THE VIRUS (SPEC)

Written by

Nic Nielsen

Based on the series by

Greg Daniels, Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant

nicnielsenmanagement@gmail.com
 COLD OPEN

INT. OFFICE - DAY 1

MICHAEL bolts out of his office and rushes to the camera.

MICHAEL
Come on! Come on! Hurry! You’re
gonna miss it!

We follow as Michael rushes back into his office. He points

at the window to a MAN in the parking lot. The Man takes a
photo of the building, gets in his car, and drives away.
Michael check his watch.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Ah! Ten o’clock on the dot! Every
day, I swear to God, around this
time exactly, someone shows up,
walks to the door with a bag, takes
a picture of the building, and
leaves. What could he be up to...?
Drug runner? Plotting a burglary,
casing the joint, perhaps?

Michael grabs his voice recorder and turns it on.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Tuesday. Male. Brunette. Red t-
shirt. Another Honda Civic.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I ordered a late breakfast through
a food delivery service once, and
they have a policy to take a
picture of the food when it’s left
at the door. And for some reason,
Michael was just mesmerized by it.
I honestly can’t explain it. He
couldn’t stop staring out the
window. So, naturally, I began to
do it more. And it generally keeps
him distracted for at least half an
hour.
(MORE)
 2.

JIM (CONT'D)
You’d think eating out for
breakfast every day would be
costing me a fortune, but during
that time Michael’s kept
distracted, I make more than enough
in sales commission to make up for
it. I might even start having my
lunch delivered, too. Today’s
breakfast is...
(checks bag)
Egg and cheese omelet.

Jim grins.

END OF COLD OPEN

 3.

ACT ONE

INT. OFFICE - DAY 1

The reception phone RINGS. No one is at their desk.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME - D1

Michael is passing out hand sanitizer and medical masks to

his EMPLOYEES during a meeting.

MICHAEL
As you may have all heard, my date
last night with Evelyn, my
mailwoman, went incredibly well.
And if you didn’t hear, you could
probably tell by how I came in late
with my shirt untucked.

DWIGHT
Because of the sex.

MICHAEL
That -- just -- Shh. It goes
without saying.

DWIGHT
No surprise there.
(to camera)
Michael was probably out of her
league.

MICHAEL
(bragging)
No, she was out of my league. All
the girls that I get are.

OSCAR
I thought this meeting was about
the virus.

MICHAEL
Right. Which brings me to my next
point. Now my night with Evelyn has
all gone to crap because it is
being overshadowed by this deadly
“Corona” virus and Evelyn is now
“socially distancing.”
 4.

MEREDITH
I heard it’s starting to spread
really bad.

MICHAEL
That’s what she said!

PAM
I read about this in the Times,
Michael. It’s pretty serious.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, it would’ve been nice
if it had taken a little longer to
become such a big deal. Now
everyone is running for the hills,
stealing toilet paper,--

KEVIN gives a suspicious look to the camera.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
--and too scared to go ice skating,
even though I personally think it’s
a very romantic second date. I’m
just -- It would’ve saved a lot of
lives if it didn’t become a big
deal today.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
I hope Michael gets the virus. Only
a mild case, like he’s just
nauseous for a month. But if anyone
gets it... I hope it’s Michael.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D1

MICHAEL
So you may have heard, the virus
comes from the country of Wuhan in
the form of a bat.

JIM gets up and leaves the conference room.

DWIGHT
Like a patronus?

OSCAR
He means a bat carried the disease.
 5.

PHYLLIS
I heard it was made in a lab.

CREED
I’ve been to Wuhan many times. It’s
definitely the bats. Deadly, but
delicious. Tastes like cat stew.

ANGELA, who is sitting next to CREED and wearing a mask,

moves to another seat. Jim enters the room carrying a globe.

JIM
For those of us who lack your
expertise, Michael, do you mind
pointing out Wuhan for us?

Michael begins to scan the globe nervously. He has no idea.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I do know where Wuhan is. In fifth
grade, I took first place in my
elementary school’s geography bee.
Also, I googled “Wuhan” when I
heard about it on the radio this
morning.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D1

DWIGHT springs up towards the globe and points it out.

DWIGHT
No need, Michael. Wuhan is located
right here, about two hundred
kilometers south of Xinyang, China,
and holds a population of roughly
eleven million. Trust me, Michael,
China is no joke.

Jim grins giddily at the camera.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
I keep tabs on potential threats to
our nation. And with communism and
their advancements in technology,
China is the biggest threat of all.
Last week, Jim told me they’re even
developing clothes with cloaking
technology.
(MORE)
 6.

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
Like S.H.I.E.L.D.’s helicarrier,
but for your pants. He even said
he’d get me a pair.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D1

MICHAEL
(looking at globe)
China, huh? That’s mighty close to
India.
(beat)
Kelly, have you been in close
contact with your family recently?

PAM
Michael...

TOBY
Okay, that’s really offensive.

MICHAEL
I’m sorry, Toby, is she not Indian?
Unlike you, I believe we should
celebrate the race of the persons
in the office, not shame them for
it and force them cover their faces
like it’s the Middle East.

RYAN holds up his medical mask and gives the camera a

sarcastically suspicious look.

STANLEY
(doing his crossword)
That is not what a hijab is for.

MICHAEL
What? No, I’m talking about those
cloth-y turban things.

ANGELA
I think it’s a fair question.

TOBY sighs in defeat.

MICHAEL
Kelly?

Awkward silence.

KELLY
My family all lives in Scranton.
And have you seen the tabloids
there?
(MORE)
 7.

KELLY (CONT'D)
I wouldn’t go to India if they paid
me. Bollywood drama is just so lame
compared to Hollywood.

TOBY
Michael, have you spoken to the
warehouse about any of this?

Michael struggles to respond. He hasn’t.

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER - D1

Michael walks into the warehouse to find it empty. He sighs

deeply.

MICHAEL
Oh... great.

INT. DARRYL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - D1

DARRYL is working at his computer. Michael enters.

MICHAEL
Hey, Darryl. What happened? Did
your brothas run out on you?

DARRYL
What are you implying, Mike?

MICHAEL
Um, where are the rest of the
warehouse staff?

DARRYL
Roy and Madge came in sneezing, so
I gave everyone the day off. Told
‘em all to go get COVID tested.

MICHAEL
Sneezing, you say?

Darryl nods. Michael backs up from him a few steps.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Very good. Say, did any of the
workers happen to come upstairs
today?

DARRYL
You mean to your workplace? No.
 8.

Michael nods. He sets some bottles of hand sanitizer at his

feet and begins to make his way out.

MICHAEL
All right. Why don’t you go ahead
and sanitize the place from head to
bottom and then get yourself
tested, too.

DARRYL
(re: hand sanitizer)
With this?

MICHAEL
(walking out the door)
I believe in you! Your people have
overcome far worse than this virus!

Darryl glares.

END OF ACT ONE

 9.

ACT TWO

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - LATER - D1

Michael sits at his desk as his phone RINGS on speaker.

PACKER (V.O.)
(speakerphone)
Hello? Mike?

MICHAEL
Pack-Man! Looking forward to seeing
your ugly mug in the office this
afternoon.

PACKER (V.O.)
(speakerphone)
Yeah, that’s not happening.

MICHAEL
What? Why not? Entertaining a lady
of the night at this early hour?

PACKER (V.O.)
(speakerphone)
Yeah, a lady of the night named
Mrs. Scott!

MICHAEL
Okay, that’s... not cool, man.

PACKER (V.O.)
(speakerphone)
No way I’m coming into the office
any time soon. I heard this Kung Fu
Flu thing is the new AIDS. I’m
staying home as long as possible.

MICHAEL
Hold on. Wait. You can get this
from having sex?

PACKER (V.O.)
(speakerphone)
That’s what I heard on a podcast.
Not that you need to worry about
that, Mr. Leader of the Pride
Parade! You should be more worried
about actual AIDS.

TODD PACKER cracks up as fear falls over Michael’s face.

 10.

INT. BREAK ROOM - SAME TIME - D1

Jim is at the soda vending machine. PAM goes to use the food
vending machine next to him. She’s clearly frustrated.

JIM
Everything okay, Pam? You’re not
gonna get any free stuff by pushing
the buttons harder. Trust me, you
gotta shake it from the top while
that thing’s spinning. Works about
one out of three times for me.

PAM
I’m fine.

JIM
You sure?

PAM
It’s just... Roy thinks he might
have the virus, so he has to
isolate at home for two weeks, and
my contacts and charger and all my
stuff is there, and my mom lives
like two hours away, and I just...
It’s nothing, really.

JIM
Oh, man. Well, if you need
somewhere to stay, one of my
roommates just moved out, so my
condo has an open room. I’m sure my
roommate won’t mind if you, you
know...

Pam looks almost afraid of Jim’s offer and what would follow.

PAM
I just, Roy, with... you know... I
think Roy may need me to be a
little closer to home. Someone’s
gotta take care of him, you know?

For a moment, Jim looks a little sad.

JIM
Right. Yeah, no, that makes sense.
I wouldn’t want to, you know, make
anything weird or--

PAM
But thank you.
 11.

There’s an awkward moment of silence.

JIM
All right. Well, I should get back.

PAM
Oh, okay. Talk to you later, Jim.

JIM
Yeah.

Jim walks out. Pam sadly watches him leave, full of doubt.

INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - D1

Jim takes a seat at his desk. He COUGHS and takes a sip of

his soda.

JIM
(to Dwight)
Don’t worry, it’s just spring
allergies. You think they’ll find a
vaccine soon?

DWIGHT
Please. Schrutes have been thriving
without vaccines for centuries.

JIM
Really? You’ve never gotten a
vaccine?

DWIGHT
If we Schrutes can survive a black
bear attack in the Appalachian
Mountains with only an empty bean
can, I think we can survive the
sniffles.

JIM
You’ve survived a bear attack?

DWIGHT
My great-uncle Amos did, and he
lived to be ninety-seven.

JIM
Wow. How’d he die?

DWIGHT
(beat)
Polio.
 12.

Jim glances at the camera.

JIM
Seems to me like you’re scared of
needles.

DWIGHT
False. I have been punctured far
worse by my cousin Mose on numerous
occasions during the fencing
section of our yearly combat
training. What we should be afraid
of is the growing empire of China.

Jim’s face lights up. He has an idea. He leans in.

JIM
(secretively)
You are so right.

DWIGHT
Oh, what do you know-- Wait. You
agree with me?

JIM
Absolutely, I do. You’ve seen the
technology they’ve been developing.
Those cloaking clothes? It’s just
gone too far. You’ve heard of
microchipping, haven’t you?

Jim reaches into his desk drawer to grab something.

DWIGHT
Of course. Ange-- Um, I think I’ve
heard in passing that Angela does
that with her cats.

JIM
Okay, well the word on the deep web
is that it’s spreading far worse
than we know. And apparently the
Chinese government has found a away
to microchip people through the
virus.

Dwight’s eyes widen. He’s now alarmed.

JIM (CONT'D)
(feigning confusion)
My only question is why track our
location?

Jim intentionally COUGHS into his elbow.

 13.

JIM (CONT'D)
Do you have a tissue?

While Dwight reaches into his desk drawer, away from Jim, he
slips something into Dwight’s pocket. Dwight hands him the
tissue.

DWIGHT
Trust me, you do not want to know
why. Did it say how to tell if the
microchip is activated?

Jim resists a grin.

JIM
All it said was that you may suffer
sudden onset tinnitus. You know,
ringing in your ears. Sounds too
crazy to be true, right? I just
don’t know...

Jim gets up, pats Dwight on the shoulder, and walks away. In
the silence, we can hear a CONSTANT RINGING TONE. Dwight
notices it.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I bought a tuner as a birthday
present for my nephew who plays the
trumpet. It plays a constant C note
when turned on, and you’re supposed
to match it with the instrument.
But, whatever, I’ll just get him a
video game instead.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - D1

Dwight bursts into Michael’s office in a panic. Michael is

turned away.

MICHAEL
(to phone)
I don’t know, Evelyn. Everything
looks normal. Just stay away from
bats and the elderly. I have to go.

Michael zips up his pants and then hangs up his phone with
one hand and sets down a mirror with his other. He’s clearly
been examining himself.
 14.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Knock much?

DWIGHT
Michael, you need to be taking this
virus much more seriously, okay?
This isn’t just some flu. I have it
on good authority that this virus
may be the end of us all.

MICHAEL
How so?

INT. OFFICE - SAME TIME - D1

Jim approaches Pam’s desk. She’s just ended a call.

JIM
Hey, can you help me with
something?

Pam groans and puts her head on her desk. She’s exhausted.

JIM (CONT'D)
If Dwight asks if you hear any
ringing, just say no, okay?

Pam looks up and smiles.

PAM
(whispers)
Thank you.

JIM
And if you really want to do me a
favor, tell him you heard rumblings
online that COVID can mutate his
DNA.

PAM
(big smile)
I think he’d actually get excited
at the possibility of becoming an X-
Men. How about the virus can spread
to technology? Michael has me keep
a log of everyone’s computer
passwords. Is it illegal to empty
someone else’s gas tank?

Jim is speechless. He smiles ear-to-ear and high-fives Pam.

Michael and Dwight emerge from Michael’s office.
 15.

MICHAEL
Attention, everyone. Due to some
recent developments, I have learned
that the previous knowledge of
which we have attained at this...
conjecture--

OSCAR
What are you trying to say,
Michael?

MICHAEL
We need to take more precautions
because of this awful, awful virus.

ANGELA
How?

MEREDITH
Remember, people, alcohol kills
germs.

MICHAEL
No more bathrooms - we can’t risk
unsanitary places. Everyone needs
to wear gloves, masks, and a face
shield. And absolutely no
international calls, Puerto Rico
and South Korea included.

CREED
What about North?

STANLEY
(sarcastically)
Oh, is that all?

MICHAEL
Well...

INT. OFFICE - LATER - D1

At accounting, Kevin, OSCAR, and Angela are all wearing

masks, gloves, and face shields. Oscar goes to pop an M&M in
his mouth, but hits the face shield. Frustrated, he goes
under the shield but hits his mask. He gives up and sets it
back on his desk.

ANGELA
This is how they pay us back for
making Bruce Lee famous.
 16.

OSCAR
The Chinese government didn’t
create this, Angela. Anyway-- Wait.
What is that?

We hear the sound of a liquid filling a container.

ANGELA
Is that... that smell...

OSCAR
Please tell me that isn’t what I
think it is, Kev.

The sound stops.

KEVIN
I don’t know what you mean.

Kevin appears to be struggling. His face turns red. He can’t

hold it any longer. The sound continues.

ANGELA
Oh. My. God.

KEVIN
It’s not my fault! Michael said the
bathrooms are too unsanitary for
these unpresidented times!

OSCAR
(plugging nose)
It’s precedented with a C!

ANGELA
And how is this any better?!

OSCAR
What are you even using?!

KEVIN
One of those mason jars I found in
the cupboard.

ANGELA
Well, mission very much not
accomplished, Michael, because now
I think I’m going to be sick.

Angela storms off.

 17.

INT. ANNEX - SAME TIME - D1

Kelly is online shopping at her desk. Ryan sits next to her,

drinking coffee from a mason jar, miserable.

KELLY
Ooh, what about this top? For
summer?

RYAN
I really don’t think it’s fair of
Michael to arrange the workplace
based on who you’re sleeping with.

INT. OFFICE - SAME TIME - D1

Dwight is checking the bottom of supplies on Jim and his

desks. He tosses a stapler in a garbage can.

DWIGHT
Damn it. Everything is made in
China.

JIM
That... was my stapler.

Creed passes by and snags the stapler out of the trash.

Behind them, a mob formed of Ryan, Angela, and Toby
approaches Michael’s office.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

Michael is sitting at his desk, listening for something.

MICHAEL
Huh. I can’t hear it anymore.

We hear a KNOCK on his door. Michael, who has made no

precautionary changes to his own office, doesn’t respond.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Of course I think this is fair. If
anything, I have it much worse off
in here. Did you know that
isolation can cause poor sleep
quality and depression? All they
have to do is wear some gloves and
learn to hold it. End of the day,
there really is no better way of
handling this...
(MORE)
 18.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
without being the only branch
manager to send their whole branch
home and upsetting corporate. Which
is unrelated.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

Another KNOCK.

MICHAEL
Come in.

Ryan, Angela, and Toby enter.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Do you guys hear a ringing?

ANGELA
This is ridiculous. Kevin is peeing
at his desk!

RYAN
And if I have to sit next to Kelly
for another minute, I... I’m sorry,
I’ll have to quit. I can’t work
like this.

TOBY
Michael--

MICHAEL
Oh, god, as if my day couldn’t get
any worse. If I have to listen to
another Toby speech, I’m going to
quit too. And then kill myself.
Your words make me feel nauseous
and like I want to stop breathing.
You are the human embodiment of the
COVID, Toby.

TOBY
Michael. I agree we should take
precautions right now, but I think
some of your employees are
rightfully upset about the work
environment you’ve created.

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
Oh, are they?

The trio nods. Michael sighs, exasperated.

 19.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

Michael walks out of his office.

MICHAEL
Okay, it had been made aware to me
that some of you -- all of you --
are unsatisfied with the work
conditions at Dunder Mifflin. And I
apologize. So--

STANLEY
You’re sending us home?

MICHAEL
No, better. I will be ordering
lunch for you all today. Anywhere
you’d like, you name it! Fair deal?

No response. Every employee is disgruntled.

INT. BREAK ROOM - LATER - D1

The EMPLOYEES are eating plates of Asian food. Michael stares

hesitantly at the box labeled “MR. CHEN’S ASIAN BISTRO.”
Kelly grabs a spring roll from the box.

KELLY
Mmm! Have you guys tried their
spring rolls? Oh my god.

Ryan grabs it from Kelly.

RYAN
Slow down. I thought you said you
were trying to fit into that dress
I bought you.

PAM
They’re really good, Ryan.
(to Kelly)
Here, you can have mine.

Pam slides her spring roll to Kelly as Ryan eats Kelly’s. She
smiles at Pam.

MICHAEL
“Asian Bistro...” Is this Chinese?
Or Japanese? Or... Lebanese?

PAM
I think it’s Chinese.
 20.

KEVIN
Definitely Chinese.

PHYLLIS
Is there a problem, Michael?

MICHAEL
(beat)
No, no. I... love food from all
cultures.

Michael puts a piece of chicken in his mouth and begrudgingly

chews. He stares again at the box. Scans the room for a
nearby garbage can. There is none. He gets up to leave.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
(mouth full)
Excuse me.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - D1

SPY SHOT: Michael spits the chicken out, most of it landing

in his garbage can, some on the floor. He grabs a mini hand
sanitizer bottle. Squirts it into his mouth. Swishes it
around like mouthwash. Tries to gargle, but begins to choke.

END OF ACT TWO

 21.

ACT THREE

INT. OFFICE - LATER - D1

Pam approaches Jim’s desk and leans on it.

PAM
Hey. How’s it going?

JIM
Well, I haven’t used the bathroom
all day, and I somehow lost the
gloves I’m required to wear when
using my own computer, so I’m using
that as an excuse to do, well,
nothing. How are you?

PAM
I’m taking off a little early.
Roy’s feeling even worse, so I
think I should be there to, you
know, pick up his prescriptions and
feed him and all that.

JIM
You’re really going to stay there?
You’re not worried about catching
it yourself?

PAM
Well... I mean, someone’s gotta do
it, I guess.

JIM
All right, Beesly. Good luck. Wear
a mask. Take my gloves, if you can
find them.

Pam smiles.

PAM
See you tomorrow?

JIM
Yup. See you tomorrow.

Pam walks away. Jim’s smile fades into a gloomy frown. He

notices a sticky note on his desk where Pam’s hand was.

He picks it up. It reads: “DWIGHT’S COMPUTER PASSWORD:

SAURON54. ENJOY!”
 22.

Jim checks over his shoulder and logs into Dwights computer.
The wallpaper has been replaced with a Chinese flag. A webcam
feed pops up, showing Jim. He smiles and shakes his head.

JIM (CONT'D)
Good lord, Beesly. Well done.

Jim notices Dwight approaching. Jim logs off and rushes to

his own desk. Dwight takes a seat.

JIM (CONT'D)
Can you believe this?

DWIGHT
I know! I talked to Michael, and
thanks to me, not a single commie
bastard in China will know our
location.
(beat)
Unless we happen to be selling them
paper.

JIM
What? You’re the reason no one can
use the bathroom?

DWIGHT
Hey, I should say “thanks to you.”
But don’t worry, you’ve done your
nation a great service. We’ve had
our differences, but I will never
forget it.

Jim closes his eyes, realizing this is all his fault. He gets
up and walks away. Dwight logs onto his computer. He freezes
in terror.

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
Oh, god. It’s already begun.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

We hear a KNOCK on the door. Michael is focused on the

YOUTUBE VIDEO PLAYING on his monitor.

MICHAEL
Come in.
 23.

CRAIG (V.O.)
(from computer)
And what was believed for dozens of
years to be a small textile factory
in Wuhan has turned out to be the
site of laboratory experiments and
genetic testing--

Michael pauses the video. He looks exhausted and distraught.

JIM
Got a sec?

MICHAEL
Yeah, just learning about how we’re
all kinda [BLEEP]ed.

JIM
(peeks at the monitor)
Right, and who are you learning
that from, exactly?

MICHAEL
I think he said his name was Craig.
Or Greg... Egg? Something with a G.

JIM
Michael, you can’t just believe
everything someone tells you. You
know that, right?

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, Dwight said he had it
on good authority, whatever that
means, that this is a plot by
China, so...

JIM
Yeah, but Dwight’s--

MICHAEL
I know, Dwight’s an idiot. But
there was the ringing and the man
in the video...

JIM
All right. Don’t get me wrong, the
virus is a big deal. And believe
what you want, but I’m just saying,
if you really want to know if
something’s true, check your
sources. People make stuff up all
the time.
(MORE)
 24.

JIM (CONT'D)
There’s a reason we have experts to
tell us what’s real and what’s not -
not Dwight or some guy in a video.
And, hey, if the world’s not
ending, maybe you get to go on that
ice skating date somewhere down the
line.

Jim leaves. Michael looks at his monitor a little differently

now, as if he’s questioning it.

INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER - D1

Michael emerges from his office. He’s now more at peace.

MICHAEL
Everyone, if I could have your
attention. I now realize I have
also become a victim to this virus
as well.

KELLY
What?!

MICHAEL
A victim of misinformation. And
falsehoods. And I think that may
even be worse than some coughing
and sneezing. My point is that we
have all been overreacting about
this virus! China is not taking
over. The world is not ending. Wear
a mask, wash your hands, keep your
distance, yes. But there’s no need
to panic yet! Remain calm, and
don’t jump to conclusions. Each one
of us shows these “symptoms” every
day. Ryan gets runny noses
constantly, almost daily. Meredith,
you’ve vomited in every room in
this office and in one of my desk
drawers, which was disgusting.
(puts arm around Kevin)
Kevin, you are constantly out of
breath. The point is, guys, we all--

KEVIN
Michael, I don’t... I... I...

MICHAEL
Spit it out, buddy. You’re not on a
StairMaster.
 25.

KEVIN
I... I-- AHCOO!

Kevin SNEEZES right in Michael’s face. Michael stares blankly

for a moment. He has finally snapped.

MICHAEL
EVERYBODY OUT!

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVIN
I have seasonal allergies. But
Stanley paid me forty bucks to
sneeze in Michael’s face so we can
work from home.
(grins)
I would’ve done it for free.

END OF ACT THREE

 26.

END TAG

INT. OFFICE - DAY 2

The employees are busy at work. Dwight casually walks in and

to his desk wearing a FUTURISTIC BELT and NO PANTS. He
glances to see if his coworkers notice. They haven’t.

Dwight, still standing, picks up his desk phone. Jim gives

the camera a mischievous grin and hurries out of the office.
Ryan notices Dwight. His jaw drops. More begin to notice.

STANLEY
Oh, good Lord.

PAM
Um, Dwight?

Michael notices through his office blinds. He comes out.

MICHAEL
What the hell, Dwight?!

DWIGHT
(coyly)
Whatever do you mean?

MICHAEL
Where are your pants?!

DWIGHT
You mean, “Where are my legs?”

MICHAEL
No, Dwight, I can see your hairy,
beefy legs, and they make me wanna
throw up. Where are your pants?!

KELLY
Ew, do you even wash your
underwear, farmer-boy?

Dwight looks down where his Chinese cloaking pants are

supposed to be. He slowly begins to realize he’s been duped.

DWIGHT
But -- but -- Ji-- I... DAMN IT,
JIM!

END OF SHOW