Keeping Distance:
poetry derived from the mild psychosis of a pandemic
Contents

Keeping Distance 2

The Dark Days 5

The Body Counts Keep Rising 7

My Dogs Don't Know There's a Pandemic 13

Isolation 15

I Go On Long Walks with My Wife 17

They Carry Their Heavy Hearts 21

This is the Year 26

Slowly, Slowly
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Keeping Distance
March 20, 2020

I passed on old man in the neighborhood

While riding my bike
He was walking with the assistance
Of a wooden walking stick
His face lit up when he saw me ride by
The face of a friend at the airport
Pleased to see you at the end of your journey
He raised his stick jubilantly in the air to greet me
I swear his knees buckled a little
But he didn’t seem to mind
It was as if he was saying “Yes!
We did it! We made it through this week!”
Or maybe I’m just projecting
Because that’s what I needed
I smiled and waved back
Of course, keeping my distance

2
The birds were chirping merrily
The sky was out in full blue
It was one of those pleasant spring days
You dream about in the dead of winter
It seemed that none of nature got the memo
That our world was in turmoil
That my anxiety was on a week’s
Worth of amusement park rides
And my world had been relegated
To four comforting yet confining walls And though the
beauty around me
Softened the harsh reality
It seemed that even the birds and the sky
Were keeping their distance

“Distance, we should have crossed it”

A line from a poem I wrote some fifteen years ago
A longing and a search to belong
I’ve covered so much ground since then
I’ve found belonging though
The longing still comes in waves

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Yet here I am again pondering distance
Even though it’s only the physical aspect
I fear that I’ll get used to it
This bubble we’ve been made to create
To protect ourselves and others
But still I have hope and hope is a good thing
Maybe the best of things
And no good thing ever dies
A hope that of all the things we may keep
From this time apart
(And hopefully there will be a few good things)
The one thing we will not endeavor
To keep is our distance

4
The Dark Days
April 12, 2020

The dark days,

Man, the dark days
Sure are dark these days
Before there used to be at least a pinprick
Of light, something that helped define the
Darkness, some hint of a place where the
Darkness ended and the light began
But now it seems to pile on in layers
Like a steady buildup of sediment
Fossilizing hope faster than it can swim free

The second stanza is usually where I’d dig for

Hope, try to unearth it, and let it breathe
But I’m just not feeling it today
My wife said that her therapist said
That it was ok to feel these things, like
Really feel it, to live in the emotions for a bit
It’s natural, as natural as hurricanes

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(That last part was me, not a therapist)
I’m trying to do that and be ok with it
To get into the deep, beautiful melancholy
Of everything that has happened

They aren’t all dark days, so, I guess

That is a little bit of light (maybe hope
Comes In the third stanza this time)
There are days with laughter and relief
Days with comfort and solidarity
Days when you know, like really know
That this will end and everything will be ok
Yeah, those days happen; it’s nice when they do

But, the dark days,

Man, the dark days
Sure are dark these days

6
The Body Count Keeps Rising
April 20, 2020

It’s been a month at least

Maybe a year
Maybe a lifetime
At least that’s how it feels
I wish I could stop checking the news
Stop seeing that things are getting worse
Unemployment skyrocketing
Hope spiraling
And the body count keeps rising

Protests have started

By the people who don’t
Believe the corrupt media
Or the biased science
But solely trust in the pathological liar
Whose point of view depends on
How it affects his ratings
And how the angry mob

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He calls a constituency will react
I wish they weren’t so stupid
To get played over and over again
I wish they didn’t look so much like me
Large, bearded, male, and white
I wish I wasn’t related to some of them
But the body count keeps rising

I haven’t hugged my friends in weeks

And I know that’s not a big deal
In the scheme of things
But I miss it
I haven’t walked into a coffee shop
And casually ordered a latte and scone
Haven’t gone to the grocery store
Without real fear and anxiety.
We’ve done the right thing
And stayed home
Tried to protect ourselves, our friends,
Our neighbors, and strangers,
Still the body count keeps rising

8
My wife’s small business lost
Another client today
Another client that would be
A couple more paychecks
We still haven’t heard if we’re
Gonna get help
While big corporations continue
To get bailouts that will no doubt
Pad the CEO‘s trust funds and stock portfolios
We’ll be ok though
We’ll tighten our belts and dig into our savings
We don’t have it near as bad as some do
While the body count keeps rising

Working from home is nice for me though

I’ve gained the distancing I’ve desired
From the toxic masculinity and
Unrelenting corporate bullshit
That capitalism demands
I go on long walks more often

9
The weather has been fantastic
And the sky has been so blue
My wife’s presence a constant comfort
Neighbors wave and smile
More frequently than they ever have before
It’s like we all feel more connected, you know
Like this shared trauma has made
Our worlds a little smaller
Still the body count keeps rising

I. Have. Had. Enough.

Will this ever fucking end?
I want to pull out my hair
What little I have left
Or run and scream
Like a child throwing a tantrum
I feel so cooped up
In this house, in this town,
In this fucking body
That’s bored and craves unhealthy foods
No energy to work out or

10
Do anything productive
I’d lay on the couch and
Watch mindless TV but
That’s gotten so old
I’m not one to wish away time
But I wish this was over
I wish the world wasn’t unraveling,
My bank account wasn’t dropping,
And I wish, good god, I wish
That the body count would stop rising

On the good days I know

This is not forever
I know we’ll get past it
My friends remind me that it’s ok
To feel all of these things and
They feel them too
We keep each other going
Through zoom calls and text threads
Social media, quizzes, and memes
Through art and music and good news

11
We’re gonna make it through this year
If it kills us
And we’ll learn from this
We’ll remember where we were
What we did
And how we held each other together
While the body count kept rising

12
My Dogs Don't Know There's a Pandemic
July 13, 2020

My dogs don't know there's a pandemic

Consequently they are fine, happy even,
With the way this year has progressed
If they notice anything at all,
It’s that their humans have more time
For pets and walks and long
Afternoons on the couch

In fact it seems the humans are even more

Prone to reach out than before
With that strange, downturned face
They sometimes wear
That seems to perk up just a bit
When the dogs roll over on their back
To give easier access to the soft
Part of their stomach

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Or when they reach their paws
Out, stretching as wide and far
Apart as possible as if to
Touch some invisible talisman
Just out of their reach
That has the power to keep
This moment from ever ending

And when it inevitably does,

The humans still seem to derive
Some much needed joy from
The tiniest, discontented whine

I often think of how we don’t deserve them

These cuddly, fluffy descendants of wolves
Who we’ve somehow convinced
To let us become a part of their pack

14
Isolation
June 22, 2020

He said “if I got the virus

At least I’d wind up in the hospital
Where someone would have to care for me.”
That’s not to say he didn’t try
He did what he was supposed to do
He masked his breath, his life,
After all, isolation was a familiar face
That he took in every morning
When he brushed his teeth
It was just now he did it for others
More than for himself

The motivation was just not as high for him

Personally. After years of trying to flatten
The graph of loneliness over time
He now found it spiking to an all-time high
And on the dark days he could only wonder
If the sound of his labored breath beneath

15
A ventilator machine with a noisy hospital
Background was worse than the empty echo
Of his breath in the silent living room
If what the virus would wreak on his body
Was worse than the constant blow
Of isolation to his soul


16
I Go On Long Walks with My Wife
May 1, 2020

I go on long walks with my wife

We tell each other about our days
Even though we spend most of our time together
We talk about what’s going well
What we’re struggling with
We encourage each other where we can
Challenge each other where we need it

I go on long walks with my wife

We talk about TV shows we’re watching
And books we’re reading
How we wish the plots of the shows
Were just a little better
And how we would improve them
I ask her if her book is about
Aliens, zombies, or an alternate universe
She asks me if everyone dies in mine
She laughs and says “Alternate universe”

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I laugh and say “Not everyone...”

I go on long walks with my wife

I tell her about my writing projects
She helps me develop storylines
She tells me about her clients
And her struggles with her business
I usually don’t really help her at all
But I try to listen and
Let her talk it out

I go on long walks with my wife

She pauses to pick up
The worms from the sidewalk
Because she’s concerned they
Won’t make it back to the grass
And they’ll shrivel up and die
She says other people do this too
But I didn’t even see the worm
I’m reminded that this is one of her
Beautiful talents—to see a need

18
No matter how small and fix it

I go on long walks with my wife

We talk about how lucky we are
To have friends and good people
In our lives
We talk about what we’re gonna do
When we can finally see them again
How we can’t wait for that

I go on long walks with my wife

And we mostly try not to talk
About how shitty everything feels
In the world right now
All the darkness looming over our heads
But still we have to sometimes lament
To each other and talk about how
Exhausted we feel, burdened
By the constant state of dread
That happens any time we look
At the news or think about

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Plans for the immediate future
Or try to run necessary errands
In as few trips as possible

I go on long walks with my wife

It helps, it really does,
It’s the highlight of my day
And can turn a crappy day into
A good one
Some days it’s the only thing
That gets me through

20
They Carry Their Heavy Hearts
August 26, 2020

They carry their heavy hearts

To the front line
And they SCREAM into the night
Into the void that longs
To swallow them whole
“Black lives matter.”
“No justice, no peace.”
“None of us are free
Until all of us are free.”

As if life in and of itself is not

A heavy enough burden to bear
They also must carry on their backs
The weight of justice, of equality,
A right that comes so easy,
So unquestioning, and inherent
To those of us with paler skin
As if the addition of melanin

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Could somehow make someone
Less human

In a year accentuated with grief

Punctuated with pain
They must continue to bear
The additional weight
Of defending their very existence
They must be seen to be heard
They must be heard to
Avoid being eradicated

They carry their heavy hearts

To the front line
And they shield against tyranny
Against a society hellbent
On breaking them
They stand
Even when knocked down,
Dragged, beaten, gassed,
They stand

22
They stand with a courage and tenacity
That I don’t even have the words,
The understanding, or the ability
To express
It is not something I can fathom
It is not my music to sing
But you can hear it
If you only stop to listen

And we—and I—
Who’ve been given so much
Born with a pension for privilege
Can no longer sit idly by
We must SCREAM into the night
Into the void as well
“Black Lives Matter.”
“No justice, no peace.”
“None of us are free
Until all of us are free.”

23
Not just free to be a punching bag,
Target practice for a system
Built on their oppressed backs
A system that insists,
That exists to keep them down
A system that’s proven that
It can’t be reformed
It must be abolished

They carry their heavy hearts

To the front line
And we must listen
We must act
We must give
Of our money and ourselves
That their struggle, their fight,
Their sacrifice
Can create lasting change

Black Lives Matter.

No justice, no peace.

24
None of us are free
Until all of us are free.


25
This is the Year
July 26, 2020

This is for everyone who said

“This is the year”
This is the year you finally finish
Or maybe start
That book that’s been bouncing
Around your head for years
That creative project
That education course

Those who said

This is the year
I get that job or promotion
I put myself out there
I stay sober
I finally get help

This is the year

My business really starts to grow

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The year I finish that race
(Literally or metaphorically)
The year I really grow
And change
The year I get better

The year I take that trip

I mark off that bucket list item
The year I embrace
The version of myself that I’ve hidden
Or tolerated or berated
The year I become authentically me

To anyone who said any of those things

Only to have them squashed
By fear, anxiety, or despair,
Disillusionment, or actual plague
I want to say there will be another year
Dreams that have been postponed
Don’t need to be abandoned

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I want to say that
But I know it’s hard to hear
In a year that’s been so noisy
For so many reasons

But it’s true, you know,

There will be another year
That future that you’ve envisioned
Still exists
Take a breath and wait for it

28
Slowly, Slowly
September 19, 2020

The sun came up today

Slowly, slowly,
A gentle reminder to
Give yourself permission
To take your time as well

Though it’s a triumph

That this old world keeps spinning
Let’s not forget it’s a constant struggle
Between gravity
And the vastness of nothing

That’s not to say it’s bleak

But just that your struggle
Is universal

Even the sun has days

When it has to burn extra hard

29
Beam extra long
To break through the clouds

Some days it still can’t be seen

The way you have trouble
Seeing your hazy reflection
In the mirror after a long,
Much needed shower

Rivulets of condensation
Mimicking emotions breaking out
And running down your cheek

Emotions that don’t always

Have a name
Or point of origin
But have developed over time

The way we were taught the water cycle

In second or third grade
Would form the clouds

30
But, yes, the sun came up today
Slowly, slowly,
And, yes, that’s reason for hope

But also a reminder

That hope takes time
Takes work
And has to overcome
So many things

And hope like the sun

When faced with the darkness
Is sometimes the only thing
We have left to long for

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