nM

at the University of Minnese

oiginally produced ta's
LIZARDS...
was

11, 2007. The production was Directed by CHARACTERS

Theatre o n April
Guthrie
cast:
Hecht with the tollowing
Jash
PHOEBE- 23, marricd, Valium addict, lost
..Ricardo Vázque 23, Phoebe's husband, passive aggressive, fixer
VICTOR.
JESSE a
' ' ' ' °

John Kelley MALLORY- 26, shy, nervous, naking a big change

JESSE .. Valeri Mudek
PHOEBE .
SEBASTIAN -

25, laid back, pothead, thinks he's a luser

. Amanda Fuller RONNIE- 25, Punk, sassy, former Jersey girl, in love with Selasaiarn
RONNIE VICTOR - 28, nervous, sweet, making a big change
****
. J a k e Ford
SEBASTIAN....

.. .Caroline Cooney
MALLORY.. SETTING

Set DesigneT. ..Joseph Stanley Various locations in New York City and the Bronx
* ' ' ' * ' *
. Juli Acton
Costume Des1gner. ..
*'''''

Lighting Desiguer.. .. .Ray Steveson

Mike Hallenbeck
Sound Designer
Dramaturg. ....Carla Steen
VoiceandSpeech Consultants... . .

Elisa Carlson, Lucinda Holshue

. Randy Reyes
Movement Consultant. .. .
... Adam Ehret
Stage ManagT.
Assistant Stage Managers. Sharon Bach, Sara Swanberg
 SCENE 11

various places around New York

(The play takes place in The
during the end of September over the course of one day.
set should just suggest where they are. Likea bench or two

chairs or whatever.
The Bronx. In black, rowdy classroom sounds. Spotlight up on
VICTOR, 20s he wears a short sleeved button down, pants
and loosened tie. He is sweating profusely and looks har
ried. A blackboard is behind him. He writes down various
words during the lesson.)

VICTOR. Okay...okay settle down.. I said settle down.. yes

Shanikwa I know it is hot I opened the windows that's the best
I can do...now everyone take out your notebooks and a pencil..
Daytwon put away your markers and take out a pencil... apencil
Daytwon not a pen.. thank you... now today we are going to
continue our lesson on lizards... Yesterday we learned that liz-
ards are what? Anyone? Anyone?

(Lights up downstage on PHOEBE in an apartment in

Brooklyn. She sits at a table staring at two pills in front of
her)
VICTOR. Well at least now you're quiet... Lizards are
rep-
tiles... There are many different
species of lizards... I don't see
anyone writing... you should be writing down the word
I have a feeling it
species..
may be on your spelling test on Monday.. spe-
Cies means type... one
type of lizard is the- Faruk! FARUK! Ash-
lan wake Faruk thank
up... you... Good morning Faruk thank you
for joining our class we are
taking notes on lizards... one species
of lizard is the
glass lizard... glass lizards have legs they can't
use and
actually look more like snakes than our class gecko.. but
like their other lizard friends their tails do
break off as a defense
mechanism..
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY

behind PHOEBE. He stops and stares her

at her
up across the stage on RONNIE and SEBASTIAN
JESSE enters in
notice him.) Lights
from behind. She doesn I another apartment in Brooklyn. They are sitting on heanbag
chairs playing Play Station.)
lizards change color in response to
VICTOR. Now many
their environments-
No Alizé you may not go to the bathroom
PHOEBE. I'm an adult I can do whatever I want.
As I was saying many lizards
change
you went ten minutes ago- JESSE. Okaaay...But I don't think when the doctor pre-
color as a response to their environment or in response to stress.. them.
scribed those to you he intended you to snort
color is the? Anyone?
the most common lizard that changes PHOEBE. Were you in the doctor's office when he pre-
scribed them?
(PHOEBE crushes the pills with the spoon. JESSE doesn?
JESSE. No.
move.) PHOEBE. I didn't think so.

VICTOR. Yes that's right Fredrick..the chameleon... why

aren't you writing Maya? Borrow paper from your neighbor and
(Beat.)
tell your grandmother you need a notebook for science- now as JESSE. Have you heard back about any of those museum
we learned yesterday lizards eat rodents or insects and therefore
jobs?
are harmless to humans... PHOEBE. No I've been too- Jesus- Have you worked on

your big novel?

(PHOEBEsnorts the powder offthe table.) JESSE. No I've been workin at a shit job to support us.
PHOEBE. Don't do that.
VICTOR. Yes Stasia the Komodo dragon may attack people JESSE. What?
but there are none of them in the Bronx so you have
nothing to PHOEBE. Blame me.
worry about..now where was 1? I don't remember and we only JESSE. I'm not-
have five minutes left so I'll leave you with this lizards regener PHOEBE. I'm trying. It's juss with everything that's- juss
if their leg or their tail is cut off that means it can
ate...meaning
grow back- Daytwon that information does not give you license
gimme a fucking break okay.
JESSE. Phebes why won't you talk to me about this?
to karate chop Bernards
leg- okay everyone just settle down... PHOEBE. Cuz I've got nothing to say.
Uggh..just..just draw in your notebooks until the music teacher JESSE. I find that hard to believe.
arrives or
something...Fredrick bring me Jimmy...no Jimmy the PHOEBE. Well its true.
gecko...it 's time to feed him...he's not what? He's not moving? JESSE. Phoebe it's been three months.
PHOEBE. I drowned Jesse.
(VICTOR sighs as
lighis go down on him. JESSE moves JESSE. You almost drowned. If you had drowned you'd be
towards PHOEBE.)
dead.
PHOEBE. That's insensitive.
JESSE. That's not much of a
breakfast. JESSE. Sorry, I'm sorry-I'm just trying to put things in per-
PHOEBE. Shit! You scared me.
JESSE. Sorry. spective.
PHOEBE. Well I guess our perspectives don't see eye to
PHOEBE. You shouldn't sneak
JESSE. You shouldn't be up on people like that. eye.
sneak up on. doing shit that people
need to JESSE. Well maybe they could if you just opened up to me.
PHOEBE. Like I said I've got nothing to say to you.
 BIRTHDAY

BIRTHDAY

JESSE. Ummm...
did I do something I wasn't aware of
RONNIE. Ha-ha sucker. Once again I have the high ranking
she rubs her eyes her temple score. So kiss it!
She docsni answer: Maybe or
or
SEBASTIAN. Yeah, yeah, ycah.. It was luck..
something.)
RONNIE. Fuck luck! I have beaten you twelve times in a
JESSE. Cuz as far as I know I have been trying to be sup- row...
and time when you need-
SEBASTIAN. Like I said...
portive ofall of this... giving you space
ed i... allowing you to work this out on your own because you
He punches her back.)
don't seem to want to talk to me... so ifthere's something I did or (RONNIE punches him in the shoulder
didn't do that will make this all better just tell me and I'Il do it.
RONNIE. Will the illustrious Sheryl be here when I get
back?
(Beat.) SEBASTIAN. Nope. We broke up.
RONNIE. Broke up?
JESSE. Look I ahhh I can take off work tomorrow. So I can
SEBASTIAN. Did I stutter?
go with you to swimming lessons.
PHOEBE. You don't have to.
RONNIE. No I'm justshocked. You guys... seemed so...I
mean you were really into her..
JESSE. I want to.
SEBASTIAN. Guess she wasn't as in to me...
PHOEBE. I want to go by myself.
RONNIE. Fabulous. I can actually sleep in the apartment
JESSE. Well I thought you might need some-
where I pay half the rent?
PHOEBE. You don't always have to be there for everything SEBASTIAN. Don't play like that. Once, once I asked you
okay? to sleep at Victor's. And it was on our anniversary.
JESSE. I'm sorry- Ijust...never mind.
RONNIE. Sure... whatever.. ding dong the bitch is dead
PHOEBE. You know maybe you should try doing some-
that's all I have to say...
thing for yourself by yourself sometime.
SEBASTIAN. Thanks for the love in my time of need..
JESSE. (Mumbling.) Maybe I'll pick up a heroin addiction.
PHOEBE. What?
(Lights up on MALLORY She is in a travel agency in Brooklyn.
JESSE. Nothing.
She sits in a chair fidgeting nervously, chutching her purse.)
PHOEBE. Juss go tah work Jesse. You're gonna be late.
RONNIE. She's a wannabe actress who works at Prada..yer
(Beat.) a jobless hippie who majored in Philosophy..I could gladly see
the end of that relationship a mile away.
JESSE. I'll umm be home around seven.

(MALLORY puts dowm her bag and then changes her mind and
(JESSE goes to kiss
PHOEBE but then decides against it. He puts it back in her lap.)
exits. PHOEBE doesn't watch him
leave. RONNIE and SE-
BASTIAN play intently.)
SEBASTIAN. God yer a bitch sometimes..
RONNIE. I try... you know there's a message on the ma-
SEBASTIAN. Fuck! chine from Phebes.
SEBASTIAN. Yeah I got it..
(Lights out on PHOEBE.)
RONNIE. You guys have been spending a lot of time to-
gether..
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY
12

still a little fucked up...

SEBASTIAN. She's RONNIE. Pcace out.
months.
RONNIE. It's been
needs s o m e o n e to talk to. and at his desk
SEBASTIAN. She second. JESSE enters sits

hasn't been talking to me about it (She lingers for a

RONNIE and SEBAS-
RONNIE. Well she across from MALLORY Light5
out on

to say?
SEBASTIAN. What are you trying TIAN. MALLORYpicks up her purse again.)
are close. It's Juss ya know odd er
RONNIE. Me n' Phoebe
Jesse.
whatever.. JESSE. Hello Ms. Daniels. I'm
EBASTIAN. Look I dunno why she's talking to me and
MALLORY. Hey. And it's Mallory. Ms. Daniels makes m e
not you.She just is. feel like I'm old.
c a n I book you a
RONNIE. Her own personal hero. JESSE. No problem. Mallory. So where
SEBASTIAN. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
trip today?
RONNIE. Nothing... you guys just didn't really get along all
MALLORY. I'm thinking of.. I'm thinking of taking a trip
that well before... and now.. maybe Sheryl was jealous of your to ummm Brazil..
new friend... JESSE. Brazil... okay...
SEBASTIAN. First of all Phoebe is your friend... and as I've MALLORY. You ever been there?
said before she feels like she owes me for what happened at the JESSE. I haven't traveled much.
beach.. and secondly Sheryl dumped me because she met some- MALLORY. Oh.
one else... JESSE. But I've heard Rio is a blast.
RONNIE. Well does Jesse know you guys are "hangin' out"?

(Beat.)
(Beat.)
JESSE. So how long are you looking to go for?
SEBASTIAN. I dunno. That's her business. MALLORY. A travel agent who docsn't travel... that's kind
RONNIE. I mean he's her husband. of ironic...
SEBASTIAN. Look we're just hanging out - talking or JESSE. Interim job...this is I mean... my wife and I are in a
whatever you're making it into some big fucking mystery that
it's no... so quit tryin' to invent shit that's not there drama em-
little debt... maybe we'll be able to travel at some
point..
MALLORY. Oh.
press. JESSE. Anyway how long you looking to go for?
I just pushing your buttons Mr. Sensitive... if
RONNIE. was

your gonna dish it out learn to take it... Jesus..

MALLORY. I'm not sure... maybe just a one way ticket.
JESSE. I wouldn't suggest a one way ticket... you'll get a
SEBASTIAN. Whatever... better deal if you book round trip..
MALLORY. I don't know if I want to come back...
(Beat.) JESSE. It's only a few hundred dollars to change your return
ticket. It'll cost you a lot more to book a one way return ticket
RONNIE. On that note the world of
calls me.. overpriced groceries from down there if you decide to leave.
MALLORY. Oh... okay...
JESSE. So round trip... to Rio0?
(SEBASTIAN starts a new game and MALLORY. How long have you been married?
ignores her. RONNIE stands
staring at him. MALLORY puts her JESSE. Huh?
purse back on the
ground.) MALLORY. You look to young to be married.
 BIRTHDAY
14 BIRTHDAY

JESSE. You look to young to be fleeing the country...

RONNIE. I'm gonna turn into a piece of fucking alfalfa one
MALLORY. I'm not fleeing... I'm.. vacationing I guess..
of these days.
ummm
JESSE. We've been married for a year. But we've been to-
gether sinee tenth grade.
(PHOEBE doesn1 respond.)
MALLORY. Wow...
RONNIE. Earth to Phebes...I was being humorous if you
JESSE. Yep...
MALLORY. You must be really happy together.. didn't notice....
JESSE. Yeah... yeah we are... Phoebe.. my wife... she's
PHOEBE. Sorry..
RONNIE. Okay so maybe my big news will shock you into
great... more importantly though... your trip...
being present in the world.
MALLORY. I'd like to leave as soon as possible... PHOEBE. Go for it.
JESSE. Like how soon?
RONNIE. Sheryl dumped Sebastian.
MALLORY. End of the week ifI can...
PHOEBE. Hm..
JESSE. You know there's a lot of paperwork on
your end RONNIE. Hm?! I have been waiting for them to break up
involved in something like this.
for six months now and all you can fucking say is "hm"?
MALLORY. I have a passport. I've researched the rest
of the PHOEBE. Sorry I'm a little out of it...
paperwork it should be no problem getting it done.
RONNIE. Maybe if you ate your food instead of pushing it
JESSE. And you still claim you're not
fleeing? around..
PHOEBE. I ate a big breakfast.
(Beat. Lights up on PHOEBE and RONNIE. They are on a RONNIE. A big breakfast of what?
bench in Union Square. They wear Whole Foods T-shirts.
RON PHOEBE. Do you think Andy has anything on him today?
NIE eats a sandwich. PHOEBE
pushes food around in aplastic RONNIE. Didn't you just buy a stash from him the other
container)
day?
PHOEBE. I'm out.
JESSE. Yer not the first one. Most
ada or Sweden,
people book trips to Can-
though. Sick of New York, sick of the govern- (Beat.)
ment, trying to see if there's any
place freer in the Free World.
MALLORY. I'm making a change. If I don't commit to it
now I'm afraid I'll back
RONNIE. How long have we known each other?
out.
JESSE. Flying to a
country you've never been to and don't and a half
I
PHOEBE. Ummm... dunno since I moved here. Like a year
know anyone
might be something you want to think over. RONNIE. Well then I'm gonna refrain from commenting on
the fact that you've recently become a shade of your former self.
(Beat.) PHOEBE. Wasn't that just a comment?
RONNIE. Not in my book.
MALLORY. Book me a one
possible. way ticket to Rio as soon as PHOEBE. Whatever...
JESSE. You sure? RONNIE. Don't be a fucking statistic.
PHOEBE. I thought you weren't going to comment.
MALLORY. Yeah. RONNIE. I changed my mind.
PHOEBE. I'd appreciate it if you changed it back.
(Lights out on MALLORY and
JESSE.) RONNIE. Too late. You're turning into a cliche Phoebe.
 BIRTIHDAY
BIRTHDAY

the lecture Ronnie.

PHOEBE. Spare me noth-
It's an observation. You'vee Ibe- PHOEBE. You have nothing to worry about... there's
RONNIE. It's not a lecture. talk to him about it.
come an
overeducated pill-popping housewife. ing going on... Ijust fecl- it just helps to
RONNIE. Totally understandable.
housewife. I have a job.
PHOEBE. I'm not a

RONNIE. At a glorified grocery store.

PHOEBE. Did you not notice the green Whole Foods shirt (Beat.)
on your back? Or the fact that you've been scanning soy prod.
RONNIE. So what are you guys gonna do when you hang
ucts for the last four hours.
RONNIE. Yes but I don't have a fancy pants art history de- out?
things that don't involve you.
gree. In fact I don't have a degree at all. And for the record, no- PHOEBE. Really fun secret
RONNIE. Yer so fucking funny.
body expected anything more from me than managing the Sun-
PHOEBE. I try my best.
glass Hut at the Short Hills Mall. So really my situation is a big
step up for my lack of education and trashy Jersey background.
(RONNIE rolls her eyes.)
PHOEBE. Way to be motivated Ronnie.
RONNIE. My point is you've been eating downers like
RONNIE. I'm gonna head back in.
Skittles PHOEBE PI meet you in a minute.
PHOEBE. You sound like Jesse.
RONNIE. Maybe Jesse isn't so wrong.
Beat. RONNIE gets up.)
PHOEBE. Fuck off, okay?
RONNIE. I'm juss sayin'- PHOEBE. Are you goinna to tell him you love him?
PHOEBE. I don't need you siding with him.
RONNIE. Huh?
RONNIE. Ifit walks like a duck and talks like a duck- PHOEBE. Sebastian. Now that he's free. Are you goinna to
PHOEBE. I've been having flashbacks. The pills help. Now
tell him you're in love with him?
does Andy have anything on him?
RONNIE. Last time I checked my name was not Andy.
(Beat. RONNIE shrugs.)

(Beat.) RONNIE. Andy's working in the bakery. I think he breaks

at two.
PHOEBE. I'm sorry..for... snapping..
RONNIE. No problem.
(RONNIE exits. A beat. Lights up on the other side of the park.
VICTOR sits on another bench. MALLORY enters and sits
(Beat.) on the other end ofthe bench. Lights out on PHOEBE. VIC-
TOR drinks a beer hidden in a paper bag. MALLORY begins
RONNIE. You hanging out with Sebastian later?
to take out a series of small Tupperware containers. They
PHOEBE. Maybe.
contain her lunch.)
RONNIE. Hmmm... I find it all
PHOEBE. Are you jealous? very interesting..
VICTOR. You really like Tupperware.
RONNIE. No!
PHOEBE. Cuz you sound like
RONNIE. I am not yer jealous. (MALLORY checks him out and quickly begins putting herfood
jealous... of you... yer married.. back in her bag)
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHAY

don't leave..I m not some crazy drunk MALLORY. I don't know what I am.
VICTOR. No, no

I'm a fourth grade teacher.

VICTOR. I'd say you're definitely not Puerto Rican.
teachers don't ummm...do MALLORY. Yeah well- I meant I guess l'm a mutt. One of
MALLORY. Most fourth grade
of mutts.
those Anglo Saxon European
sort
that at lunch.
l'm not
VICTOR. Well as of an hour ago
one anymore. VICTOR. It suits you well.
MALLORY. Oh I'm sorry... MALLORY. Really?
be
VICTOR. I find your features rather calming. You could
a

(MALLORY goes to leave again, chameleon in any

situation with your ambiguous European pal
ate.
VICTOR. Don't go.. You're very pretty... I just walked out MALLORY. More like a wallflower actually.
situation.
on my job... my day would be a whole lot better if I could just sit VICTOR. Same difference depending on the
on a bench and chat with a pretty girl. MALLORY. You're weird.
VICTOR. Funny... my students often said the same thing.
(MALLORY stares at him.) MALLORY. That ummm.. why you quit?
VICTOR. You ever taught a class of thirty-six fourth grad-
VICTOR. I'm twenty-eight. I was a teaching fellow. I own a ers?
cat named Snuggles. Really, I'm harmless. MALLORY. No.
VICTOR They're loud..and rowdy... and therc's too may of
a lot
(MALLORY sits back down.) them... which isn't their fault it's the school system's.. and
who don't care... or do care but don't have
of them have parents
VICTOR. Sorry, I'm a little.It's been a long day. the money to pay for school supplies or don't speak English so
MALLORY. You think I'm pretty? can't read the school supplies list... I've spent over two hundred
VICTOR. Yeah, yeah...I like your glasses. You've got that
sexy librarian thing going on.
dollars this year of my own money on
crayons and pens few
been in school for
and
paper and pencils... and we've only a

weeks... which that doesn't even compare to the hundreds ofdol-

(MALLORY angrily stands back up) iars I spent on shit like that last year..
MALLORY. Wow..
VICTOR. No, no I didn't mean it in derogatory VICTOR. Yeah.. and I bought a gecko for the class...aclass
a
way. I
meant it in the best possible non-threatening sort of fashion. Just cuz we're learning about lizards...and it died... it died
pet of sorts
sit back down. Please.
because the kids were so excited to have an animal in class..
most of them haven't ever had a pet... that they kept touching
(MALLORY tentatively sits back down.) it and touching it.. three and four and five of them at a time

VICTOR. I'm Victor Aufthausen. screaming and touching even though I told them not too...and I
know they were just excited... but we had a rule in class..two at a
MALLORY. Oh...ummm l'm
Mallory Daniels. time... be quiet or you'Il scare it to death... I think he had a heart
attack from all the attention...
(Beat.) MALLORY. So you left?
VICTOR. You know that song- Jesus I can't remember the
MALLORY. You're German? title- anyway it's the one where they say "I am the walrus"?
VICTOR. Puerto Rican. I'm
are German. Well adopted. My
adopted parents MALLORY. Sure..
German-American I guess. Whatever..
 BIRTHDAY
20 BIRTHDAY 2

VICTOR. I kept hearing "l am the gecko" in my head over

MALLORY. I booked a trip, though.
and over again in the tune of that song and I figured it wasn't a
VICTOR. People who vacation can still go on dates.
good thing. MALLORY. No l'm leaving in a weck.
MALLORY. Wow...
VICTOR. Oh... that sucks.
VICTOR. Yeah... So I walked out after science buried the
gecko in an empty lot near the school and then took the train MALLORY. Sorry.
VICTOR. Brazil is a lucky place.
down here... MALLORY. What?

(MALLORY stares at him.) VICTOR. To have you. You're nice and a good listener. This
doesn't have many good listeners. And you're pretty boot.
to
city
VICTOR. Could you please stop looking at me like I'm them.)
Beat. She closes her eyes and reopens
crazy?
MALLORY. T'm not... just...
VICTOR. I shared too much didn't1?
MALLORY. Woah..
VICTOR. What?
MALLORY. No, no. little woozy for a second.
MALLORY. I just... Igot umm a
VICTOR. It's been a long day.
VICTOR. You sure you're okay?
MALLORY. I can tell. I could
MALLORY. Yeah, you know I guess umm... guessI
VICTOR. Your day? How has your day been?
go for a drink tonight.
MALLORY. Oh... ummm... I ahhh... Ibooked a
trip. VICTOR. Really?
VICTOR. Really? Where?
MALLORY. Yeah, yeah. Why not?
MALLORY. Brazil. I'm going to Brazil.
VICTOR. Okay... um there's a bar on Perry Street called
VICTOR. So I was right.
the Other Room. It's quiet on Wednesday nights. Maybe around
MALLORY. About what?
nine tonight.
VICTOR. You're not the wallflower you claim to be. MALLORY. Sure.
(MALLORY blushes.)
(Lights out on the bench. Lights up on PHOEBE in her Whole
MALLORY. Looking for a change.. Foods uniform. She sits on a chair in a dimly lit area of what
VICTOR. Today seems to be the could be the stock room. A few boxes are stacked behind
day to do that. her. She hunms as she pulls all but 2 pills out plastic bag
MALLORY. Mhmm..yeah I guess... of a
and shoves them in her pocket. The two remaining pills she

(Pause.) crushes in the bag with herfoot and then carefully turns the
baggie inside out to snort the powder As she snorts SEBAS-
VICTOR. Would TIAN walks in.)
you like to have a drink some time'?
MALLORY. With you?
VICTOR. No with that SEBASTIAN. Hey.
guy over there in the bicycle shorts.
(MALLORY stares at him.) (PHOEBE quickly wipes her nose)

VICTOR. Sorry I was PHOEBE. Hey.

course I meant with making a joke. A bad joke at that. Of SEBASTIAN. No need to front. I've been standing in the
me.
doorway watching you.
22
BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY 2

PHOEBE. You must be taking tips from Jesse. SEBASTIAN. Fuck it. I
don't have any place else to be.
SEBASTIAN. Huh? for me.
PHOEBE. Works
PHOEBE. He snuck up on me this morning.
SEBASTIAN. Oh.
He stares at her:)
(Beat.
(Beat.) SEBASTIAN. Ummm... Sheryl dumped me.

bummed?
PHOEBE Yeah Ronnie told me. You
PHOEBE. Thanks fer meeting me. than I actually
SEBASTIAN. I guess should be more upset
I
SEBASTIAN. No problem.
am.
about Jesse this moming.
PHOEBE. I feel the same way
(Beat.) SEBASTIAN. You guys-?
when he busted me snorting... I
PHOEBE. No, no. I mean
SEBASTIAN. You okay?
thought I would be humiliated.
PHOEBE. I dunno. Ummm... you can sit down if you want. SEBASTIAN. And?
PHOEBE. I didn't feel anything.
(He sits. Beat.) SEBASTIAN. It's probably the pills.
PHOEBE. Nope don't think so.
SEBASTIAN. So..
PHOEBE. So?
SEBASTIAN. Ronnie working? I didn't
(Beat.)
see her when I
came through.
SEBASTIAN. Same way with Shery...
PHOEBE. Yeah she's in the deli.
PHOEBE. Really?
SEBASTIAN. Yup... you know I was kinda just waiting for
(Beat.) the other ball or shoe or whatever the fuck it is to drop anyway..
PHOEBE. Whattaya mean?
SEBASTIAN. So... what's up? SEBASTIAN. I dunno... Sheryl like has motivation.shee's
PHOEBE. I'm sitting in the back room of a Whole Foods
and in about five minutes I'll be stoned. gonna be something someday... all that going for your goals crap
really isn't my strong suit...
SEBASTIAN. Cool.. so then why'd you call me?
PHOEBE. Well in that respect we're not that different.
PHOEBE. Cuz you don't have a job so
you can come by and SEBASTIAN. Yeah but yer married... you've like put at
hang out in the afternoon.
least a foot into the land of the grown-ups.
SEBASTIAN. Yeah, yeah...okay "Ronnie"..
PHOEBE. PHOEBE. Sure...
Sorry.. ruth is I'm off work and I don't feel like
going home... Or being alone.
SEBASTIAN. You know, up until a few (Beat.)
thought I was an asshole. months ago you
PHOEBE. Shit changes. PHOEBE. Do you ever feel like yer a fraud?
SEBASTIAN. A loser yes... a fraud not so much. Why?
SEBASTIAN. Okay cool.. PHOEBE. Juss some shit I been thinking about.
PHOEBE. You're free to leave
at
anytime.. SEBASTIAN. Oh.
(Pause. She stares at him.)
 BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY

24

PHOEBE. I changed my mind. Tell the whole story. Tell the

(Beat.)
with all the details.
whole story
think yer a fraud. If that's like You sure? You got real upset last time I told
SEBASTIAN. I don't any SEBASTIAN.
consolation. the whole story.
know me that well.
PHOEBE. You don't PHOEBE. I'm too stoned to get real upset. Sides it makes
SEBASTIAN. True.
vOu sound like more of a hero. The long version, I mean.
loser. I mean I used
PHOEBE. Idon't think yer a to but

don't now.
(Beat)
SEBASTIAN. Thanks.
SEBASTIAN. Okay.. ummm.. It was cloudy so there was
(Beat.) barely anyone at the beach. In fact we were going to go to Atlan-
Ronnie really wanted to swim and it wasn't
tic City instead but
PHOEBE. Can I tell you something? raining so we drove to Sea Isie. We stopped at that liquor store
SEBASTIAN. Sure.
offthe Parkway with that guy who looked like he was in ZZ Top.
And when we got to the beach Victor mixed cocktails. For ev-
PHOEBE. Its like a secret so... you can't tell anyone... not
even Ronnie... drank three gin and tonics out of a blue plastic cup.
eryone. You
SEBASTIAN. Yeah.. sure.. Victor had one. Ronnie and Jesse had two. And I didn't have any
PHOEBE. Whatever my life 1s..all the sum of it's parts or from the night before. I was gonna smoke
cuz I was hung over
each part individually... it's like I agreed to them even though I a joint but there was
a family only few feet away and the life-
a
didn't want them and I don't know why... And before I drowned...
guard was already staring at us because we were loud and Victor
I was kinda going along with it all.. not happy not sad juss- didn't want us to get busted for the alcohol. You skipped to the
I dunno maybe doin' little things to fuck shit up..but when I water. Said you were going to body surf. You swam out. The
drowned.. in that moment... fiuck- I lost my train of thought.. waves were high because a storm was coming. Victor waded in.
SEBASTIAN. I think yer ahh little blue friends have kicked He was yelling at you and taking pictures with his digital cam
in. era. A big wave came and you swam it out but at the last second
PHOEBE. Umm... yeah... fuck...
you got swept under and we couldn't see you. Jesse and Ron
SEBASTIAN. I get what yer sayin' though... I think...
PHOEBE. Thanks.
nie werelaughing but then Victor yelled "Where is she?" And
they stopped. I was on the phone and almost hung up but then
middle
you surfaced. Laughing. You were laughing. Stuck your
(Beat.) finger up towards the horizon. You turned back. Laughing. Then
another wave came. But you didn't see this one. It hit you from
SEBASTIAN. Maybe I should tell you the behind. You disappeared for a second and then came up and went
PHOEBE. Yeah... yeah tell me the
story again.
story again.. back under. Came up and went back under. The lifeguard was
SEBASTIAN. Do you want to hear
sion? long or the short ver He didn't see you. Victor went in first. Swam
talking to a girl.
out and grabbed you but you were fighting too hard and pulled
PHOEBE. Ummm.. the short version. him under. Ronnie and Jesse stood up. And then I ran in. Swam
SEBASTIAN. Okay. and grabbed you from behind pulling you off of Victor. Hold-
PHOEBE. Thank you. ing you. The lifeguard was there too by that time. He gave you
SEBASTIAN. We were at the Jersey a paddle board and the four of us swam to shore. I helped you
A big wave
came.
shore. You swam out.
You got pulled under to the blanket while Victor threw up salt water and gin. Ronnie
and swept out-
started crying and Jesse held you.
 BIRTHDAY
26
BIRTHDAY

(Beat.) SEBASTIAN. Look I just wanted to help. You seem like

in trouble. yer
PHOEBE. (As ifrealizing it for the first time.) But he didn't
Jump in. (Beat.)
SEBASTIAN. Who?
PHOEBE. Jesse. He grabbed me after. But he didn't PHOEBE. P'm- I'm not "in trouble".
when I was drowning. jump in SEBASTIAN. Really?
SEBASTIAN. Phoebe don't fuckin' go down that road- PHOEBE. Yes. I'm just confused-er- figuring shit out er
PHOEBE. He should've gotten to me first. SEBASTIAN. Phoebe yer popping pills and hanging out
SEBASTIAN. What happened, happened. with me.
PHOEBE. We've been together since tenth PHOEBE. Jesus are you fucking accusing me of
SEBASTIAN. You can't blame him-
grade- some sort of like problem? having
PHOEBE. You're the one who saved me SEBASTIAN. In my observation
problem-free
SEBASTIAN. Phoebe... crush those fuckers up and snort them while hiding people don'
out from the
PHOEBE. No. The point of all of this is Jesse didn't. You world.
did. You didn't even like me that much and you saved me. PHOEBE. Fuck off. I thought you were- Jesus I guess yer
juss as insensitive an judgemental as-
(Beat. He looks at her. She kisses him. He
is caught of SEBASTIAN. No wait I'm not trying to be judgemental.
firstand then kisses her back guard at
PHOEBE. Could've fooled me.
for a second before pulling
away and) SEBASTIAN. I'm just trying to- Look you've good
got
stuff in your life even if you don't like it so much
if you don't like yer situtation don't
right now...and
SEBASTIAN. Woah, okay woah, we can't.. try to look for a quick way
PHOEBE. But out where there isn't one..
thought-
I
SEBASTIAN. Just forget what you
PHOEBE. But you kissed me back-
thought.. (Beat. PHOEBE gets up. Lights up on MALLORY in JESSE'S
SEBASTIAN. It was a mistake. Yer married- office.)
PHOEBE. But-
SEBASTIAN. Yer married. PHOEBE. Sure. I ummm.should go.
PHOEBE. I know but- SEBASTIAN. You gonna be okay? You should take a cab.
SEBASTIAN. Look Phoebe I am glad that I can be PHOEBE. Yeah.
here to
help you as a friend- and yes I'll fuckin' admit I like SEBASTIAN. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
this hanging
out thing with
you cuz strangely you've become one ah the PHOEBE. Yeah. Whatever.
people in my life who being around doesn't make me only SEBASTIAN. I didn't mean to make you upset. I just-
loser douchebag but- fuck- feel like a
PHOEBE. Too fuckin' late.
you can't be making all of this out to
mean more than it does.. SEBASTIAN. Look this doesn't mean we have to stop
PHOEBE. I almost died and meeting and talking about what happened.
you saved me.
SEBASTIAN. True but I ahh I don't think PHOEBE. Are you joking?
should make out. that means we SEBASTIAN. No I mean it still might help you to get past
PHOEBE. But this-
you're the only person who really
understand what I'm- where I'm- seems to PHOEBE. I think you've helped enough.
 BIRTHDAY

BIRTHDAY

SEBASTIAN. But-
PHOEBE. I'll see ya around. MALLORY. Your wifc.
SEBASTIAN. Phoebe- JESSE. Phocbe?
MALLORY. Yeah I guess.
(PHOEBE exits.) JESSE. What about her?
MALLORY. When you met her did
you know? Did you
SEBASTIAN. Fuck me. know you wanted to be with her forever?
JESSE. I guess so.. we were really young,..
(Lights down on SEBASTIAN. JESSE and MALLORY
in
MALLORY. But when you met her..did you
have this
JESSE 'S office) thing... almost like what they say about dying.. where
your life
flashes before your eyes.. but it's not your past it's your
future..
..
JESSE. Back so soon? but with that person...
MALLORY. Uhhh.. yeah.. JESSE. I... I mean I've been with her so long..maybe..
JESSE. Change your mind about the trip? MALLORY. Oh...
MALLORY. Ummm.. sort of... I JESSE. Sorry.
think. MALLORY. No, no problem.
JESSE. Figures.
MALLORY. What's that supposed to mean?
JESSE. I dunno you just didn't seem the world (Beat.)
travelling
type.
MALLORY. Oh. JESSE. Somebody make you change your mind about the
JESSE. Sorry, that came out a little meaner than I intended. trip?
MALLORY. I'm used to it. MALLORY. N... Maybe.. I'm not sure.
JESSE. I have a lot going on... I mean outside of work. JESSE. It happens to the best of us.
MALLORY. S'okay. MALLORY. You too?
JESSE. I guess... you know but she gave up stuff too. You
have to, to be in a relationship.
(Beat.) MALLORY. Was it worth it?
JESSE. So did you want to change your departure date? Or
change to a round trip? (Pause.)
MALLORY. I'm not sure...
JESSE. You should go on the trip.
JESSE. You can take day to think about it. It won't be that
a
much more expensive.
Unfortunately though the ticket's non- (Lights down on JESSE and MALLORY Lights up on RONNIE
refundable.
and VICTOR on the subway)
MALLORY. I know.
JESSE. So?
VICTOR.. So after fucking around in the park a little bit I
ran into you.
(Beat.) RONNIE. Shit. That's what I would call a day.
VICTOR. I know.
MALLORY. Ummm can I ask you a RONNIE. Wow, sitting here right now. You totally betray
JESSE. Uhhh... personal question?
sure.. about what? the rules of the shoe game.
 BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY
30 31

VICTOR. The what? VICTOR. Oh weird. I dunno. t's been a crazy day.
RONNIE. The shoe game. PONNIE. Clearly. Jesus man, you walked out on your job,
VICTOR. I don't get it. and nabbeda date all in one day?
look at that guy's shoes. got drunk
RONNIE. Okay, VICTOR. Yup.
VICTOR. Who? RONNIE. Shit I should be taking lessons from you. Maybe
a business suit with clogs
RONNIE. The dude wearing s. then I wouldn't be living in a
world
of pain with Sebastian.
What is that all about? VICTOR. I did something drastic about my situation and
VICTOR. Comfort. better than I have in two years.
RONNIE. No way Vic, that is clearly a case of a secret life feel
RONNIE. True. But I don't hate Sebastian.
going on. VICTOR. Oh we all know that. We all know that because
VICTOR. How do you know? it consumes your life and at leasta third of every conversation
RONNIE. You can always tell a person's true self by their
you have.
shoes. Clothes you can fake. But shoes.. shoes they always give Come on. It does not.
RONNIE.
you away. VICTOR. You're like the Jersey version of Morrissey.
VICTOR. So what do beat up Converse say about you? RONNIE. Gimme a break. I gotta give him time. I don't
RONNIE. That I'm fuckin' broke ass. wanna be the rebound girl.
VICTOR. So my loafers are lying. VICTOR. You have an excuse for everything.
RONNIE. Yup. They definitely don't say unemployed. RONNIE. We all have to be good at something.
VICTOR. I was planning on retiring them to the back of my VICTOR. Why are you attracted to him anyway? He's a
closet anyway.
bump on a log if you ask me.
RONNIE. You can get another teaching job anywhere. RONNIE I'm a sucker for a fixer upper. So sue me.
VICTOR. I don't wanna teach anymore. VICTOR I think yer just a sucker.
RONNIE. So what the fuck are you gonna do then? RONNIE. So then what's with the encouragement?
VICTOR. I dunno. VICTOR. Because regardless of how I feel you still need to
RONNIE. The bills aren't gonna pay themselves. tell him how you feel. Because I would like you to finally fuck
VICTOR. I am fully aware of that.
ing shut up about him.
RONNIE. Hey weren't you at some point gonna be the RONNIE. Whatever.
Chester Bangs of the twenty-first century or something?
VICTOR. It's Lester Bangs. (She rolls her eyes at him. Beat.)
RONNIE. So what about bein' that?
VICTOR. Look I just freed myself from the shackles of pub- RONNIE. Hey, has Phoebe been calling you lately'?
lic education. I kinda juss feel like secin' where the
day takes me. VICTOR. Not more than usual.
RONNIE. Well you could always be jolly green
me and Phebes. But then
a grocer like RONNIE. I thought s...
again I dunno if you could handle the VICTOR. Why?
glamour of it all.
RONNIE. Her and Sebastian have been hanging out.
VICTOR. No thanks. By the way are you crashing at my VICTOR. Here we go again.
place tonight? RONNIE. Just humor me for a hot minute, okay?
RONNIE. Nope the bitch is gone. She
VICTOR. Good cuz I have a date. dumped him. Finally. VICTOR. Fine, fine.
RONNIE. So did you know they've been hanging out?
RONNIE. How did you fail to mention
ry?
that in your big sto- VICTOR. Yeah I guess.
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY
32
33

think of all that?

RONNIE. Oh...What do ummm..you RONNIE. So what's your point?
she's mad at Jesse.
VICTOR. I think VICTOR. Sebastian doesn't seem to have much bullshit.
Jesse. They're like the coL
RONNIE. She's always mad at RONNIE. You don't live with him.
senior year of high school like e .
ple who should've broken up VICTOR. He doesn' have much of anything. Or
not as cold blooded as the rest of us. Whichever way maybe
erybody else did.
he's
you look at
VICTOR. I guess he takes that till death do us part thino
ing it he'1ll give the change to the homeless guy.
seriously. RONNIE. You' re losing me with the metaphor, dude.
RONNIE. Guess I'm not the only sucker we know.
vICTOR. He'll look at the homeless
guy and give him
VICTOR. Ha. Ha. change. He°'ll take on somebody else's bullshit. It makes him
feel better about himself. That's all it is with him and Phocbe.
(Beat.) RONNIE. You gotta lotta brains in that head
of yours.
VICTOR. It's a metaphor I stole from Lester Bangs from
RONNIE. Sooo... you think maybe something's going on this deconstruction ofa Van Morrison album he wrote.
with her and Sebastian? RONNIE. And you're over being a rock critic, huh?
VICTOR. No. VICTOR. I'm living in the moment, remember?
RONNIE. But she's not calling you.
RONNIE. Right, right.
VICTOR. She's not calling me cuz I would've told her to
get over it.
RONNIE. I find that hard to believe. (Beat.)
RONNIE. God, we really should be doing more with our
(Beat.) small lives.
VICTOR. See that homeless guy at the other end of the train.
VICTOR. I think you have to get your own shit together
RONNIE. Yeah.
before you can affect change on the world.
VICTOR. Watch when he comes through. Most of the peo-
RONNIE. Good way to justify quitting your job..
ple won't look at him.
VICTOR. Or a good way to justify you finally being truthful
RONNIE. Okay..
with Sebastian.
RONNIE. Yeah.
(They turn their heads and watch as if someone is walking past
VICTOR. I'm serious.
them on the train.)
RONNIE. (Sarcastically) Cuz me and Sebastian getting to-
gether will totally bring about world peace.
RONNIE. So yer point?
VICTOR. Everybody's shits gotta start somewhere.
VICTOR. They won't look at him not because don't
they RONNIE. Hey my dream may be small but it's still my
care but because they care too much.
RONNIE. dream.
They're not looking at him because they don't VICTOR. If it's small it shouldn't be that hard to attain
wanna give him money.
VICTOR. That's part of it. right?
RONNIE. Riight...this is my stop dude. Lemme know hoW
RONNIE. Okay.
your date goes.
VICTOR. Everybody here on the train has their
own bullshit
in their own lives and some days your own
to take on anybody else's. Ya bullshit...it's too bad (Lights down on VICTOR and RONNIE. Lights up on JESSE on
times just to make it gotta keep your skin thick some- the stoop of an apartment building in Queens. He paces.
through the day. MALLORY exits the building and comes down the stairs.)
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY
35
34

IRSSE. She's disappecared...not literally... I mean she's still

JESSE. Hey. ahuman being sitting there.. but she's gone.. the
MALLORY. Oh.. hey... om
address from your ticketbooking. Phoebe I knew is gone...nsideI guess... I mean I look at her..
JESSE. I got your there's nothing there.. mean there's
umm what are you doing here? fuckin' eyes and I
mean
MALLORY. Oh... into her
I recognize...andI
I'm not sure. something
there but nothing keep thinking
JESSE. I ummm... in
our honeymoon
not some sad, romantic
things were
MALLORY. Oh. about
of but in this- see we went to Scotland and
blissful kind way..
took this tour of Lochn ya know that place where the
(Beat.) fook this boat
supposedly is.. and anyway she wandered to the other
monster
MALLORY. I hafta meet
someone-
end of the
boat and this guy started telling me... just me mind
you...that the monster isn't a monster it's actually these reptiles
JESSE. I juss need talk to you for a
juss-I to minute.
lake.. and the lake is really dense..
MALLORY. About my trip? that live at the bottom of the
that you can't see the bottom..and that these reptiles
JESSE. Not really. so dense
the lake they swim around all happy and shit but
MALLORY. Oh. that live in
JESSE. Look what you said in the office it made me think their way that's when they come to the surface..
when they lose
thats when we see them ya know... when
about shit. to orient themselves..
that happens
they're lost... anyway guess just keep hoping
MALLORY. Oh. I 1
and I can't seem to find her in
JESSE. I wasn't totally honest with you. with Phoebe, cuz she's lost...
denseness beneath her eyes... and I hope what-
MALLORY. About what? there... in all that
JESSE. Phoebe...my wife.. ever it is comes to the surface... I just want her to come to the
MALLORY. Oh that's okay. surface..
JESSE. No it's not. MALLORY. Wow... I'm sorry..
MALLORY. It's not? JESSE. So I guess just do what you have to do for yourself
JESSE. Just hear me out okay. I really just need somebody cuz.. this guy... I don't know what your situation is-
to hear me out. MALLORY. He's the first person to ever tel me I was pretty-
MALLORY. Umm...sure. JESSE. Yeah well it doesn't always work out the way-
JESSE. Look I did feel that way about her.. that way you MALLORY. No he's the first person in my entire life.
said... I felt that way about her and it never went away and it was JESSE. Oh.
so fuckin' bad I gave up alotta shit to be with he.
MALLORY. So I uhhh...shouldn't go on my trip?
(Beat.)
JESSE. No. I dunno..
MALLORY. I'm confused. MALLORY. If we had had this conversation years ago
be-
JESSE. It's just that see the feeling... it's not a fore things got bad what would you have told me to do?
guarantee... I
gave up all this shit to be with her and now I work a crappy job JESSE. Say.
at a travel
agency because she's spending our money on pills er MALLORY. Huh...
god knows what... and she won't look at me... and what we had JESSE. But I know better now.
before.. MALLORY. Look, I have to see what happens at least for
MALLORY. It's disappeared?
JESSE. No. Yes. Not exactly. today.
JESSE. The ticket's non-refundable.
MALLORY. I don't understand. MALLORY. I knoW.
 BIRTHDAY

AY

Beat out and I saved her... Idon't even really ike

Sw
W am
her that iach
and I
out and I saved her.
I coulda just sat on the beach
do you care so much?
swam

MALLORY. Why clse..and she

just wished someone would've. uld've said this ike everybody keeps telling me she owes me ber
JESSE. I guess I needs me Sheryl... this
life.. and she girl for whatever reas
to me. herin life. mebody needs me and she can see
she needs
me
did
MALLORY. Maybe ummm...maybe they and
mm all
you didn't listen.
m not a lose... so of this. all of this you should know
now hhe.
it proves... it proves I do, do shit... 'm not
cause
just waste of
a
space.. and I just want you to think about that because I don't
(Beat.) the party promoter or whatever his fucking
think Phil name ts
don't wanna be late lda done something ike I did... cool... ummm call me bask.
MALLORY. I should get going. I
JESSE. Yeah... Bye..
MALLORY. P'IM let you know about the ticket..
Lights out on SEBASTIAN. Lights up on MALLORY and
JESSE. Sure... VICTOR at the bar The Other Room in the West Village
MALLORY. I'm sorry about your wife.
JESSE. Yeah, me too. MALLORY. It's really dark in here.
VICTOR. Yeah, I like to think of it as cozy.
(She exits. JESSE is alone. Lights down. Lights up on
SEBASTIAN on his cell phone. He dials a mumber)
(Beat.)
SEBASTIAN. Hey Sheryl... its me Sebastian... I know.. VICTOR. They play Tapes n' Tapes and Snow Patrol and
I know you told me not to call you... which is probably whyv
Radiohead. On a rare night they'll actually play the Velvet Un-
you're not picking up... or maybe you're not home.. but I'd like derground.
to think that you are there sitting on your pink couch listening to MALLORY. Oh.
this-Dammit. VICTOR. You into that kind of music?
MALLORY. I don't really know umm much about that kind
(He re-dials the mumber) of music.
VICTOR. Oh.
SEBASTIAN. Hey it's me again... Ithink your answering MALLORY. But l'm sure it's great.
machine cut me off or something.. anyway.. I thought about VICTOR. Yeah I think you'd like it...
what you said.. and 'll admit that it appears like I don't have
much motivation in life.. I do ummm... play a lot of video
Beat.)
and you're right I guess um.. a Philosophy degree isn't
games... want.
go some place else you
really gonna get me anywhere.. but I just wanna tell you- Fuck! VICTOR. We can
if
said.
MALLORY. No,no I like it. It's cozy like you
(He dials the number again.)
(Beat.)
SEBASTIAN. Me again... I think you're answering machine
is fucked-
anyway what I want you to know is that I saved this VICTOR. So...
girl at the beach a few months
ago.. She was drowning and
MALLORY. Yeah.
 BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY
38 39

VICTOR. Went to a lot of shows. Had a lot of well-thought.

(Beat.)
eloquent opinions but only a few reviews in the Brooklyn Rail.
VICTOR. I'm sorry about earlier today. ever really got further than that. So I became a teacher. Stcadi-
MALLORY. Why? er than working at a coffee shop tryin' to be somethin that's not
VICTOR. I'm actually very normal. That whole- well when happenin'.
we met- I was just- I don't act like that all the time.
MALLORY. You were endearing.
(Beat.)
VICTOR. I was?
MALLORY. In a manic sort of way. MALLORY. I dunno maybe you weren't supposed to be a

VICTOR. Yeah, I guess so. teacher.

VICTOR. Whattaya mean?
MALLORY. I like to believe that if you really want some-
(Beat.) out a way to make it happen.
thing bad enough you'll figure
VICTOR. I was surprised you said yes. VICTOR. Yeah... wel.. um.. at twenty-eight I think I'm a
the music business.
MALLORY. Me too. little old to be breaking into
MALLORY. Well maybe then it's time for a new dream.
VICTOR. Huh?
(Beat.) MALLORY. Just because you had to give up an old dream
MALLORY. But I'm-I'm glad l'm here now. doesn't m e a n you can't have a new one.
VICTOR. Wow... yeah... I never thought of it that way.
VICTOR. Me too.
MALLORY. Sorry. That sorta all juss came out
VICTOR. No. Thank you.
(Beat.)
VICTOR. The candlelight- (Beat.)
MALLORY. What? ummm where do
about me. So
VICTOR. The candlelight...it's pretty the way itreflects off
VICTOR. Anyway enough
your glasses. you work what do you do? law
MALLORY. Oh u m m . . . well I was a book keeper at a
MALLORY. Oh. Umm... that's a nice shirt.
VICTOR. Thanks. firm... up until a week ago...
VICTOR. A book keeper wow...
(Beat.) MALLORY. I'm good with numbers.
stuff.
VICTOR. I'm bet you're good at alotta
MALLORY. So ummm did you always want to be a
VICTOR. teacic
No.nope. I wanted to be a rock critic. (Beat.)
MALLORY. Like a
VICTOR. No, geologist?
like rock music. I wanted to be things come out the
no the VICTOR. God... sorry sometimes
great rock critic. i
MALLORY. Oh. Sorry. I'm not that into Wrong way-
pop cultur MALLORY. No, no it's fine.
VICTOR. That's okay.
MALLORY. So what VICTOR. I suck at flirting.
happened?
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDA
40

much better.
MALLORY. I'm not MALLORY. I booked a trip to Brazil, A one wau
l'm not skeevy, really.
VICTOR. zil. I've saved twenty thousand dollars to go there trip to Br
MALLORY. I know I
wouldn't be here
if you were. VICTOR. Oh.
MALLORY. Yeah..
(Beat.)
VICTOR. Usually girls tell me at the end of
the date that
MALLORY. Sorry.. we're not going outagain.
VICTOR. For what? MALLORY. No it's not you.. I nean I had
booked the trip
MALLORY. I don't go out much..
before
VICTOR. On dates? Me neither really. VICTOR. I know I was just kidding.
MALLORY. No I meant in general. MALLORY. Oh.
VICTOR. Oh. VICTOR. I guess ummm | just meant to
say you're really
MALLORY. This umm is actually my first time- nice and it sucks we won't get to hang out again.
VICTOR. Out at a bar? MALLORY. Yeah.
MALLORY. No ummm... on a date.
VICTOR. Really?
(Beat.)
MALLORY. Yeah.
VICTOR. f it makes you feel any better I've only had a MALLORY. Can I be honest with you?
string of bad ones. VICTOR. Sure... were you not being honest before?
MALLORY. Bad what? MALLORY. I was.. I mean I am all those things I said be-
VICTOR. Dates. fore-
MALLORY. Oh. VICTOR. Oh good cuz that would be weird on a first date to
VICTOR. But you, you're doing a good job. I mean a good lie although I've had that happen before.
job on this date. MALLORY. I just sort of didn't tell you everything.
MALLORY. Thanks. You too. VICTOR. You're not a lesbian are you? Cuz I've had that
happen before to.
(Beat.) MALLORY. No, no.. totally straight.
VICTOR. Whew... okay explain away then.
MALLORY. I uhhh... I have a fish. And I knit. And I live in MALLORY. Ummm... see... My sister and l..Ihave a sis
Brooklyn. ter... she's older she's a lawyer nowbut anyway.when we were
VICTOR. Huh? these dolls that suppoS-
younger we got these dolls.. they were
MALLORY. You ummm asked me about myself.. edly you ordered them to look like you... hen you and your doll
VICTOR. Right, right... And you told me arrived and
a trip.
you're going on
are like twins... it's supposed to be fun... so they like her,
Leslie, my sister opened her doll first and it looked just
MALLORY. Right.. yeah... I'm ahhh... I'm and this perfect inttie
VICTOR. You don't sound so sure of that
going on a trip. ya know. long blond hair... big blue eyes..
anymore. dol... and... it was periect
Dutton nose... and then I opened my were no
didn't look like me... there
looking just like hers... but it
(Beat.) teeth..
glasses.. mousey brown hair... or crooked
or

VICTOR. You're moving to Brazil

because of a dol?
VICTOR. Sorry, is it a sore
subject? MALLORY. No. Well sort of..
VICTOR. I don't get it.
 BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY

been like that forever ya know... like

MALLORY. See it's (Beat.)
wasn't one of those un-pretth.
the doll... cuz I
that moment with alternative funny personality. vICTOR. I wanna show you something..
some sort of
girls who cultivated even that personable... and then MALLORY. Okay..
been risky or slutty or
I've never VICTOR. It's in the Bronx. Do you mind taking the train?
in my math class got a nosejob... she was
in high school this girl
who wasn't that pretty but wasn't un-pretty she
one ofthose girls

was just sort of

there.. but after the nose job... she was differ
Lighis
ICTOR and
out on MALLORY. Lights up on JESSE
ent or everyone around
her treated her differently... whatever it and PHOEBE at home.)
so I started saving... worked
doesn't matter... she was happier.
PHOEBE. There's nothing in the fridge you probably wanna
all through high school.. two jobs in community college.. did
tons of research and when I had saved enough I booked the trip if you're hungry.
order something
to Brazil.. because they have the best most affordable plastic IESSE. We don't have enough money to order something.
PHOEBE. Well I ate.
surgery. IESSE. Ill just gnaw on the kitchen table or something
VICTOR. Wow..
MALLORY. I wanted to make a change... a big change... guess.
I wanted to take a big risk...become somebody else... because PHOEBE. Don't be passive aggressive.
this... I was tired of being this... JESSE. What do you want me to be then Phoebe?
VICTOR. Jesus Christ... PHOEBE. I dunno make a choice for yourself for once.
MALLORY. But then you asked me on a date... JESSE. Ive made plenty of choices for myself.

VICTOR.I did. PHOEBE. (Mumbling.) Not the right ones if you ask me.
MALLORY. No one's really ever looked at me.. or talked to JESSE. What?
me out of the blue for that matter.. I mean sometimes I feel like PHOEBE. Nothing.
I just blend in... with the surroundings... but you... JESSE. Maybe I should make choices like you Phoebe and
time taking pills instead of
work at a grocery store and spend my
(Beat.) looking for a real job.
PHOEBE. My job is a real job.
don't have aspirations
MALLORY. I'm sorry maybe I shouldn't have been so hon- JESSE., For people like Ronnie who
est... beyond being mediocre.
at a fucking travel
PHOEBE. Umm excuse me but you work
(Beat.) agency Jesse.
JESSE. Because you seem to be putting what little money
MALLORY. Please say something... we have up your nose.
VICTOR. I think you're very brave.. PHOEBE. That's low.
MALLORY. But? JESSE. It's true.
VICTOR. No buts... an "and" maybe... PHOEBE. Fuck you.
MALLORY. And?
VICTOR. And I think it's really beautiful that you felt like
you could be that open with me.
(Beat.)
MALLORY. Oh... good... JESSE. What am I supposed to do
Phoebe?
decide for yoursc
PHOEBE. I dunno yer a grown-up
 BIRTHDAY
BIRTHDAY
44

like you?
completely selfish I don'twant this anymore cither. I wanna be
JESSE. And be mean?
JESSE.
back t
that supposed to before.
PHOEBE. What's
were
we
the way
decision I've made since we got here have
e PHOEBE. No. You didn't save me when I was
JESSE. Every drowning.
make you happy.
been decisions
for us- for you... to JESSE. What are you talking about?
PHOEBE. Don't be
the martyr. PHOEBE. You were supposed to save me at the
beach and
and went to a state college to h Sebastian did.
JESSE. I gave up Cornell you
didn't.
IESSE. Wait. Is that what this is all about?
with you.
PHOEBE. I didn't force you Jesse. PHOEBE. Maybe.
JESSE. I moved to New York City
because that's what made IESSE. Fuck you Phoebe. You can't put all the bad shit be
even though we agreed that you would get a job
moment.
us on one
you happy. And tween
at a museum so I could write, I got that shitty job when the best PHOEBE. Well don't you think that one moment is prethy

thing you could come up with was bagging groceries. enlightening

about the state of our relationship?
PHOEBE. Are you done? JESSE. You think I wanted you to drown?
JESSE. No. I have stood by you through this whole drown- PHOEBE. No I'm- I guess I'm just starting to realize that
for a reason... to show you that certain stufF in
ing thing and and nothing I do seems to be working Phebes. Cuz things happen
all you seem to be doing is taking more and more pills.
your life
is working or not working.
PHOEBE. The doctor prescribed those to me. JESSE. What are you talking about?
JESSE. For a week. I looked at the original bottle. He gave PHOEBE. I wanted to goto college by myself. I wanted to
you a weeks prescription. come to New York by myself. I wanted to be able to make the
I wanted to work in a
PHOEBE. And then he gave me another one. decision whether or not fucking museum
JESSE. For three months? He gave you a three month pre- or a grocery store or whatever by myself.
scription for Valium? JESSE. Don't sit here and tell me that you got sucked into
PHOEBE. You don't go with me to the doctor you have no the undertow and suddenly resurtaced and decided yer life is shit
idea what you're talking about. cuzI didn't save you. That doesn't happen Phoebe it just doesn't.
JESSE. You haven't been to the doctor in the last two PHOEBE. Well it did-
months. JESSE. Cuz this sorta shit isn't something you just have an
PHOEBE. You don't know what I do when you're not epiphany about one day. This is the sorta shit you like feel the
around. whole time you're going through life and you tuck away till it's
JESSE. Really? Cuz my guess is you're buying that stuff built up.
from someone else and fucking snorting it. Fucking crushingit
up and snorting it. And not even in secret. You fucking snort it in
(Beat.)
front of me. What do you wanna get caught?
JESSE. Have you been feeling this the whole time?
(Pause. She looks away from him.)

JESSE. You have nothing

(Beat.)
to say?
this to begin with.
PHOEBE. I think I didn't want any of time.
(Beat.) JESSE. So while I've been in love
with you this whole
build-
for you, you've been just
PHOEBE. I don't want this anymore. wnile I've given up everything
ing up resentment?
 BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY

4b

make it like that Jesse. God, vou' re so

PHOEBE. Don't
much m o r e
in love with playing
the martyrthan
that.
you are with
(Beat)
JESSE. How dare you fucking say
Jesse don't you
see? You would havejumped: IESSE. Get out.
I don't wanna fucking look at you
PHOEBE.
in it deep down inside you didn't f l PHOEBE. What?
You would have jumped SSE. You want me to make a fucking decision for myself
the sameway too.
I'm sorry I didn't jump in. doesn'ttake you into consideratie then I'm making one
JESSE. I'm sorry. that
out.
PHOEBE. Jesse this
isn't working. now.
Get
right I
supposed to go?
fuck are w e supposed to do now? PHOEBE. Where
am
JESSE. Well what the
there is a we... JESSE. Try swimming. You seem to have luck figuring vos
PHOEBE. I don't think
is a we. life out there.
JESSE. We're married. There
dim on JESSE. Later that night
PHOEBE exits. Lighis
(Beat) MALLORY and VICTOR they stand in street
Lighis up on
JESSE. Phoebe? light over a tiny gravestone
nmade
ofpopsicle sticks.)
PHOEBE. I don't think I want to be with you anymore.
MALLORY. It's beautiful.
JESSE. You don't think, or you know...
sticks..
VICTOR. It's just s o m e popsicle
No but the gesture... is. most people wouldn't
(Beat.) MALLORY.
do that...
PHOEBE. I know. VICTOR. Yeah I guess not..
JESSE. What? MALLORY. You must've been a good teacher.
PHOEBE. Don't make me say it again. VICTOR. Some days...
JESSE. Jesus Christ Phoebe we've been together for almost MALLORY. You sad you're not one anymore?
ten years. You can't just fucking end it like this. There has to be VICTOR. Right now, no. Tomorrow, maybe...
like some way we can work through it. MALLORY. Oh.
with
PHOEBE. No... there isn't. VICTOR. Look, I just really wanna be here right now
I'm doing...and tomor-
JESSE. We could get you off the pills. We could go to cou- you...and just have that be the only thing
ple's therapy- row I'll think about tomorroW...
PHOEBE. No Jesse! No! I don't want to fucking be with MALLORY. Sounds good.
you anymore okay? And deep down inside whether you admit it
or not you don't want to be with me either.

JESSE. I do wanna be with you. Ijust wish you would be the

(Beat.)
person I used to know.
MALLORY. We should say a prayer or something. Don't
PHOEBE. But I'm not. And I don't ever really think I was people usually do that at gravesites?
that person. And
nothing you do or say is gonna make any of VICTOR. Sure.
this better!
JESSE. Well what the hell am I
PHOEBE. I dunno what you're
supposed to do now? (Beat.)
fucking do
supposed to do now. Maybe
something for yourself instead of trying to change MALLORY. I don't know any prayers
do you?
me.
 BIRTHDAY
48 BIE AY

VICTOR. Ummm... No..

(MALLORY
throws her arms around VICTOR)
(Beat.) RONNIE. No l'm in love with you.

VICTOR. Maybe we could just hold hands and have ;

SEBASTIAN. (Almost asleep.) Whah?
no- RONNIE. Nothing.
ment of silence instead.
MALLORY. Okay. MALLORY and ICTOR keep kissing.
Blue light up on PHOEBE. She is nearSEBASTIAN
waler and snores.
(They hold hands. On the opposite side of the stage it tentatively) looks at
RONNIE enters the room of
living her apartment. SEBAS
TIAN is asleep sprawled out on a bean bag chair. A Play
RONNIE. I'm in love with you Sebastian. l'm in
Station control, is dangling from his hands. A few beer bot love with
tles are scatered around him. She sits down in the other you.

beanbag chair. She pokes SEBASTIAN a few times.)

SEBASTIAN does not stir. PHOEBE stands at the
edge. She
strips down to her
underwear,closes her eyes
and puts her
RONNIE. Sebastian. hands up as if to dive in. Lights out.)

(Beat. She pokes again) End of play

RONNIE. Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN. Huh?
RONNIE. You hang with Phoebe?
SEBASTIAN. What? Yeah...
RONNIE. She okay?

(VICTOR and MALLORY end their moment of silence. They

look at each other:)
SEBASTIAN. I unno... Ron I'm tired...
MALLORY. What?
VICTOR. You're beautiful...
RONNIE. Sebastian?

(SEBASTIAN is half asleep. VICTOR grabs MALLORY and

kisses her)

SEBASTIAN. Hmm?
RONNIE. I love you.
SEBASTIAN. Mmmm... you too.