Acedia - The Brick

MTAENY2020
"Sappy tales for a frozen heart"

Part 1 of Tempora: Summer
By Christian De Gré Cárdenas, Developed at Mind The Art
Entertainment with The Alchemists and conceived at Yaddo Colony
and SPACE on Ryder.
CONTEXT/REFERENCE
"Acedia: the lost name for the emotion we're all feeling right now. A state of listlessness or torpor, of
not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world. In ancient Greece
akidía literally meant an inert state without pain or care."
-2020 Wikipedia entry
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is
madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — and
maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!"
-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote
"What he saw was that history was going to roll over everybody, that everybody was going to become
a victim of history. That's Kafkaesque. You struggle against history and history destroys you."
-The New York Times on Kafka's Metamorphosis
"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
PLOT
A broken man listens to an old radio in an isolated cabin for 7 weeks as the world comes to an end.
SCENES
Scene 1 - Frozen- Theo/Bart
Scene 2- Ice Cold- Theo/Box
Scene 3- Room Temperature- Theo/Bart/Killian/Box
Scene 4- Lukewarm- Theo/Finnigan/Kent/Box
Scene 5- Hot- Theo/Finnigan/Bart/Magda/Killian/Kent/Box
Scene 6- Boiling- Theo/Katia/Kent
Scene 7- Steam- Theo/Bart
1.
MTAENY2020
CHARACTERS
1. Theo - “Nobody gets hair-pulled fucked by a Theo”- late 30’s, tragic romantic
2. Bart- “Why would anyone fuck a duck?”- early 40’s, jovial trash
3. Finnigan - “Fucking is overrated”- mid 30’s, recovering divorcee
4. Magda- “Fuck, they can hear us”- timeless, psychic (also plays Katia, Theo's ex-wife)
5. Kent- “I’m just fucking fantastic”- mid 30’s, gallant hero
6. Killian- “For the good of us all, get your fucking shit together” - late 20’s, suit with legs
and...
*Box- a box
*Box is meant to be highly produced and pre-recorded with many voices, songs and sounds
populating its narrative.
SETTING
Some other time, some other place. The whole piece is set between the hours of 4:30 and 5:30 pm on
Mondays over the course of 7 weeks. It should all be in daylight in an abandoned old cabin in the
woods. An old tv, light beer bottles and pizza boxes strewn about pepper what is otherwise a ghostly
decorated mausoleum of forgotten and under used foreign family heirlooms. The piece begins 7
weeks before the Apocalypse.
STYLE
The show should feel like a regurgitated rom-com. Campy. Big. Very fast paced. Fun and
melodramatic. Characters should be played to type in the extremes of the form, till the final scene,
where earnest naturalism should become the driving style between the two leads.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Keep it simple. It's just "art."
2.
MTAENY2020
PROLOGUE
(A melancholic love song plays on an old radio. A montage will begin. As the montage builds, the old
radio song will transform from light pop to apocalyptic opera. The scene and performance within the
montage will reflect these shifts in tone.)
(Lights up. A broken man, Theo, enters the cabin, covered in runny makeup and holding a box of
wedding memorabilia. He waves as his driver departs. A montage follows showing him tragically
depressed. It should be morbidly ridiculous. He is sniffling while reading a letter from his former
spouse, Katia. He, numb and frozen, holds her wedding dress. He watches old home videos. He
drinks light beer while staring out the window. He reads old Valentine’s day cards. He sleeps on the
floor. He sad-masturbates while crying. He dances to an old wedding video. He overeats pizza. He
drunkenly tries on her wedding dress. Lightning. Music swells. A thunder storm. He puts on more
grotesque makeup. He slaps himself and weeps. Makeup runs. He stares at the sky. Lighting. Music
swells. He screams with an anguish previously never before felt by a sentient being. Lighting. Music
swells. Makeup drenched, wedding dress uniformed, drunk, broken, anguished, tortured, vacuumed
Theo looks to the sky, lightning, and shouts:)
THEO
PERSON! I’LL GET YOU BACK!
(Blackout, thunder. 7 days later)
3.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 1- FROZEN
(Lights up, Theo is passed out face down on the floor wearing Katia’s wedding dress. The door bell
rings)
THEO
...No...
(Rings again)
THEO
No!
(Banging on the door)
THEO
NOOOOO!
(Louder banging)
THEO
Just let me die!
BART
(offstage)
Theo! Open up bro!
THEO
Just let me die in peace
BART
(offstage)
Come on dude! I gotta get to my next delivery!
THEO
Leave me I am lost.
BART
Oh man, are you on the floor again?
THEO
Yes! With the roaches and mice, with the trash, where I belong.
4.
MTAENY2020
BART
Are you wearing Katia’s dress again?
THEO
...no…
BART
Theo!
THEO
UGH! You are so demanding!
BART
Come on! I have your dinner.
THEO
Is it the cajun special?
BART
Yes, with the extra sausage.
THEO
Oh, you DOOOO, not, in fact, hate me.
BART
Baby steps bro. Come on. Just ooooone leg.
THEO
No
BART
Just ooooone leg, in front of the other.
THEO
UGH, but they hurt
BART
No they don’t. Cooooome on, up, up, up. Oooooone leg in front of the other.
THEO
Everything hurts. She took my nervous system.
5.
MTAENY2020
BART
Follow my voice. Theeeeeeooooo.
THEO
I hate you!
BART
I know. Theeeeeeooooo.
THEO
Oooooowwwwww. I’m dying.
BART
Theeeeeeooooo, Theeeeeeooooo!
(He keeps chanting, Theo crawls on all fours to the door, he opens it and collapses on the floor again.
Bart enters.)
BART
Little bro bro broster!
THEO
Go on! Judge me! Spit on me!
“Welcome to rock bottom manor!!!”
BART
Here’s your pizza.
THEO
(starts eating it)
What do I owe you?
BART
Me? Nothing. My boss? Around 2 grand.
THEO
Just take my organs then
BART
(Steps over him, goes to the TV and turns it on)
Anything good on?
6.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Wheel of fortune at 6:30 but I already saw that episode. There’s a new documentary on unruly cats on
channel 7 but it’s boring.
BART
Channel 12?
THEO
Judge Gilly, seen it
BART
9?
THEO
Jaque Custeio Jr. reruns
BART
(scrolling through channels)
Anything you haven’t seen?
THEO
No. Bart. Nothing new.
I’ve seen everything… that’s ever… been… made… … Okay? It’s all shit and I deserve it.
BART
Buddy.
THEO
I’m not your buddy, sir, I’m filth. I wish I had the courage to just end it.
BART
Stop it. Ooo duckies!
THEO
Oh, Fuck a duck.
BART
You know, I never got that expression, fuck a duck, why would anyone fuck a duck?
THEO
Because their penises are curly. And long. And they hurt. A lot. It’s an insult.
7.
MTAENY2020
BART
But they’re so cute.
THEO
So was Katia. Cute Katia. Cute Katia curly duck-fucked me.
BART
Technically she curly- duck fucked Kent.
THEO
Uuuuuuuuggggghhhhh.
BART
I know buddy, I know. I got you a present.
THEO
Self- worth?
BART
No, it’s like a new radio
THEO
Good it can drown out my masturbating. Killian says the neighbors got tired of my sad sounds.
BART
Ha ha! Look how cute the baby ducklings are, just little balls of feathers.
THEO
One dies at the end. A fox eats it. It’s graphic.
BART
(Turns TV off)
You gonna leave the house today? Take a little walk in the big old woods?
THEO
NO!
BART
Theo?
THEO
No! Maybe tomorrow.
8.
MTAENY2020
BART
You’ve been saying that since you got here.
THEO
Yeah, well, somebody once said “till death due us part.” Words mean nothing.
BART
You know the whole reason we brought you here was to get you into nature. Be like bear! Man vs
nature! Grrrr!
THEO
Bear? Nono. I'm too beta. I'm like a pigeon or an ugly flightless bird. Like a bald chicken. Or a
neutered Turkey. Nature wants, nay longs, to eat me. I'm at the bottom of the food chain.
BART
Birthday's coming up, huh? Exciting, yeah? Wanna go bowling?
THEO
I’d rather exfoliate with a cheesegrater
BART
Argh! Oww, why? Okay. Well, I should drop these pizzas off. Hahahaha! They're super cold! People
are gonna be so pissed.
THEO
Please do kill me on the way out.
BART
That’s okay. Here
(Hands him a little black box)
THEO
What’s this?
BART
Apparently, it’s the latest thing. Microradiationesqishnesssomethingmagikishness radio thingy
something. I dunno. It’s just like in beta stages, but it’s going to be like the next thing. My buddy Carlos
oh you know Carlos, yeah, he said it’s awesome.
THEO
Isn’t it Carl?
BART
9.
MTAENY2020
Oh yeah, Carlos is fucking Carl now, right
THEO
Well, it looks expensive. What do I owe you?
BART
Oh no I stole that.
THEO
From Carl?
BART
Carl.
THEO
Landscaping Carl who is letting me rent here Carl?
BART
"Rent" is a bit of an overstatement. More like you stay here a little, real quiet, and he gets some money
in an envelope once in a while.
THEO
I've barely seen him
BART
I know he and his family are up here somewhere, working for those richass fuckers, the ones with the
weird names. It's like their parent’s Fall home or some shit. Once a year they come here for some
annual Autumn anal dinner family gathering thing. But yeah, he's around, says pay is good, and his
son’s better. Daughter’s turning 3, I think. Wife, meh, I think she hates him.
THEO
Of course she does.
BART
Yeah, poor Carlos.
THEO
Carl.
BART
Right. I don’t understand it.
THEO
10.
MTAENY2020
It’s not really for you to understand.
BART
Yeah. That's some next level assimilation shit.
THEO
So, Carl gave you this box thing?
BART
Kinda?
THEO
Did you borrow it?
BART
Kinda
THEO
Did you steal it?
BART
(giggles) Kinda. Yeah, fuck that guy. But happy early birthday! Anyway, apparently there’s some cool
radio shows on there. Help you pass the time. Maybe you can stop watching your old wedding videos.
THEO
Slut
BART
I know. I’ll see you tomorrow. And maybe we can go for a walk?
THEO
Nope
BART
Great! Cajun again?
THEO
Fine.
BART
Love you bro
THEO
11.
MTAENY2020
Love is but an empty word
BART
Okay. Bye.
THEO
How does this thing work?
BART
No idea. But you have plenty of time on your hands to figure it out.
THEO
Time is meaningless.
BART
Yup. See ya tomorrow.
THEO
I’ll be dead by then.
BART
Of course. Ice cold pizza on its way!
THEO
Can you drop this in the mail?
BART
Another letter?
THEO
Everyday means everyday.
BART
Alrighty. You crazy little man. Sure. Bye bro, chin up, love you, you got this, etc.
THEO
Uuuuugh.
BART
Take off the dress
THEO
Ugh.
12.
MTAENY2020
(Bart leaves, Theo stares at the little box in his hand. Blackout.)
SCENE 2- ICE COLD

(7 days later. Theo in a soiled onesie is brushing his teeth in the kitchen sink. He addresses himself
with concern, he addresses his concern.)
THEO
You should just sleep in the bedroom tonight.
No. Theo. I'm not going to sleep in a love crypt. Why? Because beds are where people consummate
their love,Theo. Jesus! Have some fucking empathy.
Ummm, so you're going to live here then, in this one shitty little room?
Yeah. 100%. This is where I belong. In limbo.
That's a little pathetic. You’ve been sleeping here for two weeks.
Wow, thanks for noticing.
(exhales deeply) This is why she left you.
No. Nono. No. No, she left me because she loves big dick.
That's crass and inaccurate.
Well, yeah, hmmm, she wanted to get fucked. Like super fucked. Not like "is this okay, do you like
this?" But like FUCKED! And nobody ever gets hair-pulled FUCKED by a Theo.
Theo…
Nope. Nope nope. They get "lovemaking." At best. Or minute man with an apology.
You guys had your moments. Remember Veracruz?
Yeah-okay-maybe-yeah. Okay. Ages ago. When I cared.
Maybe that's the problem.
Maybe YOU’RE the fucking problem. You soul suck. Always whispering ….whisperwhisperwhisper….
You know what you are? You're the voice of doubt…
13.
MTAENY2020
…You made her leave.
Okay, deflect.
Yeah-fine-fuck-you.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you want Theo?
Katia
She's gone
Slut
Stop, what do you really want?
My person.
(He stares at himself in the mirror for a long time in silence.)
Are your teeth clean?
Yeah.
That's a start. What's next on the list?
Nothing.
Wanna do some emotional intelligence work today?
No. Fuck your emotions.
Okay.
She's coming back.
No, she's not
Fuck you.
14.
MTAENY2020
That's not nice
We have our whole future planned out, next year it's Chile, there we're gonna renew our vows, the US
Open, she fucking loves tennis, the dog, I still have my deposit on the Husky.
She doesn't believe in marriage.
No, she doesn't KNOW if she doesn't believe in marriage, anymore.
You never listen.
You're just a fucking debbie downer. You'll see, you just gotta believe.
Pleasure chatting with you, man.
Right.
Have a good day.
Pfft.
(He moves away from the sink and picks up the box, it speaks)
BOX
(Very loud as a chicken)
Pukaaaah!!!
THEO
What the fuck?
BOX
Captured English. Language calibrated. Would you like to continue in English?
THEO
Uh, yes?
BOX
Locating audio source.
(The box begins to play from an old wound up radio in the corner, all box audio will come from this
source for the remainder of the play)
15.
MTAENY2020
Only one possible soundsource detected, not optimal, but tolerable. Refining quality. (Then grand)
Welcome to Acedia. AAAAAAH!
THEO
Whoa.
BOX
Apologies for the scare, we needed to calibrate language settings in an organic way. What is your
name?
THEO
Theo
BOX
May we access your location Theo?
THEO
I mean, I guess. I thought that wasn't allowed anymore.
BOX
It's not. But we're doing it anyway. We do appreciate the permission though, now we don't have to lie
to you.
THEO
What are you?
BOX
We don't answer questions. Based on your name and location we have found your records, Theo. Do
you know you are past due for a dentist’s appointment? You also owe 2 months’ rent, your milk has
expired, you're currently squatting on private property, and lastly, happy birthday!
THEO
It's not my birthday yet.
BOX
That's incorrect.
THEO
What?
BOX
16.
MTAENY2020
We do not answer questions. Based on your profile we have some curated content for you. This will be
our last conversation. Enjoy Acedia. AAAAHHH! Goodbye.
THEO
Wait
BOX
Yes Theo?
THEO
Oh, I thought you were leaving
BOX
We are. Was that your last question?
THEO
No, how does this work exactly?
BOX
We do not answer questions. Enjoy Acedia. AAAAAH! Listen actively. Be present today for a better
tomorrow. Acedia. AAAAH! And now your curated content.
(The "box" makes a soothing sound

A pop song begins)
BOX
(Pop song)
I'll never let you go
I'll never give you up
I'll never think of you the same way again
I’ll never let you go
I'll never let you down
I'll never be the one to bring you such pain
THEO
This is stupid
BOX
(As MATTHIAS)
Good evening Acedians. Welcome to Sappy Tales for a Frozen Heart, I'm your host, Matty, coming to
you live from Billyburg. We begin this week’s program with some wedding news!
(Wedding fanfare from Griefly plays)
17.
MTAENY2020
George and Rob from Billings Montana will be celebrating their marriage in one week. Rob proposed
on an air balloon over the flooded Minnesota plains. It was a sight to behold. “We just rolled the dice
and there it was! Get married! So we got on a goddamn air balloon! Our love flies higher than ever
before!!!”
THEO
It'lll never fucking last!
BOX/MATTHIAS
We also congratulate the Fischer's from El Paso Texas, former software engineers who met during the
farming career transitions seminars proudly sponsored by Turbo Green, E-file today! “I didn’t think that
I would ever find joy again after the tech ban, but my Mrs Fisher has shown me that there can be life
after all your dreams literally fall apart and come to an abrupt and merciless end. We just bought some
land here by the former border and we can’t wait to make some fresh produce for the relocated. We've
got purpose again!” Awwww. Sappy sapsters!
THEO
Rich hippie fucks.
BOX/MATTHIAS
And now, for my little jaded frozen hearts, your 10 seconds of rage:
(Heavy metal song)
Die bitch die bitch die!
Rot in hell you cheating fucking lie!
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
THEO
Oh, this may be fun.
(Opens beer. Blackout)
18.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 3- ROOM TEMPERATURE

(7 days later. Theo's birthday. Theo and Bart are eating pizza, listening to the box which is playing the
end of "Tsunami". Bart lights a joint. They are wearing party hats.)
BOX
(Folk song)
As the glow of the sun warms the rain
As the glow of the sun eases the rain
As the glow of the sun quiets the rain
(MATTHIAS)
That was Tsunami by my buddy Billy from the Burg from his new experimental development concept
album on feelings. And now, cello music you can openly weep to!
(Cello suite from "Griefly" begins)
BART
So that’s it? It's like a music library?
THEO
No, it's personally curated content for people in need Bart. It's soooooothing.
BART
And this program
THEO
Sappy tales for a broken heart
BART
Right, that. It's what again?
THEO
Magic Bart. It's magic. It's a show that comes on just for a few minutes, live, every Monday, and it just
tells you good love stories. Because while everything is broken in the world Bart, love, love is what
matters.
BART
(Playing with the remote)
What's up with the TV?
THEO
I got rageful at a rom-com on Channel 10.
BART
So?
19.
MTAENY2020
THEO
I may have kicked it. A lot. It's, uh, it's broken.
BART
Okay. Well, I'm glad you like your birthday podcast though.
THEO
It's not a fucking podcast. It's personally curated..
BART
Content, yes you said. I ain't judging bro.
THEO
You were slightly judging.
BART
Why do you always tell me how I feel?
(there's a knock on the door)
THEO
(Shouts)
Fuck off Carl.
BART
I can speak for myself, I'll tell you when I'm judging. Oh, you'll know.
KILLIAN
Hiiii! It's Killian, your friendly co-op board chair! Please open up!
BART
Like I don't know my own emotions or something. You silly man, I'm fucking connected.
THEO
How the fuck does Killian know I'm here?
BART
I ain't no rat. Don't look at me.
THEO
Put your join out.
20.
MTAENY2020
BART
It's legal again
THEO
Still frowned upon by the "co-op board"
BART
Fuckturds
(Theo opens the door, Killian enters)
KILLIAN
Why, how are you?
THEO
Splendid. Hi Killian. How did you know I was here?
KILLIAN
Well, that's great. I'm good too, thanks for asking. And who is this handsome fellow?
THEO
This is my brother Bart
BART
Sup
KILLIAN
Charmed.
BART
Omigod are you the Turbo Green guy?
KILLIAN
Oh, I sure am.
BART
I love those commercials! TURBO GREEN! E-FILE TODAY!
KILLIAN
E-FILE TODAY!
BART
You look like such a douche in those ads.
21.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Not helping Bart.
KILLIAN
Well, thank you for that astute "aesthetics" assessment Mr., ummm, Bart.
THEO
Killian, I'm on an emotional wellness retreat.
KILLIAN
I see that, nice party hat.
THEO
It's my birthday.
KILLIAN
Congratulations. Theo, the co-op is so grateful to you for you and Katia’s service. How is she?
THEO
Fucking some guy named Kent
BART
She has a duck shaped penis now
THEO
Inside voice, Bart, inside voice
KILLIAN
Yes, we heard of their dynamic. Interesting choice. Well, Theo, Mr. Bart, it's just, regarding the state of
your lease. We've been trying to reach you.
THEO
Right, I'm unreachable right now. Emotional wellness retreat.
KILLIAN
Yes. That. Well, as you know, there were a lot of disruptive sounds coming from your apartment during
your divorce. You understand, the screaming and crying, well, oof, someone complained to the board
apparently. And well, we have children in the building. And the, sniff sniff, marijuana. You know, haha,
drugs, it's not that kind of building anymore. Neighborhood's grown. We kind of have a new vibe there.
And God, you've been through so much, but sadly, someone has to say it, and I so value our
transparency, so, well, your standard of living isn't quite up to the co-op board's standards. It is, finally,
well, a kind of a nice building, less troubled, and we're doing a lot for the neighborhood…
22.
MTAENY2020
BART
Heh
KILLIAN
Yes Mr. Bart?
BART
You guys kicked all the brown and poor people out to feel better about yourselves
KILLIAN
Oh god no! Oh no? Oh gosh. No no. You've seen our equity statement. We stand proud. And the
"displaced" are much happier now, we subsidized...
BART
You guys hate brown and poor people
KILLIAN
We stand with our brothers and sisters of all colors, classes and creeds Mr. Bart.
THEO
I'll keep it down when I get back. It's just been a rough patch. Had to get out of there, too many
memories.
KILLIAN
Oh yes, of course, you've been through so much, we completely understand.
THEO
Thank you.
KILLIAN
It's just...
BART
Suit is evicting you bro
KILLIAN
Mr. Bart, you're so outspoken, how endearing. Theo, it's just that we've had this conversation before
and the co-op board, well, you know how they get.
THEO
I'll clean up when I get back. Got it.
23.
MTAENY2020
KILLIAN
Right. But no. You're also behind you see.
BART
Man is struggling, he said.
KILLIAN
Yes, well, it's already been taken care off.
THEO
You can't just kick me out.
KILLIAN
Heavens! Kick out a divorcee! Never! The co-op just felt you were a good candidate for relocation.
One kind soul, ahem, even offered to pay your past due rent to facilitate the transition. I, we, well, the
board, just feels it might be good for you to be with people... in your standing.
BART
You're going to be Carlos' neighbor Bro
THEO
It's Carl
KILLIAN
I don't understand why so many of them are changing their names.
BART
Right? Like bro it's still you.
KILLIAN
Yes. Mr. Bart gets it.
THEO
Uh-huh. (Long pause) SO I'M LOSING MY FUCKING APARTMENT BECAUSE I’M SAD?!?
KILLIAN
Oh no! God no! No no no! We want to help you, Theo. We loved you and Katia. It's just without Katia,
and given Katia's recent choices in her new partner type, huh, well, it's, you know, not the same.
Ummm. Vibe.
BOX
(The box makes a soothing sound
A pop song begins)
24.
MTAENY2020

THEO
Show is on, fuck you Killian. I'll pay what I owe and I'll be friendlier and jovial and quiet and shit when I
get back. Thanks.
BOX
Ill never let you go
KILLIAN
(Walking towards door)
The process is in motion. The board has spoken.
THEO
You gonna bully me out, you fucking tan suit with legs?
BART
Bullies are delicious
KILLIAN
Bullies? Oh god no, no no, it's just. People have their, their place, and sometimes they just need a
gentle reminder of where that is.
THEO
I'm not moving.
BOX/MATTHIAS
Good evening. Welcome to Sappy Tales for a Frozen Heart, I'm your host...
KILLIAN
I thought you might say that, so I've prepared these documents. Let me put this in terms you might
understand. For the good of us all, get your fucking shit together and know your fucking place.
(Theo slams the door shut on Killian)
BOX/MATTHIAS
...Matty, coming to you live from Williamsburg….
KILLIAN
25.
MTAENY2020
I'll leave this here. Goodnight Theo, Mr. Bart.
BOX/MATTHIAS
And as we do every Monday, here is your weekly Sappy Tale:
(Cheery pop music)
BART
Nice bro
THEO
Pass me a beer and shut up, this show is my favorite
BOX/MATTHIAS
Renowned inventor Teddy Baskins was swallowed by a whale last night while research diving for his
new book on interspecies emotional intelligence. He was off the coast of the Mayan capital of Oaxaca
on his 95th birthday and somehow… miraculously survived. As he returned to shore, the first thing he
did was hug his wife of 48 years for over an hour. His take on this incredible experience: "I have to
apologize to that whale, I was in his territory and it's such a rare sight nowadays with just about a
dozen humpback whales left in the wild, I feel grateful to have seen this majestic giant and thankful
that he taught me that when faced with the end, all one really thinks about is the love of their life. Love
is what matters. Therefore I hereby announce my retirement, I shall spend the rest of my days basking
like a Baskings in my wife's glow." Ugh, what a sappy tale. Beautiful story.
THEO
Ain’t that something.
BOX/MATTHIAS
And now, my little jaded frozen hearts, your 10 seconds of rage:
(Heavy metal song, Theo joins in, singing over it)
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
THEO
Isn’t it great?
BART
You got any cookies and milk?
THEO
You're 40 years old
26.
MTAENY2020
BART
Jesus said to be child like
THEO
You’re atheist
BART
Holy man speaks some truth though
THEO
Top shelf, milk is in the fridge
(Bart lumbers to kitchen)
BOX/MATTHIAS
And now sad violin music mixed with the sounds of grown men crying
(suite from Jack plays)
BART
(Spits milk everywhere)
Milk! Ack! Death! Ack! Lumpy? Why God why!
THEO
It was fine a few days ago
BART
Dude it’s definitely bad. Definitely. Cookies and Coors it is!
(He dips his cookies in Coors Light)
THEO
You’re disgusting
BART
You’re the one who is always inventing new life forms
THEO
Like when we were in college, and we left that corn in the fridge for weeks?
BART
You mean the pink slime monster
THEO
I made life
27.
MTAENY2020
BART
You let something rot
THEO
Life!
BART
I should go.
THEO
Nonsense, it just started.
BART
I have a hot date
THEO
With that psychic chick again?
BART
Magda the magnificent magpie, Magister of the mysterious and macabre!
THEO
Right
BART
She's really hot and it's a long drive back.
THEO
It's not like it's 6 hours.
BART
Isn't it?
(Beat.)
THEO
It's like 25 minutes.
BART
Oh. Right.
THEO
28.
MTAENY2020
Right.
(Beat.)
THEO
Stay till the end, it's a short show.
BART
(Smiling)
Okay brother. Okay. Hey, you look better man.
THEO
Thanks, you sappy sapster.
BOX/MATTHIAS
And now my Sappy Sapsters and Frozen Hearts, it’s time for your Monday call-in (overproduced jingle
plays). Today we have Tuft Collins, calling in on his honeymoon from the shores of El Cabo in New
California. Tuft, you there buddy?
BOX/Tuft
This shit on?
BOX/MATTHIAS
Welcome! How’s the honeymoon going?
BOX/Tuft
My wife is a frigid cunt.
BOX/MATTHIAS
Whoakay! Thanks for calling in.
THEO
I love this show.
BART
Happy birthday man, I love ya!
(Blackout)
29.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 4- LUKEWARM
(7 days later. Theo, while addressing his concerns, opens his door to do a ridiculous hermit trash
thing. Finnigan walks by.)
THEO
Shut up.
Why did you let it get like this?
It's just trash. Would you relax
Tell me to relax one more fucking time and...
FINNIGAN
Hi!
THEO
(Looking around)
Eh? Okay...
FINNIGAN
Hi! I'm Finnigan.
THEO
Okay.
FINNIGAN
I'm the new groundskeeper.
THEO
Okay
FINNIGAN
Just wanted to introduce myself.
THEO
Okay. Look, I'm sorry about the screaming at nights, Carl already talked to me about it, we’re working
it out.
FINNIGAN
Carl's gone, I'm his replacement.
30.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Oh, well, I'm Theo, I scream a lot
FINNIGAN
Nice to meet you, I'm Finnigan, I already said that, sorry, I'm sorry you scream a lot, if you ever need a
friend
THEO
Friend? Oh?
FINNIGAN
Sorry, too fast, right, damn it Finnigan
THEO
Too fast for what?
FINNIGAN
I just moved here. My life before was kind of taken from me. It kind of exploded. I kind of made it
explode. I nuked my life, okay. Nuked it. Wasteland. Sorry, I'm new here, I forgot how to meet new
people. Shut up Finnigan you're being weird
THEO
You uh talk to yourself?
FINNIGAN
Oh, hah, old habit. I spent a lot of time alone outdoors, particularly during my divorce, weeding is
easier when talking, sometimes I think the weeds scream little screams as I pluck them. If I talk over it,
it drowns out their sad sounds.
THEO
Ah. Divorce? Did your spouse fall in love with a well-endowed Kent?
FINNIGAN
I don’t think so.
THEO
Well that’s nice.
FINNIGAN
You collecting cans for the turbo green rebate?
THEO
What?
31.
MTAENY2020
FINNIGAN
The cans. You have a lot of cans.
THEO
Ah yes. My ex-wife is a whore incarnate so I drink now.
FINNIGAN
You should turn them in
THEO
I don't. Do. That.
FINNIGAN
But Turbo Green has these…
THEO
Yeah. No. I don't. Do. That. With. Them. For those. People. I don't want to be rude but I'm busy soooo
yes very lovely to meet you Finnigan, have a good evening.
FINNIGAN
You too.
(She begins to walk away and sings to herself)
FINNIGAN
THEO
Do you have a box?
FINNIGAN
Sorry?
THEO
That song. I heard it on my box.
FINNIGAN
I heard it last week on the radio.
THEO
Oh. So you don't have a box?
32.
MTAENY2020
FINNIGAN
Box? It's like top 40 this week.
THEO
I heard it two weeks ago
FINNIGAN
It just came out last week. I follow these things.
THEO
Ha! I'm trendy now. Good.
FINNIGAN
What is this box?
THEO
If you don't know, then you don't know.
FINNIGAN
Okay. I get it. I’m sorry. You don't want to talk, that's fine. That's fine. I'm too friendly, or not friendly
enough, tracks.
THEO
Oh gosh. Oh no. Sorry sorry sorry.
FINNIGAN
It's fine.
THEO
No, I can be a person for a moment. Finnigan, I have this box, Acedia, aaaah!, my brother gave it to
me for my birthday and it plays music and that's a new theme song on it. I just never heard it before
and was surprised you knew it.
FINNIGAN
Everyone has been listening to that song since last week. It's all over the radio.
THEO
BUT MY BOX IS PERSONALIZED CURATED CONTENT!
FINNIGAN
Okay. Cool. Well, enjoy. Um, Bye.
33.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Bleh! I'm sorry. Hello, I'm Theo and I'm terrible with new people. Well, actually, just all people. In
general.
FINNIGAN
I'm Finnigan and I am the same
THEO
Welcome to rock bottom manor! The dilapidated yet trendy woods of isolation! I believe this is where
rich hippies go to die.
FINNIGAN
Thank you. I know it's forward but my therapist says I have to work on my self worth so here I go, if
you ever want to hang out I'm just next door in that little shack.
THEO
Thank you. I'll try not to wake you with my sad sounds.
KENT
(Enters, a huge man, graceful and wolf-like, a man you want to smoke a pipe with and yet feel
comfortable with him babysitting your cat)
Theo.
THEO
Excuse me while I take this call. Kent! How are you?
KENT
You're a small man, you know. A very small man.
THEO
How wonderful to see you! I believe my wife Katia already has all my money, and your penis, what
else can I possibly help you with?
KENT
Stay out of our lives.
THEO
Just a small domestic dispute, one second. Oh Kent, you Adonis, whatever do you speak off?
KENT
34.
MTAENY2020
One, you've never had money, you took half of hers when she left you. Two, please don't play dumb.
Three, no more letters to her.
THEO
My wife?
KENT
Your ex-wife.
THEO
Your girlfriend
KENT
My fia… yes. My girlfriend. You need to stop.
THEO
Finnigan, Kent, Kent, Finnigan. Finnigan is my new neighbor, maybe even friend, Kent is a parasite.
FINNIGAN
Hello.
KENT
Seriously?
THEO
Kent says hi, he just lacks some social skills
KENT
One second. (To Finnigan as he gallantly stretches out his hand) a pleasure to meet you Finnigan, I
am Kent, if this man ever troubles you, please let me know. Now please excuse me. (To Theo) It
needs to stop.
THEO
Your coming over unannounced? Yes, kind of you to notice. Very rude. Tsk tsk tsk. Crashing my
emotional wellness retreat, how intrusive. How do people keep finding me?
KENT
Listen, buddy
THEO
Not your buddy
35.
MTAENY2020
KENT
It's every day. The letters. It's unhealthy. She's gone. It's over, man. She is not coming back to you.
Leave her alone. She's happy.
THEO
What a fun gesture. The big man, coming to save his woman with his big arms from the evil ex
husband who doesn't quite believe it's over. Admirable. Fruitless, totally, but admirable.
FINNIGAN
I should go.
THEO
Nonsense! We are all just getting to know each other. Having a little fun. Right Kent? Bro?
KENT
I'm gonna need you to back off Theo. Final warning.
THEO
I'm a Baskins, Kent!
KENT
I don't know what that means.
THEO
Of course not. Read a book brute. It's easy. I'm like Teddy, Teddy Baskins, spent his whole life in love
with something he couldn't grasp then got eaten by a whale, your fucking of my wife, in this metaphor,
is that whale. But! Plot twist, he survived, and poof! Here I am, and I intend to reclaim the hug of my
ever after.
KENT
What are you even talking about?
THEO
I'm a mothafucking Pinocchio, bitch.
KENT
A lying wooden puppet.
THEO
No, a glorious survivor. The whale. It's a thing. Look, I will crawl out of this whale Kent, and you'll be
discarded like some putrid puked up plankton
36.
MTAENY2020
FINNIGAN
Oh I saw that in the papers this morning! Some famous guy got spat out by a whale yesterday.
THEO
Honey, that happened last week, you really got to catch up.
FINNIGAN
Please don’t call me honey
KENT
You write Katia again, we'll have words.
THEO
I shudder.
(Takes out final bag of cans)
KENT
You’re a fucking child. (Turns to leave) Final warning.
THEO
Oooo so Alpha of you. I’m a very comfortable Beta, Kent. I’m a mothafucking cuttlefish!
KENT
Never contact her again.
(The box makes a soothing sound)
THEO
That's my cue. Fuck off Kent.
(Slams door shut.)
BOX
(Pop song in background)
THEO
(addressing his concerns)
I despise the human race
37.
MTAENY2020
I know dude me too.
At least the trash is out
Pig
Shut it judgey judgester
FINNIGAN (offstage)
Okay, it was nice to meet you.
THEO
Ah yes! Indeed! Bye-bye!
(addressing his concerns)

She was cute
Your mom is cute
That’s literally your own birth mother
Way to make it creepy
Well?
Yes she was perfectly delightful, but who cares Theo, my heart is taken
By a woman who left you
She’s just confused. Now shut the fuck up!
You're confused. Turd.
Nice.
BOX/MATTHIAS
38.
MTAENY2020
Good evening Acedians. Welcome to Sappy Tales for a Frozen Heart, I'm your host, Matty, coming to
you live from Billyburg. We begin this week’s program with some wedding news! Mrs and Mrs Rosie,
business tycoons, from Chicago Illinois celebrate their 60th anniversary by renewing their vows for the
10th time! An illegitimate marriage for 50 years, they see this as both a celebration of 50 years in
secret and 10 years out and proud! (Cheesy queer pop love jingle) Here’s the story in Rosie’s words
“She was my assistant, I know scandalous. We met in the late 50’s in the corporate world, it was a
rough time for me, lots of bad choices, but through it all she was there for me unconditionally. It wasn’t
easy keeping it secret but our love was again, unconditional. Who knows how many years we have left
but we are going to keep renewing our vows year after year because my wife has taught me to never
take anything for granted. Love is unconditional!”
THEO
Awwww!
BOX/MATTHIAS
Awwww! Sappity sap sap sap!
THEO
Right!
BOX/MATTHIAS
For our next caller we have a real frozen sapster and we are gonna help him get his wife back! Here’s
Theo from “ prefer not to disclose” okay then, wasn’t meant to read that part out loud! Oops! Take it
away Theo
BOX/THEO
Is this on? Bart shut up! Hello?
BOX/MATTHIAS
Hiya Theo Theo Galileo, how ya doing?
BOX/THEO
Hi. So I lost my apartment and my wife Katia left me.
THEO
THE FUCK!?!?!
BOX/MATTHIAS
Oh no, Theo! My man! You know everything happens for a reason. Don't let life drag you down.
There's a rainbow at the end of every storm!
BOX/THEO
(Robotically)
39.
MTAENY2020
I'm unemployed, divorced, living off my broke ass brother and sitting in a cabin alone in the woods, I
don't even like the woods, talking on the phone, I'm not even quite sure what is real.
BOX/MATTHIAS
Let's get that Sappy sapster buzzer a buzzing folks (obnoxious buzzer and theme song plays)
congratulations Theo you're our thousandth caller of the month! (More obnoxious cacophony plays
out)
THEO
Bejesus on high!
BOX/THEO
But I've lost everything.
BOX/MATTHIAS
No sir! You've just won a million dollars! (Fanfare)
THEO
Buddha on a stick! Slap me silly and call me Susie!
BOX/THEO
Can I ask a question?
BOX
Service interrupted. Recalibrating.
THEO
No no! No no! No! No!
(Shaking box)
Noooooooo!!! I'm going to die! Literally die!
BOX
Service resumed
Aaaaaah!
BOX/MATTHIAS
Well folks, that was something special huh? Another million dollar winner! (Pew pee pew sounds) Here
is the incredulous winner in his own words.
(Knock on the door)
FINNIGAN
Theo?
40.
MTAENY2020
BOX/THEO
(Acting a part)
I won't be relocated. I'll have money. And then I'll get my wife back.
BOX/MATTHIAS
Wow! Amazing! As for our listeners, don't you worry my frozen hearts! I got your 10 seconds of rage:
(Heavy metal song, Theo stares at the box in disbelief then starts dancing and singing along loudly)
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
(Another knock on the door)
FINNIGAN
Theo? I heard screaming. I know you said you do that but I don't know when it's normal or urgent yet,
soooo, everything okay?
THEO
(Rushes to open door)
I'm going to win a million dollars!
FINNIGAN
What! Omigod!
THEO
Right?!?
FINNIGAN
RIGHT!
THEO
RIGHT! Next week though!
FINNIGAN
Okay!
THEO
OKAY!
FINNIGAN
41.
MTAENY2020
Ok?
THEO
I get it now. My box isn't giving me personally curated content, it's telling me the mothafucking future!
FINNIGAN
Okay?
THEO
The box is magic! It broadcasts the future from that old radio. Listen
(Heavy metal plays)
THEO
Okay no, now it's just the outro. But I just heard me on the radio, in the future, win a million dollars
FINNIGAN
So you heard your self talking through your box
THEO
Yes
FINNIGAN
And that old radio is some sort of transmitter for your magic box I could hear the future on?
THEO
Yes
FINNIGAN
but now that I’m here, its over
THEO
Yes!
FINNIGAN
And I am to believe that that box just gave your future you a million dollars?
THEO
(Manic)
YES! That shit is amazing! Or possessed? What if it’s evil though?
FINNIGAN
42.
MTAENY2020
Theo, I’ve had a lot of disturbed in my life. I don't know if I can do this.
THEO
I'm not crazy
FINNIGAN
I never said you were
THEO
You said disturbed. It's kinda like the same thing.
FINNIGAN
Well, this is kind of disturbing
(Bart knocks)
BART
Bro bro bro broseph you know what they say!
THEO
BART! You sweet stunted gem of a man!
(Opens the door and hugs him to pieces)
I told you we were destined! I'm gonna get Katia back. The box just showed me the future and I am
gonna win a million dollars!
BART
Whaaaaaaa?!? Cool!
Pizza?
THEO
Cajun special?
BART
Duh
THEO
FUCK YEAH! (Trumpets) Finnigan, you'll love this!
(Blackout.)
43.
MTAENY2020
44.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 5- HOT
(7 days later. Finnigan is by the radio. Bart is holding an old video camera. Magda, Bart's date, is
meditating in the center of the room.)
FINNIGAN
This is soooo crazy
BART
Hush, you're ruining the procession. Ready Theo?
THEO
Boo-ya!
BART
Finnigan go go!
FINNIGAN
Oh right, that's my line. Ahem. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD BEHOLD. LORD THEO, KING OF wait
really? Lord Theo?
BART/THEO
Commit!
FINNIGAN
LORD THEO! KING OF THE BETAS, SOON TO BE MINTED MILLIONAIRE AND DEFENDER OF
LOVE! TRUMPETS BLARE, oh sorry, (makes trumpet sounds) TOO TO TO TOO TOO TOOOOO!
(Bart turns on music. It is a blaring operatic grandiose piece, similar to Carmina Burana. Theo gallantly
enters wearing a long, lavish, eloquent blue robe, a crown made of common house objects and
holding a mop with decorative golden tassels as a scepter.)
THEO
Plebes of the world, I salute you.
BART/FINNIGAN
All hail Theo!
THEO
I was once like you. Broken. Sad. Defeated. Hurting and unable to mend my broken heart. In a state
of, one might say, Acedia.
BART
(whispers)
Nice.
45.
MTAENY2020
THEO
(Whispers)
Just came to me. (Grand again) But fellow comisurates, fear no more for the box has spoken!
(Dramatically raises his little black box to the heavens.)
(They wait with anticipation. Nothing happens. Theo resets, then)
Fellow comisurates, fear no more for the box has spoken!
(They wait with anticipation. Nothing happens. Theo resets then)
Has spoken!
(Nothing)
Bart what time is it?
BART
4:47
THEO
Goddamn it, it's too early. Show doesn't start till 5pm.
BART
Oh. Sorry.
THEO
Dude, one job.
BART
It's always better to be early than late.
THEO
The whole thing is ruined now. Delete the video.
MAGDA
(A timeless psychic, sits on the floor cross legged, in trance)
Fear not for there is nothing to fear. Manifest your destiny. Let hope not eek out of your feeble heart.
THEO
Thanks Magda... the magnificent magpie, Magister of the mysterious and macabre.
MAGDA
I serve.
46.
MTAENY2020
BART
She's hot right?
FINNIGAN
Super cute.
THEO
So let's rehearse this again then. Bart sets up the camera. Finnigan introduces me and manages
Acedia. Bart cues the music. I enter. Then the box comes on.
MAGDA
You call in to the show.
THEO
I call in to the show.
MAGDA
And say exactly what you heard last time. If you change even one thing it could alter the very course
of your future.
THEO
Right, right, I have my script. Pretty amazing you could just wield the exact words from nowhere. They
sound just like what I heard.
MAGDA
I am a medium of great practice.
FINNIGAN
Why are we recording this again?
THEO
So I can show Katia when we are remarried how it all started.
FINNIGAN
This is more creepy than romantic
THEO
No judgement
BART
(Whispers to Finnigan)
Girl, he always judges.
FINNIGAN
47.
MTAENY2020
And why are we listening to the show in the future, err in real time, while calling in the show in real
time, err past time???
THEO
To prove we heard the future! Trust me, I got this. If we hear a different show than the one I'm live on
then clearly I'm not live on the air. Because I was live on the air last week. But it wasn't live for us. Now
it's live but not live.
FINNIGAN
Right. Right. Yeah I don't get it.
MAGDA
The box spans timelines.
BART
She's so smart.
MAGDA
What we hear on Acedia is a broadcast one week from today. It is simple. We get a glimpse of next
week's events. These frequencies are just ahead by one week.
BART
I am living my best life right now.
MAGDA
It could all be a glitch. That, or the gods are at play.
(Knock on door)
KILLIAN
Theo, the Board would like to discuss your letter.
THEO
Killian! Hahahahaha!
BART
Please don't tell me you already told him you are a millionaire when it hasn't already happened.
THEO
I couldn't help myself.
(Opens door)
Killian, my old friend, how nice of you to stop by.
KILLIAN
48.
MTAENY2020
Theo. Nice robe. Mr. Bart, pleasure as always. Ladies, pardon the intrusion.
FINNIGAN
Hello. I'm Finnigan.The groundskeeper.
KILLIAN
Charmed. Nice property you run here.
MAGDA
Magda the magnificent magpie, Magister of the mysterious and macabre.
KILLIAN
Pleasure, uh, Mrs. Macabre.
BART
One day I'll be Mister Macabre.
KILLIAN
Theo, while the offer to buy your apartment was always within your lease we already submitted you for
relocation.
FINNIGAN
Not with signed papers from the constituent though.
KILLIAN
Ms. Finnigan, I have no qualms with you.
THEO
She's right suit legs. I've already submitted the transfer agreement.
KILLIAN
Not to pry, but a man of your means surely has limitations.
THEO
Half a million dollars is all I need. And in a few moments I'll have twice that. So fuck a duck Killian. I
pay and sign on Friday. And next week Katia and I will be moving back in together.
KILLIAN
I did not realize you and Katia had patched things up, while that does somewhat ease your burden it
does not erase it.
FINNIGAN
Who he's with does not matter. Relocation rules are simple, agree to move in writing or pay the
property fee. Theo has not signed and he is paying the property fee.
49.
MTAENY2020
KILLIAN
I suppose congratulations are in order then. I was wrong to have doubted you... Mister Theo. Clearly
you're a man above your class. Perhaps the Board will be more open to you returning with Katia,
rather than the new partner she's been enamoured with.
THEO
Kent is a parasite. And I'm now Lord of plebes and King of the Betas. Walk with me Killian. As a new
owner I have some thoughts on management.
KILLIAN
We'd be happy to assess some options, Mister Theo, at the next board meeting.
THEO
(Guiding Killian out of the cabin)
I'm thinking no. I'm thinking we set some new guiding principles. As an owner I think I have more
weight than the renters.
KILLIAN
You do hold a veto, yes.
THEO
Rules are a bitch ain't they? That means I can veto you as board chair. Shame TurboGreen doesn't
pay you enough to live above your class.
KILLIAN
Mr. Theo. I believe we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.
THEO
Yeah, you know a wise man once said to me, actually he was a douche in a suit, but it stuck with me
anyway, "For the good of us all, get your fucking shit together and know your fucking place."
KILLIAN
Sir. Surely we can discuss our differences.
THEO
Mr. Killian, why don't you go recycle yourself. E-file today!
FINNIGAN/BART
E-FILE TODAY!
(Theo slams the door in Killian's face)
BART
Woot woot!
50.
MTAENY2020
(The "box" makes a soothing sound

A pop song begins)
BOX
(Pop song)
MAGDA
It's time! The stars are aligning!
BOX
THEO
BATTLE STATIONS! FINNIGAN RADIO! BART CAMERA! MAGDA, YOU DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU
DO! PLACES PEOPLE PLACES!
BOX
(Finnigan turns down the radio so it's barely audible. Bart begins to record. Theo exits.)
BART
Finnigan go!
FINNIGAN
PEOPLE OF THE WORLD BEHOLD. LORD THEO! KING OF THE BETAS, SOON TO BE MINTED
MILLIONAIRE AND DEFENDER OF LOVE! (makes trumpet sounds) TOO TO TO TOO TOO
TOOOOO!
(Bart turns on music. It is a blaring operatic grandiose piece, similar to Carmina Burana. Theo gallantly
enters.)
THEO
Plebes of the world, I salute you.
BART/FINNIGAN
All hail Theo!
THEO
51.
MTAENY2020
I was once like you. Broken. Sad. Defeated. Hurting and unable to mend my broken heart. In a state
of… Acedia! But fellow comisurates, fear no more for the box has spoken! (Dramatically raises his little
black box to the heavens. Finnigan turns up the volume as the intro song ends.)
BOX/MATTHIAS
(From radio)
Good evening Acedians! Welcome to Sappy Tales for a Frozen Heart this is your host Matty coming to
you live from Billyburg on what is a beautiful afternoon.
BART
(whispers)
Nailed it!
FINNIGAN
Fuck yeah!
BOX/MATTHIAS
Sapsters, we haven't had such nice weather in months! We want to start by congratulating last week's
sappy sapster winner. Theo! (Fanfare) That million buckaroos are now in your account, we wish you
the very best! And now, tonight, tonight we start with a classic. An old wedding song for ya! Enjoy the
sounds of Griefly's 5th movement "acceptance."
(Violin and cello suite begin to play lushious sounds.)
MAGDA
NOW! Call now. The future is ripe for your taking!
THEO
PLEBES! IT IS TIME! KATIA! This is for you!
(He dials. It rings a long time. We wait while Griefly plays over the radio.)
BART
Kind of anticlimactic, all this to be on hold?
MAGDA
Believe!
BART
I love it when you talk dirty.
PHONE/LENNY
Hi welcome to Acedia. Aaaah. This is Lenny. What can I help you with?
THEO
Greetings Lenny! I wish to address the box!
52.
MTAENY2020
PHONE/LENNY
Do you want to appear on one of our shows sir?
THEO
YES! AT ONCE! FOR KATIA.
PHONE/LENNY
K. Sure. Thanks for your interest in our programming. Please press one for Drink With Death, two for
The Four Caballeros, three for Weeding, though Reaper is not taking any calls this year, and four for
Sappy Tales for a Frozen Heart.
THEO
FOUR!
PHONE/LENNY
You need to press the button sir.
THEO
Ah yes, ummm (beeping) THERE! Four!
PHONE/LENNY
Thanks. Name?
THEO
THEO!
PHONE
Location?
THEO
I prefer not to disclose.
PHONE/LENNY
Cool. Reason for calling?
THEO
Huge fan! Plus I'm gonna get my wife back!
PHONE/LENNY
Great. Congrats. You've qualified for our acceptable caller list. My sister Penny will put you through.
Standby. Penny, yo Penny, PENNY, do your job. Please. Don't look at me like that. I'm on a call. Okay
sir, standby.
(Music plays. It's a cacophony between both live radio and phone call.)
53.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Should I take it off speaker?
BART
NO DUDE!
THEO
I'm gonna take it off speaker.
(He does)
BART
But then who suffers?
MAGDA
The people.
BART
Yes, the people suffer.
THEO
(Removes speaker phone.)
Fine. But just till I'm live.
PHONE/PENNY
Theo, hello, hi this is Penny, one second sir, Lenny shut up I got it. I got it. Fine so you're pissed, move
out then, no? Then shut up. Oh right cause it's that easy…
THEO
Hello?
PHONE/PENNY
Yes, hello, Theo, hello this is Penny one of the producers, Lenny I got it!
THEO
Hello?
PHONE/PENNY
Yes Theo, sorry, my slumbering giant of an idiot twin was just distracting me, apologies, Acedia thanks
you for your committed listening, you ready to be on the air?
THEO
I, uh, I, yes? YES
PHONE/LENNY
Co-dependent miserable fuck
54.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Sorry?
PHONE/PENNY
Sorry Theo my idiot brother FORGOT TO MUTE HIMSELF, and we're on in 5, 4,
THEO
WAIT! UGH. MY SCRIPT?
PHONE/PENNY
3, 2,
MAGDA
Scepter.
THEO
Yes! (He pulls out his script from the top of his mop)
PHONE/PENNY
1 and we are live!
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Quietly muddled coming from headpiece on phone.)
For our next caller we have a real frozen sapster and we are gonna help him get his wife back! Here’s
Theo from “ prefer not to disclose” okay then, wasn’t meant to read that part out loud! Oops! Take it
away Theo
THEO
Is this on?
BART
(Whisper)
Speaker phone!
THEO
Bart shut up! Hello?
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over phone)
Hiya Theo Theo Galileo, how ya doing?
THEO
Hi. So I lost my apartment and my wife Katia left me.
BOX/MATTHIAS
55.
MTAENY2020
(Over phone)
Oh no, Theo! My man! You know everything happens for a reason. Don't let life drag you down.
There's a rainbow at the end of every storm.
(Bart shakes impatiently. Theo makes a shushing gesture and puts the call on speaker.)
THEO
(Reading script)
I'm unemployed, divorced, living off my broke ass brother and sitting in a cabin alone in the woods, I
don't even like the woods, talking on the phone, I'm not even quite sure what is real.
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over phone)
Let's get that Sappy sapster buzzer a buzzing folks (obnoxious buzzer and theme song plays)
congratulations Theo you're our thousandth caller of the month! (More obnoxious cacophony plays
out)
THEO
But I've lost everything.
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over phone)
No sir! You've just won a million dollars! (Fanfare)
THEO
Can I ask a question?
BOX
(Over phone. Sudden change as Box intervenes)
Theo, we do not answer questions. You know this. If you wish to continue being a valued listener of
Acedia aaaaaah, you will respect our rules.
THEO
Oh this is new. It cut out last time
BOX
(Over phone)
May we continue?
THEO
Yes, sorry, yes.
BOX
(Over phone)
Stick to the script.
56.
MTAENY2020
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over phone)
Well folks, that was something special huh? Another million dollar winner! (Pew pee pew sounds) Here
is the incredulous winner in his own words.
THEO
(Acting a part)
I won't be relocated. I'll have money. And then I'll get my wife back. (Beat. Then envigoured and
improvised) And ONE MORE THING, Fuck you Kent! Fuck you you putrid plankton excuse of a man!
You're going down alpha bitch, the King of Betas has spoken!
MAGDA
(In pain)
What, what, what are you doing? I'm getting a vision.
BART
Dude we gotta stay on script.
FINNIGAN
What even is my life right now?
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over phone)
Wow! Amazing! And poor poor Kent, you got it coming. You FUCK! YOU FUCKS AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
We all have it coming, don't we Theo? All of us, hahahahaha!
MAGDA
Fuck they can hear us. The god's can hear us.
BOX
(Matthias and Box's voices fuse becoming one doubled terrifying voice that turns into the voices of 4
unique dark entities speaking in unison) Fool! You had everything you wanted coming your way. Good
bye feeble Theo. You'll lose everything now forever and if you try to get your wife back you will all die.
You greed. You weed. Scream your tiny screams, no one can save you now. (Static. Dial tone.)
BART
Uh?
FINNIGAN
That was terrifying.
MAGDA
(Visibly shaking)
You've rewritten the timeline.
THEO
57.
MTAENY2020
I just needed to bask in glory like a Baskings for one second.
MAGDA
You wanted everything and now you'll get nothing.
BART
Babe, that's a little harsh.
MAGDA
And you? The blind leading the blind.
BART
You're kind of not my type anymore.
FINNIGAN
Magda, what do we do?
BART
Rudeness is unsexy.
MAGDA
Nothing to do now. I see a dark future now. A grim future now. A dire end to mankind now.
BART
I don't think I actually like you, NOW.
MAGDA
You've moved us into a darker parallel timeline. You will not get your Katia back. She will choose Kent.
And if you try to stop it, in any way, shape or form, the world as we know it will end in flames and
anguish and death. So much death.
THEO
I just wanted a little joy.
MAGDA
Then buy yourself a beautiful pony, but don't change time with your vengeful obsessions.
THEO
Well, sorry.
MAGDA
I can't stay here anymore. I must depart.
BART
I'm not driving you. My red flags are on amber alert.
58.
MTAENY2020
FINNIGAN
That kind of doesn't make sense Bart.
MAGDA
No, I don't require your services. I shall not return to society. I advise you all to find shelter as far away
from here as possible. If Theo pursues this folly we shall perish. I shall head to the Mayan lands. None
of you will survive, perhaps you Bart. Perhaps you. Theo I don't have much faith in you...
THEO
Thanks, heard it, save it.
MAGDA
But I hope you do the right thing. Let Katia go. Or we shall all perish.
(She exits)
FINNIGAN
Well, she seems nice.
BART
I don't know, seems a little extra for me, I'm more of a get stoned and see where life takes you kind of
guy. Not a "flee to the Mayan lands or perish" type.
THEO
Box still on?
(Finnigan turns up the volume on the music)
FINNIGAN
Yeah still on cheesy classical.
THEO
Guys, it's all going to be okay. No one is getting fucked.
FINNIGAN
Fucking is overrated.
BART
(Whispers)
I like you, you're good for him you know.
FINNIGAN
(To Bart)
I like him. He's fun. Crazy, maybe, but fun.
59.
MTAENY2020
BOX/MATTHIAS
(Over radio)
My sappy sapsters, welcome back! We have some exciting wedding news for you. (Wedding fanfare)
But first let's take a moment to check in on the outside world. There's some reports of massive
wildfires spreading over large parts of the United States. Reasons unknown. The government assures
us that the recent nuclear alarms are not related. For all our listeners out there, we hope you stay safe!
(Angelic choir singing mass)
FINNIGAN
I'm starting to get genuinely freaked out
BART
What, now? After the gloom and doom lady told us we rewrote history?
FINNIGAN
She was your date!
THEO
Shhhh!
BOX/MATTHIAS
And now my Sappy Sapsters. Our latest wedding news (wedding fanfare) Congratulations to Kent and
Katia on their upcoming wedding this evening. Recently divorced from other partners they called
"more toxic than a nuclear wasteland," which is witty but not funny given today's news, haha!, they,
after just a few months dating, will celebrate their love tonight at a small but lavish ceremony at the
botanical gardens.
THEO
WHAAAAt?!?
BOX/MATTHIAS
Here is Kent, the proud groom, in his own words
BOX/KENT
(Laughing)
Well, I'm just fucking fantastic! Sometimes the wrong person comes along and you just go for it
because you think you can make it better. But let me tell you, it doesn't get better, it gets worse. And
worse. And worse. If you don't see the future the same way, it ends your world. What takes courage
though, is being able to walk away from that person, who is not right for you but through no fault of
their own, and being able to heal and open your heart again, to accept new love. Katia and I come
from brutal broken marriages but since we've met, everything just feels right. And we want the same
things. It's really perfect. With everything going on in the world, and our hearts and prayers go out to
those struggling right now, it is reaffirming that at least we have each other through it all. And that's
what life's about."
THEO
60.
MTAENY2020
WHAAAAT?!?
BART
Oh dude. Oh no.
BOX/MATTHIAS
Beautiful! And true wise words. Congratulations to Kent and Katia on their beautiful botanical gardens
wedding tonight.
THEO
WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?
BOX/MATTHIAS
Wait what? Hold on. Lenny, wait. What? Now? We are leaving now? What emergency broadcast?
Hold on. I'm on the fucking air, read the room Lenny. Give me a second. Penny wants to see me?
Sorry all, I am being called in by our shows producers (little diddy praising producers plays) in the
meantime, my frozen hearts, your moment of rage:
(Heavy metal song, Theo stares at the box horrified in disbelief)
(Finnigan turns off the radio)
THEO
Leave it on.
FINNIGAN
Theo
THEO
PLEASE!
(Radio resumes)
BOX
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
Die bitch die bitch
Diiiiiiiieeeeee!
(Sudden interruption. An announcer comes on the air)
61.
MTAENY2020
BOX/ANNOUNCER
Attention! We interrupt this program with an emergency broadcast. This is not a drill. This emergency
broadcast is proudly supported by:
LatinxDay! Porque aunque todos los dias deberíamos de celebrar a los Latines en nuestro pais, hoy,
hoy es un dia especial! LatinxDay! Nunca cambies.
Our emergency broadcast has been called by the authorities under code 872-AB-777. Here is what we
know. The end is here. We can confirm that evacuation is futile. The rest of the world is no longer in
contact. We fear our great nation is next. It is likely we will all soon explode. God bless you all. Good
night and good luck."
(Long static. Finnigan turns the radio off.)
THEO
(Removing his crown)
I don't want to play anymore.
BART
Play?
THEO
Please just leave.
FINNIGAN
Theo, I'm sorry. But just let her go, and then, we can all just keep playing.
THEO
(Ripping of his robes)
NO! GET OUT! JUST GET OUT!
(Blackout)
62.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 6- BOILING
(7 days later. A "garden." Theo in a suit, holding flowers, looking handsome but almost too groomed to
the point he looks a little manic and unhinged, is pacing back and forth, Kent approaches him)
KENT
Theo. Good afternoon. What are you doing here?
THEO
Hello KENT, just here to wish you congratulations on stealing my wife. I know you'll be very happy
together.
KENT
I think you should get out of here before Katia sees you.
THEO
But I brought these for her. It's her big day. I want it to be just perfect for her.
KENT
I don't know what you're up to but buddy...
THEO
I'm not your buddy
KENT
...You have 5 seconds to leave.
THEO
One
KENT
(Takes off his tuxedo jacket)
I'm not kidding
THEO
Two
KENT
Theo, you've making me do this
THEO
Ooo how manly of you, is your brute man force what drove her into your big man arms?
63.
MTAENY2020
KENT
I don't want to do this
THEO
Three, four, five!
KENT
Okay
(He lunges forward, Katia enters, she is glowing in her wedding gown)
KATIA
There's no need honey. We will be just a moment.
THEO
Haha! You see, all is well KENT. Shuffle along now brute. Shoo shoo
KENT
You'll be okay?
KATIA
I know how to handle him when he's like this
KENT
Okay, call me if you need me.
KATIA
I won't but thank you.
(Kent turns to leave)
THEO
Bye BUDDY, happy wedding day to you. Much love on this magical day
KENT
This is why she left you
(He leaves)
THEO
Oooo check out big man KENT. So charming.
KATIA
Theo
64.
MTAENY2020
THEO
I can see the raw passion he embodies. How attractive, how animal… Grrrr
KATIA
Theo
THEO
Bet you he can go for hours
KATIA
Actually the sex is not that great, you were better
THEO
I did not expect that.
KATIA
Come sit down
(Theo sits with her on a bench)
THEO
I brought you these, I know it's pretty pathetic. I mean getting married at the botanical gardens. You
have plenty of flowers. It's stupid.
KATIA
It's sweet. You know you shouldn't be here.
THEO
Oh am I early? I must have not seen the time in the invitation
KATIA
How did you find out about this?
THEO
I heard Kent brag about it on a program I listen to every Monday that tells me the future
KATIA
Okay. I see where we’re at. You’re in your manic place. Theo whatever you need to say, just say it, but
be kind, this is an important day for me, I'd rather not cry
THEO
When have I ever made you cry? You're not even a cryier
65.
MTAENY2020
KATIA
Theo
THEO
Yes honey?
KATIA
Please don't call me that
THEO
Right, that's big boy Kent's word now. Sorry, habit
KATIA
What's going on?
THEO
This was so much better in my head. It was elegant and gracious and sweeping. I really thought I
would just swoop...
(She puts her hand on his, the touch of her freezes him instantly)
Oh wow, that's what that feels like. I'd forgotten
KATIA
Talk to me
THEO
I'm not trying to ruin your wedding day
KATIA
Aren't you?
THEO
Of course I am.
KATIA
It's too late
THEO
You always say that
KATIA
Tell me what you want to say, I know you, I'm sure it's been rehearsed a million times
66.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Well, I was going to show up, all gallantly, and you would see me through the window and you'd gasp
because I'm so tremendously handsome
KATIA
You do look good. Tired, a little sweaty, but you do look good, your hair is nice like this
THEO
You always wanted me to part it to the side
KATIA
So I'm looking at you through the window
THEO
And you're instantly smitten, and you think to yourself "my God what have I done, look at that splendid
man"
KATIA
And I rush out with open arms
THEO
No, you wave and do that half smile when you're pissed off but amused and can't help being tickled by
my stupidity
KATIA
Then what
THEO
I wave back and I drop these flowers on the bench for you and blow you a kiss
KATIA
And do I send you one back?
THEO
No, you nod and close your eyes for just a moment and exhale and when you open them I'm walking
away
KATIA
And I just watch you peacefully from the window and whisper goodbye.
THEO
67.
MTAENY2020
No, you tear off your veil and you run out and you scream "Theo!" And before I can turn around you
spin me and kiss me deeply and say "you will always be my person"
(Katia closes her eyes and exhales)
THEO
Of course then we are in a cheap motel doing the doo in your wedding dress. It's awesome. You
scream a lot.
KATIA
Theo
THEO
I know. It's stupid
KATIA
It's not.
THEO
Run away with me. We'll get on the first flight to Chile.
KATIA
Not today
THEO
Ah of course, too sudden. You gotta pack. How's Tomorrow? I'll pick you up at 9am
KATIA
Not tomorrow
THEO
Got it. Got it. Next week then, tell me what day works for you, my Wednesday is super clear right now
KATIA
Not next week
THEO
You never say no
KATIA
I thought I just did
THEO
68.
MTAENY2020
No, you say "not today," you don't just say "no"
KATIA
I don't know what you want from me
THEO
Tell me it's over
KATIA
I will always love you, in my own way
THEO
We had so much fun
KATIA
I don't regret a single day with you
THEO
What happened?
KATIA
I needed to be present, just here, today, and you loved living in hypothetical futures, it was always a
dream Theo. We always lived in your dream of what we could be, you never just let us be what we
are.
(They sit quietly)
THEO
I have to confess something
KATIA
Be kind
THEO
I really hate tennis.
KATIA
I know
THEO
You do?
KATIA
I always knew
69.
MTAENY2020
(They laugh loudly, deeply, this is a moment of true deep connection, of acceptance, of connection and
newfound honesty, an inside joke we as the audience don't get but appreciate how much it moves
them. They look into each other. He smiles. He loves her. She gives in to the moment. Briefly. She
then closes the moment. Exhales. Closes her eyes and pulls her gaze away from him. They are quiet.)
THEO
You know you don't love him, right, hes just a phase
KATIA
I'm getting married today Theo
THEO
Oh we are? What time? Let me call my brother, he'd hate to miss it.
KATIA
Stop. I love you, but I think you need to go
THEO
Sure you don't want me at the reception? I'm a great dancer and your grandmother loves me
KATIA
Bye Theo
(She gets up and starts to walk away. He watches her go at first then he rushes to her and takes her
hand)
THEO
You'll always be my person. And my person deserves to be happy.
KATIA
Thank you. I know this is hard. Thank you.
THEO
Call me when it's over
KATIA
(Laughs)
I will
THEO
Great, see ya next week!
(He turns to leave, she turns him around and kisses him lightly on the cheek)
70.
MTAENY2020
KATIA
I can't be with you, but you will always, always, be my person.
THEO
You're horrible
KATIA
I know, we both are
THEO
I'm sorry I didn't fight for us.
KATIA
I know
(She turns around and swiftly begins to leave. Theo stands there shaken, overwhelmed.)
KATIA
Kent, let's do this!
KENT
(VO)
Booyah!
THEO
(Addressing his concerns)
No that's not right
You've tried it a million times.
What if she turns to kiss me, and this time instead of on the cheek it's on the lips.
She'd never do that, douche, it's her wedding day
She already told me she loves me
Yes but lips? It's too much. It's never gonna go like you planned
Shut up Debbie downer. What if I call out to her at the end, tell her it's all going to end soon? I can
convince her.
You're an idiot, also Kent would never say Booyah! He's too dreamy.
71.
MTAENY2020
Down Debbie! Down!
Okay.
Yes yes yes, let's try this again.
(Katia comes back to him. Methodically like an actor resetting a scene. They are quiet for a moment.)
THEO
You know you don't love him, right, he's a phase
Katia
I'm getting married today Theo
THEO
Oh we are? What time? Let me call my brother, he'd hate to miss it.
Katia
Stop. I love you, but I think you need to go
THEO
Sure you don't want me at the reception? I'm a great dancer and your grandmother loves me
Katia
Bye Theo
(She gets up and starts to walk away. He watches her go at first then he calls out)
THEO
I think the world is going to end tonight.
KATIA
Not my world, Theo.
THEO
Let me clarify, I know the world is going to end tonight.
KATIA
And how do you know that?
THEO
I'm serious. What if tonight is our last night on earth?
KATIA
72.
MTAENY2020
Theo, I love you and I know you're hurting, a lot, but this, this has to stop.
THEO
I know it sounds completely insane, but I just know that everything we know ends tonight. I have to
spend the last few hours we have on this earth with my person.
KATIA
Theo, you will always be my person but you need to let me go.
(Finnigan enters)
THEO
No no, not know.
FINNIGAN
Theo, maybe you could just stay here? I got room in my little shack. I think you're lovely company.
You're fun.
THEO
You aren't supposed to be here.
(Addressing his concerns)

Told you it wasn't going to work
Fuck off already! Give me one goddamn minute. One more try.
(He turns back to Katia)

Katia, look, we've been through so much. Give me one more day with you, just one more day and I
can make it alright. Before our world, the world, ends. I can fix this.
KATIA
Theo, it's my wedding day.
THEO
Run away with me.
FINNIGAN
Let her go. Stay.
(A loud knock on the door.)
THEO
...Run away with me
73.
MTAENY2020
(Blackout)
74.
MTAENY2020
SCENE 7- STEAM
(7 seconds later. A loud knock on the door. Lights glare. Theo is sitting on the floor holding flowers
with his hair parted and in his suit. He is alone, like always, in the cabin.)
THEO
...No..
(Knock again)
THEO
No
(Banging on the door)
THEO
No
(Louder banging)
THEO
Just let me die.
BART
(offstage)
Theo. Open up please.
THEO
Just let me die in peace
BART
(offstage)
Come on now. We don't have a lot of time.
THEO
Leave me I am lost.
BART
Are you on the floor?
THEO
Yeah, with the roaches and mice, with the trash, where I belong.
BART
Carl said you've been wearing Katia’s dress
75.
MTAENY2020
THEO
No.
BART
Theo.
THEO
You are so demanding
BART
Come on. Did you eat today? I have some snacks.
THEO
Is it the cajun special?
BART
What?
THEO
Oh, of course, you don't even know. I guess you do, in fact, hate me.
BART
Carl called. You gotta go. Come on. Like the doctor said, just one leg in front of the other.
THEO
No
BART
Just one leg, in front of the other.
THEO
Everything hurts. She took my nervous system.
BART
Theo. Stop.
THEO
I hate you.
BART
Fine, just open the door.
THEO
I’m dying.
76.
MTAENY2020
BART
Theo. Theo. Theo. Theo.
(He continues to call his name while knocking on the door. Theo walks to the door, he opens it. Bart
enters. In a suit, very well groomed, smoking a pipe, he looks successful, calm, together.)
BART
It's been some time.
THEO
Welcome to rock bottom manor.
BART
You feeling any better?
THEO
Do I look better? When was the last time you even knew what I looked like.
BART
We invited you over for Christmas many times.
THEO
Your wife hates me
BART
Magda is complicated.
THEO
People say she looks like Katia.
BART
I guess we share a type. Cannabis?
THEO
No thanks.
BART
It helps.
THEO
Nothing helps. What can I do you for?
BART
You clear your mind a bit? You look, uh, okay.
77.
MTAENY2020
THEO
And you look fucking fantastic don't ya? My my, why my eyes deceive me. You used to be such a slob.
Now here's Mr. Bart, the stoner turned magnate, all polished and shit.
BART
The cannabis business has been good. I don't know if you knew this but people tend to self medicate
when the world is on fire.
THEO
Gotta be nice to make money out of misery.
BART
It pays the bills. And yours.
THEO
Right.
BART
Carl called.
THEO
Fuck Carl.
BART
Right, I can't bribe him any more. We agreed to a month. It's been 7 weeks.
THEO
Sorry I'm such a burden
BART
It's not the money, obviously. The family who owns the house, they are coming back tonight. It's their
annual Autumn anal…
THEO
Annual Autumn anal dinner family gathering thing.
BART
How do you know that?
THEO
I hear things.
BART
Well, Carl needs you to go. He's done me a solid but there's no price tag anymore. He says you don't
answer the door. You don't pick up the phone. That you just throw all the trash out on to the garden.
You scream a lot.
78.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Finnigan says I'm lovely company and welcome to stay as long as I want.
BART
Who's Finnigan?
THEO
Oh, right.
BART
You okay?
THEO
No.
BART
I'm sorry, but we really have to go.
THEO
Well, it just so happens I was getting ready to leave anyway, Mister Bart.
BART
Oh really
THEO
Am I not all dressed up?
BART
And why are you all dressed up?
THEO
I'm going to get my wife back.
BART
Theo, Katia's gone. Was this all for nothing?
THEO
She is getting married today.
BART
Is she? How do you even know that?
THEO
I hear things.
79.
MTAENY2020
BART
Right. Theo, look, I know we haven't been close for a long time. I'm trying to do the right thing. I...
THEO
Your charity has been immeasurable.
BART
I know the divorce was hard, losing your job, and then the eviction, the co-op was cruel, Katia is
perpetually cruel, and I've been trying to help as much as I can...
THEO
By keeping me fed at an arm's length? You really cared didn't you? Came on over to check in on me
so so very often.
BART
It's a 6 hour drive up here.
THEO
You used to be my best friend, man. My big brother. You were the world to me. Are? Were? Are/were?
BART
You pushed me away. You pushed all of us away.
THEO
(He addresses himself with concern, he addresses his concern.)
See that, dick bag, he hates you.
Maybe if you didn't make me so fucking hateable
BART
Still talking to yourself?
THEO
No one else talks to me so why not?
(Silence. Bart grabs a beautifully decorated joint case from his pocket and leaves it on the table. He
takes out a business card and scribbles something on it. He places it on the case.)
THEO
What's that?
BART
A preemptive thank you for Carl. For cleaning up the, uh, well the mess. You have some nice reflection
time up here?
80.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Oh I've been living my very own Kafkaesque Don Quixote meets The Alchemist life.
BART
Grab your things.
THEO
I'm ready. They're over there.
BART
I'll load these in the car.
THEO
How manly of you.
(He grabs a box of wedding memorabilia and exits.)
(Theo stares at himself in the mirror in silence.)
BART
(offstage, sounding like the jovial Bart we saw before)
Yo my manster! I still don't understand why you brought all this shit. I remember when I drove yo ass
here, that was a wicked road trip, I was like swerving through racoons and shit and you were putting
on Katia's makeup. Hahaha!
THEO
(To himself)
Fuck you.
BART
(offstage then entering)
Theo, I just don't understand why you brought all this stuff. The driver called me after he dropped you
off. He said he hit a raccoon and then you had some sort of breakdown? Told me you started putting
on Katia's makeup in the car.
THEO
Sure was. It's called finding closure.
BART
This yours?
THEO
The briefcase? Doesn't it have a tag?
BART
Yeah it says to Elio from Lucine.
81.
MTAENY2020
THEO
Do I look like guy named fucking Elio to you?
BART
Okay then. The TV?
THEO
It's temporarily unavailable on account of my putting my foot through it.
BART
I see.
THEO
Wasn't mine anyway.
BART
Ugh Fuck a duck.
THEO
Did you know they have curly shaped penises?
BART
I'll pretend that's an apology.
(Bart exits to pack the car. Finnigan enters)
FINNIGAN
Theo. Stay.
THEO
Sorry, I have to get her back.
FINNIGAN
Don't go. There's another way. We can heal each other.
THEO
You're not real.
FINNIGAN
Does it matter? These last few days...
THEO
Have been the best of my life.
82.
MTAENY2020
FINNIGAN
Stay with me. We've had so much fun.
THEO
You're not my person.
(Bart enters)
BART
Cars packed. Happy belated by the way
THEO
Thanks
BART
I called but you didn't answer.
THEO
I was busy.
BART
Right, that old radio yours?
THEO
That, no, I found it here.
BART
Does it work?
THEO
It tells me the future.
BART
Right.
THEO
It does. Bart, come with me?
BART
Where?
THEO
To Katia's wedding. Please.
83.
MTAENY2020
BART
No, Theo, the world out there, it's getting worse, Magda and I, we're leaving the city, tonight, flying to
the Mayan peninsula. You know, with grandpa's recent inheritance, missed you at the funeral by the
way, well, we bought a little jungle cabin out there. One of the last places left in peace.
THEO
That's lovely.
BART
What are you gonna do with your million?
THEO
Get my wife back.
BART
Your apartment?
THEO
Gone. I've been relocated. Some guy named Killian, the co-op board chair, sent me a letter. After 15
years they didn't even bother to tell me in person.
BART
Gonna get it back? With that million you could probably buy it.
THEO
Why bother?
BART
Where are you gonna live?
THEO
With Katia. Somewhere. Anywhere.
BART
I see. Look, I know we aren't that close anymore and Magda might hate me for it but, just come with
us. Let's escape this whole thing. It's going to get bad, I just have a feeling it will, people out there are
losing their shit. Let's find some peace. You got some cash now. Let's have some fun. Like old times.
THEO
I have to get my person back
FINNIGAN
You and your person, just let it go
84.
MTAENY2020
THEO
(Shouting in frustration)
Please stop! Just go away!
FINNIGAN
Okay Theo. Okay. I'm just made up anyway.
BART
Wow. Okay.
THEO
Can you drop me off at the Botanical gardens? I'm going to save Katia.
BART
Theo I think this is a bad idea.
THEO
Thanks. Take me there or chain me down, otherwise I am walking there if I have to.
(Katia enters, he looks at her)
I am going to get my person back.
KATIA
I'm waiting for you Theo. Just fight for us.
(Killian and Kent enter)
KILLIAN
Godspeed you virile romantic. Victory is at hand… Mister Theo. Sir!
KENT
You go kick my fine dumb ass brother. I deserve it and you deserve her. And hey, sorry I called you
"buddy."
You're a king.
KILLIAN/KENT/KATIA
(Raising a glass)
TO THE KING OF BETAS
MAGDA
(Ethereal voice over)
Manifest your destiny.
FINNIGAN
I hope you find what you're looking for.
85.
MTAENY2020
THEO
I will.
BART
Okay. Come on man. We'll talk about it in the car. (He puts his arm on Theo, affectionately but
surprising.) I'm sorry you're hurting. Just know, if you break up Katia's wedding... It'll be the end of the
world.
THEO
I know… I know.
(Bart and Theo leave as the others fade away. Spotlight on the radio.)
BOX
"Aaaaaah"
(V.O. emergency broadcaster)
Attention, this is a prerecorded message, all systems offline, no live transmissions, nowhere is safe,
find shelter, find shelter, find shelter, find shelter, find shelter… static......aaaaaaaaah"
(Blackout. End of play.)
86.
MTAENY2019
Fish Food For Feelings

Part 2 of Tempora: Fall
Description:
A "play" … with music. A troubled man, Terran Clay, in a dysfunctional family, sobers to the fact that he
has too many fucking feelings… all the fucking time. A successful surgical procedure proposed by a
disgraced psychotherapist detaches said feelings, turning them into a living entity self-named Sensum
that speaks only in song and that Terran can choose to either acknowledge or simply mute.
A dinner, two years after the death of his parents, proves to be Terran's greatest challenge as his
psychotherapist, Dr. Feels, suddenly arrives and introduces Sensum to Terran’s unstable three
siblings, Solana Sky, Maris Arroyo and Blaise Agni. As the world burns around them they seek to
reconcile repressions from their past. Perhaps now, with Sensum and pespective, they can all just
simply get the fuck along.
A surrealist dueling sibling dramedy based on the four elements; forty eight hours before the
apocalypse.
Blurb:
4 adopted siblings meet at an abandoned cabin on the 2nd anniversary of their parents death. The
middle child has recently undergone a procedure to have his feelings removed. As the siblings
struggle to reconcile their differences his psychotherapist shows up in the middle of the night along
with an eccentric singer who claims to be the physical manifestation of that man's removed feelings. A
surrealist dueling sibling dramedy based on the four elements; forty eight hours before the apocalypse
Characters:
1. Solana Sky- an airy peacekeeper, star child of the family and exhausting empath, 1st child to
Elio and Lucine
2. Terran Clay- an earthy man who deeply struggles with his feelings, 2nd child to Elio and
Lucine
3. Maris Arroyo- a watery, emotional depressive whose only satisfaction is to rain on other's
parade, 3rd child to Elio and Lucine
4. Blaise Agni- a fiery, loud, brash, outspoken and rebellious tour du force, 4th child to Elio and
Lucine
5. Dr. Jake Feels- an eccentric psychotherapist who lost his license and experiments on the
emotionally disturbed, married to Solana Sky
6. Sensum- the physical manifestation of Terran Clay's feelings, speaks only in song
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MTAENY2019
Setting:
A family dinner in an abandoned cottage in the woods.
Time:
Sometime in the future, two years after Elio and Lucine’s death, 48 hours before the Apocalypse.
Lighting:
The show is to be eerily dimly lit by candlelight
Soundscape:
Wind rustling through cold dark woods and the sounds of a nearby waterfall mixed with the howls of
night creatures. As the play builds the woods will set on fire, which we will hear in line with Blaise's
arc.
Set:
A dinner table and 4 chairs, a small stool and an old armchair, all weathered and decayed
Fish Food For Feelings 1

Part 1- Tremors- coat check 3
Part 2- Tsunami- cocktails 20
Part 3: Volcano- dinner 33
Part 4: Hurricane- digestive 48
Part 5: Firestorm- the check 55
Creatives
Developed by Mind the Art Entertainment; script by Christian De Gré Cárdenas; additional lyrics by
Joseph Reese Anderson; directed by Brian Freeland; dramaturgical support by Ariana Paganetti;
original cast at FRIGIDNY in March 2020 featured R. Patrick Alberty, Justin Anselmi, Charly Dannis,
Bethany Geraghty, Charlie Tingen and Tony Mowatt.
2
MTAENY2019
Part 1- Tremors- coat check

(A doctor’s office. Terran and Dr. Feels are sitting, facing each other.. Sensum, standing next to Terran
with a guitar sings “tremors.”)
Sensum
I never had a wife to leave me
Never broke the bank
Though I’ve always felt unwanted
For that I've got my folks to thank
I've never had a breakdown
I've never even cried
No, I've never shown a single soul
What I feel inside
Sometimes the ground

Would start to shake, the ground would shake
The rocks would fall
And mud would start to slide
That's when the ground
Would start to shake, the ground would shake
And I would try to find
Some place to hide
When I think of my parents

I don't think of how they died
If you ask me if I hate myself
I thought that was implied
An emotional capacity
Of a moldy lemon cake
I can't deal with how I feel
When my layers start to peel
And that is when the ground,
Begins to shake, begins to shake
The fractured fissures forming
Around me are hard to take
Yes, that’s when the ground will shake,
The ground will shake, the ground will shake
And everything I've ever ever done
Was a mistake
You'd think the Earth was big enough to never break

But every now and then, the ground will shake.
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MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
Very good Terran, progress! This is fucking fantastic. Same time next week.
(Dr. Feels and Sensum exit. 48 days later, a dilapidated cabin in the woods.. Terran, still seated at the
table is twirling a dead white rose from his mother's grave. Solana is fanning herself with a handfan
while looking out the window. Blaise lights a match then lights a candle. A phone rings, Solana picks it
up and quickly hangs up.)
Blaise
I wish you had been smothered as a baby
Solana
Blaise
Blaise
By mom, she should have just put a pillow on your fat baby head and sat on it
Solana
Please
Blaise
Should have farted on it too, so your last breath was the inhalation of that shitsmell that often spews
from that orifice in the center of what you call face
Terran
Nice to see you too sis.
Blaise
Do you smell that? What is that? Is it shit? Yup! It's just shitspeak in the air
Terran
I'm gonna smoke
Solana
Outside please
Blaise
Aaand for our next course: Shit! Smoke infused! With a hint of unworthy worthlessness.
(Terran exits)
Solana
Why do you have to be so hostile?
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MTAENY2019
Blaise
I'm not hostile. I'm honest.
(Maris enters holding glasses and a pitcher of water)
Maris
You've gained weight
Blaise
Fuck you pencil dick
Maris
Just being honest.
Solana
Y'all go get ready, he'll be here soon
Blaise
Are you changing?
Solana
I already did
Maris
Really? Ouch
Blaise
Oof, that sucks
Solana
Could we possibly try to act like a family tonight?
Blaise
I'm sorry we're not perfect,
Maris
Never married the perfect doctor,
Blaise
Who is not so perfect,
Maris
Cause he diddled with his patients.
5
MTAENY2019
Solana
Leave Jake out of it.
Blaise
You mean Dr. Diddly?
Solana
Again, it's Feels. Dr. Feels.
Maris
Cause he feels them feels!
Solana
What's wrong with you?
Maris
Mostly everything
Blaise
She's no fun
Maris
Well, we can't all be fire demons
Blaise
Wanna put my fire out baby?
Maris
Are you hitting on me?
Blaise
What if I was, check that last box off of things our family's not fucked with yet.
Solana
My dearest little turd bunnies, y'all promised to be civil tonight unlike last year's reenactment of Lord of
the Flies.
Maris
Beloved elder child, you got it. I fully understand.
Blaise
I see you Solana. You are heard.
6
MTAENY2019
Maris
And appreciated.
Blaise
And loved.
Maris
And deeply respected.
Blaise
Wanna fuck?
Solana
Hate you both.
(Terran enters)
Terran, change, Jake is on his way
Terran
Yes, of course. I'll be right up.
(Solana Exits)
Maris
Sup bro? Still sober?
Terran
Yes. You?
Maris
At this particular moment, yes, sadly.
Blaise
Want some coke?
Maris
Blaise, don't be middle class. One only powders after midnight.
Terran
Okay, so, hey, ummm, listen, there's something I've been wanting to tell you, I've been seeing this
doctor and...
Blaise
You're gay! Hooray! I always knew it was genetic.
7
MTAENY2019
Terran
I had a procedure.
Maris
Beloved brother, vasectomy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Terran
No.
Blaise
Terran’s pee pee sack is no more
Terran
I had a procedure and I can no longer feel anything
Blaise
Soooo, nothing's changed
Maris
Fucking love you, hey sis, you funny.
Blaise
Adopted sis
Maris
No shit!
Terran
Dr. Feels really helped me
Blaise
Did he finger your butthole?
Maris
Then stick it in your mouth?
Terran
He removed my feelings.
Blaise
Maris, remember when you were nothing but a depressant?
8
MTAENY2019
Maris
I did try to kill myself
Blaise
Twice
Maris
Twice you knew, but surprise, it was 5 times!
Blaise
Whaaaaaa? High five brah!
Maris
5 for 5!
Terran
No, I can't feel anymore
Maris
Join my divorcé’s gin and prozac club
Terran
He is a wonderful doctor.
Blaise
Solana come hither! Terran is saying nice shit about diddles!
Terran
I'm serious
Maris
You're always dreadfully serious
Terran
It was very weird but, yeah, he just, just removed my feelings. All of them.
Blaise
Was this before or after you killed our parents?
Terran
I didn't kill our parents. And it was long after. Weeks ago.
Maris
Cough cough...Sorry, I appear to be drowning in your muted sadness
9
MTAENY2019
Terran
It's really helped me. I hope you will consider it.
Blaise
What? Being grounded in self pity? No thanks brah.
Solana
(Enters)
Jake is almost here. Blaise, Maris, please for the love of God on a Sunday morning, go change.
Maris
You biblical bitty, I shan't disappoint the good doctor!
Blaine
I wish I had a doctor fuckbuddy
Maris
What about Elaine?
Blaine
She sucked.
Maris
Still a doctor
Blaine
If “doctor” sucks at knowing the basics of anatomical pleasure then said “doctor” forfeits said's titleship
Solana
CHANGE!
Maris
Come on love, let's change before Solana’s eyes do that weird bulging thing where she looks like
she's pooping herself.
(Blaise and Maris exit)
Terran
Those two never change
Solana
They make me want to eat my own face.
10
MTAENY2019
Terran
They mean well
Solana
You've always been too nice
Terran
I told them
Solana
And?
Terran
I don't think they understood
Solana
Are you scared?
Terran
I don't think so.
Solana
You're brave
Terran
I had to.
Solana
Sweet Terran, I get this is something you felt you had to do, but those two anarchist Muppets in human
form are different, they've never been the most empathetic.
Terran
They're family, they'll understand.
Solana
I love you, you stupid tree
Terran
I love you too.
Solana
Now go get ready and then we'll have a nice dinner, like old times.
11
MTAENY2019
Terran
Like old times. Okay. Back soon. Hey, thank you.
(Terran kisses her cheek and leaves)
Solana
(She fans herself with a handfan)
Fuck.
(There's banging on the door)
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I fucked up!
(Solana gets the door, Dr. Feels enters)
Dr. Feels
Oh, I fucked up, baby!
Fucked right up!
Solana
Hi. Hey. Whoa. What's wrong?
Dr. Feels
He's fucking insane. He just does what he wants. We saw a fucking squirrel and he sang it a goddamn
love song, we missed our train. He then saw some fucking douchebag bro in a white t and he almost
beat him to death with his guitar case while singing “Shame! Shame! Shame!”
Solana
Where is he?
Dr. Feels
Fucking serenading the cab driver cause he liked his hair.
Solana
Jesus
Dr. Feels
Fuck! Do they know yet?
Solana
Kind of?
12
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
Did Terran explain the fucking protocol?
Solana
I don't think he got that far. They're a little… uh... volatile, this dinner is always hard for them.
Dr. Feels
FUCK! I told him he needed to explain the fucking protocol or it will be a shock! Oh fuck, this is a
fucking fuckity fuck fuck FUCKED up mistake.
Solana
Believe it or not, we've been through worse
Dr. Feels
I should leave. We should leave. I've worked way too fucking hard!
Solana
Hey. Stop. I love you. You're brilliant. This was the right thing to do. Terran was under so much pain.
It's gonna be okay.
Dr. Feels
Okay. FUCK! I'm gonna go grab Sensum. That's what he's fucking named himself by the way.
Apparently it's Latin for feeling. He has a whole fucking song about discovering his namesake. It has
48 verses. Anyway I'll take Sensum for a walk. Fucking prep him.
Solana
Random question, how’d you get past the gate?
Dr. Feels
The groundskeeper.
Solana
Carl? He’s not supposed to do that without calling first.
Dr. Feels
He said you don’t pick up the phone.
Solana
He just calls a lot
Dr. Feels
I'll be back in a few minutes. Terran needs to follow protocol. Fucking protocol!
13
MTAENY2019
Solana
I don't know what that means.
Dr. Feels
Terran fucking knows! Fuuuuuck!!! Okay, not yelling. No yelling. No yelling. Just passionate. I love you,
you're my favorite, you look lovely, this is for you, it's apple cobbler, I'll be back.
(He gives her a pie and exits, Maris has been watching, he approaches)
Maris
That was fun.
Solana
I need your help
Maris
Clearly
Solana
I need you to be open minded and I need you to help with Blaise, you're the only one she listens to.
Maris
I wish that were true
Solana
I need you.
Maris
You know, that is a challenging concept for me. I believe I needed you once, twice actually, and you
were where? In the Caribbean getting over your eviscerated womb via rum punch
Solana
I had a late miscarriage.
Maris
Fancy words for an abortion.
Solana
I didn't want that. You know that.
Maris
Sweet sister, I was hanging from the neck in an empty hotel room and you didn't even pick up the
phone. You were busy, distraught, occupied, rum punchy.
14
MTAENY2019
Solana
You know Terran still blames himself for what happened with mom and dad and he's done the only
thing he could think of to get through it. He needs you. I need you.
Maris
Ugh such selective processing. But that's you. Your pain has always been so very logical, so
unselfishly all important. Solana, you live in the eye of your very own hurricane.
Solana
Please
Maris
What's in it for me?
Solana
The love of your big sister
Maris
Meh, we're adopted, plus isn't that supposed to be unconditional?
Solana
No, Maris, loving you has always been a difficult choice.
Maris
Damn. Feel that breeze. I shudder. Brrrr. Okay. Okay. I got you. I can't promise Blaise will be as
understanding of whatever y'all are in but I'll certainly try.
Solana
Thank you.
Maris
BLAISE! No matter how much makeup you put on you'll still look like melted butter!
Blaise
(Offstage)
Don't worry I saved some cover-up for your noose bruise!
Maris
Get down here succubus! It's gin o'clock!
Solana
Can we not drink for just one night?
15
MTAENY2019
Maris
No. Sobriety makes me sad. And we can't have sad Maris because you want helpful Maris. Can't have
it all hamster cheeks.
Blaise
(Enters)
You called?
(Maris sees her outfit and bursts out laughing)
Solana
No, no, no, Blaise?
Maris
You look hot sis
Blaise
You hitting on me?
Maris
You know, in those fishnet stockings and with just enough gin in me...
Blaise
(Lights cigarette)
Oh yeah?
Solana
Don't smoke inside
Maris
I warn you though, I'm super into pegging.
Blaise
(Smokes)
I got strapons.
Solana
Fucknuggets, it's a goddamn death anniversary dinner.
Blaise
Solana, Mom's gone, I don't need you to become the disapproving one
Solana
I don't wanna fight, just please change
(Takes her cigarette and puts it out)
16
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Everyone mourns in their own way. Leave me alone.
(Gets out another cigarette)
Solana
Please.
Blaise
Maybe I'll just fucking leave then.
Maris
(Takes her cigarette)
Blaise, darling, you look stunning, and I'd love for you to stay as my personal date. You're a goddess.
Let me get you a drink. Solana, chill out.
(He leaves)
Solana
Fine. Dress like a needled goth child at prom, I don't care, just please take it easy on Terran.
(A loud bang is heard outside)
Blaise
The fuck was that?
Solana
It's Jake
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Blaise
Ooo Dr. Diddles is here. Are your netherbits tingling yet?
Sensum
(offstage, sung)
Oh Moon, blue melancholy!
Dr. Feels
Shut the fuck up!
Blaise
Ummmm, okay.
17
MTAENY2019
Solana
We have a guest
Blaise
Apparently.
Solana
Terran had a procedure
Blaise
He said so, like some sort of reverse conversion therapy. That his boyfriend?
Solana
No. That's his feelings.
Blaise
Ah, that makes sense. You're insane.
Sensum
FEELINGS IN MY HEART!
Dr. Feels
SOLANA! FUUUUCK! I NEED HELP!
Solana
One second!
Blaise, for once, just try not to be you.
Blaise
Thanks for the advice.
(Gets out a cigarette)
Sensum
Your embrace lifts me higher than before!
Solana
(Swatting her cigarette away)
No smoking in the house!
Blaise
You fucking cunt!
Dr. Feels
18
MTAENY2019
(Offtstage)
Shut the fuck up!
Solana
Blaise, everything is not about you! Just be an actual sister for once. Just once. Figure out whether
you're going to be a part of this family or not.
(Maris enters holding 2 pints of gin)
Blaise
Fuck you.
Solana
You too.
(A crash is heard outside. Silence)
Maris
Well, there's no proper rocks glasses, so pints of gin it is. I see we are all getting along famously as
usual. How reminiscent of our youth. Cheers.
Blaise
Maris, our big sister was just telling me that Terran brought a man home to dinner.
Maris
We can have plus ones? I thought that wasn't allowed.
Blaise
As if you could get a date
Maris
I could. If I tried. Persistently.
Solana
Please, both of you, for Terran, just try.
(There's a knock at the door. Terran rushes in)
Terran
They're here
(The door bursts open, a rush of wind. The candles go out. Blackout. End of part one)
19
MTAENY2019
Part 2- Tsunami- cocktails

(48 minutes later. Silence. Solana is fanning herself by the window, Dr. Feels is giving her a back rub.
Blaise is playing with her lighter. Maris is drinking quietly in an armchair. Terran, back to the audience,
is watching them. Sensum has one leg on a chair, holding a guitar. He sings)
Sensum
Dilapidated cabin!
Candlelight upon their sins!
Siblings aren’t merry for their love not shine within!
Blaise
Sooo you're telling me that this, THIS is better?
Dr. Feels
Fuck yeah! Terran can now objectively see how his feelings manifest and not subject himself to their
power over him. Choice, my derelict friend! Choice!
Blaise
I choose for you to kill yourself.
Sensum
She never understands!
The washed up trollop!
She doesn't stand a chance!
To my own wallop
Blaise
Well, at least he rhymes
Maris
False rhymes
(Sensum giddily strums arpeggios on his guitar)
Dr. Feels
Babe
Solana
Nope
Dr. Feels
Love of loves
20
MTAENY2019
Solana
Nope
Dr. Feels
Honey dew on a winter's day
Solana
Jake, stop. This is just too weird.
Maris
I kind of love it. Brings some muzak back into our lives.
Dr. Feels
It's sooooooothing. And it helps! Now inadequate and quite fucked up Terran can be what humans are
biologically incapable of being. Reasonable. Objective. Fucking rational! This is our evolution!
Sensum
I am magic! I am light! I'm the music of delight!
Maris
Oh. Yep. That's it. I'm dead... or I'm shrooming
Terran
Sensum, cease
(Sensum suddenly sits quietly and strums his guitar)
Dr. Feels
Ah, to be human, wild, roaring with passion, uncontrollable. When we want to be. But AHA! Also to be
able to turn it off. Like a switch. And have perspective. How many wars could have been avoided sans
emotion? Could Helen have inspired such Trojan deaths?
Blaise
Leave it to diddles to mansplain war and lust
Dr. Feels
Exactly!
Maris
I don't think you understood what she meant
Solana
Okay, so, whatever Terran feels, goes to him?
21
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
Yes!
Solana
And if Teran doesn't like what he hears, he can just ignore him?
Dr. Feels
YES!
Solana
But we all have to listen to him?
Dr. Feels
NO!
Maris
You know, everyone in the know, says that doctorates nowadays are the assholes of yesterday,
everybody has one.
Terran
Let me show you. Sensum what am I feeling?
Sensum
I haven't had sex in a year!
Terran
Next feeling.
Sensum
My father never loved me, mother wasn't there
All alone, just misery was there
Blaise
So he's a greeting card
Terran
Wait. Next.
Sensum
Memories! It's so..
Terran
Next.
22
MTAENY2019
Sensum
To be understood
Is a fear for all
To be seen as one could
Under the hood
Terran
Now what do I do?
Dr. Feels
Protocol Teran! Fucking protocol! Next, Ease, Cease, Mute or Pursue!
Terran
Uh, ease?
Sensum
Sister you're so selfish,
Brother you're a drunk,
Sister you're so distant,
Around you I feel sunk.
Dr. Feels
Fuck yeah, ask for more!
Terran
Ease!
Sensum
You're all little twats
Selfish little twats
Dicks dicks dicks in a bag
No no joy to be had
You fucking drive me oh so mad
Twats and dicks and pricks with hats
Twats and dicks and pricks with hats
What kind of hats? For these twats?
Shitty bitty little itty hats!
Shitty bitty little itty hats!
Shitty bitty little
Shitty bitty little
(repeats on loop)
Dr. Feels
Now it’s gone TOO far! So! Now, Terran, now! Like I fahcking showed you!
23
MTAENY2019
Terran
MUTE!
(Sensum keeps mouthing words and strumming his guitar but no sound is heard)
Dr. Feels
Wonderful!
Maris
I think I admire you now.
Blaise
Can I try something?
Dr. Feels
But of course!
Solana
Why don't we just have dinner?
Dr. Feels
Pumpkin spice, the people want to see their future, let's not fucking deny them!
Solana
Honey you're getting your eye twitch again
Blaise
Just one question
Terran
I can always stop it if it gets out of hand.
Dr. Feels
Safely test your own traumatic clusterfucked emotional boundaries! Test, Blaise! Test away!
Terran
Sensum, ease
Sensum
Excitedly awaiting!
Longing sans dissuading!
Blaise
Sensum, where was Terran when Maris tried to kill himself?
24
MTAENY2019
Sensum
I dare not see what is not meant to be seen
My brother's feelings for Blaise
are feelings ablaze and…
Terran
Mute
(Sensum mouths silently)
Maris
Awww, it was just getting interesting
Solana
You've had your fun, let's eat.
Terran
I'll help you bring out the food
Maris
Can we keep “it”?
Dr. Feels
Terran can choose to leave Sensum with you, if he wishes.
Solana
That's really not a great idea
Dr. Feels
FUCK! Sorry not yelling, no yelling, no yelling, no, just passionate. I FEEL, that I would just really,
really appreciate it if you would just trust the process I have spent FIVE years working on, my love.
Solana
Jake, you were just screaming a million fucks of panic an hour ago, but now you trust “that”, alone,
with them?
Blaise
Solana have a little faith in Diddly’s work
Terran
Sis, I don't mind, it's probably best they get to know him.
Maris
And I have a pint of gin so I'm quite distracted
25
MTAENY2019
Blaise
See?
Solana
Fine
Dr. Feels
Just a teeny quick little asterisk word of caution disclaimer of sorts. Sensum can perhaps, possibly,
potentially absorb other people’s feelings around him if they get too close. Just as an FYI.
Maris
Well, this will end well
Solana
I’m out. Jake?
Dr. Feels
Coming honeypoo!
Terran
Sensum at ease
Sensum
Tis a glorious evening!
The moonlight brightens our souls!
Maris
Would you care for a drink?
Sensum
My master is sober
My drinking days thus over!
Maris
He's like a slightly more interesting version of Terran
Sensum
Little brother got you down
Little brother now so sound!
Maris
This could be fun, what is Terran most worried about?
26
MTAENY2019
Sensum
The end is nigh!
No time to cry!
As we turn to dust
Our sin and lust
Will forever be erased,
As we're displaced…
Into the void
Blaise
Sensum?
Sensum
Lady of fire!
Blaise
What was that thing you said about Maris and his suicide?
Maris
Ah happy thoughts.
Sensum
I seek your permission
To not have a single omission
In the telling of a terrible event
Blaise
Yes
Maris
What exactly are we doing?
Sensum
Questions, secrets, so much pain
Cliche, touche, but don't dismay
Allow me to show you Maris's Cain
Maris
This is very very stupid
Blaise
Drink your gin. Sensum proceed.
27
MTAENY2019
Sensum
(Sensum begins to play on his guitar)
So he closed his bill at the bar?
Why did he let it get that far?
A lonely walk is cold at night
Yet he longed for the rain...
Maris
As fun as twisting chopsticks in my heart sounds, I'd, I'd rather not do this. Dear sister, you know what
that night did, to me, to us.
Sensum
And you drown in your own Tsunami.
Maris
(Grabs sensums arm and he stops)
Cease.
(Sensum stops)
Blaise
Maris...
Maris
You know I love you
Blaise
I love you too
Maris
No, you know that I'm in love with you
Blaise
Yeah, I know
Maris
And that’s not okay.
Blaise
No
Maris
Right, of course, of course, but, bah dee bah dee bah buh buh...
28
MTAENY2019
Blaise
You're in love with affection
Maris
Ah yes, I am so very messed up
Blaise
We all are
Maris
You know, that night, when we, you know, when we, um...
Blaise
Yes
Maris
Right, that. You, um, you didn't pull away.
Blaise
My brother had just tried to kill himself, I didn't know what to do
Maris
Ah, yes. Yet, methinks that’s a bit tad bullshit.
Blaise
I was afraid of losing you. I'd do anything for you
Maris
Except.
Blaise
Except.
Maris
Ah, well, I do wish I didn’t feel this way
Blaise
We don't get to choose how we feel
Maris
Right.
(there is a long silence)
29
MTAENY2019
Blaise
I'm sorry
Maris
Meh, c'est la vie.
Blaise
Hey...
Maris
You know, I, I think I just need a moment alone if that’s okay. Before dinner. Just to restring the heart
strings a bit.
Blaise
I'll have a smoke.
Maris
(mocking Solana)
OUTSIDE!
Blaise
Ha. Yeah.
(She begins to leave but looks back at him)
Hey?
Maris
Yeah?
Blaise
I love you bro
Maris
Love you too sis
(She exists)
Maris
(He sits quietly for some time, Sensum begins to play "Tsunami" on his guitar, Maris touches
Sensum's arm)
Sensum?
Sensum
Sir?
30
MTAENY2019
Maris
Pursue.
Sensum
(Sensum sings Tsunami, a ballad about the night Maris last tried to kill himself. Maris drinks slowly,
looking out)
So you close your bill at the bar.
"Why did I let it get this far?”
The lonely walk is cold at night,
Yet you long for the rain.
No, it's not home, yet it's hard not to weep,
So you try to ease to sleep.
Then you wake the next morning,
And everything hurts.
And everything hurts.
You call home and get met with denial.

“Oh Honey, just don't drink for a while.”
You grasp, with nothing to hold,
Your fingers go cold.
Just one glass of day old Champagne,
And you blissfully drown in your shame.
The end is coming.
Can you weather the storm?
Can you weather the storm?
Sixteen drinks and you don't know your pain.

You're not able to fight off your Cain.
You look for a friend but you see a worn belt.
And you whisper goodbye.
You pull up a chair and you sip your last sip.
Guess you're really sinking the ship.
Worn warm leather kissies your throat,
And your drown in your own tsunami.
And your drown in your own tsunami.
And you're grasping for death,

As your storm takes your breath,
And you drown in the waves of your pain.
The ocean turns black.
Your head gets snapped back.
But a siren calls out your name.
And the rope is no more,
And your ship comes ashore,
31
MTAENY2019
And you feel the warmth of the sun.

As you wake to the taste of the salt of your sweat.
The siren sings your song of regret.
And you've been saved.
You've been saved.
You've been saved.
Green river eyes, red hair all ablaze,

"I can't live without that tormented face"
You melt in her arms, your tears start to boil,
And she warms up your heart.
Steamy compassion, sweat dries on your skin,
Campfires bring out the children within,
A hint of a smile peers through dark clouds,
As the glow of the sun warms the rain.
The glow of the sun eases the rain.
The glow of the sun quiets the rain.
Maris
Please leave.
Sensum
As you wish.
(Sensum leaves. Maris quietly pours himself another full pint of gin, the lights slowly fade out. End of
part two)
32
MTAENY2019
Part 3: Volcano- dinner

(48 minutes later. Everyone is finishing dinner except for Sensum who is muted in the corner and is
just staring, wide eyed, and smiling semi-stupidly at everyone.)
Solana
And he's just standing there in the lawn, seething, covered, head to toe, in everyone's shit
(everyone cackles)
Maris
Classic dad
Solana
Plumber was only a couple hundred bucks but nope dad wanted to fix it himself
Maris
Mr Fixit!
Solana
I just remember him screaming "TERRAN! Why, god, why did you flush?!?"
Terran
Mom couldn't stop laughing.
Blaise
How come I've never heard this before?
Terran
Well, you weren't really around much those days
Blaise
Yeah, well, dad and I had some issues
Solana
You were probably busy acting out, always mad at the world
Blaise
Dad was an asshole
Terran
You two are just too similar
33
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Were
Terran
Yeah, were, I guess
Solana
No no, no moping,
(the phone rings loudly)
One sec
(she goes to the phone, picks it up and hangs it up, laughs)
Jake, open another bottle of wine
Dr. Feels
Fuck yeah!
Maris
Welcome aboard sis!
Solana
I'm having fun. This is fun. I miss this. Terran, tell us another story.
Terran
Gosh, I dunno
Maris
(Getting up to get some gin from a side table, he trips over a dog bowl)
I am a bag of crabs!
Terran
You okay?
Maris
Yeah it's Finnigan's old dog bowl
Terran
I hated that dog
Solana
Shitty little poodle
Blaise
Awww poodle noodle
34
MTAENY2019
Solana
I've never faked so much empathy as when mom lost that evil little yapping thing
Maris
(To the sky)
Finnigan! You evil bitch!
Solana
Terran, a story!
Terran
I don't, uh, I don't have any good ones
Maris
What about that time he tried to kill that churro guy in Venezuela?
Solana
Oh my God, yes, I love that one
Dr. Feels
I don't know this one
Terran
Yeah, so Dad is standing there strangling this guy because he…
Solana
Ugh, no! I'll tell it
Dr. Feels
Honey, Terran was telling it
Solana
Yeah, all wrong, sorry Terran
Maris
You're fun as a wino, maybe I should have visited when you were all rumpunchy
Solana
Ha. Ha. So we got off this cruise in Venezuela and Terran is trying to hook up with this cute brunette
from the ship...
(phone rings again, without missing a beat Solana picks it up and hangs up again)
And he is trying real hard to impress her, telling her how we have this beautiful vacation house in the
Carolinas that she can visit after the cruise
35
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Before we lost it all to Dad's gambling
Solana
Shhh! So he is going on and on trying to woo this sad little 16 year old
Dr. Feels
Pedophile
Terran
I was 17!
Maris
Pause for irony
Solana
Anyway he is saying we have this wonderful family and we are all very put together and should get
dinner back on the ship
Blaise
I wasn't there, that's when I got chlamydia from that cruise director and his wife, what was his name?
Solana
Oh, oh, Jacob? No, Jackson? Jack? Jacoby!
Blaise
Jacoby!
Maris
A JAH-COH-BEE?!? How base.
Solana
So anyway, then we hear all of this screaming and Maris is like let's check it out
Maris
I live for danger
Solana
And we turn the corner and there's Dad, holding this poor churro vendor by the throat in the air while
screaming "you are an affront to tourism! This is why Latin America won't ever evolve"
Maris
Love casual racism
(the phone rings again)
36
MTAENY2019
Solana
Jake, dear, just unplug that
Dr. Feels
(struggling with the wine opener)
It might be important
Maris
Probably just Carl asking for money again
Solana
I thought you paid him?
Maris
Oh, no, definitely did not do that.
Solana
Just unplug the phone, he’ll leave a message
(Dr. Feels rips the chord from the wall)
Solana
Anyway, turns out Dad made a mistake with the exchange rate and underpaid the churro guy, so he
was removing churros from the bag to equal what was paid and Dad felt robbed and just lost it. You
should've seen Terran, he grabbed that girl by the arm and ran back to the ship faster than a rhino in
heat. We didn't see him for like two days. Mom was livid.
Blaise
Always afraid of a little conflict
Terran
Dad was so crazy
Blaise
We were all bat-shit crazy
Terran
Not me
Maris
Always the tedious one
37
MTAENY2019
Terran
Well, I just didn't feel the need to be dramatic all the time like Dad and Blaise
Blaise
Mom was a tight ass bitch and dad was a mercurial psycho. Whatever.
Solana
Blaise, you gotta admit, Terran and I spent most of our childhood bailing you out
Maris
Not me though, no one was ever worried about muah
Solana
All you did was lock yourself up in the upstairs bathroom and masturbate to emo cartoons, you were
easy to handle
Maris
Ah the glories of youth
Blaise
You so nasty
Maris
Tell me about it
Blaise
Only if you feed me after midnight
Terran
Yeah, you were definitely the cause of most of our fights with Mom and Dad
Blaise
'till you fucking killed them
Solana
Hey. We're having a good time
Blaise
Okay. Okay, then. I have a fun story
Maris
Goody
38
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Remember that time when Terran went away to camp finance?
Maris
I so try to forget
Solana
Yeah, what about it?
Blaise
Well he left me to take care of that dumb little goldfish of his for a few weeks and...
Solana
I don't want to hear this story.
(we hear a muffled explosion in the background)
Damn construction, it’s so late at night. Jake the wine!
Dr. Feels
This fucking cork is the devil incarnate!
Maris
Just bang the side of it
Blaise
Anyway weeks go by and I remember it just stared at me all sad, “help meee” all the time and I was
like “what the fuck does it want?”
Maris
Classic Blaise
Blaise
And yeah I was mad at you Terran, for something, I don't remember what, but I was pissed, anyway, I
remember wanting to not feed him for like a day, just one, to like just get back at you a little
Maris
Bitch move
Blaise
But then I wasn't mad anymore and I just forgot about the food. Just completely forgot. Then like a
week later the poor fucker was just floating there and I was like “oops.”
39
MTAENY2019
Maris
That's one of the most amazing things I've ever heard. Dinner worth it.
Dr. Feels
I can’t get this fucking thing open. Maris?
Maris
Come to papa!
Terran
You let it die?
Blaise
(laughs)
Yeah, I guess I did
Dr. Feels
Zoosadism
Solana
Thanks honey.
Terran
You let it die.
Blaise
Chill Bundy, I forgot to feed it, I didn't kill it
Solana
And she didn't mean to
Blaise
I didn't not mean to
(another mild explosion, closer)
Solana
Anyway that was what, 20 years ago? Fish die. It's life.
Blaise
You killed my mom so, you know, doesn't matter, it's life.
Maris
That Sensum thing is getting twitchy
40
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Awww, am I upsetting you Terran? Over a little fish?
Dr. Feels
Now, Terran, pay no mind
Solana
Blaise, just apologise
Blaise
Why? Aren't I the crazy dramatic one?
(Sensum glares at her, venom in his eyes)
Terran
You let it starve.
Blaise
Ok, Terran, whatever
Dr. Feels
Terran, just look away.
Solana
Nope, not doing this, not after last year, we are having fun, and that's it. We are a fun having, normal
family, having normal wine and sharing normal stories, fun stories.
Terran
Do you have any idea how it must feel to starve?
Blaise
I do actually
(Sensum walk up to her, glaring, seething)
Maris
Am I not the trouble child today? How 15 of me.
Solana
Who's up for desert?
Dr. Feels
Look away Terran
Terran
To slowly wither away and know that you're dying.
41
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Don't you fucking stare at me
(Sensum is inches from her face, another explosion, louder)
Solana
What is that?
Dr. Feels
Just like we practiced, look away.
Terran
To eat yourself from the inside out?
(He walks up to her, Sensum and he are flanking her)
Blaise
Oh my god, it was a goldfish.
(another explosion)
Maris
Must be Carl’s kids with their damn fireworks again
Blaise
I forgot to feed it fucking 99 cent fish food. Get over it.
(Terran walks to Sensum)
Dr. Feels
Terran, don't!
Terran
(grabs Sensum's arm and is suddenly fueled with emotion, all his repressed feelings rush back into his
body, he grabs Blaise’s arm and pulls her back, he screams at her, viciously, tearfully, broken)
Fish food! Fish food! It was just fucking fish food! One fucking favor! ONE! But you had to make it oh
so difficult didn't you? It was such a task for you? Such a chore! I asked you to take care of one thing
for me, ONE, and you fucking let it die. Because of your fucking feelings! Because you were mad? You
killed my fish because you were mad? What were you trying to prove? What were you thinking? “Fish
food? Feelings? Brother? Me? Me. Always me.” Everything is always. Always. Always! About. You.
You! You selfish fucking mistake. You excuse.
(He let's go of Sensum and he slowly collapses in on himself. Everyone is quiet for a long time. Blaise
is shaken but fighting her anger back. We hear lots of dogs barking outside.)
Solana
We have a lovely apple cobbler thanks to Jake, who wants some?
42
MTAENY2019
Maris
I'll take some, Blaise?
Blaise
Ah, yeah, sure, whatever, gonna smoke first, to just process whatever the fuck that...
(Exits)
Terran
(calm, as if nothing happened)
I'll take some, thanks sis
Dr. Feels
FUCK!
(He exits)
Maris
The sad part about…
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
Protocol! Fucking protocol!
(Door slams)
Maris
The sad part about drinking as much as I do is that after a while everything is just somewhat mildly
entertaining. Not terribly shocking. Just mildly "there."
Solana
Maris, help me with the pie
Maris
Oh fuck the pie, here, wine!
(he opens Jake’s impossible wine, pours her a glass)
Solana
Terran?
Terran
Yeah? What's up?
Solana
You okay?
Terran
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MTAENY2019
Yeah
(He combs Sensum’s hair. Sensum strums "tremors" on his guitar.)
Solana
Ok, sure, whatever
Terran
You know what? I'll get the pie! Pie sounds lovely! Sensum come with me.
(He exits, Sensum follows)
Sensum
(offstage)
Sugar sugar sugar!
Maris
Just you and me sis. Like the old days.
Solana
Yeah except no Mom around with a knife to her wrist screaming "this is all your fault"
Maris
Lucine was a bit much
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
Solana!
Solana
(chugs her wine)
Every year. We do this. And I hope, I don't know what I hope.
Maris
(Playing with a little cigarette case)
This is super cute
Solana
What is it?
Maris
A little fancy ciggy case. (Opens it, gasps) it's (whispers) marijuana, little fancy joints
Solana
I didn't know mom and dad smoked
44
MTAENY2019
Maris
Scandalous. Oooo it has a note in it. "For Carl, thank you, truly, Theo & Bart."
Solana
(Chugging wine)
Fuck it, should we smoke it?
Maris
"For Carl"
Solana
Fuck Carl
Maris
Partay! Partay!
(He lights a fancy joint and passes it to his sister. They pass it back and forth.)
Solana
You know, I just, I just want us to be there for each other, for Terran and you and Blaise and...
Maris
(refills her glass to the brim and exchanges it for the joint)
And you.
Solana
Yeah but no matter how much I wish for things to get better. It's just. This. Always. This.
Maris
See that’s why I just live in my own little fantasy world of the future where everything is justified and all
our actions meant something.
Solana
Always the hopeless hopeful
Maris
Better than a suicidal drunk, my dear
Solana
Before mom did, what she did, we were close, Blaise even occasionally smiled, Terran was a happy
kid, you, well you were always weird
Maris
I did pull off a mean 5th grader turtleneck
45
MTAENY2019
Solana
I just miss that. I miss us.
Maris
Hey, screaming didn't happen till dessert, better than last year.
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
Solana! I think you should see this!
Solana
One second!
You know, I wonder sometimes that if I had a time machine that I wouldn't go see interesting historical
events or save the human race from Apartheid or the Holocaust. Nah, I think I'd just go relive those
few great moments where I felt I had really lived, where I had some respite from my own neurosis.
When I was actually just enjoying that one day. I'd stay in that past forever. As kids. Wide eyed and
weirdly invested in each other's joy.
Sensum
(offstage)
PIE! PIE! PIE!
Maris
At least we have parlor music now
Solana
You, however, you often fantasize of what could one day be. I think, if you had a time machine you'd
probably feel liberated to intentionally make bad choices now, just so you could go into the future and
bask in great moments post consequences.
Maris
Elysium
Solana
I should judge you for that, but, I guess memories are just as alluring as fantasies. We sure do love to
let our minds see anything but the now. Past and future are maybe the only comforts we have as we
clearly have no capacity to deal with our present.
Maris
Life may make a sage of you yet
Solana
You're not so bad, you know
46
MTAENY2019
Maris
You're just less mad at me than everyone else right now, I'm the best of the worst
Solana
I'll write that on your tombstone
Maris
Not too soon I hope
Solana
No. Not as long as I'm around.
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
SOLANA!!!
Solana
Coming!
(She gulps some wine and gets up)
Hey, I'm sorry.
Maris
For what?
Solana
You know. For not being there that night. It shouldn't have all fallen on Blaise. I'm sorry.
Maris
Nah de bah da bum bum. C'est la vie.
Solana
I love you.
Maris
Thank you?
Solana
And?
Maris
(Laughs)
I'm sorry too.
47
MTAENY2019
Solana
For?
Maris
Not being there too?
Solana
Thank you.
(Terran and Sensum enter with pie)
Sensum
Pie! Glorious pie!
Sibling Apple of my eye!
Slice and dice!
Splice surprise!
Solana
I'm gonna go find Blaise and uh… diddles?
Maris
Diddles.
Solana
...Diddles.
(They toast and laugh. Another very loud explosion. We hear Blaise scream offstage.)
Dr. Feels
(offstage)
FUCK! OH FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
(Blackout. End of part 3)
48
MTAENY2019
Part 4: Hurricane- digestive

(48 minutes later. Dr. Feels is holding a severed arm, Solana is drunk and high, Maris is holding a
shocked Blaise, Terran is contently eating pie.)
Sensum
We are all gonna die!
City on fire! City on fire!
Maris/Blaise
SHUT UP!
Solana
What’s happening?
Dr. Feels
This is clearly a human arm.
Blaise
This is not okay!
Solana
So, again, so I understand, you’re standing out there and this just flies at you?
Blaise
No, it didn’t fucking fly, it hit me in the goddamn face
Dr. Feels
Quite a strong arm I must say.
Maris
That’s definitely Carl’s
Blaise
Jesus christ!
Solana
Jake, try the phone again.
Dr. Feels
Definitely a working man’s arm.
49
MTAENY2019
Solana
Terran?
Terran
This pie is delicious
Blaise
Oh my god!
Solana
Jake!
Dr. Feels
I wish I was in shape.
Maris
Here, I’ll check.
(He goes to the phone)
Still dead
Solana
TV? Maybe there's something on the news.
Maris
Ugh, there's a hole in the center of it's ugh, well face? Do TV's have faces?
Terran
Screen
Maris
Ah yes, screen.
Blaise
Why the FUCK did we not keep Dad’s car?
Terran
It’s not convenient in the city
Blaise
You’re not fucking convenient!
Sensum
Useless! I feel so useless!
50
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
This is quite the conundrum
Solana
(clapping her hands)
Please. Put. The. God. Damn. Appendage. Down.
Dr. Feels
Ah yes. Sorry.
Blaise
So Carl is dead and all we are worried about is calling a cab?
Maris
Classic us.
(Blaise goes to light a cigarette)
Solana
Outside
Blaise
It’s raining bodyparts!
Maris
We have a number of voicemails on the machine.
Solana
Just please stand by the window.
Blaise
You just smoked a joint in here
Solana
It smells totally different!
(Maris presses the voicemail)
Terran
Ya’ll should have some of this pie.
Blaise
Go milk yourself
(She goes to the window)
51
MTAENY2019
Maris
Shhh!
Machine: Carl (voiceover)

Hallo! It’s Carl, just checking in as you're getting in for your dinner thing. Oof! Still feel so bad for your
peeps. Good people, tipped me real well. Also, ugh, was kinda wondering, haven’t been paid in a
while, I think it was Morris’s, Morty, Marti? Anyway his turn to pay me this year and uh, well it's been a
mucho problemo. Not a big deal, just been a few weeks. Months. Gotta feed the fam! Call me!
3.4.7.6….0….7...uh. 5.8.3……6? No, that’s not right, hold on…One sec…. Sorry... Just one sec…
Ah....9! It’s nine! Spanks!
(Woman’s voice: next message)
Blaise
Why are we listening to this?

Hallo! Just letting ya know I let the doctor in past the gate. Also, gate is falling apart and I can’t fix it
without money. Sooooo hint, hint. Call me! 3.4.7.6….0….7...uh… hold on… just gotta find my post
it…. Never been great with numbers… 5.8.3. nueve! Little Spanish for the kids. It's muy importante!
Spanks!
Blaise
Maris. Turn it off.
Maris
We still have more messages.
Blaise
Yes that’s what’s important now.
Solana
Do we have any more wine?
Terran
There’s another bottle in the kitchen
Solana
Jake?
Dr. Feels
But of course!
52
MTAENY2019
Sensum
Let us be merry and drink away our final days!
Blaise
(looking out the window)
The woods have a weird glow...
Sensum
The end is nigh!
Die! Die! Die! Die!
Maris
Should we leave?
Terran
Where would we go?
Blaise
I don’t know fuckmook, but here sure doesn’t feel safe
Solana
What do the other messages say?
Sensum
Message in a bottle,
Journey to the past!
Solana
Poor Carl. He was so nice.
Blaise
He used to watch me swim in the river
Maris
God, not everyone is in love with you
(He presses the machine)

Hallo! Carl again. Ya’ll hear the radio? Apparently there’s some military testing happening nearby. If ya
hear some noise. Nothing to worry about. Cool. Call me. 347...6... Fuckit you have my number.
Spanks!
53
MTAENY2019
Terran
Great! Nothing to worry about!
Sensum
Hallelujah! Praise be!

Hallo! Uh. Woods on fire, we are getting bombed, radio says end of the world, something. Thomas
don't go outside! Call me back, I'll be around for a few minutes then taking the kids out of here.
3.4.7.6.0.7.5.8.3...Awww shit. What's the last number? Dammit! I, I, I, I, I, I gotta run. I’ll leave the gate
open. Spanks.
Terran
Um, this isn’t good.
Sensum
Despair! Beware!

Hallo. Uh. No way out. Gate is fucked. Nowhere to run. Check the radio. I, um, I, think this is goodbye.
(away from phone) oh honey please don't cry, here where's your Teddy? El osito! There ya go. (Back
to phone) Ugh, yeah, it was a pleasure working for your family. Just, please, call me. 3.4.7...
(Loud explosion. Dial tone.)
(Woman’s voice: end of messages)
(They sit in silence.)
Maris
Well, shit.
Sensum
Hello darkness my old friend…
Blaise
Terran. I’m going to split his taint.
Terran
Sensum mute
(He is muted but mouths vigorously)
54
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
Found a bottle, AND, I’m mighty thrifty, I found an old wound up radio.
Terran
Dad, he always had one in case of an emergency!
Maris
Remember that time in the basement when
Solana
Ohmygod I know what you’re gonna say, with the Fischers! Yes!
Blaise
NO! NO! NO! Storytime is fucking over! Maris turn on the radio!
Maris
It’s got one of those weird windup things
Terran
Ah, yeah, let me look
(Sensum whistles the Jeopardy theme)
Dr. Feels
Hmm the handle isn’t quite moving right
Terrran
Here, let me try
Maris
You just gotta crank it to the left a bit
Terran
No, no, the other way
(Solana starts to laugh)
Maris
I am trying the other way
Dr. Feels
Maybe if you just push it in a bit
Blaise
Here!
55
MTAENY2019
(She hits it hard, it turns on)
Radio
Attention! This is an emergency broadcast. This is not a drill. This emergency broadcast is proudly
supported by
TurboGreen! Have you claimed your green return? Let us help you eco-file today!
know. Heavy explosions are being reported across the world. No official word as to the cause. Stay
inside. Lock your doors. God bless us all.
Solana
Blaise, pass me a cigarette
(we hear a huge explosion, blackout, end of part 4)
56
MTAENY2019
Part 5: Firestorm- the check

(48 minutes later. Everyone is smoking and drinking quietly. Terran is pacing. Solana is wearing an
eloquent blue long beautiful robe)
Terran
Doc, I’m feeling anxious.
Dr. Feels.
Like we practiced, protocol.
Terran
Right. Sensum ease.
Sensum
I DON’T WANT TO SEE MY BODY SPLATTER!
Terran
Next
Sensum
Gotta poop! Nervous poops! Diarrhea and despair!
Terran
Next
Sensum
Why, God, why, God, does it end like this?
Terran
Cease. This isn’t working.
Blaise
Are we supposed to just wait to find out if we are gonna die or not?
Maris
How Victorian.
Blaise
What do we do?
Maris
Kiss me.
57
MTAENY2019
Blaise
No.
Maris
But we’re gonna die.
All
No!
Maris
Ugh, what a way to go. Drunk, divorced, in a musty old cabin, with a disbarred abuser, a chickless
hen, a tart, a bore and a troubadour, ugh, how base.
Blaise
Better than alone in a hotel room surrounded by bottles of champagne
Maris
Questionable.
Terran
Nice robe sis.
Solana
Mom loved this old thing. She always wore it when she was anxious.
Blaise
So she wore that every single day.
Maris
Ooo, mama-burn.
Solana
I thought she looked beautiful in it.
Dr. Feels
You, my love of loves, look beautiful in it
Solana
Thanks honey.
Blaise
Vomit
58
MTAENY2019
Solana
This old cabin. God. If these walls could talk.
Blaise
They’d be institutionalized.
Terran
I wish Mom and Dad were here.
Blaise
Of course you do.
Solana
Mom would be cleaning.
Terran
It’s the apocalypse but mom would want to leave a spotless house
Solana
Dad would be smoking that horrible pipe of his
Terran
Telling us “the economy won’t recover from this nonsense, mark my words, I called it first”
Blaise
Shut up
Dr. Feels
Ah Elio and Lucine, such fine folks
Blaise
If they were here, they’d just be turds
Solana
And cue Blaise
Blaise
What? I don’t know why you fantasize them, they’re dead, not different people.
Terran
Come on
59
MTAENY2019
Blaise
If they were here, Dad would be screaming at Mom, somehow blaming her for this, and Mom would
just be taking it and then lash out at one of us for no reason. Being dead doesn’t make you a better
person.
Maris
Sweet sis, you gotta admit, though, we’d at least feel marginally better if they were here
Solana
We’d probably be playing rumikub
Terran
Oh where is it? We should play.
Maris
Blaise threw it in the fire last year
Terran
Oh that’s right
Maris
I'm so bored! Should we separate the recycling?
Blaise
The world is on fire.
Maris
In my building we say fuck TurboGreen, we just collect all our plastic and charitably give it to this
homeless guy who keeps fighting off relocation.... He's nice, old, sweet, super grateful, he recycles it.
And with the money... he buys crack.
Solana
Lovely story Maris
Terran
(Touching an old leather briefcase)
It's so sad. Dad's old briefcase
Solana
So sturdy
Dr.Feels
A working man's suitcase
60
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Probably full of pencils
Terran
He loved sharpening his pencils
Maris
You mean loved telling us to sharpen his pencils "for work"
Blaise/Terran
"For work"
Solana
Any news on the radio?
Maris
It’s still on. Nothing’s being broadcast.
Blaise
You’d think they’d at least play some music. I hate silence.
(Long pause. They all turn to Sensum)
Terran
My emotions are not a jukebox
Maris
Oh come on, let him play, I’m bored and too drunk to feel more drunk
Terran
I dunno
Dr. Feels
Terran, you can control it
Maris
Come on, give us a song
Dr. Feels
Think of something happy
Terran
I don’t think so
61
MTAENY2019
Solana
Oh, just turn this thing on! Sensum sing!
Dr. Feels
It has to come from…
Solana
I know! Terran?
Terran
Fine, Sensum ease
Sensum
Panic! Panic! Panic!
Solana
(covers his mouth)
Shut up. My turn.
Maris
There’s that Mom in ya!
Solana
Listen to me “singing man,” we are all shitting ourselves in fear and we need a distraction, so you’re
gonna sing us a happy song, got it?
Terran
It doesn’t work that way.
Dr. Feels
It can. Just think of something soothing.
Solana
What was that old song mom used to sing?
Blaise
Oh god, not that.
Maris
(sings)
Blow wind, blow wind, blow
62
MTAENY2019
Sensum
(Sensum picks up his guitar and sings “Hurricane” what starts as a nursery rhyme by Lucine becomes
a song about Solana's dynamic as the elder child caring for everyone)
Hear how the wind begins to blow
Hear how it whistles soft and low
Hear the wind whisper through the halls
What can one do when the wind calls?
What can I do but care for you?

Who else can hold the sail,
Strong against an angry sky?
I am not allowed to fail,
Fighting storms we can't defy.
I watch the world being swept again

In this purgatory of a hurricane
The wind whips around me, I'm perfectly still
I've got no voice, but I have a will
Around me blow my brothers

My sisters and their lovers
They're longing not to die
While I sit silently in the eye
I can't reach you,
but I need you,
Let it pass
Let it pass
Let it pass
(The siblings look to Solana, moved, Terran approaches her)
Terran
It was an accident
Solana
I know honey
Terran
I was so excited to cook dinner for them, for the first time in my own house, and I just forgot about the
fireplace
63
MTAENY2019
Solana
I know
Terran
I was on those sleeping pills, I didn’t hear anything, know anything, I woke up with you shaking me in
the ambulance, I didn’t know
Maris
I was so drunk I woke up outside your house to the sound of flames.
Solana
It’s no-ones fault. Come here.
(she holds Terran and Maris)
Blaise
I didn’t get to say goodbye.
Terran
You could have come.
Blaise
You didn’t invite me
Terran
You still could have come.
Blaise
I wasn’t wanted.
Terran
That’s not true. I was an idiot, I wanted calm, I needed a calm night, just one quiet night
Blaise
And you burned our parents alive
Radio
Attention! This is an emergency broadcast. This is not a drill. This emergency broadcast is proudly
supported by:
LatinxDay! Porque aunque todos los dias deberiamos de celebrar a los Latinos en nuestro pais, hoy,
hoy es un dia especial. LatinxDay! Nunca cambies.
know. The end is here. We can confirm that evacuation is futile. The rest of the world is no longer in
contact. We fear our great nation is next. It is likely we will all soon explode. God bless you all. Good
night and good luck.
64
MTAENY2019
(Long beep, Maris turns off the radio. Long silence.)
Sensum
(spoken)
Hey, Doc, can I just get my check and go?
Blaise
I fucking knew it
Maris
Hold up!.
Dr. Feels
(panicked)
Wait, what, what are you talking about?
Sensum
Yeah, haha, surprise, games up, sorry, I gotta go, I wanna be with my dog tonight
Terran
Sensum mute
Sensum
Uh no. Okay. It was nice to meet you all..
Maris
Oh. No. Oh. This is so epic. Oh. I can’t.
Solana
(bursts out laughing)
You bastard!
(hits Dr. Feels)
Dr. Feels
Wait, Solana...
Sensum
Seriously, doc. You know what, just mail it to me. I’m gonna go.
Solana
You bag of dicks. You bag of dicks.
Maris
Classic!
65
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
Wait, no, Billy. Hold on.
Terran
(Exploding)
Who the FUCK is BILLY!
Sensum
Yeah, hi, that’s me, sorry. Look it was good money, and it looked like a super artsy opportunity, you
know, for my craft. I’m so sorry.
Blaise
Wow, this is so messed up, even for us.
Terran
BILLY?
Solana
Jake?
Dr. Feels
I, honey, look, everyone, look, it was working.
Solana
Jake!
Dr. Feels
Honeypoo, look how lovely we were all just getting along. It worked!
Solana
DIDDLES! OUTSIDE!
Dr. Feels
But everything is on fire.
Maris
Good play Doc, you had me.
Blaise
You saggy testicle
Solana
You used us?
66
MTAENY2019
Dr. Feels
No, yes, no! Look Sensum was just a therapeutic vessel.
Sensum
I’m an acting fellow actually
Solana
How did you pull this off?
Maris
(playing with Carl’s arm)
The arm was a nice touch
Terran
Billy is an actor!?!
Sensum
A fellow.
Dr. Feels
FUCK! Yes! No! Yes! The, the, the, Sensum thing was therapy, but...
Blaise
Such bullshit.
Maris
How did you get Carl in on this?
Solana
You fucked half of your patients.
Dr. Feels
Honey
Solana
I stood by you
Dr. Feels
It’s a sickness, we all have problems, I mean look at all of you.
Blaise
Go finger yourself
67
MTAENY2019
Solana
You said you wanted to help Terran, he saw you for over a year.
Terran
Billy? A Billy?
(laughs maniacally)
Maris
(pouring himself wine)
The voicemails. Wow. This is the greatest night of my life.
Solana
After everything you and I went through, with Maris, with Blaise, my parents, the baby?
Dr. Feels
Solana, pumpking, please
Blaise
You piece of shit
Solana
Get out!
(She starts to push him to the door. Blaise opens it.)
Dr. Feels
No, no, no, I’ll die out there
Solana
Sure you will, you lying, manipulating, crazy son of a…
Terran
(Explodes in rage and charges at Dr. Feels)
BIIILLYYY!!!!!
(Dr. Feels is pushed outside the door. Blaise slams the door. Maris locks it.)
Maris
And stay out!
Solana
What did I ever see in that chode?
Blaise
Hey, we all make mistakes.
68
MTAENY2019
Maris
I live for mistakes
(Dr. Feels start banging on the door)
Dr. Feels
Solana! Honey! Please! I’m scared. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh god I’m so scared.
Solana
Now you know how your patients feel!
Maris
You are my favorite
Blaise
I fucking love ya sis
Solana
I love you too, you fucking bitches
Terran
(sings)
Group hug!
(they all hug as Dr. Feels bangs on the door)
Sensum
Guys, Sensum was just an experiment, but this exploding world...
Maris
Oh drop it, come have some wine with us, tell us everything. The radio bit, that’s a winner
(he opens another bottle of wine, Blaise lights cigarettes and/or joints for everyone)
Dr. Feels
Solana, Honeydew!
Blaise
Ignore him.
Solana
Ignore who?
Sensum
Guys, my poodle, Doodle, he needs me
69
MTAENY2019
Blaise
Ah, poor doodle poodle.
Dr. Feels
SOLAAAAANAAA! FUUUCK!
Maris
(he goes to the door)
Oh my god, Diddles, seriously let it go.
(he opens the door, we hear an explosion, blinding light, Maris is covered in an exploded Dr. Feels.
Long pause)
Shit. This bit’s real.
(He closes the door)
Solana
Serves him right.
Sensum
Oh no. Doodles.
Blaise
Garfunkell, still wanna go out there?
Sensum
I, um, I, oh god….
Terran
(menacing, with a swagger not seen before)
So Billy? Is that right? Billy? That your name?
Sensum
Hi, hey, guys, I just wanna go. I’m sorry.
Terran
Nah, Billy, sing us another song brah
Blaise
Yeah! Terran says you sang him many songs, and Maris got a song, Solana got a song, where’s my
song, Billy?
Sensum
Okay folks, game is over and…. Seriously?
70
MTAENY2019
Solana
(holding the pie knife)
Sing motherfucker!
Maris
(blocking the door)
I recommend it
Blaise
(holding a fire poker,whispers in his ear)
Sing.
(Sensum, distraught, picks up his guitar, he sings Firestorm. The siblings hold each other as the world
burns around them, we hear explosions and a cacophony of chaos.)
Sensum
The glow is so pretty
Orange, yellow, white, and blue
Dancing on the walls
And the heat is cozy, too
This may feel like a song
Someone has already sung
There's a smell that hints of camping
That reminds of being young
A little pop
A little hiss
Those are the moments that you miss
A crackling fire
A melty s'more
Why can't you do that anymore
Watch the light
Watch the glow
Take a breath
And watch the show
Have a seat,
enjoy the heat,
These last few moments are the last you'll know
Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it melt
cause you never learn
71
MTAENY2019
Watch the coal

Feel the spark
Things are so simple in the dark
Let it melt
Let it melt
Like the feelings
That you never felt
Watch the light
Watch the glow
Say goodbye
To all you know
Let it burn
...
End of play
72
Score
Let It Burn
Fish Food For Feelings De Gré Cárdenas & Anderson
Freely {m q = c 130}
A α9 A α9
α ˙ œ
Tenor Υ α α 33 Œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
The glow is so pre - tty O - range ye - llow white and blue
α ϖϖϖϖ
% α α 33 ϖϖϖϖ ϖϖϖ
ϖϖ
ϖϖϖ
ϖϖ ϖϖ
ϖ
Acoustic Guitar
Ο
αα œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ϖ Ó œ
G m11 G m11 G m11 G m11
Υ α œ
5
α ϖ ˙˙˙ ϖϖϖ ϖϖϖ

Dan - cing on the walls and the heat is co - zy too. This may
% α α ϖϖϖ œ œ ∑
5
Ac.Gtr. ˙ ϖ ϖ
ϖ ϖ ϖ ϖ
A α9 A α9
ααα ˙ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ
10
T Υ
feel like a song so - meone has al - rea - dy sung, there's a
α ϖϖϖϖ
% α α ϖϖϖϖ ϖϖϖ ϖϖϖ
10
ϖϖ ϖϖ ϖϖ
ϖ
Ac.Gtr.
αα α œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ ϖ!
14 G m11 G m11 G m11 G m11
T Υ
ϖϖϖ ˙˙˙ ϖϖϖ ϖϖϖ!

smell that hints of cam - ping that re - minds of be - ing young.
α œ
%αα œ
14
Ac.Gtr. ϖ ˙ ϖ ϖ
ϖ ϖ ϖ ϖ
Moderato {q = c 108}
A α9 A α9/F Eα
α
Υαα ‰ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
18 C m7/G
A li - ttle pop A li - ttle hiss Those are the mo - ments that you miss -
α
%αα œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
18
œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœ

œ
Ac.Gtr.
œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ
Ε
©MTAENY20
2 Let It Burn
A α9 A α9/F Eα
α
Υαα ‰ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
22 C m7/G
- A crack - ling fire A mel - ty s'more Why can't you do that a - ny - more?
α
%αα œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
22
Ac.Gtr.
œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœ
œ œ œœ œœ
A α9 A α9/F Eα
α
Υαα Œ œ œ œ Œ Œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
26 C m7/G
T ˙
Watch the light Watch the glow Take a breath and watch the show.
α
% α α œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
26
Ac.Gtr.
œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ
Driven {m q = c 140}
Aα A αsus4 Aα A α/G A αsus4/G A α/G
ααα ˙ α˙ ˙ Œ œ ˙ α˙ ˙ Œ
30
T Υ œ
Have a seat, en - joy the heat, these
α œ œ œ œ αœ œ
% α α œ œ αœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
30
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Ac.Gtr.
A α/F A αsus4/F A α/F Eα Bα Bα
ααα ˙ α˙ œ œ œ œ ˙ ˙ ϖ ϖ
34
T Υ
last few mo - ments are the last you'll know.
α œ œ
% α α œ œαœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
34
œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ
Ac.Gtr.
œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Bittersweet {m q = c 135}
A α9 A α9/F Eα
α
Υαα Œ œ œ ˙ Œ œ œ ˙ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
39 C m7/G
Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn 'cause you ne - ver learn
α
% α α œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
39
Ac.Gtr.
œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
Let It Burn 3
A α9 A α9/F Eα
α
Υαα Œ œ œ ˙ Œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
43 C m7/G
Watch the coal Feel the spark Things aren't so si mple in the dark
α
% α α œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
43
Ac.Gtr.
œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœ
œ œ œœ œœ
A α9 A α9/F Eα Bα Bα
α ϖ ˙ œ œ
Υαα Œœœ ˙ Œœœ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
C m7/G
˙
47
Let it melt Let it melt Like the fee-lings that you ne - ver felt Watch the
α
% α α œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ Ó
47
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53 C m7/G
T Υ
light watch the glow say good - bye to all you
α
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57 C m7/G
T Υ
know Let it
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burn
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61
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Score
Tsunami
Fish Food For Feelings Christian De Gré Cardenas
Υ 57 ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑
Am F A m/F G Em Dm
Tenor
œ œ œ œ œœ −− œœœ −− œœ −−
% 57 œ œ œ− − œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ −−
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5 Am F A m/F C Em
T Υ
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5
− œ
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Am F G Em Dm
œ
9
T Ι Ι Ι
œœ −−
So you close your bill at the bar "Why did I let it get this far?" The
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9
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Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ− œ−
œ œ œ œ œ œ A mœ/F− ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙−
Am F C Em
Ι
13
T Υ Ι Ι
œœ −−
lo - nely road is cold at night yet you long for the rain.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −− œ œ œœœ −−− œœœ −−−

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13
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Ac.Gtr.
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©MTAENYCLLC19
2 Tsunami
œ− œ œ œ− œœ œ − œ œ A mœ/F− œ œ œ œ Dœm œ D m7
Ι Ι œ ‰
17 Am F G
T Υ Ι
œœ −−
No it's not home yet it's hard not to weep so you try to ease to sleep
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −− œ œ œ œ œ œ œ− œœœ −−
œ−
17
% − œœ −− œ −−
œ− œ−
Ac.Gtr.
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Am F A m/F Dm Am
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21
œœ −−
Then you wake the next mor - ning And e - very - thing hurts
œ œ œœ −−
% œ œ œ œ œ− œ− œ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
21
Ac.Gtr.
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œ− œ−
ι
Œ
E m/G F Dm Am
œ œ ˙− œ œ œ œ ˙−
25
T Υ ˙
oh And e very thing hurts
% œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ− œ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
25
Ac.Gtr.
˙− − ˙−
˙−
œ œ œ A mœ/F−
‰ œ œ œ− œ œ
E m/G F Am F
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29
T Υ ˙
œœ −−
oh You call home and get met with de - nial
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −−
% œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ− œ−
29
−
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Ac.Gtr.
˙− ˙− œ− œ−
ι Aœm ˙−
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G Em Dm F A m/F
œ
33
T Ι Ι
œœ −−
"Oh Ho - ney just don't drink for a while" You grasp with no - thing to hold -
œœ −− œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −−
% œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −− œ−
33
œœ− − −
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− − œ− œ− œ− œ−
Tsunami 3
œ œ œ
Υ Œ œ œ œ œ ˙− ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ−
37 C Em Am F A m/F
T
Ι
œœ −−
- Your fin - gers grow cold. Just a glass of a day old Champ - agne
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37
−
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Ac.Gtr.
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41 G Dm Am A m/F
T Υ Ι Ι
œ œ œ œ œœ −−
and you bliss - fu - lly drown in your shame The end is co - ming
œœ −−
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41
Ac.Gtr.
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Υ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙− œ œ ˙−
45 Dm Am E m/G F
T ˙
Can you wea - ther the storm oh
% œ˙ − œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ−
45
˙−
Ac.Gtr.
˙− ˙−
Υ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙− œ œ ˙−
49 Dm Am E m/G F
T ˙
Can you wea - ther the storm oh
% œ˙ − œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ−
49
˙−
Ac.Gtr.
˙− ˙−
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53 Am G Em Dm
T Υ Ι
œœ −−
Six - teen drinks and you don't know your pain. You're not a - ble to fight off your Cain. You
œ œ œ œ œœœ −− œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ −− œœ −−
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53
− œ− œœ− −
œ− œ−
Ac.Gtr.
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4 Tsunami
œ− œœ œ œ œ œF œ œ Aœm−/F ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ‰ œ
57 Am C Em
T Υ Ι
œœ −−
look for a friend but you see a worn belt. And you whis - per good - bye. You
œ œ œ œ œœœ −−
% œ œ œ− œ œ œœœ −−− œœœ −−−
57
− œ
Ac.Gtr.
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Υ œ œ œ œ− œ œ œ− œ œ œ− œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ−
61 Am F A m/F G Dm D m7
T
Ι Ι
œœ −−
pull up a chair and you sip your last sip. Guess you're rea - lly sin - king the ship
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% œ œ œ œ œ− œ− œœœ −−
61
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œ− œ−
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ− œ−
ι ι F
Υ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ− ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙−
65 Am A m/F Dm Am
œœ −−
Worn warm lea - ther ki - sses your throat And you drown in your o -
% œ œ œ− œ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œœœœœœ
65
−
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− − ˙−
œ− œ−
œ− œ− ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙−
69 E m/G F Dm Am
T Υ ˙ œ œ
- - wn Tsu - na - mi And you drown in your o -
œ œ œ œ− œ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
69
% œ œ œ œ œ œ − ˙−
Ac.Gtr.
˙− ˙−
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Aœm7/F œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ− œ
73 E m/G F A m7
T Υ ˙
- wn Tsu - na - mi. And you're gas - ping for death, and the storm takes your breath and you
œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ
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73
− − œœ − œœ −
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Ac.Gtr.
˙− ˙− œ−
Tsunami 5
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ− Œ Ι œ œ œ œ œ œ
77 A m7/G C /G
œ
A m7
œ œ
A m7/F
œ œ œ œ
T Υ
drown in the waves of your pain The o - cean turns black and your head gets snapped back but a
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77
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Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ œ
=− =−
œ œ œ œ œ œ Aœm7 œ œ œ
Ι œ− ‰ œ
81 A m7/G C /G A m7/F
T Υ
si - ren calls our your name. And the rope is no more and your ship comes a - shore and you
œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ
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81
% œœ −− œœ −− − œœ − œœ −
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Ac.Gtr.
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=− =− œ−
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− œœ œ œ œ œ− œ œ œ
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85 A m7/G C /G A m7/F
T Υ
ι ι ι ι
feel the warmth of the sun As you wake to the taste of the salt of your sweat the
œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ
œœ −− œœ −− œœ − œœ −
85
% œœ −− œœ −− œœ − œœ −
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Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ œ
=− =−
œ œ œ œ− œ œ œ
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A m7/G A m7 Em F9
Ι
89
T Υ Ι
ι ι ι ι
si - ren sings your song of re - gret and you've been
œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ

œœ − œœ − ˙˙˙ −−−
89
% œœ −− œœ −− ˙˙˙ −−−
œ −− œ −−
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− ˙− ˙−
˙− ˙− ˙− ˙−
93 C /G Em F9
T Υ
‰
saved. You've been
˙˙˙ −−−
93
Ac.Gtr. % ˙˙˙ −−− œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙ −−−
˙− ˙− ˙− ˙−
6 Tsunami
˙− ˙− ˙− ˙−
97
Υ
C /G Em F9
T
‰
saved. You've been
˙˙˙ −−−
97
Ac.Gtr. % ˙˙˙ −−− œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙ −−−
˙− ˙− ˙− ˙−
101
˙− ˙− ˙G− ˙−
T Υ
saved.
∑ ∑ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
101
Ac.Gtr. % œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ− œ œ œ œ œ− œ œ œ− œ œ œ− œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ι
F A m/F G Em Dm
œ
105 Am
T Υ Ι Ι
Green ri-ver eyes red hair all a - blaze, "I can't live with - out that tor - men - ted face" You
œœœ −− œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ −− œœ −−
105
% − − œœ− −
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ− œ− −
œ− œ−
œ− œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Aœm−/F ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙−
109 Am F C Em
T Υ Ι
œœ −−
melt in her arms, your tears start to boil, and she warms up your heart.
% œ œ œ− œ œ œœœ −−− œœœ −−−
109
− œ
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ− œ−
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Aœm−/F œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œι
113 Am F G Dm D m7
T Υ
œœ −−
Stea - my com - pa - ssion, sweat dries on your skin, camp - fi - res bring out the chil - dren with - in a
œ œ œ œœœ −− œ œ œ œ œ œ œ−
% œ œ œ œ− œœœ −−
113
− œœ −− œ −−
œ− œ−
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− œ− œ−
Tsunami 7
œ− œ œ œ œ œ− œ− œ− ‰ œ œ œ œ œ
Am F A m/F Dm Am
˙−
117
T Υ Ι
œœ −−
hint of a smile peers through dark clouds As the glow of the sun
% œ œ œ− œ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
117
−
Ac.Gtr.
œ− œ− − ˙−
œ− œ−
ι ‰ œ œ œ œ œ
E m/G F Dm Am
œ ˙− ˙−
121
T Υ œ− œ
war - ms the rain As the glow of the sun
121
Ac.Gtr.
˙− − ˙−
˙−
ι ‰ œ œ œ œ œ
E m/G F Dm Am
œ ˙− ˙−
125
T Υ œ− œ
ea - ses the rain As the glow of the sun
125
Ac.Gtr.
˙− − ˙−
˙−
ι
E m/G F
˙−
129
T Υ œ− œ œ
qui - ets the rain
œ œ œ−
129
Ac.Gtr. % œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙− ˙−
AMPATHY
miscreated by a non writer
MTAENY2018
Characters:
Lint- wondering, wandering- indecision
Wisp- hopeless, persistent- depression
Tuft- defensive, sore- vengeance
Dandelion- obsessive, determined- compulsion
Listener- aware, recluse - detachment
Setting:
Soon
One single light bulb lights the lighted area
Part Three of Tempora: Winter
Listener
FAILED INTRODUCTION.
Lights up on the lighted area.
Daylight. Warmth-ishness.
Lint wakes up.
Lint gets out of bed and walks toward his window.
Lint
No I don’t
Listener
No he doesn’t.
Lint sits up in bed and wonders why his mother Carla never discussed her lack of orgasms with his father
Paulie before he died.
Lint
I believe in pleasure
Listener
Lint makes a promise to never be in an orgasmless marriage.
Lint
I believe in promises
Listener
Of course this was a hopeful promise as Lint had never touched another human.
Lint
Just me and my briefcase
Listener
Lint doesn’t enjoy the sight of his penis.
1
MTAENY2018
Lint
It’s like a part of my insides ended up on the outside.
Listener
He finds his appendage to be an unsightly joke from God.
Lint
God is cruel.
Listener
This is one of the few times that Lint ever acknowledged God
Lint
Poop you God.
Listener
Mosty Lint just feels alone.
Lint
Often and suddenly.
Listener
Lint shrugs and walks towards the window.
He looks out.
Lint
As one does by a window.
Listener
A window is an empty space by design and is meant to be a portal into something unknown.
Lint
And it's fun to put stickers on the glass!
Listener
But lint doesn't own any stickers
Lint
I had a banana sticker once
Listener
But Lint ate it
Lint
It tasted like masking tape
Listener
Lint wonders why he can't see into people and secretly wishes he could carve little windows into their hearts.
2
MTAENY2018
Lint
With a tiny scalpel.
Listener
But he can’t.
Lint
It’s not allowed.
No one wants to be seen.
Listener
Lint scratches his hand.
Lint
Because it's itchy.
Listener
It's what one does when something itches.
Lint
Often and suddenly.
Listener
Lint feels a tear trickle down his cheek.
This puzzles Lint because he doesn't think he's sad.
Lint
I’m not sad.
Listener
Maybe it’s allergies
Lint
I don't have any allergies
Listener
My apologies
Lint
Is this going somewhere?
Listener
It is not
Lint
I have nothing to say
3
MTAENY2018
Listener
Lint has nothing to say so he contemplates suicide.
Lint
….
Listener
But Lint doesn’t commit suicide.
Because that requires effort and Lint is tired…
Lint leaves the lighted area.
Other location, symbolized by a non existent set change.
Two people enter polishing silverware they don't own.
Maybe the lights change
Tuft
They don’t.
Listener
It appears not
Tuft
They should.
Listener
They didn’t
Dandelion
Don’t argue
Listener
Tuft and Dandelion hate each other.
Tuft/ Dandelion
We are in a loveless marriage
Listener
Like two asexual polar bears trapped in a zoo
Tuft
What does that mean?
Listener
I don't know
Dandelion
Don't argue
4
MTAENY2018
Tuft
Emasculator
Dandelion
Jockstrap
Tuft
Dryheave
Dandelion
Taintbasher
Tuft
Pissflaps
Dandelion
Bitchy bitchy bitch sea monkey dick
Listener
Tuft is bitter
Tuft
From being in a loveless marriage
Listener
Dandelion is empty
Dandelion
From being dry from the waist down for 11 years
Tuft
I am flacid
Listener
But they have learned to compromise
Tuft
Because we don't have a choice
Listener
There is always a choice
Dandelion
No.
There isn't.
5
MTAENY2018
Listener
Tuft has breast cancer and will be dead within the year.
Tuft
But I don't know that
Listener
Tuft, before he's ever even been diagnosed, will die from either a heart attack
or from bleeding out from the eyes
Dandelion
And he will blame me for it
Listener
He will be dead.
Dandelion
He will still blame me
Listener
The brain isn't capable of blame post mortem.
Tuft
I will probably blame her.
Listener
But you don't know that yet.
Tuft
Uh, you've just told me
Dandelion
Don't argue
Listener
Dandelion lives a sterile life
Dandelion
I need help with the dishes
Tuft
I won't help
Dandelion
You never do.
Listener
Lights fade out on the common marriage following an uneventful scene.
6
MTAENY2018
Perhaps something happens to the lighted area.

A young woman is seen trimming her toenails.
Wisp
I don't want to do that
Listener
Then don't
Wisp
Okay
Listener
What do you want to do?
Wisp
Dream
Listener
About what?
Wisp
The whales
Listener
They are dead
Wisp
That makes me sad
Listener
Does it?
Wisp
Not really but it should
Listener
You can't force feelings
Wisp
Everyone else does
Listener
But not you
Wisp
No
7
MTAENY2018
Listener
Wisp is Lint’s neighbour
Wisp
But I don't know that yet
Listener
They will not fall in love
Wisp
Because I can't force feelings
Listener
And because Lint is going to kill himself
Wisp
Really?
Listener
Probably
Wisp
That makes me sad
Listener
Does it?
Wisp
No, but it should
Listener
I suppose so, but there are sadder things.
Wisp
Like what?
Listener
Like a hamster eating its own babies or the Ethiopian food crisis
Wisp
I don't know where that is
Listener
Nobody does because nobody cares
Wisp
That’s sad
8
MTAENY2018
Listener
Is it?
Wisp
I don't want to talk anymore.
Listener
Me neither.
But I am here to listen and that I can do…
A wisp, a tuft, a lint and a dandelion.
This is their story.
Lint
There is another
Listener
You are not supposed to be in this scene
Lint
Are you not going to introduce Carl?
Listener
No
Wisp
Why are you in my house?
Lint
I’m Lint!
Wisp
I'm Wisp.
Are you the one who commits suicide?
Listener
This is not how you meet.
Lint
Who told you that?
Wisp
He did
Listener
You don't know that yet and also I am not a he.
Lint
I don't want to commit suicide
9
MTAENY2018
Wisp
Then don't
Listener
I do not conform to gender.
Lint
You're very pretty
Listener
It's a very old fashioned idea.
Tuft
What the fuck is going on?
Wisp
Why are you in my house?
Lint
I've never met these people.
Tuft
Fuck you.
Dandelion
Don't listen to him.
Wisp
I'm scared
Lint
Are you?
Wisp
Probably, maybe
Tuft
Is this the guy who kills himself?
Dandelion
Mind your business
Wisp
Is that my silver?
Dandelion
10
MTAENY2018
It needs to be polished
Lint
I'm Lint!
Tuft
Tuft
Dandelion
Dandelion
Wisp
Wisp
Listener
None of you know this yet!
As I was saying, a wisp, a tuft, a lint and a dandelion.
This is their...
Lint
Are you not going to introduce Carl?
Listener
No.
Not yet
Lint
But there is another?
Tuft
Who?
Wisp
Apparently we don't know him yet.
Dandelion
Or anything for that matter.
Listener
Lights go out on a failed introduction.
Blackout.
Silence.
A void.
….
Wisp
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Why are we in darkness?
Listener
End of Prologue.
Act one.
Ampathy.
Dandelion
That's not even a word!
Listener
SCENE ONE - SPEECH BUBBLES
Tuft
My dog got cataracts once.
It’s not funny.
I enjoyed him.
But he was running into shit all the time.
Pissed on my shoes.
Which was unpleasant.
I put him to sleep.
Not because of the ruined shoes
but because he couldn't see how much he was pissing off everyone around him.
Stupid blind motherfucker.
Good dog.
Wisp
I love dreaming about whales.
They’re really smart...
They're all dead now but most smart people are also dead.
I feel that everyone alive is an imbecile and I feel smart when I use uncommon words…
Do we all become smart when we die?
I mean, when people die we are all like “oh they were so smart.”
So maybe when we die we instantly get much smarter….
and kinder too…
and somehow more significant...
Maybe whales were actually really stupid and that's why they all died?
Or maybe we only matter when we're gone.
Dandelion
Everything needs its own drawer.
It makes little to no sense to have multiple items in the same drawer...
It’s lazy…
There needs to be a linen drawer and a silver drawer and those must be separate.
Otherwise it's incomprehensible chaos.
Sometimes guests put silver in the linen drawer and everything gets tainted….
We don't have any guests.
Maybe if I labeled the drawers it would be easier for people to know what goes where.
12
MTAENY2018
But that should be obvious.

Must I spell out every obvious thing?
Lint
…
Listener
Lint stares out in silence.
Some people have nothing to say.
Lint
I’m Lint!
Listener
Go ahead Lint.
Lint
I can't
Listener
I know.
Lint
I’m sorry
Listener
Actually sorry?
Lint
What does that mean?
Listener
Are you actually sorry?
Lint
No
Listener
Then why apologize?
Lint
Because I’m obligated
Listener
Do you believe that?
Lint
No
13
MTAENY2018
Listener
Then why say that?
Lint
I don’t know
Listener
Yes you do
Lint
Why is this so hard?
Listener
It doesn't have to be
Lint
What should I say?
Listener
How do you feel?
Lint
Empty
Listener
Very good
Lint
Can I smile now?
Listener
No, that defeats the purpose of your last statement.
Lint
What purpose?
Listener
None
Dandelion
Tuft!
There is silver in the linen drawer again!
I need your help!
Tuft
I’d rather fuck the homeless!
14
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
That's unkind
Tuft
Fuck yo face
Wisp
Shhhh…
You keep waking me up.
Lint
Often and suddenly.
Listener
Camera pans to a confused audience but there are no cameras in the theater and no one is watching.
End of scene one.
Failed playwright exits the theater.
A wasted education.
Lint walks to the front of the lighted area.
Or rather the window.
SCENE 2- HAPPENSTANCE
Lint
I don't feel well.
Listener
Do we need to stop?
Lint
No
Listener
Okay
Lint
I am going to get a new job today
Listener
Lint hates his job.
It is an appropriate job that pays a decent wage and gives him plenty of free time.
Lint
I wonder what new jobs are available!
Listener
He reads the comics section in a printed newspaper from 1988
15
MTAENY2018
Lint
This is fun!
Listener
But he doesn't find a job.
Lint
I should go to work
Listener
Lint is already dressed because he sleeps in his work clothes.
Lint
It's more convenient
Listener
He grabs an empty briefcase
Lint
I like how it looks
Listener
But nobody ever looks.
Lint
This briefcase is my friend
Listener
A friend who gives him nothing.
Lint
I am lonely, maybe I will go on a date tonight.
Listener
But Lint will probably commit suicide.
Lint
Or read the comics.
Listener
Or go on a date?
Lint
Or read the comics
Listener
16
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Lint leaves the lighted area that people are watching.

Wisp is playing in her garden.
Something happens in the lighted area to illustrate a change of place.
Wisp
Nothing happened
Listener
Carl the stagehand didn't come to work today
Wisp
Why?
Listener
We couldn't afford him
Wisp
Why?
Listener
Because we are irrelevant
Wisp
Really?
Listener
Please don't ask so many questions.
Wisp
Why?
Listener
Because you are a child
Wisp
So?
Listener
That's frowned upon.
Like wilted greens.
Wisp
I don't like salad
Listener
I wasn't talking about salad
Wisp
17
MTAENY2018
Sorry
Listener
What are you doing?
Wisp
Day dreaming
Listener
Why?
Wisp
Because my garden is dead…
Listener
What garden?
Wisp
Carl didn't bring it
Listener
… I see.
You confuse me.
Wisp
That's why people say I choose to be alone
Listener
Because you're confusing?
Wisp
No.
Because I see the garden that isn't there.
Listener
But it's dead
Wisp
It's still my garden.
Listener
Silence as the meaningless audience ponders the significance of that statement...
If any can be found.
Wisp slowly turns to stare at the audience and cocks her head to the side almost as if she thought those
watching were stupid….
Wisp
Imbecile?
18
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Listener
Cue a silence that matters not.
An offended Lint enters from somewhere not currently in the lighted area.
Lint
Fudge you!
Wisp
What?
Lint
You just called me an imbecile!
Wisp
No I didn't
Lint
I just heard you
Wisp
Is this how we meet?
Listener
Sure.
Lint/Wisp
Fudge/Fuck you!
Listener
Some would consider this cute.
Wisp
Why?
Lint
Why what?
Wisp
I'm not talking to you
Lint
I'm the only one here
…
I’m Lint!
Wisp
19
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Hi stranger.
I don't think you’re an imbecile.
I think the people watching are
Listener
While both quietly judging self and other
Wisp
I think you're mean but I like your briefcase.
Lint
It's empty but for lots of pencils!
Wisp
Why?
Lint
Because carrying it makes me feel important
Wisp
I'm unimportant and short
Lint
I’m sorry I was mean.
i was confused by you because I think you're pretty.
Wisp
Men like short girls because it makes them feel tall
Lint
I was born with long legs to make up for my small torso
Listener
...
Semi-pleasant awkward silence follows as the two fight back smiles of recognition.
Lint
I'm Lint!
Wisp
Hi Lint.
Listener
They will not fall in love
Wisp
I'm Wisp!
20
MTAENY2018
Lint
I'm sorry for saying fudge you to you before I knew your name
Wisp
I hated you without context
Lint
You should apologize too, you were also rude
Wisp
I can't force feelings
Lint
I can
Wisp
Really?
Lint
Often and suddenly
Listener
Audience sinks into their uncomfortable chairs and wonders when a good moment to leave will arise.
It’s two for one bowling night tonight down at Jerry's Fun Fun Alley and smokey breath Donna and the two shot
gang will be there.
It’s still happy hour….
Change of pace.
Lights maybe change.
Wisp
We aren't done
Listener
Something might happen to the set depending on how much money the failed playwright spent on the
production.
Lint
She said we are not done
Wisp
I don't need a hero
Listener
The common marriage enters
Lint
I was just trying to help
21
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Tuft
Fuck off the stage!
Wisp
Bum dee bum
Listener
SCENE 3: MEMORY.
Tuft and Dandelion sit on something representing a couch.
They drink corked wine.
They speak but never see.
Tuft
Do you remember our first kiss?
Dandelion
I'm watching something
Tuft
There's nothing
Dandelion
Shhh
...
Tuft
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Dandelion
Yes dear.
Tuft
Do you remember our first kiss?
Dandelion
Yes.
Tuft
That was a nice evening
Dandelion
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MTAENY2018
I thought you were a sloppy kisser
Tuft
Nice
Dandelion
Anytime
Tuft
I fucked your best friend the day before
Dandelion
Nice
Tuft
Anytime
Dandelion
Did you think I was a good kisser?
Tuft
Don't remember.
I was drunk
Dandelion
Naturally
Tuft
How was I sloppy?
Dandelion
You sucked on my cheek at one point
Tuft
Gross
Dandelion
Yup
Tuft
You tried to give me a hand job
Dandelion
But you couldn't get it up
Tuft
I liked you
23
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
I liked you too
Tuft
I threw up that night
Dandelion
I cried myself to sleep
Tuft
Maybe it wasn't a good night
Dandelion
It was
Tuft
How?
Dandelion
I felt alive
Tuft
Me too
Dandelion
I love you
Tuft
I’m sorry
Dandelion
Me too
Listener
They continue to stare out and drink slowly.
....
Dandelion
Can I watch my show now?
Tuft
There's nothing there
Dandelion
I play it in my head
Tuft
24
MTAENY2018
Fine
Dandelion
Thanks
Listener
Dandelion hums a theme song from her favorite sitcom.
Dandelion
Hmm Hmmm Hmmm HMMM!!
Hmm Hmm Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Listener
Moving picture shows don't exist anymore.
But Dandelion could still watch them in her head.
It upset Tuft.
Like most things.
Tuft
I'm gonna go masturbate
Dandelion
Don't make a mess.
Listener
Lights fade.
Tuft plays with his droopy penis but he does not ejaculate.
It has been years since he was able to release any kind of tension.
Tuft
Goddammit!
Listener
Dandelion silently likes this
Dandelion
Ha!
Listener
Silently
Dandelion
...ha...
Listener
Lights come up on a new scene but the lighted area looks exactly the same.
We are supposed to imagine that Lint and Wisp are sitting by a creek.
It is meant to be cute and romantic but instead it feels forced and contrived.
25
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SCENE 4: FUCKING BY THE CREEK
Lint
Do you believe in love?
Wisp
Yes
Lint
Have you ever been in love?
Wisp
No
Lint
So why do you believe in it?
Wisp
Because I think others have been in love
Lint
What do you think that feels like?
Wisp
Unhealthy
Lint
Why?
Wisp
Because love is obsessive and possessive
Lint
How do you know?
Wisp
I don't.
But that's what one armed Carl said
Lint
The stagehand?
Listener
Yes, a tertiary character we will sometimes talk about
Wisp
but never meet
26
MTAENY2018
Listener
but never meet.
Lint
He sounds irrelevant
Wisp
He is
Listener
We all are
Wisp
One armed Carl fell in love with this guy Joaquin but he was very possessive
Lint
Is Joaquin...
Listener
Irrelevant?
Lint
Yes
Listener
Yes.
Yes he is.
Lint
How was he possessive?
Wisp
He locked one armed Carl up in his house and used to force himself on him
Lint
That's horrible
Wisp
And common
Lint
Has anyone ever forced themselves on you?
Wisp
Yes
Lint
Who?
27
MTAENY2018
Wisp
Everyone....
In their own way.
But it's my fault
Lint
Why?
Wisp
Because I believe in love
Lint
That doesn't make any sense
Wisp
Do you want to fuck me?
Lint
No!
Wisp
You can if you want to
Lint
Really?
Wisp
No
Lint
Oh.
Then why say that?
Wisp
Because I want you to imagine fucking me
Lint
Well, I am not
Wisp
Liar
Listener
Lint had never been with a human.
He hated his penis.
Lint
28
MTAENY2018
It’s like a part of my insides ended up on the outside.
Wisp
What?
Lint
My penis
Wisp
I hate sex
Lint
Me too even though I've never had it
Wisp
I don't want you to fuck me
Lint
I won't
Wisp
Unless it's really important to you
Lint
It's not
Listener
Lint felt his penis suddenly become erect.
Wisp noticed but didn't mind.
She was wondering what popcorn would taste like with ranch dressing.
Wisp
Why didn't you go to work today?
Lint
Because I wanted to hang out with you
Wisp
Was it worth it?
Lint
Yes
Wisp
I disagree but I don't work so I have no comparison
Lint
Do you want me to leave?
29
MTAENY2018
Wisp
No.
Lint
I still feel alone
Wisp
But we are together
Lint
Together alone
Listener
A long silence follows.
We hear, nay imagine, the sound of water trickling and trees rustling. Sounds not heard since long ago.
Lint
I am going home now
Wisp
Okay
Lint
Can we hang out again?
Wisp
If you want to
Lint
What do you want?
Wisp
To save the whales
Lint
They are all dead
Listener
There are indeed no more whales
Wisp
Then I wish to die alone
Lint
Soon?
30
MTAENY2018
Wish
Eventually.
Lint
Congrats!
Wisp
Eventually.
Listener
A dead man walks across the lighted area
Tuft
I’m still alive
Listener
Theoretically
Tuft
My nipples are sore
Listener
Your nipples have rotted away
Tuft
Fuck yo face
Listener
The dead man leaves. Lint looks confused.
Lint
What was that?
Wisp
What?
Lint
That
Wisp
What?
Lint
That
Wisp
Goodnight
31
MTAENY2018
Lint
I am not sleepy
Wisp
Lint.
Look.
This is important.
I really need you to respect my wishes
Lint
Ok.
Bye bye new friend!
Listener
Lint leaves.
Wisp
Friend?
Listener
Wisp stares at the audience for an uncomfortable amount of time.
Wisp
Imbecile.
LISTENER
Wisp naps in the lighted area
Dandelion enters, we are in a new scene now
SCENE FIVE: MOM JOKES
Dandelion puts a bottle of wine in the microwave.
DANDELION
Where is it?
LISTENER
What?
DANDELION
The microwave
LISTENER
Hold please.
…
…
…
…
32
MTAENY2018
LISTENER
Carl took it
DANDELION
Why?
LISTENER
For his daughter's lean cuisine
DANDELION
I need it. Why did you let him take it?
LISTENER
Because he can’t afford one
DANDELION
Why?
LISTENER
Because we don’t pay him
DANDELION
How will I warm my wine?
LISTENER
Sit on it.
DANDELION
Ok
LISTENER
Dandelion sits on the bottle hoping to warm it
DANDELION
When my mom died, she left me this fancy bottle of wine. It was her mother’s. She left a note with it. The note
said “My dearest Dandelion, when my mother passed she left me this bottle of extravagant wine that was her
mother’s. I was always saving it for a special occasion but nothing was ever special enough to merit opening
something that had been passed down for two generations. I leave this to you for I know you are capable of
amazing things and one day this will be the myrrh for true celebration. After all, wine only gets better with age.
Love, Dead Mom.”
Listener
Profound and charged with baggage
DANDELION
When I graduated college I thought of opening the wine but it didn’t seem like the right time. When I got my first
my job, same. When I got married, same. Made a million dollars. Went to the moon. Cured tit flu. Perfected
lobotomy. Nothing. Just nothing seemed worth it.
33
MTAENY2018
Listener
Profound and charged with sadness
DANDELION
Tuft wanted a baby.
Tuft
I WANT A BABY!
Dandelion
I said no.
Tuft
Goddammit!
Dandelion
We got in a fight. I removed my ovaries while he was sleeping with a tiny scalpel. I then went downstairs and
opened my great grandmother’s wine. I felt a mixture of guilt for opening something so precious and precious
that I was both pissing off my husband and earning my freedom while about to taste probably the greatest wine
on earth. I opened it. It made a satisfying popping sound.
Listener
Profound pop
DANDELION
I smelled it. It smelled all things fancy. Currant and leather and clove with a dash of berries and pepper. I
poured myself a glass. I wet my lips in anticipation.
Listener
Profound and charged with expectation
Dandelion
It was then that I tasted the worst wine. Vinegar and cat urine. Acetone and pimple pus. Testicle sweat and
vomit after a bag of cheetos.
Listener
Profound shock of shocks and gasp of gasps
Dandelion
The next day I saw a wine expert man. I asked him why the wine was so bad. If it was too old or had been
improperly kept. He asked to see the bottle. I showed it to him. He laughed and asked if I was joking. I said no
with deep indignation.
Listener
Profound indignation
34
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
Wine expert man said that this was the cheapest, shittiest wine one can buy. He himself won’t even use it as
cooking wine. I took the bottle and ran home in tears. Everything I thought I knew was a lie.
Listener
House of lies
Dandelion
The women in my family had held on to potty water and honored it without knowing it was worthless and
useless. On top of that it had spoilt.
Listener
Spoils of a war no one wanted
Dandelion
When I got home I poured myself a bath. I lit some candles. And I sat in the tub and I drank it. All of it. I gagged
and swallowed and gagged and swallowed and drank till I vomited.
Listener
Red red vomit
Dandelion
I finished the bottle. And now I won’t drink wine unless it’s cheap, bad, and spoilt.
Listener
Profound profoundness
Dandelion
When one stops caring nothing tastes better than dissatisfaction.
Listener
And scene. Drama. Trauma. Shame. Regret.
SCENE 6: COOKIES AND CLEAN
Dandelion opens her warm wine and chugs, she walks to the front of the lighted area and grabs a six pack of
beer
Dandelion
This is mine but I brought you cookies.
Listener
Dandelion hands out room temperature PBRs to an unimpressed audience
Dandelion
Yum, yum, yum, DELICIOUS!
Listener
35
MTAENY2018
Wisp awakens
Wisp
Can I have one?
Dandelion
NEIGHBOUR!
Wisp
Can I have one?
Dandelion
PLEBE!
Wisp
Can I have one?
Dandelion
Yes, but only if you help me polish your silver
Wisp
You stole all my silver
Dandelion
Then no
Wisp
Okay
Listener
Wisp curls up in a ball and rocks back and forth.
Dandelion licks a lukewarm PBR can and offers it to a disinterested audience member.
Dandelion
Clean clean clean!
Wisp
Eeeee ooooooo
Eeeeee oooooo
Eeeee ooooo
Dandelion
What are you doing?
Wisp
Making whale sounds.
Dandelion
36
MTAENY2018
Why?
Wisp
It helps me fall back asleep
Dandelion
I like whales
Listener
Wisp shoots up like an atheist child on Christmas morning
Wisp
Really!
Dandelion
Yes, I have the very best silver polish made from whale tears
Wisp
But the whales are all dead
Dandelion
I have a secret stash
Wisp
I want to help polish!
Listener
Dandelion pulls out two spoons from her breasted area and an eyedrop container.
Wisp eagerly grabs a spoon.
Wisp
Yay!
Listener
Dandelion squirts a single drop on her spoon.
Wisp swoons with the spoon.
Dandelion
Now, make sure you get every little stain out.
Wisp
Ok!
Listener
They sit for a while eating cookies and polishing their spoons with their dresses.
Except they aren’t wearing dresses.
They stare at each other while doing this.
They never blink.
37
MTAENY2018
They smile false smiles.

Wisp begins to twitch.
Wisp
Question!
Dandelion
Yes dear?
Wisp
Why did the whales die?
Dandelion
From the polish, you silly bottom feeder.
Wisp
From harvesting their tears?
Dandelion
No no no, my stunted child.
We got their tears from their deaths.
Wisp
Nope.
Confused.
Dandelion
Oh tiny cabbage tits, let me talk down to you as I explain.
The silver polish we were making was poisoning the whales.
They started to cry.
So we made new more expensive polish from their dying tears.
Then the whales all dried out from their poisoned eyes and died.
Listener
Wisp froze.
Said nothing.
Did nothing.
Felt nothing.
Dandelion
Clean clean clean!
Listener
Dandelion takes the spoon from Wisp and places it in her breasted area.
Wisp
I’m sleepy.
38
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
Then sleep my dear,
You breathing pile of excrement.
Listener
Wisp falls asleep.
Dandelion walks up to a yawning audience.
Dandelion
I’ll need you to polish those cookies when you’re done drinking them.
Listener
Dandelion leaves the lighted area.
SCENE 7: THE PLOT
Carl enters holding an obnoxiously large set piece in his working arm's arm and sets it in the middle of the
lighted area.
Carl did not come to work today.
Nothing happens.
SCENE 8: PENCILS, MURDER AND TUBAS
Lint enters the lighted area.
We are in his office though nothing symbolises this.
Lint opens his empty briefcase
Lint
Time to work, so much to do!
Listener
But lint has nothing to do as he has no direction from his employer.
Lint
I’ve never met my boss
Listener
Because he is too important to be relevant.
Lint
My mom says I’m a plebian
Listener
Lint takes out a pencil and sharpens it for a long time.
Lint
All done!
That was a long day.
I need a beer after work with the lads.
Listener
But Lint doesn’t really drink beer and the lads don’t acknowledge his existence.
39
MTAENY2018
Lint packs up his suitcase.
Lint
My only friend.
Listener
Lint starts the long walk home but spends a long time wandering aimlessly through the streets.
Lint
I’m being healthy by taking the long way home.
Listener
But he walks the long way home because nothing awaits him at home.
Lint
Just me and my briefcase!
Listener
Lint finds himself outside of Wisp’s house.
He suddenly feels a warmth in his heart and calls out to her.
Lint
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Listener
Wisp groggily enters the lighted area.
Wisp
Hi Lint
Lint
Hi friend!
Wisp
Friend?
Lint
Oh.
Acquaintance?
Wisp
Acquaintance
40
MTAENY2018
Lint
Plebe
Listener
Lint felt his heart warmishness turn lukewarm
Lint
How as your day?
Wisp
I had cookies and polished some silver.
Then my neighbour made my heart feel empty.
Lint
I polished a pencil!
Do you want it?
Wisp
No thanks
Listener
Lint felt his lukewarm heart turn cold
Lint
I am going to have a party tomorrow, it’s my briefcase’s birthday.
Want to come?
Wisp
No thanks, I’ll be too sleepy tomorrow.
Listener
Lint’s heart withered and died.
Lint
Well, it happens every year so maybe next year!
Wisp
Okay Lint, I’m going to go back to bed now and forget.
Lint
Ok!
Listener
Tuft enters in a sudden rage holding spoons over his eyes
Tuft
41
MTAENY2018
These are clean. Fucking choo-choo train cunting clean.
Listener
Now in all fairness they are clearly still very dirty
Dandelion
Dirty dirty spoon
Can't be clean too soon
So in love with shiny bits
Won't you let me swoon
Wisp
I'm tired
Listener
Lint pokes Tuft in the stomach
Lint
Hi new friend!
Tuft
Punch face!
Listener
Lint is punched in the face
Lint
No I'm not
Tuft
I can't see
Dandelion
Dirty dirty spoon
Tuft
Punch face
Listener
Lint suddenly collapses on the ground
Lint
no I don't
Wisp
42
MTAENY2018
Sleeeeeeep sleeeeeep sleeeeeeep sleeeeep!
Lint
I’m thirsty
Tuft
My nipples are raw
Dandelion
Dirty dirty spoon
Listener
I have lost control of the play.
Please hold.
Spotlight on an old radio!
Whispers. But there are no lights.
The audience thinks this old radio will play a song but instead a live musician will sweep onto the lighted area
and gallantly wow them.
Musician play.
If a musician was hired they will now play a thirty second diddy.
The term diddy itself will greatly insult the musician.
If no musician was hired or if music no longer exists then we shall sit in silence for thirty seconds.
Proceed.
….
….
Lint
The Box does not utter any semblance nor inkling of sound.
Lint
Hi! I'm lint
Tuft
Punch face
Listener
Lint collapses
43
MTAENY2018
Lint
Unprovoked violence
Tuft
Fuck yo face!
Listener
Lights out.
A pbr is thrown at the audience.
There was cheaper beer available but this was more insulting.
End of scene.
SCENE NEXT- WHITEPHOBIA
Tuft
My nipples are raw
Listener
Because you've sucked them dry
Tuft
Oh Whitey. Whitey. Why have you forsaken me?
Listener
You give and you give and you give
Tuft
And I take and they take and she takes!
Listener
Precisely
Tuft
I’m out of milk
Listener
You had none to give
Tuft
Yet she starves
Listener
I won't kill you
Tuft
But
Listener
We hear a gunshot….
44
MTAENY2018
I make a gunshot sound.

Boom….
Dandelion is dead.
Dead woman dead.
Othering death.
Death by a thousand insults.
INTERMISSION
Except we don't have one.
Audience laments the ability to leave and text their cast member friends about an imaginary emergency that
pulled them away at intermission.
No one gets the “you were so great, so funny, you're a star” text.
Failed Playwright reenters the theater, MY, liquor on their breath!
He has a friend!
A strange traveller approaches me from the audience seated area and enters the now all vacant lighted area...
vacant, but for me.
NONSCENE IN MIDDLE BIT
Traveller
Hello?
LISTENER
He is alone
Traveller
Who's that?
LISTENER
All alone…. Muahahahaha hahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Lint
Hi! I'm Lint!
LISTENER
You are not supposed to be in this scene! Wait, this is not a scene. Nono, nono, no no, no. NoNono....No… ….
No. What's happening?!? Listener, astoundingly confused, leaves the lighted area.
Lint
Hi! I'm Lint!
Traveler
Good afternoon Mr. Lint.
Lint
What's your name?
Traveler
I am but a weary wondering wandering traveler.
45
MTAENY2018
Lint
You sound like the guy from those old "TurboGreen E-FILE TODAY!" ads.
Traveller
We have no radio now. We are lost.
Lint
I make mouth noises to keep me company
Boom da boom da boom da dee dee
Boom da bum boom da boom
Boom da bum boom da boom
Traveller
That's quite enough Mr. Lint.
Lint
Ah! Not friendly.
Traveller
I am but a bag of crabs.
Lint
Cool. I'm human.
Traveler
No no Mr Lint. You don't know that.
Lint
Why?
Traveler
Pitiful placiduos plebe. Your tiny mind. How curious. You see, I don't know you're a human.
Lint
But I told you I was. Am I not a believable person?
Traveler
And you don't know I'm not a bag of crabs
Lint
But you're not
Traveler
WRONG!
Lint
You're kind of rude mister
46
MTAENY2018
Traveler
You can't prove shit Mr. Lint. That's the point.
You hear one thing
and there you go
It's suddenly a truth.
But no one really asks if it's just a fucking morose lie?
Nono, Nono, no, no..
They belieeeeeve
Cause it's easier, Mr. Lint.
Lint
Sure is, strange man!
Traveler
RIGHT!
So let's say that
in truth
you are truly
a human,
though I have my doubts,
and let's say that
in truth
I am truly
a bag of crabs,
Lint
Crabs?!?
Traveler
Yes! Mr. Lint.
Now, let's say you object.
Lint
Object?
Traveler
Object.
Traveler
Now, let's say you object
and question,
the validity
of my
bagness
crabness
47
MTAENY2018
Lint
How?
Traveler
Just ask me, Mr. Lint
Am I a bag of crabs?
Lint
Are you a bag of crabs?
Traveler
I am but I am but I am am am
Lint
What? Prove it
Traveler
I can't
Lint
But...
Traveler
Butuhtuhtuhtuh tuh tuh
No Mr. Lint, you can't!
Just like you can't prove to me that you're human!
Lint
Human!
Traveler
Human?
No nononononono
No one can prove a thing
A thing
No one can say a thing
A thing
No one can state a thing
A thing
That we can prove is true
That's true
Liars and cheats and flasehood makers
Don't have the guts to admit
That they're bullshit takers
It's all lies, Mr. Lint
It's all lies
Lint
48
MTAENY2018
Is this a song?
Traveler
It can be.
Mr. Lint.
Lint
Okay!
LISTENER
LISTENER SHOUTS FROM OFFLIGHT WHILE LOOKING FOR NEW FUCKING SCRIPT: LINT BEGINS TO
MAKE MOUTH NOISES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER HEARD OF BEATBOXING BUT IS
INVENTING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE DOES THIS IN THE LIGHTED AREA AS TRAVELER SOMEWHAT
TONALLY MUSES OVER HIM
Traveler
We are but crabs Mr. Lint
But crabs
Just a bag of dying crabs
Gasping for air at every moment
Longing to live for just that moment
We are crabs Mr. Lint
crabs!
A dirty old bag of crabs
And no one can dispute it
Because I do salute it
And no one DARE defy me again!
Not after all I've been through
Shit I've seen through
Lies and death
And lies and death
And lies and death
So much death
They burned
Everyone I knew got burned
Or sick
Or shot
Or taken like a burden
A burden on man
And now I see
I can't be me
Cause living me
And being me
Would mean I lived
Past the darkness and hardness and rage
The pain and the screaming, the gleaming of the victor's praise
I can't admit who I was
A plebe
49
MTAENY2018
A thief
A virtuous Alpha
An Alpha
So Alpha
Who gathered plenty of praise
Basked in the chase of said praise
For his voice
My voice
His voice
My voice. Sold. Lies.
Lies.
Lies upon lies upon lies
And as I evicted
Never was I conflicted
And as I ate the dead
The dead
Yes, the dead
I never once questioned one single bit of it
So I'm a liar all the same
And I can't fathom whom to blame
So I look to the sky and I ask
Why do I live?
Who even am I?
What even am I?
I have no purpose
But yet I live?
I cause so much pain
And so many
So many
Yes many
Good
Decent
Putrid
People
Died
But I live
For no propose
No purpose at all
But I live
Live
And for what?
...
So I am human?
And for what?
What?
…
What is human?
What is life?
50
MTAENY2018
Maybe it's all in my head

And I believe what I choose to believe
So yes
No one can dispute it
And I never do I dilute it
That I
Mr. Lint
I am but a bag of crabs
Just crabs
Just a bag of dying crabs
Gasping for air at every moment
Longing to live for just that moment
We are crabs Mr. Lint
crabs!
A dirty old bag of crabs
And no one can dispute it
Because I do salute it
And no one can say I don't know shit
Cause I lived it motherfuckers
And I'm done
I can be what I want!
It's my goddamn reality!
Let me fantasia my way to my own sense of sanity!
It's my art motherfucker
And I don't live in denial
But my truth
My very own truth
As a bag of duck fucking crabs
Just crabs
A bag of fucking crabs!
MISTER LINT!
Lint
I think you can be whatever you want to be sir, Mr? Crab?
Traveler
My intention is my reality. So yes, crab, Mr. Lint, Mr. Killian Crab.
...
I seek peace Mr. Lint,

peace.
Just peace Mr. Lint,
peace.
I seek....
Carl.
Lint
51
MTAENY2018
The stagehand?
Traveler
Carl. The visionary. The gate.
He knows the way.
Lint
Hot pockets Carl?
Traveler
Carl, once a Carlos, soon to be a Charles,
He who knows of a place where we can all go
A place to be free and live a life of whiskey
A Williamsburg I hear
Where people have simply moved on
I heard it on the radio
From some Matty from the Burg
Lint
(Whispers)
Hey man, I think you have a problem
LISTENER
Listener gallantly re-enters the lighted area holding a script, his opus, his mantra, his will!
There it is. I was wrong.Stupid stupid man.
There was a rewrite.
Where were we? You, sir, go away. Traveler leaves the lighted area. Lint is confused. Listener bellows loudly
as the play continues.
SCENE OF SCENES!!!
JOB SATISFACTION IN THE MODERN ERA OF ULTIMATE REPRESSION AND HAMSTERWHEELING
Lint enters, eh becomes, full of life and wild abandon
Lint
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN!
I AM WRITING THIS TO YOU ON THIS BELOVED DAY OF OUR LORD IN THE HOPES THAT YOU WILL
CONSIDER MY CONSIDERATION OF SEEKING SATISFACTORY EMPLOYMENT AT YOUR FIRM OF
FIRMS AS AN EQUAL POSSIBLE CO-CONSPIRATOR SEEKING THE ULTIMATE OPPORTUNITY TO
PROUDLY PLEDGE MY UNDYING LOYALTY TO A POSITION IN EXCHANGE FOR FRITO CHIP MONEY
AND AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME OFF IN CASE I GET DUCK FLU AND NEED TO TAKE THE
APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME TO HEAL MY ACHING BODY BUT AM UNABLE TO TAKE A PAY CUT
BECAUSE HOURLY EMPLOYMENT LEAVES ME FEELING ICKY AND UNBELOVED SO A SALARY
SLAVING TO THE MAN IS IN MY BEST INTEREST I AM GOOD AT BEING ON TIME AND ANKLE
MASSAGES AND I THINK YOUR CAT HAS PRETTY EYES IF YOU OWN A CAT PLEASE CONSIDER MY
CONSIDERATION ETERNALLY YOURS AND WITH DEEPEST GRATITUDE AND NEVER ENDING STORY
LOVE LINT LINTSTOFELES
SENT!
Listener
52
MTAENY2018
Tuft swoops in full of life and wild abandon
Tuft
Swoop
Listener
The job interview begins
Round 1
Tuft
I HEAR YOU SEEK FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT AT MY FIRM OF FIRMS
Lint
I AM UNSATISFIED WITH MY CURRENT POSITION
Tuft
WHAT MAKES YOU A GOOD CANDIDATE?
Lint
MY MOTHER SAYS I AM TOO STUPID TO EVER BREAK THE RULES
Tuft
YOUR MOTHER IS EGG SHAPED
Lint
YES FROM GOUT
Tuft
I LOVE GOUT SEND ME YOUR RESUME
Listener
Round 2
Lint gives Tuft a sheet of paper with a stick figure on it
Lint
YOU SEEK AND I PROVIDE
Tuft
THIS IS NOT A RESUME IT’S A CHILD’S DRAWING
Lint
SIR! I AM NO CHILD!
Tuft
THIS IS POORLY DRAWN AND A DIRECT AFFRONT ON MY TIME AND CONSIDERATION
Lint
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT A RESUME IS
53
MTAENY2018
Tuft
WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?
Lint
FALLING IN LOVE EASILY
Tuft
WE HAVE NO NEED FOR THAT SKILLSET AT THE FIRM OF FIRMS
Lint
I DO NOT ENJOY BEING REJECTED
Tuft
HAVE YOU EVER MURDERED ANYONE?
Lint
I HAVE NOT TO THE BEST OF MY VERY POOR MEMORY
Tuft
I RECENTLY MURDERED MY WIFE, YOU MAY RETURN FOR A FINAL INTERVIEW
Listener
Round 3!
Lint wears an imaginary tie and makes his hair all fancy like
Lint
GOOD AFTERNOON
Tuft
HELLO, MY LAST CANDIDATE TRIED TO MILK ME BUT MY NIPPLES HAVE NO MILK
Lint
I DON’T MILK STRANGE MEN
Tuft
CAN YOU SHARPEN MY PENCIL?
Lint
I AM EXCELLENT AT THAT
Tuft
YOU’RE HIRED!
Lint
HUZZAH! WOOP! WOOP!
54
MTAENY2018
Tuft
KISS ME
Lint
OK
Listener
They smash their faces together!
Butts are grabbed!
Lint
I DO NOT LOVE YOU I AM UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS WORK ENVIRONMENT
Tuft
DO YOU NOT ENJOY MY BUTTCHEEKS?
Lint
I FEEL SHAME AND SADNESS
Tuft
THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT
Lint
I SHALL RETURN TO MY PAST EMPLOYER
Tuft
I HAVE ENJOYED WORKING WITH YOU, YOU HAVE BEEN A VALUABLE ASSET TO OUR TEAM, I WISH
YOU ALL THE BEST IN ALL YOUR FUTURE ENDEAVOURS
Lint
GOOD DAY
Tuft
GOOD DAY
Listener
End of a failed work culture
Lint deunfancifies his hair and exits
ANOTHER SCENE
Tuft grabs his own buttcheeks and feels sadness
Tuft
Buttcheek sadness
Listener
The ghost of his dead wife appears
Dandelion
55
MTAENY2018
I haunt you now.
Listener
Dandelion hides to torment her oppressor.
Tuft
Honey, is that you?
Do I hear you on this lonely night?
I so long for your unpleasant voice
Your shrill like scolding
Your silver gaze
My soul aches for you
Arms with nothing to hold
Ears I cannot whisper to
I miss you
Your lips
Your eyes
Your unloving fucked up looking hands
I am sorry that I murdered you.
I sought what I could not love
My heart bleeds and I wish to see you
But if I cannot see your turgid face!
Then I shall see no more!!!
Listener
Tuft, raises a spoon high in the air and then gouges his eyes out with said spoon
Tuft
For in my blindness I can finally see!
Dandelion
Boo!
Tuft
My love!
Is that your wraithlike voice?
Dandelion
I haunt you now.
Tuft
But, I can't see
Dandelion
Sad and useless
Listener
We hear a bloodcurdling scream
56
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
I'd rather not.
Listener
Tuft slowly and painfully bleeds to death from the eyes
Tuft
I love you
Dandelion
Let's do laundry
Tuft
Okay
Listener
They do, blankly staring at the audience as they rub soap on their clothes.
…..
….
…..
Listener
Lights slowly fade out
We hear, nay imagine, Techno music playing in the distance
It grows louder
Lights up on Lint dancing alone with his suitcase.
SCENE SOMETHING- DANCE DANCE DANCE!
Lint
Boom da boom da boom da dee dee dee
Listener
Lint is a terrible dancer
Lint
It's like my feet are testicles
Listener
But Lint’s feet aren't testicles. They are feet.
Lint
I hate dancing alone
57
MTAENY2018
Listener
Do you want to take your life now?
Lint
No, maybe later.
Listener
Lint puts a condom on his briefy briefcase.
It breaks.
Lint
Awww man.
Come onnnn.
Listener
Lint puts lube on his face
Lint
Fudge my face?
Listener
But no one does.
Lint
I'm wholesome
Listener
An irrelevant statement
Lint
I'm lonely
Listener
Wisp enters the lighted area.
She is wearing a party hat.
Wisp
Wanna hang out?
Lint
I'm covered in lube
Wisp
That's okay, I'm covered in impulses
Lint
Wanna fudge my face?
58
MTAENY2018
Wisp
No, I'm here to dance
Listener
They dance.
He from the waist down.
She from the waist up.
Lint
Wisp
Lint
Fun!
Wisp
Distraction!
Lint
Momentum!
Listener
Irrelevance.
They dance for an uncomfortable amount of time.
Wisp
I'm tired
Lint
Me too
Wisp
Wanna make out?
Lint
Does that mean we are compatible as a couple?
Wisp
No, we just make things work for a moment in time.
Lint
I need commitment
Wisp
59
MTAENY2018
I need space and temporary relief
Listener
Disconnect is clear.
But needs outweigh discrepancy.
They share the tiniest kiss. She kisses her finger and places it on his cheek.
Lint
I want to love you
Wisp
I want to run away.
Lint
Can we make out again?
Wisp
Ok
Listener
She tickles him
Wisp
That was fun but now I'm sleepy.
Good night.
Lint
Want to move permanently into my house?
Then we can make out all the time.
Wisp
No thanks
Lint
That makes my heart hurt
Wisp
My heart died with the whales
Lint
Can I mend it?
Wisp
Do you have whales?
Lint
No
60
MTAENY2018
Wisp
Then no
Listener
They stare at each other.
Saddened.
The end is nigh.
Lint
Are we breaking up?
Wisp
No, we aren't together
Lint
Oh
Listener
Disconnect is clear.
They can no longer see each other in the eye.
Wisp
Thanks for dancing with me
Lint
Do you want to dance tomorrow?
Wisp
No thanks.
Listener
Disconnect abounds.
Lint
I really like you
Wisp
I like you too
Listener
He looks at her and screams.
Lint
FEELINGS!
Wisp
Where?
61
MTAENY2018
Lint
In my heart!
Wisp
Want to make out tomorrow?
Lint
Yes please
Wisp
Ok!
Listener
Wisp kisses his cheek and leaves.
Lint dances alone.
…
…
…
Lint
It's not the same...
62
MTAENY2018
Listener
Lint exits the lighted area
SCENE IN THE ABYSS!!!
Tuft and Dandelion are cleaning their clothes with bars of soap
They stare out
Dandelion
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Tuft
Yes, dear.
Dandelion
Thanks for killing yourself on my behalf
Tuft
I bet that makes you giddier than a vegan at market
Dandelion
Vegans are demons in human form
Tuft
For once, my love of loves, we agree
Dandelion
I’m sorry I made you murder us
Tuft
Me too
Dandelion
I’m sorry I removed my ovaries with a tiny scalpel
Tuft
I didn’t know that
Dandelion
Ahhh… Well we can’t have kids
Tuft
That’s okay I would have murdered them
63
MTAENY2018
Listener
Uncomfortable silence.
Dandelion
Soooooo heaven...
Tuft
Is that what this is?
Listener
It is not. It’s essentially soul storage. Like a Manhattan Mini-Storage for souls we don’t have room for.
Tuft
Is this because I’m a suicidal murderer?
Dandelion
And because I’m a selfish two step Debbie?
Listener
No. It’s because you are uninteresting. This is where uninteresting people go.
Tuft
Do I need to keep cleaning my clothes?
Listener
Yes
Tuft
Why?
Listener
Dandelion’s dying wish was an eternity of chores for you.
Dandelion
And I’m just doing it cause its hee-haw fun!
Tuft
I miss my blind motherfucking dog
Listener
He’s in puppy heaven
Tuft
Can I see him?
Listener
No, he is too interesting.
64
MTAENY2018
Tuft
Fuck...yo...face…
Listener
YOU CAN’T! YOU HAVE NO BODY! MHUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dandelion
Tee-hee
Listener
You’ll stay right here in lukewarm musty dimly lit storage.
Tuft
Zip a dee doo dah
Listener
You have a visitor!
Dandelion
Is it my beloved dead mother?
Listener
No. She sold her soul at Tuesday’s bingo game. Her soul has been recycled. She inhabits a chinchilla now.
Tuft
Tee-hee
Listener
No, you have a visitor from the living world. One who has found a secret pathway into your plain of existence, a
deep connection to all things, a medium, a sorcerer, a magic man, a transcendent adventurer capable of
manipulating the very fabric of time of space!
Lint
I WAS BORED AND LONELY AND FELT LIKE MY LIFE HAD NO PURPOSE OR MEANING SO I TOOK A
WHOLE TON OF LSD I FOUND IN A BAGGIE AT THE LAUNDROMAT AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM AN
INTERGALACTIC TRAVELER CAPABLE OF SEEING ALL THINGS PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE I ALSO
WORRY THAT IN MY HEIGHTENED PLAIN OF EXISTENCE THAT MY EARTHLY CARNAL BODY MAY
HAVE POOPED ITSELF BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE IN THE GREAT SCHEME OF THINGS POOP IS BUT
A MOMENT IN TIME THERE IS NO POOP WHAT IS POOP POOP IS ME POOP IS YOU POOP IS THE
LIFEFORCE AND THE VAST NOTHINGNESS I AM VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW I SEE DEAD PEOPLE HI
NEIGHBOURS I’M LINT AND YOU’RE AWESOME
Tuft
What can we help you with?
65
MTAENY2018
Lint
I THINK I MAY KILL MYSELF TOMORROW I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A GIRL AND I FEEL I AM TOO
DEPENDANT ON HER TO PROVIDE HAPPINESS MY EYEBALLS ARE VERY DRY AND MY SKIN IS
GROWING OCTOPUS SUCKERS DISREGARD THAT LAST STATEMENT MY SKIN IS JUST FINE BUT MY
EYEBALLS DO FEEL A BIT DESERT LIKE
Dandelion
You should not kill yourself
Tuft
I mean, look at you, why the fuck not?
Lint
AHA! ARE YOU MY SPIRIT GUIDES NOW? WILL YOU GUIDE ME IN MY TIME OF DEEP SELF
REFLECTION
Tuft
Sure
Dandelion
We’d love to
Lint
OH MAN MY BODY IS TOTALLY STILL POOPING
Tuft
You disgust me
Lint
YOU ARE MY BAD SPIRIT GUIDE AND PRETTY LADY WILL BE MY GOOD SPIRIT GUIDE LET’S PLAY A
GAME OF GAMES BADDIE SOUL YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT LOVE AND GOODIE SOUL
YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HORRIBLE
Dandelion
Honey, I think you have that in reverse
Lint
I AM POWER AND LIGHT AND FRESHLY CUT GRASS I MAKE ALL THE RULES
GOODIE BEGIN
Dandelion
Love requires that someone else be more important than you and overtime you change and one day
Lint
I BEING OF LIGHT AND MAGIC DECREE YOU SPEAK UNTO ME FASTER
Dandelion
Love requires that someone else be
66
MTAENY2018
Lint
FASTER MEANINGLESS BEING OF NOTHINGNESS FASTER BETTER BIGGER STRONGER WHATEVER
KILLS YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER I AM WHAT I AM LIFE IS AN ILLUSION FULL SPEED AHEAD
CAPTAIN ICEBERG UP AHEAD IT’S MY PARTY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO
Dandelion
LOVE REQUIRES THAT SOMEONE ELSE BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU
AND OVERTIME YOU LOSE YOURSELF
AND YOU BECOME SOMEONE YOU DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE
AND THEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR ONE DAY
AND ALL YOU SEE IS RESENTMENT STARING YOU BACK IN THE FACE
AND YOU REALIZE YOU ARE A COMPROMISE
AND A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF
AND YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF
AND IT’S TOO LATE TO CHANGE
AND YOU HATE YOUR PARTNER
AND IT’S ALL YOU
AND YOU SCREAM
“IIIIII DIIIIIIIIIIID THIIIIIIIS TOOOOO MYSEEEEELF!!!!”
Lint
THIS IS AN ACCEPTABLE START BADDIE SOUL GO
Tuft
Love is
Lint
FASTER BETTER BIGGER STRONGER WHATEVER KILLS YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER I’M A BARBIE
GIRL IN A BARBIE WORLD
Tuft
Love is
Lint
I WILL SMITE YOU IN THE METAPHYSICAL TAINT YOU UNRULY BEING OF SHADOW
Tuft
LOVE IS WHAT MAKES YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING
IT IS WHAT GIVES YOU LIGHT AT THE END OF A JOURNEY
IT IS FOOD FOR YOUR ACHING SOUL
WATER FOR YOUR INSATIABLE THIRST
WHEN YOU WAKE EVERY MUNDANE DAY AND THAT SNORING HEAP OF FLESH LAYS NEXT TO YOU
AND YOU SMILE BECAUSE THAT LUMPY BAG OF FROZEN PEAS
GIVES YOU JOY
YOU HAVE SOMETHING WORTH LIVING FOR
67
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
A LIFE THAT FEELS NOT YOUR OWN
A LIFE DEDICATED TO SOMEONE ELSE’S NEEDS
A STATE OF ABSOLUTE REPRESSION
Tuft
A HIGHER PURPOSE EMERGES
AND EVERYTHING FEELS RIGHT
Dandelion
IN ALL THE WRONG WAYS
Lint
JOG ON THE SPOT!
Tuft
YOU LOVE THEIR FUCKED UP LOOKING HANDS
THEIR GNOME LIKE NOSE
THEIR VOMIT COLORED EYES
Dandelion
THEIR HANDSOME FEATURES
MAKES YOU CRINGE AT EVERY TURN
THEIR OH SO PLEASANT SMELL
MAKES YOU GAG
THEIR WITTY WIT WIT HUMOUR
MAKES YOU CHOKE
Lint
PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! RUN SOULIES RUN!
Tuft
THEIR TASTELESS COOKING HAS NO FLAVOR
BUT IT’S DELICIOUS BECAUSE IT WAS MADE JUST FOR YOU
Dandelion
THEIR ADORING WELL MEANING INCREDIBLY LOVING KISSES FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS VACUUMING
OUT YOUR SOUL FROM YOUR ASSHOLE
Tuft
YOU FIND YOURSELF STARING AT THEM FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME FOR NO REASON
THEY FILL YOU UP WITH FEELINGS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
YOU MISS THEM EVEN WHEN THEY ARE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU
Dandelion
YOU CLENCH YOUR JAW AS YOU HEAR THEIR SMOOTHING VOICE ON THE PHONE
YOU PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP WHEN THEY COME HOME LATE AT NIGHT TO AVOID THEM
68
MTAENY2018
Lint
YESSSS!!! YESSSS!!!! MOREEE!!! MOREEEE! FLAIL THEM ARMS BABIES! FLAAAIL!
Tuft
YOU LONG FOR THEIR CELLULITE
YOU YEARN FOR THEIR MORNING BREATH
Dandelion
YOU THROW OUT THEIR THOUGHT OUT PRESENTS
Tuft
YOU WEAR THE HORRID OUTFITS THEY BOUGHT FOR YOU WITH A SMILE
Dandelion
YOU TURN OUT THE LIGHTS IN ROOMS THEY ARE CLEARLY STILL IN
Tuft
YOU TUCK THEM IN AT NIGHT
Dandelion
YOU WAKE THEM WITH A BLENDER EARLY ON A WEEKEND MORNING
Tuft
YOU GIVE
Dandelion
THEY TAKE
Tuft
YOU BLEED
Dandelion
THEY BREAK
Tuft
YOU ARE ONE
Dandelion
YOU ARE NOTHING
Tuft
I FUCKING LOVE YOU
Dandelion
I FUCKING HATE…
I FUCKING HATE…
I…
I…
69
MTAENY2018
I LOVE YOU TOO
Lint
I WANT ALL OF THAT ALL OF IT THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE FUGLY THE SHAME AND THE LAUGHS
THE HATE AND REGRET AND SADNESS OF JOY OF JOYS
Tuft
GO MY SON! FOLLOW YOUR HEART!
Dandelion
GIVE UP EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND RESENT SOMEONE
Tuft/Dandelion
FOREEEEEEVER!!!!
Listener
Lint wakes from his drug trip and his spirit guides quickly vanish
Lint
I know what I want! Briefcase, we are done!
Listener
Lint exits the lighted area holding his poopy pants with a passion of passions, a dramatic exit unlike any ever
seen in the history of the human THEATRE!
We zoom out on a non existent camera to a wide shot of a desolate world
Children screaming, houses ablaze, oceans storming, geese a laying, chaos, anarchy, discontent
We rapidly zoom in on a sleeping Wisp…
Wisp enters the lighted area and lays on the floor
All is quiet.
She is resting.
Peace.
….
…
…
She stirs….
....
…
She is dreaming....
…
...
DREAAAAAAAM SCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE !
70
MTAENY2018
Dandelion
Weeee Oooooo
Weeee Ooooo
Weee Oooooo
Weeeeeee (continued)
Tuft
Arrrghhh
Arrrghhh
Arrrghhh (continued)
Lint
Boom da boom da bom da dee dee deeeeee (continued)
Listener
First they came for the whales and we turned to wine
Then they built walls around our hearts and towns
And we distracted ourselves with self gratification
When we could no longer cum or feel
We turned to distraction
And when it was not enough we demanded connection
They took our shows
And made their own narrative
We buried into whatever escape we could find
And we grew apart
Exhausted by ill news we did not understand
A potted plant cannot grow tall
A caged bird cannot fly free
Cities crumbled, governments fell and we turned to family
But our differences were too great
We grew quiet
And they grew strong
Oceans rose, people drowned, and we slept
Children died in empty arms
And no, we never wept
We found solace in the little things
And lived together alone
Switched jobs,
went on dates,
But found no meaning
The world grew quiet after a deafening storm
(all but Listener go quite quiet)
And we lived on as ghosts,
all alone
Wisp
All alone
71
MTAENY2018
Listener
The final scene
Wisp opens a bottle of pills
Wisp
I’m so sleepy
Listener
I know
Wisp
I need to sleep
Listener
You have a date with Lint
Wisp
I know
Listener
Wisp consumes the entire pill bottle
Lint enters the lighted area
Lint
Where were you?
Wisp
I’m sorry
Lint
Do you want to hang out?
Wisp
Sleep with me
Listener
Wisp hands Lint her favorite thing, a tiny scalpel
Lint
Okay
Wisp
Hurry I’m falling asleep
Lint
Often and suddenly
72
MTAENY2018
Wisp
I like you Lint
Lint
Why did we never fall in love?
Wisp
Because of my apathy
Lint
I can empathize with that
Wisp
Ampathy
Lint
Goodnight Wisp
Wisp
Goodnight Lint, I’ll see you in my dreams
Listener
Lint kisses her forehead
He looks out the window
He holds the tiny scalpel over his wrist
He says
Lint
Ampathy…
That feeling you get when you care so much but can do so little.
To forget.
To distract.
To bury.
To hide.
To sleepless nights that consume you because you cannot take action.
To yearn deeply and do nothing.
To be aware when denial is the only relief.
To care without caring.
To worry without action.
To be.
To live.
To survive.
Yet feel that all is lost.
To wake up every day and hope the glass is half full but long for the empty.
To want to be a hero when you can only be you.
To feel self pity when pity has a greater calling.
To ease into a forever sleep.
To be stoned.
73
MTAENY2018
To be drunk.
To escape.
To masturbate next to your sleeping partner.
To fake being sick.
To know you have it better than the rest but still feel nothing.
To try to be happy while doing the same thing every day.
To stop caring when caring is not enough.
To feel useless.
To drown the screaming voices of pain.
To choose to feel when all is numb.
To say hello when you mean goodbye.
To ask “how are you?” without waiting for the answer.
To say happy anniversary because it's the thing to do.
To hide.
To cower.
To love with your eyes closed.
To not give what you can spare.
To put your needs above others when you know it brings them pain.
To be human.
To be dead with fresh air in your lungs.
To be awake while sleeping.
To accept.
To compromise.
To relinquish.
To hurt.
To fake sing Happy birthday.
To say I'm sorry just to end an argument.
To not answer the door.
To say I miss you when you're alone.
To hit your child when they don't understand.
To weep for the forest by a campfire.
To be thirsty in the shower.
To fire when they ask for a raise.
To ignore debt collectors while buying another round.
To not seeing a doctor when your body is dying.
To holding back a hug to those with open arms.
To persevere.
To walk past the homeless and offer a smile with change jingling in your pocket.
To buying a latte when your neighbor starves.
To scream injustice while knowing you're unjust.
To cheat.
To steal.
To lie.
To embrace.
To eat the last donut.
To shut off your alarm.
To call in sick when you're desperately needed.
To punish those who look up to you.
74
MTAENY2018
To run.
To scream in silence.
To choose to forget to sign the “get well soon” card.
To "forget" to call your mother on her birthday.
To sing in church when you don't believe.
To be selfish when the world needs you.
To shut down when it's painful.
To feel empathy when it stabs.
To embrace apathy when it hurts.
To die.
To live.
To die/live (actors choice)
Ampathy.
Listener
A Wisp, a Tuft, a Lint and a Dandelion, this is their story.
75
Weeding
By Christian De Gré Cárdenas
LISTENER
Reaper woke from a pleasant sleep,
decades long they'd dreamed of fluffy sheep,
REAPER
Hmmm delightful,
sleep without a peep,
I wonder how my garden is,
do its roots run deep?
LISTENER
But then the sudden sound
of banging at the door
Thomp thomp thomp thomp
thomp thomp thomp
REAPER
Who the fuck dares disturb me!
DIABLITO
Diablito bito bito
hey hey hey!
REAPER
No, not today,
no, not today
or I swear I'll rip your face away!
DIABLITO
Open door, we magic to do,
lady muerte on her way.
REAPER
Today's my gardening day, pedantic worm!
DIABLITO
I no get big words,
I no really well made
REAPER
Got it,
sure,
I'll help you comprehend,
Just fuck right off,
shitbend!
I just awoke
and I've got gardening to tend.
LISTENER
Reaper tried to relax,
began humming to themselves
as they put on gardening gloves.
Black and glittery
with cute little scorpions
woven on the palms.
Diablito bito bito,
a scraggly little demon with
barely a goatee,
barely bigger than a stump,
barely even one foot three,
reeking of malicious and delicious boozery,
an odour so peculiar it inspired gaggery.
He weaselled his way
through the tiny little window by Reaper's door
and plopped right there
on Reaper's kitchen floor.
DIABLITO
Sup, Reaper, how was nap?
LISTENER
The tiny little minion smirked,
a broken tooth smile reeking of debris.
Now, so you see,
Reaper stood tall
at a majestic 9 foot three,
gallantly and valiantly glittering and sparkling, in a black and satin blue robe,
a sight to see!
She looked down at Diablito,
this roach upon her floor,
and exclaimed
REAPER
Listen, BITCH!
Insect malaise,
imbecilic vermin who deserves no praise,
let me be as clear as one can be,
I have no time for
parasitic, catalytic,
cenobitic, mucolytic,
troglodytic scum like yee!
DIABLITO
So nap no good?
REAPER
ARRRRGGHHHHHHHH!
LISTENER
A wraithlike scream shattered all glass,
it was heard from Rio to Roma to Rome,
in every single neighborhood
and kindergarten class.
DIABLITO
Buddy, is you mad?
REAPER
I am not your buddy,
now what is it that you want?
DIABLITO
Reaper sound mad
REAPER
No.
Me?
Mad?
Of course not,
my little sweet plebe.
DIABLITO
Yayhay!
REAPER
Come,
give me an embrace,
it's been oh so very long
since I saw your sweet sweet face.
LISTENER
Diablito bito smiled,
with a hopeful twinkle
in his misshapen little eye,
he hobbled up to Reaper
with his arms out wide
and Reaper,
well, they swallowed him whole.
Chomp.
REAPER
Alas peace.
Now to garden.
LISTENER
Reaper made a cup of tea,
REAPER
Oh honey lemon that's for me.
LISTENER
Yet their tummy rumbled
REAPER
Quiet in there,
for I only desire peace.
LISTENER
A ray of sunshine
filled their kitchen space.
And Reaper basked
in the glory of the warmth upon their face.
And danced with their tea a familiar song.
REAPER
Boom da boom da boom
LA MUERTE
Holaaaaaaaaa!
Have you seen the garden?
LISTENER
A teacup shatters.
And Reapers turns.
And there she stood.
And Reaper, well, squirms.
For there she was,
her majesty,
as wide as she was tall,
at 12 foot 3,
and beaming with blissful glee.
LA MUERTE
Buenos dias!
REAPER
No! Nono, nono no no!
I've just now awoken
and it's my gardening day.
Please Lady Muerte,
not today.
LISTENER
In Reapers kitchen,
there death stood,
jovial, full of life,
the gypsy baroness of the underworld.
Tipsy, glitzy, very very fritzy.
A little hungover and drunk all the same.
From brimstone tequila from her everyday. You see Lady death,
La muerte some might say,
was ruler of the dead,
chooser of the fates,
ultimate decider between heaven and hell
and here she stood
on this very very day
to greet Grimm Reaper from their long away. You see,
she had an itsy bitsy matter
to throw their way.
LA MUERTE
Ola ke ase?
REAPER
Fuck.
LA MUERTE
Whatcha drinking?
REPAER
Tea
LA MUERTE
Ewww, guácala,
Where's my Diablito?
REAPER
Surely not inside me.
LA MUERTE
Now now, Reaper,
no seas grocero,
culero,
vieja corajuda,
corajudo maldición.
Diablito is our friend
and he is oh so young
REAPER
Fine…
But he reeks.
LA MUERTE
He's ill made,
A little loose,
Siempre hay un roto para un descosido,
I confess,
He's a mess,
I was a bit high when I conceived him
You get it, yes?
REAPER
Hmmmmm.
You digress.
But I'll oblige,
I guess.
LISTENER
Reaper placed theirs hands
inside their very own throat
and went
deeper
and deeper
and deeper
and deeper
and deeper into themselves.
And yanked.
A hairballesque creature
at barely one foot three
tumbled out of Reaper's mouth
and giggled with glee.
DIABLITO
Hehehe!
Is nasty inside.
I sticky with honey.
LA MUERTE
Hay mi Diablito!
Ven con tu mamita, mijito!
DIABLITO
They ate bito bito.
They no nice.
LA MUERTE
Ya lo sé.
Probrecito.
REAPER
Rancid little vermin is not worth the appetite.
LISTENER
A goopy goopy goop
laid plopping in the floor.
But
Yet he smiled his toothless smile.
DIABLITO
Now we tell mean Reaper job they do?
LA MUERTE
Hay Diablito!
You so so bad!
You sexy little beast patience should be had,
Give Reaper a moment to wake and then
I assure you
they will see,
what awaits outside.
REAPER
With all due respect,
lady of the dead,
I intend to merely garden for most of my day.
LA MUERTE
Claro! Of course!
I'm just here to help you pick,
to advise you,
and to guide you,
point in the right direction one might say,
you see lots has changed
since you last went away.
REAPER
Is my garden okay?
LA MUERTE
Yes.
But no.
It is teeming with life
but well,
we have a problemita
one might say
REAPER
Do the roots go deep?
DIABLITO
Haha they no know cause they were sleeping since last, uh, since last, uh, what is word, uh, uh, since
last uh, uh, what, uh, uh
REAPER
Purge.
DIABLITO/LADY MUERTE
Purge!
REAPER
It was a purge.
A relentless, brutal purge,
And I got so very tired of weeding.
DIABLITO/LADY MUERTE
Weeding!
REAPEE
Weeding.
You remember that
I trimmed and I trimmed and I trimmed some more
and you promised me you'd take care of it
Once I slept.
It exhausted me.
Ravished me.
Made me oh so sleepy and so very upset.
LADY MUERTE
Si claro. I know. Ya lo sé.
And I tried.
We tried.
But I'll break it to you my dear old friend.
In our garden,
REAPER
My garden.
LA MUERTE
Our garden
REAPER
MY GARDEN
LA MUERTE
That's subjective.
Be objective.
REAPER
What's the problem?
DIABLITO
We has weeds.
REAPER
Weeds!?!?
LA MUERTE
Nothing but weeds.
REAPER
Weeds?
DIABLITO
Weeds!
LA MUERTE
Muchísimas weeds
REAPER
Weeds.
I see.

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MTAENY2020

"Sappy tales for a frozen heart"

(Blackout, thunder. 7 days later)

(Banging on the door)

Oh yeah, Carlos is fucking Carl now, right

It’s not really for you to understand.

Love is but an empty word

SCENE 2- ICE COLD

Yeah. 100%. This is where I belong. In limbo.

Wow, thanks for noticing.

(exhales deeply) This is why she left you.

That's crass and inaccurate.

You guys had your moments. Remember Veracruz?

Yeah-okay-maybe-yeah. Okay. Ages ago. When I cared.

Maybe that's the problem.

…You made her leave.

What do you want Theo?

Stop, what do you really want?

(He stares at himself in the mirror for a long time in silence.)

Are your teeth clean?

That's a start. What's next on the list?

Wanna do some emotional intelligence work today?

No. Fuck your emotions.

She's coming back.

No, she's not

That's not nice

She doesn't believe in marriage.

No, she doesn't KNOW if she doesn't believe in marriage, anymore.

You never listen.

Pleasure chatting with you, man.

Have a good day.

(The "box" makes a soothing sound

SCENE 3- ROOM TEMPERATURE

(there's a knock on the door)

(Theo opens the door, Killian enters)

I'll never let you go

(Theo slams the door shut on Killian)

I'll leave this here. Goodnight Theo, Mr. Bart.

Why did you let it get like this?

It's just trash. Would you relax

Tell me to relax one more fucking time and...

(She begins to walk away and sings to herself)

(The box makes a soothing sound)

I know dude me too.

At least the trash is out

Shut it judgey judgester

(addressing his concerns)

Your mom is cute

That’s literally your own birth mother

Way to make it creepy

By a woman who left you

She’s just confused. Now shut the fuck up!

You're confused. Turd.

(Knock on the door)

(Another knock on the door)

(Heavy metal plays)

(They wait with anticipation. Nothing happens. Theo resets, then)

Fellow comisurates, fear no more for the box has spoken!

(They wait with anticipation. Nothing happens. Theo resets then)

Bart what time is it?

Killian, my old friend, how nice of you to stop by.

(Theo slams the door in Killian's face)

(The "box" makes a soothing sound

(Violin and cello suite begin to play lushious sounds.)