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Guy Winch Ph.D.

The Squeaky Wheel

Giving Relationships a Second Chance

Reunions as opportunities for change
Posted Jun 28, 2011

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I frequently get calls from couples seeking counseling after a period of separation. Separations are always
challenging as are reunions, but they also provide an opportunity for couples to shed their old complaints,
reboot their relationship and start anew.

At times couples' separations are voluntary (i.e., one of the partners asks for, demands or initiates the
separation) and at times they are a result of circumstance such as schooling, work, or military service.
Regardless of the circumstance, reuniting after a separation can be far more challenging than most couples
realize.

Voluntary Separations

When one member of a couple suggests a separation (as opposed to a break up) they often justify the move to
the other by stating, "Let's be apart to see if we can be together." As a psychologist, I've always been a skeptic
about such formulations. I tend to read such statements as meaning, "Let's be apart to see if we can be apart
(and keep the relationship as a safety net in case it turns out we can't...)."

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It is extremely unusual that couples use the time apart to actually improve their communication or their dynamic
(although it does happen on occasion). Therefore, when couples come to see me after a voluntary separation, I
assume their time apart did not magically fix any of the problems that led to their separating in the first place.
But just to make sure, I typically ask them what they hope to get out of couple therapy.

"We want to make sure we don't make the same mistakes," is the most common answer and also a good answer.
I then ask the more important question, "What have you been doing differently since getting back together?"

Usually, an awkward silence ensues for a moment or two after which one of them will say, "Um... eh...well, we
want it to work this time so we're both really trying hard," which is a common answer but not a very good
answer. When couples say, "we're trying hard" it often means they're trying not to get angry, upset or
disappointed at the very same things they found annoying, upsetting or disappointing before-which is a recipe
for relationship exhaustion, not relationship change.
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I'm all for trying hard, but it's vital for a couple to have a good sense of where specifically their efforts should be
invested. Just getting back together and hoping for the best will not work.

Involuntary Separations

Although some separations are born of circumstance (such as military service or workplace travel assignments),
they can still provide important opportunities to change aspects of the relationship that weren't working
previously. The opportunity exists because it is much harder to shift couple dynamics or change their
relationship as they are living it.

Relationships are like massive ships at sea, once they're chugging along it is extremely difficult for them to turn
and change direction. That's why Titanic hit the iceberg-the ship was so massive, so hard to maneuver, it
couldn't turn in time. The longer the relationship the more massive the 'ship' and the harder it is to change
course or to shift the couple's dynamic.

For this reason, it is when couples reunite that their 'ship' is easiest to maneuver as habits have no yet had a
chance to reset and dynamics haven't yet become entrenched. This presents an ideal opportunity to reboot
those aspects of the relationship that were not working previously or that could be working better.

Therefore, whether the separation was voluntary or not, when couples resume their lives together it is an
opportunity to discuss which aspects of their relationship they might want to change and which they feel are
working well.

Deciding What Not to Change

The following questions will help couples identify what not to change about their relationship:

1. What did each of you miss most about the other person?

2. What did each of you miss most about the relationship?

3. What were your fondest memories of the time you spent together previously?

4. Which aspects of the relationship work best?

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Deciding What to Change/Work On
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The following questions will help couples target a couple of things to do differently once their separation is over.
The more specific they can be in their suggestions and answers, the easier it will be for them to work on
change:

1. Which aspects of the relationship could be improved? What changes might improve them?

2. What would you like the other person to do differently (include small and large items)?

3. What one behavior would you like the other person to abolish entirely if possible?

4. What aspects of your lives together need to be renegotiated (e.g., house or parenting responsibilities)?

Lastly, if you are going to voice a complaint to your loved one--here's how to do it:

View my short and quite personal TED talk about Psychological Health here:

Check out my Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other
Everyday Psychological Injuries (Hudson Street Press, 2013).

Check out the FREE app Dr. Heartbreak

Join my mailing list 

Copyright 2011 Guy Winch

Follow me on Twitter @GuyWinch 

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2 COMMENTS

Fool proof way for her

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About the Author

Guy Winch, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure,
and Other Everyday Hurts.
     

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