How To Help Draft Dari Skillshare

How To Help:
Contents
Introduction 0
Mental Illness is Common-And Treatable 0
Video Promo 0
Introduction: 0
Systemic Approach 0
How Mental Illness Affects Relationships 0
How Relationships Impact Mental Illness 0
Understanding their Disorder 0
What Causes Mental Illness 0
Understanding Diagnoses 0
Specifics for Depression 0
specifics for Autism 0
Specifics for SPMI 0
Specifics for Anxiety 0
Specifics for BiPolar 0
Specifics for Addiction 0
Taking care of yourself 0
Way of Being 0
Unconditional Positive Regard 0

<$surname> / HOW TO HELP / 1
The Problem with Making them Feel Better 1
Create Emotional Safety 1
Empathic Listening 1
What is your Motivation? 1
Loving Boundaries 1
Act on your Values, Not on their Outcomes 1
St Francis of Assisi 1
Enmeshment vs. Detachment-A Better Way 1
Are You Judging? 1
The Problem with Advice 1
Strengths Based Approach 1
The Function of Emotions and Behaviors 1
The Function of Depression 1
Patience 1
Basic Skills 1
Encourage them Access Resources 1
Invite them to be Active 1
Help them Laugh 1
Stages of Change 1
Asking Good Questions 1
Extend a Helping Hand 1
Helpful Statements: 1
How to choose a Therapist 2
What to do if they Won't Get Help 2
Go to Therapy Yourself to Seek Tailored Advice 2
More advanced interventions: 2
Homeostasis And Polarization 2
How to Talk about Suicide 2
Medication 2
Switch Addictions 2
Looking Beneath Behaviors 2
Reflective Listening 2
Your Role as a Parent 2
Yout Role as a spouse 2
The Comfort/Growth/Panic Zones 2
Intimacy Issues 2
Attention Seeking Behaviors 2
Team up with them Against the Illness 2
Help Them see Truth 2
What if Hospitalization is Necessary? 2
What if they Won't Talk? 2
Advocating 2
Endnotes 2
Part I: Introduction
Chapter One
Mental Illness is Common-And Treatable
Mental Illness is common, at least 35% of people experience
mental illness during their lifetime, and some estimate that as
many as 55% of people have a bout with it once during their
lives. That means that as long as you know at least 3 people,
odds are good that you know someone with a mental illness. But
here's the crazy thing, because of the stigma, shame, and
distorted thinking associated with mental illness, most people
are uncomfortable talking about it, and even fewer know how to
recognize signs of mental illness and what they can do to help.
If someone breaks their arm or comes down with the flu-everyone
asks them how they're doing and what happened, and "do you need
help around the house?"...But if someone develops mental illness
like a depressive episode or an Anxiety disorder- people don't
know what to say, they avoid them or they give quick bits of
advice like "Look on the bright side" "Pull yourself up and get
advice like "Look on the bright side"<$surname>
"Pull yourself
/ HOW up
TO and get
HELP / 4
going" and there's nothing wrong with that except for three
things:
1. They've already tried that

2. It didn't work
3. Saying that makes them feel worse
So those quick bits of advice tend to make the problem

worse, not better. You're taking this course because someone in
your family or one of your close friends is experiencing
depression, anxiety or another mental illness. They need help,
and you want to know how to be helpful to them. You're taking
this course because you care about them.
Because you worry about them. Perhaps you're afraid for
their safety or their success.
You're taking this course, because you-like your friend

with a mental illness- don't know what to do next to help.
In this course I'm going to teach you how to become an

influential and positive source of support for your loved one.
I'm going to teach you the changes you can make to be a more
effective helper. I'll help you understand your role, and
clarify responsibility. I'll teach some specific skills like how
to listen so they'll open up to you, how to ask good questions,
to listen so they'll open up to you, <$surname>
how to ask /
good
HOW questions,
TO HELP / 5
what to do if they won't get help and some strategies if want to

talk. I'll help you explore relationship dynamics that my be
impeding the healing process.
Your relationship with the person you care about is the

most influential factor for change that exists. You have the
ability to make a big difference in the lives of others, So
Let's get started learning how to help.
#
Chapter Two
Video Promo
This video is an excerpt from my intensive course on how to
help when someone you care about is depressed. This course has
over 40 videos with specific skills that you can develop to be
more helpful for the person you love. It includes how to help
them open up and ways to help if they won't talk, what to do if
they're suicidal, specific strategies for managing your role,
and helpful things you can say or do. If you're interested in
watching the whole course, I'm giving it away for half price
with this code: THERAPYNUT, check it out on Udemy.com
#
Chapter Three
03 Introduction:
Introduction:
I'm excited to announce my upcoming course called How to

I'm excited to announce my upcoming course /called
<$surname> How
HOW TO to / 6
HELP
Help: Powerful tools to help when someone you love struggles

with mental health.
I'll be including some videos here, but the full course is
on Udemy.com, and is going to include over 40 instructional
videos outlining specific ways to help someone with depression,
anxiety, or other mental health concerns.
In this course I'm going to teach you how to be a more
positive influence on the person you care about. These skills
can be helpful in any relationship, but they're essential when

someone you care about is struggling with depression, anxiety,
or another mental illness.

Throughout this course I'm going to refer to "your person"
because I want this course to apply to parents, spouses, or

friends and I want it to apply to people with depression,
anxiety, and many other mental health concerns-I think you would
get really annoyed if throughout the course I said things like
"If you want your spouse, child or friend to feel heard and
understood...instead I'm just going to say "If you want 'your
person' to feel heard and understood..." I know it's not as

formal, but I do think it's more clear and will help you focus
on what I'm teaching by being more direct.
Throughout this course I'm going to share two types of

Throughout this course I'm going to share two types of
lessons-the first type is the most important-I'll call them "Way

of Being" lessons, these will show you what changes you can make
within yourself to be a source of positivity, connection and

support. These segments will show you how to strengthen your
relationship with your person, increase your connection, and

develop the ability to influence them positively. In essence
you're creating a safe space where your person can feel loved,
worthwhile, and where growth is possible.
These "way of being" segments are more important than the
other segments, but more difficult to apply-because in them I'm

asking you to create deep change within yourself-which is hard,
but always worthwhile. And it's going to be the difference

between success and failure.
The second type of lesson is about skills, specific
interventions you can do to help your person. When it comes

down to it, almost every segment will have a little of both-
changing yourself and influencing your person-That's because our

way of being is more important than the skills we're using. If
we're using the skills perfectly-but our heart is in a place of

judgment or frustration, we'll undermine our own effectiveness.
After laying the foundation of acceptance, compassion and

empathy- the skills segments will give you information specific
to situations that you may encounter with your person and some
to situations that you may encounter <$surname>
with your person andHELP
/ HOW TO some/ 8
steps you can take to help promote growth and healing for your
loved one. So, let's jump in.
Chapter Four
04 Systemic Approach
No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

-John Donne
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. My

perspective is not just on individual change but on the system
as a whole. That means that I look at cycles, interactions,

relationships and influence.
We are inseparably connected to others, the middle part of
our brain-the center of our emotions-is completely focused on

our connections to others. We need connection on a biological
level. Loneliness has been shown to be worse for physical health

than obesity, smoking, and diabetes. On the other hand, when
facing Mental Illness, having a good support network is often

the difference between success and failure. That's why I, as a
therapist, am always trying to include my clients' support

network in therapy. With my clients permission I'll invite
friends and family members into my clients' sessions or include

them in homework or follow-up emails. Because if I can help
strengthen relationships and improve that support network, I

will know that my client has a better chance at overcoming their
depression or anxiety..
My approach considers every relationship as a cycle of

influence. That means that each of us invites something out of
others. How we interact with others, invites them to respond in

others. How we interact with others,<$surname>
invites them to TO
/ HOW respond in10
HELP /
a certain way. I think we all have an intuitive sense of this,

We have all experienced being stuck in repetitive cycles. So for
example -If I consistently criticize my spouse, he is more

likely to respond with defensiveness. We can invite the people
around us to feel comfortable or judged depending on how we

treat them.
So let's take a look at an Example of a classic Father/Son

cycle:
Oppositionality:
He Acts in an Authoritarian He sees:
Way: Controlling
Lectures Unfair
More rules and punishments Rigid

Doesn't get it
He sees: He Acts:
Defiant "Rebellious"
Disrespectful Believes he knows better-so
Doesn't know much he sneaks around
Now the cool thing about cycles is that if we are inviting
a behavior out of others, then we also have influence to invite

a different behavior them.
He acts: HE sees:
Listens, tries to Dad's trying to understand

understand the deeper needs me
(identity and freedom) He acknowledges my

More warmth, more efforts/abilities
acknowledging positive efforts.

Creates a win-win: Says
something like "I want to trust

you and you want freedom, let's
talk about what I would want to

see to know that I can trust you
-set up a gradual system of

trust/trustworthiness
He Sees: He acts:
A normal teenager who is More considerate

testing limits and developing More trustworthy
own identity- not an inherently

bad kid
Perhaps he's resisting me

because I'm not giving him
opportunities to express himself

A mixture of strengths and
areas to grow
So when we change how we see other people and change how we
treat them, we invite them to shift their way of seeing and

thinking- this is more powerful than force, coercion, rewards,
or punishments. It's the most powerful force in the universe for

growth and change, and it has to stem from how we see others.
Let's do another example:
So for example: Mother-Daughter emotional reactivity cycle

Emotional reactivity: A child comes home from school and
complains to her mother that the other girls are excluding her,
the mother-quick to try to help-says something along the lines
of "well what did you do to make them not want to be around

you?" or or a the mother says "Shh, don't cry, just try to think
of something positive" or "Here-have an ice cream cone to feel

better"
She acts: She sees:
She tells her to get over It's not ok to feel

it I must be bad/wrong for
Stop crying feeling this way
Just try harder, it must be

your fault
She sees: She acts:

Child depressed, hurting, ,more subdued, more guilty
Emotions that seem Suppression, no problems
Emotions that seem Suppression,
<$surname> no TO
/ HOW problems
HELP / 13
disproportional/overblown get solved, explosion
She acts: She sees:

Unconditional Positive I'm ok
regard (I know you're trying It's ok to have feelings

your best)
Emotional acceptance ( I I can identify what I'm
would feel hurt too if my feeling
friends excluded me) She's on my team

Emotional identification
(That must really hurt)
Team based problem solving

(Do you want to talk about some
things we could try to do?
(explore her own actions,
evaluate her friendships, invite

friends to do something, develop
social skills, etc, etc. )
She sees: She acts:

Someone who's struggling- Expresses what's going on
just like me Identifies problems and
Identifies/ problems
<$surname> and / 14
HOW TO HELP
Teams up to work through acceptable solutions.

challenges together. Acceptance Stronger connection-reaches
and change out
Now I want to be a little careful with this example.
Because I basically implied that the mother was causing the

daughter's depression. Now that is an oversimplification.
Depression has many many contributing factors, physical,
biological, social, etc. And it's never just one thing that
makes another person feel that way.

In any long-lasting relationship-it is not "you cause me to
be depressed" or "I can make 1 you feel better", it's not a linear
cause and effect, it's we invited each other. Each individual
is still responsible for their half of the equation. So even if

someone is inviting me to feel defensive by attacking me, I can
still choose how I see them-and thereby I can choose my response
to them. So instead of seeing them as a rude, insulting,
oppressor I could see them as a person who's hurting and lashing

out or unskilled or uninformed, and the way I see them impacts
my emotional response to them.
This whole process is described in detail in the book "The
Anatomy of Peace" by the arbinger institute, and it's one of the

books I recommend the most-so if you'd to learn more, I
encourage you to read it.
But basically
We can influence others when we change our interaction

with them. That means that the most powerful way to influence
someone else is through your relationship with them, and the
best way to make sure that influence is positive is to work on
yourself. In the next couple of segments I'm going to show you

a few ways to do that.
#
Chapter Five
05 How Mental Illness Affects Relationships

Mental illness is tough on relationships. For family or
friends it can be confusing, stressful, traumatic, and
exhausti 2ng, the stress and worries can lead to health problems
and even contribute to your own depression or anxiety.
If your friend or loved one experiences a mental illness,

their symptoms might affect you directly. Some common patterns
are:
Clingy, demanding and attention seeking
Or isolating, withdrawn, and irritable
Sadness, anxiety, and hurt often come out as frustration,
anger and irritability.

Depression often makes it hard to be motivated, to have
energy, to be able to hold a job, or to get things done around
the house. This can be really frustrating for family members
Anxiety often leads to avoidance of activities that others

Anxiety often leads to avoidance of activities
<$surname> / HOW that others
TO HELP / 16
find enjoyable. Their world ( and therefore yours) often shrinks

down, as the number of activities gets smaller and smaller.
It's common for people with depression to withdraw from

others in a misguided attempt to protect others from themselves.
They see themselves as bad, dangerous, hurtful or unsafe for
others-but often that is more the perception than the reality.
Mild Autism symptoms might look like defiance, over-

sensitivity, inflexibility, or lack of concern for others.
ADHD might look like someone who isn't listening, doesn't
care, is lazy, unmotivated or doesn't follow through,
Worrying that your person is contemplating suicide or

engaging in risky behaviors as a result of their MI can be
terrifying, exhausting and nerve-wracking.
Despite all these difficult symptoms, there are some things

you can do to make your experience better.
The first step is to educate yourself on how their disorder
may affect someone. Understanding what their experience is like

may help you be more compassionate and patient or be able to
help them know that you "get it".
Work to be patient, we often think that someone just

"won't" do what they should be doing when often they "can't"
right now.
I once worked with an 11 year old boy I'll call Carter, his
mom brought him to therapy because he seemed really
oppositional- he refused to do his chores and he always took too
long getting ready for school. He was smart enough to get

himself ready quickly, but he seemed to just be intentionally
taking too long. He knew his responsibilities to do the dishes,
but refused to do them. This seeming defiance was creating a lot
of problems in the home, with the mother getting frustrated and

Carter just shutting down.
After an initial assessment, I noticed that his hands were
chafed and raw, I asked him if he washed them a lot- he
explained to me that he would frequently wash his hands 10

times in a row. I realized that he had the symptoms of OCD-
obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
During my next session with the mother- when I pulled out

a list of symptoms of OCD, and explained that this was a
biological and psychological difference in his brain, that
changed the mom's perspective on his behaviors. Instead of being
angry at him because he wouldn't do what he was supposed to, she

was more compassionate when he was unable to do what he was
supposed to. That made it possible for them to face the OCD
symptoms together, to be on the same team and to work to find
solutions. Eventually he was able to do the dishes (with gloves)

and they practiced "Exposure Response Prevention" with his
and they practiced "Exposure Response Prevention"
<$surname> with
/ HOW TO his
HELP / 18
morning rituals that were taking so long. Many of his symptoms
improved, but even more importantly- his relationship with his

mom improved. He was no longer "The problem child" the
"oppositional kid" he was a kid who was having a hard time, and
they were able to connect. This obviously created a change in
his self-esteem and his capabilities.
When it comes to mental illness, often It's not that they

aren't trying, or they're being defiant, but that they don't
have the ability in this moment to overcome their challenges.

That doesn't mean they never will be able to, with support,
education, training, and other resources they may be able to
overcome those obstacles. Try to give people the benefit of the
doubt while also teaming up with them to help them grow and
bring their life in line with what they want it to be.
As you struggle to help your person, make sure to work to

make yourself healthy, develop your emotional intelligence and
relational skills so that you have the capability to be
supportive. Make sure you have a good support network.
Make sure that you are taking care of yourself, if you "run
faster than you have strength" then you will be exhausted
physically and emotionally and won't be able to take care of
yourself, much less others...Develop your own support network.

yourself, much less others...Develop<$surname>
your own support network.
/ HOW TO HELP / 19
Take breaks, get enough rest, exercise. Take time away from your
person, do things you enjoy, model mental health by living a
sustainable life yourself.
Never take responsibility for their life. You are

responsible for your influence, but not their life. Allow other
people and other resources to step up, and even allow your
person to fail once in a while. You are not the hero in their
story, you're the companion on their hero's journey.
Mental illness can be challenging on relationships, but
they don't have to be detrimental. With the right approach,

those challenges can turn into a source of connection, bonding,
strength and love. In the next segments we're going to talk
about how you can strengthen your relationship with the person
you care about.

#
Chapter Six
06 How Relationships Impact Mental Illness
Siddhartha Quote:
"I knew it. You don't force him, don't beat him, don't give
him orders, because you know that 'soft' is stronger than
'hard,' water stronger than rocks, love stronger than force."
Vasudeva to Siddhartha
Relationships have a huge impact on mental health and

Relationships have a huge impact on mental/ health
<$surname> HOW TO and
HELP / 20
physical health.
We need people to function. We need people to be physically
healthy. We need people to help us see ourselves clearly and to
have purpose, joy, meaning and love in our life.
Have you ever had a person in your life who you would do
anything for? My parents are like that, when I was a teenager
there were times when I really wanted to do something that my

parents didn't agree with, and instead of forcing me or
punishing me, the would just make a request " Emma, will you
please go to the church activity instead of xyz fun thing" and
that request had so much pull on me because of our relationship.

I knew they cared about me and I cared about them, and so they
had way more pull than if they were bossing me around or yelling
or punishing.
Your relationship is your number one source of influence.

It's stronger than control, force, pressure, blame, shame,
guilt. The draw of your relationship is the most influential
force that you have.
Theodore Roosevelt said " nobody cares how much you know
until they know how much you care" You might have the best
ideas, real solutions, and the right skills. But none of that
matters if the other person doesn't know that you care about
matters if the other person doesn't <$surname>
know that you care
/ HOW TO about
HELP / 21
them.
You may be thinking "That sounds nice Emma, but in my case,

my person is so dysfunctional (disordered, irritable, self-
destructive) that a good relationship is not strong enough. And
while some situations require force in the short term (for

example: self- harm, need for hospitalization or an intervention
for an addict, etc) -there is no long-term intervention stronger
than a good relationship. I've seen this to be true in a half
dozen settings from residential treatment, wilderness therapy,

outpatient therapy, etc with dozens of types of problems-
selective mutism, oppositional defiant disorder, addictions,
suicidal ideology, eating disorders, depression and anxiety, I
could go on and on.
Your relationship is your source of influence. With a good

relationship you have greater ability to ask them to do hard
things like see a therapist or take medication. With a good

relationship you can give them feedback and they'll be more
likely to listen, your opinion will matter more to them. Without
a strong relationship- you might have the best ideas or correct
advice, but your person will be more likely to ignore or reject

it.
I've heard many people say "It's a two way street, if they
I've heard many people say "It's a two way/ street,
<$surname> if they
HOW TO HELP / 22
aren't putting in effort, why should I bother?" Well thank you

for asking that question-. I have one in response-Do you believe
in living your values only when others do what you think they
should do? Do you believe you should only be kind, helpful, or
supportive when the other person is acting perfectly? If so-your
relationships are going to suck. A good marriage is not 50/50,
a good marriage is 100/100 each person doing their very best on

their half of the equation.
I've worked with hundreds of teenagers and adults who don't
want to be in therapy, don't want to change, are rude,

attacking, self-deceived, and making hurtful choices. And when I
focus on "the courage to change the person that I can
change(myself)" to be the person with the character that I
value, I've seen the vast majority of these people gradually

turn their lives around. Never use someone else's behaviors as
an excuse to not be the person you believe you should be.
"The degree to which I can create relationships, which

facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a
measure of the growth I have achieved in myself." Carl Rogers
Your relationship is your change agent. With a supportive,

caring relationship-whether you're a friend, parent or spouse,
you provide a safe place for them to work through their
you provide a safe place for them to<$surname>
work through their
/ HOW TO HELP / 23
emotions, confront their fears, challenge their thinking, and

take risks. I sometime imagine this space as being like a
workshop that is detached from the house, your supportive
relationship provides a quiet and safe place to tinker with a
problem, take it apart, look at it closely and put it back

together.
Even as a therapist, especially as a therapist, I need to
rely on my relationships as the primary source of influence. In

one famous (meta analysis) a study of thousands of studies on
the different therapy styles- they found that therapeutic
techniques only accounted for 15% of change, The relationship
accounted for fully 30% of change- that's fully 67% of what is

in the therapist's control- the other factors depend on the
client.
If you want to make a difference-improve your relationship.
If you want to improve your relationship you need to work on

your way of being-that means Congruence, Unconditional Positive
Regard, and Empathy.
You can invite a good relationship by being real -

"congruence" means that you are sincere, honest with others.
Congruence means that you will be trustworthy, and remain true
to your values- usually those values are things like : kindness,

empathy, communication, love, fun, etc. values are character
traits that we see as positive, valuable.
The second trait that creates a strong relationship is

Unconditional Positive Regard. That means that even if you
don't agree with them or you dislike some of their actions, a.

There's some reason they're doing the things that they're doing-
they're not just trying to be "bad" or "stupid" perhaps they
don't know another way, they lack resources, or they feel
overwhelmed. Unconditional Positive regard just means to give
people the benefit of the doubt, to see the good in them and to
have kind feelings towards them.
The other aspect of good relationships is good boundaries.

That means you know your role. You are responsible for yourself
and you allow them to be responsible for themselves. You know
that you can invite others to change and influence them in a
positive way but you never force, coerce, shame, blame or try to
force someone to agree with you ( except for cases where
physical danger is imminent). When you allow them to have
responsibility for themselves, and you take care of your half of
responsibility for themselves, and you take care
<$surname> of your
/ HOW half/ of
TO HELP 26
the relationship, you'll be more likely to create the

environment where change is possible.
#
Depression, Anxiety, and other mental illnesses are real
disorders. They show up on a biological level. Mental Illness
comes with changes to the brain's structure and chemistry, and
it also impacts the body on a bigger scale. It may contribute to
exhaustion, insomnia, eating differences, physical agitation,
muscle tension, ulcers, injury and other illness. If you don't
understand what their experience is, then you're more likely to
be harmful than helpful. People who have never experienced

depression themselves or are uninformed about it often think
that people are exaggerating, being lazy or just need to snap
out of it.
They may say things like "Well, everyone gets depressed
sometimes" or "Everyone's got ADD"- but that's like saying that
the definition of tall is if your head is off the ground-
"Everyone's tall" but if you're 6'10'' then you might have a
harder time fitting into airplanes or finding pants that are

long enough.
If you imply that they can change how they're feeling if
they just tried harder, they'll know you're not taking their
feelings seriously."You can't just get over it" and it's not
helpful to imply that When someone meets the criteria for a
depressive disorder-they aren't able to just snap out of it, or
depressive disorder-they aren't able<$surname>
to just snap outTO
/ HOW ofHELP
it, /
or27
overcome it by "looking on the bright side" treatment may

require a multi-faceted approach that addresses the problem from
a physical, medical, emotional, social and relational level.
But the good news is that even though depression and
anxiety are rooted in physiological differences, that doesn't

mean that they are permanent. Over 70% of people who get
treatment for depression see their symptoms completely resolved,
and many more see their symptoms greatly reduced. So accepting
the fact that their disorder is real and challenging is not the
same as accepting the idea that it will never get better. I
like to think that a good approach is like (american) football,
each play starts at the line of scrimmage- you just start where
the ball is and try to move it forward. It doesn't do any good

to argue about where the ball could be or should be, you just
start where it is and try to move forward.
In order to help the person you care about, you need to be

able to understand what they are experiencing. Often they won't
have words for it. for example- I worked with a client who had
extreme social anxiety, and as I listened closely to her

description of what she was experiencing I realized that she had
an auditory sensory over sensitivity- that means that noise was
extra uncomfortable to her, she was avoiding school and other
places not just because of the people, but because of the noise
levels that seem normal to us-are quite painful and anxiety
levels that seem normal to us-are quite painful/ and
<$surname> HOW anxiety
TO HELP / 28
provoking for her. Even though she was a very intelligent and
verbal 16 year old, she had never been able to describe that
difficulty previously.
Understanding how someone else experiences a situation that
may seem benign to us is essential to being able to help

someone. In the case of my client, that understanding helped us
find some interventions like wearing mini-earplugs that added a
little muting- made it so she could attend school. When we are
able to understand how a mental illness affects our loved one,
we'll have better interactions, they will feel more supported,
and we'll be more likely to work together to find lasting
solutions.
Mental Illness affects people on a social and relational

level too. Someone with depression may avoid you because they
don't have the energy to get out of the house, or because they
don't want to be around people when they're feeling so down, or
to protect you from all their perceived negative attributes. If
you don't understand that you may feel hurt or offended by their
behavior.
Someone with Anxiety may care about you greatly but worry
excessively about what they say or what you think. People may
think that they are a burden, or that they have nothing to
offer, or falsely believe that you hate them or are out to get
offer, or falsely believe that you hate them or/ are
<$surname> HOW out to get
TO HELP / 29
them. They may take offense easily or blame themselves for

everything. So a common pattern is to see people withdraw,
isolate themselves or cut off relationships. Another common
pattern is to see volatile, intense, attention seeking or angry
interactions. Each person and each disorder comes with it's own
challenges, try to be compassionate, understanding and to stick
with them when possible.
Later in this segment I'm going to do a brief overview of

some of the symptoms and patterns of a few common disorders-
please feel free to jump to that section after this video if you
want to see specifics for depression, anxiety or other
disorders.
Understanding vs Excusing
By understanding how a Mental Illness affects our person,

we're not trying to excuse their behavior. If it's not
functional, it's not functional. My client with social anxiety
still needed to attend school, and my client with OCD still
needed to do his chores. Instead of excuses, we seek to find
ways to connect and be compassionate which will make it more
likely that we'll be able to help them make improvements, and
we'll be less angered and more compassionate with the things
they haven't changed yet.
That's the crazy paradox- when we're trying to change

That's the crazy paradox- when <$surname>
we're trying to change
/ HOW TO HELP / 30
someone-we meet resistance, when we focus on loving them-we

invite growth.
Educate yourself
So when it comes to mental illness, it's important to
educate yourself about their disorder in general, and their
individual and personal experience. Increasing your
understanding will most likely help you be more compassionate
and helpful.
Ask them specific questions

With people who are really verbal, insightful, or willing
to explain to you- the best place to start is to ask them
questions like: "What's depression(or your MI) like for you?"
Even though there are some commonalities across the disorder,
each person's experience varies. You may ask-"How does it affect
you physically?" When does it impact you the most?" How do you
like to be supported?"
Do some research
In addition to asking them, you can also learn about their
disorder through research. I'm including some good links. If
they already have a diagnosis, you can start with that. If you
suspect they do-you can look up the symptoms and see what
matches. It's not your job to diagnose them, but if you're
educated about some symptoms, you might be able to understand
them better.
For example, many people don't know that high functioning
autism often comes with symptoms like: difficulty with change in

routine, sensory difficulties (only wearing sweat pants or
difficulty with food textures-leading to limited "safe foods").
When we get educated we often switch how we see someone from
thinking "They won't stop doing xyz..." (a belief that they are
being oppositional or mean) to "They can't stop doing xyz right
now..." (A belief that they don't have the ability or resources
to change right now) this gives us a space to be more
compassionate and to get on their team.

A really great place to get a better understanding of a
diagnosis and the symptoms is by working with a therapist or
psychologist who is familiar with the case and the disorder.
They'll be able to help walk you though what is to be expected
and how you can be helpful.
An important part of understanding diagnoses is to
understand that mental illness is treatable. Just because your

person is diagnosed with a real disorder, it doesn't necessarily
have to be a permanent condition-our brain is designed to learn,
grow, adapt and change. A mental illness is real, it shows up
in our biology, but there are multiple things we can do to
change our biology- check out my course on Brain chemistry and
Neuroplasticity.
As you increase your understanding of what their experience
As you increase your understanding of what/ their
<$surname> experience
HOW TO HELP / 32
is like you're going to have a stronger relationship, and you'll

be more likely to help them find things that work for them.
#
Let's talk for a minute about what causes mental Illness:

Researches have spent a lot of time and money to understand

the causes of mental illness, but when it comes down to it,
<$surname>
the causes of mental illness, but when it comes/ down
HOW TO
to HELP
it, / 34
there is no simple solution. Genes and other biological factors

definitely play a role, but so do experiences, actions, sleep
patterns, nutrition, childhood experiences, the culture you're
in.
So let's talk about temperament for a moment...
Physical conditions like diabetes or allergies also seem to

play a role
CBT focuses on changing how we think, and that has been
shown to change the size of brain structures associated with
depression.
Mindfulness has been demonstrated to improve physical brain
functioning
The experiences we have in life can change brain chemistry,

and even genes. One study showed that holocaust survivors passed
down genes that predispose their descendants to higher anxiety.
When it comes down to it, science can say a lot about

statistical averages for contributing factors for mental illness
in general, but no one can say what causes YOUR mental illness.
The best approach is an informed trial and error- CBT,
Medications, nutritional treatments, exercise, treating

insomnia, working through family dynamics, and trying a
multitude of other research-backed treatments like mindfulness,
multitude of other research-backed treatments
<$surname> like mindfulness,
/ HOW TO HELP / 35
light therapy, behavioral changes like gratitude practice,

etc... Please don't just tell someone to get over it, or expect
that what worked for you will work for them. Each person's
difficulty is unique to them and no one, not even the most
experienced expert-can tell you which treatment or combination
of treatments is going to help resolve an individual's symptoms.
In my other Udemy course I do cover 10 alternatives to

medication to change brain chemistry. I teach basic mental
health skills that I wish everyone knew.
You can also work with a family therapist or a therapist

who is experienced working with a systemic approach to see what
ways you may contribute for better or worse, it's not helpful to
blame yourself or others, but it can be helpful to take
responsibility for anything in our realm of control. Courage to

Accept what you can't change, change what you can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
#
Intro:
Use the chapter from my change brain course
#
1. Don't try to talk your loved one out of his depression, or

minimize it as something he can overcome if he would only
1.
minimize it as something he can overcome if he would only
"get a grip on things", "pray harder", and so on. People
who are depressed can't simply "snap out of it". This is a

serious illness and most need treatment to get better.
Here's an example of some of the things you might see if
your person is experiencing depression:
Understanding depression in a friend or family member

Depression is a serious condition. Don't underestimate the
seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person's energy,
optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can't just

"snap out of it" by sheer force of will.
The symptoms of depression aren't personal. Depression

makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional
level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In
addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out
in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your
loved one, so try not to take it personally.
Hiding the problem won't make it go away. Don't be an

enabler. It doesn't help anyone involved if you are making
excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or
family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the
depressed person from seeking treatment.
You can't "fix" someone else's depression. Don't try to

rescue your loved one from depression. It's not up to you to fix
the problem, nor can you. You're not to blame for your loved
the problem, nor can you. You're not<$surname> / HOW
to blame for TO loved
your HELP / 37
one's depression or responsible for their happiness (or lack

thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed
person.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-
someone-with-depression.htm
Be concerned if your loved one...

Doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. Has lost
interest in work, sex, hobbies, and other pleasurable
activities. Has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social
activities.
Expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life. Is

uncharacteristically sad, irritable, short-tempered, critical,
or moody; talks about feeling "helpless" or "hopeless." Most
people don't know that depression often evidences itself with
anger, especially in males.
Frequently complains of aches and pains such as headaches,

stomach problems, and back pain. Or complains of feeling tired
and drained all the time. Depression occurs in the body- it's as
much physical as it is mental and emotional.
Sleeps less than usual or oversleeps. Has become

indecisive, forgetful, disorganized, and "out of it."
Eats more or less than usual, and has recently gained or

lost weight.
Drinks more or abuses drugs, including prescription

Drinks more or abuses drugs, including prescription
sleeping pills and painkillers.

1. Be patient. If you've never experienced depression yourself
– real depression, not just a couple of blue days now and
then – it can be very difficult to really understand what
it's like. But do your best to put yourself in his shoes.

Accept that your loved one may feel scared, alone,
worthless, hopeless, vulnerable, angry, and / or completely
overwhelmed. Little things may be irritating or upsetting
to him. Just getting through each hour may feel like a
monumental accomplishment. What often looks like laziness
is the depression – it's an illness that can completely
drain one's motivation and energy.

#
What can I do when my child is ill?

Patience and understanding are especially important when a
child is ill. Children with bipolar disorder often have
different symptoms than adults do, and are more likely to switch
quickly from manic symptoms to depressive symptoms. Make sure
you have a doctor who understands mood disorders in children,
and is able to spend time discussing your child's treatment.
Communicate to your child that there is hope - you and the

doctors are working on a solution that will help him or her feel
better. Explain your child's disorder to siblings on a level
they can understand. Suggest ways they can help. Seek family
counseling if necessary. It is also helpful to network with
counseling if necessary. It is also <$surname>
helpful to /
network
HOW TO with
HELP / 39
other parents whose children have a mood disorder.

With the assistance of your child's mental health care
provider, help your child learn relaxation techniques and use
them at home. Teach positive coping strategies to help him or
her feel more prepared for stressful situations. Encourage your
child to self-express through art, music, writing, play, or any

other special gifts he or she has. Provide routine and structure
in the home, and freedom within limits. Above all, remember that
mood disorders are not caused by bad parenting, and do not blame
yourself for your child's illness.
Children with mood disorders do better in a low-stress,
quiet home environment, and with a family communication style
that is calm, low-volume, non-critical, and focused on problem-
solving rather than punishment or blaming. Stress reduction at

school through use of an Individual Educational Plan (IEP) is
also very important. Request an evaluation from your child's
school counselor or psychologist to get the process started.
If your child with a mood disorder is an adult, it is
important to treat him or her like an adult, even when he or she
is not acting like one. As much as you may want to, you may not
be able to force your adult child to keep doctor's appointments
or take medications. As with any other family member, keep

encouraging treatment and offering your support, but establish
boundaries for yourself too, such as not lending money if your
adult child seems to be having manic or hypomanic symptoms.
#
Boundaries
Medical help
Legal Help
Understanding that it moves past a behavior that they like,
to something that is nearly impossible to stop.
#
Chapter Seven
8 Taking care of yourself
Anyone who has flown on a commercial flight has heard the
emergency procedures in case the plane were to suddenly lose
pressure-Oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, put them over
you nose and mouth, if you are sitting next to a child, put on
your mask first, then help them put on theirs. The airline
needs to instruct us on this because our instinct is to take

care of others first. But putting your oxygen mask on first
isn't selfish, inconsiderate or unkind. It's just simply the
only way that you're going to be helpful for the child sitting
next to you. If you pass out from lack of oxygen, you'll be of
no help to them or you.
The same thing goes with mental health. If your loved one
is struggling, distressed or suicidal your natural compassion
may drive you to put so much effort into taking care of them
that you don't take care of yourself. And while that might feel
like the right thing or the only thing to do, it's not. You
like the right thing or the only thing to do, it's
<$surname> not.
/ HOW You / 41
TO HELP
won't be of any help to them if you're exhausted, depleted,

depressed or overwhelmed. Self-Care is essential for you to be
able to love and help others. And it sets a good example for
your loved one of how to live healthily.
There are entire books on this, and I'm not going to focus
my course on taking care of yourself-because this course is
about how to help others, but it's still important, so I'll
touch on it briefly:
Self Care means listening to your own needs for rest,

comfort, connection and security. It means taking time to ensure
that the work your putting out and the help you're giving is
done is a sustainable way. Self-care isn't selfish, it's about
keeping yourself healthy so that you can be more helpful to your
person.
Here's a few things that you can do to make sure you're
taking care of yourself:
● Take breaks
● Do activities you enjoy
● Encourage them to expand their support network, you
shouldn't be the only one carrying this load.
● Reach out to your own support network-spend time with
people who lift you up
● Work through your own stuff. Keep learning, growing and

● Work through your own stuff. Keep learning,
<$surname> growing
/ HOW and / 42
TO HELP
changing to become healthier and happier.
● See a therapist yourself for support, resources and a fresh

perspective
● Take care of important things in your life that you may
have been avoiding-make a budget, manage your bills, make
that call that you've been avoiding. You'll be amazed at
how relieving it is to get those things off your "To-Do"
list
● Good boundaries are essential for self-care. You may need
to say "no" or "Not right now", you may need to give them
honest feedback or let them know how their actions affect
you. Above all else, you'll need to let them be responsible
for their life and choices. You are not responsible to fix,
heal, or protect them from every problem in their life.
Make a clear distinction between your responsibilities and
theirs.
● Take care of your physical body- take the time to eat right
and exercise
● Manage your stress levels- find relaxing activities that
help you unwind
● Learn mindfulness techniques to help you improve your
emotional responses to stress.
Taking care of yourself is an essential skill to be an

effective helper. For many compassionate people, it's actually
effective helper. For many compassionate people,
<$surname> it'sTO
/ HOW actually
HELP / 43
one of the more difficult ones to practice. Make an intentional

effort to practice self-care, even if it's a little
uncomfortable for you. It will make you more effective at
helping the people you care about.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2017/11/this-is-
what-self-care-really-means-because-its-not-all-salt-baths-and-
chocolate-cake/
Part II: Way of Being
Chapter Eight
9 Unconditional Positive Regard
"W e cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are,
until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then change seems to
come about almost unnoticed."
I love teenagers, they are my favorite population to work

with. They're at this prime point in their life where they are
so flexible, they're developing their own identity and
questioning the status quo, they're open to new ideas, but
unlike small children, they have enough self-determination to
choose their own way. But my love for teens goes counter to the
stereotype of teens as rebellious and defiant. And I've see
that too. When a teenager feels forced, coerced, or controlled
they will resist in an instinctive way. Even well-meaning advice
or helpful expectations were rejected off-hand because they
threatened his feeling of independence. This urge to resist is
threatened his feeling of independence. This urge
<$surname> to TO
/ HOW resist
HELP is
/ 45
so strong that I don't doubt that a teenager whose parent said

something like "You have to eat chocolate ice cream right now,
or else!" would probably resist that, even if they love
chocolate ice cream.
"People resist people more than they resist rules"
There's this strange thing with change, when someone else

is trying to change us-we resist, rebel, we push back. And when
someone completely accepts us as we are and sees the good in us-
we only want to be better.
Carl Rogers was a groundbreaking humanist psychologist, he

saw this paradox and developed a tailor-made approach to helping
people that was grounded on warmth and understanding instead of
judgment and coercion. One of his fundamental principles was

Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR is believing that each person
is deep down inherently good, even if you don't like their
behaviors. UPR is about giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Instead of labeling people as weak, lazy or bad- you think
"There must be some reason they're acting this way" Perhaps
they just don't know how to change or they're too exhausted or
overwhelmed, or they don't have the resources necessary to put

in the right effort right now. But regardless of the reason, you
see them as doing the best they can. That doesn't mean they
can't change. UPR is actually a catalyst for change.
UPR is often confused with acceptance.

I disagree with that if your definition of acceptance is
labeling someone's behaviors as good. From my perspective you
don't even have to accept their behaviors as being good or bad,
instead you take yourself out of the role of judge and instead
put yourself in the role of human being. Let yourself feel with
them, and believe in their goodness-and good things will happen.
I also disagree with UPR being acceptance if the definition

of acceptance means that things will always be the way they are.
I think that people have the idea that acceptance and

change are mutually exclusive, like if you accept a problem that
means it will never change. I think people get confused on this
because they assume that acceptance means saying that "I will
always be depressed", that to accept someone means that you have
to resign yourself to just being miserable forever. Notice the
emphasis on the future? I think that's why many people resist
acceptance- if that applies to you, then perhaps one way of
thinking of acceptance is reminding yourself that acceptance is
just saying "it is what it is, right now" it's not saying "It's
always going to be this way".
I do think acceptance can be helpful in the present moment.

I do think acceptance can be helpful in the
<$surname> present
/ HOW moment.
TO HELP / 47
When I talk about acceptance I'm not saying things can never
change, I'm saying that hinging your acceptance of others on

their change makes you miserable and inhibits the change
process. Instead acceptance is about saying "I will acknowledge
things as they are right now". You start where you stand. The
journey of 1000 miles starts with one step.
UPR is not the same as agreeing with someone or liking what
they're doing, it's letting go of the need to change, correct,

or fix someone in order for you to care for them. Needing them
to agree with you will likely lead to arguments or detachment.
UPR is taking the stance "No matter what you've done I will
still have compassion for you." You see them as deep-down good,
even if you don't like the behaviors on the surface, or if you
think they're not doing the right things with their life. UPR is
saying "they aren't trying to be bad, stupid, illogical, lazy".

They are probably doing the best they can with what they've got,
and I can help that process by supporting them.
So make that separation. If you need them to change for you

to be ok- then you have a problem, and are causing problems in
the relationship. This does not mean that you don't have
expectations or boundaries- obviously if they are abusive,
dangerous, unsafe physically or emotionally, then you will need

dangerous, unsafe physically or emotionally, then
<$surname> youTO
/ HOW will need
HELP / 48
to set boundaries on the relationship. And you'll need good

boundaries for every relationship to be healthy. But a true
boundary is not telling someone else they need to change (that

makes you powerless) a true boundary is saying what you will do
in response to their behaviors. So instead of saying "you can't
treat me that way" a boundary says "If you treat me that way, I
will (leave, call the cops, spend less time with you, take away
your tablet, etc) " and you set your action.
Check out some of my videos on boundaries- but the thing
is, that loving someone and setting boundaries aren't mutually

exclusive- the best boundaries are set with love. "I care enough
about you to say no to you" "I love you enough to know that you
shouldn't be treating me this way. So I will help you stop by
leaving this situation"
As you work to improve your "Way of Being" Unconditional

Positive Regard-seeing people as inherently good, is going to
help your frustration melt away, it will improve your

relationship with the person, and create an environment that is
most likely to invite change.
So check yourself for feelings of resentment, blame,

frustration, or thoughts like "They are just doing it wrong"
"They're being so stupid/obnoxious/lazy/rebellious"And try to
"They're being so stupid/obnoxious/lazy/rebellious"And
<$surname> / HOW TO try to/ 49
HELP
replace those thoughts with compassion "They're having a hard

time right now" "They don't know how to handle this situation"
"They must really be hurting if they're acting like that"
When you do, you'll find that the resistance melts away and
change will be more likely, but even if they don't change, you
won't be so upset about it. You will have more peace in your
heart.
#
Chapter Nine
10 The Problem with Making them Feel Better
Be careful about trying to make your person feel better or

trying to fix their problems:
When you hear that someone you care about is sad, anxious
or struggling-Most people have a knee-jerk reaction to try and
make them feel better. But I'm going to plead with you to pause
that reactive approach-here's why: Jumping in to make someone
feel better often creates distance in the relationship, it
accidentally sends the message "Oh, you're down in a pit- well

you should be up here silly". They know they want to be up
there, they just can't get there right now.
Sometimes expressing an emotion is a bid for connection,
for closeness. Sharing an emotion and feeling it together can be
a way to express understanding, love and togetherness. This can
a way to express understanding, love<$surname>
and togetherness.
/ HOW TO This
HELP can
/ 50
be harder for men than women (sometimes), but it may help to

remind yourself that when they tell you something sad, they
might just be wanting to know that you care.
Trying to fix someone's problem before hearing them- tells
them that they are less important that the solution. And usually
when we're trying to quickly fix someone's problem, we haven't
taken the time to really understand them and communicate that
understanding. And even the most well-meaning advice often gets
distorted within the mind of someone with depression or anxiety.
Examples of things people say: (And what your person hears)
"It's not that bad" (What's the matter with you, why are
you so weak that you can't get over this?)
"Look on the bright side" ("what you're feeling isn't
real." "Your emotions don't matter)
"It could be worse" (Why are you being such a lazy whiner,
you're exaggertating. Your feelings aren't real because others
have it worse. It's your own fault for feeling upset)

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps (you are obviously not
trying hard enough. If you were trying it would have gone away
by now)
Get over it ("Your feelings don't matter, you are stupid

for having them, if you can't just get over it then somethings
for having them, if you can't just get over it /
<$surname> then
HOW somethings
TO HELP / 51
wrong with you")

Mental illness is a choice (You did this to yourself. it's
your fault, and only bad people would choose this)
"Everyone has depression/ADD/Anxiety- (Your experience

doesn't matter, you're making this up to get out of something)
'When I had that here's what worked for me" (you should
compare yourself to others (and find out that you're worse than
them, what's the matter with you if you can't get over this?)
Any sentence starting with "You should..." (I have the
answers for your life since you are obviously too stupid or lazy
to figure them out on your own)

Have you tried...(What you're struggling with isn't really
a big deal- this quick fix should solve it)
People with depression are usually hyper aware of every

single one of their flaws, they don't need you to point them
out.
Most well-meaning people don't intend to send the message
than many people with Mental Illness hear, they think they're
just trying to help.
But often what's actually motivating that knee-jerk fix-it
reaction is their own discomfort talking about emotions. So they

try to make them go away. Most people are trying to be
try to make them go away. Most people are trying
<$surname> to be
/ HOW TO HELP / 52
supportive-but their attempts often make people feel worse. But

this course isn't about making people feel better, it's about
creating a relationship where growth and healing is possible.

(which most likely has the result of helping people feel better,
but that's not the goal.
Any quick attempt to make someone feel better has a small

chance of succeeding and a large chance of failing. That's
because if there was a simple solution they wouldn't be

depressed. Depression isn't sadness. It's a long-lasting
condition that permeates their life.
Feeling better is about our own discomfort with their pain.
We try to relieve our discomfort by "cheering someone up" or

suggesting positive ways of thinking about something. The
problem is not with the positive ideas, it's with the motivation
behind it. We tend to try to make people feel better to avoid
our own discomfort. We encourage suppression or sugarcoating

crap to avoid discomfort. Trying to make people feel better is a
short term, a quick remedy that doesn't reach deeply into their
needs because it comes from a place of avoidance. Avoiding your
own discomfort. And this is why it often creates distance in the
relationship-because it's invalidating (unwilling to feel what

they're feeling-perhaps we're scared). Offering solutions often
leads to creating problems and adding distance in the

relationship.
I'm saying that if we always counter another's sadness with

the bright side then we are on opposite sides of the counter.
We are in opposition to them. If we really want to help them, we

step into a role side by side with them, we see the world from
their perspective- and then as we walk together we have a
connection that helps us nudge them around as they walk until

you are both facing the bright side.
Instead of offering solutions, offer them a safe place, a
relationship where growth and healing is possible:
We help others by helping them face their difficulties with

courage. This doesn't feel good in the short term, but it helps
them solve problems in the long-run.
We help others by sitting with them in their pain. This

hurts in the moment and heals through love and connection.
We help by being real with them when they've made a

mistake. They may feel guilt, grief or regret in the moment, but
that can be the motivation to make things right, to reconcile or

change.
We help others by showing them the truth of compassion, if
someone can accept and love them with all their faults and
emotions, then perhaps they can accept and love themselves. When
they stop the cycle of self-punishment, then they're free to

grow.
"Making people feel better" sends the subconsious message
that your emotions aren't ok, they're dangerous and need to be

avoided. It's a quick fix with a lasting potential for harm.
Another reason that "Making them feel better" doesn't work
in the long run is that Emotions serve a purpose, when they are
truthful they teach and and motivate us to change our lives and
be better. We can't just ice over them and pretend they don't
matter.
Fear teaches us about danger
Guilt teaches us to change our actions

Contentment reminds us we are on the right path
Grief reminds us of our loved ones, and to treasure to

people we have with us now.
Love motivates us to serve, give, connect to and strengthen
others.
Anger, during the occasional times that it is a primary
emotion, spurs us to protect the people we love.
We cannot just "Make people feel better" when they are

having emotions, we need to help them see the function of their
emotions. Emotions-rather than being dangerous, are actually
signposts on our journey. And while the emotional signposts are

always functional, with mental illness the emotions are
always functional, with mental illness the emotions
<$surname> / HOW are
TO HELP / 55
frequently distorted-
Someone with an Anxiety disorder feels anxiety (fear of
danger) in situations where they are actually safe. (Think of

someone with OCD who believes that if they don't count their
steps their mother will die, or someone with a social phobia who
fears rejection so badly that they avoid leaving the house.)
Someone with Depression feels hopeless, when the truth is

hopeful and the future holds purpose and meaning and joy. In
these moments we help by first acknowledging the emotions.
Expressing them, making them concrete by putting them into words

and sharing them with others. Sometimes that is enough-for them
to see the incongruence between their emotions and reality.

Sometimes we can nudge them in that direction, but don't push
them too far. We want to just be on the leading edge of their

understanding. Helping them stretch or grow just a little bit.
Usually we are most inclined to make others feel better

when we have an avoidant approach to emotions ourselves. If you
feel a desperate need to "Make someone feel better" you need to

work on emotional intelligence and emotional acceptance. I often
recommend the book "Get out of your mind and into your life" as
one way to learn this. Another way is practicing mindfulness.
I am not saying that there is never a place for advice,
looking on the bright side, or positivity. There absolutely is a

looking on the bright side, or positivity. There
<$surname> absolutely
/ HOW TO HELP is a
/ 56
place for it as part of an intentional strategy, but the reality
is that most people "Try to make someone fear better" from a
reactive and avoidant place. A more effective strategy is to be

patient, compassionate and provide emotional safety- at some
point they will probably ask you for advice, or you can ask
their permission and offer some suggestions that may be helpful.
You'll be more likely to find lasting solutions, but you'll

guarantee a stronger relationship regardless.
Chapter Ten
11 Create Emotional Safety
If we want help others, we have to be an emotionally safe

place for them. I made this video for my YouTube Channel on
emotional safety, and I'm going to share it here-so click on the

next video to learn about how to be an emotionally safe person.
#
Chapter Eleven
12 Empathic Listening
"I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect
to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most
important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And
especially if it's given from the heart. When people are
talking, there's no need to do anything but receive them. Just

take them in. Listen to what they're saying. Care about it. Most
times caring about it is even more important than understanding

times caring about it is even more important than
<$surname> understanding
/ HOW TO HELP / 57
it." -Rachel Naomi Remen

Here's the first skill that I'm going to teach. It's the
foundation of any good relationship, and most people don't know

that they suck at it.
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real

understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special
kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
Empathic listening is listening to hear instead of listening to
speak. It has two main parts:

1. Trying to understand
2. Communicating that you understand.

Empathic listening is not therapizing. It's not solving.
It's not giving advice or having the perfect thing to say It's
not trying to make them feel better. . Often the most helpful
thing you can do for someone is to help them feel heard. Give
them a space to talk and put their complex thoughts and feelings
into a more concrete form-words shared with others.
Allowing someone to speak and express their deep and

complicated feelings gives them the ability to find solutions,
because they're taking this nebulous problem and making it
concrete. When they give it a name, when they put words to their
experience- then they have the ability to face it. When people
face their emotions, they release their innate capacity to heal.

You can be key to helping them unlock this power by developing
You can be key to helping them unlock this power
<$surname> by developing
/ HOW TO HELP / 58
your skills and becoming an excellent listener.
If you learn nothing else in this course, learn how to

listen.
Listening to hear is a skill that can be developed. My
family and friends would not describe me as a naturally good

listener, but I have improved with practice
Watch my short video on Empathic Listening-then come back

to this segment:
Empathy vs. Sympathy-Brene Brown clip-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Here's an example of communicating emphatically with a

baby: As a mom-when my child gets hurt, I fee their pain plus
some. We literally have mirror neurons that fire and we

experience the same pain that they experience. That being said,
we want their pain to go away ASAP- so parents (myself included)

have a tendency to say things like "Shush, shhh, don't cry, it's
ok", or to quickly hand the child a sugary treat or a screen to
distract them (and ourselves) from our pain. But in the long
run that sends them the message that feelings are bad, try to
avoid them! I recently learned a song at my local story time

that teaches a much more empathic and emotionally intelligent
approach to soothing a crying baby:

1. a song:Boom boom baby go boom boom, or for older kids
"It's ok to be sad some times...little by little you'll

feel better again
2. Also I'm including a couple images from an amazing book

"How to talk so kids Will listen and how to listen so kids
will talk" -3 examples:
3. https://ozelita.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/how-to-talk-so-
kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk/
Image from book:

https://ozelita.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/img_0234.png?w=663&z
oom=2
"To be with another in this [empathic] way means that for
the time being, you lay aside your own views and values in order
to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it

means that you lay aside your self; this can only be done by
persons who are secure enough in themselves that they know they
will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or
bizarre world of the other, and that they can comfortably return
to their own world when they wish. Perhaps this description
makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, and
strong - yet subtle and gentle - way of being."

#
Chapter Twelve
13 What is your Motivation?

Why do you want to help your person?
Are you trying to help them because you care for them... or
are you trying to change them because they're bugging you?

Let's talk about your motivation. Because where you're
coming from is going to determine whether you'll be helpful or

not.
Usually when we're trying to change someone else, we're
doing it for selfish reasons. Maybe their behaviors irritate us.

Or perhaps their actions inconvenience us, embarrass us, cost us
money, time or energy. We want them to change because they make
us uncomfortable. We might even try to convince ourselves that

we're doing it for their good. But if our motivation is to
avoid our own discomfort our efforts will backfire.

People can sense our "Way of Being" how we're feeling
towards them. They can sense when we're trying to change them
to make ourselves feel good, or because they make us
uncomfortable. And can feel the difference when we're trying to
be helpful-even if we're doing it in an unskilled way. This is

why the more we try to force someone to change, the more they
will resist that change. Carl Rogers said " The curious paradox
is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change".

is that when I accept myself just as<$surname>
I am, then/ IHOW
canTOchange".
HELP / 65
And the same thing goes for others .
Your "Way of Being"-how you see others, how you feel about
them- is more important than your skills. Regardless of what
"skills" you're using people can sense deep down whether you
care about them and what your motivation is.
For example: In the next segments I'm going to teach

listening skills- but even listening skills can be used for good
or evil- have you ever had someone do all the right behaviors of
listening, but you can tell they don't really care? (they're
making good eye contact, using open body language, nodding and
repeating back what you say). When you can tell they don't
really care, all their "skills" seem hollow and false. It leaves
a bad taste in your mouth. People can tell how you feel about
them, so don't try to fake it, they'll sense it.
If you're bugged at them and trying to change them to make
yourself less irritated here are a few things that may be

helpful:
● work on your own understanding, acceptance of others, and

compassion.
○ Try to imagine what they are going through, what

difficulties they are facing.
● Try to see them wholly- no one is purely good or bad, make

an effort to see their positive attributes instead of
getting fixated on what you'd like them to change.

● Ask them what it's like for them to be experiencing
depression/etc.
● Look for the deeper than surface issues-people don't often
show their more vulnerable feelings, and instead their

behaviors on the surface may seem irritating, attention-
seeking, or rude. Try to look underneath their defense
mechanisms and imagine their tender feelings that they're

covering up.
● Seek out books or videos or other resources where people

explain what it's like to feel that way.
● Practice compassion- develop acceptance of the fact that

others make mistakes- don't forget that you also do things
that don't work-even when you know better. There are many
exercises that we can use to practice compassion, I'll put

a couple in the resources section.
● Practice Acceptance of your own emotions
Many people have heard
Well I've also heard another helpful version of it:
Grant me the serenity to Accept the people I cannot change

The Courage to change the one that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
If you're having a hard time with this I recommend the

books "Leadership and Self-Deception" and "The Anatomy of
Peace", both these books will walk you through a process to let
go of your frustration and anger and see your person from a
place of love, openness and compassion.
As you work to improve yourself, you can come to have a
"heart at peace" towards your loved one, even if they don't

change. And by improving your "Way of Being" you'll have a
better relationship and create an environment where change is

more likely. This internal change is more powerful and more
important than any skill or education that I can teach you.

Again with Carl Rogers: "In my early professional years I was
asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this
person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I
provide a relationship which this person may use for his own
personal growth?" ― Carl R. Rogers
#
Chapter Thirteen
14 Loving Boundaries
The third crucial aspect of a healthy relationship is good

boundaries.
When I was a young therapist, I did not have great

boundaries. I cared a lot about my clients, but I also felt
completely responsible for their behaviors and their progress.
Every time they made a small step forward I was thrilled, every
time they suffered a setback I was crushed. I got so wrapped up
in their outcome that I lost track of my own responsibilities. I

was so anxious and tense that I didn't sleep well, I worried
about saying the right thing and anxiously answered the phone
whenever I saw one of my clients needed something. Looking back
on this, I can see how my over-anxiety for them, and my taking
responsibility for their choices wasn't helpful to them. In the

long run it probably made me a worse therapist, and it didn't
allow them to freedom to work through their own journey and

because I was taking responsibility for their failures, they
couldn't take responsibility for their successes.

We need good boundaries to help people in an effective and
lasting way.
Good boundaries are about defining who is responsible for
who. You are responsible for yourself and your influence on

others, and your person is responsible for him or herself. Now
that I've got more experience doing therapy I still care deeply
for each of my clients, but I have a much clearer line- I let
them be responsible for themselves. I still work my tail off to

them be responsible for themselves. <$surname>
I still work my tail
/ HOW off /
TO HELP to69
improve and provide the best treatment I can, but I no longer
agonize and stress over every up and down.
Having good boundaries means being honest, speak up for
yourself. You may hesitate to give constructive feedback when

your person upsets you or lets you down, but honest
communication will actually help the relationship in the long

run. Don't suffer in silence, this may let resentment build-
and eventually your person will pick up on these negative

emotions and feel even worse. Try to bring up issues gently,
don't wait until you feel like exploding before speaking up. Be
honest but not blaming. Point out the good things they're doing
along with the things you're asking them to change.
Make sure to set boundaries around your time and resources.
Of course you would do anything for this person if you had

infinite time and energy and resources. But you don't. Make
sure not to "run faster than you have strength. Your own health
will suffer if you let your life be controlled by your person's
depression. You can't allow yourself to be completely depleted
because then you won't be able to help them or yourself.

To avoid burnout and resentment, make sure to be clear
about what you are willing and able to do. You're not their
therapist, doctor or savior. You are someone who cares.
For example, if your loved one is frequently lashing out at
you or wants to talk for hours each day, you will need to gently
but firmly set some boundaries. Let him know that, while you're
willing to listen and truly want to be supportive, you're not

willing to tolerate verbal abuse and that you, unfortunately, do
have limits to your time but want to be there for him as much as
your schedule allows.
I made three videos for my YouTube channel on boundaries

that might be helpful, so feel free to check them out.
boundaries are not mean - see video #1
boundaries are saying what you will do: see video #2

Boundaries are within your locus of control see video #3
#
I was recently working with the parent of a very
oppositional child, this parent was feeling pretty discouraged.

He said "Why bother working on myself? I could make all the
changes in the world and it might not make my daughter change.

She still has a trump card of attempting suicide. She could
still claim I'm making her anxious-even if I do change. Why
bother?"
His daughter was depressed, anxious, suicidal and had

His daughter was depressed, anxious, suicidal
<$surname> and
/ HOW TO had
HELP / 71
started making some bad choices with substances and boys, and
he was very worried about her. But when he got worried about her
he would become really upset and intense. He would yell and
criticize and point out everything that she was doing wrong and
it certainly wasn't helping. But when I tried to help him see
his contribution to the problem he got pretty defensive saying

"What's the point? I could change if I want but that doesn't
guarantee that my daughter would change."
When we are trying to help other people we need to
understand the difference between values and outcomes. Outcomes

are the end results and with almost everything including
ourselves we cannot guarantee outcomes. But we can make certain

outcomes more or less likely by how we act. I can invite
people to open up to me by being compassionate and I can invite
people to withdraw by being harsh. I can invite rebellion by

being authoritarian and I can invite respect by being firm and
respectful.
Every interaction I have is an invitation.
Take a minute and think about someone you really admire,

perhaps someone who made a difference in your life when you were
struggling- what were they like? Their characteristics that you
admire, those are traits you value.

Values are the characteristics that we choose as valuable.
They are the direction we are going, the path we are walking. We
have to decide which ones we prioritize. Values are not goals,
they are not something that we can check off. They are character
traits that we constantly strive to embody.
So ask yourself "What characteristics do I value in other

people?" What kind of character do I want to have? Most people
answer things like: Honesty. Kindness. Hardworking, supportive,

etc.
Take ten minutes and write down what kind of parent or
friend or spouse you want to be?
Carl Rogers identified Congruence as an essential

characteristic of a relationship that invites change. That means
that we need to be honest, sincere, and have integrity- that

means that we strive to line our actions up with our values,
that we're the same person when no one's looking, in public, or
with family or clients.

We should focus 95% of our efforts on improving ourselves
in a genuine, sincere and humble way. When we have a gap

between our values and our actions we create dissonance. We feel
unsettled and don't like ourselves. Work on bringing your life

in line with your values-congruence-before we try to change
anyone else.
Check out the resource in this section, in it are two

famous meditations that have helped me remember to work on my
half of every relationship, especially the difficult ones.
A few other resources on this topic is the book "Get out of
your mind and into your life", and two segments from my 30 days
course.
https://sites.google.com/site/integralconflictresolution/co
nflic-resolution/the-anatomy-of-peace
Excellent website summary!

#
St Francis of Assisi:
Lord make me an instrument of your peace

Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope

Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy
O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console

to be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned

And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life
Amen
Mother Teresa.
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-
centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you.

Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.

Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough.
Give the best you've got anyway.
You see,
in the final analysis it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

#
Chapter Fourteen
16 Enmeshment vs. Detachment-A Better Way
Let's work for a minute on differentiation: For people to
be healthy they need to have their own identity, be responsible

for themselves, but still be connected to others. This is called
interdependence.
When working with family members of people with Mental
<$surname>
When working with family members of people/ with
HOW TO HELP / 76
Mental
Illness, there are two patterns that pop up frequently, but are
not very helpful: Enmeshment and Detachment.
Enmeshment is when you are fused with another person.

Enmeshment sounds like "I need you to be ok for me to be
ok." "I need you to see things my way for us to be ok"

Underneath enmeshment is a strong empathic connection- but a
lack of knowing what to do with those emotions- so people
subconsciously send the message "Your emotions impact me so

strongly that the only way I know to avoid my emotions is try to
fix yours."
It's difficult to avoid enmeshment when a child or spouse
is having a serious difficulty, injury or illness. And this is

in part because of the intensity of emotions surrounding that
relationship. You care about them so much! Enmeshment is high
empathy, but low boundaries. Sometimes enmeshment looks like "I

need you to change for me to love you." But often it looks like
"I need to fix you for me to be ok". Enmeshment often creates

dependence on each other, lack of individuality, feelings of
being trapped, and confused responsibility (each person feeling

responsible for the other, but unable to help himself.) Because
each person is basing their emotions on the other, they feel

trapped, helpless, and out of control. Obviously this creates an
unhealthy relationship and conditions that make it nearly
impossible to heal.
To be healthy- Your identity and worth should not depend on

fixing others.
You might be enmeshed if:
1. You feel like you need to rescue someone from their

emotions
2. You need someone else to rescue you from your emotions

3. You can't tell the difference between your emotions and
theirs (you're only happy when they're happy, you can only be
sad if they're sad)

4. If you and the other person have little to no personal
time and space. Lack of privacy

5. Exclusivity in the relationship
6. Parent confiding secrets to child, parent relying on

child for their emotional support
7. Your (or their) self esteem depends on What they think
about you, or what you think about them

8. You feel like you're walking on eggshells
Detachment
The opposite of enmeshment is detachment, personal and
relational boundaries are overly rigid and family members come

and go without any apparent knowledge of what each other is
going through. While this may feel safer, it an be just as

going through. While this may feel <$surname>
safer, it an be just
/ HOW as / 78
TO HELP
problematic as enmeshment. The crazy thing about detachment is
that usually underneath it is not lack of concern for the other,
but an overwhelming concern-and that is uncomfortable,

stressful, exhausting and overwhelming. It can hurt to care. So
you cut off the person to protect yourself. Detachment is high

boundaries, low empathy. Now there are times when a situation
requires separation- for example if safety is a concern or a

lack of resources on your part.
But cutting someone off because it hurts to care- usually
isn't motivation for them to change. And it's often contrary to

your own values.
Signs of detachment include:

1. You're not talking to each other
2. You frequently avoid each other

3. You avoid talking about anything "real" conversation stays
superficial
4. You may feel angry or blame them, you bring to mind their
faults
5. You dread calling them or asking "how's it going"
Interdependence
A healthier approach is interdependence. Interdependence
means that each person is responsible for their own emotions and
actions, but there is still a supportive connection. People
reach out and help when able and when it's beneficial.
reach out and help when able and when it's beneficial.
Interdependence says "I can care. I can handle having my
feelings and my empathy for you. It's ok to feel."

Interdependence is high empathy, high boundaries. With
connection and boundaries comes Willingness and vulnerability
and separateness. People can make their own decisions, while

acknowledging the impact on others. Solving enmeshment and
detachment doesn't mean not caring, it means caring in an

empathic way but still giving the other responsibility for their
own emotions and decisions.

1. Your roles are clear, you're not the fixer, the savior, the
problem solver- you are a helper, and they are responsible
for their life.

2. You care, you feel for them, but you still make intentional
choices instead of being emotionally reactive

3. Adult roles are maintained (wife and husband turn to each
other instead of children for support)

4. You're connected, involved in each others lives, but not
dependent on them to feel ok and vice versa.

5. You act on your values, not their approval or emotions.
So it's not like you have to have connection at the cost of

independence or vice versa, but you have high love and high
boundaries- crisp clear understanding of who is responsible for

their own life. If you see signs of enmeshment or detachment in
your relationship with your person, see what you can do to

your relationship with your person, <$surname>
see what you can TO
/ HOW do HELP
to / 80
increase empathy and boundaries to move toward a healthier
relationship. It will help you feel more peace and help them
overcome patterns that interfere with their growth.
Chapter Fifteen
17 Are You Judging?
"The more I can keep a relationship free of judgment and
evaluation, the more this will permit the other person to reach
the point where he recognizes that the locus of evaluation, the
center of responsibility, lies within himself." ― Carl R.
Rogers,
Of course you're not judgmental.

I mean, you probably know someone who really is...don't
you? I mean, they're awful, they're always critical, pointing
out other's flaws. you can just tell that they think they're
better than others...what a jerk. They are so judgmental that
they probably spend time thinking about other people's flaws,

just to make themselves feel better. Thank goodness you're not
judgmental like them...go ahead and pat yourself on the back

right now for not being judgmental like that A-hole.
Can you see the irony there? ...
I'll give another example: No one thinks of themselves as

I'll give another example: No one thinks of
<$surname> themselves
/ HOW TO HELP as
/ 81
racist. Even if they hold false, discriminatory views toward a
group of people they believe they are correct to believe such

things as "Mexicans are lazy and undisciplined. Blacks are
ignorant and dangerous, often criminals. Muslims are terrorists"

The see themselves as justified in holding these views, so in
their mind they aren't being racist, they're just speaking
truth.
The same thing goes with being judgmental. No one thinks
that they are judgmental. Of course YOU don't think you're

judgmental. You just think you're right or that you know
better.
If you really want to be able to help someone, you have to
carefully and honestly check yourself for this self-deception.
So pause for a moment and ask yourself: "Do I have any of
the signs of being judgmental?"

Being Judgmental essentially means thinking, speaking or
acting in a critical or condemnatory manner. At it's essence is

a belief that you are better, know better or act better than the
other person. When we're judgmental we're not actually focused

on living our values, but rather we focus comparing ourselves
with the others.
There's a big difference between making a judgment and
being judgmental. Making a judgment can come from a place of

being judgmental. Making a judgment <$surname>
can come from a place
/ HOW of / 82
TO HELP
truth and love. Saying "Cigarettes are bad for you, and
Vegetables are good for you." Is a judgment and could be

factual, helpful, and loving. Looking at someone who is smoking
and thinking "Why are they doing that? It's so dumb!" reflects a
need to put the other person down. Being judgmental is actually
a defense mechanism, we try to lift ourselves up by knowing

better, knowing the right way, or priding ourselves on how we
don't have the problems other people have.
If we ever approach someone who is in pain with that kind
of attitude-we are going to create distance between ourselves

and the other. Either they accept your judgments and believe
they are bad, or they reject your judgments and listen a little
bit less to everything you say.
So now's the time to ask yourself-"Am I judging the person
I care about?" Here are some signs to look for:
• Do I think I'm right? That I have the answers? or that I

know better? (do you rely on education, research or other
knowledge to back up your arguments when someone resists?)

• Do I constantly think-"if they would only...then everything
would be better"
• Or " why can't they just take better care of themselves?"
• Do I expect other people to be consistent all the time? To
never make mistakes?

• Am I intolerant of people unlike myself?
• Do I have a strong inner critic? Am I rigid about

expectations or perfectionistic towards myself?
• Do I expect that my experience with depression/anxiety/life

is the same as theirs and they should handle it the way
that worked for me? "I got over my depression/trauma/ADD

why can't they?"
• Do I compare people a lot?
Being Right vs. Being helpful:
The problem with judgment isn't that the statements are

incorrect- often they're right. The problem with judgment is
that it isn't helpful because judgment is usually about thinking

you know the right way or the better way to solve something. The
problem is pride. Thinking you're "better than" them- which

creates a gap, distancing you from the person you love. It
forces a chasm in the relationship- and people resent being
looked down on. So even if you're right they'll reject your

advice because they can feel that you are putting them down
subconsciously. Or even worse- they'll accept the idea that they

are bad and feel even worse about their situation.
Sometime you may have a solution that you know is the
right, but it just isn't helpful. I think we've all experienced
that. A time when we gave some helpful advice, but it was

that. A time when we gave some helpful advice, /
<$surname> but itTO
HOW was
HELP / 84
rejected-
Sometimes we are right, and not being judgmental, but it's
just not the right time or the other person isn't in the right
space to take that information and apply it. Sometimes we're

right, but not helpful because the relationship isn't strong.
Whatever the reason, never let "Being right" get in the way of
being helpful. Be patient with others, try to understand them,
Remember that no one is trying to be a bad person, every

behavior serves a function-even if it's dysfunctional-they're
doing it for a reason.
We can replace judgment with compassion. Saying things

like "well maybe they aren't doing things right but I can
understand that because I also make mistakes in my life". Or

thinking "They're having a hard time right now, I also have hard
times" and "I can be gentle and loving even if someone has
faults." "Perhaps what works for me doesn't work for them."
Compassion helps up connect with people through our shared

experience.
Fault vs. Responsibility

When we are compassionate we can still hold someone
accountable for their life without blaming them for what is

happening. No one intentionally develops a mental illness. But
some of the choices we make can contribute to our mental health.

The good news about that is that you can make choices to improve
The good news about that is that you<$surname>
can make choices toHELP
/ HOW TO improve
/ 85
your mental health. Blaming someone for their mental illness is

never helpful. Blaming yourself for someone else's MI is also
unhelpful. Taking responsibility within your realm of control-
yourself-is helpful. Inviting them to do the same can be

helpful, depending on your role and relationship.
What's the difference between it being your fault and your
responsibility?
Will Smith Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-
E9ag
So replace judgment with compassion and humility, your
person will sense your way of being, feel safe with you, and be
more open to change and growth.
#
Chapter Sixteen
18 The Problem with Advice

The problem with advice is that presupposes that you know
what they are going through and that you have the solution for
it. Both of those statements might be true but how we help

someone matters more than what information we give them. The
problem with advice is that it often creates the perception of

judgment.
We often filter others' experiences through our own

We often filter others' experiences through
<$surname> our TO
/ HOW ownHELP / 86
perceptions, so if we've experienced depression we assume that

their experience with depression is the same as ours, or that
what worked for us will work for them. Contrary to what we're
trying to do, this actually shows them that we don't understand
their experience. We're so busy talking about what we think, or
our own experience that we can't hear their story.

The number one most important thing to do is to show them
that we understand and we care about them. The relationship is

more important than whatever solution we may have for them,
because the relationship is the real catalyst for healing.

And this is true as much for parents or spouses as it is
for me as a therapist. If I go in there trying to solve

someone's problems before showing them that I care about them
and showing them that I understand them. Then I'm going to
create distance between us and eventually my client is going to

stop showing up.
That doesn't mean that you should never give advice, Advice
can be helpful under a few conditions:

Number one: They know that you care about them and you've
put a ton of effort into showing them that. You've listened to
them and asked them to clarify what you understand they are
saying. You've laid the foundation of a good relationship, they
know you're not judging them or thinking you're better than

them.
Condition number two: They are open to the advice. You
might want to ask before you give any advice "Would you like to
know what has helped me? Would you like to hear my thoughts on
the issue?" But that can be a little bit of a trap for someone
who isn't feeling very assertive or is it feeling very well. In
that case they'll probably just submit in silence. It's
important to watch body language very carefully when you give

advice. Do they seem engaged? Do you feel connected with them?
If not, go right back to reflective listening and clarifying,

showing them with empathic statements that you care and
understand.
What if they argue with you? Does that mean you shouldn't
give advice? -maybe, if you sense that the arguing comes from a
place of defensiveness, then it may be a sign that you need to
check yourself for offensiveness (blame, judgment, know-it-all-

ism). But if you can be non-reactive, and listen carefully to
their arguments, you might get a really clear snapshot of the

obstacles they're facing as they try to change. This could give
you ideas of how to help them on a deeper level to overcome

those unseen obstacles.
Even when people come to me as a therapist, asking for

advice, I have to be careful to lay a firm foundation of care,
advice, I have to be careful to lay <$surname>
a firm foundation ofHELP
/ HOW TO care,
/ 88
empathy and expressed understanding. For example:
I was working with a client frequently acted out in anger

and even violence towards his family members-He expressed some
regret that none of his kids wanted a relationship with him, so

I suggested that he start making repairs. Taking accountability,
apologizing, etc. He quickly bristled, telling me about his

abusive step-fathers and, why he needed to treat his kids that
way so that they didn't mess up, and how unfair it was that he
had to come to counseling, and how he could change and be the

best dad in the world, but that wouldn't guarantee that they
would forgive him.

At that point I could have backed off, argued more, tried
to convince him of the error in his thinking, point out to him

his own accountability, etc. And each of those approaches might
right at some point, I've probably done each them at some point
with this client. But, in the moment I decided to answer softly,

to try to touch his soft spot. I said something like "It sounds
like you feel hopeless about the process" Are you afraid that
you've already ruined it?" And with that comment, this angry,
defensive, abusive man started to cry. He told me about his

fears, how he knew that he had messed up, and not been a good
father. How he feared that he would never be able to change and

how his actions affected his kids lives. He was arguing-not
because he disagreed with me (we could have gone in circles for

because he disagreed with me (we could have gone
<$surname> in circles
/ HOW TO HELP for
/ 89
hours about what he needed to change and he would have argued
with me that whole time). He was arguing because he was afraid
he was a hopelessly bad parent and that it was better to give up

than to risk trying.
It took about 6 months, but at some point this man became

so humbled, felt safe enough to go to his vulnerable places,
that he's now working his tail off to be a better dad, he's read
every book I've recommended-some of them three times. He's
learning to express his emotions in a healthy way. He's learning
to work through his anger and express his concern in a safe and
supportive manner
Advanced techniques like this can be practiced and

developed- they come from a system called "Motivational
Interviewing" which is basically a method to help people who

don't want to change to find their own motivation to do the
work. If you want to learn more you can check out some books
which I'll link to in the resources section.
Chapter Seventeen
19 Strengths Based Approach
Soccer analogy- I was a big soccer player in high school, I

loved it, and I especially loved scoring goals. Now if you've
got a shot at the goal and you think "Don't hit the post" what
do you think you'll hit? If you look at the goalie and think
"Keep it away from the goalie" Where do you think the ball will
"Keep it away from the goalie" Where<$surname>
do you think theTO
/ HOW ball will
HELP / 90
go? It will hit the post or the goalie nearly every time. Where
we put our focus is crucial for success. So in soccer you have

to pick a specific point-an open spot in the back of the net,
stare at that with laser vision, and then, when you kick the
ball, all the muscle memory and training will combine to make
your chances of success high.
We see this problem with focus in the lives of the person
we are trying to help, and also in our role as helpers, if we

only focus on their weaknesses, problems, and flaws then we are
going to likely make them worse. Instead I encourage a
strengths-based approach. It's not about denying or invalidating

the reality of the present-moment difficulties, it's about
choosing where we want to focus our attention.
A strength based approach means:

Instead of trying to get rid of problems, point your
actions and words toward solutions
Instead of trying not to feel sad-try to fill your life

with purpose
Instead of avoiding feeling lonely-try to fill your life

with connection and love
Instead of avoiding feeling empty-look to find meaning for

your life
Instead of escaping sadness- seek to create joy and peace.

Instead of avoiding anxiety-work to live the life you
value, even if it makes you uncomfortable
It's easy when we're tired, confused, frustrated, or
struggling to only see the negative. As we work to help our

loved one overcome depression, we may become hyperfocused on
depression. Same with anxiety, we build an entire set of habits

and adaptations and a life around our anxiety. This tends to
worsen the MI and suddenly we lose our life focus and direction-
what we want our life to be about. I've heard a problem-centered
approach referred to as "Dead people goals", so goals like "I

don't want to feel sad/anxious/angry" are goals that the only
people who achieve them are dead.
A Problem centered approach looks like:
We become so wrapped up in trying to not feeling depressed

that we lose track of what we want to make of life.
We notice other's flaws and weaknesses and may constantly

point them out
We pay attention to and are quick to "correct" bad
behavior, but slow to remember and acknowledge the good. If we

completely focus on eliminating weaknesses, then it's like
telling LeBron James that instead of practicing basketball, he

needs to learn chemistry because that's an area of weakness.
Make sure to keep a positive focus- I don't mean blowing
rainbow and butterflies up anyone's butt, I mean focus on what

you want, not on what you don't want. With little kids if you
say "Don't hit your sister" the only action word in that
sentence is "hit" what do you think they'll do? Instead you say
"please be soft with your sister" or "keep your hands to
yourself". If you tell someone "Don't be anxious, calm down"

they'll automatically tighten up. Speak to your person about
their successes, strengths, goals, dreams and desires and not

just about problems and pains
Instead we have to choose directions that we can act upon.
● Daily gratitude practice- take time to acknowledge the
good things-build a life of abundance

● Set goals that are within your realm of control (instead of
saying "I want to feel happy today" say "I will choose to
be grateful today" or "I will exercise today"- tasks that
move you towards that goal

● Notice and speak about the positive- help your person see
their efforts
● Put your attention on what your life purpose and values

are, instead of hyperfocusing on emotions-the paradox of
emotions is that the more we try to force or avoid our

●
emotions is that the more we try to force /

<$surname> orHOW
avoid our / 93
TO HELP
emotions, the worse we feel, the more we focus on the life
we desire, the better we feel

● Strive for a 5:1 ratio of interactions, this takes a lot of
work with a family member. That means 5 uplifting, bonding

or praising actions for every 1 corrective interaction. I'm
working on a supplemental video on this.

● Ask yourself and them "What is working for you" (You are
holding down a job, you got out of bed this morning, etc)
● Ask about exceptions- "Are there any times when you do feel
motivated? Are there times when you have been able to do
that activity, even though it scared you?"

● I like the "StrengthsFinder approach to leadership which
basically says that instead of focusing all your efforts on

removing your weaknesses as a leader, pair yourself with
someone who balances out your weaknesses with their
strengths. So if you're very creative but not very

organized, then you find a mentor or a partner who's great
at that and work with them.

● What strengths do you bring to the table to face this
challenge?
● What resources do you have to help you?
By identifying and acting on strengths, you'll be more
likely to foster good self-esteem, help create change and
maintain a good relationship with your person.

Here is a segment from my 30days 30 skills for emotion

processing book-
This is day 6: Emotions serve a purpose
While this course is working to teach many skills, and I

believe these skills to be helpful, it's important to
acknowledge that you already have within you the inherent
ability to resolve and manage your emotions, you have a deep

knowledge inside of you that will guide you and help you work
through thoughts and emotions with strength and integrity. I'm

just going to try to show you how to get out of the way of that
guiding force.
What do I mean when I say integrity? I mean lining up your

life and your actions with the kind of person that you want to
be. When we focus our energy on making bad feelings go away, we
often lose track of who we want to be.
The word Emotion- comes from the latin emovere which

literally means "To move", emotions are meant to help us take
action. They are powerful internal drives that are not easily
suppressed.
When we choose to see emotions as functional, instead of

When we choose to see emotions <$surname>
as functional, instead
/ HOW of/ 95
TO HELP
just uncomfortable inconveniences, we use our emotions as a

resource instead of an obstacle. Take a look at this chart that
shows possible functions for each emotion:
Emotion What it's trying Need/Action it

to say encourages
Sadness "There has been Slow down, heal,
a loss" or "The path or re-evaluate

you are on isn't
going to be
productive"
Fear/Anxiety 'Look Out!" Create safety

"Threat"
Excitement (aka "Here comes a Prepare and
Stress) challenge" perform
Anger "Someone is Protect, draw a
taking advantage" boundary

mistreatment
Guilt "I have done Make repairs
something wrong"
Love "Reach out, Connection,
nurture, lift up, relationship

you're safe"
And if you like stories-Here's a great example from Humans

And if you like stories-Here's <$surname> / HOW from
a great example TO HELP / 96
Humans
of New York:
"I smoked dope every day for twenty years. I thought I was
pretty slick. I could smoke while working. I could get high and
still run my company. I could pour concrete. I could roof a
building. I felt like I could do anything. But it ruined my

marriage. I didn't even realize it until years after my wife
left me. But the dope ruined my marriage because it made me

content. Nothing could bother me. Her feelings didn't bother me.
Her needs didn't bother me. The dope put an emotional cover over
what should have been obvious. I told myself that if I didn't
see the problem, then it didn't qualify as a problem. All I ever

did was give her advice. I never asked for it. I never once felt
the inspiration to say: 'Darling, I know there's something
wrong. What can I do differently?'"

http://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/152031235481/i-smoked-
dope-every-day-for-twenty-years-I
Emotions serve at least three important functions:

1. Warning signs to help us notice problems

2. Motivation to change
3. Connect us to other human beings
This is why a focus on coping skills doesn't work in the

long run. Here's an example: Let's assume that you feel very
angry because your child has been given an unfair grade at
school. You are friends with other moms of kids in the same
class and when you compare the assignments and grades, its clear
that the teacher gave him an F, and others A's when the level of
work was the same. This low grade might affect his ability to
go to college and that's really important to you.
Traditional logic (or modern self-help) says that if you're
angry you have two options: (1) express it (vent, yell, fight,
or let it out) or (2) cope (go for a run, punch a pillow, listen
to some calming music, distract yourself, etc). If this is your

approach, (especially if this is your only approach) then the
problem never gets solved. Coping skills just bury the problem,
only to resurface later.
In this case we can explore some constructive alternatives.

If we pause and look at the anger, where is it coming from?
Anger is often about fairness and protection (when it's not a

secondary emotion-day 8). If we listen to what the emotion is
secondary emotion-day 8). If we listen to what /
<$surname> the emotion
HOW is/ 98
TO HELP
telling us then some options open up:

1. Perhaps the solution is righting the wrong, making sure
that you stand up for your child who is being

mistreated or confront the teacher.
2. Maybe the right thing to do is to help your child find

safety by changing classes or schools.
3. Or you could encourage your child to help him feel
confident enough to be assertive with his teacher, to

talk about the issue.
4. Maybe the solution is actually that you need to change

your perspective, looking at the problem anew, or even
seeing what you thought to be mistreatment to be

actually fair or helpful treatment when viewed
honestly. You might call or email the teacher,
politely asking for clarification and find out that the

teacher caught your son cheating. This new perspective
gives you lots of new options for action to solve the

problem that have nothing to do with the teacher.
(This solution is frequently needed, the most helpful,

and the most difficult to do on our own)
5. In some rare circumstances, the problem is completely

out of our control and/or the best thing we can do is
to open up some space to feel and let the emotion pass
through us without taking action. We can help our

child understand that the world isn't fair, but that we
child understand that the world<$surname>
isn't fair, but TO
/ HOW that we / 99
HELP
can try to live that value of fairness, to "be the

change we wish to see in the world" Or go to school
board meetings to try to influence to big picture

problem of teacher training.
If we really look carefully at the root of the anger
emotion, then it gives us so many options for action on the

problem, instead of the emotions itself. Instead of reacting
impulsivly on our emotions or quickly suppressing emotions, we
should look to our emotions to see what they can teach us, what
they are trying to show and, and how we can take action that
lines up with our values. When we pause to explore the emotion,

we suddenly have so many more available responses instead of
just react or suppress. Pausing is a really important step-and

we're going to practice that throughout the course.
I really do believe that one of the main things that

contributes to cycles of depression or anxiety is emotional
avoidance. If you want to help your person make sure that you
aren't contributing to the problem by encouraging emotional
suppression or avoidance. Instead you could help them look for

the meaning behind their emotions, see what problem needs to be
solved.
Sometimes depression is there to show us that the life path

Sometimes depression is there <$surname>
to show us /
that
HOW the life /
TO HELP path
100
we have chosen is a dead end, and it's time to choose another
(for example, if you became a lawyer because your parents
expected you to, and you actually just want to be a writer,

artist or hich school track coach). Other times depression is
meant to help us take a deeper look at ourselves and our

relationships.
Anxiety at it's root is meant to keep us safe from actual

danger, when we acknowledge that function, we can clarify
whether a feared situation is actually dangerous or just feels
uncomfortable (ie public speaking).
My other course continues with what to do if the problem

seems out of our control or if we can't see any way to take
action...but we can't talk about everything in this course,

message me if you'd like to take a look at the advance copy of
that book.
https://mobile.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression
-t.html?referer=http://m.facebook.com/
#
Imagine you've a caveman (because our brain has not changed

much since 5000 years ago), and you need to build a bridge over
a very large river, and the only bridges you've ever seen before
are made out of trees. So you start chopping trees and cutting
trees and felling trees and debarking trees, and you work hard,
trees and felling trees and debarking trees, and
<$surname> youTO
/ HOW work hard,
HELP / 101
and you try to build a bridge, beasue you know that the other
side of this river has some great resources, you can see the
fruit trees and the deer that you need for food... you're
excited about the prospects and you even enjoy the feeling of
the hard work.
So you're working hard, and you start building your bridge,

but then you realize that the river is wider than even the
tallest tree. You started with tons of energy and enthusiams and
optimism, sure that you could accomplish this task, but your
first attempt to build this bridge fails! You lay some of the
trees across the river and they immediately get swept away by
the current- you lose all of your hard work, each of those trees
took days to cut down with stone axes and to shape with stone
tools.
You work day and night, you can't sleep as you think about
what you've got to accomplish tomorrow
So you don't give up, you try again, you cut more trees and
shape them, and connect them and you try to put posts in and you
carve your joints and you join two trees together and at this
point you've invested months of your precious time, time that

could have been spent gathering other food for the winter, and
your second bridge makes it further across the river and you're
hopeful and you working hard, but then, the river swells and
washes away all of your hard work.

Now at this point you've expended all your resources,
Now at this point you've expended all your
<$surname> resources,
/ HOW TO HELP / 102
you're exhusted, you're sore, you're freezing from being cold

and wet in the river's water. And you're running out of summer.
So your body kicks in some survival instincts.
You give up on the bridge. You're no longer interested in

something that was once exciting and enjoyable for you
Your eating habits change-you feel hungry all the time and
eat all the time, gaining weight and putting on fat. (unless of
course food isn't available, then you lose your appetite, stop
eating much, and conserve energy)
You feel hopeless about the prospects of this bridge ever
working.
You feel no desire to go work on it, you can't get
motivated to go out there and chop at some tree with a rock.
you stay in bed late in the day-you just want to sleep all day.
you look lazy but your body is trying to heal and replenish it's
strength.
Instead of hanging out with friends around the fire you
isolate yourself in your cave. You re-live your bridge failure

over and over, "What went wrong?" "Why did it fail?" "I am the
worst bridge builder ever!"
Can you see the depression symptoms here: here's a list:

● Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and making
decisions
● Fatigue
● Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness
● Pessimism and hopelessness

● Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or sleeping too much
● Irritability
● Restlessness
● Loss of interest in things once pleasurable, including sex
● Overeating, or appetite loss
● Aches, pains, headaches, or cramps that won't go away
● Digestive problems that don't get better, even with

treatment
● Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
● Suicidal thoughts or attempts
Now the interesting this is that, with a physical challenge

like building a bridge, those "symptoms" things that we see in
our modern day as dysfunctional or broken, are actually serving
an important and useful function. That feeling of hopelessness

is great, because it's going to stop you from wasting your time
cutting down trees that won't work. That over-eating or
undereating will help you survive the winter. The lack of
motivation and desire to stay in bed all day help your body
replenish its resources and heal from injuries. And that
excessive rumination, that over-thinking, going over and over in
your head "What went wrong?" Why did it fail?" pretty soon
you're going to be thinking about that bridge over and over,
you're going to be thinking about that bridge /
<$surname> over
HOW and over,/ 104
TO HELP
your body is going to heal, adn you're going to stop sleeping as

well at night because you've suddenly got a new idea- what if
you use large stones as pillars between the tree lengths?
Thank goodness you were hopeless about spanning the bridge
with just trees, because now you've got an even better idea for
how to cross the river. You carry baskets of rocks and some cut
stone, you build piles in the river part of the way across and
then use shorter lengths of wood to span those gaps.

All those "symptoms of depression actually serve a
function- helping you stay alive and solve problems by giving up
on hopeless ideas. Unfortunately sometimes with depression, we
believe something is hopeless when it is actually possible, the

bridge felt hopeless, but it wasn't the bridge that was
impossible, it was just the approach.
With depression our thoughts often convince us that "we are
a failure" instead of "What I was doing wasn't working" the

distortions make it hard for us to see the way out. I am not
saying that the symptoms of depression are comfortable, or that
the distorted and dark thoughts are ture, I'm saying that they
are markers that something needs to change. Keep trying new
things, new ways of thinking, seeing, or acting until you find
something that does work. Don't give up, but don't keep trying
to do things the same way.

Let's use another more modern example, let's use the
example of a middle aged man who just got divorced and is
example of a middle aged man who just got divorced
<$surname> / HOW and is
TO HELP / 105
feeling incredible depressed. He may ruminate over and over

about what went wrong. "I should have been a better spouse" What
if I hadn't had that affair" "How will the kids handle it?"
what if all that over thinking were to lead to him resolving to
be a better man, a father, and and a better partner. To improve
himself for the next relationship.
We are supposed to feel discouraged when things don't go

well. We are supposed to feel unmotivated when our life doesn't
line up with our values. WE are supposed to have dreams and feel
sad when we aren't living them.

Symptoms serve a purpose, they are road signs-something
needs to change.
Now let me take a step back. Sometimes depression is a

completely physical issue, not a problem in living. Sometimes
I'ts caused by anemia, a vitamin D deficiency, changes in light
levels as in Seasonal affective disorder, lack of exercise, and

a multitude of other physiological symptoms, and right now we
aren't able to tell what causes each individual's depression. We
can't know what causes your specific case, we just have to make
a stab in the dark, try new things until we hit upon the right
thing for you.
Check out my short course on 10 alternatives to medication
to improve mental health.
Also make sure you're not judging yourself or your person.

Check out my supplement resource from my 30 days course on
"Clean pain vs. Dirty pain" some pain is not cause by choices
it's just a beautiful part of being alive.
#
Chapter Eighteen
22 Patience
The journey is the destination.
We all wish that all our problems would go away. We want to
be happy. We dislike struggle. It doesn't feel good to be

mentally ill or to have a loved one struggle. If we could make
it all go away we would and so would they.
But the beauty of life is that life's lessons often take a

long time. Recovery takes time. For you to be helpful you need
to have realistic expectations about length of time, relapses,
etc.
I can't give even a general amount of time to expect,

because that depends so much on the different circumstances of
each case. Many people going to therapy for the first time
experience improvements within 8-12 weeks, but it's not uncommon
to need therapy for 4-6 months for average cases. For some
cases, the treatment and recovery process is something that
takes years. I recommend working with your person's doctor,

therapist, or other treatment provider to understand what a
typical length of treatment looks like. Ask about recovery,
typical length of treatment looks like. Ask about
<$surname> recovery,
/ HOW TO HELP / 107
maintenance and relapse prevention.
Many types of mental illness can be completely healed,
depressive episodes, panic and anxiety disorders, and other

forms of MI can be successfully treated and resolved for many
people. Others experience such a reduction in symptoms that they
are able to function perfectly happily in their life. And there

are some mental illnesses that never go away, some pre-
dispositions like Autism, Bi-Polar, and OCD come with specific
brain tendencies that may never completely resolve, but the
disorder can be mitigated, symptoms reduced or resolved, and

impact on life turned positive.
Have realistic expectations. It can be frustrating to watch

a depressed friend or family member struggle, especially if
progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even
with optimal treatment, recovery from depression doesn't happen
overnight.
When things are difficult we tend to try to rush through
them, frantically seeking to escape the pain that we're
experiencing. This can often make things worse. When an

airplane is going through a storm, it often experiences
turbulence-bouncing and dropping which can be very
uncomfortable. A pilot that I know described how one's natural
inclination is to try to speed up, get the plan through the

inclination is to try to speed up, <$surname>
get the plan through
/ HOW the / 108
TO HELP
storm as quickly as possible- but that just exacerbates the
bouncing, jolting and dropping. Instead the pilot needs to slow

down, take it easy, and ride through the storm gently and
carefully. When it comes to the storm of mental illness, Try to
slow down. (Plane Turbulence). Be where you're at. Find joy in
the journey instead of waiting for some future destination in

order to be happy.
When you love someone who is depressed, it's a great

opportunity to strengthen your ability to be patient. Try to
expand your capacity to feel and your ability to experience
difficulties with a positive attitude. One way to look at it is
a unique chance to improve yourself and your skills. Work to

strengthen your abilities to be compassionate, patient, and
understanding.
Part III: Basic Skills
Chapter Nineteen
23 Encourage them Access Resources
Alright, this segment is late in coming, really it probably

should have been the first segment of the whole course. You
should encourage your person to get help from professionals who
have spent decades learning how to help them. Hopefully that was
so obvious, that you've already tried it. In this segment I'm

going to talk about a few resources you may not have considered.
Even if your person is seeing a therapist, or willing to
consider getting help-they could benefit from your help

exploring those resources, sometimes it's just getting through
the door that's the hardest part. You can be really helpful by
doing some legwork and research to help find resources that will
work for them.
A good place to start is to ask them to speak with their
Doctor. Even if they aren't interested in medication, the doctor

Doctor. Even if they aren't interested in medication,
<$surname> / HOW TO the doctor
HELP / 110
could check them for nutrient deficiencies or other conditions
that mimic or contribute to mental health disorders.

Depression, Anxiety, and other disorders show up in our biology,
there is a cause and effect cycle. And the doctor may be able to
offer medications, evaluate severity, looks for contributing
causes, and point you/them toward local resources. The other

good thing about doctors is that they hold some level of
training and authority that your friend may trust.
(include a resource-list of conditions that may affect

mental health)
The next resource they could look toward is finding a
mental health professional to work with. There are multiple

types- Counselors, social workers, Licensed Mental Health
Counselors, psychologists, and psychologists- (see attached
resource from blog)

A few tips for finding a good therapist (see attached
resource from blog) look for someone you connect with, you trust
and feel like they care about you, but who challenges you and
pushes you. It is normal for the therapy process to be a little

uncomfortable, stick with it. If you need to- switch therapists-
there are many good ones, and a number of bad therapists...shop
around, not for someone who just says what you want to hear, but
who actually challenges you in a way that helps you stick with
it and grow.
Even if they don't want you to go to sessions with them,

you can still contact their therapist- without a release of
information the therapist can't tell you anything, but nothing

stops you from giving them information that they may need. You
could leave a message on their voicemail or send them an email
if you have information that they may need. Of course it's best
to work in tandem with your person about how and what to

communicate, but if you feel like you have some essential
information (ie your husband's drinking has become a real
problem, or your daughter is cutting herself) then find a way to

get that information to their therapist.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-
therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm#what
Schools, colleges, and universities often have a lot of
resources available, some provide counseling at free or reduced

rates (see attached resource from Blog), they often provide
psychological testing services, including testing for learning
disabilities or mental health issues. The Title IX office at
universities may provide services specific to women's issues,

including discrimination and sexual assault. Universities also
often have support for individuals with disabilities, the LGBTQ
community, substance abuse, and mental health issues.
There are also support groups- local services, hospitals
and mental health providers often host group therapy and support
groups. There are also groups for family members- Al-Anon is for
family members of people with addiction, NAMI-is an alliance to
support individuals and families of people with MI. Encourage

them to go get support, go with them, or go on your own.
Hospitals also provide education on a multitude of topics,
from pain management to weight loss, to living with diabetes,

substance abuse recovery, family support groups, grief and loss
groups, managing chronic or terminal illness, managing pain
without medication, mindfulness and meditation, and sometimes

even education or help accessing insurance coverage.
Get education: Online courses, helpguide, NIH, and NAMI are
all good resources for education.
And for some people online support groups can be helpful-
there are many facebook and other groups to support family

members of people with MI. Unfortunately these can be hit and
miss, depending on how the community is run, they may be
triggering, overwhelming, or teach unhelpful things-so look
carefully into that.

There are even online/digital services- like talkspace and

others where you can do therapy online, through email, video
chat, or text messaging. These are no replacement for live
therapy, but they can be better than nothing. There are also
some helpful apps that I recommend:
APPS:
Stop, Breathe, Think is one of my favorite, has you check

in with your emotions, and physical symptoms, then provides a
tailored meditation for your needs, you can choose the length of
time.
Youper- is free, can walk you through anxiety or depression

skills
Headspace- helps teach mindfulness and meditation
My3- provides
Just like your person shouldn't have to do this work alone,

neither should you. Work hard to expand the support network, get
their permission to include others in finding solutions. Look to

strengthen relationships with friends, family members,
professional support, spiritual leaders and faith communities.
Get as many people involved and connected as you can.

Despite the ease of connection in the digital age-we live in an
incredibly unconnected world. By reaching out to resources, you
can build up your "team" to fight against mental illness. Anyone
can build up your "team" to fight against mental
<$surname> illness.
/ HOW Anyone
TO HELP / 114
who's been in the trenches with mental illness knows that you
need all the help you can get. Creating a support network puts
the odds in your favor to help your person recover from mental
illness.
I'm including a worksheet:
(Resource-web support network)

Fill out this support network web- and look for places you
could strengthen that support

There's an app called "My3" and it gives you a place to put
your three (at least) people that you can call when you're
having a hard time.
If you don't know how to start building your support

network I give a few examples in this supplemental video from
my other course:
https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/Nami-
Family-Support-Group
#
Chapter Twenty
24 Invite them to be Active
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
One way to help your loved one get healthier is to initiate

One way to help your loved one<$surname>
get healthier isTO
/ HOW toHELP
initiate
/ 115
and encourage enjoyable activities. It may be just a 15 minute

walk, a brief game of cards, or going to grab a bit to eat.
Don't be insistent if he says no, but continue to invite him
from time to time and encourage him to do things he used to
enjoy on his own as well. Sometimes the hardest thing for people
who are depressed is to get started. Once they do that, inertia
often kicks in and they end up feeling a sense of
accomplishment. Physical activities (like walking, jogging,

biking, or even shooting some hoops) are especially beneficial
for depression because they boost endorphins – the feel-good
chemicals in the brain. 3
Take the time to find some activity that you can do

together.
A few others ways to get active: Help them start a craft,

build something, work with her hands, go to an event, get out of
the house, take a shower and put on clean clothes and makeup.
Even simple tasks like these can feel overwhelming, but 90% of
the difficulty is just getting started. Once that momentum
builds, they may find the next task easier to get started.
Often people with anxiety or depression are overwhelmed

with the seeming enormity of tasks- It may be necessary to help
them break down a task and just take one step in the right
them break down a task and just take one step /
<$surname> inHOW
theTO
right
HELP / 116
direction. That might be enough to get them motivated or moving,

but even if it doesn't, it's still one step-better than nothing.
I know of a running program where the initial goal is to just

put on your running clothes each day for a week. It's a small
goal that is easily accomplished, but you can imagine how
someone who is dressed and ready to workout might be more likely
to actually work out.
Sometimes a small goal is much better than a large goal.
Here's an example: once I was working with a client who had 5

kids, struggled with high anxiety and depression and was
frequently overwhelmed with all the tasks at hand. She had lost
her appetite, and was underweight; when your body is starving
your brain doesn't work very well and it's hard to recover from
mental illness, so I recommended that she try to find some easy,
gentle foods that she could eat without having to do a lot of
preparation. I suggested some pre-packaged smoothies, supplement

shakes and easy to prepare foods. We discussed how nutrient
deficiencies can impact mental health. Later she texted me with
a recipe for a smoothie that a clinical nutritionist had
recommended- of course the nutritionist did not love the idea of

any prepackaged food, and recommended that my client make a
smoothie from (zucchini, apples, spinach, lime, celery,
cucumber, broccoli, parsnip, avocado and other ingredients). I
can guarantee you that this smoothie was healthy and fresh and
can guarantee you that this smoothie was healthy
<$surname> andTO
/ HOW fresh
HELP and
/ 117
good for her nutritionally, but because she was so overwhelmed
with life- even driving and going to the store were anxiety
provoking, plus she had to take a bunch of kids with her, then
she'd have to pick out a bunch of produce-which is where the
kids always start getting into things, then she'd have to go

home, prep each of the ingredients and make the smoothie-
For someone who is overwhelmed by getting out of bed or
driving their car, making a smoothie like that, at the beginning

stages of recovery feels so overwhelming that people tend to
give up on eating healthily at all.
It's better to pick a small sustainable change than a

huge, ambitious, but overwhelming goal that won't last. We have
to honestly take into account our abilities, and how mental
illness is a drain on resources. So a slightly less nutritious,

but so much simpler pre-packaged smoothie was a better option
than the ideal green smoothie for this client, just because it
was more sustainable.
A second example of this a client I had who struggles with

depression who made a resolution to start exercising, she got a
membership at the local gym, even found a personal trainer. She

went to the gym once, then the second time met with her trainer.
Now you have to think about the type of people who become
Now you have to think about the type of people/ who
<$surname> HOW become
TO HELP / 118
personal trainers- they're people who love exercising, who are

super hardcore, and have a hard time comprehending the idea that
anyone could become overweight or not love exercise. Well this
trainer took the approach of "push yourself (you slug)" and so

my client did, she pushed herself to walk further on the
treadmill than she had walked in months, and by the end she was
injured, crying, and never went back. She missed out on the
chance to improve her mental and physical health because she
(And the trainer) took an all-or-nothing approach to fitness.
What would have been different if she had a trainer who just
encouraged her to do a little more than she usually did, to

start slow, gently, compasssionately? Perhaps my client would be
able to see exercise as something mildly enjoyable instead of
something to fear and dread.
So- when we're helping people get active or make changes,

encourage them to do something they enjoy and encourage them to
take small steps. Simple changes like going for a five minute
walk, getting dressed, leaving the house, or other small simple
goals can help build momentum. These simple actions actually
release dopamine-the reward and motivation neurotransmitter- in

the brain and can lead to lasting benefits.
#
Chapter Twenty-One
25 Help them Laugh

Here's a simple way to help your person: Make them do
something ridiculous, spontaneous or hilarious. Here's a few

ideas to get you started:
• Um...skinny dipping?
• Splashing in mud puddles

• Spontaneous road trip
• Make someone else's birthday special
• Play a nice prank

• Make a playlist together
• Do something physical- pickup basketball or an intense
class at the gym,
• Dance like no one is watching- party in the kitchen

• Do something you're scared of
• Learn to fix something that's broken (watch youtube videos)
• Make something with your hands-

• See how many marshmallows you can put in your mouth. Then
say sad things while holding the marshmallows in your mouth
• Slide down a flight of stairs on a mattress
• Host a board game party- or video game party

• Volunteer at a food kitchen or charity event
• Stick blueberries up your nose and see how far you can
shoot them
• Play biscuit blizzard. Crumble biscuits into large pieces
and have a friend blow them into your mouth with a
•
and have a friend blow them into your mouth
<$surname> with
/ HOW TO aHELP / 120
hairdryer. Caution: Make sure you do not to breathe in the

crumbs!
• Play "The Floor is Lava"
• Attempt an amazing but complex dessert recipe

• Break stuff- your own stuff that you don't want, or go to
a "Break it factory"
• Cook popcorn with the lid off

Youtube night! In general watching TV is not a substitute
for actual happiness, but there's a few exceptions:
https://youtu.be/PP9b_91PHi8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M9U9ll-vVk
there are lists and lists of this stuff on the
internets...so if you don't like these suggestions just type in

"Spontaneous fun things to do"
#
Chapter Twenty-Two
26 Stages of Change
What if your attempts to help your person are well meaning
and right, but they keep getting rejected or seem to fall flat?
Well it might mean that you're doing the right things but at the
wrong time. In this segment we're going to talk about Stages of
Change- And this is a more technical approach to helping, you
could read an entire book on this if you want to know more, but
<$surname>
could read an entire book on this if you want /
toHOW TO more,
know HELP / 121
but
I'm hoping that even understanding the basics of this could help
improve your approach to helping your person.

I'm going to touch briefly on stages of change, there's an
entire book written about this-"Stages of Change" Prochaska and
DiClemente
The basic idea is that 1)as people try to change they move
through different stages,2) at each stage different things are
helpful and others are not helpful, and 3) our attempts to help
people need to take into account the stage they are in, so here
are the stages that They identify:
Overview the stages first
Then go back and explain each stage and some helpful
actions
Stage What it Helpful Example
looks like- Actions of Depression

Alcoholic
Example
Pre- Alcoholic Create They
Contemplation: - "I don't doubt, don't think

They are have a "Classic they're
unaware there problem, I can Intervention- depressed,
is a problem stop when I gather people they just
is a problem stop when I gather people they just
or in denial want, it's my to tell them think they're

that they need life, it how their a bad human
help doesn't affect actions are being. They
anyone else. affecting you" think life is

increase actually
awareness of hopeless-they
risks and believe that
problems, others are out

question the to get them.
inevitability They may
of things acknowledge
staying the that they have
same, FIND depression-
HOPE, but they think
Motivational it's
interviewing. permanent,
With someone else's
depression fault, or
they may not pointless to

realize that try to change.
the way
they're They may

thinking or think it's
acting is not normal to feel
normal miserable all
<$surname> / HOW TO HELP all
miserable / 123
the time.
Helpful
actions:
Highlight how
their thinking
isn't
correct/is
distorted "I
know you feel
like a bad
person, but
that's not
actually true"
Highlight how
their
depression is
affecting
them-"Have you
noticed how
more often
than not, you
are miserable
and stay in
bed all
weekend?"
Compare
their symptoms
with a list
Go with
them to the
doctor to talk
about symptoms
Build a
relationship
where they
don't feel
judged, and
they feel
loved, and
worthwhile to
you. Explain
to them how
their symptoms
are affecting
you. Lovingly
tell them how
you worry
about them and
believe that
life can be
<$surname> / HOW TO can
life HELPbe/ 125
good for them.

Hope-
help them know

that they
don't always
have to feel
that way, that

it's
treatable. 85%
of people who
go to therapy
see
improvements.
Contempla Maybe I Help They know
tion: They may drink too weigh risk and they have a
know they have much, but I benefits of problem, but
a problem, but like partying changing they aren't
they aren't with my behavior, quite willing
willing to friends too evoke reasons to do

make changes much to quit, to change something
right now there's (build a about it. They
nothing else better may be talking

to do in this relationship about
town. Everyone with your depression,
town. Everyone with your depression,
else for it children, but not sure

resolve about taking
problems at action.
work) risks to Help them
not changing. believe in

Find their
motivation, potential for
dreams, growth and
purpose, get a change, build

vision, a relationship
strengthen with them
self-efficacy where they

(belief in know that you
ability to care about
change) them and see
Honesty them as
acknowledge valuable, and
their you are
obstacles trustworthy.
Preparati Starts Examine Do some

on-They want asking around alternatives research with
to make about to behavior, them, look
changes, but treatment, determine best into therapy
perhaps don't looks up AA course of providers,

perhaps don't looks up AA course of providers,
know how or meetings, action, find talk with a

aren't quite thinks about resources, get doctor about
ready to take throwing out guidance and options, watch

action just alcohol, does support for some YouTube
yet, so they some research healthy and videos
are thinking online, talks positive together on
and planning with a few people (see depression.

their change. people about your role Read the
Exploring. it. here!) helpguide.org
article on
depression and
treatments
together. Ask
around to see
if anyone has
any therapist
referrals,
Start to
plan out small
steps of
action (don't
try to do it
all at once,
just pick one
goal at a time
<$surname> / HOW TO at
goal HELP / 128
a time
and set a
timeframe to
do it.
Action: Throws Help to Help them

Start making out alcohol, establish a get their
changes, avoids clear plan of meds, and
actually doing parties, action, eat remind them to

the thing that starts going healthy, get take them.
they need to to AA, enough rest Help them set
do. and the DO IT up

This is the appointments
stage that and go with
most people them, help
without a them get

mental illness exercise,
jump to when encourage them
trying to help to talk with

seomeone. Thus you about what
creating a they're
disconnect. learning in
therapy and do
the HW
assignments
together. Got
together. Got
to therapy
with them.
Maintenan Makes Identify Help them

ce: They have new strategies for implement
made changes, friends/finds sustaining changes to

now it's time new activities change, ID sleep,
to develop all that don't obstacles and exercise,
the supporting involve relapse diet, thinking
habits to alcohol, finds potentials, patterns and

maintain the new ways to avoid negative improve
change, to resolve people, keep relationships.
stay emotions(like doing your Help them

motivated, social plan even when develop a
anxiety, it does not support
anger, have immediate network that
boredom) gratification, is deep and

instead of eat healthy, broad. Help
drinking, get enough them create
develops a rest and live lasting

support in a changes to
network- sustainable improve the
therapist, way. stories they
family, AA, tell.

sober friends, Stay in
sober friends, Stay in
etc. touch with
their
therapist as
appropriate,
Help them
continue to
use meds.
(Relapse) Looks This is a Remind
-Falling back for what went normal part of them that it's
into old ways wrong, gets the process, normal in life
back on the and an to have
bus. Turn a opportunity to setback.
bad day into learn, Progress is

good data. identify flaws more important
, white- than
knuckling, perfection.
establish Ask "What can

plans and we learn from
sustainable this?" How can
solutions to we create a
problems, more
return to sustainable
highest level plan? How can
highest level plan? How can
of action, we make
keep on relapses less
working it frequent or
until you find severe? What

a solution (or are the
quit and warning signs
resign before a
yourself to relapse?
your miserable Help them
minimal get back into
existence the stages of

forever ) change and
remind them
that this is
an upward
cycle, courage
is getting up
again. Help
them take one
or two small
steps forward.
Reconnect to
support
system, etc.
The growth and change process is not a straight line, we
often have to re-learn lessons or learn them more deeply or for

new contexts. I like to envision this process as an Upward
spiral instead of linear journey.
If you can figure out what stage your person is in, you can
tailor your actions to meet their needs, if they're in complete
denial they may need lots of empathy, hope and some kicks in the
pants (from a loving way of being), if they're in the action

stage-practical advice or help accessing resources might
actually be helpful,
So if you're serious about helping your person change, try

to line up your actions with the stage that they are in. You'll
be more likely to help, and less likely to keep hitting
resistance.
#
Chapter Twenty-Three
27 Asking Good Questions
Tiff's Brother story

I recently heard a story about a man who left his church,
he had been a prominent member-part of the leadership of the
church in a very visible position. All of his family members
were active members of the church and had been for generations,
his wife and children were active members of the church. His
his wife and children were active members of the
<$surname> church.
/ HOW His/ 133
TO HELP
Brother was bishop of the congregation. So you can imagine that

it was kind of a big deal when he decided that he was no longer
going to attend. People worried about him and wondered what was
going on. People prayed for him and his family. People visited
and encouraged. A few months later I heard a story from his
sister-She told me that she had invited her brother and his
family over for dinner, and during dinner they had gently asked
why he had left the church. He explained his reasons, and

expressed gratitude and relief to be able to talk about it. But
the thing that stood out to me was what he said next. He said
"You are the first person to ask me what my reasons were for
leaving. I've had people come talk to me trying to convince me
to come back, I've had people avoid me, I've had people come to
argue or try to change my mind or give me advice about what I
should be doing. But in all these months and with all these
people, you are the first ones who have wanted to listen to me
and hear my struggle. Through this whole process I've learned
who really cares about me and who just wants to change me."
Isn't that amazing? Out of all the people who cared about
him and had reached out to him, she was the first to just ask
him about his experience and genuinely listen. If we want to

help people we need to be able to gently and sincerely ask good
questions.
Asking good questions helps you understand what they're

going through, helps them feel cared about, strengthens your
connection, and can help them talk through and understand what
is going better. "Chances are that your friend is not going to
voluntarily cough up the information that you need, because he
or she is too ashamed of the symptoms and afraid he or she will

be judged" Each person's experience with Mental Illness is
different, so ask good questions to understand their journey.
As always, your "way of being" is more important than the

question you ask. You need to make sure you are coming from a
place of UPR, that you're not judging, but seeking to
understand. Asking too many questions, forcing it, or trying to

change them through questions is going to invite them to feel
interrogated and defensive. One depression sufferer said:
"Words aren't all that helpful to a person struggling

with depression. Because let me speak from experience... almost
everything she hears will somehow be twisted to sound like an
insult. Every suggestion -- St. John's Wort? Organic apples?

Yoga?–are going to come off as: You are doing something terribly
wrong and this is all your fault."
Make sure your heart is in the right place, and then look
over some of these examples. Listening carefully is more
over some of these examples. Listening carefully
<$surname> isTO
/ HOW more
HELP / 135
important that the question you ask. Listen first. Lay that
foundation. And then ask a question or two if you think it will
help. "
Avoid cliches like "How does that make you feel" and "So
what do you think about that?" (I never use these because they
just sound so infuriating). Ask open ended questions (questions
that don't have a yes/no answer). Another thing to look out for
is questions that start with "Why" no matter how compassionate
you're trying to be, if you start a question with "Why" it
sounds more judgmental or accusatory. Instead of "Why" say "What
led to this decision...?" or "tell me more about that..." Again,

with any skill, your way of being matters more than your skills,
but this is one small thing that may be helpful.
Some questions that may be helpful:
• You've seemed a little off lately, Do you want to talk?
• How do you like to be helped?

• What has your experience with this been?
• What do you think might help you to feel better?
• Can I drive you somewhere?

• Where are you getting your support? "Notice the difference
between saying, "Are you going to any support group
meetings?" which implies, "If you aren't, you are one lazy
•
meetings?" which implies, "If <$surname>

you aren't,/ you
HOW are one lazy
TO HELP / 136
son of a gun who deserves to be depressed." And "Where are

you getting your support?" which says, "You need some
support. Let's figure out a way to get it."

• Do you need to cry?
• Do you want me to stay with you?
• Can I help you with any matters that you are finding just
too difficult to deal with at the moment i.e. pay a bill,
walk your dog, do your shopping, make your bed
• Do you need me to go to the doctors/psych/counselor with
you?
• "Hey, would you like to come over and watch a show
sometime? I'll make some (x snack that you're really good
at making) or we can grab some ice
cream/popcorn/takeout/whatever and we can binge it out for

a night, no rules, no pressure."
• Can you think of anything contributing to your depression?

("This is a very gentle way of saying, "It's your abusive
marriage that's bringing you down, fool!" or "You think maybe
the witch you work with might have a little something to do with
the mood dips?" You're poking around, but not stopping the stick
on any one thing. Again, like the preschooler, she has to arrive
at her own conclusions, and when she does, she will take
accountability for what she can change and not blame you for any
negative results.")
• When did you first start to feel bad?

• Can you think of anything that may have triggered it?
• Do you have suicidal thoughts?
• Is there anything that makes you feel better?

• What makes you feel worse?
• Are you under stress?
• "Do you need to vent?"

• How is your treatment going?
• "I heard depression can also be physically taxing. Tell me
more. 4"
• Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just
feel upset?
• "How are you?" "No really, how are you doing?"
• "Did something happen that made you start feeling this

way?"
• What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of
this?
• Are you feeling more angry/hurt/sad?

• What are the worst times for you?
• If I did THIS to help - would that be good or not?
• What would be one step forward here?
• If you had unlimited powers to change things, what would

you do?
Here's a question that I only pull out when I know that I

have a stellar relationship, they know I care and have their
best interests at heart- this question could be quite offensive

if those things aren't in place, and even then it's a risky one:
• How is that(Staying in bed all day, avoiding homework,etc)
working for you?"
I hope this list helps you think of one or two ways to
connect with your person on a deeper level. Please don't just

take this list and read off every question- more important than
any question or technique is sincerely caring about them.
Sometimes we just don't know how to put words to our thoughts.
Questions can be a good way to express our concern for others-

but as always make sure your heart is in the right place, they
will sense your care and concern for them- and when you create
that safe place, they will have a chance to open up, grow and
heal.
#
Chapter Twenty-Four
28 Extend a Helping Hand

One thing that is hard to understand with people who are
experiencing depression, anxiety, or other mental illness is
their seeming inability to get motivated. They have the time to
get things done- but their house is a mess. Or they have a job
get things done- but their house is<$surname>
a mess. Or/ they have
HOW TO a job
HELP / 139
that interests them- but they just can't seem to perform. They
are smart, but they procrastinate studying or they fail an exam.

They may lose their job, fail their classes, or struggle to cook
dinner for the family. It can be frustrating, infuriating,
confusing, worrisome.
On the other hand, they are probably even more distressed
than you are by their struggle. They may feel exhausted,
depleted, overwhelmed, numb, unable to get started, guilt-
stricken. While it may appear that they don't care, in fact it's
usually the opposite-they are flooded with emotion to the point
of inaction. Sometimes our gut instinct, our reaction is to
tell them to get moving. Try to force or scare or threaten them

into action ( if you don't work on that essay you're going to
fail and then you'll be stuck working at McDonald's for the rest
of your life") etc. unfortunately that usually contributes to
the pile of emotions flooding them. Sometimes a loving kick in

the pants can be helpful, but trying to scare them into action
usually backfires.
When I talk about flooding I'm describing the physiological

process that our brain goes through when our emotions reach a
high level. The thinking part of our brain literally shuts down
and we revert to older, more primitive parts of our brain- the
limbic brain and the brain stem. The brain reverts to a default
survival mode called "Freeze". That means that the part of our
brain that plans things out, solves problems, thinks rationally,
brain that plans things out, solves<$surname>
problems, /
thinks rationally,
HOW TO HELP / 140
etc literally shuts down. If we want to help someone who is

overwhelmed, one thing that we can do occasionally is help them
get a few things done. (I made a video on this on my YouTube
Channel)
If someone had broken their arm, been diagnosed with
cancer, or come down with the flu it would seem natural for many
of us to reach out and offer to bring a meal or help with

errands, but for some reason with mental health-we draw back, we
fear causing harm, we worry about healthy boundaries or the long
term commitment. But it's ok to reach out. If you feel
comfortable- Extend a helping hand. Offer to run some errands,

help out with the kids, do the laundry, or drive him to a
doctor's appointment. Again – each of these things may feel
overwhelming when depressed. A sincere offer to help can mean a

lot.
The trick is to find the sweet spot of helpful but not
overwhelming or enabling. Feel free to set boundaries like "I
can't do this every day, but would it be ok if I brought your

family dinner on Thursday?". Or "would you like me to help
remind you about your upcoming homework?" with each
relationship and situation you'll have to choose what level

you're able to help. If we over-help, then we're harming by
enabling. Don't take responsibility for their life, don't do
their homework for them. Just try to be supportive. So don't be
afraid to help them, be honest with them about your boundaries,

afraid to help them, be honest with<$surname>
them about/ your boundaries,
HOW TO HELP / 141
and find a way to serve. A little act of kindness can go a long
way.
#
Chapter Twenty-Five
29 Helpful Statements:
Assuming that you've read and understood all the reasons
why you've got to lay a foundation of unconditional positive
regard, congruence, empathy, listening, and you know that your
person knows that you care about them just as they are, and that
they don't need to change for you, after all those things are in
place, there may be a space for some helpful statements- I'm
going to give some examples of statements that may be helpful,
obviously maybe only one or none of them will fit the situation,
use careful judgment-don't reactively try to "fix the problem".
But, at some point, one of these may be helpful:
(Was that enough disclaimers? I think the reason people get

fed up with empathetic listening is that they assume that
empathetic listening and helpful suggestions are mutually
exclusive, they aren't. You just have to lay that foundation

first, then you can help in all sorts of direct and powerful
ways" )
• "You won't always feel this way"

• "I have been feeling concerned about you

lately."
• "You can do hard things"
• "I'm here for you"

• Nothing-(back to that whole-listening
thing)
• "I wish I could reach out and give you a

big hug right now"
• "I care."
• "I may not understand your pain, but I can
offer my support."
• "You are a worthwhile person and you mean
a lot to me."
• "Your brain is lying to you right now, and
that is part of the illness."

• "Don't give up. You can get through this."
• "I love you for who you are. I'm not going
to leave you."
• "Recently, I have noticed some differences
in you and wondered how you are doing."
• "I wanted to check in with you because you
have seemed pretty down lately."
In a similar vein, they may have lost the ability to
recognize their positive attributes. You might reaffirm them by

recognize their positive attributes. You might/ reaffirm
<$surname> them/ by
HOW TO HELP 143
saying something like,
• "You're a sensitive person who cares for

others" or,
• "People really love you a lot. They think
you're a great person."
• "I can't honestly say that I know how you

feel, but I want to help in any way I can."
• "All I want to do is give you a hug and a
shoulder to cry on."

• "It's going to get better"
One man with depression said "Really many of the best
things I could think of for people to say to me when I was

severely depressed, weren't so much questions, but statements,
things to let me know that I had someone who knew about my
secret mental illness, and that they were not judging me."
• "I am here if you want to talk about

anything.
• I really care about you, and I don't want

to see you feel alone. But if you want to hang out and not
talk, we can do that. Just know that when, if ever, you
feel like saying anything, anything at all, I will be
here."
Let's talk about the difference between positive thinking

and empowering thinking
Positive thinking often backfires. That's because it often
feels fake or makes people feel helpless, because what people

are saying is-it's going to be fine because of external
circumstances that you can't control. It says you should feel
happy, no matter what and shames you if you don't. It says you
can just force yourself to feel happy. Or to be successful. Or

to beat the competetion. Anyone who's going through depression
or anxiety can't even begin to believe "positive thinking".
Almost everyone who hears "positive"thinking gives a little

scoff in response-that's because we know that reality is much
more nuanced- we can influence our emotions, but trying to
control them usually backfires. We can succeed at work, but that
doesn't mean we won't make mistakes. We can live a full life,

but that doesn't mean we'll feel happy all the time. Forced
positive thinking just doesn't jive with our reality.
Look on the bright side. It's not that bad. It could be

worse. At least... all come across as saying " you're wrong" "
you don't actually feel sad" it denies the reality of their
experience, it invites arguing and is inherently oppositional.

Instead, put yourself on their team. Start with listening.
Empathizing. Make sure you understand. And then you can
encourage them that they can do it!

Instead of positive thinking, I recommend communicating
with empowering statements.
Empowering thinking helps people feel that internal locus
of control-that belief that they can have a good life based on

their own attempts and actions.
So let's compare a couple statements:
Positive Thinking Empowering Thinking
"Everything's going to be The reality is that
ok" (You're going to be ok things are going to include

because nothing will go wrong) difficulties, "Even if things
are difficult, I know that you
can do hard things"
"You're going to ace that "You're going to go out

interview" (Don't mess up, there and play/work your
success depends on perfection) hardest. Win or lose, I'm
proud of you" (focus your

energy on your effort and the
outcomes will go your way)
"No one's going to think "Even if some does think

badly of you" (Your success is badly of you-its ok because
badly of you" (Your success is badly of you-its ok because
dependent on other people not you're true worth is based so

being judgmental) much more than other's
opinions."(You are good
because of the kind of person
that you are, not on what

others think)
"Everything's going to go "I'm so impressed with

perfect at your presentation" you. - You've done so much
practice and preparation that

you really know your stuff."
With all your attempts to be supportive and help your
person, make sure to reinforce the idea that they have power
over their life. Remind them that they are strong. Remind them
that they can do hard things.
Gratitude
Remembering the good too. Acknowledging what is working.
#
Chapter Twenty-Six
30 How to choose a Therapist
How do I find a good therapist? (That I can afford?)
While this task might feel overwhelming in big cities and
nearly impossible in small towns, here are a few resources that

nearly impossible in small towns, here are a few resources that
you can check out in your search for a Counselor.
If you're worried about costs there are a few things you

can try:
School: If you are in school ask what resources your school

provides, Public schools are required to provide testing for
issues that interfere with academics. Some schools are more and
some are less willing to help out, some school offer mentors,
support groups and you could look into a 504 or IEP plan if your
mental health issues are interfering with school work or
behavior. If you're at a university check out their student
services/counseling center-they often offer therapy services at
a reduced rate, but they often have long waits.
University Counseling Services: Even if you're not a
student, you may be able to access discounted therapy services

at a University where students who are studying to become
therapists do therapy under supervision of a licensed therapist.
City or County Services: City services often have a mental

health Services Providers who offer services to patients with
Medicare, Disability or on a sliding fee scale which means that
your fee depends on your income. The good thing is that they are
often more affordable than private practice Therapists, but the
often more affordable than private <$surname>
practice Therapists, but /
/ HOW TO HELP the
148
downside is that many of their therapists often have large

caseloads and therefore less time to prepare for sessions and
dedicate to each client.
Private Practice Therapists: in my area therapists

typically charge between $90- 175 and up for a 50 minute
session. These therapists often specialize in a certain area of
mental health and see fewer clients than their colleagues in

County services, meaning that they hopefully have a little more
time to devote to preparing for each case, study, billing, and
training that all take time after work. Some of them take
private pay and others bill certain insurances. When you call to
set up an appointment make sure to ask about fees and insurance.
If you're having a hard time finding a therapist who will

take your insurance (a common problem) you can try contacting
your insurance provider and asking them for a list of their in-
network therapists in the area.
Ask your local clergy: In Utah, Bishops are a great source

for referrals. They have often worked with a few therapists who
they know and trust to send their flock to. They can also
sometimes help out with the costs. Speak with your pastor,
reverend or other leader and see how they can help you and your
family out.
Another way to find a therapist is to simply Google them or
look up their profiles on a network like Psychology Today, APA,

AAMFT, or NASW,
Ask for referrals from friends you feel comfortable with.
You'll be surprised how many people you know are in therapy.
What to look for in a therapist:
You want to find someone who is experienced and hopefully

someone who specializes in your area of concern. There are many
different types of licensing- CMHC, LCSW, LMFT, Psychologists
and Psychiatrists (Doctors). They may have a masters or
doctorate level degree. And there are over 500 therapeutic

models or approaches, I often say if you put 3 therapists in a
room and ask them a question you'll get 5 different opinions on
the issue. My approach to therapy is very different from my good

friends who are therapists, and while we're different- I have a
lot of respect for the work they do and I know they get good
results.
A lot of research says that CBT-Cognitive Behavioral

Therapy- is the most effective approach to treating mental
illness, and while it is effective, one reason that it has so
much research is that it is a treatment modality that works well
in research studies. It's easy to research because it's

in research studies. It's easy to research because
<$surname> / HOW it's
TO HELP / 150
formulaic, predictable and basically comes with a recipe. Other
modalities are equally or more effective-but less simple to

research, so I personally wouldn't rule out someone whose
primary approach was something other than CBT.
Research shows that the therapeutic relationship matters

more than the treatment techniques. You may have to shop around
to find a therapist who you feel like understands you and you
feel comfortable connecting with. I honestly believe that about
30% of therapists are not very helpful, so I recommend that you

make sure to find one that pushes you, teaches you, and helps
you grow. If all they do is validate and listen, if therapy is
too comfortable and easy then it may not be as helpful as a

therapist who understands you but also pushes you toward growth.
If you're a family member, you'll want to work with your
person and the therapist to clarify how much communication about
treatment is helpful. Unless you are the parent of a minor who

is in therapy, the therapist has to keep treatment confidential
unless your person signs a release allowing the therapist to
talk about them. Often therapists who are not Marriage and
Family therapist won't be too open to including family members
in treatment, but you can ask them ahead of time what their
policy is when working with multiple family members or concerned
individuals.
If you are a parent, you have the right to access your
child's medical information. That means you can request to see
child's medical information. That means you can
<$surname> request
/ HOW to see
TO HELP / 151
case notes, treatment plans, or other records. But there are

many factors that influence treatment. Your child can really
benefit from some privacy. Usually when I'm working with a
teenager my policy is that I want to hear from the parent during

the first session, then I want a couple of session alone with
the teen. I work to help them feel safe and comfortable with
them. I tell the parent that everything the child tells me I

will keep confidential unless it is a safety risk or a mandatory
reporting. Then anything else I think they should know, I'll
work with the teenager to find an appropriate way to tell their
parent or to give me permission to report it. This helps create

a safe place for the teenager to be honest and work through
their difficulties without worrying what their parent's will
think. I do try to involve parents as much as is helpful, but

I'm always walking that fine line of emotional safety and family
work.
Therapy is the most effective treatment for mental illness,
more effective than medication, and it has rates of around 85%

of people who go to therapy experience some improvement. Finding
a good therapist who you can afford may feel like a monumental
task, but it's worth the effort. So start doing your research,
you may have to meet a couple therapists before you find one
that works well with you, and then be consistent. Going to
therapy takes time and effort but it will pay you back in the
long run.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
31 What to do if they Won't Get Help
Here's another very-common problem: What can you do if your
person refuses to go to therapy?
First, step back from your opinions and start with

understanding.
Instead of trying to convince them,argue or debate-first

seek to understand why someone might not seek help- ask them
specifically, and listen, reflect back to them. There are many
reasons why people don't want to go to therapy or take

medications, if we ignore, debate, or gloss over these
difficulties we aren't going to be likely to help people
overcome these obstacles to, so here's a few examples of common

obstacles to getting help. Try to understand what's stopping
them from getting help and then you may be able to circumvent
that obstacle.
• I don't want to talk to a stranger. (they will be neutral,

confidential, and present an outside perspective)
• It costs too much (takes too much time, energy,) - not

going to therapy is also very costly, people lose
productivity, they lose their job or their marriage
•
productivity, they lose their <$surname>

job or their marriage
/ HOW TO HELP / 153
(divorce is very expensive)

• It's too embarrassing, they worry about stigma- (even
professional athletes work with therapists to learn how to
perform better)
• "I saw one once and it didn't help" -(some therapists
really aren't that great, you should shop around to find
one you like)

• What good is talking going to do? (studies show that
talking with a trained professional can actually change
brain structure, function and chemistry)
• maybe they worry that if they have to ask for help it will
mean that they are incapable of managing their own life.
(reaching out for help is actuallly a sign of strength and
wisdom)
• It's not THAT bad? (How long do you want to wait? How bad
do you want it to get before you reach out?)
Now while I think these reasons are real concerns, I don't

often think they are valid. If you think your person needs help
but refuses to get it, and you know that they know that you
understand there reasons, you can try to gently reason with
them. (here's a few examples)
Be available, stay in touch, with non-emergency situations
you can be patient and persuasive.

You could try to set an example by being willing to get
help yourself. Go to a therapist for yourself, ask the therapist

about your life, or about how you can help your person.
Educate yourself. Read a book or article on the topic of
their struggle.
Encourage them to access any other type of resource

Help them see the effects of their disorder on others
Be available, don't cut them off unless you have to for

your safety or sanity. Stay in touch with them frequently.
A word on cutting people off. There really is a time and
place for this. It is ok to cut people off, especially if you

are just getting to know them or it's a romantic relationship
that is not committed. You don't have to save, change or be
there for every single person that you meet. Sometimes cutting
someone off is the catalyst for them seeing that they need to do
some work. But with family members, we can cut someone off with
our time and presence, but how we feel about them we will always
carry with us. If the time comes to cut someone off, do it with
love for them in your heart and their best interests in mind.
That being said, there are often times when you will have
to set a boundary with them. A boundary is not saying what they
have to do. A boundary is about what you will do. So if it is

your child (and you fear they are depressed or suicidal) you
your child (and you fear they are depressed or/ suicidal)
<$surname> you
HOW TO HELP / 155
could say something like- "You need to see a counselor, either

you choose one or I will choose one for you. If you don't go to
therapy then I will not let you be alone in your room, I will
have you sleep in our room." Or as a spouse- "We need to get

help or this situation is not sustainable. I will have to leave"
Or to an adult child-"you need to go to therapy or else you
can't live in my house any more".
Offer to help your depressed loved one find a doctor or

therapist and go with them on the first visit. Finding the right
treatment provider can be difficult, and is often a trial-and-

error process. For a depressed person already low on energy, it
is a huge help to have assistance making calls and looking into
the options.
Encourage the person to make a thorough list of symptoms-

both mental and physical. You can even bring up things that you
have noticed as an outside observer, such as, "You seem to feel
much worse in the mornings," or "You always get stomach pains

before work."
Know when to force it: For example, if the person is
suicidal or if you are in a role of greater responsibility like
a parent, or spouse on the verge of divorce.

With safety issues, if your person is putting themselves or
others in danger you say something like "Either you call
someone for help, or I'm calling 911"

In another segment I'm going to talk about how to align

your efforts with their "Stage of Change" If they are in denial
about having a problem, there are specific things you can do to

help them in that stage, same thing goes if they know they have
a problem but aren't ready to work on it yet...So check out that
segment.
Watching someone suffer without getting help can be so hard
for you. Try to walk that fine line of being both understanding
and persuasive, but also allowing your person to make their own
choices and let the natural outcomes of those choices apply.

Even if your person refuses professional help, there are still
many things that you can do to actively support their recovery,
so don't give up. Keep working through this course and do what
you can to create a supportive environment that invites the best
out of others. Even if they never get help, they'll know that
you care about them.
https://www.thecut.com/2017/12/how-to-convince-someone-to-
go-to-therapy.html
#
Chapter Twenty-Eight
32 Go to Therapy Yourself to Seek Tailored Advice
Here's something that not many people think about- I've
talked with so many desperate parents or spouses, who would do
anything to get their child to go to therapy, but when I ask

them if they would be willing to go they seem confused, shocked,
them if they would be willing to go<$surname>
they seem /
confused, shocked,
HOW TO HELP / 157
and hesitant. Most people don't realize that they could get
individualized support, ideas, resources, and training on how to
interact with their loved one by seeing a good counselor. Here
are a few reasons why seeing a mental helath professional

yourself may be helpful, even if you don't struggle with mental
illness yourself:
● Get an outside perspective on how your role is
helping/harming the situation

● Get specific education about your person's condition
● Gain insight into ways that you think or talk that make
things worse or could make things better.
● The therapist may be able to recognize a pattern that leads

to a better diagnosis- which may lead to all sorts of new
resources/connections
● Learn about helpful resources in the community, or

educational resources like books or seminars
● Get emotional support-trying to help someone with MI can be
so exhausting, it's hard to not feel overwhelmed or
discouraged, frustrated or confused. A Mental Health

professional can help you work through your emotions and
needs in a healthy way. You may learn how to work through
your emotions, set healthy boundaries, and find balance

with your needs and theirs.
● Set an example for your person, walk the walk if you talk
the talk, show that the stigma isn't as important as
●
the talk, show that the stigma<$surname>
isn't as important as
/ HOW TO HELP / 158
getting help, demonstrate that reaching out for support is

a sign of strength not weakness.
While many LPC's and CMHC's and LCSW's will be helpful, I

may be biased but an LMFT (licensed marriage and family
therapist) tends to think systemically, meaning that they will
help you adjust your role in the system to be more helpful for
your person. Instead of trying to change them, put 95% of your
efforts into improving yourself. you'll probably be blown away
at the difference it makes
Part IV: More advanced interventions:
Chapter Twenty-Nine
33 Homeostasis And Polarization
Here's a question I get frequently- "How do I help my
husband-he is so depressed, I'm always the positive one and he

is such a drag?"
Here's the crazy thing-this wife might actually be inviting

that negativity with her over-positivity.
One really fascinating aspect to relationships is how we
sometimes create a dynamic that fuels the opposite of what we're

trying to create. An easy example of this is a girl who so badly
wants attention from her crush that she is overbearing-she tries
so hard to get close -by writing notes and sitting with him, and
pushing for closeness that he reacts by pushing her away. She

wanted closeness, but her overbearing attempts ended up inviting
the opposite from him.
In our family systems this is called "homeostasis"-this
means the inherent nature of systems is that they like to remain

balanced, or stable. They resist change and after something
changes they try to revert back to the old status quickly, if
that fails they seek a new balance.
Imagine oil and water in a bottle - when things are still

they are separated, when you shake them up-they blend together
briefly, but then the revert back to their old balance-oil on
top, water on bottom. This happens with milk that is not

homogenized- the cream floats to the top, but when they
homogenize the milk it creates a new balance that keeps milk a
consistent texture.
So what does this mean? People inherently resist change,

and they inherently seek balance. Some familiar examples:
Sometimes people seek balance by recreating the environment

they grew up in because that's what feels natural and normal for
them. We often grown up and find out that we turn into our mom.
Let me give another example:
In my family-when one person is getting stressed out and

planning some big event, the others take a chill-I'll go with
it- approach. If everyone got hyped up, there would be even more
stress and tension, so to balance things out-one person chills.
(This isn't a conscious choice, its an intuitive reaction). When

(This isn't a conscious choice, its<$surname>
an intuitive reaction).
/ HOW When
TO HELP / 161
taken to an extreme this could lead to one person assuming the
"passive" role to make up for someone else assuming the "do-it-

all" role. And the problem with this isn't that each person is
working to keep things balanced, but rather the problem is when
those roles become rigid, repetitive and inflexible. When one

person almost always has to take the role of the chill person
because the other is almost always taking the role of the do-it-
all.
The most classic example of this is polarizing- so if one

spouse is being really negative then the other takes the role of
being super positive. The more negative the one the more
positive the other. They are trying to balance each other out-
but the gap between them just grows.
This becomes especially problematic if each person
progressively becomes further and further from the center, this

can create an escalating cycle that is hard to step out of.
Sometimes we're positive just to be oppositional, just to oppose
our family member. I've even been in relationships where we

basically took turns being sad or overwhelmed because it was a
way to connect.
I often have a hard time on Saturdays and Ryan is pretty
supportive. But when he was having a hard time one Saturday it

was easy to put aside my wants and support him. When these roles
bring closeness and are flexible they tend to work. When the
bring closeness and are flexible they tend to /
<$surname> work. When
HOW TO the/ 162
HELP
roles are rigid and escalating they lead to dysfunctional

dynamics.
If we want to break out of negative cycles, and improve our
roles, we have to be really intentional and flexible.
Family therapists are specialists at identifying roles and
helping people create systemic change, a "new normal"

environment in your home.
One of the things they might recommend is this:
If you catch yourself in a cycle of polarization try to put

yourself side by side with them instead of opposing them. That
usually means going back to empathy. So a statement like "look
on the bright side" usually evokes a polarizing response like

"Here's all the reasons why my life sucks". Empathic statements
like, "sounds like you're having a hard time right now"-can draw
you together. Making statements like " how can we work toward a
solution together? Can also help build closeness instead of

polarization.
We aren't just trying to create balance in relationship
roles, we're striving for closeness. That requires us to be

flexible, empathic and intentional.
Drawing together also means not taking over for someone.
It means trusting them to be able to handle things-
acknowledging their strengths and capabilities and not using

acknowledging their strengths and capabilities
<$surname> / and
HOW not using/ 163
TO HELP
their weaknesses as your source of identity.
So thinking something like " I'm the positive on in the

relationship". I'm the hard worker in the marriage" fosters
that rigidity and invites an environment where the other person
underperforms (subconsiously supporting your identity).

Needing things to be done the "right way" can also lead to
a feeling of " why am I the only one who does things around
here".
What this all comes down to is understanding how your half

of the cycle is inviting the other person's behaviors. So if
you're feeling stuck a being the "positive one" or the "only one
who gets anything done around here" then checking yourself and
what you're inviting may be more effective at creating change
than trying to get the other person to change.
So if your problem is polarization with positivity- I'm not

saying that you should start to be more negative. Just stay
positive while trying to close the gap between you and them-
show empathy. Focus on understanding. Perhaps the problem is not

the thing they are talking about but that they want to feel
important to you. Or they want to feel validated. They want to
matter to you or feel understood. Emotions are stored in our

mammalian brain- that means that many of them are really about
connection. Look for what's underneath the content.
If your problem is overwork/underwork. Allow them to have

responsibilities and allow them to fail occasionally. Let the
natural consequences ( outcomes) apply. Check yourself for

enabling behaviors. Look out for rescuing behaviors. These
attempts to "help too much" are usually more about you and your
need to fix someone instead of about actually helping others.
If you can identify your contribution to the cycle, then

you can take practical action to create change. As usual, I
recommend working with a therapist to help you identify specific

ways you can change.
#
Chapter Thirty
34 How to Talk about Suicide
What if they're having thoughts of suicide?
The topic of suicide is a difficult one for many people,
it's scary to think about and many people just don't know how to
respond if their person talks about suicide of if you wonder if
they're having thoughts of suicide. But with a little education
you can become much more comfortable broaching the subject,
knowing what to ask, and knowing when to take action to keep

them safe.
Research shows that if someone who is suicidal can be
prevented from immediately acting, that later they often get

prevented from immediately acting, <$surname>
that later /
they
HOW often get/ 165
TO HELP
feeling better, they no longer feel suicidal and are grateful
that they are alive. Suicide is overwhelmingly an impulsive act.

One study "of survivors that said only 13 percent reported
thinking about committing suicide for eight hours or longer; 70
percent said they thought about it for less than an hour; and a
whopping 24 percent said the idea had occurred to them less than
five minutes before their attempt." Another example is data from
England, before 1970's the type of gas that was used in ovens
provided a convenient, easy and painless way to die. When they

changed the gas over to natural gas in the 1970's suicide rates
dropped 30%, that means that 1/3 of people didn't commit suicide
simply because it was more difficult to do so. Your job is to
make it difficult for them, slow them down and give them
alternatives. You can make a difference in people's lives.
When someone is depressed, suicide is a very real danger.

It's important to know the warning signs:
● Talking about suicide, dying, or harming oneself; a
preoccupation with death
● Expressing feelings of hopelessness or self-hate

● Acting in dangerous or self-destructive ways
● Getting affairs in order and saying goodbye
● Anger, rage, wanting revenge
● Seeking out pills, weapons, or other lethal objects

● Sudden sense of calm after a depression
● Giving away possessions

And here are some risk factors, meaning things that
statistically make a suicide attempt more likely:
● Impulsivity
● Elderly or teenagers are at higher risk
● Mental illness
● Having access to a means (pills, drugs, firearm)

● Recent loss, recent suicide at their school, recent break-
up of relationship
● Previous suicide attempts

● Females tend to have more suicide attempts, males tend to
choose more lethal methods
● Substance use/abuse
First thing to know, you can reach out for help, contact a
mental health professional or calling the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). The

Lifeline staff can refer you to resources in your community.
Lifeline has trained counselors available 24/7. To find support
groups outside the U.S., go to Befrienders Worldwide.
#1. Don't be afraid to ask them about it. Talk about it .

Research shows that talking with someone about suicide is not
Research shows that talking with someone about/ suicide
<$surname> is not
HOW TO HELP / 167
going to encourage them to do it. Ask them directly if they have

suicidal thoughts or plans. -If they say yes, they need to see
a Mental Health Professional. You can continue to support them,

listen to them, and be kind to them, but you need to insist that
they see a professional.
If they refuse, start to include other people- talk to

their parents, schools counselors, church leaders, let their
therapist know about their behaviors, try to get as many people
involved as necessary.
#2. If there is an imminent risk -they have a plan, they

have means, you have a sense that something is deeply wrong, or
other warning signs- then you need to make sure they get help.
This is the time to break their trust if they asked you not to
tell anyone. You could tell them "I care enough about you that I
have to do something. Either you tell someone and take care of
this or I will call someone to help you" If they're under 30

call their parents, if you are their parents and don't know what
to do or if their parents aren't responsive, call 911 if you
have to. Stay with them until they have gotten the help they
need.
One of my close family member's life was saved because a
friend broke her confidence and told her parents. And we are all
so grateful.
In this situation, your actions could be the difference

between life and death. Err on the side of caution, ask them
about suicidal thoughts, be a good listener and friend,
encourage or force them to get help, delay them, impede them,

take away their means (their keys, guns, painkillers,
medications, etc), reach out to resources, or do anything you
can to help them, even if it makes them mad, makes things worse
in the short term, or even costs you their friendship. Saving

their life is more important. While we as helpers can't stop
every suicide, we can have an impact and prevent many of them.
I'm attaching links to a couple of resources, feel free to
check them out if you want to know more.

https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-help-a-friend-with-
depression
https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92319
314
#
Chapter Thirty-One
35 Medication
When it comes to medication, you've got two extremes- those
who think that medication is the only option for treating mental
illness, and the only way to get better. The other camp would
never take a medication, they would do anything to avoid taking
medication, they won't even consider the options.
To put it simply, both these groups don't know what they're

talking about. They are uneducated about what the science says
about medications.
I'm not saying that you have to take meds, I'm saying that
if you're unwilling to consider medications, or you'll only do

meds but not counseling, then you're shutting a door before you
know what's behind it. You should educate yourself about the
pros, cons, and risks of medication. Look into the benefits and
the side effects, then make your decision based on your values.
If you're ruling something out before you know anything about
it, or if you're trusting in medication to solve all your
problems, then a little education can go a long way. Work with a
medical profession or do some research from reputable websites

to learn more about your options. As a therapist I know general
information about meds, but you'll need to be in touch with
someone with a medical license to find answers specific to your

case.
Medication can be incredibly helpful for some people who
are experiencing a mental illness, it can treat or help treat

most disorders-from depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder
and addictions. For many people it is the first thing they are
willing to try, and for others it's the last thing they'll be
willing to do.
Medication paired with therapy is generally considered the

treatment with the best chance of success- around 85% of people
see improvements (in general). Medication and therapy complement
each other, how we think affects brain chemistry and brain
chemistry affects how we think.

Medication can help dig us out of the cycles that lead to
depression or anxiety, and therapy can teach us new ways to
think and act that keep us out of that hole in the future.
Unfortunately, the decision to take medication does not
mean that if you pop a pill you're going to magically feel
better. The process of finding the right medication can be long
and difficult. Many medications take around 3-4 weeks to start

to have an impact, then if they aren't helping, the doctor may
up the dose for a while or try a few combinations over weeks or
months. If in the end that specific medication isn't found to be

helpful, they often have to wean the person off the medication
over the course of weeks or months, and then try another. There
are many different classes and types of medication for different
disorders, and finding the right medication may feel like a shot
in the dark, but a process that may take years to find the right
one.
Who can prescribe meds: Most doctors can and will prescribe
psychotropic medication, however Psychiatrists specialize in
medications for mental health. Psychiatrists tend to be harder
medications for mental health. Psychiatrists
<$surname> tend toTO
/ HOW beHELP
harder
/ 171
to get in to see, are costly, and also frequently have tight

schedules. I know many people who have enjoyed working with a
Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner-They also specialize in psych med

management, and they often have a bit more time to listen to
your requests and needs.
The benefits of medication:

Medication can help jump start the change process by
restoring depleted chemicals in the brain.
Medication is an intervention that does not require a lot

of work/motivation-something that can be helpful if one is
experiencing depression or anxiety
Medication prescribed by a doctor is rigorously tested by
the FDA and has been found to be generally safe and beneficial-
though each individual responds differently to each medication.
Taking medication can help the brain begin to lay down new
neural pathways, the roads that our thoughts move along. This
means that taking meds during a period of counseling or change
can help create long-lasting improvements in the brain that last
even after we stop taking a medication.
Medication doesn't have to be permanent.
Common side effects:
On the other hand, people worry about medications because

many of them do have side-effects, though usually the side-
many of them do have side-effects, <$surname>
though usually the
/ HOW TO side-
HELP / 172
effects are less disabling than the symptoms of depression or
other mental illness. Common concerns include:
● Side effects-including weight gain, sexual problems,
increased suicidality, etc

● Fears of becoming dependent
● They might not want to wonder "what is me, and what is the
med?"
● And the uncertainty of not knowing how it is going to affect

them
● Plus the time and expense it takes to find the right
medication can be a roller coaster that takes months or years

● they may worry that they'll feel numb or not like themselves.
● They may feel like taking a med is a sign of weakness.
In the long run, the decision to take medication is a

deeply personal one-though that decision may affect you or
others-the responsibility for that decision is your person's.
Medication can be a very helpful option when it comes to

treating mental illness, but it isn't the only option. So don't
despair, either way. If you'd like to learn 10 alternatives to
medication for changing brain chemistry-then check out my other
course, And, as always, keep working on your skills in this

course to be a source of support and growth for the person you
care about.
#
Chapter Thirty-Two
36 Switch Addictions
When we try to change a behavior that we don't like- if all

we do is try to suppress that behavior, the most common outcome
is that we fail
When I worked in residential treatment I worked with a 17

year old girl who I'll call Ashley, who had been using drugs.
When she came to our program, and no longer had access to drugs
she developed an eating disorder-severely restricting food and

obsessing over weight, size, calories. When we prevented some of
those behaviors, she started self-harming, cutting her arms and
legs. When we prevented that behavior she started trying to have

sex with her roommate and engaging in other inappropriate
behaviors. And it went on like that for months. Each time we
addressed one behavior, another one would pop up. And she
wasn't unique. Many of the kids in Residential Treatment - when

we took away their "drug of choice" (that could be an eating
disorder, drugs, sex, video games, whatever) a new behavior
would pop up. This is called a Switch addiction.
Switch addictions are when we try to suppress or stop a

certain behavior, and another one pops ups. So people who are
trying to quit biting their nails start picking at their

trying to quit biting their nails start picking
<$surname> at their
/ HOW TO HELP / 174
cuticles, people who try to quit smoking start over-eating. At
some point you just feel like you're playing Whack-A-Mole with
different symptoms.
This is a pretty common outcome of trying to create change

on a surface level. When we just try to change our behaviors or
try to "not feel bad", then we get sucked into a whirlpool of
different avoidance attempts. The reason this happens is
because the problem is much deeper than the behavior on the

surface, the behaviors are a function of the emotions beneath
the surface. So in Ashley's case, she was actually be struggling
with deep feelings of self-hatred, we could make her eat, but we
couldn't make her love herself. Her self- hatred kept popping
up, begging to be addressed. When it comes to problems like
these, we can either stuff it or we can face it and fix it.
Unfortunately-too often our response is to suppress

behavior as our only tool for change. In addiction circles this
is called "Whiteknuckling". It's like we're hanging on a
trapeeze bar over a cliff, and we're just holding onto that bar
for dear life. Our only advice is to just "try harder". You can
imagine those knuckles going white with the effort. You can also
imagine the futility of this exercise, because no matter how

strong you are, at some point your muscles will get exhausted,
you'll weaken, and you'll fall.
When our only attempts to change ourselves or others is to

"just try harder" we are just setting ourselves up for failure.
We need to do two things:
1. Look deeper than behavior and emotions for a real source

of change
2. Find sustainable, lasting ways to resolve the underlying
issue-this may mean changing our beliefs or our habitual

responses to emotion.
When we do this, we get off of that trapeeze bar and step
onto solid ground. We create a life that has meaning, purpose,

joy and love. We develop sustainable approaches to managing
emotions-instead of quick fixes to making them go away. We work
through problems, facing them carefully and directly-asking for

help and reaching out for resources. We learn get new tools to
resolve difficulties so that we don't have to use a hammer for
every problem.
When I was treating Ashley, we carefully, gently, lovingly

trying to help Ashle face her pain, and work through her
emotions. It just took time. We worked through some underlying

emotions. It just took time. We worked through some underlying
trauma, which she blamed herself for. We increased awareness and

acceptance of a depressive disorder. We improved family
relationships and parental interactions that had been
contributing to shame, now her parents were more empathetic and

supportive. We helper her develop new ways to resolve her
anxiety and helped her identify her values, the kind of life
when wanted to live and the kind of person she wanted to be.
Today, Ashley still struggles with her emotions sometimes, but

her lows are safer-she reaches out for help and rides them out,
and her highs are much higher. Her life has meaning, she's
attending college, volunteering at an animal shelter, and she

has a good relationship with her parents.
In the next segment we are going to talk about looking
beneath behaviors to try to create a deeper more sustainable

change.
#
Chapter Thirty-Three
37 Looking Beneath Behaviors
Looking deeper, finding deeper solutions
For every complicated problem, there is a simple solution-

and it's wrong
One of the crazy things about trying to help someone is

One of the crazy things about <$surname>
trying to help someone
/ HOW is/ 178
TO HELP
that often our first impulse is often wrong. We may see a

behavior that we don't like and our attempts to change that
behavior through criticism, pleading, or punishment often

escalate the cycle. The harder we try the worse the problem
becomes, and we end up feeling confused, hurt and discouraged.
An impulsive or reactive approach to solving problems tends to

backfire.
You are taking this course because your first attempts to
help haven't worked. If those simple solutions had worked, your
person wouldn't need help or therapy or medication. The reality

is that people experiencing mental illness often need a deeper
approach to help them change.
If we truly want to resolve our own problems, improve our

relationships, and be helpful to others we need to be more
intentional in our approach. If our initial attempts to fix a
problem fail, then we need to look deeper than the surface,

deeper than what is being said or how someone is acting. When we
can understand underlying emotions, and the core issues that
fuel them, then we can help actually resolve the deeper

problems, and surface issues will disappear.
I know this sounds complex, so let's start with a simple
example:
When we came home from the hospital with our second child,
our angelic two-year old Aliya started acting out. The first few
our angelic two-year old Aliya started acting /
<$surname> out.
HOW The first/ few
TO HELP 179
days she was hyper, running all over the place and banging into
things and asking for attention and it was very overwhelming. I
was exhausted from labor and delivery and being up all night
feeding the baby, and Ryan was also feeling overwhelmed. After
the first two days, Aliya settled down quite a bit. She loved
her baby sister, and she could be really sweet with her, she
loved touching her soft warm head. But she started having some
behavior problems. She would try to hit her sister when I was
feeding her, or she would yell or make lots of noise when I was
trying to get River to sleep.
Our instinctual reaction was to try to shut down that
behavior-I mean we were actually worried about her hurting

River, and it was very frustrating when she would wake her up
after we spent a lot of time trying to get her to sleep. So it
would have been easy to punish Aliya, send her to her room, put
her in time out, or isolate myself and River away from Aliya. On
the one hand we needed Aliya to learn that her behaviors were
not OK, but on the other hand I knew that we needed to be
careful and intentional as we sought a solution. Another quick

fix would have been to put on the TV every time I was nursing
River, just distract Aliya while I was taking care of her
sister. But deep down, I knew that distraction would not resolve
the deeper problem, it would just avoid it.
So we looked deeper, what kinds of emotions was she
feeling? Perhaps Uncertainty (her entire world had changed, she
feeling? Perhaps Uncertainty (her entire world/ had
<$surname> HOW changed, she
TO HELP / 180
didn't know what to expect any more) Jealousy (her attention

seeking behaviors probably stemmed from fears that mom loved the
baby more than her, mom was now cuddling and feeding someone
other than Aliya.) So deep down Aliya probably feared that she
wasn't important, noticed or loved. Now of course she-like many
adults and all 2 year olds-wasn't able to articulate those

fears, she just started acting out with some dangerous
behaviors.
If we had started consistently using time-out, distraction
or isolation as a response to her fears-would that have made

those underlying emotions better or worse? Punishment would have
definitely exacerbated those fears. If we wanted to create a
lasting solution, we needed to look beneath those behaviors and
emotions to the deep fears that she has. "Does mama still love
me?" "Am I important?" "With all these changes, what can I trust
to be steady?"
And as Parents we needed to intentionally act in a way to

resolve those deep concerns rather than exacerbate them. So
instead of punishment, we set up a plan to give Aliya more
attention throughout the day. I made sure to spend special time

with her when the baby was sleeping, and to show her that she
was important and mattered to me. I made sure to cuddle her and
praise her whenever I could.
And then we worked to set up a predictable routine when it

was time to feed the baby, I would tell her it was almost
was time to feed the baby, I would <$surname>
tell her it/ was
HOW almost
TO HELP / 181
feeding time, then spend some time reading a book with Aliya,
then she would choose an activity to do while I nursed the baby.
By helping her know what to expect and what I expected of her
(don't hurt the baby, don't wake up the baby). We were able to
work through those behaviors and they disappeared in a matter of

months. ("This is not a quick fix, this is a lasting fix
approach")
In this case we had to look deeper than the behavior, look

at emotions, and the core issue that fed those emotions and
behaviors
Level Definition Examples How I can

intervene:
Content What we see Aliya Praise her

(Words and or hear on the hitting her for positive
Behaviors) surface. It's sister, waking behaviors,
often irrational up her sister, create positive

and attention interactions,
dysfunctional. seeking behavior give her
This is where attention during
all conflicts positive times,

occur. Character and respond
attacks and calmly to keep
"squirrels" the baby safe

(going in when Aliya tries
(going in whenTOAliya
<$surname> / HOW HELP tries
/ 182
circles or to hit (put my
getting hand out, remind

tangential) her to be soft,
disrupt the remind her of
ability to solve her "job')
a problem.
Emotions What is the Uncertainty Uncertainty
emotion of the , Jealousy, - help her know

feeling? What is fear, sadness, what to expect,
really being anger schedules,
said? When we consistency,
acknowledge the routine

emotion and Jealousy-
empathize, we Try to include
can de-escalate her in the

a situation and feeding routine
create Help her
closeness, find words for
connection and a her emotions and

shared goal-even talk about
if we don't solutions
agree with them. together.
Core Issue Belief "Does mama Show her

about Self love the baby that she is
(hidden and more than me? Am important,

(hidden and more than me? /AmHOW
<$surname> important,
TO HELP / 183
protected). I lovable? loved, that she

These core Important?" matters to me.
beliefs about
self drive most

of our actions.
Problems are
usually rooted
in believing
that we are
worthless,
unloveable, or
powerless.
Instinct will often get us stuck on Content Level
Communication- giving advice, lecturing, punishment, and the

attempt to use logic and reason to "fix" the problem. Instead we
need to be intentional and respond to the deeper meaning beneath
the beharior.
So Let's use another example from a teenager:

They say (Content) "You are nazis! You never trust me!
You're ruining my life
The emotions: Unworthy, incapable, angry, hurt, scared,

frantic, hopeless
Core Issue: "I'm afraid I'm a screw-up, unworthy,

unloveable"
Anger is often a secondary emotion- that means that it

often covers up deeper, more sensitive emotions. If the only
emotion that you can identify is anger, try to look deeper to
see the hurt, fear or other emotions beneath it.
Parent example:
They say"You will obey me and be home on time! I am sick of
you ruining this family!"

Emotion: Frustrated, angry, hurt, scared frantic.
Core Issue: "I am a failure- I am a bad parent- I am
powerless"
So What do we do with this information?

In a simple level, just taking a careful look at the
behaviors, slowing yourself down, and looking for deeper

emotions or meanings can help you find better solutions. That's
why good listening skills are so foundational to creating
change.
When possible, a more complex but powerful way to help
someone is to use these three levels to communicate with your
person. That means that you're acknowledging what they say,
empathizing with what they feel, and trying to understand what

empathizing with what they feel, and trying to/ understand
<$surname> what
HOW TO HELP / 185
is their deepest fear, then working backwards-you try to build
up their worth and self-efficacy, work through emotions, and

you'll see the results in better behavior.
To do this we have to believe in others and our own Core
Meaning- that means one's worth, purpose, and ability to have

power to act.
So with that teenager, if the parent were to look
underneath the defiant and angry behaviors, they could see that
deep down the teen is afraid they are "bad", and wants to prove
that they are good. They want to be trustworthy, self-reliant,
independent, reliable. Those are all goals that the parent can
get behind. Unfortunately, the way the teenager is "asking" to

be seen as good, is by arguing about curfew, if we act
reactively we are just going to go in circles about curfew times
and reasons why they can't stay out late (which sounds like we
don't trust them) This will just exacerbate the problem.
Instead, a parent who looks at the teen, understands their
desire to be good, to be seen as good, and to become trustworthy
will take a deep breath, slow down, and choose a goal they can
both work towards. The parent could then say something like "I
want to trust you, let's set up a plan where you know what is
expected of you to earn trust." When you consistently follow

curfew, I will know that I can count on you to be in safe
places." So let's work up to you being able to go to that
places." So let's work up to you being able to/ go
<$surname> toTO
HOW that
HELP / 186
concert. Let's make a plan together."

This is obviously a high level skill, it takes empathy,
understanding, self-control, a sense of calm, insight into
yourself and others, and a good relationship. But when you are
able to combine all those skills, you'll see real solutions for
difficult problems, and your relationship will get stronger and
stronger.
Let me give a couple more examples.
If your child is engaging in self-harm, they're cutting
themselves, and your immediate reaction is to get upset, tell
them why cutting is bad, and attempt to take away all the sharp
objects- Then the most likely result is that your child will
keep self-harming, but work harder to hid it from you. That's
because the self-harm was stemming from overwhelming feelings of

sadness, anxiety or self-loathing. The core issue is a belief
that they are bad, deserving of punishment, or helpless to solve
their problems. Explaining to them why that behavior is stupid
will only feed the underlying drive to cut, those feelings of

worthlessness. Instead, when you acknowledge their feelings-
"you must feel so overwhelmed, if cutting seems like the only
option" what's going on for you?" is a good first start. If they
feel powerless, find ways to help them find their power- do they
feel like their voice can be heard? Do you listen and validate
them? Do they have experiences like sports, outdoor adventures
or other activities that help them feel confident? Strong? Work

or other activities that help them <$surname>
feel confident?
/ HOW Strong?
TO HELP Work
/ 187
with a therapist to find ways to resolve emotions and develop
short term coping skills. Instead of shutting down what seems

like attention seeking behavior-ask yourself and them why they
feel so lonely. Model an example of good emotional and
relational health. Provide a safe place for them where they can
work through their emotions when they talk with you about them.
Don't encourage their feelings of powerlessness by trying to
solve all their problems for them, that sends the message that
they are incapable. Instead show them that you trust them to
find solutions and that you'll support them in the process.
Looking beneath content (behavior or words) is an essential
skill for solving problems, but it's one that is often

overlooked. For example, when people try to lose weight, they
often focus on just changing what they eat. Which should work in
theory, but in practice it rarely does (over 95% of diets fail,

with most people gaining back more weight afterwards). If we
want to create a sustainable apraoch to health we have to look
underneath the eating behaviors to the emotions that drive
overeating-stress, anxiety, being tired, needing quick fixes-and

the underlying beliefs that contribute to those emotions-for
example-feeling like you're never good enough, always needing to
do more (leading to being stressed out, leading to stress
eating, etc. ). Most people with depression have already tried

just pushing through it. Most people with Anxiety have already
just pushing through it. Most people with Anxiety
<$surname> have
/ HOW already
TO HELP / 188
tried "calming down". Most people in relationships know that

they should be kind and considerate.
The difficulty with change is not knowing what we "should

do differently" the problem is that it just usually doesn't work
to just force that change on the surface. If it did, we
wouldn't be here. With ourselves and others, we have to go in
the back door, take a slightly less direct route to change.

Think backwards a little. When we really want to help you have
to look beneath the surface, understand deeper functions and
needs of their emotions and then carefully and intentionally

plan how you can support the resolution of those needs.
I'm including a chart you can use to practice exploring the
three levels of communication. It can be helpful if you catch

yourself arguing with your person or if you're feeling stuck.
What I've taught in this segment is a higher level skill
that requires a ton of work and insight, and while you can learn
to use it on your own, working with a family therapist could
help make this process so much clearer- So I really recommend
working on these skills as a supplement to therapy.
#
Chapter Thirty-Four
38 Reflective Listening
Reflective listening is an even more difficult skill than

Reflective listening is an even more difficult
<$surname> skill
/ HOW TO than
HELP / 189
empathic listening, and even more powerful, but the ability to

use it depends on your ability to lay a foundation of a good
relationship, and to show them you understand-through empathic

listening.
Once you've practiced those, then you can work on Listening
2.0
Reflective listening is the ability to bounce back at them

what they are saying.
This is a skill that doesn't come naturally to us, when

involved in a conversation we tend to talk about ourselves, give
advice, try to make them feel better, agree or disagree, or tell

stories. In order to be a good reflective listener we need to
set aside our own wants briefly and work to make sure that your
person gets your attention, your empathy, and that you show them
what you understand they're saying.
Reflective Listening helps people know if you're
understanding them, and at it's best can help them clarify their
thinking, understand what's underneath those thoughts and
emotions and help them find solutions on their own. So it's
basically a magical magical thing. I spent a year learning this
skill in grad school and I've spent the next 7 years reminding
myself to use it-it is my most powerful therapeutic tool, but
myself to use it-it is my most powerful therapeutic
<$surname> tool,
/ HOW TO but
HELP / 190
it's so simple that most people can learn the basics and begin
to practice it on their own.
The simplest level is to simply show them that you

understand them by summarizing what they say and asking them if
you got it right. (when done without a relationship and empathy
this can sound really patronizing and condescending). You're
taking what they said and putting it inot your own words with a
question mark at the end:
"Hearing it back can be a good part of the healing process
for some people.
●
● You can also use this if you're unsure exactly what they
mean. "Let me see if I'm getting this straight: you're
angry with your sister because she borrowed your astronomy

books without asking?"
Amelia: I'm pretty sure Marco loves me, but he doesn't put
effort into big celebrations like my birthday or our
anniversary.
Gwen: So you're feeling unappreciated and you wish for

Marco to be more thoughtful and chivalrous.
Amelia: Exactly! For example, for my birthday last month...

(Amelia continues venting and expressing herself)
This is basically staying on the content level, "You want
<$surname>
This is basically staying on the content / HOW TO
level, HELP
"You / 191
want
to go to that concert tonight"
The next level is to to use reflecting to help them clarify

their thoughts and make them more concrete- when people
understand why they're feeling or thinking that way then there's
greater potential to find solutions or acceptance. (When done

from a "I-will-fix-you" attitude this will feel like judgment,
don't try to diagnose them or be their therapist. Be sincere,
be humble, be curious, ask questions to clarify-but not to guide
the conversation.
This is the emotion level, helping them identify emotions,
(You're upset that I don't trust you?)
• If your friend is going through a break-up and talking

about everything the ex did wrong, say, "Sounds like your
ex wasn't really committed in the first place." Fill in the
blanks for them to help the grieving process move forward.
At it's very best reflective listening helps the speaker

express, and understand concepts that are at the leading edge of
their comprehension- meaning that they don't really understand
them yet, but by talking about them and expressing them they
will learn things about themself and their emotions that they
didn't know before the conversation.
This is the meaning level- helping them express what all

this means to them
"You're afraid that I'm saying that you're a bad person or

not good enough to go to that concert. You really want to be
trustworthy, but it hurts to think that I don't believe in your
abilities?"
We don't need to go to the deepest level every time.
When we use reflective listening we can address content,

feeling, meanings and sum things up.
Examples of reflective listening
Here's some examples of how that would sound:

• "So from your point of view it's...
• "It sounds like you're feeling...
• "You believe...
• "It seems like...
• "What I guess you're feeling is...
• "It might be that you...
Some measure of guessing-tentative statements can be

helpful. You're not trying to be a therapist but rather to help
yourself and them better understand
Don't Diagnose, solve, judge, argue: Don't try to tell the

other person their motives or analyze them. Your goal is not to
"Figure out" the other person, but to get on the same page with
"Figure out" the other person, but <$surname>
to get on the same
/ HOW TO page
HELP with
/ 193
them. Show them that you understand by summarizing, asking to

clarify, and looking for deeper meaning.
Here's some examples: need another good one...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VOubVB4CTU
https://youtu.be/-U4cOSPfCOE
#
Chapter Thirty-Five
39 Your Role as a Parent
Your Role
Your role as a parent (of a minor) is a little different
than a role as a friend or spouse. As a parent you're

responsible to help your child to learn and grow and develop
discipline. That means that you need to worry a little bit less
about being liked, but that doesn't mean you need to worry less
about empathy and showing that you care. You'll need to take a
more assertive role when it comes to boundaries and expectations
for them and it is your job when necessary to force them into
treatment. So this may look like requiring them to go to therapy

or making sure they take their medications
Getting them to therapy
Some ways that you can help them go to therapy is by

helping them feel him engaged in the process and have a say in
helping them feel him engaged in the process and
<$surname> have
/ HOW TO aHELP
say /
in194
who they see as a therapist. Help them look through some of the
listings and choose who they go to. Also set an example by

going to therapy yourself- work with your therapist to decide
appropriate boundaries for yourself and ask their therapist for
advice. Work closely with their doctor, let him know their
symptoms and discuss medication options carefully.
Interacting with your child's therapist:
Work with their therapist to define how you can best help
the situation. The therapist should be keeping what your child

talks about in the session confidential, but you do have a right
to see all your child's record in the therapist file. Usually
the best approach is to work with the therapist to ensure that

your child has a safe and confidential place to talk about their
issues, but let the therapist know that you are willing to
change and are open hearing to any requests the child would like
to make. Ask them how and when you can be involved in sessions.
By being humble and willingness to change, - you could
potentially find out new ways to help your child and set an
example of being open to growth.

Third party helper
When I was a teenager, I had this art teacher named Zan who
was very influential. I could tell she cared, she was genuine
and dedicated to her students. Because of the respect I had for

her, I listened to her when she encouraged me to be respectful
to my parents. I was more open to what she had to say-
to my parents. I was more open to what she had/ to
<$surname> say-
HOW TO HELP / 195
specifically because she wasn't my parent.

I
A third-party helper-someone who's not in the family can be

really beneficial because teenagers are naturally inclined to
distance themselves from their parents. This is a healthy normal
developmental process that creates an opportunity for kids to
develop their own lives and discover their own strength and
their own identity. So they're going to naturally want to
distance themselves from the parent but there still going to
need mature sources of advice. Do what you can to find another
adult who can connect to your child who is healthy and mature
and a positive influence. Research shows that teenagers idolize
people in their 20's, so perhaps find a college studnt to be
their mentor. Give them opportunities to work with coaches,

teachers, and other mentors where they can find someone who they
admire and respect. This person could be the key to lasting
recovery.
They will need help to express themselves.

Even adults are often pretty terrible and understanding and
expressing what's going on for them, children have a limited

vocabulary and emotional intelligence. There going to need help
from you to understand and express what they're experiencing.
Here's another place where listening and reflecting skills are
invaluable.
Another thing about children is that they aren't going to
have the words to express what's going on for them or they may
feel trapped by certain family situations that they aren't able
to explain. Perhaps they don't want to see their parents get sad
or upset, or they worry about making a sibling angry so in that

way getting third-party helper like a therapist could make a
difference by helping them be open and able to express what's
going on for them.
As always-Check your way of being:

Are you feeling irritated, resentful, judgmental or
resigned? Do you blame them for their problems? Do you have a
good relationship? Are the boundaries healthy? The stronger your

relationship-the deeper your emotional bank account, which means
the more influence you will have over their life. You will be
able to make better requests, they will open up with you about
their struggles, and they will listen more to what you have to
say.
I really love the work of the Arbinger Institute when it
comes to understanding your way of being and role as a parent.

They have made the Arbinger parenting pyramid, which explains
where you should be putting your efforts.
At the base of the pyramid is your way of being, on it

rests your relationships with your spouse and your children, and
your abilities to teach, correct or discipline your child. If
your abilities to teach, correct or<$surname>
discipline/ your child.
HOW TO HELP If
/ 197
you're ever having a problem at one level, the solution usually

lies on the level beneath it.
For more information read: LSD and AoP
Most parents provide their children uncond love. But not
upr. That's because they often don't accept their child's

actions or they feel frustrated at their child's motives. When
working through difficult situations with your child, try to
position yourself on their team, working with them towards a
common goal. Remember their inherent goodness, start with where

they are instead of where you wish they were on their journey.
Your role is the single most influential factor in their life,
for the rest of their life. You can do so much good for them,
even by just loving and accepting them. And listening to them.
You don't have to be perfect, just keep trying. You're bound to
do some good.
#
Chapter Thirty-Six
40 Yout Role as a spouse
Your role as a spouse of someone with mental illness is
quite different that the role of a friend or a parent. You are

an equal, a partner, with a mutual commitment to love and
cherish each other-through sickness and health. But that
commitment can become seriously challenged by mental illness.

commitment can become seriously challenged by /
<$surname> mental illness.
HOW TO HELP / 198
The symptoms of mental illness can affect relationships in so
many ways, but a mental illness doesn't have to drive you apart.
Working together to face your challenges can strengthen that
bond and produce a happy, loving relationship.
As a spouse, your relationship is one of enormous
influence. As equals, who love each other deeply, you have the
ability to invite, to pull them with your compassion. But trying
to change them, or loving them on the condition that they "stop
it" whatever "it" is, can create tension, frustration, fear, and
separation. As a spouse trying to help the one you love, you
walk a fine line of being supportive and also trying to help
them get healthy.
Obviously I can't cover marriage therapy and relationships

in a short segment in a short course, but I can go over a few
tips that may be helpful.
#1. Do not make your love conditional upon them changing.

Saying "I can only love you if....(you lose weight, you're more
positive, you stop being anxious,etc... )" Will create fear for
them and frustration for you. Have charity, compassion,
understanding for them regardless of their symptoms, actions, or

choices. This will free them up to change for the right reasons
and free you from resentment and anger. This doesn't mean that
you can't set boundaries. You may even need to divorce them, but
if you do, you wouldn't want to carry that anger and resentment
afterwords. So, don't create a forceful and fear based
afterwords. So, don't create a forceful and fear
<$surname> based
/ HOW TO HELP / 199
environment by making your love for them conditional on their

change.
#2. Do everything you can to be healthy on your half of the
equation. Focus on improving yourself. Be kind. Think of their

needs before your own. Work hard to learn what you can do to
help them (you're already doing that by taking this course).
Remember to "Accept the people you can't change and have the
courage to change the one you can) Go to a therapist, a pastor,

and ask them for advice on what you can change.
#3- Get help early. The average couple waits through 5
years of marital distress before seeking marriage therapy, that

means that by the time they arrive in therapy they are usually
on the verge of divorce. Don't avoid getting help, don't delay
it or put it off. Reach out to resources early, asking for help
is a sign of strength, now weakness.

#4 You may have to set boundaries and at times there's even
a boundary of divorce or separation
But conversations before that becomes necessary are really

crucial. Let them know how important they are to you letting
them know that you believe in them and their ability to change,
make sure they know that you love them and care about them
regardless of any change.

Boundaries around safety for them and the family are really
important so you can say things like "You might be feeling
really upset repressed but it's not OK to yell at the children".

really upset repressed but it's not<$surname>
OK to yell/ at the
HOW TO children".
HELP / 200
"If you're feeling like you're going to hurt someone then you
need to leave for a little while". "You need to go to therapy or
I will leave" are all examples of boundaries that may be

necessary.
#5- be on their team. We can work on this together. We can
go to counseling together. Remember that in the big picture,

these difficulties may be bumps in the road, the the journey
together of growth and learning is more important.
#6- set apart time to counsel together, talk about what's
going well in addition to the difficulties. Discuss what is

working, and share gratitude and praise. Set goals together and
make sure to communicate well in order to be on the same page.
Your therapist may even have some homework or assignments that

you can do together as part of their treatment.
When your spouse is experiencing a mental illness, you may
feel discouraged, frightened, frustrated or overwhelmed. Make

sure to reach out for support and resources. The process can be
quite difficult, but it can also be an experience that draws you
closer together, strengthens your bond and helps you learn and
grow individually and as a couple.
#
Chapter Thirty-Seven
41 The Comfort/Growth/Panic Zones
"One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward

"One can choose to go back toward safety /orHOW
<$surname> forward toward
TO HELP / 201
growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be

overcome again and again." Abraham Maslow
When working to help someone grow, it's important to be
mindful of their growth zone.

Insert graph here
When someone is in their comfort zone That means that they
have retreated to a place where their skills are greater then
their challenges. They feel competent, safe, and comfortable.

For people who are highly sensitive to emotions or
stimulation or relationships this might mean that their comfort
zone is very small. Being in the comfort zone isn't a bad thing,
it's important to take time to renew ourselves and rejuvenate

and get ready for the next big challenge. Unfortunately for many
people the comfort zone simply means avoiding almost everything
– people, experiences, emotions that feel uncomfortable.

Growth does not happen in the comfort zone. And comfort
does not happen in the growth zone.
The growth zone is where we are pushing ourselves into the
new experiences that are perhaps just beyond our skills or

comfort level. We are being stretched and taking some risks, we
are unsure of our abilities and this is going to be a little
anxiety-provoking, however just because it's uncomfortable at

times, doesn't mean that it's a bad place to be. With practice
we can increase our capacity to accept risk and discomfort,
converting that stress into excitement and openness.
Beyond the growth zone is the panic zone. When we are so

overwhelmed by our emotions or our experiences than growth and
comfort aren't possible. When in the panic zone, situations are

so overwhelming that parts of your brain shuts down and reverts
back to more primitive thinking, emphasizing just survival. So
fight flight freeze response takes over, and higher processes

like the ability to plan ahead or think things through clearly
get turned off. Things happen so quickly that we are unable to
process what's happening to us. Creativity is stunted emotions

run high, stress hormones rampage through the body, and we often
lash out in anger or we shut down or we retreat back into
ourselves.
When we are seeking to help our person we want to try to
gently nudge them into the Growth zone.
Here's an example. I once worked with a mother who had a

young boy with a lot of social anxiety. She was very worried
that he was going to miss out on a lot of experiences and she
was sometimes embarrassed by his over reactions to things like

being left with the babysitter or being around large family
groups. The mother worried that he wasn't going to develop the
necessary life skills, and tried to find ways to help him get
more social interactions in a positive way so she signed him up
for a tumbling class.

The first day of class she took him to the new gym, the boy
seemed nervous and the mother said "it's OK, you're fine" and
gently pushed him towards the group of kids who were talking
with each other and warming up. Everything about the situation
was new for him, he didn't know any of the people, he'd never
seen tumbling before and he had never been to that tumbling gym
before. He seemed more nervous and started to retreat to his

mother. She again pushed him towards the class she said "you're
fine just put yourself out there". The boy's lips started
quivering and he started to cry, he buried his face into his mom
who kept trying to get him to go out there. The more she tried
more upset he became. Eventually they left and the next time she
brought him to the tumbling class he refused to get out of the
car. He swore that he would never do tumbling again. Instead of
making progress with his anxiety, he actually got worse.
The most common way we mess this up is by trying to help
others change too much too quickly, they get overwhelmed,

stressed out and then give up. The mother was just trying to
help, but it backfired because the mother either didn't realize
that the boy was so overwhelmed with the new experience that he
had gone into panic mode, or she didn't know what to do with his
massive levels of anxiety. Her anxiety and his anxiety spiraled
and they ended up taking a big step backwards as far as types of

activities that he would be willing to do.
Imagine if that scenario had gone differently:
The mother worked with a therapist and came to understand
when which interactions were helpful so that the boys could

expand his comfort zone. First she spoke with the boy, found out
what kind of activity he would like to do. He expressed interest
in a karate class. She thought that was a great idea. So she

picked a class and then they got on the website together. She
showed him pictures and they talked about what to expect. The
talked about difficulties that might come up- like what to do if
he felt overwhelmed. The developed a plan together where the boy
knew what to expect and the small steps they were going to take
together. She described to him how it was normal and natural to
experience some nervousness in new situations, and they agreed
upon small ways he would push himself and backup plans in case
he got overwhelmed- take a break and then come back to the
situation.
Then they went to the karate gym when it was open, but not
during his class. They met the instructor and watched some of
the other classes. For this boy- that was at the top edge of his
growth zone. Meeting a new instructor was a bit scary for him,
but as he stayed and watched a class he started to feel like he

knew what to expect, he began to feel less worried. After he had
knew what to expect, he began to feel less worried.
<$surname> After
/ HOW TO he/ had
HELP 205
time to calm down they went back home to rest.
When the day came for his class mother and son went to the
dojo and when they walked in the small boy saw the other kids
and began to shrink back. His mother gave him a big hug. Then
offered to sit with him and watch the class together. They sat
and watched and she felt her child slowly relax- pretty soon he
was watching carefully and following the instructions with his

eyes. By the end of the class he joined them hesitantly for a
few minutes as they stretched quietly. His instructor thanked
him for coming. The boy left with a smile. He felt a bit more
confident. It was hard but he had stretched himself. His mom
praised him for going even though it was hard.
The next time he came back he was a little more sure of
himself, he still felt nervous, but he started the class with

the rest of the boys, at one point he because a little
overwhelmed and ran over to his mother, she praised him for the
hard things he had already done and let him sit with her for a
few minutes, when she could tell that he had calmed down again,
she gently asked him if he'd like to stay with her or go back to
the class, he nodded and went back to practicing with the class.
After that he was able to participate in each Karate class by
himself without leaving, his confidence and skills grew and he
was able to gradually feel more comfortable in an environment

was able to gradually feel more comfortable in/ an
<$surname> environment
HOW TO HELP / 206
that previously felt scary or overwhelming. This experience
increased his self-efficacy-his belief in his ability to do hard
things, and the next time he faced a new or intimidating

situation, he was able to remember how he overcame that fear and
repeated that success.
In this situation the mother and the son teamed up to face
challenges in small doses together. They prepared as much as
possible, made plans for ways to take breaks but stick with the
plan. Through the mother's careful, sensitive, and empathic
stance-the son was able to face his fears and develop his
skills.
Sometimes people err on the opposite side of the spectrum,
instead of pushing too hard, they are too accommodating. It's

easy to imagine a mother who gets very anxious about her son's
social anxiety, and trying to protect him, decides to not leave
him with babysitters, avoids situations that make her son

uncomfortable, or tries to make him happy by letting him stay
home and avoid social situations. While this may feel like a
more gentle approach than the overly-forceful approach in the

very first example-in the long run, staying in the comfort zone
will be just as disabling to the son as forcing him to quickly
into experiences. By avoiding the discomforts of the growth

zone, the son's comfort zone will shrink and shrink, his skills
with people, his belief in his abilities, and his willingness to

with people, his belief in his abilities, and /
<$surname> his willingness
HOW to
TO HELP / 207
leave the house will diminish.
When helping people, it's important to understand their
comfort/growth/and Panic zones. What seems comfortable for you

may be overwhelming or anxiety provoking for them. Ask them
about their experience, listen carefully and try to understand
their perspective. They may not have words for what they are
going through. With love you may be able to help them take
steps into their growth zone.
If you have a strong relationship you could even ask them
directly about their comfort and growth zones, setting goals to

gradually do things that help them stretch and grow.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
42 Intimacy Issues
One unique aspect of mental illlness that doesn't get a lot
of attention is the impact of mental health on. Sexuality and

intimacy. Sexuality is an important manifestation/intersection
of identity, biology, relationships, connection and pleasure.
Depression affects sexuality by decreasing energy levels,

increasing feelings of self-loathing or contributing to bad body
image. Your person may feel unworthy of love or have a hard time
getting in the mood or having the energy to invest in a sexual
relationship. One of the symptoms of depression is "loss of

relationship. One of the symptoms of depression
<$surname> is "loss
/ HOW of / 208
TO HELP
interest in things that were once pleasurable, including sex"
On the other hand- some people use sexuality as a way to
avoid their feelings of inadequacy, stress or sadness. they may

use sex as a coping mechanism- this may lead to their partner
feeling objectified, pornography addiction or overuse, or risky
or promiscuous sexual behaviors. When some people feel bad about

themselves they seek validation through interactions with the
opposite sex that may go against their values or contribute to
feelings of worthlessness.
People with eating disorders may have body image disorders,
where they falsely see themselves as fat, ugly, or unattractive.

They may engage in severe food restriction that leads to
physical exhaustion or make sexual function difficult.
People with anxiety or ADHD may have a hard time minimizing

distractions in their mind. Anxious people may also endlessly
worry about performance or relationship issues, and that worry

may interfere with sexual functioning.
Survivors of sexual assault and trauma may experience
flashbacks, dissociation, heightened anxiety, disgust, or fear

around sexuality. they may have a hard time separating real life
interactions with their safe and loving spouse from vivid
memories of their assault. They may have perpetual feelings of

guilt, shame, sadness, grief, or feeling broken, unloveable or
guilt, shame, sadness, grief, or feeling broken,
<$surname> unloveable
/ HOW or209
TO HELP /
dirty.
People with BiPolar disorder often have a high sex drive,

impulsive sexual interactions or affairs during a manic phase,
and low mood or energy during a depressive phase. Leaving
partners with whiplash and feeling confused.
Each of these disorders can strain sexual relations in a
unique way. Understanding your loved one's disorder may help the
two of you come to a better understanding of how to work
together to resolve difficulties. Each of these issues can be
worked through with patience and the help of an experienced

professional.
Medications often have side effects that interfere with
sexual functioning, common medications like SSRI's (Prozac,
Zoloft, Celexa, etc) all have fairly common sexual side effects.
Another side effect of some psych meds also include weight gain
which may affect feelings of self-worth and attraction.
Encourage your person to speak with their doctor about

alternatives or dosing changes to mitigate sexual side effects.
Spouses and partners of people experiencing Mental Illness
may need to work hard to overcome the challenges that mental

illness brings to a sexual relationship. It will take patience,
compassion,understanding, moments of selflessness and hard work
to understand difficulties and find resources to address and

to understand difficulties and find<$surname>
resources /
toHOW
address and/ 210
TO HELP
resolve problems.
I do not specialize in sex therapy and even if I did, that
is not the focus of this course. Basic relationship skills are

essential and can help you work through road bumps and keep them
from becoming road blocks. Make sure you have congruence.
Openness. Good communication. That you're putting the

relationship first. Putting your spouses needs above your own.
All these skills can help turn challenges into something that
strengthens a relationship As you team up against the

difficulties instead of against each other you'll find greater
strength and fulfillment in the other areas of your partnership.

There are specialists out there who can help address
specific needs when it comes to this area. I do recommend seeing
a therapist specializing in marriage, sexuality, or

relationships to help provide specific treatments for sexual
difficulties.
In addition to that I can recommend a few books:
Discovering your Couple Sexual Style- by Barry McCarthy

And The Sex Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis.
And an activity: The senate focus: https://counselling-
matters.org.uk/sites/counselling-matters/files/SensateFocus.pdf
#
Chapter Thirty-Nine
43 Attention Seeking Behaviors
How to handle Attention seeking behavior: "Be ye therefore
wise as serpents and harmless as doves"
Client story- I once worked with a client in wilderness

therapy who I'll call Kelsie. Kesie would self-harm, she would
cut, scratch or bite at her arms and legs. But the interesting
thing about her is that she would always wait until someone was
watching before she would engage in self harm. The self-harm was
frightening, but it was also easy to get annoyed at her.
Inexperienced staff would waffle between trying to convince her

to stop and ignoring her while she hurt herself, both of which
led to escalating patterns of increasingly severe self-injury.
Most of us have had someone in our life who was attention-
seeking. It's easy to get frustrated and annoyed at that
behavior. It seems fake, it seems unfair to exaggerate one's

emotions or to try to manipulate other's emotions to get them to
give you attention or concern or to get out of something.
Our knee jerk reaction when someone does something
attention-seeking is to withhold attention. To ignore. Or to

shut them down, minimize their complaints, argue with them or
debate with them. To tell them it's not as bad as they're making
debate with them. To tell them it's<$surname>
not as bad/ as they're
HOW making
TO HELP / 212
it out to be or to stop making a big deal. This is our

reactive, impulsive and unhelpful response. It always makes
things worse, because avoiding someone is going to trigger that
need for attention and connection even more!

If we really want to help someone who is attention seeking,
we need to be wise, subtle, and loving. We have look beneath the
surface behaviors and try to meet the deeper needs. If someone

is being dramatic, overly emotional or attention seeking we have
two ways of seeing them: on the one hand-
1. Fake, obxonious, hurtful, bad.

And on the other:
2. Hurting, lonely, lost-they don't know how to solve their
problems or ask for help in a positive way, so they are seeking

connection in the only way they know how.
I actively choose to see people the second way. People are
genuinely good deep down. Perhaps they're doing things the wrong
way, but that's not because they're trying to, it's because they
don't know how, or what they've tried isn't working.
If we see this person as genuinely hurting, as seeking
connection, we bypass the obnoxious surface behaviors and look

for a way to address the deeper behaviors and emotions. This is
usually harder with the people closest to us.
Step 1: So if someone is engaging in attention-seeking

behaviors we need to be asking ourself questions like:
• What are the deeper emotional conflict going on?
• How can I meet that need without reinforcing the surface

behavior? (Notice how this response is actually looking for
a solution to the problem instead of just suppressing
behavior)
With Kelsie, she was feeling lonely, overwhelmed, anxious
to be away from her parents and he didn't have any positive way
to work through her emotions.
Step 2: Usually a good response looks like having a
minimal, barely more than neutral response to the attention
seeking behaviors in the moment. So you acknowledge, or gently

shut down the negative behaviors. "Kelsie- I can see that
you're hurting yourself, if you continue we'll need to sit next
to you and you'll have to wear gloves". The staff would sit
next to her without paying her much attention, if she engaged in
negative behaviors they would calmly and dispassionately keep
her safe until she got exhausted or bored of that behavior. Any
other approach would have fed the behavior-punishments would
have made her anxious, debating, convincing, or pleading would
have rewarded the negative behavior with intensity, restraining

her would have justified her feelings of lack of control. So the
immediate response to the negative behaviors was to calmly keep

her safe.
Step 3: Is going through the back door to resolve the
deeper needs of the emotions.

That means waiting until her behaviors are neutral or
positive and then going in the back door to pump this person
full of positive experiences. Give them positive attention
whenever possible. Have positive and real interactions with them
when they're not being dramatic. Ask clarifying questions. Spend

time with them. Create a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions.
With Kelsie that looked like waiting until she was calm and
safe, then asking her about her life, encouraging her to talk
about her emotions, teaching her how to cook meals over the
fire. It meant working hard to help her identify problems and
find positive ways to solve them. Within a couple of weeks, the

self-harm and attention seeking had completely died down, and
she had learned half a dozen new ways to reach out for help,
express emotions, and manage her anxiety.
Another example-this time in a family setting. If someone

is being extra mopey and clingy during a large family gathering,
give them just a little invite "Hey Barb, want to join us?" Or
go sit by them at lunch, you don't have to say much. then,

look for opportunities when they aren't being mopey to invite
them to do something fun, or sit down with them and ask them
about their life. try to model for them that you care, even
about their life. try to model for<$surname>
them that /
you care,
HOW even/ 215
TO HELP
when, especially when, they're not being needy. i know this can
be exhausting, and there are some exceptions to this, but as a
general rule, this is the best way to respond to attention

seeking behavior.
Your role does matter. Parents and spouses have much more
responsibility to do this right than coworkers or friends.
So, when facing attention seeking behavior-don't do a knee-
jerk reaction of avoidance or shutting them down, instead look

for ways to intentionally and pro-actively meet the deeper needs
by looking for ways to show them you care when they're not being
clingy.
#
Chapter Forty
44 Team up with them Against the Illness
Let's talk about a couple ways you can team up with your
person in the fight against mental illness:
People with depression or other mental illness often have a
hard time separating their identity from their experience. For

example I'm working with a client with OCD who has been having
graphic intrusive thoughts since 5th grade-but she didn't know
what they were, she just thought she was a bad person with a
dirty mind, it wasn't until 5 years later that she finally got
an accurate diagnosis. She said that when she started doing

an accurate diagnosis. She said that when she /
<$surname> started
HOW TO doing
HELP / 216
research on OCD-everything started to make sense, all the

symptoms she was having had a name-other people were
experiencing the same thing. She realized that while her
intrusive thoughts were real, and anxiety provoking, they

weren't "who" she was.
When she began saying things like "I'm having dark thoughts
pop into my head" instead of "I'm a dirty person" she began to

be able to resist those thoughts, and regain a sense of self-
worth. Those thoughts were not her fault, of course she was
responsible to figure out what she could do to make things

better, but it wasn't her fault that her brain wasn't able to
filter out thoughts like most people can.
Name it to Tame it:
You can help your person in the battle against mental

illness by helping them externalize their illness. That means
helping them identify and name their thoughts and symptoms as
coming from depression/anxiety/etc. And helping them separate

their sense of self from those symptoms. So externalize the
difficulty, give it a name.
So for example "I know right now, you feel worthless. But
that's your depression speaking. I know it feels true, but

that's not who you are."
With kids it's more helpful to say "You made a bad choice"
With kids it's more helpful to<$surname>
say "You made a TO
/ HOW badHELP
choice"
/ 217
instead of saying "You're being a bad boy". Again we identify
the behavior and separate that from their identity/worth.

Instead of saying "You're not thinking straight" say "That
sounds like your OCD-worries popping up again"
Even just giving them a name for their emotion- "Angry,

Sad, Jealous, betrayed, hopeless" can get them to the first step
of knowing what to do about it.
I've worked with many clients who've enjoyed giving their
disorder a name, some of them call it "My negative mind" or

"Bully Thoughts" or one woman with an Eating disorder who named
it "ED", she wrote a book titled "Life without ED". Now I want
to emphasize again, this isn't meant to excuse behavior or

create a state of resignation "I have depression, so I will
always be depressed". Instead it's meant to increase true
responsibility, when we separate ourselves from our emotions and

symptoms, we are the one having them instead of our emotions or
symptoms controlling us- we create freedom to make a change.
Mood disorders affect a person's attitude and beliefs. If
your person says something like "nothing good will ever happen
to me" or "No one really loves me" or "I've learned all the
secrets of the universe" it's probably that these thoughts are
symptoms of the illness. When you have a good relationship you

can point out to them "That sounds like your depression bossing
can point out to them "That sounds <$surname>
like your depression bossing
/ HOW TO HELP / 218
you around again" or 'I know that feels true, but it's not
reality." Therapy is an important part of the process of

challenging these beliefs.
Team up with them against the disorder:
Put yourself on their side in the fight against mental
illness. While many of their symptoms may drive you crazy, if

you're not careful, they'll feel like you're fighting against
them- and they'll naturally resist any of your efforts to change
them. Instead position yourself on their team, against the

disease.
So instead of saying "You're being so negative!" Say

"Sounds like you're really having a hard time with depression,
let's go for a little walk to clear your head"
Instead of saying "Why can't you just get out of bed?"
Instead try, "You seem to have trouble getting out of bed in the
mornings. What can I do to help you in this area?"
Your person may have lost perspective on how big a problem

this actually is. They will find it hard to hear that what is
insurmountable for them is actually not such a big deal. It is
unhelpful to say, "What's your problem? You're upset about

unhelpful to say, "What's your problem? You're/ upset
<$surname> about
HOW TO HELP / 219
nothing." Instead try "You seem to be finding this issue a big
deal at the moment. Can we solve it together? 5"
One man with depression said " When I was very sick, I
often thought my wife was trying to ruin my life. To counter
that kind of thinking she would sometimes say, "We are a team.
I'm on your side."
So-if you have a close relationship, work with your person

to externalize their symptoms, separate their thoughts and
feelings from their identity. And wake sure to position yourself

on their team against the illness, not against them.
Separate the behavior from the person

Separate the feeling from the person
Separate the thoughts from the person
Remember that deep down people want to be good, look for a
common, shared goal that you can both get behind. People who
feel like a failure and are upset about it, it's because they
want to be successful. People who feel like a ""terrible human
being" and feel bad about it, aren't terrible human beings
because they care, they worry about being good. Teenagers who
are oppositional, just want to feel a sense of identity or self-
determination And we want teenagers to have self-determination,

determination And we want teenagers<$surname>
to have self-determination,
/ HOW TO HELP / 220
we want them to be able to resist peer pressure and societal

norms, to think for themselves-but to have good values-and so do
they. .
Seeing "difficult" behaviors or symptoms as separate from

the person, and choosing to see the good in your person can help
you be on the same team as you fight against mental illness
together.
#
Chapter Forty-One
45 Help Them see Truth
An essential aspect of mental illness is the difficulty or
inability to tell which thoughts are truthful and which are not.
For example someone with depression may believe that they are a
burden on others, that they are worthless, ugly, unredeemable.
They often see others as thinking badly of them or assume that
they will fail, when the reality is that they are attractive,
capable, worthwhile, and loved.
Someone with an anxiety disorder tends to have difficulty
knowing when they are safe. They feel anxious (a perception of

danger) in situations that are actually safe. So someone with
OCD may feel that it is very dangerous to only wash your hands
once instead of 5 times, or someone with Agoraphobia may believe
that leaving the house is perilous, or someone with social
anxiety disorder may believe that everyone is judging them, that

anxiety disorder may believe that everyone is judging them, that
a mistake would be catastrophic, etc.
Sometimes people know that that they're feeling or thinking

isn't true- they can logically say "I know it's not nice or true
to tell anyone else that they are worthless, but it just seems
so true about me" or someone with agoraphobia may be able to
rationally say "I know that it's safe to leave my house, but I
can't stand how anxious it makes me!". And other times people
are completely convinced that the way they see things is
accurate. I've worked with clients with eating disorders who
actually believe that they are fat when they are dangerously
underweight. I've worked with clients experiencing depression
who genuinely believe that they only way they can help their
family is to kill themself.

Regardless of whether they believe the distorted thoughts
or the thoughts just feel true, we can sometimes help the people
we love by helping them see the truth. Now this skill, like all
the others, is dependent on a good relationship with your
person. They have to know you care, that you're not judging them
or trying to change them because you're irritated, and they have
to know that you're being real with them. That means that you
need to be so honest with them that they can trust what you say.
That means that sometimes you may have to tell them something
they don't want to hear or something that upsets them. But most
of your interactions will be loving and supportive, and they may

be able believe the truth about their thoughts as they come from
be able believe the truth about their thoughts/ as
<$surname> they
HOW come /
TO HELP from
222
you instead of from their distorted thinking.
Here's a couple of ways you can help someone see the truth:
Name the Game: Give their thoughts a name: For example:
● That sounds like your Depression is speaking loudly today

● I've had clients who like to name it "Negative Mind" ie.
"My negative mind is saying mean things to me again" I've
even had a client name her "negative mind" "Billy"

● With young kids with OCD it can be helpful to name the
intrusive thoughts "Bully thoughts"
● "My anxiety is telling me that I shouldn't go to that

party"
● "Your brain is lying to you right now, and that is part of
the illness."
I hope it's obvious that to really be able to help someone
in this way you need to get their permission: For example you
may say "Is it ok if I help point out when your depression is

lying to you?" You're not trying to diagnose them, be their
therapist, or fix them, you're just trying to help them get
perspective.
Another way we can be helpful is to externalize the problem

Another way we can be helpful <$surname>
is to externalize the
/ HOW TO problem
HELP / 223
a little, instead of saying "I'm a horrible person" we say "I'm

having thoughts that I'm a horrible person" or "My depression is
telling me that I'm a horrible person" we create a little space
between having a thought and noticing a thought
● Once we notice or name the thoughts, we might be able to
help them notice that they aren't true:

○ Is that thought actually true, or does it just feel
true?
○ "Is this something that you would say to someone

else?"
○ "Is that thought working for you? Helping you live the
life you value?"

I know that you feel like a terrible person, but even
though that feels real-it isn't true.
Sometimes even just reflective listening, repeating back to
them what they are saying or thinking can be enough to make a

difference. I was recently working with a client who said "I
genuinely believe that I could always do better, therefore I am
always a failure" and as we challenged that thought, I

highlighted the reality that there's never enough time to do
everything she wants to do-but that she still blames herself, we
discussed how the perfectionism actually hinders her-makes it

harder for her to get things done, etc. She said to me "Well
harder for her to get things done, <$surname>
etc. She said to TO
/ HOW me HELP
"Well/ 224
it's funny to actually think about this stuff and realize-rather

than it all being somewhat subconscious." This is one of the
mose powerful tools a therapist has- we call it "Making the
implicit, explicit" meaning we take what people are thinking

subconsciously and we make it more concrete- we put it into
words, we have them say it outloud, we ask them to write it

down, and suddenly when it becomes more "solid" it becomes more
clear how distorted the thinking is. Many things that we think
sound just fine until we say them outloud. So again, one of the
best things you can do to help people see things clearly is to
be a darn good listener. Create a safe space for them to share
their thoughts, examine them, and replace them if necessary.

#
Chapter Forty-Two
46 What if Hospitalization is Necessary?
One 6 aspect of mental illness that many people are
unprepared to deal with is when hospitalization or other
intensive treatment is necessary. Of the 5.4 million people who

sought mental health treatment in 1990, less than 7% required
hospitalization. More than half of those who needed inpatient-
care had schizophrenia, one of the most severe forms of mental

illness. If you or someone you know has a mental illness, the
chances are that you will not need hospitalization. But, if you
do, the following information will help assure you of the best
do, the following information will help assure you of the best
care possible.
Hospitalization is initiated when someone decides it is the

best decision for themselves, at the insistence of a family
member or professional or as a result of an encounter with a

first responder like a paramedic or police officer.
Hospitalization may be necessary if:
● The person is a safety risk to themselves or others

● If they attempted suicide, or have a plan or means to kill
themselves
● If they are acutely distressed, unable to interact or
function in a normal way.
● They are seeing or hearing things (hallucinations)

● They have bizarre or paranoid ideas (delusions)
● Are thinking or talking to fast, and not making sense (a
manic episode)
● Feel too exhausted or depressed to get out of bed or take
care of yourself or family.
● Have problems with substance abuse

● Have not eaten or slept for several days
● Or need to make a major medication change under doctor's
supervision.
If you think your loved one might benefit from a hospital
stay, find out all you can about local hospitals and the
inpatient and outpatient services they offer. Try to do this
before a crisis. Find out if his or her insurance or
Medicare/Medicaid covers hospitalization, and if not, find out

about community or state-run facilities.
In Utah, the State mental hospital is underfunded and there

is usually a long waitlist to get in, so privately funded
hospitals are generally the only option in a crisis.
Unfortunately jails also absorb the overflow, with a high
percentage of inmates suffering from mental illness.
Many hospitalizations tend to be short term solutions, they
try to stabilize the person, assess their needs, and change

diagnosis or medications. They often set up a safety plan and
then release the person with a commitment to seek further
treatment in outpatient services. When outpatient therapy is not

enough to meet the person's needs, the emergency room and these
short term hospitalizations can seem like a revolving door with

no lasting solutions.
Unfortunately there are few resources for someone who needs

more intensive help, and often the options are expensive and not
more intensive help, and often the <$surname>
options are/ expensive and/ not
HOW TO HELP 227
covered by insurance.
How hospitalization may help:

● The hospital is a safe place where you can begin to get
well. It is a place to get away from the stresses that may

be worsening your mood disorder symptoms.
● You can work with professionals to stabilize your severe
symptoms, keep yourself safe and learn new ways to cope

with your illness.
● You can talk about traumatic experiences and explore your
thoughts, ideas and feelings.

● You can learn more about events, people or situations that
may trigger your manic or depressive episodes and how to
cope with or avoid them.

● You may find a new treatment or combination of treatments
that helps you.
I'm going to include a link to a website with comprehensive
information on hospitalization-what to expect, how you may need

to advocate for yourself, etc. And in this course I'm just going
to cover a brief overview of general information.
Other forms of intensive treatments include:
IOP's- Intensive Outpatient programs.

These are often meant to help ease the transition from
crisis and hospitalization back into regular life, they can
include day programs at the hospital-and sleeping at home at

night, or transition into a couple of hours of therapy a day or
week. IOP's allow people to begin to rebuild their life,
perhaps getting back to work or resuming family roles, while

also engaging in intensive treatment. They often allow for a
gradual step-down in services that help build skills initially
and then increase in freedom and flexibility as progress

continues.
Residential Treatment Centers: These are places that have

24/7 supervision, therapy groups, individual and family therapy,
and include other treatment modalities to help create a deeper
change. Length of stay is variable, but for many of the places I
worked the teenagers would stay 6-18 months. Cost is often

prohibitive and often not covered by insurance, these RTC's can
cost between $4-60k per month-and I'm sure there are more
expensive ones out there...Residential treatment often provides

an intensive, detailed and holistic approach to treating mental
illness, but is out of reach for many.
Rehabilitation/Recovery Centers (Generally for Addicts)-

These focus on recover from substance abuse or addiction, many
of them provide intensive individual and group therapy paired

of them provide intensive individual and group/ therapy
<$surname> paired
HOW TO HELP / 229
with 24/7 supervision and support. Again these are expensive,

but disorders like substance abuse and eating disorders are more
likely to be covered by insurance.
Wilderness and Adventure Therapy programs, usually for

teenagers and Young adults, these pair therapy and supervision
with outdoor activities meant to improve self-esteem, give a new
perspective on life, and a supportive environment that

facilitates growth. I've worked for three of these companies and
seen some pretty impressive and speedy results, but again cost
and physical abilities can be prohibitive.
Outpatient therapy is usually once per week for an hour,

but some treatment providers offer additional support like group
therapy, and the place I work at also includes phone calls,

mentors in addition to therapy, and other forms of group and
individual support like equine therapy and yoga.
So to summarize, hospitalization can be beneficial during a
crisis, creating a safe space for people to get stabilized and
to change medications, but hospitalization rarely provides a

lasting solution to a mental health problem. If something more
intense than outpatient therapy is needed, IOP's, treatment

centers, and other providers can provide long term intensive
treatment-but usually at a high cost.

NATSAP
#
Chapter Forty-Three
47 What if they Won't Talk?

I once worked with a client for a year in residential
treatment who would not talk in therapy. And you know what? She
got better...
If they won't talk, don't give up, there's a lot you can do
to still be helpful. Work on yourself, don't force it, create
opportunities for connection.
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks
like a nail. So here's some suggestions, other tools that could

help if they don't want to talk:
● Check to make sure you're a safe place for them- that you
are creating and environment where they feel comfortable
talking. Work on yourself. Go to therapy. Education

yourself...etc.
● Find out their love language-and show them love regularly
● Show them physical affection in an appropriate way. Sit

with them. Hug them. Hold their hand. Or squeeze their
shoulders.
● Help them find words for their emotions by using reflective

listening or if it's your child-by using other emotional
●
listening or if it's your child-by using /
<$surname> other emotional
HOW TO HELP / 231
intelligence activities.
● Help them develop confidence and hope through challenging

activities and appropriate expectations- many people and
often males don't have the words to work through their
emotions, find another way. I'm going to be stereotypical

here:
○ With Kids-it's play, and stories, and hugs and
roughhousing.
○ With men it's physical challenges, boy scouts, high
adventure,
○ With girls it's social bonding and self-care, shopping

and spa treatments and massages.
● Find something meaningful to them, a cause they care about

and do some service in that area
● Hard physical labor-where you can see an outcome- sometimes
it just feels great to mow the lawn or chop some wood.

● Just sit with them- spend time in the same space reading or
knitting or whatever.
● Invite them to do things with you- go on an outings,

● Find out what hobbies and interests they have and do that
together, or develop new hobbies together
● Invite them to just hang out with you- tell them they can
come to your place to watch a show or do their homework,
loneliness is the worst
● Consider a certified sand tray or play therapist, they work

● Consider a certified sand tray<$surname>
or play therapist, they /
/ HOW TO HELP work
232
with people on a deep level but without words
● Try to do the occasional ridiculous or hilarious random
thing with them.

● Do something meaningful or uplifting with them like
service, a physical challenge like a 5K or a tough Mudder,
join some cause together

● Shoot some hoops
● Spend quality time together that isn't about their
depression, take them to the store with you or go fishing,

or eat a meal together.
● Help them with something- yard work or a project

● Get outside. Nature can heal.
● Music can heal. It's inherently emotional. Go to a church.
A concert. Or make a playlist. I even have a depressing

playlist that I use to connect with clients sometimes
● Keep showing up. Let them know you're thinking of them.
Invest time and energy in them even if they don't

reciprocate.
● If you're a parent of a teen it's not uncommon for them to
tell their parents little about their inner lives- see if

you can create opportunities for them to interact with a
3rd party adult like a coach, teacher or other person they

look up to. For me this person was my crazy high school art
teacher Zan Burningmahm
● Try expressive art projects- throw some paint or throw some

● Try expressive art projects- throw some paint
<$surname> / HOW or
TO throw some
HELP / 233
pots
● Do some expressive dance or just go to a zumba class
● Go to them, just go sit with them in their room-work on
your stuff while they do their thing, no talking required

● Pump up the oxytocin- Pet a furry animal, hold a baby, play
with kids
● Write them a nice note or an expressive letter
● Make something for them- a sentimental gift or a batch of
cookies
#
Chapter Forty-Four
48 Advocating
Advocate: a person who pleads on someone else's behalf.
There is a huge need to advocate for services for people

with mental illness. Because they often don't have the ability
or energy to advocate for themselves, and because there is
strength in numbers, your role as an advocate could be crucial

in helping your person receive the services he or she needs. We
need to advocate at schools, in our communities, we need

political advocates and legal help, parents especially have the
role of advocating for their child.
But it can be tricky to find the sweet spot of advocating
in a helpful way, if we approach a resource too aggressively,

in a helpful way, if we approach a <$surname>
resource too aggressively,
/ HOW TO HELP / 234
then we may invite opposition, but if we don't speak up then we

may never know what resources could have been accessed. In this
segment we're going to talk about a few ways you can advocate
for your loved one.
Obviously your ability to advocate depends on your role, as
a parent or spouse you'll have more responsibility and as a

friend-less, but do what you can within your realm of influence.
Work with your person to find out how much they would like you
to be involved. Be sensitive to their needs, but in some

situations you may have to more involved than they would like.
As always, the strength of your relationship will determine how
much influence you can have with them.

When it comes to advocating, how you advocate matters more
than where you advocate. Here' s a few tips on ways to make your
advocacy more effective and helpful:
#1. Be on the team

Whenever you go to a school meeting, contact your political
leaders, or request accommodations, you want to remind them that
you have a shared goal.

Don't position yourself against them- remember we invite
what we put out, if we go into a meeting with a combative
accusatory stance, we're inviting the IEP team to be defensive

and combative with us. Be firm with your requests and
and combative with us. Be firm with<$surname>
your requests and
/ HOW TO HELP / 235
expectations, you can even take people to court if necessary,
but doing it from a place of non-violence(not out of contention,

fighting against something, but instead out of your values and
fighting for something) is likely to have better results. Take
a collaborative stance. You can be very firm and very kind at

the same time. You'll catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar.
#2. Find anything in common- This follows up on the last
point- For example, if you go to a school meeting and say "We

both want better behavior" Then the IEP team will hear that
you're working with them. Thank them for the work they do.
Teachers, special ed instructors, counselors, are often

overwhelmed with lots of cases and never enough time. Take a
little extra time to show them that you appreciate what they do,
and it will go a long way in helping them remember you and want
to be open to what you request.
#3. Educate yourself. Learn about their diagnosis, study up

on community services, look into insurance benefits and legal
options, read up on the medications they are taking. There are
many helpful websites that can walk you through the many things
you need to learn, take the time to learn all you can.
#4. Another helpful stance is show your willingness to

#4. Another helpful stance is <$surname>
show your willingness to / 236
/ HOW TO HELP
work, ask how you can contribute? Ask for feedback, especially
with schools or mental health providers, show that you're part
of the team by doing your part. This is especially applicable to

parents, For example perhaps the teachers need your child to
follow-up on some tasks at home. Always be willing to work on

yourself and do your part, and that will justify you in asking
them to do theirs.
#5. Make your request clear. Be as specific and clear as
possible in what you are asking for from them. Educate yourself
on your rights and clearly explain that you expect those rights
to be respected.
#6. Communicate often. Find out who your point of contact

should be, get to know their name. Ask how is the best way to
communicate with the organization. Follow up with them
frequently, making sure to contact them when things go well-not

just when you have a complaint or request.
Now, Here's a few places that you can be an advocate:
Advocating at School:
There are laws requiring that school provide adequate
accommodations for students with disabilities, that can include
mental health issues that interfere with education. It's beyond

mental health issues that interfere<$surname>
with education. It's
/ HOW TO beyond
HELP / 237
the scope of this course to discuss the ins and outs, but ask
your school about psychological testing, IEP's and 504 plans.
Usually School counselors, schools psychologists, and special ed

teachers are well versed in these accommodations, but they don't
often bring them up, in part because special accommodations
often cost the district money.

An IEP is an Individualized Educational Program. It is part
of the Special Education program, and it provides a map for
services at a public or charter school who has a disability that

qualifies for services because it interferes with their
education. This can include depression, anxiety, ADHD, and
almost any mental illness that interferes with schooling. An

IEP planning meeting requires the student's parent, one of their
general teachers, a special education teacher, a district

psychologist and a district representative over special
education. During the meeting everyone works together to set up
a plan for the student's learning goals and describes the

services the school with provide.
A 504 plan is a slightly less intense plan, named after the

law that prevents discrimination based on disability, it still
requires accommodations, but the team is a little smaller and
the plan may include less intense interventions.
These team meetings can be an important source of help for

These team meetings can be an <$surname>
important source of HELP
/ HOW TO help /
for
238
children in the public school system. They can put into place
accommodations with testing, in-classroom strategies,
individualized support, and sometimes even treatment. If your
child needs accommodations-work to get to know the people on

their team, learn what your rights are, and communicate
frequently with them and your child to discuss how the plan is
working and if updates are necessary.
Link: https://www.understood.org/en/school-
learning/special-services/ieps/understanding-individualized-
education-programs
In addition to Public schools, Universities often have
counseling centers, learning disability support centers, and
they are required to make reasonable accommodations for

disabilities.
Another realm to advocate is with Insurance:

Understanding your insurance policy is key to getting
benefits, but it's super difficult to get coverage from most
plans for mental health issues. They have requirements like high
deductibles, limited in-network providers, and hoops for
providers to jump through in order to get funding.

My experience with insurance companies is that they don't
like to cover mental health services, they often have burdensome

like to cover mental health services, they often
<$surname> have
/ HOW TO burdensome
HELP / 239
paperwork requirements, and when it came to Residential
treatment they often set up a catch-22, if the client got little

better they no longer 'needed services', if the client didn't
get better 'they weren't benefiting, and they no longer needed
services." Fortunately I worked with the daughter of a Cigna

Insurance adjuster and he taught me to address that sweet spot,
reporting to the insurance company all the awful things that

were happening, and the potential for life-threatening things to
happen if treatment were ceased, while also mentioning the small
gains that were being made. This was hard for me as a solution-
focused therapist, but it was truthful and I was able to help
get funding for a few of my clients.
So work with your insurance to understand their benefits,

in-network providers and exceptions to that, and work with your
treatment providers to make sure that they are communicating
with you and your insurance company. Obviously this is a very

complicated topic, that again, I am not the expert of. You'll
have to do your own research to find out what can and can't be
covered by insurance.
With Mental Health Providers- Ask them how you can be

involved in the treatment. Would it be helpful for you to sit in
on sessions? It might help even if you're just waiting in the
waiting room ( I've heard that can be one of the most anxiety
provoking times for clients). Would your person like for you to
provoking times for clients). Would your person
<$surname> like
/ HOW TO for you
HELP to
/ 240
know about homework assignments or email summaries of visits?
Every therapist is different, but as a family therapist I love

to include as many members of the support network as possible.
Attend support groups with them or by yourself. NAMI is a
great place to start, but community, religious, and private

practice providers also run support, therapy or educational
groups.
With Medical Providers:
When possible attend doctors appointments with them, help
them write out symptoms and questions before an appointment, and

write down the doctor's response and advice during the
appointment. Learn about the medications, ask about
alternatives, help your person stick to their medication

schedule, if they aren't liking the medication or they don't
think it's helpful-always encourage them to speak with their

doctor before abruptly stopping a medication,
At work- at some point it may be beneficial for your person

to speak with his boss about the difficulties he is
experiencing, perhaps seeking common ground for accommodations-
though many people choose to hide their mental illness from

their coworkers or boss because of the stigma involved. The
choice is up to your person. Learn the laws, policies,
accommodations, benefits provided. Many companies benefits

accommodations, benefits provided. <$surname>
Many companies benefits
/ HOW TO HELP / 241
include an EAP-employee assistance program- that covers 3-5
sessions a year with a therapist- you might as well take
advantage of that.
Politically:
Advocate for mental health legislation, write your

congressman or senator, go to marches or rallies, and speak up
for your person when policy decisions are being made. I had a
high school art teacher who marched in a parade every year to

advocate for her daughter who struggled. Attend rallies,
parades, or advocate politically. You'll show your person you

care, and you may be able to make a difference.
Legally:
Another area that I'm no expert in is legal issues, but
there comes a time when you may need to advocate for your rights
legally. I have worked with kids from Illinois and Connecticut

whose school district covered the 140k/year cost of residential
treatment because the families sued the district saying that
they weren't providing reasonable accommodations for their

child's mental health needs. So you may want to consider seeking
a legal consultation on your situation.
Another area you may be able to help out with is accessing

services provided by the local and federal government. Again,
this is not my area of expertise, but there are people and

this is not my area of expertise, but there are
<$surname> people
/ HOW and / 242
TO HELP
services out there which can help you become an advocate to

access services like: Community mental health services including
individual and group therapy, educational support, and shelters.
Government services like medicaid, social security-disability,

unemployment, workforce education, disability support,
childcare, and other government services. I have found that
shelters often have a long list of community resources available

and can refer you to people who can help you access services at
little to no cost.
When it comes to advocating, reaching out to others with
family members with mental illness, or even online support

groups may provide a wealth of knowledge from people who have
been through that process. Find out what resources are available
in the community. Be willing to do the research and then speak

up for their rights. Most people have no idea how many resources
are actually available at little to no cost. Take the time to
advocate and you'll be surprised at how much it may help.

Chapter Forty-Five
Endnotes
#
Chapter Forty-Six
Untitled
<<<>>>
1 http://www.familyfocusedsolutions.com/systemic-thinking-
for-individual-diagnoses/
2 https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/mental-
illness/the-effect-of-mental-illness-on-the-family-relationship/
3 https://ideas.ted.com/heres-how-you-can-connect-to-
friends-who-are-depressed/
4 https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-
sanity-break/ways-to-help-a-friend-or-family-member-with-
depression/
5 https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-ways-to-support-someone-
with-depression/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17
6
https://secure2.convio.net/dabsa/site/SPageServer/?pagename=educ
ation_brochures_understanding_hospitalization

How To Help Draft Dari Skillshare

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How To Help Draft Dari Skillshare

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How To Help:

Mental Illness is Common-And Treatable 0

How Mental Illness Affects Relationships 0

How Relationships Impact Mental Illness 0

Understanding their Disorder 0

What Causes Mental Illness 0

Specifics for Depression 0

specifics for Autism 0

Specifics for SPMI 0

Specifics for Anxiety 0

Specifics for BiPolar 0

Specifics for Addiction 0

Taking care of yourself 0

Unconditional Positive Regard 0

The Problem with Making them Feel Better 1

Create Emotional Safety 1

What is your Motivation? 1

Act on your Values, Not on their Outcomes 1

Enmeshment vs. Detachment-A Better Way 1

Are You Judging? 1

The Problem with Advice 1

Strengths Based Approach 1

The Function of Emotions and Behaviors 1

The Function of Depression 1

Encourage them Access Resources 1

Invite them to be Active 1

Help them Laugh 1

Asking Good Questions 1

Extend a Helping Hand 1

How to choose a Therapist 2

What to do if they Won't Get Help 2

Go to Therapy Yourself to Seek Tailored Advice 2

More advanced interventions: 2

Homeostasis And Polarization 2

How to Talk about Suicide 2

Looking Beneath Behaviors 2

Your Role as a Parent 2

Yout Role as a spouse 2

The Comfort/Growth/Panic Zones 2

Attention Seeking Behaviors 2

Team up with them Against the Illness 2

Help Them see Truth 2

What if Hospitalization is Necessary? 2

What if they Won't Talk? 2

1. They've already tried that

So those quick bits of advice tend to make the problem

You're taking this course, because you-like your friend

In this course I'm going to teach you how to become an

what to do if they won't get help and some strategies if want to

Your relationship with the person you care about is the

I'm excited to announce my upcoming course called How to

Help: Powerful tools to help when someone you love struggles

I'll be including some videos here, but the full course is

on Udemy.com, and is going to include over 40 instructional

videos outlining specific ways to help someone with depression,

anxiety, or other mental health concerns.

In this course I'm going to teach you how to be a more

positive influence on the person you care about. These skills

can be helpful in any relationship, but they're essential when

or another mental illness.

because I want this course to apply to parents, spouses, or

person' to feel heard and understood..." I know it's not as

on what I'm teaching by being more direct.