When I was thirteen years old and first time I changed

my school and was fully addicted of sleeping with mom

and school friends and with this deep attachment my
father changed my school on my will, and this sudden
decision made my whole upcoming life as non-living. And
there was merging of multiple thoughts in single time it
was too heavy for me to tolerate this bundle of thoughts
on single time. The thing that was happening to me was
totally annoying from me and was totally hopeless. Cried
a lot for no reason there was so many argues with mom,
because in this whole torture of thoughts my mom
started treating me as adult and started to compare me
with others that why I am not happy like them active like
them??? And there was no answer. From ninth class my
motto of life was to go for travel freeness and satisfied
and was to become doctor. These were the natural
ambitions, that was different from my family girls the just
passed exams and did house hold work and don’t do any
job and it was not important for them to be something in
life, but for me I don’t know cooking it makes no
difference if I don’t know house hold work it doesn’t
matter, but for my mom I was like the most beautiful
opposite to favorite. But I love her with all my heart and
if I do hard work then just for her, always found myself
eager to listen single sentence from her that is “gurya
proud of u” but she will never say that I know but she
don’t like. I just want to be alone, far from my home, far
from my relatives, I just want to be alone, and these
continuous comparisons and continuous negative
thoughts made me nonliving. I am dealing these thoughts
alone and inside nobody know they always complain
about my sad expressions they think I should be happy all
time smiling all time. I didn’t shared u that I face ugly
thoughts in my mind and always feel like people laugh on
me, I feel myself ugly all time because my family
members always use to do praise of beauty of some
specific girls and I believe that it is not moon that is
beautiful it is the black sky that make moon beautiful.
But what should I do?? My believes got diminish
sometime that I cannot control my mind and it is very
difficult for me to feel ugly all time and dealing with
these thoughts alone inside made me inactive sad
expressions or no expressions. That was the phone with
which I can spend time but family made me to break it
,always tantrums useless comparisons I really got ugly
complexions after coming to home my mom compare me
with beautiful girls all the time and use to do praise of
them that I always imagine for myself and dealing with
these along with listening all this how it will make u feel,
it left marks on your night sleep always awaking with
most ugly dream and uncomfortable sad and nonliving,
why I tolerating all this because escaping from life is
always the easiest option. I know that I am ugly looks like
nonliving all time then why they don’t ask me? Why I am
like this I want? Or arguing and passing compliments all
time with they make silly jokes on me too. If u would see
my body internally then it is filled with black most deep
tangled black tar that has sucked up me from myself. I
am the person who found the many rejections from
friends, cheated me, left me, or started ignoring me, I
have one best friend she is my roommate but I always
found her jealous from me, or always seeing own profit
first. After all these I use to behave pretty normal like
nothing happened but these rolling tangled thoughts
make me like inactive. Sometimes I also think like what I
have in my life and after many trying i would be bound,
then why even I am alive, or sometimes found myself so
ugly due to thoughts that I think like why I am even alive,
why my family members don’t ever do a bit praise of me,
that their one sentence can change my mind after
dealing with all these thoughts I always use to think
about that specific time that I have in my life, that what I
will feel like when I will be free??? How I will feel like
touching to floating clouds? Do my thoughts are bigger
than me? Should I allow them to achieve victory on me??
Okay I spent 4 years alone like no talking just alone in
one room because I was studying. This was just a way to
use for be alone, when u will be satisfied with your own
self ,or control insides or learnt to happy alone u would
not be afraid of break ups or something, I can spent
whole days alone I just to be alone, because I learnt to be
happy alone. Have love for God first I believe in Krishna,
whenever I get completely sucked up I use to listen flute
say thanks to him for this life that I can listen my favorite
songs, I can see my mom face, I can taste my favorite
food, I can stand or I can do my all works I don’t anybody
and thanks for making me enough. I wish I could have
your life but u want to lose it. Have love for nature, see
your favorite shows download new games, please read
one adhya of geeta if u can, I will write a article for u
daily, believe me I am very faithful, I will never leave you,
I am always with u and yes it makes difference for me
your presence is important for me.