Tay Connor

Reminiscence

Looking back now, almost ten years later, I wonder if I really did the right thing. Could

things have been better if I had chosen a different path? Was there another way to save him? Did

I have to kill him?

***

The orphanage was no place for children. The windows were all cracked, broken, or

missing altogether. The roof threatened to cave in any day. The worst bugs and parasites roamed

freely, preying on the weakest children. We had no medicine. If a child were to get infected, they

would be locked in a shed out behind the orphanage for days. Most of those kids never returned.

Nearly all of us had been trapped there since we were born. Parents couldn’t afford to

care for children during the war. If one was as unfortunate as to bring a child into this world, that

baby would end up in the orphanage sooner or later. Every adult was drafted into the army. Only

the disabled and the elderly were spared. It didn’t matter how rich one was, they couldn’t buy

their way out of the draft.

I honestly didn’t know much about the war. It began long before I was born. Some people

speculated that it began as a dispute over land. Others believed that Prince Narim had been

assassinated by the Princess Roa of Rotadar after he rejected her marriage proposal, and that is

what started the war. But I didn’t care to know why it began. I merely wanted it to end.

I was running out of time. My seventeenth birthday was in a month. I was going to be

drafted. I would finally be free of the orphanage only to die fighting for a war and a country I

hated.
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The head caretaker of the orphanage lamented that the worst thing the orphans would lose

was their innocence. I didn’t see why she thought that. I was more concerned with losing my life.

I was sure that my innocence would be the very last thing I lost.

A month came and passed far too quickly. I was afraid to leave behind all of my friends

and my old life. But I couldn’t stay here. The orphanage was a place of death like the war. Only

here, one didn’t die fighting. In the orphanage, one died alone and locked away in a rotting shed.

The orphanage was no place for children.

Going to war was a sign of passage from childhood to adulthood. I lost the title of child

the moment I set foot in the barracks. Yet, I still felt like a child. I was scared. The first few

nights, I cried myself to sleep. The other kids pretended to be tough, but I noticed how their legs

were quaking, and how their words didn’t hold much conviction when they said they were ready

to die for our country. We may have legally passed for adults, but we knew that we were still

children.

I endured weeks of hard training. The Trainers did everything within their power to turn

those little kids into soldiers. They broke us completely and then molded the broken pieces into

something new, something stronger. After the Trainers accomplished that, they send us into

battle.

My partner in battle was named Vio. He was eighteen years old. Vio told me that he had

escaped the draft for a short time. Then he was caught and imprisoned for several months. Once

he was released from his cell, he was forced into another one: the war front. All Vio had was his

hatred for this country and everyone in it.

Nonetheless, Vio and I had a lot in common. He also came from an orphanage that was

all but completely destroyed. I didn’t know anything about my parents, but Vio told me that he
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remembered his mother had long, curly black hair that kind of resembled his hair. We exchanged

stories each night, and we quickly became close friends. The other soldiers would watch us. It

was unusual for a friendship to form here. Most people avoided making relationships with other

people since death loomed so near. But Vio and I didn’t care. We knew we would die here. What

we didn’t know was how or when. If we had known, maybe we could have changed things.

I should have known that there was something going on with Vio. He would disappear

for hours at a time. I didn’t question it; at least, not at first. I trusted Vio. When I couldn’t find

him, I guessed that he simply need some alone time. The war had a pressing, lonely, and

desperate mood to it. It drove most of the soldiers crazy. Vio was the only thing that could keep

me sane.

I thought about the orphanage sometimes. I wondered which kids had been confined to

the rotting shed. I could have easily been one of those kids. So many orphans had died. A list of

names was kept in the head caretaker’s office. All of the names belonged to the children that had

been killed by the infected orphanage. It was a very long list.

There was a list for the soldiers, as well. It was a great deal longer than the one at the

orphanage. I wondered,when would these lists cease to exist? The world was filled with too

much death and way too little life. The human race was bound to eventually completely die off if

the war never reached its end. The thought of the world being covered in the ashes of men

terrified me.

I voiced my concerns to Vio. I figured he would be able to understand my feelings. He

seemed amused by the idea of mankind being banished from the world of the living. Vio told me

that all men deserved to die, so that the gods could remake this world into something better.
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“Trust the gods, Asani,” Vio warned. “The gods will reclaim this world, and everything

will be perfect.”

Vio’s devotion to the gods surprised me. Very few people worshipped the gods after the

war began. But Vio’s trust in the silent gods never faltered. He revealed to me that he believed

that they had intended for the war to bring about the destruction of mankind. The way Vio had

spoken about the gods and the war deeply troubled me. Yet, I trusted my friend. I would never

have suspected him of the crime he intended to commit.

There were several occasions when Vio seemed on the verge of revealing something

important to me. He would begin to open up about having a secret to share with me. I would

prompt him to tell me whatever it was, but every time, Vio changed his mind last minute. I tried

and tried to convince him to talk to me about it. For a while, I thought that he was playing some

ridiculous game by messing with my head like that. But I knew he honestly had some important

information he was holding back.

“Asani,” Vio whispered one night, “I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”

Without hesitating, I replied, “I will always trust you. You’re my best friend.”

It was dark, but I could see Vio’s smile in the moonlight. I didn’t need to know what he

needed me to trust him for. The two of us were like brothers; we would die for each other, no

questions asked. I believed in Vio. The war was getting worse, and death was pressing in on us.

If Vio died, I didn’t know what I would do with myself. I was afraid for the both of us.

Vio disappeared again. Only this time, he wasn't missing for a few hours. He had been

gone for nearly an entire week. I was worried about him. Each night, I went out in search for

him. I couldn't sleep knowing that he was out there by himself. Something bad was going to

happen. Despite what everyone else thought, I didn't believe that Vio was dead. He had to have
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been out there, doing something involved with that secret he never shared. I needed to find him

as soon as possible.

I didn't find him. Rather, Vio found me. I was relieved when he intercepted me on my

way back to camp. However, that feeling didn't last long. Vio dragged me away to a hideout he

had created in the back of an isolated cave in the side of the mountain. He pulled out a detailed

map of the area that had been marked with hundreds of red dots. Vio informed me of the

meaning of those red dots: they were the locations of bombs.

“The gods have commanded it!” Vio exclaimed, waving a strange device around wildly.

“They told me that it is my destiny to end the war once and for all. My destiny! Asani, all of the

soldiers must be sacrificed so that the gods may create a more perfect world. Don’t you see?”

I wasn't for having the war continue, but I was also against having the war end with the

blood of every woman and man on Vio’s hands. Vio may have been insane, but he was my

friend, nonetheless. I had to save my dearest friend.

Vio explained how he had rigged the bombs to all explode at the same time with only a

single click of a remote. I needed to get that remote out of his reach. The device wasn’t safe in

his shaky hands. If he accidentally dropped it, I would have no way of stopping what was about

to come. I loved Vio, but I couldn’t allow him to act on his insane desires.

Feigning a sudden interest in his plan, I asked, “Vio, I can take a look at the device? Is it

truly capable of setting of hundreds of bombs at once?” Suspicion clouded Vio’s eyes, his face

becoming an unreadable mask. He knew me all too well, he saw straight through me. Vio

tightened his grip on the remote, and took off running.

I had no choice but to chase after him. “Vio! You have to listen to me!” I shouted after

him. “You don't have to do this!”

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He spun around to face me. “You don't understand! You don't understand! You don't-”

I grabbed him by his shoulders and gave him a hard shake. I screamed at him to snap out

of it. He tried to wriggle out of my hands. With a swift jab to my side, he sent me flying

sideways. Vio held up the remote, his thumb poised over the button that would kill us all.

My heart was pounding, my mind reeling. There had to be some way to stop him. Vio’s

eyes traveled upward as he began chanting a prayer in the gods’ language. Tears filled my eyes.

There was no other way.

My hands shook violently as I pulled out my weapon. I had to do this. Vio didn't notice

the gun trained on him. I watched his face change as I pulled the trigger. I shot him: once, twice,

three times. Bang! Bang! Bang! Vio’s dark eyes found mine. The betrayal was gleaming in his

eyes. Mine were pouring tears, more than I had ever shed before.

Vio whispered one last world.

“Asani. . .”

I had killed many people before then. But Vio’s death was the one that finally changed

me. I wasn't that kid I was before. Whatever innocence I had left was gone. The transformation

from childhood to adulthood created an entirely new person out of me. Once the tears finally

stopped, I saw the world with new eyes.

***

Vio haunts me to this day. When I close my eyes, I can see him clearly. I remember Vio’s

rough brown skin, his black, curly hair that fell into his eyes, and his goofy grin perfectly. Only

when I look into his eyes, I don’t see the laughter they used to hold. I am stuck by the cold, dead

look of betrayal each time.

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