The eyes of taxes are upon you.

You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
<Teknix> our local telco has admitted that someone "backed into a
button on a switch" and took the entire ATM network down
<netgod> hopefully now routers are designed better, so the "network
off" swtich is on the back
The Marines:
The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
cannot know a woman, the divorce.
-- Norman Mailer
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
Humor in the Court:
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
-- Ogden Nash
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
horses in that set are the same color.
Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
horses are the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
Forecast, n.:
A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want
a chance to change the world?
-- Steve Jobs (1955-2011)
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
D G G O

O Y A N

A D B T

K I S P
Enter words:
>
She's genuinely bogus.
Nothing happens.
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
-- Clarence Day
It's a bird..
It's a plane..
No, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue.
Doing new kernel versions in under 5 seconds flat..
-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".
-- Linus Torvalds
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Roger Price
I'll say it again for the logic impaired.
-- Larry Wall
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
To stand and be still,
At the Birkenhead drill,
Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
-- Rudyard Kipling
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Tools

Thirty spokes meet at a nave;

Because of the hole we may use the wheel.
Clay is moulded into a vessel;
Because of the hollow we may use the cup.
Walls are built around a hearth;
Because of the doors we may use the house.
Thus tools come from what exists,
But use from what does not.
-- Lao Tse, "Tao Te Ching"
"I hate the itching. But I don't mind the swelling."
-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying
to get everyone to start saying
<JHM> Somehow I have more respect for 14 year old Debian developers than
14 year old Certified Microsoft Serfs.
It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is
invisible to the eye.
-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
To date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are:
1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated
by the Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our
national security;
2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air
Force that sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent
technological developments or principles beyond the range of
present-day scientific knowledge; and
3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized
as UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles.
-- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from
1950 to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam!
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
thousand times before
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
A modem is a baudy house.
Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.

Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.

Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
We didn't put in ^^ because then we'd have to keep telling people what
it means, and then we'd have to keep telling them why it doesn't short
circuit. :-/
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
legislation...
Today is what happened to yesterday.
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.
-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
When in this world the headlines read
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
Who rob and steal from those who need
The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
Rudd's Discovery:
You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
stay in Washington and make it there.
There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-- DeSegur
Christmas:
A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system
crashes, usually just before saving a massive project. Easily cured by
UNIX. See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.
(from David Vicker's .plan)
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
### *** NEWSFLASH ***

Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!

Avoid contact with skin.
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be aseptic.
The linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.
-- Sent in by Craig S. Bell, goat@aracnet.com
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
-- Ruth Weston
Historical Slumming:
The act of visiting locations such as diners, smokestack
industrial sites, rural villages -- locations where time appears to
have been frozen many years back -- so as to experience relief when
one returns back to "the present."
-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
Culture"
Use an accordion. Go to jail.
-- KFOG, San Francisco
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
Gomme's Laws:
(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
(2) Time accelerates.
(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
stuff."
-- Dave Enyeart
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
-- Andrew Lang
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...

I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...

Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
of the more important things in life!
(pause)
Tomorrow!!
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to
do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with
the judges.
-- Beyond the Fringe
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic
algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
-- unix manuals
The Moral Majority is neither.
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'
- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS."
(By Tarl Neustaedter)
petribar:
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
the window of a vending machine too long.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Disc space -- the final frontier!
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!
-- Felix von Leitner, leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.
For a first offense, that is.
[ ] Safeguard this message - it is an important historical document.
[ ] Delete after reading -- Subversive Literature.
[ ] Ignore and go back to what you were doing.
Wings of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if
they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour,
unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your
accounting department can call it overhead.
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
Prizes are for children.
-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the
Pulitzer prize
Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again? I have washed my feet;
must I soil them again?
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)].
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt. With my own hands I
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when
he turned his back. I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he
did not answer.
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and
wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak.
[Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)]
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES: Cranial Males

SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description:
Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Feathering:
HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
Song:
A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are
going to start thinking you're from New York. :-)
-- Larry Wall to Dan Bernstein in <10187@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. And you're still
drinking ordinary scotch?
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
and getting people under the influence.
-- Jeremy Tunstall
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."
-- Robin, The Boy Wonder
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
EARTH
smog | bricks
AIR -- mud -- FIRE
soda water | tequila
WATER
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
most of them are trash.
-- Sigmund Freud
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-- W. C. Fields
Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
-- Ken Weaver
You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires
us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness,
inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are
contrary to habit...
-- Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease