Behind-the-Times Comics

ISSUE 5

A CHAMPION TO BE
CROWNED
RATED UNPC - not recommended for
overly sensitive or humorless readers.
Do I really need to tell you not to
try these moves at home?

Reprinting this comic without

written permission by the owner
is strictly prohibited.

(c) 2019-2021 by Dan Graffeo

“Friday Evening not Taped”
and its cast of third-rate
comedians will not be
seen tonight so that we
may bring you the
following special.
Hello everyone from ringside, I’m And I appear to have one foot in
Hal Dhuwan coming to you from the past...
Reykjavik, Iceland.

...and one foot in the future as I am joined

on commentary with Sy Fiye and Nefremaat.

The next International That may be so, but we have to have a

Heavyweight Champion. first International Heavyweight Champion.
Which brings us to the brackets.
 HD: As you can see, we are in
the finals. Octane, victorious
last time over Theseus, takes
on Taipan Taylor, who made it
past Frostbyt.

Who kicked your (BLEEEP!)

 At least I made it to the You dare mock me?!
second round.

Mr. Dhuwan, I demand you remove

this odious orbit of obnoxious!

I don’t have that Let’s talk about my victory

authority. But let’s-- Well, you did defeat
over Lumberjack Jacques!
Lumberjack Jacques--
 By disqualification. My title match is secured!

It doesn’t matter. I
Who would you What about
am the best He can barely walk.
prefer to face? Theseus?
technical wrestler in
Octane or Taipan
the world today.
Taylor?

We get a lot of whack-jobs

around here, don’t we?
 Yes. Yes, we do. Let’s go to ringside.

Ladies and gentlemen, the following SF: The Silent

match is scheduled for one fall. In the Diva. Boy, does
ring at this time, from Hollywoodland, she looks ancient.
California, weighing 144
pounds...THE SILENT DIVA!

NE: On
the
contrary, HD: Why
she looks do I feel
quite like I’m
modern. travelling
through
time?

HD: Mrs. Stone,

Her opponent, from Nashville,
coming down the
Indiana, weighing 135
aisle with those
pounds...MRS. STONE!
fresh-baked
cookies of hers.
 NE: She’d be a worthy
HD: Her husband isn’t royalty.
servant to me.
HD: I don’t think her
husband would go for
that.

SF: What a jerk! Knocking

the tray out of Mrs.
Stone’s hands.

HD: And Mrs. Stone SF: I think the

giving an “icy look” Silent Diva
to quote Heat might have
Lightning. crossed the
line.
 HD: Silent Diva going
for the early attack!

HD: Mrs. Stone

counters.

SF: Enziguri kick!

SF: Looks like Mrs.
Stone is setting up
for something.

SF: Aww, slams the Diva’s

face right into the mat!

SF: Now she’s grinding the Diva’s

face into the mat, side to side!
HD: I think the Silent HD: Mrs. Stone calls this move,
Diva’s nose is broken! “Mopping the Floor”!

HD: Silent Diva

taps! It’s over!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, now

The winner of this there’s a few minutes we
match...MRS. STONE! won’t get back.
Now onto salient matters--
Normally, I’d be happy to point out the
many flaws of Mrs. Stone’s mentality,
style, and ability, but rather than waste
my time, I’m going to focus on strong,
modern women.
--that means “conclusion.”
--that means “important.”
I had previously mentioned that
Higher Learning was only going to
be a temporary talk show. Today,
Higher Learning reaches its
cessation--
 At least where I come from, we
maintain the roads. How many broken
bones do you idiots want before you
do something about it? Or are you too
busy listening to Bjork?

As I was saying, taking my place is

a show that promises deep social It is called R-View and here are the
commentary and unprecedented hostesses: Rhoda, Rhea, and Rhonda!
augustness-- that means “dignity.”
Take a gander. This is what truly beautiful strong modern women look like. First is
Rhonda from Beverly Hills, who will give her perspective from a twenty-something-
year-old point of view. What have you noticed, Rhonda?

This place, like, sucks. It’s

like, all dark all the time
and (BLEEEP!)

Next, we have Rhea from Los Angeles,

According to the Lovenstein Institute,
whose speciality is research. Rhea,
Mrs. Stone only has a 13% approval
what are people saying about Mrs.
rating among college graduates.
Stone?
Sounds like the educated really don’t
think much of you.

And finally, Rhoda, Thank you, Professor

from Boston, will Harpo. Before I share
give a perspective my opinions, which are
from a more really facts, let me first
experienced point say how grateful we
of view. ahh that you gave us
some of your infinite
wisdom.

And I know that we are in good

hands because you have one of the You hear that
most brilliant minds I’ve ever Morty?! I am
known. smaat!
 Oh dear, I really don’t think anyone
Who’s Morty? here gives a (BLEEEP!)

Morty is my ex-husband!
And you can’t talk to me that Isn’t that right, Gabby?
way! The example you set for
little girls everywhere is very
dangerous.
 This has been R-View.
And remember, be nice
to each other.
 Wasn’t that a grand gesture on Professor
Harpo’s part as he gracefully handed over his
talk show to those delightful ladies?

Are you blind? Didn’t you see what happened

Maybe Mrs. Stone had it
to Mrs. Stone? That was practically one big
coming.
distraction so Gabby could pearl harbor her.

You’re just jealous cause you didn’t

Which is the Dr. Who Season 4 of cakes
get any of her Devil’s food cake.
by the way.

Well, one thing is for sure: Gabby Stukoff
and Mrs. Stone will be meeting in the
squared circle very soon and Gabby may
not like what happens when it’s face-to-
face instead of from behind.
Folks, this is it. In just a few minutes,
we will have the final match in this
long tournament. The International
Heavyweight Champion will be
crowned.

But don’t forget, El Fin also has a

And whoever it is guaranteed title match, so even if you
faces me. become the next International
Heavyweight Champion, you got a 500
pound Bolivian to deal with.

You were suppose to be in

that kangaroo.
 We are spending a lot of money to
help you get noticed.
I don’t need kangaroos, boomerangs,
and shrimps on the barbie. If you’re
worried about memorability, you won’t
have to much longer. I’m going out
there and I’m coming back as the
International Heavyweight Champion.
If they’re laughing at you, you’re
noticed.
And Octane? If you want out, there’s
no shame in ducking me, mate. I’ve
been bitten, broken, and battered,
but I’m still coming. And you’re in my
way…but not for much longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final
match in the tournament...and it is
for the International Heavyweight
Championship!

HD: Vice-President Annie Trutorian, coming down the aisle with

the Championship belt as this crowd is buzzing with excitement.

SF: Taipan Taylor eyeing that belt.

He looks laser-focused to me.

HD: Indeed he does. Right now,

we’re going to go to Carmen Soza,
whose with the other guy who
wants that belt.
 Octane, we have arrived.
Thank you, Hal.
And I heard your little analysis.
You think he’s got the advantage?
But he ain’t. Taipan Taylor has barely
gotten by every time he wrestled while I
have left sheer destruction in my wake. I
have the psychological advantage.
It’s down to you and
Taipan Taylor--
I think he wants to prove that
he’s the best compet--
Taipan Taylor is big and strong, but
I’m bigger and stronger. So I got the
physical advantage. Taipan Taylor is
constantly nursing one injury after
another. I have barely broken a
sweat. So I’m healthier.
 Taipan Taylor, you have the nerve to
say that there’s no shame in ducking
you? Let’s understand that statement.
I want that gold.
Hold on a minute, Octane. IWW officials
have already suspended their first
wrestler and if you keep assaulting an
opponent after the match, it could be
your career that’s over before it has time
to start.
Before you are willing to duck someone,
you have to first be intimidated by him.
There is no reason to be intimidated by
you. On the other hand, there’s plenty
of reasons to be intimidated by me.
And every minute you stand in my
way, I’m adding a minute to
shortening your career.
Then Taipan Taylor better fall
down fast.
 Ladies and gentlemen, in the ring at NE: Taipan may look
this time, from Hopevale, Queensland, ready, but are his
Australia, weighing 308 ribs fully healed?
pounds...TAIPAN TAYLOR!

HD: Good
question,
Nefremaat.

His opponent, from Carson

City, Nevada, weighing 310
pounds...

...OCTANE!
 NE: What an
entrance!
Almost as
good as my
own.

Gentlemen, as you know, the winner of

HD: But big this match will be crowned the
entrances don’t International Heavyweight Champion.
win titles.

There is no time There is no count-

limit. out.
 There is no Victory can only be achieved
disqualification. by either pinfall in the ring...

...or submission in Do you have any No.

the ring. questions?

Do you have any

que--
 SF: Another
sneak attack!

NE: It’s not Octane’s fault Taipan COME

lowered his guard. ON!

HD: Looks like

Octane is trying
to finish this
quickly!
 SF: He’s not
gonna beat
Taipan that easily.

HD: Looks
like he’s
going to try.

HD: Top HD: Another

rope cover...
across the
neck.
 HD:...Two... HD: Close.

NE: Ooh, he’s

going to punish
him.

SF: Why he
is going to
the outside?

SF: Oh, NE: No

that ain’t disqualification.
right. Remember?
 HD: Octane
HD: I’m afraid he’s right, Sy.
obviously
wants to end
this quickly.

NE: A few chair SF: All right! Come

shots to the head on, Taipan, move!
and the three-
count is his.

HD: He’s
doing just
that, right
to the
outside.

SF: Maybe
he’s gonna
get his own
chair.
 HD: Taipan’s
got Octane
by the ankle.

NE: Where is he dragging him?

SF: Oww! Ringpost

right in the tribble!
 NE: A ringpost
right in the
where?

HD: Taipan
with chair in
hand.

HD: Looked like he NE: A ringpost

was going to clock right to the what?
Octane, but decided
against it.
 SF: You
wouldn’t
understand.

HD: Suplex. Looks like Taipan is

trying to return this match to
wrestling.

NE: Foolish
move. He
should have
used the chair.
 SF: Maybe Taipan is NE: Maybe that
trying to show that will lead to his
he doesn’t need to downfall.
use a chair.

HD: Big elbow

smash by Taipan!

NE: I could
have dodged
that!
 SF: Look at the power of
Taipan! A backbreaker right
into a Samoan drop!

HD: He’s going

for the one-
eighty
piledriver!
 NE: No, Octane HD: And
slips out of it. Octane going
outside the
ring to
regroup.
n

SF: Taipan’s not gonna let

him.
 SF: They’re Don’t
worry, this
getting further stuff is
away from the fake.
ring.

NE: Taipan just hit a fan!

HD: Due to Octane

ducking.

SF: Octane
with the bell
right in the
ribs!
 SF: What HD: And that’s all
a cheap the opportunity
shot! Octane needs.

HD: I think he’s

going for C8 H18!

HD: Right through

the table! Right
through the table!
 NE: Octane should’ve
gone for the pin.

SF: No pinfalls outside the

ring, remember?

HD: Looks like

Octane is trying to
drag Taipan back
to the ring.

NE: I think
Octane has other
plans.
HD: Dear God! A belly- SF: Now
to-belly right into the what’s he
grill of that truck! gonna do?
 NE: Great
improvising!
He’s
strangling HD: Now
Taipan with Octane,
the going to the
seatbelt! top of the
truck.

SF: I hope
he’s not
thinking of
using my
finisher.

HD: Taipan
with a tire
iron. He
throws it!
 HD: Ooh, catches him right in the jaw and
Octane falls onto the hood!

SF: Taipan making his

way up to the hood as
Octane spitting up
blood!

HD: Dear
God!
HD: Octane speared! Right
through the windshield!

SF: I think Taipan

senses victory. He’s
bringing Octane back
to the ring.

HD: Look at all the

gashes on them.
HD: And now Taipan HD: What’s he got
with the chair. in mind?

SF: Ooh, Russian

legsweep right
onto it!

AAAAAARRRRRGGGHH!

HD: Taipan
going for the
one-eighty
piledriver!
 HD: He
nails it!

HD: A
HD: Two!
cover!

HD: No!
And Taipan
can’t
believe it!
 NE: It appears
there are now
TWO people that
can kick out of
that move.

HD: Octane with

SF: Oh get over an inverted
yourself. atomic drop.

HD: I think he’s

going for it again.
HD: Yes, C8
H18!

SF: No!
Taipan
gets him
off his
feet!

HD: Oh! Octane

dropped on his
head!

HD: Hooks the

leg!
 SF: Way to
go, Taipan!

HD: He got
him!

HD: Referee Chris

There’s your future, Cullen is
Nefremaat! presenting him
with the title.

The winner of this

match...and the newly
crowned International
Heavyweight
Champion...TAIPAN
TAYLOR!
 HD: It is official! Taipan
Taylor celebrating in the
ring as our International
Heavyweight Champion!

NE: He should enjoy

the moment because
his reign is going to be
a brief one.

SF: I’d love to get a title

shot too, but I give him full
credit. It was a long hard
tournament and he
deserves that belt, he’s
raising so proudly.

HD: Folks, thank you

for tuning in, thank
you to this wonderful
crowd here in Iceland.
We’ll see you real
soon.