Discussing Disabilities with your Children

1. IT’S OKAY TO BE CURIOUS

Children have a natural curiosity that eggs them on to learn about the world they live in. That’s why,
when they see a person with a disability, they’re going to ask questions about what they see. Some
children might not be able to frame a question but will stand and stare, transfixed, at a person with a
disability. Take the lead and offer a short, matter-of-fact description. The reason you want to be casual
and factual is to show your child that a disability is not something shameful: “The lady is wearing hearing
aids. Her ears work differently than yours. The hearing aids help her to hear.”

2. USE RESPECTFUL WORDS

When talking to kids about disabilities it’s important to use the right terminology. Children are always
watching and listening, so we need to be careful with our speech. For instance, it’s important to make a
distinction between the disability and the person who lives with it. It’s better, for instance, to speak of
someone as “having autism” or being “on the autism spectrum” as opposed to saying, “He’s autistic.”

Unfortunately, kids also pick up on what they hear from their friends. If you hear your child using a
derogatory term for a person with a disability, for instance, “Retard,” firmly correct your child, explaining
that the term is hurtful. You might say, “How would you feel if you had an intellectual disability and
someone called you a retard?”

This is exactly what teaching empathy is all about: getting your child to wear someone else’s shoes to
imagine how that person feels.

3. POINT OUT SIMILARITIES

To your child, other people, and especially people with disabilities, sometimes seem not quite real. When
talking to kids about disabilities, use the opportunity to emphasize all the ways in which those with
disabilities are exactly like your child. This makes the person with a disability real to your child. Once the
person feels real—a person with feelings, for instance—your child will be better able to imagine what it is
like to be that person. That ability to imagine another’s feelings is the pathway to developing empathy.

You might, for instance, point out that a child with Down syndrome loves her puppy, loves to wear
purple, and loves to listen to music, “Just like you!”

The idea here is to show your child that the person with a disability is not the disability, but a person
much like other people, with feelings, likes, and dislikes.

4. EMPHASIZE STRENGTHS
Children notice differences. It’s up to a parent to direct the child to look for strengths instead of
weaknesses. For example, if your child goes to school with a child who wears leg braces, he might point
out that, “Gregory can’t walk well.”
When your child says something like this, it’s a chance for you to educate your child in emphasizing
strengths, not weakness. You might say, “What is Gregory good at?” and discover that Gregory is an
absolute wiz at math. It’s important that your child learn to see Gregory’s worth and what he can do,
which is so much more important than what Gregory cannot do.

You might also use the opportunity to encourage your child to be helpful to others, in a respectful way,
with the things that are difficult for them. It can be helpful to remind your child that when she has
difficulties with certain things, it makes her feel good when others lend her a helping hand. By the same
token, helping others makes them feel good, too.

5. BULLYING IS WRONG FULL STOP!

Because children with disabilities may look or act different from their peers, they become easy prey for
bullying by other children. When talking to kids about disabilities, you’ll want to address cruelty and why
hurting another person’s feelings on purpose is always wrong. If your child hurts another child’s feelings,
teach her to apologize. Ask her how she would feel if someone said something or did something like that
to her. Let her know that all people have feelings and all people deserve to be treated with kindness and
respect.

Make sure your child understands that no bullying is an absolute rule—that even if her friends are doing
it, she must not join in.

6. MEDICAL DEVICES ARE NOT TOYS

It’s natural for kids to find creative uses for items with which they are unfamiliar. For instance, a child
without a disability may yearn to ride around in another child’s wheelchair. It’s important to teach
children respect for medical devices and not to think of them as playthings. You might say, “We don’t
play with medical devices. That wheelchair is for Jimmy what your legs are for you.”

Now that you’ve got all this mental preparation under your belt, you should be up to the challenge of
talking to kids about disabilities. The main things to remember? Children don’t start out cruel or kind. It’s
up to parents to teach them how to empathize by imagining others’ feelings. It’s our job to show children
how to be respectful and to focus on others’ strengths instead of their weaknesses.