Attachment, Connection and Presence in Romantic Relations

Mindsight
Digital Journal, Issue No. 2, June 2016

Topic

Attachment, Connection, and Presence in Romantic Relationships, by Daniel J.
Siegel, M.D.

In this 90-‐minute video, Dr. Dan Siegel dives deeply into the science behind
romantic relationships and the experience of being in love. Explore how
neurobiology, past experiences and attachment patterns, friendship, and
erotic attraction shape to whom we are attracted and how we experience
intimacy and connection. Learn to cultivate presence, mindfulness, and
mindsight to create attuned, integrated, and rewarding relationships.

1

Mindsight Digital Journal, Issue No. 2, June 2016
Applications for all Professionals and General Interest

A. Romantic Relationships (1:40-‐7:20)
• Love can be thought of as continuous micro-moments of connection, occurring
through positivity resonance and the broaden-and-build approach (the work of
Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D.)
• Positive states are considered to be those that feel comfortable, enjoyable, and
rewarding; positive states provide a sense of broadening experience and promote
further positive experiences, supporting balance, happiness, and well-being
• Negative states are considered to be those that feel uncomfortable, challenging, and
sometimes painful; negative states tend to deconstruct and narrow experiences and,
when in prolonged states, can move us towards chaos, rigidity, or both
• Resonance refers to mapping and sensing the internal experience of another within
one’s own subjectivity, supporting the feeling of connection to another
• Connecting in relationships with compassion and empathy can support integration
and promote an upshift in emotional activity, leading to the experience of positive
states
• When states of integration are increased and two people resonate, one can feel love
for another person; romantic love contains this as well as other parameters
B. Attachment Love (7:20-‐10:35)

• As mammals, attachment relationships develop through our interactions with parents
and the environment, recursively interacting with and shaping the nervous system
structure
• Attachments help us survive in infancy and childhood, and these attachment patterns
become a working model for future relationships
The 4 Ss of Building a
Secure Attachment
Seen
Safe
Soothed
Secure
• Both cortical and limbic areas are involved in attachment experience
C. Sexual Love and Erotic Attraction (10:35-‐21:52)

• Sexual arousal begins early in development and persists throughout the lifespan
• Puberty is the period in time in which both primary characteristics of sexual maturity
occur, such as development of the ovaries in females and testicles in males, as well as
secondary characteristics, such as the growth of breasts and beginning of
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menstruation in females and increased muscle growth, facial hair, and lowering of
vocal tone in males
• Primary identity of gender and sexual orientation are independent domains, and both
of these domains can exist on a continuum of being
• Changes that occur in the body and the nervous system correlate to changes in both
behavior, such as sexual drive and expression, and internal, subjective experiences
• In a sexual context, resonance refers to two individuals consensually bringing their
sexual drives together, becoming coupled as one; two independent systems influence
each other, but do not become each other, resulting in a form of integration
D. Friendship Love (21:52-‐24:45)

• Moving from dependence on an attachment figure, one can establish a mutuality of
attachment in a friendship
• A healthy, secure parent-child attachment does not involve parentification of the
child, or role-reversal, in which the child provides the 4 Ss for the parent or caregiver
• Social media “friendship” does not guarantee an attachment friendship that is
mutually beneficial and provides the 4 Ss; attachment is dependent on quality, not
quantity of friendships
E. Existential Love (24:45-‐33:23)

• Existential love refers to a love of being alive – an awe and appreciation of being in
existence with gratitude and a sense of generosity
Two Levels of Reality, According to Physics

1. Newtonian The study of physical laws that describe the interactions
and motion of matter with systems of forces
2. Quantum The study of reality on a scale of subatomic particles in
which it is most readily observed, though quantum
properties have been demonstrated even for matter
• The mind can be seen as an embodied and relational, emergent, self-organizing

process that regulates energy and information flow
• Quantum and Newtonian properties may be experienced differently with distinct
mental processes, such as the difference between the knowing of awareness and the
knowns of awareness—the objects of consciousness
Quantum Physics and the Nature of Reality: Important Findings

1. Conscious The act of observation of a photon – the fundamental element of light
Observation energy – “collapses the wave function,” reducing the state function: a
photon can be a particle or acting like a probability distribution, like a wave.
The commonly held Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum physics
suggests that the act of being aware – conscious observation – changes
energy patterns by altering the probability function from a wave and into a
certainty (acting like a particle, no longer like a wave).
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2. Entanglement The finding that changing the state of one entity instantaneously changes the
or “non-locality” patterns of a coupled (“entangled”) entity, like a paired electron in a
physically distinct location; this suggests an interconnectedness that “acts at
a distance”—this is not considered a force (it moves faster than the speed of
light), rather it is considered a coupling of entities of the universe and that
physical distance or “separation in space” is actually not what it seems—
these interconnections reveal that space may not be what we perceive it to
be
3. Reality as Quantum reality is based on probabilities, not certainties; mindfulness
Probability & practices, like the wheel of awareness practice, strengthen our abilities to be
Potential consciously aware. Energy can be defined as the capacity to do something,
and a range of energy probabilities from near 0% to 100% exists
• 100% probability = Certainty

• Near 0% probability = Uncertainty, or Open Possibility
• Plateaus of probability constrain these options as mood or intention;
specific thoughts or emotions or memories are depicted as peaks of
activation—the transformation of possibility into actuality; sub-peak
values reveal thinking, emoting or remembering
• The hypothesis from first-person accounts of the Wheel of
Awareness practice: the knowing of awareness arises when the
energy probability position is in the infinite plane of possibility –
free from top-down influence and, instead, a source in openness and
the source of possibilities
F. Romantic Love (33:23-‐40:55)

• While romantic love involves biological systems such as serotonin, oxytocin, and the
HPA axis and sexual hormones, dopamine – a central neurotransmitter for
motivational circuits related to drive and satisfaction – may be a key aspect of
romance (see the work of Helen Fisher, Ph.D.)
• Through involvement of the dopamine system, the quality of romantic love may even
have the quality of addiction
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• Each person’s physiological system has a varying level of dopamine production and
synaptic receptors, which means each person uniquely experiences the natural process
of decreased dopamine release that occurs as a romantic relationship becomes more
familiar overtime
G. The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Love (40:55-‐1:03:47)

• An ideal love relationship would involve romantic love, erotic love, and attachment
love, as each involves a different form of integration
• Research supports the understanding that the neurochemistry of one’s body influences
the bonding experience and that culture may shape the drive to bond
• Alloparenting refers to a shared, collaborative child-rearing approach, in which the
child may form attachment relationships to several care-providing figures
• Our memory systems influence how we experience and perceive love:
Two Layers of Memory

Explicit Declarative memory that can be • Episodic: Specific
Memory stated in words personal experience,
dominant in the right
hemisphere
• Semantic: Factual
information, dominant in
the left hemisphere
Implicit Non-‐declarative memory • Perception
Memory • Bodily Sensations
• Emotion
• Behavioral/Motor
Response
• Generalizations as
Schema or Mental Models
• Priming
• Who you fall in love with is a combination of:

• Physiology and biological processes, such as pheromones and immune system
compatibility
• Implicit memory and attachment needs, which may not be within
consciousness
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The 4 Attachment Categories
Attachment Category % of Population

Secure The child uses the parent as a safe-base for 55-65%
Attachment exploration
Avoidant Distant emotional connection. The child learns to 20-25%

Attachment not depend on the caregiver for comfort. He or she
may even detach from his or her bodily and
emotional sensations
Ambivalent The child feels uncertain as to whether his or her 10-15%

Attachment own needs will be met by the caregiver because the
caregiver is unreliable, inconsistent, or intrusive
Disorganized The child experiences the activation of two opposing 5-15%

Attachment processes at the same time:
• Limbic System – move toward caregiver for

protection
• Brainstem Circuit – move away from source of
terror
This results in a drive to move both towards and
away from the caregiver at the same time
• While you may be drawn to someone that offers what you may have been missing in
terms of childhood needs, both individuals can use this relationship as a foundation to
grow and create integration – honoring differences and supporting each other’s
vulnerabilities as they come together and connect; within the relationship, an earned
secure attachment can emerge, supporting long-lasting connection
H. Connection (1:03:47-‐1:16:36)
• Connection refers to a process of mutual resonance occurring between two
individuals, leading to attunement and a sense of we
7 Basic Nonverbal Components
of Communication
1. Eye Contact
2. Facial Expression
3. Tone of Voice
4. Posture
5. Gesture
6. Timing
7. Intensity
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• Integration – the differentiation and linkage of parts of a system – within the

relationship is essential to understanding resonance, which is different from mirroring
or giving up your individual needs and sense of differentiation
• Integration occurs with the maintenance of distinct elements and their linkage—
integration is more like a fruit salad than a smoothie
• Because our early attachment experiences create a foundation for future relationships,
it is important to reflect upon the question: What was my strategy of adaptation in my
earliest months of life?
• Love and connection create a subjective feeling of expansion, which is abundant and
unlimited
I. Presence (1:16:36-‐1:27:19)
• Presence is the nonjudgmental, receptive awareness of the unfolding of moment-to-
moment experience; the opposite of presence is unintentional mind-wandering
• If one is only living to achieve an outcome in the future or is overly focused on the
past, he or she may no longer be attending to the emerging present moment
The PART We Play in Relationships

Presence Openness; awareness of present
moment experience
Attunement Focus of attention on the internal
world of self or other
Resonance Being shaped by another
Trust A deep, open knowing of reliability
• Through bottom-up processing, one is able to drop down beneath previously

constructed expectations, assumptions, and habits to experience the present moment
as if experiencing it for the first time
The Three Components of Mindsight

Insight: Reflecting with awareness by focusing attention on the internal, subjective world
of one’s own interior mental experience, including feelings, thoughts, memories
Empathy: Sensing the inner subjective experience of another within one's own mind;
forming a mental map of another; feeling felt by an empathic other is the foundation of a
supportive relationship
Integration: The differentiation or specialization, and, ultimately, linkage of systems

including the brain and interpersonal relationships; without integration, chaos, rigidity, or
both emerge, resulting in a state of mental dysfunction; with integration, harmony
emerges with flexibility, adaptability, coherence, stability, and energy (a FACES flow)
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Creating COHERENCE
Intra- and Interpersonally
Connected
Open
Harmonious
Emergent
Resonant
Engaged
Noetic (sense of
knowing)
Compassionate
Empathic
• Through neuroplasticity, we – as individuals, relationships, cultures, and a planet –

can create impactful, long-term changes towards health, balance, and well-being

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Annotated Bibliography of Books Referenced and for Further Reading

1. For All Professional Groups, Parents, and General Interest

a. Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why
we stray. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company. Helen Fisher summarizes her
powerful work on the many facets of love as romance, attachment, and erotic
attraction.

b. Fredrickson, B.L. (2013). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything
we feel, think, do, and become. New York, NY: Hudson Street Press. Barbara
Fredrickson offers a powerful new way of considering love as “positivity
resonance.”

c. Gilbert, D.T. (2005). Stumbling on Happiness. New York, NY: Random House. Dan
Gilbert reveals that happiness is not really something we seek but something
that finds us as we are doing other things.

d. Gilbert, P. & Choden (2014). Mindful compassion: How the science of compassion
can help you understand your emotions, live in the present, and connect deeply
with others. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. Paul Gilbert and Choden
reveal helpful approaches to cultivating ways of loving ourselves.

e. Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work:
A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY:
Harmony Books. John Gottman offers useful insights into effective relationships
from his decades of experience as a researching on couples’ functioning.

f. Hendrix, H. & LaKelly Hunt, H. (2013). Making marriage simple: 10 relationship-‐
saving truths. New York, CA: Harmony Books. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt
provide useful tips to making marriage not only work well, but to help each
individual thrive.

g. Hrdy, S.B. (2009). Mothers and others: The evolutionary origins of mutual
understanding. Cambridge, MA: First Harvard University Press. Sara Hrdy offers
her anthropological view on the importance of alloparenting in shaping not only
our individual lives, but our species’ evolution.

h. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New
York, NY: Little, Brown and Company. Sue Johnson offers a useful summary of
her empirically established approach to helping couples unveil hidden resources
of connection.

i. Kafatos, M.C. & Nadeau, R. (2013). The conscious universe: Parts and wholes in
physical reality. New York: Springer. A fascinating exploration of a quantum
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physics view of how the act of observation alters the probability function of
energy.

j. Numan, M. & Insel, T.R. (2003). The neurobiology of parental behavior: hormones,
brain, and behavior. New York, NY: Springer. Researchers provide basic studies
of how we as mammals are influenced by the biological mechanisms of
attachment.

k. Panksepp, J. & Biven, L. (2012). The archaeology of mind: Neuroevolutionary
origins of human emotion. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company. (Norton
Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) A deep dive with clinical applications
into Jaak Panksepp’s lifelong exploration of the sub-‐cortical origins of emotion
and motivation.

l. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of
Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-‐regulation (Norton Series on
Interpersonal Neurobiology). W.W. Norton & Company. Steve Porges offers
powerful and detailed elaborations of his Polyvagal Theory which reveals the
complex nature of how we move from the receptive state of our social
engagement systems to the reactive states of fight, flight, freeze, or feign death
(faint).

m. Siegel, D. J. (2016). MIND: A journey into the heart of being human. New York, NY:
W.W. Norton. *To be publically released November 1, 2016. An exploration of
what the mind is, how we as a human species have somehow academically often
confined the mind to the head, and how a fuller definition of the mind as an
embodied and relational process can widen our discussion of not only what the
mind may actually be, but how also reveal we can cultivate a healthy mind in our
individual and collective lives.

n. Siegel, D. J. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative
handbook of the mind. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company. A non-‐linear
(and playful!) book that enables readers to explore the field of interpersonal
neurobiology by flowing through passages and passions at their own discretion,
the Pocket Guide provides a journey into IPNB in which the topic of the mind and
the process of reading are parallel experiences.

o. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact
to shape who we are. New York, NY: Guilford Press. A core text for graduate and
undergraduate programs in human development, this book’s second edition
updates the scientific studies supporting the essential proposals of interpersonal
neurobiology focusing on integration and the connections among relationships,
brain, and mind.

p. Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New
York, NY: Random House. Highlighting the centrality of integration—the linkage
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of differentiated parts of a system—in the cultivation of well-‐being, this book is
filled with case examples in stories and scientific discussions to illustrate and
illuminate the core of IPNB in everyday life.

q. Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: A clinician’s guide to mindsight and
neural integration. New York, NY: W.W. Norton. Imagine a walk through the
park discussing the key components of what being an open, receptive, and
effective therapist would be like—that is what this book offers the reader, a
conversation connecting science with practical applications.

r. Siegel, D.J. & Hartzell, M. (2004). Parenting From the Inside Out. New York:
Penguin. Dan works here with Mary Hartzell—a preschool director—to explore
how the attachment research findings that the best predictor of a child’s
attachment is actually the parent’s self-‐understanding can be applied to change
one’s own attachment state of mind—no matter the reader’s age.

s. Solomon, M. & Tatkin, S. (2011). Love and war in intimate relationships:
Connection, disconnection, and mutual regulation in couple therapy. New York,
NY: W.W. Norton. Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin offer distinct views of how
interpersonal neurobiology can be applied to the day-‐to-‐day practice of
psychotherapy with couples.

t. Sroufe, A., & Siegel, D. (2011). The verdict is in. Psychotherapy Networker, 35(2),
35-‐39. A short summary of Alan Sroufe and colleagues’ life work carrying out
longitudinal studies of attachment from before birth into early adulthood.

u. Stapp, H.P. (2011). Mindful universe: Quantum mechanics and the participating
observer (2nd Ed.). New York, NY: Springer. An excellent and accessible text that
is both a useful introduction and a deep dive into the ways in which
consciousness and intention shape energy patterns in the world.

v. Turkel, S. (2011). Alone together: Why we expect more from technology and less
from each other. New York, NY: Basic Books. Sherry Turkle’s innovative and
insightful view of how technology, as much as it connects us, also deeply isolates
us from one another, and even from our selves.

(More Reading for Mental Health Professionals, Educators, Executives and Coaches on the
next page.)
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2. More Reading For Mental Health Professionals, Educators, Executives, and

Coaches

a. Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). The bowlby-‐ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral
and brain sciences, 1(03), 436-‐438. Mary Ainsworth is one of the co-‐pioneers,
with John Bowlby, of the field of attachment and here discuss its fundamental
tenets.

b. Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective neuroscience: The foundations of human and animal
emotions. New York, NY: Oxford University Press. This original text is
supplemental reading for those that are looking for more complexity than the
Archaeology of Mind.

c. Smeltzer, M. D., Curtis, J. T., Aragona, B. J., & Wang, Z. (2006). Dopamine,
oxytocin, and vasopressin receptor binding in the medial prefrontal cortex of
monogamous and promiscuous voles. Neuroscience letters, 394(2), 146-‐151. This
is a paper that reveals how the mountain vole’s non-‐commital to a monogamous
relationship may be related to its distinct oxytocin distributions compared to its
cousin, the “loyal” prairie vole who mates for life.

d. Wilson, E.O. (1998). Consilience. New York, NY: Knopf This book proposes that
we can understand more if we find the universal overlaps or “consilience”
among usually independent pursuits of knowledge.

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Mindsight

Digital Journal, Issue No. 2, June 2016

Applications for all Professionals and General Interest

B. Attachment Love (7:20-­‐10:35)

• Both cortical and limbic areas are involved in attachment experience

C. Sexual Love and Erotic Attraction (10:35-­‐21:52)

D. Friendship Love (21:52-­‐24:45)

E. Existential Love (24:45-­‐33:23)

Two Levels of Reality, According to Physics

• The mind can be seen as an embodied and relational, emergent, self-organizing

Quantum Physics and the Nature of Reality: Important Findings

• 100% probability = Certainty

F. Romantic Love (33:23-­‐40:55)

G. The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Love (40:55-­‐1:03:47)

Two Layers of Memory

• Who you fall in love with is a combination of:

The 4 Attachment Categories

Attachment Category % of Population

Avoidant Distant emotional connection. The child learns to 20-25%

Ambivalent The child feels uncertain as to whether his or her 10-15%

Disorganized The child experiences the activation of two opposing 5-15%

• Limbic System – move toward caregiver for

• Integration – the differentiation and linkage of parts of a system – within the

The PART We Play in Relationships

Trust A deep, open knowing of reliability

• Through bottom-up processing, one is able to drop down beneath previously

The Three Components of Mindsight

Integration: The differentiation or specialization, and, ultimately, linkage of systems

• Through neuroplasticity, we – as individuals, relationships, cultures, and a planet –

Annotated Bibliography of Books Referenced and for Further Reading

2. More Reading For Mental Health Professionals, Educators, Executives, and

You might also like

B. Attachment Love (7:20-‐10:35)

C. Sexual Love and Erotic Attraction (10:35-‐21:52)

D. Friendship Love (21:52-‐24:45)

E. Existential Love (24:45-‐33:23)

F. Romantic Love (33:23-‐40:55)

G. The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Love (40:55-‐1:03:47)