365 Ways To Dispose Of Barney the Purple Toliet Dinosaur 

WARNING! Some of these killing methods may be illegal in your area. Disposing of the body
may also pose a problem. Please consult your local city clerk's office for a current copy of laws
and regulations before carrying out your daily dinosaur disposal. 

1. Make him watch his own show.

2. Make him gargle broken glass.

3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple
Halloween trick!)

4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists.

5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu - enough said

6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway.

7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November.

8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".

9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1996 Winter
Olympics.

10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model.

11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green, and
use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day.

12. Shoot him.

13. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...."

14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms
off.

15. Donate his body to science...early.

16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a
bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-
caps as conversation pieces.

17. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle of a
Barney?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time.

18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.

19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode.

20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time,
selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be
worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!

21. Put him in Strait-Jacket (really tough & leathery).

22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things for a year or so...

23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favourite)
then grind up his bones for fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney. Then
repeat the process as many times as you like...
24. Sew his lips to his asshole.

25. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.

26. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.

27. Toss him into a blast furnace.

28. Make him a referee in an NHL game.

29. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your vegetables.

30. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book.

31. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.

32. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat his ass
with a jagged piece of metal until he screams.

33. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all
Klingons are really wimps.

34. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him
into a pit full of lawyers...

35. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor. Don't give him a needle and
thread.

36. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him. I am not sure
that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.

37. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we are lucky, he will be shot in a
drive by!

38. There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution.

39. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell" 100 times with a
piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long.

40. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.

41. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See how effective that torture method
*really* is.

42. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...)

43. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.

44. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear.

45. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marianas Trench.

46. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch.

47. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test.

48. Send him to Somalia as famine relief.

49. Target practice.

50. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory.

51. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane.
Then throw the chute after him.

52. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out.

53. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.

54. Cruise missile target.

55. Plutonium enema.

56. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."

57. Send him to Miami in a rented car.

58. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.

59. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.

60. Make him become a politician in Mexico.

61. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.

62. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

63. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show"

64. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance.

65. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him.
66. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug' *now*!?!"

67. Shave his fur. ALL of it.

68. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the Barney juices.

69. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends" tapes with "Beavis 'n'
Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to death.

70. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station.

71. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.

72. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him.

73. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 on Earth. Oh! and
make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too.

74. Let him take a New York Subway at night.

75. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the water barriers, not the other
kind).

76. Use him as a bungee cord.

77. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)

78. Let him help put out forest fires.

79. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast.

80. Throw him into a combine.

81. Bazooka blast to the cranium.

82. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.

83. Tie him up like a piñata and have small Mexican children beat it to death.

84. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.

85. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.

86. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.

87. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.

88. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is that they're mostly purple too).

89. Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing fire.

90. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation.

91. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological – Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit.

92. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum. (use lots of
both... < 100 pounds... mix well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.

93. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.

94. See if liquid helium has similar effects.

95. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes. (mix until gel-like)
You’ll need another sparkler.

96. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.

97. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single cause for
once in a thousand years and kill him!

98. Microwave ovens work wonders.

99. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country music, until even HE goes insane
with all the sap!

100. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.

101. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself.

102. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is
the biggest Gay basher on the Earth.

103. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise.

104. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters.

105. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm. #2 is full of pepper.

106. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.

107. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.

108. Put him in Crip gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible)

109. Drain-O milkshakes.

110. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".

111. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church

112. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM.

113. "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."

114. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.

115. Send him to France and have him declare he's American.

116. Let him drink the water in Guadalajara.

117. Get him married to O J Simpson.

118. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.

119. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.

120. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.

121. Tell the NRA he supports gun control.

122. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal. (reversible)

123. A Black Hole.

124. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than you......."

125. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)

126. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube.

127. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?"

128. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.

129. Tell him piranhas like to be petted.

130. Fill the sandbox with quicksand.

131. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.

132. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!)

133. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the living
hell out of him, then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the
door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly, and painfully!).

134. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since Barney obviously has sex with
her regularly, sit back and watch the fun.

135. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies.

136. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach down the purple one's throat (a
funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt
his organs from the inside out.

137. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day; you've made a new treat!
"JURASSIC FRITTERS"!

138. Sign him up as the new drummer for" Spinal Tap".

139. Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's
house.

140. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.

141. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop
bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get tired of
this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door.

142. Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.

143. Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher.

144. Introduce him to a pit bull.

145. Stuff him down the garbage disposal.

146. Mummify him.

147. Give him drowning lessons.

148. Nitroglycerin suppository

149. Paper cuts from hate mail

150. Wine press

151. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon

tetrachloride)

152. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter

153. Exploding gas barbecue

154. Rusty meat hook

155. Pulp digester / Saw mill

155. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu

156. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).

157. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".

158. Exploding school bus

159. Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the
carnivores.

160. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide

161. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongy feet

162. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie

163. Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck (with static line?)

164. 1000 RPM merry-go-round

165. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road

166. Tail caught in elevator doors

167. Legalization of purple slavery

168. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric,
sulphuric, or hydrochloric)

169. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.

170. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a symbol for white supremacy)

171. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?')

172. Replace the candles on his birthday cake with sticks of TNT.

173. Swarmed by killer bees

174. Purple parasites

175. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise)

176. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)

177. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.

178. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want him)

179. Acupuncture with a nail gun

180. Hit and run at a school crossing

181. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens

182. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.

183. Harpooned by a whaling ship

184. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.

185. Run over by a Zamboni

186. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.

187. Crushed between plates in a fault line.

188. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?

189. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.

190. Replace the powder in his Pixie-Stix candy with cocaine.

191. Egyptian mummification ritual.

192. Visit to the taxidermist.

193. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

194. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.

195. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.

196. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.

197. Bludgeoned to purple paste.

198. Compressed to a singularity.

199. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile"
on the label)

200. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.

201. Heat pasteurization.

202. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.

203. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

204. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.

205. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).

206. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

207. Fix his hemorrhoids with the electric hedge trimmer.

208. Feed him fish & chips (& vinegar - Acetic Acid) and top it with lots of salt. (H2C3 H2O)
+NaCl -> Na2C3 H2O + HCl

209. Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.

210. Just wait. Congress will probably cut his funding soon, anyway...

211. Send him to a cannibal infested island.

212. Make him stick his head in a paper shredder, or a garbage disposal, or a lawn mower... you
get the Idea.

213. Use him as archery practice.

214. Use him as bayonet practice.

215. Tie him to the back of a semi. Drive over very hard surfaces.

216. Tell him that lying in the road is fun.

217. Send him so Spain for "The running of the bulls" (tie weights to his feet)

218. Throw him in a shark pit.

219. Throw him in a alligator pit.

220. Put him in a blender and sell him as grape flavoured children's cough syrup. (Of course that
would be cruelty to Children :)

221. Make him listen to Preston Manning (leader of Reform party in Canada, he has a high
pitched, squawking voice).

222. Send him to Africa wearing KKK clothes.

223. Send him to Cuba with a shirt saying "Fidel sucks."

224. Give Barney a gasoline shower and then make him smoke. (Burn baby burn).

225. Make him take a bath and drop a radio, hair dryer, microwave, and etc. in there with him.

226. Put him on a NYC subway without an weapon

227. Put him on a NYC bus without money (and watch what the drivers do to him)

228. Send him Door to Door in NYC Asking for contributions to keep Barney on TV.

229. Lock him and Baby Bop in a cave with The Power Rangers (They both suck so much they
should stay like that for ever until they are forced to eat each other)

230. Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into an iron maiden.

231. Nail him down to a sidewalk, then get a bicycle and ride back and forth over him until he
dies, relishing the sounds of his bones crackling and breaking like newspapers, seeing seams
burst open in his sides and foam guts flying out them, hearing his final agonized screech before
you crush his head with a tire.

232. Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:".
233. Make him sit in the passenger seat of an experimental sports car, speed the car up to an
incredible velocity, then shove his head out the window and watch his layers of polyester and
nylon skin float away.

234. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, putty up the bottom slats, then slowly drop
bugs in through the top slats (preferable creatures like spiders and centipedes). When you are
satisfied with the number of bugs putty up the top slats, sit back, and enjoy hearing his howls and
shrieks of terror until you tire and shoot him through the locker door.

235. Send him to a Gay Pride parade wearing a shirt that reads "I hate queers".

236. Make him bungee jump with a regular rope tied around his neck.

237. Place Barney in a quarantine room and give him an injection of the latest Level 4 viruses,
including Ebola.

238. Paint him white and handcuff him to a streetlight in a housing project full of gangbangers.

239. Tell Michael Jackson there is a little boy inside the costume.

240. Perform dentistry on him with a Black & Decker electric drill, using a really big drill bit.

241. Force feed him Hudson river water.

242. Make him swallow broken light bulbs.

243. Force-administer him lots and lots of Barium enemas.

244. Shove a beer bottle up his ass and smash it with a hammer.

245. Burn him repeatedly with a cauterizing wand.

246. "Accidentally" leave the heart defibrillator turned on, with the paddles superglued to his
chest.

247. Smash in all his teeth with a crescent wrench, then perform root canals and extractions of
them all without using Novocain.

248. Three-week old urine specimens. Need we say more?

249. Soufflé a ‘la Barney. Microwave or conventional oven.

250. Locked in with the sequestered O.J. Simpson jury members for the entire duration of trial.

251. Let him fiddle around with a magnetron.

252. Toliet bowl cleaner and Comet forced down his throat.

253. An enema made with a whole box of automatic dishwasher detergent.

254. Dress him like a drag queen and drop off at a biker bar.

255. Knock over the row of Harleys at the same bar, blame it on him.

256. Barney at the bottom of an elevator shaft. Load the elevator with grand pianos, bring to top
floor, and cut the cable.

257. Inject with crank, speedballs, and opium; put PCP in his crack pipe.

258. Large double-headed dildo, filled with strong acid or alkali, inserted into Barney's bunghole
and left to disintegrate.

259. Strapped to medieval torture device, and worked on till mortality.

260. Send him to a gay bar with a repertoire of the cruelest gay jokes.

261. Send him to McHugh's Irish Pub with repertoire of Irish jokes.

262. Jack In The Box cheeseburgers. Lots of them.

263. Barney the Construction Worker.... oops!

264. Stab with used syringes from the AIDS testing laboratory.

265. Replacement quarterback for any NFL team.

266. Replacement goalie for any NHL team.

267. Barney bumper guards on any seagoing garbage scow.

268. Replacement "Jason" on any "Friday the 13" movie.

269. Send him out trick or treating in the bad part of town. Don't give him a flashlight or
reflective clothing.

270. The Barney Christmas Tree holder. Be sure to use frayed cords for the tree lights, running
the cord underneath him. Water well.

271. Test target for any railgun.

272. Make him smoke in a cigarette lighter factory.

273. Product tester for the Ex-Lax company. Do not provide toliet.

274. Tank full of electric eels.

275. Government LSD test subject. (Acid-O-Therapy)

276. Barney. Warp core breach. End of story.

277. Seal Barney in a Jefferies tube, release neurophosgene gas.

278. Transporter malfunction.

279. Lock Barney in a cage with Asian bird-eating tarantulas. Lots of them.

280. Shove a paper bag down his throat.

281. Make him swallow defective condoms filled with heroin.

282. Put him in the pressurized chicken fryer ala KFC Extra Crispy.

283. Lock him in a commercial freezer with an ammonia leak inside.

284. Decompression chamber.

285. Job as a process server in Harlem or L.A.

286. Bicycle messenger in New York.

287. Lance open abdomen to expose viscera, leave near anthill.

288. Open heart surgery, "forget" about using anesthesia.

289. Chainsaw enema.

290. Shotgun enema.

291. Feed a liquid diet deficient in iron and fibre, and let him die of chronic diarrhea.

292. Insulin injections. Lots of them.

293. Test target for a 40 megawatt beam of positrons and antiprotons.

294. Replacement insulator for high tension transmission line.

295. The Barney Ballast Resistor. (a little tight fitting in TV cabinet)

296. Insert broom handle up Barney's bunghole, and use as a toliet plunger.

297. Wire him to hi-power FM transmitter and use as a dummy load.

298. While he's douching, rehook his enema hose to the vacuum cleaner.

299. Replace all his golf clubs with lug wrenches and tire irons. Make him carry his own bag.

300. Force-fed all the urine samples from the drug testing lab.

301. Force-fed dozens of leaking flashlight batteries.

302. Strapped down under a 2500-watt mercury vapour lamp with a broken outer envelope for 16
hours. Then rub in moistened salt paste with coarse-grade sandpaper. (Hint: Mercury lamps emit
LOTS of ultraviolet)

303. Band saw.

304. The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker.

305. Saw off his sack (castration).

306. Put him in bed with Lorraina Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He will wake up
the next morning with two broken legs, missing his ding dong, and without health insurance.

307. Abdominal peritonitis.

308. Feed it lots of calcium and baking soda. (alkalosis and kidney stones)

309. Dropped in a launching tube with the 4th of July fireworks. Light the fireworks tubes with
his birthday candles.

310. Used as a urinator at a multiple-keg beer bash.

311. Anthrax and rodent-vector hemmorhagic fever injections.

312. Thrown in the moshpit at the next Metallica concert.

313. Put on a pair of black gloves and O.J. his butt.

314. Test out the new Dino-Slicer from Ronko.

315. Cover with honey and show him how Baby Bob broke your Uncle Milton Ant Farm.

316. Put him in a blender, heat to warm....Dino-De Jour.

317. Two words "Dino Burgers."

318. Put Barney in an espresso maker, Cafe Jurassic.

319. Shove live rats up his ass and let them eat their way out.

320. Hook up a vacuum cleaner to his colostomy bag, set for Edge-Kleener.

321. Crazy glue his anus closed, and force feed him five bottles of Fleet Phospho-soda saline
laxative.

322. Sharpen up the old wood ax and give him a "Split Personality."

323. Shove a cordless telephone up his ass and call his number until he answers it. Call collect.

324: Laser eye surgery, using Star Wars technology.

325: Make him count the transistors in a Pentium chip. Punish severely every time he loses
count, so he has to start over.

326: Boeing aircraft crash test dummy.

327: Make him do surgery on his own bunghole. Hand him plenty of dull knives and scissors to
do the job with. Dip scissors in an unflushed toliet, rotting kitchen garbage, or other bacteria-
laden places.

328: The Barney Aquarium Ornament. After a few days, buy some nice piranhas for the
fishtank, turn off the light, and dump them in.

329: Have him drive a UPS truck through the Chicago picket lines.

330: The Barney Lightning Rod.

331: Flatten with a steam roller, and cut out urinator screens from the flattened carcass.

332: Strap into a wheelchair. Unscrew the brake handles, and roll off the top of a San Francisco
or Seattle hilltop. In either case, he should hit water at the bottom.

333: The Barney Toliet Seat Cover.

334: Strap into a wheelchair, and roll toward the front of a large jet aircraft. Callously allow him
to be sucked into the engine intake.

335: Force him to write "Barney Death Lists" for all eternity.

336: Cram him into a toliet tank and drop off a tall cliff or building.
337: Force him to hand-spin the "disk" inside a hard disk drive. Punish each time a disk error
occurs. If too many errors occur, cut off his hands and spank him with them.

338: Substitute Barney for Principal McVickar in a Beavis & Butthead show. Repeat process
until Barney runs out of clean pants and pills. Then let Daria and Buzzcut beat the bejeesus out
of him.

339: Soak him thoroughly and deposit him in Antarctica.

340: Deposit Barney in Disneyland on Gay Day, and let all the queers hug him until he dies.
Then put the corpse in Goofy's dog dish.

341: Break his arms and legs and leave him at a Benny Hinn revival.

342: Have him star in an Energizer commercial substituting for the Bunny, and have the guy lie
about which battery really lasts longer.

343: Replace the couch on Beavis and Butthead in the "Die Fly Die" episode. Replace it with
Barney.

344: Vaya con Cornholio.

345: Make him eat chicken in Hong Kong.

346: Pop fluorescent light bulbs over his head until he chokes on all that white powder and dies.
(Wear a respirator when you do this)

347: Throw Barney into an electrical vault. Water well.

348: The Barney Candleholder. Let the candles burn all the way down.

349: Put him halfway in an open elevator. Have someone up on the roof to cut the cable before
he gets all the way inside.

350: Feed him Ex-Lax brownies, then sew his lips to his asshole.

351: Ben-Gay his genitalia. Tell him it's to stop "morning wood".

352: Shove a lamp up his bunghole, then turn it on and walk away. Be sure to use a 100W or
larger light bulb.

353: Strap his head to the largest loudspeaker at an Anthrax concert.

354: Put him in a black Mercedes and send into a tunnel with photographers on motorcycles
taking his picture.
355: Replace the wrecking ball at a demolition with Barney. Wreck a building or two with this
contraption.

356: Dry-clean Barney. Immediately toss him into a gas fired clothes dryer, start it, and glue the
timer knob to the machine. Run like hell!

357: A .357 in the wrong hands works wonders. Jamming a lighted propane or acetylene torch
down his throat also works quite effectively.

358: Lock him in a suitcase and leave at the Denver airport. I don't think they've fixed their
suitcase-eating baggage carousel yet.

359: The Barney Diaper Pail. Give it to those people who had septuplets.

360: Have him field all of the hate calls to PBS for ever putting Barney on the air to begin with.

361: Insert seal bombs, cherry bombs, Roman candles and bottle rockets into all of Barney's
bodily orfices and skin folds. Connect fuses together and put them in an electrically-fired squib.
Wire the squib to the smoke alarm, and then go burn some toast.

362: Insert some Whistling Petes into his bunghole. Light the fuses.

363: Clean up spilled gasoline with paper towels, then throw them in the toliet. Force him to
smoke while taking a dump. Be sure he throws the match (or the siggeret stub) in the toliet
afterwards.

364: Jam full bottles of champagne down his throat. Set him on a really shaky or strongly
vibrating amusement ride for a while, then hit him in the stomach with a tire iron.

365: Wind fifty strings of Christmas lights around him, then take him outside, set in shallow
water, plug the lights in, and then kick him over.

366: Cut off his ding-dong and shove it up his bunghole. Do *not* bandage up the stub of his
pee-pee. Force-feed warfarin teepz if necessary.

367. Exploding Handkerchief of Doom (I don’t know what this means, but it sounds cool).

368. Dress him up in a new winter coat from Ralph Lauren’s "flaming thermoplastic resin" line.  

369. Cable stretched across scenic Barney bicycle path.  Head goes one way, torso another.

370. Force Barney to run through downtown Compton at 1:00 AM on a Saturday night with
fistfuls of cash in each hand, wearing an extremely unfortunate T-shirt and screaming vicious
racial epithets.  
371. Encourage Barney to refer to Louis Farrakahn with the code term "my skank ho" in
conversations with Mike Tyson.  

372. Strike oil using the patented "Barney’s crushed, disembodied head" drill bit.

373. Send Barney to the Republican National Convention.  Tell him to shout, "I’m a
telecommunications lobbyist, and I’ve got plenty of money for anyone willing to help 
me strip-mine America’s public airwaves".  Watch him be trampled to death in the ensuing
feeding frenzy.  

374. "Cross-Dresser Barney Night" at the local maximum-security prison.  

375. Send Barney back in time to the French Revolution, wearing a nobleman’s powdered wig
and silk pantaloons.

376. Flurry-slap from "roid raged" Hulk Hogan after encouraging Barney to tell him, "Oh, pro
wrestling is just for wussies, anyway".

377. Convince Napa Valley winemakers that Barney is actually a plump, gigantic grape,
exploding with flavor and sun-ripened goodness.

378. Nail gun to the head from Norm Abrahms during frenzied, apocalyptic episode of "This Old
House".  

379. Encourage Barney to write cheap, sensationalistic articles in Russian magazines depicting
Vladimir Zhirinovsky as a crack whore, then have Barney sneeringly invite 10 of Zhirinovsky’s
toughest, most fanatical bodyguards to his hotel suite for a "girl to girl talk".  

380. Encourage Barney to stomp the life out of French poodle at an AKC dog show.  Describe
"French poodle" to him as "that brown and black dog there with the narrow, pointed muzzle and
long fangs".

381. Have "The Beast" Dan Severinsen demonstrate his "flying testicle lock" to Barney during
filming of Ultimate Fighting Championship VIII, "The Rending of Barney".  

382. Have Barney invite any given workman to his home for some repair work, and have him
say, "Yep, I don’t mind if I have to pay a little more in the beginning as long as I can get a
quality job done".  Watch as he is crushed to a purple-tinged oil slick under the feverish biomass
of electricians and locksmiths parachuting in from cities up to 3,000 miles away.  

383. Convince Saddam Hussein that the dried powder rendered from Barney’s liver makes an
effective propellant for anti-tank charges.  

384. Place Barney directly in the path of Rush Limbaugh and William Bennet, then whip off
table cloth to reveal tasty assortment of pastries on the other side of the room.
 
385. Richard Simmon’s new fitness regime, "Deal-a-vital-purple-organ".  
386. Allow Barney to become part of an energy exchange involving a lighted match, a roomful
of high explosives, and the industrial pump lubricant employed as a hair dressing by new
Japanese Prime Minister Ryuichi Hashimoto. 

387. Force Barney to watch the new SNL, or any television program featuring Dana Carvey.

388. Incorporate Barney into a high-voltage test circuit to determine his resistivity.

389. "Undercover wired Barney" at major crack dealers’ convention.  Oops! Did we use a two-
way mike, set to loudly broadcast "dueling Banjos" as played by Roy Rogers and Buck Owens?

390. Pump Barney full of PCP, watch him tear out own stuffing.  

391. Get Barney a job as a middle manager at the US Postal Service.  Encourage him to be an
overriding, abusive bastard to that certain quiet, reserved mail carrier known to subscribe to a
large number of gun magazines.

392. Have Barney drink water from a fountain, which, unknown to him, is piped from the bottom
of the 7,000 foot-deep Marianas Trench.  Watch as the tremendous pressure it is under causes it
to punch through the back of his head like a nail gun through Saran wrap.  

393. Dispersal by agitation in a 10,000 rpm grinding mill.

394. Pour molten Barney from the parapets in an effort to discourage attacking Vikings.  
395. Convince Barney that Richard Ramirez (a.k.a. "Night Stalker") is actually a conscientious
young ophthalmologist who has developed a new method of retinal scanning using a darning
needle.

396. Convince Barney that the Secret Service loves practical jokes involving screaming,
incoherent tantrums in which one or more loaded assault rifles are brandished 
toward leading political figures.  

397. Tape Barney’s mouth shut, allow him to breath only through his nose from a tube connected
directly to the eye sockets of a tearful Tammy Fay Baker.  

398. Experiments on Barney skin elasticity involving explosive decompression. 

399. Encourage Barney to submit his new theory, "Jesus was a pickle-chugging Hanes grazer,
and I’ll kick his ass any day", to the Spanish Inquisition.  

400. Restore "Barney baiting" to its former glory as a spectator sport.

401. Determine Barney’s modulus of flexural compression at 3500°C.  

402. Send Barney out on a burger run.  In England.  

403. Dope Barney with impurities to form a p-n-p zone in his pancreas.

404. Force Barney to run through the streets of Tel-Aviv wearing sunglasses, combat fatigues,
and a large, ominous-looking satchel strapped to his chest.  

405. Secretly replace their regular brand with Barney Crystals.

406. Convince Frat Boy Barney that swallowing live scorpion fish is the hot new campus craze.  

407. Conduct exhaustive clinical trials to see if streptococcus, invasive variant Type A, also eats
the flesh of fatuous purple dinosaurs.

408. See how long Barney can stand having a rabid squirrel in his pants.  While under physical
restraint.  

409. Jokingly ask Barney if he "feels warm" when you train the sun’s rays on him through a
magnifying glass.  As the lens, use the mirror from the Hubble telescope.  

410. Invite Barney into your optical clinic for radial keratotomy using a powerful industrial dye
laser.  To do the actual procedure, hire a man named ‘Habib’ from the local 7-11.  In a
condescending, hectoring tone, tell ‘Habib’, "I’m in a hurry, and don’t want to pay a lot of
money here." 

411. Give Barney a gift certificate good for one anonymous sexual encounter at ‘Captain
Smegma’s Early-80’s Bathhouse’. 

412. Send a senile, abusive Barney to the Heinrich Himmler Old Age home, where they still
know the value of barbed wire Depends and sulfuric acid rubdowns.   

413. In a lecture about earthquakes, demonstrate the amounts of kinetic energy in play by giving
a graphic live presentation of how shock waves travel through solid rock, as opposed to through
Barney’s internal organs.  

414. Use Barney to plug oil wells set aflame by power-crazed Middle East dictators.

415. Finger a shipwrecked, helpless Barney to Long John Silver as the author of the
controversial new book, "Why Pirates Suck".  

416. Invite Barney to give a political speech to a large group of Russian protesters.  Before he
arrives, skillfully whip them into a frenzied mob by convincing them that Barney’s head is
actually full of delicious, high-quality vodka.  

417. Send Barney to Montana.  Ask him to tell any quiet, reclusive cabin-dweller he meets that
"assault rifles are for fags, or for scumbags who don’t worship my personal god, Technologica". 
418. Ship Barney to Norway for use as the test bed for a new type of electrified, explosive-tipped
harpoon.

419. Develop a new ASTM standard for the combustibility of heating oil, as measured in
"Barneys". 

420. By way of empirical study, attempt to discover whether Barney would make a better
cladding material for nuclear fuel rods than the conventional alloys.  

421. Inculcate Barney with idea that Chinese government officials love nothing more than zesty,
spirited monologues about freedom and democracy, preferably conducted in the vicinity of Red
Square while clog-dancing on a portrait of the late Chairman Mao.  

422.  Connect Barney to an oscilloscope to determine his waveform characteristics under varying
amounts of current.

423. New Asian aphrodisiac: ‘Powder of crushed Barney, fresh-collected as he screams in

agony’ 

424. At a mob gathering, convince Barney that highly-placed organized crime figures
traditionally slap each other in the face as a mark of friendship and respect.  

425. Convince Barney that it would be a good joke to pirouette into a Hell’s Angel bar wearing a
lacy frock and squealing, "I’m agent Friendly from the FBI, and I’m here to turn those gloomy
frowns upside down!"  

426. Hot lead enema.

427. Have Barney shake hands with Mr. Hydraulic Press.  

428. Cast him in place of Leslie from "Bridge to Terabithia" (Leslie died in the movie). 

429. Watch the part from the Pokemon episode "A Hurdle for Squirtle" when Combusken uses
Fire Spin and Sky Uppercut on May's bandanna to style the bandanna into the shape when May
wears it. Replace May's bandanna with Barney and watch Combusken burn and stab him to
death.

430. Make him jump off of the Sears tower and tell him there's a fun trampoline at the bottom.
There really isn't! 

431. Take him to juvy and tell him that the kids there are really nice.

432. Make him tell Mr. T he's a sissy. 

433. Send him to Black Hole. 

434. Give him Baby Bop's blankie, then Baby Bop will accuse him of stealing and kill him.
435. Make Barney listen to Justin Bieber (and vice versa).

436. Make him ice skate while a Zamboni is cleaning.

437. Lock him, Baby Bop, BJ, and Riff in the Altering Cave on Six Island. Then they will
become so hungry they will be forced to eat each other.

438. Make him teach the kids about suicide. He'll kill himself. 

439. Make Barney look at himself in the mirror.

440. Make him go to Jurassic Park and be with his own kind.

441. Combine your boogers, dandruff, fingernail dirt, earwax, bellybutton lint, and armpit sweat
into a stew, and then make him eat it.

442. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer. 

443. Target practice. 

444. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons. 

445. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord. 

446. Use him as a bungee cord. 

447. Let him help put out forest fires. 

448. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines. 

449. Fill the sandbox with quicksand. 

450. Give him drowning lessons. 

451. Send him down a wine press. 

452. Tail caught in elevator doors. 

453. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid.

454. Send him to a cannibal infested island.

455. Somehow turn Barney into a banana, then give him to Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour.

456. Lock him in a room with 10 honey badgers.

457. Tell Moukazaru that Barney called her a baboon.

458. Have Coach Z chop off his head.

459. Date with Lorena Bobbitt and Tonya Harding

460. Dr. Kevorkian approved suicide kit

461. Fed through an office paper shredder (This one requires the help of a part-time courier!)

462. Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck

463. Home lobotomy kit

464. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven

464. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad...3, 2, 1, ignition!

465. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during re-entry

466. Recreate the Challenger accident, with Barney playing substitute teacher

467. “I love you” song triggers avalanche

468. “Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train

469. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY

470. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature

471. Crushed between plates in a fault line

472. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like
McFries with that?)

473. Used as a crash test dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you ifyou
don’t wear your seatbelt

474. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study

475. Plummet into an active volcano

476. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer

477. Take him off Prozac

478. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson

479. Spontaneous combustion

480. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank

481. Massage with a stun gun

482. Diplomatic mission to the Ferengi

483. Paint him green & give him to Gallagher for his Sledge-o-matic

484. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge

485. Barney scrapple

486. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa

487. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate

488. Use Barney as new head of U.N. Weapons Inspection Team in Iraq!

489. Make a Barney Slinky today with one of those fancy potato spiral makers!

490. Sexual battery suit involving Baby Bop

491. Stick him in Jurassic Park for just five minutes….PLEASE!

492. Let him take a New York Subway at night

493. Tie him up, hanging from the ceiling. Give bats to little Mexican kids, and tell them he’s a
piñata Note: You can actually get piñatas that look like Barney at Toys R Us

494. Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into the side of a GMC truck

495. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway

496. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November

497. Make him the next astronaut to go to Space Station Mir

498. Toss him into a blast furnace

499. Let Saddam Hussein use Barney as human shield.

500. Tell Newt Gingrich that Barney’s on welfare and watch him go nuts

501. Tell Barney there’s a trampoline at the bottom of the Grand Canyon

502. Tell him that Baby Bop left him for Dudley the Dragon

503. Show him your “super-de-duper” Smith and Wesson

504. Pour honey on him in front of a bear

505. Throwing the purple one into an oversized bread slicer, with a fine mist of hydrofluoric acid
sprayed upon him.

506. Bury him up to his neck on the beach at low tide.

507. Bury him up to his neck in your yard, and run over him with the lawnmower!

508. Stuffing is flammable.

509. Ask him for help with your ABC's and when he skips along toward you, grab him and pour
turpentine down his throat.

510. Tell him blood repels sharks.

511. Tell Baby Bop's father he abuses her.

512. Tell the big fat kid he will "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.

513. Give him a yummy, delicious red apple, complete with razor.

514. Stick a chunk of plastic explosive to the back of his head, and watch him run around trying
in vain to grab it and pull it off.

515. Electric chair pre-execution tester.

516. See how much current you can send through him before he gets toasted.

517. Substitute the cameras on his show with anti-matter accelerators.

518. Squeeze him into a large blender, then push "GRIND." More satisfying than "LIQUEFY."

519. Drown him in a waste treatment plant.

520. Point Jason Voorhees at him, then get out of the way.

521. Make him drink the ink of 40,000 Marsh 88 markers.

522. Combine the dandruff, fingernail dirt, earwax, navel lint, and armpit sweat of millions into a
stew, then make him eat it.

523. Tell Michael Douglas that Barney swallowed the Hope Diamond. (visions of Romancing
the Stone).

524. Put him in the Columbian soccer team and tell him that he must score in *those* goals

525. Dress him up as a French nuclear physicist and put him on board GreenPeace's Rainbow
Warrior II.

526. Cast him as the stunt double for the T-Rex who breaks through the high HIGH voltage
fence in Jurassic Park (Who turned it up so much?).

527. Tell barney theres kids around the corner,and when he comes round hack into him with a
meachete!!!

528. Served as Thanksgiving dinner

529. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)

530. Barney becomes one with Oscar Meyer.

531. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the
Ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.

532. Diplomatic mission with Klingons

533. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.

534. Tied to Jar-Jar Binks for a Week

535. Nato air strike.

536. Live organ donor.

537. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.

538. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.

539. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.

540. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.

541. Purple Jonestown reagent.

542. Visit to the taxidermist.

543. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

544. Tell Newt Gingrich that Barney's on welfare and watch him go nuts.

This should provide you with one (1) cruel method to dispatch that hideous purple satan lover for
EACH and EVERY DAY of the coming year, including leap year.