Alvarez-

Roszyk_Javier_proposal_2020-
21
by JAVIER ALVAREZ-ROSZYK (1906130)

FILE ALVAREZ-ROSZYK_JAVIER_PROPOSAL_2020-21.DOCX (13.99K)

TIME SUBMITTED 21-MAY-2021 02:13PM (UTC+0100) WORD COUNT 2235
SUBMISSION ID 154158518 CHARACTER COUNT 12164
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Alvarez-Roszyk_Javier_proposal_2020-21
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

60
Instructor

There is a lot that you are doing effectively for your

proposal. You have set yourself an interesting

/0
assignment, and have discussed relevant critics,
along with appropriate critical terminology. You
also include relevant case studies and are
exploring an interesting topic.

However, you need to develop your scholarly skills

in order to succeed in this project. Some core
essay skills are absent in your work: 

- Provide evidence for your claims

- Don't paraphrase critics or mention them in

passing; always provide a direct quotation and
then your own analysis

- Your grammar is sometimes incorrect so please

take the time to develop this

Ultimately you have a good idea here, and if you

take the time to simply develop how you present
your argument you are clearly capable of achieving
a good mark. I would also recommend that you
think about your own answer to your research
question and make sure that you develop that
critical argument throughout your thesis. I would
also recommend thinking more deeply about the
questions you have set yourself in the literature
review. For example, can you really compare
bereavement and mortality with a video game in
any context? Or is your real argument that video
games vary in how they present death and some
are more effective than others? I would
recommend discussing this with your tutor.
PAGE 1

Comment 1
Good, interesting question

Comment 2
Did you mean to write 'there are a variety of topics'?

Comment 3
What does this mean in terms of positivity?

Comment 4
You are asking interesting research questions, but your writing is letting you down a bit.

Comment 5
How is mortality salience a good coping mechanism....

Comment 6
Good use of a relevant critical quotation and providing analysis afterwards

Comment 7
Are they? What evidence is there for this?

Comment 8
How? When? Show me the evidence.

Comment 9
Is this evidence of children becoming confused? Or an ironic remark within a game?

Comment 10
Isn't this Harrier's statement itself, rather than it's view?

PAGE 2

Comment 11
This is an excellent point you are making. A direct quotation would have had more impact.
 Comment 12
Great case study to mention

Comment 13
This paragraph is overlong and doesn't really support your proposal, instead it describes
action within a game.

Comment 14
Instead of generalised description, evidence would have been more supportive, e.g. a
picture or example within the game.

Comment 15
This is a big claim, albeit an interesting one.

Comment 16
Good example in this paragraph and providing analysis.

PAGE 3

Comment 17
This is slightly too casual for a research proposal. A definition would have been more
effective.

Comment 18
Good example provided.

Comment 19
Good examples provided here.

Comment 20
This is a big claim and needs more than paraphrasing and merely a note of the critic.

Comment 21
Show some evidence, e.g. reviews

Comment 22
Too casual for a scholarly essay.

Comment 23
Where is the quotation?
 Comment 24
I think you need to provide a definition here, perhaps an example.

Comment 25
Please stop mentioning critics without quotations.

Comment 26
Where? In what context? Need reference / quotation.

Comment 27
subjected

Comment 28
Big claim, needs evidence. Don't most players die in games and then continue playing?

PAGE 4

Comment 29
This is far too general and need evidence.

Comment 30
This is also too general and not really relevant to the research questions you have assigned
yourse.f

Comment 31
Your conclusory remarks are the least effective part of your proposal. Too general.

PAGE 5

PAGE 6

GRADING FORM: FGAR5003

JAVIER ALVAREZ-ROSZYK (1906130)

INDICATIVE MARK (0-100)

 Mark Range: 90-100: A++ 80-89: A+ 70-79: A 60-69: B 50-59: C 40-49: D
30-39: E 0-29: F

60

ASSESSMENT CRITERION 1

Critically respond to a range of key concepts and theoretical debates

relevant to video games in an essay format. (LO1)

Some analysis of death in well-chosen video game case studies has

been undertaken, although less generalisation and more detailed
quotations with the ideas covered in this paper's literature review
would have generated a more promising basis for the development
of a sustained and well-informed argument.

ASSESSMENT CRITERION 2

Demonstrate the ability to put in an appropriate theoretical context key

issues regarding video games. (LO2)

A range of appropriate scholarly sources have been explored in this

thesis' literature review, with a general level of understanding
evident. However, the (lack of ) appropriate referencing and
evidence-based argument undermines the strengths of this
proposal.

ASSESSMENT CRITERION 3

Undertake individual research and produce a coherent, relevant and

critical response to the essay assignment, in written form. (LO3)

N/A
ASSESSMENT CRITERION 4

Use academic and essay-writing conventions, develop a dissertation

proposal on an appropriate topic, in an appropriate form. (LO4)

Uses academic and essay-writing conventions, has developed a

dissertation proposal on an appropriate topic in an appropriate
form. Harvard referencing has been not correctly undertaken.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS

See feedback comments.

NAME(S) OF ASSESSOR(S)

Theadora Jean