NORM MACDONALD: HITLER’S DOG,

GOSSIP & TRICKERY

Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him,
that’s the worst part of it.”

All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right
now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat
at home, you know? Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet,
you know, and make it nice and hot on one side, then turn it over, make it hot on the other
side, and then cut into it and see how it’s going in the middle. And then you go, “Man, I’m
going to love eating this delicious pork chop.” As soon as it’s hot enough to eat, I’ll eat it.
But while I’m waiting, “I’m going to eat a big loaf of bread.” Who would do that? “With, like,
35 pats of butter, and I’ll eat that loaf of bread.” “And that will get my appetite sharpened
up…” “For the pork.”

I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would
come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go,
“I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things
were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The guy shows up and he’s got a big
tray at a canted angle, and every confection known to man is on it. He’s… And I don’t like
the way he talks, because he doesn’t talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more. All of a
sudden, for the dessert, he’s, like, all the sexual undertones. You know, the… I mean, he’s
all like, “Ah.” “Why are you saying ‘ah’ like that?” He’s like, “Ah.” “May I tempt you with
something?” “Tempt me?” “Do you like decadent things?” “Well, I don’t…” “I hope you left
some room in your belly.” “OK, listen.” “Are we still talking about desserts here? What
the… is going on?” “I don’t want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something.” “I
don’t want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen…” I can be tricked as much
as the next fellow, and… I don’t want to be in the bathroom. “Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!”
“Hold on here, maestro! I…” “I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or
something.” “I don’t care much for you, Captain, I’ll tell you that right now.” “I’ll continue,
I’m a man of my word, but I’ll say this.” “I’ll say this, Chief.” “Were my word not my bond,
then none of this…” “I’m doing it reluctantly. I don’t know if you noticed that, but…”

Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and…
twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln,
when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like,
his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s like, “Why don’t you shut the fuck
up?” “Last I checked, I was the orator in the family and you were the fucking insane lady.”
“When I say fourscore and seven, believe me… ‘score’ is going to catch on big time.”
But… it never did. Here’s another little presidential thing. You know there’s a story
about George Washington, and they say, “Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,” when he
was a little child. When his parents came home they said, “Who chopped down the cherry
tree?” and Little George said, “It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.” I cannot tell a
lie.” And you go, “Wow! What a great story.” But then you think about it a little bit, right?
Imagine if you drove home to your house, right? And you get there and go, “Hey, what the
fuck happened to the cherry tree?” “Did somebody chop it down or something?” And then
you go inside, and there’s your child… with an axe. So you go, “What happened to the
cherry tree?” and then he goes, “I chopped down the cherry tree.” “I cannot tell a lie.” And
then you go, “OK.” “The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot.” “The second part
scares the fuck out of me. You…” “You can’t tell a lie?” “You’re incapable of lying?” That
would… That would scare me.

Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my
problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I…
Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and
whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good… Like, when I go to parties, I don’t
want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I’m good at
it. I can… Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar – they can see other gay
people? I’m like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the
corner and go, “I can keep up with that motherfucker right there.” And then I make a
beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours…
And everything’s fine. Sometimes people go, “Why do you even go to these parties if you
don’t like, you know, talking?”
Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I
love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut
the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And
it has, like, golden cellophane… And red cellophane. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers. And
you can only get them at parties. Like… I have gone to restaurants and I go, “You got any
of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?” And they go, “No, all our sandwiches
are shaped like sandwiches.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” And then… I go to, like, a grocery store. I
go, “Yes, where is… What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?” They go, “We
don’t got none.” “Have you tried a party?” I go, “I’m trying not to…” “Go to those things.”

But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them.
Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about
the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I
was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of
you can do it,” and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could
pass, “and then you get a flashback.” So I thought, “Well, that sounds like a good deal,”
you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, “Frank…” is there a drug on the market
where I pay you $5… I take the drug, I get high, “and then, 20 years later, I get high
again?” He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who’s good at stretching his drug
dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk… that it’s not… it’s
not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years
have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still… no flash…
What a gyp that turned out to be. I… Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you
ask me. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get too political, but… If you think big acid… cares
about you, the little guy… They care about their third-quarter profits. That’s what they care
about.

You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly
realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism.
She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of
the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork.” So… Of course, she’s right…
and I’m wrong. And it’s weird when you realize you have been wrong about everything that
you ever believed – about vegetarianism, not everything. Imagine if you woke up and you
realized you were wrong about everything. You just woke up and you go, “Goddamn. I
have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed.” Then it’s time to go down
to the rope store in my opinion, because… It’s not going to get better, you know? Go to the
rope store – that’s my suggestion to you… and get a hunk of rope about this big… and
then go to the rickety-stool store. And, listen, it’s no coincidence that the rope store and
the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other, right? I don’t want to get political
or anything like that, but… When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You
know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why,” and I
go, “You don’t?” “What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the
fuck?” “You don’t know about life?” “How it only disappoints and… gets worse and worse,
until it ends in a catastrophe?” “What the fuck?”

There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to
escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason
we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s
called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’s a filthy thing. And this is my
problem with it. The risk-reward… Is not good. And I know of the reward because I read
about it. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that, you increase your
orgasm until it’s one-and-a-half times as powerful as the one you had the Thursday before
last. Is that really that important? I mean, we have a lot of things in this country. You know,
it’s raining in the forest. There’s all kinds of shit we have to think about… let alone
whacking off. That’s our big problem? But the risk – good Lord! People always wonder,
“What happens after you die?” No one knows, you know? People pretend to know, but no
one knows what happens after you die. But I know what happens to you right after you die.
I know what happens directly after you die. You are found. And this is where it gets tricky.
And it’s always by a loved one. You know? And you don’t want your son walking in, going,
“Ah! What the fuck?” “What the fuck is Dad… What kind… Huh?” And that’s how you’ll be
remembered forever, you know? It doesn’t matter what else you accomplish in life. See,
people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be
remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and
that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you
as, “I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,” and, by God, he
stood in line to get Mickey Mouse’s autograph. It took him two hours. “It was for me. He
knew it wasn’t the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have.” “It was an unemployed college
kid.” “And yet he stayed – stayed for me.” “Dad.” “He had two jobs.” You know, to put food
on my plate, “and my brother’s and my mom’s.” “Two jobs.” And I remember one time – I’ll
never forget it – he came home late at night and I was in bed. I was pretending to be
asleep, but I wasn’t. And he came in, and he was very quiet, and he came up to me, and
he kissed me on that area between my uh… my um… forehead and the bridge of my
nose. He kissed me right there, and he said – quietly, so as not to wake me – ‘I love you,
son, ‘ and then he left. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast
table, but he was already out, he was driving hack. “That was his second job.” “But, my
God, my dad…” Anyways, they don’t remember that at all. All they remember is… “Ah!”
You know? Because… Unfortunately, that’s the way human beings are.

I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t
predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms”
that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree
was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not know when.” This is what I would do
if it ever happened to me. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide, because
then, when I was found, my son wouldn’t go, “Ah!” he would go, “Oh! Oh, mysterious.”
“Dad’s a mysterious guy.” “This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now.” So I
would pretend, you know, that it was a… it was a real suicide. Like, I would write a note –
a suicide note. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a
suicide note and just blamed some random guy? Do you think that would be… Do you
know what I mean? You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know? You go,
“It was all Ralph Abernathy’s fault!” Because you know the police would be compelled to
go to Abernathy’s barber shop… and go, “Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm
Macdonald?” The guy goes, “Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim.”
“Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you.” “He wrote it here in this letter.
Would you like to keep the…?” Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his
life walking down… Life’s hard enough without having to walk… That’s not a good practical
joke. I should never have… framed that as a good practical joke, because it’s probably the
worst practical joke… You know? It’s the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the
devil for all of time.

I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do
airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it
occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”…
is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” is doing most of the… legwork on that
one. But Vegas was cool. They have a motto in Vegas. They got their own slogan for the
city. It says: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Which is not true. You know, you
can’t kill a guy and then just leave, you know? They’ll follow you, they’ll find you, they’ll
bring you back, and they’ll try you in front of a jury of your peers. So I thought, well, what
does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights.
Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so
simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays
in Vegas,” all it really means is you can go to Vegas, you can have sex with a prostitute…
And she will not tell your wife. They’re very discreet, the Las Vegas prostitutes. You know?
Not like these gossipy, small-town whores back where you live, you know? These fucking
blabbermouths. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head,
whatever the fuck that is. “Oh, you’re Marge Majerson?” You’re Neil’s wife? “Well, by God!”
“I took a shit on him last night…” “In exchange for cash.” “Nice fella.”

My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones
were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take
pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago –
you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I remember I tried. “OK, just hold on
there. Just…” People go, “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry, it’s…” I was kind of ahead of
my time, but they thought… No, you had to use a camera, and then you would put film in
the camera, and then you would go to a Fotomat. It was wonderful. And you would give it
to this old man, and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know? And then you
go, “When am I going to see them pictures?” He goes, “I don’t know.” And then you go…
“I’ll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?” And then, one day, you got the
news your pictures were ready. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed
up, and you got that envelope. It was wonderful. And you opened that seal, you know, and
then there were the pictures – a whole handful. Like, you would go, “Hey, look at this.” It’s
a picture of Aunt Ida, “but her eyes are red like the devil.” “Maybe Aunt Ida’s the devil.”
“Hey, look at this!” It’s a picture of my dog, “but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would
look like a person.” “It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit.” “Hey, look, it’s a picture of
you!” But look at your jacket and your hair! “Ha!” “Look at the way you used to… Ha!”
“Remember that hair?” So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have
any resonance. Nowadays, you go, “Hey, would you like to see a picture of you standing
right where you are one second ago?” “I got one here.” “Your hair is identical.” “I guess it
would be, huh?” In the real old days, they would take pictures like… At my house I have a
picture of my great-grandfather, and I only have one, you know? Back then, they only had
one picture of everybody, because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all
that shit. And it was just my… Nobody was happy… because it took so long to get your
picture taken. So it’s just my great-grandfather like… “How long is this going to take, sir?”
“Who’s going to feed them hogs?” “It damn sure ain’t going to be Marjorie, I’ll tell you that.”

Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used
that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal
now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would
talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all different… because I have
got my magic phone in my pocket. So a guy will say to me – he’ll go, “Hey, Norm”, you
ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?” And I go, “Why, of course I
have.” I got to go to the bathroom.” And then I go to the bathroom, and I’m in there 20-25
minutes, and I come back. I go, “Hey, listen, I was just uh…” We were talking about
Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say “that, you know, what I liked about him was his
paintings.” “I like the way he painted.” He was a painter, “and I loved how he used the
paint to make paintings.” And then the guy goes, “Goddamn, Norm!” “I’ve never been able
to stump you in two years.”

But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I
was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know?
And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was
wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, have actually walked on the
moon. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out. Only 14 – 13 or 14 – in the
entire history of the world. You would think that would make you very, very famous. But no.
The last guy who walked… Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be
on the moon. His name was Harrison Schmitt. Now, whoever heard of him? Meanwhile, he
goes all the way to the moon, hangs around there for a while and comes back. He’s not
famous, but a girl with a giant ass is famous. Now, when I was young, a man who went to
the moon was famous, and a lady with a giant ass, you would go, “Can you stand over
there? Because this is…” Harrison Schmitt. So how many people that went to the moon do
we even know? There was… We know the first ones. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz
Aldrin. They went in Apollo 11 – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. And even the third is hard to
remember. His name is Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, in one of the… just most
unfair jokes – I don’t know what it was – he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on
the moon. All the way to the moon, and then, that little rope ladder, he wasn’t allowed to go
down. He had to stay in the lunar capsule… while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on
the moon. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going… “Are those motherfuckers
golfing?!” “Good God! They’re golfing!” “Wait a minute, they… they have got a dune buggy
now!” “I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies. This is…” “I
have to keep up a good face, I guess.” And then Buzz and Neil, I’m sure they were nice
guys, they didn’t want to hurt Michael Collins, you know? So they probably went back, you
know, to the lunar capsule, you know, and Michael Collins was like, “What do you think,
guys? What was the moon like?” And they were like, “Ah.” “It was all right if you like that
kind of thing, I guess.” “I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I…” “I can’t speak for Buzz,
but…” “I really do like the lunar capsule.” Because that’s what you do. You know, most of
your life is mundane.
I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write
about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest
comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know?
A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, what is my life?” So I started thinking
about it, right? So I said, “OK, I wake up in the morning”, and I eat some Count Chocula.”
And then I watch Sports Center while I’m digesting my Count Chocula, and I phone my
friend Fat Freddie. And I go, “Hey.” You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something
around three o’clock? I… I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest, “but how does that
settle with you?” He goes, “Yeah, great,” so I get together with him. And on my way, I get
some groceries to bring home for later, and uh… and then, of course, there’s dinner, you
know? So most of my life is finding and consuming food. So it doesn’t make for a riveting
read. It’s incredibly repetitious. When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a
big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever
heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was
like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “but you can’t
make it drink.’” I’m like, “What the fuck does that mean?” So he was like, “That means you
can take a person, you know,” and you can give them all the information and everything,
“but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself.” So I was like, “Well, why the fuck didn’t
you just say that? Like, what…” “Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what…”
“You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what…” “A
horse?” “Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,” but then the literal part is not true.
They will go, like, ‘That which does not kill you makes you stronger, ‘ right? Now,
metaphorically, that’s true, like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know, or life deals
you a bad hand. And then the next time you’re prepared for it “and uh… and it doesn’t hurt
you as much.” “But, literally, it’s not true at all.” Literally it’s, ‘That which does not kill you
makes you weaker… “And will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'” That’s why I
like – personally – I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true.
Like… They say, like, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I think that’s beautiful, because it is. Like,
you know, really, what makes a person attractive is what’s inside – their friendship, their
conviviality, their goodwill, not this uh… optic trick, you know? And so it has that, but also,
literally it’s true, because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know? You
could have, like, this chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know? Large
shoulders and narrow waist. Are you guys horny? Is it just me, or…? Giant quads, a
perfect body. Six percent body fat, you know? But you take that same guy and you skin
him. All of a sudden… he is not so easy on the eye.

I’m getting old, you know? I asked my doctor… This is interesting, because I wondered…
You know, I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and
neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause
of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor
fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You go, “Hey, Doc, I can’t help but
noticing my father is dead uh…” “And I remember yesterday you said it was a simple
operation.” And he was like, “Yeah, we thought it was.” “Looked simple in the book, I’ll tell
you that.” “But uh… you cut open a man, by God, it’s…” “All this red stringy stuff and
everything.” “Are you a doctor?” “No.” “Ah, you wouldn’t have heard. Way too complicated
for you.” But you worry when you get old, you know? You get concerned, scared. I
remember my grandmother, you know, she was like… I think she was like 85 at the time or
something, and I looked at her – she was sitting in her chair – and I said, “Hey, Grandma.”
She had a bruise, right? And it went from her… from her wrist, all the way up her arm, right
to her shoulder. A big bruise – purple, green and yellow. A third of each. And I said… I
said, “Grandma, where did you get that bruise?” and then my grandmother said, “The
wind.” I said, “The wind?” And she said, “Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze
yesterday?” I was like, “Yeah, I remember.”

My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine

people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My
folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed
any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I was a student for years and
years. And never once did I go, “Hey, Barney, man,” I was just looking at old man
Abernathy, you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard, where he
put the chalk earlier… “and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn’t he?” “No? Me
neither. I didn’t think that, either. I just heard that somewhere.” And it’s not that hard a job
when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, it’s a pretty good… If you have a job
where you go to work – like Grade 3 – you go to work, and you’re 50 times bigger than
everybody else that you work with… That’s a pretty good job. Plus, they do all the work.
You do nothing. That’s… How about the students? How about giving some of them the
“heroism”? You know, the… five-year-olds that are working for free. What do you need,
really, to be a teacher, anyway? What’s the, you know, qualifications? Let’s say you’re
teaching the Third grade. What… What do you need? A Fourth-grade education. Really,
anything above that… You’re overqualified, really, you know?

I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to
go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest
days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s
house, and I would have a stick, and that would be the whole day. I would go, “Shawn, I’ve
got a stick!” He would go, “Goddamn! We’ll go play.” It was so much fun. And then, one
day, suddenly I’m in school. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears
and… I’m like, “What the fuck?” There were these windows that made it even… You would
look out the window and sometimes you would see the stick, you know? And you would
go, “Goddamn!” Do these people’s cruelty know no offense?” Nowadays, you know, they
have the ADD and stuff like that. For kids in class who are like, “Hey, I would like to go
out!” they go, “We’re going to drug you.” “Then you won’t want to get out… and run around
in the grass and have fun with the stick.” “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good.” But, anyways, I’m
old now, you know? I was young. Now I am old. Yeah. I learned some things in school.

Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they
go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me
that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you
ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?!” “North Korea!” That little, tiny
country, way the fuck over somewhere. “I’m scared, honey. I’m scared.” I’ll tell you, Iraq
doesn’t scare me, North Korea – none of those countries scare me. There’s only one
country, really, that scares me in the whole country. Or in the whole… What do you call
that’s bigger than a country but less than a galaxy? Earth. The entire earth, there’s only
one country that frightens me – that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are
students of history or not, but… For those of you who aren’t, Germany, in the previous
century – in the early part… they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to
war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would
fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then… I don’t know how
that worked, but… Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And,
once again, they choose as their foe… the world! And now… this time, they really almost
win. So at this point you would think the world would go, “Germany, you’re fucking not a
country any more, all right?” “What the fuck?” “You’re not a country because you keep
going to war with the world,” and… no one does… “What do you think you are, Mars?” “Do
you think you’re Mars or something?”

But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those
commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was
watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc
de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or coincidence, they went to a
commercial, and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man, but
as he is today, like an old man. So he’s jumping over… And it was for the bionic ear. And it
wasn’t the real bionic ear from the show, it was a fucking hearing aid. So you see him
jumping over the Arc de Triomphe, and then it cuts, and he’s in a studio, like, “I can’t hear
too good out of…” “This one’s no good at all. This one’s all right.” “This one may as well
not even be an ear.” And you go, “Goddamn.” You can’t help but feel sorry for a man like
that. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know? And
he probably had all kinds of hope, you know? He answers, “Hey, Jerome! My God! I
haven’t heard from you in 30 years.” “You’ve got something for me? Well, let me guess.” I
bet I know what it is. It’s that movie I wrote: The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man…
starring Ben Stiller. “And then I show up as a judge for two minutes.” “Is that the one?”
“No? What is it, then?” “It’s a… No, not out of this one. No.” “Well, what…” “What is that?”
“That’s a hearing aid?” “Well… how much does something like that pay a fellow?” “It’s
funny you say that, Jerome,” because when you say it, I realize that that’s only one tenth
of what I used to get from a single episode of… “No, I’ll keep… I won’t… Sorry.” “Um…
When do they have to know by?” “Oh, within the hour, huh?” “Well uh…” I guess, then, I
would say um… “Yes, I’ll take that.” “Jerome, I have to ask you this.” Is there any way in
the contract that you can put in that um… “I’m sad?”

What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know?
There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes,
of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I
could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’s always been valuable?” “Yes, I know
everything you’re telling me.” “Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid. I know all
about how gold is valuable.” There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s
called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and
he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably
never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and your
loved one,” you get together a grubstake – you know, a little bit of money – and, by God,
you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know? And then, every month, you pay
what’s called a mortgage, you know? Which is some money to the bank. And then 20
years pass, or 30, and you have a big party with your friends. All your kith and kin come,
and you burn the mortgage, and, by God, “you own a piece of the American dream.”
“Anyway, this is the complete opposite.” “So uh…” we would be glad to send you some
brochures. “It’s uh…” “It’s a picture of you with no shelter.”

You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort
of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of
the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m
saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’s pretty easy to obey that, you know? But then
there’s other ones that are really hard to obey, like there’s one that says, “Thou shalt not
covet thy neighbor’s ox.” Now… I have this old scraggly fucking ox. I bought him used –
that was my first mistake. And uh… the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me about all the
fucking diseases this thing has. So he fucking wanders around. He can’t pull anything. And
he has a big thing around his neck, like a bell, and that causes him… neck problems, so I
have to take that off. And then… Then I walk past my neighbor’s house, and I look in his
garage, and here stands the most beautiful… like, blue-grey… Belgian ox… that I’ve ever
laid eyes upon. And he’s brushing his lustrous… And I’m not supposed to covet it? I…
“Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie,
but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do
know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not
lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you like? You can tell the truth, word for word,
absolutely true, but when you do it… You use a sarcastic accent. So I’ll give you an
example. Your wife goes, “Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.” You’re…
You’re not attracted to my sister, are you?” And then you go, “Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you,
I’m attracted to your sister.” She’s like, “All right, Henry. Never mind.” You go, “No. Why?
It’s true. I want to fuck her. I…” “Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister,
right?” She’s like, “No, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “No! Why wouldn’t you bring it up? I
mean, you’re the victim in this whole thing.” “I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,” I am
going to seduce “every member of my wife’s family.” “Regardless of gender, I’m going to
fuck all of them.” “Then, afterwards,” I’m going to invite them over to the house “and set it
on fire, killing them all.” “And then I’m going to move on to the next town, where I do it
again.” It’s like, “All right, Henry. We don’t need to hear it.” “You don’t have to be like this.”
“Why? Why?” “You’re the good person in this scenario.” “I’m the guy that goes from town
to town…” fucking and murdering entire families… “And leaving conflagrations of ashes
that used to be human beings.” “I’m the most savage” and prolific serial killer that ever
was… and I’ve just never been found out yet, “that’s all.” “Just go to sleep.” “Yeah, I’ll go to
sleep, or maybe I’ll buy kerosene all night.” So, that’s just an example. You don’t have to
do that one. I’m just… I’m just saying, that’s all.

But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t
want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh…
science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went,
“Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest.” “It turned out that’s
where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit.” “It’s what started that snake flu that nearly
took everybody out.” Nobody knows nothing. But, you know, you’re supposed to crunch up
cans, and I think it’s a good thing, you know? You’ve got the orange and then the green,
there’s blue. You crunch the cans, and then you put that… And you should do that. I’m not
doing it, but you guys… Should do it, because it’s important, you know? It’s always
supposed to be for the people from the future. That’s how they try to trick you, you know?
They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was
a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am!” They were like, “Now it’s the other kids.” I
go, “You fucker.” “I had a feeling there was something here.” “I know a Ponzi scheme
when I see one.” “And now it’s the other children.” [cheering and applause].

Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of
substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know…
uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician,
you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it’s something that we all
know. Everybody knows it, but it’s harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is
that… we all must love each other. And it’s very difficult, you know? It’s very, very hard.
Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog
loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No
judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me
sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s like, “I love you!” He jumps
up. He’s licking my face. “I love you more than anything! You’re the greatest!” I go,
“Thanks. You’re cool, too. I love you.” “I love you more than anything!” “I love you, too.”
“Remember yesterday when you threw that bone and it turned out to be a rubber bone?”
“Yeah, it was a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I wasn’t! I wasn’t! I was laughing.
It was funny.” “Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.” This is the greatest thing. “I’m
just going to kiss you and kiss you forever.” I go, “Yes, you can do that.” “I’m just going to
keep kissing you.” Then I go, “OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?!” “Just leave me
alone, would you?” “I’ve got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.” I’ve got no time for
this… “fucking dog stuff.” Then my dog goes, “You’re right.” “I find… You know, I love you,
but I… I just push too hard.” “I push and I push and I push, and I push you away.” “I’m no
good.” “I’m no damn good.” “But what say…” what say I just stood here and stared at
you… Completely quietly… until, finally, you looked at me again… with some look of love,
“and then I jump up and love you again?” And you go, “Yes, that would be fine.” “Do that.”
They don’t judge, dogs. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know?
There’s no such thing as unconditional love with human beings. But dogs, they don’t care.
They love…

Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like
him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more
than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And
Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not here. He’s doing some evil stuff.” “I’ve explained
to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can’t see him that often.” He goes,
“OK. Yeah, I know.” I’m not trying to… Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love
Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. “But it’s just Hitler is the greatest
man who’s ever lived.” This is why we ask that you don’t use recording devices. Just… I
don’t want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. “Did you say Hitler was
the greatest?” And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, “No, it was a dog.” That
wouldn’t work. I would be fucked. But… I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to end a special
talking about Hitler. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do – end a special… I’m going to call
my special Hitler’s Dog.