Forgotten Love of Yesterday

By
Jayita Bhattacharjee ( M.S., M.A.)

Copyright 2018, All rights reserved.

1
2
Preface
This book sheds a light on the creative beauty of what is left after the loss of a
loved one, how those feelings left behind are weaved into a piece of art. What we
think is lost, what we think is hidden in the cave, lying there unheard and unseen,
can be seen, heard and revealed in the light of glory. If only we know how to let
those moments, those times speak to us in eternity.
So, we can portray them in the loneliness of times, and not wander around as a
restless frustrated soul. This creativity portrays both, our souls and those bygone
times. We are in love with love, always in search of the mysterious beauty of life.
While we may never understand the enigmatic beauty in its entirety, we may at
least reach out to the beauty in the act of doing it.
For the times we lose ourselves in those devastating losses of life, we can engage
our hearts in listening to the whispers of the past and weave those moments in a
beautiful creation of life. So we can read the words of that past, or peep into the
breathtaking moments that once sang into our hearts. In stead of losing ourselves
in those striking losses, we can write those times, so those thoughts, the words,
can live in the light of infinity. There comes a time, when the loss of a loved one,
or the ending of a relationship may feel like—life is seeing its last breath. But it
never has to be that way.
So, the very art you create out of it, makes you feel alive, and that can be your
identity in the face of a most devastating loss. You do not have to stare at grief,
and wonder why, how—it all happened. You do not have to face a thousand
unanswered questions. You can still breathe in the beauty of life. Life is still
waiting out there for you. And yes, we never get to meet life in our terms, rather
we meet life in its terms. Yet, the undeniable truth is –we never stop falling in
love with life.
Who said, it would be easy? It is never easy to meet the unknown, not knowing
what it holds for us. But there are always beautiful photographs that can be
captured in the beauty of a living creation, that speaks of ancient times, so we do
not have to run alone in the rolling of times. We know, deep down, we have
those who once came to our lives. Their imprints never really died on the sands.
Such is the mystery that unfolds in the process of creation.

3
The loved ones, the relationships that once brought a meaning to our lives, are
too beautiful to be forgotten, too priceless to be left in a sleeping dark. Rather,
they can be brought out in the light of a living, breathing beauty. Those times
danced their way into our hearts, at some point. It is time, we weave those into
an art, so this living art dances its way into this universe. We don’t dream of this
art, we don’t portray those moments, until we lose a piece of us, and in the face
of that loss, do we realize the beauty of creation, how it makes us rise again when
a heart seems to give its last cry.
From a loss or the ending of a relationship, we can make it a dance of hearts again
in the rolling of times. It fills your void, heals your emptiness within, as every time
you meet the times of your past, the stars seem to sing in delight. Sky lights up
and life seems to be a constellation of joy. Who said, those times have died away?
Nothing ever really goes away, for a song that once made its way, never really
loses the music. The times that seem to be frozen with loss, once again beat with
love in the singing of a long-lost song.
And when those times come back, the world stops for a while, in the fragrance of
those lost moments, in the scent of those loved ones, in the smell of those
relationships. We begin to read the past again as their fragrance catches our
hearts. But from every loss, is carved a beauty that inspires us to keep moving
with the dance of waves. We may not know, what lies ahead, fall or rise, yet move
we must in the flowing of waters, clasping the piece of beauty of in our hearts.
The real gem lies at the unfathomable deeps of the sea. That’s where the mystery
unfolds. That’s where the treasures lie buried deeply inside.
That beauty which you weaved as an art of the past, takes your breath away. It
steals something from you. It steals your breath. But never will you see something
so beautiful arising from something so broken. Not in your whole life. Those times
bring back a galaxy of the past. Many stars connected to each other in the light of
love, many moments lining with each other in the light of eternity. Those are the
stretching of the invisible hands of your past, rising in the air of love. And before
even you know it, they touch your heart, embrace your soul, lighting you from
inside to rise and live again, in the music of life.

-----Jayita Bhattacharjee, (M.S., M.A.)

4
Contents
1) The Defining Loss
2) The Whispering of a Timeless Romance
3) The Abrupt Turn
4) Life Through the Eyes of Grief
5) Stages of Grief
6) Pausing with Grief
7) The Healing Power of Grief
8) Life Beyond Grief
9) How to Love in a Breath of Eternity
10) Sanctuary of Relationships

5
This book sheds a light on the many losses that we face in our
lives, the loss of a loved one or the ending of a relationship.
Many times, we break down in the worst possible manner to
see a loss as the ending of life. During the long slog of grief, do
we see again the truth. To have and to hold the loved ones, is
to have the love of a lifetime. And the loss leaves us out of
shape, in the most pronounced manner.
However, from every ending, emerges a light of another
beginning. You learn how to turn a devastating loss into a light
of rising, in your life again. When things end, how do you live
through the ending of yours. You will come out of the fog one
day, as you will move from haziness to clarity, in the rising light
of your soul.
It blazes a path to help you through the process of loss,
solitude, discovery and healing—beginning from where you are
and ending to where you want to be. The wisdom of growth
comes with a pain that is imposed upon us by this life itself. But
whether we want to resist, or flow is decided by us. We can
either lose ourselves, or we can be the running brook again.
6
Chapter 1—
The Defining Loss
The loss that glistens as waters in the eyes, those which gather
and fall, each one commemorating something that is lost—
Hope, Faith, Joy, Beauty. Years may be gone, and you will still
find yourself reaching for them, to feel them in your arms.
Gone—says the World, Gone—says the Life—But, Are they
really gone? The brutal loss that stares at your face with its last
laugh. The defining loss becomes the defining turning point in
your life.
How you choose to reshape yourself, becomes your first battle,
a battle between you and your loss. As voices rise from the
grave, you are flooded with the recollections of the past, and
there you are gasping and breathing. It becomes a fight for your
breath.

7
The Loss that stares ….
The loss that has come to engulf you, the loss that has come to absorb you, in the
worst way possible. With this spreading loss in our hearts, what dies is-- what was
living inside us, what was breathing in life, in hope—in the blink of an eye, all is
gone. A staring emptiness that you feel in your mouth that runs you dry. And
somehow, you find those welling tears in your heart to travel to your eyes, and
you give out a long, aching cry. And the world echoes with the sound of your loss.
Have you heard that empty laughter, that comes now and again out of your
staring loss? It is never the weight you carry, but how you carry it--the heaviness,
the unspoken words—It’s all in the way you carry it. How you live and linger in the
memories—to which there is no reply? Tears sting your eyes, as life pushes you
down to your knees, and the pain of an insane loss would hit you out of nowhere,
racking your helpless body with soundless sobs.
How easy it was to lose someone, you had always thought you would have
forever? You weep for the past which can never return. Love remains, its place
remains. The recollections are still left—only the person is gone. Every moment,
everything that you see and do, and touch is weighted by your loss. When love
dies, the ashes do not live on the wind—they rest on the graveyard of the soul,
darkening this life, we once thought beautiful. When goodbye seems to be very
long and finally, you accept it in your heart-- there will never come a time, when
you can truly say goodbye to the ones whom you once held in your arms, whom
you once rolled with, in the moments of everyday life.

8
 The day John, you left me to be with the
angels in heaven, that day came as the most
defining loss in my life. Who knew, life had
stored this saddest surprise for me? All
these years, when I had struggled, day in
and day out, to bring you out of the worst
battles of your life, and just when, I thought,
I was seeing the light of hope, right then, at
that very moment, life threw, its most
unforgiving times at me.
Who knew, the worst would come, in this
brutal way? But then, whoever knows life,
anyway? God, how will I ever chase away
this most defining loss of my life—that’s a
question, that haunts me every night, when
the darkness seems to descend on the night
sky. The brooding darkness, that stares at
me, in such an unkind way.
Light, will you ever filter again through the
leaves of my heart, or am I going to live the
rest of my life, searching for you? A voice
whispered--Grief does not change you Jay, it
only reveals you, with the rolling of time.
The happiness of remembering had been taken away from me, because there was
no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing the memory itself. John,
where you used to be in my life, there is a hole now, a hole invisible to the world
out there. But deep down, this is the void that I carry inside. I carry it with me, I
carry it within me.
Life, how could you be so unkind? Its so much darker when the light went out
than it would have been if it would have never really glowed in the first place.
John, I didn’t lose you at once, I lost you piece by piece, every time I run into your
toys, every time I smell the scent of your clothes. There is the memory, I wanted

9
 I wanted to run away from, all this
while, knowing what if, someday it
comes back all, to break me down in the
memories of yesterday, what if it chases
me to the wall, and I find no escape?
Gradually, I collect the broken pieces of
myself, and try so desperately, to fit
them together. Did they fit in a piece, or
am I looking like a broken mirror? This is
the feeling that I walk with, as I
gradually stroll on the pebbled shores
of my life. How do you live with it, killing
you inside and still wear the most
beautiful smile?
Yes, I faced the inevitable. But the risk of
never having to spend those years with
you, was far greater than this loss, that
catches my throat. But, I will let not this
sadness engulf me, for all the beauty
that remains. At the temple of our
yesterday’s memories, there is a poem
carved in the stones of grief. The poem
is etched in loss. But the strange thing
about loss, is that, you can never read it,
you can only feel it. But looking back, I think, we all carry the pieces of what we
remember, we carry the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as, there is
love and memory, there is no loss, there can never be any loss, in the true sense
of the word.
Your absence has gone through me, like some coarse thread through a needle.
The pain has seared me, over and over again. The pain, where listening to this
story, becomes so silent, and in the falling waters of my eyes, I sit down to
understand this most defining loss of a mother’s life. And I dip the ink of my pain
into the light of my thoughts, so it can flow on this paper, into something

10
 beautiful, that can breathe alive. Its
beauty feels so fresh--this is the lavender
of my crushed love, love of a mother for
her son.
And now, every line I write, is painted
with so many colors of my heart. As the
grief that knows not, how to speak,
breaks us inside into a thousand pieces,
from a searing pain. The heaviness of my
heart may seem to ease, as I can seem to
give words to my grief, that rains through
the leaves of my heart. And, as it seems
to fall in this silence, every word, every
page, every chapter gets so very
portrayed with so many falling colors of
my soul.
I never really knew, the last time I was
seeing you John, the last time I was
holding you in my arms, the last time we
were cuddling together. Who really
knows, which moment will be the very
last? It is something, that we leave to
God. Some birds chirped, some leaves
fell, someone out there gave his last cry, and all I know, was someone breathed
his last. And that was the end of everything. There it was the reality, staring back
at my face.
You never really know what you have, till you lose it. It never gets easier, it only
gets different. It never gets smoother, it only gets winding, more meandering. It
just finds a way to flow. And when some pebbles stand in the way, it meanders
somewhat. As, flow it must. So, the brook runs. No worries anywhere. The world
is still spinning. The birds are still chirping. The morning breeze still smells of a
beauty. It is just a different beauty, now. Flowers are still blooming, just that one
flower got plucked and sent back to heaven.

11
 The scent of rain, the smell of flowers
seems to be somewhat different now.
The laughter of someone, his gurgling, his
wild rushing to my arms—I will never get
to hold that wild boy again. Life, is this
the surprise that you had in store for me?
Gone--he is gone---he is never coming
back--the house is still there, but it will
never have his footsteps anymore. The
walls will never echo his laughter
anymore. The most defining loss of my
life, it can either shape me into someone
better, or it can make me sink in a sea of
pain.
The grief felt so cutting, so much so that I
reached my hands out to my soul,
beneath the disguise of my beautiful
smile. This reaching was to dam the
deluge of all the unbearable emotions.
So, it can ease the pressure inside me,
and put on a smile on my trembling lips.
This is the loss, that makes me question
everything, makes me look around in
wonder and doubt, to think, Am I safe?
Do the clouds move again, to show the light? Somewhere, deep down, I felt, my
throat was catching, my feet got stuck on the sands. I wanted to move, if only the
grief did not cut through, if only the rain would stop falling.
Looking above, I saw a descending darkness on the sky. Looking around, I saw an
unending sadness. Looking beneath, I felt my feet trembling. Alex, that was when
you came-- just when, I was about to give up and go on living a life, with some
broken pieces of yesterday, and wearing a beautiful smile, in front of this whole
world. Did you whisper something to my heart, Alex? Was that a whisper of
eternity? Was that a light of love? Was there still something to live for?

12
 I whispered to myself--Tell me Alex, I am
not dreaming. That, it is real, all of it,
every bit of it.
Your whisper that breathed into mine--
"Our meeting has a purpose”. And it is up
to God, to unfold the reason, as to why
we met, in the first place. Somewhere,
amidst the sea of pain, I saw a hand
trying to pull me out of the drowning
waters. And out came a heavenly
whisper, from your heart to mine--"Give
us a chance. Let us get to know each
other, so someday, we can altar, as
husband and wife.” Alex, you gave me
the highest words of honor that a man
can ever give to a woman. Amidst the
darkness, I saw a light that begged me to
live again. And every ache that I felt,
began to melt in the whisper of your
heart. Maybe, life is not yet over, then.
The air seemed to grow dense, perfumed
with your love, your staring silence and
gradually your feelings rolled over my
deepest depths. I knew, something tremendous was happening inside of me. I
thought, is this the love, that I have waited for my whole life? God, why now,
when everything is over? Is this the timing, for love to dawn on me, when the day
sounds with my long, aching cry and every night echoes with the sound of my
loss? Cries out a voice, from somewhere deep within me. God, is this the
moment, when love has come to light my cracks and crevices?
How will I open my soul to you, Alex, when deep down, I am burning with the
memory of John entering my life and the memory of him leaving my life. I will
always hold a candle for John, until it burns my hand. And when the light is gone, I
will be at peace in the darkness, holding what remains. Though these words will

13
 will never find you, I hope, you know
John, I move through grief everyday. I can
learn every language, and read every
word ever written—but I will never find
the words for what is searing me inside.
How can I? Grief has it all.
I lost myself, so I could find out who I
truly was. That is the way it happens. We
lose ourselves sometimes, so we can find
out who we really are. And when by the
grace of God, we do, we discover the best
version of ourselves. The most authentic
one, who knows how to walk along the
pebbled shores of life, lovingly and
fearlessly. How to take this unbearable
loss, how to sit with it alone, face to face
with the grief and say to myself, “I am
comfortable in this silence, when it is just
me and my loss, facing one another”.
We no longer stare at each other, rather,
we have accepted each other, as in this
acceptance, lies the light of peace, that I
was in search of all along. I hold this grief,
and for a moment, I hear total silence; that totally silent part of an aching cry,
whose pitch pierces my soul. Despite this cutting sadness, those memories feel
like home to me. And whenever my mind begins to wander, it always finds its way
back to you, John, back to you.
Yes, at times, I wonder how could life take you away from me? And every sadness
loves the hollow space inside, as all it wants is to hear its own echo. Is this the
pain, that I can’t think my way out of it? I can’t talk it away. At times, I curl in one
patch of sunlight, lying over the grass, so I can lie besides you, one more time.
then I sit with you, as grief put sits arms over my shoulders. At times, this grief
becomes my closest friend. And, at night, I cannot bear to hear my own breath.

14
 And underneath this stillness is the
roaring of the gale that seems to tear
away my holding silence. Silence—at
times, this becomes the speaking silence,
that gives grief its own words.
The depth of those feelings began to
surprise me, but each time they hit me, I
would discover that they hadn’t washed
me away. I was still standing every time,
they splashed over me, I was finding my
roots, stronger and deeper, more
grounded to my own self. Gifts to grace
come to all of us. And it comes in
abundance when life pushed me down to
my knees. And baby, it was your
memories that made me humble enough,
willing enough, soft enough, to receive
this grace and still, call it a gift. What a
gifted suffering, that after all this, I still
find, life is a gift.
However painful my loss, but life can still
be beautiful—beautiful in a different way
than before. I will never recover from my
loss, I will never stop wanting to hold you, I will never stop rushing to the door,
every time the doorbell begins to ring, yet amidst this wound, I find my wisdom,
the wisdom of my soul. And I learn how to celebrate the life I have found, because
you are gone, John. I have lost, but I have also gained something. You were my
world, and I lost the world I loved, but I gained a much deeper awareness of
grace—the grace that helped me to find a clarity in this new light. This is the light
that came out of this gifted suffering and makes me rediscover the wonders of
the present moment.
When I walk, I carry this heaviness and the walk never seems to end. The road
seems so long, the night seems so lonely and the walls seem to stare at me, trying

15
 to say something. Did I miss anything, in
this lonely walk of life? Memories begin
to creep again from the hidden corners of
my heart. Lost chances, lost times, that I
could have made better. After all, this is
one life, that we are gifted with. Why did
I, ever fail to realize this before, when the
time was right?
Sorrows that I thought long forgotten,
come back as fresh wounds. And there
flows the river in my eye. I had to burrow
down and find my deepest wound. And
the burden of it was too heavy to
shoulder, and I screamed it out. I had to
scream for help and then finally, I found,
the way through grief is grieving. It is so
painful, loving someone from so afar, and
watching this helplessness from a place
that is helpless, hopeless in every way.
The once familiar face of my life reduced
to nothing more than an occasional
mentioned name in the conversations,
and a face to be held, only by the
photographs.
Life, you have reduced me, from a living to a mere existence. At times, grief has
no mercy. Sadness however turns out to be not a shape, but a gradual process, a
rolling of the saddest emotions of life. And one by one, glistening drops would fall
from my eyes, like they were carrying something--each one commemorating
something I had lost--hope, faith, trust, joy and beauty. Losing you, whom I loved
more than I loved myself--made remembering you, so very unbearable. Forgetting
the smell of your soap you had bathed with, your toothbrush still standing where
it used to, your towels still hanging, everything still the same the way it was, just
that, the “You”, who kept me alive—is gone.

16
 The house is so awfully quiet. This is the
saddest, lonesome beauty of all. The
walls begin to mock at times. They
whisper my earlier rantings “Oh! The
house is so noisy all the time.” and how I
wish, I could bite my lips and take back
my words. Why did I ever fail to realize,
that is the noise that made our house a
home, that is the voice which taught me
what love is. But then, we never realize
what something is, till it is gone. And
here, I am even with after time has
passed by, the truth that stares at me,
right on my face is—Time never brings
relief, when you lose someone you love.
I lost a child, I said, meeting myself in the
mirror. I thought, I would never live
through this defining loss. But then, I do.
With time, I learned to love the place,
you left behind for me, John. I learned to
love life again, the life which calls me to
dream again, to create again, to pick up
all the broken pieces of yesterday, and to
make some art out of all them again. This
is the moment when my grief started to take a shape, so I could look back into
what I lost, whom I lost. And that seems to gift me with something. Every
moment that I spent with you, seemed to be embedded in the pearls of
memories, the timeless pearls of eternity. The hardest hours of grief came down
in the form of an embedded gift, carved in the stones with every bit of falling
tears, each teardrop holding a pearl inside. This is the pearl that holds our story,
the story of all the years that we lived together, the moments when you and I
held each other John, in a timeless love that God once gifted me with. And as I
remember that love in the wake of every dawn, those are the pearls I wear my
neck. The sandy shores of life that hold the seashells, those are the shells that

17
 hold our priceless pearls.
That is the miraculous, luminous beauty
held in a million streaks of light. Its one of
a kind beauty, evolved out of our soul’s
evolution. Those years that you and I
battled inside our home, against the
challenging illnesses that seemed to dim
your light-- Every step that you battled,
John, brought out the light that you were
born with. The light that taught me how
to love unconditionally. How love goes
beyond any reasoning, beyond any
words—how it teaches us to be the best
versions of ourselves. That is the light
that breaks over the horizon of my heart.
It was a moment of rebirth as I opened
my eyes to new sunrise in my soul.
The bud that somehow came in my life,
struggled so hard to blossom under the
light that awakens this universe every
day. And before even, he could have his
richest bloom, the most unkind,
unforgiving strike of fate set its eyes on
you, John. It gave the hardest blow on you, and the bud fell, before even it could
break open its wonders. And everything was over, those moments of
togetherness, were gone with the winds.
While the world is still spinning, the flowers are still smiling, but it is a different
smile now. Am I not living life anymore, John? Yes, I am –just a different life, with
a different beauty-- a beauty that is carved in loss, a beauty that is carved in grief.
And just when I was sinking in this endless sea, a light emerged, that outlived the
grief and pulled me out of that engulfing sickness of my soul. A light that begged
me to rise again, that took every falling teardrop of my heart and turned them to
pearls of wisdom. Every pearl came out of an injury to my soul. The oyster that

18
 was formed so hard, hidden in the sands,
was finally crushed with grief and they
broke, to release a thousand pearls of
heart.
Makes me wonder—What is really
heavy? Is it grief? What is so brief? Is it
time? What is so frail? Is it the blooming
youth? What is so deep? The outliving
truth. John, my years with you have
taught me to outlive much in this world
that has gone so insane with pride and
pain. The darkness that pulled you in, the
sickness that took you in, your eyes that
lost the light, your heart that turned to a
blown- out candle—how life robbed you
of everything, yet yours is the spirit that
outlives all the grief that shows its
saddest beauty.
The nights are shattered, and the silence
seems to shiver. Yet at times, the sky
looks so lighted, in the middle of the
night. Could that be you, the shining star
of a night sky? The wind blows and
sings—"He left you a trail of light, a trail to walk upon, when the night seems to
cry”. Through nights like these, I hold the memories in my heart, and clasp to you
again and again under this endless sky. This is an immense night, more immense
without you, and the verses fall to my soul, like the dew to a leaf.
The story falls to my pen, like the grief to my heart. The ink flows on the paper,
like the falling tears to the paper. Why is it that my love could not keep you? But
then, why does it matter anyway? In the distance, someone in the sky is singing.
In the distance, someone in the darkness is lighting the path for me. And I start
singing too. My voice tries the hear the wind that carries your voice. My heart
tries to sing those songs that went so unsung, while you lived on this earth.

19
 My breath tries to carry the breath that
you so needed at those last moments.
Your infinite eyes that transcends all the
realms, this earth and beyond, your
infinite light that pierces the sky and
reaches me, from the other side. Is this
the light that gave me the wisdom of my
soul? I taught you the knowledge of
books, and dying you have left behind, a
legacy of wisdom. Through nights like
this, I hold you in my heart and find
peace in knowing that I have not lost you.
You have left behind a piece of yourself
with me, that makes me rise above all
grief and to see a life beyond life, that
goes beyond the beauty of words,
beyond any reasoning. It is not
intellectually forged but crafted with all
the emotions that are flowing endlessly
in the running brook of mine. This is the
beauty that you left behind, a gift from a
son to a mother.
Memories dressed up in the glow of love,
turned grief into beauty. When from my window, I look upon those hills of
melancholy, and behold the rising sun breaking through the mists of this
saddening sickness, I see the light spreading around, and the world wrapped in
light. While the running brook meanders gently through the trees, which have
shed their leaves—nature seems to whisper the wisest truth—that life displays all
its beauties. We never get over the defining losses of our lives. We absorb them,
and they carve us into softer, tender, sentient beings living on this earth, who
learn how to accept even the simplistic beauties of life, with grace and
thankfulness. At times, this feeling runs through me—Why can’t I write
something, that could make you awake one more time, just one more time? So, I
could tell you those words that you needed to hear, so I could bring the gift of

20
 breath again? But then, this wording goes
beyond my weaving ability. So, I leave it
to God to send down the needed rain on
the arid desert where the spring of life
has run dry. The much needed falling
shower from the lips of heaven above—
the love to be sent from the sky to the
earth.
The rain to my desert said—You wither
and I fall, you dry and I shower, forever
will my love rain on thy desert bosom,
and so it rained, moistening the lips of my
soul, bathing my heart with unending
waters of love. As I could listen no longer
in a brooding silence, your love rained on
my heart while I was in half agony and
half hope. I was a soloist in the melody of
my lonesome heart. And to my surprise,
somewhere in this universe, there waited
a soul to hear these notes of mine, flying
in the breeze, roaming in its weeping
sweetness.
Such is the moment, designed by divine
above, to make the souls meet in an advent of love, the timeless feeling of an
ancient emotion which keeps the world alive. The lips of a heart which has been
in search has found the lips of my heart—Is it so? Will my melody sink in
loneliness like all these years of the past, or did some heart find my heart, to
whisper some lyrics to my ears, so they can mingle to create the greatest music
ever?
Will our music live in this universe or will it curl in a sleeping, empty space, away
from the beating of love—something to be explored in the passage of time. Will
the love see its freedom in the sky, soaring to ecstatic heights or will it see a dark,
silent ending, where the tunes have lost the ancient music of love?

21
 Chapter 2….
The Whispering
of
A Timeless Romance
(The sun shines through me and makes colors dance on my soul
again. My heart begins to smile, utterly enchanted. And roses
begin to grow in the garden inside. Is this called love? As you sit
by the flowered vines of my soul, I can’t ignore your whispers
forever-- how can I? This is the whisper of eternity.)

22
In a rain swept night, did I find the love I never knew—When
every breath was a burden, when heaviness sat on me, love
came to my life, at that unexpected moment, to whisper
sweetness about life. He came to find a home with me in this
trail of love, in the adventure of two hearts playing the
delightful romance of a lifetime.
Rain drizzled over my empty heart, as your whispers brought
the waters on this desert landscape of sorrow, hidden inside
me. The scent of rain reminded me of why I loved the falling
waters—as how beautifully it hides our pain, in a world that
fails to understand grief.
With your coming, I began walking on the clouds. Euphoria was
written on my face. Such was the rainswept night when our
love was born, to give a face to my wordless grief inside. When
I chose to sink in sadness, you came whispered the romance in
me, the romance awakened a scent of eternity, only to be
smelled in love, hope, joy and beauty….

23
 Each of us has our own rhythm of
suffering. No one rhythm matches
another’s. Yet every rhythm is bursting
with a held agony, waiting for someone
in this universe to be heard by. And this is
the moment, Alex, when you came to my
life. Did you whisper to my heart, Alex, so
I can have the greatest romance with
your soul? Is that the music to my ears,
that makes me enter, into the wildest
wild of your heart? Is this the
enchantment that I have waited my
whole life? Is this the purpose behind our
meeting?
At times, it seems like a falling rain,
falling silently inside, where I am getting
soaked with you. But why does it feel
like, it is the best adventure of my heart?
What brought you to me, Alex? Is it
because, you can make me see life with
new eyes and new colors—so we can live
it one more time, and taste the
experiences to the utmost, to reach out
eagerly and fearlessly for the richness of
it? Love blossoms in the most unexpected places, showing its colors at the most
unexpected moments. The love that you brought was so deep and comfortable in
its unfathomable depths, that it became an anchor with the rolling of time. I
floated in peacefully, without ever being frozen. Our love had a different
fragrance, not the usual romance that brings out the most highs and lows of rare
emotions, but a quiet, steady flow. I could read your lips even when they were
not touching mine. My heart that was once frozen with grief, now beats in a
delightful joy. Knowing you has made my life richer, as your love has planted
flowers in the landscape of my weeping soul. The romantic summer afternoons

24
 were invented to blossom our heart
tugging romance, so it would get my soul
and yours talking. Let us lean against
each other then, to the next wildest
venture beneath the skies. Let us be
nomadic then, making each day a new
horizon of a rising hope-- these were the
murmurs of our caressing hearts.
Alex, you have stolen me from the
sleepless, lonely nights to walk the trails
by the moonlight with you, so our hearts
can make love to one another, and our
souls can write the songs, whose music
escapes from the lips of heaven above.
To fall in love with you, to have the
romance of a lifetime with your inviting
heart, is to have a heavenly romance—
that was a divine design by God above.
To seek each other’s raw yet elegant
emotions is the greatest adventure.
And to find you in the wilderness of life,
every time you get lost—is the delicate
play of souls, where happiness is filtered
through the leaves of my heart and sadness seems to be turned to something
exciting to live for, something melodious to hum for. Your love evoked the finer
feelings inside of me, so much so, that I could not fail to fall in for your whispers.
It was a touching, weaving knot of love and enchantment, that made me run
through every emotion whilst sitting beneath the gold of a sun or the silver of
moon. As I walked through happiness to music, to the sudden turns, I found the
love letters of your heart stunningly gorgeous. They were your hand-picked wild
flowers you had collected from the gatherings of your heart. You ran your hands
tenderly over my soul, while leaning forward to kiss my wounds. And with the
rolling of time, my sitting sadness was healed with the wildflowers of your love.

25
 The fragrance that poured out was a
fragrance speaking of eternity. Such a love
lives to tell its tale, the one we shared.
Shall we keep going then? –It’s one of the
most marvelous adventures that we can
ever have. But, there comes a distant cry of
the past of you, John, whose memories I
wept, over and over again, the years that I
rehearsed time and time again, in the
solitude of my heart. And the deeper the
grief, the closer is the light of god. The
tears that were shed in the silent sanctum
of my soul, were not a sign of weakness,
but a sign of strength, so I could wash away
all that was catching my throat. So, I could
rise again, to see the light of a new day
spreading itself, on the canvas of my heart.
This rising was in the wake of your love that
I never knew before. The essence of
eternity that you infused into me, how
could I, ever walk away from the essence
that brought such a beautiful spring in my
soul?
I began to question everything—the why of
life, the events, the years, the times together. The love I shared with you John,
was so perfect—the world may have failed to understand, but if you understood
me, then that was enough John. The loss that wakes me to the deeper beauty of
it, to the sanctity of it, to the compelling need to get on my knees and to look up
to the sky in need of an astonishing light—is this the need that pushed me down
to my knees, by the gratitude for what remains after the loss. The ache is always
there, but a new horizon was painted with the colors of those bygone years. The
colors that make up the landscape of a sorrowful heart, can give the most
astonishing light, that can break a heart in its poignant beauty. This is the beauty
that keeps me alive and treasure the gift of life. I learnt, how grief, that can be

26
 heavy, but also an anchor. I got used to
the heaviness, the intense weight of it,
that held me in place, gave me a footing.
It is the breaking wonder of my agony.
The light that whispers the truth to me,
that life is yet to be lived, so a thousand
other miracles can be released in the
astonishing pearls of light.
It’s so easier to get lost than found. That
is the very reason we are always
searching, and we are rarely discovered
by ourselves. I knew, in the silence that
followed after the grief, everything
seemed to shatter, and that anything
could have happened in that shattering
silence. All the walls may have seemed to
crumble, all the rooms may have seemed
to echo of some of the saddest melodies.
But the very sadness that I thought, I
would have to run away from, held me
whole, in one piece. Would I be able to
carry the grief—its weight and still feel
alive again? “Yes” whispered a voice from
somewhere deep within. “Your very grief-
--the weight of it will anchor you to the shorelines of your soul.” And out came
the revealing light of all the breaking wonders.
Anyone can hide. But facing the world without you, John, and wearing the
beautiful smile that streamed from my heart was the most courageous thing—
that I ever did. In the process of facing all again without my very own son—I
learnt the treasures of life. I learnt the concept of life. The life, not just from the
origin, but also of my creation—the groups that I move through, while this grief
was happening, friends, lovers and sometimes, even strangers. None of them
were perfect and I could never expect them to be. But, I took what each could
give me and build my life from it again. “Holding myself away from you, Alex, and

27
 denying myself love, that does not make
me strong. If anything, it makes me
weaker. Because—I am doing it out of
fear.”—this is the truth, that my heart
whispered to me, at a time when I
pushed you away, Alex. Fear is so
freaking loud, that it begins to speak, and
it speaks the truth in the loudest way
possible. I was afraid, what if the love
was not strong enough to endure. What
then?
I would never lose by loving you, Alex. I
would only lose by holding back. This was
your heart adventuring with mine, taking
a leap in the unknown, instead of
cautiously dipping the toe. We are taught
to hold it all inside, to push away the
feelings that seem to rise, to not feel the
innocent beauty of letting it out. So, we
wear some of the most beautiful smiles,
that the world has ever seen, until it
breaks us from the inside, slowly and
silently, and there is nothing left of us—
all come crashing down. Those who are
more courageous to wear that broken smile for somewhat longer, can wave off
the rushes as they come. But, do they really? It takes just one move, and all the
thick walls come crashing down. Everything seems to hold so perfectly and then a
scent of the past comes and all comes colliding down.
Times came , when I almost died inside to tell you, --you are the one I have been
waiting for a lifetime—someone who could play the sacred romance with my
heart, someone who would dare to take me out on the adventure of hearts—yes,
Alex, you are the one, whom I so longed to meet, yours is the heart with whom I
so longed to meet, yours is the heart with whom I wanted mine to melt. That was
a heavenly meeting, a divine melting of two hearts, who crossed the paths of each

28
 other, to search for something
breathtaking, a love ought to remember,
a walk that just began but unkindly taken
away. Life, why do you strike me, time
and time again? And the moment came,
when your heart and mine danced
together, your soul and mine leapt
together, and out came a thousand
flowers smiling at each other, out came
the universe, whirling in ecstasy. That
was probably, the most blessed
adventured that my heart undertook with
yours, Alex. We had it all—the first look,
the first touch, the meeting and the
melting of your heart and mine. It was
probably designed by heaven above.
How those moments came and danced us
to the sky, where you saw the star resting
in my eyes, and I saw the moon resting in
your soul. You, who played the music to
my ears and invited me to an adventure
of hearts—kissed my pain to turn it to the
sweetness of life again. To be able to find
my name with yours—Is that the buried
treasure of life? God, is this love, falling from your lips to our hearts? Love—is
that the hidden language of our souls—where you are unapologetically you and I
am unapologetically me—our raw, bare and rare beauty, all coming out, in the
light of love designed by heaven above. You showed me the spring again, the
spring that was cascading joy from deep beneath, and it is that joy that burned
out all my searing pain. So, I chose life, one more time. Before your path crossed
mine, the worst part was in not being able to share my saddest memories of John
with anybody. They are the wounds of a loss that will forever find a place, to stay
somehow deep within. But your sweetness somehow was able to teach me to
madly indulge in life again. To be able to feel that insane madness, that unspoken

29
 wildness in the deepest depths of me
again, is to find the spring within. And
when I did, spring awakened everywhere.
As if, you gently rapped at the doors of
my heart and with that came a sudden
tapping into the wisdom of my soul.
Distinctly, I remember, it was the bleak
cold of my seasons. And your words
threw the healing waters on the dying
embers of my pain, and out came an
incense of an enduring love, that carried
a smell of eternity. Not that, I never
looked back at the remnants of John
anymore, but every time, I did, the pain
seemed to cut a little less. It somehow
stilled the beating agony of my heart, and
I started to visit the pain with somewhat
less of a grief and more of an endurance,
more of a finding myself within my pain—
that defined me, grounded me and did
not shake me off the grounds.
Deep into the darkness peering, long I
used to stand there wondering and
fearing—Will I ever dare to dream again?
And the silence was broken as the stillness saw the light. And the only words
there spoken were “Our meeting has a purpose.” And with that whisper, came
down a thousand blessings from the hands of heaven. I let my heart be still for a
moment and explore this unexplored mystery— “It’s the winds of love, caressing
my face, brushing against my cheeks, and softly teasing my heart”. For the rare
and radiant feelings, whom heaven names as love—the uncertain rustling of each
curtain of that emotion, thrilled me and filled me in ways that I have never known
before. So gently you came knocking, so patiently you came tapping into the
sweetness of my own self, that spring awakened within me once again. Flowers

30
 began to bloom inside of me and my soul
burst into a thousand laughter within.
Could this be earth smiling again?
The grief that was finding no way to give
it words, suddenly turned to something
beautiful, something tender at the touch
of your love, so playfully soft. This is what
you brought to my life Alex. You
awakened a spring inside me and the
earth started laughing again. I can begin
to hear the rustling of leaves, I can begin
to see the drifting of clouds again, the
light spreading on the sky again. I can
begin to smell the flowers again, not that
they never out their scent before, but
that your heart played with my heart,
your soul enchanted my soul, as your
whispers melted into mine. I could not
resist your invitation of playing an
adventure with my heart.
As you invited me to romance with your
soul—I gave in and together we had the
breathtaking romance in the wilderness
of emotions, that brought out the buried treasures of our hearts. It was a walk in
the face of bare and rare emotions that had us together in the rolling of romance.
Love rolled in the enchanting slide from your heart to mine and the romancing
adventure began to see the light in the rising dawn, in the break of a new day. The
romance brought out the emotions that were sleeping since the ancient times,
lying calm, subdued, at times opening its eyes, as no light was ever visible to bring
into warmth that hidden desires. The desires that bring a man and a woman
closer in body, mind and soul. Such is the fire that melts a frozen snow. Such is
the passion in whose delight warms the frozen feelings and here comes out alive
some of the raw yet tender emotions of love, irresistibly sweet in flow.

31
 But times still come today, in the speaking
silence of my heart, when I hear my own
whisper— “Will I ever forget the painful
memories of John?” “Will it always be the
most defining loss of my life?” Every
memory remembered in pain comes, but
while it leaves, it leaves me stronger, and
the beauty of it remains—so, I create
something with it, so I create a piece of
beauty, a piece that can gift others with a
joy, a joy that endures all that comes
along the way. The memories are
beautiful and endless. They keep me full
yet so empty. But then, every time, I sink
into this emptiness that stares at me, it is
your whispers that fly in the breeze—to
caress my soul and play with my heart so
gently yet so teasingly. Your whispers
tease me most invitingly, to come and
play with your heart, one more time.
Behind the closed doors, while the rain
rolls out my eyes again, it is your whisper
that comes knocking my doors. And so
enchanting is the invitation of your heart,
that I can barely push it away. Is this all about love—that comes with playfulness,
teasing, caressing, and then the risk of having pain, the possibilities of having
loss—Is that what weaves the very fabric of love? Some things strike at the
surface, hoping the impact will go deep within, but it doesn’t and with the rolling
of time, it loses itself or dies down in a strange, unexpected way. While others
strike at the soul. Is this the wave that came straight from your heart and endured
so many rocks that came along your way, just so it could feel the splashing of my
love along the shorelines of your soul, so you could feel my heart pounding
against yours, my soul singing to yours in the most enticing way, possible?

32
 Your love that holds me firmly to you—
you who sees my face lifted to you in
much of a calmness, you—whose eyes
are so intent on the rise and fall of my
breath—do you burst inside into a joyful
weeping? Is this the moment that you
waited for all along, Alex? Every time, I
asked you to leave, tears glistened in
your sorrowful eyes, begging me to allow
your heart to softly play with mine again.
And every time, that I silently nodded my
head to your heartfelt plea, tears would
shine in your delightful eyes. And your
lips would seem to part, though they
would not speak. Your lips bent to kiss
my soul, as I wanted to be held firmly in
your arms. In your arms, I felt that I had
suddenly become strong and fearless and
sure of myself again. Somewhere, deep
inside I felt this urge to meet your lips, as
I read the looks of your eyes in my frank,
uplifted eyes. And we closed our eyes,
surrendering our souls to one another,
conscious of nothing in this world, but
the intense pressure of the lips of our hearts. The kiss of your soul that killed my
melancholic rain, made me feel so alive again. Feeling you, I surrendered to your
caress. Loving you, I became love myself.
Our caresses melted to become a symphony of passion and longing for two souls
yearning for one another, the insatiable desire to explore each other’s souls and
we gasped for the sparkling touch of your heart over mine—that gave out the
burst of brilliance, the explosive need of this sweetness at every fold. Is this the
rose that waited silently to bloom, amidst our hungering hearts? Beneath the
blush of an evening sunset, lies our teasing and tasting love, too eager to play the

33
 wild adventure of our hearts. Your soul
was like the sea, and in your kisses, I sank
in that moonlit night. God, is this the
heavenliness of love?
The love that tunes into the night of
youth, of our restless hearts wanting to
break the chains again. Listen to it, Alex,
do you hear the enchanting tunes of our
hearts? Do you see the falling snowflakes
and the rising light of our love? Can you
sense that which is beyond words, and
only rests in the ocean of our eyes? Yes,
Alex, this is the love you gifted me with, a
love that can withstand the test of time, a
love that can endure the winds of change
and still light the drooping petals back in a
glistening beauty of the morning
dewdrops.
No truth, no intellect can take away the
sadness of losing a loved one. No sincerity
can push away the sorrow that rains
inside the heart. All we can do is see the
sadness to the very end, and learn
something from it, that helps us in facing what came to us. John, you disappeared
from the face of this earth and the world keeps moving without the slightest
twinge. And all I can do is to try to grasp the memories that emerge. And while I
am trying to grasp the reality and understand it with my heart rather than my
head, Alex you came into my life—what a breath of relief, that there is someone
in the world finally, who understands what hurts me.
Before your path crossed mine Alex, the days were rainy, gloomy, drab—so
sunless. There were times, when hope seemed entirely clouded over, and when
blessings seemed to be so far away. It would feel strange, almost sad to walk
through the empty halls, echoing of Johns’ name. Each step, I would take, would

34
 sound so lonely. And one day, you came to
hold me. You heard the sob of my tortured
pain. And you squeezed my soul as tightly
as possible, clasping me to your heart. I
looked at you with my empty eyes, and
you thought, you are going to make sure,
you fill them up with the light of your love.
From time to time, I am visited by grief.
Grief is its own thing and its not that it is in
me. Just that, it comes and visits me when
it wants to. And I acknowledge it. As the
farther away, I run from it, the more it
chases me. So, I ceased running. And I
welcome when and how it comes. I accept
it, sit with it face to face. And I try to walk
through it, instead of walking across it.
And just when I thought, I was walking
alone on this long, lonesome path, you
came Alex to my life. And even though
happiness seems to knock my door, there
are days when there is an undercurrent of
sadness, just below the surface. But you
hold me tight in your wordless embrace,
mixing my tears with your love, to be
released, so we can be drunk on each other in agony and ecstasy. I put the words
done and it is done. But it isn’t really done. This is the stringing of my words, this
is the stringing of my pearls, where I leave it to you to read, to feel and to
understand. and yes, you seem to finally understand, in your staring silence-the
understanding silence, the speaking silence of yours. How beautiful is your
silence!
My sadness is deeper than for the world to understand. I have feelings that others
are incapable of feeling, that they would never allow themselves to feel. There
are underground places inside of me, where there is the face of human being,
who has been painted from a thousand colors of wounds. The face of a person

35
 who could look deep into something or
someone and would try to wear the
most beautiful color that can enliven
them, but beneath those rejoicing colors,
I myself am wearing the saddest colors
of life.
But in a strange way, I know what it is to
be sad and grieving. As in the intense
moments of grief, some of the happier
days, the happier years are reflected and
it all comes back. It is made so much
easier, as you watch me with your
penetrating silence. Love is a beautiful
thing that makes us listen to each other’s
needs so fiercely, yet so gently. At times,
I feel like, in your staring silence, you say
it all—your deepest needs, your most
heartfelt plea, to be one with my heart,
to sing this epiphany of two souls—has
seemed to be the blessed joy of my life.
And it happened all at a time, when I was
sinking so deep inside the sea of grief for
John. Your song was the whisper of
heaven to me, the dripping sweetness, in
such a tender yet fierce manner. The wildness yet the softness—all came in such a
perfect blend. Alex, you play the song that lies hidden in me. You make me find
those tunes again. That wordless music, which moves through the secret places in
my heart. You play it carefully, rousing and arousing me, over and over again, at
times with your worded beauty, and at times with your penetrating silence.
When grief comes again to make its way inside me, I do gasp, but your music
plays again to my heart and so soft is its whisper, that it teases my heart to play
that wild adventure again. And something so beautiful happened, every time that
you caressed those soft delicacies against my ears. That was the whisper of
heaven to my awaiting heart.

36
 How can I ever forget those moments of a
timeless romance? Melancholy had held
me hostage but the bee inside you, came
in search of a sweetness, only to find it in
my heart. And I gave myself to you, the
way you needed me, like a honey to the
bee. I opened myself up to you, like a
flower to the sun, knowing in this opening,
would we find our most fulfillment. The
fulfillment that would blend joy and
melancholy and would take every searing
pain, touch the wound in the light of love,
caress the remains with the whispers of
your heart and turn it to something
beautiful. You kissed every single wound
of mine, Alex as you patiently took every
single time, that I tried to push you away.
Yet ours were the hands that
that never touched, ours were the lips
that never met. But in this never touching,
did we touch one another. In this never
meeting, did our hearts meet one another
and conjoined to play the wildest
adventure that two hearts can ever
possibly play. The music was better that way, wasn’t’ it Alex? Did our romance fall
short of anything? We had every conversation profound and all pretenses had
been stripped away. Ecstasy used to dance in us all night, and hope used to fill us
up all day.
When I used to be heavy with the rain shower falling from the sky of my own
heart, then you came Alex, to help me find my lost melodies again. And it came
out through the falling raindrops of my own tears again. Every time, it fell hit the
ground, it rose as a pearl. Too many pearls absorbing the moments of sitting grief.
And you came in Alex, to show me the light of your love. Ours was the love where
our hands never touched, ours was the love where our lips never met. But, our

37
 story did not fall short of our living romance.
In the light of your love, I learned to dance
again. In the sweetness of its ecstasy, my
own sadness found a way to the lingering
murmurs of life again.
Your love that accepted both the joy and the
sadness in me, that embraced what I could
and could not give, all at the same time. In
you, I met my other half. I had fallen apart
inside of me, half of me on the ground,
watching everything and everyone
helplessly. I had this screaming pain inside,
that was silenced with the rolling of endless
grief. It had sobbed and sobbed so very
much, that finally it lost every ounce of
strength to make that crying sound. And it
cried in a desperate silence. Eventually, it
became a wordless cry. But you Alex, felt
that wordless grief, as you lost your wife,
years back. Having faced that type of a
devastating loss, somehow softened you,
and gave you the understanding that was
needed to understand me, on a much
deeper level, in a more tender way, than the
rest of the world could. There you were standing right in front of me, with a
lighting sun in your eyes, lighting my darkness, needing me to rise above this
engulfing grief, inviting me to love you, wanting me to play the adventure of
hearts with you. Before John left this world, I was still lonely, in a way that I shard
to put into words. I craved to be loved and desired. But I experienced the kind of
loneliness so immense that it would almost engulf me. Yet, I made that my safe
cocoon. The walls were my companion, the rooms were the witness of how lonely
I was. What an utter need I felt to be needed, to be loved.
Somewhere from deep within me, a longing would rise to be able to truly share
life’s deepest, richest feelings with only one soul who would long to share those

38
 sacred feelings with me. Not that I
thought too much, but sharing in the
purest sense, I wanted to feel in the
authentic sense of it. After all, this life
can only be lived once. And I was alone
with melancholy, talking to it. But in a
strange way, it felt so comfortable to be
able to confide in those moments my
heart’s deepest needs. And every time,
there came out a sigh, it was the
melancholy that kissed my loneliness,
with an assurance of understanding.
But at least, John was there in my life. He
was not only my son, but also my true
friend, who loved me in a way that was
unconditional. And if we ever had any
cross words, he would be coming for his
own way of making peace with me----”big
hug”. And how I loved every bit of love,
that echoed from those words. Love
never dies. It is beyond the realm of life
and death. And when his heart stopped
beating, I came crumbling inside. The
only person I was living for, was being
taken away from me. The long days alone, growing to get used to the fact, those
rooms will never echo his laughter any more. The house has become awfully
quiet. Am I shocked anew that you are not there? The worst moments when
sitting alone, is that I will never hear again the depth of your laugh, that used to
break my loneliness.
But just when, I was reminiscing my lonesome past, you came in Alex. And right
when I tried to run away from you, how gracefully you made your way into my
soul and invited me to join you in the dance of your soul. Alex, am I falling in love
with this adventure of hearts? Why now, when I have nothing left? Every time, a
reason I showed to push you away, your heart came up with another reason—but

39
 then it was never a reason in the first
place. It was a call of your heart to mine.
Two souls daring to take the biggest
plunge in the unknown sea of love, to
see whether we can rise and fall with the
waves.
You saw the light of stars in my eyes and
while the world looks for it in the sky,
you saw it shining in my eyes. And while
the world looks for the moon up high at
night, I saw that resting in your soul. This
is the light that made both of us play the
wild adventure of hearts, where madness
and serenity, both can dance with one
another, knowing when it is time to be
wild, and when it is time to be serene—
in the rhythm of hearts. This is the sacred
dance of love, in the wildest wild of our
hearts. In the weeks that followed, our
hearts amazed one another in the
ecstasy of opening up our raw, bare and
rare feelings. How we unfolded to each
other, and suddenly spring awakened in
our lives. Such a tenderness yet a
madness called the universe to wake up from their slumber and to spring into life.
Doesn’t love awaken the world, the way you awakened me, Alex? Is this the
emotion that keeps the world alive? To me Alex, you were not just another
person from this universe. You were a soul where I finally felt at home. The brook
of love used to run still and deep in the nights, when my heart used to fall in to
the invitation of your heart. We travelled the valleys and the mountains in the
romance of our souls, where our hands never touched, lips never met—yet we
had it all. The romance that was designed by heaven above, the romance that was
meant to inspire the lovers out there, dreamers out there, so they could feel alive,
one more time. With the rolling of time, love watched our souls bloom and unfold

40
 in such a fulfilled way to each other, that
love pulled the covers over us, so your
heart could make love to my heart in the
moonlit nights. And on we went in the
adventure of hearts, to seep love into
each other’s deepest crevices, so we could
heal and flow in the running brook of love
again.
The charm of adventure was so
sweetening, the sensations arousing, that
every throb of doubt that I ever had just
disappeared with the glowing of your
love. Heaven seemed to descend on our
adventure, as every breath that we ever
took in love was so heavenly, every step
that we ever danced in our wildest
adventure seemed so unfolding, gradually
taking us to the light that would walk us
through the unknown, uncertain
wilderness ahead. The ecstasy that would
outlive the agony, the sweetness that
would outlive any sadness that would
come along our way. We were two souls
who shared our solitude, our loneliness,
stared at each other in moments of understanding, nodded gently with the
slightest of words, walked away after the usual love-making of hearts and then
meeting again as the sun would rise, wishing each other the cheerful times ahead.
It was like, you understood every unspoken word of mine, every subtle wordless
flow. And in this understanding of yours, I came back to myself with the rolling of
time. I began to shake off my fear and relearned again, that I am not my fears. I
began to fall in love with myself again. Loving you had changed me, it had made
me fall in love with all that was. I began to sparkle from within. Life seemed to
spring in me again. I opened my heart and let your love in, let you be in my heart,
just the way you were. and you came to rest in the garden of my soul. At times, I

41
 wanted to understand the whole of
you—the side that used to immerse
yourself in me, and the side which
seemed to be flitting away from me. But,
with the unfolding of our love, I learnt,
that the ecstasy of love can never be
chased.
Love is so much more than
communication or romancing from
moment to moment, it’s the deepest
connection, the wordless feelings that
can be felt even in the speaking silence.
It was your connection to who I was, it
was my connection to who you were,
that kept us together in a way even
when life seemed to strike the odds
along our ways. And sometimes, when
the right music, the right melody, the
right song would play, when we needed
it the most, our souls would speak again
in the melody of words. We would craft
words in the breath of ecstasy. And there
we would begin to celebrate the full
flower that we saw in each other’s souls.
We would celebrate the full moon and the stars that we saw in each other’s eyes.
And living happened to happen for both of us, Alex. It became so much simple,
and soaring in the breeze of sweetness, in the ecstasy of madness. All around us,
we felt like a dancing delight. The universe seemed to be dancing with us. Nothing
in this world seemed so stagnant anymore. All seemed to be flying in the sapphire
of endless skies. A whole new world seemed to open up as your breath mingled
with mine.
And we lived every moment, experiencing it in the richness, in the delicacies of a
love that caressed our souls, that tantalized us even at the slightest whispers, that

42
 mesmerized us even at the softest looks.
We saw infinite power in our love, and
endless possibilities before us, and
boundless opportunities around us. We
began to live our dreams, walking away
from all the illusions. We learned to trust
life again, that our meeting has been
planned by the divine, and the unfolding
of it, we left to God.
Our love brought out the finest of
emotions in me, the emotions that stood
out as recognitions of some of the
treasured moments in our lives. And
when treasured moments are
remembered in the wilderness of our
lives, during an encounter, we capture a
spark of the past, the feelings that we
once intensely felt for one another. That
arouses flashes of insight, that reveals an
inner flare.
It is that instant of recognition which
may kindle enthralling emotions, the
fulfilling moments of our past. Those
unravel the knots that we once tied to each other in the silence of our hearts. You
painted my soul from the very beginning, Alex, and at times it got painted with
the smiling colors of love. And some other times, maybe sadness showed its
flowing colors on the canvas of my soul. Yet, they were colors added with so
much of a richness, that love added much of a beauty to my wailing soul. This
beauty was an instant recognition that something, somehow was still alive deep
inside my soul, waiting for you to release all the unreleased emotions held inside
for years, maybe decades.
Alex, how we used to go to the silent garden, to wander into the ecstatic thoughts
of our souls. And there would be the hours of silence, when you would immerse

43
 yourself in the starlight of my eyes. And I
would dive into the moonlight of your
soul-- The lights that brought out the
romancing poetry of our lives.
And while we are headed to the
unknown trails in this wilderness, my
question was—as I meet you on my
way—whether you are coming with me
all the way or not. The life inside our love
always felt so welcoming—so inviting to
take one step and get lost—only to find
that in this losing myself, was I finding
myself with you. You saw everything in
my eyes and it was so easy with you.
Even the silence, so comforting, that I
feel nestled in your arms, cuddled in
your love. The deep tone of your voice,
the richness of your words, all felt like
sweetness dripping from
your very soul. Was that the sweetness
that held me in one piece, during those
moments, when I almost lost myself?
That is a question that wandered in my
minds so many times, begging me to look inside and flow with what came from
my heart. But then, every fleeting moment became an eternity to be indelibly
engraved on my heart. You were like the calm after the storm, the peace after the
raging gull has passed by. You are the sweetness that has spread over the sea of
my sadness. Is this the sweetness that is hidden in every fold, waiting to be
unfolded by me?
The love that we share with each other goes through a divine crafting of our inner
selves, our own share of experiences with life at the best and worst of times. Our
hearts that unfolded in a thousand moments of strength and sadness, and it can
only be seen in the familiar eyes of other kindred souls. Your soul knew mine, the

44
 moment it rested its eyes in my deepest
depths. You knew me in that instant of
recognition, one soul seeing another soul
and knowing that the search was over.
Your love lit hope in my eyes, and the
love that I see in your eyes, is a love that
has its roots deep inside each of us, but
that needs light and healing waters to
grow, and unfold its branches in all
directions, so they can reach outside
where it needs to be reached, beyond
what can be seen, into the depths of
what can be felt. The love that once
lighted my soul came from the burning
flame in yours. Your love caressed my
wounded deeps, so I could feel the
whispers of love in the freshness of
breath again.
We danced in the coastal breeze of such
deeper feelings of our hearts, with the
sun of hope on our faces, the smell of a
surging sea all around us. Our hearts
were swimming with emotions, as we
tipped our heads back to let the sunshine
warm the cold sadness that had filled our insides from our grieving pasts. Our
hearts fell in love with the delightful whispers by the sea of life, no matter how
the waves were, rushing or receding. But fate had something else in store for us.
And I smelled something, the coming of a turn. Yet hope lit a light in our hearts,
so we clung to each other, as sadness hang in the air. So, we saw each other with
the eyes that took our past sadness and turned them into a beaming joy, which
could usher a new landscape in our mourning souls. Alex, you had gone through a
tragedy of losing your wife, that taught you patience, humility and understanding.
It brought out the tenderness in you towards all the sentient beings on this earth.
I went through the most devastating loss of John, whose smile was the world to

45
 me, and in an instant when that smile
died, from that moment, I could not feel
the ground beneath my feet anymore.
Alex, you once wanted to find out why
has God brought us together? ”Our
meeting has a purpose”, was the thought
that came across your heart. Could this
be the purpose, that two hearts who
went through the most tragic losses,
meet each other and heal one another so
as to find a love that lights one another?
And with the rolling of days, our story
had unfolded, for better or worse, as I
gave you my word, that I was going to be
with you for the days and years to come,
in whatever way you wanted me. In
whatever way, you needed me, I would
open up myself to you, the way a flower
does to a sun. And our wild chapters
began to unfold. And I dared to dream
with you. Together, we walked, for the
unknown times ahead, to find out what
God had in store for us, as you once said
in your earnest plea.
And with that understanding of each
other, dreams began to live in the lining
of our souls, the moon began to rest in
the heart of yours and stars began to shine in those eyes of mine. You showed me
the light, that and I showed you the love that you so needed, that you so desired,
at times in the fierce way, and other times, with the touch of a softness, where
your heart whispers to mine, in the gentle murmurs of love. You gave me that
softness, the touch that my heart so needed to melt that age- old grief that was
cutting me silently inside. You gave the sweetest whisper of love, that would
awaken the lost song in me, that would sing some the saddest tunes in delight

46
 and make it the romantic melody flying in
the air. Such was your tantalizing
whisper. Such was your mesmerizing
music.
Life, the way it came, brought you to me.
What a delightful surprise. I have to
admit to my soul. Meeting you in my life
brought me face to face with my soul.
You knew the whisper of my heart from
the very beginning, how I would react,
my romantic longings, my passionate
yearnings and so you responded to clasp
to my soul. It was as if one soul made
love to another soul, beneath the spread
of a silver moon. This enchantment came
with the sweet delights of a timeless
romancing of our souls.
In a way, you knew loneliness, as if you
felt mine as yours and every waking
dawn, you would gift me with a gentle
note of your love that always traveled
straight to my heart. How beautiful
were those little things, those simple gifts
that made my life so fulfilling, and forever left their sweet remains long after they
were gone; As the day would begin to stretch, those gifts would invite me to
reach out to you, to see if your heart was thinking of me, at the same time, that
my heart was thinking of you. How gentle was the adventure of our hearts, how
soft and tender you were to me, and yet so wild at times; It was divine blend of
softness with fierceness, ours was a perfect blending falling from the lips of
heaven above. And with heaven’s blessing, every moment seemed an eternity to
me. In every whisper of your heart, eternity came to embrace me, and I was no
longer engulfed with any sadness at all. The veils began to unveil, the clouds
seemed to drift away with a joy that lighted me inside and out. The world began
to see my revealing light. And I knew I was no longer the same. I was changing for

47
 the times ahead of me, to join you in our
venture, to fulfill you in every way
possible. How could I ignore the
whispers of your soul? It was love calling
everywhere.
This was a wonderful giving of myself to
you, where I did not worry about what
was ahead of us, but of the way you
needed me, when and how. And my only
thought was how completely, I can open
up myself to you, so you can have your
utmost fulfillment. It was as is, the light
of divine had seeded this love for you in
me, and when the time would come, I
would be by your side not to need
anything from you, but to give of myself
to you. It was a beautiful feeling that I
felt for the first time, not to need
anything but to find my fulfillment in
being needed by you, to carry you within
me, so you can rest inside of me. My life
started to be a piece of enchantment, a
beautiful portrait of the romantic colors
you painted on my soul. Was that heaven
in so many tones of love, so richly portrayed, falling from our knots that we once
tied beneath the silvery moon? Such is the moment when heavenliness mingled in
the breeze and all that fell on our trembling lips was the glittering silver of a
moonlit love. The darker was the night, the brighter shone your moon, Alex. That
was the love spreading over my restless soul. And the gloomiest nights turned to
a wakeful romance of our hearts—daring and dreaming to be playful again as
adventure used to be in the air of night. With you in my life, the night seemed so
triumphant and the moon with its timeless beauty resting in your soul, the stars
eternal resting in my eyes. Beauty seemed to spread itself over you and me in the
delight of heavenliness. The night falls began to come with a rising romance of

48
 two hearts, daring to adventure again in
the bosom of darkness by the lighted play
of moon and stars. Romance used to rise
in our sky with the blushing of sunset on
the landscape of our souls.
Before you came in my life Alex,
melancholy used to be the sound of my
sleepless nights, where darkness used to
stride forward threatening to consume
me in its air of thick sadness. The sky
would grow darker, painted black on
black, one stroke at a time, into deeper
and sadder shades of night. The night
seemed to be so empty, my eyes lost any
sight of the silver moon. A darkness
would like into the sky up from the
horizon, like some brooding blackness
behind the cover of clouds. And the night
would fall on my heart, as it was so
heavy. A thick curtain would pull up over
the eyes. It would seem like a blanket of
curly sadness, coiling and folding me into
a shell where I would curl into some
broken piece.
And one fine morning, when you came Alex, the darkness seemed to break. With
the touch of a love—I found that I was not a broken heart. I was not the weight of
some dross that I silently carried in my soul. Neither was I the miles that I wanted
to run away from the home of my own heart. I was not the way I slept under the
bare sky in the smell of falling tears. I was the way life unfolded and bloomed, as
seasons came and left. I was the way, spring always found a way to turn even the
chilliest winters into a meadow of green and full bloom flowers with new life
springing from within. The touch of your love, Alex awakened my spring and
suddenly spring awakened everywhere. I guess, this is what love does—it calls

49
 someone to bloom at the beat of beauty,
to take the bearing sadness and to kiss
every wound, so it takes some shape of
beauty.
Some nights were made for torture or for
a deep reflection, or the savoring of
loneliness, before you made your way into
my life, Alex. And it was the intensity of
that darkness that made your light so
bright that it showed the silver light in
your soul—the light of a rising moon in
the bosom of my saddened night.
Something amazing happened when my
world was sleeping. Your love played the
soft saxophone to my soul, that was
sleeping in grief and I woke up, to the
delightful sweets of your whispers. What
you could not speak in the silence, the
saxophone of your soul spoke the
language of those unsaid words, the
unsung melody and aroused my feelings,
so I could feel alive, in every tune that you
ever played. You invited me to the sun-
drenched fun on the sands of that dancing
sea, you whispered the delight of your soul that sought its pleasures in romancing
my soul, so I could follow the trails of love, one more time, hand in hand, side by
side, with God as witness and nature as our church. Pieces you stitched with
pieces of me and together we slept beneath the blanket of night.
And every time, I would begin to slip into the sea of grief, you would play the
slow, enchanting, melodic tune on the saxophone of your soul. Alex, you played it
in the misty rain of sadness on a summer’s night, in the silvery beams of your
moon, so you could spread your silver beams on the waters of the shining waters
in my eyes. And just before they began to roll across my cheeks, your tunes came
as a music to my soul, calling me to play with you again the whisper of hearts in

50
 this adventure of love. I felt like I was
catching a glimpse of another world,
where lights shimmered on the sorrowful
waters in my eyes and it was the light of
your love, the music that kept playing its
enchantment to my ears. That was the
moment, when heaven came down on
earth to see you and me, knotted
together in the unspoken melody of love.
My caged heart was set free in the air, so
it could play heaven’s choicest mingling
with yours. As what flows from the heart
catches the findings of another heart,
until the two bind together in a spell of
eternity. That bonding which we made
can never be defined in the spell of time.
As you see, time is a concept which is
caged in the words of years and months.
Ours was never caged to begin with. It
was set free in the breeze around, it was
set loose, so it could flow in the freeness,
in a heavenly delight of ecstasy. Such
sweetness that flowed from our most
intimate whispers could be imagined only
by the lips of love. The moment, they would escape our lips, they would travel to
our hearts, and what we once knitted by the flow betwixt our lips, caught our
hearts in a timeless fashion. This was one love that was supposed to sway with
time, moving, playing dancing its delicate whispers as it fell from the world of
time to a timeless beauty, nonetheless defined in the light of eternity. Such is the
love that glistens on the petals of our souls. Is that the dew of enchantment? The
dew that falls awakens the waves, so they surge, swell and dance again reaching
the leaping heights in ecstasy. Such is the dance of love that got us in a drunken
joy in the breeze of a heavenly romance. Life glistens in our hearts again. How
deeply we awakened one another, in the light of a timeless love, that one which

51
 travels from eyes to the hearts, and
dances in our eyes. Such is the growing
light in the night, the spring of radiance
that never really dies—love that turned
into enchantment—life that turned into
fulfillment. That moment was timeless
and majestic. That kind of feeling comes
once in a lifetime. And when that
descends on this earth, love rains down
in the blessed shower on earth,
sweetness begins to fall everywhere,
flowers begin to bloom, the earth begins
to smile, and all over happiness sees the
light. It was a love that God had
designed for us, where we were bound
to meet and explore each other’s
hearts, to see and to feel what was so
unfelt for years and to breathe with the
feeling of being alive.
That was love crafted with the wildest
ecstasy and the serene sweetness of
your soul blending with mine. When you
used to play the saxophone from your
soul and invite my heart to romance
with your heart, your whispers would caress against my face, needing me to give
in to the melodic adventure where every invitation of yours was to show me the
light of love, the light that burns the pain and brings back life, one more time. The
romancing with your heart, the melodic adventure, it all happened, the moment,
you began to play the saxophone from your soul, sending to my heart, the
romantic ballad of your heart. The ballad that made us dance in the rhythm of our
dancing souls. Ours was the kind of story, where no matter what the reality was,
but in our dreams, we had the fairytale endings, the breathtaking castles, the
charm of love, the romancing of heartwarming adventures, where the music was
our retreat and our hearts were the wilderness. The wildest wilds did not cease to

52
 exist for us, and the smiles and tears did
not go unseen, our pasts did not go
unheard, yet our sadness slowly faded in
the dismal sea. We drank our way into
each- others souls, as that is the we
found a pathway to the ecstasy. It is this
finding that kept us traveling deep inside
one another, in search of the unleashed
fragrance. Some essences need to be
found, need to be unlocked, as at times
they get buried deep beneath the dust of
everyday life. Your essence found that
buried sweetness inside of mine, and
together our essences traveled deep
down the pathway of our souls. So, in
losing our own, we found the essence of
mingling in eternity. Such is the
sweetness that travels beyond the realm
of that which can be spoken and rests in
the language of our souls.
We weaved poetry out of these
adventures, and it became one of the
dazzling diamonds that help us made
sense out of the laughter and tragedies of
life. Our eyes hungered to read each other, that chances allowed us to devour. I
did not love you, Alex, seeing the riches of wealth that you could or could not gift
me with, but I loved you for you could make my world the richest. There was
always the voice of wonder within my thoughts. Did I ever make your world the
richest too? Too many times, I needed you to face the question, where are we
headed to—and your smile cascaded out of your heart, saying “I love your
expression and feelings and I am happy to come across this time that I need
somebody by my side that will be telling me so much love words.” And your
words poured sweetness to my thirsting lips. Such was the heavenly
enchantment. Blessed are those who have felt this love, once in their lifetime. It

53
 awakened my inner spring, so spring
awakened in this universe, everywhere,
all around. Wherever I looked, flowers
began to smile at me. Were you smiling
in them, Alex? Was it you, and your
words giving out the smell of love
through their fragrance? You always kept
your hands on my heart and knew the
calming waters that would soothe me
when it was needed to be soothed. And
your fount would flow with your sweet
murmurs “Smile is the only thing in life,
that can melt any heart. Start your day
with an awesome smile, do that all day
and while. Because you look so beautiful,
because life is so wonderful, A very Good
morning to you.”
Every morning, you gave me this heartfelt
invitation, to make my life a blending of
innocence and simplicity, courage and
fearlessness, so with your whispering
love, I would rise and face this world
again leaving my pain behind. Your poem
in simplicity, “My sun shine, when I saw
the sunlight, I thought about your smile, when I saw the day so bright, I thought
for a while, I am missing you this morning, Wish you a lovely morning, my dear.
Keep smiling to spread the cheer!”
Your heart could murmur in the simplicity of your inner spring and the buds
within me would begin to break in the love of yours, inviting me to wake up to a
new hope that comes with a light of this new day. Your invisible touch would
come with your poem, with your rhyming, as it was a rhyming of your very heart
searching for the rhymes of my heart. Together we weaved the rhymes of our
love. And in that weaving, came the outburst of sweetness. At times, when I
would worry about your delay in meeting me at nighttime, you would show up

54
 with your sweet murmurs again, “Good
night my honey. As I lay on the bed,
thinking about you, I just want to assure
you, that you are the one for me, Coz I
love you to thee, Good night and sleep
tight”. Your touch of a comfort
descended the sleep on my eyelids and I
would be sinking into the land of paradise
where there was such an effortless ease
into drifting in paradise. And when I
would wake up to the first light of dawn,
how sweet would be the morning air.
How the little clouds would float like the
feathers. And the red rim of the sun
would push itself over the cloud bank.
And I would drink the sunlight to my soul,
every morning to brighten myself.
So, happiness would see the shimmering
light of the morning, kissed with dew and
promise to sail away, and the heart of the
night would rush headlong into the
soaring light of the day, to kiss it full and
hard upon its mouth and embrace the
brilliance of life, once more. And I would
be glad to be alive in a world where the gentle awakening eyes of your love would
nourish the morning light rising within my soul again. Not that the morn never
came before, but it was like I was beholding it for the first time, in the touch of a
lover’s heart. And the sun seemed to be dazzling again, the brilliance seemed to
be bursting again, the nature seemed to be smiling again. And all those dazzles,
those blooming bursts, those peeping smiles knotted to form the flower of two
hearts.
You were inhaling my scent, and for the first time, I allowed you to. You were a
breeze that carried the freshness and the sweetness in such a perfect blend. I
admired so secretly your manliness. Could I be falling deep inside? Decades of

55
 hurt and pain and now endless moments
of ecstasy and love. We connected in the
deepest way possible. You read my
thoughts before I even spoke them out.
And gradually I found myself inhaling you
too. My pen has fallen in love with your
soul, because I can’t seem to stop writing
your story, writing my story, writing our
story. You are the words to my poetry,
you are the rhymes of my heart, you are
the missing music of my soul. You are the
fount of inspiration that makes me rise
secretly inside. While the world thinks of
another story about me, your soul knows
it is the new me that is springing inside
with your cascading love.
You appeared and allowed my pieces to
be reborn, and you were the essence of a
mind that was aimlessly drifting away.
You took my broken pieces and nurtured
them in the rising light of day with the
gentle whisperings of your heart. And
every night when I slipped into the
softness of bed, you sent your soul-scent
with your enchanting notes—“Nothing please me much my sweetheart, as staying
so close to your heart, the night is deep so is my love, The sight is so pleasant and
no shove. My feelings get deep for you. My love for you is so true, know that I
can’t live without you. Wishing you a lovely night, Good night from me to you!”
Such was the mingling of our emotions. We never closed our lips to the music that
once began streaming from our hearts. As some things whose beauty that began
to flow in ecstasy from the hearts, will eventually find the lips that are meant to
carry it with the rolling of time. Maybe that’s why it is called heavenly. As the
love that fell from the heaven to our hearts found its way in such a manner that
even time stood still. And when emotions came high, and we wanted to be one in

56
 every way possible—you promised a day
would come, when heaven would be on
this earth that moment, that night, while
you expressed your ecstatic feelings in all
its heavenliness—” thanks for sharing
your feelings under poems with me and I
believe one day, you will look up in the
midnight. I will be there to represent
mood and sky, so your happiness will be
complete, but the important thing is to
have time for yourself. Please I beg you
with God as the only friend and union
you have now. The moments we spent
together are memories for life. Keeping
these memories on the threshold of your
eyelids, let your eyes be ready to have a
journey into the world of dreams with
me. Good night and cherry dreams.” Yes
Alex, a lifetime of memories you gave me
at a time, when my world was falling
apart. That was the most beautiful place
for me to be in.
Every morning freshness begins with a
new story. Every flower glistens with a
falling dew of heaven. You came with your falling love as a morning dew on the
petals of my heart. Such was the heavenliness of your caressing on my heart that
every dewdrop gifted me a new beginning. A promise to wake up with in a breath
of heaven. So fine would seem the morning glory at the touch of your lover’s
heart, Alex, except for a streak of wind, here and there, and so beautiful seemed
the horizon, that the sea and sky looked all a fabric of love knitted with the rising
colors of your soul. As if heaven had dropped down into the sea of our souls and
all around was the beautiful feelings aroused in ecstasy. You were the love
carrying me in your light, taking me away from the noise, the chaos of this
seemingly loud world where the found the waters, the most peaceful waters. It is

57
 there, that we learnt, that love was the
most beautiful poetry, and silence was
the sweetest sound of all, as in its
presence was born the most romancing
rhymes of your heart and mine.
This is when the moon would come up
and I would wonder if that was the
moment when heaven came down to kiss
the earth. The night would seem vibrant
with its silver hues and the enchanting
spread of a moonlit night. That was the
birth of the most romancing nights in our
lives, where love would come down, thick
and fast, with light dripping on our
hearts. Two souls standing bare in front
of each other, slipping off all the disguise
of tears and pain, coming at last face to
face with one another. It’s the smell of
your heart, the feel of it clasping to my
heart and I would hear the slow hum of
songs rising through my being, and as
long as I knew, that you were there,
somewhere with me, I knew I had the
world beside me.
That was the dance of our souls that cleared the fog of our minds and invited us
to see the hopeful morns, once again. And as the day would descend into night,
you would pour poetry again to my heart, so I could sleep in the light of your love.
With a sweet murmuring, you would tuck me in your love—” There were million
stars in the sky yesterday, there are millions even today. The only difference is
you are not there with me, I so wish you could see, That I am missing you tonight.
Sweetheart! Wish you good night! “, and so gently, my eyelids would close as
your sweetness would whisper to my ears and travel down to my soul. And I
would know in that instant, that rhyme was composed just for me, so it could sing
music to my ears and take me in the solace of a comforting bed. Every night, how

58
 gently you put me to sleep, running into
my heart with the touch up of your
heart.
Alex, your heart saw what was invisible
to other’s eyes. You saw my heart, you
felt it as yours and you nurtured it as
your very own, so gently yet so strongly.
It was a longing of my soul, an admitting
of my weakness. It was a heart without
words, a heart yearning to see the light,
to feel the love, so it could feel all the
feelings of life again-- the wanting, the
desires that can make a mere existence
living again. Being bent and broken I was
by the blow of life, as it came so
unexpectedly by the sudden loss of John.
But then, with the rolling of time, you
came in Alex, to walk deep inside me, to
make me feel all those feelings again,
those whom we call love. And when
your heart began to speak to mine, I let
all else stay behind. As I knew in the
speaking of our hearts, would we travel
deeper and deeper to one another. We
were not just summer to each other’s hearts, but all the seasons to one another.
And in every season that came and left, our love became so deeply rooted, that it
lived behind as the eternal spring even during the coldest of winters. Even when it
used to snow on our hearts, we found a way back to each other, Alex, so we could
warm up one another, in the fire of love. Was that the warmth that you had been
in search of all along?
Alex, we smiled even when the tears were glistening within our eyes. We laughed,
even when our hearts were begging us not to. We held on to each other, even
when holding on, was getting a little too struggling. We walked, even when it felt,
we could not walk anymore. We sang even when our voices seemed so heavy

59
 with sadness, and with the rolling of
moments, we made it through. And then
there would be the nights, when we would
lean to each other’s hearts, to kiss our
souls, one more time. It was the memories
that we made of a lifetime.
Without them, my life would be a blank
page, an empty notebook, a broken song
with so many missing lyrics. What made
you fearless was your willingness to stand
through the toughest of times, and still
want to whisper to my heart, as often as
possible, to penetrate my heart with your
gentle murmurs, as often as possible. It
turned my sickness into an adventure of
delight, where sweets were hidden in
every fold and you helped me, Alex to
unfold them in every step of the way.
Looking back, I know now, I could not have
made those days without you. At times,
even your staring silence seemed to cradle
me emotionally. Your supportive silence
spoke much to my hesitating heart,
mustering courage from your chalice,
pouring love so freely into mine. We were never pushed around by the fears in
our minds but led by the deepest dreams of our hearts. At times of overflowing
sadness, we would look deep again into what held us together in ecstasy, and it
would bring us out of the agony.
That was the sweetness of our relationship. God had gifted our souls with so
much of beauty and cascading feelings, that we would somehow know, how to
meander and pass by the rocks that would stand in the flow of our relationship.
We would somehow find a way, and would begin to flow again, time and time
again. And in every beginning that we made, heaven blessed our adventure again.

60
 It was a breathtaking walk in togetherness,
with constant exploring, teasing, taunting,
and then giving in to the invitation of one
another’s hearts again.
The light in your heart caught my eyes and
I could not stop but following that light
and beginning to walk with you, when I
was drowning in my own sea of sadness.
That was the light that ignited my
flickering flames again. I was born a
dreamer at heart and your light just
awakened my dreams, begging me not to
kill my dreams. This was the urgent call
from your heart to awaken mine. For a
second, I hesitated but the moment, I set
my eyes on your face, my heart gave in to
your invitation and my soul began to
follow the light of your love. Was that the
light that laid out the breathtaking
romance on our hearts? And we stayed up
at nights, so we could listen to the music
of our souls—the music that helped us to
hide our fears, hurt, pain and tears and
helped us to flow in the richest smiles
again. So bountiful were the scattered smiles from the deepest depths of our
hearts. So, what, the world failed to listen to us, you and I listened to each other.
And in the rolling of our tears and smiles, we became one another’s heartbeats.
We became best friends and lovers for a lifetime. Alex, as you once said—“well
my intention of coming to you, is to make good friendship and relationship, where
we can share everything in common, share our feelings together, while taking a
long walk in the beach, and wait for the moon to bright our future.” Your words,
in the simplicity of your heart, turned the ordinary into an extraordinary beauty;
they were the pearls of my happiness, Alex, if only I could tell you when the time
was right.

61
 Your once earnest plea” I wish we can
share a moment together, because I am
ready to make you have feelings as
woman whereby you can have the tastes
of life again,” lifted me up. You showed a
light to me, the woman, who used to
wear her heart on her sleeve, who would
pray that all things would work out just
for once and she would be happy. The
woman who would scream and cry to her
pillows because everyone else would fail
to listen. The woman who had so many
secrets but would never share them with
any soul. The woman who made mistakes
and had regrets as a daily ritual. The
woman that never won. The woman who
stayed up all night, thinking about that
one man, and hoping that he would come
back to her one day. The woman who
took life as it came, the woman who was
hoping that it would get better
somewhere down the road. For the
woman who loved with all her heart,
although it always got broken.
To that woman, you came and assured—life was still so very beautiful. We could
not tell the precise moment, when our hearts engaged in such a playfulness, but
somehow, somewhere, you felt it and I felt it too. And in the feeling, something
beautiful happened. Your heart gently began to dance upon mine and our
rhythms were in so much of an elegance and grace. This was an elegance of
hearts, knotted in love and desiring to dance in togetherness. The knot that was
formed the moment you once told me” Let me get to know you, so someday, we
can altar as husband and wife”, the love that began finding its way inside the
moment you said ”Our meeting has a purpose.” And heaven came down in your
words. A thousand bells rang as the sweetness escaped your lips.

62
 And since then, I merely danced with
you, not knowing whether this dance
would break us or make us, whether it
would call us to an end or whether it
would take us to a walk in the times of
togetherness, in smiles and tears. And
so, I held your hands, at all times, to
behold and feel with every fiber of my
being, the running of you in my valleys
and mountains, the dancing of you
around my inner fount, to see whether
it gives you any joy of getting wet in my
waters, and to feel myself being wet
with you in the rain of life and to get
blazed again into the sunshine with you.
As you once whispered to my heart, ”I
believe that God will make us to know
each other, will finish his wish for us.
And I love the way, you express your
feeling indirectly.” My wonder was
“from when, did you start to care?”
Alex, your whisper was “from the
beginning.” And that whisper was the
sweetness falling from your lips to my
soul. And in the depth of sadness, I learnt that within me, there was an invincible
happiness again. In the depth of winter, you and I found an awakening spring. I
know now, the snow of sadness once loved the barren trees and fields of my
heart, and it kissed me so gently, spreading its thick white blanket on me. But
then, you came Alex, and summer came in my heart, emotions seemed to kindle,
and the snow began to melt. I woke up again. And your love began to breed lilacs
out of my soul again, mingling emotions and desire, stirring the dull lands with a
spring shower.
And I became so ripe in the falling of that shower on my barren soil, that a
thousand smiling flowers began to make their way through from my soul to your

63
 soul. A thousand buds began to break
and face their way to the sky. You never
imposed yourself on me, Alex. So gentle
was your coming and making your way
through my heart, that smiles dropped at
every blossom of my aching soul. The
wind began to rise within us, the air
became thick with our love, and the earth
got so perfumed, with the scent of our
hearts. The flower inside of you came to
the flower inside of me and our petals
mingled in a thousand ways, and there
was the essence of eternity. Your
tenderness showed me the tastes of life
in such a delicacy, that I could not but
give in to the sweet invitation of your
heart. As you used to murmur in my
sleeping ears in the coming of a gentle
morn” There is no big difference between
doing and dreaming, whatever you
dream in your life, you can do that, it just
depends on your determination and
power. So, go ahead and fulfill your
dreams. A very good morning to you!”
Such simplicity and tenderness were crafted in your gentle words, that it brought
in the light of your earnest soul to awaken me from my slumber of sadness and
inviting me to give myself to life again in the best beauty of my soul. To me you
seemed to be the delicious autumn and with the rolling of seasons, my very soul
was wedded to you. Even when the trees of my soul put on the pallid hues of
melancholy, your spring season always spread its vibrancy on my melancholia and
turned everything to the vibrancy of spring. The bulbuls began to sing on my trees
again, the joy began to reign again, as you sat under the shady bowers of my soul.
Your humming reached my heart and I began to hum too. Isn’t it beautiful, how
two bulbuls in our hearts sang to one another, and the tunes called our souls to
clasp in the breathing of eternity. Such was the sweetness that flew to the air.
64
 At times, you would come up with another
hum like” A day filled with cheer in the
heart, you know that it will remain a part,
so make the most of your smile and you
enjoy this day all the while, Good morning
is all I wish to say, so that you have a lovely
day, Good morning to you!” This simple
humming from a nightingale soul of yours,
would sit on my soul and would coo to me,
in the sweetness dripping from yours and I
would gently be awake in the first rising
light of a morn. And just like the rolling of a
day from dawn to eve, sunrise to sunset, so
the seasons of my heart changed from the
winter wools to the summer cottons.
Ours was the type of love where we
preferred not just the fullness of seasons
at our hearts, but also wondered about the
in between months, those missing times,
the moments that fill those gaps too, so
together they can all be crafted into an
annual beauty of our souls that can hold us
together in our smiles and tears. Even
though the crisp chill of winter had left me
from the winter of my life, yet somewhere its remnants of cold were still in the
air. Even then, some flowers had begun to pop up here and there in the rebirth of
my heart. This is when your heart began to flirt with my heart, in the gentle
teasing of love, inviting me to go deeper and deeper within you, tasting you in
every way possible and coming out so full and alive. That was the eternal spring of
our hearts, the season of our evergreen love, and then came the ripe autumn
when it was time for the untamed delicious savoring of our hearts.
That was the moment when the freshly dewed rose left its snowflakes beneath
the blazed sunlit sky, to sing an acapella of love, where the smiles soaked up the
tears, as the sunlight soaked up the rain of yesterday’s sorrows. Alex, your heart

65
 loved my spring in bloom. The trickling of
dewdrops from the petals of your heart,
strolled down by the trepid lake to watch
my silent rose bloom in the invitation of
your love. Was that the bloom of spring in
my heart? Was that the blossom of my
aching soul? Alex, only your glistening love
held all the answers, and beneath my
shyness, you silently came in with the
poem of your heart” the burning desire”—
the desire that played its endless melody
just for me and its sweet notes in spring
and all summer long, coming to my leaping
heart and out bloomed my lavender rose.
The frost of winter slowly melted away in
the eloquence of love, the sadness
departed in the summer blaze of our
hearts, and though autumn came with the
richest of colors, Alex, you gifted me the
color of love to my withering petals. This is
the youthful reminiscing of our love that
once bloomed in the bosom of spring and
left behind a forever essence. Life brought
and brought the best of two thirsty souls,
who had thirsted for love in the freezing pain of life, so we could share the
moments together, so we could watch the sunlit morns again, the alluring sunsets
in the peace of an eve in a joy of companionship. Those moments seemed to be
the autumnal fruits of love, so ripe and red from the orchard of our souls.
The wine arrived from the fruits of love and as we drank to the full, we emptied
the chalice of our hearts while playing the flutes of our souls. The season of
summer was alive in its richest bloom, so generous with smiles and laughter, to fill
our hearts with one reminder. That life’s bountiful harvest is not always fleeting
but it can be captured in moments of eternity, and it is in penning this story, that I
relive those days in my soul. I loved how the springtime would crawl out of the

66
 wild mouth of yours, and in that inviting
spring of yours, winter would crawl out
of my mouth. Spring time came in our
hearts that made us sway and dance in
the breeze, so our hearts could enjoy the
playful whispers in delicacy.
Our story is not lost behind, the words
we will forever find, the essence that is
left behind as seasons roll on by. The
fruition of our love had come, and the
nights should have been fine with the
moon and stars resting in our souls, and
the crisp promise of love in the air, but it
wasn’t that way. It rained, and puddles of
water shone under the night sky, as the
tears began to roll out of our eyes.
In the woods, in the darkness, beyond
the fairytale of love, water began to drip
from the eyelids of two hearts. And
down came the grief-torn nights on our
love. And then came the sad seasons of
our story without growth, where we
began to see so many unfulfilled
promises of spring, that promised to live
and linger. The leaves did not seem so gorgeous in our hearts suddenly, and the
first touch of frost laid them low to the grounds, amber and somewhat golden in
the low slanting sun rays. And out came those transitional seasons, that take the
edge off the intense cold of winter, or the blazed heat off summer.
The seasons somehow smelled something. Am I smelling it right, was the question
that somehow caught my throat. I tried hard enough to look past the sizzled
thoughts, to turn away my glance past the rising worries. Is there a cloud in the
sky? Is it not going to be the moonlit night always? Have the times seen the end?
Will you let this love pass you by? Sometimes, things don’t go as planned, at
times we hunt for a meaning, a reason that chases us while we walk down the

67
 lanes of life in search of an answer. We
walk relentlessly in search of it but it may
always remain unanswered—the
enigmatic beauty of love. Little do we
realize that solace lies in stitching those
yesterdays with the memories of a
lifetime. Some rain fell out of a sky, some
thunder broke in the clouds, somewhere
a flash of lightning showed its way. And
we ignore the signs, denying that all is
lost. We ignore the signs of a coming
storm. As your soul that once romanced
with mine, that is the romance of a
lifetime. The love that gave its sweets
from the deepest hearts, the love that
found its light, amidst the nights of
aimless wandering. Somehow, your hand
touched mine, somehow your soul knew
my whispers, and we caught each other
in the smell of something beautiful, that
can live on the sands of time. To accept
that a cloud may be showing in the
pristine blues, would be a cutting pain, a
burden too heavy to carry, amidst our
hearts. A mystery began to follow the romancing of our hearts. Life can come in
the experience of the mysterious. But then mystery is the emotion that stands at
the cradle of every love, as to which romance can withstand the winds of life, the
rough weathers that suddenly show up when you expect them the least.
Mystery comes with its own beauty though—at times, with a happiness unfolding
and at times with a sudden sadness. To what beauty, a romantic journey will live
in—dancing or having its last breath, it all depends on how deep the emotions
have mingled betwixt two hearts that once came to know each other. Every
mingling begins with the flow of emotions in their push and pull, the rise and fall,
the rushing and receding. In between the extremes lies the silence.

68
 Yet the blooming of romance is in the
journey to be explored. As the lover at
heart is always the traveler, who never
sits down, who never fears, who always
keeps moving to explore the beauty of a
romance that was thought to breathe in
eternity. True lovers always feel
compelled to look deeper, searching for
something inside of this romance,
uncovering the love that was bound to
be found, in this world that has gone so
insane with pain. The intrinsic value of
holding on to this love, its pleasures, its
promises, its past, its unknown future –
all richly detail the very story of love.
Such is the delight tin weaving, and at
the same time fear grips on—what if, it
dies somewhere along the way, what if
it takes a detour? But lovers at heart
know, what once found a song, never
really loses its music, as this is the music
that keeps the breathing of this world
possible. Such is the music of love. The
breath that keeps the lovers dancing,
the breath that keeps the dreamers dreaming, such is the breath that keeps the
world alive, hoping for hope, daring to dream once again in the rapture of life to
uncover its hidden sweetness. No sweetness can go untold, unshared with hearts,
as every love needed to be tucked deep inside the lovers souls. Such a sweetness
finds a way to express that which lay asleep for so long. And in eternity it
expresses in the scent of something forever, that never finds its music dying.
Amidst the ordinary, rose something extraordinary somewhere along the way.
Yours and mine was, the way we seeped into each- others depths and brought
something extraordinary amongst the ordinary tales of everyday life. That was the
essence of something special to be locked in times forever. Such togetherness can
never get buried beneath the sands of time. As rise it must in the winds that blow.
69
Chapter 3—
The Abrupt Turn
There was the sudden discovery that when we shared something so
seemingly precious, so deeply connected, then came the bitter winter
in our relationship. There came a time when we discovered, that those
moments when we basked in the playful whispers of our hearts—they
have somehow ceased, so abruptly struck by a sadistic fate. Life strikes
time and time again. But then, walking in the wilderness of romance, it
is about expecting the unexpected. The suddenness becomes the
normalcy of a relationship, and what was supposed to be a delightful
adventure saw an abrupt turn. Rarely do we meet life in our terms,
rather we meet life in its terms—however it is love that breathes in the
light of eternity.

70
However, the most fulfilling romantic adventure is that where you
share your journey with another soul, not knowing where you are
going. So, you can experience the unexpected detours that you are
meant to take. No journey is ever a straight line. It is a maze. The twists
and turns create the survival or the ending of a relationship. How and
where it will turn can lies in uncertainty. But in the dimming of light, as
we walk through the maze, do we struggle to fight for what we have.
And the telling of whether we have what it takes to come out alive,
creates in richness the saga of love. But sometimes the most
breathtaking journey is the detour which you never meant to take.
Where unfamiliarity takes over familiarity, where you push aside safety,
and something beautiful or something so dark can come out. You never
know the outcome yet walk you must in this adventure of hearts. A
relationship can either sink in sadness or give out an astonishing
beauty. It may either ride through the night in a daze or it may ride
through the day in a rising light. It’s the detours that write the saga of a
lifetime.

71
 Our story took an abrupt turn.
To my surprise, I got to have a glimpse of
your past, after your late wife was gone.
You had let out your heart in your truth,
that the life of a man is not the same as
that of a woman. And while I understood
your life in the past, my love whispered
to me, that life can only be lived
forwards.
Any mistrust makes it seemingly
impossible to let go completely of the
past. And our relationship was never
where we thought we left it. The past
started beating inside us like a beating
heart. Unfortunately, the moments were
going by, and as your past was swelling
up inside of me, the future began to
recede. Regrets were mounting, and
possibilities were dwindling.
A question would often emerge inside of
me—Was there a place in your past,
Alex, where you lived in and loved, and
all your yesteryears were buried so
deep? Did they rise in the depths of your silence, so much so, that you could not
help vising them? Was that what was keeping you away from me? Do you visit
them often, so as to keep those passed years safe, secure while the future years
seem so far away for us? Why, do you try to relive it? Do you not see a future for
us, you and me, Alex?
And just when this mistrust was welling up inside me, you fumed with anger. You
pulled yourself away and the first seeds of doubt and insecurities somehow
became seeded in me. Why could you not face my heart bare to each other, and
wash away all my unanswered questions with something that would give me a
light of your soul? That light would have been enough to guide me through the

72
 phases of confusion. At times of trouble in
the sea, the light of soul would have been
the light to see me through in the swelling
sea of our relationship, a voyage where,
we would have made through. Wouldn’t
that have been a treasure from the
mundane to profound?
You could have been the story teller of
your past, and I could have been the
listener, and the truth would have flowed
out in details. But then our love would
have been enough to handle it, at its best
or worst and the feelings that we had for
each other would have taken up a
residence in our souls. Still, we would have
made it, as I was yours then—I will be
yours for a thousand lives. Soul to soul,
you breathed me in endless delights of
love—what made you pull away at the
slightest doubts of mine? Did you never
know, one moment of confession slipping
from your heart would have brought you
back to my heart again? In your love, I was
alive, Alex.
Something so unusual was in your love. Was it the light of patience, that made it
so beautiful with the rolling of time? You were so silent and at times, your silence
seemed to kill me, and other times, it seemed to make me doubt you more. Was
there something, that I needed to know? After all, we shared a love that made us
so alive in each other’s eyes. With you, I was free as a bird flying with all my
freedom in your cage. And with me, you never were chained in the first place. If
ever you needed to leave, I would have rather opened the door for you. Love can
never be chased. It can only be given freely. And I wasn’t looking for love, till I
found you. And even after, your path crossed mine, I would have never chained

73
 you into something that you would have
struggled with. Rather, I unchained you,
just so, you could find the door open to
leave, if need be.
After all, it is our love that walks with us.
Maybe at some point, your past, your
yesterdays walked with you, but the day,
the moment, when we laid our eyes on
each other, we knew we were alive to
live this life once again and all the lost
tunes did not seem so lost any more, as
our hearts dared to adventure in the
romancing of souls. Did you not put your
past in perspective, Alex, so you could
live your present with me? You left
something of yourself with me even in
silence, it was as if your heart forgot to
leave the way despite the windows of my
soul being wide open. But still you did not
leave, Alex. And I asked myself—Is this
where hope begins? Or is it just the
beginning, where I face the ghosts of
yesterday, just to discover whether or
not authentic faith, grace and ultimate
love really do exist. Will hope and healing come, in the form of wisdom from the
heart? Will you risk you own heart, Alex? I was faced with the hardest challenge
of all. Your silence at times seemed to fog my thoughts. What was the veiled
meaning behind your staring silence? How could you be able to breath in that
impenetrable silence, that followed us for days and months? I whispered inside—
Alex, either you must find freedom from the chains of your past, and begin life
again with me, or face an unknown future without me. Either way, I gave you the
ultimate freedom to choose from your heart. As I knew, those moments, that we
spent together, will always be a piece of us. The pieces of you stitched with
pieces of me to create a piece of heaven, a weaving of love that we once shared.

74
 Our love would couldn’t have wiped away
your past, it would always be shattered
to pieces, but somehow you could make
peace with it, you could come to terms
with it, if you would have faced it with
faith. I would have walked it with you, we
could have walked together and visited
your past, so as to make it easier for you.
Did you not have enough faith in the light
of love? Did the light never see you
through? And you seemed to be like an
iceberg if ever some unanswered
questions would pop up in my head. At
times, I failed to interpret our silence. So,
I tried to read and re-read it in my way,
the only way.
Big, small, the profound, the mundane
moments of the past—sometimes find
their way to come into the present, to
resurface if we let them in. But we could
have faced them together. But the past is
a distant, receding coastline. We can see
it, but it had begun to recede, at some
point in our lives, at its own pace. And
that is the unchanging truth. The truth that shines in the light of eternity.
There will always be that gateway to all our yesterdays, but it is our love that we
shared, which made us wild on the adventure of hearts again. And if your past
even shows up, then you can sit and quiet yourself. You could luxuriate in the
sweetest memories. You could have let them flow in the beauty and their own
pace. You could have faced them, and not run away. And I would have accepted it
with grace and faith in your love, that your past will not stand in the way of us,
finding our way back to each other. Not that your past would have never
emerged. It would, and at some point, it would insist on being told. No story
should stay untold, as every story breathes beauty in this world.

75
 But, even though your past would splash
on the shores of our souls, there would
be those dancing waves on the coastal
lines of our hearts. And we would be able
to meet those waves of your past, and
then dance us into our new- found love
to see what the adventure held for us.
You never know what you have in store
for you in the times ahead. So, why did
you fail to cherish those moments, letting
them slip through our fingers, knowing
those moments will never come again?
Life only comes once, it never comes
twice. It may come in waves that may
throw you upside down, or it may come
in waves of an enchanting dance. What
stopped you from seizing those moments
in eternity, so we could have an
enchantment of a lifetime? Did you not
know, that life only gives us one chance
to live; And that there is no place for
could haves and should haves.
Droplets of thoughts, droplets of
memories hanging in the nostalgic air can bring by such a smell of sweetness, so it
can linger in our heart that can see the light to live again in the wake of a dew-
kissed morning, that awakens us to rise above the sadness. Even when we feel,
our insides sink, while we sit on the crumbling inside, against the wall of
memories, we let them hold us to the full. The unspeaking ache behind our eyes,
the knowing, that things will never be the same again, finds a voice that
whispers…”Its not midnight without you.” Somehow, the breeze calls again, the
silver spreads again, the stars show again. The sweetness that got us knotted in
the first place, the enchantment that caught two hearts echoes in the lonely
night, as night is no night without the lovers at heart, where the moon did not
spread its heavenly silver and the stars did not scatter its celestial glitters.

76
 Yet night is never a night without you. As
romance lives in the whispering of your
heart to mine even when love seems to
give its cry.
This nostalgia that I carry around leaves a
light behind, that seems too enduring,
too far reaching to hear its cry. As last is
no last, as long as it crafts some beauty
somewhere in this world. Every sacred
voyage, every search for hidden relics,
every hunt for passion that I ever had,
every whisper that ever arose in my soul,
that someday, somewhere, I will have my
perfect story—a love that is born to
inspire the world around—something
tells me, such is the love that rained from
the lips of your soul to mine. Such is the
love that whispered from your heart
gazing at mine.
Love, you came in such a painful delight,
at last you showed your light, to live it on
the shores of eternity. From there we
begin to weave the past in the beauty of
forgotten moments, to weave a piece that stitches all the memories we made
along the way, so we can gift it to the world. So many are out there, sobbing and
sinking—little do they realize, they need not lose themselves in the bittersweet
struggle of love, as a music that once arose in two whispering hearts, is a music
that lives on the sands of eternity. You may defy it, and I may deny it, but such are
the lyrics, that never stream lifelessly in the passage of time. The world lives in
that unspoken emotion and a thousand souls hunger for it, with their hungry
hearts—here you are, here am I to gift that rare piece of emotion from our hearts
to this world, so they can live it all in the light of such a story, that shakes them off
to dance them to a beginning. As no love has to die so soon, every love is so
young at heart, so let me keep the essence alive by gifting a saga of our lifetime.

77
 Reachable, there remained amidst this
speaking loss, the one thing—the gift
remained, never truly lost, in spite of
everything. It had to pass through its own
muteness, an unbearable unanswered
story, as to how and why things could
freeze when the emotions were rolling in
an enchanting ecstasy. At last, it passed
through the thousand stages of wordless
grief and gave back all the words for the
raining of my lonesome heart. So, the
insane pain passed through and came to
light of life again.
The arms of love were still outstretched,
but they held nothing. Except the
unending memories of a yesterdays’ love,
that somehow kept singing of a forgotten
tune, a forgotten melody that kept
hanging in the air. Strange isn’t it? Even
as I held you, I let you go. There were
times, when the fear of losing you hit me
so hard, that I forgot—the beauty of love
rests in giving freedom. The light that you
once lit in my world, was dying out. I
knew, deep down, the light was flickering, so I breathed as hard as I could, to
muster myself up, and to finally release all my emotions in the air. Something
inside me gave a faint whisper—” You can do this.” As no love ever really dies.
Each memory rips through me, yet I packed my emotions for all what was left and
walked away, as fast as I could from yesterday’s love. Pain for a love that now
lives in the memory lanes. I just know something is amiss, some feelings that I
long for knowing I can never have them again. It was a breaking thing, but love
made it so enduring. So what, it is yesterday’s love, yet it leaves a light behind. So
what it walks in the memory lanes, it still walks as a living light. Such is the joy of
some emotions that we once felt, in the wake of those moments, that truly

78
 made us alive. For time now spent living
in silence, it beings our emotions to sit
and face one another, at times to collide,
yet there came a time, when I stood face
to face with our love, to visit and revisit
our endearing past. One has to be able to
live in pain to be able to live in joy in life.
But Alex, you and I were meant to love.
Were we meant to lose? Love was our
music that kept us alive—how we
continued our desperate, hopeless
struggle never to leave each other along
the way.
But life had something else in store for
us. It never gives us what we want, but
what we need, to break our hearts so a
thousand wonders can reveal from us.
Life’s song is still the same, as
monotonous as the beating of the waves,
but I find a new meaning. Not that it
never existed before, but that I failed to
see into it, not that love was never the
blooming beauty. But that, I failed to see
how short- lived a bloom can be. The
breeze at times, offers no soothing peace. As when I put my ears to it, all I hear is
the echo of a mourning. Even the breeze begins to cry with its broken tunes.
Pain and memories tore through me. I stood there, watching the waves, how they
build their momentum, how they surge and swell, and just when it dances in
heights, in the blink of a moment, it all comes crashing down. But my eyes still see
the dance, my ears still hear the wind, as I continue to walk on the sand. There
must be something breathtakingly beautiful out of all that lives and crashes—
whispered my heart. No love story can truly have the insane pain from the falling
rain of a lonesome heart. I must have lived an ache inside, to entrap it in the
shells of life, so when the time comes, it can unleash the pearls of a light.

79
 In the balance of love and loss, memories
and joy, it was those yesterdays, what
they brought and did not bring, that
made me struggle to breathe, made me
struggle to drink deep from life. When I
lift my eyes to scream out my pain, the
thousand stars turn black and die. The
world knows not of this, as their light dies
in the falling rain of my lonesome heart.
There was no one moment, no one hour
which can face this loss and wave it a
final good bye. For it comes back over
and over again.
Pain takes us to the doorway of a blessed
wisdom. Every heart that has ever loved,
has felt the pain of losing something in
life. Every soul that has ever sung, has felt
the sting of thorns, somewhere along the
way. Who hasn’t-- You have, I have, Our
next generations will. Yet, we keep
believing, keep hoping, keep dreaming
while walking through the trails of life.
So, I did carry those memories inside.
Somewhere inside me, something believed, that every loss gives rise to
something beautiful. I wander off walking through the wilderness of life, that
seems to hold, not much of a life any more. Yet my heart whispers—there must
be something to see even in a darkness so intense. So, I roam again in the
yesterday’s memory lanes, to see the living light that still holds much of an
unseen beauty. Something is alive, whispers a voice inside my heart. And I let it
travel to my wondering head. It can never die as what was once born in love,
never really sees a death. Such is the lighting of its beauty. It lives a life beyond
life, it lives a life beyond the ultimate demise. What we think as demise lives in
the spirit of eternity, a light of beyond. It can invite us to a life of beauty and grace
that dawns with the understanding of grief in the light of kindness.

80
Chapter 4………
Life Through the
Eyes of Grief
Grief has the kind of eyes through which it is hard to see life,
the lens through which it is hard to meet life in a new way, yet
meet we must, as those are the eyes, that will show us a new
light. The emotions that stir up from the bottom of our souls,
will leap momentarily in our eyes, and there you will see the
heaven’s rain. Such is the falling rain of grief. The world sees it,
and before even you know it, your age- old grief looks so fresh.
The rain that streams in a world that fails to understand the
grieving hearts, can eventually be the river of wisdom.

81
You understand life in its hidden silence, seeing it through the
eyes of grief. What is unsayable sometimes escapes through
your eyes, and your grief begins to release in this vision of a
new life, the life that you never planned, nevertheless the life
you have now. Your grief will take you to the path where you
would rather not go.
Through the curtain of yesterdays, the voices rise from grave
that remind you of a flower plucked, so it could be sent to
heaven above. And how deep down, your soul is owned by
grief. Until your heart has wept away, you will travel from
woods to woods to meet grief in a world that fails to
understand your unsayable pain.
Yet it is in this heavenly rain, will you find one day, the way out
to the lighted trails of life, in the rising dawn again. The
darkness that seems so intense, the pain that finds no words,
all will make their way into the grieving heart to show, that the
pathway to life again is the pathway through grief. There lies no
other way. Walking through grief is the only way out to life
again.
82
 Such is the fragrance that once arose from
the flower of love. The first of petals may
show the signs of withering, the last of
petals may fall off, yet it left behind the
speaking essence of eternity.
The grief may have turned to a frozen
waterfall, a promise to care may have lost
its way, yet it did not mean to hold back
the unleashing fragrance. How we took it
for granted—those everyday moments of
releasing beauty from our deepest
depths, the way a brook rushes to meet
the sea, those moments have somehow
seen an end. Those times, when you got
endless pleasure in teasing me at your
heart’s delight—that weaved the
ordinariness of our mundane lives. Today
they seem to be yesterday’s unforgettable
treasures. Until those days were gone,
until those moments gave their last cry,
we failed to realize—those are the
moments we live for.
Loss is more than just an ending and grief
is the final shape shifter of emotions. Like the hairs that at last seem to appear
gray in the flowing of life. But even grief gives some emotions that at times may
feel like to give us the light of strength, from where to rise and emerge again in
the light of a day. To be thankful even for the opening of light, to be at wonder
even for the endless blues of a poesy heaven in hearts, to be at awe even in the
dancing dew on leaves, is the blessed wonder of all.
When life seems to hit its unforgiving blow, you can either sink or rise. But to gaze
at wonders and to be able to feel an expanse of a releasing joy from the
wonders—is the gift of feeling. The gift, that grief has not killed you, but rather
numbed you. And you find ways to let the first gaze of your heart awaken you to

83
 another side of life. The side that flows
its waterfall of singing waters, that side
that releases its flow of a springing joy
whom even grief could not kill. Such is
the releasing beauty of life.
Such comes the healing time. The heart
begins to shine again, soul feels so fine
again, oh what a freeing time it is. The
lark of my soul begins to find the music
again. It gets easier when we meet our
grief through an acceptance—that its
okay to be cut by pain, its okay to run to
some place far away. As that runaway
may someday bring us back to face loss
again, to find the buried treasures of joy
again. In coming back to face life, do we
glimpse the truth—life is still waiting for
us.
Its okay to meet loss and to go away --in
search of what is enduring and what is
leaving, at a time when life has thrown
the hardest hit on you. In that going
away, you are exposed to all that is lost.
The vastness of life is bearable only
through a releasing love, that releases itself in the rolling of time. You owe an
unending thankfulness to this undiscovered beauty of life that gets discovered in
the gradual unfolding of such a mysterious beauty.
When an ending upends your world, the first light of wisdom is in realizing that it
is fine that you are not fine—it is normal to be not normal—it is a joy to
acknowledge the pain—it is a comfort to admit the discomfort—it is a relief to
honor what is killing you inside. As in such accepting, do you admit the truth that
you have been running away from, the vastness of sadness that has found its way
within you. So, all you can do is to walk and run as fast as you can, to some place

84
 where you can feel the intense relief of
unburdening yourself of the broken
smiles that you have been wearing all
along. You no longer have to wear a
smile that covers your sorrow, you no
longer have to wear a face that carries a
heart of pain.
Sadness is simply love in its most painful
form. It releases the unspoken truth of
love, loss and healing. It can find so many
words, that can be a love letter to the
heart torn in loss in the passage of time
travel. Through all those words that
release from the rising of sadness, do I
reach the inside of me, the crying me,
the running me, who wants to be held,
who wants to survive through grief,
through loss and can still see the light of
life again.
What is lost can never be stored, what
has happened can never be made right.
But the people who can see through your
loss, who can see through your grief,
who can hold your hands as you are staring at your life in a blinking horror at
yesterday’s memories, that was once your whole life. Some things can never be
erased. They can only be carried with you, within you. As you walk, they walk with
you. As you sit they sit with you. Such is the intricate bonding between you two.
Time stops for you. Nothing feels real. You replay your past hoping you will see a
different outcome, every time you visit and revisit it, hoping that joy will replace
pain and the past will come back from the face of loss or death. That is a closed
door which you keep knocking, time and time again. The world splits open for me
and nothing makes sense of anything anymore. Everything of John and Alex,
became an artifact, a symbol of the life that used to be, a symbol of the life I once

85
 had, a life that I could have had. There is
no place this loss, that grief has not
touched. It has penetrated everywhere,
in the wordless way possible.
When an untimely death or a sudden
ending of a relationship enters your life,
everything changes. The clouds seem to
fade away from the sky and a new light
emerges, the rising light in a sky, rising in
delight. The soul that was sinking in
sadness suddenly finds an unfurling joy in
the release of this sacred light, the light
that brings a dawn in every sinking heart,
the light that gives birth to a rising poetry
in the grieving soul.
Such is the long slog of sadness, the
journey through it can be toiling yet so
revealing, so painful yet so relearning of
life—its treasured wisdom in so many
ways. I took refuge in grief, in sadness
knowing that it was my closest
companion, the friend of my soul, who
would break the light someday to me, so I
would come out of the abyss.
Sadness finally finds its voice. I am no longer fumbling for words. My thoughts are
no longer garbled up. I feel rooted within myself as time unfolds me in the waters
of love—love for myself, for life—the light that it gifts in the abyss, so I can rise,
stronger not weaker, brighter not dimmer, and can accept the whisper of
eternity—” Life is still a gift.” So much of an emotional literacy emerges as I travel
through the landscape of grief. It once engulfed me, but with the rolling of time, it
is clearing the fog, giving me the wonders that can melt the frozen grief. It finds
its droplets falling through the hole that once made my life. My crystallized me,
the frozen inside is showing the warmth of me again.

86
 I have been inside that pain, I have been
inside that agony, I have been inside
that grief—who is rising from the broken
pieces of yesterday—to meet life again
the way it comes, to find the unfolded
joy in the falling wonders of it. Sadness,
grief—they are natural forms of love,
but in the most painful way. The more I
travel through the landscape etched in
sadness, the more I meet the loss that I
encountered, and the more it gives me
the gold of a light.
This loss transported me to entirely
different universe, where my vision has
gone through such transformation. I can
no longer see things the way I used to
see. How sudden and fragile life can be
for people whom you take for granted in
your life. Loving each other facing the
chances of losing each other. Yet we
need to feel alive in such fleeting times,
can be a struggle, that we may or may
not acknowledge to ourselves.
We need to know, we need to accept—how to live here despite the gripping pain.
We need to let ourselves walk through those empty lanes, that hold nothing of
now, but something of a distant past, so we can travel through grief, so we can
travel through the landscape of loss. No wisdom comes to us, unless we travel
through the darkness. That is the only way we begin to see the light. This is the
way we live inside our loss, this is the way we live inside our grief.
The truth about loss is it gets integrated to our very being. It got integrated to
mine, not overcome. Grief, loss are not such things that can ever be overcome.
They can only be integrated in the light of a new reality. The light of carving a
different life, carrying grief and sadness with you. Even though it is carved from

87
 the most intense loss of yours, it is still a
life—a life that holds beauty, hope, the
light of a new day. Life still invites you to
give in to its breaking wonders. I can still
hear the call of living, I just hear it
differently. I can still see the light, I just
see it differently. Given what is mine to
live, life can still be beautiful. Amidst this
landscape of pain and grief, it is up to me
to etch out a life where happiness can
still see a new sunrise. It will be a
happiness integrated with my grief and
loss. Such is the light that helps me to
keep moving to a life that I never asked
for.
However, grief always belongs to the
griever, as grief is an intensely personal
thing to be felt in the deepest depths.
The very process of getting rolled, tossed
and turned and being able to come out
alive is the most challenging journey that
a griever will ever go through. And no
matter, how struggling it is, still it is a
personal journey. Others can walk it with
you, but no one can walk it for you.
It is an unfathomable relief to try not to understand the situation, to try not to
look deeper into why and how it all happened, but to just surrender to the only
moment that we have, here and now. Do we live the same life, the way we used
to? No, it is a different life. But sunshine still looks beautiful, the flowers still keep
smiling. Just that, our lens of seeing beauty has taken a new perspective. Joy still
keeps coming. But while it was dancing before in the ecstatic colors, it is
somewhat subdued now in the softer colors of vibrancy. The flowers still keep
laughing. But while it sounded a hilarious laugh before, it just seems a dim smile
now. Accepting this truth in the light of reality, helps us to be grounded within, as

88
 grief is so very personal. And it can
never be erased, it can only be carried.
Still, life comes with its beauty, as we
integrate this defining loss within our
very being. They become a part of us.
But with the rolling of time, they begin
to melt in the hearth of life. It gives an
unending joy as we try to go beyond
understanding as to what grief ever
showed its face, as to why tragedy ever
struck our lives. Just to live it through
the process of loss turning us upside
down, and still coming out of the
whirlpool alive. Doesn’t mean, the
nights are not going to cry, it just means
the night knows how to make a way for
the light.
For our friends to witness this searing
pain, can be difficult for them, as grief is
very intense in nature. As the energy
within seems to sink to the
unfathomable lows, so much so, waking
up in the breath of a new day can be
the hardest part of all. There is a day
inviting you to with a new beginning, but there you are, trying to find a comfort in
that numbness. The morning is bringing a fresh scent, yet you want to live in the
scent of your past.
And you whisper to yourself. Time never brings relief. Words do not bring relief.
Then what does and what will? Just be open, be love to yourself and be love to all
those who show up at your life. Let them in your life, let them just share their
hearts with yours, even though your grief is exclusively yours. It never belongs to
others. Even though, it is your path, not theirs. Still, open the doorway to the free
flowing of love that wants to rain in from the thousand hearts. As you let this rain
in, your own bathing might seem possible someday, somehow when the right

89
 moment knocks your heart. You never
know, when, how that moment is going
to make its arrival—still live in the light
of love, as it is the only thing whose light
lives in eternity. It burns with an
enduring light. All else fades with time.
Such is the truth of life.
Such is my meeting of grief in a world
that does not understand it. Such is my
seeing of life through a different lens
when the world sees it through another
lens. No words will ever fix things. Life
will never be normal again. As grief will
always find an inescapable connection. It
will always show its cruelty in the face of
blooming phases of life. Yet I will live
inside this loss, carving a beauty out of it.
I will have to greet life in many seasons
that come and go. Every season will
bring the best of its smiles. And my heart
will always smile back with all that my
heart holds. Yet, it will be a different
smile.
Through such a slog of agony, do we find a companionship and support inside this
wordless grief. With time, we learn how to take shelter in it. Yes, it gave a
different meaning to life, yet it shelters those who are struck by grief. You don’t
have to wander around, feeling helpless, homeless. Grief can be your companion
that can unfold your life in ways that can reveal beauty that you never thought
had existed. Carrying grief with you, you never really move on, you only move
forward. Embracing such a reality can reveal the light of realization, the light of
self-acceptance. As grief is the most painful form of love. As you carry grief inside
you, you carry love with you. As we integrate grief into life, we integrate pain into
love. While we recognize such loss, we step forward carrying those we have lost.
As we carry them with us in a way that is invisible to this world, we see this world,

90
 this life again, albeit differently. We live
life again, in another way. It not may be
the rest of the world’s way.
Yet, sunrise is still a sunrise as we look
through the eyes of love. Such is the
light that helps us to behold the beauty
in a breaking dawn. The light will
always fall on our souls. Just that
somedays, the breath gets lighter,
somedays, it gets monumentally
heavier. Some days, we live from the
laughter of our hearts, laughing and
talking to those we are carrying inside
of us. But days do come, when the
laughter dies away in the facing of
shattering reality, that someday, some
time, they already breathed their last
breath.
By seeking out the places that
companion our sadness, by seeking out
people who let their love companion
our wordless agony, do we get the light
of support. The melancholy rising in the
hearts will somehow find their tunes. No tune ever really gets lost. Somehow it
will always knock your heart to find the missing lyrics. Somehow those lyrics will
find their place again in some space of your heart. There will always be that music
that will light up a deep sadness in that part of your inner space, where you are
trying to run away from. Yet that music will sing anyway. Honor that music. Do
not run from it. As it companions those times you had with the ones you lost. It
companions your grief, it shelters you in a world that fails to understand.
You meet grief in your way, not in the way the world wants you to meet. You are
moving forward in a life that you did not ask for, but nevertheless it is here, and
you are living it with another lens. That may not be the world’s lens, but it is your

91
 lens. Honor your vision. As you are you—
a beautiful you. There is none like you,
never before was born a beauty
blooming in sadness, and never after will
be born another you, who has released
the fragrance of soul. Every fragrance is
unique in their story to tell, in their truth
to whisper. Every soul that lives gives
birth to a flower, releasing its unique
essence in this world. No two flowers will
ever be same. Yet each flower is
undeniably beautiful in their own way.
Navigating grief can be our own personal
journey. Yet it is a journey that the world
is unprepared for. Sadly enough, the
world does not see grief in its eye. The
world meets grief through their eyes. It is
the keen ability to meet sadness though
the eyes of it, the need to sit with it in
solemn silence, to go through it, to walk
with it, to carry it with you and yet come
out alive and feel life is beautiful, one
more time.
Walking away from pain will have to pay a high cost. It never truly dies away,
rather it shows up all over the place. So, its better to be a witness to our own
pain. If it absorbs us, then so be it. But amidst the engulfing pain, if we fight
fiercely for kindness and beauty, that fight can show us the doorsteps of life, once
again. You companion yourself the best way possible, finding beauty, meaning
again in your life in the refuge of art that fills your heart. You let your soul travel
through the landscape of art, so it can give colors again to your inner landscape.
It may take time again to find those colors, but life will find you somehow, as gaze
at it through the eyes of your soul. As the look that arises from there holds the
wisdom of ages. Such is the wisdom that finds its way to your inmost places. Will

92
 you find the stronger colors of life again?
Possibly no. But as you continue to travel
through grief, the softer colors of life will
paint your soul again. Emotional
numbness will bring the paling of colors,
but still they will be colors nevertheless.
The intensity of grief may make it
impossible to feel the relating to one’s
own self or sing at the vibrancy of life.
Yet, there will be a song anyway.
We can still be a music to other’s ears.
Just the keys, tones, pitch and lyrics will
change--the music will go on
nevertheless. Dreams will still come to
fill your heart, but the vibrancy may pale
in the dimmer music of your soul. In days
of past, while you wander time and time
again, we can make new memories along
the way. So, our hearts can smile again.
They may not be a blooming smile, yet
they are smiles nevertheless.
Our eyes will sparkle again with sunlight,
curiosity and laughter. Just that a
subdued smile will find its way rising through the soul, desperately trying to hold
on to life through art, trying to find shelter in creativity, trying to find the deepest
companionship through the fulfilling beauty of art. Art that knows how to give
words to wordless grief, art that travels with us to all that chokes our throats—
such is the art that grieving souls seek solace in.
When we glance in the direction of life, we hold our gaze, a look that is mixed
with confusion and enigma—whispering” Life could you be so unforgiving? Does
your beauty come with cruelty? Is this how you reveal yourself? “. Despite the
myriad questions that surface through the mind, the heart still finds a way to

93
 again to believe in beauty to believe in
kindness. So, what, it is a different beauty
now, life is still a beauty. It will not be a
vividly compelling beauty anymore,
nevertheless, it is still a beauty that has
struggled to shine amidst the falling tears.
Sadness is more than a shade of nightfall.
It is a feeling of a descending eclipse
inside of you and around you, in whatever
you do and wherever you roam. It walks
with you, it sits with you. The eclipse
never leaves you. The eclipse merely
darkens the vibrancy of life that you had
before the loss. Yet it is still a life. And
now you are not alone as you walk, as you
sit, as you wander around. You are
carrying whom you lost, in every moment
of your life. What may seem ruined, may
appear to be a refuge for us seeking joy
amidst grief, seeking smiles amidst the
falling rain of heart.
Mourn as you need to. With the rolling of
time, those waters will roll your emotional
sleeves and get you to rise albeit slowly, to want again, to love again, to feel
again, in the invitation of life. Will you go back to the same dance that you once
danced in the ecstasy of life? Possibly no. Yet, it will be a dance, just a different
one, in all ways. Doesn’t mean the dance is over. Just that, the liveliness of dance
has dimmed as a part of you is carrying your lost loved one. And that carrying
grips you in a way, which the world will never understand. But you are at your
best, blooming with your fragrance anyway, dancing your heart again, with or
without your loved one.
You will stay up late at night. As that is when the sky seems so close to you, and
your loved ones begin to twinkle as a galaxy in the sky. The world has fallen to

94
 sleep, so there you are most intimate
with the silence, and sharing your heart
with the stars, whispering your deepest
sadness to the sky. As you know, the
night will understand your broken
beauty, that the world fails to
understand.
The peak of light may have gone down in
your life, the sun may have set slowly
down with grace, yet it still left a light
behind, with which you can walk the rest
of the journey. And what looks so dim,
right now, may seem to be radiant in the
coming sunrise for the days ahead. Yes,
universe will seem to be somewhat
different now. But those who seem to be
gone, are never truly gone in the horizon
of life. They live in the light of eternity.
In the newborn blue of sky, they appear
as morning star, inviting you to see their
beauty again, calling you to clasp their
beauty again, just in a different way.
Quieter and yet more quiet may grow
your life, quiet as the soft mist that speaks of a wordless sadness, you grow close
to this brooding quietness. And in the tenderness of silence, you and this
quietness grow close to each other, seeming to give an understanding
companionship to each other. Your very heart that sank in sadness, may give
birth to the emotions rising from the sea of your soul, that may fly from summit
to summit, to scatter light from the broken pieces of you. Nevertheless, it is still
light, it is just a transformed light that took your wordless grief and gifted the
universe with its sacred alchemy.
So, you who wakes in sorrow, can wake in peace-- a spreading peace all over and
all around. And how beautiful everything seems. Pain seems to melt a little every

95
 day with every word it finds in this new
light that it gives, out of its newborn
beauty. You look into its eyes and every
time you look into the eyes, all you feel is
a solace—the spreading solace in the
middle of a loss, that gifts you the smile
of your heart.
So, the most devastating loss will not
make your darker, but it will make you
deeper. So even after the loss has come
to your life, you find the soft, soothing
beauty and fragrant calm of life. It was
those days before sorrow touched your
life, that come to your mind at times—
how smooth the brook of your life was
flowing. Your life is never quite the same
again, once that cold touch of loss has
been laid upon your life. Some losses
never leave you, just learn to carry them,
wherever you go and in whatever you do,
in the light of your love that will burn in
eternity.
As more tears rush from the depths of
your soul, the losses pile up. But with the rolling of time, you will see that there is
a life beyond loss, there is a life beyond grief. A life where you can find beauty,
tenderness, and kindness. They will always have their calm fragrance in the rush
of joy, they will always spread their beauty even when life seems to set its most
unforgiving blow. As all that is worth having, all that is beautiful can be carried
alongside with your loss.
You will be richer all your life for the sorrows. That loss, that grief will pierce all
your sadness with a light that is richer than the darkness that may brood over
your mind. Hidden inside the moments of a defining loss, is the feeling of an eye-
opening light. One that brings strength and sustenance.

96
 The world does not listen to our loss.
The world more listens to the joy that
keeps people drunken. But rarely does
the world realize, amidst the people who
are sinking in the sea, rises a desperate
cry that reaches this universe. And
somewhere in this universe, a light is
born from the despairing darkness. Such
the light that reaches from one end to
another end.
When you lose someone, who is next to
your soul, the only place where you can
find that person again is inside your
memories. Memories never do betray
the heart that loves them. Rather they
show you the pathway, so eventually
you find the penetrating light that will
rise through, so you can break through
and rise from the glacier of grief. In a
world that doesn’t make space for loss,
we shun grief, we cover our faces with
some broken smiles.
Often times, we carry the unexpressed,
un-acknowledged pain. But somehow, from somewhere deep within, that
unexpressed pain seeks an expression, as every pain needs an outlet. It pushes
and pushes until it finds its voice. Some yell in outrage, others create a beautiful
lyric out of it. When grief fails to speak, that’s when art begins. Behind every
music, lives some richest wisdom of soul. However long it takes, your heart will
carve out a beautiful life amidst this devastating grief, which shows its impossible
face. Did anyone of us want loss? No, of course not. Yet it is here nevertheless.
Finding the light of happiness does not take away the pain of loss. They never
take away each other. We carry both of them. Love and pain will find some
amazing ways to live together, to accept one another and still be able to co-exist.

97
 It will be a life of our own making. Life,
the most beauty it can bloom with, given
what is ours to live. We can write our
grief, in a way, so once it is released from
the ink of our hearts, it never escapes us.
Rather it lives to create something
beautiful, something meaningful. The
coexistence of life and pain, after your
heart begins to rise from the frozen
glaciers of grief—show you the light of
unleashing possibilities.
When grief changes what you love, you
are not the same soul anymore. Your
vision changes, you see life and this
world from another perspective. Life that
had always been beautiful, suddenly
become cruel. Life that had always been
irresistibly sweet, suddenly showed its
hardness. How true, yet how sad it is.
Yet, amidst all this is the vibrancy of life
rising again and again. And for a surviving
soul, the vibrancy comes again, but in
some softer colors that gently touch the
soul. The intense emotions of life come
again, but the intensity gets somewhat subdued, as you feel with a different heart
now.
Not that you never felt before. But you learnt how to blow things off in the
fleeting nature of reality. You learned, nothing lasts forever, nothing lives forever,
and beauty only lives for this little span of time. It is the memories where you
seek a refuge in eternity. Sooner or later, that it shows the life that reveals itself
such.
Joy and pain begin to learn how to co-exist at the same time inside your heart.
They sit with each other. You surge and fall at the same time in the wild pull of

98
 them both. But with the waves of both,
somehow, someway, you learn how to
flow with the push and pull of life. Such is
the swimming in the currents of life, the
way they come.
It turns out life is a house built from the
bricks of joy and sorrow. And the most
moving poems of our hearts are made of
the same lyrics that rise from a joy that
made its way through sorrow. Hidden
among the sorrow are some of the
deepest relics. Yet finding that joy won’t
be moving away from sorrow. It will
never be forgetting. There is nothing you
can do about this. It is a process of
natural unfolding.
What joy are you carrying on a life
beyond loss? How has beauty coincided
with grief, and what does it hold for you?
Being allowed to seek refuge in grief,
without feeling to push it away, without
taking a run from it, makes it easier, so
natural, all in the unfolding of things.
Suffering can be helped by our conscious choice. Grief however, is helpless. The
story about your grief is a story both about your pain and suffering. Diving into
your pain, writing out your grief, can be the most natural thing to do that makes it
easier, to bear it, to breathe in it, and to seek refuge in it. Grief can best be
released when you let it flow in the waters of a running brook than you trying to
catch its throat and make it drown beneath the running currents. No flow comes
from there and no flow will ever come. So, a wordless agony at last finds a way to
write out all that is sitting so heavily on you. And your breathing becomes lighter.
And once again, you can see beauty amidst loss, so joy and pain come to sit again
side by side. They can face each other and can learn how to dwell in a peaceful

99
 harmony, knowing nothing is make
things right, but nothing is going to make
it wrong either. As life comes in all its
shades, it shows its stronger as well as
softer colors. We can come back to
ourselves with respect and kindness. And
with all that beauty of kindness, we have
to survive with what is ours to live. We
are some loving broken hearts who
return to living life again, just not living
the “normal” life the way we used to.
And we face a world that is not ready to
understand it.
After the loss leaves a crater in our life,
fear grips us. But acknowledge this fear.
Bu tin acknowledging this fear, can we
keep it away from escalating. As
admitting the truth about the situation,
rather than pushing it away leaves us
with some ways to face this fear. What
we fear, most often times, is not really
happening that pushes us to see the light
of truth rather than living in an illusion of
fear. The illusion that follows right after
the loss has left its glaring crater in your life. And it is a natural outcome of loss.
So, taking a refuge in grief, but at the same time, learning to live in the light of
truth, than following the illusion of fears can help in surviving intense loss. It’s a
new way to look at grief-a different way than the world looks at it. I understand, it
is not your way—nevertheless, this is the way through which grace comes in the
way of understanding and kindness.
Losing someone who loved you, means losing someone who shared your life with
you, who shared your thoughts, way of life and that losing. And you no longer
face the issue of –Did they die last year or a year before that? As time flies for you
too fast. You don’t even know to define the loss in the world of time. You just

100
 know, deep down , this is an void beyond
words, staring into an empty black hole,
that stares back at you, that left you
speechless in agony. You can neither
scream or cry, knowing nothing ever you
do or say, will fill the hole. A loss that
should have never happened but
happened anyway. A life that should
have never ended but ended anyway.
But how do you live with all that that is
left—how do you live with all that is
yours’ to live for the rest of your life?
You find a solace in art. As art is that
missing link that fills that hole, that
gently meets the crater that has been
created in your life. Some things are best
answered in the beauty of art, as there is
a music that art carries, there is a
melody that it plays which can reach
your heart, when life seems to be
unforgivingly cruel. It lets the grace of
understanding, the gentility of
compassion to silently flow in and touch
you in ways that you never imagined or
thought possible. It brings out the most fundamental emotions that seem so
forgotten while living in the faster lanes of life.
The truth that breathes in art is the invisible way it unites a person with life again,
with the soul again. Such is the refuge where you can go and seek comfort in the
face of a loss staring at your face. So, your life does not imitate happiness. It finds
happiness again through the heart of art. It reveals the wondrous pathways
through which light pours in again at that dark crater, so your eyes which blink to
see the world, can be awake gradually in the calling of divine. Such is the divinity
shows the face again through the light of art, the calling of creativity, the path of
passion. Follow your passion that leads you to the light of life. As such is the light

101
 that can fill you through. It carries the
kindling views of life, that can ignite you
slowly and gracefully, understanding your
living with grief, honoring you carrying it
around yet trying to live life with all that is
left. Understanding you, your journey
with grief, can only be done in the light of
patience and just being a witness to the
rolling of yourself in the passage of time.
time never brings relief is the main thing
of this grief. You will feel lighter, you will
feel heavier. Things may spin rapidly in
the blink of a moment. And there you will
be just hopelessly and helplessly watching
all, not being able to do anything.
Such is the light that will walk you through
by just being a witness so it can carry you,
in the needed understanding, needed
faith, that despite all that is and was, you
will make it through and find the beauty
again. The beauty that can see the rising
smiles amidst the rolling pain out of a
lonesome heart, that beauty that knows
not how to stop despite the falling tears.
Such is the understanding that will walk you through the difficult emotions that
keep flowing and flow they must to heal and to feel joy again.
Life will never be the same in every way, yet life will be life after all. No matter
how you see it, you will walk through the lonely woods in the carrying of light. It
may seem flickering at times, but it will burn steadily and strongly to carry you
through. It will never cease, till you know that there is a life to be found, a life to
be felt despite all the tossing and turnings you have gone through. Your tossing
and turning will bring you out stronger and brighter. Such is the glow of a light
that walks through the rolling grief with faith and fearlessness. No matter how
you look at it, no matter how may times you question life, it still is life, after all.

102
 And your very breath is a gift, the
dawning day is a wonder held in the joy,
if only you can open your eyes and see
through it. Saying this never takes away
your pain. It never makes it erased, but it
makes it easier.
You can no longer love what you have
loved, the same way. At times you close
your eyes and surrender yourself to grief.
You take refuge in feeling helpless,
hopeless. Seems like that is your ultimate
sinking place, where you can let go of all
your energy and just surrender to things
the way they are. The truth strikes much
later after the loss, that it never really
can be trapped in the world of time. The
years passed by, the months, the hours
can never really contain grief. Grief just
flows and flows anyway outliving the
definition of time. But with time, you
learn how to move with it, carrying it
invisibly within you, with you. You two
form such an understanding
companionship.
It doesn’t mean, life does not flow for you anymore. It just means that you strain
to hear the whisper or murmur of the sweetest melodies of life. Doesn’t mean
you can not hear them. It just means your hearing will be different from others.
At times, you hear nothing. As you let the shock settle into your mind. The
gastliness of nothing, because you cannot relate to life the way you used to
before. Doesn’t mean that you do not mean the flow of life. Just means, life does
not playfully whisper to your heart anymore.
You become crystallized within. You stare at things in a rather intense way.
Sometimes you stagger beneath the heaviness of grief, the immensity of

103
 aloneness. The grief that speaks its
whispers unheard to the world but
heard to you wherever you go. And you
try your desperate best to rise through it
and listen to the ever- flowing music of
life. You wear some beautiful smiles, but
at times, it will scare you to keep
wearing it every day. What if you run out
of it? What it looked like when sunlight
actually lit your soul, years back prior to
your loss? What if the world
understands, happiness is running out of
you? What if they see you through your
broken smiles? What then?
You are nothing but a shell of a person
you once were. Everybody deals with it
their own way, you in yours, me in mine.
Somebody loathes the world, some body
runs from it, some others walk with
some mask of happiness, but it will
always be an attempt to perform at the
very best. There comes a time, when
you turn, look back and you find the
waters dried, and you no longer weep.
You just carry some frozen sorrow inside.
Remembrances fall from heaven. Time comes with a gift of memory. Grief with a
glass that runs fills your heart with some yesterday’s past. The love that you carry
endures with a breath, all that came and all that left in the blink of an eye, in the
rushing of wind, in the blowing of breeze, and before even you know it, it has
gone away with the wind. Night, the shadow of light descends on your soul and
life, the shadow of death has flown away from someone whom you once loved.
Your years can be just a pile of dead leaves on the ground, the leaves that once
gave the heavenly bowers to so many wearied souls, now lie there so helplessly
on the earth. You wander off, walking through the streets that seem emptier than

104
 before. The life you thought you knew,
you never really knew it in the first place.
The world you thought would end is still
having the dance of their day. Its just
your dance that ceased forever. Doesn’t
mean you will never dance again. Just
means, you will make some pathetic
attempts to have a rhythmless dance.
Yet, it is still a dance anyway. The
unending void that follows, the emptiness
that laughs at your face, the unceasing
succession of moments in which you
come face to face with
meaninglessness—you become used to
that life and a time comes, when that
meaninglessness becomes your very life.
While others walk on the streets, you
walk on a frozen river. While others flow
as a running brook, you walk on the
frozen sorrow. At times, you breathe hard
to be able to breathe in full. That heavy
breathing becomes the breath of your
life. The sunlight will rain down on you
like before, as if to shine a light on your
solitude, and you will want to cry out at it, “Why did you take him?” Life has a
place of infinite wonders. Why not a place for one more life? But life came in its
own way, with its own surprise visit to him, to take away his last breath. Such is
the visit from life to him, that came and went in the most unexpected timing and
the untimely way possible. Such is grief, such is the cutting pain—yet amidst that
there comes a time, when you find healing in its shelter. You learn in the passage
of time, you feel with a feeling so deep, that what once gave you a wordless pain
eventually somehow gives you a light, to rise and wake up with the ending of a
night. The darkness will somehow make a way for the rising sun in the sky. The
endless blues will show again, albeit in a different manner. Yet, they are the
heaven’s choicest sapphires.
105
 Chapter 5….
Stages of Grief
The passage of grief is the process that takes us from numbness
to meeting life through understanding. The path however long
it may be, gives out a beautiful light. From sadness, arises the
most beautiful harmony. It reflects the faith you have in the
light of life, the mysterious beauty unfolding at some stage. It is
a journey of self-discovery, from being frozen in grief to melting
in the light of a new horizon. Reaching out to grief and taking
the hand is the beginning of a new journey. Sometimes, the
beautiful vista can never be found without getting lost. It is an
intimate view of the journey from sadness to a penetrating
glimpse into the heart of life. It immerses you into a journey
that is heartbreaking, but in the end, heartwarming.

106
You look into your soul with a transparent honesty, your
fearless walking through the losses, as you travel from place to
places of grief, looking for the ultimate purpose of life. The
entire pathway becomes a sacred landscape of life. The journey
may seem for eternity, and in a way, it is, but from the heart of
that heart wrenching pain, will someday arise a light of hope,
joy, beauty and faith. While you are toiling in your journey,
meanwhile both sunlight and the rain of grief are moving across
your inner landscape, over the mountains and meadows, the
rivers and the trees.
But however long the toiling seems to be, love is the light that
pulls you out to life, and always returns to kiss your soul when a
sunrise seems to break through the way. Time is the wave upon
the shorelines of your soul. While it takes away some things
from your life, it is the very wave that will bring ashore
something new, which will invite you to fall in love with life
again. You just have to have faith in the long slog of grief,
where you write your grief on the page of your heart. And your
wailing shores send that memoir to the heaven above.

107
 The spring can be tender again in the
beauty of green, if we can understand
our grief. Everyone grieves differently.
The entire process of grief is so very non-
linear. You may face sudden setbacks
while you are on this process. For you to
recover and see the light again, every
moment needs to be nurtured with the
healing waters of patience, kindness, and
an unending compassion.
When these follow the personal journey
of grief, the process will unfold naturally.
Loss hits different people differently, how
it strikes someone, tells us how long it is
going to take that person to come to the
understanding of their personal grief. We
all experience grief differently, and our
expression can be entirely unique. Some
people’s sadness may seem to be very
pronounced, while others may choose to
keep that grief to themselves, grieving in
silence and privacy. The manifestation
may be different in vary and intensity.
Take time to sit with your grief-- to
understand it and not to judge it. This understanding may give you and your grief
a wonderful companionship, in which you do not have to run away from it, rather
you can sit with it, in a companionable silence.
Denial……When we learn of a sudden loss, shock strikes us and suddenly we feel
the inner light dying out. The entire body, mind becomes surprisingly numb,
leaving us incapable of feeling something, or feeling anything at all. Such is our
reaction when we face a sudden onset of overwhelming emotions. As denial
seems to give solace in a strange way. As the truth becomes a blow, reality
becomes the heaviness that we tend to run away from. But a fear of something
only strengthens it. The more we deny, the more it chases us.

108
 Anger…….As reality sets in, you may feel
frustrated, helpless, and a sudden rage
may come and grip you. You may direct
these feelings towards other people, a
higher power, or even the loved one who
has passed away, leaving you alone.
Depression…Understanding the loss
affects our lives and sadness becomes so
intense. It sits a little heavily on us.
Loneliness sets in as we feel
overwhelmed by the sudden rush of
emotions. We carry our secret sorrows,
which the world knows not. And those
are the times, we call a person cold,
when inside it is all sadness, showing its
way.
Rehearsing the Past--During this process
of understanding your journey of grief,
you will go back and forth a thousand
times, thinking…What if you could have
done things better? Would the outcome
have changed? The mind will rush back
and forth so many times, as such is the
way, eventually that the heart settles in the reality of the loss. This is the preface
to acceptance. All acceptances go through a phase of restless chattering with
one’s own self. No acceptance goes without this replaying the past, over and over
again.
Acceptance--Although sadness till grips you, you might be able to accept the
reality of your loss. And with this acceptance, comes peace, knowing what is gone
can never be brought back. The life that we once had, has seen a sunset, and the
life that will emerge will have another light of another day. Sunrise still will look
the same, albeit differently. You are fighting yourself along the journey of grief
and somewhere along this journey, you come to terms with your loss. The road is

109
 never easy, yet at the end, it may make
things easier, smoother for a healthier
living.
How much grief is too much?
Your grieving heart—Surrender to grief,
to find your way through it. At the very
beginning, when your grief seems to be
raw and fresh, never obstruct the flow of
it. The relieving thing is—let it flow the
way it needs to flow. You must
experience the full impact of the
overwhelming loss. Let it wash over your
soul naturally. Never run away from it.
Follow it, cry your heart out, but never
suppress it. It is your grief, not the
world’s to understand. As you experience
it, surrender to your grief. Be around
those who silently stand to witness your
grief.
In the depths of your despair, you may
not see the wisdom of grief--the process
of it, how it unfolds. Much later, in
retrospect, one day you will realize how it
let it sweep you along a healthier life. Just trust the grief. As painful as this
process is, grief can be your understanding companion and one day, it will
eventually guide you back to life. Mourning lets the process of grieving flow
naturally. It is the beginning to understanding grief. Allow yourself, as long as it
takes, fully and freshly. Never put it away, rather open yourself up to it. That is
the essential step to healing.
Experience all the despair and frustration, that gives words to the unbearable
sorrow. Someday, as it recedes slowly, it will give you the words to lessen it, if not
to erase it. In experiencing grief, as long as it is changing and moving in a fluid
way, it is normal grieving. Grief will wax and wane. There may come the times of a

110
 serene calmness, and a break from the
falling tears. And suddenly, you are
pushed to your knees again by the
intensity of grief. This is the normalcy of
grief. It will recede with the passage of
time. You will come back to meet life
again, with fond remembrances in your
heart, ready to embrace life again
without your loved ones by your side.
The length and breadth of your grief are
ruled by the relationship between the
bereaved and the deceased, and the
circumstances of the loss. The way to
heal from this devastating loss is to be
gentle with yourself and show yourself
enough patience. Grieve in your own
way, taking your own time. It is your
bereavement, not theirs. You have
nothing to offer to the world, as your
very own is shaken off. Cling to hope. It is
never going to be alright, but you will
survive to see the light someday. Trust
the grief—go where it takes you. And
someday, you will rise again to meet life
in the light of a new day. Just not today.
You will come to accept the feeling of not knowing where you are going. But you
will have to trust your journey in grief. It will push your wings to unravel and
begin your flight. And as you fly into the deep unknown, you still may not know,
where you are headed to. Where you will land will be told by grief. Have faith in
your journey, as the very grief that is hitting you will someday show a light, that
will break a new beginning in this seemingly impossible life. The hope is in
unfolding of the wings. Just spread the wings and fly, the winds of life will carry
you and beautiful may be your landing. But just for now, keep flying having faith
that the grief that is crushing you today, will someday make you survive. The

111
 breathing words will be of a hope of a
beginner. From grief, will arise hope,
someday, somehow. Just keep trusting
the companionship of grief. Such is the
faithful companionship of grief. It never
leaves you, yet it gives you a light from
where another life emerges. Such is the
new light which takes our hand and
gently leads us back to life again .so that
which seemed so lost is not lost and
somehow sees another shore. Who
would not want to see that shore?
When the swimming gets too high, and
there is the cry to see the shorelines,
that is the moment when the light wraps
you in its arms. There will always be a
part of you that will miss your loved one.
But eventually, you will make peace with
yourself, and that is the most important
thing of all. Eventually, you will be able
to smile again amidst the weeping loss.
The companionship of grief will
somehow walk you through its
constancy, immediacy, its unrelenting
physical pain. You will sometimes stare at the pile of discarded remnants and
think of your loved one—Did he touch that pillow there? Does his scent still linger
on the blanket? A terrible emptiness will settle into your chest. No matter how
much you go about living, there will always be reminders that will make your loss
fresh again. Your life will be challenging as you move through the “world in
between” an ending and a beginning. While one foot will be stepping forward,
another foot will always be stuck in the sands looking at the years back. This is
your transitioning life between loss and beginning, where you visit time and time
again, as you go through the unfamiliar, uncomfortable life. It can be confusing,
painful beyond words, but somehow, someday, the pain will cease its cutting, and
a healing will flow. What is impossible will someday seem possible. Everything
112
 that was worth having will have to be
carried in your heart. Tucked inside those
moments of great sadness, will somehow
give a comfort and relief, a refuge in
some senses that the world will fail to
understand in ways that you understand.
Such is the companionship between grief
and you, as it is yours. Just have trust in
the process of grief. Grieving is a process,
a journey. Have faith that somehow
while going through this entire process,
you will heal and see the light of life
again. You let him go once, but every
new day will demand that you release
him over and over again. The pain of
your loss will return, but still
considerable. At times, it will take hold of
you. But with time, you will bear it.
Through the coming seasons of your life,
you will shine again. You will head on in
your pilgrimage of life. In unending hope
and love, new ness of each rising dawn,
bringing forth nourishing sunrise, peace
of sunsets, your soul will be enkindled
one more time with joy and laughter, flowing in a running brook of awakening
and pure sharing, with a heart that once knew hurt, pain and loss. At times, your
sorrow will be soft, of water and tears. But sorrow, in the real sense may not be
soft at all times. Sometimes, it will be a burning flame, and a rock. The person you
were moments ago died, with the death of a loved one. But a new you will be
reborn in the light of a new vision, where you come to terms with carrying your
loved ones rather than living with them. You carry them with you, rather than
sharing this life with them. The ground beneath your feet will be fractured, so you
will walk on the crust. Yet, walk you must, to keep from falling through. You push
it down inside you, into that fresh grave of all that is left of what you once
thought your world would be. Times will come when you can only nod as
113
 emotions will roll in like a storm. You will
clench your teeth and swallow hard to
mask your loss, that will threaten to
overcome your calm, cool exterior. You
will do anything to put up with your pure
tranquility. Yet through all this burying
inside, will rise a light someday,
somehow. Sad, slow music will rise
through your hearts in the first hours of
the morning. Through the wonders of a
falling dew, the music will begin to sing
with the rising sun and eventually, there
will come a time, when your heart will
tune in to the happy tunes too. It takes a
lifetime to feel this truth, but still it will
never be a lifetime. Things will light up as
you allow yourself open to feeling all
kinds of feeling that follows loss. And with
time, the seemingly impossible situation
will seem possible in the first light of a
new day. Grief will sometimes stay past
its first hard hit. But it will blow its breath
onto you sometimes. There will always be
days when you feel heavier, but then
amidst that heaviness, in some strange way you will find a light that helps you to
also take refuge in it, so as to hold on to the joy you once had with your loved
ones. There you will find a path, from loss to hope. You will have to release your
feelings when you will feel the hit coming. Its all part of the process of having to
let go of your treasured relationship with your lost loved one, just remember,
letting go is not the same thing as forgetting. But in the light of rising, you will
begin to recognize that there was a part of you that was stronger than you could
ever have imagined. How you can stand up once again in the light of life. How it
becomes your choice whether to sink or float. That is the comforting refuge of
grief—the light that rises from grieving. Such is the light that makes you stronger
than ever.
114
Chapter 6………
Pausing with Grief
A pause will gift you a breathing space, so listen to the
messages of grief, its wailing whispers, so you face it eye to eye,
sit with it in an understanding silence and then walk through it.
To get back in touch with the life that can breathe in a meaning
to you, pause and take a deep breath. With every breath you
will discover the light of your journey through grief.
In that pause you recognize long-buried grief and before you
burn out, this pausing will help you to be in touch with the
melody of life again. The melody that takes you to a greater
fulfillment in the years ahead, knowing there is a breath to be
found beyond this impossible grief. So, you will no longer be
trapped by the dense clouds of sorrow. So, dawn will break in
to carry the light for your frozen heart, once again.

115
Behold your life in a pause. To live in the moments that are left
behind, is never to live in the past, but to live in a love that was
once shared in a wordless joy. The art of finding happiness lies
in knowing how to be in a companionship with grief, how to
push away your fears and embrace grief as your own, accepting
that your grief belongs to you. Pausing and beholding reality
furthers your understanding of your journey though grief.
Everyone who dies leaves something behind. Something that
their heart crafted with the love of their soul, and the moment
they are gone, you look at those remnants and they becomes
the hidden relics of your yesterday. As you journey carrying
those relics in your heart, you know in the path of grief, you are
never truly alone. It then becomes a shared journey.
Togetherness becomes its spirit. Such is the spirit that will carry
you through the long slog of what seems to be an unending
journey through grief. Then comes the moment when you will
stop wrestling with your grief and look at it as the heartfelt
companion who has traveled with you all this while to make
your journey more bearable and breathable in love.

116
 Never rush with grief. As you cannot rush
grief, in the literal sense of the word. It is
never an obstacle that you endure. Pause
and let grief guide you. Never try to
control grief. As that may lead to
complexity of life, that you least
expected.
The biggest gift you can give yourself is in
acceptance of the grief journey, honoring
the truth that grief is a passage, it is a
journey. And it is a long slog of pain and
tears, one that you can never escape,
should never run away from. The more
you resist it, the more it is going to run
after you. So, accept it and walk the path,
as someday it is grief that will show you
the light.
The process of grief is never linear. It is
actually non-linear. It is detailed out in its
own complexities. If you rush to begin a
new life as fast as you can, then it can
break you down to tears at the most
inopportune times, that the world will fail
to understand. such is the complicated path of grief. Never compel grief to follow
you. Rather, you follow the path of grief. As this is your journey following the
footsteps of grief. And have faith in it, knowing someday, what is crushing you
today, will bring you to the light.
Grief can also be a great teacher bringing back many forgotten memories, lessons
and laughter. If grief is knocking on your heart today, then let it in. Open the door
and welcome it, as it will lead you to the light that you are in search of. Pause with
grief, ask what it needs from you, sit with it, listen to it. Be welcoming to this
visitor and know this in your heart, that caring for this will result in a much richer,
fuller life even when you are carrying loss with you.

117
Chapter 7….
The Healing Power
of Grief
The journey though grief can be a poignant, heart-rending and
a very heart lifting journey, where every step gives us the
wisdom of transforming loss to peace, devastating grief to an
unending love. It is the journey where you bear the unbearable
pain, where you carry that which goes beyond carrying and in
such carrying of an invisible loss, you become intimate, tender
and fierce with yourself. So, you will meet your broken- hearted
you in a transformational space. So, the unprocessed grief
journeys through and through, and there is a new opening of
the relationship between loss and love.

118
Over time, grief can morph from an unwanted frightened
intruder to a more familiar, understanding companion. Losing
someone deeply changes us. Inescapably for the rest of our
lives, where it becomes painful beyond all imagination. And if
we push away grief, then grief bursts like a seedling though soil.
Never make grief so dense and compressed that someday it
resurfaces in a unthinkable manner. While we journey so
intensely through grief, we become more human. We
experience an alchemical transformation. Grief empties us and
all we feel is a staring emptiness. We let ourselves mourn in the
rolling of time, and by mourning, we evoke the memories and
invoke their joyful presence. We see the spreading darkness of
nights, and in doing so, can bring the light of our loved ones
into this world again. In a way, we gift the world with their
light, by mourning. That is when we fill this universe with the
light of their presence. We are the paradox. In bearing the
unbearable, we invoke their presence time and time again. Loss
sometimes finds no words in the face of an unspeakable
tragedy, instead gifts the world with their light again.
119
 Grief is a passage. But however long is
the passage, we emerge as the carriers of
light, not by denying the grieving, but by
walking through it. There lies the battle,
beauty and adventure through the loss
that once seemed so frightening. And
there emerges the beautiful, the
irreplaceable. You see the healing beauty
as your search begins. Your journey
continues through treading the path of
grief. As in this long slog, you will not lose
yourself. The path may seem so long, yet
somehow, you will find yourself again.
Light will be restored into your heart
again, not that it was never there, but
that the intensity of grief blinded you
temporarily, so you who lived in the light
of life once, began to sink in the sea of
sadness. As you rise and walk the path of
grief, toiling and treading, you begin to
see the buried light again. The light that
lights up the engulfing darkness, the light
that throws the pearls of wisdom into
your grieving heart.
Walking seems easier, the numbness gets felt, you are healed gradually as your
heart can feel again. You can see again, you can hear again. The nature begins to
knock your heart, and the universe unravels the wonders of delight. The light that
you see, sets you free from the pain of attachment to forms and gives you the
limitless light of embracing a spirit light. It seeks to fill the ache within you being
apart from your loved one. It needs a simple turning of the heart. Grief is a
process, a passage and you are just rolling your heart through the long, seemingly
unending passage. But once you roll through it, you will emerge with the
restoration of light of a new life. The life is never the same like before,

120
 nevertheless it is still an inviting life,
showing you the colors again. Is this the
life that you were prepared for? No,
never. Yet this is the life you have now,
so it is yours to live. Accepting the life
we have now, we find healing for our
brokenness. And we find freedom from
the stronghold the loss has gained in
our lives. Your life that was one
opposed, your love that was once
seemingly opposed, your hopes,
dreams, joy that all seemed so fiercely
opposed—gradually come to settle
down with peace as you settle down in
the light of life again. As you come to
terms with the loss of a physical form,
but the eternality of spirit remaining
with you, you seek refuge in grief.
Times may come when you might break
again, but for a short time as you seek
shelter knowing loss only ends a
physical form. It never really ends a
relationship. The light invades our
hearts, so we cannot be held to any sort
of bondage to our pain eternally. We choose to release, let out and love life again.
We choose not to fear, we choose to live. And that can be the light of truth, if only
we let ourselves accept the loss and move forward, while keeping in mind, it is
never a moving on, but a conscious choice of stepping forward in the trails ahead.
Such is the restoration of what your healed heart. The fragmentation that
happened from the defining loss of your life, the brutal breaking down that
followed right after the reality acceptance, that what you once had, is now held in
the photographs of your past, is now brought to whole by the light of healing,
that the spirit of your loved ones never really left you in the first place. What is
beautiful at the core, never truly died. It only companions you in the invisible way.

121
 It may seem like, we lose the beautiful
aspects of our being, like our ability to
sense keenly when we are overextended
in the flow of feelings, when we feel so
numb, that feeling becomes an
impossible thing to do. This happens
when the understanding of how to
navigate ceasing death of relationships
comes to our mind and we stare at it
helpless. But with time, we understand
the relationship lives in the light of
eternity. The physical form has died. But
the spirit goes on living. They have
traveled from the physical world to the
spirit world. Our acceptance of this
transitioning is never easy, nevertheless
this is the reality, we are left with.
In this realization, we also get back
gradually our own soul essence, with
which we were born. Every time, we
were fragmented from the severity of a
loss, we got fragmented into a thousand
pieces. We stare back at those pieces,
wondering will they ever make it a whole.
In the beginning, it may seem so impossible. With time, do we see, this impossible
thing becomes somewhat possible with the light of wholeness, as we behold the
eternality of spirit. There will always be visit from heaven, from time to time.
Every time, you shed a falling pearl of teardrop, the spirit was with you,
embracing you, clasping you to the heart. Feel the presence in the wisdom of your
soul. What is eternal, never really dies.
This is our journey from fragmentation to wholeness as we heal our broken self.
Sometimes, the pain we try hardest to hide becomes most visible to others. We
try to hide grief, so it becomes bigger and louder, that unspoken pain becomes so
very spoke, so very pronounced, the more we try to hide it artistically.

122
Chapter 8…
Life Beyond Grief
Grief can be a life changing emotion and also a life shattering
emotion. How we meet grief, how we handle it tells us if we
can find the light of happiness again. Whether we can survive
this life shattering loss and be able to thrive again, depends on
our journey through grief. The walking is long, yet you can
move beyond grief and loss. As you honor your grief, you honor
those memories and they become the living history.
With the rolling of time, you will find relief from grief. It will
come to visit you sometimes but will not come to sit so heavily
on you. How do you stand upright when life seems so heavy?
How do you transform the heaviest experiences of life into
some enlightening experiences of life? You will find your way
through grief one day. The sky will break so you can move in
light beyond grief and some new life will make its way.
123
Life piles up and how do we sort it all out? The only way to sort
everything out, would be to pass through each stage of grief, as
we walk through all of them. Accepting, embracing and growing
from grief all comes with an intensive peeping through all the
stages. No wisdom ever breaks through without walking
through the pathway of pain. Did we plan for it? Of course, not.
Yet, that is the pathway that has been divinely planned for us.
Every step might seem to be a rock that stands on the way, yet
in crossing every rock, do we glimpse the light of a new life. Will
we ever go back to the old life we once had? No, of course not.
Yet, this is still a life. Grief and love occur in much of a tandem.
To love means to open ourselves to sadness and
disappointment. At the same time, it can take us to the shores
of joy and fulfillment. Grief is labyrinthine. Walking through the
journey of grief can be a maze at times. Just when you think
you make it all through the hardest hours of grief, something
brings a smell of your past, and everything collapses in the most
awkward manner. Yet this journey will take your hand and lead
you to the light even when you were not ready to say good-bye.

124
 There remains amidst a defining loss—
that one thing, the words that remained,
not lost despite everything, the words
that pass through a frozen grief, that pass
through a sobbing agony, the brooding
darkness, the unbearable silence that
grips them all. Such are the words that
pass through and find a way and give
back a saga for all that happened. It
passes through and comes to light again,
enriched by everything.
There comes a time when you will
release some of it and will leave them in
the last year’s happenings. You will call to
yourself more love, and let yourself feel
the love around you, the love that is still
yours though the form has changed.
What did you leave behind in the
yesterday? What will you call to yourself,
in the years to come? Don’t you think, its
time to face those questions, that can
help you shift? Will you let yourself
dream again? Do you wish to release
anything and leave behind? When the
holidays cannot be happy, what will you do to gift even a bit of peace to your
soul?
Refusing to talk about loss does not make it go away. Rather release it, if possible
see if something can be left behind, while there are some things that need to be
carried for the rest of your life. The calling comes from the soul, and just listen to
it in the very flow that keeps you alive. Being alive, staying alive is an essential
part of beauty. Leave what you have to in the past and carry what you need to for
the remaining years of your life. As there are some things in life that can never
truly be erased, no matter how hard we try. We put up our very best to the world,

125
 but behind the closed doors, beneath
the falling tears, we are who we are, and
life sees us best, when we try to smile
through the rolling waters. You will
survive in this grief, as someone holds
your hand bearing witness to this
inescapable pain, understanding in
silence, that some losses go beyond
words. With time, you will build new life
alongside grief. You will find yourself
inside this life, that you never saw
coming, nevertheless it is the life you
have now.
Every loss has its bearing. As every loss is
very unique, and one of a kind. No two
losses are same. When someone you
love, dies, the light of life that you once
had dies with it. With time and
companionship of others, who truly
understand you, you step forward and a
new light emerges within you. This new
light is also a light, yet it somehow
seems to be somewhat less intense in
the eyes of your soul. The vibrancy dims
and you live in the light of this acceptance. As you accept this new life of yours, it
gets easier for you to breathe. You live life, its just not the same life the way it
was before.
The light of moving forward always shows in the flow of companionship. It can
never be corrected, it can never be taken away, it can only be carried by you, in
the days to come. Yet, this is still a life. You change what can be changed, and you
withstand what can never be changed. You allow grace in your life to flow with
the things that can only be accepted, as this grace makes your years livable. You
take what is yours, you take the love that you once shared with your loved one.
You take it with you, you carry it for both of you. Such carrying make your

126
 stepping forward heavier. Yet this is still a
walking forward, not a walking backward.
No photograph can truly recall the
moments with your loved ones. Yet they
make some captures of the love that you
once shared. Occasionally a glimpse of
someone sitting by the brook or walking
down the streets, will hit you with a
recollection of the past. And the
memories will seep through.
You run away yet you love them in a way,
knowing you had a visit from the past.
These visits from your past become a
journal of grief and joy, both at the same
time. Very few will understand the kind
of joy that arises from this pain. Every
pain still shows a face of joy, as every ruin
carries a hidden treasure in it. Deep in
your heart, your love is lying where you
weep alone.
You learn over time, that grief can be
heavy but also an anchor. You get used to
the heaviness, how it holds you in place.
And such is the truth that shines in its own light. If the world does not let you
stand in the truth of your tragic experience, then you can not let others to stand
in the truth of their own experience. If you cannot be with your own grief, then
you can never learn to live a life beyond grief. Being with your own grief, sitting
with it, gives you a comfort in a way that you get snuggled against .And it is that
warmth of love that sweeps you up, and you feel that light again in your spirit, in
your house, in the most daily moments that you ever had with your loved ones.
Time never brings relief from all these. What time does, is it makes a way through
the rolling of grief. As it rolls, it shows its many faces. And eventually you see the
face that lights up some warmth, some joy, some happiness in the hearth of your

127
 spirit, that almost seemed crushed. Such
is the life that begins to rise beyond grief.
Such is the way that relief comes in the
wordless way, knowing you honored grief
in the best way possible, you
ackowledged it in your deepest silence,
and yet you rose to see a face that can
light with hope again. It may not be so
vibrant at all the moments, nevertheless,
hope is still hope. You write out your grief
on the pages of your heart. You read
what you write. You go back there time
and time again, as many times as you
need to, so you get anchored within.
Yes, the stablity of yesterday’s picture
may have tilted a little bit. Yet it is still a
picture photographed in eternity. But
now you have your journey into an
unknown land. And the more you write
out your grief, the more stable feels the
ground beneath your feet. As grief is a
journey that travels across the terrains so
unknown, walking across the valleys and
mountains. You yield to your feelings and
let them carry you. In this carrying do you roam across and finally see the face of
light. A new horizon again. There is a life beyond this grief. It may not be a very
glimmering life in an ecstasy rushing all the time, nevertheless it is still a life. And
you reconnect with your life after this loss.
Moving beyond grief is a long journey, yet it holds the light. You see a light in the
horizon. It may not seem as much of a light, but it might be just enough to beat
the darkness. The nights will not seem so frighteningly silent anymore, the days
will not seem so long any more. And gradually your soul drinks in the light, in
whatever intensity it shows. This universe seems to show its colors again to your

128
 heart. Nature seems to be so rich and
heavy with elation, with the vision of
hope in the form of an angel bearing
light, on your awaiting trails.
Life is sudden and with it comes the bite
of fear and caressing of care, but amidst
the fear and care, hope looks up, for it
comes with such a smell of spring, to
come so suddenly to my heart, but to
turn and go away swiftly again. Yet in this
smelling, did it know all the things life
needed to say. This spring can be tender
again in the beauty of green, if we can
understand our grief. It’s the broken
heart that smiles again, as we bear the
unbearable pain. That bearing inside
becomes a lifelong companion for the
intensely difficult times that may seem to
never end, yet at some point they may
wither, but not end in the true sense of
the word.
The hard- hitting pain can eventually give
you an opening to feel what you feel, do
what you do and say what you need to say when life throws a most profound loss
in the sudden bend of your path. Just when you thought you were going straight,
you came to know, your life was never a straight line in the first place. Grief
comes with a mysterious beauty that is to be honored. At the end, it gives an
offering of wisdom from the heaven above to our broken hearts, silently waiting
for a beautiful light. Grief may seem so frightening, but this landscape of
profound loss may seem to a place where if you once enter, you will emerge as a
carrier of light, bearer of a timeless wisdom. It will open you to places of deepest
questioning within yourself, to places of holiest light, that you never saw before,

129
 or felt before. It gives you the richness,
the profundity of feelings that can never
escape you, rather they take you to the
depths of understanding life.
Eventually you see a life that will shine
through the darkness. It will come in its
natural unfolding without you chasing
after the opening of light. What once was
clouds and darkness, reveals light and
sunshine, from where purity of grace
follows, the music of life begins to breathe
again as it comes to rest on your heart.
Such is the eye of wisdom that is itself a
soul.
It will light the world to your delight,
infinity will shine in every part, and life will
come in a loving smile that will contain all
the richness of art. It will show you the
limitless possibilities through the
mourning darkness of grief. As you paused
with grief, as you sat with it, as you
welcome it, as you understood it, the
world of light, the infinite realm of life will
come to light up your soul again, in a joy that will flood you. As they are never
truly gone, not in the sense of spirit. The loss that you see is the loss of form, what
lives behind is the eternality of spirit.
Grief is the strangest of places where you see the light again. Yet, it shows light in
the gradual unfolding of the journey. When grief breaks, it pours willingly its light
on the stones of hardness that once sat on your heart. Such is the wisdom that
awakens us, to move us beyond grief, and we keep moving again, we keep
stepping forward again on the stepping stones of life. The answers to whether we
will be able to feel life again comes from the understanding of grief and walking
with it first. Only then can we walk leaving grief behind, carrying its light.

130
Chapter 9---
How to Love In the
Breath of Eternity
A mysterious love arrives at the space of your heart, which has
been empty for many years. The flowers born out of pain and
suffering, memories and beauty, hope and joy, dreams and
desires---emit an essence that pushes the fundamental human
impulse towards the search of a scent, that will smell in
eternity. Such is the scent that holds love in every season—an
eternal romancing of hearts that can kindle the souls in the
sobbing winters of life.

131
Chapter 9---
How to love In the
Breath of Eternity
A mysterious love arrives at the space of your heart, which has
been empty for many years. The flowers born out of pain and
suffering, memories and beauty, hope and joy, dreams and
desires---emit an essence that pushes the fundamental human
impulse towards the search of a scent, that will smell in
eternity. Such is the scent that holds love in every season—an
eternal romancing of hearts that can kindle the souls in the
sobbing winters of life.

132
 Love in its richest form is a passage of
death and rebirth. We let go of one
phase, one aspect of the unfolding
process, and enter another. Passion dies
and is brought back. Pain is chased away
but surfaces so unexpectedly another
time. To love means to embrace every
phase, and at the same time withstand
many endings and many new beginnings –
all in the same relationship. Share your
weaknesses, share your authentic beauty
with them, as that will bring out the light
of your real self, and it will either make
them walk away or make them endure
whatever storm comes along the way.
Such authenticity will open the door to
the truth of standing relationships in your
life.
If a relationship is meant to live, then he
will know you in every possible way, the
shape of your creeping fears, the
contours of every dream that you ever
dreamt. It will be so very bare to him and
yet he will be with you, silently looking
after you every moment that passes him by. You will never make his life more
perfect neither will he yours, but you both can make each other’s life infinitely
interesting, by sharing moments together into the exploding beauty of life. The
beauty that is surrounded by so much of a mystery, you can walk into the mystery
with him, every step, knowing in this unlocking the mysterious beauty, do you
find it piece by piece. You both understand the sharing of this journey from your
heart and soul. As you share the intimacies of life, your wounds, your walk with
the divine, your fears that dwell in such a delicacy, and your deepest dreams at
the same time. The joy is in sharing, not knowing what the path holds for you
both, whether there is a safety nest lying ahead. It may unleash so many buried

133
 emotions, that you carefully buried inside,
yet they surface as you walk with him.
Such is the unveiling wonder of the
mysterious beauty. Yet there is no
certainty of a tomorrow. Such is the
dangerously dangerous, irresistibly
irresistible beauty of love that invites you
and you can no longer resist it, just fall in
for the invitation. You drink your way into
his soul as he drinks his way into yours.
Your music is locked deep inside your
soul, his music is locked deep inside his.
Its only when you walk through this path,
do you stumble into the one thing that
makes the music return—the essence of a
timeless love. You become each other’s
refuge, a safe and magical place, far from
your troubled lives. Walk it slowly, daring
to walk into the adventure of hearts,
being welcoming to openness, or else it
can lead you to the edge of ruin.
So, a heart- warming adventure never
turns to a heartbreaking page of your
story. Along the way, you will have the
memories, the mistakes, that can build up over the years. But whether they bring
you closer or tear you apart, is something that only the journey can tell. The
destination, though seems to be of much significance, yet it is the journey that
builds everything. The sharing, the communication between two hearts, the
ongoing weaving of daily moments, that is how the journey continues. We all long
for knowing the destination, where and how is it going to rest? Yet it is the
breathtaking view of the journey that catches our breath. We may accept it or
deny it, but that is the truth hanging in the air. The love that can be heartthrob
can reveal the delicious moments as we walk ahead, in the most real and intimate
way. As it is our deepest intimacy between two hearts that will live to endure the

134
 troubled waters along the way. Whether
it is intense pain or intense joy depends
on if our hearts lit each other in the
authenticity of our true selves. As you
emerge in the light of your soul, you
meet another soul to greet in a heavenly
encounter. Such is the kissing of two
souls. How rare is the encounter! You
dance your way right into another heart,
in the breath of a moment. At your
center, dance is an expression of your
heart braided into the love, braided into
the music that flows from your soul. That
sparkle will be back in your eyes. And life
will light up again in the brimming tears
of joy, knowing somehow love has lit
what was buried for so long. There you
see a thousand treasures, shining in their
richest glitters. Every time your souls
touched, a thousand stars sang in unison,
and the light danced in deepest delight.
The sky lit up even in the darkest of
nights, and life seemed to be spreading
more of a heart held light. In such light,
you hold his soul captive. And two souls are clasped in heaven’s help. Such is the
ruby gleaming in your love, such is the rose blooming in two souls. This is a
moment when heaven and earth meet in the bower of love. As you pull his soul
closer, he will respond with tenderness, that begs to be answered, inviting your
soul with soft caress, moving until your soul leaps into love. The adventure is
enticing. He is the only home you want to know, the only journey you want to
take, the only you would die to have. This is an intoxicating tonic, but in this
intoxication lies the scent of togetherness. While, it may seem like a fleeting
fragrance of two souls, but deep down, this is the fragrance of eternity. Such
fragrance knows not how to flee, but knows how to live through the winds of
change and linger in the air in a scent of eternity.
135
Chapter 10---
Sanctuary
of
Relationships

136
Chapter 10----
Sanctuary
of
Relationships

137
 We come from Beyond and one day, we
will return there. We are souls entwined
within the heavenly stars. We are only
visitors here just passing through. Our
indwelling spirits seek the purpose to
observe, learn, grow, and one day to
return home. In the process of revealing
ourselves to our partners, we discover
the enchanting truth that it brings healing
rather than harming---this is an
important discovery that we make down
the journey that we take along with
him…that an intimate relationship can
show the doorway to a sanctuary from
the world of facades, a sacred space
where we can be ourselves, the way we
are. Relationship involves a type of
unmasking, speaking out our truths from
the deepest depths of our hearts, sharing
our fears and struggles and revealing our
raw emotions.
This is a sacred interplay, a sacred release
of emotions which allows two souls to
meet and touch more deeply.
Relationships need to be gentle, playful and yet wise, leaving more room for
caring deep enough to be able to ride the waves of love, nurturing enough and a
companionship. To be able to truly relate, to share and support and to nurture
from your sense of abundance and completeness. Relationships that are spiritual
and heart based enrich the wanting of heart. Relationships are based in the heart,
in feelings of compassion, connection, and mutual respect and support. In depth
and meaningfulness, will relationships bring out the true connections. There
needs to be room within the relationship for commitment and the mutual growth
of each partner within the weaving of relationship. This holds for any relationship,
not just the romantic ones. Friendships will become deeper and more and more

138
 meaningful, with the dawning of
understanding, that we all have soul
families and that our friends are often
close soul relations whose presence
showers love and support to your work
on the planet. Humans will eventually
learn to dance the celebration of their
creative and sexual energies in ways that
are life enhancing and ecstatic. So, they
can move into the loving and love-filled
space. There needs to be freedom in a
relationship. To be able to let truth flow
freely, share what is working and what is
not, without any obligations.
Obligations are what cause the
relationships to take a downhill rather
than an uphill. Due to them, relationships
stagnate and go into a chaos, a
meaningless chaos that brings nothing
but some unfulfilled needs. Sharing our
personal truth makes space for freedom
to walk in with such an ease, that it
relaxes all that was unsettled and easily
take it towards a much fulfilled settling
down. It sets us both free to stay in a relationship if we are called stay or it gives
us the freedom to leave if our deepest truth, our genuine call is to dance
elsewhere in another relationship. Give freedom to your relationship, so the other
person does not feel any enslaving, any chaining, any imprisonment to be in
where they prefer not to be. Chaining someone to be in some way, may hold
themselves back from being the best version of who they are, from dancing in the
perfect rhythms of a relationship. The best moments are those that you can gift
your partner where neither one of yours happiness is dependent on one
another’s certain way of living. As in this lies the sorrows of enslaving your
partner.

139
 Holding another responsible for my
happiness, simply means I am saddling
him with something unwanted so he can
be a certain way for my well-being.
Saddling someone means breaking them.
You do not need a broken partner. Let
him breathe, let him relax---as in this
relaxing, lies the true beauty of love.
Listen to your heart. Listen with your
heart, as in this listening you will listen to
the wisdom of your soul. If ever a
disagreement surfaces in a relationship,
give in to deep listening rather than your
urgent need to speak something, as in
this listening will you truly feel the
needs, the fears, the concerns of your
partner. Walk away from your need to be
right. Walk away from your ego, walk
away from all that holds your esteem
high, and walk into the invitation of your
relationship, that asks you to listen, to
understand, to feel what your partner is
going through.
It takes two people to dive in the
deepest vulnerability possible, to have their strength to hold on during the
smoothest and roughest patches of a relationship. Have the clarity not to confuse
love with control. Rather welcome love as an acceptance and celebration. Love is
a beautiful feeling to be celebrated, welcome the person, accept him the way he
is, and at the same time, love yourself, your strengths, what they bring or are
about to bring in this dance of relationship that you are about to join him in,
celebrate both of you and it will be a dance in understanding, acceptance and
celebration. It will be a celebration of two souls. That will bring out an
empowered beauty in your relationship, as it will bring out the best of energies
and blend them in this dance so it will be a flow of strength and true partnership,

140
 the way it should be, the way it needs to
be so as to make a relationship blossom
at its best. Doing this would enable both
of you to handle it, not just at its best,
but also at its worst. It is from this place
that you create and discover the gifts of
your relationship. To love someone is to
respond to the call of his soul, a call that
awakens you too. Accept this call and
guide him gently to your heart where he
can feel your warmth upon him and rest
there. Look within his eyes, look deep
within and see what lies dormant or
awake, shy or expectant. Look into his
eyes and see the fears and hopes, the
dreams and the battles that is resting
there, all so unspoken, just silently
waiting to be discovered by you. Look
within his soul and see the madness that
he fights in his life, the fears that he
holds back from you, the unspoken pain
that he keeps away from you—these are
the pathways that you can walk on with
him side by side, as in this walking will
you be dancing the rhythms of your relationship with him. Know that he seeks a
safe retreat, a safe refuge in you. Let him melt, let him find peace in your steady
gaze. As in your eyes, he finds a gateway, the so needed doorway that has been
looking for years, where he can confide, his deepest, darkest things of life. In the
breath of his vulnerability, open up completely, so much so, that in the play of
your innocence, in the depths of your depth, he finds an enchanting invitation to
go within, softly yielding, allowing him to step into your heart and swim in the sea
of your soul in a silent knowing that he is safe with you. Fall back into his arms
and trust him to hold you, to catch you every time you fall. Show him the beauty
of surrendering, the art of it by surrendering yourself to him. Merge into the
sweetness with him. Be all that you dream with him. Find in him the seed to all
141
 that is new, all that is divine, all that
shows light of a new day. So together,
you both can grow a new world. Let him
ravish your heart and soul. In this, can he
take your breath away and breathe life
into your dreams.
In this unfolding of your heart, do you
see eternity. To live in a relationship that
will take your breath away and cradle
you for a lifetime takes you to have the
soulful connection that your hearts are
craving. Go within him and explore the
deepest parts of him and see if they
bring in a new meaning to your life, if
they inspire you to create something
beautiful that can make you feel alive. As
in this feeling, will you feel the beauty of
togetherness. He must shine a light into
the darkness. Touch the places that ache
within him, the longing within and the
call of heart so you both can try and
meet somewhere to be able to
understand if not undo the things
already done and said, of projections,
expectations and all the things that you feel love needs to be so as to bloom in
the beauty of a falling heavenliness. Go through your own soulful process of
discovery. Retain the hope and faith in the divinity of the universe that will gift
you with everything that you need at the right time. You do not have to chase him
to find love. Rather you sit back and become love, spreading the joy of it
wherever you go, and in whatever you do. Love begets love. When you are deeply
living in a place of truth and authenticity, you will find him seeking you, filling you
with that which fulfills, sustains and enriches your being. The past lives in the
beauty of yesterday. The future still did not come with a story to tell. We are so
fluid, desires wax and wane, thoughts and feelings are ever-changing,

142
 uncontrollable, like a wild ocean dancing
in love. Instead of committing, as the
forms are always shifting like the tidal
waves that know not how to control,
seek out for the truth, not the comfort,
nor the security. Make a deeper
commitment, one that can never be
broken or lost. The commitment to the
present, to meeting here and now. To
bringing all of ourselves, To knowing and
letting yourself be known to him. To
whispering the truth in his ears and
knowing that your truth may change
tomorrow. To bow before him even if
your heart is broken and tender. Loving
takes courage, but in this courage do you
and he find the beauty that comes along
the way. And such courage takes us to
find what lives and what dies and what
really endures somewhere along the
way. The fearlessness that you face
dancing the wild waves of love, that
takes both of you a long way int
encountering each- others’ strength and
weaknesses. In encountering such sides, we encounter the light and shadow
aspects of each, so delicately we dance in the shifts between positive and
negative aspects and harmonize them into a bond that sees the light of eternity.
Dancing in between the dualities of each and yet coming out stronger in the light
of love, gives a new sense of togetherness.
Not knowing is your home. You both may be friends, lovers, strangers or family or
a love unable to be captured in words. At the edge of the known, on the line that
separated sanity from insanity, madness from normality, and doubts from
certainty, you both engage in playful moments touching each other’s hearts, and
what you get is a tremendous sense of being alive, no longer are you numb to the

143
 wonders and mysteries of love, but you
come out feeling alive, breathing alive.
Nothing holds you back. You overcome
fear, you are no longer frightened. When
the commitment is deeply rooted in the
breath, when love and truth whisper as
one, only then can you both explode in
every moment no matter what brings
sunrise or sunset of moments, joy or
melancholy, you both can hold the times
in a most profound joy. You understand
your fear and now you walk in truth with
him. A living truth, renewing itself each
and every moment, the wild truth of the
open heart. This is what you both bring
in to the relationship. Both of you no
longer look for what just please your eye
but what pleases your soul. But a
sensitive, open heart can yearn to feel
the truth in another , the real you, the
aching you, that seeks the vulnerability in
you to see the freshness of emotions, the
real image of you that exists for real, not
as an illusory image. Authenticity and
vulnerability can be tremendously inviting as they take you to the person who
lives for real, not someone who merely exists. By being authentic, we are openly
offering ourselves as real as we come. You feel safe, you feel like home to share
the real You as you come. In this dance, intimacy blooms at every step, every
rhythm. You support them, as well as balance them. You do not exist in a well-
balanced relationship without his authenticity, neither does he exist in perfect
balance without you dancing him in a well- balanced mix of support and
authenticity. Even our emotions need a perfect balance, it needs to be a perfect
mix. You can never experience sadness, unless you have experienced happiness
and bliss first.

144
 Feminine and masculine match need to
be in a perfect mix. The feminine is
creative and fluid and emotive. The
masculine is analytical, comes with
reasoning, logic and strength. Duality lies
underneath everything. The feminine
energy helps us to feel nurtured and safe.
The masculine side will give you the
purpose to do something, your mission.
The feminine in you will give him the
nurturing, the nourishment of soul. You
are the teacher, the inspirer, the place
where things are born into creation, the
receptive and intuitive place within the
Earth. You are the pure and most
untainted form of creation, that is where
we can find the teachings of balance and
truth. You are there to inspire him. True
creation comes from this wholeness of
your relationship. You are an evolving
human being to start to look into him as
someone who can share your journey in
exploring the beauty of togetherness. You
want to be loved, accepted, welcome
with respect and honor.
When sexuality is grounded in an intimate, loving relationship with him, it
expands your ability to connect with the vastness and wonder of the universe.
When physical bonding is separate from a loving connection, it can become an
experience that can only give you both emptiness and void. Ecstasy comes when
you blend your physical desires with your need for emotional bonding. This type
of longing will entice us to opening up our lives and give your relationship a
fulfillment. To blend these both means embarking on a journey where we open
our minds to re-think all we have and shows us a new meaning about
relationships, something that we failed to see before. Getting beyond self-

145
 absorption and giving in to the shower of
wonders that can spring from the depths
of intimacy can help us to tap into the
wonders and awe of a relationship. When
you are full of tenderness, it is you whom
you are bringing to him and that can give
you an openness to life as well as your
relationship. An openness to growth can
deepen and strengthen the connection
between you both and intensify your
sense of intimacy and oneness. When
you open your inner world to your
partner and allow the power of your
energy flow through you, you naturally
open your heart. Connecting to him is
also about feeling joy and passion that
springs from honesty, giving yourself to
him, being in nature, being emotionally
alive. Your spiritual journey with yourself
can be blended as you walk with him in
the sense that you make love to yourself
in a myriad of ways listening to the call of
your heart, following your calling in life
and seeing if he hears the same call and if
his heart wants to follow that call too in the deepest joy possible. Part of your
awakening can also be through making love to yourself, taking time in self-
pleasure, get to know yourself and feel comfortable with smell and sensations
that breathes life back into your body, mind and soul.
The dance of your relationship also unfolds in the sense that as your partner
explores what pleases his soul, how life again breathes back in to his body and
soul, will bring in a thousand ways to take your relationship with him to an
endless expansion. This wholeness in you can then connect with the wholeness in
your partner and together can bring out a wholeness in your relationship. You
teach one another jhow to be loved. The sweet vulnerability of extension and

146
 expansion, the naked truth of “Here I
am”, the reaching of outstretched arms.
The wide- open hope that extends itself
to You and him, both of you. Love
remains even when words are left
behind. You can listen to the stories of
his scars, so you can trace them with the
honor of understanding. It is where he is
broken, over and over again.
The purity of beginnings bursts with so
much splendor, the intermingling of past
hurts begins to heal with a touch of
understanding and a facing of future
fears together with him bring you both
into an aliveness sand a journey of
adventure that both of you can want to
embark upon. We carry with us the
memory of the loves that we held in the
past and all that has been lost. We don’t
ever walk into love without the past
singing yesterday’s melody again. We
can follow each other in the interplay of
light and shadow, we dance with each
other where the light and dark of
ourselves mingle with all that we have. It is a repeated forgiveness that allows you
both to return here again and again. Past the tears and leaving the broken spaces.
Back into the hope of more and the possibility of again. You both are vulnerable
to what now holds, for the outreach past fear and into the unknown. Gradually
there will be an unwrapping of your relationship. The waves rise and fall. Made
for the rosy and not so rosy pictures of a story and sometimes finding a new
home in another. Sometimes it burns down and rebuilds from ashes. Made for
the sacred wonder of a new beginning again. Ask yourself to show you how to
love him well. How to speak from the heart even when you try to cloak the
whispers of hope with pessimism, so as to shield yourself. You are here to love,

147
 the rich language of it to lovers who are
here to stay or go. To learn the body
rhythms of forever and of just for now.
Open to the bliss and the risk and the
possibility inherent in a new chapter with
him.
You no longer shrink from womanhood,
but you embrace it all. You stand there
fearless and stand firmly rooted in love
as you are grounded in a divine cosmos,
and all that is, and will ever be and you
do not need to be validated for who and
what you are. You love fiercely, loyally
and with your whole heart, mind, soul,
spirit, body, being the woman who is
fearless in loving her too. You both be
there fully conscious with one another.
Love needs to be understood but best
felt and lived truly every moment with
every single breath and beyond all of
this, into the mystical beauty where one
has to embark on new journeys, spiritual
odyssey, and cleave open new pathways
of relating and being so true love can
unfold in its purest beauty.
When you stand in fullness and glory of your own womanhood, yet so open in
vulnerability, authenticity, and in your higher soulful love, then you are in your
own innermost soul and in your magnificence of your soul beauty, and he too in
his authentic masculine beauty, then you both can meet as equals, as partners in
balance and create something extraordinary together in the midst of an ordinary
life. And finally, you see that you are not in competition with each other, you are
not at battle or are not pulling each other in different directions, not causing each
other pain, but you are finally realizing that your soul is calling and purpose is
greater than the sum total of all, and when they are able to find each other on so

148
 many levels, that you both are meant to
work together in a respectful,
meaningful companionship, sharing the
same vision to raise consciousness.
At last, there is the freedom to create a
greater love without one being
overwhelmed by other, but each one
equally empowered and in love. Walking
in love, talking in love, coalescing in love.
This does not rule out the times when
storms may come along the way, and the
times when the falling rain will wash
away all the seams---but you both will be
mature enough to ride out the storms,
and to truly harness that inner soul
strength and then to find out in the end,
all has knitted one closer together in the
immense gift of true love. You finally
have come home to a deep resting place,
deep inside of yourself. The old vision of
love has disintegrated at the very core.
Yet you found a deep inner longing, a
deep inner peace a deep love, which
spans all dimensions and forms. You are
realizing that happiness in your relationship with him is something deep inside in
the very essence of relationship, and you no longer look for it outside yourself.
You know that you are whole and complete. Now you can love with a love deeper
and more profoundly, for it flows freely from your soul, you fly high in the new
found meaning and connection to soar even higher into the galactic and cosmic
spaces.
You know no bound in your relationship. You do the mating dance with him. If
you ever close your wings and free fall, he will catch your wings and you have
trusted him to do that. On a deep honoring of the soul in each other, you both
now mate on higher and greater level before, not because of all the dark nights of

149
 the soul, but because in those battles, the
hardness fought its way and won in
immensity to finally be able to love in a
more profoundly rich way and experience
the transcendental, universal love of the
divine male and divine female, and
ultimately the true state of bliss in your
relationship with him. You experience
eternity in every breath of your love.
You revel and dance in your own
beautiful and profound womanhood, for
letting you behold the immense gift of
love in this form. As you raise your heart
to see the sun, the moon, the stars of
love, entire sky lighting up with a light
that shines from your soul, from his soul,
you realize, you have finally come home.
You did not meet him by accident.
Nothing happens by chance. Every
encounter has a purpose, a meaning
hidden behind it. You are blessed to live
in this relationship with him as this
encounter has meaning that can only
blossom with every step that you take to
dance with him. You needed him to change the direction of your life and you need
him to uplift your soul, so it flowers and reminds you of who you are, to take you
back to the essence of your own soul, one more time. Remain open to whatever
each encounter will reveal. The thread may be of silk and crimson, or it may be
roughened burlap. But the texture of the thread will reveal a different meeting
that has yet to occur. You are meant to interact with him in this life and let your
life overlap with him. Not all encounters are meant to live forever. At times, those
encounters are meant to love just for the briefest of moments and then comes
the time when we must part. At other times, the universe sends him to you to
help you in your journey of life, no matter what he brings in this relationship, a

150
 blessing or a lesson. Life sees mot be a
magical mystery of synchronicity, which
leads us to believe that the universe
conspires to plan a meeting, an encounter
that can help you to evolve more
spiritually and emotionally. Maybe your
soul is meant to wake up. As he has
probably come to your life to awaken you
to your call of life. Maybe you can sense
him in your initial meeting. Either through
your eyes that can be a window to your
soul, or through a familiar vibration, that
which can give you a sense of fulfillment.
Sometimes, you receive divine design
from that soul who is sent to you,
because of prior soul needs. In essence,
you and he have accepted to meet in this
life prior to being born. You are an
amazing You filled with passion of
creativity, and somewhere along the way,
you forgot what you used to believe in
with such vigor. You forgot who you were
truly born to be. To be able to live each
moment being true to yourself, maybe he
has walked in your life to take you back to the essence of your own soul. At times,
he can do it gently with you, while at other times, he can be more fiercely so as to
make you deeply remember, what it is that you have so sadly forgotten. He is the
soul who holds space for you. Who crossed your path either momentarily, or for a
season or for a lifetime---it is only in dancing the relationship with him, will you
explore what is it that you both are destined to have.
However, the beautiful thing is that we all have a story somewhere deep inside
our lives, and we all have a purpose in this life. At times, it may look like he came
into your life to change the course and direction of your life and live for as long as
it is destined to be. Maybe it is a hymn flowing from his lips, that takes you into

151
 the deepest parts of your soul, deeper
than the mundane, the material, the
physical, undressing your body, mind and
soul. Together you co-create a new
world with every breath and pulse. He
can be the moon to your tides, eclipsing
your fighting the mind. He can blow the
wind into your sails, and life you up high
in sky so as to explore the blues of
heavens, the power in your body
vibrating and attuned. Taking you into
the timeless trance where your heart
lays beneath his, where your soul sings
beneath his song, where love escapes
your lips every time he whispers music to
your ears…gives wisdom from his soul to
yours. How would you like to touch him?
How would you like him to touch you? In
ways that can touch the hills and valleys
of the landscape of his heart and soul
and yours. You imagine him in your
heart and touch him with your hands as
if they are healing hands, pouring out
love and energy at every stroke, kissing
every pain as you dive into the sadness in his soul. As in this touching lies the
nourishment and sustainability of your relationship with you. His soul that yearns
to be fed, his heart that longs to be touched, finally gets the fulfillment from your
nurturing. You touch him as if you had carved a sculpture and is feeling to finish,
smoothing out the rough places as you finally give the touch of an art.
As if your touch soaks up the essence of his sadness and gives him an essence of
happiness. Touch him as if your hands are on fire, burning away the dross and
leaving only the rare gold of his soul. Touch him as if you are a musician of your
own soul and may your music bring out the melodies from the most impenetrable
places of his soul. Touch him from the deepest parts of your music, so it can

152
 spring in some of the sweetest songs
from the saddest places in him. Love is
like a river, that flows and flow it must.
The flow is not hurting. What does hurt is
the rocks that can stand in the way of its
flow. A relationship must know how to
meet past the rocks, past the bends that
come along the way so suddenly. And yet
the rocks and the river both exist. Both
are true and very real. The existence of
one does not invalidate the other.
The presence of the rocks that stand to
make you and him stumble does not
mean the river will stop flowing. Both of
you learn how to flow naturally with the
troubled waters that come along the
way, and in this learning do you follow a
path of evolution, in your journey of
togetherness. You can give him an
ecstatic dance of love with one
meaningful glance of your eyes. It is in
visiting and revisiting the flames that
continue to burn in him for you, that you
evolve as a one who is love, who can give
out the touch of love in a way so all the past that held him back from unleashing
himself to you, can die down and he can emerge as piece of art, where yesterday
melted away into a soulful today, soulful enough to bring two souls together, two
hearts to be ignited in the spark that can keep you both alive for this lifetime. Fire
burns for a reason. There is a season and reason for everything. It may have been
tempered but it never completely goes out. There is always a little fire burning,
somewhere inside, however small, however hidden it may seem. Be careful to
cherish that flame, nurture it and hold it as a bearing light to light their way. But
once that flame goes out, its gone forever. They can be so fragile. Left alone, they
light and warm. If you let it run rampant, it will destroy the very things it was

153
 supposed to illuminate. And ultimately
the two of you will become the twin
sides of the same flame. The twin flames.
You both will explore into each-others
wildest dreams and desires, passions
unexplored, places untraveled. In such
traveling, do you recognize the light in
each other, and be inspired with the
luminosity of the traveling light. Such is
the light of a love that is born to
encounter all the struggles that rise
along the way and leaves a lighted trail
behind. So, if you ever find yourself
caged in darkness, you will see the
inviting light of the love that you have
always waited for. The love that awakens
you with a scent of eternity. It’s a travel
from time to timelessness. Such a travel
makes you familiar with the trails known
and unknown, adventurous and scary.
Yet in this adventure, lies the dance the
real dance of two hearts. Beautiful is this
dance in the delicacy of moments, where
feelings go beyond words in the
unraveling of inner light, those unexplored emotions that have struggled all along
to be pursued, sought after and to be found in the light of a day. Those feelings
have all laid beneath the calm surface hoping someone would come and dig them
up so as to open them in a love so fresh and sparkling that would uncover the
mystery and beauty of feeling alive. From that depth rose those emotions, that
which gives birth to a new light in the sanctuary of relationships. Such is the light
that never dies and is running from time after tie after time to timelessness.
Ceaseless is its running, as it ignites all the lovers along their trails, awakens all the
slumbering dreams. And brings them to a new world, where love finds its first
breath. Such is the breath that keeps you both alive, in the joy of a running
ecstasy—an ecstasy that never loses its sweetness, rather rises all the way.
154
 The End
There is a beginning and an ending to everything in life. In
between is a lifetime, where we portray every moment of those
that lived with their own stories to tell. Such is the painting in
richness that create a beautiful portrait. Every portrait begins
with a great story to tell.
The end is never the end. It shows you a pathway of a light—
the light of a new beginning. From where you thought,
someone or something died, something else arose. A piece of
beauty emerged. The form died, the beauty remains deathless
in the light of eternity.

155
 The End
There is a beginning and an ending to everything in life. In
between is a lifetime, where we portray every moment of those
that lived with their own stories to tell. Such is the painting in
richness that create a beautiful portrait. Every portrait begins
with a great story to tell.
The end is never the end. It shows you a pathway of a light—
the light of a new beginning. From where you thought,
someone or something died, something else arose. A piece of
beauty emerged. The form died, the beauty remains deathless
in the light of eternity.

156
157