Dave's Bedtime anthology

Tale #1: Jeb and deh ceenahmonn moon

Part 1: Tesco is closed

There once was a young school-age boy named Jeb. Jeb resented his existence,
normally because the school bullies Phil and Matt loved to noogie him in the boys
toilets over his unorthodox namesake. Today was such a day. Jeb had attempted
to hide in a cubicle, but to no avail.
"Your parents gotta hate you Jeb", said Phil, clearly relishing the opportunity to
toy with his food. Matt added, "Jeb is a stupid name. You're a pleb, Jeb". Jeb went
on to receive his daily noogie, as was customary for most weekdays.
Later that afternoon, Jeb's mom noticed that he was once again significantly
downtrodden upon his return from school. "Hey Jeb what's up?" she asked,
hoping that he'd failed another Geography assessment or something, but
confident in her guess that he had received his noogie as usual. She sat him down
on the sofa.
Jeb began, "I have no idea why you decided to name me Jeb, noone else in the
school is called Jeb and Phil and Matt really scary and they have normal names
and can I change my name I re-". Jeb's mum interrupted before his mind
wandered too far from its normally rather rational meanderings about vegan
cheese and other related foodstuffs.
"Jeb", she asserted. "First of all, there are many great people throughout history
who bear your name. The first man to recover an enigma machine from war-torn
France was named Jeb. So too was the great clan chiefain who led the Jebbites to
unify New Zealand in the dark ages. And so too is your father, Jebbus." She
attempted to go on before giving Jeb the opportunity to assess the validity of her
assertions, but Jeb seemed uninterested anyway. "That's all fine, thanks", he
replied. "But, it won't stop the noogies. Did you speak to the school about it?".
Mom began to reply. "I did, but...". She paused, remembering that the last time
she spoke to Jeb's head of year, she had got the impression that that particular
member of staff slightly agreed that 'Jeb' wasn't the optimal title for her eldest
son. She changed course. "I'll make you a curry, that will help." Amazingly, Jeb
seemed to agree. "Yippee!!" he cried, and went to his room to play with his toy
rocket, one of his most prized possessions.

And so it was for fifteen minutes that Jeb played with his favourite toy, a scale
model of the latest Satonuranus rocket, while mom prepared a wholesome curry
in the kitchen. Soon, though, mom encountered a problem. "Jeb?" she called.
There was no response. "Jeb!?!". She waited a few more seconds. "JEB!!!" she
screamed, swiftly followed by a reply; "WOT MOM?" Satisfied that Jeb's attention
was on her, she continued. "We have run out of da ceenahmonn. I cannot make
the curry without it. Could you run to Tecso and get some more please?" The
incredible proximity of a generously sized Tesco was both a blessing and a curse
for the family of three. Though extremely convenient, it had led to the weekly
shop becoming a rather careless affair with no shopping lists, due to the ease of
remedying any mistakes. On the other hand, Jeb was entirely used to this kind of
errand-running at considerable pace, and so could claim to do exercise a couple of
times a week. "Yeah I'll go I guess..." Jeb replied, wearily. "There's a good boy",
said mom, being careful not to use his name too many more times.
Jeb was most of the way through putting his shoes on when mom realised
something fairly awkward. She did not enjoy the COVID lockdown one bit. She
shouted through to the hallway, "Oh crap Jeb, TESCO is closed because of COVID.
You will have to go to dih monn for da ceenahmonn."

Part 2: To dih monn

"The what now?", Jeb started.
"You know what I am talking about Jeb. It is dih monn. It is round and graaay, lives
in dih sky at night, it also has copi-" Jeb interrupted. "oh you mean the moon,
right?". "NO SONN", mom snapped. "It Is Dih Monn. All of da ceenahmonn is
dere." Caught between his science lessons and his parent, jeb simply responded
"okay", and ran off to the NASA headquarters just down the road.
Working on the reception desk that afternoon was the chief engineer behind the
last few moon missions, covering for Sally the smurf, who was off sick with a
hypoxemic illness. He was an ageing man, balding and slightly rotund, and always
to be seen carrying a coffee flask containing turmeric water harvested from
nearby asteroids. He was a little startled to see a young teenager come through
the revolving doors.
"Howdy there fella", he grunted. "My name's Jeb, and who might you be?" Jeb
(henceforth little Jeb) was shocked. "Oh my Holy Noodle, you're called Jeb too!!",
he squeaked with delight. "I've never met another Jeb before, I too am Jeb, nice to
meet you." Little Jeb's father, Jebbus, had always impressed upon the young Jeb
that manners can take you a long way in the world, a lesson that Jeb had learned
sincerely. It would pay off soon.
"What can I do for you Jeb?", the elder Jeb asked. "Well sir, you see, my mom is
making a curry, but she doesn't have any ceenahmonn. I was wondering if you
could perhaps help me go to dih monn to pick sum ceenahmonn for our evening
meal?" Elder Jeb considered the request for some time. "Jeb, do you mean the
moon?". "Yes I think", little Jeb responded. "My mom calls it dih monn." Elder Jeb
was quite surprised. That was a level of stupidity he had not seen in a long time.
"Jeb, would you awfully mind if, while you're at NASA headquarters, you call it 'the
moon'?". Jeb was only too happy to oblige. "Not a problem sir! is there
ceenahmonn there?" "Oh yes. It collects on the moon by the gigaton thanks to the
regular asteroid collisions with the moon. The ceenahmonn concentrates in the
craters on the south side. You'll have all the cinnamon you want."
Elder Jeb continued, "are you aware of how expensive such a trip would be, young
Jeb?" Little Jeb jumped at the opportunity to demonstrate his familiarity with the
latest spacefaring vessel produced by NASA, the Satonuranus 17069. "Well sir",
Jeb began, "I understand that there is significant capital involved in the production
of a Satonuranus 17069, not least in providing the three metric tons of peeled
potatoes required to fuel the rocket into space. But, due to fantastic technical
progress by you and your colleagues, you have managed to whittle the costs down
to a mere few trillion dollars and the years output of five potato farms!".
Elder Jeb was most impressed. "Can you pay for it?" he asked. It was Little Jeb's
turn to ponder for a moment. "Well... no not really... but how about this sir. If you
allow me to travel to dih monn to get sum ceenahmon, you can come to my house
and have some curry with us?" As if in the middle of a deep game of chess, elder
Jeb furrowed his brow for a considerable length of time. Enough for little Jeb to
wonder if the old man was still alive. Eventually he responded. "Seems entirely
reasonable!" Little Jeb's face lit up. "You'd better run home to your parents and
check that they're ok with your moon trip." Little Jeb wasted no time in going to
ask for a permission slip or something, but elder Jeb stopped him one more time
before he could leave the premises.
"Jeb?"
Little Jeb wheeled round on the spot. "Yeah?"
"You got any potatoes?"
"Yes, 3 metric tons." A smile spread across little Jeb's face. "Why?" he asked with a
knowing grin.
"How about a peeler?" elder Jeb probed.
"Yeah sure I'll bring it along."

Part 3: Reasonable preparations for a curry for four

With the plan all but finalised, little Jeb sprinted home to his house, where his
mother was getting quite irritable about the length of time she was having to
simmer the curry for while she waited for cinnamon.
"Jeb!" She cried. "Where have you been! I NEED DIH CEENAHMONN!" Jeb calmly
explained the situation, during which time mom's face turned from anger, through
confusion, to blissful relaxation, as she realised that the plan was sound and
cinnamon would soon be hers. Jeb was not surprised, but elated regardless, that
mom allowed him to take the 3 metric tons of potatoes from the garden shed.
Though Jebbus owned one of the largest allotments in the entire US, mom had
never really liked potatoes anyway. "Take that stinking peeler with you too", she'd
said. "It's a pain to wash up - I don't know why Jebbus even has it."
Upon returning to NASA with the potatoes and the peeler, little Jeb was extremely
surprised to find that a Satonuranus 17069 was already being baked in the kiln,
and would be ready for fuelling in approximately five minutes. "I decided to make
a headstart on the rocketship Jeb", elder Jeb said. Publicly, he explained to Jeb
that the manners that little Jeb had demonstrated earlier were so immaculate that
he had been convinced to make the rocket before even knowing whether the
potatoes were available. Privately however, he hadn't been able to have lunch and
he was really looking forward to the free food.
"How are we going to peel all the potatoes in the time we have available?" little
Jeb asked, relatively calm for a problem of such magnitude. "Leave that to me",
said elder Jeb, laughing. "Just hand me the peeler." Words are scarcely adequate
to decsribe what happened next, but since we don't have a great deal of choice
we will have to make do. As soon as the peeler entered elder Jebs' hands, time
seemed to speed up around little Jeb. In a mesmerising blur, a pile of potato peel
of epic proportions simply appeared next to the potatoes, and the potatoes
turned white in unison. A fraction of a second later, time returned to its normal
speed and elder Jeb was once again clearly visible. Utterly shocked, little Jeb sank
to his knees. Elder Jeb followed and whispered in his ear, "how do you think I got
this job?"
And so it was that afternoon that little Jeb set off for dih monn.
All was quiet in Jeb's household. Mom was reading her copy of "Alien Sex Weekly"
while watching over the curry, simmering as it waited for the final ingredient. Or,
that was before the phone rang at least. She rushed to pick it up, almost dropping
her copy of Alien Sex Weekly into the curry in the process. As usual, it was Jebbus.
He skipped the pleasantries. "I'm on the way home now, I just picked up a dank
deal with those potatoes in the shed, we'll be loaded haw haww... what's for
dinner?" Mom replied, "It's a curry dear. Jeb's gone to dih monn to get some
ceenahmonn, he should be back before 6:30." She nervously elected not to reveal
that she'd just donated the potatoes to her son's trip some 20 minutes ago, but
that wouldn't have been at the forefront of Jebbus' mind anyway. "You... you sent
Jeb to the moon?!?!" he exclaimed with audible tension. "NO JEBBUS", mom
snapped. "It Is Dih Monn." The rage utterly drained from Jebbus. "Oh that's ok
then, fine. See you soon."
It was 6:35pm at the Jeb household, and tensions were rising. Not only was Jeb
not yet back from dih monn, but mom was having increasing difficulty in trying to
prevent Jebbus from going to the garden shed to examine what he believed was a
considerable quantity of potatoes. "Are you sure you need to go outside again?"
mom asked, appearing worried. "Maybe you should take some of that weight off
your feet, you know? I can go and examine the pota-". It was at that moment that
mom's efforts were rudely interrupted by a terrifying crash coming from the
garden. "WOT IN TARNATION WOS THAT?!" Jebbus slobbered as he shouted,
sweeping himself to his feet faster than he believed was possible and hurling
himself towards the back door. Mom followed.
What they found was not unlike the backdrop to a scene from Alien Sex Weekly.
To Jebbus' dismay, the shed was utterly vaporised. In its place lay a crashed,
damaged rocketship rather similar in appearance to Jeb's toy Satonuranus 17069,
out of which staggered a bruised but fully functioning Jeb! he was clutching 5kg of
ceenahmonn. Jebbus promptly fainted. "MAI CEENAHMON!!" screamed mom.
"Dih monn is nice" said Jeb. No sooner had Jebbus recovered from his shock than
he heard a knock at the door. It was elder Jeb from NASA! He was really goddamn
hungry, but luckily curry was already being served. Food was shared by all, and
everybody involved lived happily ever after.

Please stay tuned for the spin-off tale, Jeb's adventures on dih monn.