WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

“Family Matters”

written by

Laura Walters

Made in Highland
FADE IN:

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

GUILLERMO talks on his CELL PHONE as he picks up dirty clothes.

GUILLERMO
Lo siento, Mama. But I can’t visit
this weekend. It’s too busy at
work.

Guillermo dusts a table and notices half the candles are

missing from the candelabra. He looks to camera -- Where’d they
go?

GUILLERMO
I know it’s been a long time. But
being a personal assistant is a
24/7 job.

Guillermo walks past NADJA and LASZLO’s bedroom. COLIN ROBINSON

peeps through a crack in the door.

LASZLO (O.S.)
Come now, witch! Confess or it’s
back to Rack with you!

Inside the room, Guillermo sees Nadja strapped to a large WHEEL

and Laszlo dressed like an Inquisitor in RED VESTMENTS. Their
room is lit by dozens of candles. Nadja screams in ecstasy.
Guillermo shuts the door and shoos Colin Robinson away.

COLIN ROBINSON
Prudy Bloom.

GUILLERMO
That wasn’t screaming. My
roommates are in a choir.

Laszlo pops into the hall to grab some more candles. He wears
an INVERTED CROSS around his neck.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
No, it’s not a church choir.

NADJA & LASZLO TALKING HEAD

NADJA
When you’ve been married seven
hundred years, you have to find
ways to keep things spicy in the
boudoir.

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 2.

LASZLO
We’ve found role play does the
trick.

NADJA
Especially torture. It arouses
such happy memories for us.
Doesn’t it, darling?

LASZLO
That’s not all it arouses.

Laszlo kisses Nadja’s hand. She giggles.

NADJA
We still use the implements from
our courtship in the Middles Ages.

LASZLO
Back then it was just called the
Ages.

We see old illustrations of torture devices as they continue.

NADJA
We’ve got the Rack, breast
rippers...

LASZLO
The Strappado, a Judas Cradle.
That one will do a number on your
fundament.

NADJA
But even the basics work great.
Candles, for example.

LASZLO
Ah yes. Burning your lover’s
armpits is one of the most erotic
experiences imaginable.

NADJA
The world seems to melt away when
you’re in love!

LASZLO
And sexing like rabbits.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

Guillermo, still on the phone, throws a pile of clothes in the

washing machine. NANDOR enters, sniffling and wrapped in a fur
cloak.

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 3.

NANDOR
Guillermo, I’m sick.

GUILLERMO
(to Mama)
I’m sorry, I just don’t care that
much.

NANDOR
How dare you speak to me in such a
manner!

Guillermo turns to Nandor and points to his cell phone.

GUILLERMO
I don’t know who your neighbor’s
son’s girlfriend is. But I don’t
think it’s that kind of ghost.

NANDOR
We got rid of the ghosts. Am I
having a fever dream?

Guillermo labels and dates PLASTIC BAGGIES OF BLOOD. He feels

Nandor’s forehead.

GUILLERMO
(whispering)
You’re fine.

Guillermo puts the baggies in the freezer. Colin Robinson

enters and points at Guillermo.

COLIN ROBINSON
Hey, I’ve got an axe to grind!

Colin Robinson holds up an AXE. Guillermo looks to camera,

annoyed.

NANDOR
Colin Robinson, feel my head.

Colin Robinson sharpens his axe on a GRINDER, which makes a

loud, horrible noise.

COLIN ROBINSON
(shouting)
What?! Pull your finger?

NANDOR
(shouting)
Feel my head!

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 4.

GUILLERMO
Sorry, Mama. My roommates are
talking loud. Can I call you--

NANDOR
Roommates?! I am your master and I
will not be ignored!

Nandor grabs Guillermo’s phone, opens a TRAP DOOR in the floor,

and throws the phone into the BOTTOMLESS PIT.

It’s a looooooong drop. A distant SMASH echoes from below.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
I smell burnt toast.

COLIN ROBINSON
You’re probably having a stroke.

NANDOR
See, Guillermo, I am not well!

Guillermo looks to camera like he’s about to have a stroke.

INT. NADJA & LASZLO’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FLAMES consume the bedroom. Nadja is blindfolded and strapped

to the Rack. A single CANDLE burns near her.

LASZLO (O.S.)
Do you smell something, darling?

NADJA
(still in character)
I smell fiery brimstone because
I’m a dirty little witch!

A naked Laszlo stands up and the candle near Nadja disappears

(it’s in his butt). Laszlo notices the flames.

LASZLO
Shit.

INT. KITCHEN/HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

GUILLERMO
You can’t have a stroke, you’re
undead.

NANDOR
I can have whatever I want!

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 5.

Colin Robinson looks into the hall and sees SMOKE pouring down
the stairs.

COLIN ROBINSON
Hey, G. Nan-dog. I don’t think
it’s a stroke.

Guillermo and Nandor look at the smoke in the hall.

GUILLERMO
Oh no.

NANDOR
Call the fire brigade!

GUILLERMO
With what?

Nandor looks guiltily to camera. Guillermo grabs Colin

Robinson’s AXE and a FIRE EXTINGUISHER. He and Colin Robinson
run upstairs.

NANDOR
Don’t leave me! I command you!

INT. NADJA & LASZLO’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Guillermo chops through the door with the axe. Colin Robinson
sprays the fire extinguisher, covering the room with FOAM,
including naked Nadja and Laszlo. They hiss.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Nandor flits around, screaming. He grabs as many bags of blood,

hats, and capes as he can. Nandor hands stuff to the CAMERA
CREW to carry.

Guillermo leads Colin Robinson, Nadja, and Laszlo out of the

house. He drags Nandor out the door.

EXT. VAMPIRES’ HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Firetrucks screech down the street and douse the smoldering

house with water. Laszlo fights a fur-lined CAPE away from
Nandor to cover Nadja and himself.

NANDOR
Now what? I can’t sleep on the
streets in my condition.

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 6.

LASZLO
What condition is that? Selfish
prick-itis?

NANDOR
You set our house ablaze!

COLIN ROBINSON
Easy, tigers. Let’s think. Who’s
got a friend that could take us
in?

Crickets.

COLIN ROBINSON (CONT’D)

Any family members?

NANDOR
We attended the funeral of my last
descendant.

NADJA
Nandor murdered my entire family.

NANDOR
I said I was sorry, alright?
Sheesh, let it go.

LASZLO
Plague qwiked my whole clan.

NANDOR
Plague?

Nandor backs away from Laszlo and covers his mouth with a
hanky.

LASZLO
Gizmo’s awfully quiet.

NANDOR
Yes. Who were you talking to on
your light-up talkie square?

Beat.

GUILLERMO
The benches at the park look
comfortable.

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 7.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - BEFORE DAWN

Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin Robinson shiver outside Mama’s

apartment. They each wear one of Nandor’s HATS. Crashing,
scrambling, and frantic talking in Spanish come from the other
side of the door.

NADJA
Why do we have frozen leftovers in
our hats?

Nadja takes off her hat and pulls out a FROZEN BAGGIE OF BLOOD.

COLIN ROBINSON
Guillermo’s mother doesn’t know
we’re vampires.

NANDOR
Too bad! I am tired and ill and I
wait for no mortal.

Nandor raises his hand to bang on the door, when Guillermo

opens it and joins them in the hall.

GUILLERMO
Sorry for the wait, guys. I had to
black out all the windows and take
down my mother’s religious icons.

Nandor looks to camera, disgusted. Nadja and Laszlo look at

each other flirtatiously.

LASZLO
Protestant or Catholic?

GUILLERMO
She’s hardcore Catholic...

LASZLO
(to Nadja)
Is there any other kind?

GUILLERMO
...So please try to act normal.
Not like yourselves.

NADJA
(to Laszlo)
With pleasure.

Mama tries to open the door, but Guillermo slams it shut.

GUILLERMO
Hold on, Mama!

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 8.

NANDOR
I am tired and unwell and nobody
seems to care. I want to curl up
in my coffin and go to sleep.

GUILLERMO
My mother doesn’t have any
coffins, Master.

NANDOR
What?!

GUILLERMO
But there’s a trundle bed.

NANDOR
Trundle?

GUILLERMO
Also, I told Mama you’re my
roommates.

Nandor hisses. Mama tries to open the door again and once more
Guillermo slams it shut.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
¡Momentito, Mama! And I told her
you’re Jewish. Hasidic, actually.

LASZLO
How dare you tell your mother I’m
circumcised!

GUILLERMO
I didn’t know what to say. With
the hats and the clothes and not
being allowed out until sundown. I
told her it was a Jewish holiday.

LASZLO
Well, this changes our role play
considerably.

GUILLERMO
Please don’t do that here.

NANDOR
I am not happy, Guillermo.

GUILLERMO
I’m so sorry, Master.

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 9.

NANDOR
Lucky for you, I am too weary to
smite you tonight. Colin Robinson.

Colin Robinson KICKS Guillermo in the shin.

GUILLERMO
Ow!

COLIN ROBINSON
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

Guillermo knocks and MAMA (50s) opens the door. She is a petite
Latina with a smile so warm it could melt the frozen bags of
blood under the vampires’ hats.

GUILLERMO
These are my...roommates, Mama.

Nandor cringes at the thought of being considered Guillermo’s

roommate.

COLIN ROBINSON
¡Hola!

Mama hugs Guillermo and motions to the vampires.

MAMA
¡Aquí, aquí!

The vampires join the strangest GROUP HUG you’ve ever seen.

NANDOR
That had better be a candle,
Laszlo.

INT. MAMA’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Mama beams at Guillermo and the vampires in the hall.

MAMA
Come in, come in!

COLIN ROBINSON
Gracias, Señora--

MAMA
De la Cruz. But you can call me
Mama.

GUILLERMO
You don’t have to call her that.

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 10.

COLIN ROBINSON
Es un placer, Mama.

Colin Robinson kisses Mama on the hand. Guillermo looks to

camera, annoyed and a little grossed out.

GUILLERMO
Mama, this is Nandor, Laszlo, his
wife Nadja, and Colin Robinson.

MAMA
Guillermo tells me you are
Hasidic?

Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja look nervously at each other.

NANDOR LASZLO NADJA

Yeeees? Quite. Shalom.

COLIN ROBINSON
Not me. I’ve still got my whole
penis.

Guillermo looks to camera, horrified.

LASZLO
As do I. I was a late convert.

MAMA
Well that’s wonderful. Shows you
have strong faith in the Almighty.

NANDOR
Yes, we love the Big Man
downstairs--

Guillermo loudly clears his throat.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
Er, upstairs.

Nandor looks to camera -- Oopsie!

MAMA
My neighbor down the hall is a
rabbi. Maybe you know him?

GUILLERMO
Not all Jewish people know each
other, Mama.

MAMA
I’m so sorry! Of course not. Can I
take your capes? Or hats?

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 11.

Mama moves to take Nadja and Laszlo’s cape, which conceals

their naked bodies. Nadja struggles to balance the blood-filled
hat on her head.

GUILLERMO
No!

MAMA
Guillermo, don’t be rude.

GUILLERMO
It’s just, we’re all freezing,
Mama. From waiting in the cold for
the firemen.

MAMA
Ah, mis hijos. Of course, you all
look so pale. Practically
lifeless.

Guillermo looks to camera -- Sure, let’s go with that. Nandor

coughs.

MAMA (CONT’D)
Poor Nandor. You don’t feel well
at all, do you?

Nandor lights up.

NANDOR
No. No I don’t, Mama. How could
you tell?

MAMA
Anyone with eyes could tell.

NANDOR
(glaring at Guillermo)
I guess someone needs new glasses.

MAMA
I’m going to fetch you my special
salve and some nice, warm pajamas
for everyone.

Mama leaves, smiling. Nandor coughs victoriously in Guillermo’s

direction. Guillermo rolls his eyes.

END OF EXCERPT

Made in Highland