the notes

花樣年華
 花樣年華 The Notes and Music Video stills © BigHit Entertainment

all other photos are courtesy of unsplash.com

english translation of love yourself: tear notes + introduction by wisha (doyou_bangtan)

design + layout + concept by sam (mnygigloss)

the notes
花樣年華

01 INTRODUCTION

02 NOTES ORGANIZED BY DATE

28 NOTES ORGANIZED BY MEMBER + DATE

29
SEOKJIN

32
YOONGI

35
HOSEOK

38
NAMJOON

41
JIMIN

44
TAEHYUNG

47
JUNGKOOK
INTRODUCTION

BTS have been winding through an epic narrative of youth since the era of
Hwayang Yeonhwa (HYYH, 花樣年華, or The Most Beautiful Moment In Life).
Their use of various mediums has been highly lauded; not only can the themes be
traced through their music, “it has been given a plot line through selected music
videos, Wings short films, Love Yourself posters and highlight reels, and the HYYH
notes. The latter are a series of diary entries bound in a small book slipped into the
albums Love Yourself ‘Her’ and now in ‘Tear’.

The notes are a series of diary entries bound in a small book slipped into the Love
Yourself albums. These do not travel in a consecutive order, but jump around to
different crucial moments in the plot that echo scenes we have seen and heard in
other ways. There were 21 notes in total for ‘Tear’, with each of the four versions
(Y, O, U, R) holding 14 each, two for each member.

The use of the members’ real names in these notes further blur the lines between
what is real and what is not; their solo songs in the WINGS album did the same.
While it must be emphasised that these characters are personas that the boys have
adopted to portray this narrative within the ‘Bangtan Universe,’ you will notice that
some traits are based in the members themselves. An example of this is Taehyung’s
boxy smile.

Some of the later diary entries introduce another character, unnamed but evidently
important. Hoseok and Taehyung call them ‘that kid’; while I have translated it
quite literally, it can also be considered as an affectionate way to say ‘that punk.’
In these entries, the character is also given a gender-neutral term in the Korean.
Because the gender-neutral term is clunky, and it can be assumed that they are
the girls of the Highlight Reels, I have used my discretion to translate them in the
feminine third person. For Jimin, Namjoon, and Seokjin’s diary entries, the new
character is obviously female and is written as such.

Other terms to watch out for are ‘hyung’, a Korean designation used by a male to
an older male whom he has a close relationship with; ‘noona’, by a male to an older
female; ‘dongsaeng’, by either gender for someone younger.

THE NOTES / 1
hoseok
호석

23 JULY / YEAR 10

As I counted to four, I began to hear the

hallucinatory laughter. That next moment, my
childhood self held someone’s hand and swept
past me. I turned around quickly, but it was my
classmates that stared back. “Hoseok?” The teacher
called my name. Only then did I realise where I
was. It was maths class. I was in the process of
counting the fruits drawn in my textbook. Five, six.
I started counting again, but as the number kept
increasing, my voice shook and my hands began to
sweat. I kept remembering back to that time.

I could not remember well the face of my mother I

had seen that day. I can only remember her passing
a chocolate bar to me as we saw the attractions of
the amusement park. “Hoseok, count to ten starting
from now, and only then should you open your
eyes.” Once I counted and opened my eyes, my
mother was not there. I waited and waited but she
did not return. Nine was the last number I counted
to. I only had to count one more, but my voice
would not come out. My ears started ringing and
my eyesight became hazy. The teacher motioned
for me to keep going. My friends watched me. I
could not remember my mother’s face well. If I
really did count one more, my mother would never
come look for me.

And just like that, I collapsed on the floor.

THE NOTES / 2
jimin
지민

6 APRIL / YEAR 11

I walked out the entrance of the arboretum alone. The

weather was cloudy and so it was a bit cold but I felt
good. Though it was picnic day, my parents were still
busy. So in the beginning I was a bit sad. But in the
flower drawing competition, I received a compliment,
and my friends’ mums said that I was dependable. And so
from then I thought I was a bit cool.

“Jimin, wait here. Teacher will come soon.” After the

picnic, as we were to leave the arboretum, the teacher
warned me but I did not wait. I was confident I could do
it alone.

I grabbed onto the straps of my backpack tightly with

both hands and walked purposefully. It felt like everyone
was staring at me so I straightened my shoulders more.
This was a long time after the rain had started falling.
My friends and their mums had already gone, there was
nobody to look after me, and my legs hurt. I used my
backpack to cover my head and I crouched down under
a tree. The rain fell harder and there were no people that
walked past. In the end, I ended up running through the
rain. I could not see a house or shop. The place I arrived
at was the back entrance of the arboretum. The side gate
was open, and I could see something like a storage space
within it.

THE NOTES / 3
yoongi
윤기

19 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 16

The red flames spiralled high. The house that I lived in until this morning
was in a blaze. Those who recognised me raced towards me screaming.
The neighbours made frantic steps. There was no access and so the fire
engine could not enter, they said. I stopped in my tracks.

The end of summer. The beginning of autumn. The sky was blue and the
air was dry. What I was supposed to think, what I was supposed to feel,
what I was supposed do – I didn’t know any of these things. And then, the
thought: ‘Oh, mum.’ That next moment, with a crash, the house became
rubble. The house was taken by the blaze – no, the house, ceiling, pillars,
walls, the room I had lived in had all become the blaze itself, and like a
house built of sand, it collapsed. I watched it, struck dumb.

Someone pushed me aside to hurry forward. They said the fire engine
had entered. Another grabbed hold of me and spurred me to answer.
That person stared me into the eyes and screamed something at me, but I
couldn’t hear anything.

“Is someone inside?” I watched that person dumbly. “Is your mum
inside?” The person grabbed hold of my shoulders and shook me. I don’t
know how I answered. “No. Nobody’s inside.” “What do you mean?” A
mother from the neighbourhood asked. “What about your mum? Where
did your mum go?” “Nobody’s inside.” The words I uttered, I didn’t know
of them. Someone pushed me aside and hurried forward—

THE NOTES / 4
yoongi
윤기

12 JUNE / YEAR 19

Though we had blindly skipped school and left the premises, there was nowhere
to go. The day was hot, there was no money, and there was nothing to do. It was
Namjoon who said we should go to the sea. The younger boys looked excited, but
I was ambivalent. “Do you have money?” At my words, Namjoon made everyone
empty their pockets. A couple of coins, a couple of notes. Didn’t look like we
could go. It was probably Taehyung that said we could just walk there. Namjoon’s
expression was begging us to think as the rest chattered uselessly about things,
laughing, and pretending to roll around on the ground as they walked. I didn’t
feel like responding so I just lagged behind. The sun was scorching. Because it
was the middle of the day, even the lampposts did not create any shade, and on an
unfurbished road, cars kicked up dirt as they passed by.

“Let’s go there.” This time too, it was Taehyung. Or Hoseok. I was uninterested
so I didn’t look closely, but it was one of the two. Drooping my neck and hitting
the floor as I walked, I crashed into someone and almost fell over, at which point
I had to lift up my head. Jimin stood there, straight. As if he had seen something
very scary, his facial muscles were trembling. “Are you okay?” I asked, but he did
not seem able to hear me. Where Jimin was looking, there was a sign that said the
arboretum was 2.2km away.

“I don’t want to walk.” I could hear Jungkook speak. From Jimin’s face, sweat
dripped down. He looked as if he would simply collapse, his face terrified. What
was this? I felt strange. “Park Jimin!” I called for him, but just as I thought, he was
unable to move an inch. Lifting my head, I looked again at the sign.

“Hey, the weather’s hot, what would you go to the arboretum for? Let’s just go
to the sea.” I spoke as if apathetic. I did not know what the arboretum was, but it
felt like we should not go. I did not know the reason but Jimin was acting strange.
“I said we’re out of money.” At my words, Hoseok replied. “Let’s just walk, as I
said.” Taehyung had heard. “If we just walk to the station, I think it’d work out.”
Namjoon spoke. “But in return, we’ll skip dinner.” Jungkook and Taehyung made
a crying sound as Seokjin hyung laughed. Jimin only started moving again when
everyone angled their way to the train station. Drooping his head and bringing in
his shoulders as he walked, Jimin looked like a very small child. I looked up again
at the sign. The arboretum. The letters were getting further away again.

THE NOTES / 5
THE NOTES / 6
taehyung
태형

20 MARCH / YEAR 20

I slid down the corridor, to the point you could hear the thwack thwack
sound on the floor. And then I stopped. I could see Namjoon hyung
standing in front of ‘our classroom’. Our classroom. Though nobody else
knew, I called that place our classroom. Me, my hyungs, and Jungkook,
the classroom for us seven. I approached silently. I was thinking of
surprising him.

“Principal!” As I took my fifth footstep or so, a hurried voice could be

heard through the classroom window left ajar. It seemed like Seokjin. Was
it that Seokjin was speaking to the principal? In our classroom? Why?
Then I could hear Yoongi’s name and mine, and Namjoon sucking in a
breath as if surprised. As if he could hear my noiseless footsteps, Seokjin
threw open the door. I could not see Namjoon’s expression. I hid and
watched them. As Seokjin opened his mouth, as if to deny something,
Namjoon held up his hand and spoke. “It’s okay.” Seokjin made an
expression as if confused. “There must have been a reason for you to do
so.” With those words, Namjoon swept past Seokjin into the classroom.
I could not believe it. Seokjin had told the principal what Yoongi and I
had done for the past few days. He had explained everything: that we had
skipped class, jumped over the barrier, and had fought with some kids.
But Namjoon said it was okay.

“What are you doing here?” Turning around in surprise, I realised it was
Hoseok and Jimin. Hoseok pretended to be even more surprised than
myself as he hung his arm around my shoulder. I was dragged into the
classroom by Hoseok. Namjoon and Seokjin were speaking to each other
before looking back to see us. Seokjin awkwardly stood up before saying
an emergency had arisen, then left. I studied Namjoon’s expression. He
who had been watching Seokjin’s back as he left looked at us with a smile
as if nothing had occurred. In that moment, I had this thought: there must
be a reason Namjoon is acting like that. He knows much more than me,
is much smarter than me, and is much more of an adult than me. And this
is our classroom. I pasted a square smile on my face – the one everyone
laughed at me for, saying I looked like an idiot – and walked into the
classroom. I decided not to tell anyone that I had heard that conversation.

THE NOTES / 7
seokjin
석진

17 JULY / YEAR 20

The cicadas sang as I stood at the entrance of the school. The sports
field was buzzing with children smiling, joking around, and running
around competitively. The beginning of the summer holidays;
everyone was terrifically buoyant. In the midst of them, I bowed my
head and stepped past. I wanted to slink out of school quickly.

“Hyung.” Due to someone’s shadow appearing with a jump, I lifted

my head. It was Hoseok and Jimin. They watched me like always,
shining, with their big and pure smiles and mischievous young eyes.
“It’s holidays from today, and you’re just going to leave?” Hoseok
spoke, dragging my arm. I agreed, saying a couple of useless phrases
before turning my head back. What had happened that day was
definitely an accident. It had not been planned. I had not thought
that Jungkook and Yoongi would be there at that time in the storage
classroom. The principal had suspicioned that I was defending
them. He had said that he could tell my father that I wasn’t a good
student. I had to say something. I had spoken of that hideout because
I thought it would be empty. But it had come to the point of Yoongi
being expelled. Nobody knew that I was complicit in that event.

“Spend your holidays well, hyung! I’ll call you.” However he

interpreted my ignorance, Hoseok furtively let go of my hand and
said goodbye even more brightly. This time, too, I was not able to
respond in any way. There was nothing I could say. As I came to the
school gates, I remembered the first day at this school. We were late,
and all received punishment together. And so we were able to laugh.
It was me that ruined those times.

THE NOTES / 8
THE NOTES / 9
jungkook
정국

30 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 20

“Jeon Jungkook, you’re not still going there are you?” I did not respond
in any way. I stood, only looking at my shoelaces. As I did not answer,
I was hit over the head with the attendance sheet. But I still did not
open my mouth. It was the classroom I had been in together with my
hyungs. From the day I discovered the classroom after following them
around, there has not been a day that I have not entered it. Even they
would not know this. There were times they didn’t come, saying they
had another activity or were busy with part time work. Yoongi and Jin
would sometimes not show themselves for days on end. But it was not
so for me. I went to the classroom every day without fail. There were
days when not a single person came. But it was still fine. The fact that
this place existed meant that if not today, tomorrow – if not tomorrow,
the day after – the hyungs would come – so it was okay.

“Because you hung out together, all you did was learn bad stuff.” I was
hit once more. I raised my eyes and stared the teacher down. I was hit
again. I remembered Yoongi getting hit. I grit my teeth and bore it. I did
not want to say the lie that I had not been to the classroom.

Now, I stood in front of the classroom once again. I felt that if I opened
the door, the hyungs would be inside. That they’d be gathered playing
a game, turn to look at me, and ask why I was so late. It seemed like
Seokjin and Namjoon would be reading, Taehyung gaming, Yoongi
playing the piano, Hoseok and Jimin dancing.

But as I opened the door, all I saw was Hoseok. He was packing away
our remaining items in the classroom. I clutched the door handle, just
standing there. He came over to me and wrapped his arm around my
shoulder. He took me outside. “Let’s go, now.” Behind our backs, the
classroom door shut. I realised it then. Those days were gone, and they
would not come again.

THE NOTES / 10
namjoon
남준
17 DECEMBER / YEAR 21
Those waiting for the first bus rubbed their
heads together in the cold breeze. I grabbed
tightly onto the straps of my bag and looked
down at the dirt floor. I tried not to look anyone
in the eye. A country town where the bus
stopped only twice a day. I saw the first bus
come from far away.
I followed the other people into the bus. I
did not look back. When one is desperate for
something, when one barely is able to place
it in their palms, when all you have to do is
escape, such a condition arises: to not turn
back. If I turned back, all my effort until now
would become foam. To turn back – that was
suspicion, and yearning, and fear. I had to win
that to escape.
The bus departed. It was not that I had had
plans. It was not that I had been desperate, or
was able to place it in my palms and escape. It
was closer to just deciding to run away. Mum’s
tired face. My troubled younger sibling. My
dad’s sickness. From the family situation that
was getting harder by the day. From a family
that emphasised sacrifice and peace; from one
who pretended to know nothing and tried so
hard to get used to it – myself. And most of all,
from poverty.
If you ask if poverty is a sin, nobody would
say it is. But is that really so? Poverty gnaws
at so many things. Things that were precious
become meaningless. The things that one can’t
give up on, you end up giving up. You become
suspicious, scared, and resigned.
Now in a couple of hours, the bus will arrive at
a familiar stop. As I left that place a year ago,
I had not said any farewells. And now without
any hint, any notice – I am going back to that
place. I brought my friends’ faces up in my
mind again. I had lost contact with all of them.
What would they all be doing? Would they be
happy to see me? Would we be able to come
together and laugh like old times? The great
amount of frost on the window made it difficult
to see the landscape outside. And on top, I
moved my finger.
‘I need to survive.’
THE NOTES / 11
seokjin
석진

11 APRIL / YEAR 22

With a screech, the car stopped. Having fallen into

thought, I had not seen the traffic lights change.
Students with familiar uniforms stared at me
through the car window as they crossed the road.
There were even people pointing at me. I gave a
strained smile as I drooped my head.

I knew what I had to do. But that did not mean I

was not afraid. Would I truly be able to end all this
misfortune and pain? Don’t repeated failures mean
there can never be any success? Shouldn’t I be
giving up? Isn’t our happiness only a vain hope?
So many thoughts came and left.

Without realising, I had reached the road of the

petrol station and I could see Namjoon working
there. I drank a deep breath in before exhaling
slowly. I thought of Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin,
Taehyung, Jungkook’s faces, one at a time. And
with that, I changed lanes and entered the petrol
station. I could not give up. Even if there was
only a 1% chance, I would not give up. Over my
window, I could see Namjoon come closer.

THE NOTES / 12
jungkook
정국

2 MAY / YEAR 22

I lifted my head to see Namjoon in front of the container. He opened the

door and stepped inside. He gathered all the garments scattered around
the floor as a blanket, and huddled there. The chill came. My whole body
shook badly and I felt like I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t even do that.

When I opened the door and entered, Yoongi was standing on top of the
bed. The train of the sheet was blazing on fire. In that moment, an anger
and fear that I could not contain enveloped me whole. I was not someone
who could speak well. Expressing my feelings, persuading another – I was
awkward at both. As tears gathered and I began to cough, it became even
harder to speak. The only words I could spit out as I ran into the blaze was
“We said we’d all go to the sea together.”

“Why are you like this? Did you have a nightmare or something?” Due
to someone shaking my shoulder, I opened my eyes. It was Namjoon.
Strangely enough, a feeling of security fell upon me. He lay his hand on
me and said I had a fever. It really felt like I did. The inside of mouth felt
like it was boiling, but it was intensely cold otherwise. I had a splitting
headache and my throat hurt. I could barely have the medicine hyung gave
me. “Sleep more. Let’s talk later.” I nodded my head. And then I spoke.
“Will I be able to become an adult like you?” Namjoon hyung turned to
look at me.

THE NOTES / 13
jimin
지민

19 MAY / YEAR 22

In the end, I had to go to the arboretum. I had to give up on the

lies – that I did not remember what had happened there. Hiding
out in the hospital, having seizures – I had to stop all these things.
And to do that, I had to go to that place. With that decided in my
heart, I had come to this bus stop for days on end. But I had not
been able to ride the shuttle bus to the arboretum.

Yoongi dropped down onto the seat next to me after three buses
had already come and gone. When I asked why he’d come, he
said it was because he had nothing to do and was bored. And
with that, he asked why I was sitting here like this. With a bowed
head, I hit the ground with the edge of shoe. I thought about why
I was sitting here like this. It was because I had no courage. I
wanted to pretend I was okay now, pretend to know something
now, pretend that I was able to easily deal with such things now
– but I was actually afraid. What I’d run into, whether I’d be able
to bear it, if I wouldn’t have a seizure again – I was afraid of all
these things.

Yoongi looked at ease. As if there was nothing in the world

deserving to be rushed, he said that the weather was good, and
other useless things. Only once I heard this did I realise that the
weather really was good today. I had been so anxious that I had
not been able to survey my surroundings. The sky was so blue.
A warm breeze blew intermittently. And the shuttle bus to the
arboretum was coming. The bus stopped and the door opened.
The driver looked at me. I impulsively asked.

“Hyung. Can you come with me?”

THE NOTES / 14
taehyung
태형

20 MARCH / YEAR 22

I looked down at my hands. There was blood on them. My legs suddenly

lost their strength. I was going to crouch down but someone hugged me
from behind. Through the windows, a misty sunlight was filtering through.
Noona was crying and Hoseok was standing there without speaking. Dirty
household goods and blankets were, like always, spread around. Where my
father had stood, nobody was there. How he had fled the room, I could not
remember.

The uncontainable anger and sadness that I felt as I rushed towards my

father still remained. I did not know what it was that had allowed me to
control myself as I charged to stab my father. I also did not know how to
calm my turbulent heart. It wasn’t that I wanted to kill my father – I wanted
to kill myself. If I was just able to do it, I wanted to die right now. I didn’t
even have tears. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and
break everything, I wanted to break, but I couldn’t do any of those things.

“Hyung. I’m sorry. I’m okay so. Go.” In contrast to my turbulent heart, my
voice was came out dry. It did not seem like my voice. I sent him away,
though he was loathe to leave, and I looked down at my hands. Blood was
seeping through the white bandage. Instead of stabbing my father, I had hit
the floor with the liquor bottle. As the bottle shattered, my palm had ripped.
As I closed my eyes, the world spinned. What I was supposed to think, what
I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to live. As I came to my senses,
I was looking down at Namjoon’s phone number. Even in such a situation –
no, more so because it was such a situation, I was desperate for his presence.
I wanted to tell him. Hyung. I – my father, the father that bore me, the
father that beat me up daily – I was about to kill him. I was seriously about
to kill him. No, in actual fact, I killed him. I killed him countless times. In
my heart, I killed him repeatedly. I wanted to kill him. I want to die. What I
have to do now, I don’t know at all. Hyung. I just want to see you now.

THE NOTES / 15
THE NOTES / 16
hoseok
호석

20 MAY / YEAR 22

Taking Taehyung, we left the police station. “You did well.” Lowering my head, I spoke
with spirit, though I didn’t really feel that way. From the police station, it wasn’t too far
to Taehyung’s house. If he lived much further away, would there have been less reason
for Taehyung to enter the police station so often? Why did Taehyung’s parents decide to
live so close to a police station? To such a boy who was so kind to the point of idiocy,
the world was too unfair. I put an arm around his shoulder and asked “Are you hungry?”
pretending nothing was wrong. Taehyung shook his head. I asked him “Did the hyungs
at the police station say it was good to see you and buy you food?” but Taehyung did not
give any answer.

Into the sunshine, the two of us walked. Within my heart, a cold wind blew. If even my
heart was like this, how would he be feeling? Would he have any of his heart left? How
much pain would be in his heart? Because I was thinking such things, I could not look
him in the face, and instead turned up to the sky. Through the faint sunshine, a plane was
passing by. The first time I saw the scars on Taehyung’s back, it was when I had met him
in Namjoon’s container hideout. Though nobody could speak because he had smiled so
cutely at his excitement in receiving a shirt, a part of my heart had broken.

I had no parents. I had no recollection of my father, and my mum too, I only knew
until the age of seven. If we were speaking about the pain received by parents in one’s
childhood, I myself had received enough. People say this: that you have to overcome
your pain, that you have to accept it and get used to it. That you have to reconcile and
forgive them. That it’s the only way to live. It’s not that I don’t know. It’s not that I reject
it out of hatred. But some things can’t be done just by trying. Nobody told me how.
Before I became hardened enough for this world, it gave me new wounds. I do know
that there are no people with no wounds by the world. But why is it necessary to have
such deep wounds? For what reason is it necessary? Why do we have to live such a life?

“Hyung. It’s okay. I can go alone.” He spoke at the crossroads. “I know, kid.” Without
concern, I took the lead. “It’s truly okay. Look. I’m fine.” Taehyung smiled at me. I
did not respond. There was no way he could be okay. He was not fine, but once he
acknowledged that, it would be hard to go on. So he was ignoring it. It had become his
habit. Taehyung flipped over his hooded t-shirt and came to follow me. “You’re really
not hungry, right?” I asked him as we reached the corridor of his home. Taehyung gave a
dumb smile and nodded his head. I watched him walk through the corridor with his back
turned, and then turned myself. The corridor that the kid was walking through, the street
I was returning by – they were both narrow and desolate. That kid, and myself, both
alone. I was just about to turn around when the phone rang.

THE NOTES / 17
namjoon
남준

22 MAY / YEAR 22

“We’re only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I’m the hyung, of course. I
know. But they can’t be a young kid forever. Isn’t it time that they deal with it alone? Fine.
I said it’s fine. No, I’m not getting angry. I apologise.”

Hanging up the phone, I looked down at the floor. The lukewarm sea breeze shook the pine
forest as it passed by. I felt like my heart was going to burst. On the ground, half dirt rather
than sand, ants lined up to head in some direction. If someone had the ability to understand
me, both in the material and symbolic sense, would they be able to see where I was going –
and why?

It’s not that I didn’t love my parents. It’s not that I wasn’t worried for my younger sibling.
If I could, I’d ignore them, but because I can’t be anything other than myself, I definitely
couldn’t do that. So if that’s the case, what was the point in struggling like this anyway –
getting angry, frustrated, and wanting to leave?

I saw the back of someone in the distance, standing as if holding a grudge, much like
myself. It was Jungkook. There was a time Jungkook had said this: “I want to become an
adult like you, hyung.” Back then, I could not respond. That I’m not such a good adult –
no, that I’m not even an adult. Back then, it felt like that would be too cruel to say. I had to
acknowledge his trust and interest somewhat; I could not tell such a young friend who had
not received affection that just because one grows older, taller, and lives a bit more, it did
not mean they became an adult. I had wished that Jungkook’s future would be a bit kinder
than mine, but I wasn’t able to promise that I would help his growth. Approaching him, I
put my arm around his shoulder. Jungkook raised his eyes and looked at me.

THE NOTES / 18
yoongi
윤기

15 JUNE / YEAR 22

The clanking, ringing noise in my head of music was the only thing I could
recognise. How much I’d drunk, where this was, what I was doing. Didn’t want
to know, not even important. I saw it was night as I stumbled outside. I swayed.
Whether it was a passerby, kiosk or wall, I just crashed into it however. It didn’t
matter. I just wanted to forget everything.

Jimin’s voice was still clear. ‘Hyung. Jungkook -.’ The next memory was of running
crazily up the hospital stairs. The hospital corridor was long and dark, to the point of
strangeness. People in hospital gowns passed me. My heart was racing. Everybody’s
faces were too pale. They didn’t even have any expression. They were like dead
people. In my head, the sound of my breath shook me raggedly.

Past a hospital door left ajar, Jungkook was lying down. I didn’t even realise that
I swivelled my head back. I couldn’t look. At that moment, suddenly, the sound of
a piano, a fire, a building crashing down could be heard. I wrapped my head in my
arms and slid to the ground. It said it was because of me. It said if only I didn’t exist.
The voice of my mum – no, my own voice – no, someone else’s voice. With those
words, I was pained for a long time. I wanted to believe it wasn’t so. But Jungkook
was lying there. In a corridor where patients were going to and fro as if dead,
Jungkook was lying there. I truly could not enter. I could not check. As I stood, my
legs swayed. As I went back, tears formed. It was a funny thing. I didn’t remember
the last time I’d cried.

As I was trying to cross the road, I turned around, for someone grabbed onto my arm.
Who was it? No, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, it’d be the same. Don’t come near.
Go. Please just leave me alone. I don’t want to hurt you too. I don’t want to get hurt.
So please don’t come closer.

THE NOTES / 19
THE NOTES / 20
hoseok
호석

4 JULY / YEAR 22

While they were applying emergency assistance, I came into the

corridor. Though it was night, quite a few people were still there,
pacing. There was water dripping from my hair, drenched in rain
and sweat. As I was shaking my hair, I dropped the kid’s bag.
Random things fell out. Coins rolled away, as pens and towels
scattered too. And in the midst of it, there was an airplane e-ticket.
Taking hold of it, I scanned the information.

Then, the doctor called for me. He said I did not have to worry for
it was a light concussion, and after a moment, the kid came out.
“You okay?” She said her head hurt a little as she took her bag to
carry it. With that movement, she saw the e-ticket peeping out,
and turned to look at my face. I switched shoulders to carry the
bag and pretending nothing was wrong, I pressed on. As we came
to the entrance, the rain continued to fall. We stood side by side at
the door.

“Hoseok.” The kid called out to me. She had the expression of
someone who had something to say. “Wait a moment. I’ll buy an
umbrella.” I just ran into the rain without a thought. There was
a corner store over there. I had known that recently, that kid had
auditioned for an international dance team. That she had ordered
a plane ticket would mean that they had been accepted. I did not
want to hear what she had to say. I did not have the confidence to
congratulate her.

THE NOTES / 21
jimin
지민

4 JULY / YEAR 22

When I came to my senses, I was washing my arm as

if to scrape the skin off. My hands were shaking and
my breath was unsteady. Blood ran down my arm. The
eyes in the mirror were bloodshot. The events that just
occurred came back to me in fragments.

In a split second, my concentration shattered. I was

paired with a noona from my dance club for this dance,
but our movements became tangled and we bumped
into each other. I fell to the rough ground and my arm
started to bleed. At that moment, the events that had
occurred at the flowering arboretum came back to me.
It was something I thought I had overcome. But it was
not so. I had to run away. I had to cleanse myself. I had
to hide. The person in the mirror would always be the
eight year old child who ran through the rain. And then,
it came to me. Noona, too, had fallen.

Nobody was there in the practice room. Past the door

left ajar, the rain was pouring in violently. I could see
Hoseok running. He was getting drenched. I ran to him
with an umbrella. I finally stopped in my tracks.

There was nothing I could do. All I could do was fall

and get someone hurt, and then get scared by being
hurt myself and forgetting them, and then running back
too late and stopping. I walked the other way. Every
time I took a step, raindrops splashed on my sneakers.
Headlights of a car spun past. It was not okay. No, it
was okay. It did not hurt. This wasn’t even a wound. I
really was okay.

THE NOTES / 22
namjoon
남준
13 JULY / YEAR 22
I leant my head on the bus window. From the
library to the petrol station. The road I travel
daily, the boringly normal landscape sped past the
window. Would there be a day I would escape this
landscape. It seemed impossible to judge what
tomorrow would bring, or to wish for something.
Ahead of me, I could see a girl with a yellow
hair tie sitting there. As if she was sighing, her
shoulders lifted up before dropping. And then she
put her head on the window. For a month already,
we had studied at the same library and gotten
on the bus at the same stop. Though we had not
said a word to each other, we were looking at the
same landscape, living through the same time, and
sighing the same sigh. The hair tie was still in my
pants pocket.
The girl always got off three stops before me.
Whenever she stepped off, I wondered if she
would be going to hand out flyers again. What
sort of day would she have to have, what sort of
work would she have to do. How much frustration
would she feel, for a tomorrow that felt like it
would not come; like a thing like tomorrow did
not exist in the first place. I thought of such things.
The stop that she had to get off was reaching
closer. Someone pressed the bell, and passengers
stood from their seats. But the girl wasn’t one of
them. Just leaning her head on the window sill, she
kept seated. It seemed as if she was asleep. Should
I wake her? I was momentarily conflicted. The bus
was reaching the stop. The girl continued to be
unmoving. People got off. The doors shut, and the
bus departed.
The girl did not wake between the next three stops.
As I approached the bus exit, I was conflicted
once more. I was sure that nobody else would care
for her, after I left. The girl would wake far from
where she needed to be, and her day was bound to
become much more tiring as a result of it.
Leaving the bus stop, I started to walk towards the
petrol station. The bus left and I did not look back.
On top of her bag, I put her hair tie down, but that
was all. That was not the beginning, or even the
end. It was nothing from the very beginning, and
there was no reason for there to be anything. So I
really thought it was indeed nothing.
THE NOTES / 23
taehyung
태형

17 JULY / YEAR 22

I thought my side was going to rip apart in pain. My sweat dripped. The hiding
place in the railway, the empty lot behind the corner store, underneath the overpass,
the kid was not to be found. I ran even to the bus stop but here too, she was unable
to be seen. Those waiting for the bus stared at me strangely. What had happened?
We hadn’t promised to meet, but it was still strange. The kid always turned up
somewhere, and followed me wherever I went. Even if I said she was annoying, it
was useless. But in any of the places we’d been together, the kid could not be found.

Having arrived at a familiar wall, I stopped my footsteps. It was graffiti we had done
together. It was also the first artwork she had completed. On top of it, a huge X sign
had been drawn. It was that kid. I hadn’t even seen her, but I still knew. How? There
was no answer, per se. But on the wall, there were many images superimposed on
each other.

The way she had laughed on the day I lay on the railway and hurt my head. The
way she had helped me rise after I fell trying to help; her expression when she had
been mad that I stole her bread to eat it. The way her expression would dim when
we passed a family portrait store. The way her eyes would unknowingly trail after
passing students. As we sprayed this wall, I had said this: “If something’s hard,
don’t just suffer alone, and tell me.” The X was drawn over all our memories. It
felt like they were saying all of those things were fake. It felt like they were saying
everything was a lie. Without knowing, I curled my hand into a fist. Why? There
was no answer, of course. I turned and walked away. I was alone again. That kid,
and myself, both alone.

THE NOTES / 24
jungkook
정국

26 JULY / YEAR 22

In the hospital flower bed, I secretly snapped a

flower. Because I was continuously on the verge
of laughter, I dropped my head. The midsummer
sunlight was blinding. I knocked on the room of the
hospital door but there was no response. I knocked
once more and then opened the door a fraction.
Inside the room, it was for some reason, chilly. And
there was nobody there. There was only a quiet
darkness that draped over the room.

I left the hospital room. In my boredom and

frustration, I pushed the wheelchair, cutting through
the corridors speedily, when I met the kid. Because
I came so suddenly, I barely stopped by a girl who
tied her hair in one. As we left the hospital, I saw a
bench. I remembered that at one point, we had sat
down and listened to music while drawing. And
up there on that rooftop, we had shared strawberry
milk too. While in the hands there had always been
wildflowers, now there was nobody to give it to.

THE NOTES / 25
THE NOTES / 26
seokjin
석진

30 AUGUST / YEAR 22

Who would be able to remember the moment love begins. Who would be able
to predict the moment when love ends. Why might it be that humans are not
given the ability to perceive such moments. And why is it that I have been
given the ability to restore everything to the way it had been.

The car suddenly stopped, headlights flashing, as it crashed into the victim,
who was thrown up before she fell. Facing these disturbing moments, all I
did was stand there, defenceless. I could not hear anything and I could not
feel anything. Though it was summer, the wind felt cold. Following the road,
there was a sound of something rolling away and falling. And then, the smell
of flowers. Only then was I able to come back even a little to reality. The
smeraldo bunch of flowers dropped limply from my hands. She was in the
middle of the road. From between her hair, blood was running down. Dark
blood trickled down the road. And I thought. If only I could turn back time.

THE NOTES / 27
notes organized by member + date
seokjin
석진

THE NOTES - SEOKJIN / 29

17 JULY / YEAR 20

The cicadas sang as I stood at the entrance of the school. The sports field was buzzing with children
smiling, joking around, and running around competitively. The beginning of the summer holidays;
everyone was terrifically buoyant. In the midst of them, I bowed my head and stepped past. I
wanted to slink out of school quickly.

“Hyung.” Due to someone’s shadow appearing with a jump, I lifted my head. It was Hoseok and
Jimin. They watched me like always, shining, with their big and pure smiles and mischievous
young eyes. “It’s holidays from today, and you’re just going to leave?” Hoseok spoke, dragging my
arm. I agreed, saying a couple of useless phrases before turning my head back. What had happened
that day was definitely an accident. It had not been planned. I had not thought that Jungkook and
Yoongi would be there at that time in the storage classroom. The principal had suspicioned that I
was defending them. He had said that he could tell my father that I wasn’t a good student. I had to
say something. I had spoken of that hideout because I thought it would be empty. But it had come to
the point of Yoongi being expelled. Nobody knew that I was complicit in that event.

“Spend your holidays well, hyung! I’ll call you.” However he interpreted my ignorance, Hoseok
furtively let go of my hand and said goodbye even more brightly. This time, too, I was not able to
respond in any way. There was nothing I could say. As I came to the school gates, I remembered the
first day at this school. We were late, and all received punishment together. And so we were able to
laugh. It was me that ruined those times.

11 APRIL / YEAR 22

With a screech, the car stopped. Having fallen into thought, I had not seen the traffic lights change.
Students with familiar uniforms stared at me through the car window as they crossed the road.
There were even people pointing at me. I gave a strained smile as I drooped my head.

I knew what I had to do. But that did not mean I was not afraid. Would I truly be able to end all this
misfortune and pain? Don’t repeated failures mean there can never be any success? Shouldn’t I be
giving up? Isn’t our happiness only a vain hope? So many thoughts came and left.

Without realising, I had reached the road of the petrol station and I could see Namjoon working
there. I drank a deep breath in before exhaling slowly. I thought of Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin,
Taehyung, Jungkook’s faces, one at a time. And with that, I changed lanes and entered the petrol
station. I could not give up. Even if there was only a 1% chance, I would not give up. Over my
window, I could see Namjoon come closer.

THE NOTES - SEOKJIN / 30

30 AUGUST / YEAR 22

Who would be able to remember the moment love begins. Who would be able to predict the
moment when love ends. Why might it be that humans are not given the ability to perceive such
moments. And why is it that I have been given the ability to restore everything to the way it had
been.

The car suddenly stopped, headlights flashing, as it crashed into the victim, who was thrown up
before she fell. Facing these disturbing moments, all I did was stand there, defenceless. I could not
hear anything and I could not feel anything. Though it was summer, the wind felt cold. Following
the road, there was a sound of something rolling away and falling. And then, the smell of flowers.
Only then was I able to come back even a little to reality. The smeraldo bunch of flowers dropped
limply from my hands. She was in the middle of the road. From between her hair, blood was
running down. Dark blood trickled down the road. And I thought. If only I could turn back time.

THE NOTES - SEOKJIN / 31

yoongi
윤기

THE NOTES - YOONGI / 32

19 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 16

The red flames spiralled high. The house that I lived in until this morning was in a blaze. Those
who recognised me raced towards me screaming. The neighbours made frantic steps. There was no
access and so the fire engine could not enter, they said. I stopped in my tracks.

The end of summer. The beginning of autumn. The sky was blue and the air was dry. What I was
supposed to think, what I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed do – I didn’t know any of
these things. And then, the thought: ‘Oh, mum.’ That next moment, with a crash, the house became
rubble. The house was taken by the blaze – no, the house, ceiling, pillars, walls, the room I had
lived in had all become the blaze itself, and like a house built of sand, it collapsed. I watched it,
struck dumb.

Someone pushed me aside to hurry forward. They said the fire engine had entered. Another grabbed
hold of me and spurred me to answer. That person stared me into the eyes and screamed something
at me, but I couldn’t hear anything.

“Is someone inside?” I watched that person dumbly. “Is your mum inside?” The person grabbed
hold of my shoulders and shook me. I don’t know how I answered. “No. Nobody’s inside.” “What
do you mean?” A mother from the neighbourhood asked. “What about your mum? Where did your
mum go?” “Nobody’s inside.” The words I uttered, I didn’t know of them. Someone pushed me
aside and hurried forward—

12 JUNE / YEAR 19

Though we had blindly skipped school and left the premises, there was nowhere to go. The day was
hot, there was no money, and there was nothing to do. It was Namjoon who said we should go to the
sea. The younger boys looked excited, but I was ambivalent. “Do you have money?” At my words,
Namjoon made everyone empty their pockets. A couple of coins, a couple of notes. Didn’t look like
we could go. It was probably Taehyung that said we could just walk there. Namjoon’s expression
was begging us to think as the rest chattered uselessly about things, laughing, and pretending to roll
around on the ground as they walked. I didn’t feel like responding so I just lagged behind. The sun
was scorching. Because it was the middle of the day, even the lampposts did not create any shade,
and on an unfurbished road, cars kicked up dirt as they passed by.

“Let’s go there.” This time too, it was Taehyung. Or Hoseok. I was uninterested so I didn’t look
closely, but it was one of the two. Drooping my neck and hitting the floor as I walked, I crashed into
someone and almost fell over, at which point I had to lift up my head. Jimin stood there, straight.
As if he had seen something very scary, his facial muscles were trembling. “Are you okay?” I
asked, but he did not seem able to hear me. Where Jimin was looking, there was a sign that said the
arboretum was 2.2km away.

THE NOTES - YOONGI / 33

“I don’t want to walk.” I could hear Jungkook speak. From Jimin’s face, sweat dripped down. He
looked as if he would simply collapse, his face terrified. What was this? I felt strange. “Park Jimin!”
I called for him, but just as I thought, he was unable to move an inch. Lifting my head, I looked
again at the sign.

“Hey, the weather’s hot, what would you go to the arboretum for? Let’s just go to the sea.” I spoke
as if apathetic. I did not know what the arboretum was, but it felt like we should not go. I did not
know the reason but Jimin was acting strange. “I said we’re out of money.” At my words, Hoseok
replied. “Let’s just walk, as I said.” Taehyung had heard. “If we just walk to the station, I think
it’d work out.” Namjoon spoke. “But in return, we’ll skip dinner.” Jungkook and Taehyung made
a crying sound as Seokjin hyung laughed. Jimin only started moving again when everyone angled
their way to the train station. Drooping his head and bringing in his shoulders as he walked, Jimin
looked like a very small child. I looked up again at the sign. The arboretum. The letters were getting
further away again.

15 JUNE / YEAR 22

The clanking, ringing noise in my head of music was the only thing I could recognise. How much
I’d drunk, where this was, what I was doing. Didn’t want to know, not even important. I saw it was
night as I stumbled outside. I swayed. Whether it was a passerby, kiosk or wall, I just crashed into it
however. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to forget everything.

Jimin’s voice was still clear. ‘Hyung. Jungkook -.’ The next memory was of running crazily up
the hospital stairs. The hospital corridor was long and dark, to the point of strangeness. People in
hospital gowns passed me. My heart was racing. Everybody’s faces were too pale. They didn’t even
have any expression. They were like dead people. In my head, the sound of my breath shook me
raggedly.

Past a hospital door left ajar, Jungkook was lying down. I didn’t even realise that I swivelled
my head back. I couldn’t look. At that moment, suddenly, the sound of a piano, a fire, a building
crashing down could be heard. I wrapped my head in my arms and slid to the ground. It said it
was because of me. It said if only I didn’t exist. The voice of my mum – no, my own voice – no,
someone else’s voice. With those words, I was pained for a long time. I wanted to believe it wasn’t
so. But Jungkook was lying there. In a corridor where patients were going to and fro as if dead,
Jungkook was lying there. I truly could not enter. I could not check. As I stood, my legs swayed. As
I went back, tears formed. It was a funny thing. I didn’t remember the last time I’d cried.

As I was trying to cross the road, I turned around, for someone grabbed onto my arm. Who was it?
No, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, it’d be the same. Don’t come near. Go. Please just leave me
alone. I don’t want to hurt you too. I don’t want to get hurt. So please don’t come closer.

THE NOTES - YOONGI / 34

hoseok
호석

THE NOTES - HOSEOK / 35

23 JULY / YEAR 10

As I counted to four, I began to hear the hallucinatory laughter. That next moment, my childhood
self held someone’s hand and swept past me. I turned around quickly, but it was my classmates that
stared back. “Hoseok?” The teacher called my name. Only then did I realise where I was. It was
maths class. I was in the process of counting the fruits drawn in my textbook. Five, six. I started
counting again, but as the number kept increasing, my voice shook and my hands began to sweat. I
kept remembering back to that time.

I could not remember well the face of my mother I had seen that day. I can only remember her
passing a chocolate bar to me as we saw the attractions of the amusement park. “Hoseok, count
to ten starting from now, and only then should you open your eyes.” Once I counted and opened
my eyes, my mother was not there. I waited and waited but she did not return. Nine was the last
number I counted to. I only had to count one more, but my voice would not come out. My ears
started ringing and my eyesight became hazy. The teacher motioned for me to keep going. My
friends watched me. I could not remember my mother’s face well. If I really did count one more,
my mother would never come look for me.

And just like that, I collapsed on the floor.

20 MAY / YEAR 22

Taking Taehyung, we left the police station. “You did well.” Lowering my head, I spoke with spirit,
though I didn’t really feel that way. From the police station, it wasn’t too far to Taehyung’s house.
If he lived much further away, would there have been less reason for Taehyung to enter the police
station so often? Why did Taehyung’s parents decide to live so close to a police station? To such
a boy who was so kind to the point of idiocy, the world was too unfair. I put an arm around his
shoulder and asked “Are you hungry?” pretending nothing was wrong. Taehyung shook his head. I
asked him “Did the hyungs at the police station say it was good to see you and buy you food?” but
Taehyung did not give any answer.

Into the sunshine, the two of us walked. Within my heart, a cold wind blew. If even my heart was
like this, how would he be feeling? Would he have any of his heart left? How much pain would be
in his heart? Because I was thinking such things, I could not look him in the face, and instead turned
up to the sky. Through the faint sunshine, a plane was passing by. The first time I saw the scars on
Taehyung’s back, it was when I had met him in Namjoon’s container hideout. Though nobody could
speak because he had smiled so cutely at his excitement in receiving a shirt, a part of my heart had
broken.

THE NOTES - HOSEOK / 36

I had no parents. I had no recollection of my father, and my mum too, I only knew until the age
of seven. If we were speaking about the pain received by parents in one’s childhood, I myself had
received enough. People say this: that you have to overcome your pain, that you have to accept
it and get used to it. That you have to reconcile and forgive them. That it’s the only way to live.
It’s not that I don’t know. It’s not that I reject it out of hatred. But some things can’t be done just
by trying. Nobody told me how. Before I became hardened enough for this world, it gave me new
wounds. I do know that there are no people with no wounds by the world. But why is it necessary to
have such deep wounds? For what reason is it necessary? Why do we have to live such a life?

“Hyung. It’s okay. I can go alone.” He spoke at the crossroads. “I know, kid.” Without concern, I
took the lead. “It’s truly okay. Look. I’m fine.” Taehyung smiled at me. I did not respond. There
was no way he could be okay. He was not fine, but once he acknowledged that, it would be hard to
go on. So he was ignoring it. It had become his habit. Taehyung flipped over his hooded t-shirt and
came to follow me. “You’re really not hungry, right?” I asked him as we reached the corridor of his
home. Taehyung gave a dumb smile and nodded his head. I watched him walk through the corridor
with his back turned, and then turned myself. The corridor that the kid was walking through, the
street I was returning by – they were both narrow and desolate. That kid, and myself, both alone. I
was just about to turn around when the phone rang.

4 JULY / YEAR 22

While they were applying emergency assistance, I came into the corridor. Though it was night,
quite a few people were still there, pacing. There was water dripping from my hair, drenched in rain
and sweat. As I was shaking my hair, I dropped the kid’s bag. Random things fell out. Coins rolled
away, as pens and towels scattered too. And in the midst of it, there was an airplane e-ticket. Taking
hold of it, I scanned the information.

Then, the doctor called for me. He said I did not have to worry for it was a light concussion, and
after a moment, the kid came out. “You okay?” She said her head hurt a little as she took her bag
to carry it. With that movement, she saw the e-ticket peeping out, and turned to look at my face. I
switched shoulders to carry the bag and pretending nothing was wrong, I pressed on. As we came to
the entrance, the rain continued to fall. We stood side by side at the door.

“Hoseok.” The kid called out to me. She had the expression of someone who had something to say.
“Wait a moment. I’ll buy an umbrella.” I just ran into the rain without a thought. There was a corner
store over there. I had known that recently, that kid had auditioned for an international dance team.
That she had ordered a plane ticket would mean that they had been accepted. I did not want to hear
what she had to say. I did not have the confidence to congratulate her.

THE NOTES - HOSEOK / 37

namjoon
남준

THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 38

17 DECEMBER / YEAR 21

Those waiting for the first bus rubbed their heads together in the cold breeze. I grabbed tightly
onto the straps of my bag and looked down at the dirt floor. I tried not to look anyone in the eye. A
country town where the bus stopped only twice a day. I saw the first bus come from far away.

I followed the other people into the bus. I did not look back. When one is desperate for something,
when one barely is able to place it in their palms, when all you have to do is escape, such a
condition arises: to not turn back. If I turned back, all my effort until now would become foam. To
turn back – that was suspicion, and yearning, and fear. I had to win that to escape.

The bus departed. It was not that I had had plans. It was not that I had been desperate, or was able
to place it in my palms and escape. It was closer to just deciding to run away. Mum’s tired face.
My troubled younger sibling. My dad’s sickness. From the family situation that was getting harder
by the day. From a family that emphasised sacrifice and peace; from one who pretended to know
nothing and tried so hard to get used to it – myself. And most of all, from poverty.

If you ask if poverty is a sin, nobody would say it is. But is that really so? Poverty gnaws at so
many things. Things that were precious become meaningless. The things that one can’t give up on,
you end up giving up. You become suspicious, scared, and resigned.

Now in a couple of hours, the bus will arrive at a familiar stop. As I left that place a year ago, I
had not said any farewells. And now without any hint, any notice – I am going back to that place. I
brought my friends’ faces up in my mind again. I had lost contact with all of them. What would they
all be doing? Would they be happy to see me? Would we be able to come together and laugh like
old times? The great amount of frost on the window made it difficult to see the landscape outside.
And on top, I moved my finger.

‘I need to survive.’

22 MAY / YEAR 22

“We’re only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I’m the hyung, of course. I know. But
they can’t be a young kid forever. Isn’t it time that they deal with it alone? Fine. I said it’s fine. No,
I’m not getting angry. I apologise.”

Hanging up the phone, I looked down at the floor. The lukewarm sea breeze shook the pine forest
as it passed by. I felt like my heart was going to burst. On the ground, half dirt rather than sand, ants
lined up to head in some direction. If someone had the ability to understand me, both in the material
and symbolic sense, would they be able to see where I was going – and why?

It’s not that I didn’t love my parents. It’s not that I wasn’t worried for my younger sibling. If I
could, I’d ignore them, but because I can’t be anything other than myself, I definitely couldn’t

THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 39

do that. So if that’s the case, what was the point in struggling like this anyway – getting angry,
frustrated, and wanting to leave?

I saw the back of someone in the distance, standing as if holding a grudge, much like myself. It was
Jungkook. There was a time Jungkook had said this: “I want to become an adult like you, hyung.”
Back then, I could not respond. That I’m not such a good adult – no, that I’m not even an adult.
Back then, it felt like that would be too cruel to say. I had to acknowledge his trust and interest
somewhat; I could not tell such a young friend who had not received affection that just because
one grows older, taller, and lives a bit more, it did not mean they became an adult. I had wished
that Jungkook’s future would be a bit kinder than mine, but I wasn’t able to promise that I would
help his growth. Approaching him, I put my arm around his shoulder. Jungkook raised his eyes and
looked at me.

13 JULY / YEAR 22

I leant my head on the bus window. From the library to the petrol station. The road I travel daily,
the boringly normal landscape sped past the window. Would there be a day I would escape this
landscape. It seemed impossible to judge what tomorrow would bring, or to wish for something.

Ahead of me, I could see a girl with a yellow hair tie sitting there. As if she was sighing, her
shoulders lifted up before dropping. And then she put her head on the window. For a month already,
we had studied at the same library and gotten on the bus at the same stop. Though we had not said
a word to each other, we were looking at the same landscape, living through the same time, and
sighing the same sigh. The hair tie was still in my pants pocket.

The girl always got off three stops before me. Whenever she stepped off, I wondered if she would
be going to hand out flyers again. What sort of day would she have to have, what sort of work
would she have to do. How much frustration would she feel, for a tomorrow that felt like it would
not come; like a thing like tomorrow did not exist in the first place. I thought of such things.
The stop that she had to get off was reaching closer. Someone pressed the bell, and passengers stood
from their seats. But the girl wasn’t one of them. Just leaning her head on the window sill, she kept
seated. It seemed as if she was asleep. Should I wake her? I was momentarily conflicted. The bus
was reaching the stop. The girl continued to be unmoving. People got off. The doors shut, and the
bus departed.

The girl did not wake between the next three stops. As I approached the bus exit, I was conflicted
once more. I was sure that nobody else would care for her, after I left. The girl would wake far from
where she needed to be, and her day was bound to become much more tiring as a result of it.

Leaving the bus stop, I started to walk towards the petrol station. The bus left and I did not look
back. On top of her bag, I put her hair tie down, but that was all. That was not the beginning, or
even the end. It was nothing from the very beginning, and there was no reason for there to be
anything. So I really thought it was indeed nothing.

THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 40

jimin
지민

THE NOTES - JIMIN / 41

6 APRIL / YEAR 11

I walked out the entrance of the arboretum alone. The weather was cloudy and so it was a bit cold
but I felt good. Though it was picnic day, my parents were still busy. So in the beginning I was a bit
sad. But in the flower drawing competition, I received a compliment, and my friends’ mums said
that I was dependable. And so from then I thought I was a bit cool.

“Jimin, wait here. Teacher will come soon.” After the picnic, as we were to leave the arboretum, the
teacher warned me but I did not wait. I was confident I could do it alone.

I grabbed onto the straps of my backpack tightly with both hands and walked purposefully. It felt
like everyone was staring at me so I straightened my shoulders more. This was a long time after
the rain had started falling. My friends and their mums had already gone, there was nobody to look
after me, and my legs hurt. I used my backpack to cover my head and I crouched down under a
tree. The rain fell harder and there were no people that walked past. In the end, I ended up running
through the rain. I could not see a house or shop. The place I arrived at was the back entrance of the
arboretum. The side gate was open, and I could see something like a storage space within it.

19 MAY / YEAR 22

In the end, I had to go to the arboretum. I had to give up on the lies – that I did not remember what
had happened there. Hiding out in the hospital, having seizures – I had to stop all these things. And
to do that, I had to go to that place. With that decided in my heart, I had come to this bus stop for
days on end. But I had not been able to ride the shuttle bus to the arboretum.

Yoongi dropped down onto the seat next to me after three buses had already come and gone. When I
asked why he’d come, he said it was because he had nothing to do and was bored. And with that, he
asked why I was sitting here like this. With a bowed head, I hit the ground with the edge of shoe. I
thought about why I was sitting here like this. It was because I had no courage. I wanted to pretend
I was okay now, pretend to know something now, pretend that I was able to easily deal with such
things now – but I was actually afraid. What I’d run into, whether I’d be able to bear it, if I wouldn’t
have a seizure again – I was afraid of all these things.

Yoongi looked at ease. As if there was nothing in the world deserving to be rushed, he said that the
weather was good, and other useless things. Only once I heard this did I realise that the weather
really was good today. I had been so anxious that I had not been able to survey my surroundings.
The sky was so blue. A warm breeze blew intermittently. And the shuttle bus to the arboretum was
coming. The bus stopped and the door opened. The driver looked at me. I impulsively asked.

“Hyung. Can you come with me?”

THE NOTES - JIMIN / 42

4 JULY / YEAR 22

When I came to my senses, I was washing my arm as if to scrape the skin off. My hands were
shaking and my breath was unsteady. Blood ran down my arm. The eyes in the mirror were
bloodshot. The events that just occurred came back to me in fragments.

In a split second, my concentration shattered. I was paired with a noona from my dance club for
this dance, but our movements became tangled and we bumped into each other. I fell to the rough
ground and my arm started to bleed. At that moment, the events that had occurred at the flowering
arboretum came back to me. It was something I thought I had overcome. But it was not so. I had to
run away. I had to cleanse myself. I had to hide. The person in the mirror would always be the eight
year old child who ran through the rain. And then, it came to me. Noona, too, had fallen.

Nobody was there in the practice room. Past the door left ajar, the rain was pouring in violently. I
could see Hoseok running. He was getting drenched. I ran to him with an umbrella. I finally stopped
in my tracks.

There was nothing I could do. All I could do was fall and get someone hurt, and then get scared by
being hurt myself and forgetting them, and then running back too late and stopping. I walked the
other way. Every time I took a step, raindrops splashed on my sneakers. Headlights of a car spun
past. It was not okay. No, it was okay. It did not hurt. This wasn’t even a wound. I really was okay.

THE NOTES - JIMIN / 43

taehyung
태형

THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 44

20 MARCH / YEAR 20

I slid down the corridor, to the point you could hear the thwack thwack sound on the floor. And then
I stopped. I could see Namjoon hyung standing in front of ‘our classroom’. Our classroom. Though
nobody else knew, I called that place our classroom. Me, my hyungs, and Jungkook, the classroom
for us seven. I approached silently. I was thinking of surprising him.

“Principal!” As I took my fifth footstep or so, a hurried voice could be heard through the classroom
window left ajar. It seemed like Seokjin. Was it that Seokjin was speaking to the principal? In our
classroom? Why? Then I could hear Yoongi’s name and mine, and Namjoon sucking in a breath as
if surprised. As if he could hear my noiseless footsteps, Seokjin threw open the door. I could not
see Namjoon’s expression. I hid and watched them. As Seokjin opened his mouth, as if to deny
something, Namjoon held up his hand and spoke. “It’s okay.” Seokjin made an expression as if
confused. “There must have been a reason for you to do so.” With those words, Namjoon swept past
Seokjin into the classroom. I could not believe it. Seokjin had told the principal what Yoongi and
I had done for the past few days. He had explained everything: that we had skipped class, jumped
over the barrier, and had fought with some kids. But Namjoon said it was okay.

“What are you doing here?” Turning around in surprise, I realised it was Hoseok and Jimin. Hoseok
pretended to be even more surprised than myself as he hung his arm around my shoulder. I was
dragged into the classroom by Hoseok. Namjoon and Seokjin were speaking to each other before
looking back to see us. Seokjin awkwardly stood up before saying an emergency had arisen, then
left. I studied Namjoon’s expression. He who had been watching Seokjin’s back as he left looked
at us with a smile as if nothing had occurred. In that moment, I had this thought: there must be a
reason Namjoon is acting like that. He knows much more than me, is much smarter than me, and is
much more of an adult than me. And this is our classroom. I pasted a square smile on my face – the
one everyone laughed at me for, saying I looked like an idiot – and walked into the classroom. I
decided not to tell anyone that I had heard that conversation.

20 MARCH / YEAR 22

I looked down at my hands. There was blood on them. My legs suddenly lost their strength. I
was going to crouch down but someone hugged me from behind. Through the windows, a misty
sunlight was filtering through. Noona was crying and Hoseok was standing there without speaking.
Dirty household goods and blankets were, like always, spread around. Where my father had stood,
nobody was there. How he had fled the room, I could not remember.

The uncontainable anger and sadness that I felt as I rushed towards my father still remained. I did
not know what it was that had allowed me to control myself as I charged to stab my father. I also
did not know how to calm my turbulent heart. It wasn’t that I wanted to kill my father – I wanted to

THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 45

kill myself. If I was just able to do it, I wanted to die right now. I didn’t even have tears. I wanted to
cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and break everything, I wanted to break, but I couldn’t do
any of those things.

“Hyung. I’m sorry. I’m okay so. Go.” In contrast to my turbulent heart, my voice was came out dry.
It did not seem like my voice. I sent him away, though he was loathe to leave, and I looked down at
my hands. Blood was seeping through the white bandage. Instead of stabbing my father, I had hit
the floor with the liquor bottle. As the bottle shattered, my palm had ripped. As I closed my eyes,
the world spinned. What I was supposed to think, what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed
to live. As I came to my senses, I was looking down at Namjoon’s phone number. Even in such a
situation – no, more so because it was such a situation, I was desperate for his presence. I wanted to
tell him. Hyung. I – my father, the father that bore me, the father that beat me up daily – I was about
to kill him. I was seriously about to kill him. No, in actual fact, I killed him. I killed him countless
times. In my heart, I killed him repeatedly. I wanted to kill him. I want to die. What I have to do
now, I don’t know at all. Hyung. I just want to see you now.

17 JULY / YEAR 22

I thought my side was going to rip apart in pain. My sweat dripped. The hiding place in the railway,
the empty lot behind the corner store, underneath the overpass, the kid was not to be found. I ran
even to the bus stop but here too, she was unable to be seen. Those waiting for the bus stared at me
strangely. What had happened? We hadn’t promised to meet, but it was still strange. The kid always
turned up somewhere, and followed me wherever I went. Even if I said she was annoying, it was
useless. But in any of the places we’d been together, the kid could not be found.

Having arrived at a familiar wall, I stopped my footsteps. It was graffiti we had done together. It
was also the first artwork she had completed. On top of it, a huge X sign had been drawn. It was
that kid. I hadn’t even seen her, but I still knew. How? There was no answer, per se. But on the wall,
there were many images superimposed on each other.

The way she had laughed on the day I lay on the railway and hurt my head. The way she had helped
me rise after I fell trying to help; her expression when she had been mad that I stole her bread to
eat it. The way her expression would dim when we passed a family portrait store. The way her
eyes would unknowingly trail after passing students. As we sprayed this wall, I had said this: “If
something’s hard, don’t just suffer alone, and tell me.” The X was drawn over all our memories. It
felt like they were saying all of those things were fake. It felt like they were saying everything was
a lie. Without knowing, I curled my hand into a fist. Why? There was no answer, of course. I turned
and walked away. I was alone again. That kid, and myself, both alone.

THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 46

jungkook
정국

THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 47

30 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 20

“Jeon Jungkook, you’re not still going there are you?” I did not respond in any way. I stood, only
looking at my shoelaces. As I did not answer, I was hit over the head with the attendance sheet. But
I still did not open my mouth. It was the classroom I had been in together with my hyungs. From
the day I discovered the classroom after following them around, there has not been a day that I
have not entered it. Even they would not know this. There were times they didn’t come, saying they
had another activity or were busy with part time work. Yoongi and Jin would sometimes not show
themselves for days on end. But it was not so for me. I went to the classroom every day without
fail. There were days when not a single person came. But it was still fine. The fact that this place
existed meant that if not today, tomorrow – if not tomorrow, the day after – the hyungs would come
– so it was okay.

“Because you hung out together, all you did was learn bad stuff.” I was hit once more. I raised my
eyes and stared the teacher down. I was hit again. I remembered Yoongi getting hit. I grit my teeth
and bore it. I did not want to say the lie that I had not been to the classroom.

Now, I stood in front of the classroom once again. I felt that if I opened the door, the hyungs would
be inside. That they’d be gathered playing a game, turn to look at me, and ask why I was so late. It
seemed like Seokjin and Namjoon would be reading, Taehyung gaming, Yoongi playing the piano,
Hoseok and Jimin dancing.

But as I opened the door, all I saw was Hoseok. He was packing away our remaining items in the
classroom. I clutched the door handle, just standing there. He came over to me and wrapped his arm
around my shoulder. He took me outside. “Let’s go, now.” Behind our backs, the classroom door
shut. I realised it then. Those days were gone, and they would not come again.

2 MAY / YEAR 22

I lifted my head to see Namjoon in front of the container. He opened the door and stepped inside.
He gathered all the garments scattered around the floor as a blanket, and huddled there. The chill
came. My whole body shook badly and I felt like I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t even do that.

When I opened the door and entered, Yoongi was standing on top of the bed. The train of the sheet
was blazing on fire. In that moment, an anger and fear that I could not contain enveloped me whole.
I was not someone who could speak well. Expressing my feelings, persuading another – I was
awkward at both. As tears gathered and I began to cough, it became even harder to speak. The only
words I could spit out as I ran into the blaze was “We said we’d all go to the sea together.”

THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 48

“Why are you like this? Did you have a nightmare or something?” Due to someone shaking my
shoulder, I opened my eyes. It was Namjoon. Strangely enough, a feeling of security fell upon me.
He lay his hand on me and said I had a fever. It really felt like I did. The inside of mouth felt like it
was boiling, but it was intensely cold otherwise. I had a splitting headache and my throat hurt. I could
barely have the medicine hyung gave me. “Sleep more. Let’s talk later.” I nodded my head. And then
I spoke. “Will I be able to become an adult like you?” Namjoon hyung turned to look at me.

26 JULY / YEAR 22

In the hospital flower bed, I secretly snapped a flower. Because I was continuously on the verge of
laughter, I dropped my head. The midsummer sunlight was blinding. I knocked on the room of the
hospital door but there was no response. I knocked once more and then opened the door a fraction.
Inside the room, it was for some reason, chilly. And there was nobody there. There was only a quiet
darkness that draped over the room.

I left the hospital room. In my boredom and frustration, I pushed the wheelchair, cutting through
the corridors speedily, when I met the kid. Because I came so suddenly, I barely stopped by a girl
who tied her hair in one. As we left the hospital, I saw a bench. I remembered that at one point, we
had sat down and listened to music while drawing. And up there on that rooftop, we had shared
strawberry milk too. While in the hands there had always been wildflowers, now there was nobody
to give it to.

THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 49

the notes
花樣年華