MAN Under Pressure

Barring a few exceptions, all gender issues relate to discussions, articles, thoughts, about
WOMAN being a victim, a sufferer, being exploited in the male dominated society. Rarely does
one bother to care about the sufferings, the constant struggle that every married man faces for a
good part of his life. Every day he has to strive hard to maintain equilibrium between his wife
and mother. No, it does not mean that one of the two is exploiting the other. Most of the times in
fact both ‘parties’ are right from their own perspectives. A mother feels insecure that she is
losing her son to another woman and tries to pull her son towards her. A newly married wife
feels that she has to create a space for herself in her husband’s life and she too pulls him towards
herself. The ‘poor’ man becomes the knot of tug-of-war bearing a constant pressure from both
sides.

In a large number of families there are to say no ‘real’ issues, but simply, what we call
generation gap or in cases ‘ego’ hassles. If a husband asks his wife to adjust, he will be labeled
‘mama’s boy’ and if he asks his mother to change with time he will be labeled ‘joru ka gulaam’.
If he lets them both on their own, he may well be awarded with both these! Where to go man??

In some cases, on quite an objective assessment a man feels that his wife is unduly exploiting
him or others in the family, he will undergo turmoil for sometime but in high probability, if he is
not otherwise able to handle his wife, divorce her and also may settle again.

A real serious problem comes up for him if his’ own family is unjust. And believe me such cases
are not too rare to find. Today there are a number of young men who do not want anything in the
name of dowry. Yet, they end up taking huge finances in cash or kind due to parental pressure
and also silently keep feeling bad about it through their life. If things are too bad in their family
on other grounds too and they can really make out that it is despite all commitment and
adjustment from the side of their wife, they may decide to move out of their parental house to
give a tension free atmosphere to their kids but will themselves live in guilt and tension.

It is really a small proportion of families where the sons move out on their own or for any
justified reason and are happy about it. We perceive that such is the situation because all those
who move out of their families keep suffering in silence and no one ever gets to know about it. If
they try to talk their sufferings to their wife, they will be misunderstood. Elsewhere normally
they do not discuss their personal problems. They bear all this so that their loved ones –parents,
wife and children can live in peace away from daily fights and sufferings. The blood flowing in
their veins keeps them up closely tied to their parents and brothers/sisters. They are always
available for all their needs and on festivals and other occasions.

Fine. Worse happens if an exploited daughter- in-law of a family is not too strong enough and
succumbs to daily pressures (May be a suicide). What do the son(s) do? Somewhere inside, the
‘husband’ and his siblings do secretly understand who was at fault. But they will not express it
anywhere. Not even to themselves!! Do they go against their parents? No. never will they. The
husband will secretly suffer- even bear imprisonment and keep wishing all the time that nobody
touches his parents. All brothers will run from pillar to post to save their parents whatever may
happen to them and their family-life. Their wife dare not utter a word on the issue. It is her
responsibility to render whatever help she can! While they are doing all this it is not that they are
happy about it. Something deep inside is dying. They may even shed tears in the darkness of
night. But what to do? They have to suffer. It is their destiny.

Dr. ANJALI BANSAL

Apna Yuva Spandan (National Youth Magazine: Heart Beat Of The Youths) (July, 2010)