Single Mothers

There are many myths and stereotypes in society concerning single mothers that need to be
revealed. Single mothers face many trials and dilemmas raising their children.

Single mothers face challenges that on the surface seem to be familiar with that of married
mothers, i.e. tantrums, discipline, and caring for the basic overall care for the child. How are
these challenges different in the life of a single mother?

Raising children alone poses stress on the mother due to lack of parental support as well as a
financial strain. Single moms also may have to make up for broken promises made by fathers.
Being the bearer of disappointing news puts the single mother in a very uncomfortable position
with their children. A position they must justify internally as the right thing to do.

Single moms may have to work two jobs in order to afford the rent, basic utilities, and food. The
financial strain is sometimes demonstrated in their lower patience level and higher frustration.

Receiving assistance from government welfare is never enough. The amount of money that is
given generally doesn't pay the rent and causes the single mother to have a financial crisis
situation that requires further financial assistance. This typically causes single moms to obtain
employment and only accept the supportive services like, childcare, food stamps, and medical.

Who Single Mothers Really Are

There has always been this unseen population of women who are not recognized for their
strengths but only stereotyped. This group of women are the single mothers all across this
country. There was a US Census Bureau Archive 2006 that stated that there were 10.4 million
households with single mothers.

This unique population of single mothers have so many different stories to tell. Whether they
were left by the father, divorced, widowed, never knew whom the father was, or the father is
incarcerated. These women share the common task of being mothers and multi-tasking around
the clock.

What Single Mothers Face

When it is stated that this population of moms are unseen, it’s figuratively speaking because it’s
their needs that go unseen. These single mothers are widely categorized as women that the state
supports and yet nothing else is seen about them. Single moms are generally women on the job
who stay late to work overtime. Many single mothers hold some sort of employment and work
twice as hard to make it.
Single mothers can easily be the target of sarcastic statements or interrogative questions that
invade their personal lives. These methods that society uses to somehow penalize the single mom
only adds to their struggle and gives the single mothers another thing to add to their already full
plate of stress.

Single mothers have to respond to their situation on an everyday basis. Many will work two jobs
to support their family. These single mothers have to explain to their children, why daddy is not
there, while constantly fighting stereotypes. Some single mothers do receive help from the
fathers financially and maybe even emotionally for the children, but this doesn’t make it any
easier to raise the children on their own.

Statistics Regarding Single Mothers in the US

Due to the economy many families have had to receive assistance. Some single mothers are at a
disadvantage in the job market as the statistics from the US Census Bureau Households and
Families list that:

 37% of black single mothers have a high school diploma; 35% white single mothers have
a high school diploma.
 315,000 black single mothers hold a bachelor's degree; 904,000 white single mothers
hold a bachelor's degree.
 20% of black single mothers had been divorced, and 62% had never been married.
 32% of all single mothers live below the poverty line and 38% black single mothers raise
families below the poverty line

Having a clearer understanding of who single mothers really are is important as a society in order
to dispel the stereotypes. Regardless of the statistics surrounding single mothers in the US,
ignorance is still the largest problem that single mothers will face.

Some things a single mother on assistance must get by or be assaulted with;

1. You have to get over people’s misconceptions and judgments of you as a single mother
on assistance.

 "She chose to be a single mother from the start” – this can be true for some single
mothers. Some women choose to have a child and not have to worry about the hassle or
headache that may come along with a man. Perhaps the right man hasn’t come around yet
and they feel the need to be a mother. Perhaps they want to have the freedom to raise
their children with their own values, how they feel they want to raise them and not worry
about another persons input. This may be true for some single mothers, and my
experience is that most woman who choose to be a mother on their own are in a financial
position to do so, rarely are they the single mothers you see on social assistance

 "She chose to leave the father… it’s her problem” – in a lot of cases this is true… other
than the statement it’s her problem. Society today still turns a blind eye to abuse that may
be happening within a family’s home. Society needs to recognize that on top of the
 physical abuse we still readily ignore; there is emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and
yes, sexual abuse can happen between a couple who are in a relationship. This woman
may have chosen to leave an abusive relationship… but it most certainly shouldn’t make
it “her problem”. So the label “burden to society” is already put upon her as she tries to
leave the abuse. I am sure when women return to their abuser it is somehow tied into the
feeling of not being able to make it on our own. Why do we as a society chose to ignore
the reasons and label the woman?

 "She must be hell to live with” or “the asshole left her” – the father leaves the family
home; creating no other option for the mother but to continue to be the primary care giver
and find a way to provide for her family. Usually during cases like this the father doesn’t
say 3 months ahead of time, “I’m going to be leaving you. Why don’t we start looking for
childcare now and I’ll stay until you get a job”. It rarely happens like that.

 "Is she an addict?”, “Does she sleep around?”, or “Are those kids by the same father?” –
All horrible judgments labeled on women who are struggling to get up, to get by, or to
get out. Not only do we have to live with being looked upon as a less than, as a have not,
but we are targeted by ignorant people who want to make it easier for themselves to
ignore this glaring part of society they so desperately don’t wan to see.

 "She must be lazy” or “She has no motivation” – Do you realize how hard it is to get by
living on such a pathetic amount from social assistance. When I decide to do something
to better myself I approached my worker for guidance… at the time there was NOTHING
in place to help a single mother get off assistance and get an education.

Apply for a student loan I was told. How about child care? You’ll have to pay for that out
of your student loan. How about living expenses? You’ll get that with your student loan.
How about medical coverage? We will continue to give you that.

So with this magical student loan you have to pay your tuition, supplies, travel costs,
babysitter, house, food, bills and any miscellaneous things that will inevitable arise. No…
laziness or lack of motivation isn’t there for all single mothers on assistance. I would
assume that a lot are faced with the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness
and helplessness when faced with the fact that there is little help out there to get off the
system.

So the misconceptions and judgments are put upon us. On top of the stress we already feel, we
have to suddenly raise our children on our own. I feel it is important to point out that although
some of the above statements are true for some women… you cannot generalize. Society
today does too much of that. I also did that far too long.

2. Resentment and Depression. These were huge challenges for me. I know this could also
be true for other woman out there.

 "Why am I stuck with our child all the time?” – It took 2 of us to make these children
why am I the one who is left with all of the responsibility? The stress of being a single
parent, added to the stress of living in poverty, added to being the sole caregiver 24 / 7
 can equal internal chaos so much of the time. We all need time for ourselves; to be by
ourselves; to re-energize ourselves…to be able to go pee by ourselves is a luxury. The
resentment grows as the days go by, directed at the father… and because you cannot
control that aspect of your life anymore, your resentment, often times, is redirected at
your children.

 "Try to get a social life back? Ha! Good luck.” – Too many times when a relationship
dissolves the children become pawns, they become tools to try to break to other parent. I
can remember many times making plans for a night my daughter would be scheduled to
go to her father’s house and then have him find out about my plans and refuse to take her.
Or when I have plans with her, he’d show up and demand to take her. In retaliation I
would plan events to coincide with his visitation… and the dance would begin. One
parent trying to inflict pain on the other… all the while the one who truly suffered was
our child. How attractive is that dynamic to a prospective mate? Constant chaos not only
leads to frustration and anger, but will often chase people out of your lives so you are
even more isolated. Who wants to go out with or be friends with a woman who has that
attached to her?

 "How am I going to make this month’s rent?” – As working parents, working single
parents, or even just working adults in general I’m sure you have had to go into your
overdraft, get a payday loan, borrow money from someone, put something on a credit
card or approach your bank for a loan or credit line.

Can you imagine having something happen and not being able to access any of those
resources? I can remember one month someone broke into my mail box and stole my
welfare cheque. I can remember the feeling of panic, of despair, of fear, of desperation, of
helplessness and worry that came over my body. I was not going to be able to make
rent… I was not going to be able to buy food… what was I going to do? Again, rely on
the charity and compassion of others, to make it through.

 "Why is this happening to me?” – I don’t want to be doing this anymore. I can’t go on
living waiting for the 26th of the month to roll around so I can once again have money for
a few days. Why is this happening to me… why can’t anyone help me? I can’t do it
myself… I don’t have the tools or the resources to change this. What kind of life am I
providing for my child(ren)? Wouldn’t they be better off without me?

All of these and more contributed to my deep depression, silent rage, feelings of
worthlessness, helplessness and ultimately self hate. I had no pride left. I was lonely. I was so
depressed and frustrated at the lack of help out there, I felt like my life was so hopeless, I
contemplated suicide. Prozac quickly became my friend…

3. Guilt... the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s my experience that Shame and Guilt are
interchangeable when you are talking about it in this context. Shame and Guilt go hand in
hand.

 "You are fully capable of working… why aren’t you?” – Even though your situation is
dire, maybe you don’t have the education for a job that will pay you enough to actually
 get off of welfare and be able to live and pay at least $320 / mth (1 child; under the table)
for child care. You were brought up that if you were physically able to work you should
be working and EARNING a living.

 "Can’t you take care of your own?” – A common phrase that just evokes guilt and shame.
You can’t get away from this one in some form or another; it is all over the television,
especially Court television shows, where the judge asks a woman how do you pay for
that? Do you work? So you mean I’m paying for that. I’m raising your kids... Knowing
that eventually when you meet someone new they will ask you what you do for a living…
what do you say? I can remember the heat and redness moving up my neck and
mumbling that I was a stay at home mom. Something I would have been able to say with
pride had I not been living on social assistance. The shame and guilt that I was such a
burden on society.

 "Okay I’ll lend you the money, but let this be a lesson to you for next time.” – Asking for
help is often humiliating and extremely hard to gather the nerve up to do. My experience
has been that I would only ask my family for help when there just wasn’t any other
choice. My family has never been in the situation I was in; I perceived they thought that I
wouldn’t have money because of mismanaging… like I could really live with my
daughter on $697.00 a month. I’d hear things like “You really have to pay all your bills
every month so it won’t build up like that”… and I’d bit my tongue, cry tears of
humiliation and say I would (even though I know that the bills could never be fully paid
with what I received). Guilt of knowing I’d have to ask again.
 Personal longings / life dreams – for me coming from a Catholic upbringing and from a
“broken home”, I held the most guilt knowing that a) I had a child out of wedlock and b)
I would not be able to give my child the “intact family” I so wanted growing up. I hate
the term “broken home” so many times the household is much healthier with parents who
no longer are together.

Growing up you are constantly taught life lessons, through modeling, correcting, or being told,
and when your life doesn’t turn out like you were taught it should, you are often riddled with
guilt.

These 3 things are just a few of the struggles a single mother has to face.

In spite of these struggles; single mothers on social assistance are strong. They often have been
torn down to almost nothing, no sense of self, to find the strength to say enough.

At times it seems you just can’t go on… yet you do. You know that you have to; you are the sole
support of this perfect being you so dearly love. Your child(ren).

If not you, who? You learn to be strong, you learn to sacrifice, you learn where to go, who to
ask. You learn how to swallow your pride, to go if necessary with hat in hand, to ask for help.

You learn quickly who is most important in your life… your children.
You learn that not having money isn’t the end of the world.

When you look at your child’s smile, when you hear your child’s laughter, listen to the
comforting silence of her sleeping breath. It is reward. It gives you the strength; the drive; the
incentive to move ahead.

The love for your child gives you the drive to continue and achieve more. To create a life that is
more for you and your child. To climb your way out of poverty in whatever way you can. Being
a single mother is one of the hardest jobs out there. And I’ve experienced it from both ends… as
a mother on welfare… and as a struggling working single mother, equally as hard, for different
reasons.

As a single mother getting off welfare, I applied for and received a student loan, I worked half
days, went to school half days, and didn’t really get to spend anytime with my daughter during
the week. I would come home at the end of a long day and crawl into bed with her so I could
hold her even though she was sound asleep. I think she sensed I was there.

I can honestly say that if I didn’t ask for help or tell people about my situation I would not have
been able (financially) to finish college. It has been my experience that people love to help other
people, especially if that person is trying to help themselves.

I found free child care by asking for it. I found friends who would pick up and help out at home
with house work or child care or occasionally cooking meals for us when times got really rough.

And again the stigma of asking for someone’s help is humiliating and shameful… and you need
to ask yourself, “If a person asks me for help do I think less of them?” Guaranteed the answer is
no. Get over that stigma that causes you to stop from asking for help. People are happy to help. I
believe with drive, determination and a helping hand you can get off social assistance if you
persist. And it was done… I was officially off assistance; during the final months of my course I
began working part time on a work term with a company. They eventually hired me and offered
me more hours. I had to travel 1½ - 2 hours by bus to get there, but I was making it on my own.
And I still hardly got to see my daughter, but I was much happier with myself now, with my
accomplishments, my hard work and perseverance. The time I did spend with my daughter was
filled with joy and a happy mommy.

As a working single mom, you are still fighting to prove yourself. If some employers find out
you are a single mom they may worry that you will be off all of the time if your child is sick or if
you can’t find child care. They may worry that you will be distracted during your work day and
won’t devote as much time and energy into your job as other employees.

Strength is the name of the game, proving yourself, spreading your self over all areas of life,
being super mom to the rescue of your children, and super employee to the rescue of your boss.
Knowing all the time you can not be broken. You are strong and have the ability and capability
to take on the world… if only you had the energy.

Looking back with what I know now I would tell myself the following things:
  It’s okay to ask for help – it doesn’t make you weaker or less than
 Don’t feel guilty if you feel you just need to be by yourself – we all need to recharge our
batteries once and a while
 Cleaning can wait until the weekend - Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy your children,
colour, play and laugh. No body ever died from a messy house
 Believe in yourself – even though the situation may suck, remember you are brilliant and
fully capable of creating your own future
 Choose it – don’t fall into the victim state of mind, you choose to act or you choose not to
act… it is your decision
 Own it – take ownership for the choices you have made and are continuing to make, are
they still serving you? If not chose differently
 Engage in it – once you choose to change your life you have to start moving, begin taking
steps to make it happen
 Breathe – take the time you need to breathe and remember to do so deeply, with
intention. Breath creates space for movement to happen. A breath can cause a stressful
situation to dissipate, can cause an emotion to release, it’s all good, it lets us know we are
alive.

Over the next few months I am choosing to engage with parents, single mothers, and mothers on
assistance in a program I created called “Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously
Parenting”. It is an invitation for women to awaken to their authentic selves, full of brilliance and
discover their untapped potential. Invite them to engage and co-create with their families in a
different way. Consciously parenting with intention, and recognizing when we are not.

If there's a single group of people who are underappreciated more than any other group of
people, it has to be single parents. While everyone knows being a parent is hard, being a single
parent tends to be even harder. Not only do you have to play the roles of both parents, but you're
financially responsible for a set of bills that are usually paid by two incomes. Here are six of the
most common single parent struggles with tips and strategies on how to overcome them.

1. The Financial Challenges. When you have two people paying a mortgage of $1,400 or more a
month, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. However, when one person is responsible for that
kind of monthly payment, it becomes a big deal indeed. If you're having a hard time making your
monthly housing payment, try downsizing to a smaller home, or if that's not possible, refinance
over a longer period of time (or at a lower interest rate, if possible).

Make sure you do what you can to cut your other monthly expenses as well. Clip coupons and
shop the sales at your local grocery store, get an all-in-one phone, cable and high-speed Internet
plan and try shopping Goodwill stores for your household needs. Believe it or not, Goodwill isn't
just about used clothing. Stores donate brand new items to the Goodwill center and you can get
some really helpful household items for very little money. Even inexpensive computers for
young children can be found there.

2. Finding Competent Childcare. Many single parents are at the mercy of the childcare
opportunities available in their area. No one wants to leave her child in a childcare center that is
anything but the best. The problem is that the best is also usually the most expensive. Call the
different childcare centers in your area and compare charges and services offered. Ask each one
for references and check to see if there are any financial assistance opportunities available like
reduced price lunches.

3. Gender Issues. A mom who is a single parent may have a hard time teaching her sons about
the things a dad would normally cover and a single father may have a hard time discussing
female issues with his daughters. If there isn't a parental figure for your child to discuss gender-
related issues with, you should enlist the help of a favorite aunt or uncle or a close family friend
to act as a "surrogate parent" for your child. It may be easier for your child to open up to this
other significant adult.

4. The World On Your Shoulders. When there's only one parent in the household, all of the
family responsibilities lay on that person's shoulders. Cleaning the house, cooking meals,
keeping up the yard, paying the bills, keeping an eye on the kids and all of the other parental
responsibilities are the sole responsibility of that parent. It's easy to see that every single parent
needs a break every so often. Make sure you take a break to revive yourself and re-energize.
Even if it's just sending the kids to a sitter for a few hours, take that time to catch up on your
reading, watch a favorite movie or just relax to soothing music.

5. Feeling Lost and Alone. Many single parents find themselves feeling isolated at one point or
another. They don't really relate to singles without children because single parents have an
entirely different set of priorities and responsibilities. If you find yourself feeling a bit lonely and
you want to communicate with people who can relate to what you're going through, look into
joining a nearby support group for single parents. Besides just chatting with other adults and
exchanging thoughts and ideas, you may meet a new friend and enlarge your social circle.

6. Introducing Your Child to Those You are Dating. Having an array of boyfriends or girlfriends
running in and out of your child's life isn't good for anyone. Many single parents are confused as
to when a significant other should be introduced to your child. While it's never good to hide a
growing relationship from your child, watch that they don't become emotionally involved with
someone you're dating unless you really think the relationship is going somewhere. At that time
you can plan outings together and involve the child in the relationship on a deeper level. You
don't want to run the risk of your child getting hurt should they become attached to a person
you're dating and the relationship doesn't work out. Sometimes it happens, but try to minimize
the revolving door.

It is said that if a child has one stable adult in their lives who they can depend on, they will be ok.
You can be that person for your child

One question that many scholars are having trouble finding just one fix-it answer to is why are the poor
getting poorer? This question lays on the minds of many politicians, educators, social workers, and the
poor themselves. How are we going to stop this trend? I’ve found that through research in one area of
distress, this problem seems to have no solution, and the trap keeps getting wider-with very little chance
of escape. This area of concern is single mothers. I have looked at just a few areas of aide in a single
mothers’ life and I will point out some of the reasons why this social class is barely getting by. By
looking at the statistics of single mothers on welfare and the some barriers that many women are facing
along with the battle for child support from the fathers, I will show why this seems like a never-ending
problem for our economy. Growing up in a single parent household and battling for child support, I will
state some not so obvious facts about what these children are facing as a result of this struggle to
survive.

One of the problems with receiving welfare is the struggle to move on and get off of it.
But, not having a father in the child’s life is a huge issue that sometimes gets overshadowed by the
stress and concern of money. “At least one in four families with children in the two most populous
Indiana counties do not have a father in the home. These children are at an increased risk of poverty,
substance abuse, emotional problems, academic challenges, criminal activity and early sexual activity.”
(Erickson & King, 2001) These effects on a child are sometimes directly related to the issue of poverty in
their home. The fact is that if a child is raised in a poverty stricken home, they have less of a chance at
many of the opportunities afforded to those who are financially stable. The child support laws can help
out mothers who are seeking child support payments and backpay to help them get on their feet but
this only applies to some of the women. If the father is unemployed and can’t make payments, the
mother and children suffer. However, if the father is underemployed and can obtain a job based on
work history, occupational qualifications, prevailing job opportunities, and earnings at a community
level, he can be accounted for and sentenced to make payments. Therefore a father can’t stop work just
because he doesn’t want to pay child support. There are many cases, all of them different where a
family is failing to get out of this poverty gap based on child support payments and welfare.

So why is it so hard for women to get off of welfare once they’ve started? “In the 1990’s, studies show
that families headed by working single mothers experienced rising earnings due to the strong economy,
work supports like the Earned Income Tax Credit and child care, and a reformed welfare system. Yet
these increased earnings were fully offset by a decline in the benefits that government safety net
programs provided.” (Edin & Lein, 1997) This decline in benefits leaves the people who did not have
increased earnings deeper into poverty, making the poor that much poorer. “The benefits from working
poor mothers had from government safety programs expanded, adding increased earnings and reduced
poverty. But these benefits cancelled out income gains from higher earnings and resulted in no progress
in reducing poverty despite the growing economy.” (Edin & Lein, 1997) The fact is that even with the
possibility of increased earnings of a working mother, governmental aide programs are vital to keep
these women out of poverty.

The topic of the research is addicted single mothers and the effects of their lifestyle on their
children.

The losses in quality of life for addicted mothers and their children are profound. The mothers are not
able to develop themselves, explore their potential, and become full participating members of society
because they are constricted by their addictions and economically burdened by trying to raise
children, when they are possibly emotionally and psychologically unable to do so. The mothers feel
like personal and societal failures, and the children suffer.
Economically, the ramifications of this rippling cycle are rather large. Many of the mothers are
unable to work because they are raising children, going to school, or succumbing to their addictions.
These young women become burdens to society and their families, and often it is the taxpayers who
end up underwriting the costs. The children of addicted mothers are the innocent victims who may
carry the effects into the next generation. They do not have adequate parenting, education, or even
basic health and economic support. These are innocent children who suffer with learning and
emotional disabilities. They struggle in school and have behavioral challenges. These children are
more inclined to have the genetic and environmental components that lead to addiction, and they are
more likely to drop out of school, participate in gangs, have difficulty with significant relationships
lead to gang participation. Unfortunately, many of the factors that lead to gang participation are the
same qualities present in the addicted home dysfunctional relationships, birth complications, poor
health, and violence in the home. Poverty in the home, lack of supervision, poor emotional support
for the child, and lack of role models in the home, factors present in addicted households, are similar
to the reasons that young boys join gangs (Interagency task, p.1). If economics are low in the home,
which they may be in a single mother household, the youth find that they can earn money by selling
drugs to others, perpetuating the cycle into another generation, and even further, if a young female
gang member becomes pregnant from gang associations. During the Clinton administration, there
was a push to reduce welfare participation and all the societal problems that accompany generational
dependence on welfare, including unwed mothers and substance abuse. By the 1980s, this country
started feeling a "rising anxiety about the dependent and self-destructive behavior of the poor be it
school drop-out rates, teen pregnancy, nonwork, or drug addiction" (Besharov and Fowler, 1993,
p.95). The growth in numbers of out-of-wedlock birt