Wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8?

i dropped out of newcastle primary skool im

the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked ova 300 chocolate globbernaughts frum
tha corner shop. im trained in street fitin’ & im the strongest foker in tha entire
newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil bellend w/ a fit mum & fakebling

helo my name is dongerino pasterino ヽ༼ຈ͜‫ل‬ຈ༽ﾉ, i am 69 year old donger from

imaqtmeatloaf’s stream . 420 years ago i was kidnapped and put into a donger
concentration camp for 9001 years. 1 year ago, imaqtlasagne and imaqtpie invaded
͡ ͜ʖ
the camp and rescued me. now i work as teacherino, passing down the wisdom of ( °
͡°) to young dongers.

Gr8 b8, m8. I rel8, str8 appreci8, and congratul8. I r8 this b8 an 8/8. Plz no h8,
I’m str8 ir8. Cre8 more, can’t w8. We should convers8, I won’t ber8, my number is
8888888, ask for N8. No calls l8 or out of st8. If on a d8, ask K8 to loc8. Even
with a full pl8, I always have time to communic8 so don’t hesit8

˙ʇı ‫ןן‬ɐɔ noʎ ɹǝʌǝʇɐɥʍ ɹo ,ɐʇǝq, pǝɹǝpısuoɔ buıǝq ɟo ʞɔıs ɯ,ı ˙ʇı ʇnoqɐ ʎɹɔ oʇ ǝɯ oʇ
ʞ‫ן‬ɐʇ ʎ‫ן‬uo puɐ ‘ʇıɥs ǝʞı‫ ן‬ɯǝɥʇ ʇɐǝɹʇ oɥʍ sʎnb bɐqǝɥɔnop ɹǝʇɟɐ ob sʎɐʍ‫ן‬ɐ s‫ן‬ɹıb ǝsǝɥʇ
puǝ ǝɥʇ uı ˙ʎpɐ‫ן‬,ɯ ɹoɟ buıɥʇʎuɐ op p‫ן‬noʍ puɐ ‘qo‫ ظ‬ǝɔıu ɐ ʞɹoʍ ‘ʎnb ǝɔıu ɐ ɯ,ı ˙ǝuoz
puǝıɹɟ ǝɥʇ uı ʇnd buıǝq sʎɐʍ‫ן‬ɐ ı ɯɐ ʎɥʍ

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength
and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two
candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together
until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior
one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in
general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are
genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot
survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness,
but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I
am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to
eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card
reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to
thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider
this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a
field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.