• Mindset

• Actions

• Sex

• Conflict

• Self-care

• The bottom line

Share on Pintere st

Want to Know The Secrets Of Making A Person Fall in Love With You?
If binge-watching “Jane the Virgin” and “Grace and Frankie” on
Netflix has taught us anything, it’s those relationships are messy.

Personal experience proves it too: From our eighth-grade romance to our

most recent breakup drama, “love isn’t easy” is a life lesson we know all too
well.

No matter your status — single, dating, engaged, or married —

relationships take work. Whether they end with tears and empty Ben &
Jerry’s or last until forever may depend on countless factors, but
your actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.

One thing that’ll give you an advantage in the game of love? Soaking up all
the wisdom you can from relationship therapists, researchers,
matchmakers, and more.

Here, we’ve distilled it down to the very best advice 15 experts have learned.
Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you find the
key to long-lasting happiness.
Get into a healthy mindset

1. Look for someone with similar values

“For long-lasting love, the more similarity (e.g., age, education, values,
personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should be especially sure that
their values match before getting into marriage.

Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a

difference in values is particularly problematic if the goal is long-lasting
love.

Another secret for a long marriage: Both partners need to commit to

making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break up a
relationship are the partners themselves.”

— Kelly Campbell, PhD, associate professor of psychology and human

development at California State University, San Bernardino

2. Never take your partner for granted

“This may sound obvious, but you can’t imagine how many people come to
couples therapy too late, when their partner is done with a relationship and
wants to end it.

It is very important to realize that everyone potentially has a breaking

point, and if their needs are not met or they don’t feel seen by the other,
they will more than likely find it somewhere else.
Many people assume that just because they are OK without things, they
want so is their partner. ‘No relationship is perfect’ shouldn’t be used as a
rationalization for complacency.”

— Irina Firstein, LCSW, individual and couples’ therapist

3. Stop trying to be each other’s

“everything”
“‘You are my everything’ is a lousy pop-song lyric and an even worse
relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Create
relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn’t going to
work anymore.”

— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSEd, founder of Tribeca Therapy

Love is a verb

4. Do or say something daily to show

your appreciation
“Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day yields
big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and appreciated,
they’re happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the
relationship better and stronger.
And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show
you’re paying attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card,
fix a favourite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, ‘You’re sexy,’
‘You’re the best dad,’ or ‘Thank you for being so wonderful.’”

— Terri Orbuch, PhD, professor at Oakland University and author of 5

Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

5. Make sure you’re meeting your

partner’s needs
“The number one thing I have learned about love is that it is a trade and a
social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving relationships are a process by
which we get our needs met and meet the needs of our partners too.

When that exchange is mutually satisfying, then good feelings continue to

flow. When it is not, then things turn sour, and the relationship ends.

That is why it is important to pay attention to what you and your partner
actually do for each other as expressions of love… not just how you feel
about each other in the moment.”

— Jeremy Nicholson, MSW, PhD, psychologist and dating expert

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person Fall In Love With You?
6. Don’t just go for the big O
“Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy,
stress relief, improved health (improved immune and cardiovascular
system), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, thanks to the
wonderful release of hormones due to physical touch. There are many more
reasons to have sex than just getting off.”

— Kat Van Kirk, PhD, licensed marriage and sex therapist

7. Don’t forget to keep things hot

“Many times, people become increasingly shy with the person they love the
more as time goes by. Partners begin to take their love for granted and
forget to keep themselves turned on and to continue to seduce their
partner.

Keep your ‘sex esteem’ alive by keeping up certain practices on a regular

basis. This allows you to remain vibrant, sexy, and engaged in your love
life.”

— Sari Cooper, LCSW, licensed individual, couples’, and sex therapist

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person Fall In Love With You?
8. Remove the pressure on performance
“The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such as having an
orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should happen with
penetration. With these strict expectations come a pressure on performance
that ultimately leads many to feel a sense of failure and frustration.

Instead, try to expand your concept of sex to include anything that involves
close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages,
taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together,
playing with some fun toys… the possibilities are endless.

And if orgasm happens, great, and if not, that’s OK too. When you expand
your definition of sex and lower the pressure on orgasm and penetration,
the anxiety around performance dissipates and your satisfaction can
escalate.”

— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, sex and relationship therapist at The

Intimacy Institute

Handling conflict

9. It’s not what you fight about — it’s how

you fight
“Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to

predict whether couples remain together or get divorced:

contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and

defensiveness.

Together, they’re known as ‘The Four Horsemen.’ Instead of resorting to

these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places where each partner’s goal
overlaps into a shared common goal and build from that. Also, focus on
using ‘I’ versus ‘you’ language.”

— Sean Horan, PhD, associate professor of communication studies at Texas

State University

10. Try a nicer approach

“Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines both
how the rest of that conversation will go and how the rest of the
relationship will go. Many times an issue is brought up by attacking or
blaming one’s partner, also known as criticism, and one of the killers of a
relationship.

So start gently. Instead of saying, ‘You always leave your dishes all over the
place! Why can’t you pick anything up?’ try a gentler approach, focusing
on your own emotional reaction and a positive request.

For example: ‘I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room. Would
you please put them back in the kitchen when you’re finished?’”
— Carrie Cole, MEd, LPC-S, certified master trainer and director of
research at The Gottman Institute

11. Identify your “good conflicts”

“Every couple has what I call a ‘good conflict.’ In long-term relationships,
we often feel that the thing you most need from your partner is the very
thing he or she is least capable of giving you. This isn’t the end of love — it’s
the beginning of deeper love! Don’t run from that conflict.

It’s supposed to be there. In fact, it’s your key to happiness as a couple

— if you both can name it and commit to working on it together as a couple.
If you approach your ‘good conflicts’ with bitterness, blame, and contempt,
your relationship will turn toxic.”

— Ken Page, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to

Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

Make time for self-care

12. Take time apart

“A friend taught me that no matter how in love you are or how long you’ve
been together, it’s important to take an exhale from your partnership.
Hang out with girlfriends until late in the evening, take a weekend trip to
visit family, or just spend time ‘doing you’ for a while. Then when you go
home to Yours Truly, you’ll both be recharged and ready to come together
even stronger.”

— Amy Baglan, CEO of MeetMindful, a dating site for people into healthy
living, well-being, and mindfulness

13. Don’t abandon yourself

“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment.

We can abandon ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or ignoring

our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late
or messy), physical (eating badly, not exercising), relational (creating
conflict in a relationship), or spiritual (depending too much on your partner
for love).

When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon
yourself, you will discover how to create a loving relationship with your
partner.”

— Margaret Paul, PhD, relationship expert and co-creator of Inner Bonding

Want To Know The Secrets Of making A Person fall In Love With You?
14. Create a fulfilling life
“Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage required self-
sacrifice. Lots of it. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I didn’t have to
become a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order to make our
marriage work.

She showed me that my responsibility in creating a fulfilling and joyful life

for myself was as important as anything else that I could do for her or the
kids.

Over the years, it’s become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility

to provide for my own well-being is as important as my responsibility to
others.

This is easier said than done, but it is perhaps the single most important
thing we can do to ensure that our relationship will be mutually satisfying.”

— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of That Which

Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places

The bottom line

Sometimes we get so hung up on our expectations that we miss how
beautiful our relationships are — and the lessons they’re teaching us.
Realize that every relationship has value, no matter how long it lasts.
“There’s no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships simply evolve into
what they were always meant to be. It’s best not to try to make something
that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a lifelong relationship. Let go
and enjoy the journey.”

— April Beyer, matchmaker and dating and relationship expert

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person fall In Love With You?
 • The science

• The good news

• Boredom

• Disagreements

• Sexual rut

• tl;dr

Share on Pintere st

Fighting all the time? Bored as hell (even with the sex)? Spending more and
more time alone? Yup, we’ve been there. And, chances are, your partner is
going through the same thing.
Relationship ruts are normal alongside a changing dynamic. As you move
from wanting to tear their clothes off every day to a calmer, more regular
part of the relationship, the adjustment process isn’t without bumps.

However, the fact that ruts are a natural result of progressing relationships
doesn’t make them easier to digest — they’re frustrating, abrasive, and can
even turn toxic if people don’t address and work through them.

While there’s plenty to think about, sometimes, simply refreshing the vibe
can be enough to put things on the right track again.

That’s why we’ve gathered together a big ol’ list of ways to jump start a
fizzling relationship.

A love for the ages: The science

behind sticking it out
“Gosh, I wish there was some magic formula to help us get along again…”
Well, magic might be a bit of a reach, but, as always, science has got you
covered.

According to a study carried out in 2011, couples’ long-term satisfaction

with each other and the success of their relationship depends on a few key
factors: Trusted Source

• thinking positively about each other

• thinking about each other when they’re apart

 • acting affectionately toward each other

• sharing new and challenging activities

• generally being happy in both their individual and shared lives

• having sex

Sounds great to us — but the truth is that virtually no relationship elicits

feelings of pure bliss all the time. It’s normal for people in long-term
relationships to go through ebbs and flows of intimacy.

And while we’re all multifaceted people who are much more than just a
relationship or a job, how we feel about our partner can have a considerable
effect on well-being while we’re in young adulthood, according to a 2019
review of studies. Trusted Source

There’s no official definition or time frame for lulls in affection, since they
take different forms in different relationships.

However, general signs of being in a rut include fighting a lot, being bored,
and losing interest in sexual activity. Each part of a rut needs addressing —
you can have some sexy fun if you like, but if you’re fighting as soon as
you’re finished, it’s still not a healthy dynamic.

Here are some more slightly bonkers reasons that people fall in love.

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person Fall In Love With You?
The good news…
Since relationship ruts are a common phenomenon, people have put a lot of
effort into finding ways to haul ourselves out of them.

Before trying to rejuvenate a relationship, remember there’s nothing wrong

with losing a little passion now and again. Maybe you’re working too much
or not striking an even balance between your time for intimacy and your
obligations to others.

Perhaps you or your partner have chronic health concerns that might stand
in the way of sexual activity or require some workarounds.

You may spend long periods of time apart due to travel, work, or family.

Whatever the reason, it’s important to put in effort to sustain the

relationship — if, of course, you both want to continue dating — during
these lulls.

The same way you’d try to push a car with a dead battery the rest of the way
to the mechanics to fire up the power, you might need a little elbow grease
to get the relationship moving again.

Here’s your action plan to bring the satisfaction back.

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person fall In Love With You?
The boredom rut: Either beat the
boring or embrace it
Boredom is a creeping menace in a relationship that can slowly disarm all
the fun parts. Plus, it’s comfortable, and it often doesn’t feel worth turning
into an argument, so you may not start to address boredom until it’s too
late.

1. Try (exciting!) new activities

Share on Pintere st

It goes without saying that sharing activities and memories is key to

maintaining a relationship. But doing the same things all the time can
become repetitive and tedious.

Stave off the blahs by trying new and exhilarating activities together.
Take a weekend trip somewhere you’ve never been, rent an eScooter and
zip around your nearest city (if they’re legal there), go and get a couples
massage, try ice skating for the first time — whatever it is, make sure it’s
novel, exciting, and collaborative.

And don’t be afraid to get goofy! Silly memories are keepers too. We bet you
don’t reminisce together about that time you were really good at ice skating,
put it that way.

And you needn’t leave the house! Cook dinner naked (unless you have a
street-facing kitchen window), play “the floor is lava,” or practice your hide-
and-seek skills. Playing together very often supports staying together.

Still at a loss for ideas? Try reflecting on exciting things you did together in
the beginning of the relationship and recreate those experiences or revisit
the location where you met. Even taking a stroll down memory lane will
spark a wanderlust that inspires you.

Unless you met somewhere boring, like the office. (P.S. Office romance can
be awkward and boundaries are important.)

2. Create a “Couple’s Bucket List”

Work together to create a list of things you want to do together as a couple,
without the “excitement” requirement. Not everything has to be an insane
adrenalin rush.

Sometimes, it’s best to embrace the boring — it doesn’t mean that the
everyday can’t still nourish and connect the two of you.
Maybe you make a promise to cook dinner together once a week (naked or
otherwise), form a little book club together where you read the same thing
and chat about it, or start a home workout together. Perhaps you could even
get a pet.

Then choose three items from the list and tackle them over the next 3
months. Having goals as a couple means you can grow together without
needing constant stimulation. Goals also help you keep bad habits at bay.

3. Kick screens out of the bedroom

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with snuggling up and watch trash TV
together. However, you need a screen-free haven in your home in which
you can really connect with each other. So it might as well be where you
sleep and bang.

Ditch the screens, laptops, tablets, and phones, and pay attention to each
other instead.

Mindless scrolling engages nothing except the shares of social media

companies. Even if it’s just a conversation about the news of the day, or
what’s going on with your partner’s family, stay curious about your partner.

If you too concerned with what’s happening on reruns of “Dawson’s Creek”

or on the profile of a person you dislike, you might be neglecting one of the
people closest to you.

Here’s how to stop doom scrolling through the Internet so you can spend a
little quality time together.
4. Make mini dates
Too busy for a weekly date night?

Try eating breakfast together, meeting for lunch, or designating 20 minutes

every evening to chat uninterrupted — no distractions allowed. Special time
together feels special, even if it involves really mundane activities like
eating bagels.

One of our writers went on 300 Tinder dates to pull together dating advice
for you. Oh, the sacrifices we make.

The fighting rut: Agree to disagree

Nothing sours the air like a lovers’ spat. It’s time to get to the root of the
matter.

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person fall In Love With You?
5. Communicate about each other’s
needs

Share on Pintere st

It’s always better to put difficult topics out there for discussion.

Bottling up resentments and holding grudges can mess with how happy you
are in the relationship and in yourself. Trusted Source

Plus, when a relationship isn’t meeting one or both of your emotional and
sexual needs, the chances of infidelity and dissatisfaction go up, according
to earlier research from 2006.Trusted Source

It’s super important to let your partner know when they’re falling short of
expectations or that the relationship isn’t how you’d like it to be. However,
presenting this in an open, calm manner and listening to your partner’s
feelings are essential for ensuring this doesn’t escalate.
6. Identify what you like about each other
Years into a relationship, you can sometimes be so used to a person’s
positive traits that they fall into the background a little, pushing the quirks
and irritations to the fore.

It’s important to regularly express appreciation through positive feedback.

Constant negativity seems a lot more natural during a phase of regular
fights. But actively deciding to break that cycle can help the two of you
repair the dynamic.

Challenge yourself to sit down and make a list of things you like about your
partner. Then share them. (If it becomes too much of a challenge, you may
need to ask yourself why you’re in the relationship at all.)

You should like and appreciate each other as people, even if you sometimes
operate at cross-purposes. It’s always best to come back to that.

7. Work out together

Not only does a duel sweat-blasting session increase workout motivation, it
can also improve couples’ communication. It’s also fun and makes you feel
good.

If you’re both feeling great about yourselves, you’re less likely to get into the
headspace where you start arguing.

Get started with these kick-ass exercises to try together.

8. Talk through problems with people
outside the relationship
You may feel that your business is your business and no one else needs to
know that you’re fighting with your partner. But fresh perspective could
give you ideas you didn’t consider and approaches to try that could smooth
over the problems.

It’s easy for couples to get stuck in the same old fight patterns behind
closed doors. So find someone you trust to help you break that pattern. If
you don’t feel comfortable talking to family or a friend, then seek the help
of therapist.

This gives you both a shot at changing the outcome of the conflict.

Friends can break up with you too, and it hurts equally. Be sure to share
important shit with the ones you have.

9. If you live together, share household

chores evenly
This is a huuuuuuuuge kicker. When you’re first getting with someone,
you’re hardly thinking “Ooh, yes, their washing up technique is so good,
they’re going to be so useful around the home later on in life…”

But when the exciting bits subside a little, and you start to share
responsibilities, there may well be a push-and-pull when it comes to who
does what.
Unequal distribution of chores can trigger all manner of arguments. Even if
you aren’t tackling the same chores, make sure you’re sharing the workload.

(If you’re not usually that organized when it comes to housework, here’s
how to get shit done.)

Also, work out what your partner is comfortable or skilled at doing. You
might be a DIY expert but never have successfully used a washing machine
without shrinking everything — so stick to what you’re good at.

If you can learn a thing or two about chores you didn’t previously know,
that’s great. But sticking to your strengths isn’t a problem, so long as you
both get sh*t done.

Bonus points: A 2016 article also found that husbands and wives who do
housework together have more sex. Trusted Source

“I mean, all of our clothes are in the laundry, so we might as well…”

10. Bounce back after a bust-up

Handling disagreements well — by, for example, practicing forgiveness and
avoiding judgment — predicts more positive emotions and satisfaction in
the relationship. Trusted Source

It’s less important to solve the conflict than it is to treat each other well,
even if there’s no solution to be found. Yes, it’s corny, but sometimes you
will have to agree to disagree. Ugh.
Forgiveness is no simple task (and it doesn’t mean staying in an abusive
relationship) — but learning it can make you infinitely happier. Here’s how.

The sexless rut: Naked ambition

When the experience of taking off your pants becomes… well, pants, really.

11. Take it online

Share on Pintere st

The internet is a treasure trove of information, interaction, and puppy

GIFs. But it’s also where the horny and curious come out to explore their
sexuality and learn their boundaries.
Online sexual activity (like watching porn or having cybersex) alone or with
a partner can enhance the intimacy, quality, and frequency of your
bedroom fun times with your S.O. Trusted Source

If watching porn together isn’t something you’ve tried yet, broaching the
topic may feel weird. But it’s likely that if you’re feeling uninspired by the
sex you have, your partner may feel the same way.

Suggesting new tricks and games to try, with ethical online inspiration at
hand (and tongue, and everything else) may well be the Pandora’s box the
two of you needed.

Likewise, if you feel like exploring The Internet Of Sexy Things solo, that
may also help you bring new ideas into the bedroom. However, too much of
a good thing can be less great — if it feels like porn is taking over your sex
life, ease off a little.

12. Create a “fantasy jar”

We’re not saying you have to decorate a glass receptacle with pictures of
Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones” (although if that’s what you’re into, go
for it).

Write out all of the fantasies each of you want to try separate pieces of
paper. Stick ’em all in a jar, then take turns picking out of the jar and acting
out the fantasies. It might feel out-of-character at first, but that’s literally
the point.
Here are some role-play ideas to get your juices flowing. Creative juices, we
mean. Obviously.

13. Put sex on the schedule

Toss out the idea that spontaneous sex is the only way to have good sex. It’s
likely that the days of out-of-the-blue bonking extravaganzas aren’t
necessarily behind you, but are definitely waning.

And that’s fine. Good sex is good sex whether you plan for it or not.

When we’re crazy busy, sex can be one of the first things to fall by the
wayside. But sex is also key to maintaining intimacy and relationship
satisfaction. Trusted Source

If you know your partner’s body well enough to stimulate multiple orgasms
or even orgasm at the same time.

So come up with a schedule for doing it and stick to it. The mindset doesn’t
need to be “WEDNESDAY AT 5:13 P.M. GET NAKED!” But if you wake up
knowing you want to be physically close to your partner, float the idea of
sex later on in the day. It may help you both get in the mood.

And if the fact that sex burns calories isn’t motivation enough, we don’t
know what is.

Want To Know The Secrets Of Making A Person fall In Love With You?
14. Sext while you’re apart
It’ll build anticipation for fun times later in the day.

However, building anticipation is key. You’ve been together a while and

know the boundaries of the other person. So start by letting them know
you’re thinking about them in naughty ways, and ramp up the sexual
tension in ways with which you’re both comfortable.

Dirty talk is a skill worth building up in a long-term relationship — here’s

how.

15. Shake things up

If you’re used to long, slow sessions, change up routines by having the
occasional quickie or getting jiggy with it in unusual places.

The sex usually feels great — it’s the routine that starts to grate. Being
comfortable with each other’s turn-ons during a long-term relationship
needn’t mean that you’re bored.

16. Don’t forget non-sexual touch

Hugs, massages, an arm slipped around a waist — these small actions can
all boost feelings of affection. Sometimes, we may feel like we’re craving sex
but really, we just want a good cuddle, or a sign that our partner still wants
to be physically close.

Extend those little gestures, touches, and signs that show a unique physical
connection without leading all the way to sex. As a result, sex will feel far
more natural when there are moments of arousal and electricity.

For our male readers, here’s how to cuddle without getting a boner.

The general rut

Because sometimes, you just can’t pinpoint the thing that’s going wrong.

17. Don’t be embarrassed to seek external

support

Share on Pintere st
It’s probably not a great idea to propose couples therapy only 6 weeks into a
relationship. But for couples seeking long-term happiness, couples therapy
or counselling is a very reasonable (and sometimes necessary) choice.

It’s not admitting defeat — it’s refusing to accept defeat. Sometimes, you
simply need an external, impartial mediator. Couples therapy can offer this.

You need to work out if repairing your relationship will take more work
than it’s worth.

18. Remember not all relationships are

worth saving
Yes, relationships go through phases of closeness and brief rifts.
Sometimes, however, people just aren’t compatible.

If the bitterness and resentment in the relationship has reached the level of
emotional, physical, or sexual abuse — it’s never okay. If you’re being
treated badly, get the hell out of there.

Someone worth your time deserves you more. If you feel trapped,
pressured, or unable to leave an abusive relationship, the National
Domestic Violence Hotline can help you work out your next steps.

We also compiled 22 other resources to help if you’re a victim of domestic

abuse.
19. Work on yourself first
Surrounding yourself with people who make you happy, unsurprisingly,
makes you happy.

And being confident in yourself means that you’re more likely to pursue
friendships and relationships because those people add something to your
world, not because of neediness.

Satisfaction in relationships is tied to contentment throughout your

personal life. The happier a person is in general, the happier they’re likely
to be within a given relationship. Trusted Source

Don’t rely on a partner to make your life great. Instead, work to make your
life fulfilling and positive, regardless of whom you’re dating. Happy wife,
happy life? More like happy you, happy everything else.

To quote the great philosopher RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how in
the hell you going to love someone else? And yes, we can have an Amen,
thank you very much.

Here’s how to start building your confidence right this very second.

tl;dr
Relationships are tough. They can start to slow down on the activities front
(and the sexual one) and can devolve into fights and ill will.
However, we’re all adults here. Communicating openly and approaching
your partner with curiosity, appreciation, and patience will get you over
many of the road bumps you’ll face.

You don’t have to be in any relationship that makes you unhappy — they
should enrich your life, not burden you with obligations and regrets. If you
feel that way, you may not have been ready for long-term love.

Not all ruts are a bad sign, though. Sometimes, it’s just your relationship
changing over time — and that’s natural.

Want To Know The Secrets Of making A Person Fall In Love With You?