Wellbeing

The 10 most common problems people

have in relationships – and how to solve
them
Every relationship experiences issues and pressures at one
point or another, from arguments to problems with sex or
worries over […]

Everyone can experience relationship problems (Illustration: Mark Long)

By i Team
February 9, 2018 11:20 am(Updated July 17, 2020 3:04 pm)

Every relationship experiences issues and pressures at one point or

another, from arguments to problems with sex or worries over money.
Here, Relate counsellor Rachel Davies addresses the 10 most common
problems people have in relationships and how they can be worked out

1. Arguments
Have rules for rows, such as taking time out, not swearing and sticking to the
point. Make a time to talk about any issues before they build up. Ask yourself
what you’re really unhappy about. Arguments about whose turn it was to load
the dishwasher are often about deeper issues you haven’t been able to express,
such as anger or sadness.

2. Communication
Some couples have different communication styles, such as talkers versus non-
talkers, or people who deal with things via talking versus people who like to get
on with things. Other couples used to communicate well but have stopped
listening to each other; instead they try to fill in the blanks and mind-read.
Sometimes every conversation becomes a battle.

All of these problems can be overcome if the couple is willing to identify what
goes wrong and make some changes. You can even do this by yourself if your
partner won’t talk to you about it. Ask yourself: “What happens when I want to
talk about something important?” “When did I last try hard to really listen and
understand my partner?”

Some couples who used to communicate well have stopped listening to each
other [Illustration: Mark Long]

Think through what you want to say first. Choose your time and place. Practice
“talk time”, where you each have three minutes to say what you need to say
uninterrupted and then your partner responds. Use email or write a letter if you
have something important to say that you can’t find the words for. Try to use “I”
statements and avoid blaming the other person; when people get defensive it’s
hard to listen well.
3. Growing apart
“Some couples change together, but it can be difficult when one of you seems to
do most of the changing”

t’s normal to change over time. Some couples change together, but it can be
difficult when one of you seems to do most of the changing. It’s important to
think about how you can have a successful relationship with this “new” person
and not spend your energy grieving over the person they were. This has the
potential to be exciting, as you can discover new ways of being together. If you
talk to each other and really feel you want different things as individuals, your
relationship can still work, as long as you have enough that keeps you connected
as a couple.

4. Infidelity
Relationships can be rebuilt after affairs, but it takes honesty and a willingness to
respond to the wounds that are left. Affairs don’t usually happen out of the blue,
so it’s worth spending time trying to learn lessons, such as were you both happy
before, were you talking, did you feel you had lost intimacy? Sometimes these
conversations are hard and you may find talking with a neutral third party such
as a counsellor helpful.

Relationships can be rebuilt after affairs [Illustration Mark Long]

5. Traumas
Life events and external pressures can have an impact on your relationship.
Some people cope by pulling together, but it’s just as common to find that events
pull you apart. Try not to clam up and battle on alone. Let your partner know
how you feel. For example, they may not realise that you’re awake at night
worrying about your dad’s health and that’s why you’re grumpy in the morning.
Try to see life stressors as something you face together as “team us”. But
remember that in a long-term relationships, other things take priority at times
and that’s OK.

6. Appreciation
You can end up feeling unappreciated or neglected when one partner isn’t giving
enough time to the relationship, by working long hours or prioritising children,
for example. Discuss this. What do you both offer to the relationship? How does
the division of labour work for you? Sometimes it’s about communication – for
example, your partner values what you do for them but doesn’t say it. Help
yourselves feel appreciated by noticing and telling each other.

Some sexual problems may need specialist medical help [Illustration: Mark Long]

7. Sex
Some sexual problems may need specialist medical help, either via a
conversation with your GP or through seeing a trained sex therapist (find our
more here). Sometimes how much sex you want or what you want your sex life to
be like can become a problem. It’s worth considering how you communicate with
your partner about sex and how you might be able to talk more openly. Also ask
yourself whether the sexual issue is a symptom of other difficulties in your
relationship or whether you are getting on really well apart from this one thing.
If this is the case, talk about what you want and don’t want, and be kind and
respectful to your partner’s wants and desires.

8. Money
“One in 10 people argue with their partner about money, debt or finances at least
once a fortnight”

Financial pressures can be a burden for many, according to Relate’s recent

report, “In Too Deep”, which found that one in 10 people argue with their partner
about money, debt or finances at least once a fortnight. However, keeping issues
such as debt from your partner can also cause problems such as mistrust. There
is no right or wrong attitude towards money, and some people are more
naturally savers or spenders. If your attitudes are similar, there’s unlikely to be a
problem. But if they’re different, it could be a source of tension in your
relationship. Many couples find it helpful to have some shared money for their
shared expenses as well as some financial independence.

9. Boredom
Most long-term partners go through phases of feeling stuck in a rut or where you
love each other but do not feel “in love”, and it’s natural that your relationship
changes over time. Companionship, compatibility, shared history and knowing
someone inside-out are often the things people value in long-term relationships,
yet sometimes these get taken for granted. If these things don’t feel enough for
you and you want to create more excitement, try to think about what needs to
happen, then talk to your partner. Try to be part of the solution to getting out of
the rut rather than complaining about your partner’s role in getting you stuck.

Its very easy for parents to adopt good cop/bad cop roles [Illustration:Mark
Long]

10. Children
It’s very easy for parents to become polarised, with one being the good cop and
the other the bad. Co-parenting doesn’t always feel co-operative when you have
different styles. Often this happens as we have firm ideas that we get from our
upbringing and assume this is the norm. House rules that you agree as a family
can be helpful; presenting a consistent position on as much as possible can avoid
the bad cop/good cop scenario. There’s lots of evidence that children pick up on
parental conflict, so it helps them if you minimise this. Also remember that
there’s more to your relationship than your family – you will be a couple even
after the kids have left home. So try to find time for each other – it will benefit
your relationship and that’s good for the whole family.

Relationship Problem: Communication

All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to
Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't
communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or
flipping through the sports section," she says.
Problem-solving strategies:

 Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If

you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to
bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
 If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a
public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be
embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
  Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is
through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You
never ...."
 Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at
your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows
you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For
instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though
you have more chores at home, even though we're both working."
If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person
really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work
for me by having to pick up after you," they can say so, but in a
nicer way.

Relationship Problem: Sex

Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo
Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-
awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is
one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says,
"brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both
physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple
healthy."
Problem-solving strategies:

 Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not

necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the
baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask
friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a
sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your
anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex
more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the
fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
  Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you
coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California
psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to
create more scenarios that turn you both on.
 If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your
own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help
you both address and resolve your issues.

Relationship Problem: Money

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are
exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship
or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit
Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes
take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:

 Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have

gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
 Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside
a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
 Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender,
understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from
each other's tendencies.
 Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a
recent credit report, pay stubs, bank
statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the
table.
 Don't blame.
 Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
 Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly
bills.
  Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money
to be spent at their discretion.
 Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have
individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
 Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to
appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores

Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job.
So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette
Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating  From the Inside Ou
roblem-solving strategies:

 Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says.
"Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.
 Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring
for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry
and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels
fair to both of you.

Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a

Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal
point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationships lose their
luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author
of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.
Problem-solving strategies:
 Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment
each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
 Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other
important event in your life.
 Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that
they matter.
Relationship Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman.
But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the
movie Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to
break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a
calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make
these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.

 Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
 Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments
geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments
are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
 Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and
unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift
can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your
partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such
a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
 Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and
watch something wonderful happen.

"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is
you."

Relationship Problem: Trust

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause
you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that
prevent you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these
tips, Fay says.

 Be consistent.
 Be on time.
 Do what you say you will do.
 Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
  Be fair, even in an argument.
 Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't
discount how your partner is feeling.
 Call when you say you will.
 Call to say you'll be home late.
 Carry your fair share of the workload.
 Don't overreact when things go wrong.
 Never say things you can't take back.
 Don't dig up old wounds.
 Respect your partner's boundaries.
 Don’t be jealous.
 Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship,

Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if
not avoid them altogether.
First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will
be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy.
"Ask for what you need directly," she says.
Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.
Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what
needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better with someone
else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that get in the
way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what
relationship you're in.
INFIDELITY

It's not an easy thing to heal from — but according to marriage and family
therapist Amanda D. Mahoney, patients who find success staying together
after someone cheats have one main thing in common: "There's a willingness
to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair
versus focusing solely on the act of the affair itself," she explains.
That's not to be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing to
issues in the relationship as excuses. But if you're able to get real with your
partner on what hasn't been working — without playing the blame game — it's
a good sign that your relationship has the potential to be repaired.

In fact, it may not simply be repaired, but you may come out even stronger
than before if you handle it the right way.

Be honest about why it happened

This is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be
able to move forward. "People can make poor choices at times," says Mahoney.
"The question then becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now
have to dictate the future of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the
motivating factors behind the affair." Underlying unmet needs in the
relationship, poor communication, attachment difficulties and antiquated
gender roles can all be impetus for an affair — ones that Mahoney has helped
couples work through in her practice.

“Infidelity is very complex, there’s a lot of depth and complexity to why people
might cheat and how you can find a way back to each other,” adds Elmquist,
who says insight is curcial. "Why did this happen? Where was the breakdown?
What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door
for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is
going to be important.”

But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it
happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible.
"[The reason] can’t be overly simplified, such as 'I’m a man' or 'it just
happened,'" says marriage coach and author Lesli Doares. "The only way to
rebuild trust is to be completely clear why it happened so when faced with a
similar situation in the future, a different choice will be made."

Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his
own to work through it. "By the time I felt strong enough to leave, my husband
had been in therapy for a couple of years and had done so much work to
understand why he'd risked a family he loved for relationships that didn't
really matter," says Grant. "I respected how hard he'd worked. He had done
everything he could to support me as I healed."

Remove temptations to re-engage with the affair

If the affair is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with
the person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process.
"Deleting contact information, blocking numbers and removing social media
contacts will be essential," says Dr. Brandon Santan, a licensed marriage and
relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee.

Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was
more complicated. "I do think 'no contact' is important, but sometimes it's
impossible," she says. "In that case, there needs to be transparency about any
interactions."

Move forward with brutal honesty and care

Being cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that
needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty. "The lying is
a huge part of the betrayal,' says Doares, which is why she encourages the
person who cheated to be brutally honest about all the details of the affair to
move forward — not just the ones that will hurt his or her partner the least.
"The cheater has to be completely transparent and answer any and all
questions," she says.

This level of transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that
trust back up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process.
"My husband gave up anything that made me uncomfortable (like going out
with the boys after work). I had access to any/all electronics/emails,
passwords etc. He told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems
humiliating in the short term, but he understood that that was how he was
going to rebuild trust," she says.
“You’re going to have to set other things aside for a while and you’re really
going to have to pour into this relationship in order for it to have a fresh,
strong, new foundation,” adds Elmquist.

Be selective about who you tell

Your gut reaction might be to blast your partner's indiscretions across social
media for all to see, which Travis McNulty, LMHC, practicing in Florida says is
a common coping mechanism. "I’ve seen people in this position go to extreme
lengths to hurt their spouse in a very public manner," he says. "Often this
is done out of rage and with lack of clarity that usually makes the person who
was cheated on look bad or crazy by how they react." It's healthy to talk to
someone about what you're going through, especially to a therapist. But telling
everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring.

"The more people that know about it, the more people are going to have their
opinions based off of purely trying to protect you from getting hurt," McNulty
explains. "This is the therapist’s worst nightmare because coalitions and
allegiances amongst friends and family members really make moving forward
difficult." Especially if you two do decide to work through this. "The person
who was cheated on may be able to forgive and move on, but the family still
holds an intense grudge that usually puts more pressure on an already
vulnerable relationship that is trying to rebuild and move on," says McNulty.

Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect

with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says
played a large part in her healing process. "I created my site because I was
desperate for a community of women who knew what I was going through and
who wouldn't judge," she says. Our culture lacks real understanding around
how devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only
to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up
with it.'"

Consider working with a licensed therapist

 After an affair, it can be hard to know what to do or even where to start. If the
conversations you're having with your partner feel like they're not getting
anywhere, consider working with a licensed therapist who can help guide the
process. "The therapist's ability to be a neutral party in the conversation helps
identify what underlying unmet needs can be recognized and processed within
the couple’s relationship," Mahoney explains. "During this investigative stage
of therapy, couples often have the ability to seek understanding, find
compassion, have greater potential to problem solve and move forward."

I tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a
brand new relationship with each other.

“Once you have that insight [on why someone cheated], how do you take the
learnings from that and how do you put it into actionable change? Because the
relationship is going to have to change,” says Elmquist. “I oftentimes tell
couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about
starting a brand new relationship with each other. And in that new
relationship you’re going to put in the same intensity you did in the beginning
of your relationship all over again; that same intensity of learning about each
other and caring for each other and being intentional with each other.”

Grant and her husband eventually sought couples counseling after they had
each worked with separate therapists. "Our relationship is better in a lot of
ways thanks to therapy," says Grant. "My husband has shown up for our life
together in a way that he just didn't before. We have a lot of fun together, he's
a much more hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of
childhood grief, so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him."

"If you’re truly wanting to move on and continue with life with your partner
after infidelity and have a loving relationship, it is possible. I see it in my office
every day," says McNulty.

MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

 How to put the spark back in your marriage, according to a dating coach
 What is maintenance sex? It may help strengthen your marriage
 How thoughtful communication can improve your marriage, according to a
divorce attorney
 Why this marriage counselor says a "good enough marriage" is one that lasts a
lifetime
 How the simple act of holding hands brought this couple closer than ever