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In this guide, you’ll learn everything you need to know about how to love
yourself.
What to do.
(And most important of all) how to believe in yourself when you feel like the
world is telling you different.
Let’s go…
Your entire life is lived through your eyes. Your interactions with the world and
those around you, your thoughts and how you interpret events, relationships,
actions, and words.
You might just be another person when it comes to the grand scheme of
things, but when it comes to your understanding of reality, you are the only
thing that matters.
And because of that, your reality depends on how much you love and take
care of you.
Your relationship with yourself is the most defining factor in shaping the kind
of life you live.
The less you love yourself, listen to yourself, and understand yourself, the
more confused, angry, and frustrating your reality will be.
But when you begin and continue to love yourself more, the more everything
you see, everything you do, and everyone you interact with, starts to become
a little bit better in every way possible.
But self-love isn’t easy. As they say: you are your own biggest critic.
So begin to love yourself first. It might not be the easiest thing in the world to
do, but it’s definitely the most important.
You give them space, time, and opportunity; you make sure they have the
room to grow because you love them enough to believe in the potential of
their growth.
Do you give yourself the love and respect that you might give your closest
friends or significant other?
Do you take care of your body, your mind, and your needs?
Here are all the ways that you could be showing your body and mind self-love
in your everyday life:
o Sleeping properly
o Eating healthy
o Giving yourself time and space to understand your spirituality
o Exercising regularly
o Thanking yourself and those around you
o Playing when you need it
o Avoiding vices and toxic influences
o Reflecting and meditating
How many of these daily activities do you allow yourself? And if not, then how
can you say you truly love yourself?
Loving yourself is more than just a state of mind—it’s also a series of actions
and habits that you embed into your everyday life.
You have to show yourself that you love you, from the beginning of your day
to the end.
I understand that this is easier said than done. But the number one strategy I
recommend is giving yourself time and space to practice meditation
techniques.
This is an active and practical way you can learn to love yourself.
Not only that, but through meditation, you’ll improve your focus, reduce your
stress and get to know yourself on an intimate level.
Through meditation and mindfulness techniques that I use every day, I’ve
learned to accept myself and who I am, which is a crucial element of loving
yourself.
It’s not easy and it will take effort, but if you stick at it every day, you’ll
eventually experience the benefits that so many people talk about with
meditation.
And we think this is the right thing to do; after all, shouldn’t positive vibes
simply attract more positive vibes?
But the truth is that your endless optimism is a giant lie. You’re lying to a part
of yourself, ignoring the needs of half of who you are.
Because we all have a dark side; we all hold anguish, hatred, and pain.
Ignoring these realities eats us up, and forces us to cave-in spiritually and
mentally.
Allow yourself to be honest with who you are. Forgive yourself for your past
deeds, those things you are ashamed of.
Accept that you are sometimes a carrier of negative emotions, like disgust,
rage, and jealousy. And learn to embrace the silence when you need it.
Accepting your flaws and your faults is one thing, but loving a person who can
have your thoughts, your emotions, your vices, and your mistakes? That’s a
completely higher level of self-love.
Discover your life story. Trace your path from childhood to the person you are
now.
Understand yourself in the most intimate way possible, and find the reason for
every negative emotion, every shameful act, every word and deed that you
now regret.
Take the skeletons out of your closet and try to remember why they are there
in the first place.
Perhaps the most important thing you will discover is that most parts of our
personality have a cause, and those that don’t can be learned away.
Maybe you see the world differently than it actually is, and because of that,
you did things you now know to be wrong.
Find the causes and trace your past. Learn to love yourself in a way that only
you can. Stop being ashamed of your past and start understanding it.
When you hide away past emotions, you essentially put yourself in a cage of
your own making.
The only way out is to push through the uncomfortable truths you’ve been
repressing. If you go near the edge of the cage, you feel extreme discomfort.
In that place of discomfort, you can finally deal with past trauma and pain.
The more you deal with past emotions through mindfulness the less emotional
disturbance can occur.
Emotional disturbance is based on something that happened to you long ago,
something you haven’t let go of.
Through mindfulness, you can let go and then you can be free.
These phrases may sound nice but they don’t work in reality.
That’s why I decided to write a book about mindfulness that distills this
valuable strategy in a clear, easy-to-follow way, with practical techniques and
tips.
In this eBook, you’ll get simple, actionable tips that you can put into practice
straight away.
I’ll walk you through your first meditation, and give you some straightforward
but powerful exercises to help you be more mindful every day.
5) Share Yourself
On this path of self-discovery, you will discover truths about you that will terrify
and shock you.
But the goal is to work your way through them and begin to love yourself more
through understanding and acceptance.
And only after you have worked out your own personal bumps can you begin
to see the diamonds in the rough: your gifts.
These are the qualities about you that survive the journey. The empathy, the
spirituality, the humor, the love: everything you have cleaned off after wiping
away all the rest. And when you love yourself and the things about you, only
then can you properly share yourself to the world.
Give your true self to the world and those around you. Now that you love
yourself, it’s time to begin helping others find the highest form of self-love of
their own.
If you need a kick-start, check out Jeanette Clare’s guide on how to be your
own life coach.
She draws on her experience as a life-coach and shows 10 steps for you to
take (or reclaim) control of your life.
So whether it’s aerobic exercise or weight lifting, get out there and get it done!
You’ll start to feel better about yourself in no time.
12) Who are you surrounding yourself with?
This is an important cog that often goes unnoticed.
We’re all influenced by who we spend most of our time with. Consider this
quote from Tim Ferriss:
“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”
True, isn’t it?
So if you think that some of your friends are toxic and have a habit of putting
you down, you might want to find some new ones. You know, people you
actually like and admire.
If your friends are positive and uplifting, you’ll begin to feel better about
yourself as well.
13) Accept your emotions without judging them
Whenever we experience an uncomfortable feeling, such as sadness, fear or
anger, our first instinct is to ignore it, reject it or push it away. And this fair
enough, we don’t really want to walk around feeling emotional pain all the
time.
However, when we reject our emotions, we may actually make things worse
off. Emotions give us useful information about our lives.
A much better tactic that may help your emotional health is to practice
acceptance. This means allowing your emotions to just be without negatively
judging them or trying to change them.
It’s understanding that you don’t need to “control” your emotions. They cannot
do any damage to you.
In fact, the things you do to get rid of negative emotions, like alcohol or eating
cake, can do more damage to you.
In the end, if you’re able to accept yourself and all of your emotions, you’ll be
more easily able to love yourself.
(If you’re suffering from self-doubt and lack of self-belief, I highly recommend
you check out Marisa Peer’s free transformational hypnotherapy class. This
class is designed to reveal your limiting thought patterns so you can work on
letting them go. Marisa Peer, named the “Best British Therapist” by Men’s
Health, demonstrates the instant transformation that’s possible with her
unique, highly personal approach to hypnotherapy. Check it out here).
14) Get rid of these 5 toxic beliefs
Your beliefs shape your perspective on life. But if your beliefs aren’t accurate,
they could be negatively affecting you.
Read More »
Read More »
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy and it’s bad judgment. The truth is, change is
the only constant in the universe. Nothing remains fixed. So when things are
going bad, realize that eventually, it has to change.
Embrace who you are and what you’re feeling. You might find that it leads to
insights that you never thought were possible.
This is a dangerous belief because in life, the only person we can rely on is
ourselves. As Buddhism says, happiness can only come from within yourself,
so stop seeking external factors to make you happy.
Instead, you try to fit inside a limiting box society has created for you to be
‘normal’.
Embrace who you are. The happiest people are authentic people.
The truth is, the world isn’t out to get you and neither are other people. What
people think about you says more about them than it does about you.
We all have a lens with which we see the world, so choose yours to be
optimistic and hopeful. Your mind will thank you for it.
How do you feel when someone says they’ll do something and then they
don’t? They lose credibility.
Every time you take action and achieve something, you build confidence in
yourself.
After all, life is about taking action, engaging in new experiences and
achieving goals. And these goals don’t have to be big. The smaller ones are
perhaps more important. If you say you’re going to clean the house, do it! It’ll
make you happy.
In Conclusion
Loving yourself is crucial for your own emotional health and ability to reach
your potential.
The good news is, we’re all capable of believing in ourselves and living the
best life we possibly can.
The trick is to find what you’re really passionate about, what your purpose is
and to appreciate what you have right now, rather than wanting things to be
different.
Once you’re grateful for what’s in your life, you’ll be able to accept who you
are and what you’re feeling – a crucial tenet of being able to truly love
yourself.
If you’re looking more specific techniques to learn how to love yourself, we’ve
also prepared 5 exercises that may help you below.
Sometimes it’s not about changing what you see on the outside or the
circumstances surrounding your life, it’s about changing what you think and
feel on the inside.
Loving yourself provides you the opportunity to learn about yourself and when
you know more about yourself, you’ll live a better life.
1) Write it out.
Journaling is one of the best ways to get to know yourself in an intimate way.
It provides a private place for you to get all of your thoughts and feelings out in
a way that you are able to make sense of them.
Writing is not only therapeutic, but a great opportunity to ask yourself some
tough questions so that you can get your mind wrapped around the things that
are bothering you.
Sometimes, we turn to the outside world to place blame for our unhappiness,
but the truth is that much of what is making us unhappy is within ourselves.
Writing allows you to get clear on those thoughts, take control of them, and
then change them over time.
In the Harvard Health Blog, Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH says that when people
write about what’s in their hearts and minds, they better make sense of the
world and themselves:
When you can master your mind through writing, you’ll be better able to love
yourself and let yourself live a better life.
Choose a new prompt each day to focus on in your journal. Try and write as
much as you can about each prompt.
This helps my mind get focused on what I want to achieve and what I really
need to focus on.
Also, by taking a step back and reflecting on my life, I can rationally see how
meaningless all the little worries are. It’s only the big things, like family and my
overall purpose, that really matter.
I tend to do this naturally without needing prompts, but if you’re struggling to
put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), here are some questions you can
ask yourself:
Life is short, there’s no doubt about that, but sometimes we don’t really
understand how short it is until it is too late.
Rather than wait for lightning to strike, commit to doing things that you like and
that brings joy to your life.
You shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what could be done today. It’s vital that
you are in tune with what you like because how silly does it sound when you
hear about people who do things they don’t want to do?
We all declare, “I would never do that” yet, here we are, doing things we don’t’
want to do all the time.
So write down a list of activities that give you joy. Then make a plan to do
them each week.
3) Do things differently.
If what you are doing isn’t working for you and you are having a hard time
letting go of the past, try to do things differently from the way you usually do
them.
We all know people who do the same things over and over again and expect
different results.
Do things in a new way on purpose and see how that feels. When you try on
different ways of doing things, not only do you discover things about yourself,
but you also figure out what you like, what you don’t like, and who you really
are inside.
There’s nothing more telling than fear and if you put yourself in enough
situations that you’ll feel fear on a regular basis, you’ll find that you were able
to create a new life for yourself just by doing things…differently.
Look, we get it. It’s easy to throw in the towel when you are feeling like things
are getting difficult, but those are the moments when you change and grow
the most.
So if you are trying to love yourself into a new role, new life, or new
relationship, you need to be firm, but fair with yourself.
When things really are too much – and you aren’t just trying to escape the
hard stuff – it’s okay to change directions.
Ask yourself at every turn, is this going to make me a better version of myself?
If the answer is yes, proceed.
It’s a tough spot to be in when you don’t like yourself or your life, but it’s one
worth getting out of.
Take back control and learn to love yourself into a better life by turning the
lens inward, instead of looking to others to make things better for yourself.
The best way to get to know yourself is through VITALS. This is an acronym
for the 6 building blocks of self.
Here’s what the letters stand for and how to find it in yourself:
V = Values
What are your values? This can include “helping others” or “health” or “being
creative”. Think about it and write down 10 important values that describe you.
I=Interests
To figure out your interests, ask yourself these questions: What do you pay
attention to? What are you most concerned about? What gets your mind really
curious?
T= Temperament
Answer these questions to figure out your temperament: Do you restore your
energy by being alone or with other people? Do you prefer to plan or be
spontaneous? Do you make decisions based on facts or feelings? Do you
prefer big ideas or details?
A= Around-the-Clock Activities
When do you like to do things? Are you a morning or evening person? What
time of day does your energy peak?
L = Life Mission and Meaningful Goals
What is your purpose in life? What have been the most meaningful events of
your life? What’s your main motivation for getting up in the morning?
S= Strengths
What are your strongest abilities? Skills? Talents? What are your greatest
character strengths?
But rather than feeling weighed down by your differences, celebrate them and
put them front and center in your exploration of yourself.
If you allow yourself to be happy about who you are, you’ll find that you are
much happier in all areas of your life.
A practical exercise to find out what your unique characteristics are is to list
down 10 traits about yourself that you’re proud of.
This could be your kindness, your loyalty, or the fact that you’re skilled at
knitting!
Keep in mind:
Before you can do any kind of work on your future self you need to reconcile
who you are right now.
It’s easy to discount the good things you think about yourself and let the
negative thoughts take over.
But understanding what your positive traits are and what makes you unique
will help you banish the negativity and accept yourself.
And if you’re going to find yourself, you need to accept who you are right now.
Change, whatever that might look like for you, is really going to come from a
place of understanding and love.
But problems start to arise when we believe our thoughts, or we identify with
our thoughts.
Eckhart Tolle says that identifying with our thoughts leads to a false
identification of self:
“As you grow up, you form a mental image of who you
are based on your personal and cultural conditioning.
We may call this phantom self the ‘ego’. It consists of
mind activity and can only be kept going through
constant thinking. The term ego means different things
to different people, but when I use it here it means a
false self, created by unconscious identification with the
mind.”
Once you stop identifying with your mind, you can live in the present moment.
And as Eckhart Tolle says, it’s in the present moment that you can find out
who you really are.
Published in the Journal of Brain and Behavior, the study found that silently
repeating a positive personal mantra “quiets the mind and reduces self-
judgment”.
However, this only serves to strengthen those connections in the brain, and
the more you dwell on negativity, the more the brain becomes negative.
It’s not rocket science. You just need to think of a line that invokes positivity
and hope within you. It should also feel truthful.
“I love myself.”
“Nothing bad is happening.”
“I meet limited circumstances with limitless thoughts.”
“I am willing to see this differently.”
“I am doing all that I can.”
You can use a personal mantra anytime you feel doubtful, negative or angry.
It’s important to use it when you feel negative energy brewing within you.
A good rule of thumb is to repeat the mantra for at least 5 minutes, 3 times a
day.
It’s also a good idea to use it when you wake up. This will get your day started
with the right mindset for the day ahead.
8) Focus on others
This is perhaps the biggest tip of all when it comes to loving yourself. It
sounds counter-intuitive to focus on other people when it comes to love
But by shifting your focus from your own problems to helping others, you’ll
begin to feel better about yourself.
Mahatma Gandhi says it best when he said that “the best way to find yourself
is to love yourself in the service to others.”
Sometimes when you focus so much on yourself and all your problems, you
lose perspective. You tend to blow things out of proportion and become
neurotic.
I know because I’m naturally like this. But when I choose to focus on others
and not myself, it reduces my natural self-critical voice.
You realize that you’re not the center of the universe. There’s a beautiful world
out there for you to explore and experience. You’re missing out if you’re
focusing on yourself so much.
A study from Columbia University found that when helping others with their
stressful situations, we are actually enhancing our own emotion regulation
skills, and therefore, benefitting our own emotional health.
I was a guy in my mid-20s who was lifting boxes all day in a warehouse. I had
few satisfying relationships – with friends or women – and a monkey mind that
wouldn’t shut itself off.
During that time, I lived with anxiety, insomnia and way too much useless
thinking going on in my head.
My life seemed to be going nowhere. I was a ridiculously average guy and
deeply unhappy to boot.
In many ways, Buddhism is all about letting things go. Letting go helps us
break away from negative thoughts and behaviors that do not serve us, as
well as loosening the grip on all our attachments.
Fast forward 6 years and I’m now the founder of Hack Spirit, one of the
leading self improvement blogs on the internet.
Just to be clear: I’m not a Buddhist. I have no spiritual inclinations at all. I’m
just a regular guy who turned his life around by adopting some amazing
teachings from eastern philosophy.