Dear Ma’am Deriada,

Good day Ma’am! So during the weekend I found myself writing two pieces one in English and
Tagalog. They have different concepts and meaning and I just can’t pick one for myself. I hope you
could give your insights on both of these pieces because I would love to know what aspects of my
writing I could improve on varying mediums. I’m sorry for the additional workload (?) and you could
ignore the other piece if it’s too much but I really hope you could give criticism on both.
Thank you ma’am! God bless.
Sincerely,

Sarah

Denouement
By Sarah Rose Linas 12 HUMSS
The road not taken she trails,
At sunrise; her adorned poetry
Clangors as her soles
Caress these cursed soils.
Locks of her mind erstwhile
To fudgel grubble
Immersed in affection down
Her wrist’s crevices.
Hark! Susurration of thine’s
Bysmor, through my innate
Enigmatic parapets.
Curves of these fingers fit
In perfection; on her flaxen flesh’s coils-
Occluding;
 Yonder uphill battles of
Disheartened intimacy
Carved in the lids of our
Yesterdays; with monochrome rainbows
Down a pot of silver instead.
Prolly the tranquility
Caused chaos
On her strives and lies
Dowsing into tumultuous.
Maybe it was the path
She did not trace,
Likened by the Grimm’s’ tales
Or Adam and Lilith’s.
Her hands vexatious by the cards she’d read
Or the Gods that deprived these palms
And tips with the pleasure
Man has forsaken.
Contentment- she sought on
The trenches of churches and cathedrals
With reverbing cries and morphemes.
Oh the lands! That promised her answers
Yet bequeathed her a panoramic view
Drenched in the hues of eigengrau
Chatoyance was on neither his or hers
Nor theirs
Along with the shadows
And jewels
That spoke her story
And the fears that she breathed.

Siping
ni Sarah Rose Linas 12 HUMSS

Lulan ng buwan ang nag ngalan

Sakin bilang kanyangDayang;
Sapag halik ng kamay pinangakuan
ng pagmamahalang awanggan.
Hinagod ng kanyang mga daliri
Mga banging ginayak ng kanyang mga bisig;
labi’y kumarinyo sa mga pook na
bulwagan ng pinagbabawal na pagdagsa
ng dagitab.

Di mapaparisan ang awit ng kudyapi

Aniyang kintal ng morpemang
gumon ng kanyang labi;
Gunita ko’y kanlungan siya mula himlayan
Ng mga hiyas na nilunod sa karalitaan;
Subalit yaong alapaap ng kalangita’y
Tanikalang kala-kaladkad ng aking balintataw,
Ikinalalagnat ang iyong pagdalaw.
 O mga gabing nagdaramot ng luwalhati
Mga bibig na uhaw; pagod sa’yong pagtalik,
o pag gahasa; di naalam pagka’t iniwaksi
Kinagaw na palad na nagpupunyagi
Sa hangin; nahangaring madinig,
Ang ubo’t daingdulot ng iyong pagbalani.

Gat, banaag sa aking durungawan

Ang gayak ng iyong pinalamutiang upuan,
‘Samantalang kaming iwinalis sa gulod,
Gipit, hinalay, isinaklit, nagsusumamo.
Nawa’y yaong inyong birang
‘wagang busilig ang busalan,
Maaring sa bibig gamitin ‘pagkat nakakarindi,
Ang kagaw ng kasinungalingang
Sinabay saking karumal-dumalna karumalan.

Hindi ito aking limahid pagka’t ang iyong mga daliri

Ang siyang naniniil sa mga inyong binilibid
Pinagpalit sa buhanging sa alo’y kinain,
‘Nawa’y makasubo kayo ng kapwa nyong iniluwa
At isiping, nawalangkain, inumin at awa.

Comments

Sarah, I’m going to comment on your first poem since Dr. John Teodoro already gave his comments on
your second poem. I would like to reiterate what he said on your other poem. If you can shorten your
piece, much better as it can be confusing especially if your lines are superfluous. I notice that you have
the tendency to be wordy and you love to use complex words (susurration, eigengrau, chatoyance,
etc.) It’s always better to use simple words. As my writing teacher would always tell us back when I
was on college—”Write to express, not to impress.” You also love to use archaic words. These are not
used anymore in contemporary poetry (see in-text comments). I admire your passion to write and you
do have the makings of a writer. For this activity I am going to grade your second poem because it is
better than your first poem. I like your use of words but I do agree with Dr. Teodoro’s comments.

Evaluation Criteria
Creativity/style and originality 5
Coherence of form and structure (harmony and use of words) 5
Clarity of imagery and language 4
Poetic techniques 5

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