Barriers in The Bedroom

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Barriers in the Bedroom

a
Kathrine Carlson Daniels , Toni Schindler
b c
Zimmerman & Stephanie Weiland Bowling
a
Human Development and Family Studies
Department , Colorado State University, University
of Minnesota , Minneapolis, MN, 55108-6140, USA
b
Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Colorado
State University , Fort Collins, CO, 80523-1570, USA
c
Sante Group in Wheaton, MD and received her
PhD from St. Mary's University , San Antonio, TX,
78228-8543, USA
Published online: 08 Sep 2008.
To cite this article: Kathrine Carlson Daniels , Toni Schindler Zimmerman & Stephanie
Weiland Bowling (2003) Barriers in the Bedroom, Journal of Feminist Family Therapy,
14:2, 21-50, DOI: 10.1300/J086v14n02_02
To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J086v14n02_02
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Barriers in the Bedroom:
A Feminist Application
for Working with Couples
Kathrine Carlson Daniels
Toni Schindler Zimmerman
Stephanie Weiland Bowling
ABSTRACT. Negative messages internalized through gender socialization

create sexual barriers for couples. Regardless of the treatment approach, femi-
nist scholars suggest it is important to incorporate a feminist perspective
within sex-related therapy (Keystone & Carolan, 1998). The purpose of this
paper was to describe several clinical tools developed to operationalize femi-
nist concepts within sex-related therapy. Gender socialization, sexual myths,
and implications for sexual identities were explored, followed by the feminist
approach proposed to systemically address barriers in couples’ sexual rela-
tionships. Guidelines for “breaking down barriers” and “building bridges” to
promote sexuality that is less restricted by gender socialization constraints
were discussed, and practical questions to assess both individual and couple
barriers were presented. Finally, a case study was explored. [Article copies
available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service:
1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address: <docdelivery@haworthpress.com> Website:
<http://www.HaworthPress.com> © 2002 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights
reserved.]
Kathrine Daniels, MS, is a graduate of Colorado State University, Human Develop-

ment and Family Studies Department, and a doctoral candidate in Family Social Sci-
ence at the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN 55108-6140.
Toni S. Zimmerman, PhD, is Professor of Human Development and Family Studies
and Director, Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Colorado State University,
Fort Collins, CO 80523-1570.
Stephanie W. Bowling, PhD, is employed at Affiliated Sante Group in Wheaton,
MD and received her PhD from St. Mary’s University at San Antonio, TX 78228-8543.
Special appreciation is expressed to Jim Maddock for his exceptional assistance and
feedback and recognition is also given to Pauline Boss, Wayne Caron, and Liz Wieling.
Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, Vol. 14(2) 2002
http://www.haworthpress.com/store/product.asp?sku=J086
 2002 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.
10.1300/J086v14n02_02 21
22 JOURNAL OF FEMINIST FAMILY THERAPY
KEYWORDS. Feminist family therapy, gender socialization, sex-related

therapy, sexual issues, systems theory
Although the sexual revolution has come and gone, mixed societal
messages and ambivalence about sex are still pervasive in our society.
Many couples struggle to achieve a sexually satisfying relationship (Laumann,
Paik, & Rosen, 1999). According to Schwartz and Rutter (1998), sexual-
ity and sexual behavior are controlled through social norms and the con-
struction of a gendered (male-female) sexuality that regulates rules and
norms about what is appropriate male and female behavior. Rules and
norms that may create sexual barriers for couples are internalized through
socialization. However, available information that clinically addresses
sexual issues for couples from a gender socialization perspective is
lacking. A feminist perspective can help therapists directly address gen-
der socialization issues.
Regardless of the treatment approach, feminist scholars have sug-
gested it is important to incorporate a feminist perspective within sex-re-
lated therapy (Handy, Valentich, Commaert, & Gripton, 1985; Keystone &
Carolan, 1998; MacKinnon & Miller, 1985; Ogden, 1988; Richgels, 1992;
Tiefer, 1996; Tiefer, 1991). Although sex-related therapists may use
feminist ideas in their work, little has been written that explicitly ad-
dresses and articulates the feminist perspective within the context of
sex-related therapy. Feminist scholars have tried to correct the lack of
inclusion of feminist principles in sex-related therapy literature, how-
ever, feminist literature that addresses sex therapy issues, has not been
developed to the level of therapeutic intervention and application. As
stated by Keystone and Carolan (1998) “. . . [T]here has been very little
articulated work that has conceptualized and implemented sex therapy
from a feminist perspective” (p. 289).
The purpose of this paper is to describe some clinical applications de-
veloped to operationalize feminist concepts within sex-related therapy.
The intention is to provide explicit ideas for integrating and applying
feminist perspectives into therapy. A feminist perspective can address
the disadvantages that both women and men encounter in their sexual
relationships as a result of gender socialization and sexual myths.
Directly addressing gender socialization and myths in sex-related
therapy, can help couples better understand their own and their part-
ner’s sexuality. Learning how sexual systems function can externalize
sexual problems, as partners begin to understand that sexual problems
are often a result of harmful socialization messages. Couples can learn
Daniels, Zimmerman, and Bowling 23
to understand their partner’s sexual behaviors and feelings and to empa-

thize with them rather than internalize negative conclusions or mean-
ings. Couples can then begin to learn new sexual behaviors and complete
therapeutic work that is focused on processing and changing negative
sexual patterns, behaviors, and ideas into more positive ones.
Although this paper considers both male and female gender social-
ization and barriers, it is not the authors’ intention to provide a hetero-
sexual point of view. The feminist applications presented can be utilized
with diverse couple forms. Regardless of couple form, or the diversity
in gender socialization (whether it be the diversity of gender socializa-
tion among and between genders, or the diversity of gender socializa-
tion in different cultures or within the same culture, such as among and
between generations), each person in couple relationships has internal-
ized messages about sexuality. This approach can be used to explore the
implications that gender socialization has had for each person in the re-
lationship (regardless of gender, culture, age, etc.).
Before presenting the applications discussed in this paper, it is im-
portant to define the utilized theoretical concepts, explore the literature
related to feminism and sex-related therapy, and discuss the implica-
tions that gender socialization and sexual myths have on sexual identi-
ties. Following, the feminist applications suggested in this paper will be
presented, along with a brief case example.
THEORETICAL BACKGROUND
Two theoretical frameworks utilized for the feminist applications

presented in this paper are the feminist perspective and systems theory.
Systems theory will be used to operationalize the feminist perspective
by applying feminist therapy techniques to both the individual and cou-
ple system.
Feminist Family Therapy
Whipple’s model (Whipple, 1996) of Feminist Family Therapy

(FFT) defines FFT through five principle components. FFT:
a. promotes less hierarchical therapist-client relationships;
b. includes gender as a topic in therapy;
c. supports and encourages egalitarian couple relationships;
d. empowers clients to explore non-traditional or non-stereotypical

roles; and
e. affirms women and their ways in the face of gender-based oppression.

The therapy applications presented in this paper address three of
Whipple’s principles, by including gender as a topic in therapy, encour-
aging equality in sexual relationships, and empowering clients to ex-
plore sexual ideas and sexual roles that are less restricted by gender
socialization constraints.
The selection of one feminist therapy model was not meant to over-
shadow differences among feminist perspectives or surpass other femi-
nist models (Gilbert & Scher, 1999; Good, Gilbert, & Scher, 1990; Good-
rich, Rampage, Ellman, & Halstead, 1988; Rosewater & Walker, 1985;
Worell & Remer, 1992) but was used because the authors believed that
Whipple’s model incorporated feminist principles suggested in other
models, in the most concise and parsimonious manner. Further, al-
though this paper does not directly address all the ways that therapists
can work from a feminist perspective (such as establishing a less-hierar-
chical therapeutic relationship and encouraging social change), these
feminist methods are important for therapy.
Systems Theory
This paper utilized systems theory by applying the concept of holism

to couple sexual relationships. The concept of holism assumes that a
system must be understood as a whole and cannot be understood by
merely examining its individual parts (Whitchurch & Constantine, 1993).
In order to understand couple sexual barriers (especially based on gen-
der), it is important to recognize that sexual relationships consist of two
individuals who form a system. It is necessary to assess and work with
the couple’s systemic interaction rather than just exploring their indi-
vidual sexual problems. FFT can be utilized to work with couples on
both the individual and systemic levels.
LITERATURE REVIEW
Despite feminist literature that is applicable to sex-related therapy,

the field of sex-related therapy has not embraced the feminist perspec-
tive (Ogden, 1988; Richgels, 1992; Tiefer, 1996; Tiefer, 1991). Although
sex-related therapists may utilize feminist perspectives in therapy, sex-re-
lated therapy literature gives little attention to gender and power issues
in conjunction with treatment. For example, Polansky (1997) wrote an
article about treating couples with low sexual desire problems, in which
the couples complained of many issues, such as the male’s use of por-
nography, male inexpressiveness, anxiety about sexual intimacy, de-
tachment from sex, objectification of the wife, and a lack of closeness.
Polansky used techniques such as sensate focus, prescribing medication
such as Ritalin, and object relations therapy, and reported little success.
Polansky did not report exploring power issues or male and female gen-
der socialization and cultural sexual myths with these couples. Many of
these couples’ difficulties had direct linkages to gender socialization
(such as objectification of women and limited emotional availability).
Perhaps a feminist perspective could have been useful.
Treatment often reported in sex-related therapy literature is similar to
that used by Polansky. Treatment often includes (Leiblum & Rosen,
2000): assessment and sexual history interviews, psychological assess-
ment, direct education about sexual physiology and sex techniques
(which have often been learned incorrectly), restructuring maladaptive
behavior patterns and cognitions about sexuality, anxiety reduction and
skill-training techniques, sequence of behavior modification of avoid-
ance behaviors, sensate focus exercises, providing permission to enjoy
sexual sensations, assigning sexual fantasies, focusing on sexually
stimulating fantasies or materials, and medications such as Viagra. Per-
haps because sexuality is often treated utilizing the medical model and
is viewed as biological (Tiefer, 1996), treatment has shown a trend
toward greater “medicalization” and an increased emphasis on pharma-
cological intervention (Leiblum & Rosen, 2000; Tiefer, 1996).
In answer to the call to develop a feminist model of sexuality that is
inclusive of the female perspective, feminist authors have written ex-
tensively regarding women’s sexual experiences. Feminist scholars
propose that knowledge about sexual functioning and principles of sex
therapy are based on a male model of sexuality (Keystone & Carolan,
1998; Ogden, 1988; Richgels, 1992; Tiefer, 1991). Treating sexual is-
sues with assumptions and theories that are based on a male-oriented
approach can be detrimental because women are compared to a male
standard of normality (Keystone & Carolan, 1998; Ogden, 1988). Women
and their partners are misinformed and uninformed about women’s sex-
uality (Schwartz & Rutter, 1998), which can create unrealistic, unat-
tainable, or even harmful expectations and goals.
Although a lot of feminist literature addresses women’s sexuality,
less has been written about therapy. However, several authors (Handy,
Valentich, Cammaert, & Gripton, 1985; Keystone & Carolan, 1998;

Sanders, 1995; Stock, 1988; and Tiefer, 1988, 1991, & 1995) have ad-
vanced the knowledge for incorporating a feminist perspective into sex

therapy. However, much of this literature has not been fully developed
to the level of therapeutic intervention needed for application.
Work to date suggests that therapists should question the use of the
DSM-IV and the conceptualization of sexual dysfunction and pathol-
ogy; therapists should develop a less hierarchical relationship, encour-
age egalitarian interactions between women and men, challenge inequal-
ities in all areas of relationships, challenge presumptions that devalue
women’s desire for connection (as opposed to striving for autonomy
and separateness in men), and should incorporate sexual concerns
within the larger societal context (Keystone, 1998).
Handy et al. (1985) explored sexist practice in relation to therapeutic
assessment, goal-setting, intervention, and the evaluation of effective-
ness, and offered suggestions for incorporating feminist practices. For
example, Handy et al. suggested that gender role issues should be more
directly addressed in all phases of therapy and there should be a greater
emphasis on a range of sexually satisfying activities rather than orgasm
as the therapeutic goal.
Tiefer (1996) suggested that feminist sex therapy must encompass
two domains of insight and skill, including within the first domain: fem-
inism 101, corrective genital physiology education, assertiveness train-
ing, body image reclamation, and masturbation education. The second
domain included working toward a better world, rejecting sexual drive
in favor of sexual comfort, mental masturbation, new categories of gen-
der, and an understanding of sexual talent.
Sanders (1995) suggests that therapists should consider sex as an ex-
perience, not a behavior, that sexual experiences should not be limited
to intercourse, and he proposed that therapists can externalize patriar-
chy and the ways that traditionalism influences couples. Additionally,
Sanders defined sexuality with a mutualist perspective; that sex should
involve loving responsibility, mutual selfullness, and loving intimacy.
How can therapists incorporate feminist suggestions into direct ap-
plication for therapy? Literature is needed that addresses how to apply
feminist concepts into therapeutic intervention. Before presenting ideas
for applying feminist principles in therapy, gender socialization and
sexual myths will be explored.
GENDER SOCIALIZATION
Gender socialization, the process of conditioning, modeling, and re-

inforcing behaviors that are considered socially acceptable, occurs at an
early age when “appropriate” behaviors are reinforced and “inappropri-

ate” behaviors are discouraged through punishment (Duke, 1995). Gen-
der socialization can influence the development of sexual barriers

through general socialization (not directly focused on sexuality), which
can influence how males and females feel or think about themselves
sexually, and through socialization that is directly focused on sexuality.
In addition to the process of gender socialization, sexual myths, or be-
liefs that are commonly held as a result of the way we are socialized, can
also provide harmful messages about sexuality and create sexual barri-
ers (such as sex should always involve an orgasm).
It is important to recognize that gender socialization will vary for
each person, based on particular families, schools, peers, social envi-
ronments, generations, cultures, sexual orientations, etc. For example,
within the same culture and generation, each person will not internalize
all the same beliefs. Women and men may internalize messages that are
more typical of the opposite gender. Further, as society changes, gender
socialization may change as well. Young females currently raised in
North American society may receive different messages than older fe-
males who were raised in the early 1900s. However, it is possible that
younger females may internalize messages that are more typically inter-
nalized by older generations (or vice versa).
It is necessary to learn about the messages that clients have internal-
ized and how these messages affect sexuality. Therapists should not
make assumptions regarding clients’ gender socialization or the mes-
sages that clients have internalized. The applications presented in this
paper are intended to explore each client’s unique experience and be-
liefs and uncover possible barriers that may have resulted from gender
socialization.
Although there is no single way in which individuals are socialized,
authors have discussed many possible ideas regarding gender socializa-
tion in North America (Gilbert & Scher, 1999). A short review is pro-
vided here as an example of how some males and females may be
socialized. This review will be brief, because gender socialization has
been written about extensively in other literature: see Gilbert and Scher
(1999).
Female Socialization and Possible Barriers
General socialization may influence female sexuality by encourag-

ing females to be sensitive, empathic, helpful, and to request help from
others rather than to be independent, strong, and assertive. Females may
be taught to please, satisfy, and comfort others (Gilbert & Scher, 1999)
and to be unselfish and “nice” even if this means denying their own
needs (Pipher, 1994). In addition, females may learn to value external

rewards, reinforcements, and praise, and to be “other” orientated rather
than to gain self-esteem from within (Pipher, 1994) which may influ-
ence their sexual expression. For example, females may develop the
tendency to put their partner’s sexual needs ahead of their own and may
place critical importance on their relationships with their partners
(Schnarch, 2000).
Females may tend to develop less confidence in their capabilities be-
cause they are given less attention, esteem-building encouragement,
praise, critical feedback, and support for assertive behaviors than males
(Gilbert & Scher, 1999). Females may have less power in their relation-
ships because they lack confidence in their own abilities. Unequal
power may contribute to sexual barriers and decrease the likelihood that
females may feel free to express their sexual needs and desires.
Indirect ways that females are socialized to communicate and the be-
lief that their opinions are not as important, may create barriers in their
sexual interactions with their partners (Taylor, Gilligan, & Sullivan, 1995).
Indirect communication may limit females’ ability to ask for what they
want sexually and communicate their sexual needs. Finally, unattain-
able messages of what female bodies should look like may create shame
(Gilbert & Scher, 1999) and may cause the belief that their bodies are
inadequate (e.g., dirty, bad, fat, ugly).
In addition to general gender socialization messages, females also re-
ceive direct messages about sexuality. Females’ sexual knowledge is
often developed through shame (Tiefer, 1995), such as shame about
their genitalia and their body’s natural functioning (Barbach, 1982).
Shame can create sexual inhibition and other negative feelings during
sexual intimacy. Further, females may fail to learn how their bodies
function sexually, or what they prefer sexually.
Other negative messages that may promote sexual inhibition among
females come from inadequate school sex education classes, lack of pa-
rental education, and repressive religious attitudes towards premarital
sex that suggest that sexuality is immoral, dirty, evil, and sinful (Reiss,
1990). As religious messages prohibit sexual expression, messages
from peers and society provide increased pressure to have sex, but at the
same time promote a double standard. If females engage in sexual activ-
ity they are labeled with negative stereotypes such as being “easy, loose,
or insatiable” (Gilbert & Scher, 1999).
Today’s male dominated society creates the belief that sex is for men
and that males have stronger sex drives than women, such that females
may devalue their sexuality in relation to men (Richgels, 1992). A grave

consequence of socialization is women’s lack of voice and power,
which perpetuates the large numbers of females who are victims of rape,
incest, and physical violence. Females are socialized to think about sex
based on a male model of sexuality, where the emphasis is on inter-
course, penetration, and orgasm, which may or may not fit with women’s
sexual preferences.
Male Socialization and Possible Barriers
Gender socialization also creates barriers for men in their intimate re-
lationships. General gender socialization may influence male sexuality
by reinforcing males for being physical, independent, for achievement
and competition, and for playing rough (Bernstein, Roy, Srull, & Wickens,
1991). Males may be socialized to communicate directly, assertively,
and even aggressively (and often are not socialized to inquire about oth-
ers’ needs and desires) and are discouraged from displaying feminine
actions (Bernstein, Roy, Srull, & Wickens, 1991).
Krugman (1995) suggests that shame is a powerful tool for male so-
cialization, which may leave many males “shame-sensitive.” The au-
thor asserts that shame sensitivity influences males’ learned inability to
deal with their emotions and creates emotional restrictiveness. Restric-
tiveness can lead to emotional barriers in the bedroom. Males may be
taught that they are weak if they want or need physical closeness and
nurturing. As a result of socialization, males may have trouble express-
ing vulnerable feelings, may limit intimacy and commitment, and may
have difficulty nurturing others. They may depend on their partners to
express sensitivity or vulnerable feelings for them and to provide the
nurturing they are unable to express.
Socialization also influences males with direct messages about sexu-
ality. Many males learn to view females as objects to satisfy sexual de-
sires (Brooks, 1995). In order to view women as objects, males may
learn to sexualize all feelings of emotional and non-sexual closeness
and may often have impersonal connections. Sexual objectification
may become a way that males learn to bond with other males. As males
learn to model this behavior they may internalize messages that objectify
women (Brooks, 1995), which in turn may affect the intimacy they are
able to achieve with their partners.
Society’s images of masculinity and feminine beauty affect males. Males

are often taught that men should be big, strong, and powerful, and that
females should look like the unattainable images represented in the me-
dia. Many males may learn to believe that their sexual performance is
the cornerstone of every sexual experience (Zilbergeld, 1992) and may
place critical importance on their sexual interactions. Further, societal
myths about large penis size and firm erections (Zilbergeld, 1992) influ-
ence how males may feel about their own bodies. Many males worry
that they won’t “measure up” which can create fears of sexual inade-
quacy. Sex becomes tied to male identity and self-esteem (Gilbert &
Scher, 1999). Sex may be a way to validate masculinity. Performance
issues, such as fear of not having an erection, may result.
There are many possible male and female barriers, which will vary
by degree, amount, and combination, depending on the individual and
the couple. The barriers mentioned here are not the only possible barri-
ers that males and females may experience, but are offered as some pos-
sible examples of the way gender socialization can create difficulties in
sexual relationships.
SOCIETAL MYTHS THAT INFLUENCE SEXUAL BARRIERS
In addition to the sexual barriers formed through gender socialization,

gender socialization also influences the development of many beliefs or
myths about sexuality, which may create barriers for couples’ sexual re-
lationships. The idea that when individuals become adults, all of their
old sexual training and belief systems will disappear (and not influence
them anymore) is one of the biggest societal myths. Listed here are
some possible societal myths about sex that have been discussed in
North American literature. However, it is important for therapists to
consider that cultural myths may differ in diverse cultures. For a more
extensive review see Barbach (1982) and Gilbert and Scher (1999).
Gender Socialization and Implications for Couples
Gender socialization is a process through which developing individ-

uals directly and indirectly learn meanings and behaviors associated
with being male or female in a given culture. Over time, meanings and
behaviors contribute both to the individual’s sense of personal sexual
identity and to the social roles she/he enacts within that culture. Behav-
iors and meanings are circularly interactive (LaRossa & Reitzes, 1993).
Definitions of Cultural Myths and Scripts

Cultural Myth: Definition:

Unrealistic ideas of sex Sex is always perfect; multi-orgasmic
Sex equals intercourse Sex is intercourse, not touching or other sexual pleasures
Any time, any place A man is always ready and wants to have sex
Sex is good/bad Sex is dirty, but something to save for someone we love
Don't touch down there It is bad and/or dirty to touch ourselves
Sex is for men Men need sex, women do not
Puritan/Victorian The purpose of sex is for procreation only
Romance and candlelight Idealized notion of wine, candles, flowers, etc.
Men should know Men are the experts and know everything
Don't talk about sex We are not supposed to discuss sex
Media Women as playgirls of the month; men as muscled studs
Dependent and helpless Women are dependent/may use sexuality to gain power
The nurturer Women must satisfy male needs
The one right way Goal of orgasm and male penetration
Let's be modern We're not inhibited anymore
Sex is a natural instinct Sexual knowledge does not need to be learned
Men must initiate It is solely the man's responsibility to initiate sex
Sex requires an erection Can't be sexual without an erection
Birth control is for women Birth control is the woman's responsibility
Good sex equals orgasms Only sex that ends in orgasms is good
Kissing means sex All physical contact must lead to sex
Sex is a performance Sex should be performed perfectly
Note. Adapted from Barbach (1982) and Gilbert & Scher (1999).
That is, sex-related meanings influence sexual behavior, and sexual ex-
perience, in turn, shapes meanings. For example, when people feel/act
sexually inhibited because they associate sex with something “dirty,”
they are reflecting elements of socialization that may be primarily un-
conscious; yet these influences still powerfully shape behavior. Thus,
socialization has contributed to “barriers” to sexual expression through
internalized negative messages about sexuality that have gradually be-
come part of personal identity. These inhibitions, in turn, influence in-
teraction between partners in the here and now, thereby becoming
barriers to sexual expression at the couple level. The sex-related mean-
ings and behaviors of each partner now become “shared meaning” and
interactive behaviors, representing barriers to positive sexual expres-

sion.
Sexual barriers can be any feeling, meaning, belief, or behavior that

is detrimental to sexual health. According to Maddock (1989), “sexual
health” requires:
a. some congruence between one’s biological identity and one’s in-
ternal sense of gender and external gender role behaviors;
b. the ability to respond to touch and erotic stimulation in a positive,
pleasurable fashion;
c. the ability to have effective interpersonal relationships with mem-
bers of both sexes (including the potential for love and long-term
commitment); and
d. the ability to make rewarding decisions about one’s sexual behav-
ior that are in line with one’s overall value system and moral beliefs.
When gender socialization creates sexual barriers, these positive com-
ponents of sexuality may fail to develop fully. Additionally, utilizing
Whipple’s (1996) principles, any feelings, meanings, beliefs, or behav-
iors that perpetuate gender inequality or harm to sexual partners, also
contribute to creating sexual barriers.
As a result of sexual barriers, couples may struggle with conflict,
feelings of rejection or inadequacy, build-up of resentment, decreased
intimacy or emotional connection, and/or sexual dissatisfaction. Bar-
riers and myths can limit couple sexual satisfaction. Couples may begin
to question their relationships and may feel disappointed with them-
selves or their partners. Couples may realize they are not completely
fulfilled sexually or they may simply realize they would like to enhance
their sexual relationship. However, many couples do not know how to
achieve the enhancement they desire. Further, couples may not under-
stand why or where their difficulties come from or recognize the full
magnitude of what they are missing in their sexual relationships. Cou-
ples may not realize their potential for achieving sexuality that is less re-
stricted by gender socialization barriers. Instead, couples view the
unrealistic and unattainable images of sexuality displayed in society,
such as sex scenes in movies and romance novels. Couples may strive
for unattainable images rather than more healthy or realistic sexual ful-
fillment. Because models of sexuality are often distorted by gender so-
cialization and myths, couples may be unaware of their full sexual
potential, even as they realize they are not sexually fulfilled.
SYSTEMIC APPLICATION TO INCORPORATING

A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE INTO SEX-RELATED THERAPY
Sexual barriers (from gender socialization and/or cultural myths) af-

fect couples on two levels. First, gender socialization influences each
partner’s beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and behaviors related to her/his
sexuality at the individual level (each partner has her or his own sexual
barriers that affect her or his own sexual identity). Second, on a sys-
temic or couple level, each partner brings her/his individual sexuality
and barriers into the relationship, and each partner’s barriers influence
the other. Within couple sexuality, individual barriers systemically in-
teract and influence each other. Couple barriers are then formed as de-
picted in Diagram A.
Systems theory requires that both the individual and couple levels be
addressed in the process of improving sexual interaction. Two concepts
are useful for describing the process: “breaking down barriers” and
“building bridges.” The purpose of “breaking down barriers” is to help
couples expose and analyze the messages they have learned via gender
and sexual socialization. In order for couples to make changes, they
must first identify their goals for change and the steps for making these
changes. The purpose of “building bridges” is to help couples learn new
ideas and beliefs about sexuality that will help create or “build a bridge”
to a more sexually satisfying relationship. Whipple’s (1996) feminist
principles are useful, as therapists directly include gender as a topic in
therapy by exploring how gender socialization and sexual myths have
influenced each partner on an individual and systemic level. Further,
therapists can include Whipple’s principles by encouraging equality,
mutual sexual satisfaction, empowerment of both partners’ voices, and
a broader range of sexual behavior than traditional gendered roles.
At both the individual and couple level, the goal is to begin to break
down barriers and build bridges to a more satisfying sexual relationship
(see Diagram B). Developing a more satisfying sexual relationship is a
long-range goal with many steps. One step toward breaking down barri-
ers is to deconstruct gender socialization messages. For the purpose of
this paper, breaking down barriers is described in three steps:
a. recognizing and becoming aware,
b. developing understanding, and
c. evaluating.
Often clients are unaware of the messages they have internalized or how
these messages affect them and their sexual relationships. The first step,
DIAGRAM A. Systemic Model of Barrier Development

Socio-Cultural
Level
Gender Socialization
and Myths About Sexuality
Individual
Level
Women’s Men’s
Development Development
Sexuality Sexuality
Sexual Sexual
Barriers Barriers
Couple
Level
Couples’
Relationship
Couples’
Sexuality
Couples’
Sexual
Barriers
“becoming aware,” can help clients understand what messages they

have learned, where the message came from, who they were learned
from, etc. For example, the message that sex is dirty may come from re-
pressive religious messages and protective parents because of Bible in-
terpretations and parents who want their children to wait to have sex.
DIAGRAM B. Deconstruction/Reconstruction Processes

Breaking Down Barriers
Couples’ Sexuality
with Barriers
Building Bridges
Couples’ Sexuality
with Bridges
Once clients are aware of the messages, they can then begin to under-
stand them and the effects the messages have individually and systemi-
cally.
In step two, “understanding,” therapists can ask questions such as,
“What impact did certain messages have?” “What were the outcomes of
learning certain messages?” “How do these messages make them feel
about their sexuality and about themselves?” These questions can help
clients gain deeper insight. For some clients, religious messages may
have created guilt about sex, even after marriage. This guilt may lead to
hesitation about sex and a feeling of sexual inhibition.
Finally, in the third step, “evaluation,” it is necessary to evaluate the
effects of the barriers. Clients can explore what they can do about the
messages they learned and can explore what messages they wish they
had learned instead. For example, clients may determine that the mes-
sages “sex is sinful” had harmful effects and they may wish they had
learned sex was beautiful, normal, healthy, etc., instead of sinful.
Next, in order to build bridges, therapists can help clients with three
more steps:
a. relearning and brainstorming options,

b. developing deeper understanding and awareness, and
c. reevaluating.
The first step to relearning new messages is to brainstorm new ways of
thinking and to create strategies for new thoughts, feelings, and behav-
iors. Therapists can ask about different options for new beliefs. What
ways can clients become different (emotionally, mentally, physically)?
For example, in order to learn that sex is healthy and beautiful, clients
may work on negative self-talk, may work on physical responses, do
reading that may help them feel more comfortable about sex, may go
back to talk to their parents about past messages, etc.
During step two, “developing deeper understanding,” clients can
gain additional awareness by exploring what they are learning and what
has changed for them, and developing new ways to continue their
growth. What things have changed since they began working towards
the belief that sex is beautiful? What have they learned about them-
selves? What are new ideas to further their growth? Believing that sex is
beautiful, clients may feel more comfortable exploring different sexual
positions. They may realize they enjoy experimenting. They may be in-
spired to continue their growth by learning about new ways to be sexual.
In the third step, clients can reevaluate what they have accomplished.
Do they like their new beliefs; did new issues surface, were the goals ac-
complished? What other old beliefs might they want to explore? Listed
below are some possible questions in each of the categories. Using the
provided questions is one possible method in the many steps towards
breaking down barriers and building bridges. Therapists can utilize
methods in which they are comfortable.
Breaking Down Barriers
Step One: Recognizing and Becoming Aware

• What are the messages about sexuality?
• Where did these messages come from?
• Who were these messages learned from?
• How were these messages internalized?
• When were these messages learned?
Step Two: Developing Understanding
• What impact did certain messages have on them?
• What were the outcomes of learning certain messages?
• How do these messages make them feel about their sexuality and
about themselves?
• Why do the messages influence them?

Step Three: Evaluating
• What can they do about the messages they learned?
• What ideas do they have about what they wish they had learned in-
stead?
• What will new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors give them that
they don’t have now?
• How will new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors affect them?
• What are the costs/benefits of the old and new beliefs?
Building Bridges
Step One: Relearning and Brainstorming Options

• In what ways can they begin to think differently (mentally, emo-
tionally, physically, spiritually, etc.)? What are the different op-
tions?
• Considering the options, what new thoughts, feelings, and behav-
iors do they want to have?
• What are the possible different strategies they can employ to learn
new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
Step Two: Developing Deeper Understanding and Awareness
• What are they learning about themselves now that they have dif-
ferent options?
• What ideas and strategies are the most helpful?
• What has changed for them now that they have developed some
new ideas and strategies?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are different from before?
How so?
• How can they continue gaining new understanding?
Step Three: Reevaluating
• Were the goals accomplished?
• Do they like the new attitudes/behaviors?
• Were there glitches?
• What were the glitches?
• How did they experience the glitches?
• Are there other things to explore?

• What other things would they like to explore? Why?
Gathering Sexual History and Current Sexual Beliefs

and Practices Information
While gathering sexual history and background information it is nec-

essary to begin to assess each partner’s individual sexual barriers. In or-
der to assess sexual barriers it is necessary to look for any feeling, mean-
ing, belief, or behavior that
a. is detrimental to that individual’s sexual health by limiting self-

awareness and accurate knowledge about sex;
b. diminishes physical or emotional comfort or contradicts her/his
value system;
c. perpetuates sexual inequality between partners; or
d. brings harm to the individual or his/her partner.
Any feeling, meaning, belief, or behavior that violates these criteria can
be considered a sexual barrier. Following are some questions that may
be useful when gathering sexual background and history information.
1. What, where, when, and how did they each learn about sex in the
past? Where are they currently learning about sex?
2. What messages did they learn? Which do they still believe/not
believe? What messages do they hear today?
3. In what ways was sex presented or taught to them in the past
(e.g., was sex a forbidden issue or was it openly and freely dis-
cussed)? By whom (through books, a parent, friends)? How is
sex presented to them today? By whom?
4. How did their peer group think about sex in the past? How does
their peer group think about sex today?
5. What was the purpose for sex–to be intimate or other reasons?
What is the purpose of sex now?
6. How were sexually interesting or attractive women portrayed in
the past? Now?
7. What was a competent male supposed to be like? Is it the same
today?
8. What is the sexual history of each partner (e.g., how many part-
ners, what were those experiences like, etc.)? What do they want
their sexual futures to be like?
9. Have either of them experienced any abuse or trauma in the

past? Now?
10. What is their sexual history as a couple (e.g., when did they start
having sex, how long did they wait to have sex, what was sex
first like in their relationship, etc.)?
11. What did they expect their sex life would be like? What do they
expect it to be like now?
12. What do they really appreciate about their sex life?
13. How has their sex life influenced their relationship and how they
feel about themselves and each other?
14. What is the couple’s use of explicit sexual material and what are
each person’s feelings and beliefs about it?
15. What is their history and current masturbation use? What do
each think and feel about this?
Assessing Sexual Barriers for Males and Females
While gathering sexual history and background information therapists

should screen couples for trauma or abuse. Couples who have encoun-
tered serious issues in their past sexual histories or in their current rela-
tionship, such as rape, incest, or physical or sexual abuse, should seek
appropriate treatment for those issues while or before using this ap-
proach. Further, therapists should also explore the broader context of
the couple relationship by assessing other aspects that may create barri-
ers to sexual satisfaction. Sexual barriers may stem from sources that
may be directly related to sex, such as incomplete knowledge of sexual
functioning and biological/physical problems; or may stem from sources
that are not directly related to sex, such as developmental life stages,
family and work stress, individual and couple psychopathology, other
intimacy and trust issues within the couple relationship, etc. Further,
non-sexual issues related to gender socialization such as power imbal-
ances within the relationship may also create barriers. Although the pre-
viously mentioned factors are beyond the scope of this paper (the focus
of the current paper has been to explore the sexual barriers that directly
stem from the sexual relationship and from gender socialization), other
factors should not be ignored or go untreated.
The approach presented in this paper is not meant to be a quick fix or
a shortcut. Therapists should employ their usual couple sex therapy
methods and techniques. Working through barriers can be a lengthy
process that involves bibliotherapy, cognitive behavioral reprocessing,
communication work, intimacy building, etc. It is recommended that

both partners participate in therapy.
Following are some possible questions that may be useful when as-
sessing sexual barriers that are either directly linked to the sexual rela-
tionship or to gender socialization. It is important to remember that
barriers are unique to each individual. Therefore, some barriers may be
the same for some clients while other barriers will differ. Further, even
though some questions may seem more appropriate for one gender, it is
possible that males can experience barriers that are more typical for fe-
males and females may experience barriers that are more typical for
males. It is helpful to ask the same questions of both partners.
Questions for Assessing Barriers
1. How are you affected by societal standards for women’s and

men’s physical appearance? How do you feel about your body,
hair, face, breasts, genitalia? Do you worry about how your part-
ner views your body? How do you think of yourself as a
woman/man? Have there been times when you haven’t felt femi-
nine or manly enough? Is sexual performance a critical aspect of
your self-definition? Do you worry if your partner appreciates
your body? How do you think your partner feels about your
physical appearance? How do you view your partner’s physical
appearance? How do you think your partner views you as a sex-
ual person? How do you view your partner?
2. Are you comfortable initiating sex? How does your partner view
your comfort level? How do you respond to your partner if
he/she is not in the mood for sex? How do you respond to your
partner if she initiates sex, but you are not in the mood? How
does your partner view your response? Do you often avoid your
partner’s initiations? Are you comfortable drawing sexual
boundaries? How do you feel if you or your partner are initiating
sex and you are or are not physically aroused or excited? How do
you think your partner views this?
3. Do you feel as comfortable accepting sexual pleasure as giving
sexual pleasure to your partner? Is your partner? Do you spend
much more time pleasing your partner than accepting pleasure?
Do you try hard to make sure your partner has an orgasm? How
do you feel if your partner does not have an orgasm? How do
you think they feel? If they want to terminate sex: do you feel in-
adequate or sexually rejected by your partner? And vice versa?
4. Does your partner seem to enjoy sex as much as you do? Have
you stopped sexual activities because you are unsure if your
partner enjoys them? Do you feel comfortable initiating new

sexual activities? Do you think your partner is? Are you com-
fortable asking for what you want sexually? And how do you
think your partner feels about this? Do you feel you know what
your partner likes sexually? Do you feel he/she knows what you
like sexually? Do you feel free to express your sexual fantasies?
Do you feel shame or guilt regarding sexual behaviors, desires,
fantasies? Are you comfortable exploring your sexuality on an
emotional, spiritual, and physical level? Do you feel your part-
ner is?
5. Do you feel sexually free/liberated or do you feel constrained/un-
comfortable during sexual activity? Are you more comfort-
able/uncomfortable with some activities than others? Do you
feel sexually inhibited? Do you have difficulty becoming
aroused? Are you comfortable receiving and giving oral sex or
manual stimulation? Do you know what is sexually pleasurable
for you?
6. Are you comfortable with masturbation? Are you comfortable
masturbating for yourself, by yourself? How do you think your
partner views this? Are you comfortable with your partner mas-
turbating for him/herself, by him/herself? Are you comfortable
masturbating with each other? What are your principal masturbatory
stimulants? Do you rely on visual stimuli? Do you include your
partner or fantasize about strangers? Do you feel shame about
masturbation? Are you able to discuss masturbation with your
partner?
7. Are you aroused or more sexually comfortable when your part-
ner is in control, has more power, or is dominating? How do you
think your partner views this?
8. Do you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your partner’s pleasure:
when you are tired, sick, or not interested; when he has already
had an orgasm but you have not; when you are experiencing
physical discomfort from a sexual act? How do you think your
partner views this issue as well as how do you think he/she views
your feelings about it? Do you notice that your partner is similar
or different?
9. How do you react to occasions of your or your partner’s impo-
tence or premature ejaculation? How do you think your partner
views this issue as well as your feelings about it?
10. What is your tolerance for intimacy? Is sex a replacement for in-
timacy? How do you think your partner views this issue as well
as how do you think he/she views your feelings about it? Do you al-
low yourself to talk openly with someone you love? Do you hold
back certain feelings? What typically happens after sex? Are
you comfortable lying there and talking intimately or comfort-
ably if this does not happen? Are you comfortable being touched
or embraced by a person of the same sex who cares about you?
Do you associate touch and sex?
11. How does society’s objectification of women/men/sex affect the
way you view women/men/sex? Do you objectify your partner?
Is your partner’s appearance tied to how you feel about yourself?
Do you have fantasies of sexual acts that are aggressive, objectifying,
demeaning, or harmful?
Information gained from the previous questions can be utilized to
break down current sexual barriers. Once the individual barriers are de-
termined, the therapist can work with the couple to determine how those
barriers come together at the couple level, and systemically influence
one another. Therapists can directly ask couples what happens in their
interaction with their partner when an individual barrier occurs. De-
tailed questions about couple level functioning can be explored (keep-
ing the sexual health criteria in mind).
Questions to Assess Couple Barriers
1. How often do you usually engage in sexual activity?

2. Who initiates sex first?
3. How is sex initiated in your relationship? How do you feel about it
and how do you think your partner feels about it?
4. What happens if your partner is not in the mood for sex? How do
you feel about it and how do you think your partner feels about it?
5. Where do you usually become intimate? What is the environment
like–dark, warm, candles, etc.? How is that decided? What do you
usually do to become intimate? Do you usually do the same things
or do you do different things? How is it determined what to do
sexually? How do you feel about it and how do you think your
partner feels about it?
6. Do you typically have foreplay? What types of activities do you
usually do? Are they typically the same each time or do they
change? How is it decided? Does one partner typically please the
other more? What happens after foreplay? How is it decided to

finish foreplay? How do you decide what to do next? What do you
usually decide to do next? How do you feel about it and how do

you think your partner feels about it?
7. Who has an orgasm first? What happens after that person has had
an orgasm? How is that decided? How do you feel about it and
how do you think your partner feels about it?
8. What happens after you have finished sexual activities? How is
that decided? How do you feel about it and how do you think your
partner feels about it?
One way of concretely demonstrating both individual and couple
level interaction is by drawing problem cycles of the sexual barriers un-
covered for each partner. For example, therapists can begin with each
individual and map out the different steps that occur sexually by de-
scribing what happens first, then what happens next, what happens after
that, etc. (see the case example). The steps in the cycle can be repre-
sented by feelings (internal feeling states, beliefs, and interpretations)
as well as by external behaviors. For example, one may feel unattractive
and react by hiding under the covers. Therapists can integrate the two
individual cycles by mapping out how they go together and how each
partner reacts to the different steps of their partner’s individual cycle
(see the case example). Once these cycles have been determined, thera-
pists and clients can work together to create cycle breakers and solution
cycles (at both the individual and couple level). For example, what
could be done differently at each step of the cycle? Clients can try the
possible solutions. It may be necessary to modify the cycle breaker
based on what happens when they are tested. The following case exam-
ple will illustrate how male and female barriers and sexual myths can
combine to create conflict, disappointment, and confusion. Although
the case study presents a heterosexual couple (in order to demonstrate
both male and female barriers), the same applications of exploring gen-
der socialization and determining barriers of each partner while using
the steps of breaking down barriers and building bridges can be utilized
with diverse couple forms, such as gay and lesbian relationships.
CASE EXAMPLE: TRACY AND TOM
Tracy and Tom are 29 and 30 years old respectively, have been mar-
ried for five years, have no children, and came to therapy because they
were struggling in their relationship. Tom and Tracy have come to ther-
apy with the hopes of improving their relationship before having chil-
dren. Upon completing the necessary work towards improving their

relationship, Tracy and Tom disclose that they would like to improve
their sex life before terminating therapy. The therapist and couple dis-
cuss the sexual history questions, explore their gender socialization, and
then assess both Tracy and Tom’s sexual barriers.
The therapist learns that Tracy often feels sexually inhibited, has dif-
ficulty becoming aroused, and often feels self-conscious about her physi-
cal appearance. Further, she has learned that sexual satisfaction is more
important to men than women; she doesn’t feel entitled to sexual plea-
sure if Tom is not interested in having sex. Tom revealed some of his
sexual barriers, such as fear about expressing vulnerable feelings (such
as worry about not being a great lover), which limits the intimacy he
feels with Tracy. Tom also feels anxiety if he does not have an erection
when either he or Tracy initiates sexual activity, because he learned it is
necessary to have an erection to be sexually intimate, and that penetra-
tion should be the goal of sexual activity.
On a couple level, both Tom and Tracy said they do not engage in
enough foreplay. Tracy often feels uncomfortable during foreplay and
feels more comfortable “getting on with it.” However, Tracy’s initiative
to “get on with it” makes Tom feel vulnerable if he does not have an
erection and is not ready for penetration. Tom has not felt that he could
discuss this with Tracy for fear of her reaction. Further, Tracy does not
think that men should need foreplay because they should be ready for
sex. Tracy worries that if Tom is not ready for sex, perhaps he is not
feeling attracted to her. Tom would like more foreplay but doesn’t think
that foreplay may be as necessary for him to become aroused as it may
be for Tracy.
The therapist and the couple discuss Tracy and Tom’s barriers at both
an individual level and couple level using the outlined questions through-
out this paper, and then mapped some of the cycles that happen as a re-
sult of the couple’s barriers (see facing page).
Through the discussion of Tom and Tracy’s individual and couple
barriers, the couple was able to learn about their own gender socializa-
tion and her/his partner’s socialization. The diagram reflects thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors, which create either an individual or couple cy-
cle. Thoughts represent how each person thinks or interprets their own
or their partner’s behavior or feelings. Feelings represent the affective
component that is connected to a thought or behavior, and behaviors are
the action component that is reflected in the couple and individual be-
Problem cycle of Tracy’s individual barriers
Tom or Tracy initiate

sexual contact
Has intercourse, but is not Tracy feels
fully aroused, so is not uncomfortable
fully able to enjoy sex with body
Believes sex
is for men Has difficulty She feels
becoming aroused inhibited during
foreplay
Problem cycle of Tom’s individual barriers
Either partner initiates

intimacy and Tom
doesn’t have an erection
Feels anxiety
Terminates
about getting
sexual activity
an erection
Anxiety too
strong to No erection; feels
get aroused shame, doesn’t tell
Tries to get Tracy
aroused
Tracy and Tom’s systemic barriers
Either partner initiates

intimacy and Tom
doesn’t have an erection
Tracy doesn’t pursue sex: Tom doesn’t have an
She still feels inhibited and erection, feels anxiety
believes sex is for men
Tom says he isn’t in Tom tries giving

the mood for sex Tracy foreplay
Tom can’t tell Tracy Tracy feels uncomfortable

about his concern with body; sexually inhibited
Tom worries he isn’t pleasing
Tracy, increased anxiety, no
erection
havior. In learning about gender socialization, each was able to under-

stand why and how they had attributed certain meanings to their own
and their partner’s sexual behavior and feelings. For example, Tracy
had never realized that Tom was vulnerable and fearful if he did not
have an erection. She was able to comfort Tom and reassure him that it
was okay if he didn’t have an erection.
Tracy also learned that it was okay for Tom to need foreplay in order
to warm up to having sex. Tom realized that Tracy would not think less
of him if he didn’t have an erection and that this previous belief
stemmed from the way that Tom was socialized. Tracy began to learn
that she put her own sexual desires on the back burner, because of her
internalized belief that sex was more for men than it was for women.
She began to see her own sexual desires as equally important to Tom’s,
and became better able to ask for what she would prefer sexually.
Tracy’s ability to tell Tom her desires helped Tom feel more confi-
dent about sexually pleasing Tracy. This helped decrease his anxiety
about his sexual performance. Through exploring gender socialization,
Tracy became more aware of the reasons that she was uncomfortable
about her body. Learning to become more comfortable with her body
helped Tracy feel more comfortable with Tom touching her body and
helped her to feel less inhibited.
The therapist was able to help Tom and Tracy think of cycle breakers
for both their individual and couple level barriers and create solution
cycles. Each step in the individual and couple problem cycle presents an
opportunity to do something different to change the interaction. Tracy
and Tom were able to try the cycle breakers and modify them (often
with the help of the therapist). Tracy and Tom reported that their sexual
satisfaction and intimacy had greatly increased as a result of therapy. As
well as using the deconstruction/reflexive questions and the problem/so-
lution cycles discussed above, the therapist also assigned bibliotherapy,
communication exercises, some pychoeducation, some cognitive be-
havioral therapy, and journaling.
The case example demonstrates how sexual barriers can manifest in
relationships and cause significant barriers to sexual satisfaction. This
couple had several sexual barriers that created a downward spiral. It is
not uncommon for barriers to blend together and create difficulty. As
the case demonstrated, it was helpful to explore both Tracy and Tom’s
individual sexual barriers as well as understand these difficulties from a
systemic perspective. The amount and severity of barriers will vary
from couple to couple. The approach presented here can be used when
increased sexual satisfaction and fulfillment are therapeutic goals.
LIMITATIONS AND CONCLUSIONS

In any culture, sexual barriers will influence both the individual and
couple level, though the nature of sexual barriers will vary from society
to society, based on gender socialization differences. Systems theory
provides a method for exploring sexual barriers that is not culturally re-
stricted. In any culture it is possible to explore both individual and sys-
tem levels. Using a feminist perspective to break down gender socializa-
tion barriers and societal myths can also be applied to all cultures, re-
gardless of one’s particular cultural background (even patriarchal
cultures can explore gender socialization messages). However, gender
socialization and myths will vary depending on cultural background,
which will influence the barriers that different cultures experience.
Therapists must be culturally aware of how barriers may differ depend-
ing on the client’s cultural background, age, sexual orientation, etc.
Additionally, feminist assumptions of equality between partners em-
phasize mutuality and equal sexual satisfaction between partners. Femi-
nist therapists should be aware of their own values when determining if
they are able to work with clients who do not seek equality in their rela-
tionships. Feminist assumptions may not represent the sexual goals or
standards of all cultures.
Future work should expand the principal ideas presented in this paper
for work with specific cultures and diverse populations. Therapists need
to be culturally sensitive to the sexual goals, standards, and influences
of different cultures and diverse couple relationships if they plan to pro-
vide services to diverse clients. Future work should address how the
ideas presented in this paper can be altered to meet the needs and back-
grounds of gay and lesbian clients, as well as altered to be culturally sen-
sitive for diverse cultural groups such as African American, Latino/Latina,
and Korean clients.
There are no empirical studies that demonstrate the efficacy or effec-
tiveness of the applications presented here. This work was established
theoretically through the clinical work of a few therapists. Future work
should address empirical research that explores (a) efficacy and effec-
tiveness, (b) individual and couple barriers, and (c) the strengths and
limitations of using this approach with diverse couples and diverse cul-
tures.
A main component of the feminist perspective (as utilized here) is to
deconstruct gender socialization barriers. Therefore, the first step in
conceptualizing and articulating the applications presented in this pa-
per, was to fully develop and integrate breaking down barriers (e.g., as
opposed to building bridges). As a result, breaking down barriers was

discussed in more detail than building bridges.
It is possible that the provided questions may lead to alternative ex-
planations, new considerations, and change in one’s meanings, beliefs,

and behaviors. Through the use of questions as therapeutic interven-
tions, it is possible for clients to develop new cognitive processes and
behaviors as well as self-healing (Tomm, 1987), which may build bridges
for sexual relationships. However, although deconstruction, conscious-
ness raising, and reflexive questions inspire reflection, questioning,
thought stimulation, etc. (which is a part of building bridges), this work
may not necessarily transfer to sexual beliefs, behavior, interactions
(insight doesn’t necessarily equal change). Reconstructing sexuality
(transferred to sexual behavior, feelings, and interaction) is extensive
therapeutic work beyond the scope of this paper. Future work on the ap-
plications presented in this paper should more fully develop, integrate,
and operationalize the building bridges process. Further, future work
should also explore other avenues (than gender socialization barriers
that influence sexuality) that influence sexual issues between couples
(power, household labor, illness, etc).
This paper presents applications from a systemic, feminist frame-
work for working with couples with sexual difficulties. Utilizing a sys-
temic perspective is important because it enables therapists to diagnose
and treat sexual problems on both the individual and couple level. Also,
because sexuality is intrinsically connected to gender socialization, it is
also helpful to utilize an approach (such as FFT) that directly addresses
gender socialization issues. Systems theory helps therapists operationalize
FFT.
Whipple’s FFT principles illustrate how therapists can explicitly ex-
plore and analyze gender socialization barriers within therapy, encour-
age mutual sexual satisfaction for both partners, and help couples
explore a wider range of sexual expression beyond narrow gender role
constraints. It is possible for couples to break down sexual barriers and
develop bridges towards a more satisfying sexual relationship. The
ideas presented in this paper offer techniques that are directly applica-
ble to therapy and are often underutilized in traditional sex therapy.
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Received: 09/02/02
Revised: 10/18/02
Accepted: 10/23/02

Barriers in The Bedroom

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On: 13 November 2014, At: 23:42

Journal of Feminist Family

Barriers in the Bedroom

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ABSTRACT. Negative messages internalized through gender socialization

Kathrine Daniels, MS, is a graduate of Colorado State University, Human Develop-

KEYWORDS. Feminist family therapy, gender socialization, sex-related

to understand their partner’s sexual behaviors and feelings and to empa-

Two theoretical frameworks utilized for the feminist applications

Feminist Family Therapy

Whipple’s model (Whipple, 1996) of Feminist Family Therapy

d. empowers clients to explore non-traditional or non-stereotypical

e. affirms women and their ways in the face of gender-based oppression.

This paper utilized systems theory by applying the concept of holism

Despite feminist literature that is applicable to sex-related therapy,

Valentich, Cammaert, & Gripton, 1985; Keystone & Carolan, 1998;

vanced the knowledge for incorporating a feminist perspective into sex

Gender socialization, the process of conditioning, modeling, and re-

early age when “appropriate” behaviors are reinforced and “inappropri-

der socialization can influence the development of sexual barriers

Female Socialization and Possible Barriers

General socialization may influence female sexuality by encourag-

needs (Pipher, 1994). In addition, females may learn to value external

may devalue their sexuality in relation to men (Richgels, 1992). A grave

Male Socialization and Possible Barriers

Society’s images of masculinity and feminine beauty affect males. Males

SOCIETAL MYTHS THAT INFLUENCE SEXUAL BARRIERS

In addition to the sexual barriers formed through gender socialization,

Gender Socialization and Implications for Couples

Gender socialization is a process through which developing individ-

Definitions of Cultural Myths and Scripts

Cultural Myth: Definition:

interactive behaviors, representing barriers to positive sexual expres-

Sexual barriers can be any feeling, meaning, belief, or behavior that

SYSTEMIC APPLICATION TO INCORPORATING

Sexual barriers (from gender socialization and/or cultural myths) af-

DIAGRAM A. Systemic Model of Barrier Development

“becoming aware,” can help clients understand what messages they

DIAGRAM B. Deconstruction/Reconstruction Processes

Breaking Down Barriers

a. relearning and brainstorming options,

Breaking Down Barriers

Step One: Recognizing and Becoming Aware

• Why do the messages influence them?

Step One: Relearning and Brainstorming Options

• Are there other things to explore?

Gathering Sexual History and Current Sexual Beliefs

While gathering sexual history and background information it is nec-

a. is detrimental to that individual’s sexual health by limiting self-

9. Have either of them experienced any abuse or trauma in the

Assessing Sexual Barriers for Males and Females

While gathering sexual history and background information therapists

communication work, intimacy building, etc. It is recommended that

Questions for Assessing Barriers

1. How are you affected by societal standards for women’s and

partner enjoys them? Do you feel comfortable initiating new

Questions to Assess Couple Barriers

1. How often do you usually engage in sexual activity?

other more? What happens after foreplay? How is it decided to

usually decide to do next? How do you feel about it and how do

CASE EXAMPLE: TRACY AND TOM