Brooklyn Nine-Nine Episode Scripts Uh, Detective I already solved the case.

We're looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats

브루클린 나인나인 episode 1 - Pilot on both arms.

And how do you know that? I had an informant on the inside.
He's been here for years.
This job is eating me alive.
Watching, learning.
I can't breathe anymore.
Waiting.
I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the
His code name? Fuzzy Cuddle bear.
white hat.
He's a nanny cam.
I'm not becoming like them.
You got lucky.
I am them.
No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this
Hey! What are you doing, weirdo? I'm doing the best speech from
gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working
Donnie Brasco.
camera.
Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie
Oh! Hi, bad guys! You did it, fuzzy.
Brasco.
You busted 'em.
What's up? Get it together, man.
It's time to come home.
Okay? So the store was hit about two hours ago.
I'm not sure if I can.
They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras.
I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am.
Sorry.
I have seen terrible things.
I'd like a list of all your employees, whoever had access to the
I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons.
store.
All right.
I'd also like to apologize for my partner.
Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from me! Yes, I did crack the
His parents didn't give him enough attention.
case.
So, Santiago, would you do the honors? Ohhh! I hate this! Ah, Anyone else? How about we focus on the murder and not the old
yeah. person gunk? Crime techs are at the scene now.
I hate this. We're heading back when they're done.
And you're just gonna add one. Okay, I want you on this.
I'm winning. It's gonna be priority one for the new C.
It's a good feeling. O.
It's a good feeling. Wait, tell us about the new Captain.
Yeah. Captain Holt will be here soon.
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll wanna introduce himself.
I will! JP, update on the Morgenthau murder? Yeah! Good news for Dismissed.
all you murder fans. Hey, Gina.
Earlier this morning Someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food You know any scalpers? I wanna ask Rosa to go to the Rihanna
importer Henry Morgenthau. concert with me, but it's sold out.
Body was found by the cleaning lady, during her interview, I Okay, two points to make here.
deduced, using expert Detective work, that she had something super First, Rihanna You And then Rihanna.
gross on her chin. Yeah.
I think it was flan. What's your second point? She's got a type.
Charles thinks it was flan. Which is really anyone but you.
I think it was butterscotch pudding. Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.
Maybe it was just old person gunk. Look, a Rihanna concert's a pretty big swing, man.
You know how old people always have that gunk on them. - I don't know.
Oldie gunk. - She's into watching old movies.
Could be, yeah. Cool.
Where would I find a place that shows old movies? Oh, yeah, just You must be the new C.
go on the Internet and search for the phrase "I want to buy two O.
movie tickets for a girl who doesn't like me. I'm Detective Jake Peralta.
" - Great. Great to meet you.
Thank you. Now don't let me interrupt.
- Good. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be.
Hey, you heard anything about the new Captain? Uh, no, and I I'd like you to finish.
don't care. That's not necessary.
I just wish Captain McGintley never left, he was the best. Or I could recap very quickly, sure.
He was terrible. Um, let's see.
You just liked him 'cause he let you do anything you wanted. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.
On your marks, get set Go. - Now do the robot voice.
What the hell's going on around here? Fire extinguisher roller chair - Which The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a
derby? Okay. rule-following robot.
And go! Yeah! What's your point? If I'm ever gonna make Captain, I wanna hear it again.
I need a good mentor. Meep morp zarp.
I need my rabbi. Robot.
Sorry, dude But this new guy's gonna be another washed-up pencil - That's a terrible robot voice.
pusher who's only concerned with Following every rule in the patrol - Yep.
guide. The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.
Meep morp zeep. Oh, actually, the last Captain didn't care if we wore ties.
Robot Captain Engage. Well, your new Captain does.
- Is that what you think? - He-hey! New Captain alert. And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders.
Everyone, I'm your new commanding officer, - Captain Ray Holt. I'm fine.
- Speech! - That was my speech. I'm fine.
- Short and sweet. Ahhh! I think he's dead.
- Sergeant Jeffords, a word. And I'm still not right.
- Yes, sir. Tell me about your Detective squad.
I love that guy. Um Well, Scully, Hitchcock, and Daniels.
Same! He's so suave. They're pretty much worthless, but they make good coffee.
Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe? No? Okay. Copy that.
Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me Though you were Now the good ones.
significantly Fatter, sir. Rosa Diaz.
They called me "Terry Titties. Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.
" Because I had large, uh Titties, yes. Tell me who has me for secret santa.
I remember. No! That takes all the fun out of it.
I never liked that nickname. It's Scully.
Though to be fair, it was accurate. He got you a scarf.
What's this I hear about you being on administrative leave? A year - I'll make him return it.
ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls. - Yes, you will.
Cagney and Lacey. Charles Boyle.
They have adorable chubby cheeks. He's a grinder.
Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt. Not the most brilliant Detective, but he works harder than anyone
Lost my edge. else.
There was an incident in a department store. He's not physically gifted.
Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy. Oh, man! My muffin.
Ahh! Oh, my head! My muffin, my head! And I stepped on the On Where do we start? What is happening? We start with him.
my muffin! And my head and my muffin. Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red
Amy Santiago. footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack.
She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's Shell casing found here.
tough. Two shots.
Careful. Bang, bang.
That stuff's pretty hot. Great work, Detective.
Oh, is it? Hmm? She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets You get a tie.
more arrests this year. Hey, that's mine.
Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up. You took it from my desk.
Tell me about Peralta. That's right, Charles.
Jacob Peralta is my best Detective. Good solve.
He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. - Tie for you.
The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up. - Thanks! Now everyone be sure to put those on because it's
That was very well put. impossible to solve crimes - unless you're wearing a tie.
I've talked a lot about Jake in my departmentally mandated therapy - Lay off the Captain.
sessions. That man is gonna be my rabbi.
Look, you know my history. Okay, first of all, when you use the word "rabbi," you know that
You know how important this is to me. turns me on and that's unfair in the work environment.
This precinct is doing fine, but I wanna make it the best one in Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.
Brooklyn. Yeah, he's a little too serious.
And I need your help. - What do you think, Rosa? - He seems cool.
Absolutely, sir. Yeah, he seems cool.
I agree. - No, it didn't.
Looks like the perp stole a computer, a watch, and a Jamon Iberico He's got like super hearing.
ham, valued at what! $6,000. Hey, Rosa! Rosa.
$6,000 for a ham? Jamon Iberico is an amazing cured ham from Rosa! Um, I just happened to notice that there's an old movie
Spain. festival playing at the film forum this week.
They had it at my uncle's funeral. Wanna go? Sure.
I gorged myself at that funeral. Cool! Awesome.
I mean, I was constipated for three days. There's a bunch of movie options.
Wow, that's a great story, Charles, thank you. I'll probably just go with something classic like Citizen Kane.
All right, listen up, everybody. Citizen Kane is terrible.
Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation. Pick a good movie.
Speaking of ties, where's yours, meep morp? This is fantastic. Good call.
Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder. Smart.
What are you doing here? I like to know what my detectives are up I'll do it.
to. I'll pick a better movie than Citizen Kane.
- That okay by you? - Yep. So Gina Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to
Take Santiago and knock on doors. the ground.
See if the neighbors heard anything. What do Santiago and Peralta have riding on this bet of theirs? I
Door duty? It's a waste of time. will tell you on six conditions.
Diaz and Boyle. Number one, you let me use your office to practice my dance
Check in the coroner. moves.
Report back to me in an hour. Second How about this? - If you tell me - Mm-hmm.
- That went well. I won't have you suspended Without pay.
Oh, that sounds great. - Hello.
Okay, the deal is if Amy gets more arrests, Jake has to give her What's your name? - My name? - Mm-hmm.
his car. - Mlepnos.
It's an old Mustang, and it's pretty sweet. - Can you spell that, please? M-l-e-p Clay.
If he gets more arrests, she has to go on a date with him. Did you say "Clay"? Yes, the "Clay" is silent.
He guarantees it will end in sex. All right, got it.
I bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. Have you seen this man before? He was shot last night.
At the very least, some touching - No, that's enough, Gina. Oh.
- Caresses. Thank you.
I could see him showing up in a silk robe. No, sir, that's ours.
- That's enough, Gina. We need that.
- All right. - We - And he kept it.
Thank you. Wall Street journal on the doormat Top floor apartment.
Let the wasting of time begin. like a hot, eligible bachelor.
Hello, sir. I'll take that action.
Can we ask you a few questions? Definitely. Police! Open up! Hello.
Yeah. Oh! Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective
I'm actually I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner Detective Terrible
Are you smelling that weed smell? Yeah. Detective.
'Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed, and bolted. No surprises from the coroner.
It's Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the A few gunshots, shoulder and chest.
floor? Yes. None of the neighbors heard or saw anything.
Police! - Hello. And what's worse, Santiago struck out with a 92-year-old.
That is not accurate, sir. Is there a place nearby the crime scene that sells it? - Beneficio's
Wait, you hooked up with him? Ugh! All right, hit the pawn shops might.
and canvass the neighborhood. - Let's go.
And while you're out, you can buy yourself a tie. You gotta brief the C.
Oh, actually, sir I'm wearing a tie right now. O.
Check it out. first.
Secret tie. We'll brief him after we catch the guy.
First of all, I think you're kind of overdoing it with the manscaping. My name is Ratko.
But more importantly, Detective, why do you refuse to take my I don't know anything.
orders seriously? Does anyone here know why it's so important to Oh, okay.
me that you all dress appropriately? Hmm. You recognize this guy? - Henry Morgenthau? - No.
Four highly trained detectives and not one of you can solve this Maybe actually look at the picture.
simple mystery. I don't know him.
I wanna be briefed on any new developments. I don't know what happened.
Any questions? I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too No more questions.
much manscaping, but we solved that one. Well, why don't I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me
So I'm good. what you think? You do know Morgenthau.
Hey, Boyle. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams.
- Yep. You knew they were worth a lotta money, so you tried to steal
- What about this fancy ham stuff? - Jamon Iberico. them from him when he wasn't home.
- Yes. Only he was home, so you shot him.
The perp left a really expensive TV but then stole ham? It doesn't Does that sound familiar? Uh, maybe some role play will jog your
make sense. memory? - Great idea.
- Okay, yeah. I wish I could get assigned here full-time.
Okay. You could not be farther from the action.
- So I'm I'm Ratko. Sergeant, you know me.
- No, no, I'm Ratko. I have more arrests than anyone.
Come on. Will you please tell the Captain how dumb it is to lock his best
I'm always the victim. Detective in a file cabinet? Second best.
Look, I'm doing this with you right here. You're wrong about Holt.
Fine, fine. That man has forgotten more about being a cop than you will ever
Oh! I'm Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. know.
Don't I know you from the grocery store? Kill! And scene. In 1981, he caught the disco strangler.
NYPD! Everyone down! Ma'am, if you could just get down, or It's over, disco man! Put down the yo-yo and back away from the
ignore me and continue shopping. girl.
Boyle, get the door! On it! Ratko! Oh! Ow! Ha ha ha! Ow, Ratko, Wow.
ow! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ratko! I'm getting mad! That's a The man is the real deal.
waste of manchego! Charles! How are you still here? Jake! Little You need to listen to him.
help! Ratko! He's not going anywhere, Jake! Ratko! I got him! I got Gonna be hard to win our bet when you're on the bench, Peralta.
him! Don't worry! So no, I did not brief you. Although I did start a new category.
And yes, he did get away. "Murderers we let go.
But some bonus good news I got you hazelnut. " And look at that.
And A little spoon there for you. You're winning.
Is he seriously assigning me to the records room? I mean, why do Have fun with your files.
we even have a records room? Computer's been invented, right? I Yeah, you know what, I will have fun with my files.
didn't dream it? You're lucky, man. Have fun with your face! Slam! That was a slam.
So what movie did you get us tickets to? Oh, well, just to be safe, Thank you very much, sir.
I bought tickets to all of them. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately.
Just to be safe? What does that mean? I don't know, I didn't Let's pound it out.
wanna mess up. You know what, such fine police work, let's share it with the whole
Because you're sort of Opinionated. team.
You think I'm opinionated? Okay, here's an opinion for you. Santiago! Boyle! Diaz! Get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!
You're a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit. That's not necessary.
So we can go see North by Northwest. Oh, they're here! Of the fine master Detective, Jake Peralta.
We're not seeing a movie together. Yeah, let's have a hand, everyone.
Good call. - Give him a hand.
Smart. - Yeah, nice! Looking good! Yeah.
Keep it profesh. Thank you.
- Hey, Captain. No record of Ratko on the ledger.
- So you found something? Hey, I like the tie. Must've used cash.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Well, I, for one, am just pumped to be on a stakeout with you,
Anyway, I think I got something good here. Captain.
Turns out the name "Ratko" is made up. You know what my favorite thing about stakeouts is? Patrol guide
But I was digging through these files One of which I literally found says "no dress code.
in a spider web And it turns out there were a bunch of references " So I'm just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends.
to a serbian thug, street names "the rat" and "the butcher," who's Does he always talk this much? I just tune it out.
known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has It's like a white noise machine.
red soil, hence, the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau's counter. Okay, first of all, that's racist.
That's fine work, Detective. Secondly, Captain, Terry told me you caught the disco strangler.
That's incredible. But they put me in a public affairs unit.
I've read that case. I was a good soldier.
With all due respect, sir, why'd it take you so long to get your first I helped recruitment.
command? Because I'm gay. But all I ever really wanted was my own command.
Ah. And now I finally got it.
Seriously? I'm surprised you didn't know. And I'm not gonna screw it up.
I don't try to hide it. Captain, I'm sorry.
Did anyone else get a little bit of a gay vibe? Manscaping. I I feel like a jackass.
Damn! I am not a good Detective. But on the flip side, there's Ratko.
Here. Humility over.
I feel bad that you spent all that money on the movie tickets. I'm amazing! Fantastic.
Why don't you just go to the movies with me? Nope. Looks like we all got door duty.
Okay. Ah, yeah.
Well, this is awkward. From before.
It's not awkward. Good one.
I like your company. You look great.
You're sweet. Clear.
When did you come out? About 25 years ago. Clear.
The NYPD was not ready for an openly gay Detective. Okay.
But then the old guard died out. Unbelievable! Un-believable! Ah.
Suddenly, they couldn't wait to show off the fact that they had a Ratko, great to see you.
highly ranking gay officer. You can't stop me.
I made Captain. I'm going.
Actually, you're not going anywhere. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.
'Cause if you take a look to your left, you'll see Detective's Boyle What's wrong with you? Never took off the speedo.
and Diaz. Big mistake.
Right there is Detective Santiago. It is inside me.
And behind you is Captain Holt. Great work, team!
Point is My team has you surrounded.
Oh, my God, I just got the tie thing! Captain, I just figured it out. 브루클린 나인나인 episode 2 - The Tagger
Maybe now's not the best time, Detective.
It's a uniform! We're a team, and the tie is a part of that team's Ah, Captain.
uniform, right? You ask Ratko what team? No, Ratko, shut up. You're at my desk.
It's important to you because you were kept off the team for so Just what I wanna see first thing in the morning.
long. You're three minutes late, Peralta.
And now you're the coach, and you want us to all wear that same Not my fault.
uniform. I had a plumbing problem.
Boom! Nailed it! Yes, you did. [Musical ringtone] [Groans] Which reminds me, I'm gonna need a
Now just arrest Ratko. new departmentally issued phone.
All right, Ratko, down. Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late, so you're gonna call
Drop the weapon. me out in front of everyone? Good idea.
Hands on your head. Everyone? Gather round, so I can call out Peralta in front of you.
Here we go. Okay, fine.
- Hey! - He's running! Oh! Got him! Hands behind your back! I was three minutes late.
Hands behind your back! Stay down. I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong.
That's how we do it in the nine-nine, sir. - Oh, it's more than one thing.
- Uh-oh. He's grumpy.
Let's start with the Kristov murder. Okay, detectives, let's get started.
It was an amazing solve. Santiago, where are we with the Jay street drug bust? There are
I got him to confess in 20 minutes. 12 keys of coke unaccounted for, but we just got a warrant to
You also mislabeled the evidence, so that confession is worthless if search the dealer's apartment.
the sergeant hadn't caught your mistake. Good.
Here are three cases with sloppy paperwork. Take Boyle and Diaz.
Here are two pictures. Dream team.
One is your locker. Peralta, brief us on the vandalism case.
The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Well, there's no easy way to put this, sarge, but someone has been
Can you tell which is which? - That one's the dump? - They're both painting wieners on squad cars.
your locker. [Laughter] And apparently, they won't stop until there's a penis
Gah, I should've guessed that. drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.
He's good. Oh, that's what he's been drawing.
This folder is labeled "undies, dirty. But what are those little round things at the bottom? That's the butt.
" So I won't confuse it with "undies, clean. The butt? I assume you have a plan to catch this gentleman.
" Also, who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests Did you just say "genital-man"? Because if so, kudos, and yes, I
than any other Detective here. have a plan.
You also have more mice living in your desk than any other I'm gonna plant a decoy squad car as bait.
Detective. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in an undercover vehicle here.
[Gasps] Algernon. He's already tagged three U/C vehicles.
[All aw] You guys, Algernon's back. He can clearly spot 'em.
Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together now. You should take my minivan.
- A minivan? - A-ha! [Laughter] You all got a problem with my Internet.
minivan? 'Cause my wife doesn't like it either. - Ugh.
She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. - Really, Gina? - A psychic? - What? She's the real deal.
They roll! That's a good idea, sergeant. E.
We'll take the van. G.
We? You're coming with me? Sir, with all due respect, I don't need , last week, she predicted I would have a sensuous encounter with
backup. a guy named Mark.
It's not backup. And I did.
It's babysitting. [Rock music] Is anyone here named Mark? You're good.
- Babysitting. Okay, she's had visions which, frankly, science cannot account for.
- A-ha! [Indistinct chatter] Oh, look at this. Also, she can get you amazing deals on ladies' footwear.
The drug dealer got a B. She's assistant manager at Leonard's designer shoes.
A. Vision.
in art history from Brooklyn college. The drugs are in a location.
Interesting, huh? How's that interesting? Well, it's surprising because I see the color blue She sees blue.
you would think he had studied drugs. And yellow.
I studied art history too. And I see the letter "L", "R", "S", "T", "W", "E", and "B.
- Also not interesting. " So basically, everyone's first eight guesses in hangman? Thank
- Excuse me. you, Carlene.
I know I'm just a lowly civilian administrator, but I couldn't help Your entire life is garbage.
overhearing you're looking for some missing drugs? As it turns out, So Holt's coming on my stakeout now? I made a mixtape with
my friend here, Carlene, is a psychic, and she's ready to help you. some very explicit rap on it, and now I can't sing along.
I do palms, tarot, and I have a degree in numerology from the You made a mixtape? Yes, I still listen to cassettes.
This guy is all over me. She died two years later.
I mean, a Captain on a minor vandalism case? It's insane. Your sincere belief in my gift means a great deal.
What's insane is how you refuse to get with the program. Vision.
There is a new sheriff in town, Jake. The woman you love, the one you work with, the scary one with
Well, I like the old sheriff. the black hair - Rosa.
I mean, McGintley wouldn't care about a messy desk or all these - Yes? She doesn't love you back.
stupid rules. She will never love you back.
(All) Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase Hey! What the hell's going on Say "thank you," Charles.
here? Science experiment. She just told you your future.
I wanna see what happens if I taser this cantaloupe. Thank you.
Okay. You left without me.
(All) Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase Ah! [All oh] Yeah! [Cheers and You were late again.
applause] And McGintley wouldn't care if I was three minutes late Well, I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise.
'cause he was always an hour late and hungover, and he would let Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom, CPA, recently divorced father of
you do literally anything you want if you gave him a hamburger. two with a dark sexual secret.
Did he let you play your mixtape? Okay. - What's your cover? - Angry Captain.
That's very funny. Okay, so you do not like my ensemble.
Get an iPod, man. I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue a criminal on
Mixtape. foot while wearing man sandals.
I just want to apologize for my fellow Detective's behavior. But the sandals define Harvey.
Okay, my granny also had the gift. He's a sandals guy.
I feel that I will die soon. [Sighs] Captain, why the babysitting? Why are you micromanaging
She was right. me? You think I wanna be sitting here with you instead of running
my precinct? Yes. than perfectly.
It was a rhetorical question. It's "more perfectly.
I've spent the last 12 years fighting for my first command, and I'm " You said that imperfectly.
not gonna let you screw it up because you refuse to take your job I was testing you.
seriously. You did perfectly.
Hey, I do take my job seriously. Quick update on the tagger situation He is currently spray-painting
I put away bad guys. our van right now.
That's what matters. Police, freeze! Ow, ow, ow.
Well, so does doing your paperwork, showing up on time, wearing Sandal down.
proper footwear. Lost a sandal.
That's on Harvey. NYPD, freeze! I'm here.
That's not me. You're busted.
Well, so here's the deal. Already got him.
You're gonna have a superior officer babysitting you on every one We got him.
of your cases. Oh, hey, Captain.
And when you show me that you can do your job Every part of Hi, so I was able to procure that $50 after all, and my offer still
your job Perfectly, then I'll back off. stands.
Okay. Let me do whatever I want, and the $40 That's how much I
Counteroffer. actually have is yours.
I give you 50 bucks, and you let me do whatever I want. No? Fair enough.
Fine. I only had 30 anyway.
We'll do it your way. Well, I guess in order to get you to stop micromanaging me, I'm
From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly, perfecter gonna have to get back to the most important piece of police work
there is: Writing a perfect report. Tacky.
Good, I'm anxious to read it. Not a deal breaker, though.
And I'm anxious to restore my status as a lone wolf. I'd just repaint it.
[Howls] Anything else, Detective? Yeah, I'm gonna do one more. The psychic predicted the drugs would be found in something blue.
[Howls] Lone wolf. [Slow motion] I see the color blue.
He's digging me. She also made this really depressing prediction about my life.
[Clicks tongue] Hey, sarge, do you know where we keep the glitter? [Slow motion] She will never love you back.
Just wanna make sure this report for the Captain is extra sparkly. And if she's right about where we find the drugs, that means she's
What are you doing, Peralta? Look, if I have to do things his way, right about the other thing.
I'm gonna do them my way. - Uh-huh.
[Laughs] Okay, man. - Kitchen.
It was nice working with you. - Whoa.
[Laughs] I'm not scared of him, okay? I'm not scared of anyone. - Jackpot.
Oh, also, the tagger drew a penis on your minivan. There's way more than 12 keys in here.
I'm sorry. Where was it? Baseboard, behind the hamper.
Please don't chase after me. What color was the hamper? - Green.
What? There's a penis on my minivan? High ceilings, three - Yes.
bedrooms. The clothes hamper was green.
Why does every perp have a nicer place than I do? You know The clothes hamper was green! Drinks on me.
what they don't teach you at the academy? It's better to be a [Laughs] You're weird.
criminal. [Engine starts] Sorry this is taking so long.
Oh, no. Still writing up my report.
The cabinets are blue. Pretty detailed.
Hey, Gina, can you look up what the humidity was about an hour
ago and also what moon cycle we're in? No, sorry.
Don't feel like it, no.
Thanks, Gina.
And now to you.
What's your name? My name is banana fartman, md.
I don't believe you.
Come on, man.
Just tell me who you are.
I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my
back.
Are you a minor? How old are you? I'm 610.
I'm a highlander.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna put that in there.
And then you're gonna be tried as an adult highlander.
And they're gonna cut your head off.
Is that what you want? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but
your psychic friend's predictions about the drug case were wrong,
which means all of her predictions are wrong.
Mm-mm.
No way.
She's never wrong.
We found the cocaine behind a green hamper.
Never said green or the letter "H.
" Mm-hmm, she said "blue" and "yellow," Charles.
I don't know if there's any kindergarteners present, but those two
colors combined make green.
She also mentioned the letters "L" and "B," and another name for a
hamper is Lady bin? Laundry basket.
Oh, little boo-boo.
Can you go be depressed over there? You're bumming out my
whole area.
Baby, I've got some bad news.
Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan.
No, you cannot have an SUV now.
Those things roll, baby.
They roll! Hey, look at this.
Your prints were on file.
Nice to meet you, Trevor Podolski.
Oh, Podolski, just like deputy police commissioner Podolski.
Your father is deputy police commissioner Podolski.
I'm not sure how things work here, but does that mean that your
career is in my hands? Okay, you know what? Yes.
I feel like we could round up to 21.
Or we could round down to 20, take the extra 0.
2, sell it to our friends.
[Giggles] I'll call the D. You're the arresting officer.
A. It's your call.
Rosa, you log this in. I told you to do every part of your job, and making this call is part
Charles, maybe watch Gina. of your job.
[Laughs] So what are you doing tonight? Nothing. - Yeah, but you think I should process him.
What about you Are doing tonight? Nothing. - Mm-hmm.
Carlene. Well, if I do, the deputy commissioner could ruin my career, and I'll
Whelp, I hope you find something to do. end up on the streets selling my beautiful body for a can of beans.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna pee. Mm-hmm.
That's what I'm doing tonight. Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like a statue? Yes.
No. Man, you were totally right about the cocaine, and you were also
[Sighs] Deputy commissioner's son, huh? [Sighs] His decision to right about Rosa.
target cop cars makes a lot more sense now. Who's Rosa? The woman I The woman who doesn't love him back.
We gotta let him walk, right? He defaced nine police vehicles, and Oh.
you caught him red-handed. Yes, that woman.
Why would you let him walk? [Chuckles] Captain, I did all the work You know, it can be a burden to always know what's gonna happen
on this perfectly. in the future.
I mean, my report has over 25 pages of meticulous research, Don't get out of the chair.
diagrams, and maps. I just had a vision of you leaving this chair and getting seriously
I even put an "about the author" section on the back. injured.
I did everything you asked me to do, but this is above my pay Oh, my God.
grade. I should probably wheel you back to your desk.
You gotta make the call. That is a great idea.
Wheel you off a bridge. Just smack him.
[Laughs] I'm kidding. Hard.
Oh, you're alone Uh-oh, you're alone for life So here are my With a phone book on a body part no one can see, you know what
options. I'm saying? So you're suggesting police brutality? Ha, ha, I guess
One, I process Podolski's kid, he fires me, and I spend the rest of so, yeah.
my career as a Detective, third grade, which is literally pathetic. Why? - Hey, Scully.
No offense, Hitchcock. - Yeah? You want this collar? Paperwork's all done, and it's perfect.
None taken. The Podolski kid? Are you kidding? I just gave him my lunch.
Option two, I let him walk, and I spend the rest of my life with Holt Okay.
as my babysitter. Boyle, what do you think? I don't know, man.
Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life with a I'm lost.
babysitter, she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica, and she The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle.
always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want. I-I'm at the whim of the cosmos.
How old are you in this scenario? Anyway, the point is Holt cares All right, I'm gonna put you down for "bummer," and you can hang
more about whether I "do my job right" than whether I have a job out in that category all by yourself.
at all. Hey, everyone.
So I'm taking suggestions. Hey, Jake, there is a very sexy, angry official here, deputy
I say piss off Holt, so we get to watch your career end right in commissioner Podolski.
front of us. He's asking for you.
Okay, thank you for that, Santiago. Very angry.
I'm gonna put you down for "don't arrest," and I'm also going to put Elderly, sexy, furious.
your phone number on every urinal in Rikers. Well, my career is over.
Don't arrest him. See you at the bottom, Hitchcock.
No offense. You do realize he did thousands of dollars worth of property
No, none taken. damage, though, to police vehicles.
Deputy commissioner. Look, I think we can all agree that I'm ordering you to let this slide
Where's my son? He is at my desk, enjoying a nice glass of bubbly because nothing happened.
water and some chocolate I was saving for a special occasion. This is officially out of your hands.
Hey, Peralta, when you're done, can you help me wrap up this Would you actually mind just checking out my report? It's pretty
massive cocaine bust I just pulled off? Thanks. thorough, and I spent over an hour Kinda snazzy, so Oh, thank
Oh, deputy commissioner, didn't see you there. you.
Sorry for interrupting. I'll get right to it.
Amy Santiago. Thanks.
[Sighs] Trevor, what'd you do this time? Nothing. Trevor, let's go.
There you have it. Have a good one.
He said he did nothing. Choo.
So I caught him red-handed doing nothing? I'm saying maybe it's a Yes.
possibility you made a mistake. What's up with the chair? Um, Carlene predicted if I get out of this
You know, normally, I would agree with you, but I've been pretty chair, I'd get badly hurt, so I'm not chancing it.
detail-oriented the last few hours. Oh, man.
You might not understand this, but Trevor is a special kid. There's no pudding cups left.
He makes straight "A"s. Ah! What'd you do that for? There.
He's going to Duke next year. Now you're hurt in this chair.
Lacrosse scholarship. You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle.
Oh. And if you do, it won't be because some shoe salesman predicted
Sometimes, boys just need to be boys. it.
You make your own destiny.
Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore.
The case is officially out of my hands.
No charges filed.
Why is there yogurt on this? The deputy commissioner threw my
report in Terry's trash can, and he'd been eating yogurt earlier.
Terry loves yogurt.
Something wrong? Kinda, yeah.
I called six precincts about this kid.
He's been brought in a dozen times.
Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly, but he's never been processed.
His daddy comes in and bails him out every time.
He's a lucky little jerk.
No, I wouldn't say he was lucky.
I feel bad for this kid.
I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets
him get away with everything? Well, he's someone else's problem
now.
Like you said, it's out of your hands.
All right, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna work.
I'm not going to arrest him.
I'm going to arrest him! - You want backup? - Yes.
[Siren wails] What is this? You can't do this.
Get that thing outta here.
Excuse me, sir.
Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of
property.
What dad! What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
First off, the name's Santiago, Detective Amy Santiago.
Second, I'm arresting your son, which, as I say it aloud, seems like
an unwise choice, but it's the one I'm making.
Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.
You're being stupid, Peralta.
Don't be stupid.
I can make your life miserable.
Commissioner, please don't talk to my Detective in that Tone.
If you have a complaint, you can take it up with me.
You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt.
I'm gonna be watching you, both of you, like a hawk.
You're gonna have to try a little harder if you wanna scare me.
I've been an openly gay cop since 1987, so you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.
You know how I'm still standing here? 'Cause I do my job, and I
do it right.
Damn, son! Don't say "son.
" Sorry.
Deputy commissioner, if you wanna pick Trevor up, he'll be at the 브루클린 나인나인 episode 3 - The Slump
nine-nine.
Let's go, fartman. For the last time, the best cop movies, Training day, lethal weapon,
Carlene was wrong, Gina. and Fargo.
Rosa said it herself I'm in charge of my own destiny. - End of discussion.
That means she wants me to make a move. - Wrong.
Mm, but Carlene was also right. Die hard is the best cop movie of all time.
You did get hurt 'cause Rosa punched you. One cop heroically saving the day while everyone else stands
And the fact that Rosa punched you means she does not like you. around and watches.
No, no, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong. It's the story of my life.
Move. I like Turner & Hooch.
Oh, wait, I take it back. Tom Hanks, reluctant friendship with a dog.
She definitely is into you. That hits me where I live.
So much chemistry. No.
I know, it's crazy. Robocop.
All right, let's get this meeting started. It's got everything I like Gratuitous violence.
I'm not late. Oh, I thought you were listing things.
I'm here. - I was.
[Alarm beeping] Right on time. I'm done.
You're out of uniform, Peralta. - Okay.
Baby steps, Captain. Let's talk bad boys.
Baby steps. That's the perfect cop movie.
Mr.
Smith, lookin' fine. Why are you smiling? That's nothin'.
A hot cup of tea Leone. There are thousands of cases, and for each one, I have to fill out
Come on. on 50 different screens.
Francois Truffaut's breathless. At least you get to sit on your butt all day.
What? Terry likes foreign films. That's actually the worst part.
Mm-kay. My doctor said I have an anal canyon.
There is a correct answer to this question, though. Ugh, God, Scully, why are you always telling us about your
So gather around for the greatest cop film of all time. disgusting body? I don't see anything.
Please refrain from texting during our presentation. That's because it's all wart.
Excuse me, ma'am. How are you married? Peralta, where are we on the Adams street
All right, so there's Hitchcock. burglary? We are very close, Captain.
And there's an old hooker. Aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads.
There it is! Come on, guys, that happened four years ago. So, in conclusion, not at all close.
Shh, this is the best part. And the Vickers street aggravated assault? Stalled out, and the
Takes the wallet and here she goes! Hey, love the sweater. Calloway robbery also remains unsolved Due to a lack of solving it
Who you slayin' tonight, lady killer? Well, we shall see what we by me.
shall see. Sounds like someone's in a little bit of a slump.
No, you're dressed exactly like the lady killer. I'm not in a slump.
Damn it! This is Jeffrey Dahmer's corduroys all over again. You're not? Scoreboard.
All right, let's get started. I don't slump, people.
Scully. I opposite slump.
Where are you on digitizing the old case files? As of yesterday, I'm I p-muls.
officially 1% done. That's "slump" backwards, and it's what I do.
I p-muls all over this bitch. This morning, we picked up an old lady matching her description
Dismissed. exactly.
- Slump. I showed her pictures of Judd, and she said, and I quote, "That's
- P-muls! Wait before you say anything, I want to guess what my grandson.
happened, based on your face. " What did I say about doing voices? I'm a storyteller, sir.
Someone died. It's my craft.
No! You won a prize! I'm not getting better at this. Anyways, grandson's coming in.
I'm concerned that the open cases mound of garbage on your desk They reunite, and I throw another case on the old "solved it" pile.
has become so much higher than the closed cases - mound of Hey, my croissant.
garbage. You wanted to see me, Captain? Yes, the D.
- All right, sir. A.
Let me hit you with a little analogy. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay street
Are you familiar with race cars? Formula 1 or stock? That's already drug bust.
way more than I know about it. That's why we do this, sir.
The point is, I'm a super-awesome race car who's hit a couple of For praise? Uh There's a community outreach program that's very
unlucky speed bumps. important to me.
You got speed bumps on a race track? Is that not part of car I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
racing? It should be. Absolutely, sir.
All I'm saying is, it's open road again. I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up.
I'm about to close a case. I will dive in, swim around it, and just be altogether good with it.
Missing grandma Helen Sterrino. Be more articulate when you speak to the children.
Last Sunday, her grandson Judd reported she went out for bagels Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
and never came back. Hey, sarge, I need someone to fill out a lineup.
Will you be scary Terry? Oh, I love being scary Terry. Here's the info.
He says what regular Terry's thinking. Now I gotta read something? Greetings.
This is takin' too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market! But I'm Fine.
too busy. I guess I can help you with those at-risk kids.
I've got a special case I'm working on. I don't need your help.
Uh, Hitchcock, Boyle needs you to fill out a lineup. It's nothing personal, it's just You're not a cop, so I'm not really
Oh, great. sure - you could help.
I'll take my shirt off. - Okay.
No one asked you to take your shirt off. No hard feelings.
Stop volunteering to take your shirt off. But I hate you.
I can't hear you! Shirt's over my ears. Not joking.
Hi, Rosa. Bye.
Ooh, I like your shoes. Ah, Mr.
They're a really pretty - What do you need? - Color. and Mrs.
Okay. Terrino.
You know how, every year, the precinct does that Junior police I'm glad you're here.
program seminar? That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser May I present to you Oh, my darlings.
kids to become student snitches? No, the thing where we try to get Thank God I found you.
at-risk kids - Losers. Oh, look at those beautiful cheeks.
- To sign up to become Junior police officers. I have no idea who this lady is.
Snitches. I've never seen her before in my life.
What about it? Captain specifically asked me to run it this year. What? No, she recognized you.
I signed you up to do it with me. This is Helen.
Who's Helen? Oh! That's my husband. going through that? Well, I haven't really been in a slump since my
Solomon! I'm I'm not really her husband. divorce.
You're so much shorter than you used to be. So I'd tell this person, "maybe get divorced.
What did the Japanese do to you? Different generation. " He'd have to get married first.
Okay, this is Ethel Musterberg from the prospect heights senior Okay, so the suggestion to beat is get married and then divorced.
center. Rosa? Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger,
There was an I. slump over.
D. Wow, that sounds amazing.
card in her back pocket. - Yeah.
Why was your hand in her back pocket? Well, she told me she - That's a good one.
didn't have any I. Sarge, what would you do? Okay, do you have a backup plan in
D. case my hypothetical person can only do What's going on in here?
, and, unlike Boyle, my first instinct was not to caress her butt. We're helping Jake's friend got out of his slump.
Frisked! I frisked her butt! It looks like this case remains unsolved, Or try working a case until it's solved, Peralta.
Peralta. I always find that closing cases is the best way to end the slump.
Oh, my God. Thank you, Captain! He's right.
I'm in a slump! Oh, cool. You just need a win.
You're all here in the break room. Pick your easiest, no-brainer case, and work it till it's done.
You asked us to come in here. Fine! Right after I do Rosa's Montreal sex thing.
What? Here's a hypothetical question. That sounds fun.
Let's say I knew someone that, for the first time in their career, Yeah.
was experiencing, like, a minor slump. Okay, this is the Junior police program.
What do you think you would suggest to that person if they were Aka "mission possible.
" Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get your life
back on track.
Narc! Hey, Gina.
What are you doing? Oh, hi, Amy.
Since I have nothing to offer, and since I'm not a cop, I thought I'd
just show up and learn.
Do you wanna help me out here? Nah, I think I'm good.
I know you think getting in trouble is cool.
But let me show you what can happen if you continue down this
path.
Hey, yo, I'm an at-risk kid, and I think it's cool to sell drugs.
Hold up why does the kid selling drugs sound like he's black? He's
not.
Well, why not? Are you saying that black people can't sell drugs?
No, I'm not saying that.
We have a black President.
Why can't black people sell drugs? I'm so confused.
Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black
people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black people
can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Don't make me hit you
again.
Um I'm building this dollhouse for my girl.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
I told my wife I'd get it done.
I had the same exact one when I was a kid! Mom, Charles is
hogging my doll house! Grandma bought it for the both of us! - You
want some help, big man? - No! I can do this.
It's just driving me a little crazy.
Where do I affix the princess tower, Boyle? - Where do I affix it? -
On the side of the turret Not now, Boyle.
Let a brother breathe.
Let a brother breathe.
Why would I swap cases with you? I got multiple calls that a guy
in the sackett towers is dealing meth out of his apartment.
It's a guaranteed arrest.
And therefore will have a ton of paperwork, which I know you hate.
I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence.
It's unsolvable, and thus Shall have no paperwork.
You had me at "no paperwork.
" That was the very end of the sentence.
All right, Boyle.
Let's hit it.
So where are you going, Peralta? I am on my way to ending the
slump.
I got a dunker, Captain.
Nothin' but net.
Hey, slump, you're about to get nailed by the Jake hammer.
So you haven't solved any of your old cases, and yet you've taken
on a new one.
I mean, shouldn't you at least solve this Helen Sterrino missing
grandmother case first? Or I could solve the super easy one, get
my mojo back, and move on to catching the zodiac killer.
Am I getting ahead of myself? No, you are not, Jake rabbit.
I like Jake hammer better.
Let's go.
Ah.
I did not think getting these kids to sign up would be this hard.
These kids don't wanna listen to you.
You're like Smart and articulate.
So are you! Why am I offended by that? They don't identify with
you because you're not from the streets.
I am.
Follow, watch, learn.
All right, listen up.
I know you think you're badasses.
But deep down, you're scared.
How do I know? Because I've been that same scared kid.
And if you don't get your crap together, I'm gonna end up busting
you and throwing you in jail.
Got it? Remix, yo! Throwing you in jail Throwing you in jail Got it?
Throwing you in jail What's happening? I think they're laughing at
you.
That's never happened before.
I don't like it.
got it? Freeze! NYPD, hands where I can see them.
Don't shoot! I was just practicing my minuets, but I'll hold it down.
All right, flute man, who else is in this apartment? Where's the
dealer? I live here alone with my birds.
What, you don't think I know this M.
O.
? These are mules.
They're drug mules.
They're bird mule drugs.
Drug bird mules.
Apartment's clear.
We got multiple calls about a dealer here.
I bet it's the silly kids down the hall.
They love prank calling me.
The only drugs in this apartment are for my heart, my liver, my
kidney, my salivary glands, and my penis and my feet.
Oh, bird pooped on your shoulder.
No, wait Pooped on your head, then dripped onto your shoulder.
I'm telling you, it's good luck. left.
No, it isn't, okay? That's just something people say when a bird Yeah, that sounds right.
poops on you to make you feel better because it's terrible. Hey.
Fore, comin' in! Oh, come on. You're dripping on my carpet.
I was at the crime scene. Oh, don't worry, sir.
This guy comes up out of nowhere, confesses. It's just urinal water.
Well, he says he's gotta make things right, so helps me track down Clean urinal water.
his accomplices. You could eat off his shirt.
That is so great, man. Why would I ever eat off his shirt? Look, sir, I don't know what's
Looks like everything's comin' up Hitchcock. going on, but I think I'm cursed.
Hey, Jake. Cursed, huh? The freakiest things have been happening to me.
You busy? Yes, I very clearly am busy. I mean, I can't solve a case to save my life.
The medical examiner's office just called. Birds are unloading on me left and right.
They mishandled some evidence. And, two seconds ago Hey, sarge, do we have any old t-shirts in
So the D. here? I Cursed.
A. Yeah, I've seen this kind of thing before.
's gonna have to dismiss your last two busts. It happened to a friend of mine back in the 1-8.
Great. Detective Smith.
And the slump gets worse. We called him smitty.
I don't think it's a slump. He thought he was cursed, and because cops are superstitious, the
Honestly, you are straight-up cursed. whole precinct thought he was cursed.
Good to know. But then he found a case, and he solved it, and now he's married
Can you hand me a paper towel, please, Gina? There's no more to Kate Upton.
No. Sorry! Hey, Gina.
No one would go out on calls with him. That's a super cute What do you want? Sweater.
He responded to a riot at a gym without backup, and got beaten up Okay.
by a girls' volleyball team. Rosa and I think it would be great if you talked to the kids.
It was actually quite violent. Mm, I thought only cops could help.
Man Girls are so scary. In this case, not being a cop might actually be better.
I don't want you out in the field again, Peralta. Mm, that's true.
I'm pulling you from casework. In all cases, cops are the worst.
You can digitize old files with Scully. "Enter the numbers from this report "into the corresponding boxes
You're benching me? No, no, no, look I've got a plan. on the screen.
Give all my open cases to Hitchcock, who's suddenly on a roll, and Then fill out these fields.
assign me Eventually, my luck will turn. " And I'm in a coma.
No, I don't think that's what's best for you or the squad. Hey, Hitchcock.
Not until this blows over. Help me out, man.
And how long will that be? Could be a week, could be a month. I'm so bored.
Could be a year. Let me jump back on that murder with you.
Could be a decade. No.
Sorry, we're just saying bigger and bigger numbers. I got it.
I don't know how to connect with these kids. Come on, man, let me just No, don't touch it! You're contagious.
They're mean and shallow and respect nothing. Everything could fall apart! Geraldo, leave Hitchcock alone! Come
I mean, what kind of person would they even listen to? Hitchcock, here.
stop bringing your food in little Tupperware containers. I got in touch with smitty.
It hurts my fingers when I'm trying to open it. He says that you should rub this rabbit's foot with your left
forefinger and your pinky, like this, for good luck. So what you're saying is that this is kind of a No, for the last time,
Okay? Now you try it. Charles, we don't need a clubhouse.
Okay. Clubhouse! Clubhouse.
Yep. You know what I'm thinking No clubhouse.
It's definitely helping. I need you to make these calls for me.
I can feel it. Don't let Holt see you.
The curse is lifting off of me. But if my hunch is right, the slump is over.
Ah, hand cramp! Rub, rub, rub. Come through for me, Boyle.
You okay? The fairy princess castle has defeated me. You know I will.
I'm a grown man with man hands and a man brain. All right.
I should be able to put together a dollhouse in less than four hours. I'm just saying, put a couple leather chairs in here.
Why does it have to be so hard? Look this screw has three pointy Go! Children, your problem is not that you're troubled or at-risk or
sides. bad dressers.
And nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels. Is that a trucker hat? Still? Come on.
What kind of castle has wheels? All right Yes. Your problem Is that you don't have passion for anything.
Wait a minute. My life turned around when I found my passion.
Hey, just heading to the can. And today, well, I hope to inspire you with it.
Take the rabbit's foot. Mm-mm-hmm-hmm 'Cause you are beautiful No matter what they
Roger that. say Words can't bring you down No, no, no 'Cause you are
Hey. beautiful In every single way What are we thinking? Yes, in the
What's going on? Hey. denim.
Well, I'm not allowed to leave my desk, so we have to meet in I think I speak for everyone when I say your weird dancing was
here. just weird.
Fine. I had Detective Boyle make some calls, and it turns out you've
Cops make $52,000 a year. done this before.
You never have to stop at a red light. Five missing persons reports in five different states.
And you get to carry a gun. Recognize this? What are you accusing us of? Probably insurance
Who wants in? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. fraud.
Yes. Definitely filing a false report and obstruction of justice.
Oh, my God. Now, you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom.
You got eight kids to sign up. It's because you're full of crap.
How did you know that would work? That's what made me sign up Blammo! Jake hammer strikes again.
when I was a kid. Jake hammer strikes again.
You did this program? Mm-hmm. Detectives.
Yeah. I see we got eight recruits for the Junior police program.
It does not work. Outstanding.
They're here. Thank you, sir.
Fantastic. But, as important as your praise is to me, it should actually go to
Too dramatic? No. Gina.
Hi. She's the one that got through to the kids.
Why are we in the bathroom? I thought you might ask that, and I Yes, I am amazing.
will answer in due time. And I only ask for one thing in repayment.
But first, I know what happened to your grandma. A 600% raise.
Nothing. Or I can give you a zero percent raise and make you my personal
What are you talking about? The reason I couldn't find her is assistant, which is what I'm doing.
because she never existed. I think you have hidden talents, which will make you surprisingly
good the job. You know why Boyle doesn't slump? Because his whole life is a
No, I have no talents. slump? Because he doesn't let adversity get him down.
You start Monday. He keeps grinding.
Ugh. If I'd given you those new cases, the second you hit a snag, you
Constantly getting Holt's approval is the worst. would have spiraled again.
Yes. You need to stay out of your own head.
I can only imagine. Okay.
Well, the curse is over. But, sir, I don't get it.
The slump is done. If that was your plan, why bother with smitty and the rabbit's foot?
Jake is back. Well, there's a very good reason for that.
Permission to take a selfie of the two of us, sir? Permission denied. I was, uh, I believe the term is, uh Messing with you.
Too late. Oh I see what's going on here.
Ah, that was a good one. We're becoming homies.
So, the rabbit's foot worked, huh? Ah, maybe. Office Christmas card candidate, right here! Me and Holt are
All I know is my mind was so numb from doing all that boring data homies! Hey, sarge.
entry that my brain kind of rebooted, and I had an inspiration about I assembled the castle for you.
one of my old cases. Here it is.
And I now see that that was your plan all along. Oh, my God.
And that you're capable of smiling. What happened to all the princess flourishes? Well, they were
All talented detectives have their ups and downs, Peralta. destroyed, so I turned it into a princess police station.
So you think I'm talented. You know, some jobs take brains, some jobs take muscles,
You said it.
No takebacks. 브루클린 나인나인 episode 4 - M.E. Time
 What are you doing here? I'm here on a date.
I'm so glad we could finally do this. Who is now leaving.
I know, Kylie says you're always stuck at the precinct. Worth it.
- Yeah. Have a great night.
- [Phone rings] Speaking of, this is work. - Your boss seems really nice.
Sorry. - He's not my boss.
What's up, Peralta? Captain called. Yes, I am! And with a record five felonies solved in one week,
He needs everybody back. Peralta pulls ahead.
There's a lead on the nightingale strangler. Did you guys hear that I solved five felonies in a week? We heard.
We're looking for a white male, brown hair, small scar on his right Really? How? Five felonies in one week! Light 'em up, Boyle.
cheek. [Cheers and applause] That's the sweet taste of triumph.
Okay. - You should shower more.
His M. - Yep.
O. Updates on open cases.
is he finds lonely women with no friends, poisons their food, and I just got a DOA on Bessimer street.
then guts 'em in his van. You're the primary, you're in charge.
It's pretty gnarly. Take Diaz and Peralta.
Last seen wearing a salmon shirt, grey blazer, and witnesses have Yes.
said he has trouble fitting lettuce in his mouth. My fantasy threesome.
Okay. Of cops on a case.
Where are you? Apparently has the world's smallest penis and Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due.
doesn't know how to use it Hi, there, I'm Jake Peralta, Amy's boss. I want all paperwork on your closed cases by tomorrow.
That's not true. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
You got it. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank Account.
I already got my paperwork in, Captain. You should ask him about his bank account.
Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you. Captain, Santiago broke the glass.
Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me. You can't give up control, you're terrible at taking your primary's
No, he doesn't. orders, you just do whatever you want.
We have a good relationship. I could go on and on and on.
We're on the same page. Is something no lover of yours has ever said.
Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago? No, sir, I wasn't Blammo.
Peralta was the one that was talking. Look, I can be an amazing secondary and I'll prove it.
God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever. I know you will, Jake-in-the-box.
Joke's on you. Okay, don't ever call me that again.
I skipped fourth grade. I'm driving.
Santiago, anything else? No. We should leave now.
No? Uh-uh. Carry my bag.
(Holt) Dismissed. But you should pick the music, primary.
Hey, Boyle. Consider yourself part of the furniture There isn't a lot to spare
I know you haven't had Peralta as a secondary in a while. Who cares Whatever we've got we share It's a great picture, sir.
Be careful. I hate it.
It can be rough. Me too.
Hey, saboteur, that's not true. So I have an eyewitness in the purse-snatcher case.
I happen to be a very good secondary. Only problem is, the sketch artist is out sick.
So you were just borrowing those cars? (Peralta) Ask about his How do you want me to proceed? Figure it out, Santiago.
bank account. It's your case.
Yes. Frank Patterson.
I will do that. no children.
Thank you. Wife found him this morning and called it in.
Are you bowing? No. Any signs of forced entry or a struggle? No.
This is how I walk. You sure about that? Looks like maybe his belt had a pretty epic
What do you need, Quasimodo? I gotta go meet with Boyle and struggle with his stomach.
Peralta. [Laughs] What are you thinking, Boyle? All ri I'm calling natural
Is there something wrong with the Captain? It seems like he's in a causes.
bad mood. We got heart medicine over here, home defibrillator.
I don't know. And a frequent customer gift basket from the cardiac wing of
Who can tell? You all right, Captain? Tough weekend? I went to Brooklyn Methodist.
Barbados with my husband. This case is open and shut.
We wove hats out of Palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. Just like his mouth was, constantly.
I've never been happier. That was my last fat joke.
Guy's impossible to read. Okay? Diaz, check and see if there's any more meds in the
Don't even try. bathroom.
(Holt) That is, without question, the funniest story I've ever heard. Boyle, see what you can find in the bedroom.
Wow. I'll take the kitchen.
This guy must have weighed 500 pounds. Yep, that's exactly what I was gonna say.
I think we have an idea what killed him. It's it's so weird.
Spoiler alert: It was not starvation. He's so good at knowing what I'm gonna tell him to do, he just
Both: What do we got? Sorry, sorry. does it.
You're the primary, you're in charge. It's weird.
Hey, sergeant. three fat jokes and completely bulldoze Charles.
You know how you're really good at doodling? I know you think Is that your idea of being a good secondary? First off, I've told
you're complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. four.
You a big fan of Picasso's doodles? Sorry. And second, I'm helping.
Can you please draw a perp for me? The sketch artist is out sick I mean, I started cataloguing the contents of the fridge, but it turns
and the Captain wants this done right away. out there's not enough paper on earth.
He's in a bad mood. Five fat jokes.
Is he? I can never read him. - Thanks, Arnie.
You look chipper, Captain. - [Laughs] See, Arnie thinks I'm doing great.
You have a fun weekend? There was a small fire in my home. Arnie, shut up.
I lost many photo albums of treasured memories. Jake, for once, just hang back and let Boyle do his job.
I'm devastated. [Groans] Fine.
I'm telling you, he and I have a connection and there is something Unless I get a direct order from Boyle I will stand here motionless
bothering him. like a wise, old oak tree.
Can you help me out? Great. You look like an idiot.
Ma'am, can you please describe the perp to sergeant Jeffords? I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs.
Yeah, he had, um, dark, curly hair, and a neck tattoo Wait, wait, Patterson.
wait. Can you talk about what happened after breakfast? I took the dog
Slow down. for a walk.
Let's start with the eyes. When I came back, he was dead.
Were they desperate? Lonely? Did they betray heartache? They I'm just in shock.
were brown. We were going on a cruise together next week.
Do you even want your purse back? So far you've managed to tell He had pre-purchased the unlimited soda package.
I'm sure the soft drink industry mourns his passing. - Oh.
Motion reactivated. - To you.
Hey. And to the ginormous, dead fat man - who brought us together.
Detective Jake Peralta. - [Laughs] (Boyle) Hey, Jake.
Dr. Have you heard anything from the M.
Rossi. E.
I'm the new medical examiner. ? She hasn't sent the autopsy report.
Don't let me get in your way. Oh, that's strange.
I'm sure you have a lot to do. Maybe probably a bunch more people died and she got super
Actually, I've been given a direct order to do nothing, so. busy? That's definitely what happened.
What brings you here Okay. Okay, just let me know when she calls.
All right. You got it.
Sorry. [Clears throat] Hey, can I ask you guys something? Can you keep
Sorry. a secret? Do you know anything about my life? No, I do not.
- You all right? - What's up? How's the Patterson case looking? It Good point.
looks like natural causes, but I'll know for sure once I get the Okay, so you know the new medical examiner? I kinda had sex
autopsy results tomorrow. with her last night.
Jake volunteered to follow up with the M. What? Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.
E. Sex is something that two adults do with their bodies when they're
My man is all over it. attracted to each other.
I'm really glad you could sneak away from your case. He's right, Santiago.
Well, it's technically not really my case, but on the plus side, I have Do you not know that? I meant, what were you thinking? She was
all the time in the world. supposed to be doing an autopsy for your primary, Charles.
The guy died of natural causes. For some reason I kinda started getting into it.
What's the big deal? Anyways, back to last night. Oh, what do we have here? A 34-year-old caucasian male who is
As you would imagine, I'm normally up for pretty much anything in dead.
the bedroom, but I can't tell if what happened was weird or sexy. Very dead.
Wait. Mmm.
Close your eyes. Cause of death? Initial assessment: Blunt force trauma.
Oh, okay. But what do I find when I probe a little farther? Bruising around the
- [Yelps] - Shh. neck.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. And ocean water in the lungs.
What are you doing? I like 'em cold. Ooh, how long have you been dead, body? Four days.
Okay Not that weird. Gross.
Cold? Like a dead guy? You're reading into that. Bloating.
Am I? You have a really nice chest. Odors.
Thank you. Oh, uh, 24 hours.
I'd love to crack it open and get my hands all over your organs. Perfect.
Okay I wonder how much your appendix weighs. Here we go.
[Gasps] Oh. Stop, stop, stop! Weird, weird, weird! Rosa, what's your call? Weird
It's inflamed. or sexy? Weird.
All right. I knew it.
Wait, that's bad, right? - Yeah, it is. - But also kinda sexy? - No.
- Oh, no. Weird.
Ew! Please tell me you ran out of there. But more importantly, that's what you were doing while Charles was
No. grinding through paperwork? Told ya.
Worst secondary in the unit. see retirement! It's like, "what's that guy thinking?" You know? I can
What do you guys want from me? You know, I take over a crime read him.
scene, I'm a bad secondary. And if anyone can figure out what's bothering him, it's me.
I blow off work to have sex with a hot coroner, I'm a bad He and I are exactly the same.
secondary. Except that I'm younger, Cuban, female, single, and straight.
I can't win. Captain Holt's not gay.
What are you guys talking about? Um, just weird sex stuff that has Captain Holt's gay? Seriously, man, just retire.
nothing to do with work. Boyle, where's my paperwork on that DOA? Still waiting on the
I once had sex on a futon. autopsy report.
And it was in couch mode. Supposed to come in first thing this morning, - but so far, nothing.
Hmm. - This is unacceptable.
Sarge, all of these are fine. I'll call the M.
How much longer are you gonna work on this? It's questions like E.
that that made Van Gogh cut off his ear. and find out what happened.
You can't put a clock on art. Eh, bup-bup-bup-bup-bah.
Ten minutes. That's not necessary, sir.
Great. For the record, I think it's natural causes anyway, but I'm also the
Let's catch this guy so we can give Holt some good news. secondary in this case.
I wanna cheer him up. It's my responsibility, so I will head on down there and pick up the
Well, how do you even know he's in a bad mood? I mean, it's report.
impossible to read that guy. Good.
This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in But don't ever bup-bup-bup-bup me again.
my life! Get your act together or, so help me God, you won't live to Right, I don't know Bup-bup-bup-bup Bup-bup-bup.
Just go. (Dr.
Yep, I am going to regret teaching him that one. Rossi) Huh.
Rosa, can I show you something? What's up? Patterson's wife told So it is.
me that they were going on a cruise together next month, but her Well, how can I help you? Uh, we came by to get that autopsy
credit card bill shows only one ticket booked. report.
Either she's lying or she knew he was gonna die. - Hmm.
Huh, nice find, Boyle. - Is Detective Peralta here? I haven't seen him.
This could be a murder. Thanks for coming by.
Where's that autopsy? Jake went down to the M. (Peralta) [Coughing] Hold on.
E. Found him.
an hour and a half ago. Ah, thank goodness you're here.
He still hasn't got back to me. I am so lost.
Jake went to get the autopsy report? I know. Do you know where the vending machines are? Look, it's not what
Isn't he the best? I mean, he's really coming into his own as a it seems like.
secondary. Yes, it is.
I wanna get him something nice. Yes, it is.
Does he come across more as a Pinot guy or more of a Shiraz? Here's what happened.
You know what? We better go down there. I came down here to get the autopsy report and in conclusion, here
See what's holding him up. we are.
Good call. Now if you'll excuse me Cut the crap, Peralta.
Detectives. Look, I'm sorry I slowed down the autopsy results, but everyone
[Clears throat] Hello. knows it's natural causes.
Shirt's buttoned wrong. Not anymore.
We think it could be a murder. Oh.
Wait, like a murder murder, or, like, his mouth murdered him by Wow.
making him eat so much food that his heart exploded? Murder Okay, I can do that.
murder. It's no big deal.
We need the autopsy to be sure. Just like holding open some slimy elevator doors.
I have not gotten to that yet. For a family of aliens Oh, my God.
You guys have been down here for two hours. Yep, there are some signs of stress on the heart, but that's not
What, did you have sex 40 times? No, Charles, like Look, I'm sorry. surprising.
We didn't know it was a homicide. Oh, will you look at that stomach lining? God, that is just a beaut.
Well, it shouldn't matter. Ugh.
I'm your primary and I asked you to do something. All right.
So if it's okay, I'd like to be upset with you. I'm gonna need you to go ahead and take your hand [Groans] -
It's more than okay. Yep, get it down there.
It's okay times two. - [Groans] Get it down there.
Now, Dr. Get it on in.
Rossi, will you please perform the autopsy for us right now? - [Groans] - There you go.
Actually, with a body this size, I'd need my assistant, and I gave Oh, that is so big.
him the rest of the afternoon off when Jake showed up. - Caught him? - Yes, sir.
Guilty. He was easy to pick up.
Okay, fine. He looked just like the sergeant's sketch.
I will act as your assistant because I am a wonderful secondary. You could be a professional artist, boss.
How gross could it be? Just gonna need you to hold open this Like on the boardwalk.
chest cavity for me. You think I should draw caricatures? That's garbage art! I don't
draw giant-head people on surfboards! I'm saying you could. Okay.
You're that good. Here we go.
Captain, the credit really goes to sergeant Jeffords. Oh.
Without his refined artistic skills Finish the paperwork by noon. Wanna see something cool? No.
I want it included in the crime stats. Here it is.
I gotta say, I always hate how I look in pictures, but that is so That's what I'm talking about.
flattering. [Gasps] Listen.
Also, I'm innocent. Goosh.
You got the wrong guy. Mm-hmm.
Shut up. You know what that was? That was the air releasing from the large
Sarge, I need you to do one more drawing for me. intestine.
What? It'll cheer the Captain up. [Sighs] In the biz, we call that "the death bubble.
He'll be over the moon. " It's pretty cool.
He may even lean back in his chair a little and nod slightly. - Here, you wanna hold it? - No! Knock knock.
This is a lot of pressure. You can knock with your hands.
If I'm gonna do this, it has to be done right. Saying it is ridiculous.
Scully, get me my oils. Okay.
Paint or massage? I'll get both. Well, I know you're having a bad day I think you're having a bad
You know, this is one of the most unhealthy people I've ever seen. day.
It's like cutting into a big, overstuffed ravioli. So, to cheer you up I had Terry do this painting to replace the
Sure you want me to keep digging? Unfortunately, yes. photo you hated.
If the primary on this case says it's a murder, we have to treat it I threw away the photo because I think it's ostentatious to hang
like a murder. pictures of yourself.
Especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall. Yeah, you could.
- Oh. Or you could stay for a post-mortem.
- But you would have me hang a baroque oil painting of myself like Nope.
I'm a north Korean dictator. Sorry.
What? No ornate gold frame? Why am I not astride my noble The spell has worn off.
steed, clad in armor? We could add a horse. No more weird dead guy sex for me ever again.
You just wasted your time, Terry's time, and now my time on this It's nothing personal, I just think sex is for the living.
when you should have been filing a report on the purse-snatcher. Isn't that right, buddy? Oh, my God, he has no eyes! Oh, that is
Oh, I did. terrifying.
It's already in the system. What now, Santiago? I figured out why you've been so tense.
- Oh. You're worried about the monthly crime statistics.
- Mm-hmm. That's not your concern.
Good. I just checked the stats myself.
Thank you. Our arrest numbers haven't improved since you got here.
Dismissed. They're exactly the same as last month.
Here are the contents of his stomach. If this is your strategy to cheer me up, it's backfiring.
Oh, that's where they went. Sir, I don't think you realize how good flat numbers are.
And here's the really cool part. I went back 12 years.
Get in here, look at the scarring on this liver. A precinct's numbers almost always get worse under new
Cause of death: Poison. leadership, but ours didn't.
Ingested. That's a win.
Boyle was right. It's just your first month.
All right, I'm gonna go tell him. Morale is much higher, people are working harder, you're well on
your way to earning a place on that wall. I'm a fraud.
Thank you, Santiago. Not at all.
You know, we're birds of a feather, you and I. I'd like to take this home for my husband.
I hate cliches. He'll be glad you made me look so happy.
Cliches are the worst. I was trying to make him look serious.
Okay. I still can't read him.
We know you killed your husband. - No one can.
That cruise you planned was for one, plus the autopsy showed - I can.
clear signs of poison. He likes it.
And for the record, the inside of his body - was very gross. - (Diaz) - Nice job, Boyle.
- Noted. - You nailed it.
My only question is, why'd you do it? Um, he drove me to it. - Here.
He had affair after affair. Of course he did.
He was a real don Juan. He's a great primary.
Permission to make a fat joke? Granted. And I'm sorry I was such a bad number two.
Are you sure you didn't mean "don flan"? Thanks. I may, for the first time, have been a bit of a jerk, and I'm sorry.
Nice. What a wonderful moment.
Mrs. I agree, it is a wonderful moment.
Patterson, you are under arrest for the murder of your husband. What a wonderful moment.
Sarge, that painting is tight. Rosa, do you agree? It's all right.
It's terrible. It's all right.
The brushwork is sloppy. - Wonderful moment - Moment Both: Between two guys [phone
There's poor use of negative space. vibrates] Oh.
D.
A.
wants to set bail for Patterson's wife.
They need me to send them all the files.
I'm the secondary.
I'll go back there and do the busy work.
You guys stay here and keep celebrating.
You sure you're not just sneaking off for more weird dead guy sex?
[Laughs] We will never speak of that again.
Never.
Okay, bye.
God.
Crazy day, huh? I hate small talk.
Let's drink in silence.
Perfect.
브루클린 나인나인 episode 5 - The Vulture
Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today The drug dealer? I
think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.
I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing.
I was terrified he'd die in my backseat Or flash me.
My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was
20.
What about two Does that count as a 100-year-old? - No good.
- No.
You talking oldest bags? That's not that old.
Yeah, but I was only 20.
a cop then? No, man, it was before I got into the academy.
Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
Ew! No yes, I am.
Yeah, oldest arrest God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you
were in your 20s? You know how it is.
When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you No, that is
not an older woman.
That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma! She was, actually.
That's how I met her.
Went to college with her grandson Marvin.
Don't don't knock it till you try it.
She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.
It was like having sex with a transformer.
No.
That is no one's fantasy.
Peralta Where are we on the Lincoln place murder? Well, like I told
Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line.
It's a football reference.
Yes, Jake. I'm gonna ask you again.
I played linebacker at Syracuse. Do you need any resources or personnel? No, sir, I've got it.
Really? In High School, I played center field in the musical damn Okay.
Yankees. Dismissed! Sergeant Jeffords, my office.
Yeah, you don't want to brag about that. Uh-oh.
Peralta, you want to loop everyone in? - Ehh - That was not a He probably wants to talk to you about how your shirts aren't tight
request. enough probably.
Fine. Okay, how can we help? What do you need? I need nothing.
Get ready for some stuff on a screen. I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights
Meet Fred Gorman Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse. to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the
Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert. ensuing film.
She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life. - Come on, Peralta, - Holt said to use the whole team.
- Nice. We all want this solved.
- Thank you, Charles. I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone Except when it comes
Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity. to sex.
I just need to find the murder weapon. Actually, sometimes including sex.
For some reason, the D. Will you just let us help? Okay, fine.
A. I will let one of you help me Charles.
won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used. Yeah! And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to
Is that reason that they want to win the case? Yes. steal my thunder.
Well, find it. I would never steal his thunder.
The family's close to the mayor, and I'm catching heat from the I-I'd be afraid to borrow it.
higher-ups. Terry, I'd like you to accompany me to a gun range.
You mean drive you there and wait outside Far away from the I know we've gone over this before, but I have to ask you again.
guns. Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway where a knife
I spent eight years in the public affairs office, so my tactical skills could be hidden? Well, since I've already told you, like, three times,
are a little rusty. no, why don't I just record it? Then I don't have to say it again.
I need some pointers. The hallway, like all other hallways, does not have a secret
Sir, I haven't fired a weapon since the incident. knife-hiding place.
The mannequin incident I'm familiar. All right, you want to hear it again? Idea for a novel A
Actually, there was an incident after that. mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive
Another incident? You got to cool it, man. spider and becomes the world's greatest lover.
I'm gonna get some candy. No, don't stop it.
Sir, I may not be the man for the job. I want to hear what happens.
You used to be the precinct's champion marksman. This is terrific.
I only want to take pointers from the best. He saves the first lady, if you must know.
So I'll keep it low-key. Sounds compelling.
We'll go after work to a private range. Oh, boy.
No cops, no pressure. Well, hello.
Blam! Blam, blam! Gun range. I heard you guys were making the rounds again.
I told Gina she could join us. All right.
I want to get certified. - This one's all you, tiger.
There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood, and the cops - Come on! Police! Hey, ma'am.
in my precinct are very bad. Thank God! Here, hold this.
You live in our precinct. The lasagna's burning.
Yeah, I know. Okay.
Get the dog, but don't let it touch the baby! Oh. Watch out for that door.
Okay. Yo, how much you bench, seriously? Captain, please, please, pretty
Peralta. please do not let him take over my case.
Yo, I looked at the photos of your victim on your desk. Major crimes is stepping in.
Is that Rosa? Tell her I said hi. Nothing I can do.
The puncture wounds are similar to a case I had a while back. You're off the case.
They aren't from a knife. I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving my murder away to
I think it's something spiral, like a corkscrew. the vulture.
Shh, shh, shh, shh. We call him the vulture because he swoops in and solves cases
Don't shush me. that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.
I'm helping you. Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.
No, no, I'm holding a baby. First of all, major crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases
That was actually very helpful, thank you. they want to take.
Uh-oh. But more importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone.
You better get back here. I told you for weeks to use the squad, and you refused.
Now. I used them.
Oh! Hello, Peralta. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew.
No, no, no! I don't know why you're so upset, man. And Charles caught a dog.
I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole. Oh, congratulations, Detective Boyle.
What's up, little man? What's up? Feeling sexy? Huh? Yeah, I feel You should've involved him sooner.
sexy. Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.
Yeah, you look sexy, man. Sir, call him the vulture.
You know I do. Giving him a name makes him human.
Turn over the files. Good effort.
Fine. I got it from here.
But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly. And, hey, you feel free to call me anytime you need me to come
Thank you. down here and help powder that big white ass of yours.
God! This is so boring! For both of us. Well, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing I hate the vulture so much! Me too.
all the super-easy work, you know, the real Nancy drew-level stuff. But he's kind of hot.
Oh, yeah? Did Nancy drew solve a lot of murders? Yeah, she did What? You can hate people and still think they're hot.
Murder on ice, recipe for murder. Case in point, Manuel Noriega.
Nancy was a wonderful Detective. You know what? I'm with you on this.
I wanted to be her when I grew up. Tonya Harding.
Thanks, Charles. - Yeah, she's thick.
That's helpful. - Right? - Always classy, Jake.
Hey! Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case? - Nope. - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case? Sorry you got vultured.
What was it, six hours? That's because it was 98% solved. Happens to the best of us.
The last 2% is the hardest to get. On my count.
That's why they leave it in the milk. One, two Three! I got it from here! Yeah! Get up! Get up! Turn
What? Oh! Wow! Looking good, Santiago. around! You have the right to remain silent.
You foxy ma. Anything you say Can and will be used against you in a court of
Go rot in hell. law.
This is your fault. Thanks, guys, I got it from here.
Thanks, champ. Let's go.
Beat it! Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles. Now, what stance am I supposed to be doing Weaver or isosceles?
I got it from here. You guys did stances? Like, I'll be like Yeah, everybody does
I used a gift card for that! God, I just I want to get back at him so stances, Gina.
bad! I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his Listen, uh Hey, all right, all right! Look, hey, both you, just watch.
tires I don't know. That's eight! He did it! That was only seven.
Or slash his gorgeous throat. Why are you counting my shots? Are you trying to have me
I cannot figure you out. recertified? Yes.
Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of If you make eight of ten shots, I can sign off on you carrying a
a revenge plan. gun again.
Best idea gets 50 bucks. Gina's here as an official witness, and I thought it'd be easier for
Throw 'em on out. you in a no-pressure environment.
What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is I can't believe you tricked me! You're too good a cop to be
dead? Like, they died of cancer. shackled to a desk.
Charles, that is so dark. You only have one hit until you get recertified.
I'm putting it down. So deep breath, huh? Take the final shot.
So my stance feels good, - but I'm still not hitting center. Don't overthink it.
- All right. Just relax and breathe.
Back your left foot up a hair. Bring air into your lungs Like you've done your whole life.
Like this? Mm, mm, mm! No! Gina! We've been over this. Oh, my God.
Well, show me! Like, wrap your thick, muscular arms around me Guys! How do you breathe? I forgot how to breathe! Is it two in,
and All right, look, hands here, stand up straight, chin forward. one out? What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it
Hold on, my nose itches. with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.
Gina! When I lock my shooting arm, the other hand feels unstable. All right.
Here's what we're up to. Oh, no.
Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with Scully traveling four blocks? That could take weeks.
regular tissues. Hoo! Take the shot, sergeant.
Thank you, Charles. I just need a second.
You're welcome. You've had 18 minutes of seconds.
Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Gina's authentic stolen police badges.
He would have to own a cedar closet. How can I help? - Hey, it's Peralta.
He seems like he would. - Oh, hey, Jake.
Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse? Of course.
Thank you, Charles. I'm not an animal.
Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Great.
Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle I need you to bring it to the vulture's apartment.
idea is the winner. There's someone named "the vulture"? Tell Rosa.
Yeah! Winning by default. She'd be into that.
Let's get into it. Come on! Peralta, why are you asking Gina about Detective
Anybody know where the vulture lives? On third, right near here. Pembroke? Oh, Captain, hello.
How do you know that? Chug 'em, boys. Uh, we are preparing him a gift basket of sorts.
We're rolling! Yes! Take that, vulture! - Yeah. Look, I understand that you're upset.
- Nice. But if you want to keep this from happening again, I suggest that
All right, give me your hair dryer. you pull your team together and solve these cases before major
What? What are you talking about? Don't you carry one in your crimes can step in.
purse? Have you ever met a human woman? There's a drugstore Am I clear? Yes, sir.
four blocks away I'm on it. That is definitely clear.
Thank you, sir. - Right? - Yes, I got it.
You should be frowning. - Sex times.
Why is Jake smi Why are you smiling? Because the Captain just - Mm-hmm.
gave us the perfect revenge plan. - Anyways, we know it's the wife.
We team up and solve this case right now! That is not what he You're real talkative now that you want our help.
meant. All right, it is possible that I should've brought you guys in sooner.
Think about it, Amy. But I just get so excited, wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff, you
We go back to the scene of the crime, find the murder weapon, know? I get it.
and out-vulture the vulture! No one gets in trouble if we crack the You want to be the best.
case. We all do.
Okay, screw it. You just don't have to be such a butthead about it.
I'm in. What? I just can't believe you would call me a butthead.
Yes! That's right! All right. - Shut up.
We're angry. - That's so harsh.
We're getting revenge. Hitchcock farts nonstop.
We're a little bit tipsy. Still waiting, sergeant.
We should not be driving. It's just the target looks exactly like a friend of mine.
We're taking the bus. It's just freaking me out.
I love the bus! So the waitress heard the couple arguing at dinner. You have a friend - Who's just a silhouette? - Yes.
Apparently he was having an affair, and it was not the first time. Let's all just count to a million.
Two years ago, she caught him with a dog Walker who was One, two, three, four, five, six So then iceman says, "you can be
walking his dog, if you know what I mean. my wingman any day.
- I do. " And then Maverick says I've seen the film, sergeant.
I haven't. Gets the corkscrew.
What happens next? Goose comes back, right? He's not really Stab, stab, stab.
dead. What did she do with the corkscrew? She dumps it in the hallway
Goose is gone. trash chute on the way to the doorman.
- No! - I know! All right, here's how it went down. No, we checked the trash, like, ten times.
wife goes down to the doorman, says a guy murdered her husband We would've seen a bloody corkscrew.
and then ran off. All right, Hitchcock, you're up.
We know she's lying. The body.
We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case airtight. The corkscrew's still in the body.
I say we role-play, see if something sparks. No, you're terrible at this.
Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Go sit down.
Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed. You're up, Diaz.
Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer. Stab! Then I Toss the corkscrew out the window, and it lands on a
No, you're the husband. passing car.
The husband had the affair. Security cam showed no one driving by at that time and nothing on
I'm always the victim. the street.
I don't want to be the victim. Okay, I want in.
Okay, Charles is the door. But I only want to stab you.
No. Fine.
I'll be the victim. Charles, door.
Don't make me a door again. Right.
Great. Okay, uh, sweetheart.
Okay, so Wife goes into the drawer. Time to die.
That seems a little harsh. They were publicly drunk.
What if it was a magnetic corkscrew? If the corkscrew was on a Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator.
magnet It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute. Only, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big
I figured it out first! Wow! What's happening? You have a ten-pound white ass of his.
flashlight in your purse, but not a hair dryer? I can't see far enough What now? Holt is gonna kill you.
down. I don't think he will Because Voila! You actually found the
Someone's gonna have to go down in there. corkscrew in the trash chute? Stuck to the side, just like you said.
Someone with narrow shoulders. Boyle, we're pulling you out! This is the proudest moment of my
No! I have broad shoulders. career.
I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders. Ah! Oh, my God, you guys, we out-vultured the vulture! What the
God! See anything? A little lower. hell was that? What? It's a vulture.
Freeze! Hands in the air! Ahh! We're cops. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take this corkscrew over to the
Broad shoulders! Stuck! Told you Broad shoulders. D.
Apparently, our Detective squad has gotten drunk, compromised the A.
crime scene, and an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute. So we get the collar, not major crimes.
I need you to lead this squad, Terry. Peralta! Now.
And I mean really lead it. Okay.
I hope you take the shot. - Before you get mad - Shut it! Holt was right.
What kind of precinct are you running here? Would you like to sit I've been so worried about my own kids, I forgot about my stupid
down, Detective? You seem upset. grown-up kids.
Hell yeah, I'm upset. That's insulting.
Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero Zero I should've been on you guys more.
jurisdiction. And starting now, I will be.
But if you ever do this again, I swear I will crush your head in one Congratulations.
hand. Cracked the case all by yourself.
- You don't mean that. We done here? Yeah.
- Try me. Yeah, we're done here.
Okay. Hey, keep up the bad work, champ.
Where you going? The boss is taking heat for something that's not Here it comes.
even his fault. Why does he keep touching my butt? - Stay foxy.
I can't let that happen. - Die lonely.
Wait. Well, case closed.
Damn it. Good work, everyone.
Look, it's not your fault either. Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion.
And it's not the vulture's fault. No! All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of
It's Amy's. alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct
I know. orders.
I know. Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.
It's mine. Okay, fine.
It's mine, okay? God, I do not love how this worked out. Here's everyone who was there.
Detective Pembroke. Jake Peralta, J.
Now what? I'd like to cordially invite you to calm down, especially Peralta, Dr.
considering that this case has already been solved By you! Looks Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD in slow-jam studies from funktown
like you found the murder weapon. state university, also involved was the right honorable J okay,
It's a good thing you realized it was magnetically stuck to the inside enough.
of the trash chute. My point is it was a Peralta special, sir.
No one else was there. - Oh! Ooh! Check it out! - Perfect, right? - Yeah! "Dear vulture,
Well, Detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of "enjoy my big white ass.
a team. Jake.
Everybody go home. " Here you are.
Sleep it off. Always take the high road, Charles.
Sir? Thank you. Always take the high road.
Ultimately, it was our raw sexual chemistry that helped him
overcome his crippling fear. 브루클린 나인나인 episode 6 - Halloween
You should just stay in the office all day every day and be my
bestie. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You could join my dance troupe, floorgasm. - Whoa! Settle.
We're looking for a man of precisely your It's gonna be a long Sorry, sarge.
road, but I'm ready to get myself back in the game. Ugh, Halloween is the worst.
I know you will. Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask, and carrying a fake gun.
I mean, eventually Not tonight. Plus all the girls think they have to dress sexy.
I need to go hug my baby girls. I know, that is the worst.
Excuse me. Please make them stop.
Jake, I have to say, the way you handled things with the vulture I passed a slutty tree on the way here.
yesterday was very mature. Who wants to have sex with a tree? Was it a maple? Was it a
Well, sometimes in life, you just have to take the high road. maple? Buon giorno, buon giorno.
Oop! Time's up! - Can't wait to see it. - Pretty cool 'stume, huh? - 'Stume? Short for costume.
- Ah, here we go. Ah.
- That's good suction. All right, let me guess.
You are dumpy Chuck Norris. Stop it! Stop making out! Hey no! What would bill say? We need
No, I'm Dumpy Ron Weasley. two undercovers at the Dekalb street warehouse party.
No. Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh, Joy Behar? I'm Mario
You guys, stop it. Batali.
He put thought into his costume, and he is obviously Miranda from Okay.
Sex and the City. And, uh, Santiago, you go with him.
Guys, I'm Mario Batali! "Molto Mario"? Celebrity chef? Ginger Prince Yes, sir.
of little Italy? Is he also a homeless troll doll? 'Cause you look like Damn it.
a homeless troll doll. Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I
Hey, sweet Batali costume, dude. promise you, you will love it.
Thank you! There's a man with impeccable taste. Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
He bit a guy's butt off at a W. "Kind, sober, and fully dressed.
N. " Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.
B. Well, ring it up, nerds.
A. I just arrested my first Halloween idiot of the season.
game. He was trying to rob a bank but had a little trouble with the
Eric Stoltz from Mask. getaway.
I'll take it. Trying to "split," huh? Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out on "a
Yeah. peel.
I hope you're all well rested. " I'm so glad you're stuck.
It's gonna be a busy night. I've got a million of these.
The holding cell's completely full. No, no, don't touch the money! Ugh! I swear, these perps are so
I keep having to separate Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-Un. stupid.
I'd make a better criminal than any of them. spookiest night of the year.
Yeah, you would. And you have to publicly state that I'm an amazing
You'd be an evil mastermind, and everyone would call you the Detective-slash-genius.
handsome bandit. And this won't interfere with you doing your job? You mean my job
Thank you, Charles. as an amazing Detective-slash-genius? No, it will not.
And the best part is, none of you could catch me. I'll do all of my work, guaranteed.
I'm fairly certain you would be caught. I'm considering it.
No, scratch that. I'm interested.
I'm 100% sure you'd be caught. I agree to participate.
Ho, ho, ho! All right, challenge accepted. All right.
I didn't issue a challenge. There's the robot I fell in love with.
Fine. Hey.
I'll issue it for you. Sister Steve here got mugged.
What's the most valuable thing in your office? My medal of valor. Some guy dressed as the royal baby punched him and took his
God, you are such a hero. wallet.
All right, how about this? I will bet you that by midnight tonight, I She keeps laughing at me.
can steal the medal of valor from your office. Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in catholic
Why would I possibly agree to that? Because if I lose, I'll work the school.
next five weekends, no overtime. Ten.
And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing I didn't know you went to catholic school.
short shorts outside of work. Good.
But if I win You won't. You shouldn't know it.
You have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and I get it.
You're so mysterious and tough. You're the best.
But you know what I think? You're actually a big softy. Mwah! What does your skin taste like? Dina Lohan.
No, I think she's really mean. I'm wearing her face lotion.
You probably read a Maya angelou poem at your graduation and That's it.
cried. Thank you.
Didn't graduate. Okay, party's around the corner.
Had to leave. Tipster said there'll be a huge amount of drug activity.
Why? What'd you do? Here's a hint. Why is this costume so stiff? And what is that smell? The
I'm not gonna tell you. department never washes them, so it's probably vomit.
Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway. Hey! I got you a chocolate.
I'm a Detective. Yet another great thing about Halloween chocolate! Thanks.
I will detect! Hey. Oh, look.
Got an arrest file here for the Captain. Raggedy Ann is drinking vodka right from the bottle.
Drunk and disorderly. People think if they put on a costume, they can just get away with
So, anyways Gina! We never talk anymore. anything they want.
How's the dance troupe? Did you get a haircut? What's the Halloween is Christmas for jerks.
Captain's schedule like today? I'm not gonna help you rob him, Come on, ma'am.
Jake. No open containers.
I'm his assistant, and I take that job incredibly seriously. Oh, and why should I listen to you, bone person? It's called skelon.
You're literally making paper airplanes out of police reports right It's a very common word.
now. Just put the vodka away.
Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can? Please, You guys are cops? These guys are cops! Are you in my ceiling,
Gina? Fine, Captain's got a meeting downstairs in ten minutes. Peralta? No.
So what's the plan? You wait for me to leave my office, lower Boobs go in a bra.
yourself down, take my medal, and win the bet? Who are you Up top.
talking to? There's no one up here. Whoo! My man.
Peralta, just so you know, right now, I am taking my medal off the Well, it sounds like costume duty is going great.
wall and placing it in a locked safe whose combination is known So great.
only to me. We're having the best time.
The safe, in turn, is locked in the cabinet. Right, Amy? I wish I was dead.
The only key to that cabinet is on my person. Hmm.
I'm off to my meeting. How's the unwinnable bet going? Well, on the one hand, I fell
Good luck with your plan. through the ceiling and onto a pencil, but on the other hand, I also
You think that scares me? I laugh in the face of adversity! Are you badly bruised my brain.
still there? Captain, are you still there? I can't hear Agh! Ow. If you wanted to make a bet with Holt, you shoulda made a bet
Here you go. you could win.
Don't touch the butter. Like who wears more denim jackets.
What happened? I thought you guys were supposed to be at the That was one time.
warehouse party. You guys never forget anything.
We got egged. You know, frankly, I'm a little surprised you don't think I can win
Some of the shell got in my contacts and my hair and my mouth this thing.
and my bra. You're always telling me how I'm the best.
I can't tell if that's hot or not. You're the best, Jake.
Not hot. Paperwork delivery.
Eggshell in my bra is not hot. You're the best, Jake.
Well, it's kinda hot. Jake, you're the best.
Thank you, Charles. Were you doing drugs? Worse.
Yeah, maybe it's just Charles. Selling drugs? Worse.
Look, Jake, I love you like you're one of my daughters. How bad could it have been? Did you burn down a church?
Really? But it's not about you or how smart you are. Number three, step forward and say the word "worse.
It's about Captain Holt. " Worse.
The man's a genius. Excuse me, Gina.
He's had your number at every turn. I can't find Peralta anywhere, and you're the only one who can
Well, not this day Turn time. decipher his handwriting.
Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had a concussion back there. He arrested that bunny, but I don't know what for.
Here I come. He's either a crispy mother werewolf or cowboy mustard, oslo,
All right. Norway.
Ohh, strong. Hmm.
Ahh. The bunny groped multiple women on the subway.
Okay, here's the first set of royal babies I rounded up. Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift.
Popular costume. A useless, useless gift.
Any of these guys look familiar? Maybe the third guy. Excuse me one second.
The baby who mugged me was pretty short. Nice costume, Peralta.
You're not supposed to laugh at me. No Peralta here.
Number three, step forward and say, "give me your money, you Just a normal janitor pushing trash around.
stupid bag of crap. Come out of there.
" Gimme your money, you stupid bag of crap. Captain, hey.
No, wrong giant baby. You really thought this was gonna work? Uh, it did work.
I still want to know why you got kicked out of catholic school. This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail.
It's just like in chess. It's filthy in there.
Sometimes in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king. Come on, Amy! Loosen up! You look like such a cop! Come on,
That's exactly how you lose in chess. have some fun, you know? It'll help you blend in! Whoo! Stop trying
Have you ever played the game? Yeah, I used to play with my to get me to love Halloween.
uncle Bob all the time, and he said I was great. It'll never work.
This is a game of concentration, Jake. I'm backing it up.
So focus your mind, and start shooting. Oh, God, please don't.
Now you're a master of chess, huh? He taught me how to shoot Hey, heads up.
backgammon too. I'll cut 'em off at the exit.
I expected better of you. Okay.
You could have at least created a diversion to distract me from Move! Move, move! He ditched the drugs.
your terrible costume. I'm on it.
Uh, I'm not a dumb butt. Ugh.
I had a diversion planned. Oof, everything is sticking to me.
There was just a slight timing issue. Ooh.
Oh, my God! Get down, everyone! There's a big fire! Captain, you Ay, h.
better head over there for, like, going on with that. Yes.
Beware of the back draft. Hey, watch out, man.
I'll be in your office. Ugh! What is that? How is it hot and cold? So the soonest you can
You have beautiful eyes. fix the ceiling is Monday? I'm gonna have to call you back.
Have it your way. Wait, stop scratching me.
But you're gonna need this. We're supposed to be a team.
And that. Ahem.
Captain, hi. Really? Yeah.
I was just photocopying some stuff. I'm gonna use that money to buy two suits.
Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air-conditioning vent to flush Well, I was gonna ask you to tell the Captain that I brought in royal
me out of my office? Way to ruin the surprise. babies for Diaz, but I'm sure he already knows, since he's always
How did you get those birds? By using my big, fat brain. one step ahead of me.
Get in the bag, you damn bird. Aww.
Eat the bread. Why so down, little clown? I'm just sick of losing to Holt.
Eat the bread! I gotcha! I gotcha! All part of my elaborate plan to I want that medal.
defeat you. It's not real gold.
So far, you and your big, fat brain are losing badly. I tried selling it online.
Maybe, if we're talking about who's winning our bet. Zero bids.
But if we're talking about who's holding more birds, I'm winning, But here's some advice I gave to the girls in my dance troupe at
four-nothing. the "dance till you drop" tournament.
You're only holding two. That advice was, dance.
Yeah. Dance! Dance.
Ooh, when you were logging in the drugs, you missed some Yeah, I'm not really sure that applies here, Gina.
awesome stuff. It does apply.
Guy walked by in full astronaut costume, gave me a high five. It means don't give up.
He high-fived me too. We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken.
Wait Hitchcock? Darn it. Oh, Natasha had her baby? You know Natasha? Yeah.
I wasn't supposed to talk, but I got so excited about that astronaut. Yeah.
What is happening? Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade places with Her dog has lupus.
her for the rest of the night. Yeah.
That's a trip. What no! Give me my keys.
Small world. Will you stop catching me? Do you have any idea how much I
Yes. spent on key chains? $23.
All right, I'm gonna go cry. Wow, that is unbelievably close.
I kind of feel bad for him. Keys.
Don't. Okay, look.
He brought this on himself. Tonight has been a little humiliating.
You can hang up now. Things are not going well, so I'm gonna just throw this out there.
You paid money to get out of working with me? Charles, I had to. What do you say we call off the bet and pretend this whole thing
Tonight has been awful. never happened? Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook.
Halloween is the worst, and I don't understand why you like it. What? No.
No, all the things that you think are bad about Halloween are what Pfft.
make it great. I meant to give you an out, so you could save face.
The big kids egg you. This is getting sad.
Then you and your friends run away together. Yeah, for you.
Friendships are forged in the crucible of Halloween adversity. So.
That's all I wanted for us. I called your school.
You can keep the wig. And I managed to get a hold of one sister Bernadette.
I don't need it anymore. I remember that old bag.
I don't really need it either. She was my favorite.
Hey, Captain Holt, can you come out here for one sec? You need Well, guess what she said.
something, Peralta? Yes, I do. Apparently, you were a model student and transferred of your own
Hit it, royal babies. volition.
Fine. quite frankly, how smart you are.
The reason I left catholic school was because I got into the Well, that's not surprising.
american ballet academy. You constantly underestimate me.
I was a classical dancer. No, you've been correctly estimated.
And I was good. You have five minutes until your deadline, and here you are,
I knew it! I knew you were a big softy. handcuffed to a table, in a locked room.
You tell anyone, I break your face. Which is precisely where I planned on being.
No, you won't. Captain, let me tell you a little story.
You're too sensitive. You remember when I fell through your ceiling? Yes, that was six
Captain, sorry to interrupt. hours ago.
Some officers just arrested Peralta. It was, I admit, a disastrous failure.
What? They caught him scaling the side of the building with a But it gave me the idea for Herman, the friendly janitor you met.
blowtorch. With Herman, I commenced the perfect crime.
Captain. I caught you as Herman.
Welcome to the endgame. But you didn't catch Rosa.
Would you care to shake the hand of the man who defeated you? Come out of there.
Forgot I was wearing handcuffs. It turns out that Rosa is great at picking locks.
Ohh, that hurt. Does not surprise me.
Whoo! Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch. No, me neither.
What were you thinking? I was thinking I had better core strength. Of course, I had to find a way to get her out of your office without
I got winded, like, ten feet up. you seeing her.
I knew you wouldn't win the bet, but your performance tonight has So I created a diversion.
made me question not only how good a Detective you are, but, Not mistimed Perfectly timed so she could escape unseen.
What about the pigeons? Oh, the gray pigeons? They were a red
herring.
Thank you.
Their only purpose was to draw you into the copy room while two
members of my team broke into your locked office.
So now I had a way into your office and an open cabinet.
All that was left was for the royal babies to steal your keys.
Yes, but you didn't need the keys.
The cabinet was already unlocked.
You needed a way into the safe.
And I got it.
You were so concerned with getting your keys back, you didn't
even notice the sergeant steal your phone.
That's right, even the sergeant is on my side.
I then had Charles dust your screen cover for prints.
The greasiest smudges revealed the four numbers you use the most
The four numbers in your passcode.
Based on your advanced age, I assumed that you use the same
passcode for everything Your phone, your email, and, of course,
your safe.
That would be a fair assumption.
It was at that point that I bumped into a girl dressed as a sexy
robot, and we got our flirt on hard.
'Sup? 'Sup? Jake Peralta.
And how was flirting part of the plan? Oh, it wasn't.
It just ruled.
And that brings us to five minutes ago, when Amy came to your
office and told you that I had been arrested.
I knew she's the only one you would believe because, frankly, she's
usually too lame to take part in these kinds of things.
And as you walked over here, Charles awkwardly stuffed himself
through your window and opened your safe.
We had the four numbers of your code, which meant there were 24
possible combinations for Charles to try.
That could take up to four minutes, which is why I really dragged
out this explanation.
I mean, really stretched it.
I don't know if you noticed, but there were times where I was like,
what am I even talking about? This isn't Oh.
But now, four minutes is up.
Which means Boyle is either on the other side of that door holding
your medal, or I've lost.
Well, Captain, it seems that Jake isn't the only person you
underestima Game over, Captain.
Check me.
I think you mean "checkmate.
" You really need to learn how to play chess. "I'm sorry about tonight.
How did you get everyone to help you? I appealed to their sense " We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape.
of teamwork and camraderie with a rousing speech that would put I'm sorry I couldn't convince you to love Halloween.
Shakespeare to shame. It's not your fault.
For too long, we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! I was terrible.
But no more! For today, we defeat him! And that worked? No. "It's not your fault I was terrible" is also one of your sex tapes.
No, no. Ow.
Not at all. Halloween is unbearable.
My speech did not inspire them. But it was slightly less unbearable with you.
Come on. Don't.
So I bribed them. Okay.
I told them that if we pulled this off, I would do all of their Anyway.
paperwork. We're all going to the bar, so get changed, 'cause you can't be the
And since you're doing all my paperwork I'm impressed, Peralta. only one there not wearing a 'stume.
Well done. 'Stume! Oh, my God.
Thank you, sir. It caught on.
In fact, the thing that you failed to see, Captain, teamwork, is No.
exactly Captain? What provided our success. Ah, Captain Holt.
Sir? He's not coming back. It is so nice to see you.
Boyle, I need you in the briefing room. Never thought I'd say that.
What is all this? You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? Hmm.
Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. A poor winner.
I'm sorry about tonight. I never would've guessed.
Yeah, you would've. He just got out, and the crime scene matches his M.
Way to go all out on your costume, by the way. O.
I believe you have an announcement to make, so the floor is yours. perfectly.
Attention, everyone. Okay, what do we got? Well, security cam shows a male suspect,
Jake Peralta is an amazing Detective-slash-genius. 5'9" Wearing a black ski mask.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do. He bypassed the McConnell alarm by using the magnetic kill switch.
All right. And he only stole diamonds, nothing over two carats.
Officer in the 92nd got the royal baby mugger. Yeah, exactly.
He had 19 wallets in his diaper. How'd you know? I'm a Detective.
We got a runner! Waahhh! Damn! Oh, I didn't tell you. It's what I do.
I got kicked out of ballet school for beating the crap out of I'm just kidding.
ballerinas. I need a lot more information.
But that would've been a great exit line, right? The crime techs
브루클린 나인나인 episode 7 - 48 Hours aren't done yet, but I'm 100% sure it's Whitman.
Well, let's see what kind of physical evidence they turn up, and
Hey, cap'n, got a second? - It's "Captain. then we can talk arrest.
" - What did I say? "Cap'n," like cap'n crunch. Actually, hilarious story.
All right, but to be fair, cap'n crunch was a war hero and the So that is Dustin Whitman.
primary male role model in my house, growing up, so Anyways, You already arrested him? With insufficient evidence? By law, we
cap-tain, you know that jewelry store robbery down by grand army have 48 hours to find that evidence, or we have to let him go.
Plaza? - Mm-hmm. You just started the clock.
- I know who did it Dustin Whitman. What's up with this emergency meeting? Whoa, Detective Santiago.
I put him in Rikers two years ago. Big date tonight.
How do I look? Well, I think you look Sorry, that was supposed to We're here until this is over.
be a catcall. - Damn it, Peralta.
I don't know how this works. - Ow! I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Hey, is this why you were getting makeup tips from the prostitute in But? That was it.
the holding cell? I just wanted to know how she got such smoky I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
eyes. Terry, you just pulled two doubles.
Turns out it was an std rash. You must be tired.
Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist. I'll stay for this Whitman debacle.
- Way to go, jakey. - You go home.
- Ah, that's okay. - I'm not tired.
No. Why would you think I was tired? I ended up doing of sleep
He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the chin-ups on muscle memory alone.
next 48 hours to fix his mistake. Tired Terry still gets after it, that's all I'm saying.
Damn it, Jake. Hey, Gina, can you order food for us at the flatbush diner? They
What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy? Some make the best pies in New York City.
pretty ironclad stuff. Oopsie, you said something super dumb.
Dustin, it's been a while. The best pie in the city's at crust.
Mind if I ask you a few questions? Well, well, well, if it isn't joke Wrong.
Peralta. Ignorant and wrong.
That's it, you're under arrest. Uh, you think you can just bully people, but you can't.
Case closed? If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes It's not okay.
the case and opens the department up to a lawsuit. I'm the bully around here, ask anyone.
So cancel your plans. Boyle, you're always blogging on that foodie website.
Which pie's better? Yeah, whose do you like better, mine or You said the exact same thing last time.
Rosa's? Oh, uh, you know, I-I haven't been to either place yet. And how'd that work out for you? Let's take a look.
Why is your eye twitching? Wouldn't you like to know? Could I see Okay.
you for a second in the evidence lockup? Charles, I know what's Here's you at your trial.
going on. You in prison.
You've tried both pies. Me meeting Regis philbin.
You know mine is better. That was fun.
But you're scared to tell Rosa, 'cause you're into her. You still in prison.
What? That is not true, okay? I-I-I don't even like food. Me at splash mountain, just pepper these in here.
- What? - Who's Rosa? Y-you're the scared one. You in prison, you in prison, you in prison, you get it.
Planning your strategy? No, I'm just making funny faces at him. - You got the wrong guy.
This mirrored glass is awesome. - All right.
It straight-up works. Not ready to confess? Fine by me.
An effective use of your limited time. I got all the time in the world.
It is, actually. No, you actually have 48 hours.
That's how I got him last time. I know the law.
Let him stew for a little bit, got in his head, and he confessed. Nuh-uh.
- You better be right. So looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
- I am. Should someone do a coffee run? You know what? Coffee's on me.
Hey, make some funny faces while I'm in there. Oh, but no froofy frappuccinos or anything, I've only got, like, Okay.
I wanna see if I can tell. Rise and shine, detectives, rise and shine.
I didn't do anything, joke. Peralta, I want you to bring everyone up to speed.
That's funny. You slept in your office, and you look exactly the same.
How? What are you talking about? My hair is a mess. possessed or sold those diamonds.
Oh, yeah. I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.
Briefing room, five minutes. Because we're dedicated detectives.
How long were we asleep? Just long enough for me to squeeze in - Because Peralta jumped the gun.
quick workout. - Yep.
So, like, three hours. Get to work.
- Morning. So we both had good answers.
- Ugh. This isn't a joke.
I can't believe you live nearby and you won't let anyone crash at You're ruining our weekend.
your place. Okay, I'm sorry you had to cancel dinner with your dad.
You people already know too much about me. Date.
I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you I had a date.
won't let any of us crash at your place. Hey, if Jake says the guy did it, that usually means the guy did it.
Is that a nightgown? That's mine. Thank you.
It's a t-shirt from my fat phase. Everyone listen to Rosa.
"If at first you don't secede, try try again. No, I'm still furious at you.
" When you're that big, you buy anything that fits. Okay, no one listen to Rosa.
A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones. She's clearly an accomplice to this crime.
Okay, a couple of quick announcements. I'm gonna go take another crack at Whitman.
First, I met our night janitor Ronald. You've been in there, like, five times.
If any of you are missing hand sanitizer, he drank it. What are you gonna do? Annoy him into talking? Ha, ha.
Second, our warrants finally went through. Two, three, four.
We gotta place Whitman at the scene and prove that he either Aah! Didn't work.
Thank you.
Did not work.
Hey, Captain.
Will you please let everyone else go? I feel bad that I ruined their
weekend, and I can tell they're pissed at me.
I mean, Charles hasn't tried to high-five me all morning.
Yes, I've taken the brunt of that.
Kitchen buds.
Are you sure Whitman did it? Yes, I'm positive.
Then the whole team stays.
We have a better shot with everyone on it.
Fine, will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home? His mouth smells
like rotten trout milk.
Is there such a thing? I'm just telling you what it smells like.
Get out.
- Do you have the bank records? - Mm-hmm.
Good thing I didn't reschedule my date for tonight.
We're never leaving here.
Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know? Saved you from
another lame Internet date with some lame guy named dirk or mar
garine.
He's not lame, okay? He works with a friend of mine.
He has a human name.
And I'm not telling you what it is, because you'll look him up and
make fun of him.
I can't believe you think so little of me that you would just
automatically assume Is it Luke Mueller? How did you do that?
Well, you only have one friend Kylie.
And she has seven male coworkers.
Goatee, goatee, jaunty fedora, profile pic is a sunset, tasmanian
devil tattoo, goatee.
Leaving Luke as the only viable option.
Well, he's nice, and he uses proper punctuation in texts.
- Dreamboat.
- And I wanted to go out with him.
All right.
You know what? Reschedule for tonight.
I promise I will get us out of here in time.
Fine.
I'm holding you to that.
Where's he taking you? Terrific, let's get everyone involved.
Dinner and a movie.
Dinner and a movie is the perfect first date.
I think the perfect first date doesn't feel like a first date at all,
because you've known each other for a few years, maybe even
work together.
And one night you're laughing, and then all of a sudden, it's just And I filled this out.
like blammo! Kissing. I just need you to Permission to yawn, sir.
Cheap dinner, watch basketball, bone down. Go home.
So pretty much the same as what I said. Please, I'm begging you.
None of the partials match Whitman. - Oh, fair enough.
If he did it, he didn't leave any prints. - Yeah.
Maybe he doesn't have any. That's for women.
Interesting fact about me I once burnt my fingerprints off on a wok. - These your glasses? - Mm-hmm.
Hi, hello. They're gigantic.
What are you doing? Holt said you didn't have to come in here. My contacts dried out, thanks to you.
You don't come in on days you're supposed to work. And they're cool.
Because I'm so nice, I brought two pies. No, they're not.
One is from crust. Wow, you are blind blind.
And one's also from flatbush diner. - Yeah.
Hey, you know what might be fun? Charles could try them and tell - You're a blind cop.
us which one is better. How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?
How fun is that? - So fun. Give those back.
- Yay! Yum, yum, yum. Yeah, okay.
Yummy. Wait a minute.
You got a second, Captain? I've got these overtime forms for you I did it.
to s Are you stifling a yawn? - No, sir. I got Whitman, dead to rights.
- Go home, sergeant. I can still make my date? As I promised.
I'm fine. Go get changed.
And by that, of course I mean throw your glasses in the garbage, hour before the robbery.
then get laser surgery, then recuperate And she left the room. Oh, no, you found out About my wife.
It's all right. We both have cards, because we share a joint account, because
Out of 12? Why? For the 12 components of food satisfaction: Salty, we love each other.
sweet, sour, bitter, umami, odor, sound Sound? Come on, Charles. You're incapable of love, and I'll prove it! Oh, I'm very tired.
Try her nasty pie. I want my lawyer, now.
Oh, wow. Ugh! You have changed.
That's the best pie I ever had. You used to go straight to prison! Did Whitman talk? Oh, he talked
No, no. all right.
- No, no, no. He asked for his lawyer.
- What's this? We were running calls to pawn shops and then By using words, which is technically talking.
waiting for them to call back. We can't ask him any more questions till we find his lawyer, and
I didn't ask what you were doing. we can't find his lawyer anywhere.
I asked what you are doing. I'm sorry.
Pie taste test, it's over. Aah, come on.
I won. Why is there pie here? That's not good.
That's unacceptable. I think the world of you, as a colleague and friend.
If you wanna know which restaurant has better pies, you can't just - Shut up, Peralta.
have one guy try one pie from each place. - Yep.
Everybody needs to try all the pies from both places. - Yes! - Another one for crust.
We gonna be here awhile. It's not looking good for flatbush diner.
Debit card statement. Ah, come on! You went home and showered? That's so unfair.
You were at a parking meter two blocks from the jewelry store an I'm just glad I keep a toothbrush here.
Oh, cool. I can do it.
Hey, can I borrow it? Uh, why do you wanna borrow the Tiny Terry loves his pickles.
toothbrush? What possible answer could he give that would make He makes me feel so small.
you say yes? I wanna brush my teeth. Who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant.
Jake, it's been in my mouth. You're a grown man.
That's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Now take your nap.
That's the grossest thing you've ever heard? You caught a guy on And if I see the lights on in here, I'm gonna be very disappointed
the subway with a bag of human ears. in you.
Your thing's grosser. Are you the idiot that made a Friday night arrest? I was in the
Bring out the meringues. poconos with my wife.
I brought a few more. You ruined my entire weekend.
That's so many. Get in line, because that's their attitude.
You wanted something, sir? Look, it's impossible to make you leave. Get your own attitude.
But you do have to sleep, and that's an order. He has an alibi, geniuses.
Sir, this is not necessary. He was at torque.
Also, can't sleep without my whale songs. It's a nightclub in cape may, New Jersey, all night.
Terry, I've seen this before. Nice try.
Problems at home, so you stay late at the job, but that only makes You think I'm gonna waste six hours driving to the Jersey Shore
it worse. and back on some fake alibi? It's up to you.
Everything's great with my wife. But in ten hours, he walks.
It's just, my brother-in-law's in town, and we do not get along. More like in ten hours, he walks into prison, when we bust him.
- He thinks I'm a weakling. Let's follow up on his alibi.
- You? Let me get that for you. - Yep, you heard him, Scully, hit the road.
- No. And your job is lying about your taste buds? I'm sorry about the
You should've looked into this before you made the arrest. whole pie blowup thing.
You go. You're right.
Oh, Captain, I'm happy to go. The flatbush diner pie is awful.
I love the saltwater taffy down there. - Thank you.
Scully loves the saltwater taffy down there. - It's just I want Rosa to like me.
No, Peralta's going. All right, do whatever you want, but most women don't really like it
Go, Peralta. when dudes lie to them.
Look, I know I caused this problem, but I can fix it. Except for me, but I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction.
We just got some new security footage in. Nothing.
Let me stay here and go through it. Wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna prove that Whitman was at the scene of the crime, even This guy black knit cap.
if it kills me. Come on, come on, come on.
This is killing me. Gotcha! Ugh, it's not him.
Good. Let's just arrest this guy.
Die. Who even cares anymore? So how'd my new best friend Luke take
You know, if it does come to that, I have but one wish before I go. it when you cancelled on him again? Don't know, hasn't called me
Can I please put your glasses on my penis? I just think that would back.
be really funny. Which is what always happens, because it's impossible to be a cop
Hey, can you make copies of these warrant requests for me? I'm and date.
not your secretary. Amy, look.
You're everyone's secretary. There is a guy out there with incredibly low standards and a super
That's literally your job. weird soul patch, and he is waiting for you.
Amy, my patch tingles for you. A.
We will wed on the isle of New Jersey. 's furious.
Our first dance will be to jessie's girl, because my name is Whitman and his lawyer are in my office right now, gunning for a
definitely jessie. lawsuit.
- It's so romantic. No, not that.
- Hey, guys. My brother-in-law is coming to have dinner with me on his way to
Hey. jfk.
Yeah, there's good news, and there's bad news. But also the botched investigation, that's bad too.
The bad news is my saltwater taffy place was closed. Okay, what can I do? Oh, your services will not be necessary,
And the good news? Whitman's alibi checked out. because you need to go home and change for your date.
Security footage from torque shows he was there. - What? - I called handsome Luke.
That's not good news. I explained the weekend was entirely my fault, partially.
- That's bad news. And he wants to go out with you tonight.
- Right. - Thanks, Peralta.
That is bad news. - You're welcome.
Sorry, it's on me. Just promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of
No, Detective Scully, it's on Peralta. your purse, okay? - They're expired.
No, Captain, that's on Santiago. - How do you know what's in my purse? I needed concealer for a
It's on me. zit.
It's still on me. Plus, you know, we spend so much time together here, I know
This is such a disaster. everything about everyone.
It's not good. I know Hitchcock went bald at 15.
D. Scully used to date Hitchcock's wife.
Charles has a bike with a little basket on the front. You taught him your m.
How else would you carry baguettes? And Rosa has a shower in O, he pulled off the robbery, you got yourself an alibi, and you split
her apartment, I think. the loot.
I got nothing on her. Oh, man, I can't believe he caught us.
Good. Of course he did, Peralta is the best! Aw, thanks, reg.
Well, I guess we did just spend 48 hours locked in here together. That's enough.
Holy crap. Yeah, I gotta work on my Regis.
- What? - Locked in here together. Anyway, see ya in jail, Whitman.
So we will be filing a wrongful arrest suit against the NYPD. You got anything else to say? Hey, Rosa, the flatbush diner's pie is
And when I win, I'm gonna buy club torque, put a statue of Jake terrible.
Peralta right in the middle of the dance floor. It's inedible.
First off, that's a terrible threat. Food is supposed to be edible.
I would love to have a statue of myself in the middle of a dance So you were lying? What the hell, Boyle? Put it in the suck-it
club. bucket.
Second Do me a favor, take a look at this picture, and tell me Crust isn't any better.
what you see. It's fancier, but it's all bells and whistles.
You and Regis philbin. Desserts don't need to be clever.
Awesome, right? Surprisingly down-to-earth guy and definitely not They just need to be good.
the picture I meant to show you. This is the best pie in New York City Apple from argos bakery,
But take a look at this. founded 1910.
That's right, it's you and your old cell mate Marcus Cole. Recipe unchanged.
And here he is again outside the jewelry store. Taste it.
The two of you planned this together in prison. Damn, it is amazing.
This pie is so good, I hate it. Actually, I don't like pickles that much.
You just graduated pie school, bitches. Terry, I'm glad I found you.
Sorry I said "bitches," I'm just really worked up. There's been a development in the Russian mob case.
Yow! Mmm, what is that? Sorry for screwing up everyone's Oh? Yeah, our killer has been spotted in the warehouse down by
weekend. the canal.
Hey, uh, drinks on me. Get your gear.
Who's in? Oh, no way. So you want me first through the door, sir? Oh, it's just you.
No, I got the date. The SWAT team is on another call, so you'll have to do it alone.
I gotta change. Hey, I'm not gonna be able to make dinner tonight.
- Come on. Hey, no, do your thing, do your thing.
- Everyone's tired, Peralta. Go, Terry.
They just wanna go home. You can crash on my couch.
Yeah, but I have to prove I'm not selfish, so I don't care what they I even downloaded you some whale songs.
want. Thank you, sir.
That sounded bad. I'll never forget it.
And to make up for what I did, I'll cover one shift each for all of Good night, Terry.
you.
No kidding? - Except Santiago. 브루클린 나인나인 episode 8 - Old School
- What? I got you your date back.
One nice thing from me is all you get. Careful! You only get one shot at this, Peralta.
So this is my desk. Don't worry.
Desk jockey, huh? You just sit here, eat your pickles, wait for the I know what I'm doing.
criminals to turn themselves in. I saw the first 15 minutes of The Hurt Locker.
Hurry! The stench is too much. "The detectives wiped the mobsters' blood off their boots and found
We gotta get those shoes outta here. the scag.
How much time do we have? Scully ate his pot pie so we probably " Scag is heroin, and the book says it's so good, you can never
got 10 minutes left on this nap. stop doing it! See me after class, Jacob.
All right, come to papa. Fun side note I late lost my virginity to Mrs.
It's trapped. Stratton's daughter.
Abort mission. It was very fast.
I have an idea Let's send these shoes to hell. Nice.
Oh, wait. Mr.
Yeah, just smells worse than before. Brogan, these are detectives Santiago and Peralta.
Oh Ugh! Abort! Whoa! Why are you here before me? Am I asleep? Mr.
Is this a dream? I am early because Jimmy Brogan is here today. Brogan, I am a huge fan of your book.
Why do you care so much about some old reporter? Some old Would you mind signing my copy? I'd love to.
reporter? Is the sky just some big blue hat that the world wears? It's always nice to meet a fan.
No. You can just make it out to "death wish.
And no one has ever thought that. " That's what everyone calls me, 'cause I'm always first through the
My point exactly. door.
Jimmy Brogan wrote The Squad about badass New York cops in You go through doors normally, and everyone calls you pineapples.
the '70s. My grandma calls me pineapples, and I regret telling you that.
It's the best book I've ever read, and I've read 15 books. Those New York cops from the '70s you wrote about were my idols
Wait You said 15? The Squad is what made me decide to become I mean, Gaminsky, Cavanaugh, Quigg.
a Detective. Those guys were the real deal.
And it was my first book report. I once saw Gaminsky choke a hippy to death with his own ponytail.
Illegal. The D.
Love that. A.
Mr. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
Brogan is writing an article about how Brooklyn detectives have Why? I'm fine on the stand.
changed in the 35 years since The Squad. Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dum-dums can
He'll be observing the two of you on your Internet identity theft understand.
case. Man did crime.
I hope Mr. I'm sorry can you make her stop doing that weird thing with her
Brogan's presence doesn't prove to be a distraction to you, Peralta. face? Crying? And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm
Distracted? Me? No, sir. gonna break those little fingers.
Evil would love that. Ms.
But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction. Diaz.
Not today. Please stop threatening the stenographer! This is an important case.
Where's the can? I gotta unload. You need to do well.
"Unload. Fine.
" Great choice of words. I'll take your dumbass seminar.
It'd be an honor to show you, sir. That's the spirit! Someone has placed tiny scanners inside ATMs to
All right. steal card numbers and pins which they sell on the Internet.
Everyone's here. Oh, good God, why do you smell like an ashtray? Oh, sorry, mom.
Today we're gonna work on our courtroom demeanor. It's the only way I can cope with the stress of the job.
Pass. Pffft! Anyway We're running an algorithm to comb through the
This seminar is not optional, Diaz. transactions looking for a pattern which will lead us to the perp's IP
You're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow. address.
Got it. perfectly candid" To be perfectly candid I like that.
"Boring mumbo jumbo. And always make good eye contact.
" Well, you could think of the algorithm as a boot and the IP But don't stare at people.
address as some poor slob's skull. Yeah.
You know? We used to call guys who bragged about sitting around You gotta blink.
all day hair bags. But don't blink too much.
Except for Detective Finaldi. Or too fast.
No, he had to sit around all day. I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
A mafia thug pried both his kneecaps off with a crowbar. Don't blink too fast or too slow or too much or too little.
Gah so lucky. I know how to blink.
This kind of data-driven police work has reduced crime by over Quick question, sir.
70%. You know how we've been trading favors back and forth and it's
I know hair bag work when I see it. your turn to give me one? None of that is true.
Do me a favor wake me when your shift is over. Yeah, I know.
No way. Please, can I jump onto a sweet mob-related homicide? There are
That is amazing! All you need is for a jury to like you. no sweet mob-related homicides on which to jump.
If they like you, they'll trust you. Boom! There's one at the seven-three.
Fine. Maybe I should roll over there, help out.
How do I get these morons to like me? Don't call them morons. Brogan can tag along, maybe write some stuff down.
Good instinct! Okay. Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Sit up straight, all right? Be aware of your hands, okay? And don't Because the '70s were amazing.
be afraid to smile. I mean, everyone had thick, juicy moustaches and all the clothes
And if you need to buy time, you can always just say, "to be were orange and flammable.
The '70s were not a good time for the city or for the department place.
Corruption, brutality, sexism. And that's my cue.
Diaz and Santiago never would have made Detective, and an It's late.
openly gay man like me I never would have been given a Are you kidding? The old guard drank till dawn, ate some coffee
command. grounds, then started the whole day all over again.
There were very few black detectives. Pfft! I eat coffee grounds.
Did I ever tell you what my first day on the job was like? Hello. Sure you do, pineapples.
I'm Raymond Holt. How about another round? Are you kidding me? I wanna hang with
Are you here to turn yourself in? Ah, yeah, that's really messed up. you till one of us dies.
But the guys that Brogan wrote about They were great detectives. Look, I'm tired of talking.
I mean, they were legit. Why don't you tell me some of your stories? Great.
Some of them were legit. 'Cause I got some stories that'll make Training Day look like Super
Some of them were just Brogan's drinking buddies. Troopers.
Sir, that is a brilliant idea. Eh, it's not bartender.
It wasn't an idea. Two scotches.
It was a scathing indictment of your personal hero. No, no, he meant two bottles.
Eh, six of one. What? I mean yeah! Aaaalll right! You'll never get me! You'll never
This is the best! Drinking with Jimmy Brogan. get me! We already got you, idiot.
So tell me more about Quigg. Look who's here.
Could he really light a matchstick on his face? One time during a How was your night of old-school drinking, hmm? Pretty hung over?
drug bust, he had one of his fingers shot off. Shh! Turn off your mouth siren.
He didn't even flinch. Here are the texts I got from you last night.
He just picked it up and used it to flip off every puerto rican in the "Best night ever.
" "Why scotch burn so good?" "Whaz his name in Serpico?" "Who's Mmm Oh my whole body has dry mouth.
the friend of yours with the ping-pong?" And lastly, a picture of you Why are we meeting in the ladies' room? It's the perfect place for
on the subway platform eating Chinese chicken salad with no shirt our second lesson Courthouse wardrobe.
on. What's wrong with the way I dress? You know, some people might
Well, last night was awesome. say that all the black leather kind of makes you looks like an evil
We had an epic night of bonding that I will never forget. villain.
Do it! I believe in you. Not me.
Throw it! I believe in you. I think you look like a sexy motorcycle.
Man, I wonder if Brogan's okay. Boyle, pull it together.
He's 65 and drank two bottles of scotch. Yeah.
He might be dead. We need to soften up your look.
He looks fine to me. My wife and Charles's mom donated some clothes.
Morning, kid! Ooh! How ya doing? Uh hey So good. Your wife and Boyle's mom are both blind? I look like arsenio.
I feel great. So it's perfect? That's actually my wedding suit.
And I definitely don't think it's burning hot in here. No.
Well, I'm around. Yes.
Grab me if anything develops in your case. No.
You got it. No.
That hurt so bad. That's great.
Let me know when he's gone so I can slide onto the nice, cool Perfect! You look beautiful ly Appropriate for court.
floor. A new sensation Ohh Scully.
He's gone. Hey, Jake.
Great. You've been alive forever.
How'd you used to cure hangovers? Oh, I didn't drink. You should drink it all.
I was, however, extremely into cocaine for most of 1986. For your guns.
I gotta tell you the truth, Hitchcock Can I tell you the truth? You Yeah.
and me, man. Agh.
We're gonna be co-captains. Ah, it's just like Fitness, right? Oh, why did I do this? According to
But first I'm taking you to Japan! I'm already packed! I had three your text, you were having "the beef light of my loaf.
heart attacks that year and declared bankruptcy. " What? No, no.
Hitchcock turned out just fine. Why did I use this algorithm? We're only tracking people who use
My grandpa was an old-school cop. the stolen cards.
This was his hangover cure Raw egg yolks. They might not be the same as the ones who stole them.
Aaahhh! You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river. Here, switch seats with me.
Wrong. Oh, wow.
I look like a cool rock star who oded in his own pool. Your butt's really warm.
Big difference. My butt's normal.
I told you not to let Jimmy Brogan distract you from your work. Your butt's the weird one.
So I assume you're not too hung over to do said work? Pfft. Don't be mad.
Nope. It's nice.
It's like I never even drank. All right, so if we ignore all these fraudulent purchases and go back
And that's not a hangover cure. far enough Here.
What, that? Naw, it's just some Protein for my guns. Someone posted the stolen card numbers online from this IP
I drink one every morning before I lift. address.
So Gah! Ah ha ha! So good! You can barely even tell it's a Not bad! You found the pattern.
chicken embryo. All right, let's aspirin up and roll out! Ah ohh! Ohh I'm glad you
could be here for this. Detective Diaz, it's always a pleasure to see you.
Mike Halbrook. This is not good.
NYPD. The lawyer is that slimeball grundhaven Rosa hates him! She's
Open up. dressed right.
Put your head through the door. We coached her.
My head? We got a runner! Stop! Hands in the air! Oh, wow. She'll be okay.
Hoo! Yeah! Good job. Would you please state your name for the record? To be perfectly
I'm never drinking again. candid My name is Detective Rosa Diaz.
Hey. Well, thank you for your candor regarding your own name.
You know, I was gonna take him out myself, but ladies first, so Detective Diaz, would you please tell the court exactly how you're
Relax, kid. involved in this case? I caught Mr.
Being too hung over to chase a perp? That's a classic old-school Ladd physically beating his boss with a fax machine.
move. Most of his cheek was caved in.
You know, you are one of the last few good cops fighting against His head was basically a blood fountain.
the rising tide of hair bags. I'm sorry, is this amusing to you, Ms.
That's what you're gonna say in your article? Ah, don't worry, you're Diaz? Blinking.
gonna come out lookin' real good. Oh, no.
Especially after our talk in the bar. Brogan just sent me the quotes he's gonna run.
Ah So many good quotes! Especially about Holt. I slammed Holt like 50 times.
Cops are usually afraid to go after their captains like that, but you, Listen.
sir, are old-school. "Holt would rather I wear a tie "than solve a case.
You know it. "Holt cares more about catching clerical errors "than catching bad
Oh, pineapples What did you do? Your witness counselor. guys.
Holt is way too verticulis"? That's not even a word! What were you But if the problem is that you're nervous, that's where Charles Boyle
thinking? We were just hanging out, being old-school. lives, baby.
He wasn't supposed to quote me. I can help! You just need to go to your happy place.
I was off the record the whole time. What's that? Sounds stupid.
Oh, no wait. Oh, everyone's happy place is different.
I'm goin' on the record. For me, I just imagine I'm slurping up the world's longest piece of
Jake Peralta Can dance! Whoo! Whoo! Jimmy Brogan! You need to linguini.
fix this, okay? Those quotes cannot run. It just keeps going and going.
It would be devastating for Holt. Every 20 feet of noodle, there's a sauce change.
And the department. I'm in my happy place right now.
I'll fix it. Mmm pesto.
Brogan's a cool guy. Mmm! Carbonara! Great! Now I'm starving! Hey, hey, Jimmy Brogan.
We're friends now. Thanks for meeting me.
I'll just talk to him, awesome dude to awesome dude. Welcome to the Schvitz, kid.
I should brush my teeth first, though, right? Mm-hmm. The most comfortable place on earth.
Yeah, that's terrible. It's like crawling back into your mother.
Ugh! Great advice, dummies. Is that something people wanna do? What'd you wanna talk to me
I look like a psycho up there! Yes. about? So I read those quotes you sent me, and you Wrote them
You have to pull it together. so good.
That's not helping! That's what sarge says to me when I'm nervous. The thing is I know I hid it incredibly well, but I was pretty drunk
Rosa, I think you're nervous. when I said that stuff, so Any chance you wouldn't print it? Well,
Of course I'm nervous! What did you think was the problem? We you said you were going on the record.
just assumed you were a terrifying human being with a short fuse. I was clearly not in control.
Well, maybe you should learn to handle your brown. Well, to be perfectly candid, no one cares what you think.
Eew. Do you actually know anything, or are you just guessing? Your
Look, you know that I think you're like the number one hero of the client instigated the fight.
20th century. I'm certain.
But kinda feel like you're being unfair here. And I'm happy to tell you why.
"Feel like"? Listen to her, Suzanne Somers over here. Yes! She went to her happy place.
Talk like a man. I know that, Boyle.
All right, I will talk like a man. You punched Jimmy Brogan? What were you thinking? I was
You got me drunk and took advantage of me. thinking that I needed to protect this precinct.
Oh, come on. From things that I said about this precinct to a reporter while drunk
Gah! Look, I'm asking you nicely Please don't print the quotes. and insisting he record me.
And I'm telling you nicely, I'm printing them. I shouldn't have done it.
No, you're not. Unbelievable.
What are you gonna do about it? Hey, how'd it go with Brogan? Every time I think you might make a decent Detective, you go and
Perfect. pull something like this.
Except I punched him in the face and made everything a billion I thought I could handle my brown.
times worse. Oh, I'm sorry.
What? Yeah. It's gross.
So, Detective Diaz, you saw my client struggling with his boss, but Go home! You got the rest of the day to put your head on straight.
you don't know who initiated the fight. Got Halbrook to cop to every charge.
To be perfectly candid, I was pretty sure it was the defendant. Nice work, Santiago.
Oh, to be perfectly candid, "pretty sure" is not definitive. Thank you, sir.
I think I know what happened. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should get credit for
the collar. Look, I know you're trying to be legit in a hair bag world, so I will
Have you seen him? I sent him home. not print your quotes.
He assaulted Jimmy Brogan. Ah, thank you, thank you! That means the world to me.
Yeah. And for the record, I know that Holt is a stickler, but he's actually a
But that caveman kinda had it coming, don't you think? Oh. really good cop.
He didn't tell you. Don't worry about it.
Tell me what? Never mind. We're friends.
If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. You don't have to stick up for that homo.
It's not my place. I really wish you hadn't just said that.
I'm disappointed in you, Santiago. What, homo? Ooh! Thank you, Santiago.
I thought you and I were close. That'll be all.
I know you're manipulating me But I love it, and I will tell you Here she is.
anything. Diaz, you did it.
So Jake went to the Schvitz to talk to Brogan. They found him guilty on all charges.
What are you gonna do about it? There's nothing I can do Except Huh.
to ask you nicely as a fan of you, your work, and the guys you Boyle's advice worked.
wrote about Please don't print the quotes. So Where's your happy place? I'm in a cabin in the middle of
Sheesh. nowhere.
I didn't realize you were gonna get your panties all in a pretzel! Inside it's just me and that stupid, slimy defense attorney.
That's actually not technically possible. And I'm beating the hell out of him.
I'm not wearing underwear. I break a dining room table over his head.
It is swampy in here. Then I rip off his arm and shove it where the sun don't shine.
My butt's like the everglades. Then I reach down his throat and shake his hand.
Yeah. face.
Okay. Well Guess I'm done with this.
I'm gonna go ahead and schedule you for a psych eval. Not good enough.
I owe you one, Boyle. Three, two, one Welcome to the party, pal! God, you love that
Thank-you dinner. movie.
Tomorrow night. It's Die Hard.
Gribaldi's.
It's all-you-can-eat linguini. 브루클린 나인나인 episode 9 - Sal's Pizza
Yes! Oh, my boyfriend's coming too.
Your what friend now? All right. Oh, this is amazing.
Let's hear it. This is so amazing.
Well, it's even worse than I imagined. Everything about this is amazing.
"The new face of the NYPD is perfectly embodied by Brooklyn's What are you talking about? A virus got on the server and sent all
own Jake Peralta" That's not so bad. of us an email with everyone's search histories.
"Who cowers behind his desk all day like the true hair bag that he Check this out.
is. Sergeant Jeffords searched the Internet for "undiscovered muscle.
" There it is. " I was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never
"The old guard would have eaten a guy like Peralta for breakfast seen before.
and unloaded him by lunch. I thought it might've been a scientific discovery.
" Well, it's very colorful. Listen to this.
And hurtful. Scully searched for "how much fudge is in a calorie?" I never found
You can ignore that garbage, Santiago. the answer, but it was a good question.
Jimmy Brogan wouldn't know a legit cop if he punched him in the Boyle looked up, "how to make desk yogurt.
" Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results. Oh, Boone.
Although the jar is really hot. What's that nimrod doing here? Hey, Peralta.
That's gross. Hey, Boone.
And Amy searched for "Daniel Craig hands" plus "close up. What are you doing here, you nimrod? Uh, there was a fire.
" Ugh. Big question is, what are you doing here? What, did somebody call
You should talk. in a missing doughnut? Uh, actually someone reported they couldn't
You searched for "cheapest date possible. find your head.
" And I wear that search like badge of honor. But we found it.
So, ready for dinner? Here we go. It was up your butt.
[Grunts] Would you like something sweet? Or maybe savory? Apple (Jake) You're a fireman, you should know how to treat that burn.
pie And I'm stuck. Joke's on you, 'cause this is a fire, which means it is fire
I'm stuck! Peralta. department jurisdiction.
Hey, Sal. So why don't you back off and let New York's bravest handle it?
To what do I owe the honor? Oh, my God. You know they only call you that because "New York's best at
Yeah, we'll be right there. spraying stuff with water" is too wordy.
Boyle (Jake) No! I can't believe Sal's is gone. Ha, well, it's too bad we all can't be as awesome as New York's
This place is an institution. finest, which by the way, sounds like my mom describing her
It's the best pizza in the neighborhood. dishware, which and she's dead, so let's tread lightly on the
Well, eighth-best. response.
But yeah, a tragedy. - That's not fair.
I mean, any food-related crime is a tragedy. - Yeah.
[Siren blares] Oh, no. Well, look, we heard this might be arson, so we wanted to check it
Heads up, fire marshal. out.
No, I'm not letting you onto my crime scene. I turned it down.
Okay? All right, fine. Oh! You Captain.
You know what? You're not invited to our next murder. [Chuckles] Oh that's super Super cool.
Good solve on the Herman Avenue burglaries. If we're gonna figure out what happened at Sal's, we've gotta get
Finish up the paperwork as soon as possible. past those firemen.
Your wish is my command. We need access.
No, that was actually a command. How 'bout this? We light a bunch of fires throughout Brooklyn, and
So my command is your command. when the firemen go to "fight the fires," we walk right into Sal's, the
Well, then I guess you still have all three of your wishes. crime scene's ours.
- You're not a genie. Why do we want to start a turf war with the fire department? I feel
- I know that. very uncomfortable saying this to you, but it doesn't seem like it's
Okay. worth it - Unless you think it is.
We're leaving. - I do.
What was the name of the clerk we questioned about the second Like I said, Sal's is an institution, and it's the best pizza in the
burglary? Where do farts go? I was reading Scully's searches. neighborhood.
Hey, why'd you do a search for "magic-themed singles night"? My I'm sorry, Jake, Sal's is only the eighth-best.
last four dates were really boring, so I thought I'd mix things up. I put out a weekly Brooklyn pizza-ranking email blast.
Oh, wow. Sal's has the fourth-best texture, ninth-best crust, twelfth-best
[Laughs] [Poof] Ta-da! Oh, no. cheese, and honestly, they're only seventh in mouth-feel.
What about you? Why were you looking for real estate in "Mouth-feel"? What is that? The inside of your cheeks are very
Ropesburg, New Jersey? Ropesburg P. sensitive.
D. It's like the inside of your thighs, except with a tongue.
Offered me a job as their new police Captain. Ugh, God.
Look, no, Sal's has the secret sauce recipe that puts all the other need to hire a new I.
pizza places to shame. T.
But more importantly, fire marshal Boone is incapable of conducting Director.
a crime investigation. Why don't you and Gina get together on that? I doubt I'll need
All fire marshals are doofuses, but Boone is King doofus of doofus Gina's help.
island. I'm sure she's busy anyway.
Gasoline? I'm pretty sure that's water. Use Gina.
Only one way to tell. She's my assistant, and she has something to offer.
There were more ways to tell. Trust me.
And he's their leader. Man, don't be hacking into my stuff.
Captain, here's the mope who hacked our computer system. (Charles) Uh-oh, Jake, firemen.
His mother turned him in. What are you two doing here? You're a Detective, you detect it out.
His name is Corey Park. Good one, bro.
My name is savant. - I know, bro.
His web handle is "savant. - Yeah, bro.
" His people name is Corey Park. Wow, it's like watching meet the press.
Why'd you target us with your computer virus, Corey? I don't know, Boone reconsidered.
I was bored, and it was easy to break into your weak-ass system. He wants you to take a look at the files.
It was like taking candy from a baby. Well, that's unexpected, but All right, fine, I'll [Laughs] It's not a file,
Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give bro.
candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth! Yes, sergeant, it is It's a doughnut, because you're cops.
unwise to give babies candy. You sure? [Laughs] All right, I don't care if it's not our jurisdiction,
If it's so easy for this gentlemen to break into our system, we may we're solving this.
Would you like me to, uh, file that for you, Jake? Just ask for the Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast? Yeah.
doughnut, Scully? Can I have the doughnut, please? Yes. Okay, we'll start with him, then we'll move on to the rest of your
Thanks. competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.
[Sighs] It's good to see you, Sal. It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings.
I'm so sorry about the fire. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib? No, Charles, we gotta go
I can't believe it's gone, Jakey, all of it. fast.
The pizza oven. Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
The first dollar bill I ever made. No, no bib.
[Tearing up] The 7-up fridge. We're gonna solve this for you, Sal.
Hey, it's gonna be all right. Sit tight.
You'll rebuild. The guy who did the safe in the second apartment, what was his
The fire department's been asking a lot of questions. name? Cone.
Oh, fire department questions. "C" as in "Captain.
Let me guess. " "O" as in "overlooked.
"Uh, what part of my face do I put food in?" "How do you count to " - What? - Nothing.
one?" "What's air?" [Laughs] They think I torched my own place. She said "C" as in "Captain," "O" as in "over" Yeah, I know how to
You know I wouldn't do something like that, right? Yeah, of course. spell cone.
But can you think of anybody who might've done it? I could think of Okay.
ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. So, Ropesburg P.
That jerk Mario comes to mind. D.
We share a delivery radius. - You know someone there? - Nope.
(Charles) Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. So you were looking for a new job? - Nope.
He might've wanted to move up the ladder. - Weird.
They just offered you Captain without considering anyone else? Like A little gasoline fah! A little match.
Scully Because he's got so many years on the force. And poof! No more Sal's.
Hey, guys, I think I put my gun in one of these boxes, and I don't How right am I? The night of the fire, I was at my father's funeral.
know which. Oh My condolences.
You have a problem with me that you want to talk about? Me? No, [Spits] Ugh.
I am just filing evidence, sir. (Charles) Gino This pizza is much better than last time.
Found my gun. You've always ranked dead last in structural integrity and sauce.
It was in my holster. But way more importantly, I did a little research, and it turns out
My holster's on my butt. you did six months in prison for a b&e.
Good solve, Scully. I did.
Mario, this pie needs work. The night of the fire, I was at the prison giving a motivational
Good consistency on the crust, but the cheese-to-sauce ratio is a speech on how parolees can turn their lives around.
travesty. Well, it's good to hear that the system works, and you are
[Spits] Do you have to spit? In a word, yes. welcome.
Amateurs go tasting, they fill up, and they lose their palate by the Have a good one.
third slice. This is a dead end.
I take this very seriously. We've gotta check out that crime scene.
So, Mario Let me tell you what I think happened. Can't.
Your credit card transactions are down by 1/3 in the last six Firemen locked it down.
months. Grab your spit bucket, Boyle.
Meanwhile, over at Sal's, it was a bunch of smiling faces and Those hose monkeys can't stop us.
happy stomachs. Ah, you must be Simon Walker.
One night, you snapped. Have a seat.
It says here you were an I. employee?" That's just gross.
T. I'm sorry, I just have a skootch of gingivitis.
Specialist with the board of ed for two years. So I'm trying to treat that as best I can.
Well, I know my way around a computer, that's for sure. Sorry.
Query: What's your favorite Jay-Z song? I'm sorry? Favorite Jay-Z You seem disgusted.
song? [Chuckles] She's kidding. Here's an itemized list of everything taken from the garden
Hmm. apartment.
No, I'm not. TV, computer "Ster-b-eo"? Uh-oh, spelling error.
What is it? I don't know. That's not very Captain-y.
- I'm sorry about her. Oh, my God, enough.
- Okay. I just think that you meant "stereo," not "ster-b-eo.
What's your experience with cyber-security? Uh, well, I added " Did you mean "ster-b-eo," Captain? That's it.
encryption software But seriously, what's your favorite Jay-Z song? I Get in my car, now.
don't know! Big pimpin'? It's big pimpin'! Mm, wrong answer, friend. And if you say another word, I promise you, you will regret it.
And that's, um, how I got involved in, you know, systems analysis. Aye aye, cap Ow, okay.
I'm sorry. Fine, I regret it.
I'm really nervous. Ah I'll go.
There's no need to be nervous. I'm going.
Yeah, we're all just calm, cool, collected - Wahh! - [Screams] These firemen are not moving.
[Laughs] Oops. We gotta distract 'em.
Was that a little sudden? What would you say is your biggest Tell 'em your little boy's cat got stuck up in a tree.
weakness as an employee? Um I'm sorry, what was the question Ooh, undercover work.
again? He said, "what's your biggest weakness [muffled] As an I love it.
I need more back story. " (Boone) Hello, Peralta.
First off, can it be my daughter's cat? Okay, but if you get made Aah! You looking for something? What is the deal with you and this
because of that, it's on you. second-rate pizza joint? This place is a Brooklyn institution, and I'm
Fine. here because you think Sal did it and you're wrong! He did do it!
Let's talk about the cat. Sal was in financial trouble, he has no alibi, and in cases of arson,
Short-hair, long-hair? Tabby? Short-hair, calico. the owner always did it.
The son is adopted. What's going on, sir? What's going on is that Peralta has screwed
Your wife is in a coma. with me for the last time, and now he's gonna pay.
Oh, that's brutal. Oh, you know what, Boone? Any time you want to [Grunts] Well,
I like it. that escalated fast.
Hey, guys? Guys, I really need your help. [Grunting] (Charles) They're getting nervous, Jake! They're getting
My little boy, Brian, my angel, I bought him a short-haired calico nervous! [Both grunting] Get off him, Boone! You big marshmallow!
after my wife fell into a coma Motorcycle crash. Hey, break it up! Now! Hey, hey, hey! Don't tell my guys what to
And now the cat's stuck in a tree. do! Don't tell me what to tell people what to do! Well, make me not
(Charles) He's a cute kid. do it, tough guy.
Kinda looks like you. Uh-oh.
Handsome guy. [All grunting] Hey, break it up! I apologize, marshal Boone, for
Handsome little guy. Detective Peralta's actions, something I find myself doing quite
Oh, hey. frequently.
Just got locked out, so He doesn't care. In my defense, I was the only one saying we should stop hitting.
[Grunts] Brian was adopted, so he has abandonment issues. Stop hitting them! Kicking them will hurt more! Okay, I'm a
Just struck out at tee-ball last week. reasonable man, so I'm just gonna say this.
Everyone called him "cryin' Brian. Fire Peralta immediately.
He started a fight. I'm sorry that happened to you.
He overstepped his jurisdiction. I mean, what kind of dad just Just leaves his son like that? Look,
And he's obsessed with this pizza place. you're You're a cop and And I'm a firefighter, but underneath all of
What I'm obsessed with is how you're bungling this investigation. it, we're just two boys whose dads abandoned them.
They should write a song about it called welcome to the bungle. And you and I, we're gonna solve this thing, together.
Seriously, why are you dragging Sal's pizza through the mud? That - Okay? - Okay.
place is special. - Okay.
Why's it special? Because it's the best pizza in the neighborhood! - Yeah.
Well According to Charles's email blast, it's actually number eight. But first, let's hug like men.
Captain reads my blast. Oh, boy.
Of course, it's the only one that measures mouth-feel. This is happening.
What, are you kidding right now? This isn't about pizza. [Crying] Captain, get in here.
What's it actually about? When I was a kid, I was shortstop on my There, there.
little league team. There, there.
Oh, my God. There.
It's the truth. I'm coming in.
It's not a brag. [Groans] Oh, Boyle.
My dad was the coach, and after every game, he would take the (Amy) What's going on? Did you drive me out here to kill me? I
team to Sal's. thought about it, but then I put that thought on hold.
Halfway through our last season, he left me and my mom, and the I wanted to show you Ropesburg.
worst part about it was that I couldn't go with him to Sal's anymore. This is Ropesburg? You wanted this offer so badly, I thought I'd
Well, that's certainly not what I expected this to be about. give you a chance at the job.
[Crying] Sorr I'm sorry. Miss Diaz! Are you here to reconsider? We've bought the deputies
bullets, like you suggested. T.
Hi, sergeant. Job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to
No, I'm still not interested. his email every single day forever.
At all. How do you think Professor short fuse is gonna handle that? Fine,
But this is Detective Santiago. what about this guy? Mm, no.
She's one of our top detectives, and she really wants the job. He was scared of everything.
I[Chuckles] Yes. Do you remember Rosa's reaction last time the printer jammed? I'll
Can I ask what happened to the last Captain? He quit to start a pay for that.
carpet cleaning business, because that was better than being Fine, what was with the flossing? Mm, a precinct is a pretty gross
Captain here because this is the most boring place on earth. place, ter-bear.
[Chuckles] She doesn't mean that. There's blood, wounds, Scully's feet.
It's okay. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one.
It's true. Plus, we already have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Gotta be known for something. That punk who hacked us? Precisely.
[Chuckles nervously] So of all the candidates that you interviewed Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength,
today, who do you think I should hire? Well, the interviews got a like Paris Hilton re: Her sex tape.
little off-track. Get to the point.
But I'd go with Simon Walker. Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller
Computer science degree, worked for the board of ed for ten years. and thicker than ever.
That guy? No way. But how can we be sure he won't turn on us? His mom ratted him
He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get out of that snitch's
three times in a row. house.
Why does that matter? Because whoever takes this I. [Laughs] If I had a mic right now, I'd drop it.
There we have it. That's not true.
And here's the file you wanted. Gino's pizza's always been the tastiest.
Well, it's hard to believe I'm gonna say this, because I've spent Wrong.
most of my adult life hating you and everything you stand for, but According to Boyle's email blast, it was downright lousy before.
Thanks. That's what made it so suspicious when he suddenly loved it.
I'm not gonna lie, my therapist is gonna be very proud of me. [Distorted] Much better than last time.
That's weird. [Spits] The crust was charred, the cheese was stringy and
Any reason you can think of one of your guys would've forced this flavorless, but the sauce.
cabinet open while they were putting the fire out? No, no. Oh, Marone, the sauce.
I can't. Continue.
Looks like it was jimmied open with a crowbar. And that was your mistake.
Oh, my God. You didn't just burn Sal's down, you also stole his secret sauce
I know who did it. recipe.
Come on, I'll explain it on the way down. Here's a picture of the cabinet in which said recipe was held.
Wait, wait, wait. Busted open with a crowbar.
I can't believe I'm offering this to a cop, but Do you want to take Look familiar? Also, your so-called motivational speech down at the
the pole down? Oh, my God, yes. prison ended at 5:00 P.
Whee! Let justice be served. M.
- Did you get it? - Uh-huh. , leaving you plenty of time to get back to Sal's and burn it to the
My turn? Nope. ground.
No time. So I guess there's only one thing left to say.
Whoo! We know you burned down Sal's, gino. (Both) Gino Bianucci, you're under arrest - [Clears throat] Excuse
You hated him because his pizza was better than yours. me.
No. We gotta have each other's backs, okay? You saying you have my
- Do you mind? This is my collar I think I can handle this. back? Yeah, I got your back.
If I'm not wrong. Don't smile.
Yeah, but I actually did all the work. I'm still mad at you.
See, I knew you would You know what? Fine. I thought we were having a moment.
Go ahead, I don't care. Moment's over.
Gino Bianucci, you're under arrest for arson. Shut up.
Yes! - Said it first. (Hitchcock) Hey, sarge.
- Real mature. He made my computer smarter.
Very mature. All I have to do is put my thumb on that thing, and it opens up all
Off we go. my electric mails.
So what'd you think of Ropesburg? It's, uh quaint. [Laughs] You seem real smart, man.
It's whack, and you know it. Oh, and look, and you play with toys.
Their number-one crime is tricycle theft. Savant, you're part of the nine-nine now.
There's a bakery attached to the precinct. We look after each other.
Come on, Santiago. Hey, ball, if savant was to do anything to harm this precinct, would
You never would've taken that job, so why'd you even care that I destroy him? Answer uncertain.
they offered it to me? I can't help it. Try again.
I'm competitive. Peralta, fire marshal Boone just called.
I have seven brothers, and I was the only girl. He told me you should check your drawer? Oh, look at that.
I always had to fight for a place at the table. I've been booned.
Well, you're not the only girl at the table anymore. Well, the joke's on him, because I was out of shaving cream.
We work in a police force full of dudes. I see we are once again at war with the fire department.
You are not to retaliate. Boyle tells us that he played Pocahontas in his third grade play.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, sir. All the girls were too big.
In fact, I'm gonna send over a little peace offering: Some of Sal's This is a fun one "Boyle says, 'Gobble, gobble, gobble.
famous sauce. '" Well, now that I know you want me to say that, I'll just say it
Now, Boyle! [Alarm blares] Fire! Fire! Fire! Pleasure working with with two gobbles.
you, Boone. Gobble, gobble Gobble.
Run, Charles! [Laughter] Come on whoa! Get that guy! God, it just sounds right that way.
Ugh.
브루클린 나인나인 episode 10 - Thanksgiving I don't like this game.
Ha! "Boyle objects to Boyle Bingo.
- Happy Turkey Day. " - Come on, guys.
- Yes! Right out of the gate. - Boyle says, "Come on, guys.
What? What's going on? We're playing Boyle Bingo, Thanksgiving " That's two for Terry.
edition. Well, guess what.
Everyone filled out their cards with possible Charles-related I can spoil your little game by sitting over here quietly all day and
scenarios. doing nothing.
First to bingo get 100 bucks. Anybody have "Boyle falls on the floor?" - No one? - That's a
I had "Boyle calls it 'Turkey Day'" on the center square. victory.
"Boyle explains that they ate lobsters at the first Thanksgiving. That's a victory for Boyle.
" They did. Boom! Boyle says, "Boom!" Season 1, Episode 10 "Thanksgiving"
Back in that time, they called lobsters "ocean bugs. Synced by P2Pfiend & Reef Check it out, chair jockeys.
" - And I'll just mark it off for you. While you were busy tickling the ivories on your computers, I was
- I think got the winning card here. doing a bust.
Cocaine! Thanks, Lucius. - Are we singing? - No, no, no, no.
He ran, I pursued. OK That's nice.
Whole thing turned into an awesome car chase. You don't have to I'm not dressing up for your party.
- Aah. Damn it, Boyle.
- NYPD! Come on. You left the fridge open.
Move, move, move. The door couldn't shut because of your empty pizza box.
Hey there, criminal. Pizza? Please.
It's me, Johnny Law. This is a butternut squash and truffle butter flatbread.
Well, at least you're done early, so you have time to go home and Everything's spoiled.
change for my Thanksgiving dinner. My lunch is ruined.
Ugh. My chicken, my potatoes, my pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.
Why do we have to dress up for Thanksgiving. - Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.
I don't even celebrate that stuff. - I love yogurt.
The whole holiday is based on overeating. So this is your lunch for, like, the month? I need to eat 10,000
We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers. calories a day to maintain muscle mass.
Jacket and tie. My wife made me all of this before she left town with the kids.
Rosa's even wearing her formal leather jacket. That was everything in my fridge.
It's the one without any blood on it. - Scully.
You're gonna dress up, and you're gonna give a toast about what - Hey-a, Sarge.
you're thankful for. I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Start preparing. - Oh, no.
Oh, I prefer not to prepare for my toasts. - Where is it? - No, I don't.
I just wing 'em like scat jazz. - Is it in your pockets? Oh, come on.
I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets. I'm gonna give a toast, tell him how thankful I am to have him in
Turn around. the precinct, and officially ask him to be my mentor.
Sarge. Wait, are you only hosting dinner because you wanna suck up to
Sarge! Go limp, Scully. Holt? Not cool.
This is fun. This was supposed to be about friendship.
Release your sweets. You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the
Can I help you, Santiago? Oh, Captain, didn't expect to see you reason I was single, or if it was my personality, like you suspected.
there. Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse.
In my office? So, I just wanted to make sure that you knew about Love the view up here.
the Thanksgiving dinner I'm hosting for the squad after work. Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop.
Yes, I received your "Save the date" decorative gourd, your Same to you, Your Honor.
ornamental cornucopia, and this beautiful handcrafted card of a - Oh, what judge were you talking to? - That was my mother.
turkey wearing a top hat. You call your mom "Your Honor"? She's a federal judge in the
- It's a pilgrim's hat. Ninth Circuit.
- Where's the buckle, Santiago? The buckle. - What else would I call her? - Yeah, okay.
My husband's out of town for work, so of course I will attend your Captain, paperwork is all done on that drug bust.
dinner. - What else you got for me? - Nothing.
Cool. All open cases are assigned.
Whatever. Come on, there's gotta be something I can investigate.
Yeah, don't worry about it, either way. No, there's nothing.
It's not a big deal. All right, well, when there's nothing, there's nothing, you know?
- Yes! - Why so excited? Did you make the cover of "Hair Pulled What can you Whoa! Who did that? Don't worry, sir.
Back" magazine? The captain is coming to my party. I will stay here all night figuring this out.
I know what you're up to here, Peralta. I live alone.
Damn straight. This is my stuff.
I'm trying to catch the mad paper scatterer. - I like quilts.
You want an excuse to skip Santiago's Thanksgiving dinner, - Stop.
because for some reason, you refuse to celebrate this holiday like a Each sentence is getting sadder.
normal person. It looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.
Fine. Well, I gotta say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.
You're right. I mean, the football game's not on, so I can still watch it later at
I wanna do what I do every year - Sit at home, watch football, and home.
eat mayo nut spoonsies. And it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.
Those are spoonfuls of mayo, sprinkled with peanuts. I have to practice my toast.
That's revolting. - God, how long is that? - Eight pages.
Maybe so, but it's what I invented when I was six because my - Single-spaced? - Double-sided.
mom was working, so I had to make dinner for myself. - Santiago style.
My sad story trumps your insult. - Mm-hmm.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake! Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake! Thank you, Boyle. Hey, excuse me.
If a case opens up, it's yours. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself.
But if not, you will be at Santiago's as a professional courtesy. Terry needs nutrients.
Dismissed. No eating until the captain gets here.
From what? I thought we were just chatting. - Okay? Sorry.
We never chat anymore. - Don't apologize.
Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool that you still live with your I'd rather spend Thanksgiving at your house than with my sister.
grandmother. "Things you find a the beach.
" - For "S", I had seagull. It's a garbage holiday.
- Good one, Diana! - Ice cream break. I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I talk about how bogus
- Yay! It's so pleasant and boring. Thanksgiving is.
But, Holt, at your house, surrounded by these idiots? Guaranteed I'll just go.
train wreck. - I actually prepared a little something.
Thanks for the invite. - You did? When I was a little girl, playing cops and robbers
He's here! Okay, he's here, everybody. Excuse me.
Be cool. Please.
Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off? Can't spill food on your Continue, Santiago.
shirt if you're not wearing one. - Or I could wait.
What - Captain Holt. - No waiting, just toasting.
- Happy Thanksgiving. I want you to toast.
Your apartment was very easy to locate. Now I wanna eat toast.
Thank you so much. - Give me some toast! - OK, I'll be right there.
You look beautiful. - I have to head back to the precinct.
Weirdest conversation ever. - No.
Nice work, you two. Why? Someone stole $10,000 from the evidence lockup.
Before we eat, I'd like everyone to go around and say what they're Yes! Oh, awesome.
thankful for this year. - Why is that awesome? - It's a case.
Fine, I'll go first. You said I could hop on any case that came up.
I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. It's a Thanksgiving miracle.
People stuff themselves, and then at midnight they run to appliance Have fun, you guys.
stores and trample each other to death. Let's roll! You'd think that one place money would be safe is a
police station. I am thankful to have someone in my life who gives me a reason
I hear that. to get out of bed every morning.
Remember when Santiago called you beautiful? Yes, that was odd. And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow
We need to get this money back, the exact bills, so the more intimate.
commissioner's office won't make our lives hell. Who are you talking about? Um, Hitchcock.
What is this? Uh, this is Terry dancing. OK, enough is enough.
People do the weirdest stuff in the evidence lockup when they think I'm eatin'.
no one's watching. What's in these? Potatoes, butter, a little milk.
Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
- Wait, wait, wait. Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders.
Stop, stop, stop. Of course they're interchangeable.
- Okay, so here's our money. Yeah.
Fast forward. There were two men released from holding today that were the right
Hold it, hold it, go back. height and weight to be our thief on the security footage.
There's our guy. Even if it is one of them, how will we know? Easy.
Got him. The guy on the footage was left-handed.
Okay, we should start by checking all the perps that were released We just give all of our suspects some made-up form to sign, and
from holding today. see which hand they use.
- Good idea. All right, amigo.
- And if's none of them, we may miss Santiago's altogether. Punch it.
Thanksgiving is dead! Santiago, can we please, please just eat? Good.
What if captain Holt and Jake are coming back? Hang on. Did that.
I have a toast. Now punch it.
Uh-huh. You must be so proud.
Safety first. Yeah, Thanksgiving's over.
Punch it! Okay, see, now I just feel like you're messing with - Everybody go home.
Anyone want seconds? - Can't. We're just We're done hanging out together.
I'm so stuffed. I-I'm not done hanging out.
- Amy, the toilet's overflowing. Let's go to the bar, they serve food there.
- What? Ew! Scully, what did you do? - And the night gets worse - That's a great idea.
better. - Oh, look at that.
- I didn't do it. "Boyle saves Thanksgiving.
Although, I understand why you suspect me. " - Does it really say that? - No.
Well, then who clogged it? So none of you ate anything? Terry, you But it does say, "Boyle believes obvious lie.
said you ate the whole turkey. " Damn it.
Toilet. So what's our strategy here? I'm thinking maybe we could do the
I ate one string bean. whole thing in character.
It tasted like fish vomit. I'll play detective Bart Barley Tightly wound, hates violence against
- That was it for me. animals.
- But I'm a good cook. And you're my partner, Gerald Jimes A man who solved every
You all ate those brownies I brought in last week. crime, but one - The murder of his wife.
- I thought they were erasers. - Peralta, take this seriously.
- Charles said he loved them. I am.
I'm a textbook people-pleaser. As seriously as you're taking the search for the man who killed
I have a serious problem. Jane Jimes.
This was great though. Your only clue? He wore a yellow sweater.
You're considering it. What do you guys want? Sorry to bother you, sir, my partner here
Let's get in there. forgot about a form we need you to sign.
NYPD. What's happening, Donny? What'd you do? I didn't do anything.
What's going on? I'm right in the middle of carving turkey. It's not my fault.
I'm vegetarian. - Same old story.
Eating meat is murder. It's never you, is it? - What did Donny do? I swear, ma, I don't
- I hate violence against animals. know what this is about.
- Bup, bup, bup, bup. - Why won't you ever believe me? - 'Cause I raised a liar.
We overlooked our release form we were supposed to have you - You lie.
sign. - Shut up, ma.
We apologize. Hey, don't talk to ma like that.
Yeah, he's really right-handed. Don't you tell me what to do, Louie! Excuse me.
Let's go. - Hey! - Not the rolls! George, do something.
Look out, bad guys it's Barley and Jimes Barley and Jimes are on Excuse me, if You know, you're gonna get hurt.
the case Please refrain from make believe this time. - Get off now.
Fine. - Get off.
Evening, ma'am. My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater! It's the one
NYPD. case I can't solve.
Barley and Jimes. Don't fight with family.
- We're looking for Donny Romano. It can all go away so quickly.
- Ugh. Sign this? That's a hell of a breakthrough, Jimes.
Come in. I'm proud of you.
Donny, what'd you do? Cops are here. Also, we just caught our man.
- He signed with his right hand. Here we go.
- That's right, he did. Whoosh.
But he didn't do it. - Did it work? - $10 to play.
- He did. - Oh, we're just looking around.
- What? Couldn't help but notice you throwing those rolls with your - $40 just to look around.
left hand, boss. - All right, we'll play.
Not mention, this hoodie matches our security footage exactly. - $15 to play.
You stole that money when you came in to pick up your brother All right.
from holding today, didn't you? - Damn it. - Tommy, can we order some food? - The cook's gone.
- Nice work, Peralta. I sent him home.
- So where's the money now? - It's not here, all right? I bet it all - Do you have any more of these pretzels? - Sure.
on the football game. - I'm gonna call the cook.
- My bookie has it. - Smart.
- Yes! The case continues. Good call.
- This is not good. Hey, rough night? Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.
- Right. Aw, no.
Sorry, Jimes. Aw, Amy, I was ordering a drink called "A Rough Night.
His father was murdered by a bookie. " It's tequila with a nicotine patch.
I know you miss him. Right.
Our perp says the bookie operates out of a hidden back room. How do I get Holt to pay attention to me? He sure spends a lot of
- Try to blend in. time on Peralta.
- Good idea. Maybe I should start screwing up, like Jake does.
I'll just age myself 60 years, become Chinese and female. - I can act out too, you know? - Please do.
Okay. food in the office.
Watch this. I knew it! Where? Where? - Sarge, am I too heavy? - No.
Oops. Where is it? - There, the one with the water stain.
Out All of you. - There's a lot of food up there? Yeah, it's a smorgasbord.
- But the cook is coming back. - I think the rats got to it.
- Out! Fine! But I'm taking these olives. - You think? This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
Sorry. Okay, it's over.
Happy Turkey Day. Now.
I think I'm getting the hang of this. No, this will not be our Thanksgiving.
These tiles are either game pieces or candy. All right, you all wait here.
Game pieces. Give me an hour.
Here we go. Terry, to the door.
I think I just won. I'm just gonna put you down, man.
The guy by the bathroom seems very interested in the commotion Yeah, totally.
you just made. That makes sense.
Yeah, and he's been waiting for the toilet since we got here. That makes sense.
Ten-to-one that's not a bathroom, and he's a lookout. Hey, there.
- Let's go. Bathroom? There's another one upstairs, over there.
- You got it. Oh.
Ahh, I'm gonna just cash out. Never mind.
- There is nothing here. Let's go.
- Don't worry, guys, I found food. - What, it's really a bathroom? - No, no, no.
Are you eating packing peanuts? Okay, I do keep a secret stash of There's tons of illegal stuff happening in there.
But they're watching the football game and I DVR'd it. My dad was gone.
- I don't wanna see the score. And I sat at home, watching football.
- What? Okay, fine. Look, Jake.
We'll go get the stolen money. I came from a very formal family.
NYPD. My parents were not especially affectionate.
Freeze. Really? "Your Honor" wasn't a big snuggler? But the beauty of
Change the channel and then freeze. being an adult is that you can make a new family with new
Put it down! Put it down, put it down. traditions.
This is a weird request, but will you switch places with me? I really Well, that's nice, captain, but I don't have a new family yet, so I
don't wanna see the score. guess I'm stuck with my awesome old traditions.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Thank you. I'll tell the squad you couldn't make it.
That's so much better. Thank you.
Oh! Why are there so many TVs in here? Thank you. Before you go, can I borrow some money? I'm getting some pretty
The money was still in the bookie's safe. serious vibes from Wendy over there, and I'd like to take her
All the numbers match. someplace special.
- Let's head back to Santiago's party. Hey.
- Ah, no thanks. What are y'all doing here? Amy broke everything and got us kicked
I think I'm gonna head home and watch the football game, which out of the bar.
was ruined for me! What's your problem with celebrating Then we got attacked by rats.
Thanksgiving? It's a sucky holiday. It's the best Thanksgiving ever.
It's always sucked. Fascinating.
My mom worked. Happy Turkey Day.
Right through there, gentlemen. For turkey, we have the Peking duck with a veggie samosa stuffing.
Not a lot of places are open, so this will be a multiethnic, The potatoes are the empanadas with an Ethiopian lentil stew
nontraditional Thanksgiving. gravy.
It's a real culinary challenge. And for dessert, some seasonal gelatin cups.
Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast. Okay, I ran out of money.
Make it five. They're from when Hitchcock got his colonoscopy.
You eat with your eyes, so the plating alone Five, Boyle! - Captain? Bon appétit.
- Hm? I wanna tell you something. I'm here, I'm here.
I think you're Like, when I was a little girl You think I'm like when Finally something to actually be thankful for.
you were a little girl? - Forget it. - What are you wearing? - Santiago said to dress up, so Well, you
The moment's passed. look beautiful.
- Is this about your toast? - How'd you get that? - Gina gave it to That's my thing now.
me. I'm just owning it.
It's very well-written. Okay.
There are several compelling anecdotes. Before we eat - Nope, not doing that again.
Good work. Move.
I do feel, however, the word choice could've been improved in - Could you pass the, uh You get that hand near me again, you're
spots. gonna lose it.
I marked them "Awk" for "Awkward. Okey-doke, let's eat.
" That was the best thing anyone's ever said to me. Hey, thanks for giving a copy of my toast to Holt.
"I marked them 'Awk' for 'Awkward'?" It's advice. - That was nice of you.
He's mentoring me. - Oh, you're welcome.
Yes! So this is kind of a play on your typical Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, you don't have to get so freaked out around him.
You were just trying to tell him you respect him.
Okay.
But, to be honest, I kinda gave it to him as a prank, 'cause I
thought it would be super embarrassing for you.
But I'm happy it worked out.
But I would've been happy if you hated it.
But I'm happy you didn't.
So, you pretty much got the disaster night you were hoping for?
Yeah, till you made the best Thanksgiving meal I've ever had and
ruined it.
Excuse me! Uh, so, earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast
because I didn't know what to say.
But, since that time, a wise, unsmiling man named Gerald Jimes
made me realize what I am thankful for.
So, I'd just like to say I'm happy to be here With my family.
My super-weird family, with two black dads and Two Latina
daughters and two white sons and Gina, and I don't know what you
are Some strange giant baby? - To the Nine-Nine! - To the
Nine-Nine! That was perfect.
Uh, Boyle cries! I got Boyle Bingo! - No - Yeah! Synced by
P2Pfiend & Reef