Dear Father,

It’s been 9 years, 4 months and 16 days since you are gone. That is 82 198.2525 hours according
to Google, but it seems like a lifetime to me. I'd like to write a letter to you. I have to do it. I want you to
know that just because I don't talk about you or blot out a lot of my memories doesn't mean I didn't
care about you. I adore you, just too much, and I can't bear admitting the truth. I'm not sure I can even
compose it.

I'm missing you terribly. I want to see my father again. I want that big strong happy guy to come
back through that door and cover me in his arms again, telling me everything is going to be okay,
believing in me, having faith in me, and seeing me today changed. Your youngest daughter is now 19
years old; when I lost you, I was just 9 years old. I was just too young to let you go. What upsets me is
that it reminds me of your death. It's been difficult for me to process your loss, and I'm completely numb
to the situation back then. I understand that life isn't always fair, but I'm particularly confused by how
things went with you and your illness. You had a heart attack, I'm terrified. How did you manage to leave
us without warning? I recall my mother cooking in the kitchen when I was playing in our room at the
time. I heard a lot of noise and footsteps. Then I see a couple of guys carrying you to our house through
the window. I had no idea what was going on at the time. My uncles and aunts are in tears. They're all in
tears. Just to realize that you have died.

I sometimes wake up thinking this is a nightmare and that you aren't really gone. I look up at the
night sky and make a wish on the brightest star I see, which I believe is you. Dad, I want to tell you how
much you meant to me. In many ways, you were the ideal father. I'm sorry I never told you how much I
love you. Yet I knew you cared about me, and I cared a lot about you. It's been extremely difficult for
you to deal with the loss of your father. I've cried and wept uncontrollably at times. I've wanted to kiss
or hug you for a long time. Then the reality hits me that I can’t do that anymore. That is beyond difficult
for me.

Even though you are no longer with us, father, I can still feel your hug when I close my eyes. I
can still see your face and feel your love although I can’t hear your voice anymore. In my laughter, smile,
tears, and writing, you're still with me. Father you will always have a special place in my heart. That is a
thought I will cherish until the day I die. I hope you don't have any more misery or pain. I'm hoping
you're happy in heaven with your mother and father. And I'm certain that I'll see you again one day. My
feelings for you are heavy. It has the same power in death as it does in life. Although I must let go of you
physically, I will never let go of you emotionally, Father. I adore you so much. You were a wonderful
father.  An ideal husband. A responsible son. You were all of those things, Dad, and you still are in many
respects. Regardless of this, you will always be my father to me.

Tay, I love you and will always love you.

Sincerely,
Rachel Ann