There Were Times I'd Wonder (Could I Have Eased Your Pain) (Clexa)

There Were Times I'd Wonder (Could I Have Eased Your Pain)
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/7862560.
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/F
Fandom: The 100 (TV)
Relationship: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100)
Character: Clarke Griffin, Lexa (The 100), Costia (The 100), Anya (The 100), Ella-
Original Character (Clexa Baby)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, clexa baby, Past Drug Addiction,
Domestic Fluff, Married Clarke Griffin/Lexa, First Love, Light Angst,
Parent Lexa, Parent Clarke, Clexa-Endgame, Established Relationship,
Clexa family
Series: Part 1 of There Where Times I'd Wonder
Stats: Published: 2016-08-25 Completed: 2016-10-11 Chapters: 6/6 Words:
15897
There Were Times I'd Wonder (Could I Have Eased Your Pain)
by LostInMyThoughts
Summary
Lexa is back in her hometown visiting her family when she runs into the last person she
ever expected to see again. Now she has to decided whether or not she wants to leave the
past in the past or dig it up to see if she can find the closure she never thought she'd be able
to achieve.
Notes
Just a little something to get me back into the writing process. I've been all about Clexa for
a while haha...so this kind of just became what it is. Hope you enjoy it, feel free to leave
comments/questions or anything on your mind really. :)
Warning, not the best with grammar...so please excuse any mistakes!
(P.s - Title is a line from Kelly Clarkson's song "Save You")
Anyway Thanks for reading!
See the end of the work for more notes

Chapter One.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Lexa…?”
I stop dead in my tracks when I hear my name. When I hear that voice say my name. A voice that’s
haunted my dreams for years. A voice I never wanted to hear ever again all while praying that one
day I would be able to hear it once more. Maybe I’ve misheard. My breath quickens but my entire
body is frozen to the spot. The only thing I can feel is my heart racing in my chest.
“Lexa, is that you?”
There it is again. Any hope if it being in my imagination slips away as I hear someone approaching
me. I plead with my body to start moving forward. Pretend like I heard nothing. My car is just
another row down in the parking lot and I’m pretty sure I can make it there before they reach me.
My feet, however, betray me and turn my body to face the person calling out to me. My eyes find
hers and my breath catches in my throat. Slowly, and hesitantly my body continues to go against
me and before I know what I’m doing I start towards the other women. My eyes leave her gaze and
run over her entirely. There are some small changes like her hair, which is now shorter. And then
there are significant changes like her eyes, beaming and full of life. Her figure, full and healthy.
But, what stands out most, is her confidence. She stands tall as she walks toward me. This is not the
girl I had known. No, this is not the sad, defeated girl with the lifeless eyes that I walked away
from many years ago.
“Costia...hi.” I choke out. Not trusting my voice to say much else.
“Wow...it’s been-”
“Seven years.” I cut her off. It has been seven years since I turned my back on her.
“Yeah, I suppose it has been.” She whispers softly.
I can see that she is feeling as awkward as me and it comforts me. Even with all this confidence I
see in her, she is still nervous talking to me.
“Wow... I mean- you’re the last person I expected to see today.” She looks back into my eyes. All I
can do is nod in agreement as my mind thinks the same. I can see her start to second guess calling
out to me as she takes a few steps back. “Are you living in town again?” She asks, and I shake my
head before looking down to my feet. “Oh.” I hear her say and I know I have to say something
more.
“Just visiting.” I struggle to speak as my mind and my heart battle it out as to whether I should ask
her the one question that I want to ask her. Too afraid to know the answer because either way it
would send my head into a whirlwind. But, as if she could sense this internal struggle she speaks
up again.
“I’m clean...if you’re wondering.” A staggered breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding
escapes my lips and a small chuckle comes from hers. It was soft, barely there even but, it was her
laugh. “six years to the day actually.” she adds.
“Tha- I…” I try to find the right words but settle with, “That’s great.” I give her a small smile as I
look her over once more. “You look good Costia.” She smiles and takes my compliment.
“Thanks.”
We seem to settle into a short silence and I try and think of something to say. Not sure if I’m trying
to find an escape or an excuse to speak with her longer. But, before I manage to come up with
anything I feel my phone buzzing in my back pocket. Pulling it out I look at the caller ID and then
look back up to Costia.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.” She nods, as I turn around for the illusion of privacy. “Hey...Yeah,
I’m just leaving now...Sure, I’ll stop on my way back...How is she feeling?..” I can feel Costia’s
eyes on me and I turn back around catching her stare before she turns her head away. “Okay, well
tell her I love her and I’ll be there soon...I love you too.” I shove my phone back into my pocket
and she looks back towards me. “Sorry, my daughter-”
“You have a daughter?” She cuts me off before I can explain the phone call. I smile and pull my
phone back out to show her the picture on my lock screen. In the picture the little girl wears a big
smile as my wife holds her, both of them in oversized bright yellow rain ponchos.
“She‘s three. That’s her with my wife on her third birthday.” I smile to myself at the memory.
“Clarke, my wife, insisted we take her to the zoo even though it was raining. She loves animals.”
“She’s beautiful. She looks just like you.” She says handing back the phone.
“Thanks,” I smile and slide the phone into the pocket I’d originally pulled it from. I’m grateful to
have the conversation move to Ella, as I could talk all day about her. “She is Clarke’s daughter in
every other way though. They’re two peas in a pod.” I can’t help the grin that takes over my face as
I talk about the two most important people in my life. My family. But, then I realize who it is I’m
talking to and my mind starts it’s spinning again. “Um, I should really get back to them.” She nods
in understanding but her eyes betray her. I can see she’s not ready to say goodbye. “You really do
look good.” I say shifting my body to start heading back the opposite way but I take one more
pause looking at her. “I’m proud of you Cos.” And with that I walk away.
“Lexa, wait,” I hear her make up the few steps I’d taken and when I turn around she is next to me
again. Before I have time to react her arms are wrapped around my neck. It surprises me but I
quickly recover and wrap my arms around her. After only a moment she lets go and takes a few
steps back.
“Do you think we could go for lunch? Or coffee or something?” She asks. “Catch up and
maybe…” her words trail off as I watch her struggle to finish her thought. “...maybe get some
closure.” Closure. My mind repeats her last word. This was something I never imagined getting
when it came to Costia. In fact, I had found closure in the fact that I’d never have closure with her.
And now the opportunity has presented itself and I find myself retreating. Wanting to run away
from all the unsettling emotions that are bound to come with it.
“I don’t think-” I start but she quickly cuts off my words, clearly sensing the fact that I was going
to turn her down.
“Please,” She begs, her eyes fill with both sadness and hope as they stare straight into mine. “Just
at least think about it.” I watch as she reaches into her purse and pulls out her wallet to search
through its contents. “Here,” She reaches her hand back out to me with what looks to be a business
card in between her fingers. “It has my cell so you can call me or text me, I’m pretty free all week.”
I nod and slip the card into my pocket. “Think about it.” She says again, with another small smile
and then she turns and walks away. I watch her for a few seconds before turning to walk towards
my own car. I feel a slight twinge of guilt for not turning her offer down right then and there. There
was no need for me to think about her invite. I wouldn’t be calling her.
Chapter End Notes
Thanks for reading! Please let me know your thoughts and feelings...if you want. No
pressure :) Also you can find me here (writtenletterstoyou.tumblr.com) on
tumblr...I"m trying to use it more so feel free to reach out! :)
Chapter Two.
Chapter Notes
Glad people enjoyed the first chapter! Lot's of Clexa in this next one :)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Seven years ago I packed everything I owned into my truck and left the town that I grew up in
without ever looking back. My mother had asked me not to go but, she didn’t push the matter. She
knew that I had to leave. If for nothing else then for my own sanity. I’ve been back since then of
course. But, this was the first time I’d ever run into Costia.
Standing at my parents kitchen counter, I replay the memory of leaving town as I sip at the freshly
poured glass of whiskey resting in my hand. A glass I think I more than deserve. My eyes fixate on
the business card resting on the countertop when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I
instantly relax into my wife’s embrace, eyes shutting as she lays a few soft kisses down my neck.
“I didn’t even hear you come in.” She whispers into my ear. “Ella is asleep for the moment. We
took a cool shower to try and bring her fever down.” She explains resting her chin on my shoulder.
“My poor baby.” I sigh, bringing my glass back up to my lips. Leave it to our daughter to get an ear
infection the week we visit my family.
“Uh, oh...whiskey?” She asks knowingly. I only nod before she turns me around in her arms. “Do
you want to talk about it?” I nod again and leave quick kisses on each of her cheeks and one
lingering one on her lips. “And kisses?” she giggles.
“No, those aren't whiskey kiss, those are just because I love you.” I smile and rest my forehead
against hers. “I love how you just know me.”
“Well the whiskey is a dead give away love.” She’s right. I only drink whiskey on two occasions;
when I’m stuck inside my head or when I’m feeling broken. On most occasions it’s the former but
honestly, right now I think I’m a little bit of both. “But, had I seen those eyes first,” she states
pulling back from me, “I still would have known. So what’s got you stuck in your head so bad.”
She unwraps her arms from me and grabs the whiskey from my hand taking a small sip for herself.
My lips slightly turn up as her face scrunches and she hands me back the glass. She has never liked
whiskey but it’s cute that she tries.
“I ran into Costia while I was out getting Ella’s ear drops.” A long sigh escapes from my mouth
and the whiskey is back at my lips.
“Costia? As in THE Costia?” She asks, her eyebrows raising slightly.
“That’s the one.” I confess, tears threatening to fall as my wife reaches around me to grab the bottle
of whisky still sitting on the counter.
“Oh boy.” She sighs, and refills my glass. She knows all about Costia. She knows that she was my
high school sweetheart, my first love. She knows that I watched on as I was slowly and then
quickly replaced with drugs. She knows that it nearly killed me to walk away from her and that
everyday for years I expected THE phone call to come that told me she had overdosed. But, I think
most importantly, she knew that eventually this day was going to come. Even if I didn’t.
At this point, the whiskey has warmed my body and I can feel myself on edge, ready to fall apart
from the overwhelming encounter. Emotions have never been my thing but even I have a tipping
point that threatens to just spill it all out. I can see the questions in my wife’s eyes but she stays
silent and patiently waits for me to explain.
“She’s been clean for six years.” I choke out, unable to hold back the tears any longer. “To the day
of all days. Like, what does that mean? Why THIS day?” Her hands meet my cheeks and wipe the
silent tears that have fallen.
“That’s something only she can tell you Lex.” My lips tremble as I take another sip of the drink.
“She wants me to call her and meet up for lunch or coffee in hopes to find some closure.” I explain
turning slightly to grab the card from the counter to hand her. “But I’m not going to.” I say flat out.
“Why not, It could be good for you both.” She looks over the card. “She is a social worker.” She
states, handing the card back to me. “Seems like she’s come along way from being the girl you
told me about.” I take the card and look over her title. All that time I had been staring at the card, I
hadn’t actually been looking at it. A social worker seemed fitting for her. Shaking my head I throw
the card back onto the counter behind me.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want it to cause any problems and we‘re only here for
three more days. Why dig up a past I tried so hard to bury.”
“Would it?” she asks curiously. Her eyes focusing in on mine.
“What?”
“Would it cause us problems?” I can hear a sudden sadness in her voice. And I quickly realize
what I’d said.
“No, God no.” I sigh and place my glass onto the counter before turning back to my wife running
my hands up and back down her arms. “That’s not what I meant.” I take her face into the palms of
my hands and smile, “that’s not what I meant.” I say again in a whisper.
“She was your first love.” She says softly and I bring her forehead to mine once again before
rubbing my nose softly against hers making her smile.
“She was, but you are my true love...my last love.” I lean down and place a whisper of kiss onto
her lips before our daughter's voice calls out from the bedroom.
“Mummy?” I smile and laugh at the little girls perfect timing. “Okay, well, maybe not exactly my
last love.” We both chuckle and I lean in for another kiss, this time lingering before pulling back
and whispering. “I’m yours forever or for as long as you’ll have me. You have to know that.”
“I choose forever.” my wife whispers back to me and I can’t help but smile.
“Perfect.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “Now excuse me while I attend to my last love.” I turn towards
the room that holds our daughter.
I can’t help but smile as I catch sight of the little girl. Lying on her knees, face down in the pillow
and butt up in the air. From time to time Clarke and I would catch her sleeping like this and laugh
quietly to ourselves. We’ve always questioned how on earth she falls asleep in the strange position.
As soon as she hears me walk in the room her head pops up and she gives me her famous little
pout.
“Hey pretty girl, how are you feeling?” I ask and sit on the edge of the bed letting her crawl into
my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and brings her head to rest against my chest. My heart
melts and I rub gentle circles on her back in an attempt to comfort her.
“It hurts.” she says softly.
“Can you show me where it hurts?” I ask her looking down to see her point to her ear quickly
before bringing her hand back to my neck. I look up to the doorway where my wife stands and
watches. “I’m sorry it hurts baby. Mummy got you some medicine that is going to make it feel
better okay?” The little girl shakes her head and holds onto me tighter. We have always had to fight
with her to take any kind of medicine. I look up to Clarke pleading for some help. It’s been an
unexpected emotional day and I just didn’t have it in me to fight with a sick three year old.
“You should know better than to say m-e-d-i-c-i-n-e by now.” She sighs, spelling out the word so
little ears don’t hear it again. “Hey Ella-bean, it’s going to make you feel a lot better and if you
take it mummy will lay with you.” She winks at me as she opens up the ear drops I’d picked up
from the pharmacy. The small bribe doesn’t work but instead brings on the tears.
“Nooo,” the little girl cries. “It’s yucky.” The small cries quickly escalate into full on hysterics.
“Maybe we should just stay in with her tonight.” I say, now rocking my daughter to try and settle
her. “We can do dinner another night and honestly I’m not in a celebratory mood after everything
today.” Clarke gives me a sad smile but nods in understanding as she runs her fingers through the
tiny brunettes hair.
“I’ll go let your parents know we are staying in and we don’t need them to watch her. I’ll be right
back.” She hands me the dropper and turns out of the bedroom.
“Okay baby, look this kind goes in your ear so it doesn’t taste yucky. Can mummy please do it? I
promise I will be super fast! And then both me and mama will stay and lay with you.” I huff in
frustration when she brings her hands to cover her ears but after a little more coaxing and
pretending to drop some in my ear, I’m finally able to get the drops in the little girl’s ear.
When Clarke returns a little while later she lays next to Ella and places a kiss on the top of her
head. A little hand immediately grabs at her t-shirt to pull her in and make sure she keeps my
promise of the both of us lying with her. After the tiny tantrum over medicine it doesn’t take long
for the three year old’s breathing to even out signalling that she has fallen asleep.
“You okay Lex?” Clarke asks softly.
I sigh and close my eyes, running my hand through my hair. “Yeah, just not the day I was
expecting. And definitely not how I thought it would end.”
“Yeah same. There is a lot less wine, a lot more clothes, and a tiny extra human that I hadn't
foreseen.” Clarke pouted. “But I promise I will make it up to you.”
“I’ll hold you to that promise. And she may be tiny but you’d never know by the way she’s
sprawled out on this bed. I laugh looking down to the sleeping toddler who was lying on her back
head tilted towards her Mama. Each hand had a tight grip on either mine or Clarke’s shirt and her
legs were thrown diagonally so that little feet were digging into my hip.
“I’ll put her in the other room.” Clarke says getting ready to get up and scoop the little girl into her
arms. I quickly reach out to her and wrap my arm around her waist to stop her from moving. She
smiles at me knowingly.
“Let her stay with us tonight.”
“Okay,” she says and runs her fingers over my arm. Her thumb runs soothingly over my skin
before she leans over the sleeping little girl nestled between us. I follow her lead and meet her in
the middle our lips coming together softly. “Happy Birthday Love.” She whispers to me before
lying back down.
Chapter End Notes
Chapter 3
Chapter Notes
The next morning I wake up to small fingers tapping against my cheeks and can’t help but smile. I
open one eye to see both of Ella’s staring back at mine. I can't help but feel a little egotistical in
thinking that they are the most beautiful eyes in the universe because Clarke is constantly saying
how unfair it is that our daughter was born with my eyes. "I have no power over either of you once
you look at me with those eyes." She would say.
“Hi, mummy.” The little girl whispers.
“Hi, bean.” I smile back pressing my finger to her little nose. “How are you feeling?”
“All better, no more yucky stuff.” Ella insists moving her hands to cover her ears just to be sure
nothing could be put in them. I can hear Clarke chuckle on the other side of the bed but her eyes
stay closed. She had been up several times during the night with our daughter and I know she must
be exhausted.
“Nice try kiddo, why don’t we be very quiet and go see if we can find us some breakfast? We can
let Mama sleep a little longer.”
“Okay,” she whispered in agreement before turning around and placing a soft kiss on Clarke’s
forehead. She moves her lips to Clarke’s ear and I have to lean in a little to hear her whispers, “We
gonna be quiet Mama, you stay here and sleep.” She pulls away and I can see a big smile on
Clarke's face as she fights to hold in her laughter. I shake my head and hold my arms out to Ella to
help her off the bed before leaning back down to my wife.
“Go back to sleep baby,” I whisper against her lips, closing the distance for a kiss of my own.
“Mhmm, I love her.” Clarke smiles.
“Just her?” I ask my lips turning upwards just slightly.
“You’re okay too.”
“I see how it is.” I laugh, stealing one last kiss before turning out of the room and finding our
daughter waiting patiently in the kitchen.
“Gram and Gramp aren’t up yet either?” She questions.
“Nope, just me and you. We are the morning people in this family.” I wink and pick her up to place
her in a chair at the counter, pushing it in to keep her from falling. Once I’m sure she isn’t going
anywhere I turn back to the other side of the counter and get a pot of coffee brewing. Opening the
fridge I quickly scan things over and pull out the box of eggs and some fruit. I’d be lucky if I got
her to eat the eggs but fruit is always a sure thing. “Strawberries or blueberries?” I ask her. As she
thinks she brings her finger up to her lips and scrunches her face up in serious thought. This she
learned from Clarke 100 percent and just like Clarke, she always ends up choosing strawberries.
“I pick Strawberries.” She proclaims. I don’t know why I even bothered to ask her, she really is her
Mamas daughter. I quickly cut up a handful of strawberries and put them in a bowl for her to have.
As I scramble up some eggs for the both of us I notice the business card still sitting on the counter.
My eyes scan it again quickly from my spot in front of the stove. Costia had been in foster care for
several years when she was little and had always said she wanted to help kids like her. When we
would talk about where we wanted to be once we were older she always choose a path that would
let her help in some way. I can't help but feel proud of her for getting there.
Once the eggs are finished I throw a little in a bowl for Ella and the rest on a plate with some
strawberries for myself and place them both on the counter before walking over to grab a coffee
mug.
"What do you think bean, should mummy go see her old friend?” I ask pouring myself a cup of
coffee. I mumble the rest of my thought under my breath. “Even though she walked away pretty
much knowing she was leaving her to die.”
“Yes! Even if she is old...she is still your friend mummy!” The little girl reasoned. One hand
rubbing her ear while the other held a strawberry.
“I thought your ears were all better?” I smirk moving her hand away from her ear.
“This isn't about my ears mummy. This is about your friend.” She states, popping the berry in her
mouth.
“Okay mini Clarke.” I laugh “how about some scrambled egg too.” I push the bowl closer to her
but she shakes her head. Before I'm able fight her on it the front door opens.
“Hellooo, I heard there was a princess in town.” Ella’s eyes light up at the sound of my sister's
voice coming from down the hall.
“Sorry Anya you're a little early and Clarke is still in bed.” I called back as she turned the corner.
“Clarke is far from a princess” Anya scoffs. “This little ham however.” She smiles and cups the
little girl's cheeks giving her a big kiss. “Is definitely princess material.”
“I'm not a princess auntie, I'm a warrior!” She claims making a fist to show her strength. Okay,
maybe she does have a little me in that big personality of hers.
“Oh, my mistake.” Anya smiles throwing her hands up in the air to surrender before crossing the
kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee.
“You're here early. Everyone is still sleeping.” I sip from my coffee as she pulls the cream out of
the fridge. My eyes glance over to the card sitting not far from the coffee pot. "shit," I think to
myself and just hope that she doesn't notice it.
“I figured you'd be up.” She smiles leaning against the side of the counter opposite of Ella and I.
“Ya well...hard to break the habit when your older sister would wake you up at 4am every morning
for years to keep her company on 2 mile runs.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Your welcome.” She winked. “And I'm here because I want to spend time with my sister and her
family. Oh and also…” She turned and reached for the business card, slamming it down in front of
me. “I got a heads up about this.”
“Clarke.” I grumble through my teeth.
“Yep, she thought it’d be easier for you to talk to me about it then to talk to her. Since I was around
for that shitstorm and she wasn't.”
“Auntie!” The three year old gasps. “That's a bad word!”
“Sorry prin- I mean warrior child.” Anya laughs and I just shake my head.
“I forgive you, but you still have to go to time out. That's the rules.” I nod taking another sip of my
coffee.
“She's right, those are the rules.” I agree and help my daughter down from the chair. I watch as she
walks around and grabs Anya's hand.
“I don't know how old you are so I'll just use my time out time.” She leads Anya to the designated
time out chair in my parent's house and I quickly follow behind. She points to the chair and Anya
sits down looking at me like this was ridiculous. “You have to sit here for three minutes.”
“Lexa…” Anya starts but the little girl cuts her off.
“Nope! No talkin’ in the chair. Mummy you can time her?” I nod my head and look at my watch.
Not even a minute later a bedroom door opens and Clarke walks out into our sight. When she sees
Anya her eyes go wide and she goes to turn back into the bedroom. I quickly make my way over to
her stopping her from hiding out.
“I don't think so Clarke Giffin!” I whisper against her ear and grab her waist to push her back
toward the living room. “Ella! Mama was fresh too...you know what to do.” I watch as our
daughter crosses her arms and let's out a huff.
“Mama...you know better! Please sit next to auntie and no talking for three minutes!” I raise my
eyebrow and smirk as my wife and my sister glare at me.
“I'm going to shower,” I say as I take off my watch and squat down to Ella's height. “You're in
charge until they are out of time out.” I hand her the watch and point to the minute hand. “You see
this long line?” I ask and she nods. “When it's over the 6, that's this number here. Then their time
out is over.”
“Got it.” She smiles.
When I get out of the shower Anya is sitting on the bed waiting for me. I can see Costia’s business
card sitting between her fingers and let out a sigh as I throw myself down to lay next to her. I knew
that as soon as I got out of the shower I was going to have to have this conversation with my older
sister.
“How was the rest of your time out?” I smile. “Did you learn your lesson?” I look to my side as
Anya lays back on the bed to join me.
“She is lucky she is so stinkin’ cute. I haven’t had a time out since we were kids.”
“Ya,” I sigh. “Sometimes I think Clarke and I let her get away with more then she lets us get away
with.” I roll my eyes and Anya shakes her head and hands me the business card.
“Wanna tell me about yesterday?”
“No.”
“Will you please tell me about yesterday.” Anya rephrased.

“I had convinced myself that I was never going to see her again.” I admitted.
“And now that you have?” Anya asked and waited for my response but nothing came to my mind.
“I think you should meet to talk with her.” Anya added.
“Did you know she was clean?” I asked her, my eyes closing to try and hide the vulnerability that I
felt. I open them again and look towards her when she doesn't answer.
“I did.” She let out hesitantly.
“Anya...How long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me Anya.” I asked leaning up on my
elbows as she sat back up.
“I’ve known for a long time. But it wasn’t my place to tell-”
“How was it not your place to tell me the girl I loved was clean!”
“She wasn’t ready for you to know. I wasn’t going to betray her trust in me.”
“Her trust? You’re MY sister! What about my trust!” I could see that this was a hard choice for my
sister but it didn’t mean that I had to agree with it.
“Lexa, When I found out you had already met Clarke. I could already tell how good she was for
you. I didn’t want to ruin that for you. So I made my choice and I don’t regret.” I sat up and leaned
forward resting my head on my hands and elbows on me knees. “And what if she didn’t stay clean?
How many times before that had she told us she was going to get clean and two weeks later she
was using worse than she had been.”
I had met Costia in elementary school. She was my best friend years before she was my girlfriend
and my entire family took to her just as I did. They loved her as if she always belonged with us.
Anya had even called Costia her little sister. Her drug addiction hadn't only hurt me but it hurt our
entire family. Anya was around for it all and Costia broke promises to Anya just as much as she
broke them to me.
“Did Mom and Dad know.” I ask looking back to her and she didn’t have to answer because I could
see it written all over her face.
“They knew.”
“Un-fucking-believable.” I shake my head and stand up. I had to get out of this room and away
from my sister. I had to get away from this house.
“Lexa!” I turn and give her one last word before I walk out the bedroom door. “I think you should
talk with her.”
“Fuck off Anya.” With that I slammed the door shut behind me and walked towards the front door
of the house. I walk past Clarke and Ella coloring together on the kitchen table and Clarke stands
up ready to follow me. “Don’t.” I plead and walk out the door.
Chapter End Notes
Chapter Four.
Chapter Notes
I shiver and wrap my arms further around myself for any extra warmth. The early fall morning is
just cool enough that I’ve been comfortable in my tee shirt but after 20 minutes of sitting on the
front porch, that bite in the air is getting to be a little too much. Still I'm too stubborn to go back
inside, not quite ready to face Anya after her confession.
Another cool breeze rushes past me and I almost decide on going back into the house before I hear
the front door open. Clarke. She held out longer than I expected her too. Taking a seat next to me
she holds out the bottle of whiskey I'd bought the night before. I furrow my eyebrows confused
since it’s only eight o’clock in the morning and she sighs.
“Ya, I suppose it’s too early for this.” She cracks a smile and sets the bottle on the step beside her.
Without hesitation I lean down and rest my head upon her knees. I close my eyes in content as I feel
her fingers start to comb through my hair.
“Where's Ella?” I ask playing with the fringe lining the hole in the knee of her jeans.
“Laying down in the living room with Anya. They’re watching Frozen.”
“Oh.” I sigh.
“Lexa, this...” Her other hand moves to my back and I can feel the warmth of it come through my
shirt. “I don't know what to do here.”
“How's she feeling? She was rubbing her ears earlier.” I ask, avoiding Clarke’s last words and the
whole ridiculousness that this vacation has become.
“She's okay, still touching her ears. I gave her more medicine hopefully that will help.”
“I wish there was something more I could do for her. She is so little.” I turn my head and bury my
face into Clarke’s stomach wrapping my arms around her waist.
“Kids get sick. You can't protect her from everything.” She pauses but then adds on to her thought.
“Not that it has ever stopped you before.”
It's true, ever since Ella was born I've done everything necessary to protect her from anything that
could harm her. That includes covering any outlets and child proofing all cabinets when she was
only a month old. Clarke had laughed at me saying we still had plenty of time before she would be
moving around on her own but, I didn't want to take any chances.
“I hate seeing her suffer.” I mumble into her shirt and she pushes me back to look into my eyes that
still actively try and avoid hers.
“She’ll be fine Lexa, I'm more worried about you.” I finally submit to her gaze and it’s a mistake
because her words are only magnified there.
“How did she get Anya to watch Frozen with her? She can't stand that movie.” Clarke closes her
eyes and sighs. I know she knows what I'm doing.
“Lexa, we’ve come too far for you to start this shit again. Please just talk to me.” I sit up fully and
wrap my arms back around myself.
“Do you remember the first night we met?” I ask her.
“Lexa…” I can see she is getting worried and slightly agitated by my avoidance.
“No, this is me talking... I promise.” She sighs and uncrosses my arms so she can link one of her’s
in with mine.
“Of course I remember. You were sitting at the corner of the bar just blankly staring at a glass of
whisky. You looked so lost, trapped in some dark thought but, you were so beautiful I had to talk to
you.”
“That night was one year to the day that I told Costia I was leaving, packed up my entire life in my
truck, and headed for the west coast not having any idea what I was going to do or where exactly I
was going to go.”
“I didn’t know.”
“Yeah,” I sigh softly remembering how rough that year had been for me. “I was better though...ya
know? Those first eight months after I left were... they were just horrible. I barely left my
apartment other than to go to work, or the grocery store or the liquor store.” I move my fingers in
between each of her own and she gives my hand a small squeeze, just a reminder that she was there
and she was listening. “After those first eight months though, I started settling in. I was tired of
feeling guilty and I was tired of feeling lonely. So I started saying yes to my co-workers when they
asked if I wanted to go out with them. I was far from feeling happy, but I felt like I was finally
forgiving myself and letting myself heal.”
“And then the year mark came up and it all came crashing down on you.” Clarke finished my
thought as if she were inside my head with me. I simply nod to let her know she was right.
“I spent that entire day in my bed thinking about the day I left. And then decided I would just go
get drunk.” I laugh. “Probably not the best idea I’d ever had. But, actually... I think it worked out
fairly well for me in the end.” Clarke laughed and laid her head to rest on my shoulder, her empty
hand playing with the fingers of our joined hands. “Anyway...when you walked over to me I
immediately tried to come up with any excuse to get you to go away. But as soon as you started
talking I couldn't come up with anything. It was terrifying how easily you were able to get my
mind off of Costia and what I had done. It's cheesy as all hell but I swear Clarke it's like you were
sent to me that night. Like an angel.” Clarke chuckles and I can't help but smile. “It’s true though.
You came in and completely changed my life.”
“You're right that was cheesy.”
“I know I was tough at first but in spite of myself you made me feel like I deserved to be love and
be loved again.” I feel feather kisses be left over my shoulder and smile into her. “I just wanted you
to know that...with all this emotional baggage coming up. I just wanted you to know.”
A moment of silence settles between us but it's a comfortable silence. One we both have grown
accustomed to and take it when we can. Which doesn't often happen with a three year old.
“She came to my family. After she got clean.” Clarke lifts her head from my shoulder and I
continue to spill what had caused me to walk out on my sister. “Anya kept it from me until just
now because Costia asked them not to tell me.” I turn and look into my wife's eyes.
“That was unfair to everyone. Kind of a lose-lose.”
“I know. And I understand, I really do. It's just all…”
“Overwhelming?” Clarke finishes for me.
“Very. I'm sorry. For all of this I know this must be weird for you.
“Ya. I’m trying to be the bigger person here and let you deal with this with how you need to but I
can't help but let myself wonder... what if she wants you back?” Clarke's voice cracks as she
continues and I watch as her crystal blue eyes fill with a vulnerability that I rarely see in her. “What
if you start talking and realize that you still love her and-”
“Stop.” I shake my head and turn towards her grabbing both sides of her face with my hands.
“Clarke Griffin, I have never in my life loved someone the way that I love you.” You and Ella are
my everything. Nothing will ever be able to change that. Not even Costia.” I lean towards her as I
pull her forehead down to meet my lips where I leave a soft lingering kiss. I follow that up with a
light kiss on the tip of her nose, one to her cheek, and one to her other cheek. Finally I bring my lips
to meet with hers. When I pull back from her our eyes meet. “You're uneasy about it...I won't call
her.”
“No, I can't be the reason.”
“Clarke-”
“No, Lexa you need this. I don't have to like it but that doesn't change the fact that I think it will be
good for you. Like I said last night.” Another moment of silence settles between us as I move my
hands to tuck her hair behind her ears.
“What did I do in another life to deserve you in this one.” I smile.
“I don't know, but I’ll do whatever it take to make sure I get you in the next one too.”
“I told you already, I'm yours forever.” This time she leans in to close the distance between our
lips. My eyes flutter closed as her lips move against mine and her hands move to the back of my
neck. I open my mouth and invite her to deepen our kiss and she pulls herself into my lap. It never
ceases to amaze me the power that this women has over me. I wrap my arms around her waist and
before the kiss can turn into something that shouldn't be happening on the front porch of my
parents house Clarke pulls away from me and stares into my eyes.
“I love you so much Lexa.”
“I love you more.” I smile and leave one last chaste kiss against her lips before she slides off my
lap to stand.
“Call Costia,” She says and I nod my head. She gives me a small smile before heading up the stairs
and back into the house.
I sit on the porch for another minute or so before I realize that with Clarke, the extra warmth she
brought had disappeared. I shiver once before I stand and head into the house and straight for the
bedroom Clarke and I are staying in. The card is sitting on the bottom of the bed so I grab it and
shuffle towards the nightstand to grab my cell phone. Closing my eyes I take a moment to psych
myself up followed by a few deep breaths to calm my rising heartbeat. I open my eyes back up and
before any anxiety kicks in I tap in the 10 digit number listed on Costa's business card. Bringing
my phone up to my ear I hear it ring once. Twice. Three times. I start to wonder if she will pick up.
I hadn’t thought of what I would say in a voicemail and I start to panic to come up with something.
Should I have her call me back? Give her the option in case she doesn’t want to meet with me
anymore? Should I leave a date and time and just tell her that I’ll be there if she wants to meet with
me? As I go over any and all voicemail options in my head the line finally picks up.
“Hello, this is Costia,” I hear over the line and my rambling thoughts come to an end. But I don’t
respond. My throat instantly drying. “Hello?” She says again.
“Hi.” My voice cracks. “Um, it’s Lexa.” I add.
“Lexa, I wasn’t sure if you’d call me. I’m so glad that you did.”
“I wasn’t.” I confess. “But...well I guess my wife, Clarke. She kind of convinced me to. Or assured
me it was okay to. Or actually... I don’t know really.” I sound ridiculous. I bring my palm up to
cover my forehead shake my head at how ridiculous I’m being. “Did you want to...maybe go for
coffee. Tomorrow morning?” I ask, and I can hear Costia release a small breath over the line.
“I would love to, how is tomorrow at 10am? There is a new cafe I’ve been wanting to visit down
the street from my office. It’s right in the center of town. I can text you an address if that’s ok?”
“Ya. Just send me the address. I’ll be there”
“Great. I will see you then.” She pauses and I’m about to say goodbye when she speaks again.
“Hey Lex…”
"Ya?”
“Will you thank your wife for me?” I can’t help but let out a soft chuckle.
“Of course. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.” I end the call and look to the ceiling before letting out one last sigh. I stand up placing my
phone back on the nightstand and move to join my family in the living room. As I walk in the first
thing I notice is Ella passed out on Anya’s lap. Anya looks up and my eyes move to meet hers. I
can see everything she wants to say to me reflected there and I give her a slight nod to acknowledge
both of our unsaid apologies. Her mouth curls up slightly in relief and she mimics my nod. I turn to
Clarke, who is sitting in the “timeout” chair and pats the open spot to signal me over.
“You okay?” She whispers, as I squeeze onto the oversized recliner with her.
“I’m okay.” I smile and lean into her, leaving a soft kiss against her temple. She let’s out a small
hum before she shifts down slightly and rests herself against me. I wrap my arm around her
shoulders and pull her in closer to me as we settle in and watch Frozen for probably the millionth
time.
Chapter End Notes
Chapter 5
Chapter Notes
Just a little trigger warning before you read this chapter. There are references to drugs
and overdosing and possible other topics that could be triggering to someone.
The first thing that crosses my mind when I walk into the Coffee shop is how much Clarke would
love the place. She is a self proclaimed “Coffee Snob” and would be all for the eclectic vibe that
this place gives off. I can’t help but smile as I take it all in. There are fairy lights strung covering
the ceiling giving the effect of stars. There are several beautifully painted murals, each one
covering a different wall. Plenty of regular tables can be found for customers to sit at. Many of
which are filled with students on laptops. A larger table holds a group of people dressed
professionally in what looks like some sort of business meeting. But there are also couches and
leather chairs scattered around that sit next to small coffee tables or side tables. I can picture Clarke
all curled up and cozy on one of the chairs. Hiding off to the side and silently watching the rest of
the occupants while she lazily traces her pencil over a page in her sketchbook. It still amazes me
how quickly and easily she can sketch out the most amazing things. I take a mental note to bring
her here before we head back west, that is as long as the coffee lives up to the greatness of its
decor.
Glancing over my watch I head towards the counter. I’m fifteen minutes early to meet Costia but I
don’t mind, to be honest I planned it out this way. I decided on my way here that I would order
something sweet. It’s not usually my go to but I figure in this instance I could make an exception
and indulge. Once my coffee is in hand, I head to a corner of the cafe where there are less people
and sit in one of the leather chairs. The wall behind me holds a mural of a beautiful dark forest. I
quickly snap a photo of the wall and send it off too Clarke telling her we will have to stop by again
before we leave. I check my watch again. Another five minutes have gone by meaning Costia
should be here in about ten. My feelings of anxiety start up again and my mind can’t help but
wander into the past.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seven Years Ago….
If there is one thing in this world that I hate it would be running late. I’d told my parents that
Costia and I would meet them at the restaurant for dinner at six o’clock which meant I had ten
minutes to get us across town. I watch my phone as another minute goes by and honk my car horn
one more time but still I don’t see any sign of my girlfriend emerging from the door.
“Unbelieveable,” I let out a frustrated sigh as I shut the car off and head into the apartment. She
knows I got out of work early to pick her up. She knows we have dinner with my parents and she
promised me she would be ready. She promised me I had nothing to worry about. She promised me
she was in control. And I foolishly believed her. I walk into the apartment and my heart clenches
tightly before it feels as if it’s literally dropped out of my chest. The beautiful girl I grew up with,
feel in love with so easily, is face down and completely still on the ground. I drop my keys and run
to her, my knees collapsing at her side.
“No…” I shake my head and I can feel anger building in my chest. My hands hover over her
unsure of what they should do, and my eyes are wide in panic. “Costia!” I yell, my hands grabbing
her shoulders and turning her over so she is resting on my lap. I grab her face and my hands slide
across her wet skin. I can’t breath. “You promised!” I yell as tears roll down my face. “You
fucking promised.” My thumbs glide over her cheeks before I move a hand over her mouth. A
choked breath escapes my throat when I can feel her shallow warm breath against my skin. “You
can’t do this to me Costia, I won’t lose you like this.” I cry and pull out my cell phone to call 911.
When the voice on the line says an ambulance is on it’s way, I hang up and throw my phone down
beside me. I hear a small noise escape from her lips before she starts choking. “No, don’t you
fucking dare! You don’t get to do this!” I cry and turn her head just before she gets sick. I wipe the
bile from her mouth with my sleeve and I wait for what feels like an entire lifetime before I hear
sirens and voices announcing their presence.
“Do you know what she took?” The paramedic asks, as I back away slightly. My tears continue to
spill down my face and I shake my head letting the shock take over. “Miss If you know what she
took you need to tell us!”
“I...She…” The other paramedic puts her hand on my back and I look at her wide eyed. “Heroin.
She...it’s usually heroin.”
The next several days are rough for both of us. I stay by her side in the hospital as the drugs leave
her system. I hold her hand as she cries and her body shakes. I wipe her sweaty hair away from her
eyes and when she is asleep, her body curled into itself, I cry. I cry over my guilt of letting her get
this far. I cry for believing in all her broken promises that she had it under control. I cry for hating
her for letting herself get to this point.
“Lexa…” I hear a small whimper come from the hospital bed. I quickly wipe my tears and walk
back towards her taking her hand in mine.
“I’m right here Cos.” I say and she looks up at me with sad broken eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She cries and repeats herself. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know Costia.” I give everything I have to stay strong. To not breakdown in front of her but it’s
useless and the tears start before I can stop them. “You have to stop this Costia.” I sob, my body
now the one to shake violently. “I thought you were dead.” I bring my head down to her chest and
I feel her hands move and run through my hair. “You have to stop.” I cry. “I need you to stop.”
“Shhh...Lexa, I’m done. Okay?” She tries to soothe me, one hand holding me close to her while the
other continues stroking my head. “I’ll stop for you.” She fills the air with more promises and
more than anything I want to believe her.
“You promise?” I ask, lifting my head and looking into her almost lifeless eyes.
“Anything for you.” She nods and pulls my head up to her lips leaving soft kisses against my
temple.
For the next two weeks I live off her promise. I allow myself to get to the point where I truly believe
that she is going to stay clean this time. I hold her and smile when she tells me she wants to get our
life back on track, when she tells me she will go back to school. I feel my hope rising everyday and
I cry to my family that this time she really means it. That she will stay clean. I tell them how she
told me that she could do it for me because she loves me. I told them, and I was wrong. Her
promises were empty.
The night I walked in on her I had gotten stuck at work and expected to be there late into the night.
I had called her to let her know but, within the next hour my boss came in and told me that our
deadline was pushed until the next week. So before heading home I stopped and picked up her
favorite food from the Thai place by our apartment ready to surprise her and have the night in that
we had originally planned.
“Cos?” I call out when I get home. There is jazz music playing loudly throughout the apartment. I
was never a big fan but Costia has always loved it. I place the food down in the kitchen and walk
further into our home ready to sneak up on her. As I walk into our bedroom I see that bathroom
light on and when I get closer I see her sitting on the toilet and tying something around her arm.
My heart shatters right there. My mouth goes dry and my stomach turns as she looks up to me. I
open my mouth to say something, anything but I can’t find the words. Costia’s makeup is smeared
down her face and tears fill her eyes as she looks up at me. And that’s when I finally allow myself
to see it. To see the girl she has become. Her face is sunken in, her eyes lifeless with deep dark
rings around them. I can see the sadness that radiates throughout her and I can’t understand.
“I have to Lexa.” She cries. “I need it. But it’ll only a little bit, just enough to take of the edge.”
She promises. “I can keep control this time.” I fall to my knees in front of her and run my hands
over her thighs tears falling down my face to match hers.
“You promised Costia, for me...you promise you’d stop. We’re going to get back on track. You’re
going to finish your degree” Costia closes her eyes and bounces her knees.
“I was never going to go back to school Lexa.” She says sadly and chews on her lip looking
towards the needle sitting by the sink.
“Please…” I beg, “I love you.” I run my thumbs over her thighs but she just shakes her head.
“I’ll keep better control this time. It will be different.”
“No!” I yell standing up and backing away from her. “No, it won’t be different. It’s never
different.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “You promised, for me. You said that I was more
important.”
“You are but-”
“Stop, I don’t want to hear it.” Before I can think about what the words would mean I spit out the
next sentence. “I can’t do this anymore Costia. It has to be me or the heroin.” My heart is racing.
My ears are ringing and I feel like I’m about to pass out. “Let me take care of you. We will get you
help.” She switches her stare between my pleading eyes and the needle sitting there looking at it as
if it were calling out to her.
“Lexa, I love you but...I don’t- I don't want help.” She admits. “I’m sorry.”
“GOD DAMMIT COSTIA!” I yell turning and punching the door behind me. “We were supposed
to spend our lives together!! All these fucking years and you’re just throwing it all away for what?
For drugs? To be a fucking junkie? Jesus christ... I don’t even know who you are anymore. I can’t
even look at you.” My shaking hand comes up over my eyes and my head tilts towards the ceiling.
“I won’t stand around and watch you ruin both of our lives. Do you get that? Do you get that you
are ruining not just your life but mine along with it! I can’t constantly make excuses to our friends
or family on why we have to cancel plans. I can’t come home every night and wonder if I'm going
to find the woman I love lying dead on the floor!” The fire of my anger has burned any tears away
and I feel like I'm going to explode. She is picking drugs over me. I look back at the girl I thought I
knew. “If I walk out that door it's over, I'm not coming back.” I stare into her eyes and see nothing
reflected in them. No emotion, no love, just empty eyes staring right through me. I shake my, head
turn around, and walk towards the door waiting for her to say something. Waiting for her to stop
me but she never calls out. I pause at the door in hopes that the extra seconds will bring her to her
senses but I should know better. In the end the drugs won. I slam the door shut so angry with
her...angry with myself. I get in my car and as soon as the door shuts the realization of what had
really just happened hits me. I barely hold it together for the five minute drive to my sister's
apartment and as soon as I walk in the door and see her I break down and burst into tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Lexa?” I hear my name and I’m brought back from the past. I wipe a small tear away and take a
deep breath in before standing up to greet the girl in front of me. “Hey everything ok?” she asks
bringing her hand to rest over my arm. I smile and nod.
“Yeah I was just thinking about the past. About that day.” I admit. She squeezes my arm and nods
her head in understanding.
“I’m going to go order a tea, I’ll be right back.” I sit back down and watch as she walks over to the
counter. She smiles as she looks around and takes in the small place. When she comes back over
she takes a seat in the chair across from me. “Pretty cool place.” She says and I simply nod as I
take another sip from my coffee. An awkward silence settles between us, both unsure of how to be
in each other's presence again and both unsure of where to start.
“So tea instead of Coffee?” I ask needing to break the uncomfortable silence. “I’ve only met one
person who drinks more coffee than you used to.”
“Yeah,” She laughs. “Well come to find out I’ve got a bit of an addiction problem.” I can tell that
she is trying to make a joke but I can’t seem to even force a laugh and she notices my stiff body.
“Sorry,” she shakes her head. “I’m trying to make it less awkward. I guess.”
“It’s okay.”
“I really can’t believe that we are here. When I saw you in the parking lot the other day. I thought I
was losing my mind.” She starts rambling, something she had always done when she gets nervous.
“It was so random, especially since I finally bought your book the week before and spent that
whole weekend just sitting at home and reading it.”
“You read my book?” I ask surprised.
“Of course I read your book. It’s been your dream since we were kids to have a book published.”
She reminds me as if I had forgotten. I smile and nod my head. “It was amazing, by the way.
Tragic, and sad...but amazing.”
“Thanks.”I blush and can’t help but smile.
“So you are a published author and I know you’re married and have a daughter but what else. Fill
me in on all things Lexa.” I watch as she takes another drink from her tea.
“That’s about it really, writing and being a mom keeps me pretty busy.”
“I see,” Costia hummed. “How about your wife, how did you meet her?”
“At a bar, “ I sighed and Costia laughed.
“Very cliche of you.” I shrug, my coffee cup settling back up to my lips and I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t do the small talk as if there is no heavy history between us. I can’t take the elephant that is
not only in the room but sitting on my chest and before I can help it I spit out my thoughts.
“I hated you for so long...for picking drugs over me.” I hear Costia’s breath hitch in her throat. She
wasn’t expecting the change in conversation. “But for I hated myself even more for leaving you to
die.”
“I didn’t die Lexa.” she choked. “And you had a right to hate me.” I shake my head.
“You needed my help and I yelled at you, I told you that you were ruining my life and I left.” I
stressed and she leaned into me.
“Hey,” she began, and moved her hand to my knee. “I didn’t want your help or anyone’s and I
definitely don’t blame you for leaving.” I watch her eyes fill with sadness as she sits back in her
seat. “Ya know, I don’t even remember much of what happened those few years nevermind that
specific day. But I do remember the overdose right before that and how I promised you I’d stay
clean for you.” I watch her as she stops and tries to collect her thoughts. “I gave a lot of empty
promises back then Lexa,” she sighs sadly, “and most of them were to you but that one...that one I
remember because I wanted it to be real. I wanted so badly to be better for you. But, that’s not how
it works. I needed to want to be better for myself and at that point in time I just wasn’t there. Does
that make sense?” She asks me and I can tell she is feeling unsure of herself.
“It does.” I nod.
“I couldn’t get clean because someone else wanted me to, I needed to wait until I wanted to. It had
to be my choice or it was never going to stick.” She explains and again I just nod my head and take
in the words. I have so many questions I want to ask her but I’m afraid to open my mouth. I tap my
fingers against the coffee in my hand and open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.
Maybe it’s not my place to know these things. Even if she doesn’t blame me in the end I still left.
“Lexa…” I hear her say and our eyes meet. “I asked you here so we can talk about it all...I can see
your mind going. Ask me whatever you need to ask me.
“What happened after I left? What made you get clean?” I spit out.
“Are you sure you want to hear all that? It gets a lot worse before it gets better.” She admits.
“I think I need to know. If you are willing to share. If not then-”
“No, I’ll tell you everything.” She cuts me off. “Well I’ll summarize it all for you. The cliff notes
of Cosita if you will.” She smiles trying to make a joke again. This time I do chuckle. “Okay, well
at first I had convinced myself that it was all fine and that you would be back. You had to be back
to get your stuff so I would show you that I was in control. It was going to be fine. But you never
came back and one day I had come home and all your stuff was gone just like that.”
“I sent Anya, she packed it all up for me.” Costia nods at me in understanding.
“After that things spiraled way out of control. I didn’t have anyone to prove to that I could control
it so I just lost it. I lost my job because IF I showed up I was always high. I lost the apartment
because I didn’t pay the rent. My mom stopped talking to me, I was too ashamed to even reach out
to your family. So I was bouncing from friend’s house to friend’s house. I would stay until they
kicked me out for doing something stupid while I was high.” I let out a breath and bring my head
down into my hands. “Hey, I can stop.”
“No, it’s okay.” I sit up again and wipe the emotion from my face. I need to hear it I told myself. I
need to know.
“Okay, but it gets worse.” She stops and I can see that she is ashamed of what she is trying to say
she waits to see if I will stop her but I don’t. “I did some stupid shit Lexa. I did shameful things in
order to get drugs.” She sighs. “I was arrested twice for public disturbances and I overdosed two
more times.” I can see now that she is starting to get choked up but still she continues “I lost
literally everything I ever had. I lost my family. I lost all of our friends. I lost you and I lost myself.
That last overdose…” she stops and shakes her head. “Wow this is harder than I thought it would
be.” I sit silently just taking it all in and letting her have the moment she needs to continue. “The
last overdose wasn’t accidental.”
At her confession my strength finally breaks I let out a small whimper as my eyes fill with unshed
tears. “Cos, I’m so sorry.”
“Stop apologizing Lexa. I’m the one that’s needs to be apologizing.”
“So after that last overdose, is that when you got clean?” Costia sighed and shook her head.
“You’d hope that would be rock bottom wouldn’t you? But no, I kept using after that. It was two
months later that I hit that bottom.”
“On my birthday.” I state. “But, Why?” I ask curiously.
“Honestly? At the time I had no idea what day of the week it was, nevermind what the date was.
The fact that it was your birthday was pure coincidence.” I can’t explain why but her answer
slightly disappoints me. “But I’d like to think it was some cosmic phenomenon ya know? That is
was meant to be that day.” She smiles, she always liked to believe in things like that.
“So what happened?”
“My rock bottom came when I watched on as a young girl took too much of something at some
party I was at. I was so high that I just sat there and watched her. I heard people yelling and run
over to her. Her body was shaking. But I couldn’t move. I heard someone yell my name and then
there was people carrying her out the door and putting her in a car. I got up and walked to my car
and drove to my mom’s house. I cried for hours outside her door begging her to let me in but she
wouldn’t. The next morning she finally opened the door and I told her I wanted to get help. I asked
her if she could help me. She brought me to a rehab center that day and I’ve been clean ever
since.”
“Wow,” I whisper mostly to myself.
“Yeah, and it was really hard. Fuck...I mean it’s still hard they really mean it when they say you
have to take it day by day.” She grumbles but smiles. “I reached out to a lot of people. Asked for a
lot of forgiveness. I got your number from your family and I tried calling you so many times but
every time I decided that out of everyone I hurt… I hurt you the most and I didn’t deserve your
forgiveness.”
“Costia, I walked away and left you to die. If anyone doesn’t deserve forgiveness it’s me.” I
reasoned but she shook head at me.
“Damn it Lexa you’re just as stubborn as you were as a kid.” She laughs but my face stays serious.
“Listen, I’m sorry for-” I open my mouth to stop her apology but then stop when she puts her palm
up in the air. “No, just listen. I’m sorry for every empty promise I made to you back then. I’m
sorry for ruining everything we had and everything that could have been. I’m sorry for letting you
leave and live with all this guilt and hatred for yourself that you don’t deserve and I’m sorry I
couldn’t reach out to you sooner to help you get over it sooner. But you know what I’m not sorry
about?” She asks me and I tilt my head asking her with my eyes instead of my voice. “I’m not sorry
that you left. In fact I’m so incredibly happy that you did. When your wife called you the other day
and you were talking to me about her and your daughter your whole face lit up.” I can’t help the
smile that breaks free. “Just like that.” Costia points out and laughs. “I’m not sorry that you left
Lexa because it brought you to where you are now and under the awkwardness and shock of seeing
me...you look so incredibly happy.” I laugh and shake my head.
“It was quite a shock.”
“Tell me about it. But I’m so glad I ran into you.”
“Me too.” I admit finally feeling a lightness settle over the entire situation.
“I know I fucked up Lexa, and I know that part of me will always be that girl that you left but do
you think you could forgive me? Give me another chance to be in your life in someway?” I can see
her body has tensed as she awaits an answer, still afraid I won’t find it in me to say that I forgive
her.
“Can you forgive me?” I ask biting the corner of my lip
“Lexa, there’s nothing for me to forgive.” She complained. “But if you need me to say it then yes. I
forgive you for everything...for leaving.
“I forgive you.” I tell her softly and she drops her shoulders in relief.
“So friends?” She asks hesitantly. Reaching her hand out for me to shake.
“Working up to friends.” I answer and she nods her head in understanding as we shake hands.
“Can I ask you something?” I simply nod my head, urging her to go on. “Have you forgiven
yourself for leaving?” I stop and think about it and smile when I realize that I had. In all honestly I
had forgiven myself years ago.
“I have.” I promised and she settles further into her seat and picks up her tea that by now has to be
cold.
“Good, do you have anywhere you need to be? Or can we maybe fill each other in on the good
stuff now? Like I want to hear about your wife, Clarke was it?” I nod. “Tell me about her.”
Chapter Six
Chapter Notes
Well folks, this is it for this story. Sorry for the delay on the last chapter. I think I just
didn't want it to come to an end and just felt like I couldn't find it's ending. But this
morning it finally got to that point. So I hope you enjoy it and I've already come up
with an idea for another that I have started writing and will hopefully start posting
soon!! :)
I like to think that Clarke and I are fairly smart individuals but for some odd reason it seems we
can never learn this one lesson. Leave extra room in our suitcases when we pack for a trip to my
parents. Since we don’t get to see them that often it seems we always come home with not only a
new wardrobe for Ella but several new toys to add to an already absurd collection at home. I sigh
as I strategically fit the last of the little girls new clothes into my suitcase and put all my pressure
down on top of the cover in order to be zip it up. Silently praying that the bag is still under the
allowed weight limit for the airline. Once I’ve finally got everything packed I throw Ella’s little
bag over my shoulder and roll our larger suitcase out towards the front door. Clarke, who is sitting
at the counter with a bowl of strawberries and her camera connected to her laptop, smiles up at me
as I drop the bags down and walk back over to her.
“We really need to work on stopping my parents from buying so much for the kid while we are
here.” I sigh from exhaustion and rest my chin on Clarke’s shoulder looking over at her screen. I
watch on as she scrolls through her latest project for work. “Beautiful as always.” I smile taking in
the photographs she has up before turning to kiss her cheek. “Where is that kid of yours anyway?
We've got to get her ready to go. I still want to stop at that coffee place. I think you'll really like it.
The atmosphere and the coffee.”
“My kid?” Clarke laughs. “Go take a look outside and rethink that.” I furrow my brows and Clarke
laughs again. “Go on, go see what YOUR kid is doing right now.” Turning towards the sliding
door that leads to the backyard I can't help but laugh at the site of Anya with both of her hands up
in surrender. I move my gaze down and see our daughter with two play swords in her hand, a long
flowing black jacket with a red sash over one shoulder and black paint circling her eyes.
“What is happening.” I turn looking back towards Clarke who chuckles and shakes her head.
“You’re sister is happening. She said she needed make her little warrior happy and so she brought
the outfit and the swords over for her. She got her while you stubbornly packed everything by
yourself.” Clarke smirks and rolls her eyes. Ever since I can remember I have been very set in my
ways for packing a suitcase and the first couple of times I let Clarke pack for us, I ended up
repacking everything when she was in another room. Since then I have taken over the task.
“You should be grateful. You never have to pack!”
“I am very grateful for your anal and obsessive packing technique.” Clarke winks and I shake my
head turning back towards the scene taking place outside.
“I'm going to go get her...I’ll be back.” I laugh, opening the sliding door and stepping outside. My
parents are both sitting on the deck, also laughing at the scene taking place in their backyard.
Anya, who is now down on her knees with her hands still up in the air, is currently pleading for her
life to my three year old. Who I notice is still holding one sword out towards my sister and holds
the other up at her own ear. Her little elbow high and ready to attack if needed. I turn to look at my
mom and she smiles at me. “What are you two allowing to happen out here?” I tease my parents
and they just smile and shrug.
“I give up!” Anya pleads but the little girls stance doesn’t falter.
“No givin' up in Warrior Auntie!” Ella yells stepping closer with her sword.
“Ya know," My mom starts and I turn to look back at her, "I always hear you say how much like
Clarke she is, but this child…” she chuckles pointing out towards my daughter. “...there is no
denying that she is yours my love.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” Clarke adds closing the sliding door as she
joins everyone outside.
“We should put her in martial arts.” I suggest to Clarke as she sits beside my dad. "I bet she would
love it," I mumble to myself as I walk over to my daughter and sister.
As I walk away I can hear my mom whisper to Clarke. “How was the rest of her day yesterday?”
And I know what she really meant was how was she after her coffee with Costia. I roll my eyes
unbeknownst to my family behind me and I hear Clarke, who also decoded the true meaning of the
question, start to summarize everything I’d told her the night before. And if I'm honest, I'm more
than grateful that my parents know to ask Clarke over me and that Clarke knows exactly what and
how much to tell them.
Once I got back from coffee the previous day , my parents had offered to take Ella out for the
afternoon and give me and Clarke some time together. We spent most of the day curled up on the
couch as I told my wife everything about the reunion. It's really a breath of fresh air to talk to
Clarke, words seeming to just flow freely out of me. A comfort I've never had with anyone else, not
even Costia. So, I recited everything Costia had told me. About what had happened after I'd left and
why and how she finally decided to get clean. I watched Clarke smile as I told her how Costia had
asked about her and wanted to hear our story. I watched her smile when I told her that Costia
admitted she could see me glowing when I spoke of both her and Ella. And I watched her smile as I
told her all about Costia’s current life. How she went back to finish school and became a social
worker. How she travels and speaks to different schools and groups on drug use and addiction.
How she took a life that she almost let slip away and made it a life she herself was very proud of. I
kissed my wife softly as I thanked her for being so incredible about the whole situation. I thank her
for helping me realize that I needed to talk to Costia and I held her tight as I admitted that I felt a
major weight lift off my shoulders that I had convinced myself I'd let go of years ago.
As I close in on my daughter and sister I take one look back to my wife who meets my gaze and
gives me a wink. A unspoken thank you met with a silent you're welcome. And then I'm looking
back at my daughter…
“Ella Marie Woods…what is that all over you face?” I ask teasingly.
“My war paint mommy!” She groans and then further explains. “Every warrior needs it!
“I see...and where did you learn that? I ask tilting my head towards my smirking older sister.
“Auntie. she got my warrior clothes.” She replied in a tone as if I should have known while she
pointed at her clothes.
“Oh course. And may I ask you, my brave little warrior, what do you plan to do with your
prisoner?”
“She broke rules.” Ella scowled taking her role serious again and stepping forward. She places one
of her swords closer to Anya’s chest who I can tell is trying hard not to laugh and take her own role
just as seriously. “Now she pays!” The little girl adds ending her words with a war cry. But, before
she can plunge the sword any further into Anya, Clarke stands up.
“Okay that's enough!” She yells, halting the action and running over to us. Quickly scooping the
little girl up into her arms. “Drop the swords, we will let mummy take care of the prisoner.”
“No momma! I have to...for my people!” The little girl cries flailing in Clarke’s arms.
“Your people need you in the house and in the tub and ready to get on an airplane.” Clarke laughs
walking away with the pouting toddler.
I pick up the play swords that the little girl dropped and glare at Anya.
“My hero,” Anya remarks and It takes no time for me to fling myself around my sister wrapping
my arm around her one of the swords at her neck.
She gasps, “I see how it is.”
“I can't let my daughter fail her people. Surely you understand.” I laugh
“Make it quick.” She sighs but before I can make a move I hear my wife calling me.
“It's your lucky day. Another duty calls.” I smile unwrapping my hand from her neck but smacking
the plastic sword against her ass causing her to let out a yelp.
“Hey,” she calls to me and grabs my wrist before I can walk away. “Are you okay? Ya know after
yesterday?” I nod. “Good, and we’re good? You and I?” She adds.
“We’re good.” I affirmed and she nods before wrapping her arms around me.
-------------------
An hour and a half later we've said our goodbyes with my family and promised my mother to not
let as much time go by before we visit again, we are stopping at the coffee shop I had spent time in
the day before. I watch as both Clarke and Ella take everything in.
“Mummy can I paint our home walls like these ones!” Ella asks squeezing my hand and looking up
at me with wide eyes. Clarke laughs and speaks up before I am able to answer.
“Baby, mummy doesn't even let me paint the walls! If I can't than you can't!” Clarke pouts. She
has been asking me to paint a wall mural in my office for several years now.
“Maybe if you paint me a nice forest like that one I'll allow it.” I point to the wall I'd sat in front of
yesterday and winked at my wife. A smile taking over my face as both my girls eyes light up. Ella
lets go of my hand and her and Clarke share a high five before my wife picks her up and whispers
something in her ear. I don't catch it but it make the little girls smile wide.
“Looks like I'm not the only one who enjoyed this place.” I hear from behind us and turn around.
“Costia.” I shake my head because of course I don't see her for years and now in this one trip I've
see her three times. Two of which unplanned. “I had to show my wife the place and get her to try
the coffee before we left.” I smile looking towards Clarke who has also turned around with our
daughter still in her arms. “Clarke this is Costia, Costia...my wife, Clarke.”
“Costia,” Clarke smiles reaching out her hand that's not holding up Ella for Costia to take. “I've
heard many great things.” She smiles honestly and I can't help but fall in love with her just a little
bit more.
“Likewise” Costia smiles. “And this must be Ella?” She adds smiling at the little girl in Clarke’s
arms.
“The one and only!” Clarke beams tickling under Ella's chin. “Ella can you say hi to mummy's
friend?”
“Hello!” Ella smiles sticking her own hand out for a handshake. “You're very pretty. You don't
look old like mummy said.” Both Clarke and I can’t help but chuckle at our three year olds logic.
“I never said you were old! I said you were an old friend.” I explain and Costia nods and chuckles
along with us.
“Well, thank you very much.” She says to the little girl. “You are also very pretty! Just like a
princess!” Costia adds and tilts her head when Ella sighs.
“Thank you, but I'm not a princess. I'm a warrior. But momma washed off my war paint!” Clarke
shrugs guiltily and all I can do is shake my head.
“Guilty as charged.” Clarke smiles.
“My mistake but, now that you say it...you definitely look like a warrior.” Costia smiles playing
into the little girl's imagination causing her to smile and wiggle out of Clarke's arms. I watch her as
she walks back in front of me throwing her hands up for me to pick her up and I do so without a
second thought. Once she’s comfortably placed on my hip, she comes in close to my ear.
“I like your old friend.” Ella whispers to me, her mouth right against my ear before she rests her
head onto my shoulder.
I gently kiss the top of her head and hold on to her just a little bit tighter swaying back and forth
just slightly. I can feel her fingers twirling my hair, a clear sign that she is tired, and I take a few
seconds to just melt into this small moment with my daughter. Its moments like this where I find
myself questioning why it was I never wanted kids, because this little girl in my arms is
everything. I can't even imagine a life without her and Clarke.
“Are you coming to the plane with us?” The little girl asks Costia before quickly adding, “You can
sit next to me.” And just when I think I couldn't love her anymore she goes ahead and makes me
melt all over again. I know Clarke can see it in my face and I soon feel her hand on my back in a
silent agreement.
“That's very nice of you but I am staying here, this is where I live.” Costia explained and Ella
nodded in understanding. “And, unfortunately, I do need to grab my tea and get back to work.” She
sighs looking at the time on her watch. “But Lexa I'm glad I got to see you and your little warrior.”
She chuckles before turning to Clarke a serious look settling upon her face. “It was really nice to
meet you Clarke.”
“It was nice to meet you too.” Clarke smiles and extends her hand for Costia to shake but instead
Costia flings herself at Clarke. I can see that it caught my wife off guard but it doesn't take her long
to recover and wrap her arms around the other girl. Costia whispers something in their embrace but
I can't make out the words. Whatever it was it has Clarke nodding and whispering her own words
before they pull apart, both with misty-eyed smiles.
Costia looks back towards me and starts moving away but stops to give my shoulder a reassuring
squeeze. “I like her.” She admits and I grin and nod. In another life I have no doubt that Costia and
Clarke could have been great friends.
“Take care Cos,” I call to her as she walks toward the counter and she turns and smiles nodding her
head.
“I will.” She promises. “You too, take care of those girls of yours.” She winks.
“I will” I echo.
“Bye Costia!” Ella yells from over my shoulder. “See you next time!” She adds enthusiastically.
“Bye!” Costia yells back with just as much enthusiasm. The whole encounter has me smiling and I
can feel my wife watching and so I turn towards her.
“You good?” She asks smiling back at me.
“So good,” I reply leaning in to steal just a quick kiss from her lips. “Let's go home.”
“Let's go home,” she agrees.
---------------------------
I've always loved traveling. I find it in a way calming and peaceful. Even now with a three year
old, which definitely makes it a little tougher, I still find myself looking forward to the whole
experience. Don't get me wrong there are still frustrating moments like delays and cancellations
that often happen but, the overall idea of travel is what makes me love it. Clarke tells me it’s the
writer in me and in some ways I think she is right. I do romanticize it all as I watch and listen to the
people around us coming and going.
This time is no different and as we take off I watch happily as my daughter and wife gaze out the
small plane window and watch as the land slowly shrinks below us and we merge up into the sky.
And just like that another one of those moments hit me and I can't imagine my life without the two
beautiful girls sitting next to me. And for the first time ever a thought crosses my mind catching
me off guard at first but the more I think about it the more my heart warms and the more I want it.
Ella doesn't last long before she passes out in Clarke's lap. Her chest and her cheek lay against
Clarke’s chest and her legs sitting over each side of Clarke's hips. I can hear Clarke humming
softly to herself as she still watches out the window. After another minute or so she turns to me
with a smirk on her face.
“You're staring.” She states teasingly.
“Can you blame me?” I say seriously, but Clarke still takes a second to pretend to think about it
before she shakes her head.
“I can't.” I keep my eyes on hers and I can see a slight flush take over her cheeks. “ Lexa, you can’t
look at me like that when we are on a plane and our daughter is sleeping in my lap.” She whispers
but doesn't move her own gaze.
“Your so beautiful.” I gush and Clarke's cheeks grow more red.

“What's gotten into you?” Clarke chuckles. “You're hardly like this. You have those mushy heart
eyes going on.” She points out.
“Let's have a baby.” I whisper, letting my earlier thought break free. I bite the corner of my lip and
watch as Clarke's breath hitches in her throat.
“What?” She asks in disbelief and I simply nod my head. “Lexa, I had to beg and plead with you
for our first baby and-”
“And she is perfect and I can't imagine a life without her. And I know I was so difficult when you
first came to me about babies and how I made you promise only one but…it just feels right.” My
heart is pounding out of my chest and I watch as Clarke processes it all and her eyes well up with
unshed tears.
"You’re not just on a travel high right? Because you can’t tell me this now and then change your
mind once we are home.” I shake my head and slide into the middle seat next to Clarke. “Because I
really and honestly accepted that we were only going to have one and I was okay with it
because...god look at her…”she pauses looking down at Ella who is still fast asleep.”but if you're
telling me we can have another.”
“We can have another.” I nod moving my thumb to wipe away a tear that's fallen. “I want another
one Clarke.” She leans into me careful not to move to much and disturb the little girl on her lap. I
follow her in and lean my forehead against hers. “Let's have a baby.” I giggle, my lips just inches
away from hers before she closes the distance.
“I am so in love with you Lexa Woods.” She whispers before bringing her lips back to mine. “A
baby!” She squeals pulling away from me and moving to kiss the top of Ella's head.
Clarke has the same goofy grin on her face for the rest of the flight and I have to admit that mine
isn't much better. Her hand had moved to my own at some point and it remained there for the rest
of the flight. Her head occasionally resting on my shoulder and the words “we're gonna have
another baby” escaping her lips in whispers every now and then.
Just as we are about to land I remember something that is wanted to ask her from earlier in the day.
“Hey,” I start, turning my head towards her to meet her gaze. “ Back at the coffee shop, when
Costia hugged you what did she say?”
“She thanked me. For giving you the love you deserve, the life she could’ve never given you.”
Clarke admits. “And I thanked her for helping you grow up to be the person you are today.
Because you are a pretty incredible person.” She beams.
“I love you Clarke. Everyday I think I couldn't love you any more than I already do and then there
are moments like this where my heart just opens up even further.” I admit and bring the back of her
hand up to my lips.
“Okay line feeder, you’ve already got me to not only fall in love with you but to marry you, have a
child, and maybe another with you...you can save your lines for your novels. She winks as my head
shakes.
“I will save all my best lines for you and only you Clarke. And we will have another baby.” I vow
leaning in for another chance at capturing her lips. She hums happily into the quick embrace.
“Thank you for being so amazing not only for this trip but for being amazing to me and an amazing
mom to her.” As if she can sense that I brought her into the conversation Ella stirs in Clarke’s arms
moving herself so she her other cheek is against Clarke’s chest and she is now facing me.
“Mummy,” She whines softly as she slowly wakes up. Clarke rubs smooth circles over her back
and soothingly whispers “shh” into her ear to try and coax her back to sleep but the little girls eyes
are wide open. “Are we home yet?” She asks.
“Almost baby,” I whisper and tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear as she nods and wraps her
hands around her momma’s neck.
“Almost home momma,” She whispers to Clarke, twirling the blonde’s hair.
And just to throw one more happy cliche into my life because I’m a writer and apparently that is
what we do… I can’t help but smile at the fact that I know I am already home. Because my home
is wherever these two are. I honestly can’t imagine any kind of life without the two beautiful girls
sitting beside me and I make a promise to myself right then and there that I will never allow them
to forget that.
End Notes
pressure :) Also you can find me here (writtenletterstoyou.tumblr.com) on tumblr...I"m
trying to use it more so feel free to reach out! :)
Cheers!
Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!

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Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/7862560.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

(P.s - Title is a line from Kelly Clarkson's song "Save You")

Anyway Thanks for reading!

See the end of the work for more notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

“Lexa, is that you?”

“Costia...hi.” I choke out. Not trusting my voice to say much else.

“Yeah, I suppose it has been.” She whispers softly.

Chapter End Notes

See the end of the chapter for more notes

“Costia? As in THE Costia?” She asks, her eyebrows raising slightly.

“Would it?” she asks curiously. Her eyes focusing in on mine.

“It hurts.” she says softly.

“You okay Lex?” Clarke asks softly.

“Let her stay with us tonight.”

Chapter End Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

“Hi, mummy.” The little girl whispers.

“Mhmm, I love her.” Clarke smiles.

“Just her?” I ask my lips turning upwards just slightly.

“You’re okay too.”

“Gram and Gramp aren’t up yet either?” She questions.

“Clarke.” I grumble through my teeth.

“Auntie!” The three year old gasps. “That's a bad word!”

“Got it.” She smiles.

“Wanna tell me about yesterday?”

“Will you please tell me about yesterday.” Anya rephrased.

“I did.” She let out hesitantly.

“I’ve known for a long time. But it wasn’t my place to tell-”

Chapter End Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

“Do you remember the first night we met?” I ask her.

“You're right that was cheesy.”

“I know. And I understand, I really do. It's just all…”

“Overwhelming?” Clarke finishes for me.

“No, I can't be the reason.”

“What did I do in another life to deserve you in this one.” I smile.

“I love you so much Lexa.”

“Hi.” My voice cracks. “Um, it’s Lexa.” I add.

“Ya. Just send me the address. I’ll be there”

“Of course. See you tomorrow.”

Chapter End Notes

Seven Years Ago….

“I’m sorry.” She cries and repeats herself. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ll keep better control this time. It will be different.”

“You are but-”

“You read my book?” I ask surprised.

“Thanks.”I blush and can’t help but smile.

“At a bar, “ I sighed and Costia laughed.

“It does.” I nod.

“I think I need to know. If you are willing to share. If not then-”

“Stop apologizing Lexa. I’m the one that’s needs to be apologizing.”

“On my birthday.” I state. “But, Why?” I ask curiously.

“So what happened?”

“Wow,” I whisper mostly to myself.

“It was quite a shock.”

“Tell me about it. But I’m so glad I ran into you.”

“Can you forgive me?” I ask biting the corner of my lip

“You should be grateful. You never have to pack!”

“Guilty as charged.” Clarke smiles.

“You good?” She asks smiling back at me.

“Let's go home,” she agrees.

There Were Times I'd Wonder (Could I Have Eased Your Pain) (Clexa)

There Were Times I'd Wonder (Could I Have Eased Your Pain) (Clexa)