Using Emotional Intelligence

Improving Your Social-Awareness – Transcript

We’ve been talking about YOU so far in the series, and how you can better understand yourself,
and manage your emotions. But that’s only half the equation. Remember those “pronoids” you
heard about earlier? Those people who have delusions of acceptability, because they don’t
accurately pick up on the reactions of others?
That’s the next step in increasing your Emotional-IQ. You need to keep improving your SOCIAL-
awareness. That means, not only do you know yourself, but you know what’s going on with
others, too. You’d think that’s a given and that everybody can do it, but that’s not necessarily
the case.
Fortunately, there’s a simple process you can use to improve your social awareness with others.
The steps are: recognize, empathize, care, understand, and maybe, agree. Notice that this
process is very similar to how you deal with disagreement and angry people. That’s because
those are two classic situations that require high emotional intelligence. So, what’s the process?
Step one … recognize. You’ve got to perceive the emotions of others before you can handle
them. And, as we talked about in a previous program, you have to accept those feelings as
valid…that they’re true…or else people wouldn’t feel that way in the first place. That’s the
problem with pronoids. They don’t perceive what’s going on, so the process breaks down
immediately.
Step two … empathize. You need to do your best to look at things from the other person’s
viewpoint. You need to identify with how they’re feeling, as if it were you.
Even if you don’t agree with someone, you can certainly understand how they’d feel that way.
In fact, you should be so good at it that you can figure it out without being told. “Wow, I can
imagine how angry they were when they heard that.” You don’t have to be hit over the head
with it. Figure it out on your own.
Step three … care. If you’re going to emotionally connect with people, then you have to
generally care and be concerned about what’s going on with them.
“What about all the overtime they’ll be working?” …“Yeah, I don’t care.”
“How about the loss of company cars for sales associates?” …“Not my problem.”
Bottom line, there’s no reason to be socially aware, if you don’t care about what you hear.
Step four … understand. This isn’t the old toss-off, “Yes, I understand where you’re coming
from.” That almost always puts people off, because, unless you’ve had the exact same
experience, you DON’T understand. You CAN’T understand, for example, when they’re working
hours so long that it’s impacting their family life, and you AREN’T working that hard.
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The point here is that you COMPREHEND what you’re hearing. You understand the NATURE of
what people are feeling in addition to the details themselves. It’s the emotional impact that you
need to understand.
Finally, step five … maybe … agree with what you’re hearing. This is truly optional, because, as
you think about what you’re hearing, maybe there are other factors in play that run counter to
what the other person’s telling you.
And, remember, you don’t have to fully agree, or even agree at all. As covered in other
programs on dealing with angry people, there’s “controlled agreement,” where you can agree
in principle, or to the possibility, that the person may be right, rather than totally agree.
So that’s a simple thought process you can use to better relate with others. But there are two
more concepts you need to apply to make social awareness really work for you.
The first is “candor.” Candor isn’t being “brutally frank.” You’re not trying to pound your
message into someone. Candor isn’t being “totally honest.” If you have to tell someone, “Now,
I’m going to be totally honest …” then what were you being BEFORE that? Partially honest?
Somewhat deceptive? To be totally honest, it’s a red flag when you hear “totally honest.”
On the other hand, being candid means that you’re open, and sincere. You’re fair, and
impartial. What you’re saying is the basis of careful listening, and thoughtful reflection. You’re
unbiased. You don’t have an ulterior motive. What they see from you, is what they get. What
you say, is what you mean.
The second concept you need throughout this entire process is something called “the
assumption of goodwill.” It’s trite to tell someone, “I’m just thinking of you,” as you try to
impose your will on them. Yet, when it’s true, it’s a very powerful foundation for effective
communication, and high performance.
In an organization, the assumption of goodwill is, “We may not always say the right thing to
each other, or say it the right way. But we all agree that we’re all trying to help the team
perform better. We may mess up, but everyone’s heart is in the right place.
“Whatever we do that causes offense or heartache, wasn’t meant to do so. If that happens,
we’ll tell each other how we’re feeling, and give the other person a second chance to say it
better. We’re all on the same team. What helps one get better, helps us all.”
In a way, this assumption needs to be a part of the organizational culture. There has to be a
communal belief that “we’re all in this together.” When the organization wins, the people win.
Within the team, things work smoother. And in the big picture, there’s greater job security,
more money to go around, and more opportunities for advancement.
As the owner of a small business put it, “We don’t have time to dance around each other’s
fragile egos. ‘Candid communication’ is one of our Core Values. Most of the time, it’s not about

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people anyway. It’s about processes. So when things get crossways, just tell someone what they
need to know, and let’s all get back to work. We all have to be productive if we’re going to keep
the doors to this place open. Five simple steps, all implemented under the assumption of
goodwill, and expressed with candid communication. That’s all it takes to increase your social-
awareness Emotional-IQ.

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All Rights Reserved.