To: Tim McArthurton

From: Francis Caruso

Subject: Revised Email

Firstly, I would like to thank you for this opportunity to apply my business writing skills to help
you to revise your email.

The subject of your email is very good, but it seems to get jumbled up in what can be interpreted
as unnecessary information. Also, with your “P.S.” information about attending “The sales and
millennials conference”, I can tell you care about adapting your speech and writing format to
tailor towards your younger employees, which is great. The way to best due this and highlight
the purpose of your email would be to shorten it to only important details.

The important details I could find in your email were:

1. The CEO visited branches and was not happy about the frequency of off task activities
happening in the workplace.
2. You want your employees to do better in the workplace.
3. You want to implement a new social media and off task online use policy.
4. You want to accommodate your employees with the opportunity to give suggestions on
said policy.

As said, these are important points, but they are in the shadow of things that will cause your
message to be misinterpreted.

The things that will cause misinterpretation:

1. Employees’ personal information
2. Format and grammar
3. Personal feeling
4. Answering your own question
5. Over explanation of important and unimportant information
6. Minor clarity issues

Steps to eliminating the problems of the email:

1. Take out all names and specific circumstances highlighted by the CEO.
2. Add a buffer and follow with the idea of a new policy, then follow that with reasoning.
Followed by the way you wish to conduct the making of this policy and ending it with
something that makes your employees feel supported and heard. Combined with a
grammatical revision.
3. Remove all personal anecdotes and remove all possible undermining of the policy.
4. Leave the question for the employees to answer.
5. No implementation of information that doesn’t significantly add to your main points (this
 step will mostly happen when following the other steps).
6. Changing the subject line and carefully bolding certain terms or phrases.

Following the steps and information I laid out, this is the new email I have created:

SUBJECT LINE: NEW Policy Implementation

To all employees:

You all usually do a great job exceeding your sale quotas or do your very best to meet them. But
due to your consistent success, the company wants to know how you all succeed by visiting our
branches. After the visit, though, the company has decided to implement a new social media and
internet use policy, taking effect this coming Wednesday. This implementation is due to some
concerns the CEO had while visiting branches of our company. These concerns were focused on
the off-task use of our electronic devices. Due to past policy effects, the company and I would
like to offer you suggestions for this policy. We ask these suggestions center around containing
phone use in a manner that suits the goals of the company and your personal needs. We also
ask that these suggestions be sent by the end of lunch on Tuesday to review them and create a
solid plan by Wednesday, letting us use the rest of that week to see how the implementation will
work. Hopefully, with your cooperation, we as a company can become better, not just better in
sales but better at listening and accommodating our trusted employees.
Thank you and have a greet weekend,

Tim McArthurton

I believe the email I have created above will better convey the message you wish to express to
your employees in a professional indirect format. I also did revise the dates of the suggestion
acceptance in thought of maximizing the number of responses to your email. As you are the boss
your word is final, but I would advise a 24-hour business day window so you can get impactful
suggestions, if you do not like the window I provided.

Thank you for this opportunity,

Francis Caruso