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 PARADISE TRANQUILITY - PILOT

Workplace Sitcom

Luke Muyskens

Original Script

lukemuyskens@gmail.com
www.lukemuyskens.com

2021
 COLD OPEN

1. EXT. WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY

CLOSE UP on a neon cross wreathed in plastic roses. A synth

hymn plays.

On the chapel steps, BETH OLSEN (31) — attractive blonde — is

sprawled in a cheap wedding dress and veil. She moans.

BETH
(breathing heavily)
Starboard... starboard... now a
little aft... that's it, right
there.

JAMES PINDER (24) — handsome Bahamian in a crisp white polo

and slacks — emerges from under the dress, annoyed.

JAMES
You gotta stop with the nautical
shit. It's giving me a mushy
banana.

A door opens at the other end of the chapel. WHIP PAN to

ANJELI GHOSH (33) — professional woman in a suit — appalled.

ANJELI
(British accent)
OH HELL NO.

BETH
You're supposed to say 'I object.'

JUMP CUT to outside the chapel. The doors burst open and
Anjeli drags James out by the ear. Beth follows, holding the
train of the dress and giggling.

ANJELI
You two can suck each other off all
you want in your quarters, but not
in the bloody chapel!

JAMES
(sarcastic)
C'mon, Anjeli, I wanted to see God!

ANJELI
You're both getting written up.

BETH
What?! That's my second strike!

ANJELI
And I want that dress back.
 2.

Beth takes off the veil and throws it. PAN to follow the veil
over a railing, revealing we're on a ship. The veil floats
five stories down and disappears into the ocean.

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

SLOW MOTION MONTAGE set to WUT by LE1F of GUESTS partying

aboard a cruise ship.

-MUSCULAR JOCKS pour bottles of Bacardi into the mouths of

BIKINI-CLAD GIRLS.

-PAN from the party to a group of DISGUSTED OCTEGENARIANS.

-PAN BACK to PARTIERS doing body shots and beer bongs.

-PAN to HORRIFIED FAMILIES, PARENTS covering the eyes of

THEIR CHILDREN.

-PAN BACK to the party where a FRAT BRO cannonballs into the
pool. We see the crowd cheer in a DRONE SHOT of the cruise
ship at sea.

SLAM TITLE: Paradise Tranquility

CUT TO BLACK
 3.

ACT ONE

2. INT. BRIDGE - DAY

CAPTAIN RICHARD MORGAN (65) — naval uniform with epaulets and

a hat — lounges on a white sofa, drinking a tumbler of scotch
and watching a TV OFFSCREEN. He sighs and pinches the bridge
of his nose.

There's a knock on the door.

THE CAPTAIN
COME IN.

ANJELI steps in, carrying a tray of lobster rolls that she

sets on the coffee table. The Captain crams one in his mouth.

ANJELI
Something wrong, Captain?

THE CAPTAIN
(mouth full)
Looga da damn sgreen.

ANJELI
Excuse me, sir?

The Captain points. WHIP PAN to the TV, playing the news.

ANCHOR
...some are calling it youthful
rambunctiousness while others in
the Caribbean are decrying the
video as a demonstration of
decaying morals in the region,
calling for an end to American
cruises among the islands.

The news cuts to a YOUTUBE VIDEO. PHONE FOOTAGE on a beach

shows a HUGE CROWD OF PEOPLE in the ocean.

CROWD
(in unison)
SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!

GIRLS in the crowd take their tops off, nudity blurred out.

CROWD
SUCK HIM OFF! SUCK HIM OFF!

SOME OF THE GIRLS begin fellating SOME OF THE GUYS, all

blurred out. The news cuts back to the ANCHOR

ANCHOR
This incident occurred among guests
of a Carnival cruise ship —
 4.

THE CAPTAIN
Don't say it, don't say it...

ANCHOR
— named 'Radiance.'

THE CAPTAIN
GREAT!

The Captain finishes his scotch and crams another lobster

roll into his mouth. Anjeli turns off the TV.

ANJELI
I'm sure this will blow over.

CAPTAIN
We're screwed. I've been sailing
the Caribbean long enough to know
half these preachers by their
loafers. They'll jump on this shit
faster than ants on a boiled turd.
We're just lucky the incident
wasn't... gayer.

CUT TO:

3. INT. CREW REC ROOM - NIGHT

CARL HART (52) — a grizzled man in overalls with a dip in his

lip — stands under fluorescent lights from a low ceiling.
BEHIND HIM are two large objects shrouded in tablecloths.
OPPOSITE CARL, a group of CREW MEMBERS — diverse in age and
nationality — waits for him to speak.

CARL
Mornin', folks.

CREW
(in unison)
Morning, Carl.

CARL
You all — the Radiance crew — make
this cruise possible. Without waste
operations managers like Slavoj —

WHIP PAN to SLAVOJ VLADISLAV (69), a middle-aged Ukranian man

in a SUPREME hat. He beams.

CARL (CONT'D)
— this ship would be knee-deep in
moldy hamburger buns and used
tampons.

BETH
(to JAMES)
Ew.
 5.

CARL
Without deckhands like Solomon —

WHIP PAN to SOLOMON YESHUA (30), muscular and tattooed. He

puffs up with pride.

CARL (CONT'D)
— the Radiance would drift out to
sea until the food ran out and we
drew straws to see who got ate
first.

JAMES
(to BETH)
It's gotta be Cody. Look at those
thighs — like chicken on a spit.

CODY BIEDERMAN (23) — chubby and rosy-cheeked with feathery

blonde hair — hides his thighs with a backpack.

CARL
In recognition of the role y'all
play keeping this ship afloat,
management sent down a coupla
gifts.

BETH
(to James)
Fingers crossed for a sybian.

The crew leans forward. Carl grabs a sheet in each hand and
pulls them away. ON HIS LEFT is a chocolate fountain. ON HIS
RIGHT is a massage chair.

The crew is silent. Carl hits a couple of buttons — the

chocolate fountain gurgles to life and the massage chair
rumbles. Cody begins to clap and the rest follow, confused.

CUT TO:

4. EXT. INT - TV STUDIO

REV. HARRY ADDERLEY (39) — a bald Jamaican priest — stands in

front of a GREEN SCREEN on which a fiery volcano is
superimposed. He mops sweat from his forehead, swaying. A
graphic at the bottom shows his name and a call-in number.

REV. HARRY
My brothers and sisters; my devoted
flock. You may have seen the
perverse actions of those who call
themselves spring breakers,
descending from the hive of filth
that is the Carnival Radiance onto
our beloved islands.
(MORE)
 6.

REV. HARRY (CONT'D)

If you have not seen the videotape,
I caution you — it is disturbing in
its wretchedness and sinfulness.
(picking up steam)
The degeneracy of these American
youths is a scourge upon our
people, infecting Caribbean teens
with impure thoughts, lustful
behaviors, the epidemic of vaping,
and worst of all... homosexuality.

CUT to BLUE FROG PUB, a tacky bar onboard the RADIANCE not
yet open to the public. A SMALL GROUP OF STAFF sit at the
bar, including STU VERSATILE (45) — a balding man with a
bushy beard and a Hawaiian shirt — MELISA CARTAGENA (51) — a
portly, maternal Puerto Rican — and JACKSON FLATS (29) — a
scruffy, attractive stoner. They watch Rev. Harry on a TV
above the bar.

STU
(sipping a white Russian)
This guy's gonna make me go full
batty bwoy outta spite.

MELISA
(sipping a black tea)
I think he has a point.

STU
Mami! You're siding with this
sweaty Bible thumper over our red-
blooded Florida State thots?

MELISA
These spring breakers get worse
every year. Harassing locals,
leaving trash everywhere,
copulating on the beach. It's
disgusting. This year, I saw
someone put a used condom in the
hat of a sleeping policeman.

STU
King shit, honestly.

JACKSON
I think —

Jackson hits a weed pen and coughs heavily.

JACKSON (CONT'D)
(fighting through the
cough)
— I think you gotta respect the
culture, man.
(MORE)
 7.

JACKSON (CONT'D)
These kids got no regard for the
islands they're visiting.

STU
(emphatic)
They're simply trying to party.

MELISA
And you, Stuart, are simply trying
to see some college boobies!

Stu grins wickedly. On the TV, Rev. Harry is going nuts.

REV. HARRY
The actions of these foreign
perverts will not go without
consequence! A punishment from the
almighty Lord is imminent! When the
Pharaoh enslaved the Israelites,
God smote them with blood and
pestilence. The same fate will
befall these spring breakers.
(getting more heated)
He has witnessed these sinful
atrocities and the force of his
wrath will be felt by all who
participated, from these wretched
youths to the cruise ship company
that brought sin to our pristine
shores. Storms! Locusts! Genital
warts! All will — [suffer from]

The TV turns off. WHIP PAN to Jackson holding the remote.

JACKSON
Someone get this dude a fuckin'
Xan.

STU
(downing his drink)
Spoken like someone gunning for
eternal damnation.

CUT TO:

5. EXT. UPPER DECK - DAY

CLOSE UP on ANJELI squinting into a pair of binoculars.

THROUGH BINOCULARS, we see DOZENS OF PEOPLE clustered on a

pier, brandishing signs and chanting.

Anjeli lets the binoculars hang around her neck and clicks
her tongue. NEXT TO HER, CAPTAIN MORGAN rubs his temples. He
tries to light a huge stogie but can't get the match to
light. Anjeli holds out a butane lighter.
 8.

CAPTAIN
Do they look pissed?

ANJELI
Pretty angry. One sign says: THE
SWORD OF GOD WILL HAMMER YOU INTO
OBLIVION — an atrocious mixed
metaphor — and a few reference
Ephesians 5:11.

CAPTAIN
Wonder what that means...

ANJELI
(reciting robotically)
Take no part in the unfruitful
works of darkness, but instead
expose them.

CAPTAIN
How do you know that? I thought you
were, uh, one of the other ones.

ANJELI
I was raised Hindu, but I joined
a... an insular and fanatic
religious community for a brief
while after college. For a guy. I
don't want to talk about it.

The Captain groans and ashes his stogie over the railing.

CAPTAIN
This is bad, Anjeli. Real bad.

ANJELI
(looking through the
binoculars)
Are you worried our island staff
will strike?

CAPTAIN
Ha! That lot is as hedonistic as a
hog in a whorehouse. I just...

ANJELI
What is it, Captain?

CAPTAIN
(shuddering)
I had a... bad experience.

ANJELI
Go on...

CLOSE UP on Captain Morgan getting lost in a memory.

 9.

CAPTAIN
The year was 1994. We announced our
biggest celebrity guest ever: Tom
Hanks. Folks in the states were
clamoring to cruise with Hanks. The
voyage was going great, until some
crackpot Toboggan preacher —

ANJELI
I believe it's Tobagonian.

CAPTAIN
— Tobagonian preacher caught wind.
All of a sudden, every port in the
Caribbean was packed with Christian
protesters. See, Philadelphia had
just come out, and they were
convinced Tom Hanks — the actor —
was gay, and that AIDS was his
divine punishment.

ANJELI
Jesus.

CAPTAIN
Exactly. Tom was pissed. When we
returned to port, he swore he'd get
revenge. Ten years later, BAM!
Captain Phillips. Now every
Midwestern yahoo with a Netflix
account is worried about pirates.
It's torture. Living hell.
(chewing on stogie)
God damn you Thomas Jeffrey Hanks.

CUT to the OBSERVATION BAY where JAMES and SOLOMON are taking
a break from their work to watch the PROTESTORS.

SOLOMON
HEY, NERDS! PROTEST THIS!

Solomon pulls his pants down and smushes his tattooed

asscheeks against the window.

JAMES
C'mon, put that away! No one's
gonna see your flat ass from shore.

SOLOMON
(inspecting his reflection
in the window)
Flat?

CUT TO the LOWER DECK where BETH and MELISA smoke cigarettes
and watch the protesters, out of sight of the public.
 10.

BETH
Doesn't it piss you off? I mean,
these prudes hate our lifestyle.
They can't stand that we're
liberated and express our feminine
sexuality. You know?

MELISA
Uh huh.

BETH
I see women in that crowd. They're
totally repressed and don't even
know it. Their whole lives are run
by the church and their abusive
husbands. I actually feel bad for
them.

MELISA
I just wonder if... I don't know...
what if they're right?

BETH
Excuse me?

MELISA
I heard something crazy. People
talk, you know?

BETH
Spit it out.

MELISA
I heard you and James had... sexual
intercourse in the chapel. That
didn't really happen, did it?

BETH
Of course not.

MELISA
Thank the Lord.

BETH
He just ate me out.

MELISA
(rubbing a rosary)
Ay, dios mio!

BETH
So what?

MELISA
What if Reverend Harry is right?
What if your blasphemous actions
bring plague upon the Radiance?
 11.

BETH
(laughing)
Don't be ridiculous, Mama. If the
wrath of God was real, I'd have
spent the last decade vomiting
blood.

Beth scratches a small rash on her wrist. Melisa watches,

eyes wide, praying under her breath.

CUT TO BLACK
 12.

ACT TWO

6. INT. RADIANCE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

DR. CARLYLE SPINK (82) — an eccentric doctor with Einstein

hair — peers through a magnifying glass.

THROUGH MAGNIFYING GLASS, we see a rash.

JAMES sits on a table with his shirt off. Dr. Carlyle applies
cream to a rash on his arm.

DR. CARLYLE
That's scabies, all right.

JAMES
Damn! What's that? Sounds bad.

DR. CARLYLE
Sarcoptes scabiei — an eight-legged
microscopic mite —has burrowed into
your flesh, causing irritation and
— [inflammation]

JAMES
Gross. How'd I get it?

DR. CARLYLE
Transmission typically occurs
through prolonged physical contact,
like sexual intercourse, though it
can also occur by sharing bedding
or clothing. Possibly a combination
of the two — sexual contact while
one party is wearing a used article
of clothing? A wedding dress rented
by cruise ship guests, perhaps?

JAMES
Jesus! How far does a rumor have to
spread to get to you, Doc?

DR. CARLYLE
Word travels fast on the Radiance.
I must warn you, some of the more
superstitious crew members —

JAMES
The Guatemalans?

DR. CARLYLE
— are concerned your condition may
be a sort of... plague?
 13.

JAMES
Great. Just great. Wait, Doc, quick
question — you said scabies can
spread through fabric, right?

DR. CARLYLE
Correct...

JAMES
What about, i dunno, pleather?

DR. CARLYLE
James. Don't tell me you've been
using that damned massage chair.

JAMES
Uhhhh.. it helps my scoliosis.

DR. CARLYLE
Oh, James. Oh no...

CUT TO:

7. INT. CREW QUARTERS - NIGHT

CLOSE UP of a fried plantain dipping slowly into the

chocolate fountain. CLOSE UP of it being eaten.

CARL grimaces in disgust. SLAVOJ chews the plantain, getting

chocolate all over his hands and face.

SLAVOJ
(mouth full)
What?

CARL
Disturbing. Reminds me of watchin'
heifers chew their cuds.

SLAVOJ
(thick Eastern European
accent)
Carl, my man. You don't know how to
enjoy life.

CARL
Chocolate fountains are a breeding
grounds for bacteria. Y'all'll be
puking outta your asses by the end
of the week, mark my word.
(points to meat on the
fondue bar)
Why is there salami out? That's the
real question. Who's out here
eatin' chocolate meat?

A look of curiosity crosses Slavoj's face. He reaches slowly.

 14.

CARL (CONT'D)
Don't you dare.

Slavoj dips a piece of salami into the chocolate and eats it.
He thinks for a moment, then shrugs.

SLAVOJ
Sweet and salty. Just like you,
Carl.

Wrinkling his nose, Carl takes a piece of salami from the

fondue bar and holds it in front of a pocket in his overalls.
A tiny kitten pops its head out and nibbles on the salami.
Carl smiles. Slavoj looks disgusted.

CARL
Lil' Floyd Meoweather loves it.

SLAVOJ
You were just lecturing me about
germs!

CARL
Oh, can it. Kittens' mouths are
cleaner than humans'.

Carl holds the kitten up to the chocolate fountain. It laps

at the waterfall, getting chocolate all over its face. Slavoj
pulls out his phone and films the kitten.

SLAVOJ
Vorldstar!

WHIP PAN to SOLOMON in the massage chair. He scratches at a

rash on his neck.

SOLOMON
Y'all are gross.

WHIP PAN back to Slavoj, now holding his stomach.

SLAVOJ
Oof. Slavoj ain't feeling too good.

CUT TO:

8. INT. PUNCHLINER COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

MONTAGE set to WAR IS HELL by HO99O9.

-STU performs standup comedy. He scratches at his neckline,

then at the back of his arm. AUDIENCE MEMBERS scoot away.

-JACKSON wakes Stu up — he's fallen asleep in the massage

chair. Stu gets up and Jackson sits in the chair. MELISA
waits for her turn.
 15.

-CODY and BETH eat from the chocolate fountain. Cody dips his
entire hand in, laughing.

-Cody stands in the master bathroom of a luxury suite,

holding a towel while a SAUDI PRINCE shaves in the mirror.
Cody looks green and sways. He pukes abruptly into the towel.
The prince tosses him out of the room.

-A long line of CREW MEMBERS forms outside DR. CARLYLE's

office, including SOLOMON, Stu, Jackson, and Melisa. Everyone
scratches and itches themselves. They leave the office one-
by-one rubbing cream onto their skin.

-A long line of crew members forms outside the toilet,

including SLAVOJ, Cody, and Beth. People go in one-by-one to
vomit. They come out looking drained and pale.

-ANJELI burns the wedding dress in a metal barrel.

-CARL hoses down the chocolate fountain and dumps bleach all
over it.

END MONTAGE

CUT TO BLACK
 16.

ACT THREE

9. INT. GOLF SIMULATOR - NIGHT

CLOSE UP on a golf ball on a tee. A club thwacks it off.

JAMES watches a screen behind a net simulate his swing. The

digital ball plunks into a water hazard.

JAMES
Slice! I always slice.

BETH stands behind him holding a bucket of balls.

BETH
Slice me, daddy.

JAMES
Cool it. Remember how last time we
hooked up we caused a plague?

BETH
You don't actually believe that
shit, do you?

James' phone rings and he answers

JAMES
What up, Solomon?
(listens)
Nah, bro, we're up in GolfWorld.
(listens)
Dope, dope. Got booze?
(listens)
That'll work. Got bud?
(listens)
Bring that too. See you in a sec.

James hangs up. Beth gives him a look.

BETH
That dude gives me the willies.

JAMES
Come on. Solomon is full of it. He
acts hard but the dude wouldn't
hurt a sea star. Besides, have you
tried his toilet hooch? It's
divine.

CUT TO:

10. INT. CHAPEL - NIGHT

MELISA waddles back and forth across the dark stage, waving
burning sage and muttering.
 17.

ANJELI and CAPTAIN MORGAN watch her, arms crossed in doubt.

MELISA
(muttering)
Father Lord Baby Jesus, cleanse
this place of sin...

ANJELI
Is this what you called us down
for, Melisa? You do realize this is
a fire hazard, don't you?

CAPTAIN
Plus it smells like ass.

MELISA
I'm cleansing this palce of
spirits. It's the only way to rid
ourselves of plague and
infestation.

ANJELI
Listen — we're as fed up with the
scabies and diarrhea as you are.
But doesn't this seem a little...
superstitious?

MELISA
The Holy Madonna does not
appreciate your skepticism.

CAPTAIN
Anjeli is right, Melisa. This is
what we in the nautical field call
an overcorrection. Your voodoo
magic isn't gonna make the
preachers quit their tirade.

An alarm comes from The Captain's pocket. He pulls out an

electronic device with a radar screen. CLOSE UP to the screen
— a large object approaches the ship.

CAPTAIN
Jesus.

Melisa shoots The Captain a foul look.

ANJELI
What is it, Captain?

CAPTAIN
A fucking rogue wave twenty klicks
off our starboard.
(to Anjeli)
Initiate devastating wave sequence.
We have about an hour before it
hits. This is bad.
 18.

MELISA
See?

CAPTAIN
(serious now)
Melisa. Do you have any votives?
Holy water? Voodoo dolls? Time to
pull out all the stops.

Melisa cracks her knuckles.

CUT BACK TO GOLF SIMULATOR

James and Beth goof around. SOLOMON enters the golf simulator
followed by STU and CODY, all looking concerned.

JAMES
Dudes! Wait, what is this? Who's
got the bud?

SOLOMON
There's no bud, James. No hooch,
either. We gotta talk about
something serious.

BETH
If you guys aren't here to turn up,
kick rocks.

STU
(clearing his throat)
Bethany —

BETH
Not my name.

STU
— you know I like to party rock
until the sun comes up, just like
you. But my body is crawling with
crabs from my forehead to my
foreskin and I can't take it
anymore. You two gotta repent,
A.S.A.P.

JAMES
(scoffing)
Cody? Is that how you feel too,
bro?

CODY
(nervous)
Sorry, guys. I've had the squirts
for thirty-six hours. My pooper is
absolutely raw. I feel like I'm
friggin made of doo doo. Please
repent. For my pooper.
 19.

BETH
Solomon?

SOLOMON
When I was in the clink —

Everyone rolls their eyes.

SOLOMON
— there was this crip boss who
converted to the Nation of Islam.
Changed his name to Brother Shabazz
and grew a little following. After
a month or so, he got caught
sleeping with one of the girls.

JAMES
Girls? In lockup?

SOLOMON
They were girls to us. Not the
point - [of what I'm]

JAMES
Did you fool around with these
'girls?'

SOLOMON
A hole's a hole on the inside.

BETH
On the inside of the hole?

SOLOMON
Shut up, goddamnit! My point is,
y'all have apparently offended some
higher power. Now the rest of us
are all messed up. Make it right.

The room goes dark and a red light comes on. A siren sounds.

P/A
(pre-recorded voice)
Rogue wave approaching. Please
proceed to a room marked WAVE
SANCTUARY. This is not a drill.

Cody sobs.

STU
Now you've done it!

CUT TO:
 20.

11. INT. POOL - NIGHT

WIDE SHOT of the WHOLE CREW gathered around a pool in a room

lit only by the red emergency lights and blue pool lights.
JAMES and BETH are waist-deep in the pool, still wearing
their clothes. CAPTAIN MORGAN stands at the edge, taking off
his loafers.

CAPTAIN
I don't like this mumbo-jumbo any
more than y'all, but the fact is,
there's a big-ass wave coming right
for us. I'm throwing a Hail Mary.
Anjeli?

ANJELI
One week ago, I caught these two
copulating in the chapel.

Melisa tsks. The Captain wades into the pool.

ANJELI (CONT'D)
Shortly after, the holy men of the
Caribbean sent a lot of negative
energy our way. We're trying to
rectify the situation.

CAPTAIN
Our theory is this: If we do a
little backyard baptism, we might
be able to call off the dogs.
James? Beth? Any last words?

JAMES
(sarcastic)
Last words? How long are you gonna
hold us under?

ANJELI
You're about to get a clean slate.
Now's your chance to say any sinful
things you want.

BETH
In that case... cock? Rawdog,
cocksucker, titties, anal sluts —

MELISA
Dios mio.

CAPTAIN
By the power vested in me by the
ocean god Poseidon and his army of
crustaceans, I hereby pronounce
this woman re-baptized and pure of
sin!
 21.

BETH
Motherf —

The Captain dunks Beth in the pool. She pops up gasping.

BETH
Jesus Christ!

CAPTAIN
Beth! You can't say the Lord's name
in vain after you've been baptized!
Now we gotta do it again. By the
power vested in me, etcetera
etcetera.

This time, Beth plugs her nose and goes along with it. The
Captain moves on to James.

CAPTAIN
Same with this guy.

The Captain dunks James. When he surfaces, there's a moment

of silent apprehension. Everyone looks around.

The red light turns white and the distant alarm ceases.
Anjeli types furiously on a tablet.

CAPTAIN
Wait... did that... did that work?

ANJELI
It appears the wave will miss us by
a mile and a half.
(looking up in disbelief)
We're safe!

There's a collective outpouring of relief. Everyone cheers

and high fives.

BETH
(quietly to James)
I guess we're virgins again. You
know what that means...

JAMES
You're really gonnna squander your
one shot at salvation, huh?

BETH
Tight holes.

CUT TO BLACK
 22.

CLOSING ACT

12. EXT. BACK DECK - DAY

STU — nude and sweaty — flops off MELISA, — also nude. They
lay side-by-side on the deck.

MELISA
(cheekily)
You're a pig, Stuart. You know
that?

Stu snorts and oinks like a pig, poking and tickling Melisa.
She giggles.

STU
Aren't you worried about upsetting
our Lord and Savior again?

MELISA
No no no. This isn't a holy place.

Lightning strikes the distant ocean. A worried look crosses

Melisa's brow. She rubs her crucifix.

STU
Good! Because we can get a lot more
sinful, you know...

Grinning wickedly, Stu climbs back on top of her.

Something smacks onto the deck nearby. They both freeze and
look toward the noise.

STU (CONT'D)
Did... did you hear that?

MELISA
Look.

Melisa points to a lump on the deck a few yards away. Stu

army crawls over to examine the object.

STU
It's a friggin' frog. A dead one.

MELISA
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord
is with thee. Blessed art thou
among women, and blessed is the
fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

STU
Oh, come on. This happens. Haven't
you seen Magnolia?
 23.

The frog suddenly flips over, alive. Stu shouts and scrambles
back to Melisa. The frog looks at them and ribbits.

MELISA
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for
us sinners now and at the hour of
death.

Another frog smacks onto the deck. Then another. It starts

downpouring frogs.

STU
Lord, forgive me! Forgive me for
the sex! And for the finger-
blasting!

They take cover. Aerial shot of the deck covered in frogs.

CUT TO BLACK

WUT by LE1F plays over the credits.

THE END
paradi
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TRanqui
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