REPORT 01: THE

POWER OF LISTENING

By,
TAIHAN RAHMAN

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Willam Ury, in this speech at TEDx [San Diego] on the Theme

- “THE POWER OF LISTENING”:

There is an ancient and well-known philosophical riddle that asks-

“if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it; does it
still make a sound?

Thinking from a
scientific view,
one can easily
say that the tree
will make sound
waves in the air
but it takes “An
Ear” to hear that
sound wave.

So, my question is -” If a person speaks or if they offer a TED talk

for example, and no one listens to it; Is that real communication?

Listening; I believe is the missing half part of communication.

Necessary but often overlooked.

We live in an age often called– “THE AGE OF COMMUNICATION”

And certainly, with a lot of cell phones, text, tweets and emails.
There is a lot of talking going on; but how much listening can there
be with so many distractions and interruptions?

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So, my passion for the last past years has been helping people
get to “YES” in very tough negotiations - from family feuds to
board room battles; from labour strikes to civil wars. And I hear a
lot of talking but I don’t hear a lot of real listening. We think
about negotiations being about talking but it is really about
listening.
If you study the behaviours of successful negotiators, you find
that they listen far more than they talk. After we have given two
ears and one mouth for a reason; to at least listen twice as much
as we speak.
So why is it so important to listen?

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Let me tell you a story-

Some years ago, I was in Venezuela, serving as a third party
between the political party and the opposition, at the time of an
intense conflict. With a lot of people fearing a civil war. My
colleague, Francisco Diaz and I had an appointment with the
president, Hugo Chávez at 9 PM at the Presidential Palace.
Finally, at midnight, we were ushered in to see the President who
had his entire cabinet arrayed behind him.
He asked me: “So, Ury, what do you think of the situation going on
here?”
I said: “Mr President, I’ve been talking to your ministers here, and
to the opposition. And I think you’re making some progress.”
“Progress? What do you mean progress?” he shouted. “You’re
blind. You’re not seeing all the dirty tricks those traitors are up
to.” And he leaned in very close to my face and proceeded to
shout. What was I going to do?
Part of me felt like defending myself, naturally. But what good
would it do for me to get into an argument with the President of
Venezuela? How would that advance peace? So, I just listened. I
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gave him my full attention. I listened to where he was coming from.

And President Chavez was known – he was famous for making
eight-hour speeches.
But after 30 minutes of me just nodding and listening, I saw his
shoulders slowly sag. And he said to me in a very weary tone of
voice: “So, Ury, what should I do?” -That’s the sound of a human
mind opening to listen.
So, I said: “Mr President, it’s almost Christmas. The country needs
a break. Last year, all the festivities were cancelled because of the
conflict. Why not propose a truce this time so that people can enjoy
the holidays with their families? And after that, maybe everybody
will be in a better mood to listen.”
He said: “That’s a great idea. I’m going to announce that in my next
speech.” His mood has completely shifted. How? Through the
simple power of listening. Because I listened to him, he was more
ready to listen to me.
So, there are at least three important reasons why it’s important
to listen in any negotiation or conflict.

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The first is that it helps us understand the other side. Negotiation,

after all, is an exercise in influence. You’re trying to change
someone else’s mind. How can you possibly change someone
else’s mind if you don’t know where their mind is? Listening is key.
The second reason, just as important, is it helps us connect with
other human beings. It helps us build rapport. It builds trust. It
shows we care. After all, everybody wants to be heard.
And the third [reason] is, as, with President Chavez, it makes it
more likely that the other person is going to listen to us. It helps
us get to “Yes”.
In short, listening may be the cheapest concession we can make
in a negotiation. It costs us nothing, and it brings huge benefits.
Listening may be the golden key that opens the door to human
relationships.

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So how do we listen? Well,

it turns out that we often
take listening for granted
as something easy and
natural. But, at least in my
experience, real genuine
listening is something that
needs to be learned and
practised every day.
In ordinary listening, we’re
hearing the words. And we’re often thinking, “Where do I agree?
Where do I disagree? What am I going to say in response?” In
other words, the focus is on us.

In genuine listening,
however, the spotlight
moves to the other
person. We put ourselves
in their shoes. We tune in
to their wavelength. We
listen from within their
frame of reference, not
just ours. And that’s not
easy.

In genuine listening, we listen not just for what’s being said, but
for what’s not being said. We listen not just to the words, but to
what’s behind the words. We listen for the underlying emotions,
and feelings, the underlying needs, what that person needs or
wants.

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Let me give you an example:

About a year and a half ago, I was invited to ask a Brazilian
entrepreneur by the name of Abilio Diniz, to help him because he
was trapped in a titanic legal dispute with his French business
partner over the control of Brazil’s largest retailer. The Financial
Times called it perhaps the biggest cross-continental boardroom
showdown in recent history. It had gone on for two and a half
years, and it was immensely costly and stressful, not only to both
parties but to their families and the 150,000 employees of the
company.
So, when I sat down with Abilio in his home, I listened to his story.
And after that, I had a question. I said: “Abilio, help me understand
here. What do you want?”
And he said: “Well, I want the stock at a certain price. I want the
company headquarters. I want the elimination of the non-compete
clause.” And he gave me a list.

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But as I listened, I heard something deeper there that was

unspoken. So, I asked him: “Abilio, you’re a man who seems to
have everything. What are these things going to give you? What do
you most want in your life?”
He paused for a moment and thought about it. And finally, he
said: “Freedom. I want my freedom. I want to be free to pursue my
business dreams. And I want to be free to spend time with my
family.” That was it. I was hearing the human being behind the
words, not just the champion businessman.
So, once we were clear about his deepest need, then the
negotiation itself, while challenging, became a lot easier. And in
four short days, my colleagues and I, by listening to the other side,
we're able to take this titanic dispute and resolve it with a
settlement that left both sides highly satisfied.
As Abilio being a friend in the process later told me, “I got
everything I wanted. But most importantly, I got my life back.” How
did that happen? Through the simple power of listening.

So, if listening is so useful, why isn’t everyone doing it?

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To tell you the truth, it’s not so easy. If I reflect on my own

experience for a moment, there are times when I feel like I’m
listening pretty well in my work, only to go home and find out I’m
not listening so well to my wife, for example. It’s humbling. I can
tell you.
The real problem in the way, what makes it so hard to listen is that
there is so much
going on in our minds,
so much noise and
distraction that we
don’t have the mental
and emotional space
to be able to truly
listen to the other
side.
So, how do we clear our minds? It may seem odd, but the secret I
find is, if we want to listen to the other side, we have to learn to
listen to ourselves first. When I was sitting there with President
Chavez, what helped me was that, just beforehand, I had taken a
few moments of quiet just to pay attention to what was going on
for me. I listened to myself to quiet my mind. So, when he began
shouting, I was ready. I could notice that my cheeks were
reddening, and my jaw was a little clenched. I felt some fear and
some anxiety. And by paying attention to those sensations and
emotions, I was able to let them go so that I could truly listen to
President Chavez.
So, what if, before an important, delicate or sensitive
conversation, we took a moment of silence just to tune in and
listen to where we are? I believe that if we did that if we truly
listened to ourselves first, we would find it a lot easier to listen to
others.

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So, the final question is, if we listened more, what difference would
it make in the world?

I believe it would make a huge difference. In the course of my

mediation work, I witnessed the enormous cost of conflict, the
broken relationships, the broken families, the stressed-out
workplaces, the ruinous lawsuits, and the senseless wars. What
always strikes me is the biggest opportunity that we have actually,
is to prevent these conflicts even before they start. How do we do
that? It’s not easy, but it almost always starts with one simple step.
Listening.
So, this is my dream. A listening revolution that can turn this Age
of Communication into an Age of Listening. In other words, an age
of true communication. Imagine for a moment a world in which
every child learns to listen at an early age. What if we taught
listening in school like we teach reading, as a core skill? Because
after all, listening is how you read people.

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Imagine a world in
which parents learn to
listen to their children.
What better way, after
all, is there for us to
teach our children to
listen to us than for us
to listen to them? What
better way for us to
show our children that they truly matter? What better way is there
to show our love?
And as a bonus, maybe we’d see happier marriages and fewer
divorces, as couples learned to listen to each other. Imagine a
world in which leaders learned how to listen to their people. What
if we chose leaders based on their ability to listen, not just talk?
What if listening became the norm in our organizations and not
just the exception? What if on radio and TV we had not just talk
shows, but listened to shows? What if we had not just peace talks,
but peace listens? I firmly believe that we’d get to ‘yes’ a lot more
often. We might not eliminate all conflict, but we would avert a lot
of fights and wars. And everybody would be much better off. I, very
happily, might be out of a job. That’s my dream.
And while it may seem audacious, it’s not that complicated.
Because listening can be a chain reaction in which each person
who is genuinely listened to feels naturally inspired to listen to the
next. Listening can be contagious. So, I invite you to start this chain
reaction today, right here, right now. In your next conversation with
a colleague, or client, a partner, or a child, a friend or a stranger,
give them your full attention. And listen to the human being behind
the words. Because one of the biggest gifts we can give anyone is
the gift of being heard.

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With the simple power of listening now, we can transform our

relationships, our families, and our world for the better, ear by ear.
Thank you for listening.

**REFERENCE: TEDx TALKS (YOUTUBE)

THE POWER OF LISTENING