EFFECTIVE PARENTING: ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES

You chose to have children. In doing so, you took on the

responsibility for raising them to be polite, caring and cooperative.
Our nation’s schools are filled with these unruly children, who not
having any moral guidance or discipline, simply carry on as
destructively as they do at home. Why not? No one’s ever told them
differently.

I’ve had so many young parents ask me how I manage to control my

children, when theirs are so completely unruly. Having been in
homes where children routinely jump on furniture, climb on kitchen
counters, destroy their toys and disrespect their parents, I am struck
by one thing. There are no boundaries set in these homes. When a 5-
year-old smacks Mommy HARD, when thwarted or upset, and
Mommy doesn’t react, there is a serious problem. Children are
allowed to fall asleep when they want, eat what they want, and say
what they want, regardless of who they impact with their behaviour.
In talking with these parents, they tell me they want to be friends
with their children. Many don’t believe discipline is necessary and
that children somehow magically grow up to discipline themselves.
My response to this is rubbish! I’ve seen computers damaged, VCRs
ruined, and furniture broken, all in the name of this creative form of
parenting. The extreme self-centeredness of these kids is alarming, If
their needs aren’t gratified immediately., everyone within a one
block radius can hear their displeasure. One friend of mine called me
crying after her 4-year-old daughter slapped her full in the face for
refusing to go get her pizza. Sound extreme? Farfetched? It’s not. It’s
been going on in American homes for a long time. What went wrong
and can it be changed? What went wrong is fairly obvious to most
people. Children need defined limits. They require routines, which
give them a sense of safety and security. Above all, they need their
primary role models to act like adults, and not like absent minded
bigger kids. Can the behaviour in these homes be changed? Yes. With
consistency and hard work. This doesn’t mean changing from the
Good Fairy into the Witch of Endor overnight. It took time to build
this set of responses in your children, and it will take time and
patience to change them.

Starting with smaller things first. I don’t want you jumping on

furniture or climbing on counters. This is not a safe way to play.
Why? Because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt. Two,
because this is Mommy and Daddy’s home and you will learn to
respect it. You must then set a consequence for not respecting these
limits and enforce it consistently. If the child routinely leaves toys
strewn everywhere without picking them up, warn them they will
lose them the next time they’re left out. And do it! If your child
damages something of yours, take away something of hers. Explain
that damaging property has consequences, that it must be paid for.
Set boundaries on your personal areas of the home, or personal
items. Explain to
your child that if they want you to respect their property, they must
respect yours. This means purses, wallets and your own grooming
items are off limits. Computers are not a child’s personal toy. They
are an expensive item still in many homes, and your children need to
be taught to respect that investment. If a young child has their own
computer and abuses it, remove it until they can show some
understanding of why we don’t treat them this way. Same for
personal VCRs, radios and TVs. I don’t approve of very young children
having these items in the first place. Very often they are simply a
baby sitter for their parents.

If your child hits you in anger, you must move swiftly to stop this
before it becomes a habit. The next time a child strikes you in anger,
pick them up to eye level. Tell them firmly that you are their parent
and are NOT to be hit ever again. As with tantrums, remove them
from the room and place them in a quiet place. Make sure there is
no form of entertainment available. Even a corner will work. If you
get hit again, remove every toy they own. The important thing is not
to strike back in anger. If the child is kicking and screaming, a swift
hard swat to the bottom before placing in the corner works well.
There is an exception to this. If you have a child that routinely hits
out of anger, not only you, but anyone nearby, a physical and
psychological evaluation may be necessary. Establish regular
mealtimes. If the child requests a drink or snack, teach them to say
please and thank you. You get the item, not the child. This sets limits
an out-of-control child badly needs. Bedtimes need to be
established, with an occasional family late night as a reward for
cooperating. An hour before bed, bathe the child. Set a story telling
half hour aside with them, just prior to bed. If they cry and refuse
bedtime, there will be no playtime the next day. Firmly return them
to their rooms, each time they get up. Tell them they lose 15 minutes
of playtime for each time you are disturbed. It took time, as I said, to
develop the negative behaviour, it will take time and patience to
reverse them. If you are consistent, within a month you should see
some major behavioural changes in your children. If not, intervention
might be required. You chose to have children. In doing so, you took
on the responsibility for raising them to be polite, caring and
cooperative. Our nation’s schools are filled with these unruly
children, who not having any moral guidance or discipline, simply
carry on as destructively as they do at home. Why not? No ones ever
told them differently. As I tell my boys, I’m your parent, not your
friend. I love you. And that means that I have to make sure you
behave in safe ways, that you are someone people enjoy having
around. I’ve explained even adults have rules that we have to live by
every day. Being a strong disciplined parent means having the
strength of character to care about how your child will impact
society as they grow. A healthy family is a reflection of life as a
whole. Loving, considerate, respectful of each other’s feelings and
property. Raising happy healthy children keeps Americas promise of
a better future, a stronger society and a better world.