I originally collated this guide for an Iranian immigrant greengrocer in N.

London, to help him learn

the language and fit in etc. I think it was of limited use though. Later I expanded it to help my
nieces talk like gormless, poorly-educated fools. Sometimes it can be handy to come across as
thick, tedious and/or chav-like. It lowers people’s expectations (n’wot not). It’s amusing to slot this
rubbish into your daily chat because virtually no-one will pick you up on it. Enjoy yourself by
sending people into a stupor with this waffle (if that’s your cup of tea)...............Z 2021

USEFUL USELESS EXPRESSIONS (& GUIDE TO WAFFLING):

Intros (mostly)

....as the saying goes

...as they used to say in the old(en) days
....as it were
to get down to biznus,....
to get down to the real nitty gritty.....
its swings and roundabouts
its as broad as its long
in for a penny in for a pound (as the ol saying goes).
if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times....
to get to the point....
In reality...
in the final analysis....
at the end of the day...
when all said and done....
that said / that being said.....
all in all...
all I've got to say is this....
can I say one fing?....
now that I fink of it / come to fink of it.....
if I had a quid for every time I heard that, I'd be a millionaire
to be fair though....
i'll tell you what....
generally speaking...
it’s sort of like....
needless to say....
well you know what they say?...
first things first......
here's the thing.....
when all's said and done....
listen,.....
all I've got to say on the matter is....
at the risk of sounding repetitive....
........pardon my french
you don’t have to be Albert Einsten to realise that.....
you don’t have to be a genius to realise that.....
happy days
its like them there [thingumajigs]... (cuntry bumpkin style)
can I say one fing?

Semi-pointless greetings that will usually get a meaningless reply:

Wot u sayin?
wassup?
wot's goin on?
wots happenin?
orwight?
Meaningless responses (replying to somefing anuver person's said):

dear oh dear (sometimes followed up with "wot are u like?" said with a chuckle a la Ainsley
Harriott)
would you adam and eve it
cor blimey
streuth
gordon bennit
flippen eck
stone the crows
would u credit it
would you believe it /I can't believe it
very good / jolly good
awesum
OMG
what is the world coming to?
bless my soul/lord of mercy /goll-E / lord-E /oh my days /flippin eck / kin'ell / cryk-E / cor /
eh?
ke?
ye wot?
u don't say
I dunno wot to say
I'm flabbergasted / my ghast is well-flabbered (a Frankie Howerd)
knock me sideways (a la Carry On)
wot a palava /wot a carry-on
I'm lost for words
right u are
you're not wrong there m8
u gotta be jokin / u gotta be havin a larf
is that a fact?
That’s wicked / mentals / sick/ pukka /
sorted
seen
that’s a bit special / a bit good / a bit of orwight/ a bit fruity / a bit naughty / a bit tidy / a bit rich
fair play / fair play to u m8
good luck to you
that’s smashin / that’s luveli / tha’ts grand / that’s super (a la Jim Bowen)
jolly good
fair enough
can't complain / mustn't grumble / not too bad / rollin along / duckin n divin / good as gold / its all
good / right as rain / (in reply to “how are u?”)
mentals /simples
...innit like
nuffin much /nuffing really/err...nuffing /not a lot / I dunno (in reply to "wot's happen?"/"wot u
sayin?" etc)
what can u say?
that old chestnut.../ that ol nugget
you can say that till the cows come home
u can say that again m8
totally
it is what it is
okey dokey (or "okiley dokily" a la Ned Flanders)
yer jokin
fancy that
is that right?
It's all good
each to their own
there's no accounting for taste
there's no tellin some people..........
i'm speechless
i'm gobsmacked
come again?
I'll be dammed
no way jose
its par for the course
...no surprises there then
that takes the biscuit that does
you can say that again
wotever tickles yer fancy /takes yer fancy
wotever rocks yer boat /floats yer boat
wotever puts wind in yer sails
wotever turns you on
wots the world comin to?

the "....one" technique

this can be used as a reply to virtually anything anyone says….ie just reply ”nice one” / “good
one”/ “bad one” / “top one” etc

mix up the "one" device with the "oh, that’s a bit...." formulation....ie "oh, that's a bit.......good/bad
etc"

the "can't remember" technique:

wot woz I gonna say?...hang on a sec... it'll come to me in a minute...its on the tip of my
tongue...no...no its gone...
wot do you call it?...
wot’s the word I'm lookin for?
oh I've lost mi thread...
wot do u call vat fing?...a whatchamacallum..a fingymajig...oh I've forgotten the name

the "well, u know wot they say?" reply technique:

after sayin "well u know u know wot they say?", add one of these overused cliches [for best effect
choose a saying which has nothing to do with the issue you are talking about.....the other person
will then spend needless mental energy trying to decipher the point you are making]...also you
can pause a little after sayin "well u know wot they say?" & the other person will then probably
say "no, wot?"... that sets up your next bit of nonsense perfectly; it also makes the other person to
blame for your gibberish as they asked you the question.

a stitch in time saves nine

a bird in the hand in worth two in the bush
too many cooks spoil the broth
many hands make light work
the early bird catches the worm
u can't make an omelette wivout crackin an egg
more haste less speed
u can't judge a book by its cover
appearances can be deceptive
the rain in spain stays mainly on the plain
in for a penny, in for a pound
when the going gets tough the tough get going
an apple a day keeps the doctor away
it never rains but it pours
money doesn’t grow on trees
money can't buy you happiness
every man loves the smell of his own farts
where there's a will there's a way
you cant teach an old dog new tricks
a fish rots from the head down
absolute power corrupts absolutely
you learn by your mistakes
absence makes the heart grow fonder
actions speaks louder than words.
always look on the bright side
its like bangin yer head against a brick wall
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
beggars can't be choosers
better late than never
better the devil you know
birds of a feather flock together
takes one to know one
blood is thicker than water
curiosity killed the cat
yer dammed if you do n'yer dammed if ya don't
don’t count yer chickens before they're hatched
don’t look a gift horse in the mouth
every dark cloud has a silver lining
the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
he who larfs last, larfs loudest
many a wise word is said in jest
he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword
his eyes are bigger than his stomach
his bark is worse than his bite
hope springs eternal
if the shoe fits, wear it
if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
out of the fryin pan and into the fire
in for a penny, in for a pound
there's no point cryin over spilt milk
its wots on the inside that counts
it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog that counts
it takes two to tango
a leopard doesn't change its spots
live and let live
the more things change the more they stay the same
necessity is the mother of invention
no pain, no gain
there's no accounting for taste
if yu don't ask ya dot get
nothing ventured, nothing gained
one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel
rome wasn't built in a day
the road to hell is paved with good intentions
a rolling stone gathers no moss
that's the sixty-four thousand dollar question
that's the way the cookie crumbles
there's no such thing as a free lunch
there should be a law against type of fing
time stands still for no man
fings aint wot they used to be
truth is stranger than fiction
two heads are better than one
two wrongs don't make a right
it takes all sorts
variety is the spice of life
when in Rome do as the Romans do
there's none so blind as those who refuse to see
no point closin the stable door after the horse has bolted
the apple doesn't drop far from the tree

...at the end add something like "as it were" / "yu know wot I'm sayin?" / ya get me? / innit(s)

the pointless prepositions technique:

its like, sort of....um .....kind of proper-good-like (n'everyfing)

proper-(nice/good/mentals/special etc)
well-(nice/good/mentals etc)
a bit-(special/nice/good/tidy etc)
(adjective)-like
pointless adverbs:

apparently.....
ultimately.....
basically.....
actually...
literally...
totally......

the "....but....." technique: (aka the “self-exculpatory device”)

i don't want to mess around but..../ I'm not messin around but...
i don't mean to dilly dally but....
i'm not wantin to faff around, but....
no point wafflin' on about fings, but......
no point pussyfootin around, but.....
it may not be everyone's cup of tea but (if u ask me).......
I'm the last person to complain, but.....
I'm the last person anyone could accuse of being a bigot/racist but....
It’s not my business/job to say, but
I don't mean to let the cat out of the bag but....
i hope I'm not speakin' out of turn but
hope u don't mind me sayin', but....
I'm not one to get on a high horse about fings, but.....
I'm not one to judge people, but...
I don't want/mean to split hairs, but....
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...
they don’t teach you this in school, but...
there's no easy answer, but...
don't quote me on this but...
I'm not one for standing on ceremony,but....
there's no point repeating myself, but...
I'm not an expert about these things but.....
I know there's no need to state the obvious, but...
I'm not tryin to be funny but.....
I can't say for sure, but.....
I could be wrong, but I'd say that.....
i don't like to make a fuss out of fings for the sake of it, but.....
I'm not one to mince my words, but....

the "without....." technique:

without further ado...

without wantin to make a mountain out of a mole hill.....
without wantin to make out a meal of fings....
without wantin to beat about the bush.......
without wantin to skirt around the issue......
without wantin to state the obvious....
without wantin to get on a high horse about fings.....
without wantin to stand on ceremony.....
without wantin to sound all la-de-da...
without wantin to sound judgemental...
without wantin' to sound pedantic...
without wanting to stand on ceremony....

the "apologetic insult" technique (a sub-category of the “self-exculpatory device”)

No offence but....
Don’t mean to be rude/personal but....
.....no offence intended
Don’t get me wrong, but....
Hope u don't mind me sayin', but....
If you don't mind me saying......
the "perspective" technique:

from where I'm standing...../looking at fings from where I stand.....

from my perspective
from my point of view
as I see fings....
in my humble opinion
taking an overall view of things.....
looking at fings in the round
looking at fings in the cold light of day.....
looking at fings in hindsight
the way I see fings is....

Pointless "padder" endings: These gems can be used at the end of every phrase. Try stringin 3 or
4 of them at the end of a sentence to come across as really thick
.
.......n'everyfing
......n' wot not
......n' wot have u
......n' all vat sort of thing (NB to come across as a bit thick pronouce "thing" as "fing". Dju get
me?)
.....n'all vat sort of milarky
......n'wot u fancy
.....if yu get mi drift
.....if yu know what I mean
...n'all vem sort of fings

Pointless "interrogatory" type sentence endings:

....dja/ya get mi?

....dja/y'understand?
....dja/yu see where I'm comin from? /y'understand where I'm comin from?
....dja/yu know wot I'm sayin? (NB: add this at the end of every sentence for chav chat)
....dju/yu hear me?

The pointless "if" device

....if you'll pardon the expression

....if I may be so bold
....if I can put it that way/ if I can put fings this way....
if you don't mind me saying.....
if you'll allow me to say...
if I've said it once I've said it a 1000 times....
...if I do say so myself
.....if you'll forgive the pun
.....if you'll forgive the expression
......if I may be so bold
if u ask me....
if u want my opinion.....
If u want to know what I fink..
...if you don't mind me saying so
...if u get my gist

The "to summarize" device [After sending people into a stupor with your tedious waffle, come
across as thoughtful and incisive by then summarising your own bs]

In the final analysis......

Taking everything into account, I'd say...
Havin' said all that, the long and short of things is...
All fings considered.....
So to summarize...
Lookin’ at fings overall tho....
When all's said and done......
The "truth" technique

can I be honest wiv ya?

to be honest with you....
to tell you the truth.....
to be fair.....(used a lot by cock-a-neez)
I ain't gonna lie

The "Jim Bowen" technique

Whatever the other person says just reply (preferably in a Northern accent):

"Oh, thats smashin' is that" or "Oh, that's a bit smashin"

"Oh thats luvli is that"
"Oh that's super is that"
"Oh, super, smashin, luvli, great"
You can also add at the end "....., if you don’t mind me saying so" or similar [qv see the "if"
technique section)
"Thank you, kind sir"
"You can't beat a bit of......can u?"

The “Err…..Um” Technique

Add as many of these as you conceivably can to every sentence….even between every few
words…very tedious and irritating to listen to…..the more you add, the more gormless you’ll
appear….err….innit(s)

This technique can also be used in emails/letters etc….like a “phonetic” approach. Same can be
done for “cough” and other bodily sounds (n’ wot not)…, for example you can write “…..err…
yes… cough…. um,,,,,, (unnecessary clearing of throat)….innit”

Other handy wafflish expressions:

Dju no wot?
Can I say sumfing?
100%
when push comes to shove....
I'll say it till I'm blue in the face....
let me take the bull by the horns and say...
take it from me....
off the top of head I'd say that.....
a little bird told me....
let me lay my cards on the table for you...
last but not least I'd say.....
I make no bones about sayin..../ make no bones about it....
suffice it to say....
as far I'm concerned.....
but I have to say..
I can't help thinking that...
no-one knows better than me....
I don't have to tell you that.../you don’t need me to tell you that
at this moment in time....
there's always two sides to every story, but as far as I'm concerned...
with all due regard to [xyz] I'd say that.....
who’s to say whose right or wrong?
not wantin to drag things out, I would say that....
to be blunt about things / to be candid / to be frank
you may be interested to know that...
its as broad as it long
its six of one and half a dozen of the other
I guess
whatever
In fact
the truth of the matter is..
although I can't swear to it, I'd say that..
....to coin a phrase
the upshot of things is that...
...and so on and so forth
.....etcetra, etcetra
let there be no mistake/misunderstanding..../no doubt about it....
the reality of the situation is....
I'll go so far as to say, (when all's said and done)...
let me take this opportunity to say......
with respect.....
with all due respect
with the greatest of respect......
n'all those shennanigens
in the cold light of day.....
looking at things in hindsight
it goes without saying that...
to cut to the quick.......
needless to say.....
having said that.....
I have no hesitation in sayin,,,,,
to cut a long story short...
when all's said and done.....
in reality......
at the end of the day.....
how I can put this?....
....n'all that /n'that ( chav pronounces that" as "vat". Innit)
......not to put too fine a point on fings
...as like
its like.....
I mean.....
....as it were
in a way its like....
.....in a manner of speaking
...in so many words
....not to put too fine a point on it
if you like
....So to speak
....So to say
um.......err.......
Innit(s) NB – to come across as educationally sub-normal add an “s” at the end. Same fing when
referring to the Internet (ie say “Internets”)
done and dusted
Bob’s yer uncle, Fanny's yer Aunt
It’s the bees knees
It’s easy to say in hindsight
don't do anything I wouldn't
no ifs or buts about it
.....you can take that to the bank
It’s just one of vem fings
ADDENDUM: USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR SHOPKEEPERS (PRIMER FOR IMMIGRANTS)
(chav/cockney/essex)

1) Cheers/orwight:
mate
boss
guvna/guv
mi old china
mi old mucca
chief
bruv
G
sunshine
darlin
luv
mrs
mush
bwoy
sweetheart
darlin
blud
cuz
sis
geezer
fella
mi ol cocker
sunny jim

2) Add onto the end of every sentence:

innit(s)
n'everyfing
n'all that (or n'all vat) /n'that/n'vat
mate
man
ya get me? /ya get where I'm comin from? /ya hear me blud? /ya get mi drift?
na wot I mean?
n' then sum

3) Monetary expressions:

a nicker/quid (£1)
a lady godiva (£5)
a cockle and hen/a cockle/a mother hen (£10)
a score (£20)
a pony (£25)
a nifty (£50)
a century/a ton/a one-er (£100)
a monkey (£500)
dosh/wonga (money generally)
earns a nice wedge

4) Goodbye expressions:

stay lucky (or be lucky)

laters (pronounced “lay,uz”)
god bless
turrar (a la Terry from Minder..avoid sounding like Cilla Black though)
cheers
cheerio m8
see u in a bit m8
take care m8
look after yerself m8
all du best m8
5) Hello expressions:

orwight m8
wotcha m8
what can I do you for m8/luv/my luvli?
wot u sayin (blud/rudeboy etc)?
wot’s yer fancy luv?
How’s tricks m8?
wot’s with the long face - u a horse?
ya doin orwight m8?
ow ya doin m8?

6) The "one" sentence (usually add "mate" at the end):

nice one
good one
bad one
top one

7) The "a bit" sentence. ie something is.... :

a bit special
a bit tasty
a bit naughty
a bit of alright
a bit fruity

8) Pronunciation Rules: change "th" to "v" or "d" wherever possible ie

Dey or Vey - They

Dat or Vat - That
Den or Ven - Then
Der or Ver - There
Wiv - With
Vu or du - The

Exceptions:

"thing" - always pronounced "fin" or "fingy".

"thanks" - always pronounced "fanks"
NB: When a "th" appears in the middle or at end of a word it’s generally changed to "f" ie
everything - everyfing
"ted" ending as in "suited n booted" - pronounced always with a hard "i" from back of throat ie
"booted" becomes "boo,id".
"ter" ending - pronounced "uh" - the "t" is placed by a belly "uh" sound ("shooter" = "shoe,uh")
"ate" as in "mate" - the "t" is never pronounced - its replaced with an "u" sound from back of
throat. As if u'r swallowing your words. N'everyfing.
Ain’t - Isn't/haven't (again the "t" is never spoken)
"And" is pronounced "n"
"ing" - g is normally left silent - ie something = sumin
"my" = "mi"

9) Useful meaningless expressions [also see section 2 for pointless sentence endings]:

to be honest /can I be honest wiv u?

trus me
at the end of the day
safe
seen
Bob’s yer uncle
lovely jubbly
nice one
smashin
dear o dear
cor dear
i dunno
umm
err
right u are
would u credit it
too right m8
job's a goodun
cor blimey (m8)
fair play (m8)
straight up m8
am I right m8?
the ol'/ ve' ol (add before any noun)
yuno like
if u ask me m8/luv
for real /keep it real
strait up g/m8
its one of dem fings.
wot can u do m8/ wot can u say m8?
it ain’t half...(ie it ain’t half parky m8...add before an adjective)
ask no questions, tell no lies
if truth be known

10) Adjectives:

proper (nice) [proper-like]

nuff
well (good/nice)
fukin (use as much as possible)
sort ov

11) Toilet related expressions:

i'm goin for a donald (ie a donald trump - a dump)

gonna see a man about a dog / see a dog off to the coast
i'm poppin out for a pie n mash (ie a slash)
I need a jimmy riddle (ie piddle)
I'm goin for a pony (ie pony n trap - crap)
I'm off for a gypsy's kiss (piss)
the karzy/the crapper (toilet)
Got a tuch of ve ol delly belly

12) General expressions:

I'm (well) gutted m8

good as gold (normally in reply to "how ya doin m8"?)
mingin (pronounced minjin) /minger
diamond geezer
chuffed to bits/chuffed to pieces
a real gem
naaaah (no)
whatever
sumin (somthing)
tar m8/luv (ie thank you)
nice gaf (ie house)
on the blower (phone)
o bless you (sympathetically or thankfully)
not on your nelly
sorted
sweet as (a nut) m8
uch
done n dusted
suited n booted
effin n blindin'
duckin n divin
oy mate
come off it m8
leave it out m8
mad for it /well up for it
idjut (ie idiot)
yer not wrong there m8
get that down yer neck m8
defo
mental
wicked
sick
rank
mint
tidy
a fing
its bangin
cabbaged
mashed up
givin it large
top boy
player
on the rob
chill/chilled/chill-out/chillin wiv
vibes
cobblers
smashin
what u like?...cor dear (used a lot by Ainsley Harriet)
to love something/someone "to bits"/"to pieces" (like on the Jeremy Kyle show)
means the world to me
that ol chestnut
yer cakehole / yer mush /yer larfin gear/yer gob
yer minces (mince-pies - eyes)
mi khyber pass /mi jacksie (arse)
yer boat(-race) ie face
larfin boy
have a butchers at,,,.
hold yer horses
to go off on one (ie don’t go off on one m8)
he was rarrin on wiv himself (n' all vat)
respect
big up yourself/big yourself up
stitched up like a kipper
to the fullest
goes down a treat m8
its a wind-up m8
old bill
best of order
a bit iffy
it pongs
it don’t half..(ie stink/pong luv/m8)
dodgy
the ol delly belly
nobby styles
a charver
an ol codger / an ol duffer
an ol dear
old-skool
a fruitcake
a dollybird
a bird
a bitch
she's fit
coining it in /minting it
to have a result / a right result m8
it’s the dogs bollocks
i don’t give a monkeys
I'm doin mi nut
fill yer boots
fit as a butcher's dog
flash Harry/flash git
a little blighter / towrag
bling
a little pike
a right milarky/wot a palarva
yer chattin shit m8
gobby/mouthy (ie u mouthy git)
its bangin
get stuck in
give it some welly
its all gone pear-shaped
quality
seen
hunky dory
a jammy dodger (ie someone who’s lucky)
load of old bollocks
cushty
the old lady/the mrs/er indoors
nice bit o crumpet
a ruckuss
a ding dong
a knees-up
a nosh-up
manor
shooter
he's well sloshed/sozzled/rsoled/he's had a skinful/he's on the lash/on the razzle/pissed as a
newt/off his head/lost his marbles
he grassed me up /i've been stitched up
he's got sticky fingers
on the fiddle
its a fair cop /caught me bang to rights
i need a brew/cup o char/cuppa
vat'll put a spring in yer step m8
just for a larf /just for a giggle
wuhay
look at the ars/tits on that
to have a swift/crafty one down yer local
fancy a ruby murray? (curry) /full english?
I'm not being funny m8, but..
they're sellin like hot cakes m8
he was slaggin me off
cheer up m8
big time (ie I'm up for it big time)
gear (ie u still on the gear m8?)
to go out of a night/morning etc....(change "at" to "of an")
goin darn vu greasy spoon / caf
I’m buzzin for it
U’ve mugged me off

13) Expressions of Exasperation/Surprise

Streuth
Gordon Bennet
would u adam and eve it
flippin eck
bludy nora
bludy ellfire
u gotta be jokin (m8)
would u credit it
cor, dear o dear m8
stone du crows
‘kinell m8
14) Weather related observations:

its a bit parky

its a bit nippy (or it ain’t half nippy m8)
its enough to freeze the nuts off a brass monkey m8
its chuckin it darn
its pissin darn (ie its raining)
hot/cold enuff for u luv/m8?
miserable old day innit
(in reply to any customer comment on weather, normal to say "ye innit"/"yer not wrong there m8/u
can say that again m8”)

15) To deal with difficult customers:

sling yer hook (m8)

on yer bike (m8)
fuk off/piss off (m8)
fuk's sake m8
do one (m8)
yer out of order m8, well out of order
yer barred m8
sort it out m8
keep yer hair on m8
do I look like a mug/muppet?
ya havin a larf (m8)?
reel yer neck in m8
jack it in m8
u'r bang out of order m8
give it a rest m8/luv
leave it out m8
i ain’t got all day m8
u off ur head m8?
wot u on m8?
u lost yer marbles m8?
Don’t get chippy/mouthy/lippy wiv me m8/luv
pack it in m8
jog on m8
u takin the micky m8?/u extracting the michael?/takin the piss m8?
buzz off m8
I've add it up to 'ere wiv u m8
u'r givin me gbh of the earole m8
sod off m8
don’t get yer knickers in a twist luv
don’t lose it m8
that's a bit rich m8

16) Complaining Expressions:

it ain’t half playing me up/ givin me sum gip (about knee/back etc)
sod this for a game of soldiers
couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery
its gettin on my wick (or right up my wick)
its doin my head in
I don’t need this sort of grief m8

17) Terms of abuse:

u f***in muppet
u cheeky c***
u bloody liberty-taker
tealeaf (a thief)
18) Songs to whistle (for mockney usage) : How much is that doggy in the window/ pop goes the
weasel/circus "roll-up" themes/laurel and hardy theme/dads army theme/carlin black label theme -
the body to satisfy/daisy daisy, give me yer answer do/ the okie koky/down at the old bull n
bush/knees up mother brown/my old man's a dustman/benny hill theme/the lambeth walk/long
way to tipperary /bridge over river kwai whistling song

19) Songs to whistle (for chav usage) - McDonald's "I'm luvin it"