End of Life Assignment: Death Over Dinner

Death Over Dinner

Joseph Morales

Health 102: Healthy Aging

End of Life Activity Reflection 2020

California State University Channel Islands

Spring 2020
End of Life Assignment: Death Over Dinner

I decided to be a part of Death over Dinner, but it took me some time to decide who I was

going to invite. I am currently a certified nursing assistant (CNA) and have been for about four

years. This job has opened the doors to life and death. My first three years of being a CNA I

worked in a skilled nursing facility providing assistance to patient’s. I took care of patients who

have been diagnosed with dementia and I would help them with their daily living activities such

as brushing their teeth, sponge baths or showers, and feeding. Many of theses patients did not

want to live here because they felt alone, and patient’s family members only visited them if

lucky twice a year with no phone calls. As care givers we try to talk to them as much as possible

but there so much me can do.

In the year of 2019, I was hired in a hospital in Camarillo and I would be working on the

Sub-acute floor. Most of these patients are in vegetative state being supported by life with a

ventilator to support their breathing and artificial tube feeding for nutrients. They are suction as

needed with a fourteen-gage catheter when they are not able to cough of excess secretion. I

completely support their family’s decision to keep family members in this state (not being able to

scratch when a part of their body is itchy or press the call light right away), but I sometimes ask

myself what if the patient would be able to speak again would they want to be in this physical

state. Before for working in this hospital I only thought life and death existed but there is also an

in-between where life, quality but quantity. There was a patient who was connected with tubes

from left and right but was very alert and capable of speaking. We had a moment where she

made me cry because she said this was not life. She enjoyed going for hikes and passionate about

eating. She wanted to die not because she was depressed but because it was time but had no

choice because her husband was being selfish in keeping her alive.
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In the TedMed Video with Lucy Kalanithi she shared her story about her husband Paul

who was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer (tumors in lungs and bones). Lucy and Paul are

both physicians and discussed about what he wanted towards the end of life. They both

understood and accepted his diagnosis. It would the best for both of them now that he was closer

to death by saying things out loud . “Half of critical care nurses and a quarter of ICU doctors

have considered quitting their jobs because of distress over feeling that for some of their patients,

they've provided care that didn't fit with the person's values. But doctors can't make sure your

wishes are respected until they know what they are (2017, June 7),” This made me think if I

don’t tell people what I want when I die or get sick, then how are my family members or partner

going to know if they made the right choice and I don’t want them to feel guilty if they do not

know which is the best decision.

Even if we wanted to avoid death it is not possible because it’s the “package deal” many

people are afraid to die because of regrets they made throughout their lifetime or wanting more

time. Being a gay twenty-six-year-old man comes with obstacles and lots of them because not

everyone believes in homosexuality and I always had this fear of not being accepted by my loved

ones, especially my mom. I always had a better connection with her and there was a sense of

relief when I came out to her because she accepted part my identity. I have found an

“undesirable” aspect of myself, one about which I previously had felt ashamed and kept tucked

away (5 Things Death Can Teach Us About Living Life to The Fullest). I was hiding for a long

time because of the bulling I had encounter in high school. Many people from the LGBTQ are

not able to say they were able to tell their moms when they were alive and wish they have done

so. Before coming out I would hide and walk with my head held down. Once I came it there was

no shame and being gay it’s an amazing thing. Life is too short, so I try to face my challenges.
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As I started to get my head together to plan on who I will be discussing my healthcare

values if anything happens to me. It was really difficult because I come from a larger Mexican

family with four sisters and two brothers who are educated and have their own opinions. I

decided to only invite my partner, mom, and one of my sisters. I came up with these three

individuals in a selfish manner. I wanted to have a backup in a way just in case I get mad at one

of them or they stop talking to me. I would want to die at home if I ever got sick with any

chronic disease. When I asked my mom if should would join for an important meeting and later

informed what it was about, she thought I was depressed and started to pray. My partner started

to cry when I asked him because he though it is a scary thought to think someone you love might

die. In the other hand it made my sister think that having things plan out are better than having

“what if” stuck in your thoughts.

I did not have dinner when we talked about death because I thought this would be weird,

chewing and crying at the same time. If I would start to cry, I wanted to make sure there was

nothing in my mouth. During quarantine and Coivd-19, it was the best time to discuss this

because not everyone was working and there was more time to plan this meeting. It was hosted at

my mother’s house with just us four together at five in the afternoon. My rules were: not talking

over each other, this was about me, and be respectful. I am a guy that likes to get straight to the

point and not go around in circles. In addition, I told them that I do not want to be placed on a

ventilator if I was going to be on it for the rest of my life. I do not want to be resuscitate (DNR)

if there is no more quality of life for me to on this earth. Since I am open to trying different kinds

of food orally being placed on artificial feeding by connecting a tube to my gastric system is not

an option. Finally, I certainly do not want excessive or unwanted treatment because “living is

more than just staying alive (2017, June 7).”

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References

(2017, June 7). Retrieved May 6, 2020, from https://www.tedmed.com/talks/show?id=624550

5 Things Death Can Teach Us About Living Life To The Fullest. (2017, December 15).

Retrieved from https://fiveinvitations.com/thought-catalog-5-things-death-can-teach-us-about-

living-life-to-the-fullest/