1

00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,151

Where's your helmet?

2
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:42,309
<i>This woman's gonna get
what she wants today</i>

3
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,547
<i>Barney's gonna buy
a new sconce today</i>

4
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:51,051
<i>Gonna buy a broom
to play quidditch today</i>

5
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:55,556
<i>Waylon's gonna get
some kitsch today</i>

6
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,500
<i>I'm gonna buy
some figurines today</i>

7
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,836
<i>Some lovely
pastoral scenes today</i>

8
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,839
<i>I've finally found
the rare girl with goat</i>

9
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,742
<i>I'll stash them all
in my NPR tote</i>

10
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,177
<i>Today</i>

11
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,682
<i>The shoppers always haggle,
low price</i>

12
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:25,485
<i>And Flanders always gives in,
too nice</i>

13
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,189
<i>Too nice, too nice</i>

14
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:32,125
<i>I'll sell these fuzzy dice</i>

15
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:37,531
<i>Maude bought them
as a joke I did not get</i>

16
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,701
<i>Today, today</i>

17
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,171
<i>We'll sell our toys,
we pray</i>

18
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,476
<i>'Cause playing is a sin
that we regret</i>

19
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,058
<i>Criterion Collection,
Meryl Streep</i>

20
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,928
<i>A box of Easter candy,
all Peeps</i>

21
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,464
<i>Today, today</i>

22
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:14,067
<i>I'll undersell eBay</i>

23
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:19,306
<i>We'll get some useless crap
today!</i>
24
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,676
See, Marge?
We skip one rehearsal,

25
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,177
and we're totally lost.

26
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:26,480
<i>Today!</i>

27
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,816
Wow, Mr. Flanders.

28
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,119
You're selling
your used birthday candles?

29
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,987
They relight themselves.

30
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,356
I won't have voodoo
in the house.

31
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,358
I'm one. I'm two.

32
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,294
I'm three. I'm dizzy.

33
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,701
Do you really want to sell
these precious memories?

34
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,371
They're just
earthly possessions, Marge.

35
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:55,108
All I need is God in my heart,
the good book in my hand, and...
36
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877
What are you heathens doing

37
00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,879
to my Norman Rockwell
commemorative plates?!

38
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,983
We bought 'em, we smash 'em.

39
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,785
Take that, Freedom from Want.

40
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,589
Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers.

41
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,659
Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan
in When Harry Met Sally.

42
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,327
I'll have what he's having.

43
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,963
- We're having a ball!
- Of yarn.

44
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,971
Oh, all this humiliation for...

45
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,873
$21?

46
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,976
Get out
before I turn on the hose!

47
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,113
Thank you.

48
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,982
Okay, fine. I'm not selling
one more precious tchotchke

49
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,086
unless it's going
to a decent, respectful home.

50
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,860
Damaged corner.

51
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,029
Excuse me, sir?
I understand how you feel.

52
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,698
Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor,
first time reader.

53
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,633
May I buy these books?

54
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,535
There's no bad words in these

55
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,003
if that's what
you're looking for.

56
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,572
I cut 'em all out.

57
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,542
Thank you...

58
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:04,311
Adultery Ass.

59
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,980
This is why
I always carry a fan.

60
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,381
Don't worry, sir.

61
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,550
We're boys who have
made our share of mistakes,

62
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,487
but these books will fire up
our imaginations.

63
00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,831
My greatest moment!

64
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,604
Oh, Bart.

65
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,339
I was filming the wrong way.

66
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:34,107
It's all me!

67
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,676
This angle makes
my nose look big.

68
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:46,686
Bart, that's clearly personal.

69
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,189
You have to give it back
to Mr. Flanders.

70
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:53,527
You don't have a single little
boy bone in your body, do you?

71
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,029
Hey! I did take karate.

72
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,366
Till I had an allergic reaction
to my gi.

73
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,969
There's a bee in here!

74
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,810
My Journal.

75
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,312
Wait a minute.

76
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:16,316
I've seen that red ink before,
especially the D's and F's.

77
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,724
It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary!

78
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:27,828
Parliament Lights 100.

79
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,896
That was her brand.

80
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:33,099
Remember, if you can
teach one kid one thing,

81
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,235
then today will be a success...

82
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:38,171
I forgot
Flanders married Krabappel.

83
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,641
I do not need to see the
dark side of another marriage.

84
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,111
Let the oceans have it, Bart.
85
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,681
They're big enough
to hide any sin.

86
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,983
You would think so, but no.

87
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,619
Why are corpses so buoyant?

88
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,521
'Cause I ain't dead yet!

89
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,191
The boss ain't gonna like this.

90
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,326
I'm the boss!

91
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,294
- Do you like it?
- No!

92
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,762
Shouldn't we stop those kids?

93
00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,464
We don't kill children.

94
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,433
We'll wait till they're 18.

95
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:09,269
This is your fault, Krabappel.

96
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,971
You taught me to read.

97
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,473
If you read this diary,
you'll regret it.
98
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,108
Maybe not today...

99
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,377
Okay, good enough.

100
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083
What's it say?! What's it say?!

101
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,819
Does she write about how well
I cleaned the gerbil cage?!

102
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,154
If not, it might be a fake.

103
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,757
It's in there. And a lot more.

104
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,659
She says
Chalmers hides his car keys

105
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,662
on the top of his sun visor.

106
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,337
I just became
the most powerful kid in school.

107
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,342
Slimmer!

108
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,511
What the...?

109
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:57,450
He's got a free yogurt
at the car wash.

110
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,519
Let's drop the car off
at the car wash,

111
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,354
get the yogurt,
and never come back.

112
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,690
The perfect crime!

113
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,296
There they are! Go get 'em!

114
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,564
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll get your car, but...

115
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:14,801
all I can think of now is
we should do that, Lou.

116
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,804
Go for a drive just because.

117
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,783
Finally, thanks to Mrs. K,

118
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:33,219
I'll know what goes on
in the teachers' lounge.

119
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,989
No, this is not a sales call.

120
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,492
It's an opportunity to improve
your life with gutter guards.

121
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:42,162
Ma'am, are you sure your family
will be taken care of
122
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:43,763
in case of a sinkhole?

123
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:47,100
And with this cruise package,
you're guaranteed a deck chair

124
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,835
for one full hour a day.

125
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,571
So can I...? Hello? Hello?

126
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,173
So, working
your night school jobs

127
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:54,808
during school hours, eh?

128
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,445
Oh, you are still there.
You're just very quiet.

129
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,080
I'll wait as long as it takes.

130
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:06,019
Reading someone else's diary
in a church?

131
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,955
That's the worst thing
you can do in a church!

132
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,757
No, not really.

133
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,961
Oh, my God. I'm in this.

134
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,563
What did she say?

135
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,569
I had a wonderful time

136
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:25,238
with my spikey‐haired
after‐school buddy.

137
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,142
Sometimes I have to be tough on
him so his behavior gets better,

138
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,111
but he's smart as a whip.

139
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,812
When he grows up,

140
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,882
I bet there's no door
he won't be able to open.

141
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,317
What does that mean?

142
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,586
She's saying you have potential.

143
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,054
Oh, my God.

144
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,241
I thought she hated me
after I glued her to her chair.

145
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,291
And yet she says
I have potential.

146
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,395
I have a future.
The sky's the limit!

147
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,172
I got rid of the squeak
in your chair, sir.

148
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,107
Good man.

149
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,943
When do I get paid?
It's been three weeks.

150
00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,781
Presidential chair tester.

151
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,549
Can't do better than that.

152
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,284
This changes everything.

153
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,952
All this time
I was showing my butt,

154
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,387
I was actually showing promise.

155
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,456
I'm gonna live up
to that potential.

156
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,793
<i>I used to march down
the windy, windy sidewalks</i>

157
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,728
<i>Slapping my leg
with a riding crop</i>

158
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,797
<i>Thinking it made me
come off so tough</i>

159
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:27,300
<i>I didn't smile because a smile
always seemed rehearsed</i>

160
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,302
<i>I wasn't afraid
of the bullies</i>

161
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,038
<i>And that just made
the bullies worse</i>

162
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,909
Pop art quiz!

163
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:39,979
Is that a pop art quiz,
or a pop art quiz?

164
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,715
It's a shut up
and fill in the bubbles quiz.

165
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,818
Okay, how am I gonna
blow this off?

166
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:47,754
Maybe fill in all the bubbles
to make a skull.

167
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,557
Now, hold on, Bart.
You have potential.

168
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,992
Why not really try and do it?

169
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,728
- You think?
- Yes.

170
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,132
I know this one. It's B.

171
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,668
And after B,
the next answer's usually C.

172
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:04,003
And the next one
I can get from Martin.

173
00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,111
This cake is for Bart.

174
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,179
He got an A on his test.

175
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,683
What's a matter?
Wondering how I cheated?

176
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:19,919
You know, all my thoughts
aren't about you.

177
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,522
How did he do it?
I must find out.

178
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:26,993
Oh, God.
All my thoughts are about him.

179
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,595
Think pony. Think pony.

180
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,099
How'd you do it, Bart?
How'd you do it?
181
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,535
We're just gonna be
very happy about this grade

182
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,937
and not ask questions.

183
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,039
How did he do it?
How did he do it?

184
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:42,442
Do I have
two high‐achieving kids?

185
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,511
Oh, be realistic, Marge.

186
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,779
He must be hiding something.

187
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,456
Ah, he's clean.

188
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,191
And so is his room.

189
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393
I see you couldn't find out
how he did it.

190
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,496
No offense, Mom,
but mind if I take a whack?

191
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:06,065
Help yourself.

192
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,234
How, Maggie? How?

193
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,504
Oh, the treehouse, right.

194
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,706
The answer's in the treehouse.

195
00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,846
Ay Krabappel!

196
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,348
This is a new low, even for you.

197
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,349
Thanks.

198
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,684
Okay, spill it.

199
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,352
What dirt did you find?

200
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:29,689
I'm only on page 35, but it's so
clear she thought I was great.

201
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,291
She really liked me.

202
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,326
Even when I brought in
a dead bird from outside,

203
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,861
which I've actually forgotten.

204
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,196
What?

205
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,364
Poor, deluded Bart.

206
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,767
She was writing that
about her cat.

207
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:43,203
She loved how much I love tuna.

208
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,838
I don't remember that either,
but it was meaningful to her.

209
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:47,207
Listen, Bart...

210
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,043
And she said I was
too adorable to be sterilized.

211
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,778
Oh, her words, not mine.

212
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,213
- Bart...
- She believed in me.

213
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,215
And now I believe in myself.

214
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:57,784
And I'll tell you something crazy.
I loved getting that A.

215
00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,119
Which means, you know what?
Suddenly, I get you.

216
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,055
You don't suck.

217
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:04,457
You not only don't suck,
you believe in my potential too.
218
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,524
Don't you?

219
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,429
We're just two smart kids.

220
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:10,997
I... I... I...

221
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,498
Okay.

222
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,167
I believe in you too.

223
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,837
And I have nothing more
to say except...

224
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,806
Nothing but...

225
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:22,342
Which is worse,
to be cruel or to lie?

226
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,277
They're both great,
just like us.

227
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,945
Two smart kids.

228
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,513
And you know
what I'm gonna do now?

229
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,416
I'm gonna change someone else's
life for the better.

230
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,519
Willie?

231
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,954
I heard... can't say where...

232
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,689
that you're
actually pretty lonely.

233
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,625
So I got you this little guy.

234
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,526
A Scotsman lonely?

235
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,995
Bannocks to that!

236
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,031
But I will take
your wee coney...

237
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,100
for me evening stew!

238
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,372
Do you like your stew?

239
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,042
It's got lots of extra carrots
for a growing bunny.

240
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,344
And when you grow fat enough,

241
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,147
I'll stick you
in a bubbling pot of water...

242
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,616
for your Saturday bath.
243
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:04,984
Oh, I love you.

244
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:08,321
This lie
has made Bart a new man.

245
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,057
And it's giving me
anxiety attacks.

246
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,827
Relax. Relax.

247
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,497
So anxious.

248
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,166
- What's this?
- You've got bumpies!

249
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,902
Let me give you some lotion.

250
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,239
I'll be fine.

251
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,941
I just need a calming bath
and a good night's sleep.

252
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,020
Oh, my God!

253
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,756
I'm helping him live a lie
that may ruin him!

254
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:49,128
Sometimes tension hives
are the result of inner stress.
255
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,464
Is anything bothering you,
young lady?

256
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,533
Just the usual...
global disasters,

257
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:56,035
artificial intelligence
taking over,

258
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:58,705
the cold, dead eyes
of Mike Pence.

259
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,808
Well, I could refer you
to psychological counseling,

260
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,609
but why fix what you can numb?

261
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,612
So I'm gonna prescribe
some Sleepy and Dopey's

262
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,648
children's chewable Xanax.

263
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,819
I don't want
my daughter on meds.

264
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,487
You seem upset, Marge.

265
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,322
Talk to your doctor
about Troxodone.

266
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,824
You are my doctor.

267
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,126
Well, well, well. Fancy that.

268
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,662
This is gonna turn your life

269
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,164
into an oasis
of peaceful zombitude.

270
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,133
Side effects may include
bleeding out your ears,

271
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,711
Portuguese insolence,
wandering eyebrow,

272
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,535
intense longing for death,
and seeing yourself

273
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,672
as others see you.

274
00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:37,276
When the last student
finishes using the lice comb,

275
00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:38,844
please pass it back up.

276
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:44,516
Now our major award of the day.

277
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:45,918
For me?

278
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:49,922
But my shelves are
already groaning with kudos.

279
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,523
Not for you.

280
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,468
For the only student
who's shown dramatic improvement

281
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,527
in the history of this school,
Bart Simpson!

282
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:57,663
Let's hear it for him.

283
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,432
I'll take names
if I don't hear cheers.

284
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:03,636
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!

285
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:06,805
I just want to say
thank you, Mrs. K.

286
00:15:06,872 --> 00:15:09,041
You wrote the book on teaching.

287
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,444
And now, his sister,
Lisa Simpson,

288
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:15,648
will lead us in a round of
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.

289
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:17,216
What?

290
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:20,486
<i>For he's a jolly good fellow</i>

291
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:24,290
<i>For he's a jolly good fellow...</i>

292
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:26,825
To the laser tag water park!

293
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:34,233
Take the freeway! It's quicker!

294
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,637
<i>All of it's based on a lie</i>

295
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:40,639
<i>All of it's based on a lie</i>

296
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:42,975
<i>For he's a jolly big phony</i>

297
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:45,444
<i>And only I know why</i>

298
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:47,980
Assembly item number two.

299
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:50,516
- Don't take drugs.
- I don't!

300
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,584
Our most successful
assembly ever.

301
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,900
Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear nothing.
Not even long division.

302
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,126
What if there's a remainder?
303
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:03,429
Still a little scary.

304
00:16:03,495 --> 00:16:05,864
You wanted to do well,
but you're not even studying.

305
00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:07,933
You don't have to study
when you're on a roll.

306
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,635
You heard them cheering me.

307
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,971
Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa!

308
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,939
I wish you hadn't
had them do that.

309
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:15,474
You know what I'm gonna do now?

310
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,710
I'm gonna enter
the spelling bee.

311
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,480
Really? Just like that?

312
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,415
How about
a little reality check?

313
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,317
Spell pneumatic.

314
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:26,719
No problem.

315
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,822
You're gonna start it
with an N, aren't you?

316
00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:31,824
I'll know
when the spotlight hits me.

317
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,492
Two smart kids.

318
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:36,628
Bart, spelling bees
are very public.

319
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:40,132
So if, by some fluke,
you don't do well,

320
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:43,168
you'll be embarrassed
in front of the whole school.

321
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:47,139
Worse than the time you sat
on the peanut butter cup.

322
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:48,674
People knew what it was.

323
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,409
No, they didn't.

324
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,780
Let him learn his lesson.
Let him gain from it.

325
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,515
It's not up to you to save him.

326
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,152
The first contestant is
our most‐improved student,
327
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:03,455
Bart Simpson,
and the word is interlude.

328
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,258
Can you use it
in a sentence?

329
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:08,360
I need an interlude
with my brother!

330
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:10,929
I have to explain something.

331
00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:12,798
Obsolescence... O‐B...

332
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,010
You don't have to explain.
It's totally understandable.

333
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,803
You're just jealous. I used
to be a mixed‐up kid like you.

334
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,205
You're just not reading
the right diaries.

335
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:21,640
Obsequious...

336
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,576
Bart, there's a page in
the diary you didn't read yet.

337
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,779
I'm sorry.

338
00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:28,147
I'm so sorry.

339
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,015
I just don't want you hurt.

340
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,420
My special little guy has
the fluffiest tail?

341
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,755
Still think
she's talking about you?

342
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:38,824
Could be. I played a reindeer
in the school play.

343
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,126
Which was weird, because
it wasn't a Christmas play.

344
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,227
Keep reading.

345
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:44,096
Purring when I pet him?

346
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:45,640
Scratching at
the bell on his collar?

347
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:48,333
Always using his litter box
appropriately?

348
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,803
Oh, it wasn't me
who had potential.

349
00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:53,238
It's a frickin' cat!

350
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,183
No bumps.

351
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:07,519
- I brought you dinner.
- Don't want it.

352
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,189
I'm just a loser kid,
and that's all I will ever be.

353
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:11,723
Oh, honey...

354
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:13,192
Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge

355
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,060
if you try to make me
feel better right now.

356
00:18:21,199 --> 00:18:23,168
So, I understand

357
00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:25,771
you've been reading
Edna's diary.

358
00:18:25,837 --> 00:18:27,506
Yeah, I'm sorry.

359
00:18:27,572 --> 00:18:30,108
I sure hope there's something
in the Bible about forgiveness.

360
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,010
Son, I'm not here to judge you.

361
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:34,012
Curiosity is one of
the devil's sharpest tools.

362
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,315
That's why I don't even
look down in the shower.

363
00:18:36,381 --> 00:18:38,950
Eyes always up
into God's scalding water.

364
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,688
Okay, I'll get to the point.
I'm here to tell you

365
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,523
something that might
make you feel better.

366
00:18:44,589 --> 00:18:46,124
Did you know Edna and I once

367
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,126
were thinking
of leaving Springfield?

368
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,828
Oh, I feel so much better.

369
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,364
How does he do it? I don't know!

370
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:54,199
But the fact is we didn't move.

371
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:55,667
We had a family meeting.

372
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:57,502
It was Todd's turn at the gavel.

373
00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:59,538
Order! Order!

374
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:02,741
Now, we can't leave Springfield
unless it's unanimous. Todd?

375
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,643
I vote yes.
I can finally get away

376
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,611
from that ladybug
that scares me.

377
00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:10,549
I'm tired of Mr. Simpson
peeing in our bird bath.

378
00:19:10,615 --> 00:19:13,985
Well, that's one, two,
three, and...

379
00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:15,821
I have to stay here
in Springfield,

380
00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:17,889
because boys
like Bart Simpson need me.

381
00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:20,292
Sweet, misunderstood boys,

382
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,061
who just need someone
to recognize the basic goodness

383
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,830
that's trapped inside them

384
00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:27,666
and is desperately
trying to get out.

385
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,002
She was allergic
to the cat, but...

386
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,004
you were nothing
to sneeze at, son.

387
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:35,340
Well, did that help?

388
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:36,675
Yeah!

389
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:38,477
Now let us give thanks.

390
00:19:38,543 --> 00:19:40,779
If only people stopped
when they made their point.

391
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,180
But thanks.

392
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,182
And this belongs to you.

393
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,650
You might want to read it.

394
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:47,352
You come off pretty well.

395
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,988
No sirree, Bob. Those are
Edna's private thoughts,

396
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:52,257
and they're gonna stay private.

397
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,659
Did you fix Bart?

398
00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:55,827
Yep.

399
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:57,195
What's in your hand?

400
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,598
Nothing.

401
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,102
Now that I've been
with Ned a year,

402
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,204
he's made my life a living...

403
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:09,107
I'll think of a penance.

404
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:12,544
Dream come true.

405
00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:15,280
Now I got to clean my specs.

406
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:16,782
Thanks, Edna.

407
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:25,624
<i>I found her diary
underneath a tree</i>

408
00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:30,128
<i>And started reading about me</i>

409
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:36,234
<i>The words she'd written
took me by surprise</i>

410
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:40,305
<i>You'd never read them
in her eyes</i>
411
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:46,244
<i>All the sweet things
they can find</i>