Deep in The Heart of Texas - Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Limits - 2017 - English

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He's in the trance. 
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He isn't thinking of jokes, though.
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He's composing the voiceover
I'm saying to you right now.
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Getting me to agree to this
was beyond his wildest dreams.
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And he doesn't want to waste
the opportunity on the frivolous.
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You have reached the voicemail
of comedic genius Dave Chappelle.
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Unfortunately,
he can't or won't speak right now,
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so please leave a detailed message.
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♪ Play me ♪
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♪ Buy me ♪
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♪ Workinonit ♪
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♪ Tune up ♪
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♪ Tune ♪
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♪ Oh ♪
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♪ Fade me ♪
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♪ Whoo! ♪
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♪ Now, when I was a young boy ♪
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♪ At the age of five ♪
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♪ My mother said I was gonna be ♪
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♪ The greatest man alive... ♪
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♪ But now I'm a man ♪
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♪ Way past 21 ♪
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♪ I'm a man ♪
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♪ I spell M ♪
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♪ A, child ♪
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♪ N ♪
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Yeah.
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you.
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What's going on?
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Good to see everybody out here tonight.
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Thank you.
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Hey, have a seat.
Everybody be comfortable and relax.
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Oh, my gosh.
Good to be back in Austin, Texas.
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It's good to know that plaid is back in.
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Most of the dudes I meet
around these parts
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are dressed like a dyke in New York,
so I'm glad to see that.
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Man! Fucking Texas. This place is--
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It's pretty good.
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Pretty damn good.
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I was in Santa Fe the other night,
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and a motherfucker threw a banana peel
at me.
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Yeah, that didn't feel so good.
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Of course, it was a white person.
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Not to indict the whites. I'm just saying.
Not to profile.
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And then, not only did he throw
a banana peel at me, but...
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it was premeditated. You could tell.
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You could tell. The peel was too brown.
You know what I mean?
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You didn't eat that banana recently,
motherfucker.
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You had that shit waiting on me.
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And the whole crowd was white,
so it just got instantly creepy,
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and everyone looked like they were
looking at 12 Years a Slave.
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They were all just like...
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Who the fuck does that?
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And then they arrested the guy,
which was...
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I said, "Someone's gonna fuck you
in the butt in the holding cell.
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You know that, right?
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You can't just be throwing banana peels
at Dave Chappelle.
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They're not gonna let you get away
with this."
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And the press called me up like,
"Do you have a statement?"
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"A statement?!
For a fucking banana peel? No!
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I don't have anything to say."
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This guy was fucking famous
for throwing a banana peel at me.
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Twenty years from now,
he'll be tucking his kids into bed,
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and the kids will be like,
"Daddy, tell me about the day
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you threw that banana peel at that nigger
in Santa Fe."
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"Boy, I tell you what.
That black motherfucker had it coming.
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I saw his name up on the marquee
about a week before.
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I said, 'Man, if I could just get
close enough to meet him...
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I'd throw a banana on that nigger
and show him how--'"
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Fucking Bananagate. I didn't even like--
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I didn't even want to press charges.
This has happened to me before.
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No, seriously. Not a banana.
I live in Ohio, right?
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-So, this was a few winters ago.
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Oh, I didn't know
you would ever clap for that.
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Well, all right. That's the first time
that shit's ever happened.
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"Ohio?!"
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Anyway...
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I live amongst the whites.
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Small town in Ohio.
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And it was wintertime,
and it had snowed recently,
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so there's huge snowdrifts on the street.
I was walking with my sister.
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Now, my sister was dressed
in all Muslim garb,
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as were her children,
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and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle.
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And we were walking
and just talking about something,
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and a car sped around the corner,
and the window came down,
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and somebody threw a snowball
and hit me right in my shoulder.
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I didn't know what was going on.
Why was this happening?
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Because I'm black? Because she's Muslim?
Because I'm Dave Chappelle?
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I couldn't tell.
But, again, I knew it was premeditated.
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Because who the fuck has a snowball
in a warm car?
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But he didn't think it
all the way through, lady.
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Because he went around the corner
and got stopped at a red light.
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He was caught in the traffic.
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So, I ran out into the street,
and I just tapped on his window.
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"My man, could I just talk to you guys
for a second?
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Come on out for one second.
I just want to talk to you."
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There's four young white dudes in the car.
They're like, "Just chill, bro."
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I said, "Relax. I just want to talk."
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Now, this is an old black trick.
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Really, I didn't want to talk.
I was gonna fuck 'em up.
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So, if you're ever caught in traffic,
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and a black guy starts saying
he just wants to talk to you,
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don't open the door.
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Even if he's me, smiling at you.
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And they were like,
"Chill, bro. Just chill."
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And the one guy in the back seat--
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I don't know what,
he was just cockier than his friends.
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He was like, "Fuck it, man!
I'll get out the car!"
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And I started yanking on his door.
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"Let me help you, motherfucker.
Let me just help you out."
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And I didn't notice his window was down.
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And he threw a snowball,
that shit hit me right in my chest. Pow!
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He said, "Fuck you, you fucking nigger!"
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And then the light turned green
and they sped off.
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And I smiled from ear to ear.
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I looked at my sister,
and she said, "I got the plates."
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And I was happy as shit because
throwing a snowball at a motherfucker
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is a misdemeanor assault.
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But if you call him a nigger
when you do it,
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that's a felony hate crime.
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And me and my sister start dancing.
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"We're gonna send this motherfucker
to jail!"
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I didn't notice it,
but while I was yelling at him,
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a crowd of all-white people had formed,
'cause it was an all-white town.
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And I was like, "Uh-oh."
I thought I was gonna get jumped.
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Then one of them white guys stepped up
and was like, "I didn't like that at all.
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This is not what this town represents.
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I don't want this goddamn stuff
in my vicinity."
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And another white guy was like,
"Yeah! I didn't like it, either!"
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And then an old white guy stepped out
of the crowd and said,
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"Young man, if you're going to fill out
a police report,
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I would like to come with you
and do the same."
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I said, "You guys would do that for me?"
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And the whole crowd said, "Hooray!"
I said, "Come on, y'all!"
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I looked like Malcolm X
going to see Brother Johnson
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with a trail of white people.
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Unreal. An hour later,
we were all sitting in the police station,
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and the police came in.
They were like, "Well, Mr. Chappelle...
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sixteen identical police reports.
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We ran the tags. Two young men
that had their mother's car.
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We have all four suspects in holding,
and the mother is here.
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It's up to you. Whatever you want to do.
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If you want to press charges,
we'll move forward.
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Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?"
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"Huh?
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Sorry about that, Officer.
I'm a little flustered.
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I've never been in a position
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where I could decide the fate
of white children before.
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But...
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it's weighing heavy on me, sir.
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And I really can't decide."
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And I saw a lady pacing back and forth
in the hallway,
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and I said, "Is that--"
He goes, "Yes, that's their mother."
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"Can I speak to her
before I make a decision?"
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And when the mom came in
and she saw it was me,
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she busted out crying.
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"Oh, God. Oh, no.
I don't want him to go to jail.
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I am so sorry.
I didn't raise him to do this.
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We love your comedy.
We love you at the house."
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I said, "Miss, please, just--
All right, look.
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I don't necessarily want your son
to go to jail, either.
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But what he did was pretty fucked up.
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So, is there something we can do,
short of jail,
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just to let him know that he's wrong?"
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She said, "I don't know.
What did you have in mind?"
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"Miss, I've never been
in this position before.
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Oh, you know what we could do?
I don't know if I'm asking too much.
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But maybe if you--
if you could just...
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suck my dick a little bit.
Just a little bit.
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I'm not gonna finish.
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I just want you to do it enough
so that I can tell him you did it."
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I'm kidding.
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I'm kidding.
I wouldn't do that to anybody's mother.
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Maybe my kid's mom, but that's it.
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Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit.
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Killed that man in Dallas.
Five days, that man melted to death.
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What happened to the brother in Dallas?
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"Where was the secret serum?"
is what we all said.
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I remember in the beginning of Ebola,
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there were two American doctors
that got sick in Africa.
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They flew them in a private jet straight
to Atlanta, to the CDC.
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I didn't even know CDC saw patients.
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There it was said they administered
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what The New York Times called
"a secret serum."
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I don't know what's in it.
It's just like Colonel Sanders' recipe.
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But both of these motherfuckers survived.
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These doctors, thank God, are healthy.
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They are out there somewhere tonight
at Whole Foods,
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touching vegetables, walking around.
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Everything's okay.
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"Hey, Frank. How are you?"
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"You didn't hear? I had Ebola last week.
But I'm doing all right now.
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I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus,
so I got concerned,
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but I'm okay."
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What happened to the brother in Dallas?
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They just rubbed some Vicks
on that nigga's chest.
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"Good luck, little buddy."
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I knew he wasn't gonna make it.
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I remember. Sad.
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I saw in The New York Times--
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they said Ebola is the new AIDS.
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Whew! Isn't that something?
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Here I am, thinking that old AIDS
was working just fine,
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and they already have a new AIDS out.
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Isn't that amazing how they do that?
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Isn't it weird how there's a disease
that just starts in 1980,
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and it doesn't kill anybody
but niggas, fags and junkies?
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Isn't that a fucking amazing coincidence
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that this disease hates everybody
that old, white people hate?
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I think either God is white,
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or the government hid that shit
in disco balls.
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Only fun people get AIDS.
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Last month,
on the front of The New York Times,
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the measles was the headline.
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I had to check the date of the paper.
I was like, "Measles? Is this 1850?
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What the fuck is this?
Why is measles in the news?"
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It turns out they were trying to decide
if mandatory vaccinations for children
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is the way we all want to go.
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Any thoughts?
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You say yes?
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I just--
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I don't know. I don't know about this one.
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First of all, black people generally
don't trust doctors.
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After the Tuskegee experiments
and all that shit.
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More importantly, don't forget
Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.
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Granted, he was doing drugs.
But if I was a heroin addict
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and I had a licensed physician
injecting heroin in me,
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I should survive that.
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I'd just be like, "I'm good, right?
I'm good?
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It's not too much, is it?"
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Dr. Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson.
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After that, I was like,
"Fuck going to the doctor."
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Why the fuck am I getting
my kids vaccinated
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for an old-ass disease like measles?
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You might as well give them
a diarrhea shot if you're so worried.
238
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:57,004
Diarrhea has a bigger body count
than the measles do.
239
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,475
You know, diarrhea is funny today, but...
240
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,245
a hundred years ago,
if your ass had diarrhea,
241
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:08,749
you were a goner.
There was a zero chance of surviving.
242
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:11,018
You get that first squirt. Pfft! Uh-oh.
243
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:14,521
"Better start getting my affairs in order.
244
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:18,559
I don't have much time.
It's diarrhea. It's very serious."
245
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,563
You just watch your buddy slowly die
in a pool of his own shit.
246
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,765
Pfft! "Oh. Oh.
247
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:25,966
I give up, diarrhea."
248
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,402
Pfffft! "You're too strong." Pfft!
249
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,774
Nowadays, your buddy would be like,
"You got diarrhea?
250
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,343
Just eat a banana, nigga.
Drink some water. Let's get to the club.
251
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,579
We can still make last call."
252
00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:44,418
Tough time for the blacks.
253
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,793
These are not good times for the blacks.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
254
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,195
Police are killing us again.
255
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,067
It's a very unfortunate
set of circumstances,
256
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,668
because we were doing very well.
257
00:15:02,603 --> 00:15:06,874
You know, America has a racial hot seat.
I think we can all agree that's the truth.
258
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:10,377
And we can also agree that that hot seat
is traditionally occupied
259
00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:14,748
by African-Americans in general,
African-American men in particular.
260
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,385
Although, I can see that, in recent years,
261
00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,822
that seat has been occupied by Mexicans...
262
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,625
and I daresay Arabs.
263
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,895
And we, the black Americans,
264
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,364
would like to thank you both
for your sacrifice
265
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,732
and your struggle.
266
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,903
We needed a break.
267
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,306
We needed a goddamn break.
268
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,176
We all go through something,
269
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,678
but at least I can leave
my backpack someplace.
270
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:52,118
If you're Arab and forget a backpack,
you got about 20 minutes
271
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,489
before they send that robot
to blow your shit up.
272
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:59,793
You can kiss all that Engineering homework
good-bye, Fouhad.
273
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,934
Now ISIS is number one
on the terrorist charts.
274
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:11,271
And ISIS is fucking scary.
275
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:15,042
'Cause if ISIS catches you,
they're going to cut your head off.
276
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,412
That's what they do.
I've seen them do it on YouTube.
277
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,415
It was fucking awful.
He looked right into the camera and said,
278
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,585
"Obama, I am back."
279
00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,388
I saw that shit, I said, "Oh, my God.
280
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,123
Don't like."
281
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,265
How is this guy cutting people's heads off
on YouTube?
282
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:39,900
I can't even post a dick pic,
283
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,769
and this motherfucker
is decapitating people.
284
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,840
I'm gonna have to change my settings.
285
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,814
You know, everyone has it hard.
But I think, harder than black people
286
00:16:53,881 --> 00:16:57,384
and harder than Arabs and Mexicans,
you know who has it the worst?
287
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,819
Fat black people.
288
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:09,563
It's hard for white people to understand,
but what I'm saying is very true.
289
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,599
Fat black people have a really rough road,
290
00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:14,668
because all manner
of things kill white people.
291
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:16,803
But you know what kills more black people
than anything,
292
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,305
more than police and terrorism?
293
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:21,875
Salt, nigga. Regular-ass table salt.
294
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,646
Here, white people
are getting Ebola cures and shit,
295
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,315
and meanwhile,
I'm dying from fucking flavoring.
296
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:37,558
Look, honestly,
I'll stop talking about it.
297
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,294
Let me say this, though.
Let me just say this.
298
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,163
Can we all just say
that we've seen it coming?
299
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,231
Were you surprised?
300
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:46,166
It's like when that guy threw
that banana at me.
301
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,269
Do you think I was surprised? Hell no.
302
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:53,740
I've been in show business 30 years.
I was expecting this banana.
303
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:55,943
I knew one of these nights--
304
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,645
I was like, "Somebody's gonna throw
a banana at me one of these nights."
305
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,785
'Cause that's how it starts,
with the name-calling.
306
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:08,889
Like that Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen
got fired from the Food Network?
307
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,191
If you know anything about show business,
308
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:14,995
it is really hard to get fired
from the fucking Food Network.
309
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,599
And they dropped that bitch
like a hot potato.
310
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:24,671
All because she called somebody an N-word
30 years before she had a show.
311
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,373
I don't know who she said it to,
312
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,342
but whoever it was
was just looking at her like,
313
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,110
"I'm gonna get you for this, bitch."
314
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,716
That shit came back 30 years later
like a Bill Cosby rape
315
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,484
and sunk her battleship.
316
00:18:42,256 --> 00:18:45,826
And every black person was mad,
but we weren't that mad.
317
00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:48,896
It was more confusing
than it was infuriating.
318
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:52,733
I was just like, "Well, how is this bitch
gonna call me a nigger
319
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,270
when she taught me how to fry chicken?
That's not fair."
320
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:07,481
I think Donald Sterling's shit
was more serious.
321
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:09,983
Remember Donald Sterling?
He used to own the Clippers,
322
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:13,720
and then he got caught
on a secretly recorded tape
323
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:18,425
saying some very unsavory things
about African-Americans.
324
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,261
And there's a lesson in that
for all of us.
325
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:27,401
The lesson is if you are old
and white and racist
326
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,136
in this great country,
327
00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:30,838
whatever you do...
328
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:36,210
don't tell your black girlfriend
about that shit. Because...
329
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:40,480
that's who made the tape.
330
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,049
She recorded all that shit.
And the tape was terrible.
331
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:47,586
He was like, "Stop bringing black guys
to my games."
332
00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:49,256
At first, we were all confused.
333
00:19:49,323 --> 00:19:51,725
"How the fuck are you gonna have a game
without us?"
334
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:59,132
But it turned out that the black guy
he was speaking of
335
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:04,004
was none other than Magic Johnson,
the billionaire!
336
00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:05,739
Unbelievable.
337
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:09,409
Never even mentioned the fact
that he had AIDS,
338
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,179
which is the first thing I would've said
to my girlfriend.
339
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:19,086
This guy must be really racist
if AIDS is the footnote.
340
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,557
"You gotta be careful, baby.
He got the old Ebola."
341
00:20:35,269 --> 00:20:38,272
You can say what you want about that girl,
but I'm gonna tell you right now
342
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,275
she is a goddamn hero.
343
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:44,912
You might've thought
these things were happening before,
344
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:48,148
but now you can see it all in front of you
without a shadow of a doubt.
345
00:20:48,215 --> 00:20:50,184
That shit actually went down.
346
00:20:51,151 --> 00:20:52,986
She sucked that old guy's dick.
347
00:20:55,656 --> 00:20:57,958
She really took one for the team
on that one.
348
00:20:58,859 --> 00:21:01,762
That's really gross.
His dick is, like, 80 years old.
349
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,097
It's like tasting history.
350
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:08,802
Like, five wars on it,
the Civil Rights Movement,
351
00:21:08,869 --> 00:21:10,270
the Great Depression.
352
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:15,108
This guy's been fucking from 40 years
before Bill Cosby's first rape.
353
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,343
It's a very old man.
354
00:21:17,244 --> 00:21:18,712
A very old penis.
355
00:21:22,816 --> 00:21:26,053
But all that shit
is still just name-calling.
356
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,089
Like, name-calling does not break
the modern black man.
357
00:21:29,156 --> 00:21:31,658
That's not gonna do the trick.
I don't give a fuck about that.
358
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:34,928
If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken,
and for some reason,
359
00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:40,467
everyone behind the counter had
a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head,
360
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:42,102
what do you think I'm gonna do
in this day and age?
361
00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:45,072
Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Not if I'm hungry.
362
00:21:47,274 --> 00:21:50,444
I'll go straight to the front.
"Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece."
363
00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:52,813
I don't give a fuck what he says.
364
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,249
"You want a biscuit with that, nigger?"
365
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:59,419
"I thought it came with a biscuit.
What's all this attitude?
366
00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:05,826
I want a two-piece. Chop, chop.
You know what it is."
367
00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,596
But I'm not gonna be mad.
Why would I be mad?
368
00:22:10,197 --> 00:22:13,267
He's the one that's gotta work
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.
369
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:25,546
How about this? What if I lived in Austin
and I had a white girlfriend?
370
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:26,747
It's possible in Austin.
371
00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,550
As a matter of fact,
some people say it's necessary.
372
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,185
But that's not the point.
373
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,889
And me and my white girlfriend are
at home one night,
374
00:22:35,956 --> 00:22:37,558
and we're just doing what lovers do.
375
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:40,527
Maybe she's butt-naked
and she's down on one knee,
376
00:22:40,594 --> 00:22:42,796
giving me a hand-job.
I love a good hand-job.
377
00:22:42,863 --> 00:22:44,731
And she's really jerking me off.
378
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:47,234
You know,
getting her obliques nice and tight.
379
00:22:47,301 --> 00:22:49,102
I got a huge dick, so she's like...
380
00:22:52,172 --> 00:22:55,375
And I'm like, "Wow,
this really feels wonderful.
381
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:57,845
I think I'm gonna come."
382
00:22:57,911 --> 00:23:00,781
And then she looks up at me and goes,
"Come in my face...
383
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,549
nigger."
384
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,086
I know, that's a tough one.
385
00:23:08,055 --> 00:23:10,357
Well, what do you think I'm gonna do?
"Hey!"
386
00:23:16,864 --> 00:23:18,699
That's no time for integrity,
ladies and gentlemen.
387
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,168
I'm busting that nut in her face.
388
00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:24,671
I'll sort through the ethics later.
389
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,076
But I'm what they call a man of his word.
390
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:31,011
If I say I'm coming, I'm coming.
391
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,648
I don't give a fuck what happens.
God forbid, somebody could shoot me.
392
00:23:34,715 --> 00:23:36,283
If I say I'm coming, there's still that--
393
00:23:43,156 --> 00:23:45,259
It doesn't mean I like getting shot.
394
00:23:54,535 --> 00:23:58,238
Oh, boy.
Yeah, a tough time for the blacks.
395
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,542
I'm not gonna say nothing
about the police.
396
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,443
I'll leave that for Chris Rock.
397
00:24:08,348 --> 00:24:11,852
The other big sports story
was, fucking, Ray Rice's tape.
398
00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:14,121
Anyone see that Ray Rice tape?
399
00:24:18,425 --> 00:24:20,761
I can't stop watching it.
400
00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:24,131
It's fucking awful.
401
00:24:24,198 --> 00:24:26,934
It's the most violent thing
I've seen happen to a woman
402
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,635
that was shot in color.
403
00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:32,840
Really fucking bad.
If I could've froze time at that moment
404
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:34,641
and gave Ray Rice some advice,
405
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:37,211
I don't think there's any way possible
I'd be like...
406
00:24:37,911 --> 00:24:39,580
"You should punch her in the face."
407
00:24:41,381 --> 00:24:42,983
That's a fucking terrible idea.
408
00:24:44,384 --> 00:24:47,321
At the same time, I also believe
she shouldn't have rushed him.
409
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,624
What the fuck? You can't beat him.
410
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:54,995
Don't rush a motherfucker that's trained
to stiff-arm people in the clutch.
411
00:24:55,996 --> 00:24:57,531
He's gonna get the upper hand.
412
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:05,939
The only reason I bring him up is because
he's about to play football again.
413
00:25:07,241 --> 00:25:11,778
You didn't know that?
The NFL was told by a federal judge
414
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,714
they had to reinstate Ray Rice
415
00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:17,818
because he was transparent
with their investigation.
416
00:25:17,885 --> 00:25:20,487
He told them exactly what he did.
417
00:25:20,554 --> 00:25:24,057
And they can't just change their ruling
just because the tape came out.
418
00:25:24,124 --> 00:25:27,027
I get it. That's like if I'm hanging out
with my buddies, and I'm like,
419
00:25:27,094 --> 00:25:28,662
"Hey, guys, guess what I did last night?
420
00:25:28,729 --> 00:25:30,831
I fucked this big, fat girl I met
at the club."
421
00:25:30,898 --> 00:25:33,667
And they're all like,
"Oh, shit, Dave. That's crazy."
422
00:25:36,436 --> 00:25:39,273
And then they see a tape of me doing it,
and they're like...
423
00:25:42,209 --> 00:25:44,611
"We can't hang out with you anymore, Dave.
424
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:47,481
That's not what this crew is all about."
425
00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:50,784
I'd be like, "What?
I told y'all what I did."
426
00:25:54,154 --> 00:25:57,858
What's really fucked up is the tape
was made before they were married.
427
00:25:58,492 --> 00:25:59,593
Isn't that weird?
428
00:26:00,527 --> 00:26:02,663
I don't know why she'd do that.
I don't even know why he would do that.
429
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:05,432
As a guy,
would you want to live with a woman
430
00:26:05,499 --> 00:26:09,036
that you had once punched in the face
with all your strength?
431
00:26:10,204 --> 00:26:12,739
That's some very bold
Color Purple-type shit.
432
00:26:12,806 --> 00:26:15,342
"Celie! Come out here and shave me!"
433
00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:24,785
Are you out of your fucking mind?
434
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:33,459
I had to ask an older friend of mine,
just to get some perspective,
435
00:26:33,527 --> 00:26:34,695
this older black dude.
436
00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,697
Actually the fairest person I've ever met.
And I asked him.
437
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:42,868
I just said, "Hey, man,
did you see that Ray Rice video?"
438
00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:46,073
And instantly, he was like,
"David, that shit was disgusting."
439
00:26:47,140 --> 00:26:49,376
And then a moment later, he goes...
440
00:26:51,345 --> 00:26:53,146
"I wonder what she said to him."
441
00:26:58,819 --> 00:27:00,554
I don't think that matters.
442
00:27:01,488 --> 00:27:03,924
I think the idea is you're not supposed
to punch her in the face.
443
00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:06,860
Because my wife says terrible shit to me.
444
00:27:06,927 --> 00:27:09,763
My wife once called me a pussy...
445
00:27:10,931 --> 00:27:12,733
in front of dinner guests.
446
00:27:15,002 --> 00:27:17,704
I know. I started to get mad,
but then I was like,
447
00:27:17,771 --> 00:27:19,373
"Fuck it. She's probably right."
448
00:27:23,477 --> 00:27:25,445
I am a pussy. I admit it.
449
00:27:26,613 --> 00:27:30,350
I'm soft and warm and persuasive,
like a real pussy.
450
00:27:32,319 --> 00:27:33,320
That's right.
451
00:27:37,024 --> 00:27:40,093
Then I told her, "If you don't take care
of me properly,
452
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,162
I might stink, like your pussy."
453
00:27:44,765 --> 00:27:46,800
Oh, we fight dirty
at the Chappelle household.
454
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:48,235
It's not a big deal.
455
00:27:51,071 --> 00:27:54,241
No, no. If you want to get to the bottom
of a matter of the heart,
456
00:27:54,308 --> 00:27:56,376
what you're supposed to do
is ask a woman.
457
00:27:56,443 --> 00:27:58,679
Now, actually,
there's two women that I know--
458
00:27:58,745 --> 00:28:01,715
they're both college professors
in this little area I live in,
459
00:28:01,782 --> 00:28:04,117
and I meet them twice a week
at Starbucks for coffee.
460
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:06,320
We talk about important shit.
461
00:28:08,689 --> 00:28:10,390
And I asked the girls--
we was in a coffee klatch.
462
00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:13,794
I said, "Yo, why do y'all think
that this woman stayed with Ray Rice
463
00:28:14,695 --> 00:28:17,297
after he punched her in the face
with all his strength?"
464
00:28:20,734 --> 00:28:24,137
And one of my girlfriends said,
"David, you need to wake the fuck up.
465
00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:26,740
She's staying for the money."
466
00:28:27,908 --> 00:28:30,410
Now, wait a minute,
'cause my other girlfriend was like,
467
00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:34,481
"I disagree.
I think that she actually loves him."
468
00:28:35,415 --> 00:28:37,351
And I said, "Wait a minute, ladies.
You know what?
469
00:28:37,417 --> 00:28:39,686
I think that you're both right."
470
00:28:40,888 --> 00:28:45,292
And what I was doing when I said that
was preserving the possibility
471
00:28:45,359 --> 00:28:47,327
of a threesome with these bitches.
472
00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:52,032
I'd been chipping away at this pussy
473
00:28:52,099 --> 00:28:54,568
one cup of coffee at a time
for, like, four years.
474
00:28:54,635 --> 00:28:58,305
I wasn't gonna throw that hard work away
with some Ray Rice shit.
475
00:28:58,372 --> 00:28:59,840
I don't care that much.
476
00:29:05,846 --> 00:29:07,080
I'm just being real.
477
00:29:08,148 --> 00:29:09,917
It's fucked up, man.
It's a tough time for the blacks.
478
00:29:09,983 --> 00:29:12,319
-I love you, Dave!
-I love you, too.
479
00:29:12,386 --> 00:29:15,055
And then here comes the banana peel.
I'm waiting on it any second.
480
00:29:16,190 --> 00:29:17,858
You know that's how it starts.
481
00:29:20,194 --> 00:29:24,698
I saw in the paper today
that the guy that threw the banana at me
482
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,000
got arrested again
'cause he threw a banana
483
00:29:27,067 --> 00:29:29,603
at another motherfucker in a bar
in Santa Fe.
484
00:29:29,670 --> 00:29:32,072
Look it up online after the show.
He actually did that.
485
00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:34,808
And that guy was black, too.
I'm just saying.
486
00:29:36,543 --> 00:29:38,312
And you know why the guy said
he did it that night?
487
00:29:38,378 --> 00:29:41,014
He said, "I did it
'cause Dave Chappelle is racist."
488
00:29:41,081 --> 00:29:45,219
So, nigga? That's not the best way
to handle that if I am racist.
489
00:29:45,953 --> 00:29:47,521
What if Martin Luther King
just went around
490
00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:50,324
throwing tuna casserole on white people?
Would that work?
491
00:29:54,728 --> 00:29:56,597
-Huh?
-Come on, Dave!
492
00:29:56,663 --> 00:29:59,266
Your girl's bubbling.
She's drunk as hell, buddy.
493
00:30:00,634 --> 00:30:02,603
Listen, sir,
I don't know what she's saying,
494
00:30:02,669 --> 00:30:04,905
but just take my advice.
Get some water in her,
495
00:30:04,972 --> 00:30:07,341
or you're gonna have some dry pussy
when you get home.
496
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:18,852
His dick's gonna be
chafed the fuck up tomorrow.
497
00:30:21,054 --> 00:30:24,324
Santa Maria. Who got a cigarette in here?
Anyone got a cigarette I can borrow?
498
00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:28,161
Yeah. You, fella. Yeah, please.
499
00:30:31,798 --> 00:30:36,236
Let me see. This is a Marlboro menthol.
This could've been anybody.
500
00:30:37,838 --> 00:30:39,640
If it was a Newport, I'd be like,
"A black dude threw that up."
501
00:30:39,706 --> 00:30:42,910
But a Marlboro menthol,
that's one of them riddles.
502
00:30:49,283 --> 00:30:50,284
Oh.
503
00:30:57,124 --> 00:30:58,759
Is the word "pussy" offensive?
504
00:30:58,825 --> 00:31:00,561
No!
505
00:31:02,095 --> 00:31:04,731
All right, just checking, just checking.
506
00:31:05,899 --> 00:31:09,570
I asked that crowd when we was in Denver,
"Is the word 'pussy' offensive?"
507
00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:12,739
And the whole crowd said no,
except for two people.
508
00:31:12,806 --> 00:31:17,811
One was a woman in the front,
older than me, maybe around my age.
509
00:31:18,579 --> 00:31:21,882
Definitely a feminist.
You know what I mean.
510
00:31:21,949 --> 00:31:24,117
Short haircut, plaid shirt.
You know what I'm saying.
511
00:31:26,687 --> 00:31:29,556
And she didn't say it offended her.
What she said is, she said,
512
00:31:29,623 --> 00:31:31,692
"I am uncomfortable with that word."
513
00:31:31,758 --> 00:31:33,961
And I was like, "Really? You?"
514
00:31:36,797 --> 00:31:40,033
And before I could ask her why,
there was one guy in the balcony--
515
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:42,436
I don't think he was saying this to me,
but he said this.
516
00:31:42,503 --> 00:31:45,939
Everybody heard him say it.
He goes, "It's delicious."
517
00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:47,040
I was like, "What?"
518
00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:56,250
I don't think I've ever heard pussy
called delicious before in my life.
519
00:31:56,316 --> 00:31:58,685
Now, this is not to say that it's bad.
520
00:31:59,753 --> 00:32:01,989
But it's definitely an acquired taste.
521
00:32:04,024 --> 00:32:06,293
I don't think any of us
tasted pussy our first time like...
522
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:09,830
"Mmm! It's good!"
523
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:13,634
It needs something.
524
00:32:19,573 --> 00:32:22,876
You know, it's illegal for a gynecologist
to say the word "pussy."
525
00:32:24,044 --> 00:32:25,379
They can only say "vagina,"
526
00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:27,781
or they can name individual parts
medically,
527
00:32:27,848 --> 00:32:31,418
but they can never say shorthand,
even if the gynecologist is a woman.
528
00:32:31,952 --> 00:32:33,620
I feel like if it was
a woman gynecologist, it's cool.
529
00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:35,689
Like, "Am I all right?"
She's like, "Girl, that pussy is..."
530
00:32:36,823 --> 00:32:39,393
She'd be like, "Yeah."
531
00:32:42,394 --> 00:32:45,130
I don't think men should be allowed
to be gynecologists.
532
00:32:46,266 --> 00:32:48,435
That shit is a conflict of interest.
533
00:32:51,505 --> 00:32:54,641
Even when my wife was pregnant,
we used to go to a gynecologist...
534
00:32:57,511 --> 00:32:59,947
and he'd put her legs up
in that stirrup like this.
535
00:33:00,013 --> 00:33:02,182
He'd be like, "All right, Mrs. Chappelle,
just try to relax."
536
00:33:02,249 --> 00:33:03,884
I'd push him.
"Back up, motherfucker! I got this.
537
00:33:03,951 --> 00:33:05,519
Just tell me what to look for."
538
00:33:13,427 --> 00:33:15,429
One of those homestyle checkups.
539
00:33:17,164 --> 00:33:19,099
There's too many ethical questions
when men do that.
540
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:22,269
Like, can a gynecologist
lose their license...
541
00:33:23,670 --> 00:33:25,772
for smelling their fingers during an exam?
542
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,574
Is that illegal?
543
00:33:30,075 --> 00:33:32,077
How could they not? These are men.
544
00:33:33,981 --> 00:33:36,683
It's like if you have a good barbeque,
you don't even think about it.
545
00:33:36,750 --> 00:33:37,751
You just...
546
00:33:44,658 --> 00:33:48,695
The word "pussy" is only offensive
if you're older.
547
00:33:48,762 --> 00:33:51,265
People my age and younger,
I don't think we even--
548
00:33:51,331 --> 00:33:52,900
We dance to that shit.
549
00:33:54,401 --> 00:33:56,570
That song comes on the radio--
♪ I beat the pussy up ♪
550
00:33:56,637 --> 00:33:58,805
That's on the radio.
♪ I beat the pussy up ♪
551
00:33:58,872 --> 00:34:00,574
That's a pretty harsh song.
552
00:34:01,942 --> 00:34:05,078
It's nothing like a love song.
There's no tracks of his tears,
553
00:34:05,145 --> 00:34:06,813
no midnight trains to Georgia.
554
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:11,618
This man simply beats the pussy up.
555
00:34:11,685 --> 00:34:14,521
Unbelievable.
556
00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:16,957
You don't even know
if he's having sex with these women.
557
00:34:17,024 --> 00:34:19,693
They might just pull their pants down.
He'd be like, pow!
558
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:20,928
"G-Unit!"
559
00:34:25,732 --> 00:34:27,201
You'll be watching HBO.
560
00:34:27,267 --> 00:34:30,204
"Hi, I'm Larry Merchant,
standing here ringside with the pussy
561
00:34:30,270 --> 00:34:32,472
after a devastating bout with 50 Cent.
562
00:34:32,539 --> 00:34:35,108
Pussy, come over here
and let me talk to you for a second.
563
00:34:35,175 --> 00:34:37,678
My God, you look terrible.
Your lips seem to be swollen.
564
00:34:37,744 --> 00:34:39,112
You're bleeding a little bit.
565
00:34:39,179 --> 00:34:42,382
Tell me, pussy, what happened inside
of that ring with 50?"
566
00:34:43,517 --> 00:34:45,485
"I don't know, Larry.
I felt really good in the first round.
567
00:34:45,552 --> 00:34:46,653
I was ready to fight.
568
00:34:47,821 --> 00:34:49,590
I was warm and moist, and...
569
00:34:51,091 --> 00:34:53,493
I don't know. He just hit me
from angles I wasn't expecting.
570
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,264
Front, left.
The backside surprised me the most."
571
00:34:59,366 --> 00:35:00,934
"Well, pussy,
let's take a look at round four.
572
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:02,903
This is where it all went wrong for you.
573
00:35:03,837 --> 00:35:06,139
Here you come out of your corner, pussy.
You're fighting really good.
574
00:35:06,206 --> 00:35:08,041
It looks like you got 50
with a right and a left,
575
00:35:08,108 --> 00:35:11,278
but then 50 slips you a jab. And there.
There. Right there. You see that?
576
00:35:11,345 --> 00:35:13,146
He punches you right on that--
577
00:35:13,213 --> 00:35:15,249
that little bean thing
you have on the top of your head.
578
00:35:15,315 --> 00:35:16,550
I don't know what that is.
579
00:35:18,051 --> 00:35:20,420
There's 50 just pounding away
at that bean, over and over.
580
00:35:20,487 --> 00:35:23,323
Now, pussy, tell me,
what goes through a fighter's mind
581
00:35:23,390 --> 00:35:26,360
when their bean gets rattled around
like that?"
582
00:35:28,462 --> 00:35:29,830
"I don't think
I was thinking anything, Larry.
583
00:35:29,897 --> 00:35:32,466
I'm a real good defensive fighter.
It's real hard to get to me.
584
00:35:33,767 --> 00:35:36,170
I've never been punched directly
on my bean before.
585
00:35:37,638 --> 00:35:41,074
As a matter of fact, most fighters
don't even know that bean exists.
586
00:35:42,609 --> 00:35:44,678
I guess he just hit me,
then I lost control of my legs.
587
00:35:44,745 --> 00:35:46,013
I don't know what else to tell you."
588
00:35:49,950 --> 00:35:52,719
I like when Lil Wayne talks about pussy,
because he's--
589
00:35:52,786 --> 00:35:55,355
Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song?
He say,
590
00:35:55,422 --> 00:35:57,891
"♪ I got a bitch that plays movies
In my Jacuzzi" ♪
591
00:35:57,958 --> 00:35:59,359
Then he goes like this:
592
00:36:00,260 --> 00:36:01,595
"♪ Pussy juicy ♪"
593
00:36:05,132 --> 00:36:07,968
That shit--
That shit always makes me laugh.
594
00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:11,738
No guy says that.
Only Lil Wayne says some shit like that.
595
00:36:11,805 --> 00:36:13,473
If you was fucking a girl,
and she's like, "Is this pussy good?"
596
00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:15,609
And you're like,
"Yeah, it's juicy. It's good."
597
00:36:16,910 --> 00:36:18,278
The pussy was juicy.
598
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:22,916
That's why I'm not Lil Wayne.
'Cause if I was in a hot tub with a girl,
599
00:36:22,983 --> 00:36:28,956
and I could tell that the pussy was juicy
while I was in the hot tub,
600
00:36:29,957 --> 00:36:31,592
I'd probably get out of the tub.
601
00:36:33,327 --> 00:36:34,728
I'm a germophobe.
602
00:36:36,263 --> 00:36:37,831
I just picture Lil Wayne like...
603
00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:40,901
"What is this strange oil...
604
00:36:43,036 --> 00:36:45,205
floating in my hot tub water?
605
00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,775
It's pussy juice."
606
00:36:51,044 --> 00:36:52,479
That shit was so funny to me,
607
00:36:52,546 --> 00:36:55,782
I must've wrote, like,
no less than 40 jokes
608
00:36:55,849 --> 00:36:57,651
with the punch line "pussy juice,"
609
00:36:58,785 --> 00:37:02,256
and all of them worked to some degree
100% of the time.
610
00:37:03,490 --> 00:37:05,626
I'll do one more just so you believe me.
Okay.
611
00:37:07,528 --> 00:37:10,364
All right. In this next piece,
612
00:37:12,099 --> 00:37:14,334
it's a special episode of CSI.
613
00:37:15,769 --> 00:37:18,805
For some reason,
Lil Wayne's guest starring
614
00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:21,909
as the lead detective. Okay?
615
00:37:21,975 --> 00:37:25,179
That's the setup. Are you ready?
Here it goes.
616
00:37:27,414 --> 00:37:29,917
"Has anyone else been
on this crime scene?"
617
00:37:31,818 --> 00:37:32,819
"No."
618
00:37:35,155 --> 00:37:36,757
"It's very strange.
619
00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:41,828
This place is virtually undisturbed.
No forced entry.
620
00:37:42,663 --> 00:37:44,631
No sign of a struggle.
621
00:37:47,935 --> 00:37:49,970
Shine your flashlight right here.
I just slipped in something.
622
00:37:50,037 --> 00:37:51,305
What is this?
623
00:37:55,175 --> 00:37:56,743
What is this?
624
00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:59,479
It glistens in the light.
625
00:38:02,749 --> 00:38:04,651
Smooth to the touch.
626
00:38:11,258 --> 00:38:13,026
This is pussy juice.
627
00:38:20,567 --> 00:38:22,936
She must've been sitting Indian style."
628
00:38:24,805 --> 00:38:26,440
Thirty-nine more where that came from.
629
00:38:32,312 --> 00:38:34,114
Everybody's mad about something.
630
00:38:36,016 --> 00:38:38,552
Recently, I got attacked online
by some gay bloggers,
631
00:38:38,619 --> 00:38:40,120
and it hurt my feelings.
632
00:38:42,890 --> 00:38:46,527
I have no problem with gay people,
but I fucking hate bloggers.
633
00:38:50,464 --> 00:38:52,165
I'm not saying it
'cause this person was gay.
634
00:38:52,232 --> 00:38:56,203
They was just acting like a bitch online.
They was mischaracterizing my jokes,
635
00:38:56,270 --> 00:38:59,039
trying to make a point off of me,
when it was really like--
636
00:38:59,106 --> 00:39:01,875
"Yo, I'm your ally, motherfucker.
I'm not trying to stop gay people.
637
00:39:01,942 --> 00:39:03,377
I got better shit to do."
638
00:39:03,443 --> 00:39:06,580
This motherfucker was saying things,
trying to get gay people to beat me up.
639
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:09,449
Seriously, he was like...
640
00:39:09,516 --> 00:39:11,051
"Dave Chappelle's jokes--"
641
00:39:11,118 --> 00:39:13,420
I don't know how he actually talks.
I'm just making his voice up.
642
00:39:16,924 --> 00:39:22,095
"Dave Chappelle's jokes were an affront
to the manhood of all gay men."
643
00:39:22,162 --> 00:39:24,131
What the fuck does that mean?
644
00:39:24,198 --> 00:39:27,968
I didn't say anything that would allude
to gay men not being men.
645
00:39:28,035 --> 00:39:29,570
I know you're men.
646
00:39:29,636 --> 00:39:35,342
In fact, what could be manlier
than fucking another guy in the ass?
647
00:39:37,211 --> 00:39:40,547
It's the most gangster shit
I've ever heard of in my life.
648
00:39:42,049 --> 00:39:44,518
I told you, I'm not cut out for that.
I'm a pussy.
649
00:39:47,518 --> 00:39:49,888
You know what I said?
This is all I said.
650
00:39:49,957 --> 00:39:52,025
First of all,
I'll tell you right now what I said,
651
00:39:52,092 --> 00:39:55,529
and I'll tell you this was not a joke.
It's a true story,
652
00:39:55,596 --> 00:39:57,231
and I just happened to tell it.
653
00:39:57,297 --> 00:40:00,501
What happened was,
I went to a gallery party, all right?
654
00:40:00,567 --> 00:40:02,903
I don't know who in here
has ever been rich before,
655
00:40:02,970 --> 00:40:04,705
but these are very nice parties.
656
00:40:05,606 --> 00:40:08,375
You know, wine and cheese
and baller conversation.
657
00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:12,246
And there was a few eccentric types,
658
00:40:12,312 --> 00:40:16,149
one of which was a very wealthy man
that happened to be wearing a dress.
659
00:40:16,216 --> 00:40:19,887
I don't know what you call him.
A tranny, or a drag queen, perhaps.
660
00:40:19,953 --> 00:40:22,422
Whatever he was, he was definitely a man.
661
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:26,760
And this man was definitely on drugs.
662
00:40:26,827 --> 00:40:30,297
I don't know what kind of drugs he was on,
but I knew he had too much.
663
00:40:30,364 --> 00:40:33,133
He didn't look good. He was like this.
664
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,903
He looked sick, and all his friends
were standing around him,
665
00:40:35,969 --> 00:40:37,938
concerned, trying to revive him.
666
00:40:38,005 --> 00:40:40,140
I don't know what,
it looked like some kind of gay CPR.
667
00:40:40,207 --> 00:40:41,876
There was fanning and shit.
They was like--
668
00:40:48,048 --> 00:40:49,783
I saw all this from a distance.
669
00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:52,252
Now, I should've minded my own business,
but I got curious.
670
00:40:52,319 --> 00:40:53,320
I was like...
671
00:40:56,056 --> 00:40:59,493
And I went over there.
All I said, "Excuse me, gentlemen.
672
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:00,928
Is he okay?"
673
00:41:00,994 --> 00:41:02,996
Then they looked at me like I was evil.
674
00:41:05,866 --> 00:41:08,068
"She is fine."
675
00:41:10,170 --> 00:41:11,638
I said, "Word? Oh.
676
00:41:13,006 --> 00:41:15,042
I'm sorry. I didn't know
this is what we were doing."
677
00:41:17,511 --> 00:41:18,879
Here's my thing.
678
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,647
I support anybody's right
679
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:25,350
to be whoever
they feel like they are inside.
680
00:41:25,419 --> 00:41:26,820
I'm your ally in that.
681
00:41:27,521 --> 00:41:28,689
However...
682
00:41:30,023 --> 00:41:31,491
my question is...
683
00:41:32,759 --> 00:41:37,297
to what degree do I have to participate
in your self-image?
684
00:41:38,198 --> 00:41:42,169
Is it fair that I have to change my whole
pronoun game up for this motherfucker?
685
00:41:42,236 --> 00:41:43,237
That doesn't make sense.
686
00:41:46,607 --> 00:41:47,808
Seriously.
687
00:41:48,842 --> 00:41:50,477
If I put on an argyle sweater,
688
00:41:50,544 --> 00:41:52,779
and I'm like, "Hey, everybody,
I feel like a white guy in this sweater,
689
00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:54,948
and I want some goddamn respect
and a bank loan,"
690
00:41:55,015 --> 00:41:56,350
that's not gonna work.
691
00:41:57,384 --> 00:41:59,820
You don't give a fuck how I feel.
Why should I give a fuck how you feel?
692
00:41:59,887 --> 00:42:01,355
"Nigger" is a pronoun.
693
00:42:03,457 --> 00:42:05,325
But there was no time
for philosophical debate.
694
00:42:05,392 --> 00:42:06,960
This was an emergency situation.
695
00:42:07,794 --> 00:42:11,131
I said, "Fine. I'm sorry, guys.
I was just worried because--
696
00:42:12,466 --> 00:42:13,967
because she looks terrible.
697
00:42:15,969 --> 00:42:18,005
And she just fell off the bench.
698
00:42:19,373 --> 00:42:21,909
It appears that her dick
is popping out of her dress.
699
00:42:24,711 --> 00:42:26,046
You mind if I call an ambulance, champ?
700
00:42:26,113 --> 00:42:28,115
I'd rather not be at a party
where a tranny OD's.
701
00:42:28,182 --> 00:42:29,983
There's too many questions to answer."
702
00:42:43,096 --> 00:42:44,698
Okay, I've been through this before.
703
00:42:44,765 --> 00:42:46,700
I had a friend from high school.
704
00:42:46,767 --> 00:42:51,371
Now, in high school, this guy was a thug.
He was a fucking dope boy.
705
00:42:51,438 --> 00:42:54,608
He did it all. He was a wild dude.
People used to be very scared of him.
706
00:42:54,675 --> 00:42:56,276
And then after high school,
707
00:42:56,343 --> 00:42:59,079
word on the street was
he had come out the closet.
708
00:42:59,146 --> 00:43:00,681
I personally didn't believe it.
709
00:43:01,515 --> 00:43:04,952
I bring him up because last year,
he calls me out of the blue,
710
00:43:05,018 --> 00:43:07,454
like, "Yo, what's up, man?
I got your number from so-and-so.
711
00:43:07,521 --> 00:43:10,057
I heard you're gonna be in New York
doing a show. Could I get some tickets?"
712
00:43:10,123 --> 00:43:12,326
I was like, "Fuck yeah,
you can get some tickets. How you been?"
713
00:43:12,392 --> 00:43:16,263
He said, "We'll catch up at the show,
but I appreciate it. I'll see you soon."
714
00:43:16,330 --> 00:43:18,565
I said, "All right, man. Take care."
I was about to hang up,
715
00:43:18,632 --> 00:43:20,601
but I couldn't resist. I was just like,
716
00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,136
"Hey, nigga, I heard you was gay.
What's going on with that?"
717
00:43:29,376 --> 00:43:30,911
And I wish I didn't ask.
718
00:43:31,678 --> 00:43:34,147
'Cause he sounded like he was dying
to talk about that shit,
719
00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:36,283
and he had a long story about it.
720
00:43:36,350 --> 00:43:40,621
It's not that I didn't care, but I was--
I don't like talking on the phone.
721
00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:42,789
I was watching TV at the same time.
722
00:43:43,624 --> 00:43:45,959
So, I just wasn't really paying attention
like I should.
723
00:43:46,026 --> 00:43:48,529
I was trying to sound supportive,
but I didn't really know what to say.
724
00:43:48,595 --> 00:43:50,998
So, I just mumbled and shit
throughout this conversation.
725
00:43:51,064 --> 00:43:54,134
I was like, "Well, you know, nigga,
you're gay, man. You're just gay.
726
00:43:54,201 --> 00:43:55,369
Come on, man."
727
00:44:00,140 --> 00:44:01,575
This went on for a while.
728
00:44:01,642 --> 00:44:05,012
Then finally, I had to say something
definitive to get him off the phone.
729
00:44:05,078 --> 00:44:09,216
And I was like, "Hey, you know what?
Don't let people get you down, all right?
730
00:44:09,283 --> 00:44:11,952
And the next time someone tries
to make you feel bad about yourself,
731
00:44:12,019 --> 00:44:15,055
just remember:
Everybody fucks funny to somebody."
732
00:44:21,061 --> 00:44:22,296
He didn't like that shit.
733
00:44:23,363 --> 00:44:25,632
He said, "What the fuck does that mean?"
I said, "Huh?"
734
00:44:25,699 --> 00:44:27,334
He said, "You saying I fuck funny,
motherfucker?"
735
00:44:27,401 --> 00:44:29,670
I said, "No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying everybody's different."
736
00:44:29,736 --> 00:44:32,206
He said, "You didn't say 'different.'
You said 'funny.'
737
00:44:32,272 --> 00:44:34,341
What's so fucking funny
about the way I fuck?"
738
00:44:34,408 --> 00:44:36,977
And I said, "Hey, man, I fuck feet."
739
00:44:37,044 --> 00:44:38,312
He said, "What?!"
740
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,015
Oh, this is not a joke,
ladies and gentlemen.
741
00:44:42,082 --> 00:44:44,918
I get women to squeeze their feet together
like this,
742
00:44:44,985 --> 00:44:47,621
and I fuck them right
in that little space in their feet.
743
00:44:51,024 --> 00:44:53,427
But you can't build a community
behind that shit.
744
00:44:55,495 --> 00:44:57,564
There's no flag for us.
745
00:45:01,535 --> 00:45:03,270
That shit made him laugh.
746
00:45:04,738 --> 00:45:05,939
The next day,
747
00:45:07,007 --> 00:45:08,742
after the show, I saw him backstage.
748
00:45:08,809 --> 00:45:11,445
He was like, "What's up, man?
I'm like, "Oh, shit! What's going on?"
749
00:45:11,512 --> 00:45:14,381
He had his buddy with him.
He goes, "Dave, I want you to meet Manuel.
750
00:45:14,448 --> 00:45:17,584
Manuel's my fiancé. We're in New York
getting married 'cause it's legal here."
751
00:45:17,651 --> 00:45:22,089
I said, "Oh.
Well, congratulations, fellas."
752
00:45:22,856 --> 00:45:24,491
And Manuel was like, "Gracias."
753
00:45:24,558 --> 00:45:26,293
And he went to go get some drinks,
754
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,062
and then my buddy looked at me.
He was like, "So, Dave...
755
00:45:30,097 --> 00:45:31,298
what do you think?"
756
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,102
And I started mumbling again.
757
00:45:35,169 --> 00:45:37,638
"Well, you're gay, nigga.
You know, you're just gay."
758
00:45:40,374 --> 00:45:42,609
He said, "I'm a little nervous
about getting married, man.
759
00:45:42,676 --> 00:45:43,810
It's a big step."
760
00:45:43,877 --> 00:45:45,479
I said, "Yeah, it is. It's a big step."
761
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:48,348
He said,
"You've been married for a while.
762
00:45:49,082 --> 00:45:50,684
You got any advice for us?"
763
00:45:52,352 --> 00:45:54,788
"No, I'm married to a woman.
Sorry about that."
764
00:45:56,657 --> 00:46:01,061
And he corrected me. He said,
"No. You married the person that you love,
765
00:46:01,128 --> 00:46:02,963
so it's essentially the same."
766
00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:06,867
I said, "You know, man,
the problem with that statement
767
00:46:06,934 --> 00:46:09,636
is that it makes the assumption
that I love her. But--"
768
00:46:14,708 --> 00:46:17,811
Will you guys lighten the fuck up?
Of course I love my wife.
769
00:46:19,246 --> 00:46:20,380
She laughs at this shit.
770
00:46:20,447 --> 00:46:22,516
she eats and spends this shit.
771
00:46:24,952 --> 00:46:27,955
No, I told him, I said,
"You know what you should do, man?
772
00:46:28,021 --> 00:46:30,524
First of all, you shouldn't do it."
773
00:46:31,658 --> 00:46:33,260
I'm talking about being legally married.
774
00:46:33,327 --> 00:46:36,396
It's not that you're gay
as much as just legal marriage
775
00:46:36,463 --> 00:46:39,967
is a fucking diabolical leverage game
in the United States.
776
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:41,635
I'm just being honest.
777
00:46:41,702 --> 00:46:44,738
Devoid of religious significance
or the idea of love,
778
00:46:44,805 --> 00:46:48,041
marriage is nothing but an awful contract
that you shouldn't sign.
779
00:46:51,211 --> 00:46:52,513
I'm just being real.
780
00:46:55,082 --> 00:46:56,884
Because you start out loving each other.
781
00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:59,953
Then two years later, you're just
building a case against one another...
782
00:47:01,054 --> 00:47:04,124
for a hypothetical court date
that may or may not ever happen.
783
00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:09,463
You throw being gay on top of that,
that shit is explosive.
784
00:47:10,297 --> 00:47:11,532
It's that Ray Rice shit.
785
00:47:11,598 --> 00:47:14,134
Right after Ray Rice
went through all that shit,
786
00:47:14,201 --> 00:47:16,270
I was at a party
and I met this kid Michael Sam.
787
00:47:16,336 --> 00:47:18,772
You know Michael Sam? Very nice guy.
788
00:47:18,839 --> 00:47:21,642
He's the first openly gay NFL player.
789
00:47:21,708 --> 00:47:24,678
And Michael's a very nice guy,
a very brave guy,
790
00:47:24,745 --> 00:47:26,747
but when I met him,
I couldn't help but think,
791
00:47:26,813 --> 00:47:31,018
"What's gonna happen when Michael Sam
beats his wife up in the elevator?
792
00:47:31,752 --> 00:47:32,920
Is that domestic violence,
793
00:47:32,986 --> 00:47:35,689
or is that just two niggas
working shit out in an elevator?"
794
00:47:35,756 --> 00:47:36,757
You know what I mean?
795
00:47:48,769 --> 00:47:49,837
Anyway...
796
00:47:51,004 --> 00:47:54,208
I give all married men the same advice,
gay or straight.
797
00:47:54,274 --> 00:47:55,642
Get a dog.
798
00:47:57,311 --> 00:48:00,347
Because a dog will love you all the time,
but she's not going to.
799
00:48:02,716 --> 00:48:05,519
It was real talk.
I didn't even know about dogs,
800
00:48:05,586 --> 00:48:07,287
and my kids got the dog.
801
00:48:07,354 --> 00:48:09,423
They brought him home from the shelter.
I didn't even want him.
802
00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,525
They were like, "Can we keep him?"
I said, "Nope."
803
00:48:11,592 --> 00:48:14,027
I said, "Where did you get this dog?"
They're like, "From the shelter."
804
00:48:14,094 --> 00:48:15,095
I was like, "Ugh.
805
00:48:16,463 --> 00:48:18,065
Probably something wrong with him.
806
00:48:19,666 --> 00:48:20,667
Can't keep him."
807
00:48:20,734 --> 00:48:22,903
And then my kids started crying
and screaming
808
00:48:22,970 --> 00:48:24,471
like the dog had gambling debts.
809
00:48:24,538 --> 00:48:26,707
"Please, Dad!
If you don't let us keep him,
810
00:48:26,773 --> 00:48:27,975
they're gonna kill him!"
811
00:48:28,041 --> 00:48:29,076
I was like, "Oh--
812
00:48:31,545 --> 00:48:32,980
All right, you can keep him."
813
00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:35,048
And this dog was a menace.
814
00:48:37,117 --> 00:48:38,485
I hated his guts.
815
00:48:39,753 --> 00:48:44,057
One night, I'd smoked a bunch of weed,
and I was eating a sandwich,
816
00:48:44,124 --> 00:48:45,959
and Baba came over--
Baba is the dog.
817
00:48:46,026 --> 00:48:47,561
He came over and was staring at me.
818
00:48:47,628 --> 00:48:50,097
This will make you very uncomfortable,
if he's just looking at you eating.
819
00:48:58,038 --> 00:49:00,774
I had to give him a piece of my sandwich
so he'd go away,
820
00:49:00,841 --> 00:49:02,576
and that's how we became friends.
821
00:49:04,011 --> 00:49:06,513
Now, if you see me walking down the street
with Baba,
822
00:49:06,580 --> 00:49:09,183
I ain't got no leash or nothing.
He walks right next to me.
823
00:49:09,249 --> 00:49:11,585
If I stop, he'll stop.
And if I go, he'll go.
824
00:49:11,652 --> 00:49:14,154
And all my friends are like,
"Yo, Dave, that shit is dope.
825
00:49:14,221 --> 00:49:16,056
How'd you train Baba to do that shit?"
826
00:49:17,824 --> 00:49:19,293
"I've never trained Baba.
827
00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:21,695
I'm just a messy eater."
828
00:49:23,397 --> 00:49:26,533
If I drop food and Baba's not around,
all I gotta do is call him.
829
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:27,601
"Baba!"
830
00:49:28,802 --> 00:49:31,071
He's a black dude's dog,
so he doesn't come right away.
831
00:49:31,138 --> 00:49:33,373
He peeks first to see what's going on.
832
00:49:38,579 --> 00:49:40,214
I gotta tap my foot
so he can see the food.
833
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:41,281
"Over here, little buddy."
834
00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:46,787
He's like, "Thanks, Dave,"
and he'll come get it and run off.
835
00:49:46,854 --> 00:49:49,456
But he knows all my habits.
If he smells weed in the house,
836
00:49:49,523 --> 00:49:50,791
he'll be like...
837
00:49:50,858 --> 00:49:53,293
"Oh, this motherfucker's about to eat."
And he'll just come running.
838
00:50:01,034 --> 00:50:04,071
Baba got me through a very difficult time
in my marriage.
839
00:50:05,439 --> 00:50:07,541
We spend the most time together.
840
00:50:07,608 --> 00:50:09,343
It's not that me and my wife
don't spend time together,
841
00:50:09,409 --> 00:50:12,579
but we've been married so long,
we don't talk like--
842
00:50:12,646 --> 00:50:15,616
I don't know if anyone's married here,
but after ten years,
843
00:50:15,682 --> 00:50:18,919
all that chatty shit goes away.
You've said it all.
844
00:50:18,986 --> 00:50:22,122
You know what I mean.
Yeah. We're just in the zone.
845
00:50:23,757 --> 00:50:26,760
She says the same shit to me every night
before she goes to bed.
846
00:50:26,827 --> 00:50:29,730
I'll be the last one up. She's like,
"I'm gonna get some sleep, Dave.
847
00:50:29,796 --> 00:50:30,797
Good night."
848
00:50:30,864 --> 00:50:33,500
"All right, babe. I'm gonna stay up
and watch television. Good night."
849
00:50:33,567 --> 00:50:36,036
Then she'll walk halfway up the steps.
850
00:50:36,103 --> 00:50:37,471
"David?"
851
00:50:37,538 --> 00:50:38,572
"Hmm?"
852
00:50:41,074 --> 00:50:43,877
"Don't eat the kids' lunch."
And then she walks away.
853
00:50:49,650 --> 00:50:52,920
Well, the crazy shit is,
I don't even eat their lunch anymore.
854
00:50:53,887 --> 00:50:56,924
Back in the day, I used to eat that shit.
You know how that goes.
855
00:50:57,724 --> 00:50:59,459
Now I might smoke some weed
in the middle of the night,
856
00:50:59,526 --> 00:51:02,563
and she'll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches
all over the kitchen.
857
00:51:03,430 --> 00:51:04,565
I'm gonna eat it.
858
00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:09,403
What's the big deal? Why can't she
just make another one in the morning?
859
00:51:09,469 --> 00:51:11,872
I mean, I got sons anyway.
860
00:51:11,939 --> 00:51:14,074
And sons love everything their dads do.
861
00:51:14,141 --> 00:51:16,043
My kids will be at school
the next day like,
862
00:51:16,109 --> 00:51:20,080
"Oh, Dad bit my sandwich. Oh, shit!"
863
00:51:21,849 --> 00:51:24,218
Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man.
864
00:51:24,284 --> 00:51:26,386
You could trade that sandwich
for something better.
865
00:51:28,689 --> 00:51:31,258
What I'm doing is adding value
to their lunch.
866
00:51:33,427 --> 00:51:35,529
But she doesn't understand these types
of things.
867
00:51:36,230 --> 00:51:37,598
Anyway, she gets mad at me.
868
00:51:37,664 --> 00:51:40,767
She's mad at me now
'cause I got myself in trouble.
869
00:51:40,834 --> 00:51:45,072
I got myself extorted,
which happens in this business.
870
00:51:45,138 --> 00:51:46,974
I come home from the road.
871
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,876
There was a FedEx sitting
on the kitchen table,
872
00:51:49,843 --> 00:51:51,812
and it was addressed to me,
so I opened it.
873
00:51:51,879 --> 00:51:53,347
I don't know who delivered it.
874
00:51:53,413 --> 00:51:56,617
And there was a videocassette inside
with a note written on it
875
00:51:56,683 --> 00:51:58,085
that said, "Gotcha."
876
00:51:58,151 --> 00:52:01,054
Oh, my God. Can you imagine?
I freaked out.
877
00:52:01,121 --> 00:52:04,391
I tore the whole house apart,
trying to find a VCR.
878
00:52:04,458 --> 00:52:06,460
I hadn't seen a tape in over a decade.
879
00:52:09,530 --> 00:52:12,332
And I watched the tape, and it was awful.
They got me.
880
00:52:12,399 --> 00:52:16,537
It was a tape of me--
I was fucking a girl, okay?
881
00:52:16,603 --> 00:52:19,907
But it was from before I was married.
But it was not a good look.
882
00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:23,944
And I felt sick to my stomach,
and I looked up at the clock,
883
00:52:24,011 --> 00:52:26,613
and then I saw my wife was coming home
in ten minutes,
884
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,415
and I just panicked.
885
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:32,653
I jerked off to the tape real fast,
and then--
886
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,595
and then I called the FBI.
887
00:52:45,866 --> 00:52:48,569
Who, by the way,
made me feel much better.
888
00:52:49,870 --> 00:52:52,105
They didn't say
they were gonna catch 'em for sure,
889
00:52:52,172 --> 00:52:55,709
but they had the demeanor of some
confident people that would catch 'em.
890
00:52:55,776 --> 00:52:58,345
So, I didn't worry about it too much.
891
00:52:58,412 --> 00:53:01,215
And then, not even a week later,
five days later, I come home,
892
00:53:01,281 --> 00:53:03,650
and there's another videocassette sitting
on my porch.
893
00:53:03,717 --> 00:53:05,452
As soon as I saw it,
I just called the police.
894
00:53:05,519 --> 00:53:06,787
"They've done it again.
895
00:53:06,854 --> 00:53:09,056
You should probably look for a guy
with bell-bottoms on,
896
00:53:09,122 --> 00:53:12,392
because I don't know who the fuck
is sending tapes!"
897
00:53:19,733 --> 00:53:23,337
And that second tape was the worst shit
I'd ever seen in my life. It was awful.
898
00:53:23,403 --> 00:53:27,674
Career-ending bad.
It was a tape of me...
899
00:53:29,543 --> 00:53:31,478
jerking off to the tape a week earlier.
900
00:53:31,545 --> 00:53:34,915
I don't even know how they'd
even get such a thing.
901
00:53:37,317 --> 00:53:40,487
I had to explain all of this to my wife.
902
00:53:41,722 --> 00:53:43,223
She was very mad.
903
00:53:43,290 --> 00:53:48,028
No thing in this world is as cold
as a woman's cold shoulder,
904
00:53:48,095 --> 00:53:51,098
'cause she was mad,
but she wouldn't talk to me about it.
905
00:53:51,164 --> 00:53:55,235
She would just punish me in little ways,
make me do shit that I hate to do.
906
00:53:57,804 --> 00:54:00,674
Like pick the kids up from school.
That's one thing she made me do.
907
00:54:01,308 --> 00:54:02,743
That's a hardship for me.
908
00:54:04,645 --> 00:54:07,948
I got one son that goes
to a public school.
909
00:54:08,015 --> 00:54:09,516
And...
910
00:54:11,451 --> 00:54:14,788
his little brother goes
to a private school.
911
00:54:15,789 --> 00:54:18,358
It's an experiment. I just want to see
what's gonna happen to them.
912
00:54:24,565 --> 00:54:27,234
But what's weird is,
my little son in private school,
913
00:54:27,301 --> 00:54:30,771
he's, like, my thuggy son,
you know what I mean?
914
00:54:30,838 --> 00:54:33,907
I don't know where he gets that from.
He's not getting it from me.
915
00:54:34,641 --> 00:54:37,044
And he's definitely not getting it
from that school.
916
00:54:37,678 --> 00:54:39,847
That school is very--
It's a liberal school.
917
00:54:39,913 --> 00:54:41,215
It's the kind of school--
918
00:54:41,281 --> 00:54:45,018
there might be, like,
12 black students in the entire school,
919
00:54:45,085 --> 00:54:46,854
and I'm the only black parent.
920
00:54:54,561 --> 00:54:56,530
And none of the parents like me, either.
921
00:54:57,197 --> 00:54:59,266
Not 'cause I'm black,
but they don't like how I roll.
922
00:54:59,333 --> 00:55:02,870
I'll be showing up late all the time,
and I'm, like, in a Porsche,
923
00:55:02,936 --> 00:55:05,405
and I'm blasting music
that they don't like.
924
00:55:05,472 --> 00:55:06,874
♪ I beat the pussy up ♪
925
00:55:06,940 --> 00:55:08,809
Then I pull into the parking lot.
926
00:55:09,576 --> 00:55:12,145
I might be smoking a cigarette
with the kids in the car.
927
00:55:13,947 --> 00:55:16,550
Then I pull into that handicapped space.
928
00:55:17,184 --> 00:55:18,685
And when I get out
of the handicapped space,
929
00:55:18,752 --> 00:55:20,721
they always want to say
some passive-aggressive shit.
930
00:55:20,787 --> 00:55:23,524
"Morning, Dave.
Don't know if you noticed,
931
00:55:23,590 --> 00:55:26,093
but you actually parked
in the handicapped space."
932
00:55:26,159 --> 00:55:28,595
"Yeah, you know, Frank, I did notice.
933
00:55:28,662 --> 00:55:32,132
But who is this handicapped guy
we're all waiting on that never shows up?"
934
00:55:41,875 --> 00:55:43,377
So, I hate going over to that school.
935
00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:46,647
The only parents that are nice to me
is a lesbian couple--
936
00:55:46,713 --> 00:55:48,282
Kate and Sarah.
937
00:55:48,348 --> 00:55:52,486
Actually, Kate hates my guts.
Sarah knows that I'm black,
938
00:55:52,553 --> 00:55:55,589
and she's half-black,
so she just understands me.
939
00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:59,226
You know what I'm saying?
I can't explain it.
940
00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:01,662
Because I'll say shit,
941
00:56:01,728 --> 00:56:03,697
and Kate's just too serious
about being a lesbian.
942
00:56:03,764 --> 00:56:05,866
I'll be like, "Hey, Kate. Hey, Sarah.
943
00:56:07,534 --> 00:56:09,369
You guys going
to the father-son picnic next week?
944
00:56:09,436 --> 00:56:10,537
How's that gonna work?"
945
00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:14,608
And Kate will instantly be furious.
946
00:56:14,675 --> 00:56:17,411
But Sarah knows I'm fucking around,
so she'll just say something cool.
947
00:56:17,477 --> 00:56:20,113
"I don't know, Dave. Maybe me and Kate
will flip for that shit."
948
00:56:22,482 --> 00:56:24,351
I said, "Bitch,
you better save that coin toss,
949
00:56:24,418 --> 00:56:27,354
because everybody knows
you're strapping on in that household."
950
00:56:28,822 --> 00:56:31,525
And then Kate will turn bright red,
but Sarah just fist-bumps me,
951
00:56:31,592 --> 00:56:33,794
like, "You're right, nigga. It's me. Bop."
952
00:56:35,929 --> 00:56:37,197
We're good friends.
953
00:56:38,165 --> 00:56:39,766
We're good friends.
They invite me to stuff.
954
00:56:39,833 --> 00:56:41,568
They're my only friends at the school.
955
00:56:41,635 --> 00:56:42,870
So, imagine my surprise
956
00:56:42,936 --> 00:56:45,472
when I go to pick my son up
after all this happens.
957
00:56:45,539 --> 00:56:48,175
And the teacher is waiting outside for me.
958
00:56:48,242 --> 00:56:51,545
She's just standing right there
in the middle of the handicapped space.
959
00:56:55,048 --> 00:56:57,117
I knew something was wrong,
so I rolled the window down.
960
00:56:57,184 --> 00:56:58,519
"What's going on?"
961
00:56:58,585 --> 00:57:01,522
"Hi, David. Can we talk to you
for a minute in the office?"
962
00:57:01,588 --> 00:57:03,290
I said, "No, fuck that.
We gotta talk right here.
963
00:57:03,357 --> 00:57:04,391
What's going on?"
964
00:57:05,359 --> 00:57:06,527
I knew it was bad.
965
00:57:08,595 --> 00:57:10,364
"Ibrahim had a fight."
966
00:57:10,430 --> 00:57:14,268
I said, "A fight?"
"Don't worry. Everyone's okay."
967
00:57:15,102 --> 00:57:16,737
I said, "Everyone?
968
00:57:19,173 --> 00:57:20,607
What happened?"
969
00:57:20,674 --> 00:57:22,242
"Well, that's it.
We don't know what happened
970
00:57:22,309 --> 00:57:23,810
because he won't talk to anybody.
971
00:57:23,877 --> 00:57:27,114
All we know is that he punched Sarah Jr.
in the face."
972
00:57:27,181 --> 00:57:28,482
I said, "Oh, no!"
973
00:57:29,116 --> 00:57:32,586
Sarah's one of the only parents
I'm not sure I can beat up in this school.
974
00:57:33,453 --> 00:57:35,989
Just then, Kate and Sarah pulled up
to pick up their daughter,
975
00:57:36,056 --> 00:57:38,058
and then we all had to go into the office,
976
00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:41,929
and I was really worried 'cause I didn't
want them to kick me out of the school.
977
00:57:42,930 --> 00:57:45,499
And then they brought my son in.
He was crying.
978
00:57:45,566 --> 00:57:47,267
They brought him in like a prisoner.
979
00:57:48,135 --> 00:57:49,670
He was like, "Ohh! Oh!"
980
00:57:49,736 --> 00:57:52,206
I said, "Son, stop crying, calm down.
981
00:57:52,272 --> 00:57:55,409
Do not look at these mean faces.
I need you to look at my face,
982
00:57:55,475 --> 00:57:58,679
and I need you to tell me the truth,
buddy, all right?
983
00:57:58,745 --> 00:58:00,848
Just tell me the truth. Is it true?
984
00:58:00,914 --> 00:58:03,383
Did you punch that girl Sarah Jr.
in the face?"
985
00:58:04,451 --> 00:58:06,854
I was trying to give him a signal to lie,
but he didn't pick up on it.
986
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:07,921
I was like...
987
00:58:14,261 --> 00:58:16,964
He wasn't paying attention. He's like,
"Yes, Daddy, I punched her face."
988
00:58:17,030 --> 00:58:19,633
"Oh, my God. Why? Why would you do that?
989
00:58:19,700 --> 00:58:21,935
You're not supposed to put your hands
on anybody."
990
00:58:22,803 --> 00:58:25,606
And his answer was so gangster,
it scared all the parents in the room.
991
00:58:25,672 --> 00:58:26,673
He was like...
992
00:58:28,642 --> 00:58:30,110
"'Cause she had it coming."
993
00:58:30,177 --> 00:58:31,178
I said...
994
00:58:36,416 --> 00:58:37,451
And everyone looked at me.
995
00:58:37,518 --> 00:58:39,520
I said, "I did not teach him.
I don't know where he got that from."
996
00:58:39,586 --> 00:58:43,123
I said, "What does that mean, son?
That is crazy talk! What does that mean?"
997
00:58:44,057 --> 00:58:46,026
And then he just started crying
like he was Tupac.
998
00:58:47,227 --> 00:58:51,231
"These kids keep fucking with me!"
999
00:58:59,039 --> 00:59:00,974
I told his teacher, I said,
"Well, now, wait a minute.
1000
00:59:01,041 --> 00:59:03,177
This kid is a lot of things,
but he's not a liar.
1001
00:59:03,243 --> 00:59:05,712
And if he said they was fucking with him,
they did something to him.
1002
00:59:05,779 --> 00:59:07,414
Son, what's going on?
What did they do to you?"
1003
00:59:07,481 --> 00:59:10,050
"Dad, I'm tired of this shit.
It's been going on all week."
1004
00:59:10,117 --> 00:59:11,451
I said, "What's going on all week?"
1005
00:59:11,518 --> 00:59:15,055
He said, "We was at lunch,
and that bitch bit my sandwich."
1006
00:59:15,122 --> 00:59:16,590
I said, "Oh."
1007
00:59:21,762 --> 00:59:25,732
He said, "It's the fourth time this week.
I'm tired of this sandwich-biting bitch."
1008
00:59:27,401 --> 00:59:29,570
I said, "Stop using that word.
Let's go home."
1009
00:59:33,106 --> 00:59:35,008
That's a quiet car ride home.
1010
00:59:35,943 --> 00:59:38,078
We got to the house,
he just ran right up to his room,
1011
00:59:38,145 --> 00:59:39,413
slammed the door.
1012
00:59:40,214 --> 00:59:43,383
His mother came downstairs.
By then, she'd heard about everything.
1013
00:59:43,450 --> 00:59:44,985
She was looking at me,
like, "Oh, my God."
1014
00:59:45,052 --> 00:59:46,753
I said, "I know. It's fucked up."
1015
00:59:50,424 --> 00:59:53,460
She said, "You bit that goddamn sandwich,
didn't you, Dave?"
1016
00:59:57,227 --> 00:59:59,262
I said,
"I'm tired of you accusing me of shit!"
1017
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:01,068
And I just ran out of the house.
1018
01:00:01,869 --> 01:00:05,072
Jumped in my car and drove off.
Of course I bit that sandwich.
1019
01:00:07,441 --> 01:00:10,177
But I knew that she was just
really mad about that tape,
1020
01:00:10,244 --> 01:00:13,146
so now she was gonna punish me
about a fucking sandwich that I'd bit.
1021
01:00:13,213 --> 01:00:15,148
I was mad as fuck.
You know what I said to myself?
1022
01:00:15,215 --> 01:00:17,718
I said, "I should just never go home.
Fuck this shit."
1023
01:00:17,784 --> 01:00:21,221
By the way, that's how people
used to get divorced in the '40s.
1024
01:00:22,289 --> 01:00:23,757
There wasn't no divorce court in America.
1025
01:00:23,824 --> 01:00:25,526
Back in those days,
if you wanted to get out your marriage,
1026
01:00:25,592 --> 01:00:28,195
you'd just tell your wife, "Hey, baby,
I'm gonna get a pack of cigarettes.
1027
01:00:28,262 --> 01:00:29,263
I'll be right back."
1028
01:00:30,163 --> 01:00:32,533
You would just leave
with the clothes on your back.
1029
01:00:33,667 --> 01:00:35,068
That's when men were men.
1030
01:00:36,637 --> 01:00:38,405
And there was no Internet back then,
1031
01:00:38,472 --> 01:00:41,575
so you could move 11 miles away
and have a whole new life.
1032
01:00:49,650 --> 01:00:51,318
But I ended up going back home...
1033
01:00:54,021 --> 01:00:55,355
late at night,
1034
01:00:56,123 --> 01:00:58,492
and came in the room,
and she was actually changing for bed.
1035
01:00:58,559 --> 01:01:00,093
You can always tell
your wife is mad at you
1036
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,462
when they cover their titties up
when you walk in. "Oh!"
1037
01:01:03,997 --> 01:01:05,832
"Let those titties out. It's me, baby.
1038
01:01:08,035 --> 01:01:09,937
Can we just talk about this for a minute?"
1039
01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:11,605
She said, "David,
there's nothing to talk about.
1040
01:01:11,672 --> 01:01:12,873
I already know you bit the sandwich.
1041
01:01:12,940 --> 01:01:14,741
And don't go looking for their lunch.
I hid it."
1042
01:01:17,244 --> 01:01:18,846
I said, "I don't want to talk
about the sandwich.
1043
01:01:18,912 --> 01:01:22,416
I want to talk about it. The tape.
1044
01:01:23,150 --> 01:01:24,685
I know that's why you're mad."
1045
01:01:26,119 --> 01:01:27,955
It was a very difficult conversation.
1046
01:01:28,789 --> 01:01:30,691
I had to crack a few jokes.
1047
01:01:30,757 --> 01:01:33,160
And she laughed a little,
and it helped her relax,
1048
01:01:33,227 --> 01:01:37,064
and we started talking,
and then she cracked a few jokes...
1049
01:01:37,130 --> 01:01:39,666
that hurt my feelings, honestly. But--
1050
01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:50,006
But we talked.
And you know what she told me?
1051
01:01:50,844 --> 01:01:55,249
She told me that she was madder
about the second extortion tape
1052
01:01:55,315 --> 01:01:57,150
than she was about the first one.
1053
01:01:58,151 --> 01:01:59,586
Which doesn't make sense at all.
1054
01:01:59,653 --> 01:02:02,289
What's wrong with a guy
touching his own private parts?
1055
01:02:03,223 --> 01:02:05,492
It's my own business.
It's not like I do it all the time.
1056
01:02:05,559 --> 01:02:08,562
sometimes I do it for her benefit.
1057
01:02:08,629 --> 01:02:11,899
A lot of guys do this.
It's called the mercy jerk.
1058
01:02:13,400 --> 01:02:15,169
That's the one that happens
in the middle of the night
1059
01:02:15,235 --> 01:02:17,271
when you're about to roll on top of her
and you see her face,
1060
01:02:17,337 --> 01:02:19,740
and you're like, "She looks tired."
1061
01:02:22,342 --> 01:02:23,944
That takes a lot of love and discipline
1062
01:02:24,011 --> 01:02:26,113
to back out of a room
with a rock-hard dick.
1063
01:02:30,717 --> 01:02:31,952
Sometimes I don't make it.
1064
01:02:32,019 --> 01:02:34,388
"Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
1065
01:02:35,923 --> 01:02:38,659
Someone fell asleep with their socks off,
didn't they?"
1066
01:02:42,596 --> 01:02:44,231
You can't rape feet.
1067
01:02:46,133 --> 01:02:47,868
You can't rape feet.
1068
01:02:52,139 --> 01:02:55,676
The only time I jerk off now
is if I know how long she'll be gone.
1069
01:02:55,742 --> 01:02:57,411
That's the only way I can get my head
in the game.
1070
01:02:58,445 --> 01:03:01,915
Sometimes she'll tell me, "Dave, I'm gonna
take the kids to my mom's real quick.
1071
01:03:01,982 --> 01:03:03,817
I'll probably be back
in a couple of hours."
1072
01:03:03,884 --> 01:03:05,185
"A couple hours?"
1073
01:03:11,491 --> 01:03:13,594
You can get a good one in
in two hours.
1074
01:03:14,761 --> 01:03:18,065
That's the kind of session
where you'll take all your clothes off.
1075
01:03:19,566 --> 01:03:21,301
I'll be butt-naked
in the living room like,
1076
01:03:21,368 --> 01:03:24,638
"Get these fucking toys out of my way!"
1077
01:03:27,207 --> 01:03:32,279
Disgusting. Foot on the coffee table,
just stroking it out, taking my time.
1078
01:03:34,515 --> 01:03:37,050
And I got a bowl of cereal waiting
for me right here.
1079
01:03:45,959 --> 01:03:49,429
That's when you have that privacy.
You can have a loud orgasm. I miss those.
1080
01:03:58,238 --> 01:03:59,606
You know, when a guy busts a nut,
1081
01:03:59,673 --> 01:04:02,009
right after that,
there's a window of six minutes
1082
01:04:02,075 --> 01:04:05,012
where he does the most rational thinking
he ever does.
1083
01:04:05,078 --> 01:04:06,613
That's when he's always horrified.
1084
01:04:10,951 --> 01:04:12,619
"My God, what have I done?
1085
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:16,456
Oh, my God, it's everywhere.
1086
01:04:19,626 --> 01:04:21,094
Baba!"
1087
01:04:24,131 --> 01:04:26,733
Thank you very much, Austin, Texas.
I had a wonderful time.
1088
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:30,904
Be well, be happy.
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
1089
01:04:30,971 --> 01:04:32,806
Give it up one more time
1090
01:04:32,873 --> 01:04:35,909
for Dave Chappelle!
1091
01:04:40,247 --> 01:04:43,050
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1092
01:04:43,116 --> 01:04:45,619
1093
01:04:46,420 --> 01:04:48,021
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1094
01:04:48,088 --> 01:04:50,023
1095
01:04:50,991 --> 01:04:52,326
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1096
01:04:52,392 --> 01:04:53,861
1097
01:04:53,927 --> 01:04:56,230
1098
01:04:56,964 --> 01:04:57,965
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1099
01:04:58,665 --> 01:05:00,033
1100
01:05:00,100 --> 01:05:02,269
1101
01:05:02,803 --> 01:05:03,804
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1102
01:05:04,605 --> 01:05:06,073
1103
01:05:06,139 --> 01:05:08,375
1104
01:05:09,209 --> 01:05:10,210
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1105
01:05:10,744 --> 01:05:12,145
1106
01:05:12,212 --> 01:05:14,481
1107
01:05:15,249 --> 01:05:16,250
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1108
01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:18,352
1109
01:05:18,418 --> 01:05:19,786
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1110
01:05:21,054 --> 01:05:22,055
♪ Ah-ah ♪ 
1111
01:05:23,123 --> 01:05:25,425
♪ Revolution ♪
1112
01:05:25,492 --> 01:05:28,195
1113
01:05:29,029 --> 01:05:30,464
1114
01:05:30,531 --> 01:05:32,699
1115
01:05:33,500 --> 01:05:34,501
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1116
01:05:36,637 --> 01:05:39,239
1117
01:05:39,306 --> 01:05:40,307
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1118
01:05:42,543 --> 01:05:44,745
1119
01:05:45,779 --> 01:05:47,080
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1120
01:05:48,649 --> 01:05:51,018
1121
01:05:51,852 --> 01:05:52,886
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1122
01:05:54,655 --> 01:05:57,491
1123
01:05:57,558 --> 01:05:58,625
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1124
01:06:01,328 --> 01:06:02,696
I'm rich, biatch!

Deep in The Heart of Texas - Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Limits - 2017 - English

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Deep in The Heart of Texas - Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Limits - 2017 - English

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