Living Through Your Children

Living Through Your Children

Donielle Dalor

Victor Valley College

Living Through Your Children

Living Through Your Kids

Failed dreams can leave a big emotional scar for a lot of people. Many can define their

lives by this failed goal. There are failed scholars and athletes that had a defining moment that

changed their lives. You can catch some of them saying, if X, Y, or Z had not happened, I could

be a doctor, lawyer, or singer. Many people have these moments of what could have been and

leave it at that. However, some people will not heal from this. When these people have children,

they can knowingly and unknowingly push all their hopes and dreams onto these miniature

versions of themselves. Parents can have good intentions and genuinely want the best for their

kids. They can honestly want their child to succeed, and it has nothing to do with their ego.

Sometimes parents can demand perfection in whatever activity they are forcing onto their child

because of their ego. When their child completes their dream, they are able to bask in the glory

of their child's accomplishments. This helps the parent heal from the pain of not accomplishing

their goals. Watching their child fulfill a failed personal dream helps the adult heal. Someone

living through their children and pushing for perfection can create mental issues for the childlike

depression, anxiety, self-identity issues, and self-image issues.

Parents' need for their children to succeed can have a negative impact on the child. The

parents' need or demand for perfection can create unrealistic goals for their children. Forcing

unfulfilled dreams onto children could possibly give them depression. Depression in a child

presents as feeling worthless, hopeless, and losing interest in what they usually get entertainment

from. The children can start to form depression under pressure to perform at their parents'

demands. You can see this in sports where an ex-football or basketball player will demand

perfection from their athletic child. In an article from Everydayhealth.com, Psychotherapist Dr.
Living Through Your Children

Walfish spoke about a man who controlled every aspect of his son's athletic future, from what

the boy ate to when the boy practiced. It did not take long for the boy to fall into depression

because of all the pressure. The father had gotten hurt in a car crash so, his athletic dreams were

cut short. He wanted his son to be what he could not be. This is not a bad thing, but he went

about it in the wrong way. He killed the fun of the game for his son. The best way he could have

gone about his son playing sports was to ask how he felt during the journey. The father should

have listened to the sons' concerns instead of focusing on the outcome and his feelings. If he had,

his son might not have fallen into depression. A parent living through their child can give other

mental health issues as well.

A mental health issue like anxiety is something that can happen to children in very high-

pressure homes. Anxiety may bring panic attacks, headaches, irritability, and more. When a

parent decides early on what their child will be when they are older, it has already not started the

best. Sometimes these dreams for little Jimmy are the parents. Jimmy is going to be a doctor and

go to the very best schools because that is what his mother or father was going to do. Their

grades must be perfect in order to get into the ideal school. If not, they can face different levels

of discipline. So, when Jimmy sees a "C" on his report card, he has a meltdown. In the 1980's

movie, The Breakfast Club, the character Brian Johnson ended up in detention because a flare

gun went off in his locker. He was very upset about his bad grade on a shop class project

because it was supposed to be an easy class. It was supposed to be an easy A, and when he did

not get that A, he tried to kill himself. The anxiety he felt to get perfect grades drove him to try

to kill himself. When he got dropped off at the movie's beginning, his mother pressured him to

study even after he said he was not allowed to. Even though this is a fictional situation, many

students might feel tremendous pressure from a parent to succeed. Because of the pressure, the
Living Through Your Children

child can begin to act out and not like themselves as a way to rebel against what the parents

want. Alternatively, it could lead to other mental health issues.

As a child is growing up, it is essential for a developing child to form a sense of self. The

child needs to be able to explore things to find out what they like or dislike. There is a need for a

child to have autonomy as they grow. They have a need to find who they are outside of who

their parents want them to be. However, suppose their parent begins to force their dreams onto

the child and not allow them to do anything but what the parent wanted. In that case, the child

will learn to like everything the parent likes without ever exploring anything else, whether it is

because they genuinely want to or because they are afraid of what their parents will say if they

do not. When this child gets older, they can have a very bad sense of self and fall into one of

Jose Marcia's identity statuses called Identity Foreclosure. Identity Foreclosure is when someone

has made a commitment to an identity without having explored the options (Lifespan

Development, 234). Most of the time, this is because a child is not given a choice; they form the

opinions and beliefs of their parents. The best way for a parent to help with self-identity is to let

the child discover the things that they like. Having a good sense of self is essential for

development and self-esteem. Wanting your child to enjoy what you like is not the problem. It is

when the stress of their expectations to be like you can hurt the child in time. A good self-

identity also has to do with having a good self-image.

A parent's need to relive their past through their child can also extend to what their child

looks like. A parent can become very critical of what their child eats in order to control the

weight of their child. They can control what the child wears as a way to make sure they look in

whatever way the parent feels is presentable. Furthermore, they can voice negative opinions

about what their child looks like and help the child create a negative self-image. Having a
Living Through Your Children

negative self-image can lead to illnesses like anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Anorexia nervosa is

defined as a serious disorder in eating behavior that is characterized especially by a pathological

fear of weight gain leading to faulty eating patterns, malnutrition, and usually excessive weight

loss, and that occurs most commonly in young women in their teens and early twenties

(Merriam- Webster). Bulimia is defined as a serious eating disorder that occurs chiefly in

females, is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting or

laxative or diuretic abuse, and is often accompanied by guilt and depression (Merriam Webster).

These two are common amongst young women. Parents can push the perfect body idea onto

their children, and it can create anxiety about weight gain. Because the parent sees the child as

an extension of them, having an overweight child might not fit into their perfect image of what

they want their family to look like. Children need to develop a positive self-image because it will

help them against things like peer pressure and bullying in school. A positive self-image will

help them succeed and believe in themselves as they set goals in life.

Everyone wants what is best for their children. However, there is a thin line between a

parent living through and genuinely encouraging their children. Once the pregnancy is

announced, the child's life is being discussed, and they can begin to include their personal

dreams into the discussion of what is best. They can start to see the child as an extension of

themselves. They see it as a second chance to see their goals accomplished. Having a failed

dream can push over them line. They need to see their vision accomplished can put a strain on

their child.

Moreover, the parent can be so focused that they do not know the harm they are doing to

their child. Not only can it cause mental health issues for the child, but it can also put a strain on

the relationship between parent and child. The parents now are not a source of love and
Living Through Your Children

compassion but stress, anger, and contempt. Being an encouraging parent means encouraging the

child to find who they are outside of you and encouraging their dreams even if they do not align

with the goals we have for them. By doing this, the parent can help nurture the child through a

healthy upbringing.
Living Through Your Children

WORK CITED

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Anorexia. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December

1, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/anorexia

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Bulimia. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December 1,

2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bulimia

Lally, M., & Valentine-French, S. (2019). Chapter 6. In Lifespan development: A psychological

perspective (pp. 234–234). essay, College of Lake County.

Editors, Everyday Health, et al. "Some Parents Live out Dreams through Their Children."
EverydayHealth.com, https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/some-parents-live-out-
dreams-through-their-children-8685.aspx.

A&M Films. (1985). Breakfast Club [DVD].