Co-Parenting with

Someone with Borderline

Personality Disorder
by FatherResource Team

When co-parenting with someone with

borderline personality disorder, it is
essential to put your child’s needs first.
Educating your child about the condition
can help them make sense of the
situation and develop an understanding
of what it means for a child’s needs to
come first and avoid the child feeling
emotionally responsible.

The people around the person with BPD

are also negatively affected, and it can
be particularly tough on children. If you
are co-parenting with someone
suffering from the disorder, how can you
counteract the impact it might have on
your child? 

Being raised by a parent with BPD can

have detrimental effects on a child’s
development, mental wellbeing, and
happiness. Therefore, if you are raising a
child with someone who has borderline
personality disorder, it is crucial to
educate yourself about it as much as
possible. It will help you and your child
develop strategies for dealing with a
borderline parent.

Related Reading: What’s It

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Parenting With A Narcissist
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How Do We Co-Parent with

Someone Who Has BPD?
When co-parenting with someone with
borderline personality disorder, it is
imperative that we put our child’s needs
first. It is vital to protect our children
from the effects of the illness as far as
possible. As it is unlikely that our child
will have stability while spending time
with the diagnosed parent, it would be
good for us to try and create as much
stability as possible.

It is also essential to educate our

children about the disorder as much as
we can. It can help greatly in preventing
the child from developing the condition
themselves. It may also help counteract
any adverse effects the behavior of the
borderline parent may have on the
child’s development.

We can explain to them what the

disorder is and its symptoms and
provide them with strategies to handle
situations during which the symptoms
flare-up. It would also be good for us not
to paint the other parent in a bad light
and to explain that the parent loves
them but is suffering from a disorder.

If possible, it would be good if we could

try to convince the parent with BPD to
get help. If we can manage to convince
them to get help and healing, it will
significantly reduce the risk of the child
developing mental health disorders and
can help the child to develop a healthy
relationship with the parent.

   -3:33
  
Co-Parenting with Someone with Borderline P…

What Is Borderline Personality

Disorder (BPD)?
The disorder is defined as follows by the
National Institute of Mental Health:
“borderline personality disorder is a
mental health illness that severely
impacts a person’s ability to regulate
their emotions. This loss of emotional
control can increase impulsivity, affect
how people feel about themselves, and
negatively impact their relationships
with others.”

Some signs that someone may have the

disorder are as follows:

They fear being abandoned and

will go to extreme lengths to
prevent it.
Their relationships are unstable.
They may place a loved one on a
pedestal for one moment and
then suddenly view the person as
being evil.
Their self-image and self-identity
change constantly. For instance,
they may view themselves as
being a terrible person at one
point and then non-existent a few
minutes later.
They can lose touch with reality
and go through periods of
paranoia brought on by stress.
They may be impulsive and
engage in unsafe driving, binge
eating, abusing drugs, gambling,
unprotected sex, quitting their
job suddenly with no other job
lined up, and spending all their
money on one shopping trip.
They may hurt themselves or
threaten to do so, which can also
include suicidal attempts.
They can have varied mood
swings, which can last from a
couple of hours to days at a time.
They can either be intensely
happy, irritated, anxious or feel
shame during these times.
They may experience constant
feelings of emptiness.
They can have unfair outbursts of
severe anger usually directed at
those closest to them.

If a parent with BPD does not seek

treatment, it can negatively affect their
child. The following section will look at
the consequences of having a parent
with an untreated borderline personality
disorder for a child.

The Consequences That

Untreated BPD Can Have for a
Child
Children of a parent with untreated
borderline personality disorder have an
increased risk of developing the
condition themselves. The disorder can
be passed down either genetically or
developed due to environmental factors
such as neglect, abuse, invalidation, and
trauma. It can also be caused by a
combination of both genetics and
environmental factors.

The child is also at risk of developing

other mental health disorders such as
substance use disorders, antisocial
personality disorder, major depressive
disorder, and alexithymia. Growing up
with a parent who has BPD can impact
the child for the rest of their life.

Parents with borderline personality

disorder may also try to prevent the
child from developing their own ideas or
individuality. If a child’s opinion or
feelings on a matter are different from
that of the borderline parent, they are
often shamed. The child is also
constantly in fear of getting into trouble,
which can even potentially result in the
development of post-traumatic stress
disorder.

Due to their fear of abandonment, a

parent with borderline personality
disorder often relies on the child to meet
their emotional needs and does not
provide for the child’s own. It essentially
results in the child taking on the role of
the “parent” and the parent taking on
the role of the “child.” The older the
child gets, the more reliant the parent
may become on them.

Related Reading: Co
Parenting with an Alcoholic
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Dangers Of a Child Feeling

Emotionally Responsible
When a parent relies on their child to
take care of their emotional needs, they
often neglect the child’s own emotional
needs. It tells the child that their parent’s
needs and wants are more important
than their own. As a result, the child
never gets the chance to develop their
own personality and identity and may
struggle to find their place in the world
as adults.

It can also cause the child to:

have low self-esteem

be anxious
develop an intense need to
please others even to their own
detriment
be indecisive
blame themselves for situations
that may not even be their fault

You will often find that such a child (and

even once grown-up) will constantly
apologize for things that happen
irrespective of whether they are to
blame.

When a child grows up and gets to the

point where they would like to start
having a little more independence, the
parent’s fear of abandonment kicks in
and they will try to stop the child from
spending time without them. They often
do it by making their child feel guilty for
leaving the parent on their own to spend
time with their friends. 

As a result, the child starts to feel

emotionally responsible for the parent
and may cancel plans they have with
friends. They may eventually even stop
making plans altogether. Once the child
reaches adulthood, they may also end
up delaying or never even getting to the
point of moving out and starting their
own lives because they do not want to
disappoint the borderline parent.

Continue Reading: Co-

Parenting With Someone
Who Hurt You [HELPFUL
TIPS]

Conclusion
Being raised by a parent with untreated
borderline personality disorder can have
dire consequences for a child’s
development and mental wellbeing. It
increases the likelihood of your child
developing the condition and other
mental health disorders, such as
alexithymia (problems with feeling
emotions), which can impact them
negatively for the rest of their lives.

If we are co-parenting with someone

who has borderline personality disorder,
we must educate ourselves and our
children about it. It will help us reduce
the possible consequences the disease
can have on their development. It would
also be good to try to convince the
parent to seek help for the disorder.  

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