Emotional Hunger Vs Love

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” - Look how
beautifully John Green has described love in the fault in our stars. Yes, Love is one of the most
profound emotions known to human beings where an individual develops strong feelings of
affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for another person. But the question is, Are you
really in love or are you just emotionally hungry? Emotional hunger is caused by deprivation in
childhood. What is this deprivation? It is the childhood emotional neglect where parents or
primary caregivers of the child fail to meet or respond to the emotional needs of the child
depending on the parenting style they adapt to. Childhood emotional neglect can be intentional
and unintentional on the part of the parent, but either way tends to have a significant impact on
how the child will grow into adulthood and process their emotions. Parents who emotionally
neglect their children may still provide care and necessities. They just miss out on or mishandle
this one key area of support. ex?
These emotionally neglected children grow up into adults who must deal with the consequences
and because their emotional needs weren’t validated as children, they may not know how to deal
with their emotions when they occur.
Adults who experienced childhood emotional neglect may also become parents who neglect their
children emotionally. Never having learned the importance of their own emotions, they may not
know how to nurture emotions in their children.

So we learned about emotional hunger, but how do you know if you are confusing emotional
hunger with love, here are some signs that we can look into:
- Over-giving yourself: "Over-giving to others not only means being available and helpful
at all times at the risk of your own needs but also seeking love from almost anywhere
and shaping yourself in a way to ensure that the relationship lasts.
- Constantly seeking approval: constantly trying to determine what other people think, feel,
like about you, or want from you and adjusting yourself to their perception of you
- Dependence on social status: Individuals who are emotionally hungry generally have low
self esteem and look into seeking validation and support from their social groups, they
think that by having increasing number of connections, they can possibly replace the
loneliness they feel inside them.
- Inability to build or maintain boundaries: Not being able to provide space to yourself and
also your partner can also cause harm to that relationship or worse - lead to
codependency. Therefore, it is important to set boundaries in any relationship and respect
each other’s personal space and time.
- Indulging in casual sex or substance abuse to meet your emotional needs: Exposing
oneself to numbing sensations or thrilling experiences as a way to cope with the
emptiness or loneliness one feels inside them is often seen among individuals. Constantly
jumping from from one relationship to another or seeking casual sex inorder to accquire
 that never-ending attention and seeking validation by considering themselves as valuable
in anothers life is a common theme.
- Denial when relationships end: Being single or alone is extremely daunting to individuals
who undergo emotional hunger and may constantly deny that they are no longer with
their significant other.

These are some of the signs that you or someone you know is seeking things or other individuals
as a means to fill their emotional void.

Parenting Styles and Attachment Styles

Have you ever wondered how Humans being form relationships and attachment ? Humans are
social beings and need to be with others and form relationships but our relationship behaviors do
not "come naturally" and they need to be learned similar to other social skills" . Many
psychologists argue that the kind of relationships infants have with their primary caregivers is the
blueprint for the later life relationships. Behaviors in adult relationships are influenced by the
kinds of relationships and attachments they have experienced in their early years with their
primary caregivers.
The way in which a parent raises his child is considered a parenting style . styles reflect the two
dimensions of parenting which are responsiveness (the degree to which parents are supportive
and sensitive to the child’s needs) and demandingness (the degree to which parents are
demanding and control their children)
Studies showed that a low level of parental warmth, inconsistent caretaking, rejection and
punitive parental beliefs are associated with the insecure attachment of a child whereas warmth,
sensitivity, acceptance and the emotional accessibility of parents are associated with the secure
attachment of a child.

Now lets discuss each parenting styles and how it influences the type of attachment formed?

Authoritarian parents are strict and have high expectations from their children, have set rules and
expect obedience without questioning and without really explaining their reasoning to their
children.They will grow up with low self-esteem, might be depressed, anxious and frustrated and
they lag behind in social skills and social adaptability .studies prove that avoidance and anxiety
attachment were associated with lower levels of responsive caregiving, which in turn were
associated with reduced authoritative parenting and increased authoritarian

the authoritative style is characterized by high demandingness and high responsiveness contrary
to previous parenting style. Parents set rules and expectations but are open to discussion and
negotiation as the parents are willing to listen to their children and guide them when questions
arise . A child who grows up in a family where the parents utilize this style are more likely to
grow up independent, have self-control, have more developed social skills, able to communicate
and make friendships, have healthy relationships and emotional attachments .studies indicate that
there is a significant correlation between secure adult attachment and authoritative parenting
style.

Neglect or failure to involve parents, indifference or brutal discipline leave their mark in the
emotional circuit and lead to adopting secondary attachment strategies, anxoius or avoidant
attachment. responsive caregiving for others in distress might be particularly difficult for those
who are uncomfortable with emotional expression or who have difficulty regulating their own
emotions. These difficulties are associated with attachment insecurity, which explains why both,
avoidance and anxiety, are associated with lower levels of responsive caregiving.

Permissive parents are not demanding, they hardly ever punish their children and do not have a
lot of control of their children as they usually let them do whatever they want. They seem to
want to be more like their children's friends instead of their parents. Children growing up in a
permissive family will be more likely to have higher self esteem, but they will have poor
emotional regulation, are immature and irresponsible , this parenting style creates fearful
attachment

Setting Boundaries
What exactly do we mean by boundaries? It’s the dilemma of the yes and the no question in our
daily relationships that confuse us quite often. “Boundaries are limits people set in order to create
a healthy sense of personal space. Boundaries can be physical or emotional in nature, and they
help distinguish the desires, needs and preferences of one person from another.” It is where and
when one thing ends and begins. Further more if we are to explore, “Personal boundaries are the
limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. An individual who has a high alert on
his own boundaries will know when it is appropriate to say “no” and when to say “yes”. The
other question we should be asking is, are boundaries necessary and why so? Yes! Healthy
boundaries with others and ourselves are essential and very important for self-care. Poor or
unhealthy boundaries in our daily relationships and lifestyle will probably lead to anger issues,
hurt, resentment and sometimes burnout (complete emotional and psychological exhaustion).
Setting boundaries will help us take care of our personal lives and also helps us take a stand on
personal choice and not feel bad for it.
As with any other relationship, the first boundary that we set is with ourselves. This puts us in
the locus of control. We deny ourselves certain choices when we know it is going to be futile.
It’s easy to look at our partner as the one who carries all the problems. However, instead of
focusing on who created the problem, a more balanced idea would be to focus on initiating
solving the problem. Sometimes, unconsciously a spouse can be contributing to the problem as
well.
When we neglect setting boundaries with ourselves and focus instead on setting boundaries with
those we think sorely need limits. When we take accountability and set limits on ourself, we
create an environment in which our spouse can become free to choose and grow. Setting
Boundaries allow us to take control of our choices. We can choose to tell the truth about our
faults. We can choose to bring those faults into the light of relationship. We can choose to repent
of them and to work them out and mature them.
Even when a spouse resists a boundary in the marriage it is only important to be able to explain
with love and try to see the bigger picture on why boundaries are important.

SECRET TO LIVING LONG

So many of you may have heard of the book “IKIGAI: The Japanese Secret To a Long and Happy Life”
by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles, which is more of a case study on the lives of the long-living
residents from Ogimi, a small village in Okinawa, Japan.

1.Stay active; don’t retire. This is about finding value is our lives outside of when our professional lives
end. It is about the activities we choose that allow us to bring purpose into our lives.

2. Take it slow. We feel more grounded when we have the sense of urgency under control.

3. Don’t fill your stomach. “Less is more when it comes to eating for long life, too. According to the 80
percent rule, in order to stay healthier longer, we should eat a little less than our hunger demands instead
of stuffing ourselves.”
( talks a little about importance of balanced diet & mentions research study:- In another 2020
studyTrusted Source, researchers found that every 66-gram increased in daily fruit and vegetable intake
was associated with a 25 percent lower risk of developing type 2 diabetes.)

4.Surround yourself with good friends. Ikigai is found in interpersonal relationships; when we devote
time to our friendships, it brings value to our lives.

5.Get in shape for your next birthday. “Water moves; it is at its best when it flows fresh and doesn’t
stagnate. The body you move through in life needs a bit of daily maintenance to keep it running for a long
time.”

6. Smile. When we smile we remind ourselves of our blessings.

7.Give thanks. Spending time each day to be grateful allows us recognize the good things that surround
us.
( First will talk a little from the book ikigai how smiling and giving thanks can actually help in living a
long life and then talk about a research done by Boston university school of medicine which talks about
how optimism and prolonged life is actually linked.)
 8. Reconnect with nature. Being in nature brings us peace; it helps us to feel settled and feeds our soul.

9.Live in the moment. When we are mindful of the here and now, we tend to be less anxious about the
future as well as less focused on what happened yesterday.

10.Follow your Ikigai. The small things we seek, as well as our big picture goals will help us to follow
our reason for being.

Conclusion
So as we have discussed all the secrets of living long, we can come to the conclusion that the secret to
living long mainly lies in our own hands. It mainly depends on our lifestyle choices which includes our
physical and emotional health. We can conclude that the secret to living long lies in achieving a harmony
between our physical, mental, social and psychological well- being.

LUST, ATTRACTION vs ATTACHMENT

So, today we will be discussing three very interesting topics. These are lust and attraction versus
attachment.

Ø Lust

The Merriam Webster’s dictionary describes lust as

Usually intense or unbridled sexual desire An intense longing or craving.

Lust is that wild with desire stage. It is dominated by the sex hormones testosterone and
estrogen. Testosterone pumps in both men and women pushing sex drive, attraction and mating
tendencies. Both men and women highlight their levels of testosterone and estrogen to show off
their fertility and attract a mate. Here is a video on some of the differences between men and
women’s lust signs

Ø Attraction

During the attraction phase couples are heady in love and are overcome with their feelings.
Typically, people can’t think of anything else—forgetting to eat and sleep. There are important
neuro-transmitters that come into play during this stage.
Dopamine – Is released in our rewards centre of the brain and makes us feel like we are winning
a prize when we are with our beloved.

Norepinephrine – This is also called adrenalin and it causes us to literally feel our love by getting
our heart pumping, making us blush and sweat around our new beau.

· Physical attraction:

Also called sensual attraction, this is a desire to be around others, to be physically cared for and
treated with love and affection. It can occur with romantic relationships, but it doesn't have to.

● Romantic attraction:

It is entirely separate from sexual attraction though you may feel them for the same person. This
type of attraction is where you want to be in a relationship with the person. You may want to be
with them without necessarily wanting the sexual aspect of the relationship. This isn't the same
as friendship, however, and the feelings will be stronger than the attraction you would feel
toward a friend in this type of attraction, you want to be romantically involved with the
individual, but sex is not required.

● Sexual attraction:

It is a desire toward sexual touching and activity with another person. The level of strength of
those feelings and their occurrence, however, could vary from person to person. It can also grow
or fade over time and change in different circumstances.

● Emotional attraction:

To feel an emotional attraction is to want to be emotionally present with another person. When
you want to share with them the things that you are feeling you feel an emotional attraction. You
may have this with friends, family or romantic partners - or you may have some level of it with
all three.

● Aesthetic attraction:

This type of attraction is what happens when you see someone walking down the street and think
that they look good.

● Intellectual attraction:

Intellectual attraction refers to the desire to interact with people on a more cerebral level. You
may want to spend time with them because of the topics that you discuss, or because someone
makes you think about things in new and challenging ways. Some people find that they need to
feel intellectually attracted to someone in order to feel emotionally attracted or even romantically
 attracted to them, but that isn’t the case for everybody. Different people in different relationships
can fill different roles and needs in our lives.

· Types of asexuality:

Asexual do not feel sexually attracted to anyone. Although there are certain types, some asexual
may be repulsed by sexual attractions, so they do not want any sexual activity. Some might be
neutral while another group may actually have sexual attractions but are not open about having
sex. Most asexual humans can tell if someone is “attractive,” but they normally don't get
attracted to anyone. In other words, they hardly have crushes, and they are bored with movie sex
scenes.

Ø Attachment

After the wild feelings of lust, and then the excitement of attraction, then comes attachment. The
attachment phase helps couples grow bonds and feel connected to each other. It is where people
decide to depend on their partner. Two hormones come into play here:

Oxytocin – This is also called the ‘cuddle hormone’ because it is released when we are touched,
make eye contact and feel connected to someone.

Vasopressin – This little chemical comes into play to help us feel long-term connection with
someone and preceded commitment.

Types of attachment:

● Secure attachment

Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel safe,
stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. While they don’t fear being on their own,
they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.
Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you don’t experience relationship
problems. But you likely feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes and
failings, and are willing to seek help and support when you need it.

● Ambivalent (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment

People with an ambivalent attachment style (also referred to as “anxious-preoccupied,”

“ambivalent-anxious,” or simply “anxious attachment”) tend to be overly needy.
People with this attachment style are often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. They
crave emotional intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them. May be embarrassed
about being too clingy or your constant need for love and attention. Or you may feel worn down
by fear and anxiety about whether your partner really loves you.

● Avoidant-dismissive attachment

Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are
ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness
they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have
others rely on them.

As someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, you tend to find it difficult to tolerate
emotional intimacy. You value your independence and freedom to the point where you can feel
uncomfortable with, even stifled by, intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship.

● Disorganized attachment

Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, stems from

intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of
insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.

People with disorganized attachment are likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so
both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe. If you experienced
abuse as a child, you may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of behaviour as an adult.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LUST, ATTRACTION AND ATTACHMENT

Attachment is the bond that keeps us together long enough for us to have and raise children.
While lust and attraction are pretty much exclusive to early love, attachment is the main factor in
long-term relationships, mediating friendships, parent-infant bonding, social bonds, and many
other close relationships.

References:

https://counselwise.ca/ten-rules-of-ikigai/
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/08/190826150700.htm

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/healthy-lifestyle-5-keys-to-a-longer-life-2018070514186

https://www.healthline.com/health/fitness-nutrition/healthy-lifestyle-benefits#how-to-start

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/3-stages-of-love/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm

Handling Conflict in Relationships

It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.

Conflict in relationships can be viewed via both a positive as well as a negative lens. And couple
conflict is one of the most common factors that leads to emotional, physical as well as
psychological problems in adults and children alike. Conflicts in relationships can arise due to
several reasons, ranging from having contrasting views, attitudes and opinions on a plethora of
topics.

Since, the presence of conflict in relationships has the capacity to often bring about negative
feelings, emotions and behaviours, couples need to find ways and methods to manage and
resolve conflicts.

Whenever any kind of conflict arises in a relationship it is important to understand that:

· Just because there have been opposing views, opinions and attitudes doesn’t mean that
the relationship will not work out or that it is unusual to have fights in a relationship.

· One should also become aware that conflicts in relationships is extremely normal and
healthy and dealing with them effectively can lead to strong and lasting relationships.
 · It is also important for couples to have a mutual agreement of breaks during emotional
flooding, especially when they feel as though things are getting out of hand and they might
hurt their significant other.

· Agreeing to take a break when things start to escalate by both the parties. Even during
the break, it is necessary to stop ruminating about the conflict but to give yourself the time
and space and bring yourself to the present moment. Being in the present and experiencing
the surroundings so as to calm oneself down. Therefore, we can say it’s not just about the
break but how and what one does during that break that will eventually determine whether
you go back to your partner with the intention to resolve the conflict or whether you go back
feeling even more emotionally worse off leading to an elevation in conflict.

· Lastly, agreeing to come back when both are ready to resolve the conflict is of utmost
importance. In order for this to happen both the individuals need to be in a common
emotional space and resolve the conflict in a calm and peaceful manner.

Repair through active listening

Another way in which conflicts can be resolved include; being present in the moment and truly
listen to what your partner is saying. You shouldn’t listen to respond instead you should listen to
understand their experience. As a listener one should also be able to provide a safe space for your
partner and be completely non-judgmental. In some cases, a small compromise can also go a
long way. In case the goals are poles apart the couple should work on finding common ground,
finding things that overlap and then they can start working on their conflict from there.

Conflict is natural and a normal part of all kinds of relationships. Just because conflict arises
doesn’t mean there’s something wrong in the relationship. Problems in relationships are
inevitable but they definitely could be worked upon. Dr. Gottman’s research is more focused on
managing conflicts between a couple rather than eliminating problems all together.
The use of game theory to manage conflict and improve cooperation between people when it
comes to unsolvable problems.

· This can be started by stating the conflict directly, clearly and fully without
trying to use any other tactics of persuasion.

· Both the partners must be calm and actively listen to the other. The speaker
must make use of ‘I’ statements and put forth their needs and points of view in
a respectful, positive and calm manner.

· In case one senses that things are going down south it is very important for
both the partners to take time out and engage themselves in things that
actually calm them down or make them feel relaxed.

Attachment injuries refer to past emotional injuries that an individual might have experienced
that has not yet been resolved and thus has the potential to act as a trigger at any given point.
These emotional injuries may have occurred in the present relationship or in a past relationship.

There are 5 steps involved in discussing about emotional injuries

i. A couple should always focus on describing how they feel

ii. They need to express their individual personal realities

iii. Exploring any underlying triggers

iv. Take responsibility and apologize

v. Form productive plans for healing

In a research study conducted recently on conflict resolution in romantic couples it was found
that mediation as a conflict resolution tool is effective in solving conflict as well as cost efficient.
Results of this study indicate that the use of mediation in resolving conflicts improves the quality
of discussion between couples as well as acts as an appealing and an emotionally rewarding
conflict resolution process for the ones involved regardless of the outcome. Couples also
reported having more satisfaction with the content and process of discussion leading to
development of positive feelings rather than negative. Therefore, depending on the comfort level
of couples they can have a third person act as a moderator if they feel like it will be helpful to
them.

The couples who are able to navigate through all the problems in the relationship learn over time
of course to accept their partner’s personality, appreciate each other and also respect the
differences in their views and perceptions on various topics.

References

The Holistic Psychologist. (2020, August 23). Relationship Conflict: How to Deal [Video].
YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4sAcbsA7QQ
Whitton, S., James-Kangal, N., Rhoades, G., & Markman, H. (2018). Understanding Couple
Conflict. In A. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge Handbook of Personal
Relationships (Cambridge Handbooks in Psychology, pp. 297-310). Cambridge:
Cambridge University Press. doi:10.1017/9781316417867.024
Feuerman, M. (2021, February 10). Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The
Blueprints for Success. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-
vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/
Bogacz, F., Pun, T., & Klimecki, O. M. (2020). Improved conflict resolution in romantic couples
in mediation compared to negotiation. Humanities and Social Sciences Communications,
7(1). https://doi.org/10.1057/s41599-020-00622-8
 CODEPENDENCY
What Is Codependency?

Codependency refers to a mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual reliance on a partner, friend, or
family member. Today, codependency covers a much broader spectrum.

WHAT DOES CODEPENDENCY LOOK LIKE?

Codependency describes one person’s behaviors and attitudes rather than the relationship as a whole.
Someone who is codependent often builds their identity around helping others. They may “depend” on
others to validate their self-worth. A codependent person may deny their own desires or emotions to get
this approval.

Common symptoms of codependency include:

● Low Self-Esteem: Codependency may cause feelings of shame and worthlessness. A person
may believe they do not deserve happiness. If a person does not value themselves, they may
try to get others to value them. The sense of “being needed” can prompt internal gratification,
even if the recipient of care does not show gratitude.

● Poor Boundaries: Codependent people often feel responsible for others’ happiness. They
can have a hard time saying “no” or putting their own needs first. They may hide their true
thoughts and feelings to avoid upsetting others.

● A Need to “Save” Others: Codependent people may feel it is their duty to protect their loved
ones from all harm. If a loved one does something wrong, they will likely try to fix the
situation on loved one’s behalf. Such behavior can prevent others from becoming
independent or learning from their mistakes. It may also enable abuse or addiction to persist
unchallenged.

● Self-Denial: A codependent person often prioritizes others’ well-being over their own. They
may deny their own needs for rest, emotional support, and self-care. They may feel guilt or
anxiety when asserting their own desires. Codependent people can feel uneasy when others
offer support.

● Perfectionism: Codependent people often project an image of self-reliance and competence.

It is common for people to take on more responsibilities than they can handle. When they
make an error or receive criticism, they may grow insecure.

● Control Issues: A codependent person may link their own self-worth to others’ well-being. If
a loved one fails, a codependent person may feel as if they failed themselves. Their attempts
to make others’ lives better may shift into controlling or possessive behavior.
Not every codependent person will show all these symptoms. But if a person shows many of these
traits, they may be codependent.
How to Stop Being Codependent

1. Look for signs of a healthy relationship. In order to break out of codependent patterns, you need to
first understand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. Signs of a healthy relationship include
making time for each other, maintaining independence, being honest and open, showing affection, and
having equality.

2. Having healthy boundaries. People with good relationships are supportive of each other, but they also
respect each other's boundaries. A boundary is a limit that establishes what you are willing and unwilling
to accept in a relationship. Spend some time thinking about what is acceptable to you. Work on listening
to the other person, but don't allow their problems to consume your life. Practice finding ways to decline
requests that step over your boundaries. Set limits, then work on enforcing them.

3. Group Therapy

There are several different group interventions that may be effective for codependency. The group
dynamic gives individuals an opportunity to form healthier relationships in an appropriate space. Group
therapy often involves giving positive feedback and holding individuals accountable.
Group therapy methods may vary. Some involve cognitive behavioral therapy, where members learn
specific skill-building strategies.

Other codependency groups follow the 12-step model. Similar to the way other 12-step groups are run,
individuals learn about their relationship addiction. Goals may include increasing self-awareness, self-
esteem, and the expression of feelings.

Getting Help

Codependency often requires professional treatment, however. It can be treated with therapy. Research
shows that several different types of therapy can be effective in improving the quality of one’s life and
learning how to stop being codependent.

Family Therapy

Family therapy targets the dysfunctional family dynamics. Family members learn how to recognize their
dysfunctional patterns so they can learn how to improve their relationships. Improved communication is
often a key goal of family therapy. Issues that have never before been discussed in the family may be
raised in therapy. Sometimes, one individual creates a change (such as getting sober or encouraging
someone to be more independent) and it can change the entire family dynamic.

Cognitive Therapy

Cognitive therapy can target the thoughts that contribute to unhealthy relationship patterns. For example,
an individual who thinks, “I can’t stand being alone,” is likely to go to great lengths to maintain the
relationship, even when it’s not healthy to do so. Therapy sessions might focus on learning how to
tolerate uncomfortable emotions and changing irrational thoughts.

The goal is likely to create positive behavior changes and allow the other individual to accept more
personal responsibility for their own actions.

Treatment may delve into a person’s childhood, since most codependent individuals are patterning their
relationships after ones they grew up seeing. Therapy may assist someone in getting in touch with their
emotions and helping them experience a wide range of feelings again.