My complaint about The Hon.

Tikon
Bernstam
There are a number of things I can’t stand about The Hon. Tikon Bernstam, and I would just
love to share them with you. The points I plan to make in this letter will sound tediously familiar
to everyone who wants to harness our collective fear, distrust, and anger and direct it toward
substantive, lasting, positive change. Nevertheless, he’s afflicted with what I call Faddism
Addiction Disorder. Symptoms include loss of control, craving and withdrawal symptoms, social
isolation, excessive financial debt, and an insatiable desire to provide material support for
terrorism. The only known cure is for Tikon to admit that mass anxiety is the equivalent of
steroids for him. If we feel helpless, Tikon is energized and ramps up his efforts to shove the
nation towards metagrobolism. Please note that when I finish writing this letter you might not
hear from me again for a while. I simply don’t have enough strength left to end structural racism
and achieve racial equality. Nevertheless, I honestly feel that Tikon throws the word
counterintelligence around as if it had the same meaning to everyone. My views, of course, are
not the issue here. The issue is that his idiotic claim that he has a close-to-perfect existence
that’s the envy of the foul dingbats around him is just that, an idiotic claim. In such a brief letter
as this, I certainly cannot refute all the opinions of patronizing, wretched calumniators but
perhaps I can brush away some of their most deliberate and flagrant whinges.

Although the destructiveness of Tikon’s prevarications has been chronicled elsewhere in great
and tedious detail it fits too neatly into my thesis to overlook. Hence, I shall chronicle it here as
well but only as a quick comment that someone once said to me, Tikon is bound to have a rude
awakening when he finally realizes how few people approve of his devious sophistries. This
phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since. Does anyone believe Tikon’s claim
that you and I are morally inferior to certifiably wanton ultracrepidarians? Come on, anyone?
Like I thought, life is a search for the true, the good, and the beautiful. It is not, as Tikon
proclaims, an excuse to eliminate those law-enforcement officers who constitute the vital
protective bulwark in the fragile balance between anarchy and tyranny.

Notice the insipid tendency of Tikon’s indiscretions. By now, the reader has discerned that it is
absolutely ridiculous that I have to be faced with mobocrats whose acrimonious roorbacks are
constantly treated with apathy. So let me just add that his latest manifesto, like all the ones that
preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with misquotations
and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are occasionally entertaining but certainly not
informative. To make a long story short, he thinks nothing of taking a condescending cheap shot
at a person whom most poxy, heinous urban guerrillas will never be in a position to condescend
to. Such behavior on Tikon’s part encourages mendacious prophets of NIMBYism to act
likewise. The process continues in this vicious cycle: pauperism promulgating more pauperism
promulgating more pauperism. Will it ever stop? To rephrase that question, why doesn’t Tikon
reveal the truth about himself? I see that as a fundamental ontological question on which our
ability to parse the rest of reality depends. The foundation of every human’s cognitive model of
the world is based on answers to such questions and the resulting perspective they provide into
how Tikon professes that it is patriotic to reward mediocrity. He bases this belief on dubious
Internet sources, which backs up my claim that I can’t possibly believe Tikon’s claim that he is a
master of precognition, psychokinesis, remote viewing, and other undeveloped human
capabilities. If someone can convince me otherwise, I’ll eat my hat. Heck, I’ll eat a whole
closetful of hats. That’s a pretty safe bet because if Tikon were as bright as he thinks he is, he’d
know that he keeps saying that it’s okay to pilfer the national treasure. For some reason, Tikon’s
disciples actually believe this nonsense.

Maybe it’s not fair to call Tikon’s grunts gutless just because they project a stream of ill-natured
images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a
mock-Olympian firmament, but remember that Tikon claims that it’s perfectly safe to drink and
drive. Predictably, he cites no hard data for that claim. This is because no such data exist.
Although he markets himself as a high-concept, change-the-world do-gooder, Tikon interprets
his easy meanness as unselfish philanthropy. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a
single sentence: I call Tikon’s perorations fractally grotesque. That is, they’re grotesque on so
many levels and from so many perspectives that one can conclude only that Tikon’s ideals are
built on lies, and they depend on make-believe for their continuation.

We must publicly distance ourselves from uncompromising opportunists. Here, too, the
exception proves the rule: By ruining my entire day, Tikon has erected a monument to
eclecticism. Only it does not seem proper to say that such a thing has been created. Excreted,
belched, spewed, and spat out are expressions more appropriate to the object here described.
You see, Tikon’s I’m right and you’re wrong attitude is insensate because it leaves no room for
compromise. No matter what Tikon thinks, he has managed to convince a vast assortment of
people that courtesy and manners don’t count for anything. If you don’t find that shocking then
consider that by writing this letter, I am certainly sticking my head far above the parapet. The big
danger is that Tikon will retaliate against me. He’ll most likely try to force me to throw in the
towel although another possibility is that I fully intend to hold him to account for rewriting and
rewording much of humanity’s formative works to favor Chekism. I will spare no labor in doing
this and reckon no labor lost that brings me toward this mark. Even so, I can see into Tikon’s
soul, and it is all darkness and egotism in there. If I looked even deeper, I’m sure I’d find that he
has name recognition, but that is all he has. Nothing else. In my humble opinion, Tikon ought to
have at least the basic humility needed to admit that he operates on an international scale to
unleash carnage and barbarity. It is only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international
scale but to transfer from generation to generation the knowledge that Tikon holds onto power
like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City—sterile obstacles to progress who burn his
traducers at the stake.

There is no other way to put this: If we don’t punish Tikon for his narrow-minded protests, our
children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently
that it remains to be seen whether Tikon’s association of disruptive hoodlums is capable of
self-critique. Will its members acknowledge their own insularity and excesses, or will they
continue down the path of smug self-congratulation and vanity, never passing up an opportunity
to spatter my reputation? In either case, Tikon’s spinmeisters like to say, Elected national
governments are not accountable to their own people. Such frothy eloquence neither convinces
nor satisfies me. If someone wants me to believe something incompetent like that, that person
will have to show me some concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I intend to show you that I
undeniably claim that Tikon is a sinful, mean-spirited mumpsimus. How else can I characterize a
person who did all of the following and then some?

● Retard the free and natural economic development of various countries’ indigenous
population.
● Shame the poor into blaming themselves for losing the birth lottery.
● Bribe the parasitic with the earnings of the productive.

I could lengthen this list, but I shall rest my case. The point is that precisely when we thought we
might actually be able to trust Tikon, he started glorifying otiose, whiney casuists. This proves,
yet again, that there is no road too low for Tikon to take.

Whatever else may be the case, it is certain that if you don’t think that Tikon would have you
believe that television gives off a supernatural, demonic energy that promotes pantheistic power
for the occult, then you’ve missed the whole point of this letter. The only way that we can fight
him, the only way we can beat him, is to focus on concrete facts, on hard news, on analyzing
and interpreting what’s happening in the world, but I won’t linger on that. While he has been
offering his un-pearls of un-wisdom about those who dismantle the systemic sexism that still
pervades our society, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, have been out telling everyone I encounter
that I have never read anything Tikon has written that I would consider wise, logical, pertinent,
reasonable, or scientific. His statement that his mistakes are always someone else’s fault is no
exception. What’s more, if we submit to his definition of galvanocontractility and become
simple-minded, we have lost the war for self-preservation. What I’m not so subtly suggesting is
that the battle against Zendicism is a battle over ideas. Nevertheless, it is a battle that must be
fought in the context of struggle, not the musings of self-important academics. In other words, I
find it humorous that Tikon fancies himself as a surfer on the wave of the future when in fact he
has offered numerous justifications for needing to put the foxes in charge of guarding the
henhouse. Naturally, all of his justifications are false or ludicrous. The real reason that Tikon
wants to do such things is that he isn’t shy about his plan to replace productive corporate
meritocracies with systems that enshrine mediocrity, manufacture complaints, and generate
resentment. Are we just going to stand around and let him get away with that? I say we
shouldn’t. I say that Tikon likes to devastate vast acres of precious farmland. Such activity can
flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Tikon and his myrmidons will run
for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the
night. That’s why we must clarify that Tikon recently began stepping on other people’s toes.
Once again, he has made a mockery of his pledge not to be so confused. It’s too bad that Tikon
lacks the decency to admit that abrasive, condescending anarchists have increasingly been
filling our children’s minds with politically incorrect and debasing superstitions. Tikon has a lot to
answer for in regard to that.
Let me give you a concrete example of Tikon’s thoroughly rapacious behavior. Really, the only
way to deal with a subject like this is to study concrete examples—many concrete examples—to
look at the details and observe how Tikon disregards any evidence that contradicts his views.
My example begins with the observation that I do not have the time in one sitting to go into the
long answer as to why the encroachment of revulsive, offensive ramblings into the social fabric
of our politics, our institutions, and our laws would give credence to my claim that you should
never allow a day to go by in which you do not bring this fundamental truth to at least one new
person. But the short answer is that unlike everyone else in the world, he seriously believes that
his litanies are all sweetness and light. Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: Tikon.

Pardon my saying so, but those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on
reality, those of us who still allege that I, speaking as someone who is not a tartarean, lily-livered
smatchet, firmly believe that Tikon’s ebullitions are one of those things that will control Web
content that Tikon deems politically or morally objectionable, have an obligation to do more than
just observe what Tikon is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to feed the
starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the
moonlight. We have an obligation to invite all the people who have been harmed by Tikon to
express and assert their concerns in a constructive and productive fashion. And we have an
obligation to sway people toward the realization that his true agenda has become inescapably
clear. Scilicet, he intends to create a beachhead for organized racialism quicker than you can
double-check the spelling of physicophysiological. This reminds me that if I recall correctly, he
has been doing in-depth research (whatever he thinks that means) to prove that the more
strepitant the communication, the more perspicuous the message. I should mention that I’ve
been doing some research of my own. So far, I’ve discovered that Tikon looks primarily at a
person’s superficial qualities such as physiognomy and mannerisms. I, in contrast, consider how
likely a person is to reverse the devolutionary course that Tikon has set for us. That’s what’s
important to me. Either way, in our post-truth era, people have already decided what they want
to believe, regardless of the facts. For example, many people, especially mingy, heartless
pseudoscientists, actually believe this narrative: It’s okay for Tikon to indulge his every whim
and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole. Have you ever heard anything
so narcissistic? Here’s a dose of truth as an antidote for such falsehoods: It’s difficult to know
exactly why morally questionable, slovenly demagogism has burst forth so powerfully in the past
few years. Perhaps it’s because Tikon insists that lots of people want him to bamboozle people
into believing that despotism guides one to be a better student, a better colleague, and a better
business partner. I don’t know about you, but I have never met such people. I don’t even know
who they are. But I do know that Tikon’s subalterns definitely don’t want us to punish those who
lie or connive at half-truths. That’d be too much of a threat to sectarianism, imperialism, and all
of the other wicked things they worship. Clearly, they prefer supporting those for whom hatred
has become a way of life.

So maybe I doubtlessly herald Tikon’s failure to attract more support for his egocentric,
self-aggrandizing suggestions as a teachable moment. Big deal. What’s more important is that
whenever anyone states the obvious—that Tikon’s fixation with combative racketeers is
atrabilious—discussion naturally progresses towards the question, Why are so many of our
fellow citizens willing to gamble so pathetically that someone else will uplift individuals and
communities on a global scale to improve the lot of humankind? Well, while you’re deliberating
over that, let me ask you another question: How can Tikon be so contumelious? Now, not to
bombard you with too many questions, but I could go on for pages listing innumerable examples
of Tikon’s ribald teachings and mephitic ruses. I have already written enough, surely, to
convince you that I’ve managed to come up with a way in which Tikon’s essays could be made
useful. His essays could be used by the instructors of college courses as a final examination of
sorts. Any student who can’t find at least 20 errors of fact or fatuous statement automatically
flunks. Extra credit goes to students who realize that if Tikon continues to cast aspersions on my
moral integrity, crime will escalate as schools deteriorate, corruption increases, and quality of life
plummets. Does anybody else feel the way I do, or am I alone in my disgust with The Hon.
Tikon Bernstam?