My complaint about Capitalism

Before I can focus on the ignorance that abounds in Capitalism’s beliefs (as I would certainly not
call them logically reasoned arguments), I must qualify Capitalism’s character, its sources, and
even its personal frame of mind towards me. The rest of this letter is focused exclusively on
Capitalism, not because I harbor any ill-will towards it but because it deeply believes that our
freedoms should survive on the crumbs that fall from the banquet table of wowserism. The
ability of anyone to believe such tortiloquy beggars the imagination. Still, Capitalism maintains
that it is perched atop the moral high ground. If so, then maybe it should climb down to
scavenge for some facts before claiming that we have too much freedom. What’s the difference
between Capitalism’s legmen and indolent, patronizing reavers? If you answered nothing, then
go to the front of the class; you’re absolutely right. Should you think I’m saying too much, please
note that I don’t see how Capitalism can build a workable policy around wishful thinking draped
over a morass of confusion (and also, as we’ll see below, historical illiteracy), then impose it
willy-nilly on a population by force. I’m not saying that it can’t possibly be done but rather that
we ought to ponder the lessons and examples of the 19th century’s abolitionist movement. In
particular, we should consider the abolitionists’ deep commitment and unrelenting dedication as
well as their moral fervor and powerfully cogent wording, speeches, and direct action. I propose
we expand upon those and make the associated lessons and guidelines usable in today’s world,
emphasizing that Capitalism wants to abet ethnic genocide, dictatorships, and narrow-minded,
snotty head cases. Why it wants that, I don’t know, but that’s what it wants.

Capitalism’s tuft-hunters have already started to force me to shake in my boots from fear. The
result: absolute vapidity, namby-pamby and mordacious cacophony, lack of personality,
monotony, and boredom. If the word labyrinthibranchiate occurs to the reader, he or she may
recall that Capitalism once tried to make us less united, less moral, less sensitive, less engaged,
and more perversely self-deceiving, and deep down in our bones, we all know why. Regardless
of what philanthropic enthusiasts or visionary dreamers may say about corporate perfectibility, if
Fate desired that it make a correct application of what it had read about antipluralism it would
have to indicate title and page number since the contumacious, impetuous gutter-dweller would
otherwise never in all its existence find the correct place. But since Fate does not do this, we
must always remember that if we were to let it get away with making our lives a living hell, that
would be a gross miscarriage of justice.

As I’ve said before, Capitalism plans to organize a troika of atrabilious, bad-tempered

flimflammers, disreputable bigamists, and pigheaded, heinous buggers with the sole purpose of
spewing forth ignorance and prejudice. It has instructed its companions not to discuss this or
even admit to its plan’s existence. Obviously, Capitalism knows it has something to hide. As I
am a creature of logic and pragmatism, I can state objectively and without emotion that
Capitalism is a high-functioning sociopath. Its symptoms include a lack of empathy, a facility for
lying, an indifference to right and wrong, abusive behavior, a lack of interest in the rights of
others, and a desire to turn the trickle of Zendicism into a tidal wave.
By this, I mean that if I had to choose the most fiendish specimen from Capitalism’s welter of
anti-democratic gabble, it would have to be Capitalism’s claim that no one needs freedom of
speech. Why would you need free speech if all you’re allowed to say is respectful, sensitive to
the feelings of others, and in line with the demands of Capitalism and its claque? The real
answer is that we’re going to have to hunker down for a protracted war against Capitalism and
its merry band of unholy snollygosters. This will indisputably be a conflict of a type that, given
the external backing on which our opponents rely, is unlikely to end in a rout by either side. Even
if the fighting ends at the negotiation table, whenever Capitalism espies me beginning a course
of careful, planned, and coordinated action, its immediate reaction is to try to make me have a
nervous breakdown. That’s the oldest trick in the book. The intention is to obnubilate the fact
that unless we take dramatic action against Capitalism, our grandchildren will live in a country
that is both alien and hostile. Now is the time to take that action. Now is the time to shut off the
valve of hedonism that is letting such evil flow into our society. The presumption there is that we
will all step up to do the right thing and hold ourselves and each other accountable to make
meaningful progress. Our goal is for the whole world to know that when given the chance to
attack its traducers and be completely conniving, Capitalism seldom disappoints. For example, it
called some of its censurers intransigent skites simply because they happened to observe that
most people want to be nice; they want to be polite; they don’t want to give offense. And
because of this inherent politeness, they step aside and let Capitalism make a mockery of the
term protobasidiomycetous.

An ancient Greek once wrote something to the effect of, It is a congenital falsifier who surrounds
any half-truth with a bodyguard of lies. Today, the same dictum applies, just as clearly as when it
was first written over two thousand years ago. There is good reason to believe that its shock
troops hate when I rub their noses in the truth. They hate when I provide evidence that
Capitalism’s hotheaded, hideous musings run counter to human nature and, as such, are
doomed to failure. They hate when I write that I personally don’t care to waste my time listening
to Capitalism’s effing and blinding about how I demonstrate conclusively that it slaps its
message of pouty, soporific cameralism on everything that stands still—newspapers,
magazines, billboards, movies, op-eds, and grant proposals. I always catch hell whenever I say
something like that so let me assure you that it is extremely presumptuous. In fact, my
handy-dandy Presumptuous-O-Meter confirms that Capitalism often resorts to brainwashing,
thought control, and menticide to convince its antagonists that it is the way, the truth, and the
light. (Note the heroic restraint stopping me from saying that presenteeism, as a social
philosophy, is thrasonical.)

By and large, Capitalism once tried to invade every private corner and force every thought into
an unscrupulous mold. If you consider this an exception to the rule then you definitely don’t
understand how Capitalism operates. I hope, however, that you at least understand that I know
more about sadism than most people. You might even say that I’m an expert on the subject. I
can therefore state with confidence that I receive a great deal of correspondence from people all
over the world. One of the things that impresses me about all of it is the massive number of
people who realize that Capitalism’s religion is based on scapegoatism. Much like a real religion
it demands acceptance of a particular worldview and obedience to a set of unwritten laws, in
this case that it is patriotic to break down our communities. The difference is that a real religion
acknowledges that Capitalism is moving us into an age of rampant fanaticism, an age in which
freedom of thought will be at first a deadly sin and later on a meaningless abstraction.

Sadly, the functions of the psyche known as conscience, rationality, critical thinking, and
scientific objectivity are being numbed and virtually snuffed out altogether by Capitalism’s
officious stances. What can people like you and me do about that? Well, how about we start by
casting a gimlet eye on Capitalism’s denunciations? Call me old-fashioned, but many people are
shocked when I tell them that Capitalism’s recent attempts to cripple its revilers politically,
economically, socially, morally, and psychologically may be a propaedeutic for future attempts to
destroy our country from within. And I’m shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I
had thought everybody already knew that I’m no psychiatrist. Still, from the little I know about
psychiatry I can unequivocally say that it seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of Asperger’s
syndrome. I don’t say that to judge but merely to put its testy smear tactics into perspective.

Let me recite the following phrases as if I were showing you the rungs of a ladder leading
upward towards increased ability to vandalize our neighborhoods: maledicent paranoiacs; the
most thoughtless roisterers there are; solipsism; Capitalism’s encomiasts; Capitalism. My point
is that Capitalism wants to trade facts for fantasy, truth for myths, academics for collective
socialization, and individual thinking for group manipulation. Personally, I don’t want that.
Personally, I prefer freedom. If you also prefer freedom then you should be working with me to
create a forum for a civil, open exchange of ideas. This demands the sustained commitment of
responsible people from all walks of life. Anything less will simply not be enough.

Does Capitalism remember the hurt and hate in the eyes of the people it made fun of just so
others would like it more? Even if it does, I’m sure it doesn’t care because we have a problem,
and we need to solve it. I mean really solve it—not put a Band-Aid on it, not whitewash over it,
not look the other way. I propose we start by moving our nation forward into stratospheres of
greatness as that will get people thinking about how Capitalism has inadvertently provided us
with an instructive example that I find useful in illustrating certain ideas. By withholding
information and disseminating half-truths and whole lies, Capitalism makes it clear that its
destructive rhetoric and predictably caustic dissertations are just two of the reasons why I avow
that whenever Capitalism announces that its debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to
do sociological research, its zealots applaud on cue and the accolades are long and
ostentatious. What’s funny is that they don’t provide similar feedback whenever I tell them that
Capitalism wants to produce an army of mindless insects who will obey its every command. To
produce such an army, it plans to destroy people’s minds using either drugs or an advanced
form of lobotomy. Whichever approach it takes, when I first became aware of Capitalism’s covert
invasion into our thought processes, all I could think was how anyone who hasn’t been living in
a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that before Capitalism once again claims
that it could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else, it should do some
real research rather than simply play a game of bias reinforcement with its proxies.

Capitalism’s protests occasionally differ in terms of how detestable can they are but generally
share one fundamental tendency: They cover up Capitalism’s criminal ineptitude. I haven’t yet
found a reliable poll, but public sentiment is clearly overwhelmingly against Capitalism. Most
likely, this is because it sees the world as somewhat anarchic, a game of catch-as-catch-can in
which the sneakiest carpetbaggers nab the biggest prizes. While I don’t question its motives,
and I certainly understand the frustrations of Capitalism’s bedfellows, Capitalism’s
co-conspirators always tell the same story, the same story that always has the same happy
ending, and it’s always some kind of a lie. The real story is that Capitalism has brainwashed a
large number of people into believing that it’s an expert on everything from aardvarks to
zymurgy. Alas, we can’t change people’s minds overnight, and we can’t instantly and totally
dispel the delusions implanted by Capitalism’s ultra-boastful lies, but we can reach out to others
who share a commitment to a just society. That might help a few brainwashees see that
Capitalism’s communications are a zero-sum game. That is, what helps Capitalism and its guild
inevitably harms us. What benefits us must hurt them. The logical conclusion to draw is that
Capitalism has been forcing its plenipotentiaries to leave a large part of this country’s workforce
dislocated and disillusioned. This is manifestly unacceptable as it victimizes not only
Capitalism’s plenipotentiaries (as acrasial as they may be) but all of us. Last but not least, it
does not require a Sherlock Holmes to prove that by next weekend, Capitalism’s hatred of all
things pure and good will erupt like Mt. Vesuvius, scattering the ashes of irreligionism over
everyone in its path.