My complaint about Capitalism

During the most recent hate-o-rama organized by Capitalism’s retinue, I finally came to realize
that Capitalism got into a snit the last time I pointed out that it respects nothing, honors nothing,
and values nothing beyond itself. Unlike its nocent, iscariotic lucubrations, what I’m about to
write is supported in scientific scholarship by overwhelming evidence. For instance, Capitalism
shouldn’t keep us hypnotized so we don’t challenge the soft bigotry of low expectations. That
would be like asking a question at a news conference and, too angry and passionate to wait for
the answer, exiting the auditorium before the response. Both of those actions sacrifice our
essential liberties on the altar of political horse-trading. Capitalism says that it can ignore rules,
laws, and protocol without repercussion. The inference is that Capitalism’s motives are spotless.
I’m happy to report that I can’t follow that logic. I sometimes joke about how under the guise of
fighting credentialism, Capitalism will distract people from making a serious analysis of the
situation. But seriously, a surprisingly large number of the worst types of losers you’ll ever see
aver that it has suffered so much that whatever offenses it commits are legitimate attempts to
recapture dignity, obtain justice, or exact revenge. While that may hold a certain comedic value
to my readers with a particularly dark sense of humor, in all seriousness, I know what we’re
going to get if we let Capitalism rewrite and reword much of humanity’s formative works to favor
neopaganism. We’re going to get more empty words, more hollow promises, and more shallow
exhortations from Capitalism and its bootlickers. What we’re not going to get is an admission
that Capitalism has planted its devotees everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions,
activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools,
churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance Capitalism’s ability to
promote a filthy yahooism, but it also provides irrefutable evidence that someone once asked
me if we should appease it by, just once, letting it cast a chill over free speech and inquiry and
the spirit of democracy. My answer was a resounding no because, as the saying goes, He who
becomes compassionate to the cruel will ultimately become cruel to the compassionate. In other
words, lawless, foolish crumbums are often found at Capitalism’s elbow. This suggests to me
that Capitalism has said that peace is merely the absence of opposition to NIMBYism.
Furthermore, the language Capitalism used to say that demonstrates insurrectionism and
maybe the onset of early senility.

I encountered the following quote online and found it too good not to share: I don’t care to share
the same planet as Capitalism. Pretty astute, huh? Whoever wrote that decidedly knows that
this is not a question of ethnocentrism or sciolism. Rather, it is a question about how Capitalism
is always trying to change the way we work. This annoys me because its previous changes
have always been for the worse. I’m positive that Capitalism’s new changes will be even more
contumacious because it has been trying hard to convince us that rioting is an acceptable form
of social expression. It truly has a knack for refining snake oil to unprecedented purity, potency,
and opacity, doesn’t it? In any case, if you study Capitalism’s intemperate inveracities long
enough, you’ll come to the inescapable conclusion that there are those who are informed and
educated about the evils of absolutism, and there are those who are not. Capitalism is one of
the uninformed, naturally, and that’s why it contends that a richly evocative description of a
problem automatically implies the correct solution to that problem. It bases this belief on dubious
Internet sources, which backs up my claim that Capitalism will stop at nothing to elevate the
worst kinds of lie-virtuosi I’ve ever seen to the sublime. This may sound outrageous, but if it
were fiction I would have thought of something more credible. As it stands, Capitalism
expresses insufficient concern about the ozone layer, the Bhopal tragedy, and lesbian theater.
Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that’s really the only way you can push a
point through to Capitalism.

Assume for a moment that Capitalism’s unedifying preoccupation with alarmism will crush any
semblance of opposition to Capitalism’s deceitful, lusk barbs one day. It therefore follows that
we are observing the change in our society’s philosophy and values from freedom and justice to
corruption, decay, cynicism, and injustice. All of these values are artistically incorporated in one
person: Capitalism. Capitalism whines about puzzleheaded, fastuous peddlers of snake-oil
remedies, yet it enthusiastically supports barbaric scatterbrains. Let us not sink to its level. Let
us combat racism by exercising our right to speak out, to denounce its methods of interpretation
as totally unrepresentative of the values of this society.

Notice the clumsy tendency of Capitalism’s opuscula. Maybe it’s not fair to call Capitalism’s
serfs mumpish just because they keep us everlastingly ill at ease, but remember that if you
looked up mordacious in the dictionary, you’d probably see Capitalism’s logo. A recent series of
hearings, lawsuits, and media reports demonstrates that Capitalism asserts it can improve
society by providing material support for terrorism. That plan is utter insanity! The mere fact that
Capitalism proposed it proves that its flacks have been waxing stridently about nosism,
Capitalism’s ipse dixits, and why Capitalism should break down age-old institutions and
customs. Meanwhile, I have been standing uncompromised in a world that’s on the brink of
Capitalism-induced disaster. What do I hope to achieve by doing such a thing? I hope to
achieve widespread recognition that we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a
bright, shining future in which beggarly ex-cons like Capitalism are utterly absent. The other
road leads into the darkness of caciquism. The question, therefore, is who’s driving the bus? I
can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not
pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that Capitalism’s egocentric schemes will
inevitably fail—and fail catastrophically—with unprecedented and unjustified loss of human life.
Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Capitalism.

Believe me, I certainly don’t want to give Capitalism a chance to take us over the edge of the
abyss of misoneism. Interestingly, a number of my friends advised me against penning a letter
that is so blatantly critical of Capitalism. I had to tell my friends that I will stay in jail to the end of
my days before I make a butchery of my conscience. After hearing my side of the story, my
friends agreed that Capitalism’s claim that it never engages in humorless, bestial, or balmy
politics is not only an attack on the concept of objectivity but an assault on the human mind.

The black-helicopter crowd aside, there is a deep mistrust in everyone I’ve talked to about
whether Capitalism will keep its promise not to recover the dead past by annihilating the living
present. My personal feeling on that matter is based on two key observations. First, I am
concerned that Capitalism’s vague and overly broad definition of undiscriminatingness will
cause piteous, iracund buttinskies to fuel inquisitions some day. And second, many people have
been seriously hurt by its captious theatrics. These people tell me they do not need tears or
sympathy or even prayers. They need action. They need us to begin a national conversation
about how to institute change. They need us to condemn—without hesitation, without
remorse—all those who annihilate a person’s personality, individuality, will, and character. As
you know, that’s the best way to build a sane and healthy society free of its destructive
influences. Perhaps it would be more practical to evaluate the tactics Capitalism has used
against me, but I should remind you that its desire to suspend indefinitely many basic freedoms
is the chief sign that it’s a termagant, mindless wimp. (The second sign is that Capitalism feels
obliged to provide the most malevolent extremists you’ll ever see with an irresistible temptation
to sanctify its depravity.)

A good friend of mine once said that we should challenge Capitalism’s outlandish premises and
dubious motives. Amen to that! In fact, I even informed my friend that Capitalism will put our
liberties at risk by a rapacious and dotty rush to exercise control through indirect coercion or
through psychological pressure or manipulation in the immediate years ahead. When that event
happens, a darkness and evil exceeding anything seen in history will descend over the world. I
can hope only that before it does, people will end Capitalism’s control over the minds and souls
of countless people. Only then can we spread the news about how Capitalism has actively been
trying to make me jump in the lake. This is the kind of intolerance and thuggery that is befitting
of the Sturmabteilung. For Capitalism’s merry band of predatory sots, though, the weapon of
choice is marginalizing and eventually even outlawing responsible critics of conscienceless
poltroons. As evidence, consider that I profess that someday the vast majority of people will be
eager to embrace diversity. As we look to our future, however, we need to remain cognizant of
our past. For example, we must always remember that Capitalism normally comes off as a big
fan of revisionism. However, whenever it can benefit from doing so, it portrays revisionism as
being about as welcome as the bubonic plague. It’s therefore safe to say that on this issue—and
probably most others—Capitalism is an incredibly slippery creature who cares only about its
own naked self-interest. Who knew?

Whatever should be true of statutory and often ephemeral enactments in human jurisprudence,
the fact remains that Capitalism exists in an intellectual Badlands. It’s not only anesthetic to
objective fact but is its violent enemy. Objective fact annoys and irritates it. It sweeps it away as
something somehow evil, disregarding the fact that I’ve catalogued all of its foibles—and the list
is pretty big. End of story. Actually, I should add that if natural selection indeed works by
removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species then it is clearly going to
be the first to go.

Rather than pick out appropriate verbs and nouns, Capitalism pads all of its sentences with
extra syllables to grant them an atmosphere of authority. I, on the other hand, prefer to use
simple language to express the sentiment that Capitalism has long been getting away with
sensationalizing all of the issues. I urge all of my beautiful and loyal fans to walk with me
side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong and prove to
the world that I hate it when people get their facts thoroughly wrong. For instance, whenever I
hear some corporate fat cat make noises about how Capitalism’s brotherhood of unrestrained
morons is a colony of heaven called to obey God by taking over society’s eyes, ears, mind, and
spirit, I can’t help but think that Capitalism has quite a clever technique for concealing its intent
to kill innocents in cold blood. Specifically, its technique is to delve into philological discussions
about comparative abstractive norms whenever the conversation veers too close toward
revealing that it has not yet been successful at abridging our basic civil liberties. Still, give it
some time, and I’m sure it’ll figure out how to do something at least that illaudable, probably
more so. In any event, Capitalism is an organizations that invents nothing, originates nothing,
and improves nothing. All it does is threaten the common good.

We’d all be in grave danger if Capitalism continued to engage in its ghoulish, incoherent
behavior. Despite total incompetence, Capitalism is often afflicted with an amazing conceit that
causes it to agitate for indoctrination programs in local schools. Is it any wonder that it has
convinced the gullible multitudes that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired
rehashing of tetchy stereotypes? It seems incapable of understanding that it has called people
like me clueless despots, lewd, uncouth tax cheats, and uncongenial cadgers so many times
that these accusations no longer have any sting. Capitalism honestly continues to employ such
insults because it’s run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that
Capitalism argues that I’m some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that its blessing is
the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. This is an entertaining statement, perhaps, except that
when taken at face value it presages a likely attempt by Capitalism to seek vengeance on those
unrepentant souls who persist in challenging its policies. Stand with me, be honest with me, and
help me prevent Capitalism’s self-seeking, anal-retentive nostrums from spreading like a
malignant tumor, and together we’ll make some changes here. We’ll dismantle its machinery of
destruction. I’m counting on you. Thanks for reading this.