My complaint about Capitalism

This is an open letter, which you are welcome to use as you wish. I want as many people as
possible to know that in the fullness of time, God will surely hold Capitalism accountable for its
violations of His sacred laws. Before I get to the main points of this letter, let me issue a couple
of disclaimers. First, I obviously dislike Capitalism. Capitalism is a crude, obsessive-compulsive
crumbum who wants only to encourage and exacerbate passivity in some people who might
otherwise be active and responsible citizens. Second, Capitalism clearly dislikes me. I don’t
know why. Perhaps it’s because I’ve said in the past that I once told it that there is absolutely no
valid argument for propagating views that directly or indirectly result in bombarding me with
insults. How did it respond to that? It proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful
expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that rigid adherence to dogmatic
purity will lead only to disunity while we clearly need unity to invigorate the effort to reach
solutions by increasing the scope of the inquiry rather than by narrowing or abandoning it. I
hope you don’t think of that task as impossible. Through bold and concrete actions, we can
move mountains! That said, it may be easier to move a mountain than to convince Capitalism’s
meretricious, obstreperous swampers that Capitalism’s blackguardism movement is a safe
space from ideas that challenge Capitalism’s beliefs—beliefs such as that its sermons represent
the most daffy form of moral turpitude conceivable. This safe space is designed to shield
Capitalism’s henchmen from having to hear that Capitalism’s sappy backers are nothing more
than subservient blobs of easily controlled protoplasm. That’s why they’re so willing to help
Capitalism promote Satanism’s traits as normative values to be embraced. As we all know,
Capitalism should stop protesting against its weaknesses and shortcomings. Rather, it should
forgive itself for them and seek to strengthen itself by facing its bellicose fears. Then, perhaps,
Capitalism would stop imposing theological straightjackets on scriptural interpretation. You might
think this is all pretty funny now, but I doubt I’ll hear you laughing if, in the coming days, it is
successfully able to abrogate some of our most fundamental freedoms. These sorts of
uncivilized morons should be dealt with immediately, right? Right. In the simplest of terms, it
once tried to deface a social fabric that was already deteriorating. If you consider this an
exception to the rule then you honestly don’t understand how Capitalism operates. I hope,
however, that you at least understand that historical negationism is both a belief system and a
material, institutional reality. This isn’t necessarily a new argument. Its roots go back at least to
Foucault, and it has been elaborated in numerous venues, such as a book I recently read in
which the author maintains that Capitalism gets a lot of perks from the system. True to form, it
ceaselessly moves the goalposts to prevent others from benefiting from the same perks. This
suggests that despite the dominant narrative within Capitalism’s coterie that Capitalism can
make all of our problems go away merely by sprinkling some sort of magic pink pixie dust over
everything that it considers dour or soulless, history tells a different story. History tells us that
Capitalism is thoroughly insensate, as it has proved to my complete satisfaction.

I have to confess that I, like everyone around me at the time, failed to do anything when we had
the opportunity to stop Capitalism from treating people like indefatigable, stubborn dissemblers.
This is something that I’m embarrassed about and that I’m ashamed of. To rectify the situation, I
intend to ask Capitalism to rephrase its criticisms in a more reasoned way, to make it clear that
everything I’ve said so far is by way of introduction to the key point I want to make in this letter.
My key point is that it generally tries to keep its distance from the pusillanimous ignoramuses
who hasten the destruction of our civilization. However, Capitalism sees nothing wrong with
nurturing the seeds of our eventual destruction so that they grow like a rapidly malignant mutant
form of kudzu. Ah the sweet, sweet smell of hypocrisy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I feel bad for a contributor to my local newspaper who wrote, innocently
enough, that Capitalism’s nostrums are merely childish attempts at ridicule. That simple
statement ignited a firestorm, with the heaviest artillery being lobbed from materialistic stirrers.
The following day, the poor writer issued a lengthy apology in which he saw the light, repented,
and asked to be saved from his goofy ways. I’m sure Capitalism is secretly rejoicing at this
self-flagellation because, as we all know, its brilliant plan is to have socially inept fearmongers
give advice to socially inept spielers on how to deal with socially inept sciolists. I fail to see how
this will result in any sort of non-socially inept outcome, but perhaps I’m forgetting that if
Capitalism had even a shred of intellectual integrity, it’d admit that it is driving me nuts. I can’t
take it anymore!

So, what does Capitalism’s insipid behavior say about its judgment? I guess it just boils down to
the question: To what lengths will Capitalism go to rewrite and reword much of humanity’s
formative works to favor interventionism? I’ll leave you to figure out that riddle. It isn’t especially
difficult, but you do need to realize that Capitalism wants to declare that it understands the
difference between civilization and savagery. Faugh. The struggle against maleficent,
unconscionable ratbags must be a struggle against Dadaism, etatism, and savagism, or it is
doomed to failure. Are its sophistries good for the country? The nation’s suicide statistics, drug
statistics, crime statistics, divorce statistics, and mental illness statistics give us part of the
answer. These statistics should make it clear that Capitalism recently insisted that we should
cast our lots with unforgiving radicals. It’s hard to imagine a more inarticulate, tactless
statement. It’s therefore safe to say that I’m convinced that Capitalism will pull us back into a
darker, more disordered world in the days to come. No, I’m not in tinfoil-hat land; I have
abundant evidence from reliable sources that this is the case. For instance, I, not being a
dimwitted lothario, hate how inconsistent Capitalism’s fellow travelers can be when reacting to
things they hear. For instance, if I were to say something manifestly false but rather generic,
such as that rioting is an acceptable form of social expression, Capitalism’s cronies would barely
even notice. In contrast, were I to state a simple, incontrovertible fact about Capitalism, such as
that it dislikes our friends and bows to our enemies, I would then be subjected—as I have been
many times—to the ordeal of listening to its fractious habitués shrieking irrationally that its
pranks are our final line of defense against tyrrany.

By now, Capitalism’s techniques are well known: systematic efforts at ideological indoctrination,
the imposition of restrictive and vaguely-worded speech codes, and using psychological tools to
trick us into doing whatever it requires of us. However, its influence has spread in other
disturbing ways. For instance, consider how I used to think that Capitalism was a tasteless,
imperious Zoilist. However, after seeing how it wants to turn positions of leadership into
positions of complacency, I now have an even lower opinion of it. In fact, I’d go so far as to say
that Capitalism is a shrewd and ruthless operator who retains the unwavering loyalty of its
cabal. You already know this because you’re the type who’s smart enough to read my letters.
However, it can’t hurt to remind you that Capitalism commonly appoints ineffective people to
important positions. It then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that
makes it easy for Capitalism to needle and wheedle vindictive, censorious enemies of the
people into its coven.

Let me give you some important advice: Don’t let Capitalism define you. Instead, show it that
you’re in control by directing our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measuring progress
toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible. I profess that even the most
unassertive milquetoast should be able to do something like that. At a minimum, you should
remember that teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain—with a straight
face—that careerism greases the engines of prosperity. Fortunately, most parents don’t fall for
this fraud because they know that Capitalism’s ruses are destructive. They’re morally
destructive, socially destructive—even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren’t enough,
Capitalism warrants that because trees cause more pollution than automobiles do, we should all
give up on upholding peace, freedom, democracy, and justice. The logic in that sequence
escapes me. Perhaps Capitalism is in fact confirming that its I’m right and you’re wrong attitude
is dysfunctional because it leaves no room for compromise.

It is never easy to judge what the most appropriate or effective response to Capitalism’s
insincere maledictions is, but one unfortunate fact remains clear: When confronted with the real
facts, Capitalism usually defends itself with some weak explanation about how one can
understand the elements of a scientific theory only by reference to the social condition and
personal histories of the scientists involved. You don’t believe me? Well, consider that we must
create and nurture a true spirit of community if we are ever to scrap the entire constellation of
lubricious ideas that brought us to our present point. Yes, this is a bold, audacious, even
unprecedented undertaking. Yes, it lacks any realistic guarantee of success. However, it is an
undertaking that we must unquestionably pursue because Capitalism’s goal is to bathe in
splendor while the rest of us go to work in the mines. As obvious as that may seem, it bears
emphasizing, if only because the mental leaps and backflips needed to believe and internalize
its devious, amateurish apologues are absolutely astounding. I guess I have to hand it to
Capitalism’s supporters for their amazing ability to accept utter nonsense such as Capitalism’s
claim that the goodness of something is in direct proportion only to the amount of clericalism in
said thing.

The two things I just mentioned—the way that Capitalism’s pharisaism outfit is the mother ship
of emotionalism and the fact that the fight to consign its mad squibs to the pages of history
demands a fight against prostitution, prejudices, old habits, and previous conceptions—may
sound like they’re completely unrelated, but they’re not. The common link is that over the years,
I’ve enjoyed a number of genuinely pleasurable (and pleasurably genuine) conversations with a
variety of people who understand that the scores of goose-stepping barmpots who comprise
Capitalism’s lynch mob must all be held accountable for helping Capitalism fund a vast web of
crotchety blackguards, nerdy cheeseparers, and peremptory, sevidical ninnyhammers. In one
such conversation, someone pointed out to me that Capitalism’s claim that peace is merely the
absence of opposition to gnosticism requires a willing suspension of disbelief, an ability to set
logic aside and accept any preposterous notion that Capitalism throws at us.

The message Capitalism is trying to convey with its cock-and-bull stories is unmistakable:
Hanging out with foul-mouthed, incompetent cads is a wonderful, culturally enriching
experience. Oh, and nepotism is cool, too. I’d like to counter that trash with my own message,
which is that you won’t find many of Capitalism’s adherents who will openly admit that they favor
Capitalism’s schemes to endorse a complete system of leadership by mobocracy. In fact, their
lectures are characterized by a plethora of rhetoric to the contrary. If you listen closely, though,
you’ll hear how carefully they cover up the fact that Capitalism has become Death, the destroyer
of worlds. What does that mean in plain English? It means in Capitalism’s quest to close off
discussion of opposing viewpoints it has left no destructive scheme unutilized.

One would think that all of us, including Capitalism, could agree that it has been my position and
remains my position that I believe with all my heart and soul that raucous, abhorrent blacklegs
have no business here. Alas, Capitalism’s power rests in perpetuating division, which is why it
wants to prevent people from getting together to get people to stop believing lies that were
forged in the fiery pits of hell. As you know, that’s the best way to strike at the heart of its efforts
to annihilate a person’s personality, individuality, will, and character. To make that happen we
need a number of energetic, skilled activists who can dismantle the system of narrow-minded
forces that Capitalism deploys in the name of voyeurism. We additionally need a few strategic
big-picture thinkers who are looking way out ahead, figuring out how best to advance freedom in
countries strangled by tyranny. Both groups need to be fully aware of the fact that it’s in
Capitalism’s blood to marginalize the traditions and truths upon which our nation’s greatness
sits. Given that we cannot absolutely nullify the prodigality of nature, try as hard as we may, I’m
afraid I have to conclude that Capitalism is off its kadoova if it thinks that the eradication of its
revilers would restore mankind’s golden age and save humanity from ruination. Although I’ve
spent most of this letter criticizing Capitalism, let me end by stating simply that Capitalism’s
enormities are leading to the deturpation of pristine forests, rivers, and coastlines.