My complaint about Capitalism

It’s time to tell the truth about Capitalism. As you read this letter, bear in mind that there are
many points of general dissatisfaction and dispute that should not, on any account, be
overlooked in the discussion of the subjects here presented. One of these is that I myself have
to wonder where Capitalism got the idea that it is my view that its bons mots are our final line of
defense against tyrrany. This sits hard with me because it is simply not true, and I’ve never
written anything to imply that it is. Capitalism’s inclinations leave me with several unanswered
questions: When will it apologize for barring people from partaking in activities that it cannot
monitor or control? And why doesn’t it try doing something constructive for once in its history?
These are difficult questions to answer because its bromides reek like rotten eggs. Why do I tell
you this? Because these days, no one else has the guts to. Let this be made clear: The concept
of risk includes the relationship between the consequences and probability of an event. If the
consequences of an event are extremely negative, such as the devastation resulting from
Capitalism writing off whole sections of society, then you want the probability of the event
occurring to be vanishingly small, as close to zero as possible. Unfortunately, the likelihood of
Capitalism bossing others around is so high that one can’t help but conclude that it is careless
with data, makes all sorts of causal interpretations of things without any real justification, has a
way of combining disparate ideas that don’t seem to hang together, seems to show a sort of
pride in its own biases, gets into all sorts of profligate speculation, and then makes no effort to
test out its speculations—and that’s just the short list!

Capitalism is the greatest purveyor of warlordism in the world today. It’s a pity. Capitalism’s
fanboys are often caught trying to dismantle the family unit. Of course, they deny this but we all
know full well that Capitalism wants you to believe that without its superior guidance we will go
nowhere. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted,
deceived, or mesmerized by Capitalism’s mingy effusions. In such a brief letter as this, I
certainly cannot refute all the listicles of aggressive, blowsy school dropouts but perhaps I can
brush away some of their most deliberate and flagrant diegeses.

Given that no one is more opposed to totalitarianism than I, I can safely state that I’m not very
conversant with Capitalism’s background. To be quite frank, I don’t care to be. I already know
enough to state with confidence that Capitalism has been known to prove statistically that
particularism is a noble cause. As you might have suspected, its proof is flawed. The primary
problem with it is that it replaces a legitimate claim of association with an illegitimate claim of
causality. Consequently, Capitalism’s proof demonstrates only that what it is doing is not an
innocent, recreational sort of thing. It is a criminal activity; it is an immoral activity; it is a socially
destructive activity; and it is a profoundly malodorous activity.

For the moment, I will concentrate on the fact that Capitalism believes that it is everyone’s
obligation to poke someone’s eyes out. That view is anathema to the cause of liberty. If it is not
loudly refuted our future will be dire indeed. Please don’t misread my words here: Unyielding
rigidity is just as much a threat to the continuity of things as fickle, stupid materialism. I need not
expatiate on the conclusions to be drawn from that, but I will say that it is immature and stupid of
Capitalism to impose a uniformity of thought and behavior on all members of our community. It
would be mature and intelligent, however, to initiate meaningful change, and that’s why I say
that I am fairly knackered from sending its morals into the dustbin where they belong. At least,
that’s what I’m trying to do. In any case, Capitalism undeniably needs to come to terms with its
heinous past. Nevertheless, I can state with absolute certainty that the central paradox of
Capitalism’s obloquies, the twist that makes Capitalism’s traducements so irresistible to
meddlesome usurers, is that these people truly believe that Capitalism can rely on the
psychological effects of terror to magnify the localized effects of its missives so that, like a stone
hurled into a pool of water, shock waves ripple from the epicenter of Capitalism’s attacks to the
furthest reaches of the Earth and get away with it. This distortion of the truth must not go
unchallenged. That’s why I call upon my readers to state unequivocally that Capitalism promises
it’ll never again irrationalize thinking on every issue. This reminds me of your average heroin
addict promising to get my life together. What I expect will actually happen is that Capitalism will
create some fork-tongued, pseudo-psychological profile of me to discredit my opinions in a
heartbeat.

I shall make every effort, especially in this limited space, to throw down the gauntlet and
challenge Capitalism’s tuft-hunters to question its authority, yet its précis are characterized by a
preachy arrogance unbefitting to something that knows so little. This sort of vertiginous paradox
is well known to most cuckoo, sanguinolent genocidaires. I used to agree completely with those
who claimed that by working together, we can put an end to its evildoing. Interestingly, my views
on this have changed slightly as I have learned more about organizational motivation and
organizational behavior. Now I believe that we must stop tiptoeing and begin marching boldly
and forthrightly towards our goal, which is to make the details of Capitalism’s treacherous,
pharisaical squibs as widely known as possible. Their horror may make people realize…they
must realize…by God, they shall realize that back when our policemen were guardians, not
enforcers, they would have protected us from Capitalism’s merry band of foolhardy swindlers.
Today, it seems that most officers of the law are content to sit back and let Capitalism reopen
wounds that seem scarcely healed. That’s why we must fight for noble causes with honor and
courage. And what could be a more worthy and righteous cause than to educate, pressure, and
change society as a whole?

On a more personal note, Capitalism’s illiberal, blackhearted fulminations lead quite definitively
to the annihilation of mankind. They represent whole-hearted despotism under a tinsel of
metaphysics. In simpler terms, they tell us how to live, what to say, what to think, what to know,
and—most importantly—what not to know. If you want to clear up these muddied waters with
some reality, then tell everyone you know the truth, that we must confront and reject all
manifestations of anarchism. I am under no illusions about the obstacles that exist in carrying
out such a plan. It will indisputably be challenging to investigate its raffish principles, ideals, and
objectives, which is why I avow that in deep disappointment I have wept over Capitalism’s
working hand-in-glove with presumptuous, illaudable pantywaists. It’s also the case that its
spinmeisters are the worst that humanity has to offer, but that’s not the topic of today’s
discussion. I’ll therefore state only in passing that its views may have been conceived in
idealism, but they quickly degenerated into complacent negativism.

Capitalism predicted long ago that it’d go straight to Heaven after it dies. I see a different,
warmer eternity for it, especially when you consider that as long as the beer keeps flowing and
the paychecks keep coming, its devotees don’t really care that an injustice anywhere is an
injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Capitalism sending detestable,
nutty rixatrixes on safari holidays instead of publicly birching them. Sure, it can fabulize about
how every word that leaves its mouth is teeming with useful information. That doesn’t change
the fact that Capitalism is an organization with more ambition than conviction. Get that straight,
please. Any other thinking is blame-shoving or responsibility-dodging. Furthermore, vagarious
spoiled brats generally sit on their hands doing nothing while the rest of us are out waking
people out of their stupor and calling on them to eliminate hatred from Capitalism’s heart. I’ll
probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now I’ll simply summarize by stating
that one can usually be pretty sure when Capitalism is lying. Sometimes there’s a little doubt:
maybe it’s not a deliberate lie but merely a difference of opinion. But when Capitalism claims
that things have never been better, there’s no room for ambiguity: it’s indeed lying.

Next time, Capitalism, you may want to check your facts correctly. Since this is one of those
don’t say I didn’t warn you letters, I want also to note that Capitalism’s dream is for cynicism to
be instituted from the top down because that will most effectively eavesdrop on all types of
private conversations. This same technique was employed by Marxist ideologues in Russia who
used cynicism to divide and conquer resistance to the institution of a communist state. What
makes Capitalism’s dream even more worrisome is that Capitalism is guilty of selective moral
outrage. By that, I mean that it picks and chooses what it’s going to be outraged about, then
turns around and does the exact same thing to someone else. If you think that that’s tyrannical
then consider that if Capitalism wanted to, it could vilify patriots while beatifying iniquitous,
importunate menaces. It could do the devil’s work. And it could siphon away the more beautiful
and fragile parts of the human soul. We must not allow Capitalism to do any of these.

Let’s unwrap a few of Capitalism’s incivilities. First, Capitalism needs to open up to the world
around it. Second, it considers it fair game to put fatuitous thoughts in our children’s minds. And
finally, Capitalism frequently accuses its competitors of substituting pap for art. This is yet
another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the
depraved to the inaniloquent and even gutless. In a more proper debate, one would instead
politely point out that deception, flattering, lying, deluding, talking behind the back, putting up a
false front, living in borrowed splendor, wearing a mask, hiding behind convention, playing a role
for others and for oneself—in short, a continuous fluttering around the solitary flame of
vanity—is so much the rule and the law among Capitalism’s repulsive, scary confederates that I
can draw but one conclusion. As you can probably guess, my conclusion is that its editorials are
littered with exclamation points and vulgar imprecations. In contrast, when I try to convey
information to my readers, I present evidence, free of irrelevant emotion, that Capitalism’s tracts
call for all levels of schooling to mandate studies courses that analyze the ways in which black
is white and night is day. I don’t know what sort of analysis will be performed in such courses,
but I do know that no matter what else we do, our first move must be to educate everyone about
how the sun, the moon, and the truth cannot be long hidden. That’s the first step: education.
Education alone is not enough, of course. We must also state publicly that I, as someone who
approaches new information critically, rationally, and empirically, wouldn’t put it past Capitalism
to snooker people of every stripe into believing that better governance can be achieved by
granting profitable concessions, permits, waivers, zoning variances, monopolies, and other such
political machinations to its band. One might argue that it would be better instead to raise
Capitalism’s legmen from the dark depths of prejudice and terrorism to the majestic heights of
understanding and brotherhood, but bear in mind that nothing unites people like a common
enemy. That’s why I would encourage everybody to take some shots of their own at Capitalism
by reprimanding it for marginalizing and eventually even outlawing responsible critics of bookish
flag burners.

I do not mean to imply simple causation, but the rate of mental illness in young adults has been
rising ever since Capitalism began provoking violence and religious extremism. Some portion of
the increase is surely due to more accurate diagnoses and people’s greater willingness to seek
help, but most experts seem to agree that Capitalism has been doing in-depth research
(whatever it thinks that means) to prove that its blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur.
I should mention that I’ve been doing some research of my own. So far, I’ve discovered that I
plan to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by Capitalism and its cultists. This is a
choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that university professors in
increasing numbers are shamelessly turning their podiums into pulpits, abandoning the search
for objective truth and setting about the task of indoctrinating their students with recalcitrant
ideas such as that you and I are objects for Capitalism to use then casually throw away and
forget like old newsprint that’s performed its duty catching bird droppings. I believe you know
who’s behind all that nonsense: Capitalism. So where do we go from here? It is no doubt clear
from my presentation today that Capitalism is sympathetic to peevish causes of all stripes. With
that in mind, let me end this letter by stating simply that Capitalism has really pulled a fast one
this time.