Julie

Juliesrainbows
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Bittersweet

“You’re staring, Louis.”

“Hm?”
“You’re watching me.”
“I thought you liked that.”
“I never said I didn’t.”

Louis Tomlinson Point Of View

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 2
1

I woke up to unknown surroundings and a pounding headache. I

groaned into the pillow under me, the smell of it reminding me I
still wasn’t home, and when I looked to the side, it took me a
moment to recall who the messy hair belonged to. Dark hair
wasn’t unusual, so in reality, it could’ve been anyone, but it
suddenly occurred to me it was Harry Styles who was sprawled
across the bed, his bare ass making me sigh while I tried to recall
what happened last night. It was a blur, but the soreness in my ass
convinced me Harry was bigger than what I was used to.

I took a moment to breathe before I decided it was best if I left

before he woke up, the wooden floor cold under my feet when I
got out of his bed. I looked for my boxers, the first pair I picked
up turning out to be his and not mine. I found them eventually,
taking them on before I found my jeans and hoodie, looking at the
condoms on the floor while I closed my jeans, almost all of them
having fallen out of the box.

“Are you leaving?”

I flinched slightly, looking at Harry while he sat up and wrapped

his duvet around him. He was pretty. The kind of pretty that
turned heads, his appearance making most of us wish for what I
had gotten last night. I wasn’t any different, having wanted him

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for as long as I could remember, but unlike everyone else, I hadn’t
given into him because of his appearance, but rather his charming
personality. He was dangerous in the way of luring in whoever he
wanted, but he was a mystery all at the same time and not a lot of
people could talk about him and get it right. No one knew him,
but anyone who bothered to pay attention could tell he was
keeping secrets he wasn’t gonna spill to whoever wanted to listen.
He wasn’t necessarily into small-talk, but he’d go with it if it kept
people from asking personal questions, and I knew this because I
was the same. I wasn’t keen on oversharing like Liam was and as
far as I knew, Harry wasn’t either.

“Yes,” I said as I pulled my hoodie on.

“You okay?”

“My ass hurts.”

“Right,” he chuckled, another moment passing where we simply

looked at each other. We had obviously been flirting last night as
that was probably what had gotten us into this situation in the first
place, but this was still the only conversation I could remember
having with him. “I’m serious though. Are you okay?”

“We don’t have to do this.”

I already knew he wasn’t into the-morning-after talks, and I

wasn’t particularly keen on it either. I surely didn’t have sex as
often as he did, but it happened occasionally, and while I was
simply one of his many, he was one of my not-so-many.

“Do what?”

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“Pretend we care.”

“How do you know I don’t?”

“What’s my name?”

“It’s…” he trailed off, making me chuckle before I took my shoes

on and found my phone on the floor next to the bottle of lube.
“You gonna tell me or not?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

I looked at him for another moment before I turned around to

leave, unlocking his door before I went outside. I called Liam
while I went down the stairs, stopping when I heard a phone
ringing from the living room. I made my way in there, seeing him
lying on the floor halfway on top of what I could only assume was
Zayn, their heavy flirting from last night having left them here
now.

“Liam,” I said, crouching down next to him before I ran a hand

through his hair.

He groaned in response, blinking his eyes open, and I could tell

he was just as confused as I had been. He moved away from Zayn
who was too far gone to wake up, and I looked towards Harry
when he came walking in, his duvet still wrapped around him.

“I thought you left,” he said, not sounding anything but confused.

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“I want Liam with me.”

He didn’t respond but walked closer to us before he poked Zayn

with his foot, doing it a few times before he started waking up.
Liam looked at him, but Zayn kept quiet and a painfully slow
moment passed where Liam was waiting for something that
wasn’t gonna happen. Zayn had no intentions of talking to him.
Liam and I were nothing but gay, but Zayn and Harry weren’t
really anything. Harry didn’t like the idea of labels and fucked
around with whoever he wanted to, not caring about genders
while Zayn acted straight during school, but was very much into
guys when he was drinking.

“Are you mad because I can’t remember your name?” Harry

asked.

“Do I seem mad?”

“A little.”

“I’m not.”

He hummed in response, not seeming to believe me, but I had no

intentions of messing around with him again, so whether or not
he knew my name wasn’t important.

“I told you he was a fuckboy,” Liam said.

“Sex is sex.”

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“I’m not a fuckboy,” Harry said, making me snort while I helped
Liam up on his feet, letting him take a moment to stand still so he
didn’t get dizzy from his obvious hangover.

“You don’t even remember his name,” Zayn chuckled.

Harry looked guilty, and I suppose it was understandable. He

didn’t want to come off as someone who fucked around, but he
also didn’t want people to think he was into relationships when
he so obviously wasn’t. He needed to find a balance between
being a good guy and someone who didn’t want more than sex,
and he did that by convincing people he wasn’t a fuckboy. You
didn’t need to be a stalker to see he had commitment issues, but
people were mostly too oblivious because Harry acted as though
he cared. I wasn’t different because he asked me if I was okay. I
was different because I could see right through him and therefore
knew he was only asking me to come off less careless than he
was.

“He doesn’t seem to care,” Harry said.

“Because I don’t,” I said, turning to face Liam again. “Let’s go.”

“I can’t find my shoes.”

“You can walk home without them.”

“My house is twenty minutes away.”

“Mine isn’t.”

“Do you think your mom will make pancakes for us?”

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“She’ll make you whatever you want, you know that.”

He smiled and gave up on his shoes, hesitating before he looked

at Zayn again. But he continued to ignore him, so Liam sighed
and gave up on him too, slipping his fingers in between mine as
we made our way outside. The fresh air was good for both of us,
but my thoughts were all over the place, and I couldn’t explain it.
I was uncomfortable with being unable to remember, having no
memory of what happened with Harry whatsoever. Harry Styles
was also the kind of trouble I shouldn’t get into, yet unlike the
rest of his conquests, I wasn’t gonna chase after him and act like
I could change his mind about wanting a relationship. Even if I
had wanted more, I was smart enough to know he wasn’t gonna
let anyone in just because they begged for his attention, not to talk
about how I wasn’t particularly keen on commitment myself.

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2

“You okay?” I asked Liam, the way he was continuously chewing

on his lip making me think he hadn’t just been flirting with Zayn
to flirt.

“Do you think I should talk to him?”

“Do you think you’d get anything out of it?”

Zayn had done this before, but he’d deny it if anyone asked him
about it, that being despite knowing people knew better than to
believe him. But people were intimidated by him the same way
they were intimidated by Harry, so no one dared to speak up, and
it wasn’t anyone’s business anyway. Zayn was clearly struggling
with his sexuality, and Liam hadn’t been any different, so he
could surely understand where Zayn was coming from when he
was trying to suppress his need to touch another guy. The alcohol
was a way for him to do as he pleased without needing to deal
with the consequences, simply blaming his actions on the alcohol
while it left Liam feeling used.

“I guess not,” he sighed.

“You were struggling too, babe.”

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He hummed in response, seeming to think back at his own
experience. He hadn’t needed to get drunk before he was willing
to let go because he refused to let go at all, kissing girls at parties
to suppress his urge to kiss boys. We had been best friends since
we were kids, so when he kissed me to figure out what he wanted,
I had let him, but he didn’t seem to come any closer to a
conclusion. I was his best friend and whether or not I was his
preferred gender, it felt weird, and I suppose that was to be
expected. He eventually understood that himself and felt
comfortable enough to come out, and I was rather relieved to see
him happy again and not constantly worrying about his sexuality.
I hadn’t been struggling nearly as much—once I felt the urge to
kiss boys instead of girls, I decided to go with whatever I wanted.
I eventually accepted that I was gay, and Liam had given me a
dildo in response to coming out to him, a joke I had enjoyed quite
a lot since then.

“Here you go,” my mom said as she put down a plate of pancakes
in front of us. “Honey?”

“Mmm?”

“I want you to meet the guy I’ve been dating.”

“Oh, the mystery man,” Liam teased, making us both chuckle.

He wasn’t wrong and not only had I never seen him, but I also
didn’t know his name. It had been four months, so I wasn’t
surprised she wanted me to meet him, but I also didn’t want her
to make a big deal of it. I was happy for her, and I wanted to know
who made her the kind of happy my dad never did. It was a nice

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change to see her excited and while she had never been anything
but content without my dad, this was a good kind of different.

“When?” I asked.

“Monday night.”

“Okay,” I said, stuffing pancake into my mouth while I wondered

what he was like.

My mom deserved the best, but I was sure she knew that herself,
and she wasn’t the kind of person who settled for anything less
than what she deserved.

“Do you need anything else for the hangover?”

“No, this is perfect,” I mumbled, my mouth full while Liam ate

too fast—I knew he was gonna throw up later, but I let him do as
he pleased, only to regret it when he was bent over the toilet an
hour later.

“Why didn’t you stop me from drinking so much?” he asked,

groaning when he leaned against the wall, letting me hand him a
glass of water.

“I think I was busy with a certain someone.”

“How was that anyway?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Yet?”

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“It’s a blur, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me later.”

He looked at me for another moment, closing his eyes when the

nausea came back. I grimaced when he threw up again and
escaped out of the bathroom before I started throwing up myself.

***

Liam went home during the afternoon. We usually spent Saturday

night together, but since he was too hungover to even come out
of the bathroom, it was better if he went home. I’d rather have
him throw up in his own bathroom than in mine.

Last night had gradually appeared in my mind, piece by piece

having left me wondering how I could forget an orgasm that good.
The flirting had been more limited than I thought, Harry barely
having gotten the word pretty out before I practically begged him
to bring me upstairs. I had been needy, but I think it turned him
on and perhaps it was easier to get into his pants than I first
anticipated. Either he had been unusually horny or people were
lying when they said they had to work for it. Harry didn’t
normally give in to anyone who wanted him, but rather those who
were beautiful in the way I wasn’t. But I had been pathetic enough
to beg and maybe that had been enough.

I slid further down the bed and reached up to touch my lips, taking
the bottom one between my fingers while I closed my eyes and
imagined his lips moving against mine. I nearly stuck out my
tongue as if I’d be able to feel his by doing so, the taste of alcohol
exploding in my mouth despite being without it. I rolled onto my

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stomach instead and took ahold of my pillow, burying my face in
it when I began thrusting against my mattress. I lifted my hips like
I did last night, trying to make someone who wasn’t there go
deeper, every memory of being with Harry invading my mind so
I couldn’t focus on anything else. I reached under myself and
tugged on my boxers enough to free my cock. I let it drag along
my sheets again and again while all I could think about was being
pounded into, the bruises on my hips evidence of how tight his
grip had been when he did just that.

I reached behind myself to slip a hand into my boxers, easily

pushing a few fingers inside myself as Harry had stretched me
enough for there to be almost no resistance. It wasn’t quite
enough, but nothing was gonna be enough when Harry had filled
me up so perfectly, pounding into me until I was seeing stars. It
was him all over again, and I was embarrassed about chasing my
orgasm while thinking about him, but I couldn’t help it. And when
I got there, I accidentally let his name slip out, my pillow muffling
it while I came on the sheets like I had done last night, wondering
what went through his mind when he decided to clean them.

I wondered if he thought about me the way I thought about him,

but even in my wildest dreams, the answer was still gonna be no.
The sex had been mind-blowing, and it had been pleasure beyond
pleasure, but whether or not he felt the same was forever gonna
be a mystery. The thought made me sigh in response, and it was
stupid because he wasn’t supposed to be more than a one-time
thing, but suddenly I was worried it wasn’t gonna be enough. But
instead of overthinking, I closed my eyes and let myself drift off
without cleaning up. I knew I’d regret it in the morning, but I was
too tired to care.

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3

“Oh, that’s definitely not helping,” Liam said, biting his lip as
Zayn walked past us in the cafeteria at lunch, his new haircut
being what Liam had referred to.

He was practically drooling, but I had to agree with him. I had

never thought of Zayn as someone I wanted sexually, but right
now I wouldn’t mind being the one he experimented with. It was
strange how something as simple as a haircut could do something
like that. Zayn was hot and there was no way around that, but his
haircut made me realise it all over again, yet in a different way.
Before he was adorably hot and now he was intimidatingly hot.

“Do you mind if I borrow him?” I teased.

“He’s not mine,” he said, eyes following him until he sat down
across from Harry at a table not far from ours. “But please let me
have him.”

“You’ll have to convince him first, won’t you?”

“I guess,” he sighed.

I had no intentions of messing around with Zayn when Liam

wanted him, but it was tempting either way. Yet neither of us

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would get anything out of trying unless he was drunk, and Zayn
usually didn’t go for the same guy twice, so the chance of Liam
getting another shot was pretty limited. I think he knew that
himself, but if I knew him well enough, he wasn’t gonna stop
trying until Zayn asked him to. He wasn’t gonna be inappropriate,
nor was he purposely gonna overstep any boundaries, but once he
wanted something, he was too determined to stop without a fight.
I felt bad for him, knowing Zayn was gonna be a challenge even
if he managed to get under his skin. He seemed like a good guy,
but he was struggling with his sexuality, and Liam wasn’t gonna
be thrilled with being a secret. Right now he didn’t seem to care
much about the outcome and his sexual needs were getting in the
way of his sensibility, but hopefully, he was smart enough to
make the right decision if he had to.

“It’s a bad idea to play games with people who can’t commit,” I
said.

“You can’t commit.”

“That’s not the point.”

“That’s exactly the point.”

“Why?”

“You’re like Zayn,” he said, making me frown before he

continued. “You don’t want love, but you’ll probably change your
mind when it comes to you.”

“It’s not gonna come to me.”

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“Why do you think that?”

“Love is…”

“Inevitable,” he interrupted. “You can’t avoid it, and someone’s

gonna get through to you eventually.”

“Love isn’t for me, Liam.”

“I don’t think you actually believe that.”

I looked away, always having convinced myself romance was

nothing but a childhood fantasy and something I had daydreamed
about when I was younger. I was old enough to understand the
consequences of love, and I wasn’t gonna get my heart broken
just because I decided to fall without knowing whether or not
there was gonna be someone there to catch me.

“Whatever.”

“Do you wanna know why I haven’t given up on it yet?”

“Sure.”

“I didn’t give up on him, Louis, he gave up on me. But I know

I’ll find someone who won’t. Not everyone is gonna break me
like he did.”

Liam had been heartbroken when his ex broke up with him, and I
think it was mostly because he had seen him as the love of his
life.

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“What’s your point?”

“I don’t want you to think it wasn’t worth it just because it hurt

afterwards.”

“Liam, I…”

“No, hear me out,” he interrupted, making me sigh before I let

him continue. “You want love as much as the next person, and I
know that because I know you. But you’re scared, and I get that.”

“Liam.”

“You got me through it,” he said, ignoring the fact that I didn’t
want to talk about it anymore. “I was a mess, but you were there
to get me through it. You told me I’d find someone else. Someone
who was gonna understand me and appreciate me and… you
knew he didn’t get me. You knew it wasn’t gonna last, but you
never told me that, because you knew how happy I was. And even
though you were right, I’ll never trade it for anything because
being in love with him was worth the pain that came afterwards.
I know you don’t see it that way, but you got me through it and if
you ever give it a try, I’ll be there to get you through it too.”

“I can’t force myself to fall in love, Liam. It doesn’t work like

that.”

I understood where he was coming from. His ex never treated him

badly. He treated him the way he deserved to be treated, but love
wasn’t enough, and he broke up with him before it became too
much. Not just for the sake of himself, but for Liam too. Liam
didn’t give up on people easily, and he always fought for what he

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wanted, so even though he knew a breakup was for the best, he
still accused his ex of giving up on him. I suppose he did, but
there was more behind it, and he did the right thing. Liam knew
it too, but he had been too in love to face reality. Their
relationship was falling apart and while they both knew it, his ex
was the one who broke up, because he knew Liam wasn’t going
to. That’s why he didn’t regret falling in love with him, but
whatever Liam felt and wanted me to feel wasn’t something I
intended on looking for.

“I’m not trying to force you into it. I know falling in love is
supposed to happen out of nowhere, so that you don’t force it. But
you could at least give a chance.”

“With who, Liam? It’s not like I can just snap my fingers and
have someone run into my arms.”

“That’s not true,” he smirked.

“I’m not going out with Niall.”

“He likes you.”

I sighed in response, a part of me knowing he was right while I

didn’t want to admit it. Niall was a good looking guy and, not to
mention we had messed around at a party a few months ago, but
unlike him, I didn’t want more.

“It’s awkward.”

“He’s trying so hard to impress you.”

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Niall wasn’t exactly the definition of tall and handsome, but he
was awkward and clumsy in an awfully cute way, yet he was
trying too hard. Maybe I’d have seen some kind of potential if he
didn’t go out of his way to impress me, but rather slowed down
and acted like himself. My fear of commitment had caused me to
be unable to see past his awkward behaviour. I knew his gestures
were sweet along with his personality, but no matter how much
Liam wanted it, I couldn’t force myself to fall for him.

“Let it go,” I chuckled.

“Fine.”

“You’re a very strange person, you know?”

“Why’s that.”

“You sort of make sense when you talk about love.”

“When do I not make sense?”

“This morning you claimed you could fight two-thousand bees.”

“And then you claimed you could fight the double.”

“I’m tougher than you.”

“You’re too small.”

“Shut up.”

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He chuckled in response and reached out to take his water bottle,
regretting it right before he got it. “Oh, god.”

I looked the same way he did, Zayn being in the middle of

changing his shirt in the middle of the cafeteria, Liam and I not
being the only ones who were looking. “Breathe, Liam.”

“I’m trying.”

“I really wish you hadn’t called dibs on him.”

“I’m gonna make him fall in love with me.”

“You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, Liam.”

“Do you really think he doesn’t want to change?”

“I don’t know.”

We kept looking at him even after he had gotten another shirt on,
Liam’s cheeks turning red when he caught us. Zayn didn’t tear
his eyes away, nor did Liam and for a moment I was sure they
had some form of connection, but I looked away as soon as Harry
looked our way. Instead, my eyes found Niall on accident, a few
of his friends sitting in front of him. He had escaped to them once
he and Harry had a falling out. Zayn had always been his best
friend, but Niall was second in line right until he wasn’t. They
said they grew apart, but everyone knew they didn’t. They had
been glued together and now they weren’t. It hadn’t happened
over time, but rather from one day to another, so it was obvious
something had happened, but it was no one’s business
whatsoever.

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 ***

“You alright, honey?” My mom asked, making me hum in

response.

I looked out of the window, watching the raindrops chase each

other on the glass. It was peaceful driving in the rain, my mom
humming along to the song that was playing on the radio while
my feelings were mixed. I was looking forward to meeting the
man who made her happy, but I had wanted it to be different and
not at a restaurant where you couldn’t escape if you needed to. I
had hoped for a quick meeting and not hours of conversation, but
I had a feeling there was something more going on. There was a
reason for why this was the way we were doing it, and I was afraid
a four-month relationship was about to turn into a marriage.

“Does he have kids?” I asked, realising she hadn’t told me yet.

Maybe they weren’t getting married, but they could be moving in

together, and I was used to being the only kid in the house, so if
he had a handful of kids, I needed to be prepared.

“Yes.”

“How many?”

“Two.”

“That’s not too bad,” I said, making her chuckle in response

before she told me they were twenty and seventeen, which was

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quite a relief. I didn’t have anything against kids, but they were
loud, and I’d rather live without them. “Are they both living at
home?”

“Yes,” she said. “Do you wanna be as prepared as you can get?”

“Yes, please.”

“The eldest has a ten-month-old daughter. She’s raising her at

home.”

“A daughter?”

She hummed in response while I slid further down my seat. I

never wanted to judge people beforehand, but it was early to have
a daughter at twenty years old, not to talk about how she was
already ten months old.

“Her dad didn’t want her, but she did, and I think that’s amazing.”

“Where is he now?”

“He left.”

I didn’t know what else to say so I kept quiet and turned to look
out of the window again. I let the music drown out the silence
until my mom stopped the car, both of us hurrying inside so we
didn’t get too wet, the restaurant a bit fancier than I first
anticipated. I took off my jacket while a waitress showed us to the
table, my eyebrows shooting in the air when we stopped in front
of it, his name slipping out before I could stop it.

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“Harry?”

23
4

“You two know each other?” My mom asked.

“We share pretty much all our classes,” Harry said, making me
frown in response.

I knew this, but Harry didn’t remember my name, so I hadn’t

expected him to know the number of classes we shared. It also
seemed to be a lot harder to look him in the eyes now that I could
remember what happened between us. Not only had I had sex
with him, but I had gotten off to the thought of it too and his smirk
made me focus on his lips and suddenly all I could think about
was his tongue in my mouth.

“That’s quite a coincidence,” his dad said.

I smiled in response and my mom introduced me to him before he

introduced me to Harry’s older sister and her daughter, Sophie. It
wasn’t until then I realized Harry was sitting with a baby, her
small hands wrapped around his fingers.

“How about you take a seat?” Harry asked, smiling at us while he

put Sophie into the high chair at the end of the table, him and
Gemma sitting on each their side of her.

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Desmond was sitting next to Gemma, so I sat down next to Harry
so my mom could sit at the end. There was something bizarre
about this situation, Harry sitting right next to me while all I could
think about was how I had slept with someone who was
potentially gonna be my stepbrother.

“Let’s see what they have,” Gemma said, passing down the menu-
cards so we could see what we wanted.

I ended up ordering a pizza while Harry did the same, Gemma,

Desmond and my mom all choosing something fancier now that
they were here. We small-talked until the food came, the basic
details being settled and while Gemma and Desmond seemed like
nice people, it was still a lot to get used to. Sophie was adorable,
switching between wanting Gemma’s and Harry’s attention,
almost as if she couldn’t make up her mind, and I was watching
her as her big, green eyes followed them in turns.

“So it’s Louis, yeah?” Harry asked from next to me, making me
snort as I looked at him, the others seeming too distracted to pay
attention to us.

“Yes.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked me out yet.”

I rolled my eyes at his obvious narcissism, but at the same time, I

didn’t blame him for expecting me to ask him out. I knew how
people got after having had him and having had him myself, I
understood why people wanted him more than once.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not interested.”

25
“Really?”

“Really.”

“That’s… refreshing.”

I snorted, but I suppose it was understandable. I could tell he

wasn’t very fond of rejecting people, but he had to when he
wasn’t looking for anything serious. It must have been a relief to
get away with having sex without needing to reject someone who
wanted more. I wasn’t sure whether or not he believed me, but I
didn’t need him to.

“Do you have a girlfriend, Louis?”

I looked at Desmond, knowing we had already covered the basic

facts, so now he was asking harmless questions to get to know
me. I appreciated his interest, but I was still trying to process he
was Harry’s dad and small-talk was honestly the last thing I
wanted when I knew this dinner wasn’t gonna end the way I
wanted it to.

“No,” I said.

“He’s gay, dad,” Harry said, making me raise my eyebrows

before I took a sip of my soda, trying to hide the sudden redness
of my cheeks—no matter how careless I was when it came to
people knowing about my sexuality, he still had no right to tell
people. “That was inappropriate, wasn’t it?”

“Very,” I said.

26
“Are you two close?” Gemma asked, seeming to recognise the
tension between us. I don’t think she knew what it consisted of,
but both Harry and I knew it was nothing but sexual.

“No,” Harry said.

“But you know he’s gay?”

“Yes.”

Gemma looked suspicious, which didn’t surprise me because

Harry wasn’t particularly subtle when he didn’t want to give a
proper explanation. He might not have cared, but I did. My mom
deserved to be happy, and I wasn’t about to admit that Harry had
fucked me, nor was I gonna let him do it.

“Everyone knows,” I said. “It’s High School.”

“Right, of course.”

She sounded like she had genuinely forgotten what it was like to
be in High School, that not making much sense when she was
only three years older than us. But I let it go, looking at Harry
again who was smirking just enough for me to see it. Perhaps he
didn’t necessarily want to be caught, but he got off on almost, and
it was obvious. I smiled at the thought of it and took another sip
of my soda to hide it.

“So there’s no boyfriend either?” Desmond asked.

27
I told him no, another stream of harmless questions following,
some of them harder to answer than others. I could tell he and my
mom were planning on telling us something, but they dragged it
out, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted them to. It was all I could think
about while we ate, so a part of me wanted them to tell us, yet
another wanted them to postpone it because I wasn’t sure I could
handle it.

“We’re eating at a restaurant for a reason, right?” Harry asked,

finally asking the question I had been afraid of asking.

“Yes, we have something to tell you,” my mom began. “We’re

both aware of how four months isn’t very long, but we’re not
getting any younger.”

“Are you getting married?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s not gonna be anything big, don’t worry.”

“It’s a marriage, Mom. It’s a big thing even if the party isn’t.”

“I know, honey.”

I let her take my hand, but I had a hard time processing it. I don’t
think it was because she was getting married. I think it was the
simple fact that Harry Styles was gonna be my stepbrother.

“Does this mean they’re moving in?” Gemma asked, the

questions in itself very simple, but I could tell I wasn’t the only
one who wasn’t particularly fond of the idea.

“Yes,” Desmond said.

28
“It’s not because I’m against it,” Gemma said. “It’s just a big
adjustment.”

“Louis, honey, what are you thinking?” My mom asked.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Can I… I need some air.”

“That’s okay.”

I got up to leave, and it wasn’t until I got outside I felt like I could
breathe again. It was a lot to take in at once and no matter how
much I had prepared myself for it, it hadn’t been enough. I didn’t
necessarily mind living with more people than my mom, but this
wasn’t just that. It was four other people, one of them already
having decided it was gonna be a big adjustment while I had let
her younger brother fuck me into oblivion. I was moving out of
my childhood home and straight into something that couldn’t
possibly be anything but chaotic. I was happy for my mom
because she deserved this, but my life was being turned upside
down, and I needed a moment to breathe.

I put my jacket down on a bench outside the restaurant,

preventing my jeans from getting wet when I sat down. I rested
my elbows right above my knees and hid my face in my hands,
looking up when my mom sat down next to me, her jacket being
long enough for her to sit on it while wearing it.

“I know it’s a big adjustment, honey.”

I looked at her, some form of guilt settling within me when I

thought about Harry. I don’t think it came from having slept with

29
him, but from knowing I would have done it even if I had known
my mom was dating his dad. I had been drunk and needy, and
Harry was there, wanting me and calling me pretty. I would have
let him have me even if I had known and for a moment I
considered telling her, but I knew nothing good would come out
of it. I was afraid she’d worry about it and constantly make sure
we kept our distance, and I couldn’t leave her with that concern.

“I’m happy for you,” I said.

“You have to tell me if this is gonna make you unhappy.”

“It’s not, mom,” I said. “It’s just a lot to take in.”

“I know.”

“It has always just been the two of us.”

“Change isn’t always bad.”

“No, I know that, but two is turning into six, and I have to move
out of my childhood home.”

She sighed in response, and I smiled when she took my hand,

neither of us knowing what else to say. I think she understood
where I was coming from and why I needed a moment to take it
in, but she also knew I’d come around quickly enough.

30
5

I woke up with a headache Tuesday morning, snuggling further

into my duvet after I had turned off my alarm. Even the bit of
sunlight that was visible around the edge of my curtain was
enough to make me close my eyes again. I had spent most of the
night turning everything over in my head, but no matter how
much I tried, I couldn’t get used to the idea of living with Harry.
Or perhaps it was the fear of wanting more. Not being allowed to
touch him was gonna make me want to do it again, simply
because the idea of it turned me on.

My mom had already left for work, and I sighed in relief as it gave
me the option to skip first period. I could usually deal with school
despite having a headache, but not when the first class was PE,
and I hadn’t gotten the amount of sleep I should. I took a couple
of painkillers before I got in the shower, standing there for longer
than what was necessary, showers always allowing me to clear
my head.

It was clear to me that if Harry was equally as turned on by the

thought of it, I’d let him have me again. I’d break the rules if I
was unable to control myself, and I suppose that was what
worried me the most. At the same it was awfully unlikely that
Harry wanted me again as he never went for the same person
twice, him and Zayn having that in common. It made sense

31
enough for me to understand it, Harry not wanting to give anyone
false hope by sleeping with them more than once, and I doubt I
was gonna be the exception just because I told him I wasn’t
interested in dating him. He didn’t trust me, so as far as he knew,
I could’ve acted uninterested to make him interested. It wasn’t the
case, but Harry didn’t know me well enough to tell lies apart from
the truth.

Liam didn’t have PE with me, but I texted him anyway, knowing
he was gonna be confused if I didn’t show up at his locker before
class. I smiled at the smiley he sent back, the fact that it was
crying reminding me how I felt when I didn’t get to see him in
the morning. It was disappointing when it was a routine for us. I
hadn’t told him about dinner last night because I knew he was
gonna tease me about it and remind me how awkward it could
potentially turn out to be. I was gonna find it funny eventually,
but last night I had needed time to take it in without his comments.

The hallways were empty when I got to school as I had gotten

there twenty minutes before first period ended. I sat down against
the lockers and pulled my laptop out of my backpack and onto my
lap, deciding to start on the essay I had postponed for too long. I
couldn’t get very far in twenty minutes when I needed to do
research too, and I had barely written down the first sentence
when I heard footsteps, looking up to see Harry in his gym
clothes.

“Skipping class, are we?” he asked.

“Something like that.”

32
He hummed in response and went into the bathroom across the
hall, once again making me wonder why there wasn’t a bathroom
in the locker room. It was inconvenient and especially now that
Harry was the last person I wanted to see. I didn’t write a single
word during the two minutes he was out there, yet I still refused
to look up when he walked out again.

“You know you don’t have to feel guilty, right?”

“Yes.”

“We didn’t know, Louis.”

“Shut up.”

“Why are you acting like it’s all my fault?”

“I’m not.”

“Louis—”

“Would you just shut up already?” I snapped, looking up at him

to see him raise his eyebrows. “You barely have to adjust to this,
Harry.”

“You don’t think it’s gonna affect me?”

I never implied I was the only one needing to adjust. Harry was
used to his own family, not to talk about routines and it was gonna
affect him too. Maybe I was selfish for feeling like the situation
was worse for me than it was for him, but he needed to see it from
my perspective.

33
“I didn’t say that,” I sighed, “but you get to stay where you are.”

“Two strangers are moving into my house, Louis.”

“We’re hardly strangers—you know what I sound like when I get

fucked.” He smirked just enough for me to see it, and I couldn’t
hold a smile back, having let the words slip out before I even
realised it. “My point is, you have to adjust to two while I have to
adjust to four.”

“Sophie is barely a person yet.”

“Harry.”

“Just tell me how you’re feeling.”

I sighed in response and let him sit down next to me. Harry was
far from being the guy who shared his feelings, so I don’t know
why he expected me to pour my heart out to him.

“I’m not gonna talk about my feelings. We don’t even know each
other.”

“I’ve seen you naked.”

“Shut up.”

“You’ve got a really nice ass.”

“Harry.”

34
My voice was firm, but I could feel the heat rush into my cheek
anyway, getting a chuckle in response when he noticed it.

“Tell me about your feelings.”

“It’s just the basics, isn’t it?” I asked. “I don’t have any siblings,
nor do I know who my dad is. He’s never been around, so it has
always just been my mom and me. Not only am I moving out of
my childhood home, but I’m also moving in with four people I
don’t know. One of them doesn’t like the idea of it, another has
fucked me, and the tiny human you don’t count as a person is a
baby, and babies cry.”

“That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” I closed my laptop and rested
my head against the locker behind me. “I don’t know what to
say.”

“Then don’t say anything.”

He sighed in response, knowing as well as me that nothing was

gonna change the way I felt about the situation. Yet I still looked
at him when he started talking, a part of me hoping he’d convince
me it was gonna be okay.

“I get it now,” he began, “that it’s more difficult for you than it is
for me, but don’t you think it’ll work out just fine?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll make it feel like home.”

35
I snorted, but I couldn’t help but feel somewhat relieved by his
words. I could tell he was being genuine and perhaps that was all
I needed from him. “I’m serious, Louis—we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay.”

“I should get back.”

“Right.”

He got up to leave, leaving me to myself while I watched him

walk down the hall, his ass looking rather good in a pair of gym
shorts.

***

I wasn’t against my mom’s decision, nor was I gonna take away

her newfound happiness, but it was going too fast. I wasn’t gonna
tell her that, but I was sitting on my bed, wondering where to start
simply because I didn’t want to start. And I had been sitting there
for two hours when Liam finally came over.

“Why are you just sitting there?”

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“How about you build the boxes first?”

“Right.”

36
I sighed and slipped down to sit on the floor instead, watching
Liam do the same before he took one of the moving boxes in his
hands.

“Why are you doing this already?”

“We’re moving Saturday.”

I took one of the boxes while Liam frowned in response to my

words. I didn’t blame him for thinking it was going too fast
because it was. I had been on my best behaviour, and I don’t think
my mom was suspecting anything, but for the first time since
yesterday, I felt like I was suffocating. I hadn’t been prepared for
packing down my room yet, but now I was building moving boxes
because my mom was rushing me into something I didn’t want.

“I love your mom, but this is going very fast.”

“I know.”

“You know she’ll do anything for you, right? All you have to do
is tell her it’s going too fast.”

I was gonna stay quiet simply because her happiness meant the
world to me, and I couldn’t let her down by telling her I couldn’t
keep up.

“It doesn’t matter, Liam.”

He didn’t say anything but continued building boxes. When I told

him it was Harry’s dad, he reacted the way I had expected him to.
He didn’t believe me at first, but once he realised I was telling

37
him the truth, he started joking around. Beforehand I thought I’d
have snapped at him and told him to shut up, but it was almost
refreshing to hear his jokes, and it released some of the tension I
hadn’t been able to get rid of. I didn’t have a problem with seeing
the fun in it, but I was scared all at the same time because
everything had always been the same. I wasn’t used to change, at
least not to this extent, so it was terrifying.

“Where do you want me to start?”

“Wherever you feel like.”

“Do you need anything in your bedside table before Saturday?”

“I don’t think so.”

He didn’t respond, but crawled towards my bedside table and

opened the top drawer. Packing down my room was gonna be
weird and at first, I had wanted to postpone it until the very last
moment, but I knew I needed to help my mom with the rest of the
house during the rest of the week, so it was better to get it out of
the way.

“Do you want these in a separate box?” he asked, making me look

at him to see a box of condoms in his hand.

“Just put them on the bed for now. I’ll figure something out later.”

I’d rather keep them with my bathroom stuff, knowing it would

end up being too confusing if I didn’t. Neither Liam nor I were
organised in any way, so everything was gonna end up in random
boxes, but I couldn’t risk letting my mom find a box of condoms

38
if she decided to help me unpack, especially not when it was half
empty.

“You’re almost out of lube.”

“I know,” I said. “Put it with the condoms.”

“And this?”

I looked at him, chuckling in response to the way he was holding

my dildo, two fingers only as he didn’t want to touch more than
what was necessary. “You afraid of it or something?”

“It’s been inside you,” he said. “I’d rather not touch it.”

“Then put it down.”

“Right,” he chuckled, putting it down next to the condoms and

the lube while I opened my closet.

I put away the clothes I needed for the rest of the week before I
put the rest in boxes along with my shoes. It wasn’t exhausting to
pack down my room, but it was strange being left with nothing
but empty furniture and a bunch of boxes.

39
6

My new room was bigger than the old one, and I was lying on my
mattress on the floor, looking into the ceiling while Harry and
Gemma rebuild my bed after having rebuilt my closet. Their
house was bigger for obvious reasons, but I already missed the
cosiness of living in a small house, alone the fact that my room
was now upstairs being something I wasn’t used to. There was a
safety gate at the top of the stairs along with the bottom, and I had
a feeling I was gonna need instructions on how they worked.
There were still glow-in-the-dark-stars stuck to the ceiling as it
had been Gemma’s old room when she was younger. Desmond
had told me they hadn’t come around to take them down yet, but
I was planning on keeping them up. It reminded me of my ceiling
from when I was a kid myself and that made me feel more home
than anything else.

I was wondering where my mind was gonna take me when I knew

Harry was constantly gonna be right across the hall. I hadn’t
noticed it when I talked to him Tuesday morning, but now there
was a noticeable tension between us. We had been sitting at each
our table during lunch when I first noticed it and the way he was
looking at me made me want to do certain and very inappropriate
things to him. He knew it too and the sexual tension was getting
to him the same way it was getting to me, but while he seemed
more confused about it than I did, he also didn’t act like it

40
bothered him. He wasn’t particularly subtle when he looked at my
ass, but I also didn’t have an urge to ask him to stop.

“You want me to get her?” Harry asked when Sophie’s crying

could be heard through the baby monitor.

I looked towards them when Gemma told him yes, and Harry got
up, letting Gemma continue with whatever she was doing. I
looked back into the ceiling while he went to get her, continuing
to think everything through and for the first time since they told
us, I felt like it was gonna work out okay. Maybe it was because
I had processed it by now or maybe it was because the stars in the
ceiling reminded me of home.

“You feeling okay?” Gemma asked.

“I think so.”

“It’s weird, you know? Our dad hasn’t been this serious since our
mom, so it’s gonna be quite an adjustment to have your mom
around.”

“They seem happy.”

“Very,” she said. “I think we both like her. And you too.”

“I didn’t think you did.”

“I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. It has just been a long
time since I’ve had a mother figure, so it’s gonna be strange.”

“Guess we have something in common, then.”

41
She reminded me of the simple fact that I was gonna have a
stepdad while never having had a father figure. I hadn’t thought
about it until now, but that was gonna be an adjustment too.

“You don’t have a dad?”

“I do,” I said. “I just don’t know who he is.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“You don’t like talking about it, do you?”

“Not really.”

It had never been a problem for me to mention I had never known

my dad, but it wasn’t a topic I wanted to talk about in detail. There
weren’t any details either way. My mom had offered them to me,
but I had refused to let her tell me anything, nor show me the
pictures I knew she had. Maybe I’d get there someday, but despite
being seventeen, I didn’t need to know who he was yet.

“Our mom died, you know? She was in a car accident when I was
fifteen, and… it’s not easy to talk about, but it helps.”

“I don’t have anything to talk about, Gemma. I have no idea who

he is.”

“I’m sorry.” I sighed in response, deciding not to answer her

while I kept looking into the ceiling.

42
“I wanna keep the stars,” I said. “I can do that, right?”

“Yes,” Harry said. I looked up at him as he walked in with Sophie,

smiling when he put her down on the mattress. “You stay right
here with Louis.”

“What’s with the voice?” I asked.

“It’s my baby-voice.”

“Right,” I chuckled, focusing on Sophie as she took her pacifier

out only to put it back in her mouth.

Harry sat down on the floor again, and I let Sophie crawl onto me,
not a single part of her being shy like I had expected her to be.
Harry got back to work while I helped Sophie sit down on my
stomach, the strings on my hoodie between her fingers before I
even realised it. She was adorable, her green eyes a spitting image
of Harry’s and most likely Gemma’s too. I had been close enough
to see Harry’s but not Gemma’s.

“There we go,” Gemma said, making me look at them to see them

get up from the floor. They pushed the bed into place against the
wall before they looked towards us. “You’re not heavy, are you?”

“What?” I asked.

“He’s not,” Harry said.

“How do you know that?”

43
He looked at Gemma, realising he needed to come up with an
explanation that didn’t involve the truth. The truth about how he
had lifted me up as soon as we got into his room, only to throw
me onto his bed so he could get my clothes off me.

“Does he look heavy to you?”

“No, I guess not.”

Harry looked back at me, and I smiled in response to his excuse,

him and Gemma making their way to the mattress so they could
take a side each. “Don’t let her fall.”

“You know I can just get off, right?”

“This is more fun,” Harry said.

I took hold of Sophie to keep her steady while they lifted the
mattress, making me chuckle before they put it into the bed.

“Do you need anything else?” Gemma asked.

“Sex,” I said. “I need sex.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she chuckled.

Harry licked his lips while he looked at me. The thought crossed
my mind, but it certainly wasn’t why I had said it, having joked
my way out of an uncomfortable situation. I suppose I was in the
need of some alone time, but I didn’t want to tell them that. I
needed to sort out my boxes before dinner because I knew I

44
wasn’t gonna do it afterwards and if I didn’t do it today, I was
gonna continue postponing it.

“I do need an extension cord.”

“I have an extra,” Harry said, gesturing for me to follow him.

I got up and handed Sophie over to Gemma who gladly took her.
I followed Harry out of my room and into his, letting him find the
extension cord while I looked around. His room brought back
memories I needed to forget but couldn’t. Alone the scent of his
room made me remember how well he had fucked me, the scent
from his pillow seeming to be stuck in my mind as I had been
burying my face into it while he pounded into me. I closed my
eyes to keep myself from getting aroused by the thought of it, my
jeans being too tight to hide an erection if I happened to get one.

“You okay?”

“Hm?” I opened my eyes again, a frown on his face as he handed

me the extension cord. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I just… forgot I had already been in here.”

He smirked in response, neither of us seeming to have forgotten

what happened. He didn’t remember my name, and I didn’t
remember the details until my memory came back, but it sure
seemed like something quite unforgettable. Harry had never been
into being with someone more than once, but he wouldn’t hesitate
with taking me again. I could see it in his eyes.

45
“You have pretty eyes,” he said, my eyebrows shooting in the
eyes. “I just thought you should know.”

“I’m gonna go,” I said, making him chuckle before I left his room,
Gemma having left mine when I came back.

I sighed when I sat down on my bed, looking into the nearly

empty room before I got up again. I pushed my bedside table into
place before I plugged the extension cord in, plugging in the lamp
for the bedside table while I wondered where I had left my
chargers. I opened the window afterwards and even looking
outside was different from what I was used to now that I was up
higher. The view was better from here though. My window was
facing the streets before and now it was facing the backyard, that
being bigger too.

There was a swing set next to not only one, but two trampolines.
One of them was buried into the ground while the other was
bigger and square. I could only imagine they had used the one in
the ground when they were younger, and Harry most likely used
the other for the same flips he did during PE, and it made me smile
that I could shamelessly watch him do it from my window. I think
he was the kind of person who did it shirtless, and I also think he
was the kind of person who walked around in nothing but his
boxers for no apparent reason. The idea of it was exciting, but at
the same time, it was dangerous when I knew how he looked half-
naked. It was gonna be painfully obvious if I started staring at
him, let alone if I needed to escape simply because his body made
me horny.

46
I sighed and sat back down on my bed, wondering if I was ever
gonna escape from these thoughts. I had never felt like this after
having had sex. I was admittedly more like Harry than I first
thought and sex wasn’t something I was willing to do multiple
times with the same person either. I understood where Harry was
coming from, but I had never needed to deal with rejection like
he had. There weren’t a lot of gay kids at our school, or at least
not any who were already out, so the people I had slept with were
mostly guys from bars that Liam and I had actually managed to
get into with our fake ID’s. But then there was Niall, and I knew
if I decided to mess around with him again, I’d accidentally give
him false hope, and I couldn’t do that. But it was different with
Harry because I did want him again and if our parents weren’t
about to get married, I wouldn’t have had a problem with asking
him if I could please have more. It embarrassed me that I’d be
willing to beg for it, but it was the truth, and I’d practically give
up everything to have an orgasm that good again. But I’d rather
not put my mom’s happiness at risk.

47
7

We had pizza for dinner, that being what was easiest since it was
moving day, and we gathered around in the living room to watch
a movie while we ate. It was strange and unfamiliar to be so many
people gathered around at the same time, but it was unusually
nice. I suppose my mom was right about change being good, and
while I still needed to get used to it, I was almost positive it was
gonna be okay to live here.

“What are the rules on having friends over?” I asked.

“Depends on the amount,” Desmond said.

“I’ve only got one.”

“Have him over any time you want.”

“Does that count for tonight too? Cause we usually spend

Saturday night together.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

48
I finished eating before I texted Liam that he could come over,
sending him the address when he told me he couldn’t remember
it. I left to go back upstairs before the movie was over, needing to
sort out a few things before Liam came. I had asked for another
extension cord when I realised I needed an extra for my tv and
PlayStation, and I wondered where the ones I used at home went.
I was sure I had packed them, but I had looked through all my
boxes while unpacking, and they were nowhere to be found.

“Louis?” I looked up to see Harry standing in the door with a

couple of red plastic boxes. “Your mom said you forgot these in
the car.”

“Thank you,” I said, letting him put them down on my bed.

“You’re welcome.”

I opened one of them and sighed in relief at the sight of my

chargers and my controllers as I had forgotten where I had left
them. I was about to open the other when I remembered what was
in it, the knowledge making me look up at Harry.

“She didn’t open them, did she?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Good.”

I pushed the box aside, but Harry followed it with his eyes before
he reached out for it. I was about to stop him but decided it wasn’t
a big deal. He took off the lid and raised his eyebrows in response
to the content of the box. He turned it upside down and let all of

49
it fall out, toothbrush, toothpaste and soap going first, followed
by a pack of razors, the box of condoms, the almost empty bottle
of lube and the dildo I hadn’t wanted my mom to see.

“How often do you have sex?” he asked, almost making me

chuckle at his bluntness while he picked up the dildo to turn it
around in his hand.

I watched him do it, wondering how Liam could be so against

touching it when Harry didn’t, but perhaps it was because he had
already had his fingers inside me. “A bit personal, isn’t it?”

“Just wanna know why you’re in need of this.”

“Probably because I don’t have sex as often as you do.”

I had sex often enough, but I suppose our definitions of often

enough were different. As far as I knew once a week was often
enough for Harry, but for me, it was more like once a month if
not less because I wasn’t particularly needy when it came to sex.
Harry had made me unusually needy, but I had kept the dildo for
a reason, and it had been enough until now. Now I needed more
and not just anything, but Harry. I also knew often enough would
change into much more than just once a month if a got a
boyfriend. Right now it was stranger after stranger, but if I found
someone I wanted all the time, there was no guarantee I could
even keep it to once a day.

“How much sex do you think I have?” he asked.

“A lot.”

50
“Right,” he said, his expression turning into something I couldn’t
tell what was, making me frown while he looked down.

Maybe I had accidentally hit him where it hurt.

“I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t,” he said. “I know you’re not the only one thinking
that. But you need to understand that some people exaggerate
when they tell a story. I’m not saying I haven’t had my share of
sex, but it’s different from what people think.”

“How?”

“I used to sleep around, but I don’t anymore. I’ve also been with
more guys than I’ve been with girls, but people think it’s the other
way around. And they think that because half the girls I’ve kissed
tell their friends we had sex when we didn’t. I just don’t care
enough to put up an argument because it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry.”

I had been wrong, but maybe it was because I didn’t see the point
in telling people I had slept with someone if I hadn’t. If half the
people who claimed they had been with him hadn’t, then the
number was a lot smaller than I first anticipated. People felt
stupidly proud when they had slept with him, so I suppose it
wasn’t a surprise that someone was lying about it, and especially
not when Harry didn’t care enough to tell people it wasn’t true.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Did you tell anyone?”

51
“I don’t have any friends to tell, Harry. And even if I did, I don’t
really have a need to tell people I’ve slept with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not very fond of being one of your conquests.”

“Do you regret it?”

“That’s not what I said, I just… I didn’t want to be just another

one. And that doesn’t mean I want to date you, it just means I…
I don’t know.”

“You’re not just another one, Louis.”

“No, cause I’m almost your stepbrother.”

“That’s not why,” he said, smirking slightly before he continued.

“You’re the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Really?”

“Really. And considering the way you were moaning my name,

I’d say you enjoyed it too.”

I snorted, but I could feel my cheeks turning red, and I wasn’t sure
what to say. The sexual tension was enough to practically tear me
apart, and he was shamelessly staring at my lips while licking his
own. For a moment I thought he was about to go for it, but then I
heard Liam’s voice, and we both snapped out of it.

52
“Your mom let me in,” he said, looking around my room. “This
room is huge.”

“I know.”

“You mind moving your dildo, so I can sit down?”

I snorted, but put it back in the box along with the rest of it, letting
him sit down next to me.

“I should leave,” Harry said, only just getting up when Liam

stopped him.

“I have a question?”

“Go on.”

“What’s the deal with Zayn?”

I rolled my eyes, not having expected him to ask Harry, yet I still
wasn’t all that surprised about it.

“What do you mean?”

“I think I might fancy him.”

I sighed in response, not understanding why he was telling Harry

how he felt for Zayn when they were best friends. He couldn’t be
sure Harry wasn’t gonna tell him, but perhaps that was what he
wanted. If Harry told him, Liam didn’t need to look at Zayn while
he decided what he wanted. The fact that he wanted to do it this

53
way was proof that he didn’t believe Zayn was gonna do anything
but reject him, but a part of him was still hoping he wouldn’t.

“Zayn doesn’t want love,” Harry said.

“I don’t believe that.”

“He’s not gay.”

Harry looked at me when I snorted, his expression letting me

know I should keep quiet. Harry knew Zayn was struggling, but
Zayn had probably told him to deny it if anyone accused him of
being gay. I don’t think it mattered that Liam had kissed him
because Harry wasn’t allowed to say anything.

“But he—”

“Liam, just let it go,” I interrupted, making him shut up before

Harry left my room, closing the door behind him.

“He seems cheerful,” he teased.

“He’s a good person.”

“You’re not gonna sleep with him again, are you?”

“That would be very inappropriate.”

I got up to distract myself from how much I wanted to go across

the hall and touch every inch of him.

“Louis.”

54
“I’m not gonna sleep with him, Liam.”

“If you say so.”

He got comfortable instead while I took the plastic boxes from

my bed and put them on the floor instead. I sat down next to him
against the headboard, pulling my duvet over us both before I
turned on the tv and scrolled through Netflix.

“What do you wanna watch?”

“A horror movie.”

“You serious?”

“I’m here all night, Lou.”

I hesitated but handed him the remote so he could find one. I

wasn’t a fan of horror movies, but I always seemed to give into
him when I knew he was gonna sleep next to me. It took him a
couple of minutes to find one, and we weren’t more than a few
minutes in when someone knocked on the door, Liam pausing the
movie while I told whoever it was to come in. Gemma showed up
with a bowl of popcorn and two cans of soda, both of us smiling
when Sophie crawled after her into my room.

“I made you popcorn,” she said, handing me the bowl before she
put the sodas down on my bedside table and picked up Sophie.

“Thank you,” I said.

55
“Don’t starve yourself just because you’re afraid of the kitchen.”

I couldn’t deny it made me uncomfortable to take food from the

kitchen, but I knew I needed to act like I did at home because this
was gonna be my home from now on.

“I won’t,” I chuckled.

“Good,” she said, sending me a smile before he left again.

“She seems nice,” Liam said as he took a handful of popcorn.

“She is.”

I think Gemma was trying to make me feel at home. Perhaps she

could tell I wasn’t completely comfortable with moving in. It was
only the first day, but I wasn’t as worried as I was before moving
in. It was still very fast, but I could tell my mom was happy, and
that was all that mattered.

56
8

I woke up to the sound of knocking, and I groaned before I

snuggled further into Liam and pulled my duvet over my head. I
could hear my door open, but I stayed under my duvet until it was
pulled off me, a whine escaping me.

“There’s breakfast,” Harry said.

“I’m sleeping.”

He sat down on my bed, and I ignored him until I realised he

wasn’t gonna leave. I turned around in Liam’s arms so I could
look at him, Sophie leaning against him with her pacifier in her
mouth. I let her wrap a hand around my finger when she reached
out for me, making Harry smile.

“I think she likes you.”

“She’s sweet,” I said. “But you can’t persuade me with her.”

“We do brunch on Sundays.”

“I’m not a part of your family, so I don’t have to do brunch.”

57
“It’s just breakfast, Louis. No one is asking you to become a
Styles.”

I snorted in response and made Sophie let go of my finger so I

could roll onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. “If
taking your last name is optional, then so is brunch.”

I already knew my mom was gonna change her last name to

Styles, but I was sticking with Tomlinson. I don’t think she
expected me not to, yet I knew the question would come up
eventually. Even if I’d feel weird about being the only one with a
different last name, I’d feel even weirder if I was named Styles.
Not because I couldn’t adjust to it, but because I had slept with
Harry and becoming his stepbrother was strange enough as it was.

“I make really good pancakes.”

“Good for you.”

“Louis, come on.”

“I just moved in, Harry. I’ll do brunch next Sunday.”

“We’re not home next Sunday.”

I turned around again, the we making me wonder if I had missed

out on certain information. “What?”

“We’re going on a weekend trip to celebrate the engagement.”

I sighed in response and took Sophie’s pacifier when she gave it

to me. A weekend trip wasn’t the end of the world, but I still felt

58
like everything was happening too fast. They hadn’t set a wedding
date yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was sooner than we
expected.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know. But we’re staying at a hotel, so we’re probably

going out.”

“And how does that work? Do we get a room each or—”

“No,” he interrupted, “there are only three rooms, and Gemma is

staying with Sophie.”

“So you and I…?” I trailed off, avoiding eye contact with him
while Sophie crawled closer to me.

“Yeah.”

“Perfect,” I sighed, an uneasy feeling settling within me when I

thought about it. I wasn’t against the idea, but I suppose that was
the problem.

“We can do that, can’t we?” he asked.

“Are you doubting your ability to keep your hands to yourself?”

“More like your ability.”

“You surely think highly of yourself.”

“You’d do it again, wouldn’t you? If we could?”

59
“We still can,” I point out, making him raise his eyebrows before
I looked at Sophie instead. “We’d just get in trouble.”

“Trouble is fun.”

I smiled in response, but despite knowing he was right, I couldn’t

go there. It would be a rush, but that was the problem because I
wasn’t necessarily gonna feel guilty until afterwards.

“You’re out of your mind.”

“It was good sex.”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t.”

“You two need to shut up,” Liam groaned, turning around to face
the other way instead.

I chuckled in response while Harry gave up on trying to get me

with him downstairs. He picked up Sophie instead, and I handed
him the pacifier before he left my room.

***

“Did you know he could do that?” Liam asked, both of us

watching Harry as he did flips on the trampoline.

Gemma had left us with Sophie who was crawling around on the
trampoline that Liam and I were lying on. I don’t think either of
us had a problem with it as Sophie seemed to be easy to deal with.

60
It was still somewhat strange to be here, and I felt like I didn’t
belong. Almost as if I had snuck into their backyard to watch
Harry for the sake of my own pleasure.

“He does it during PE too.”

I hadn’t seen him do the majority of the flips he was doing now,
but he also didn’t have a trampoline to do them on during PE.

“Shirtless?”

“No,” I smirked.

I had predicted it before seeing it, so it didn’t come as a shock to

me that he was only wearing trackies. The waistband of his boxers
was visible while his abs tensed up every time he did a flip along
with the muscles on his back.

“You’re so into him.”

“Am not,” I protested. “I’m just appreciating the sight of him.”

He rolled onto his back instead, closing his eyes so the sun didn’t
blind him. “I don’t see it.”

“That’s because all you want is Zayn.”

“Zayn Malik is a masterpiece.”

I snorted in response, but he had a point, so I kept quiet instead of

trying to come up with a counterargument. I continued watching
Harry instead, and the way his body moved had me mesmerized.

61
The way his abs tensed up took me back to the night we had sex.
I hadn’t been able to see it happening, but I couldn’t imagine it
was any different from how they tensed up now. Being on my
stomach had prevented me from seeing him fall apart, and I
regretted our position simply because of that. I wanted to see him
fall apart, but now it was too late.

“Don’t let her take her hat off, Louis.”

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at Sophie who was about

to pull off her hat. I sat up instead and stopped her from doing so,
knowing Harry didn’t mean to sound as demanding as he did. The
sun was burning down on us, and she needed to keep it on. I
looked back at him when he jumped down from the trampoline
and walked towards us.

“I gotta take a piss,” Liam said, making me look his way when he
got up.

“Stay safe.”

“I will.”

I chuckled as he walked off the trampoline and onto the grass. He

disappeared inside while Harry stepped onto the trampoline
instead, sitting down while I fell backwards to lie down on my
back.

“Do you think it’d be fun to have sex on a trampoline?” I asked,

the words slipping out before I realised it.

62
“Maybe.” He let Sophie crawl onto him and turned her around so
she was sitting in his lap, letting her lean against him while she
wrapped her hands around his fingers. “We could always try it
out.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I asked, but he didn’t respond,

just smirked as he reached out to trace his fingers along the
exposed skin above the waistband of my jeans. “No touching.”

“Right,” he pouted.

His behaviour confused me. He hadn’t exactly shown any interest

until this morning. He had talked about the sex we had already
had, but now he was touching me and talking like he wanted to
do it again. I couldn’t help but think it was because he got a rush
out of it. If his dad wasn’t marrying my mom he wouldn’t have
messed around with the idea of doing it again, but I assume I
wouldn’t have either. I wouldn’t have been bothered by the idea,
but I doubt there would’ve been the same amount of sexual
tension between us. We knew we’d mess up by doing it, yet we
still found the thought of it exciting.

“Stop pouting.”

“Fine,” he said, then changed the subject. “Can I ask you

something?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever wanted to find your dad?”

I frowned in response. “No.”

63
It wasn’t necessarily the right answer, but it was more right than
it was wrong. The thought of it had found a way into my system
multiple times before, but I had never as much as thought about
reacting to it, because, in the end, I didn’t want to find him.

“Do you think Sophie is gonna want to find hers?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “She might.”

“What if she does?”

“Then you let her.”

“Right.”

The fact that my dad had left me wasn’t a pleasant thought, but
while a part of me wanted answers, I didn’t want him when he
didn’t want me. Sophie was gonna grow up with her own opinion,
and if she wanted to find her dad, she should have every right to.

“What was he like anyway? Her dad?”

“He was… well, I don’t really know.”

“You didn’t know him?”

“I did, but he was Gemma’s boyfriend, not mine.”

“Do you think he’d have been a good dad?”

64
“No, but it also wasn’t planned. Gemma was stupid enough to
have sex without a condom despite not being on the pill. She
knew they had messed up when the pregnancy test came back
positive, but… I don’t know. I think the outcome is pretty good.”

He looked down at Sophie who was bouncing her feet up and

down on the trampoline, giggling when Harry kissed her on the
cheek.

“Does she regret it?”

“Keeping her?” I nodded in response, and he smiled at me. “Not

once.”

“She seems pretty great—Sophie, that is.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely not complaining about her choice. I can’t

wait to get my own.”

“How many do you want?”

“A whole bunch.”

I chuckled in response and looked up at Liam as he came back.

Sophie giggled in response to the trampoline moving, and Liam
froze as soon as he had sat down, making me frown until I noticed
Zayn was walking towards us.

“He’s coming,” he whispered.

“You’ve got to stop drooling, babe.”

65
He sighed in response while Zayn walked up behind Harry to put
his hands on his shoulders.

“You can take her, right?” Harry asked, refereeing to Sophie as

he and Zayn clearly weren’t planning on staying.

He handed her over when I told him yes, but before they even got
off the trampoline, Liam stopped them.

“Zayn.” His cheeks turned red as soon as they turned around,

Zayn’s eyebrows raised as he looked at Liam. “I wanted to know
if—”

“Don’t do this, Liam,” he interrupted.

“I just—”

“I said no.”

Zayn didn’t seem to be into conversations and especially not this

one. I felt bad for Liam because all he wanted was a chance, yet
Zayn wasn’t willing to give him one.

“Right,” he whispered.

Harry looked as uncomfortable as I felt while Zayn looked at

Liam for another moment before he turned around to leave. I sat
up again and let Liam rest his head on my shoulder while I slipped
my hand into his. He rarely cried, but I could feel him tremble
and maybe it finally made me realise just how deep he was in.

“Liam, I don’t think I understand this.”

66
“What?”

“Your feelings for Zayn.”

“I don’t understand them myself. We’ve only messed around,

but… that’s it.”

“How much did you mess around?”

“We just… well, he sucked me off in the bathroom.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“I don’t know.”

“So that’s it?”

“We kissed a lot, but then we obviously fell asleep in the living
room. I’m not sure how we ended up there, but we did and now
he doesn’t wanna talk to me. I don’t have a lot of sex, Louis, and
I don’t do onetime things, so it’s weird.”

Liam had never been the kind of person who slept around and
despite never having blamed me for having sex whenever I
wanted to, he was always gonna be into romance. But at the same
time, he should’ve known what it meant to get involved with
Zayn.

“It’s Zayn Malik.”

“Meaning what?”

67
“Meaning you should’ve seen it coming.”

“You don’t have to be rude.”

“I’m not, I just… I love you so much, but you have to let this one
go. I know you like him, but don’t fall in love just because he paid
attention to you. He just… he doesn’t want you, Liam.”

He didn’t respond but got up instead. I knew he was gonna leave,

but I didn’t have it in me to stop him. I was gonna apologise later,
but as for right now, I decided to give him time to process what I
said. He knew as well as me that I was right, but I understood why
he didn’t want to face reality, and I didn’t blame him for it. He
liked Zayn enough to think there was a possibility he’d change
his mind, but as long as Zayn was unwilling to deal with his
sexuality, Liam wasn’t gonna get anywhere with him. Zayn
wasn’t ready to let anyone in the way Liam wanted him to. He
needed time to figure himself out and the least Liam could do was
accept that and keep his distance. He knew better than anyone
what it meant to be struggling with this, so whether or not it was
rude, he needed to back off when Zayn had asked him to.

68
9

I drove with Harry to school Monday morning. I had forgotten I

lived an extra ten minutes away now, so I would’ve been late if I
had walked like I usually did. Harry was used to the attention
when he walked through the halls, but I wasn’t, so it was unusual
to be the centre of it simply because I was walking next to him.

“I don’t like this,” I said.

“What?”

“Being watched.”

“Just ignore it.”

“They’re looking more than usual, aren’t they?”

People weren’t subtle when they whispered, so it was obvious

they were already making up rumours. I should probably have
seen it coming because Harry Styles didn’t date, and no one could
come up with another explanation for why we’d be walking
together.

“I don’t usually have company in the morning.”

69
“Sometimes you do.”

“Have you paid attention to me?”

I looked at him, his smirk being enough to let me know he was

teasing. “Everyone pays attention to you.”

“I didn’t think you did.”

“I can appreciate the sight of you without wanting your babies.”

He chuckled and took a moment to come up with a response.

“Don’t you think we’d make cute babies?”

“I reckon your babies would be cute no matter who you made

them with.”

“Right, but ours would obviously be extra cute.”

“You might wanna let that go.”

“Because of our parents?”

“No, because we’re both guys.”

“Right.”

“Guess the pretty ones are stupid.”

“Momentarily.”

70
I rolled my eyes before I spotted Liam at his locker, sighing as I
stopped in my steps. Harry looked at me with a frown, but I kept
looking at Liam because I still hadn’t apologised for what
happened yesterday. I didn’t necessarily have anything to
apologise for, but I knew Liam wasn’t gonna see it that way. Zayn
had already made his intentions very clear, and it was obvious to
everyone that he didn’t under any circumstances want love, but
Liam was pretending the obvious wasn’t obvious because he was
craving love again.

“I have to go.”

“Wait,” he said, letting his fingers wrap around my wrist before I

could get anywhere. He slipped it into my hand instead, pulling
me closer so he could whisper in my ear. “By the end of the day,
everyone is gonna think we’re dating.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Might not be the worst thing.”

I wasn’t too surprised at his words, knowing it was purely because

it would prevent people from trying to ask him out. “News travels
fast in high school, Harry.”

“Meaning what?”

“We’re almost stepbrothers, so you can’t do this in front of

everyone.”

I pulled back to look at him, and he let go of my hand, his eyes

turning a shade darker. He was turned on by the idea of us, so

71
perhaps I should’ve been more specific. He wasn’t allowed to do
this when we were alone either, but I accidentally made it sound
that way.

“I want you.”

I looked up at him, and the deepness in his voice was enough to

make me shiver in response to his words. I hadn’t really noticed
it until now, how his voice got deeper when he was turned on.

“I have to go,” I whispered, taking a deep breath before I turned

around and shook the situation off.

Harry was wonderfully dangerous, and it was terrifyingly

tempting to give into him, but I needed to keep my hands to
myself. And so I focused on Liam instead as I walked up behind
him to wrap my arms around him.

“Louis—”

“I’m sorry.” I tightened my grip on him to prove my point,

interrupting him before he could tell me to go away.

“It’s not like you weren’t right.” He wiggled out of my hold and
turned around to face me. “But you’re an asshole.”

“I know.”

He sighed in response but failed when he tried to suppress a smile.

He couldn’t stay mad at me, which he knew himself, so he hugged
me instead of saying anything. We went to class together
afterwards and sat down in our usual seats. We small-talked until

72
Niall walked towards us, his smile revealing another reason for
why I could never go there again. It wasn’t because of the braces
themselves, but rather the fact that they made him adorable. If I
had been into relationships I don’t think I’d have been bothered
by his cuteness, but when it came to sex, I was craving someone
who could actually throw me around. I was craving the hotness
that people like Harry and Zayn consisted of and not the adorable
human that was Niall Horan.

“Hi,” he said when he reached us.

“Hey.”

“Do you by any chance have plans for the weekend?”

I couldn’t help but smile, his accent adding to his cuteness. “I do,
actually.”

“Oh.”

He looked disappointed, and while I knew it wasn’t any of his

business, I found myself in the need of giving him an explanation.

“I’m going on a family trip.”

“Somewhere fun?”

“I have no idea,” I confessed, but he furrowed his eyebrows,

which made me realised it sounded like I was trying to come up
with an excuse without being prepared for questions. “My mom
is getting married, so we’re going on a trip to celebrate it, but they
won’t tell us where to.”

73
“Is he nice? The one she’s marrying.”

“Uh… well, it’s actually Harry’s dad.”

His expression changed instantly. I knew bringing up Harry’s

name wasn’t the smartest move, but he was gonna find out
eventually.

“So you’re gonna be stepbrothers?”

“Yes.”

“That’s pretty inconvenient.”

“Why?”

“I was gonna ask you out.”

“Niall, I—”

I was cut off by our teacher. Niall turned around to look at her
while Harry looked at us with an expression I couldn’t read before
he sat down in the seat next to Zayn. Niall turned back around to
send me a smile before he sat down as well.

Liam chuckled to himself, and I rolled my eyes and slid further

down on my chair, the back of Niall’s head being all I could focus
on throughout class. He made it sound like he wasn’t gonna ask
me out now that he knew Harry was gonna be a part of my life,
but I had a feeling it wasn’t gonna stop him. I think he needed
time to take it in, but he was most likely gonna try again when he

74
realised dating me didn’t necessarily mean he had to talk to Harry
too.

***

The sexual tension between Harry and I didn’t get any less intense
throughout the week. I had settled in the best I could, but it was
difficult to get used to. Gemma tried her best to make me feel
comfortable, and Harry walked around in his boxers like I had
expected him to. I wasn’t complaining, but I had gotten off to the
thought of him more than I probably should, and it was proper
embarrassing. I was hoping the walls were thick enough for me
not to be heard, but I doubt anyone would tell me if they weren’t.
I wasn’t purposely being loud, and I was pretty sure I kept it down
enough to get away with it, but it was unusually hard to keep his
name from slipping out.

“Can I ask you something?”

I looked at Harry, his eyes glued to the road. I had never been
keen on family trips and that was despite never having been on a
lot of them. It wasn’t more than a three-hour drive, but Gemma
and Sophie were in the other car with our parents, so I was stuck
with Harry in his.

“Depends on what it is,” I said, earning a chuckle in response.

“I saw you talking to Niall today.”

“That’s not a question.”

75
“No, I know. I wanted to know how you know each other?”

“We had sex.”

He briefly looked at me before he looked back at the road. He

didn’t necessarily seem surprised, but I wasn’t sure I had expected
him to be. At least not because we had sex, but more because Niall
was more straight than he wasn’t. It wasn’t exactly similar to
Zayn because Zayn refused to be seen as anything but straight
while Niall didn’t really seem to care about what people thought.
It was obvious he preferred girls and that was why everyone
assumed he was straight. I had never been the person who wanted
more, so getting involved with straight guys had never been a
problem. It was why I hadn’t been bothered by sleeping with him,
but it turned out he wanted to try something different, and I wasn’t
up for it. I suppose that was another reason why I didn’t want to
give him a chance. The idea of being someone’s experiment
wasn’t exactly a turn on.

“Do you talk to him often?”

“Only when he comes to me first.” It was on the edge of being

painful to watch him come to me time after time without getting
the hint. I had never straight up told him I didn’t want him, but I
had also never talked to him unless he initiated the conversation.

“Does he like you?”

“I think so.”

“Do you like him back?”

76
“No.”

“Okay.”

I looked at him for another moment, trying to figure out what to

say next. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, and I couldn’t
help but think it was quite a coincidence if all three of them were
gay. It was the same coincidence as Liam and I, except there were
three of them so it was even weirder.

“Is he gay?”

“I didn’t think he was.”

“He seemed to enjoy it.”

“I’m sure he did.”

“Why’s that?”

“He was never repelled by the idea of it. I guess we were similar
like that, but he never acted on it.”

“Was I his first?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in months.”

“More like forever.”

“Louis.”

“I’m just saying.”

77
He sighed but stayed quiet, so I turned to look out of the window.
I wanted to ask him the question that had been lingering on my
tongue through this whole conversation. It was inevitable that I
was gonna keep myself from letting it slip. I knew myself that
well, but he already seemed somewhat pissed, so I decided not to
do it yet. He was carrying around something he didn’t want me to
know about, and I could see it in his eyes. I knew it was only fair
that I wasn’t allowed to know about it, but my curiosity was
gonna get the best of me eventually.

We stayed quiet for the rest of the ride and the silence gradually
progressed into something less awkward and more comfortable.
He was pretty to look at, and since he was used to being watched,
I don’t think he paid much attention to it. Normally I would’ve
been embarrassed, but he had already seen me fall apart, that
happening while I was naked underneath him. The only indication
that my obvious staring was affecting him was the way he’d
occasionally break into a smirk. It was distracting, to say the least,
but before either of us could mention the tension that hadn’t gone
away since I moved in, he made a turn and stopped at the parking
lot outside a hotel.

“This is gonna be a long weekend,” I complained, making him

hum before we went out of his car.

We met our parents in the lobby as we had arrived later than them.
Harry had insisted we stopped for food halfway there and despite
it being drive-through, it had taken longer than we first
anticipated.

78
“Your room is right across from ours,” my mom said, telling us
our room number before she handed me the key card. “We’re
going out for dinner, so meet us down here in ten minutes.”

“Okay,” I said.

We went into the elevator where Harry pushed the button to our
floor and leaned against the wall across from me. The sexual
tension was painfully obvious in a space this small, and Harry
seemed determined to tease me and his lip-biting wasn’t making
it any less hard for me to breathe. I was counting the seconds and
when we finally reached our floor and stepped out of the elevator,
I exhaled like I had been holding my breath since we stepped in.
He knew what he was doing to me, but he kept his hands to
himself while we went down the hall.

“This is it, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

I unlocked the door before I opened it. And while I groaned in

response to the double-bed, Harry simply chuckled.

79
10

Looking back at it, I suppose shouldn’t have expected something

different. Double beds weren’t exactly uncommon in hotel rooms.
It was more like the opposite. Yet I had still expected two single
beds instead. The only thing that was concerning was the fact that
I thought it was concerning. The fact that Harry was gonna sleep
next to me half-naked wasn’t even the problem. The problem was
the unmistakable tension and his willingness to let me touch him.
It was dangerous when I was so awfully weak in his company.

“Are you okay? You look a little pale.”

I glared at him and let my bag fall to the floor before I went into
the bathroom. I locked the door and peed as I needed to, taking a
moment to look at myself in the mirror while I washed my hands.
I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t gonna be as hard as I
thought it would and for a moment I almost believed it. But then
I pictured him in his boxers, and it all went down the drain.

“Let’s go,” I said when I came back out.

He followed me outside again where we ran into Gemma and

Sophie who was apparently in the room next to ours. Gemma
smiled and handed Sophie over to Harry who was now overly

80
excited. He seemed about ready to burst every time Sophie as
much as looked at him. It was quite adorable.

“Come on,” Gemma said, making us follow her into the elevator.

There was much less tension this time, Harry barely capable of
focusing on anything else than Sophie. She giggled every time he
tickled her, and it wasn’t until now I noticed she had dimples.
Though it wasn’t too much of a surprise when Gemma had
dimples herself. Harry’s were similar too, and I suddenly got an
urge to poke them, a frown appearing on my face when the urge
hit me. I shook it off when the elevator stopped, and we stepped
outside to meet our parents again, both of them smiling at the
sight of us.

“How far are we going?” Harry asked.

“Just down the street,” my mom said.

We followed them outside and turned right to walk down the

street. It was still strange to see her with someone when it had
always just been the two of us. I knew she had been dating here
and there, but never to the extent of letting me meet them. It had
never been this serious, so it was as new for me as it was for her,
and watching her hold hands with someone important was
relieving. I wanted her to be happy, and I wanted her to find love
again because my dad clearly hadn’t been it for her. Gemma
seemed to get along with her as well, which was even more
relieving as it was something they had both wanted.

“Gemma is really kind,” I said.

81
“I know,” Harry chuckled.

We continued the rest of the way in silence and when we entered

the restaurant we were guided to a table near the back. Gemma
went to get a chair for Sophie and put it down at the end of the
table so Harry could put her in it. He and Gemma sat down on
each side of her like the last time, and I sat down next to Harry
before I even thought it through.

“Are you satisfied with your rooms?” my mom asked.

“Ours only have one bed,” I said. “Did you know that?”

“It’s just a couple of nights, honey.”

I hummed in response and looked at the menu instead of

responding. I understood what she was saying, but a lot could
happen in a couple of nights and maybe that was why I froze when
Harry put a hand on my thigh under the table.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Calming you down.”

I reached down to push it away, making him chuckle before he

looked at the menu himself.

The rest of dinner went smoothly. Harry kept his hands to himself
and we small-talked through it before we went back to the hotel.
It was the first night so our parents decided to go to bed, and
Sophie had fallen asleep in Harry’s arms on the way back, so he
put her down with Gemma while he asked me to wait for him in

82
the lobby. I wasn’t sure what he had in mind, but staying in our
room wasn’t gonna do either of us any good, so I did what he
asked me to.

“Where are we going?” I asked when he came back.

He reached out a hand for me. “Not far.”

I hesitated before I took his hand and let him guide us through the
lobby and further into the hotel before went entered an arcade.
“How did you know this was here?”

“Just did.”

I smiled as we continued further into the arcade, the place

seeming bigger when it was nearly empty. We messed around
with a bunch of games, and Harry pouted when I beat him in the
majority of them, his dislike for losing shining through every
time. Right now nothing seemed to be about our mutual attraction
to each other, and it was nice spending time with him like this.

Towards the end of the night, there were moments where I

genuinely thought we could be stepbrothers without letting
anything interfere with it, but then a second later he looked at me
like he was about ready to get me out of my clothes. It was
confusing, not to talk about tempting, but there was something
about him. He had a lot more to offer than I first anticipated, and
he was shockingly misunderstood by the people who didn’t know
him. Not all players were bad, the same way not all gentlemen
were good.

83
“You’re more than your reputation makes you out to be, you
know that, right?”

He looked at me from the bathroom door, one of the duvets

wrapped around me as I was sitting on the bed in nothing but my
boxers. “I’ve always liked the idea of not being what people
expect me to be.”

I smiled in response. “Figures.”

I watch him take off his shirt, my eyes following the fabric until
it was on the floor. I looked back up and focused on his fingers
when he unbuttoned his jeans and slid down the zipper. He pulled
them down while I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth while
he stepped out of them.

“You’re staring, Louis.”

“Hm?”

“You’re watching me.”

“I thought you liked that.”

“I never said I didn’t.”

I smiled while he turned off the lights in the bathroom before he

crawled into bed. “I have a question.”

“Go on.”

“What happened between you and Niall.”

84
He furrowed his eyebrows—I probably shouldn’t have asked, but
it was never gonna be the right time. “We grew apart.”

“You know no one believes that, right?”

“Louis.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I reassured him. I don’t think I had
expected him to tell me the truth, but it was worth a shot. “I’m
just saying it’s a bad excuse.”

“You really wanna know?”

“Only if you want me to.”

“I had sex with Leah.”

I raised my eyebrows. “His ex-girlfriend?”

“It’s not something I’m proud of, Louis.”

I had always wondered why Niall broke up with her, but I suppose
I hadn’t cared enough to find out. “What happened?”

“We were drunk,” he sighed, continuing to look down while he

played with his fingers. “And I know that’s not an excuse, but I
just… it happened, and I can’t take it back.”

“Did you tell him? Or did she?”

85
“She told me not to, but I did it anyway. I was just… I felt so
guilty. And I miss him, but he has made it pretty clear that he
doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

I didn’t know what to say so I took his hand instead. It was a

simple gesture, but he seemed to relax enough to blink the tears
away before they fell. I could tell there was more to the story, but
I wasn’t gonna ask him about it. Niall didn’t come off as someone
who was unforgiving and especially not when it had been as long
as it had. One of them had done something more to make them
end up where they currently were, but since Harry hadn’t added
it to his explanation, it was because he didn’t want me to know.

“Do you wanna go to bed?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m building a wall.”

He chuckled in response, but then started laughing properly when

I started putting pillows between us to create the wall I wasn’t
joking about. “You serious?”

“Very.”

I laid down and pulled my duvet over me. “I’ll sleep in the bathtub
if you disrespect the wall.”

“You know what would be hot?” he asked, ignoring what I said.

“Don’t tell me.”

86
“Sex in the bathtub.”

“You’re impossible.”

He chuckled again but turned off his lights. And despite my

burning desire to give into him, I found the willpower to keep my
hands to myself.

***

Gemma woke up with a migraine, so Harry decided to let her get

some extra sleep by taking Sophie into our room instead. I stayed
in bed and snuggled further into the duvet while he took a bath
with her, her giggling making me smile. I was wondering what
our parents had planned for us. The weather was nice enough for
us to walk around and explore the city, but I’d rather stay in bed.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option.

“I’ll get it,” I said, not entirely sure he could hear me, nor if he
had even heard the knock on the door.

I wrapped my duvet around me and padded over the floor, smiling

at my mom when I opened the door.

“Hi, honey,” she smiled. “I just wanted to let you know there’s
breakfast downstairs in half an hour.”

“We’ll be there.”

“Good.”

87
I closed the door when she left, sighing before I put the duvet
down on the bed and went to the bathroom. I watched Harry and
Sophie from the door, Sophie giggling whenever she made the
water splash around her.

“There’s breakfast in half an hour,” I said, making Harry look at

me instead of Sophie.

“That’s plenty of time.”

“I wanted to take a shower.”

“You can do that while we’re in here, can’t you?”

He was smirking, but he was also being serious. The shower was
separated from the bathtub, so it shouldn’t be a problem, yet it
was. He had seen me naked already, but that was also why I
hesitated. He wanted to see me naked again, and I wouldn’t mind
letting him, but I was afraid of the outcome. Of course, Sophie’s
presence prevented us from doing something we shouldn’t, and I
suppose that was why I ended up giving in.

“I guess,” I said, looking at him for another moment before I

turned on the water.

I was wondering if I should turn around when I took off my

boxers, but I knew he was rather fond of my ass, so it was gonna
be a sight he wanted to see either way.

“You alright?”

88
I hummed in response and went back into our room to find a clean
pair of boxers and my soap along with my toothbrush and
toothpaste. I went back to the bathroom, and Harry respected me
enough to look away when I took off my boxers and stepped into
the shower. I had expected him to look at me, and it wouldn’t
have made me uncomfortable if he did, but he was clearly a
gentleman when he wanted to be. One part of me appreciated him
for it while another had subconsciously wanted him to look. I
suppose I liked the fact that he wanted me.

There was no shower curtain, but instead, there was glass, which
obviously didn’t cover my very naked body, yet every time I
looked at Harry, his eyes were glued to Sophie. I smiled in
response and poured shampoo into my hand, letting it stay in my
hair while I covered myself from top to toe in my other soap. I
tilted my head backwards and let the water rinse out the shampoo,
getting it all out before I opened my eyes and looked through the
glass. Harry looked away as soon as I caught him look at me, and
I smirked, turning around to face the wall so he could watch me
all he wanted to without getting caught. I was teasing, and he
knew it, but if he was allowed to play unfairly by suggesting I
showered while he was there, then so was I.

“You want me to watch you, don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that. But do as you please, Harry.”

He snorted in response while I chuckled to myself, letting the

water rinse me clean before I stepped out of the shower again.
“You’re very confusing, you know?”

89
“Why’s that?” I asked, looking at him while I started drying off
in a towel.

“Last night you built a wall between us, but now you’re
practically begging me to look at your ass.”

“I don’t beg, Harry.”

“You do when you’re drunk.”

I rolled my eyes and dried my hair as much as the towel would

allow me to, stopping it from dripping before I let the towel fall
to the floor. “I’m needy when I’m drunk.”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to smirk. You’re not the first guy to make me
needy.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

I was lying, so I turned around to make sure he didn’t notice. I

wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that the
extent of my neediness had been surprising to me too.

“You do know that you approached me, right?”

“Must’ve been your charming personality.”

90
The teasing tone was clear in my voice, but I was surprised I
managed to make it convincing. His snort let me know he took it
as sarcasm, that being what I had wanted despite his charm being
exactly the reason for why I had wanted him.

“It was sweet, you know?” he continued as I slipped on my

boxers, wiggling a bit to get them on properly. “You’re very
straightforward when you’re drunk.”

“I can imagine.”

“I’m used to more flirting, but it clearly wasn’t necessary.”

“I’m not a slut, Harry, so stop making it sound that way.”

He raised his eyebrows at me, but I looked away to put toothpaste

on my toothbrush. “I wasn’t implying that. It was refreshing to
skip it. We both knew it was gonna happen, so dragging it out
would’ve been a waste of time.”

“Seems like I wasn’t the only one who was needy.”

“You’re weren’t. And I’m glad we did it even if you aren’t.”

“I never said I wasn’t. It was a good orgasm, it’s just very

problematic now.”

“Don’t say orgasm when there’s a baby in the room.”

“You just said it yourself.”

“Tell me why it’s so problematic.”

91
“It just is.”

I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste, turning on the
water to wash my toothbrush before I leaned down to rinse my
mouth.

“It was good, Louis.”

“Exactly,” I said, pointing my toothbrush at him. “That’s the

problem.”

“Doesn’t seem like a problem.”

“I think you’re forgetting something.”

“So are you,” he said. “We’re not related.”

“That’s not a valid excuse, and you know it.”

I left the bathroom before he could protest, knowing he wasn’t

gonna see it from my perspective anytime soon. I found a pair of
jeans in my bag and wiggled into them the same way I had
wiggled into my boxers, closing them while I could hear Harry
get out of the bathtub, my attention forced away when my phone
started ringing. I found it on the bedside table and picked it up
when I saw it was Liam, not getting a word out before he started
talking.

“I know you told me to give up on Zayn, but you also told me he

wouldn’t go for me twice, and he did.”

92
I furrowed my eyebrows as I sat down on the egde of the bed,
staying quiet until he said my name and forced me to snap out of
my thoughts. “I think I need an explanation.”

“I went to his party last night, and I was talking to Niall in the
kitchen when Zayn asked me if we could talk.”

“That doesn’t mean he went for you twice, babe.”

I looked up when Harry came out of the bathroom with nothing

but a towel around his waist, Liam’s voice turning into a faint
noise as I watched Harry put Sophie down. He found a pair of
boxers in his bag and dropped the towel to the floor, teasing me
now that he knew I was looking at him. He took them on, and I
licked my lips, watching his abs tense up when he laughed, my
eyes not moving until he moved towards me and lifted my chin
to make me focus.

“I’ll be right back. Make sure she doesn’t fall off the bed.”

I nodded in response, and he smirked at me, letting his thumb

trace along my bottom lip before he turned around to leave. I
exhaled as if I had been holding my breath, turning around to look
at Sophie while Liam’s voice finally got through to me.

“Louis? Are you listening to me?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Do you want me to repeat myself or—”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

93
“Right, so he apologised for being rude to me. And then he kissed
me when I told him it was okay.”

“He kissed you?”

I don’t think Liam was any less confused than I was, not to talk
about Zayn. It was one thing for Liam to experience Zayn twice,
but while Liam was excited about it, I could only imagine Zayn
being on the edge of having a breakdown. Not necessarily
because he had kissed Liam, but because he had gone there twice,
which would naturally leave him with a bunch of feelings he
couldn’t make his way through. I knew that because I had been
there. I hadn’t struggled nearly as much as him, but I wasn’t
particularly thrilled when I found out one time wasn’t enough. I
didn’t decide to go with it until the third time I kissed a boy, and
I suppose it was mostly because it felt awfully good to just let go.
The situation was obviously different seeing as Zayn had already
kissed more than three boys. But it wouldn’t surprise me if he was
struggling with having kissed the same boy twice, nor would it
surprise me if he was trying to figure out why he wanted that. But
I had seen enough of Zayn to know that he wasn’t willing to think
it over, but rather suppress it enough to forget it ever happened.

“Yes,” Liam said.

“And then what?”

“Then he left.”

I sighed and looked up at Harry when he walked back in with a

diaper and clothes for Sophie. “He’s confused, Liam.”

94
“I know, I just… look, I have to go, okay? Mom is calling me
downstairs.”

“Call me later, yeah?”

“I will.”

He hung up while I looked at Harry as he got Sophie into her

diaper, considering whether or not I should tell him. It wasn’t my
place to be, and if Zayn wanted him to know, he’d tell him, so I
kept quiet and continued watching him dress Sophie.

“Is Gemma staying in all day?” I asked.

“I think so.”

“That’s too bad.”

He hummed in response, and I fell backwards against the

mattress, looking into the ceiling until Sophie put a hand in my
still wet hair, her small hand carefully threading through it. Harry
smiled at the sight while he got into his own clothes, his jeans as
tight as mine as he wiggled into them. I kept looking at his abs,
continuing to do so until he had covered them up with his hoodie,
reminding me I needed to take one on myself. But I stayed on the
bed while he took his socks and shoes on, not getting up until he
gave Sophie her shoes on.

“You really aren’t a morning person, huh?” he asked.

“Definitely not.”

95
I looked through my bag for a t-shirt, taking it on before I took on
the hoodie I had been wearing yesterday. I sat down on the floor
and took my socks and shoes on, getting up while Harry picked
up Sophie from the bed.

“Let’s go, baby,” he said, using his baby voice again.

I took our key card from the counter and slipped it into my back
pocket before we made our way outside, leaning against each our
wall when we got into the elevator.

“I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head.”

He smirked at me. “I’m just thinking about something.”

“Probably something inappropriate.”

“Our parents aren’t married yet.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing I should’ve expected him to come up

with another excuse for why we should have sex. “That doesn’t
matter.”

“We don’t share the same DNA.”

“It’s not about biology, Harry.”

“No, it’s clearly chemistry.”

I snorted at his lame joke but decided not to respond, waiting for
the elevator to stop before we got out. We made our way to the

96
hotel’s cafeteria and spotted our parents at the table by the
windows. Harry put Sophie into the high chair, and I sat down
next to my mom, letting her kiss me on the cheek. I took the spoon
in my hand as my mom had already gotten me the cereal she knew
I was gonna want.

97
11

“Where are we going today?” I asked, leaning back in my chair

as everyone had finished their breakfast—except Sophie who was
still eating pieces of banana while she continuously bumped her
heels against her chair.

“We’re going to a nearby park,” my mom said.

“That’s it?” Harry asked.

“We were never supposed to do anything special. The point of the

trip is to spend time together, and the weather is nice.”

Harry hummed in response while I looked at him, his eyes

meeting mine as I did so. I had a hard time looking away, and I
was sure it was satisfying for him to know that, but he’d laugh if
he could read my mind. I wanted to run my fingers through his
curls or poke his dimples or something just as unmistakably
stupid. I smiled unintentionally because I knew how stupid it was,
and Harry scrunched up his nose when he tried not to smile back,
that being something I had noticed about him. He did it every time
he tried to hold back a smile, just like he stuck his tongue out
whenever he was about to take a bite of something. It was almost
endearing.

98
“Let’s go then,” Desmond said, forcing us out of our bobble when
they got up.

Harry went back upstairs to get Sophie’s hat along with the
sunscreen, letting Gemma know we were leaving while he did so.
We sat down in the lobby while he put the sunscreen on Sophie
and tied her hat under her chin so she didn’t pull it off, Desmond
having gotten the stroller from the car so we didn’t have to carry
her.

The walk to the park wasn’t long, but the sun was burning down
on us and I took off my hoodie when we got there, letting it fall
to the grass while my mom put down a blanket for us to sit on.
Harry took off his hoodie too, but unlike me, he wasn’t wearing
a t-shirt underneath, so I had to focus on not looking at his abs.
Desmond got Sophie out of the stroller and put her down on the
blanket while the rest of us sat down. Harry pulled her shoes and
socks off afterwards as it was a lot warmer than we had first
anticipated. It was rarely ever this warm at the end of September,
but we had been unusually lucky with the weather this year.

“Let’s get you out of all these clothes, shall we?” Harry asked,
pulling her shirt over her head before he took her pants off as well,
leaving her in her body. My mom put extra sunscreen on her arms
and legs now that they were bare. I didn’t even protest when she
reached over to put some on my face as well, knowing I was
gonna get sunburned if I didn’t let her.

“Are you planning on going to uni, Louis?” Desmond asked.

I appreciated him for trying to get to know me, but these harmless
questions were getting slightly annoying. “I’m not sure yet.”

99
“Do you know what you want to do in life?”

I looked away because I did know what I wanted, but there was a
difference between that and actually doing it. “No.”

“What about you, Harry,” my mom asked.

If I knew her well enough, she was trying to force the attention
onto someone else. Not only was she interested in getting to know
Harry, but she also knew this wasn’t something I was comfortable
talking about.

“I think I’m gonna go to uni,” Harry said.

“And afterwards?”

“I wanna do something with music.”

“Music?” I asked. He looked at me and nodded, smirking just

enough for me to notice it. “What kind of music?”

“What do mean?”

“Do you wanna be a musician or just produce it?”

“A musician.”

“Are you gonna write your own songs?”

“That’s the plan.”

100
I was impressed. Mostly because I hadn’t seen it coming, but I
also wasn’t sure what I had expected. Harry was the kind of
person who’d grow up to do amazing things, yet I had always
imagined something completely different. I had imagined him as
someone who’d become a world-known surgeon. Someone
who’d save lives and cure cancer or something just as
extraordinary. But maybe I had only seen him like that because I
wanted to be like that. Harry Styles could become anything he
wanted while I couldn’t. Going to medical school wasn’t
impossible, but I was afraid I’d fail. I wasn’t necessarily aiming
for being a world-known surgeon or curing cancer, but I wanted
to save lives, and I had always been fascinated by surgery. There
was just a part of me that was too afraid to try. Being a surgeon
wasn’t just a regular job, it was a matter of life and death—
literally.

“Are you good at singing?” I asked, making him shrug while his
dad said yes.

Harry wasn’t shy, but this topic made him seem that way. Perhaps
it was because he was genuinely passionate about it. People were
usually less willing to admit how great they were at certain things
if they were passionate about it. They always felt like they could
do better and therefore weren’t good enough, that being despite
doing their best. Failure didn’t become unbearable until you
cared.

“He plays the guitar too,” Desmond said.

“Stop bragging, Dad.”

“I’m just proud of you.”

101
I smiled in response and tried to visualise Harry’s room in my
mind, but I suppose I hadn’t cared enough to notice a guitar.
Harry stayed quiet, and I wondered if he’d be willing to let me
hear him sing. He was good at a lot of things, so it wouldn’t
surprise me if he wasn’t only good at singing, but also excellent.
It was somewhat annoying to know that he could probably do
whatever he wanted to. If music didn’t work out for him, he’d
find another path and do great there too. It was annoying because
I was so scared of failing that I wasn’t even willing to do what I
wanted and finding another path wasn’t as easy as it sounded.

“Have you never thought about it?” Harry asked me. “What you
want to do?”

“I’m too young to have my life figured out.”

“You think I have my life figured out?”

“You seem like the type.”

“And you seem like the type who’s quick to judge.”

I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was joking, but I still
decided not to say anything in response. I had made assumptions
about him because I didn’t know better and because it hadn’t
crossed my mind that he wasn’t the player he was made out to be.
I had judged him because I didn’t care about him, but now I knew
there was a lot more to him than I first thought. I had always found
him charming, that was a part of his personality, but we were
different people. We were worlds apart, yet somehow we clicked,

102
and I didn’t understand it. Two weeks ago he was nothing but a
stranger and now I couldn’t get enough of his company.

“Go buy yourself a popsicle,” my mom said.

I chuckled in response but accepted the money she found for me.
She could somehow tell I needed a break from the tension I had
accidentally created between Harry and me. What he said was a
simple joke and the tension hadn’t made me uncomfortable, but I
still got up and made my way towards the ice cream booth. I got
the popsicle and decided to go further away, sitting down on one
of the swings on the playground. I had barely been sitting there
for a minute when Harry sat down on the swing next to me,
keeping quiet while he watched me eat the popsicle.

“Why are you staring at me?” I asked.

“Because of the way you’re eating the popsicle.”

“What about it?” I smirked, circling my tongue around the tip of

the popsicle.

“Just…” He trailed off, licking his lips and focused on the way I
sucked on it, shifting on the swing before I took it out of my
mouth with a pop.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Your mouth.”

“What about it?”

103
“Just wondering what it could do.”

“To what?”

“Me.”

“Mmm, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“I reckon so.”

I laughed but continued to eat the popsicle while he watched me.

It wasn’t until I was sitting with nothing but the stick in my mouth
that I spoke up again, needing an escape from the sexual tension.
“What if music doesn’t work out for you?”

“Are you doubting my abilities?”

“No.”

“Music has to work out for me, Louis.”

“Why?”

“I don’t have a plan B.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I thought you weren’t doubting my abilities.”

“I’m not.”

“What’s your plan B?”

104
“I don’t even have a plan A, Harry.”

“Except you do.”

I looked at him and sighed in response to the way he was trying

to read me. “I wanna be a surgeon.”

He raised his eyebrows but broke into a smile a the same time.
“That’s impressive.”

“It’s not impressive unless I do it.”

I didn’t blame him for thinking it was impressive, but I wasn’t

anywhere near being where I wanted, so it wasn’t impressive yet.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Failing.”

“Louis, you can’t just settle because you’re scared.”

I knew he was right and maybe I was gonna do what it took to

become who I wanted to be. Right now it just seemed impossible
that I’d ever get there. Settling would never be enough for me, but
I was terrified of killing people I wanted to save.

“I know.”

“I think you’d look hot in scrubs, though.”

105
I snorted in response but laughed afterwards. I enjoyed his ability
to bring it out despite my mood. He never stopped flirting, but it
was refreshing. I liked how he made everything more interesting
by doing it, but I also knew we’d end up somewhere we shouldn’t
if we let it continue for too long.

***

We spent a good few hours in the park before we found a cafe to

eat lunch at. We went sightseeing afterwards, but there wasn’t
much to see, and Sophie had fallen asleep in her stroller, so she
couldn’t keep us company. We went back to the hotel when
dinner time arrived and our parents gave us half an hour to get
ready before we were supposed to meet them in the lobby.
Gemma was up when we checked on her, and she was feeling
good enough to go with us out for dinner. She took Sophie before
Harry and I went into our own room, the lighting in the bathroom
making his sunburn more prominent.

“You should’ve worn sunscreen,” I said, his forehead and nose a

faint shade of red, his torso the exact same colour.

“It’s too late now.”

I smiled and left our room and went into our parents’ instead. I
asked my mom for the lotion she used against sunburn and
brought it back to Harry. “Sit down.”

He sat down on the lid of the toilet while I opened the cap on the
lotion. I put some on my fingers before I smeared it out across his
forehead and down his nose, his eyes closing as I did so.

106
“Feels nice,” he mumbled.

“It’s supposed to. Do you wanna do the rest yourself?”

“No, you can do it if you want to.”

He opened his eyes when I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t find a

reason why it should be forbidden to touch him in such an
innocent way, but deep down I knew I was only giving in because
I wanted an excuse to touch him. An excuse I could convince
myself was good enough.

“Stand up.”

He did as I asked him to, and I poured more lotion on my fingers

before I smeared it out along his arm. I knew from experience the
coldness had a soothing effect against the warm skin, so it didn’t
surprise me when he sighed softly in response, standing
completely still while I finished up and continued to the other
arm. I could feel his eyes lingering on me, but I ignored it the best
I could and poured more lotion onto my fingers before I covered
his chest, continuing further down where I traced my fingers
along the lines of his muscles. His abs tensed up for just a second
when I got too far down, my fingers accidentally brushing against
the waistband of his jeans.

“Are you teasing me on purpose?” he asked, making me smile in

response.

“No, you’re just very easily turned on.”

107
“Only because it’s you.”

“Enough with the cheesiness, Prince Charming.”

“What does that make you? Sleeping Beauty?”

“I think you’ve got your fairy tales mixed up.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because your princess is Cinderella. Not Sleeping Beauty.”

“Then who’s the Prince in Sleeping Beauty?”

“Phillip.”

“What about Snow White?”

“Florian.”

“I genuinely thought they were all named Charming.”

“You serious?”

“Yes.”

“You clearly haven’t watched a lot of Disney.”

“I’ve watched plenty of Disney,” he said, clearly trying to defend

himself. “How do you know so much about Disney Princes?”

“I was probably in love with them.”

108
He snorted in response and turned around when I asked him to,
humming in response when I covered his back in lotion. I washed
my hands afterwards, and he let the lotion dry before he took on
a t-shirt.

“We should go out tonight,” he said.

“Out where?”

“There’s a gay club down the street. I noticed it this morning.”

“I thought you weren’t gay,” I teased.

“I never said I wasn’t.”

“You also never said you were.”

“I just don’t like labels,” he said. “Do you want to go or not?”

“How are we gonna get in?”

“You have a fake ID, don’t you?”

“Sure, but what are we gonna tell our parents?”

“We’re not gonna tell them.”

Harry was the definition of trouble, but I was drawn to him in

ways I had never believed in. And it was very tempting to sneak
out with him, and I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to have some fun.

109
12

Harry and I snuck out once everyone had gone back to their
rooms, and the guard at the club looked suspicious when I handed
him my ID. My height didn’t do me any favours, but he decided
to let me in, and Harry kept his hands on my shoulders so we
didn’t disappear from each other as we made our way to the bar.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Just a beer.”

He ordered one for both of us, and I looked into the crowd of
people, strangers dancing close enough for it to be inappropriate.
Hands travelled below the waistband more often than not, and no
one seemed to pay much attention to the world around them, my
own attention forced away from the dance floor when Harry
handed me the beer.

“What are you looking at?” he asked.

“People.”

“Anyone interesting?”

“No.”

110
“Good.”

“Why?” I chuckled. “Don’t you want me to get some?”

“Sure—if I’m the one giving it to you.”

I snorted in response and took a sip of my beer while I continued

watching people. The couples lured me in more than anyone else
and perhaps it was because of the way their hips moved against
each other or the way their tongues were visible while they kissed.
It was mesmerising simple because I wanted it myself. Kissing
was without a doubt one of my favourite things to do, and I
wouldn’t mind doing it for hours without anything else
happening. It made me turn to look at Harry and despite knowing
kissing him wasn’t an option, I still let myself glance at his lips. I
imagined them against mine, the feeling still somewhat present
from when I did kiss him and the knowledge of how he tasted
made my head spin.

“Are you gonna kiss me?” he asked.

“No.”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

“You can always blame it on the alcohol.”

“Not when this is my first beer.”

111
“You’re a lightweight, aren’t you?”

“Doesn’t mean I get drunk from one beer.”

He was about to say something when someone tapped me on the

shoulder, and whoever it was kept his hand on my shoulder while
I turned around to face him. He smiled at me as I took him in, his
beauty reminding me of Zayn’s as it was intimidating, yet worth
admiring. His skin was darker than Zayn’s, but his eyes were as
blue as mine, if not a few shades lighter.

He introduced himself as Jacob, letting me know he preferred

Jake before he told me he had been watching me since I came in
with Harry. He was polite enough to ask us if we were dating, but
when I told him no, he didn’t hesitate with asking me to dance. I
looked at Harry, almost as if I was asking him for permission, but
his expression was unreadable, and when I realized I didn’t
actually need his permission, I followed Jake onto the dance floor.
I let him place his hands on my hips, looking up at him as he
gradually pulled me closer to him, continuing until his body was
pressed against mine.

“Can I kiss you?”

He definitely didn’t waste his time on flirting, but I didn’t mind,

so I nodded and closed my eyes when he put a hand on the back
of my neck, feeling his lips against mine just seconds later. He
was taller than me, but not as tall as Harry, so I didn’t have to go
on my tippy-toes like I knew I’d have to with him. Jake was an
excellent kisser though and when we pulled apart, he turned me
around and let us sway to the music. My eyes fluttered shut when
his lips met my neck, soft kisses being trailed along my skin

112
before I opened them again. Harry was watching us from the bar
and the smirk on his lips was enough to take me back to the night
where he was the one kissing my neck. He didn’t seem
particularly jealous. Not that I had expected him to be, but he
seemed like the type who’d make sure the person he wanted
didn’t get with anyone else. Perhaps he knew where he had me.

I shivered at the feeling of teeth grazing my skin, Jake forcing me

into a frenzy where all I could do was melt into everything he did.
His hands stayed on my hips to keep me in place as I continued
swaying in his hold, Harry’s eyes piercing into mine every time I
looked his way. I let myself close my eyes, but trying to get Harry
out of my mind was harder than first anticipated. Jake knew what
he was doing, but every feeling was replaced with the feeling of
Harry. It happened slowly, but surely, his soft lips replacing the
ones that were currently exploring my skin, and his hands
replaced the ones that carefully slipped under my shirt to trace my
skin. It was all I could do about the sexual tension. Imagine it was
him when it wasn’t and then get off on it.

“Louis.” I opened my eyes when I heard his voice—if he hadn’t

been standing in front of me, I would’ve thought it was all in my
head because I liked the way he said my name. “They know we
snuck out.”

“Does it matter?”

He looked at Jake, and I rolled my eyes when he managed to scare

him away. He was claiming me without permission, and he didn’t
even need to use his words to do so.

“Let’s go,” he said.

113
“No.”

“What do you mean no?”

“You’re not in charge of me.”

“Louis.” His voice was firm, but he wasn’t intimidating enough

for me to give in. “Can you just come with me?”

“Make me.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Fine.”

Before I could react to it, he had picked me up and thrown me

over his shoulder. I whined in response but wrapped my arms
around him to prevent myself from falling when he started
walking towards the exit. “You’re not playing fair!”

“It’s not a game.”

“It is, and you’re playing against the rules.”

“You haven’t set any rules, baby.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“You like it.”

I wasn’t about to admit he was right, so I was thankful he couldn’t

see me blush. “It’s inappropriate.”

114
“Yeah, yeah,” he chuckles, putting me down on the pavement
when we got outside.

I closed my eyes for a moment while I held onto him to stop

myself from getting dizzy, looking down when he slipped his
hand into mine. He seemed to be careless by nature, but it was a
mystery to me that he didn’t care more about his dad’s happiness.

“You just don’t care, do you?”

“About what?”

“The consequences.”

I liked his flirting and his excuses for why we should have sex. I
liked that he teased me and that I could tease him back, but it was
a completely different thing when he did something as simple as
take my hand. The gesture was innocent, but even innocent
gestures were dangerous when it came to him and I.

“We’re not related, Louis.”

“No, you keep saying that, but our parents are getting married.”

I let go of his hand and picked up my pace despite knowing he

wasn’t gonna have trouble keeping up. I refused to take the
elevator with him when we got to the hotel, and I took two steps
at a time up the stairs. I was stopped when I got to our floor, Harry
already standing with our parents outside our room.

“How did you get into a bar, Louis?” My mom asked when I
reached them.

115
“I have a fake ID,” I admitted.

“You have what?”

I sighed in response and reached into my pocket to get it. “Here.”

I knew it was only a matter of time before I got in trouble—or at

least I thought so, but instead of yelling, she hugged me.

“You have to tell me when you go out.”

“I know,” I mumble. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m keeping this ID.”

“I know.”

“Harry,” Desmond said, waiting for Harry to hand over his ID as

well.

Harry groaned before he did as he was told. Neither of them said

anything else before they let us go into our room, shoes being
kicked off before I went into the bathroom to pee, taking my
toothbrush afterwards. I looked at Harry through the mirror when
he entered, putting toothpaste on my toothbrush before I started
brushing my teeth. He continued watching me, so I turned around
and leaned against the counter while he was leaned against the
wall across from me.

“Do you think I want to ruin my dad’s relationship?”

116
“It doesn’t seem like you care very much.”

“It’s bigger than that, Louis. I’ve never wanted anyone more than
once.”

“What’s your point?”

“You’ve turned everything upside down, so it’s upsetting that I

can’t have you.”

“Right,” I snorted, rolling my eyes before I spit the toothpaste out

in the sink, washing my toothbrush before I put it back in its
holder.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“It’s hard to, isn’t it?” I asked, turning back around to look at him.
“You couldn’t even remember my name.”

“You said you weren’t mad about that.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying you wouldn’t have bothered to find out
if this hadn’t happened. You’d never have talked to me again, and
that goes both ways, Harry. I’m not different from anyone else
you’ve been with, but this is fun for you, and that’s why you want
me again. You’re only turned on by the idea because it’s wrong.”

“It’s about more than that, Louis.”

“No, it’s not. And do you know how I know that? It’s because I
don’t date either, yet suddenly it feels impossible to resist you,
but it’s only because we’re not allowed to go there.”

117
“But you want to?”

“Of course I want to, but I—” I stopped myself when he moved
towards me to lift me onto the counter. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He spread my legs further apart so he could stand

between them, taking my chin in his hand to force my eyes to
meet his. “I like you, Louis. There’s nothing romantic about it,
but I enjoy spending time with you. You can tell yourself over
and over again that this isn’t right, but it doesn’t change the fact
that it feels right. We both know where this is going, but whether
or not we’re willing to take the risk is up to you.”

“Harry,” I whispered, closing my eyes to avoid the depth of his.

He could persuade me so easily if he continued looking at me the

way he did, but he was right even if I didn’t want to admit it. I
could run from it all I wanted to, but we both knew we’d
eventually end up in a place we shouldn’t. Not because we
weren’t aware of the consequences, but because we couldn’t
possibly stay away from each other when we were craving the
same thing.

“Louis.”

I opened my eyes, momentarily wondering if he knew what it

took to make me surrender to him. If he knew the way he said my
name was almost enough in itself. He let his hands wander along
my thighs slowly until he reached my hips and pulled me closer
to the edge of the counter.

118
“Harry—”

“Tell me you want me.”

“I want you.”

The words were out before I could think it through, his shockingly
green eyes turning darker by the second. He licked his lips and
reached up to remove my bottom lip from between my teeth,
running his thumb along it afterwards. I took a deep breath when
he leaned in, letting my eyes flutter shut when his lips met mine
in a painfully needed kiss. I practically whimpered into it and let
my hand disappear into his hair while he licked his way into my
mouth, running his hands down my thighs to my knees before he
made me wrap my legs around him.

I gasped into the kiss when he lifted me off the counter and carried
me out of the bathroom, practically throwing me onto the bed
before he crawled up between my legs. He pinned my hands down
above my head and kissed me again, my head spinning in
response to the way he made me feel. It was satisfying beyond
what was appropriate and it was arousing when our parents were
right across the hall, but I couldn’t fool myself into believing that
made it any less wrong. It was enough for me to ask him to stop,
and he did, letting go of my hands before he moved away from
me.

I could tell he was confused, and I didn’t blame him for it, but I
couldn’t give into him, guilt settling in my entire body as I made
my way back to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and
looked at myself in the mirror while I teared up, my bottom lip
trembling as the only thing I felt was regret. We weren’t officially

119
stepbrothers yet, but giving into him reminded me of how good it
had been the first time. It pushed me further away from forgetting
and closer to letting him have me over and over again. He was
nothing but trouble, but that was the problem. I wanted trouble. I
wanted to sneak around, and I wanted to be doing something so
terribly wrong.

I blinked my tears away and got out of my clothes, avoiding his

eyes when I got back out. I crawled into bed without saying
anything, pulling the duvet over my body while I stayed as close
to the edge as I could without the risk of falling off it. I turned my
lights off and flinched when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Please don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry.”

His voice made it obvious he was hurt, yet I didn’t respond but
pulled the duvet further up instead. I closed my eyes and wished
to fall asleep before he spoke again, sighing in relief when he
turned off his light.

120
13

I should’ve seen it coming. We wanted each other way too much

to keep it under control, but I had expected myself to last longer.
I knew Harry had been willing to risk it, and I understood why,
but he knew as well as me it wasn’t about whether or not we were
related. It was about not getting in the way of our parents’
happiness.

“You’re not blaming me for what happened, are you?” Harry

asked, looking at me for a brief moment before he looked back at
the road.

It was the first thing he had said all morning, and I hadn’t been
any less quiet. He was normally very talkative, so it was a surprise
he hadn’t spoken up until now, but I understood why. If it had
been up to me, we wouldn’t have driven home together, but it was
easier than coming up with an explanation for why I suddenly
didn’t want to be alone with him.

“No,” I said.

I had allowed him to kiss me because I wanted it as much as he

did. He knew the difference between right and wrong, and he
hadn’t forced me into something I didn’t want. My reaction was

121
unfair to him, but everything had happened too fast for me to keep
up.

“I’m sorry, Louis.”

“You don’t have anything to apologise for.”

“Then why does it feel that way?”

“How should I know?” I asked. “What do you feel like you have
to apologise for?”

“Kissing you and not regretting it.”

“Hmm.”

I looked out of the window instead of saying anything else. It

wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but it seemed like he was gonna
get mad no matter what I said, so keeping quiet was for the best.
I should’ve expected him to feel differently and maybe I was
reading too much into it, but it seemed like he was determined to
disagree with every choice I made today.

“Are you just not gonna say anything about it?”

“I wasn’t planning on it, because you’re acting out. My opinion

is different than yours, but you’re too full of yourself to accept
that.”

“I do accept your opinion, but this isn’t one-sided, Louis.”

122
I understood what he was saying, and if I had told him I didn’t
want him, he wouldn’t have tried. He had rejected enough people
to know it was frustrating when someone wouldn’t take no for an
answer. He understood the meaning behind no, and he was good
enough to accept it.

“I know it’s not.”

He sighed in response, and I looked out of the window again,

finding comfort in the sudden silence. I closed my eyes and let
myself enjoy it until Harry turned his music up halfway through
a song, and I forced myself not to sing along. He hummed along
himself and when the song changed, he scrunched his nose up to
keep himself from smiling, that being the moment I realised
music was his escape. I watched him while he gradually started
singing along, quietly at first and then loud enough to make me
smile. It didn’t surprise me he was good, but it surprised me he
was that good.

“You’re staring, Louis.”

“You’re good.”

“Thank you.”

He looked at me for a second, sending me a smile before he

looked back at the road. The uncomfortable tension had
disappeared into nothing, but I knew it was only momentarily
forgotten. We held onto the newfound joy of singing along to the
songs on Harry’s playlist, his mix of songs so similar to mine that
putting my playlist on instead would’ve given us the same result.

123
It wasn’t until we came home the bubble burst. We were no longer
safe in whatever space we had created in the car, and Harry’s
playlist hadn’t been enough to make him forget about what
happened. I understood his need to talk it through, but I had
needed a moment to breathe. Not because it was a difficult
conversation, but because I could barely look my mom in the eye,
and that was painful in itself.

“I’ll leave you alone if you want me to.”

I looked at him while he closed my door behind him, pausing the

YouTube video I was watching on my laptop. “When did I say I
wanted that?”

“You didn’t, but you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared of you, Harry. I’m scared of the consequences.”

“No one knows what we did.”

“I don’t like feeling guilty, Harry.”

I was halfway through tearing myself apart from guilt. I was on

the edge of coming clean to my mom, but it wasn’t an option. I’d
only make everything worse by doing so.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Alone how?”

“I’ll stop flirting and coming up with excuses for why it doesn’t
matter. I’ll stop interacting with you.”

124
“I don’t want you to stop interacting with me.”

“Then what do you want, Louis?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then figure it out.”

He left before I could respond, and it took me a moment to

understand that we interacted through flirting and teasing. It was
the only way for us to deal with the sexual tension, and if I wanted
that to stop, there’d be nothing left.

***

He didn’t talk to me after that. He kept his distance, and that was
worse than his constant flirting. I’d rather have that form of
interaction than none at all. Perhaps it was because I liked it. I
liked to know he wanted me and that he was willing to come with
excuses for why we should have sex. Because whether or not I
wanted it, it was exciting to think about. It was terrifying because
of our parents, but doing something we weren’t allowed to was
exciting, and I felt guilty for thinking that way.

“Did you walk to school?”

I looked at Liam while I put my headphones in my locker,

frowning in response to his confusion. “Why do you sound so
surprised? I’ve always walked to school.”

125
“Not during the last week.”

“Right,” I said, realising he was confused because I had driven

with Harry last week.

Harry would’ve been too kind not to offer me a ride despite what
was going on between us, so I had left before he got the chance,
getting us both out of what would’ve been an uncomfortable
situation.

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know. We had a falling out.”

I wasn’t sure it was the right way to describe it. Harry had given
me an ultimatum, but I wasn’t sure what it consisted of. If he
stopped interacting with me, there’d be a strange tension between
us and especially when we lived together. But if he didn’t stop,
we’d go right back to flirting because that was the only way we
knew how to interact. I suppose we needed to find a way to
communicate without the flirting. That would be the best
outcome, but it wasn’t gonna be easy when all I wanted was to
kiss him.

“What happened?”

“I’ll tell you somewhere else.”

“Okay.”

I wondered why I had been stupid enough to forget a hoodie. I

had been so determined to get out of the house before Harry could

126
offer me a ride and it hadn’t even crossed my mind that I wasn’t
wearing a hoodie. The wind had been cold enough for me to
notice it, but I wasn’t gonna go back just because I was cold.

“Do you still have a hoodie in your locker?”

“Yes.”

“Can I borrow it?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”

I followed him to his locker and pushed him into the nearest
bathroom when I had taken on his hoodie. I checked to see if there
was anyone else in there before I told him about Harry. I
explained everything from the kiss to the conversation we had
yesterday, and he listened to what I was saying, but I don’t think
he understood the problem.

“Do you regret it?”

“I think so.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel guilty because of the kiss? Or because you don’t feel
guilty?”

127
I took a moment to think about it because he had a point. I was
feeling guilty, but not in the way I had expected. I hadn’t thought
much about it until now, Liam suddenly making me realise I
didn’t regret kissing Harry, and that was the problem. I couldn’t
look my mom in the eyes, but it had nothing to do with the kiss
itself, but rather that fact that I’d do it again and not feel guilty
about it.

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” I asked. “We’d still mess up by doing
it.”

“Not if you don’t get caught.”

Harry’s way of thinking was the same as Liam’s, yet somehow

Liam got through to me a lot easier than Harry did. Maybe it was
because Liam was looking at the situation from the outside,
whereas Harry was simply tempted by the sexual tension and
therefore came up with whatever excuses made sense to him.

“I just… I don’t know.”

“You aren’t related, Louis, nor did you grow up together.”

“It’s still taboo.”

“Not yet,” he said, pushing me along so we could walk out of the

bathroom as class was about to begin. “Your parents aren’t
married yet, so you might as well take advantage of it.”

“You think so?”

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

128
“Yes, but—” I stopped myself as we walked into the classroom,
finding our usual seats on the last row.

“I know it can’t last, Lou, but you’re aren’t stepbrothers yet. You
might as well get it out of your system while you can.”

A part of me was relieved that Liam couldn’t find a problem

where I had found one. If I gave into Harry, the pleasure would
eventually outweigh the guilt, but I wasn’t sure it was as simple
as getting it out of my system. We had already been there once
and it had been good enough for me to know once more wasn’t
gonna be enough and when our parents got married it was no
longer an option to go there.

“If we start fooling around…” I trailed off, chewing on the inside

of my cheek instead of finishing the sentence.

“You’re afraid you won’t be able to stop?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s not taboo until you’re parents are married. But even if you
continue afterwards, it’s not gonna matter unless you get caught.”

I looked around to see if anyone heard us, but everyone was too
caught up in their own conversations. Liam was right again and
if Harry and I didn’t get caught, we wouldn’t get in trouble, nor
mess anything up when it came to our parents’ relationship.

“What if we do get caught?”

129
“Then you deal with the consequences.”

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know everything, Lou. And I understand where you’re

coming from, but you need to just live your life. Do whatever the
hell you want and forget about the consequences until you’re
forced to face them. I know it’s a difficult situation, but if you’re
careful you won’t get in trouble.”

“I like how wrong it is,” I admitted. “It’s exciting, but I just… my

mom is so important to me.”

“Then don’t get caught.”

“Anything else to avoid a tragedy?”

“Yes—don’t fall in love with him.”

He was talking about a different kind of tragedy now. The kind

that was inevitable when you wanted someone you couldn’t have.
Falling for Harry wasn’t an option, and Liam knew that, so as
much as he wanted me to experience love, he knew this wasn’t it.
Not when it was bound to end in heartbreak.

130
14

It was pouring down when I walked home Friday afternoon and

despite having gotten off at the same time as Harry, the house was
empty when I got there. I could imagine he was out to get
whatever he needed for the party. I hadn’t been filled in until this
morning when my mom told me. Harry and I were still giving
each other the silent treatment, but he was getting more and more
attractive. Or maybe I was just getting more and more into the
idea of letting him have me, and he kept walking around in his
boxers. But he hadn’t told me about the party, yet apparently our
parents were going out for dinner with a couple of Desmond’
friends while Gemma was going out with her friends, and Sophie
was looked after by their grandparents. It surprised me Harry had
asked for permission when everyone else seemed to do it without
their parents knowledge, but I think that was why Desmond
allowed him to do it.

I grabbed a pair of boxers in my room before I went into the

bathroom and got out of my soaking wet clothes. I turned on the
water in the shower and waited for it to get warm before I stepped
in, shivering when the water hit my cold body. I stood under the
water for a few minutes before I washed my hair, accidentally
letting my mind wander off. I couldn’t get Harry out of my mind,
and it left me painfully hard, a sigh escaping me when I wrapped
a hand around my aching cock. I was lost in thoughts as I worked

131
my hand up and down, putting the other on the wall in front of me
as I imagined Harry behind me. My breathy moans turned into
whimpers when I imagined him fuck me against the wall, hid abs
fluttering against my back as he filled me up. I choked on a moan
as I released against the wall, letting the water rinse it away while
I got myself through it, everything getting back into focus when
my orgasm let go of me.

I stood still for a moment before I finished showering, drying off

and getting into the clean pair of boxers afterwards. I let my wet
clothes hang over the edge of the bathtub so it could dry,
unlocking the door and stopping when I opened it, Harry’s eyes
meeting mine as he looked up from his phone. He was leaning
against the wall across from the bathroom, keeping quiet while he
shamelessly looked me up and down.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked, knowing I

hadn’t bothered to keep quiet when I thought the house was
empty—I must have been too distracted to hear him come home.

“Long enough,” he said, scrunching up his nose to stop himself

from smiling. “Zayn is showering downstairs.”

“So?”

“So I wasn’t listening on purpose.”

I blushed in response, the pair of boxers in his hand letting me

know he was about to shower too. It was the first conversation we
had had since Sunday, and I kept looking at him as if I wanted
more. I did want more, but neither of us knew what that meant,
so instead of leading us into an awkward situation, I left. I went

132
downstairs and into the kitchen, getting myself a bowl of cereal
before I sat down at the kitchen island. It was already filled with
bottles of alcohol, red plastic cups and soda for those who didn’t
drink alcohol.

“I definitely need to get used to this.”

I looked at Zayn as he walked in, my presence semingly

surprising to him. “That makes two of us.”

“Do you like it here?”

“Harry keeps walking around in his boxers, so I’m not

complaining.”

He snorted in response, looking me up and down to remind me I

wasn’t wearing anything but boxers myself. “He talks about you
a lot, you know?”

“He does?”

“Yes.”

“What does he say?”

“A week ago he talked about your ass,” he says. “And yesterday

he talked about your eyes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

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“Hmm.”

I had never imagined Harry as someone who’d talk about

people’s eyes, but I was blushing simply by the thought of it.

“You’re wondering if he’s done it before, yeah?”

“He doesn’t exactly seem like the type.”

“That’s because he’s not.”

’He didn’t explain further, but my mind went somewhere it

shouldn’t. For once it wasn’t sexual, but Zayn made me think
about Harry’s eyes, and they were stupidly beautiful too. I wasn’t
sure what it meant that I was thinking about it, but Liam walked
in before I had time to think about it. Harry hadn’t just taught me
what sexual tension felt like, but also what it looked like, and I
felt out of place as soon as Liam and Zayn looked at each other.
Neither of them said anything, but I could tell it wasn’t purely
sexual. Zayn seemed nervous around Liam while it used to be the
other way around, but it was obvious he was confused about what
it meant. It wasn’t until Harry walked in the tension broke, Harry
forcing Zayn’s attention away from Liam while I got up to put my
bowl in the sink.

“Let’s go, Liam.”

“Right, okay.”

He followed me upstairs where I turned on my PlayStation and

handed him a controller. We didn’t talk much and when we did it
wasn’t about anything interesting, both of us being too focused

134
on the game to keep a conversation going. It wasn’t until Harry
came in I paused the game, sitting up so I could take the pizza
trays from him.

“Thank you.” He didn’t say anything but turned around to leave

instead, and I rolled my eyes at his stubbornness. I wasn’t keen
on continuing our silent treatment and especially not since we
talked earlier, but I was as stubborn as he was.

“How about you just give in to him?”

“In what way?”

“All of them.”

I rolled my eyes and opened the pizza tray, taking a piece out
while I decided not to respond. I had thought about what Liam
told me Monday morning, and it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I gave
into Harry. We weren’t stepbrothers yet, so perhaps Liam was
right about taking advantage of it while we could. We didn’t
necessarily have to have sex, but I wouldn’t rule out the
possibility of letting him kiss me again.

***

I was surprised to find out my mom and Desmond were staying

at a hotel for the night. Not because that was strange, but because
they did it to avoid interrupting us. I was sure they had other
reasons too, but I’d rather not think about that and instead, I
watched Harry play beer pong with someone who had brought a
couple of inflatable beer pong hats. It was quite entertaining, but

135
I got up from my spot on the sofa and made my way upstairs when
the urge to pee became too much.

I got into the bathtub when I was done peeing, enjoying the
silence as the music was drowned out enough for me to do so. I
hadn’t had a lot to drink, but Harry had been right about me being
a lightweight, so I was getting closer and closer to the edge of
being tipsy. I suppose that was why it took me an extra few
seconds to notice the door opened when it did and that I had
forgotten to lock it.

“Mind if I take a piss?” Zayn asked as he put his cup down on the
counter.

“No, go ahead.”

I slid further into the bathtub and looked into the ceiling, trying
to focus on something other than the sound of Zayn peeing. He
washed his hands afterwards, and I bend my legs to make room
for him when he got into the bathtub. He didn’t say anything, but
I was confused as to why he decided to stay. I had been convinced
he had snuck off with Liam, which only made me more confused
because Liam was nowhere to be found. I figured they had been
up to something together since Zayn had disappeared too, but I
suppose I had been wrong.

“What did Harry do to get you into bed?”

I looked at him while he smiled and looked into his cup. “He
called me pretty.”

“That easy, huh?”

136
“Don’t.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “He was right, though.”

“About what?”

“You being pretty.”

“I know you’re not drunk, you know?”

He couldn’t blame his flirting on the alcohol when I could tell he

wasn’t drunk enough to do so.

“I know.”

“You’re not fooling me, Zayn Malik.”

I knew bringing up his sexuality wasn’t the best move, but he

didn’t seem bothered by it. At least not in the way I had expected
him to.

“I’m scared.”

He looked into his cup to avoid eye contact, but I was surprised
he decided to confide in me instead of someone else.

“But it feels good, doesn’t it? To give in?”

He nodded and downed what was left in his cup before he threw
it over the edge of the bathtub. He looked at me for another
moment before he pulled me closer by my legs, making me

137
chuckle as I rested them over his. I let him slip his hands under
my shirt, biting my lip as my body reacted to it instantly and
before I knew it, I was sitting on his lap instead. He moved his
hands further down and slipped them into my back pockets while
I tilted my head to the side as he attached his lips to the skin on
my neck. Every part of me melted under his touch, and I let
myself enjoy it despite knowing it was forbidden when Liam had
called dibs on him.

I let my fingers disappear into his hair and tilted my head

backwards when he kissed along my throat, my eyes fluttering
shut when he continued to the other side of my neck. I let out an
involuntary whimper and kept my eyes closed when he kissed
along my jawline instead, continuing until he stopped at my lips.
He hesitated as he brushed his own against them, but eventually,
he kissed me properly, letting his hand rest on the back of my
neck while he licked along my bottom lip to make me part my
lips. The tip of his tongue touched mine, and I sighed as he slipped
it into my mouth, humming in response to the taste of him. It was
nothing compared to Harry, but he was a good kisser.

“Louis.”

I pulled away from Zayn at the sound of Liam’s voice, guilt

settling in my entire body when I saw his disappointed
expression.

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15

“Liam, I—”

“Don’t bother,” he interrupted, closing the door behind him as he

left again.

I sighed and got off Zayn’s lap so I could move back in the
bathtub again.

“Is he okay?”

“No, I messed up.”

“By kissing me?”

“He called dibs on you.”

“He did what?”

“Don’t act so oblivious.”

He sighed and slid further into the bathtub so he could look into
the ceiling instead. “If I tell you a secret, are you gonna tell him?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

139
“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I smiled in response, but he kept looking into the ceiling. It

surprised me Liam had gotten through to him. Not because it was
Liam, but because it was Zayn. He had made it very clear he
didn’t want romance, so the fact that anyone had gotten through
to him was a miracle.

“It’s okay to be scared, you know.”

He looked at me again, chewing on his bottom lip before he spoke

up. “Were you struggling too?”

“Not like this.”

I had been where Zayn was, so I understood why he was scared,

but I had never been afraid to the extent he was.

“How did you get past it?”

“I got tired of suppressing it.”

“How long did you do it for?”

“Not very long, so I can’t even imagine how tired you must be.”

He teared up but blinked them away before they fell. This was the
first time I truly realised how tired he was of fighting it. I still
wasn’t sure why he decided to confide in me, but perhaps it was
easier to talk to someone who was gay and not someone who had
decided he didn’t like labels. There was nothing wrong with

140
Harry’s decision, but I could imagine it was easier to talk to
someone who wasn’t into girls as well. Had Zayn been into girls,
too, he would’ve tried to stick with them, but he can’t do that, so
I’m probably his best option since he won’t talk to Liam.

“I’m not ready yet.”

“No one is forcing you to come out, Zayn.”

He nodded, and I took his hand, holding onto it while I sat with
him in silence. I knew I needed to talk to Liam, but he needed
space before I apologised to him. I hadn’t technically done
anything wrong, but at the same time, I had. In reality, Liam
didn’t have any right to tell me I couldn’t kiss Zayn, but it was a
mistake nevertheless, and I knew that. My relationship with Harry
couldn’t be compared to whatever Liam and Zayn were, but I’d
still be rather annoyed if Liam kissed him. There were certain
rules that shouldn’t be broken when it came to boys, and I had
just broken one by kissing someone he had called dibs on.

“Are you gonna let Harry kiss you again?”

I looked at him again, sensing his need to change the topic.

“Maybe.”

“Really?” he asked, sounding rather surprised. “I thought you

were a lost cause.”

“Is that what he said?”

“Yeah.”

141
“I’m not.”

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that. I have a feeling you’re

different from the rest.”

“I’m no different, Zayn, I’m just more interesting because it’s

forbidden.”

“Don’t you think it’s interesting yourself?”

“Very.”

He hummed in response, another few minutes passing before we

decided to get out of the bathtub. We went downstairs again, and
Zayn disappeared into the kitchen while I found Liam in the living
room.

He looked up at me when as I sat down next to him and

apologized. “He’s not mine.”

“Doesn’t make it any less wrong.”

“He doesn’t want me, Louis, so it’s probably better to forget about
it.”

“Right.”

I was tempted to tell him about my conversation with Zayn, but I

had promised Zayn not to say anything. It really wasn’t my place
to be, not even if it would cheer Liam up.

“We were kissing, you know? Before he went upstairs to pee.”

142
“He didn’t say that.”

My suspicions about what they had been up to were right, so I

wasn’t too surprised. Maybe a little because Zayn hadn’t
mentioned it in his eagerness to confide in me, but I couldn’t
expect him to tell me every detail of his confusing life.

“That’s because he regrets it every time.”

“How about you give him some time to figure himself out?”

“You were the one who told me to give up on him.”

“He’ll get there eventually, Liam.”

He looked at me for a few seconds but decided not to say

anything. Instead, he took my hand to reassure me he wasn’t mad
at me, a comfortable silence falling between us while my eyes
found Harry. The girl next to him was desperately trying to get
his attention, but Harry seemed uninterested, which was
satisfying to watch. Especially since Bella was rather popular and
therefore not rejected very often.

She was still desperate an hour later, but Harry still seemed as
uninterested as before, yet he was still letting her sit sideways on
his lap. Most of the guys seemed mesmerized by her beauty, but
despite the simple gesture of slipping his hand under her shirt to
rest it on her waist, Harry’s eyes were still piercing into mine
instead of hers. I let mine fall to his other hand when Bella took
ahold of it and made him move it further up until it disappeared
under his skirt. It was still innocent enough for it to be

143
appropriate, Harry simply resting it on her thigh, but it was too
much for me to stay. Jealousy had never been a problem of mine,
but right now it was more prominent than any other feeling in my
body, and it was too unfamiliar for me to understand it.

“Where are you going?” Liam asked.

“I need more alcohol,” I said, looking at Harry one more time

before I left the living room and went into the kitchen instead.

I threw the rest of my beer in the sink and filled my cup with
vodka instead, letting it burn in my throat when I took a sip. It
was cliche to drink the jealousy away, but I finally understood
what the need was about. What I didn’t understand was why I was
jealous in the first place.

I drank cup after cup, mixing the vodka with everything else until
it all tasted the same. I had no sense of time, but I was watching
Harry and Zayn talk, my mind too fuzzy to catch the words of
their obvious argument. Zayn left in the middle of it, and Harry
was left with an emotion I couldn’t read when I was drunk. His
eyes met mine, but when Bella approached him, he seemed to care
less about me and more about her, their lips meeting before I
could react to the fact that it was about to happen.

“Fuck that,” I mumbled, downing what was left in my cup before

I threw it away.

I opened the door to the backyard and disappeared outside, my

feet leading me towards the trampoline despite the darkness. I
could feel my clothes getting wet once I laid down, my socks
already soaked from having walked over the grass without shoes

144
on. The smell of rain was strong, and I was positive the stars
above me weren’t real. It was too clouded for stars, yet I kept
looking up, having no idea how long it had been when I heard
Harry’s voice.

“Louis.”

“Harryyy,” I said, reaching out for him despite the darkness.

“Come look at the stars with me.”

“It’s too clouded for stars.”

“Oh.”

“What have you been drinking?”

“Everything.”

“How much?”

“Too much.”

“You wanna come with me inside? It’s starting to rain.”

“Then let it rain.”

I closed my eyes at the first few raindrops, smiling when it

became more and more. I let my arms fall to the side and giggled
when it started pouring down, Harry letting me enjoy the moment
until he had had enough. I decided not to fight him when he pulled
me into a sitting position and then onto my feet, letting me hold
onto him so I didn’t fall.

145
“Can you walk on your own?”

“I don’t think my legs work.”

He chuckled in response and turned around before he asked me

to jump. I took hold of his shoulders and jumped onto his back,
wrapping my arms and legs around him before he carried me
inside. The house was almost empty, and I closed my eyes while
Harry carried me upstairs and into my room, putting me down on
my feet before he took my face in his hands.

“I’ll be right back, okay?”

I hummed in response and stood still while he left my room,

tilting my head backwards to look up at the stars in my ceiling. I
started spinning around slowly, not fast enough to get dizzy, but
fast enough to make the ceiling spin. Harry stopped me when he
came back in with a water bottle, smiling at me while he took the
lid off and put the bottle to my lips, tilting it to make me drink
from it. He put it down afterwards and asked me to lift my arms
so he could pull my shirt off, letting it fall to the floor before he
reached down to unbutton my jeans.

“You kissed her,” I said, looking down at his fingers when he slid
down my zipper. “I saw you kiss her.”

“Bella?”

“Mmm.”

146
He smiled in response to my obvious jealousy, making me sit
down on my bed so he could pull off my jeans and socks.

“It was just a kiss.”

“I wanna kiss you too.”

“Not tonight.”

“Why not?”

“You’re not capable of making decisions for yourself.”

I pouted but crawled under the duvet as I was freezing cold from
having been outside in the rain. “Will you stay here?”

“Louis.”

“Please.”

I didn’t blame him for hesitating. If I had been sober I wouldn’t

have suggested it, and he knew that. He was afraid I’d snap in the
morning, but his eagerness outweighed his urge to say no. It was
innocent enough, and I suppose that was why he gave in, letting
me know he was gonna get a bucket in case I needed to throw up.
I waited for him patiently, smiling when he came back in with the
bucket and put it down next to my bed, stripping down to his
boxers before he turned off the lights. He crawled over me so I
was closest to the edge, finding his way to my body once he had
gotten under the duvet.

147
“You’re so cold,” he said, surrounding me with warmth when he
cuddled up behind me.

I sighed in relief, a pleasant sensation filling my body at the

feeling of his skin against mine. There was nothing sexual about
it, but I couldn’t put the feeling into words. My heart rate was
increasing along with Harry’s and even though my body was
craving sleep, I tried to stay awake to make the moment last
longer. Eventually, I had to give up and let myself fall asleep,
feeling his lips against the skin on my neck before I went out like
a light.

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16

I woke up nauseous, needing a moment to understand what was

happening before I unwrapped myself from harry and turned
around so I could lean over the edge of my bed and throw up into
the bucket. It surprised me that I remembered Harry had put it
there as everything else seemed to be a blur. At least after I got
drunk.

“You okay?” Harry asked, his voice seeming to be even deeper in

the morning.

I took a moment to breathe before I laid down properly again.

“No.”

I normally never struggled with nausea after drinking, but I had

been drinking more than I usually did, so I suppose it wasn’t a
surprise.

“I’ll get you some painkillers.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled, letting him crawl over me and out of

my bed.

I watched him disappear out of my room, and another wave of

nausea rushed over me at the same time. Harry came back while

149
I was still throwing up, putting the pills down on my bedside table
before he opened the window to get some fresh air in.

“Take the pills and go back to sleep.”

“Are you leaving?”

“I have a house to clean.”

He didn’t look at me but turned around to leave. I sighed in

response, but instead of going after him I took the painkillers and
drank what was left in the bottle, curling up under my duvet
afterwards. The silent treatment had never been fun, but with
Harry it was torture. It was still surprising to me that I enjoyed
spending time with him. He was the definition of tall and
handsome, yet he was awkward and soft at the same time, and it
had been refreshing to find out there was more to him than his
fuckboy appearance. He had brought a certain thrill of excitement
into my life, and I needed him to interact with me again.

***

I took a shower when I woke up again, brushing my teeth before

I took a clean pair of boxers on and headed downstairs. I couldn’t
remember how messy the house had been when we went to bed,
nor could I remember why we went to bed together. I knew for a
fact we hadn’t had sex because not only was I not sore, but Harry
wouldn’t have taken advantage of my neediness even if I had been
drunk enough to beg for it. But the house was still a mess even
though Harry had been cleaning while I slept, and he was walking
around in his boxers, throwing cup after cup into a plastic bag.

150
I walked into the kitchen to take a glass of water, leaning against
the counter afterwards while I made myself a toast. Harry walked
in while I ate it, and he put the plastic bag down before he leaned
against the kitchen island across from me, watching me for a few
seconds before he spoke up.

“Do you feel better?”

“Yes,” I mumbled with my mouth full.

“Are you gonna tell me why you kissed Zayn?”

I raised my eyebrows, but he didn’t tell me why he wanted to

know. I remembered the kiss clearly, yet why it had happened in
the first place was still a mystery. “I don’t have an explanation.”

“No?”

“Are you jealous?”

“Absolutely,” he admitted. “We argued about it too.”

“Why?”

“I asked him to keep his hands off you, but he didn’t.”

I almost choked on the toast, not seeming to understand what he

was telling me. “You can’t do that.”

“Of course I can. Liam asked the same of you, didn’t he?”

151
“Yeah, but…” I trailed off because technically he was right—if
he had called dibs on me, Zayn wasn’t allowed to touch me, but
it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t okay with it. “You can’t ask
people to stay away from me.”

“Why not?”

“I’m never gonna get anything if you do.”

“I know someone who’ll gladly give it to you.”

I put the rest of my toast down when he moved closer to me, my

heart rate increasing in response. I hadn’t given him permission
to flirt with me, but I wasn’t gonna ask him to stop. I didn’t want
him to. I needed him to continue enough to let him place his hands
on my hips.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I wanna spend time with you. Between the sheets. Over and over
again.”

I almost whimpered in response, biting my lip to stop it from

happening. I reached out to put my hands on his shoulders,
moving them down his arms before I let them rest on his biceps.
“I know.”

“You’ve been thinking about it, haven’t you?”

“All the time,” I admitted.

152
I let my touch gravitate from his biceps to just under his chest,
fingers spreading out across the skin while his abs tensed up as I
had expected them to.

“Doesn’t it turn you on? To be that bad?”

“We shouldn’t,” I whispered, placing a hand on the back of his

neck while he pressed his body against mine.

He bumped his nose with mine, making me close my eyes as he

put a hand on my cheek and stroked my cheekbone with his
thumb. “Let’s bend the rules, baby.”

“Okay.”

He smirked in response. I moaned into his mouth the second our

lips met, tongues colliding instantly. I knew we were stepping
into something dangerous, but the butterflies were erupting in my
stomach and the guilt I should be feeling was nowhere to be
found. I pulled away in response, putting a hand on his cheek
when he looked slightly panicked, momentarily expecting me to
snap like the last time.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing, I just…” I stopped myself, waiting for the guilt to settle

in, but when it didn’t I kissed him again.

He smiled into it, and we kissed until our lips were numb,
continuing until we heard the front door open. Harry moved away
from me and tried his best not to smile when our parents walked
into the kitchen.

153
 ***

During dinner, our parents told us they were getting married in

five weeks. It didn’t come as a surprise that it was so soon, but it
made me reconsider my decision to give into Harry. Five weeks
was hardly enough time to get the sexual tension out of our
system, and I knew he felt the same by the way he looked at me
when they told us. Despite what my mom had told us at the
restaurant, the wedding was gonna be big, but I didn’t blame them
for wanting to celebrate properly.

“I have a proposal for you.”

I looked up at Harry when he closed my door, watching him as he

walked towards my bed and pushed my laptop away. “Okay?”

He sat down in front of me. “How about we keep our hands off
each other?”

“That’s your proposal?”

“They’re getting married in five weeks,” he reminded me, getting

onto his knees before he pushed me backwards so he could lie
down on top of me, “but keeping our hands off each other doesn’t
mean we can’t kiss.”

“Kissing leads to other things.”

“Not if we don’t let it.”

154
I was surprised he was willing to make this agreement when I
knew how much he wanted to have sex. But it also made sense
once I thought about it. We’d be wasting valuable time only
kissing, but we only had two options to choose from. Either we
fucked every chance we got or we didn’t. The best option was the
last because we couldn’t spend five weeks getting used to
something that wasn’t gonna last.

“Then kiss me.”

He smirked in response and let his lips meet mine, once again
kissing me until my lips were numb and my jaw hurt. This was
what I had been talking about when I said I’d enjoy kissing for
hours without doing anything else, and Harry only made it better
by being the excellent kisser he was. It was terrifying how I had
been so guilty I couldn’t look my mom in the eyes, yet now the
only thing I was feeling was butterflies and not a hint of the guilt
I felt before. I suppose Liam had gotten through to me in a way
Harry hadn’t been able to.

“Is this better than Zayn?” he asked, making me chase his lips
when he pulled away.

“Is it better than Bella?”

“You remember that.”

“Vividly.”

Pieces of last night had come back to me throughout the day, just
like they always did.

155
“I only kissed her because you kissed Zayn.”

“Have you ever slept with her?”

“No.”

“Never twice, right?”

I knew the answer was no before I asked. If he had slept with her,
he wouldn’t have kissed her yesterday.

“Only you.”

He took ahold of my chin and licked his way into my mouth,

tongue moving against mine while he relaxed on top of me,
moving his hand from my chin and into my hair instead. I
wrapped my legs around him and forced him closer to me, smiling
into the kiss when I felt him grow hard against me.

“Maybe we should stop now,” I suggested.

He bit down on my bottom lip in response, making me moan

softly before he sucked on it. “Is that really what you want?”

“No.”

I let him kiss me again, continuing until my door opened, Liam’s

presence calming me down before I had enough time to panic.
Harry seemed relieved too, but we should’ve known it was Liam.
Not only was it Saturday, but everyone else knocked before they
walked in. But even then, it was a reminder of how careful we

156
needed to be—getting caught by our parents or Gemma wasn’t an
option.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Harry said, getting up before he adjusted

himself in his boxers and left my room.

“I thought you weren’t going there,” Liam said, sitting down in

front of me when I sat up again.

I told him about our agreement, and he seemed to understand

where I was coming from. Sex was a bad idea because as I said
before, it would only get us addicted to something that couldn’t
last.

157
17

The next month went by fast and within that time, everyone found
out about our parents. It made Harry less flirty during school
hours, which was understandable, and I appreciated him for being
careful. It was different at home, his flirty comments making me
blush while our parents didn’t catch onto any of it. Gemma
seemed suspicious, but she hadn’t said anything, yet I had a
feeling it was only a matter of time. Harry wasn’t particularly
subtle when he put a hand on my thigh under the table, and while
our parents didn’t think too much about why we spend so much
time together during the evening, it made Gemma more
suspicious than the flirting.

She didn’t dare to walk in without knocking though. Not because

she was afraid she’d catch us doing something inappropriate, but
because it wasn’t polite. It was good she didn’t because most of
the time we were caught up in a make-out session rather than the
movie, my lips satisfyingly numb whenever we stopped. We
never took it further than kissing, somehow finding the willpower
to stop each other whenever our hands went to places they
shouldn’t.

“Louis.”

158
I looked up at Niall when he sat down next to me. He hadn’t
talked to me since I told him my mom was marrying Harry’s dad.
He had simply stopped interacting with me, but now it seemed
like he had made a decision. I didn’t want him to ask me out again,
but the conversation gave me the opportunity to get distracted
from the fact that Harry was currently half-naked and about to
take a shower as PE had ended a few minutes ago.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I wanted to ask you out.”

I sighed in response, knowing the right thing was to reject him,

but I couldn’t find it in myself to do so. “When?”

“Whenever you’re free.”

My first instinct was to postpone it as much as I could. The

wedding was next Saturday, and Harry and I had been forced into
helping out all week, so even if I had wanted to get it over with
instead of postponing it, it wasn’t an option.

“I already have plans this weekend, not to mention I’m on

wedding duty next week, so if we can push it to the weekend after
the wedding, that would be great.”

I didn’t have plans over the weekend, but he didn’t need to know
that. It would simply have been too soon.

“So two weeks from today?”

“Yeah. You have a football game that Friday, right?”

159
“Yes.”

“I’ll come and watch and then you can take me out afterwards.”

“Great,” he smiled, looking at me for another moment before he

left the locker room.

He hadn’t had PE with us, but no one had stopped him from
walking into the locker room. I looked at Harry again, his wet
body luring me in until I had enough willpower to look away
again. I stripped off myself and took the other end of the shower
so there were at least four guys between us, everyone always
rushing when PE was right before lunch. Harry and I were the
only ones who seemed to be in less of a rush, knowing we’d get
the locker room to ourselves as soon as everyone else cleared out.

“Come here,” he said, closing his jeans while the locker room
door closed after the last person left.

He was still shirtless, my hands tracing along his muscles when I

reached him, and he tilted my head backwards before he kissed
me. I hummed into it, each kiss growing deeper and more
desperate than the last, every slide of his tongue against mine
turning me on as much as the taste of him. I found myself blindly
reaching down to unbutton his jeans, Harry stopping me before I
got them open. He pushed me away carefully, making me sit
down so we could take a break before we got too turned on to
stop.

“Niall asked me out again,” I said.

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“He did what?”

I chuckled at his jealousy, laughing when he pulled me onto my

feet and sat down instead of me, pulling me onto his lap. “He
asked me out.”

“Did you say yes?”

“Mmm.”

“Why?”

“He deserves a chance, doesn’t he?”

It was about more than that. He did deserve a chance, but it was
also a good distraction. Harry was growing on me in ways that
were terrifying. While spending time together during the evening,
we talked too, and it was an inconvenience that I enjoyed it. I was
getting a bit too comfortable in his company, getting excited
every time he came into my room, and it wasn’t only because of
the kissing anymore, it was because of the conversations too. It
was scary because the wrong kind of feelings had slowly but
surely started to grow inside me. Niall would be the perfect
distraction and maybe he’d show me a side of him I hadn’t seen
yet.

“It’s just a date, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said, brushing my lips against his. “You don’t have to

be jealous.”

“I’m not.”

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“You’re lying.”

“Maybe.” He put a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me

the rest of the way in, hands grabbing my ass to pull me closer.
“We have a problem, you know?”

“Why?” I asked, taking his bottom lip between my teeth before I

let him explain, pulling back to look at him.

“We’re home alone tonight.”

“Why is that a problem?”

“Because of the possibilities.”

“What possibilities.”

I knew what he was getting at, but I wanted to hear him say it.

“An empty house is gonna lead to touching.”

“Is that so?”

He hummed in response while I traced my thumbs along his

cheekbones. “I won’t be able to hold back.”

“We need company then.”

“We can make a movie night out of it,” he suggested. “Invite

Zayn and Liam.”

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“That’s a dangerous combination.”

“Might be fun.”

“Okay, then.”

“Just a little more kissing first.”

I chuckled in response and leaned back in to kiss him, his lips

moving against mine so perfectly you’d think we were meant to
be.

***

Liam and Zayn agreed without putting up much of a fight, and

once everyone had left the house, I went into Harry’s room and
closed the door behind me. He was sitting on the edge of his bed
with his guitar, and I leaned against the door to watch him play,
his eyes meeting mine while he stopped playing.

“You don’t have to stop,” I said, moving further into his room
before I looked around. His desk was filled with different
notebooks, note sheets and pencils, Harry seeming to keep an
organized mess. “Can I take a look?”

“Go ahead.”

I took one of the notebooks and flipped through the pages, half-
written lyrics scattered across the pages in his messy handwriting.
I stopped midway, those being the last lyrics, the name of the song
written down in all caps; Adore You.

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The lyrics were written underneath, my bottom lip caught
between my teeth as I read them; walk in your rainbow paradise.
Strawberry lipstick state of mind. I get so lost inside your eyes.
Would you believe it? You don’t have to say you love me. You
don’t have to say nothing. You don’t have to say you’re mine.

“This is good,” I said.

“Thank you.”

“When did you write it?”

“I’ve been working on it over the past two weeks.”

“You wanna tell me who you’re writing about?”

He stayed quiet, so I looked at him, eyes locking with mine before

he came up with an answer. “Pure imagination, I guess.”

I hummed in response and looked into the notebook again,

reading what I could only assume were the chorus; Honey. I’d
walk through fire for you. Just let me adore you. Oh, honey. I’d
walk through fire for you. Just let me adore you. Like it’s the only
thing I’ll ever do. Like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do.

“Can I hear it?”

I closed the notebook while he placed his fingers on the strings,

the melody the same as the one he had been playing when I came

164
in. I smiled in response, letting it grow bigger when he started
singing the lyrics I had just been reading. I knew his voice was
good, but it was surprisingly beautiful when he sang one of his
own songs, eyes piercing into mine the whole time.

“It still needs a bit of touching up,” he said, cheeks turning a faint
shade of red while he put his guitar down.

“No, it’s perfect.”

“You think so?”

I nodded and moved closer to him, running my fingers through

his hair while I stood between his legs. He looked up at me and
ran his hands from the back of my knees and along my thighs,
forcing me down on his lap.

“Is there anything you can’t do?”

“I can’t get you into bed.”

I chuckled while he scrunched up his nose to keep himself from

smilin. “Do you know you scrunch up your nose whenever you
try not to smile?”

“I do?”

“Yeah. And you stick out your tongue every time you’re about to
take a bite of something.”

“Observant, aren’t you?”

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“I just like watching you.”

He kissed me in response, and I melted into it, pressing myself

closer to him while he slipped his hands under my shirt. I was
momentarily considering giving in to him, but the doorbell forced
us to stop, and he lifted me up with him, allowing me to kiss him
for another moment before he set me down.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Louis Tomlinson.”

“What an absolute pleasure,” I teased, making him snort before

we left his room to go downstairs, Zayn and Liam inches away
from kissing when we accidentally interrupted them by opening
the door.

“Do you want a minute?” Harry asked.

“Piss off,” Zayn gritted, pushing past him so he could get inside,
Liam’s cheeks bright red when he walked in after him.

Harry ordered pizza, and we gathered around the dinner table

when it arrived, an awkward silence falling between us as neither
of us knew what to say. There was a noticeable tension between
Liam and Zayn, but it was awkward rather than sexual.

“Did you drive here together?” Harry asked.

“No, we just got here at the same time,” Liam mumbled, looking
up at me to let me know he was lying.

It made me wonder if Zayn had simply picked him up or if they

had spent time together after school. And if they had, it was a

166
mystery why they were about to kiss outside when they had most
likely done it all afternoon. I asked Liam about it when we were
done eating, letting Zayn and Harry clean up while we went
upstairs to get my duvet as we were gonna watch movies in the
living room.

“Why did you lie?” I asked, sitting down on my bed while he did
the same.

“He told me not to say anything.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s ashamed, Lou.”

“Did he just pick you up or—”

“I went with him home after school.”

“To do what?”

“Each other.”

“Each other?”

“Not like that. We only kissed.”

“Okay.”

I decided not to ask him about anything else. I could tell he didn’t
want to talk about it, and I didn’t blame him for it. Liam liked
Zayn, but he was having a hard time dealing with his

167
embarrassment. I was tempted to tell him that Zayn liked him
back, but I had promised Zayn not to, and it was for the best
anyway. If Zayn wanted him to know, he’d tell him.

“Let’s go,” he said.

“Right.”

We got up, and I took my duvet with me downstairs where Harry

was sprawled across the small sofa. Zayn had taken the big one,
and Liam sat down in the other end as he didn’t want to ask Harry
to move. It wasn’t gonna be particularly comfortable to be sitting
between them, so I made Harry lift his legs so I could sit down,
letting him rest them over mine while he scrolled through Netflix.

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18

It was outright painful to watch Liam and Zayn struggle with the
space between them. They kept looking at each other, blushing
and looking away whenever they caught each other, and if I
wasn’t seeing things, Zayn was slowly moving closer to him.
Meanwhile, Harry’s legs were still resting over mine, and I was
gently tracing my fingers over his knee, gradually moving them
further up. He didn’t react to it until he could tell I was trying to
tease him, fingers slipping between his legs and along his inner
thighs, his breath hitching in response.

“Louis,” he whispered, eyes warning me to stop.

I knew we had agreed on keeping it to kissing, but I couldn’t help

myself as I moved my fingers further up. He closed his eyes when
I traced my fingers along the outline of his hardening member,
forcing a gasp out of him when I increased the pressure. He
reached out for the remote and turned up the volume to make sure
it drowned out any accidental moans now that he knew I wasn’t
gonna stop. I wanted to take things further with him, but not to
the extent of sex. Not when I knew there was only a week left
until we were officially stepbrothers. And maybe I was naive
enough to think a bit of teasing wasn’t gonna lead to more.

169
Yet even while knowing I was crossing a line, I got his jeans open
with one hand, sliding down the zipper before I carefully slipped
a hand into them. He bit down on his lip, and I palmed him
through his boxers until he was fully hard, carefully tugging on
his waistband afterwards so I could trace my thumb over the head
of his cock as it was now free. He bit down on his lip harder, eyes
rolling while I continued until my thumb was wet from precum.

“Liam, shut up.”

I stopped what I was doing and looked at Liam and Zayn instead,
Harry doing the same. I had been too caught up in Harry’s facial
expressions, so I hadn’t noticed they had started talking. Zayn
seemed frustrated, and Liam was hurt in one way or another.

“I just—”

“No, you have to stop,” Zayn interrupted, getting up while Liam

seemed to panic slightly before he got up with him.

I let Harry close his jeans so we could both sit up properly,

watching Liam as he grabbed Zayn’s wrist to stop him.

“Please, Zayn.”

“What do want, Liam?”

“An answer.”

“I can’t give you the one you want.”

“Then why do you keep leading me on?”

170
Zayn raised his eyebrows but seemed to calm down. Even though
Zayn was struggling, Liam had a point. Zayn should take all the
time he needed to get comfortable with who he was, but he needed
to keep Liam out of it. Liam was already out of the closet, and he
couldn’t handle not knowing whether or not Zayn was gonna get
there eventually. It was tiring for him that Zayn couldn’t make up
his mind, and not only because Liam was fragile, but also because
he needed stability. He wanted love more than anything, and it
was painful to watch him fall for someone who didn’t.

“I didn’t mean to,” Zayn began. “I just… I’ve always had feelings
for boys, Liam, I’ve just never understood it. I felt ashamed every
time I kissed a boy, but then I kissed you, and I… I felt like I
could finally breathe. You’re like coming up for air, which is why
I keep kissing you, but I’m scared.”

“Why?” Liam asked, almost whispering.

“If I were to come out, nothing would be familiar anymore. I

just… it’s terrifying.”

“I know. I’ve been through it.”

“My parents aren’t like yours, Liam.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re gonna kick me out.”

Liam’s expression softened, and he let his tears fall in response to

Zayn’s words. His voice was shaking, letting Liam know he’d

171
genuinely end up homeless if he came out. It wasn’t just
something he imagined, and either his parents had joked about it,
or they had straight up told him what was gonna happen if he
came home with a boy instead of a girl. It was heartbreaking.

“I’m sorry,” Liam said.

“It’s not your fault.”

Liam stayed quiet while Zayn left the living room to go upstairs
instead. Liam stood quietly for a few seconds before he sat down
and hid his face in his hands.

“Maybe you should go talk to him, Louis.”

I frowned in response. “Why me?”

“You got through to him in the bathtub, didn’t you?”

“How do you know that?”

“He told me.”

I sighed in response, but I knew Zayn hadn’t gone as far as telling

him about our conversation in detail. I wasn’t sure what he was
expecting me to say to him, but I got up because it was the right
thing to do. Zayn needed someone who wasn’t Liam or his best
friend. It seemed like he had an easier time talking to someone he
wasn’t close to, and I’d gladly let him confide in me if he needed
it.

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“Zayn?” He looked up at me from Harry’s bed, sighing before he
looked down again. “You okay?”

“It’s a mess, Louis.”

I closed the door and sat down next to him, making him turn
around to face me. He was vulnerable in a way I hadn’t seen him
before. Whatever his parents had told him was clearly bothering
him.

“How do you know your parents are gonna kick you out?”

“They told me.”

“Why?”

“I think they know I’m gay.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know, I just… I have a feeling.”

“So they told you as a warning?”

“I think so.”

Being stuck in the closet was worse than being kicked out. I
hadn’t experienced it, but staying in the closet was painful, to say
the least. I hadn’t stayed there for long, but I knew it would’ve
been torture if I had had to suppress that part of me.

“That sucks.”

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“What do you think I should do?”

“That’s not up to me.”

“What would you do?”

“I’d take the risk.”

“Why?”

“Because hiding who I am would tear me apart. I understand that

family is important, but so is your happiness, Zayn. They don’t
have the right to take it away just because they’re your parents.
You have the right to be happy and love whoever you want. I
know it’s gonna hurt if they kick you out, but they don’t deserve
you if they do.”

“I don’t want to hate them, Louis.”

“You’re allowed to hate your family if they give you a reason to.”

He took a moment to take it in, chewing on the inside of his cheek

while he did so. No one wanted to be disowned by their family,
so I didn’t blame him for being scared. A part of me was naive
enough to think his parents would change their minds about
kicking him out. He was their son after all. But I also knew a
parent would never threaten their child unless they meant it.

“Where am I gonna stay if they kick me out?”

“Here, I reckon.”

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“You think your parents would agree to that?”

“Definitely. And when Harry gets tired of you, I’m right across
the hall.”

He chuckled in response, but it was important to me that he knew

he had us despite not having his family. “Does that benefit me or
him?”

“That depends on what he wants.”

If Harry needed privacy, I’d take Zayn, but if Zayn needed

privacy, I’d take Harry. If Harry wanted my company for reasons
that weren’t innocent, he was gonna have to stay with Zayn
because after the wedding, we couldn’t continue messing around.

“Right.”

“You could probably stay with Liam too.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

I knew it was a long shot, but Liam would take him in in a

heartbeat. “If you get kicked out, you’re free to do whatever you
want. You can be with Liam if that’s what you want, so staying
with him wouldn’t be that big of a problem, now would it?”

“Except I… I’m not sure about the whole sex thing.”

“Oh.”

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“It’s just that… I’ve never been with a guy. And I’ve refused to
watch porn, so I don’t really know anything.”

“Just take it slow, Zayn. Liam knows what he’s doing.”

Liam would never expect Zayn to know everything, nor would he

pressure him into doing something he wasn’t ready for.

***

Harry and I appreciated every moment we got before the

wedding, snuggling up on the couch despite Liam and Zayn still
being there. We were holding onto something that wasn’t gonna
last, my body on top of his while Liam turned up the volume to
drown out the sound of our kissing. Harry turned us halfway
around so we were pressed against each other, legs slipping
between each other while my hand disappeared into his hair. He
slipped a hand into my back pocket, pulling me even closer to
him, his hardening member pressing against mine.

“Ew,” Liam said, hearing the moan I accidentally let out.

I smiled against Harry’s lips, and he took my bottom lip between

his teeth, letting it go before he licked his way into my mouth
again.

“Take this off,” I whispered, tugging on his shirt until he moved

enough to pull it over his head.

He threw it to the floor and pulled me close again, making me

hum when his lips met mine. His skin was warm under my

176
fingers, and I let him move us around again, getting onto my back
so he could lay down between my legs. The sofa wasn’t exactly
big, but we made it work, and he pulled my duvet over our heads
before he kissed me again.

“I need you closer,” he said, making me wrap my legs around him

despite knowing it wasn’t enough.

Fewer clothes would’ve been enough. I needed to feel his naked

body against mine, but it was forbidden, so we took what we
could get while we had the chance.

“Your parents are home, guys.”

We pulled away in response to Liam’s words, getting into a sitting

position before our parents walked into the living room. We made
sure to keep the duvet over us as we were both painfully hard,
Harry’s hand placed on my thigh while I ran a hand through my
hair. Our parents didn’t say much, but simply let us know they
were home before they went to bed.

“We should go too,” Harry said, giving my thigh a gentle squeeze

before he got up.

I sunk further into the sofa and wrapped the duvet around me as I
was too lazy to get up. “I’m just gonna sleep here.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You’re gonna have to carry me, then.”

“Then get up.”

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“Fine.”

I stood up in the sofa, and he turned around so I could get onto

his back, wrapping the duvet around us both. Zayn and Liam
followed us upstairs, and I kissed along Harry’s neck until he put
me down in my room.

“You’re a tease.”

“I know.”

He kissed me softly a couple of times before he left my room. I

bit my lip to stop myself from smiling, the mess I had gotten
myself in seemingly growing bigger every time he kissed me.
Liam and I took off our clothes, and I left my room to go to the
bathroom, peeing before I brushed my teeth. I turned off the lights
when I came back and crawled into bed next to Liam.

“You’re falling for him,” he said after a moment of silence.

I continued looking up at the stars while I thought about it. I was

falling for him, but admitting it to myself wasn’t as scary as
admitting it out loud. We hadn’t known each other for very long,
so it was quite an adjustment, not to talk about how we’d never
be more than stepbrothers. I was positive Harry wasn’t anywhere
near feeling what I was feeling, having decided love wasn’t
something he wanted in his life. It wasn’t something I wanted
either and especially not with someone I couldn’t have any kind
of romantic future with.

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“And you’re falling for Zayn,” I said, forcing the attention onto
him and Zayn instead of Harry and I.

“You’re avoiding what’s important.”

“It’s not important.”

“Why not?”

“You said it yourself, didn’t you? I can’t fall in love with him.”

“But what if you do?”

“You tell me.”

He sighed in response, both of us knowing it was a difficult

situation. I suppose I needed to find a way to fall back out of
whatever I was falling into, but I didn’t want to. Harry made me
feel alive in a way I hadn’t expected him to, and I wanted to hold
onto it. I was scared of getting my heart broken, but knowing we
were never gonna be more than family was heartbreaking in itself.

179
19

I snuck into Harry’s room when Zayn and Liam had left. Zayn
had woken Liam and I up to offer Liam a ride home at 9 am. It
would’ve been easier for Zayn if he had slept at home when he
had work in the morning, and it would’ve been easier for Liam if
he had said no. I could’ve driven him home later, but a ride from
Zayn gave him the opportunity to spend time with him. It wasn’t
more than ten minutes, but it seemed to matter nonetheless.

I crawled under Harry’s duvet as he was still in bed, putting an

arm around him before he turned around instead. His eyes were
still closed as he pulled me into his arms, his half-naked body
pressed against mine under the warm duvet. I sighed in relief and
nuzzled further into him, wondering if my feelings for him were
gonna continue growing even after we stopped doing what we
did.

“This is nice,” he said.

I hummed in response, knowing this was a new addition to our

agreement. We had kissed and kissed and kissed, but never once
during the past month had we cuddled. We had left each others
rooms before we could get far enough to do so, fearing for the
possibility of falling asleep in each others rooms. It wouldn’t be
unexplainable if we got caught sleeping in the same bed. We

180
spent most nights together already and our parents knew that, so
falling asleep in the same bed wasn’t the issue. The issue was
getting caught before we woke up and with our bodies
intertwined.

“What are you doing?” I asked, biting my lip when he slipped a

hand into my boxers and squeezed my ass gently.

“Just let me.”

“Okay.”

I had taken it a lot further last night, working him up only to

deprive him of an orgasm when Liam and Zayn’s argument got
in the way. I let him do as he pleased because of that, the pleasure
a bonus I couldn’t say no to.

“You’re getting hard.”

“So are you.”

“I know.”

I looked up at him, staring into his eyes before I accidentally let

them fall to his lips. He leaned in and bumped his nose with mine,
but I pulled back and looked into his eyes again.

“No kissing.”

“Why not?”

“We haven’t brushed our teeth yet.”

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He pouted, but he knew as well as me that making out with
morning breath wasn’t particularly pleasant. “We don’t have to
use tongue.”

I smiled and leaned in to kiss him, letting our lips move against
each other gently until I rolled onto him instead. He pulled his
duvet of us when it got too warm underneath it, the sudden cold
making me shiver, but it passed quickly as his hands were all over
my body. I stopped kissing him and attached my lips to his neck
instead, tongue trailing his skin while he squeezed my ass again,
this time with both his hands. It caused our hardening members
to press against each other, a soft moan escaping us both as soon
as it happened, eyes rolling before I bit down on his skin.

“Now that’s what I thought.”

I whined in response to Gemma’s voice, rolling off Harry before

I accidentally rolled off his bed too, groaning when I landed on
the floor.

“Why didn’t you knock?” Harry asked while I got up, getting into
a sitting position and leaned against the headboard before he
pulled his duvet over himself to hide his obvious erection.

I covered mine with my hands once I stood up, looking at Gemma

who was standing with a rather restless Sophie. It seemed like she
was determined to get out of her hold, whining and squirming to
succeed.

“I thought you were asleep,” Gemma said.

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“Then why did you come in?”

“Sophie wants you.”

“Did she tell you that?”

Gemma sighed in response as she clearly wasn’t in the mood for

jokes. “She has kept me up all night, Harry.”

“Go to sleep, then. I’ll take her.”

Gemma sighed in relief while Sophie stopped crying the moment

Harry took her. It was quite impressive, but we all knew he had a
certain way of calming her down. He had picked up the habit of
letting her sleep in his bed when it was impossible for Gemma to
get her to sleep, but last night they had slept at their grandparents’
house, so Harry hadn’t been there to take her.

“Is one of you gonna tell me what just happened here?”

I looked at Harry, and he looked at me, neither of us knowing

what to say. We couldn’t come up with an excuse when we had
just been caught in the act.

“We just…” Harry stopped himself, unable to come up with an

explanation that made sense—we were doing something we
shouldn’t, so I doubt Gemma would understand it.

“Why would you let this happen?”

“In our defence,” I began, “it happened before we knew about our
parents.”

183
“Then why did you act like you barely knew each other?”

“Because we didn’t,” Harry said. “We only had sex once.”

“How long ago?”

“The Friday before they told us.”

She looked between us for a moment or two, trying to figure out

what to say next. “They’re getting married in a week.”

“We’re gonna stop after that,” I said.

I looked at Harry who seemed disappointed in my answer, but he

knew where this was going, that being nowhere at all. We
couldn’t go further than this because if we did, we weren’t gonna
be able to stop again.

“You’re not in love, are you?”

“No,” we said in unison, looking at each other for just a moment

before we looked away again.

I knew falling in love was a possibility if we kept going and that

was another reason as to why it had to stop.

“Are you gonna tell them?” I asked.

“No, but be careful.”

184
I nodded, and she looked at us for another moment before she left
Harry’s room. I crawled back into his bed and laid down on my
stomach while I looked at him. He sat quietly and ran a hand up
and down Sophie’s back until she had fallen asleep against his
chest.

“You don’t have to worry,” he said, reaching out to run a hand

through my hair. “She won’t tell on us.”

“But what if she does?”

“I know her, Louis—she’s not gonna say anything.”

“Hmm.”

I didn’t believe Gemma was gonna tell them on purpose, but

secrets got out, and I was afraid she’d accidentally tell someone.
But I kept quiet and closed my eyes instead of saying anything,
letting Harry play with my hair until he decided to put Sophie
down in her crib. I stayed in his room while he did so and despite
trying to stay awake, I fell asleep again, music playing when I
woke up again.

“You fell asleep, baby.”

I hummed in response and buried my face in one of his pillows

while he moved closer to me. I shivered when he traced his
fingers along my spine, melting into the sheets as I let him
continue. I could feel him move around, but I kept my eyes
closed, biting my lip when I felt his lips against my skin. They
were featherlight, all the way from the bottom of my spine to the
top, turning around under him when he reached my neck.

185
“I still haven’t brushed my teeth,” I said, turning my face when
he leaned down to kiss me, making him kiss my cheek instead.

He pouted but relaxed on top of me instead of trying again,

making me chuckle in response.

***

The night before the wedding was hectic. Our parents seemed to
be rather superstitious and had decided to sleep in each their room
at the hotel where the wedding was gonna be held. Gemma had
decided to spend the night at home along with Harry and I, but
while she went straight to bed with Sophie, Harry and I slipped
right into a make-out session. We seemed to be craving each other
more than we usually did, and I was sure it was because the
wedding was tomorrow. We were holding on until the very last
moment, neither of us wanting to let go despite knowing we had
to. We should’ve eased ourselves into it, but we didn’t have
enough willpower to slow down.

“Let’s just…”

He trailed off and rolled us over so I was underneath him instead,

teeth digging into my bottom lip.

“Let’s just what?”

“Get each other off.”

186
I pulled back as much as I could and put a hand on his forehead
to stop him from chasing my lips. “We had an agreement.”

“One that you went against last Friday.”

I smiled in response, the thought of having touched him making

my cock twitch in my boxers. “What did you have in mind?”

I moved my hands down his body to pull him closer to me, but he
got up on his knees instead, then took hold of my hands before he
pinned them down above my head.

“You already had your turn, baby.”

“I wanna touch you.”

“It’s my turn.”

“Fine,” I pouted, giving in to him as he leaned down to kiss me.

“Keep your hands above your head.”

“What are you gonna do if I don’t?”

“Tie them together.”

“Please do it anyway.”

He smirked in response and kissed me softly before he got out of

his bed. I reached down to palm at my aching cock, letting my
eyes flutter shut as I whimpered softly.

187
“Hands off, baby.”

I groaned in response but moved my hands above my head again.

He crawled over me, and I looked up at him when he tied my
hands together with a tie. He leaned down to kiss along my neck
afterwards, making me tilt my head to the side to give him more
access.

“No hickeys,” I said.

“I know.”

He continued further down and trailed kisses along my

collarbone, flicking his tongue over one of my nipples when he
reached it. I whimpered in response, and he swirled his tongue
around it, sucking on it while he took the other between his
fingers.

“Harry,” I breathed.

“Mmm?”

“I want more.”

He hummed against my skin, sucking for another moment before

he moved further down my body, lips soft against my skin. He
looked up at me before he continued, tugging on my waistband
until the tip of my cock was visible above it. I groaned when he
didn’t do anything, letting my head fall back against his pillow
and spreading my legs further apart when he laid down between
them. He kissed along my inner thigh and pushed the bottom of

188
my boxers up to expose more of my skin, taking his time to leave
hickeys.

“Feels good?”

I whimpered in response as I was suddenly unable to form words,

and he reached up to tug on my waistband, pulling at it until my
cock was free. I let out a sigh when he wrapped his hand around
it, licking up a vein on the underside before he swirled his tongue
around the head. I squirming underneath him when he took me in
his mouth and sucked gently, forcing a moan out of me. I looked
down at him, wanting to run my fingers through his hair, but I
knew I had to keep my hands above my head. His eyes met mine
while he went deeper and deeper, my eyes rolling back when he
sucked extra hard. He reached up to play with one of my nipples
again and sent me into a frenzy, fingers twisting in the tie while
my body trembled under him.

“Harry,” I whimpered, continuing to let his name slip out as he

sent me straight into an orgasm, body convulsing under him.

My vision whited out for a brief moment and everything faded

into pure pleasure as he got me through it, moving up my body
afterwards.

“You taste good,” he whispered, leaning down to press his lips

against mine softly.

“Piss off,” I mumbled, blushing as he trailed kisses down my

neck, giving me a moment to breathe before he moved away.

189
He got up on his knees to free himself from his boxers, tracing a
finger over the slit to pick up the precum, but instead of smearing
it out, he reached down to make me lick it off. “Gonna come all
over you, baby.”

I whimpered again and watched him as he began stroking himself,

knowing it was my only option as my hands were still tied
together above my head. It didn’t take him long to get there, his
mouth dropping open in a silent moan when he started coming,
coating my stomach and chest in white. I whimpered softly in
response, looking down my body while he finished, coating me
with every last drop.

I looked up at him again, and he reached down to play with my

bottom lip, continuing to stroke himself until his orgasm had let
go of him completely. He reached up to untie the tie afterwards
and when my hands were free, I reached down to pick up some of
the cum, licking it off afterwards. He watched me while I did so,
licking his lips before he leaned down to kiss me, tongue colliding
with mine instantly.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Mmm.”

I closed my eyes while he got up, letting my arms fall to the side.
He cleaned me up when he came back and tugged me back into
my boxers, throwing the cloth to the floor afterwards.

“You know what?”

“What?”

190
“You can sleep in here tonight.”

“That’s right,” I smiled, realising our parents weren’t here to

catch us while Gemma already knew about us.

He laid down next to me before I snuggled into him and pulled

the duvet over us, letting a moment of silence pass before he
spoke up again. “Are you still going out with Niall?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is he taking you?”

“The movies.”

Niall had asked me where I wanted to go earlier this week and at

the time, the movies seemed like the best choice. It was the perfect
place to avoid awkward silence, but the more I thought about it,
it was also the perfect place to make a move. I had agreed to go
on a date with him because I wanted to give him a chance, but I
wasn’t keen on more than that.

“Was it good with him? The sex?”

I moved out of his hold and propped myself up on my elbows so

I could look at him. I had enjoyed the sex with Niall, but Harry
had blown my mind. “It was okay.”

“Just okay?”

“I used to think it was good.”

191
“What changed your mind?”

“You did.”

He wiggled his eyebrows in response, and I smiled while he

wrapped a strand of my hair around his finger. I looked into his
eyes, green meeting blue as he looked into mine as well,
butterflies coming to life in my stomach. He smiled at me, and I
leaned down to kiss both of his dimples, making me chuckle
before I kissed him on the lips.

“We should go to sleep,” he said, rolling us over so I was under

him instead.

I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to let go yet. “Just a little
bit longer.”

He kissed me again and relaxed on top of me while he licked his

way into my mouth. We held onto the moment until we were too
tired to keep going, lips practically resting against each other
while we fell asleep.

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20

“We can’t stay in here all day,” I said, humming when he ignored
me and kissed me again, hands moving over the curve of my ass
before he squeezed it. “Harry.”

“We have plenty of time.”

I tilted my head to the side and let him kiss along my neck. He
had snuck us into a closet at the hotel despite knowing we weren’t
allowed to be in here. Our parents were getting married in less
than an hour, but I didn’t blame him for wanting to get another
moment in. I didn’t want to let go either, but if we didn’t leave
soon, we were gonna be late. We had already messed around in
the shower, a few too many neck kisses having forced me down
on my knees. We had stolen moment after moment, having
exchanged quick kisses between our parents’ hotel rooms if no
one was there to see it. We were enjoying it while it lasted because
we knew we couldn’t continue after today.

“We have to go, Harry. I’m the maid of honour.”

“Just…” He trailed off, moving a hand to the back of my neck to

keep me in place when he kissed me again.

193
I melted into it and pressed myself closer to him while he
squeezed my ass with the hand he didn’t have on my neck, pulling
away when he got a text. “Check it.”

“Fine.” I leaned against the door while he found his phone and
read the text. “Gemma is asking where we are.”

“Tell her we’ll meet her in the lobby.”

He did as I told him to and put his phone away before he looked
at me again, reaching up to stroke my cheek.

“I don’t wanna let go,” he whispered, making me close my eyes

as he rested his forehead against mine.

I was suspecting Harry’s feelings might’ve been similar to mine,

but I didn’t want to be naive. If Harry was to fall for someone, it
wouldn’t happen this fast, nor would he let it happen in the first
place. But I hadn’t thought I would either and yet somehow, I was
falling too fast to keep up.

I bumped my nose with his, wrapping one of his curls around my

finger before I kissed him. He kissed me back harder, knowing as
well as me it was gonna be the last. We continued for longer than
we should, but Gemma was waiting for us, so I pushed him away
carefully and reached up to stroke his cheek.

“We have to go.”

“I know,” he sighed, leaning in to kiss my forehead before he

allowed me to open the door. “You look good, you know?”

194
“Thank you,” I smiled. “So do you.”

“I know.”

I snorted in response but chuckled afterwards. The suit he was

wearing wasn’t what I had imagined. While I was wearing plain
black with a white button-up underneath and a black tie, he was
wearing pink with a black button-up and no tie. I don’t think he
was trying to steal the attention, but he was definitely going to.
But when I saw Gemma’s dress, it wasn’t such a shock that Harry
had chosen pink. She was wearing the same shade of pink and so
was Sophie, my black suit suddenly making me feel
underdressed.

“About time,” she said.

I apologised while Harry was more focused on stealing Sophie

from her.

“You look so precious, baby.”

He kissed her cheek over and over again, making her giggle
before Gemma urged us outside and into her car. Harry got
Sophie into her car seat and stayed in the back with her while I
got into the passenger seat.

“Wasn’t it enough to mess around in the shower?” Gemma asked.

“Clearly not,” Harry said.

I looked out of the window when my cheeks turned red, feeling a

hint of pain while I did so. I was split between being happy for

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my mom and sad about their upcoming marriage. My mom
deserved the world, but I was afraid I couldn’t stay away from
Harry. I suppose it was only typical that I wanted someone I
couldn’t have.

***

We weren’t late for the wedding, but half the guests were already
seated when we arrived at the church. Desmond’s suit was similar
to mine, and my mom was beyond beautiful. I was standing with
her while Harry and Gemma were standing with Desmond. It
would’ve seemed more natural if Gemma and I had switched
places, and we had considered it, but we ended up not doing it as
it felt more right this way.

I zoned out when the priest started talking and instead of listening,
I looked at the guests instead. Sophie was sitting with Harry and
Gemma’s grandparents, and Liam smiled at me when I found him
next to Zayn. I smiled back and looked at my mom and Desmond,
eyes quickly finding Harry’s instead as he was already looking at
me.

“I do,” Desmond said, forcing my attention back to him and my

mom while the priest kept talking.

“I do,” my mom said, breaking into a smile while I looked at

Harry again, catching him blink his tears away.

I teared up myself, but unlike Harry, I didn’t try to blink them

away because lying was easy. It wasn’t necessary to come with
an excuse when my mom was getting married. But I wasn’t crying

196
because of her newfound happiness. I was crying because of
Harry. It wasn’t happy tears, but rather the kind that was filled
with some form of devastation. I wanted him, but he was
officially my stepbrother now, and it was so, so taboo.

“You may kiss the bride.”

Desmond smiled and took my mom’s face in his hands before he

kissed her. I looked at Harry again, craving his lips against mine,
and it seemed like the urge was growing now that I wasn’t
allowed to. It would’ve been essential for us to slow down before
stopping. I didn’t regret anything we had done, but if we had
eased ourselves into it, it wouldn’t have felt so overwhelming to
stop.

***

During desert, Harry took Sophie again and let her sit on his lap.
Everyone had moved around to talk to people who weren’t at their
assigned tables. Harry and I had done the same and had stolen a
couple of seats at Liam and Zayn’s table. Harry was more focused
on Sophie than anything else, and I adored the sight of them, but
our attention was forced back to Zayn when he spoke up.

“I came out to my parents.”

“You did?” I asked.

“Yes.”

197
I hadn’t expected him to do it so soon, but I had noticed he was
more affectionate with Liam than usual. I hadn’t thought much
about it as it had made me more jealous than anything else. I had
forced myself not to think about their upcoming happiness, but it
was unavoidable now, and I couldn’t deny I was proud of him for
coming out when he was so afraid.

“How did it go?” Harry asked.

“As I expected,” he said. “They kicked me out.”

“I’m sorry,” we said at the same time.

Liam reached out to take his hand under the table, the movement
noticeable, but I doubt he was trying to hide anything.

“Don’t be.”

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” I asked. “To be out?”

“I feel like I can finally breathe.”

“Where are you staying?”

“At Liam’s.”

“I told you he’d be up for it.”

Liam chuckled in response while Zayn looked at him the way

Liam wanted to be looked at.

“What about you two?” Liam asked.

198
“What about us?” I asked.

“Are you done kissing all the time?”

I looked at Harry, but he avoided eye contact and turned Sophie

around so she was facing him instead. She reached out to play
with one of the buttons on his shirt, and I was left with a question
I didn’t know how to answer.

“Yeah.”

It was the right answer, but it didn’t feel right. Harry sighed in
response as he was still listening in, but he didn’t say anything,
and I didn’t blame him for being disappointed. He knew what our
agreement consisted of, but we were both tempted to reconsider
the rules. I kept going over it in my head and tried to come up
with an excuse for why we should continue, but no matter how
you twisted and turned it, it was wrong. It didn’t make it any less
exciting though. If anything, it only made me want it more, and
that was a problem.

“Only a little bit,” Harry said, making me look at him again as he

had turned Sophie back around.

He picked up a come of the cake with his fingers and fed it to her,
wiping off his fingers in a napkin afterwards. Sophie reached out
to get more, but Harry didn’t let her, making her whine as he
pushed the plate out of reach. He took the cut out grapes instead
and let her take them from the bowl herself.

199
“Are you mad at me?” I asked, taking advantage of the way Liam
and Zayn had disappeared in each other.

Harry put the bowl of grapes down on the table before he looked
at me, letting Sophie lean against him while she wrapped her
hands around his fingers. “No.”

“Harry.”

“I’m not, Louis, I just… never mind.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he had already turned

his attention back to Sophie. He helped get her shoes off as she
kept trying to do it herself and another fifteen minutes passed
before she fell asleep against him. He kept ignoring me, and Liam
spoke up about it when he went upstairs to put Sophie down in
one of the hotel rooms.

“Is he ignoring you?”

“Yeah,” I sighed.

“Why?”

“I don’t think he agrees with our agreement.”

“Do you?”

“No, but it has to be that way… right?”

“I know you think it’s wrong, Lou, but I don’t see it.”

200
“Not even now?”

“No.”

“It’s not like you grew up together,” Zayn said.

It was what Liam had said too, and I understood where they were
coming from, but it was about more than that. Not being related
was a valid excuse and so was the fact that we didn’t feel like we
were brothers. But there was something at risk too. I wouldn’t be
able to live with myself if I messed up my mom’s marriage.

“Why don’t you go talk to him?” Liam asked.

I sighed in response but got up either way. I made my way out of

the venue and took the stairs to the right floor, sitting down on the
floor outside their rooms while I waited for him to come out. It
confused me how they had decided to sleep in each their room,
but right across from each other. I’d probably have chosen
another floor just to make sure I didn’t “accidentally” make it
across the hall.

The entire day I had been thinking about weddings. How my own
wedding was gonna be and the man across from me was always
Harry. The face used to be blank, but Harry had somehow made
his way into the picture, and it wasn’t only impossible and
inconvenient, it was also stupid.

“Louis?”

I looked up at him as he closed the door behind him, not having

heard him come out. “I think we need to talk about this.”

201
“What’s there to talk about?”

I stand up to walk closer to him. “You’re ignoring me.”

He looked down and fiddled with the baby monitor, seeming

unsure of his next words. “I think…”

“What?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“Fine,” I sighed, looking at him for another moment before I

turned around to leave.

“Louis.”

“What?”

“You don’t get to be mad at me for still wanting you.”

I turned around to face him, making him take a step backwards

when I took one forward. “You serious?”

“I’m sorry, I just… if you come any closer I’m gonna kiss you.”

He left me with a decision I couldn’t possibly make. If I let him

kiss me, I allowed us to fall back into each other, and I couldn’t
do that. But if I walked away, I ruined the chance of getting what
I wanted.

202
21

I walked away. I knew where we’d end up if I let him kiss me, so
I didn’t. I wiped my tears away before I went back into the venue
and sat down across from Liam and Zayn despite their kissing. I
took Harry’s plate from the table and ate the rest of his cake,
finding pleasure in using the fork he had used. I kept it in my
mouth for longer than what was necessary and watched Liam and
Zayn as they made out, their tongues moving visibly against each
other.

“That’s a lot of tongue.”

They looked at me with confused expressions, picking up on my

odd mood as I kept eating Harry’s cake.

“What happened up there?” Liam asked.

“I think it’s gonna be a while before we’re on speaking terms

again.”

This was different from the last time we had a falling out. I barely
felt like I could call it that the last time, but it was obvious this
time. I didn’t blame him for being frustrated, but we had an
agreement, and now he was mad because I stuck with it.

203
“Why?”

I shrugged in response and closed my eyes as I enjoyed the taste

of the cake. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, nor was I was in
the mood to watch them slip back into their make-out session, so
I left instead. I wandered around the hotel and found Gemma at
one of the wending machines, the band-aids on the back of her
ankles indicating her shoes hadn’t been all that comfortable.

“Wasn’t desert enough?” I asked as she reached down to get the

gummy bears she had bought.

“Guess not,” she smiled as sat down next to the wending machine
and leaned against the wall. “Where did you leave Harry?”

“I think he’s still upstairs.”

“You think?”

“He’s just…”

She gestured to the spot next to her to make me sit down. “He’s
just what?”

Harry was mad because he didn’t get his way. It was unfair, but I
understood why he was acting out. I wanted him as much as he
wanted me, and maybe I shouldn’t have left without talking it
through with him, but I knew where we’d have ended up if I had
stayed.

“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “But we never meant to get

involved, you know? It just happened.”

204
“I know.”

“Do you think it’s weird?”

“No, it’s just very inconvenient.”

I hummed in response and looked down at my fingers as I fiddled

with the tip of my tie. I understood the inconvenience of Harry
and I being more than just stepbrothers. I understood what it
would do to our parents’ marriage, but at the same time I didn’t,
and I couldn’t let it go.

“I keep thinking it might not be that weird if we continued.”

“It wouldn’t,” she said. “At least not if you keep it a secret.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t share the same DNA, nor did you grow up together,
but that doesn’t mean it isn’t frowned upon. Dating openly would
cause a lot of unnecessary attention.”

I wasn’t planning on dating Harry, but Gemma was right. If we

continued fooling around with each, the best option was to keep
it a secret. But it worried me. Not because I was afraid of getting
caught, but because I was afraid of falling deeper into him. I had
never been into romance, and I wasn’t looking for love, but I had
a feeling I was gonna fall in love with Harry if we lost ourselves
in the pleasure of being together. Maybe even without it. Liam
was right about me changing my mind if love came to me, but it
was bound to end in heartbreak. Not only because Harry’s

205
commitment issues were bigger than mine, but also because it
wasn’t gonna lead anywhere.

“We’re not gonna date.”

Falling in love with him was almost inevitable at this point, but
dating was off the table, so at least that part was true.

“Why not?”

“You said it yourself—it’s frowned upon. Besides, Harry doesn’t

date.”

“He also doesn’t sleep with people twice.”

“He told you that?”

“He didn’t have to.”

“Right.”

“He might have had his share of sex, but it’s different with you,
Louis.”

I had mixed feelings about her opinion. I had a feeling Harry did
feel something for me, otherwise, he wouldn’t have acted the way
he did. But the sensible part of me knew he didn’t want love. He
could’ve had it by now if he wanted to and if he changed his mind,
he wouldn’t go for his stepbrother. Perhaps I was naive enough
to think it was about more than sex just because he went for it
more than once.

206
“I don’t think so.”

“His fuckboy attitude isn’t a very attractive trait, but he doesn’t

sleep around as much as he used to. And I do think you’re
different, Louis. He’s my brother, so I can tell.”

I looked away instead of responding. I didn’t know what to say,

but it didn’t seem like Gemma was expecting me to say anything.
It was a waste of time to continue the conversation when she
knew her opinion wasn’t gonna change mine.

“At least our parents are happy,” I said.

My walk around the hotel had led me back to the venue and the
vending machine was placed outside so we could watch our
parents dance with each other.

“It’s nice,” Gemma smiled. “Zayn seems happy too.”

“I think he is.”

“I didn’t know he was gay.”

“He only just came out.”

I knew it wasn’t my place to tell people and especially not when

Zayn hadn’t been clear about wanting other people to know. But
he was openly making out with Liam, so I figured it wasn’t a big
deal that Gemma knew. She could tell anyway.

“Hopefully Liam is good for him.”

207
“It seems that way.”

“It’s weird how they both ended up gay.”

“It happened with Liam and I too. It’s just a random coincidence.”

“Doesn’t make it any less strange.”

I chuckled in response and looked back at our parents, their

happiness shining through even from here. It was a lot to take in.
Not their marriage, but the fact that I still wanted Harry. I don’t
think I had expected our connection to fade out the minute our
parents said I do, but I wanted to believe I had enough willpower
to hold back, yet now I wasn’t so sure anymore.

***

Sophie was fast asleep, so Gemma decided to stay at the hotel. It

left Harry and I with Gemma’s car, and it was painfully awkward
to drive home with him. I was looking out of the window, sighing
in relief when Harry turned up the radio and drowned some of the
silence out. Our house wasn’t more than ten minutes away from
the hotel, but when we arrived I felt like we had been driving for
hours. It didn’t help that Harry was fumbling with the key, nor
that he dropped them when we got inside and made me bump into
him as he stopped in his steps.

I mumbled a sorry before I took my shoes off and disappeared

upstairs before he could decide on saying something. I took my
jacket off and sat down on the edge of my bed, continuing to sit
there for the next hour because an empty house was as tempting

208
as it was before. It was hotter now too. There was something
about officially being stepbrothers that made it exciting in a way
it wasn’t before. It was wrong, but I think I liked that. I think I
had to admit that keeping my hands off him wasn’t gonna be an
option. I had to admit that keeping it non-sexual wasn’t gonna
change anything between us. The sexual tension wasn’t going
away, not to talk about how it would be awfully hot to sneak
around.

I got up and out of my room before I could think it through, taking

a deep breath before I opened the door to his room. I bit my lip in
response to the sight of him, his face buried in one of his pillows
while he thrust against the other as he had put it underneath
himself. I was in the perfect position to see his cock drag along
the material, the way his naked body moved making me grow
impossibly fast in my pants. I reached down to palm myself,
breath hitching as his pillow wasn’t enough to muffle the sound
of my name slipping past his lips.

“Harry,” I said, voice almost a whimper.

He stopped his movements and looked at me instead, cheeks

flushed and bottom lip slightly swollen. “What are you doing,
Louis?”

“I want you.”

He looked at me for another moment before he got up and moved

towards me. He put a hand on his door to close it and pushed me
against it at the same time, a whimper escaping me. His pupils
were blown wide, dark green eyes staring straight into mine.

209
“I thought we had an agreement,” he teased.

“Let’s make a new one.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know yet. But I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

He bumped his nose with mine, brushing his lips against mine.
“And until then?”

“Kiss me,” I whispered.

I felt his tongue run along my bottom lip, and the gesture made
me open my mouth in submission, letting our tongues swirl
around each other while our lips barely touched yet. I put my
hands on his waist and pulled him closer to me, skin warm under
my fingers and lips finally meeting mine in a proper kiss.

“Do you have any idea how much I want you?”

I whimpered in response and let him undo the buttons on my shirt,

letting it fall to the floor when he had pushed it down my arms
and off me. He lifted me up, and I wrapped my arms and legs
around him, letting my head fall back against the door when his
lips found my neck.

“Fuck me, please.”

He pulled back to look at me. I nodded to reassure him he heard

right—if we were gonna break the rules, we might as well do it
properly.

210
“It turns you on, doesn’t it? That we’re stepbrothers now?”

I nodded in response, liking how wrong it was. He broke into a

grin before he carried me towards his bed and threw me onto it. I
chuckled when I landed on his mattress, letting my arms fall to
each their side while he crawled up between my legs.

“You’re making a rebel out of me, Styles,” I said, making him

chuckle as he reached down to unbutton my pants, hands shaking
slightly as he slid down the zipper. “Are you nervous?”

“A little,” he confessed.

“Why?”

“Just am.”

He looked up at me and sent me a smile before he continued with

what he was doing. He pulled my pants and boxers off at the same
time before he quickly got my socks off and asked me to turn
around. I rolled onto my stomach and took ahold of his pillow
while he spread my legs further apart. He reached up to trace his
fingers down my spine to my ass, hands squeezing it before he
spread my ass cheeks apart. I gasped when he pressed a wet finger
against my hole, teasing me before he pushed it inside me.

“Fuck,” I breathed, tensing up for a brief moment before I relaxed

again.

He moved the finger back and forth slowly and added a second
when I was ready for it, scissoring them apart before he pushed

211
them in as deep as he could. I whimpered in response, and he
curled them around the bundle of nerves that had me shivering in
pleasure.

“One more, yeah?”

“Please.”

“Polite, aren’t you?”

I could hear the smirk in his voice, but all I could do was whimper,
three fingers being quite the stretch. He continued until I was
stretched enough, and I looked over my shoulder to see him pull
his fingers out and wipe them off in the sheets. He sent me a
cheeky smile before he leaned down to bite down on my left ass
cheek, making me whine softly. He left a few kisses before he got
up and out of his bed, looking through his drawer to find a
condom and his bottle of lube.

“Have you…?”

He looked at me when I trailed off, opening the condom with

ease. “Have I what?”

“Had sex after me?”

“My room is right across from yours, Louis?”

“I know.”

I suppose he had a point, but we had been to parties since, parties

where I hadn’t always been sure where to find him.

212
“Baby,” he said, forcing my attention back to him. “You’re the
last person I had sex with.”

“Okay.”

I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had slept with someone else,

but it was still nice to know he hadn’t.

“Have you had sex since?”

I shook my head, and he smiled before he rolled on the condom.

He crawled back into bed with the bottle of lube, moving up
between my legs while I kept looking over my shoulder to watch
him. He opened the bottle and coated his length with lube before
he made me spread my legs further apart. He wiped his hand off
in the sheets and put it on my ass afterwards, guiding himself to
my entrance while I looked away again. He pressed the tip against
my hole, and I buried my face in his pillow when he pushed it
past my rim.

“Oh,” I gasped.

I moaned into the pillow when he pushed further into me,

continuing until he bottomed out. He filled me up so completely
that I wanted to sob from how well we fit together.

“So tight,” he gritted.

He leaned down to trail kisses along my shoulder and let me

adjust before he moved back up to take ahold of my hips. He
started out gently to let me get used to the stretch, moving his hips

213
back and forth before he slowly, but surely picked up his pace and
build up a steady rhythm. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost
in the feeling, every slide of his cock sending shivers through my
body while he angled my hips upwards. He slipped a hand onto
my ass and squeezed, making me melt into the sheets, soft moans
catching in my throat every time he pushed back into me.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” My voice got higher with each word, his hard
thrust turning into long, smooth ones instead, allowing me a
moment to breathe. The drag of his cock forced me into a frenzy,
yet I needed more, the feeling less than enough. “Take off the
condom.”

“What?”

“Take it off,” I begged, needing to feel him completely.

He pulled out of me, and I rolled onto my back to watch him take
it off. He pulled me further down by my thighs afterwards,
pushing my legs up before he pushed back into me. I sighed in
relief and his eyes rolled back in response to the feeling, this being
exactly what I had needed. He started fucking into me harder and
continued at that pace until I was losing sense of time and space
over and over again, pleasure burning through my entire body. I
wanted us to stay like this forever, but nothing this good ever
lasted for long, and I was already falling apart under him, tugging
him down so I could kiss him. It was messy, lips and tongues
touching until we were simply exchanging breaths between our
open mouths, the pressure building in my stomach all at the same
time.

“Come on, baby. Make a mess for me.”

214
He thrust deeper into me and made my head fuzzy, my body
throbbing with need while precum dripped onto my stomach. I
buried my face in his neck when I reached my orgasm, pleasure
exploding inside me as it spread to every inch of me. The intensity
was beyond what I was used to, and Harry whispered sweet
nothings in my ear while he fucked me through it, close to the
edge himself, but not quite there.

“Fuck,” I breathed as I relaxed against the mattress.

I let my arms fall to each their side, fingers twisting in the sheets
while Harry chased his orgasm and despite being overly sensitive,
I let him continue and begged him to come inside me. His hips
stilled in response to my begging, and he pushed in as deep as he
could before he came inside me. He chanted my name like it was
the only word he knew, and I could feel his cock twitching inside
me until he was finished, sweat dripping down his body. He
stayed inside me until his orgasm had let go of him, and I closed
my eyes when he pulled out of me, hissing slightly before I
allowed myself to relax completely.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, kissing me softly before he got out

of bed.

I opened my eyes to see him take his boxers on. He disappeared

out of his room, and I looked into his ceiling until he came back
with a bottle of water and pulled me into a sitting position. He put
the bottle to my lips and tilted it to make me drink from it, keeping
my eyes closed until I had had enough. I let myself fall backwards
while he put the bottle down and found something to clean me up
with, throwing it out afterwards.

215
“You deserve a gold star for that performance, you know?”

He sorted in response but chuckled before he laid down next to

me. I hadn’t thought it was possible, but somehow it was better
than the first time. It was hotter now that we were stepbrothers,
but I couldn’t deny Harry knew what he was doing.

“Practise makes perfect,” he teased.

“You’re a narcissist, you know that, right?”

“Louis.”

“It’s not in a bad way. You sort of make it work.”

“I make narcissism work?”

“Yeah.”

He rolled onto me instead of responding, and I chuckled when he

kissed my nose. I wasn’t sure what our agreement was gonna
consist of, nor if we were gonna make one at all. I just knew I
wanted him and keeping my hands off him was clearly not an
option. I suppose we’d figure it out along the way. It saddened
me to know we’d never get to where we supposedly wanted to be.
Or at least where I wanted to be. Love had never interested me,
yet now it didn’t sound so bad to be someone’s boyfriend. But it
was impossible with Harry, and whether or not I wanted it, I had
to let go of it and focus on the pleasure instead.

216
22

I woke up to Harry’s lips trailing my spine. I hummed in

appreciation and laid still while he turned the featherlight kisses
into open-mouthed instead, scattering hickeys all over my back
before I turned around under him.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

He kissed my nose, and I smiled in response, reaching up to run

a hand through his hair.

“What is this new agreement of ours?”

“There are no rules anymore,” I told him. “Except for the obvious
one.”

“Which is?”

“Don’t get caught.”

He chuckled while I wrapped one of his curls around my finger.

“Do you feel guilty?”

217
“No.”

We had taken it further than we should, but I felt no hint of guilt.

I thought I’d feel guilty about not feeling guilty, but I felt
somewhat content with what was happening between us.

“Good.”

“Do you?”

“No.” He leaned down to kiss me softly, knowing I wasn’t gonna

let him deepen it when we hadn’t brushed our teeth yet. “How
about a shower?”

“Okay,” I smiled.

He moved away from me so we could get up and into the

bathroom. He turned on the water while I put toothpaste on my
toothbrush, still completely naked when I lifted myself onto the
counter. I had fallen asleep before getting back into my boxers,
but Harry didn’t seem to mind.

“Your hair is a mess,” he said, running a hand through it before

he took his own toothbrush.

He watched me brush my teeth while he brushed his own, a

comfortable silence falling between us before we both spit the
toothpaste out and put our toothbrushes back in their holder.

“When is everyone else coming home?” I asked.

218
“I don’t know.” He moved to stand between my legs and placed
his hands on my hips. “But I’m sure we have plenty of time.”

“For what?”

“Depends on what you want.”

“I’m too sore for sex.”

He smiled before I rested my forehead against his. I hissed when

he pressed his thumbs into my hipbones gently, making him pull
back to look at the bruises that were already forming from last
night.

“Sorry,” he said, smirking slightly as he traced his thumbs over

them.

I didn’t mind the bruises, just like I didn’t mind the hickeys he
had left on my back. I lifted his chin, eyes meeting mine before I
leaned in to kiss him. He hummed into it and slipped his boxers
off before he lifted me off the counter and into the shower,
pressing me against the wall while he deepened the kiss. The tiles
were cold against my back, and my legs were tight around him,
fingers disappearing into his hair.

“No more,” I said, pulling back while he pouted. “We don’t know
how long we have.”

“Don’t wanna get caught in the act, huh?”

“That’s the only rule, so put me down.”

219
“Fine.”

He put me down on my feet, and I closed my eyes as I stepped

under the water to get wet. He took ahold of my waist and pulled
me closer to him, brushing his lips against mine despite what I
had just told him.

“Harry.”

“Mmm?”

“You have to stop.”

“Turn around.” He was ignoring what I said, but I did as he told

me to either way, biting down on my lip when he put his hands
on my ass. I didn’t necessarily understand his obsession, but I let
him do as he pleased without complaining, sighing softly as he
squeezed gently. “It’s perfect.”

“Shut up,” I chuckled.

“It is.”

He squeezed it harder and forced a whine out of me before he

moved a hand around me and traced the skin right above my
hardening cock.

“Harry,” I breathed.

“We have plenty of time.” He slipped his hand further down while
he leaned in to lick along the side of my neck, brushing his lips
against my ear. “Let me touch you.”

220
“What if they come home?”

“Stop thinking about it, baby.”

He kissed me under the ear, and I let him wrap a hand around my
cock, his own growing impossibly fast against my lower back.
Once he started jerking me off, it didn’t take me long to get there,
and he used his strength to hold me up when my orgasm crashed
through me.

He turned me around after, and I took his cock in my hand,

quickly jerking him off until he came against me, cum dripping
down my stomach and onto the floor. The water washed away the
evidence while Harry turned me back around before he took the
shampoo from the shelf.

“Can we stay in bed all day?” I asked, closing my eyes when he

worked the shampoo into my hair.

“I’m taking Sophie to the swimming pool.”

“Why?”

“Gemma is going out with her friends.”

I knew Harry took every chance he could get to be with Sophie,

so it didn’t surprise me he was looking after her while Gemma
was out.

“Can I come with you?”

221
“Sure.”

***

I never spent time at the swimming pool unless it was outside. I

couldn’t stand the smell of chlorine, but it was overwhelmingly
prominent when being inside. The only reason I had gone with
them was that I wanted to spend time with them, and I’d get used
to the smell of chlorine eventually. Despite the smell, I liked
being in the water, and Sophie was ecstatic.

“You’re doing so well, baby,” Harry said.

He took ahold of her in the water, and she giggled, making him
smile before he continued playing with her. I lifted myself up to
sit on the edge of the pool and watched them as they moved
further away. Sophie continued stealing Harry’s attention, but I
smiled at the sight of them, liking the way Harry interacted with
her.

“Louis?”

I looked up to see Niall, frowning at the coincidence before I got

up on my feet. “Hey.”

“Are you here alone?”

“No.”

I gestured towards Harry and Sophie, and his face fell. “Oh.”

222
“We’re still on for Friday, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

He turned around to leave, but I grabbed his wrist to stop him,

making him look at me again. “Are you okay?”

“I’d just rather not be here when you’re with Harry.”

I stayed quiet as he left me to myself after having sent me another

smile. I was desperate to find out what Niall had to say about his
and Harry’s situation. There were two sides to every story, so
despite knowing Harry had messed up, I was eager to know why
Niall still hadn’t forgiven him. I didn’t blame him for thinking it
was unforgivable, but enough was enough. Not only had it been
a very long time since it happened, but I think Niall would feel a
lot more content with forgiving Harry. Not just for the sake of
Harry, but also for the sake of himself so he could move on.

“Was that Niall?”

I looked at Harry again, and he put Sophie down on the edge,

holding her so she didn’t fall down. “Yes.”

I sat down again and watched Sophie lean forward to let Harry
know she wanted to go back into the water. Harry smiled and
lifted her back down, letting her get under the water completely,
and she giggled when she got above the surface again.

“I don’t understand why he’s going out with you.”

223
“Rude,” I chuckled.

“You know that’s not what I meant. I’d have understood it if we

weren’t stepbrothers.”

What he said made sense. If Niall thought this date was gonna
lead to more, he’d have had to think about the consequences.
Becoming boyfriends wasn’t on the table, but Niall seemed to
think it was, and he couldn’t date me without spending time at my
house. I was positive that wasn’t something he wanted, but Harry
was a permanent part of my life now, and I wouldn’t have blamed
him for giving up on me simply because of that.

“We have separate rooms, so maybe he’ll settle for a future with
you in it.”

“You make it sound like you actually have a future with him.”

“Your jealousy is sweet.”

“I’m not jealous,” he mumbled.

I chuckled, and he looked at Sophie again, her small hands

squeezing his cheeks before she nuzzled into him.

***

I watched Bella approach Harry during lunch Monday. He had

barely entered the cafeteria before she was standing in front of
him, and Zayn disappeared to give them the moment Bella

224
wanted. He sat down next to Liam at our usual table while I
continued watching Harry and Bella. Harry seemed rather
uninterested, but Bella didn’t come off as someone who gave up
easily, and apparently she thought she could avoid rejection
because she was the queen-bee. It was pathetic, to say the least.
Not necessary because she thought she had a shot, but because
she tugged on her shirt not-so-discretely to show off her breasts.
Harry looked down, but he didn’t seem particularly impressed by
the sight. Not only was he more gay than not, but he was also an
ass guy.

“What are you smiling at?” Liam asked.

“Nothing,” I said, snapping out of the sudden memories with

Harry.

All we had done since coming home from the swimming pool was
sneak in a few kisses when we could, knowing anything beyond
it would leave us with the possibility of getting caught.

“Are you still fighting?”

I accidentally broke into a smirk at the thought of what Harry and

I had done on our parents’ wedding night. “No.”

“What are you hiding?”

“It’s really not important.”

“Oh, it’s important,” Zayn said, smirking enough for me to know

Harry had told him.

225
“I feel left out,” Liam pouted.

“We had sex,” I said.

“I know.”

“No, we had sex again.”

“When?”

“When we got home from the wedding.”

“Do you have some kind of stepbrother-kink?”

“Is that a thing?”

“I don’t know, but you have it.”

I chuckled in response and looked back at Harry who had

supposedly just rejected Bella. She didn’t look happy, but she also
wasn’t used to rejection, so it didn’t come as a surprise that she
was offended.

“It’s weird she hasn’t asked him out before,” I point out. “It’s
been weeks since they kissed.”

“She was probably waiting for him to make the first move,” Zayn
said.

I hummed in response while Harry walked towards us and went

around the table to sit down next to me.

226
“Some people just won’t take no for an answer,” he sighed.

“You’re not going out with her, are you?” I asked.

He looked at me, eyes piercing into mine while he licked his lips,
making me glance down at them. “Would you care?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’re the one going on a date.”

“It’s just Niall.”

“Who you’ve had sex with already.”

“You slept with Niall?” Zayn asked, forcing our attention away
from each other.

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“A while ago.”

He looked surprised, but I don’t think it was because Niall and I

knew each other. I think it was because Niall didn’t come off as
gay, and if Harry hadn’t seen it coming, then neither had Zayn.
They had all been friends, but Harry was always closer to Niall
than Zayn was.

“Do you like him?” Zayn asked.

227
“No.”

“Then why are you going out with him?”

“Just thought I’d give him a chance.”

He hummed in response while Harry gradually moved closer to

me, continuing until his thigh was pressed against mine.

“Can I at least come with you?” he asked.

“I don’t think Niall would appreciate that.”

“I meant to the game.”

“I know. And I can’t exactly stop you, now can I?”

“I’m not gonna go if you don’t want me to.”

“I do.”

“Let’s just all go,” Liam said. “Might stop you two from slipping
up.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“You look like you’re about to kiss each other.”

“We’re not.”

He looked sceptical, and I knew he was right. If anyone bothered

to pay attention, they’d notice the way we looked at each other.

228
We constantly seemed to get caught up in the moment, but we
needed to make sure we didn’t lose ourselves. The second the
world disappeared around us, we’d give in to each other, and we
couldn’t risk that. The bleachers were gonna be full on Friday
since it was the first game of the season, so it was only a good
thing Liam and Zayn decided to go with us. Especially when
everyone knew we were stepbrothers now.

229
23

“Come here,” Harry said, making me turn around as he closed my

door behind him.

I looked at him for another moment before I did as he told me to.

He took hold of my hips and bumped his nose with mine before
he kissed me. He moved one of his hands to my cheek and
deepened the kiss, making my head spin before he pulled back
and rested his forehead against mine.

“Remember who you belong to.”

“It’s just a date.”

“I don’t care,” he said, squeezing my hip gently “You’re mine.”

“Is that so?”

He hummed in response—I couldn’t even deny it was hot that he

was claiming me, and I’d much rather stay home with him than
go out with Niall. “We need to have the house to ourselves soon.”

“Why’s that?”

“I need to touch you.”

230
He pulled me closer and slipped his hands over the curve of my
ass and into my back pockets, squeezing my ass through my jeans.
We hadn’t touched each other since the shower Sunday morning,
and I was getting just as desperate as he was. I needed to feel his
skin under my fingertips and his lips on my body, the thoughts
making me slip my hands under his shirt.

“Me, too.”

“Promise me you won’t kiss him.”

“I promise.”

“Good—otherwise I’m gonna have to punish you.”

“How?”

“I’ll figure something out.”

He reached up to tilt my head to the side and kissed me softly

under the ear, continuing further down my neck while I hummed
in response. My heart rate increased as he gradually turned the
featherlight kisses into wet ones instead, my hands moving
further down before I hooked my fingers in the waistband of his
jeans.

“Maybe I should kiss him.”

He bit down on my skin in response, making me whimper while

he squeezed my ass again. I wasn’t planning on kissing Niall, but
I could definitely get used to this.

231
“When do we have to leave?”

“Now, but just…”

I held onto him, and he smiled against my skin when I forgot to

finish my sentence. I wanted to stay here forever, but I couldn’t
break my promise to Niall. A part of me was looking forward to
it. Not because I wanted to date him, but because I liked him as a
person, and I was sure we were gonna have a good time.

“I wanna stay here.”

“We can’t.” I pushed him away carefully, making him pout as he

slipped his hands out of my pockets. “Let’s go.”

“Fine.”

“Cheer up, baby.”

I kissed his pout away before I found my phone, and we left to go

downstairs. We told our parents we were leaving and made our
way outside and into Harry’s car. We met up with Zayn and Liam
when we got to the school and continued towards the football
field where the bleachers were already filling up. I had expected
an outcome like this, but the weather seemed to be getting worse.
It wasn’t raining yet, but it was only a matter of time before it
started, and I had forgotten a jacket, much less an umbrella.

“Remind me again why we’re doing this,” Zayn said as he zipped

up his jacket.

232
Liam gave him an explanation. I suppose it made sense that they
were here to make sure we didn’t slip up. Harry wasn’t
particularly discreet, and while I thought it was a bad idea to be
on the edge of getting caught, Harry seemed to find it exciting.

“Harry.” I looked up to see Bella as soon as we had sat down,

Harry automatically moving closer to me when she sat down on
the other side of him. “I was wondering if you had thought about
our conversation.”

“I haven’t.”

“I just think we’d get along really well.”

“Bella, you’re very sweet, but—”

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Harry.”

“I don’t think this is any of your business,” Bella told me.

“That doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want you.”

Harry scrunched up his nose to suppress a smile.

Bella looked rahter offended. “You’re the stepbrother, right?”

“Why is that important?”

“It’s not,” she said, breaking into a smile before she continued.
“But it’s weird, isn’t it?”

“What?”

233
“That you’ve slept with each other?”

I barely started panicking before I realised she must have seen us

head upstairs at the party the first time we had sex. “It’s only
weird if you let it be weird.”

She looked confused while Harry chuckled, both of us knowing

it didn’t just count for the first time.

“You didn’t know, did you?”

“Do you think we’d have done it if we did?”

I wasn’t sure if I was lying or not, a part of me knowing I’d have

done it either way, but it was still a coincidence beyond what was
understandable.

“Anyway,” he says, ignoring my questions, “you can’t speak on

behalf of Harry. If he wants to date me—”

“I really don’t,” Harry interrupted.

At that moment, I actually felt sorry for her. Harry hadn’t been as
harsh as he could have been, but she looked genuinely
disappointed. I suppose that was the reaction I was afraid of when
I had to reject Niall. It wasn’t fair to Niall that I kept postponing
it, but I couldn’t bring myself to reject him without giving him a
chance first.

“You don’t?” Bella asked.

234
“No.”

“How come?”

“I’m just not interested.”

I could tell Harry didn’t enjoy doing this, but he knew it had to be
done, so he decided to simply rip off the bandaid. Bella looked at
him for another moment before she left, going a few rows down
where she sat down with her friends.

“You hate doing that, don’t you?” I asked.

He hummed in response, and I had to stop myself from taking his

hand, the urge making me somewhat frustrated. It was starting to
rain too and half an hour passed before it was pouring down, the
bleachers filled with raincoats and umbrellas. It surprised me
people were staying when the weather was seconds away from
turning into thunder.

“Are you cold?” Harry asked.

“A little.”

I regretted not having brought a jacket, but I hadn’t expected the

weather to get this bad. I was sure he could tell “a little” was an
understatement as I was practically shivering.

“Do want my jacket?”

“I don’t want you to be cold too.”

235
He smiled in response but took off his jacket either way. He knew
I was cold more often than not, so I took it on without putting up
a fight, knowing he wouldn’t be as cold as I was. The warmth was
enough to make me stop shivering, and I didn’t mind the scent of
it either.

***

“I’ll meet you in the parking lot when I’ve changed, yeah?” Niall
asked, still panting from the game.

I told him yes before he ran off with his teammates, and Harry
and I made our way off the field with Zayn and Liam.

“I have a pair of trackies in my car if you wanna borrow them,”

Liam said.

I wasn’t keen on going to the cinema with soaking wet jeans, and
I doubt Niall would care if I had trackies on, so it was the perfect
solution.

“Thank you.”

He found them for me when we got to the parking lot, so I

changed in the backseat before I handed my jeans to Harry so he
could bring them home with him. Zayn and Liam left afterwards,
so I leaned against Harry’s car while I waited for Niall.

“Come say goodnight when you get home, yeah?”

236
“I will.” I smiled, looking down when he reached out to wrap his
index finger around mine. “Do you want your jacket back?”

“No, keep it on.”

He let go of my finger when people started walking by, so I put

my hands in the pockets of his jacket instead.

“Are you hoping he’ll notice it?”

“Might not be the worst thing.”

“Do you think it’ll scare him off?”

“No, but there’s no harm in hoping.”

I snorted in response, but he just chuckled. Niall would never

expect us to be involved, so I doubt he’d even ask about the
jacket. “Are you gonna ask him about him and I?”

“Would you mind if I did?”

“No, but I… I think I need to tell you something first.”

“What is it?”

“I…”

He was cut off by Niall who suddenly appeared next to us. I

wanted Harry to continue, but he wasn’t going to when Niall was
here.

237
“You ready?”

“Yeah,” I said, turning to look at Harry again. “I’ll see you at

home.”

“Okay.”

I wanted to give his hand a squeeze or stroke his cheek, but I

couldn’t be affectionate with him in public, so I left instead. Niall
and I small-talked on our way to the cinema, and he paid for the
ticket’s once we got there, claiming it was the right thing to do
when he had asked me out. We found a few seats outside the
theatre as we still had time to kill before we were allowed inside.

Niall seemed nervous, and I had never been on a date before, so I

wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say or how I was supposed to
act. The cinema was the perfect place for Niall to make a move,
but I wasn’t sure how to respond to those moves. Not only had I
promised Harry I wouldn’t kiss him, but I also didn’t want to. I
just wasn’t sure how I was supposed to reject him. The rejection
itself was easy, but what came afterwards wasn’t, that being the
awkward tension.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“I just…” I paused, taking a moment to come up with something

other than the truth. “Was I your first?”

“My first what?”

I raised an eyebrow to make him understnad. And the sudden

redness of his cheeks gave him away before he got to answer me.

238
Despite having asked because I needed a way around the truth, I
had been curious, but now I’d rather not have known.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would it have mattered?”

I wasn’t sure what the appropriate answer would be. If he had

been a bottom, it would have mattered, but since he wasn’t, I
suppose it wasn’t such a big deal. At least not when he didn’t
think so himself.

“No, I guess not.”

“I can tell you have another question.”

I smiled in response, but I wasn’t sure how to ask the question

without making it sound like I was accusing him of something.
“Is this about experimenting?”

“I’m honestly just trying to figure myself out.”

“That’s okay.”

“Are you offended?”

“Why would I be offended?”

“Because I’m… I don’t know… using you, maybe?”

He blushed again, but I wasn’t offended. Instead, I was relieved.

Being used wasn’t necessarily a bad thing—or at least it wasn’t

239
when it made me feel less guilty about accidentally leading him
on.

“I assume you’re not looking for anything serious then?”

“Not at the moment, but I like you, Louis. I don’t think you like
me back, but I figured a date would change your mind. At least
enough to give me more than one shot.”

I chewed on my lip and tried to come up with a response that

didn’t hurt him. It seemed as if he already knew I wasn’t
interested, and it was the perfect moment to let him know he
wasn’t wrong.

“I agreed to this date because I wanted to give you a chance. I

think you’re great, but I just…” I stopped myself as I was unsure
of my words.

“Don’t feel it?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise.”

“I’m not very keen on relationships anyway.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

He accepted my answer despite the unclarity of it. Perhaps he

could tell it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

240
“Is this date a waste of time?”

“No, the movie is supposed to be good.”

“Right,” he chuckles, seeming to understand what I was getting

at.

I was relieved to find out he was okay with how I felt, not to talk
about how he wasn’t gonna make a move during the movie. We
ended up having a great time, and it turned out Niall was a lot less
nervous when he was comfortable, which was a relief as there was
no awkward silence before nor after the movie.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why haven’t you forgiven Harry yet.” He clenched his jaw in

response, so I could tell I had hit him where I hurt. “Look, you
don’t have to say anything. I was just wondering.”

I waited for him to say something, but when he didn’t I looked

forward again. I pulled the hat on Harry’s jacket over my head
when it began raining again, another few minutes passing before
Niall spoke up.

“Do you think what he did was okay?”

“No.”

“Then you must understand why I can’t forgive him.”

241
“Except I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s been such a long time.”

“Time doesn’t change what he did.”

I knew he was right, but it was an awfully long time to hold a

grudge. “Don’t you think it’s time to forgive him?”

“Why should I?”

“Because he deserves to be forgiven. And you deserve to move

on.”

“Louis, I—”

“Are you really gonna let a simple mistake ruin your friendship?”

“A simple mistake? Is that what he calls it?”

“He hasn’t called it anything, but it was just sex, Niall.”

“It wasn’t just sex, Louis.”

“What else could he possibly have done to make you this

unforgiving?”

“You don’t know, do you?”

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We stopped outside my house, and I frowned in response to his
words. I took a moment to think it through and tried to remember
if Harry had mentioned something else, but as far as I knew, he
hadn’t.

“Know what?” I asked.

He looked up at Harry’s window before he looked back at me,

taking a moment to breathe before he started talking.

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24

“He got her pregnant.”

I was speechless for an uncomfortably long moment, just trying

to find the right words, but it didn’t make any sense. “I… what?”

“He really has been lying to you, hasn’t he?”

“Did she…?” I trailed off, but he seemed to understand me.

I hadn’t seen Leah during the time she was supposedly pregnant.
After she and Niall broke up, she disappeared into thin air.

“Yeah.”

Not even a second passed before it hit me, my mouth dropping

slightly open before I looked up at Harry’s window. “Sophie isn’t
Gemma’s, is she?”

“No.”

I stayed quiet, but it made sense when I thought about it. I

wouldn’t say I had been suspicious, but I had subconsciously been
confused every now and then. Sophie wasn’t just more attached
to Harry, but she also preferred him over everyone else. His

244
comfort was enough to stop her from crying and make her sleep
when no one else could calm her down. And not only did she have
Harry’s eyes, but now that I knew the truth, it was obvious that
she was a spitting image of Leah. This was why Niall was so
unforgiving. Not only had Harry messed up their friendship by
sleeping with Leah, but Sophie was living proof of it. Niall
couldn’t go see Harry because he’d see Sophie too. And in
Sophie, he’d see Leah.

“He’s been lying all along,” I said.

Withholding information wasn’t necessarily lying. At least I

didn’t think so until now. If he kept something from me, I
wouldn’t call it lying because everyone was entitled to their
secrets, but this wasn’t just an innocent secret and it was lying.
He had told me she was Gemma’s and not only had Gemma
played along but so had his dad. I’d be surprised if my mom
wasn’t in on it too, and that was even more devastating. To know
I was the only one who didn’t know.

“I’m sorry,” Niall said.

“No, you’re not.”

“What?”

“I think you find pleasure in doing this.”

On some level Niall hated Harry, so it wasn’t surprising he was

trying to make him seem like the villain. I wasn’t gonna give him
the satisfaction of accepting his apology, but he knew I wasn’t

245
happy with Harry and perhaps that was all the satisfaction he
needed.

“Louis, I—”

“Don’t bother.”

I turned around to leave and went inside instead, leaning against

the door after I had closed it. I took a moment to breathe before I
took off my shoes and hung Harry’s jacket up, quietly making my
way upstairs and into my room so Harry didn’t hear me. I
disappeared into my room and closed the door before I took off
my clothes and got under my duvet. I kept my lights off and
watched Netflix on my laptop instead of my tv, though it only
took an hour for Harry to realise I was home. I had wanted to
postpone the conversation to tomorrow, but I wasn’t in the mood
for anything affectionate, and he’d want an explanation for it, and
I didn’t want to lie to him. So whether or not I wanted to, I had to
confront him now.

“When did you come home?”

“An hour ago.”

“Why didn’t you come in?”

“I didn’t wanna see you.”

I couldn’t see him in the dark, but I could imagine him frowning.
I blinked my tears away when he turned on the light and walked
towards my bed. He sat down while I closed my laptop and sat
up, pulling my hand away when he reached out for it.

246
“He told you, didn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, clenching his jaw in

response to finding out Niall had in fact told me. He seemed to
find it an inconvenience that he didn’t get to tell me himself.
“Figures.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was about to after the game.”

“You should’ve told me sooner than that.”

“I was afraid you’d tell people.”

“Seriously?”

“I didn’t know you, Louis. I know now that you’re not gonna tell
anyone, but you…” He stopped himself, clearly regretting what
he was about to say.

“I what, Harry?”

“You’re capable of walking away, and you keep coming up with

reasons to do so.”

“I do not.”

247
“Maybe not this time around, but it’s only a matter of time before
you do. I figured you’d use Sophie as another reason.”

I teared up again and looked away while he tried taking my hand

again, only making me pull it away again. “Do you honestly
believe I’d walk away just because she’s yours?”

“You seem pretty mad.”

“I’m not mad because you have a daughter, Harry, I’m mad
because you didn’t tell me.”

“Louis—”

“No. Leave me alone.”

He was about to protest, but quickly realised he wasn’t gonna get

anything out of it, so he left instead of pushing me. There were a
lot of questions I wanted answers to, but I couldn’t handle it
tonight. I was confused as to why he needed to keep it a secret in
the first place. I understood why he didn’t want people to know,
and especially since no one had known Leah was pregnant, but he
should’ve known I wasn’t gonna tell anyone. There were a lot of
things that didn’t add up, but instead of wondering about it, I
decided to go to bed.

***

Harry decided not to push me and gave me the time I needed. I

stayed in my room on Saturday, but I found myself staring out of
the window to see him play with Sophie. The windowsill was

248
wide enough for me to sit in it, and I could see them clearly on
the trampoline.

“Louis?” Gemma closed my door before she moved closer to me.

I wasn’t in the mood to talk, but I decided not to put up a fight.
“Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

“He didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know that.”

I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. I felt somewhat betrayed, not to

talk humiliated. I was the only one who didn’t know, and it was
less than understandable. I suppose I understood why he started
off by hiding it, but he had been able to trust me for a long time
now, so it didn’t make any sense that he’d continue. His own
reason was barely a reason, and I didn’t get it. I knew I was
capable of walking away, but I’d never use Sophie as a reason to
do so, and he should’ve known that.

“He just doesn’t want people to find out, Louis. Not when he’s
still in High School.”

I kept quiet, and somehow she knew what questions bothered me,
so she explained it the best she could. When Desmond had told
them my age, Harry knew there was a possibility that we went to
school together, so he had somehow convinced them to keep quiet
before we met at the restaurant. Desmond had therefore asked my
mom not to tell me, so she hadn’t. I didn’t blame her for keeping

249
quiet, but I felt more than just lied to, and that was why I felt
humiliated.

“So everyone at the wedding just knew not to mention it?”

“Not everyone,” she said. “He was just lucky.”

“I don’t understand why you agreed to it.”

Even if Gemma loved Sophie, she had sacrificed a lot just to

please Harry. I could only imagine she had better things to do than
watch Sophie purely to cover for Harry.

“He was supposed to tell you a lot sooner.”

“So why didn’t he?”

“He’s falling for you.”

“What?”

“He didn’t tell me anything, but it’s pretty obvious.”

“Right.”

I wasn’t particularly surprised by what she was saying, but I

hadn’t expected it to come from her. I hadn’t expected it to come
from Harry either, so my feelings were mixed. A part of me was
overwhelmed by the sudden butterflies, but another part of me
knew Harry wasn’t ever gonna tell me himself, and that made the
butterflies disappear again.

250
“He was afraid he’d mess up.”

“He did mess up.”

“I’m not saying what he did was right, Louis. I’m just saying he
kept postponing it because he was afraid of this reaction.”

I stayed quiet because I didn’t know what else to say. I understood

where Harry was coming from, but he hadn’t done himself a
favour by postponing it. I knew forgiving him was gonna be easy,
I just needed to calm down first. I needed to process it before I
could ask him the questions I needed to. It was why I skipped
brunch Sunday morning and stayed in my room during the rest of
it. It was why I refused to drive with him to school Monday
morning and walked there instead, getting up from the floor when
Liam walked towards me.

“You wanna tell me why you cancelled Saturday night?”

“I wasn’t in the mood.”

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I was positive Zayn already knew, but I couldn’t tell Liam without
Harry’s permission.

“How was the date?”

“It was okay.”

251
I was relieved he changed the subject, so I told him about the date
but left out the ending. There was definitely gonna be a certain
coldness between Niall and I, and it was proved the moment he
walked down the hall. The smile he usually sent me was nowhere
to be found, so the tension was noticeable enough for Liam to
notice it.

“I think you left something out.”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It’s about Harry.”

He frowned in response and opened his mouth to say something,

but our attention was forced away when Harry slammed Niall
against the lockers across the hall.

“That was not your secret to tell,” Harry gritted, holding Niall
against the lockers so he couldn’t run away.

“And Leah wasn’t your girlfriend to fuck.”

Harry clenched his jaw, but Niall looked satisfied despite still
being held against the lockers. It was obvious that no one knew
what had happened between them beforehand, everyone around
them seeming to gasp or whisper or something similar while Liam
took ahold of my arm.

“Did you know?” he asked me.

252
“Yeah.”

It was a simple answer, but I was too focused on Harry and Niall
to give him the details he wanted.

“Why can’t you just get over it?” Harry asked.

“Because you don’t regret it.”

“You know very well why I don’t,” he gritted.

Harry never meant to mess up with Niall, but not a single part of
him regretted Sophie.

“Why doesn’t he regret it?” Liam asked.

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Right.”

“I know,” Niall said. “She’s precious.”

“Don’t,” Harry warned.

Niall broke into a grin, and that was my cue to jump in, knowing
he was gonna spill a secret if I didn’t. I pulled Harry away from
him and pushed him away carefully so Niall could leave. Harry
looked at me while the crowd of people slowly disappeared,
realising there was nothing more to see when Niall had already
left.

“Don’t push him, Harry. He’ll just tell people if you do.”

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“You care?”

“Don’t push me either.”

His expression softened, and I turned around to leave, not getting

very far before he stopped me. “Louis.”

I turned back around to face him. “What?”

“I’m gonna make it up to you.”

“I know.”

He didn’t need to make it up to me. All I needed was a sincere

apology when I was ready for it, and he didn’t need to do more
than that.

“What the hell happened over the weekend?” Liam asked,

confused as to why I was on bad terms with both Harry and Niall,
but I couldn’t tell him about Niall without telling him about
Harry.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I can’t tell you?”

He opened his mouth to say something but regretted it, then kept
quiet until we’d sat down in our classroom. “He’s taking it a bit
far, isn’t he?”

254
“Who?”

“Niall.”

“I reckon so.”

What Harry did was messed up, but Niall only messed it up more.
They used to be best friends, but while Harry might’ve ruined
their friendship first, Niall continued to ruin it when he refused to
forgive Harry.

“But it’s messed up that Harry doesn’t regret it, isn’t it?”

I clenched my jaw in response because no matter how mad I was

at Harry, I was on his side. Niall was cruel for telling people what
had happened and that Harry didn’t regret it. If they knew about
Sophie, they’d understand, but when they didn’t, they’d just see
Harry as an asshole for not regretting it.

“There are two sides to every story, Liam.”

He stayed quiet after that, seeming to understand where I was

coming from. He was still confused, but I don’t think he had
expected me to tell him more than I did.

***

Both Gemma and Harry benefitted from the truth being out, and
it only made me more confused as to why he hadn’t told me
before. Gemma went out more than before, and Harry wasn’t

255
spending time with anyone but Sophie, yet I could tell he was
craving a conversation with me. But although I was ready for it
Friday afternoon, I still went with Liam home after school.

“Are you bored?” Liam asked me.

I paused the game I was playing on his PlayStation and looked at

him instead, his body placed between Zayn’s legs.

“Very much so.”

“Why don’t you go home?”

“Harry and I are alone all weekend.”

Our parents were out of town, so Gemma took advantage of the

fact that she could finally leave for an entire weekend. I suppose
Harry and I would’ve taken advantage of an empty house if we
hadn’t had something to solve. That was why Liam’s company
seemed like the right option as I was afraid of being tempted. But
it wasn’t much fun when Zayn’s presence made me go from best
friend to the third wheel.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Zayn asked.

“I haven’t allowed him to apologise yet.”

“Maybe you should,” Liam said.

Harry had allowed Zayn to tell him because Liam wouldn’t stop
asking. He was determined to find out why Harry didn’t regret
being with Leah, and since I wasn’t gonna tell him, he had gone

256
to Zayn. He was persistent, and I understood why. He hated that
Zayn and I knew when he didn’t, but I hadn’t allowed myself to
ask Harry if I could tell him, but Zayn hadn’t been bothered by
doing it instead. Harry hadn’t cared much about it as he knew
Liam could be trusted.

“I’m afraid,” I said.

“Why?”

“Gemma told me he was falling for me.”

Zayn looked away, and I could tell he was trying to hide

something by hiding his expression. But it wasn’t rocket science.
Gemma had been right, and Zayn knew it.

“You’re afraid he’ll tell you that himself?” Liam asked.

“A little.”

“Why?” Zayn asked.

“Admitting to our feelings won’t do us any good.”

When I talked to Gemma, I was somewhat excited about her

words, but I also knew it was unlikely that Harry would tell me
himself. I found myself being content with knowing that, but now
I was afraid he’d tell me after all.

“Why would you say that?” Liam asked.

“We’re stepbrothers.”

257
“That doesn’t make your feelings go away, Lou.”

I knew he was right, but being stepbrother prevented us from

being anything else. Neither of us had ever had a boyfriend, so
not only was it unfamiliar territory, but I also wasn’t sure either
of us wanted it if it was an option. It also brought me back to
thinking about how we’d never have gotten this close if it hadn’t
been for our parents. I was grateful for our situation, but it was so
inconvenient at the same time.

“Weren’t you the one who asked me not to fall for him?” I asked.

“Why does that matter?”

“Because it sounds like you want us to be together.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“Yes.”

“Says who?”

“I do.”

It had nothing to do with what we could and couldn’t do. No one

stopped us from dating, but we knew our parents wouldn’t
approve and even if they did, it wouldn’t be a possibility for us to
be boyfriends. If it didn’t work out, and we broke up, we’d mess
everything up. And breaking up was almost a bigger possibility
than not. Neither of us knew how to be someone’s boyfriend, nor
had we ever wanted to, so who was to say it would work out? And

258
if the decision to break up wasn’t mutual, one of us would be left
heartbroken and unable to look the other in the eyes. We wouldn’t
be capable of being in the same room, and if that happened, we
weren’t just gonna destroy our relationship, but also our family.

“Louis, just—”

“No,” I interrupted.

He opened his mouth to say something but regretted and stayed

quiet afterwards. I continued playing, and while I could clearly
hear the sound of them making out shortly after, I decided to
ignore it. I wasn’t sure whether or not they were dating, but it
seemed that way. Liam would surely have told me if they had
taken the next step, including everything about that step, whether
it was going from whatever they were to boyfriends or sex. Liam
had already let me know they had messed around in other ways,
but that wasn’t a surprise as it wasn’t the first time a blowjob had
been giving between them. It wouldn’t come as a surprise if they
had sex soon, but I also knew it was a line Zayn was nervous
about crossing.

“No more,” Liam said, making me roll my eyes while Zayn

whined quietly in response.

I wasn’t blaming them for acting the way they did and especially
not when I’d do the same with Harry if we were on better terms.
But I was jealous, and I was mad at myself for wanting what they
had. It made me frustrated in a way I didn’t completely
understand, so I got up to leave before I accidentally snapped at
them.

259
“Where are you going?” Zayn asked.

“Home.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s only a matter of time before you’re naked, and I’d
rather not be here to see it.”

It was only partly the truth. Mostly I was just too jealous to stay.
The sight of them made me want something I couldn’t have, so
despite trying not to, I couldn’t help myself from tearing up.

I walked home with mixed feelings, but when I got there I found
a note on my bed. I frowned in response, but picked it up before
I smiled to myself, the words come outside scribbled down in
Harry’s handwriting.

260
25

I put the note down and cheated by looking out of my window,

smiling stupidly to myself at the sight. He had put the safety net
up around the trampoline in the ground and from what it looked
like, he had hung blankets up the entire way around along with
fairy lights inside. It wasn’t the best time of year to do this as it
was quite cold outside, but I appreciated the gesture. I couldn’t
tell what was inside, but I went downstairs instead of wondering
about it. I opened the door to the backyard and went outside
without shoes on as I knew the grass was dry, smiling when found
the opening in the safety net and went inside.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I smiled.

The trampoline was filled with pillows, duvets and blankets to

keep us warm, and Sophie was sitting between them with her
pacifier in her mouth. It wasn’t a surprise she was there as Harry
had spent the afternoon with her. I didn’t mind her presence
anyway. We had plenty of time to be alone when she had fallen
asleep, not to talk about tomorrow and half of Sunday. It was
quite convenient she napped during the day, that giving us more
than enough time tomorrow. I had a feeling we were gonna need
it.

261
“I got us pizza,” Harry said.

I knew we weren’t done talking. It wasn’t gonna be that easy, and

Harry still owed me an apology, but it could wait until Sophie had
been put to bed.

The pizza trays were placed on top of one of the duvets, and I sat
down in front of them while he was already sitting on the other
side. He found a hat between the blankets and hid Sophie’s curls
when he put it over her head, covering up her red ears before we
started eating. We didn’t talk much, but the silence wasn’t as
uncomfortable as it had been the past week. It wasn’t particularly
comfortable either, but that was only because the tension was a
mixture between what we hadn’t quite solved yet and the need to
touch each other.

“Do you want us to sleep out here?”

“If you want to?”

“I do,” I admitted, blushing slightly as I thought back on the day

I asked him if he thought it would be fun to have sex on a
trampoline—perhaps we’d know by tonight, but we needed to
talk first.

“Sophie almost took her first steps today.”

“Really?”

He hummed and told me how she had been close enough for him
to know she’d get there soon. I smiled in response to his

262
excitement and took Sophie’s pacifier when she threw it towards
me. She let herself fall backwards and looked into the sky with an
expression that showed nothing but amusement. And when we
were done eating, and Harry leaned down to kiss her all over the
face, she broke into laughter and my heart melted as she
continued. She was awfully precious, and it made me realise a
part of me wanted to be with Harry more than I dared to admit.
Not just as boyfriends, but as something that would eventually
turn into a family. A family where we weren’t stepbrothers but
married and raising kids. It was a dream that couldn’t possibly
turn into reality, but somehow the thought stuck with me while I
watched him interact with Sophie.

“Let’s get you to bed, shall we?” Harry asked, kissing both of her
cheeks before he got back up.

He picked the pizza trays up, and I offered to take Sophie so he

didn’t have to go twice. I put the pacifier back in her mouth and
carried her inside and upstairs while Harry put the pizza trays
away. I took off her hat and jacket, her curls messy enough to
make me smile as I put her down in the bathroom. Everything
about her reminded me of Harry, but it was much more prominent
now that I knew she was his.

“Figures he’s the one who made you, huh?”

“Do you wanna change her diaper?” Harry asks from behind me,
probably after hearing me say what I did.

“I’d rather not.”

263
He chuckled in response as he had been teasing and switched
places with me before he made her lay down. I watched him from
the door while he changed her diaper and got her into her
pyjamas, following him into the nursery afterwards. He put her
into her crib, but it took him quite a while to get her to sleep, so
in the ned he got his guitar from his room, knowing it would make
her fall asleep faster. I put a hand between the bars to take her
hand, and Harry started playing, the melody along with his soft
singing slowly making her drift off, her hand losing around my
fingers as she did so.

“There we go,” he smiled, playing for an extra few minutes before

he stopped and left his guitar on the floor.

He took the baby monitor before we left the nursery and went
downstairs. He locked the front door while I made my way
outside again and onto the trampoline, getting in between duvets
and blankets. What he had done was a nice surprise, and I let
myself fall backwards, a couple of stars having appeared by now.
I smiled when he stepped onto the trampoline and laid down next
to me, propping himself up on his elbows while I looked at him.
“I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“Your excuse wasn’t good enough, you know?”

“It wasn’t an excuse, Lou. I didn’t want you to run away.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“I know that now.”

264
He knew he had messed up and perhaps that was all I needed from
him. I hadn’t expected him to tell me anything else. His
explanation was still a bit unclear, but I understood him enough
to forgive him.

“Why didn’t you use a condom?”

“Because I was irresponsible.”

“And drunk?”

“Very.”

I didn’t understand how he could accidentally forget to use a

condom, nor did I understand why Leah would let him. “Why
didn’t Leah say anything?”

“I don’t know.”

It didn’t make any sense that she’d keep quiet when she clearly
hadn’t been on the pill—or maybe she had been, but they had still
been unlucky.

“It makes sense now. That you don’t sleep around anymore.”

He loved Sophie more than he’d ever be able to comprehend, but

I doubt he wanted another one already.

“That used to be the reason,” he said. “Now there’s another one.”

“Which is?”

265
“You.”

I smiled in response, blushing slightly while I reached out to wrap

one of his curls around my finger. “It really doesn’t matter that
she’s yours, Harry. It’s quite easy to fall in love with her.”

“I know,” he smiled. “She’s very charming.”

“Well, she’s yours after all.”

“You think I’m charming?”

“Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

“I had a feeling.”

I snorted in response but moved up so I could push him onto his

back instead. I rolled onto him and pulled the duvet over us before
I leaned down to bump my nose with his. Perhaps I had expected
some form of confession from him. Maybe not one that consisted
of whatever he felt for me in details but at least some of it. At
least I’d know where he stood if he was willing to tell me the
truth, but I wasn’t gonna push him into admitting something he
didn’t want to. I wasn’t exactly keen on admitting to my own
feelings, but that was mostly because I was sure I felt it more than
he did.

I leaned down to kiss him and sighed in response to our lips

meeting, the feeling being one I had craved all week. He licked
his way into my mouth the same way he always did and moved
his hands down my body, squeezing my hips gently before he
slipped them down and into my back pockets instead. I moaned

266
softly into his mouth when he squeezed my ass and thereby made
our hardening cocks press against each other. He bit down on my
bottom lip, and I let him suck it into his mouth before I moved
away so I could get his shirt off him. I sat up properly and traced
my fingers along his muscles, leaning down to kiss him softly
before I moved further down his body, flicking my tongue over
one of his nipples.

“Oh,” he sighed, fingers disappearing into my hair as I sucked on

his nipple.

He squirmed underneath me, and I continued until he tugged on

my hair to make me stop. I chuckled in response, and he flipped
us around so I was underneath him instead and within a minute
my clothes were scattered around on the trampoline. I watched
him while he took his own clothes off and shivered from the cold,
but I knew it was only a matter of time before I was gonna be
sweating instead.

“Hurry up,” I said.

“Easy, baby.”

He got his boxers all the way off, and I bend my legs when he
moved up between them, fingers tracing along my stomach before
he moved them over one of my nipples. I shivered in response,
but he only went further up and ran his thumb along my bottom
lip, playing with it before he pushed it into my mouth. I hummed
around it and sucked on it, closing my eyes until he withdrew it
again. He leaned down to kiss me instead and moved a hand
between us, pressing a finger against my hole before he pushed
two inside me at once. I sighed in relief despite the slight pain and

267
the fact that he hadn’t made his fingers wet first, letting my head
fall back against one of the pillows. He kissed along my neck
instead and curled and scissored his fingers until I was ready for
a third, squirming underneath him when I needed more.

“Harry,” I breathed.

He smirked against my skin and moved to sit upright instead,

fingers still curling inside me as he shifted closer to me. He
reached down to smear his precum out and down his length before
he pulled his fingers out of me, using his spit as lube as he could
tell the precum wasn’t gonna be quite enough.

“You ready?”

He bit his lip when I nodded, then looked down to focus on his
cock as he started pushing into me, looking up at me once he was
halfway in. He pushed the rest of the way in much faster and
forced a moan out of me when he unexpectedly hit my prostate,
staying there to let me adjust. But he knew he was pressing
against the right spot, so he moved his hips back and forth gently
while staying deep inside me.

“Harry.”

“You want more?”

“Please.”

He smirked just enough for me to notice it and pulled back until

nothing but the head of his cock was left inside me. He stayed
there for a painfully long moment, teasing me before he thrust

268
back into me, my eyes rolling in response to the pleasure. It
seemed as if a part of me was never gonna get used to the feeling
of him. Once again the pleasure surprised me, and it only got
better when he built up a steady rhythm, faster and rougher all at
the same time.

We weren’t being as quiet as we could, but being louder would

be a risk when we were outside, so I bit my lip to make sure I
didn’t accidentally scream. He hit my prostate with thrust, and I
reached out to trace my fingers along his skin, abs fluttering under
my finger. He somehow forced himself deeper into me, and I
could tell he was close once he slowed down, every thrust being
just as hard as before but slower and deeper.

The drag of his cock sent me straight into a frenzy, and I let
myself get lost in the feeling, tugging him down so I could kiss
him. I reached my orgasm before I was ready for it, and Harry
chased his while he fucked me through mine. He moaned into my
mouth when he got there and moved up so he could look at me
instead, eyes rolling while he filled me up, gently thrusting out
his orgasm before he collapsed on top of me.

“I want another gold star.”

I chuckled in response before he moved away from me, carefully

pulling out before he cleaned me up with my t-shirt. Neither of us
bothered to get into our boxers again, so we simply laid down on
one of the duvets after Harry had turned off the fairy lights so we
could see the stars better. He slipped his hand into mine and when
we started getting cold, we pulled a blanket and a duvet over us,
knowing we were gonna need both to keep us warm.

269
“I don’t wanna grow up.”

I wasn’t sure why it suddenly occurred to me how little I wanted

to be an adult. I suppose moments like these made me wonder
about a future I hadn’t yet thought about. It was admittedly
because of Harry’s presence. A presence I wouldn’t have when I
grew older. He’d be in my life, but only as my stepbrother and
not someone I could look at the stars with. Remaining this age
would give me the opportunity to have him for as long as I needed
him. I would stay in High School too, which was the kind of
safety I hadn’t thought much about before. I wasn’t particularly
fond of going to school, but graduating had become a fear simply
because it would leave me with a decision I wasn’t ready to take.
I knew what I wanted in life, but I was terrified of failing, so I’d
rather stay in High School and remain there for the rest of my life.

“Are you suffering from Peter Pan syndrome or something?”

I snorted but turned around to snuggle into him instead, knowing

he was teasing. “I’m just not ready to be an adult yet. I wanna stay
here forever.”

“Even when it starts snowing?”

“You’ll keep me warm, won’t you?”

“Always.”

I snuggled further into him and several minutes passed while I

wondered what questions were appropriate when it came to him
and Leah. I didn’t necessarily need the details, but I was curious.

270
“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Were you at the hospital when Sophie was born?”

“I was.”

“Did you consider adoption?”

“For a while, yeah. Leah especially. But I wanted her, so she gave
me full custody without complaining.”

It wasn’t a surprise that Leah had willingly given him custody.

Not only did she not want to be a mom, but she and Harry were
friends beforehand, so I couldn’t imagine there were any bad
feelings between them. Leah had most likely wanted the best for
Sophie, and knowing Harry, she knew he’d be the best option. I
wouldn’t have thought so myself if I didn’t know him as well as
I did now. He didn’t exactly come off as the type of guy who’d
be so awfully good with kids, but he was, and Leah must have
known that beforehand.

“Leah was always really, really kind. It’s hard to imagine she’d
just leave.”

“I guess so.”

I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it anymore—maybe it

wasn’t particularly easy for him that Leah had left Sophie.
“Sophie is gonna be okay without a mom, you know.”

271
“Everyone deserves two parents, Louis.”

“Doesn’t mean everyone is better off that way.”

He wasn’t entirely wrong when he said everyone deserved both

their parents, but I wasn’t wrong either. I’d have loved to have a
dad, but I had always known I was better off with only one parent
when I knew the other one didn’t want me. I had never wanted to
witness his inability to love me.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be, but Sophie is gonna be fine, Harry.”

“How do you know that?”

“She has you.” He kissed me on the top of my head, tightening

his grip on me. “Would you have wanted Leah as a girlfriend?”

“No,” he said. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering?”

“Would you have been jealous?”

“I don’t know.”

If Harry had been with Leah, we wouldn’t have slept together, but
our parents would still have gotten married. Sex wasn’t all I cared
about, so I’d most likely still have fallen for him, but not nearly
as fast. He’d have spent less time with me and more with Leah,
and our situation would’ve been completely different. I’d

272
probably still have been jealous, yet I’d have suppressed it for the
sake of their relationship.

“I like how things worked out.”

I smiled in response and snuggled as far into him as I could before

I closed my eyes. I liked how things worked out too.

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26

I was cold when I woke up, which wasn’t strange when I had
pushed the duvet off me during the night. I squinted my eyes
when I opened them, avoiding the sunlight as much as I could
before I turned around. I lifted the duvet Harry had over him and
then the blanket under it, his body warm when I lifted his arm to
put it around me and rested my head on his chest. I made sure I
was covered up completely by both the blanket and the duvet.

“You’re cold,” he mumbled.

“I’m naked.”

“There’s plenty of blankets.”

I hummed in response because I honestly didn’t know how it

happened. We had fallen asleep with our bodies intertwined and
covered by what we were currently covered by, yet I had
somehow slipped out of his hold without something to cover me.

“You’re warm enough.”

He kissed me on the top of my head, and we laid quietly for a few

moments, but his naked body tempted me more than I wanted to
admit. I traced my fingers along his abs, but I slowly moved them

274
further down, Harry’s heart rate increasing in response. I carefully
traced my fingers along his hardening member, barely touching
him, but it was enough to make him hard.

“Louis,” he breathed, whimpering when I teased the tip with my

fingers.

I wrapped my hand around him and slowly moved it up and down

his length, continuing until he was fully hard and my own cock
was throbbing against his body. I moved onto him completely and
moaned softly when my cock pressed against his, pressing a kiss
to his lips before I sat up instead. I took him in my hand again,
and he ran his hands up my thighs and onto my hips, squeezing
gently while I smeared out his precum to use it as lube. I lifted
myself up afterwards, and Harry sighed in relief when I let the
head of his cock slip into me, closing my eyes when the rest of
him slid into me just as easily. I gasped in response and took a
moment to breathe when we were skin to skin. I was still slightly
sore from last night, but it was awfully satisfying to be filled
again.

Harry looked up at me without saying anything, breathing heavily

while he let me take my time. He knew as well as me that I wasn’t
adjusting to the stretch, but rather enjoying the feeling of being
full before I did anything else. His abs tensed up when I started
moving my hips back and forth slowly, teasing him before I lifted
myself up and dropped back down, a moan ripping through my
throat. He kept his hands on my hips to keep me steady when I
continued, slow being the only way for us to do it as the bouncing
from the trampoline didn’t do us any favours if we went faster.

275
He slid in and out of me effortlessly and moved his hands from
my hips to my ass, spreading my ass cheeks apart to get even
deeper in. I choked on a moan in response, knowing he could only
brush against my prostate a certain amount of times before I was
about ready to fall apart, and I was already making him hit it every
time I dropped back down. But I held back as long as I possibly
could, yet when he took my cock in his hand, I knew it was only
a matter of time before he pushed me over the edge.

He smeared the precum out and down my length before he

squeezed at the base and dragged his hand to the tip slowly,
causing my orgasm to rush through me all at once. Time seemed
to fall apart while I did the same and once again every possible
consequence of what we were doing disappeared into thin air.

I could feel him throbbing inside me, but I was too sensitive to
continue, not to talk about how tired my legs were. I got off him
instead and moved between his legs to take his cock in my hand.
I licked along the underside before I swirled my tongue around
the tip, humming in response to the precum as I took him in my
mouth. I sucked around the head gently, that being all it took for
him to get there, fingers clenching in my hair while his cum shot
into my mouth. I swallowed it before I licked off the remains and
continued stroking him until his orgasm had let of him
completely. He relaxed against the trampoline and reached out for
my t-shirt to clean the hand that was still covered in my cum,
continuing to his stomach afterwards. I kissed along it afterwards
and continued along his chest, kissing him softly when I reached
his lips.

“That was an awfully nice way to wake up.” I smiled in response,

but I didn’t get to say anything as the baby monitor let us know

276
Sophie was awake, making me thankful it hadn’t happened before
we were done. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know.” I rolled off him and looked for my phone while
he got into his boxers. “Half past eight.”

“She’s been sleeping awfully late then.”

I hummed in response and watched him leave the trampoline to

go inside. I laid still for a moment or two before I found my
boxers and took them on along with Harry’s t-shirt. I crawled
under the duvet again and looked up at the clouds until Harry
came back with Sophie. He lifted the duvet and put her down next
to me before he laid down on the other side of her.

***

Harry and I had just gotten out of the shower when Sophie woke
up from her nap. I was too sore to move, and if I did, I’d be
walking funny enough for it to be noticeable. Harry hadn’t only
fucked me on the couch during Sophie’s nap-time, but he had also
bent me over the dinner table and then fingered me straight into
another orgasm in the shower. We had taken advantage of an
empty house the best we could, but although Harry had left me
satisfied, I was incapable of taking more, so we had invited Liam
and Zayn over, and it was only a matter of time before they
arrived.

“You okay?” Harry chuckled.

277
I looked up at him as he walked back into the living room with
Sophie. I had collapsed on the couch in nothing by my boxers and
one of Harry’s t-shirts, watching the credits on the movie we had
been watching before we got caught up in each other instead. I
had watched the rest of it while he fed Sophie, and I was too lazy
to turn it off.

“I’m good.”

“You sore?”

“Very.”

“Sorry.”

I could tell by his smile that he wasn’t, but he didn’t need to be.
The soreness wasn’t the only evidence of what we had done.
Hickeys were forbidden in places they could be seen, but my
inner thighs were covered in them along with my hips and
collarbones. The ones on my hips were mixed with the bruises
from his fingers, but the thought of it was enough to make me
smile.

I sat up instead, reaching out for Sophie when the doorbell rang.
“Give me.”

“Are you getting baby-fever?”

“It’s a possibility.”

He smiled but handed me Sophie nonetheless. I sat her down in

my lap, and she leaned against me, still somewhat tired from her

278
nap. Either I was getting baby-fever because Sophie was
practically a mini-Harry or simply because she was so awfully
adorable. I think Harry liked the fact that I was falling in love with
her. At least that was what his smile told me when he came back
in with Liam and Zayn. Zayn was smiling too, and he leaned
down to kiss Sophie on the cheek before he sat down next to
Liam. Harry sat down next to me, and Sophie looked at him for a
brief moment before she went back to playing with my fingers.

“Why aren’t you wearing pants?” Liam asked, his eyes glued to
my thighs as Sophie wasn’t covering them up completely—he
was used to seeing me in my boxers, but not when my inner thighs
were covered in hickeys.

“Stop staring,” Zayn said, turning Liam’s chin by his hand.

It was the first time I had seen even the slightest bit of jealousy in
Zayn’s eyes, but it was there, and Liam smirked in response to it.
They kissed afterwards and somehow lost themselves in the
moment while all I could do was look at them. Liam was falling
in love, and I was so, so jealous of how easy it was for them. Once
Zayn was ready to be affectionate in public, they could stop
hiding, but Harry and I couldn’t because we’d always be hiding.

“Baby,” Harry said, making me blink my tears away before I

looked at him. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure.”

279
I nodded, but I could tell he didn’t believe me. Yet he kissed me
instead of pushing me, and I sighed into it, craving more instantly,
yet we couldn’t. Not only was Sophie here, but so was Zayn and
Liam, and the doorbell rang too. Harry got up and disappeared
out of the living room while Liam and Zayn stopped kissing,
Zayn’s eyes widening when Harry came back with the women
who had knocked.

“Mom,” Zayn said. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you. I figured you’d be here.”

“It was a coincidence,” he said. “I don’t actually live here.”

“Where are you living then?”

She seemed surprised, but I could tell she cared at the same time.
I wouldn’t say this was a conversation they should have with the
rest of us around, but Zayn didn’t look like he cared, nor did he
look like he was willing to get up.

“With Liam.”

“Who’s Liam?”

“My boyfriend.”

Liam choked on the air next to him, which convinced me they

hadn’t discussed it yet. But I smiled in response to Zayn’s
confidence, and his mom didn’t react nearly as bad I had expected
her to.

280
“I’d like to apologise,” she said. “I still don’t understand, but I’m
trying.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

“And dad?”

She sighed in response and looked away, that being enough to let
Zayn known his dad hadn’t even considered changing his mind.
“I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.”

It was obvious she didn’t believe in her own words, but there was
a hint of hope behind them either way.

“I don’t think so, Mom.”

“He’d like for you to move back home.” Zayn frowned, and so
did the rest of us.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Liam sighed in relief, accidentally making it too obvious that he

didn’t want Zayn to move out. I knew he’d be happy for Zayn if
he made up with his family, but he had gotten used to having him
around.

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t accept me. I’m glad you’re trying, mom, but
you’d never allow me to see Liam, and you know that.”

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Liam shifted uncomfortably before he got up to leave, and I took
the chance to leave at the same time, Harry following us out of
the living room. We stayed quiet while we waited for them to
finish. Liam chewed on his bottom lip nervously, and Harry
played with the ring on his finger while Sophie had reached up to
play with my hair.

“What if he…” Liam trailed off while I sat down next to him on
the last step of the stairs.

“He’s not gonna break up with you.”

I think Liam was worried Zayn would choose his family over him.
But he wasn’t going to. Not when he had already left.

“I didn’t even know he was my boyfriend.”

“I don’t think he did either,” Harry pointed out. “Not until

tonight.”

“Do you think he’ll go home?”

“I doubt it.”

Liam hummed in response, but other than that we stayed quiet

until Zayn and his mom came out again. Zayn opened the door
for her, and she turned around to face him before she left.

“I love you.”

282
“I love you too, Mom.” He hugged her before she left, then turned
back around to look at Liam who seemed as nervous as before.
“I’m not moving home, babe.”

“You okay with that?” Liam asked.

“Absolutely.”

“Okay.”

They both smiled and soon enough they were kissing again,
making me wonder why they bothered to come over. They were
over each other most of the night, and I let them sleep in my bed,
but I wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea. Harry distracted me,
but his tongue in my mouth wasn’t enough to drown out the
moans that could eventually be heard from across the hall. I
groaned in response to the thought of what they were doing. I was
happy they were getting something, but they were doing it on my
sheets.

“That’s not right,” Harry chuckled as he rolled onto me.

“Just kiss me again.”

His lips barely touched mine before Sophie’s crying could be

heard through the baby monitor. I groaned again, but Harry just
chuckled and got up to leave his room. He didn’t bother with
trying to get her back to sleep but simply brought her into his
room so she could sleep between us. I didn’t really mind though.
I was too sore to have sex anyway, and my baby fever caused me
to find it nice rather than annoying. I didn’t even care when I

283
woke up with her foot in my face because she was adorable, and
like Harry, I couldn’t get enough of her.

I couldn’t get enough of Harry either, so even with Sophie’s

presence, I moved over them to get behind Harry instead. I
wrapped an arm around him and kissed his shoulder before I
relaxed behind him, falling back to sleep almost instantly.

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27

Our rendezvous continued for the next month without any

trouble. We were mostly too eager to wait for the house to be
empty and quite often, almost every night, we snuck into each
others rooms where Harry kept a hand over my mouth while he
fucked me. It was risky, but we seemed to get more and more
careless as so many days passed where we didn’t get caught. I
wasn’t sure whether or not Gemma knew we had started again
after the wedding, but if she did she didn’t say anything. I don’t
think she cared much either way.

I, on the other hand, cared too much. Not about getting caught,
but about the love I could no longer run from. I had fallen in love
with him, but despite knowing it was rather inconvenient, I had
no intention of pulling away from him. It was why I barely had a
problem with making our with him in the locker room once again.
It was empty, but the unlocked door was a risk we had taken
because it would’ve been too suspicious if we had locked it.

“We should get going,” Harry said, making me chase his lips
before I pouted. “You’re cute when you pout like that.”

“Piss off.”

“You’re blushing.”

285
I rested my forehead against his shoulder to hide the blush he was
talking about. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me
tightly, the way he did when he got overwhelmed by his feelings.
I had learned it slowly throughout our time together, but it was
the same way I got overwhelmed. When it seemed like I was
gonna explode from love and therefore needed him closer as if
that was gonna stop my heart from bursting.

“Don’t let go,” I mumbled, tightening my grip on him when I got

overwhelmed too.

I suppose we were both holding back from telling each other how
we felt. It was only three words, but it wasn’t that simple. If we
hadn’t been in this inconvenient situation, I was sure we’d already
have said it, but it was a risk like everything else. Having sex was
one thing, but admitting to being in love was another. Maybe it
wasn’t just about the hug when I asked him not to let go. Maybe
I didn’t want him to let go of me at all.

“I won’t,” he said. “But we really should get going.”

“Why?”

“I need you closer than this.” He pulled away and took my face
in his hands, kissing me softly before he smirked. “And naked.”

“Now, that was unexpected.” Niall’s voice makes us break apart,

panic rising within me while he broke into a wicked grin. “I
suppose it makes sense. You were unusually upset when I told
you he knocked up my girlfriend.”

286
“Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“I could ask you the same question, couldn’t I? You’re

stepbrothers after all.”

“What do you want?” Harry asked.

“I didn’t think I wanted anything, but now that I have a photo of

you kissing, I might just come up with something.”

I teared up before I could stop it from happening. Niall was

turning into someone I didn’t recognise. He was cruel in a way I
had never thought was possible for someone like him, and his
usual kindness was nowhere to be found.

“What do you get out of exposing us?” I asked.

“It would be humiliating for you, wouldn’t it?”

It suddenly made sense why he would even consider it. He had

been humiliated by Harry and Leah when they decided to hook
up and now everyone knew about it. They didn’t know about
Sophie, but they knew Harry had slept with Leah and that he
didn’t regret it. Somehow that detail made it even more
humiliating for Niall. People had made up their minds about both
of them, but Niall got it wrong. He thought people were thinking
of him as a pushover, but in reality, they felt bad for him. Niall
had nothing to be humiliated about, but he thought he did.

“No.”

287
I honestly wouldn’t. I didn’t care about what other people
thought, but I knew it was gonna get out to more than the ones
within the walls of our school. It was gonna reach our parents
eventually, and that was the source of my panic.

“But you don’t want it out, do you?”

“No,” I said again.

“Maybe we can figure something out,” he said, his grin still

enough to make me nervous.

“Do you want me to tell people I have a daughter?” Harry asked.

“You’d never do that,” he said. “You’d almost think you were

ashamed of her.”

“I’ll kill you,” Harry gritted before he slammed Niall against the
lockers harder than he did the last time.

Niall groaned in response, his grin disappearing completely. I was

satisfied by his actions, but it was only a matter of time before he
got himself in trouble, yet I didn’t get to stop him before he had
given Niall a nosebleed. I understood his anger, so I didn’t blame
him for wanting to hurt Niall, but he had to stop.

“Harry, stop,” I said as I pulled him away, letting Niall go despite

knowing he wasn’t gonna leave.

The wicked grin appeared again, and I knew exactly why. He had
provoked Harry on purpose to get him in trouble. Sophie was
Harry’s favourite person, and he had never been ashamed of her,

288
but Niall used it to get on his nerves either way, and I didn’t blame
Harry for falling for it.

“Let’s go,” Harry mumbled.

“Neither of you goes anywhere.”

We turned around to face our PE teacher. We hadn’t heard him

come in, but he looked angry. He sent us straight to the principles
office where Harry got himself a weeks suspensions, and Niall
was sent further down the hall to the nurse. Harry was
understandably angry, and he punched one of the walls outside
until his knuckles bled. I wasn’t strong enough to pull him away
when he so obviously didn’t want to stop. He had found a way to
get his frustrations out, and he didn’t seem to care about his
scratched up knuckles. I tried my best to pull him away and in the
end, he gave up and took us home. He was worried and angry,
and so was I, but I decided not to think too much about it. Niall
couldn’t possibly be cruel enough to expose us.

I washed the blood off Harry’s hand when we came home. He sat
quietly without saying anything, and I lifted his hand to kiss his
knuckles when I was done.

“I’m not ashamed of her,” he whispered.

“I know, baby.”

He teared up, but I sat down on him and forced him to look at me
when I took his face in my hands. Sophie was the most important
person to him and no one was gonna take her place. But High
School wasn’t always the kindest place, and Harry was trying to

289
protect everyone involved. He wouldn’t necessarily mind if
people knew, but Leah would, and Harry respected that despite
her absence.

“I just—”

“You don’t have to explain.” I kissed him softly, making him kiss
me back harder before he let us fall backwards without breaking
the kiss. “Who’s picking up Sophie?”

“My dad.”

“How much time do we have?”

“I don’t know.”

“Kissing it is, then.”

He nodded, so I leaned down to kiss him again, melting into it

before he flipped us around.

“Move up.”

I did as he told me to, moving up the bed before I spread my legs

for him. He crawled up between them and hovered over me,
leaning down to take my bottom lip between his teeth. He slipped
his tongue into my mouth when he let go, and I moaned in
response, letting him relax against me before I wrapped my legs
around him. I didn’t stop him as he slipped a hand under my shirt
because I did the same and let my hands trace the skin on his back.

“Harry.”

290
“I want you.”

“You always want me.”

“I can’t help it.”

I smiled against his lips because I felt the same. No matter how
much time we spend touching each other, I could never get
enough. Even during the time we simply watched Netflix and
cuddled throughout a movie, we somehow always ended up
touching each other. Whether it led to sex or a simple handjob or
something in between, the sexual tension never went away. We
had our share of fun without fooling around, but somehow the fun
always ended in something a lot less innocent. Not that I was
complaining.

“Someone’s home,” I said, pushing him off me carefully when

someone walked up the stairs.

He sat up instead, and I rolled onto my stomach to hide my

erection. Desmond knocked before he came in with Sophie, Harry
lighting up when he took her.

“Hi, baby,” he said, kissing her all over the face while his dad
smiled.

“School called,” Desmond said.

Harry’s smile faded while he sat down with Sophie. “I’m sorry,
dad.”

291
“You can’t solve your problems with violence, Harry.”

Harry sighed, but told Desmond what had happened. Not in

details of course, but what Niall had said to piss him off. He
seemed to understand, but he also told Harry he was better than
that. That fighting wasn’t the solution no matter what Niall had
said. But he wasn’t as angry as I’d have expected him to be. I
think he knew Harry understood the trouble he had gotten himself
into, so there was no need to yell. He did forbid him to see anyone
during the week he was suspended, but Harry didn’t mind. He
knew I didn’t count, so he’d get a certain kind of company either
way.

“What are you up to then?” Desmond asked.

“Nothing much,” Harry said.

Desmond hummed in response and smiled before he left, leaving

the door open as he saw no reason to close it. We played with
Sophie until Gemma practically burst into Harry’s room after
having rushed up the stairs.

“What the hell is this?” she asked, handing me her phone as Harry
had a toy in each hand.

My mouth dropped slightly open when I looked at a photo of

Harry and I kissing.

“Who sent you that?” Harry asked.

“Niall did.”

292
“You serious?”

“Very,” she said. “Why did you let yourself get caught?”

“It was an accident,” I said, now knowing she had been onto us
the whole time.

I suppose she didn’t think it was any of her business, but she was
as afraid of this as we were. She didn’t want this family to unravel
either. Especially not when she got along with my mom as well
as she did.

“You’re lucky I already knew.”

Niall was clearly trying to destroy something by sending the

photo to Gemma instead of one of our parents. He knew she might
know, and if she didn’t, she’d still have confronted us before
telling our parents. Niall probably knew this, so he was simply
playing a game to make us panic before it was necessary. I had
mixed feelings about the situation. I knew Gemma wasn’t gonna
tell our parents, but now I also knew Niall was capable of
exposing us if he really wanted to. It made me nervous in such a
horrible way and an uneasy feeling settled within me, almost as
if I could feel the tragedy arriving. I was hopeful all at the same
time, thinking Niall couldn’t possibly be that cruel, but perhaps
the idea of revenge clouded the good in him. It turned out I was
right, and I stopped in my steps as soon as I walked through the
double doors the next morning, my heart nearly stopping when I
saw what he had done.

293
28

Niall had caught us red-handed and the evidence was taped to

every single locker all the way down the hall. Because of Harry’s
suspension, he wasn’t here to take half the attention. Half the
hallway was looking at me and the other half was looking at the
photo taped to their locker, though all of them were too
intimidated to say anything when Harry was involved. But it
didn’t stop them from whispering, nor did it stop them from
looking at me like I was actually related to Harry.

“Look at me, Louis.” I snapped out my thoughts and looked at

Zayn instead, his hands placed on my cheeks. “It’s gonna be
okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

I still didn’t care about people’s opinions, but our parents were
gonna find out now. There was no way around it.

“Take a deep breath.” I did as he told me to, but I was still

trembling. “You have to believe your parents won’t forbid you to
be together.”

“I can’t just believe that.”

294
It wasn’t about our parents’ acceptance. It was about what was
gonna happen if Harry and I broke up, which was pretty much
inevitable when we were both going off to uni. I hadn’t been sure
whether or not that was something I wanted, but not getting into
medical school was something I’d regret. I could always drop out
if failure became a reality, but Harry had convinced me to at least
try. If I had believed in love, I was certain we could’ve made it
work, but neither of us knew how to be someone’s boyfriend, so
making long-distance work was certainly out of the picture.

“Give them the benefit of the doubt,” Zayn said.

I knew he was right, but I had a hard time believing our parents
would agree to let us date, so I had already teared up. I let him
hug me while I tried my best not to cry. Zayn and I had grown
close over the past month, the same way Harry and Liam had, and
I was suddenly grateful for his presence.

“I just… I can’t handle this alone.”

“Harry is already on his way.”

I pulled back to look at him. “He’s suspended.”

“He doesn’t care, Louis. I called him when I saw the photos. He
knows you need him.”

I smiled, but I didn’t have time to come up with a response. Not

only was Liam walking towards us, but Harry walked through the
double doors at the same time. His eyes found mine, and he
walked towards me as if the entire hallway wasn’t watching him.

295
“You okay?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”

Harry was used to attention, and I had gotten used to it whenever

I walked with him or sat with him during lunch, but this was
different. People didn’t admire Harry the way they used to. The
truth about Leah was the reason for it, but now this was in the mix
too. If they knew about Sophie, they wouldn’t necessarily think
of him as the villain anymore, but it wouldn’t make them
understand his relationship with me.

“Where is he?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know.”

I looked around to see if Niall was between the crowd of people,

but Harry found him before I did. And once again he slammed
him against the lockers, but there was something about Niall that
wasn’t quite right. He seemed less than satisfied. Almost as if he
regretted what he had done.

“When did you become so cruel?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Niall asked.

“Was it when I fucked your girlfriend? Or when she gave birth to

my daughter?”

My mouth dropped open, and it seemed like everyone else was

equally as shocked, but for a different reason. I was shocked
because he admitted to it, but they were shocked because they

296
hadn’t known. Leah had never wanted it out, that being the
biggest reason for why he had kept quiet about it, but she wasn’t
here. She didn’t even live in the same city anymore, so it
shouldn’t matter.

“I really did think you were ashamed of her.”

“I’m not,” Harry gritted. “She’s the best thing that has ever
happened to me, and you don’t get to take that away from me just
because you want me to feel guilty.”

“I get it, okay? But what did expect?”

“That you’d forgive me for not regretting my daughter.”

Niall’s expression softened. For the first time, he seemed to

understand where Harry was coming from. Why Niall had blamed
him for not regretting Sophie in the first place was a mystery.
Perhaps he had been too blinded by Harry’s betrayal to see that
he’d most definitely have regretted it if it hadn’t been for Sophie.

“Let me go,” Niall said, just loud enough for us to hear it.

I expected him to leave when Harry let go of him, but he stayed

put. There was a noticeable tension between them and even when
the bell rang, they stayed in the same spot while everyone else
realised nothing was gonna happen. They disappeared down the
hall and into whatever classroom they were supposed to be in.
Liam and Zayn did the same after having made sure I was okay
on my own. I wasn’t on my own anyway. Harry and Niall were
still here, and I was waiting for them to do something, neither of
them saying anything until the hallway was completely empty.

297
“I know I messed up,” Harry began, “but you saw how guilty I
was when I told you. And just because I don’t regret it anymore
doesn’t mean I’m not sorry.”

“Then why did you stop apologising?”

“Because you wouldn’t forgive me.”

If Harry had continuously apologised to Niall without any result,

then it made sense that he had eventually given up on him.

“I was so mad at you.”

“I get that, but I can’t spend the rest of my life apologising to you.
Not when you can’t find it in yourself to forgive me.”

“I do forgive you.”

“Really?”

I was as surprised as Harry. Especially since it didn’t sound like

it was something he had just decided.

“I haven’t been angry in a very long time, Harry. I’ve just

pretended to be.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want to see her.”

“Who?”

298
“Sophie.”

“Who said you had to?”

“I figured we’d go back to spending time together.”

What he said made sense. Sophie was a spitting image of Leah

while also being a spitting image of Harry. It was confusing, but
it was the truth. It would only hurt Niall to see her, but no one
said he had to see her just because they became friends again.

“Do you think I bring her with me everywhere I go?”

“No.”

Harry just sighed in response. It seemed like he needed a little

more time to take it in, but I could tell Niall did too. They had
been apart for a long time, so it was only natural that they needed
to find their way back slowly. To ease themselves into it. And it
wasn’t the right time to catch up anyway.

“Why did you do it?” I asked.

They both looked at me, almost as if they had forgotten I was still
present.

“I’m sorry,” Niall said.

“Then tell me why you did it. I mean, if you aren’t mad at Harry,
then why expose us?”

299
It made absolutely no sense now. At least before there was a
reason. I might not have understood it, but now I could see no
reason at all for why he’d do it.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I don’t think it had anything to with

Harry.”

I frowned. “What have I ever done to you?”

“You rejected me.”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t have to. You told me you weren’t looking
for anything serious.”

“I lied.”

“Why?”

“Because I could tell you didn’t like me back. I was trying not to
humiliate myself.”

I teared up in response to his words. Not because he hurt me, but

because he had been so offended that he thought revenge was the
right way to deal with it. He had ruined everything between Harry
and I simply because I didn’t want him.

“You might have forgiven me,” Harry began, “but don’t expect
me to forgive you for this anytime soon.”

“I’m sorry,” Niall said. “I really am.”

“A bit too late now, don’t you think?” I asked.

300
Niall opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
I could tell he meant what he said, but it didn’t change anything.
What he had done couldn’t be undone.

“I put a photo in your mailbox,” he admitted, somehow trying to

make up for what he did by warning us.

“You really did let the jealousy get the best of you, didn’t you?”
I asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that already,” Harry snapped.

“I’m serious.”

“You can’t take back what you did, Niall. Not when it’s already
all over the school.” Harry was right and even if we got the picture
before our parents found it in the mailbox, it wouldn’t change
anything. It would only delay the news. “You might wanna leave
before I beat the shit out of you.”

“I really am sorry.”

He looked at us for another moment before he left and

disappeared around the corner at the end of the hall. I closed my
eyes as the tears finally escaped, every feeling I had held in since
I first walk through the double doors seeming to overwhelm me
at once.

“Come here, baby.”

301
I walked into his arms and held on to him as tightly as he held on
to me. He let several minutes pass before he suggested we took
the photos down and went home. I didn’t have it in me to come
up with a counterargument. Not when all I wanted was go home.
I knew I shouldn’t skip school when I wasn’t sick, but I had to.
Just this once I had to go home and avoid the chaos today would
bring. So I did as he suggested and ripped down photo after photo
on the left side of the hall while he took the right, continuing until
there wasn’t any left.

“You’re suspended, Harry.”

We turned around to face our English teacher. I was supposed to

be in that class right now, and if Harry hadn’t been suspended,
he’d be there too. I assume she had heard us outside the
classroom, if not seen us through the window in the door.

“I’m not staying,” Harry said. “I just come to take Louis home.”

“Are you sick, Louis?”

“No.”

“Then I suggest you stay here.”

“I’m not going to.”

“How come?”

302
She wasn’t mad. She rarely was, but she wanted an explanation
either way, so I handed her one of the photos to let her know why
I wanted to go home.

“Didn’t you see them before class? There was one taped to every
single locker—at least in this hallway.”

We hadn’t checked the other hallways, but I couldn’t be bothered

to go through them. Everyone knew by now anyway, so if
someone missed it, another person would surely inform them.

“No. I didn’t even notice.”

“Hmm.”

I suppose it wasn’t surprising. It wasn’t the first time someone

had taped something to the lockers. It happened quite often, but
mostly it was posters for events or something similar to that. If
she hadn’t paid attention to what it was exactly, then it made sense
she had missed it. She might even have been in the classroom
before Niall taped the photos to the lockers.

“Who’s gonna care about this?”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, but I already knew what she
meant.

“That’s not the problem,” I told her. “People don’t care about our
sexuality.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

303
“We’re stepbrothers.”

“That’s right,” she said.

I honestly thought the principal was the only one who knew, and
that was only because my mom’s last name had changed into
Styles.

“Can I go home?” I asked.

She looked at me for another moment before she sent me a smile.

“Go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

We were about to turn around when she stopped us, making us

look at her again. “Who did this?”

“Niall Horan,” Harry said.

He clearly didn’t care about the consequences that Niall was

inevitably gonna face. I understood him, and I was grateful that
he decided to put his kindness aside and give Niall what he
deserved.

“Why?”

“Revenge, I assume.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything. I don’t think she knew what
Harry was talking about, but perhaps she could tell it wasn’t any
of her business. Instead of saying anything, she gestured for us to

304
go ahead and leave. I followed Harry outside and into his car,
holding his hand on the way home despite the silence. Neither of
us knew what to say because we weren’t sure everything was
gonna be okay when we got home. It was too early for them to be
home, so it wasn’t surprising to see no cars in the driveway. But
even then, there was nothing we could do about the photo in the
mailbox. Neither of us knew where the key was, not were we able
to find it when we looked for it.

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I mumble. “They’re gonna find out

one way or another.”

“Baby,” Harry sighed.

He followed me upstairs, but I didn’t know what to say. I went

into his room and buried myself under his duvet, enjoying his
scent before he crawled under it as well.

“This sucks.”

He hums as he pulls me into his body. “What do we do if they tell

us we can’t be together?”

“We aren’t together now, are we?”

“No, I suppose not.”

He sounded disappointed, but he knew I was right. We had never

discussed the possibility to be more than what we were now. We
hadn’t even done something as simple as admitting to our feelings
yet.

305
“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered, reaching out to stroke my cheek.

“I suppose it’ll be easier to decide when we hear them out.”

“I guess so.”

I teared up and snuggled closer to him to hide it, feeling his lips
against my forehead before I relaxed in his hold. I must have
fallen asleep because I was rather confused when Harry shook me
awake carefully.

“They found the photo.”

“What?” I asked, suddenly feeling a lot more awake than before.

“How do you know that? Did they tell you?”

“No, but they just called us downstairs.”

“So?”

“They don’t sound happy. And your mom wasn’t supposed to be

home before tonight.”

I knew he was right, but I wasn’t ready to face them. I wasn’t

ready to hear what they had to say, nor was I ready to let go of
Harry. I was trying to come up with another reason for why my
mom would be home early, but it was no use. We had to face the
consequences, and I knew that.

“Harry,” I said, stopping him before we went out of his room.

306
I took his face in my hands and got up on my tippy toes before I
kissed him. He kissed me back harder and pulled me closer by my
waist, continuing to kiss me until Desmond called for us again.
Harry had been right. He did sound less than happy, but I held on
to Harry for another moment before I allowed the world to come
crumbling down.

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29

“This was in the mailbox.”

I looked at my mom while she pushed the photo across the kitchen
island. Both Harry and I were sitting down while our parents were
standing on the other side. I even couldn’t tell who looked more
displeased.

“Can you give us an explanation?” Desmond asked.

“What is there to explain?” I asked.

For a moment I considered lying. The photo made it obvious that

we had kissed, but it didn’t prove more than that. For all they
knew, it could’ve been our first kiss. It could’ve happened before
we knew they were getting married. Something that hadn’t
happened since. After all, they couldn’t tell when the photo had
been taken. But even thinking about it made the guilt bubble
inside me and as much as I wanted to lie and get us out of it alive,
I couldn’t.

“How should we know?” he asked. “It’s your explanation.”

“There’s not much to say,” Harry mumbled, discreetly putting a

hand on my thigh to calm me down.

308
I took his hand and intertwined our fingers, receiving a squeeze
in response.

“How about the truth?” my mom asked.

Her anger had turned into disappointment. I could clearly hear it

in her voice.

“It’s not the only kiss,” Harry said, taking a breath before he
continued. “We uh… we slept together before we knew you were
dating.”

“How many times?” Desmond asked.

“Just once.”

I couldn’t look my mom in the eyes. It was a mixture between the

obvious disappointment and the fact that we were talking about
sex.

“How long before?”

Desmond seemed less bothered by the subject than my mom. I

could only assume that was why he took the initiative to talk. I let
Harry talk too because I knew I was gonna cry if I took over.

“Friday before you told us.”

“Why did you continue?”

309
“We weren’t going to,” Harry continued. “But then we kissed at
the hotel. And then one more time afterwards. And so we agreed
to stop after the wedding instead.”

“So this happened before the wedding?”

“No,” I admitted quietly, finally finding the courage to speak

up—perhaps I was afraid Harry would lie. “That happened
yesterday.”

“So you didn’t stop?”

“No, we had sex again after the wedding. And we’ve been doing
it ever since.”

I could feel my mom’s disappointment, but I couldn’t lie to her. I

knew she’d come around eventually, but it hurt me that I had hurt
her.

“What could possibly have made it so hard to stop?” Desmond

asked.

“I’m not sure I wanna tell that?” Harry mumbled.

“Right, okay.”

“What were you thinking?” my mom asked. “You’re

stepbrothers.”

“That doesn’t mean we’re related,” Harry said.

310
“It means you’re family, so you can under no circumstances
continue doing whatever it is you’re doing.”

This was what I had feared. Our parents’ approval was nowhere
to be found. There was no use arguing about it, and Harry knew
that as well as me. But there was something else in his eyes.
Almost as if he suddenly agreed with them. I had my own reasons
to find dating inconvenient, and suppose he did too. Not only did
I not want to date him in secret, but I was also doubting our ability
to make it work. I wanted to, and I believed we’d somehow find
a way to make it work, but I was hesitating all at the same time.
Yet when I thought about it, I’d do everything not to lose him.
We could easily go against our parents and do whatever we
pleased. I hadn’t thought about it before because I couldn’t afford
to lose my mom over something as silly as love. But now I was
genuinely considering it, and perhaps I could talk to my mom
without Desmond and explain to her why it was so important for
me to keep Harry in my life. Not just as my stepbrother, but as
my boyfriend or at least as whatever we were now. Yet Harry
decided to break my heart before I got that far.

“Maybe they’re right.”

I looked at him in surprise and let go of his hand, unsure of where

he was going with this. “What do you mean they’re right?”

“It’s a mess, Louis. I mean, uni is just around the corner. We’re
not exactly gonna have time for each other.”

The scary part was the fact that he sounded genuine. That it
wasn’t a trick to make our parents think we’d stop when we
wouldn’t. That would have been another way to solve it. To

311
simply continue without our parents’ knowledge. Though I was
sure they’d find a way to keep us apart.

“So when I promised not to give up on you, that didn’t count the
other way around or what?”

“Louis.”

He looked and sounded equally as guilty, tearing up along with

me. He tried to take my hand, but I wouldn’t let him, and I got up
instead.

“You told me you wouldn’t let go, but you are, Harry—you’re
letting go.”

“I just think—”

“No.”

I left before he could respond, hurrying upstairs and into my

room. He had me confused, all tangled up and turned around. I
tried to understand, but I couldn’t. At least not completely. I had
thought about it the same way he did, but my feelings had
overwhelmed me when we talked about it. I realised I’d have
given up everything to be with him. At first, I thought it was proof
of how much I loved him, but suddenly it made me realise how
unbelievably insane that was. My mom had been there my entire
life, yet suddenly I was considering throwing it all away for a boy.

***

312
I snuck into Harry’s room around midnight. I knew our parents
were asleep, and they hadn’t put down any rules yet. I had spent
the rest of the day in my room, but I was craving Harry’s
company, and I had come to the conclusion that he was right. We
had to stop because we couldn’t continue.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

I closed his door behind me and crawled into his bed afterwards.
“You were right.”

He closed his laptop and pushed it aside so he could turn around

and face me properly. “I’m sorry, Lou.”

“I know,” I whispered, tearing up again. “But I know we have to

stop.”

“I think…”

I took his hand when he teared up as well. “What?”

“I love you.”

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall before I took a deep breath.
“I love you too.”

It was hard to believe this was the moment we confessed. Not

because the moment was right, but because we were about to lose
each other, and we were trying to hold on to the last bit of hope.
But even that slipped through our fingers like water and there was
nothing we could do to save it. But he kissed me despite it all.

313
“I want you.”

“Harry.”

“Just let me love you one last time.”

I couldn’t say no, so I let him kiss me. I let him kiss me until my
lips were numb, and I let him take my clothes off until I was naked
on his sheets. I let him do exactly as he pleased because I wanted
him to. I wanted him one last time, and I wanted to enjoy as much
as I possibly could. We took it easy, Harry’s fingers and tongue
stretching me open and nearly driving me to an orgasm, but he
stopped before I could get there. He pushed into me without a
condom as usual, but barely gave me enough time to adjust before
he pulled almost all the way out and pushed back in.

He seemed perfectly content with keeping it slow, and I felt every

inch of his cock dragging against my walls slowly. I melted into
the sheets under me while soft moans caught in my throat every
time he pushed back into me. He kept it slow all the way through,
and we held back for as long as we could, but in the end, we had
to let go and slipped into a state of unbelievable pleasure. Harry
whispered sweet nothings in my ear, softly moaning my name
when he filled me up for the very last time. If it had been any
other situation, I’d have felt embarrassed by crying, but I felt
nothing but grateful and sad all at the same time, sighing softly as
he rocked his hips back and forth gently.

He kissed me again, but I was still crying so it tasted like tears

and heartache, though Harry didn’t seem to mind. I assume he
was nearly as broken as I was and that was quite a lot. I could
almost feel it in my bones, but I wasn’t entirely sure what was

314
worse. If it was the shock of what had happened or the urge for
what would never be. If it was the knowledge of how our story
wasn’t anywhere near finished, yet we were forced to stop
writing. At least the story we wanted to write.

“I’m always gonna love you,” he whispered, letting his own tears
fall before he pulled out of me carefully and did what had to be
done.

He cleaned me up, and we got back into our boxers, my clothes

gathered in my arms while he pushed me against his door
carefully. He kissed me again and then pulled me into his arms,
hugging me tightly because he knew what was gonna happen
when he let go. I didn’t know how much time passed before I
found the strength to leave, two more I-love-you’s being
exchanged before I did so.

I cried myself to sleep, but I don’t think anyone would’ve blamed

me for it. I understood that things didn’t always go as planned,
but this was a pain like no other. I hadn’t experienced pain before.
Not really. Not in the form of a broken heart, and I couldn’t in my
wildest dreams understand how Liam had found a way out of it.

315
30

Three weeks after we had decided not to touch each other, Harry
asked me if he could sing me a song. A song he had started writing
before we ended it, but had finished over the past three weeks,
trying out different melodies until he got it right. We hadn’t talked
as much as we used to. We could no longer sneak into each other’s
rooms. Not only were we not allowed to, but if we got away with
it like we knew we could, we’d no longer be able to hold back.
We spoke on the way to school and back home, but barely more
than that. But we had been good. We had stayed away from each
other and despite the sexual tension, we hadn’t slipped.

“What’s it called?”

He smiled slightly while he placed his fingers on the strings.

“Sweet creature.”

It was an odd name, but I liked it. He bit his lips when he stayed
playing, trying to hide his smile before he started singing softly.

“Sweet creature

Had another talk about where it’s going wrong

316
But we’re still young

We don’t know where we’re going

But we know where we belong. “

I smiled and teared up at the same time, biting my lip while I

watched him as he sang. His eyes burned into mine, green
meeting blue like so many times before.

“And oh we started

Two hearts in one home

It’s hard when we argue

We’re both stubborn

I know

But oh

317
Sweet creature, sweet creature

Wherever I go, you bring me home

Sweet creature, sweet creature

When I run out of road, you bring me home. “

He looked away when he teared up himself, blinking them away

while he tried to make his voice steady again. But it was shaking
even though he tried his best.

“Sweet creature

We’re running through the garden

Oh, where nothing bothered us

But we’re still young

I always think about you and how we don’t speak enough. “

318
I closed my eyes while he continued and enjoyed the sound of his
voice until he was finished. Even then I kept my eyes closed, and
I wasn’t entirely sure why. Perhaps I was simply trying to hold
on to the moment. After all, I had been in so much pain
throughout the past three weeks and this was the first time I felt
something different. I wasn’t entirely sure what the purpose of the
song was. I knew he used music as an outlet, and the song was so,
so beautiful. My heart was aching, but it didn’t change anything.
Though I don’t think he expected it to.

“Louis.”

I opened my eyes again to see he had put down his guitar, now
reaching out to help me up from the floor. He placed a hand on
my cheek, so I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.

“Harry,” I whispered.

“Can I kiss you?”

I hesitated, but he was close enough for his breath to mix with
mine. Our parents weren’t home, but it was the first time they had
trusted us enough to leave us alone. I suppose they shouldn’t
have.

“Only this once.”

He stroked my cheekbone with his thumb, and I allowed him to

press his lips against mine. I was tingling all over, but I only
allowed him to kiss me for a few seconds, carefully pushing him
away when I found the strength to do so. He rested his forehead

319
against mine, and I closed my eyes again, tracing my fingers
along the back of his neck.

“I miss you,” he whispered.

“I miss you too.”

We stayed like that for another moment before he kissed me on

the forehead and let me turn around to leave.

“Lou?”

“Yeah?”

“Marriage doesn’t always work out.”

“Meaning what?”

“Our parents rushed into it,” he explains. “You never know where
they’ll end up.”

“Are you hoping for a divorce?”

“Is that selfish?”

“Probably, but I understand where you’re coming from.”

I wasn’t surprised by his way of thinking. If our parents got

divorced, we’d get a second chance. We’d benefit from it even as
bizarre as it sounded.

“Then promise me we’ll find our way back if they split up.”

320
“I promise.”

He smiled before I turned around to leave again, barely getting

my hand on the doorknob when he stopped me again.

“And, Louis?”

“Mmm?”

“Remember to breathe, yeah?”

I smiled in response and went back to hug him, keeping a tight

grip on him. He asked me to breathe so I didn’t drown, so I didn’t
let myself fall apart. But I’d do so either way because how could
I not?

***

“You’re staring again,” Liam said.

“I know.”

I looked from Harry to him and then into the food I hadn’t eaten
yet. The truth about Harry and I had already made its way out of
everyone’s systems along with the fact that Harry had a daughter.
Sometimes they still talked about it and some of them still looked
at us for a bit too long, but most of it had blown over. Harry had
forgiven Niall at the same time I did. Not because he apologised
or because he acknowledged the pain he caused us, but because
Harry and I deserve some form of peace. It was necessary when

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our parents were watching our every move, making sure we didn’t
slip into old habits. But Harry and Niall still weren’t on speaking
terms. Their friendship deserved a better ending, but not all
friendships were meant to last, and it was about time they let this
one go.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re not in pain, you know?”

“I’m not pretending.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not. I just don’t wanna talk about it.”

“You were caught up in a forbidden romance, Louis, but you

know that’s not all it was, so don’t act like you wouldn’t have
ruined your entire life for him.”

I knew he was right, but I was getting tired of this routine. He

tried to make me talk time after time, but he never seemed to come
up with anything useful. Most of the time Liam overshared, but I
didn’t, so he knew better than to push me.

“Liam,” I sighed.

“It’s like breathing,” he continued. “You have to let it in before

you can let it out again. You might need to do it multiple times,
but eventually, it won’t hurt to breathe anymore.”

“You have to stop, Liam. I won’t listen to your stories about

healing when I’m still pulling out the knife. You might have

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needed someone to get you through it, but I’d really like to be left
alone.”

“But—”

“No. My pain is not the same as yours, so don’t expect me to heal

the same way you did.”

I understood his need to help, and I appreciated him for it, but we
couldn’t all be like him. He had been drowning in pain when his
ex broke up with him, the same way I was drowning now. I had
never blamed him for needing me to pull him out of the water. I
would always be there for him. But I was different, and I knew
how to swim. This was something I needed to deal with on my
own.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I know. And I love you, but I don’t need you to save me. I need
you to let me break on my own. I’ll come to you when I need
you.”

I was gonna save myself, but once I had done that, I was gonna
need him to distract me so the memories didn’t pull me back
under.

“This wasn’t the way I wanted you to experience love.”

“Love equals heartbreak, Liam. I’ve always told you that.”

“I know, but still.”

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“I guess we can’t all be as lucky as you.”

He smiled, but I could tell he felt bad for me. It might not have
been necessary for Harry and Zayn to move tables, but it did seem
like the best option. Harry and I needed the distance even if Liam
and Zayn didn’t. It was unbelievably hard to let go when he was
always right across the hall. I suppose that was why we had
accidentally let ourselves slip yesterday. It was only a kiss, but
we couldn’t risk falling back into each other, and I had to let go
of the illusion that it could’ve been different when it couldn’t.

But I was afraid. Not of the present or the pain that I still needed
to get through. It was the future that frightened me the most. It
was the moment I had to watch him marry someone who wasn’t
me. The moment he had to watch me marry someone who wasn’t
him. I was afraid I’d never be able to find someone else because
I had had him. That I’d be standing at the alter saying I do to
someone I didn’t really want. That I’d be wishing for Harry to
stand there instead of whoever I was to marry. I was afraid I was
gonna have to settle simply because I couldn’t have the one I
wanted. I knew we were both hoping we’d find a way, but as for
right now, we’d have to leave it up to fate. Maybe we weren’t
meant to be. Or maybe the time just wasn’t right yet.

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Epilogue

Our parents’ marriage fell apart the summer after we had turned
23, but it wasn’t particularly surprising. We could tell something
was up, so we weren’t surprised when they told us. They had
asked us to come home, and they seemed to be getting along quite
well considering the circumstances, which only proved to me it
had been a mutual decision. I was devastated for my mom, but I
was also relieved. A part of me was still waiting for Harry even
if it was stupid. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t know how to, and it
might have had something to do with the fact that Harry and I had
slipped when we shouldn’t have. It hadn’t happened as often as it
could have, but it was enough to make me hope we’d find our
way eventually.

The first time we slipped was during New Year’s Eve after I had
turned 20. It was only natural we spent the night together when
we had stayed in town after Christmas. It was tempting to slip into
old habits when we were drunk and watching Liam and Zayn
make out. It wasn’t the first time we spent New Year’s Eve
together, but it was the first time we lost the strength to stay away
from each other.

The second time was during Sophie’s 4th birthday party, which
was admittedly very, very inappropriate. I can’t remember why,
but that year it had been easier for everyone to do it at home and

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not in Harry’s apartment. How we both ended up in his old room
was a mystery, but we did, and it had brought back a few too many
memories. We simply couldn’t help ourselves.

The third time it happened wasn’t more than three months ago.
Harry had decided to visit me out of nowhere with sex as the only
reason. He hadn’t bothered to come up with an excuse, but I
didn’t blame him for it, and I let him in without hesitating. It
wasn’t nearly as dangerous to have sex as it used to be, but the
talking was. Especially when it caused us to get no sleep. We
drowned ourselves in memories, which didn’t do us any good. It
felt good in the moment, but when he left my apartment, it left me
wanting more. More of what we couldn’t have.

Walking through the house always left me with mixed feelings. I

hadn’t even lived there for a year when I went off to uni, but it
was still the last thing I had called home. Harry made it feel like
home like he promised me, but there was more to it than that. He
felt like home too and perhaps that was why I hadn’t learned to
call my apartment home yet. He wasn’t there, and I could feel it.
It was easier during uni because I had a roommate, so it wasn’t
supposed to feel like home, at least not the way my apartment
was.

But I walked through it and stopped when I reached the door to

the backyard. I was the last to arrive, but everyone was gathered
outside already. Gemma was talking to my mom while Desmond
was helping Sophie with her sunscreen. Harry was the first to see
me, and he walked towards me with a smile on his face, hugging
me tightly when I met him halfway.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

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“I’ve missed you too.”

He let go of me and there was something different about the look

in his eyes. Almost as if he was tempted to kiss me. He always
was, and it went both ways, but there was more behind it today.
Yet I didn’t get to ask him what he was thinking before Sophie
shouted my name. I watched her run towards me and caught her
when she ran into my arms, chuckling as I lifted her up and let
her wrap her legs around me. Sophie had grown into a beautiful
girl, but I suppose that was to be expected when you mixed Harry
and Leah’s beauty. She was a spitting image of Leah, but her eyes
were as Green as Harry’s.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Dad is getting me a puppy.”

“He is?” I asked, looking from Sophie to Harry while she nodded.

He just sent me that smile he always sent me when Sophie had

talked him into something. She wasn’t more than six years old,
but she was absolutely brilliant, and she could talk Harry into
pretty much anything. Though Harry knew how to say no while
Sophie knew when begging was worth it and when it wasn’t, so
once Harry had told her no, she didn’t spend any more time
begging. But when he said maybe, it almost always turned into a
yes.

“Will you help us pick one?” she asked.

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“Of course I will.”

She wiggled in my hold, so I put her down before she ran towards
the trampoline instead. I smiled in response, and Harry followed
me when I walked towards the garden furniture where our parents
were still sitting with Gemma. I hugged them all but held onto my
mom a little tighter than usual. I felt guilty for being happy about
their divorce, but I couldn’t help it.

We sat down to catch up, and it turned out the divorce was a
mutual decision. And although they seemed to get along well, my
mom wasn’t as happy as she normally was. I think she was
pleased with the decision or at least content, but I could tell she
was hurt. I knew she’d be fine, but it was an adjustment for all of
us, and especially if Harry and I decided it was our turn to be
happy.

“So, are you two still single?” my mom asked Harry and I,
seeming somewhat desperate to change the subject—our dating
lives always seemed to do the trick.

Neither of us ever wanted to talk about it, but today I didn’t blame
her. I told her no, though, because I had still never called someone
my boyfriend. I had been close, but it never seemed like the right
word to use. I knew it wasn’t gonna last and so did he, which
made me think of it as something closer to whatever Harry and I
had had in High School. Outside that “relationship” I hadn’t done
much dating. I had had my share of sex though. Nothing too
regular, but regular enough. It turned out it was a lot easier to get
something in college, and despite knowing I’d never find

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someone as good as Harry, it seemed to distract me from thinking
about him. At least while it lasted.

“You’re telling me you aren’t seeing anyone?” Gemma asked,

directing the question at Harry as he had told my mom no as well.

It made sense Gemma was confused because Harry had as much

sex as I had, if not more. There were more people to choose from
when he was still messing around with both genders, and
therefore Gemma had never believed him when he claimed he
was single. But he wasn’t lying, and I always wondered if it was
because of me. If I had been stuck in the back of his mind since
we were seventeen, just like he had been stuck in the back of
mine.

“I didn’t say that,” Harry said, waiting another moment before he

explained himself. “I can see someone and still be single.”

“You’re seeing someone?”

The words were out before I could stop them, and the tone in my
voice made it obvious I was jealous, yet only Gemma seemed to
catch on to it. I was surprised my jealousy was still intact. Even
while knowing he was having sex with other people, it didn’t
bother me. Perhaps that was because I knew it would never lead
anywhere, but if he was seeing someone, that meant he had slept
with whoever it was more than once, and that triggered my
jealousy. It made me wonder if he was stepping into something
serious. Something that had made him forget about me.

“It’s nothing serious.”

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It was almost as if he could read my mind, but it didn’t make me
frown any less.

“Who is it?” Gemma asked.

“No one special.”

He was still looking at me, almost as if he wanted to reassure me

he wasn’t taken, but I had mixed feelings about it. I didn’t blame
him for getting to a point where moving on seemed like the right
thing to do, but it hurt. It hurt because I still wanted him for the
rest of my life, and I was afraid he had already let go of that
thought.

“Don’t be a fuckboy,” Gemma said.

“I’m not,” Harry said. “I’ve just got someone else in mind.”

“Yeah? Who’s that?”

She was teasing and both Harry and I knew it. She knew we had
slept together over the years and now she was certain we weren’t
gonna let anything stop us. But it wasn’t her place to be, and she
should’ve known that neither of us was gonna confess to our
upcoming plans before we had talked about them. And especially
not now that Harry had confessed to seeing someone else.

“I’ll tell you when I know where it leads.”

She chuckled in response, but our parents were as oblivious as

always. They didn’t know Harry and I had slept together after
High School, nor that we might still want to be together. They

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thought we had moved on from our High School romance because
to them anything else would’ve been silly.

“Dad,” Sophie said, breaking the tension between Harry and me

before she sat down on his lap. “Will you play something?”

“Sure,” he said. “What do you want me to play?”

“My favourite.”

Harry smiled in response, seeming to know exactly which one

that was. “Go get my guitar then.”

He kissed her on the cheek before she hurried inside, coming back
with his guitar soon after. Harry took it from her and placed his
fingers on the strings while Sophie sat down on my lap instead,
letting me pull her further up so she was sitting properly. Harry
started playing, and I knew by the first line that it was a song I
hadn’t heard yet.

“If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to you

I think I might give up everything, just ask me to

Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down

Right now I’m completely defenceless

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For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart

For when you’re lonely and forget who you are

I’m missing half of me when we’re apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

For your eyes only. “

Harry wasn’t being nearly as subtle as he could have been. The

way he looked at me was bound to give him away, but he didn’t
care enough to look away. I didn’t want him to either, and in our
parents’ mind, he was looking at Sophie and not me. Only I was
able to see he was looking directly into my eyes.

“I’ve got scars even though they can’t always be seen

And pain gets hard, but now you’re here, and I don’t feel a thing

Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down

Right now I’m completely defenceless

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For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart

For when you’re lonely and forget who you are

I’m missing half of me when we’re apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

For your eyes only. “

I had to stop myself from tearing up. I understood why this was
Sophie’s favourite because even without having heard it all yet, I
knew it was gonna be mine too.

“I can feel your heart inside of mine

I feel it, I feel it

I’ve been going out of my mind

I feel it, I feel it

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Know that I’m just wasting time

And I hope that you don’t run from me. “

The way he kept looking at me made me understand what he was

trying to tell me. For the first time in a very, very long time, he
didn’t want me to run. He didn’t want us to be apart anymore, and
that made me tear up even though I tried not to. I blinked them
away before anyone noticed it, but he noticed it, and it made him
smile slightly. A smile that was noticeable when he sang the
chorus a couple more times.

“Why haven’t we heard that before?” Gemma asked when he

finished up.

“I don’t know,” Harry said.

I knew exactly why—he hadn’t been ready to let me hear it yet,

which was understandable. It seemed like now was the right time.
Sophie was the only one who had heard it before because she
didn’t understand the meaning behind it.

***

We spent the rest of the day together and gathered around the fire
during the evening. Gemma went out to see some old friends, and
Sophie fell asleep on a blanket on the grass. Harry carried her
inside and upstairs so she could sleep in his old bed, and Desmond

334
took the guest room when he and my mom went to bed. I could
only imagine he’d do that until my mom moved out. He’d most
likely also give her all the time she needed because he was a
gentleman like that.

“Come with me,” I said, reaching out for Harry’s hand once we
were alone.

“Anything for you,” he teased.

He got up from his seat and took my hand so I could lead us onto
the trampoline instead. It wasn’t quite dark yet, but it was close
enough for the first star to have appeared, so we laid down and a
certain memory appeared in my mind when we did so. It had been
a lot colder back then, but despite the issue we had needed to
solve, we were happy.

“What’s the song called?”

“I haven’t named it yet,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I thought you should do it instead. It’s about you after all.”

“A lot of your songs are about me.”

He took my hand and intertwined our fingers before he lifted them

and kissed the back of my hand. “Every song that doesn’t come
straight out of my imagination is about you, Louis. It’s always
been you.”

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I teared up in response, that being despite knowing the majority
of his songs were about me and that there were more to come. He
had first written Adore You, but I didn’t know it was about me at
the time. I had suspected it, but I hadn’t been sure until he told
me. Sweet Creature came afterwards, but after that, I couldn’t
keep track anymore. He wrote so many in such a short period of
time, and now there was another, one that he wanted me to name.
The obvious choice was For Your Eyes Only, but it didn’t feel
right.

“If I Could Fly,” I said as it suddenly hit me. “That’s what you
should call it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I like that.”

He’d have liked whatever I had chosen, but this was a surprise to
him since he only sang the words once in the sang. But it felt right,
and the fact that it was a surprise to him only made him like it that
much more.

“What does this divorce mean for us, Harry?”

I had been wanting to ask him all day, but we hadn’t had a
moment to ourselves.

“It’s the beginning.”

“Of what?”

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“You and I, of course.”

I smiled in response because this was what I had hoped for. It was
what I had been waiting for all day, if not since we were
seventeen. But there was something ruining it for me, so I had to
ask. “What about whoever you’re seeing?”

“She’s not you.”

“So it’s a girl?”

He hummed in response before he rolled onto his stomach and

propped himself up on his elbows. He reached up to stroke my
cheek before he slipped his hand into my hair instead. “Her name
is Lucy, but it’s nothing serious. She’s really sweet, so I enjoy her
company, though the sex is purely for the pleasure of it, which
she’s aware of. She’s also aware of the fact that I’m still in love
with you and probably always will be.”

I smiled in response as I knew he was telling me the truth. He’d

stop messing around with her in a heartbeat if he got into an actual
relationship. He might’ve been a player in the past, but cheating
was something he’d never do.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” He leaned down to kiss me softly, only letting

it linger for a few seconds before he pulled back to look at me.
“We should really just skip the beginning.”

“And do what?”

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“Get married.” I raised my eyebrows, but the grin on his face told
me he was being serious, that he was suggesting something so
insane because he truly wanted it but also knew it was insane.

“Right now?” I asked, seeming unable to come up with anything

else—I was terrified and excited all at the same time.

“No, but soon.”

“You wanna rush into it after you said our parents made a mistake
by doing exactly that?”

He had almost been certain our parents’ marriage was gonna end
because they rushed into it, and now he wanted to do the same.

“It’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“They had only known each other for four months when they got
engaged. You and I have been in love since we were seventeen.”

I suppose he was right. It had almost been seven years since they
got engaged, and Harry and I had wanted each other for just as
long. From the very beginning, we had wanted something more.
Something we couldn’t have, but now we had a chance. A chance
to get what we had wanted since we were seventeen. Our parents
wouldn’t be thrilled, but they’d come around. Especially my
mom. If she knew I thought of him as the love of my life, she’d
allow us to be together without thinking twice about it. We didn’t
need their approval to be together. I suppose we never really did,

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but we had respected their wish, but now we needed to do what
we wanted. My mom’s approval would simply make me feel
better about the choice I was about to take. And Harry and I
deserved it. Maybe it was selfish to think that way, but we did.
We had done our best to stay away from each other, but we
deserved to do as we pleased. We deserved to be happy.

“I wanna be with you, but I can’t leave, Harry. I’m starting med-
school after the summer, so I have to stay where I am.”

He knew this, but it was important to me that he knew I couldn’t

leave. His apartment was bigger than mine for obvious reasons as
he had Sophie, but I couldn’t move. He had told me I couldn’t let
my fear of failure keep me from trying, so medical-school was
where I needed to be.

“Music can be done anywhere.”

I smiled in response, but there was still a problem, a problem I

knew we couldn’t just compromise with. “I’m not trying to come
up with an excuse, Harry. I want you to move in, but you know
my apartment isn’t big enough when Sophie needs a room too.”

“Then we’ll get a bigger apartment.”

“And what about school? And her friends?”

“She’s six, Louis—she’ll make new friends.”

“I just want her to be happy.”

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He smiled in response and leaned down to kiss me again. “I know
you do, but she adjusts to new things easily, so we’ll find an
apartment where puppies are allowed.”

“Do you think a puppy is gonna make her happy enough to

move?”

“No, but you will.”

“What do you mean?”

“She misses you when you’re not around. She even asked me
once if you could come live with us. Trust me when I tell you
she’s gonna be thrilled about this.”

“Okay.”

He smiled and rolled onto me instead, making me chuckle before

I wrapped my legs around him. His eyes were shockingly green
when I looked into them, and somehow I found my way home.
Even more so when he kissed me again. He even tasted like home.

“Is that a yes?”

“To what?” I teased.

“My proposal,” he said, bumping his nose with mine. “Will you
marry me?”

“Yes.”

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I’d choose him a million times over—again and again until I took
my very last breath, because he was the best thing I had ever had
to wait for.

FIN

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