with love, louis - chapter one Its been four months since Harry left , and Louis is finding

coping difficult. A prisoner of his own mind, he agrees to attend therapy sessions once a week at the request of his friends, in which the doctor suggests writing letters to Harry to help him move on. Only the letters bring Louis deeper into his mind, where life with Harry never ended.

Liam Payne strummed his fingers rapidly on the marble counter at an increasingly impatient rate. The woman behind the desk paid no attention, and he was getting quite worried. He sighed deeply, and she looked up over her half-moon glasses. Can you sit, please? No. He said firmly. Tapping on my desk will actually do nothing for you. So sit. She was gentle in the way she spoke, but firm enough that Liam took one more deep sigh, rolled his eyes at her, and joined the plethora of friends in the waiting room. It was January 2nd, the first day businesses were open after the new year, and this had been something they had been waiting four months for. The day Louis Tomlinson had finally agreed to remove himself from his dark flat, at least once a week, and only for an hour, to attend therapy sessions. Theyll lock me up, he said simply a few nights prior, when Liam and Danielle arrived with dinner, and suggested the idea once more. Danielle reached for his hand across the sofa and rubbed circles into the back of his palm. Louis, whos attention had been at his feet for the past five minutes, looked up at Danielle with a very obvious tear in his eye. I just want you better, she choked out, not able to fight back the tears as they flowed down her dark skin. Liam rubbed her back, tears too running down his soft cheeks. The tears rolled out of Louis eyes, and he looked over to his best mate, waiting his kind words. We wont let them take you, Lou. I give you my word. Your word? Louis was hesitant, it was written all over his face. He didnt trust the people he had grown closest too over the past few years, but willingly let strangers into his flat, a fact that irked Liam to no end. Louis didnt leave. He never did. He just sat in his flat, scribbled in a journal that he kept on him at all times, and occasionally opened his front door inviting whoever happened to be in the hall in for tea. Liam was almost certain they knew more about them than he did, and it frustrated him, but he was finally getting somewhere. He needed his best friend back. He needed it more than he needed the air in his lungs. My word, he let out. Louis nodded in agreement and they finished their dinner in silence. As Liam sat down between Danielle and Niall he let out a deep sigh. Niall gently placed his hand on his knee, and began to pat. Hes been in there too long. Im worried. Hes been in there way too long, and hes probably frightened. This is my fault. Im the one that forced him to come, and I just want to make sure hes okay and that stupid woman wont give me any information. He let out in one breath. Danielle wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed him tightly as Niall continued to pat his knee. The gestures were much appreciated, but he felt no release of tension. He needed to see Louis. Zayn appeared with a Styrofoam plate of coffee cups and passed them out. Honestly, the last thing Liam needed was a substance to boost his emotions, but he took the cup and downed it in one gulp. Its not a damn expresso shot, mate. Zayn said with a wide grin on his face. Im nervous.

That wont help the nerves, babe. Danielle said, still rubbing his shoulders. Just Just take a few deep breaths. Well know something shortly. And this isnt your fault. Its good that hes finally here. Niall nodded in agreement. We all wanted him here, mate. Its hard enough living with Harry gone; I dont know how we all havent withered away without Louis around. Hes been here of course, but hes not Louis. I dont know about you lads, but I want the Tommo back. They did know. And they did want him back. *** Louis nervously picked at his hands and twitched his eyes around the room. He didnt like being here. He didnt like being away from the flat. Harry told him to leave, he told him that he neednt stay there, but Harry was wrong. Harry would come back, and if he wasnt there when he showed up hed think Louis had left, and then hed leave for good. Louis couldnt have that. He needed Harry to know hed always be there. He looked across at the man across. He was in his late fifties, or maybe his early sixties, Louis couldnt be sure, he was never that good with age. He had gentle features and a kind face, which he could appreciate of course, but this office made him jittery. The walls were decorated with plagues from prestigious schools, posters of happy families and innocent eyed children. The room was large. Large and very dark. There was a large window behind where the man sat, but the shades were drawn. The walls a deep burgundy color, and the furniture a brown leather. The desk by the window looked antique, and also look like it might be collecting dust. Louis could feel his sinuses pulsing. The man had his long legs crossed, and he felt too close for comfort. Louis was not comfortable here. He needed to be back in the flat. What if Harry came back? Tell me about yourself, Lou. Louis looked at one of the plagues. His name was Steve. I need to go back to the flat, he muttered. Can we talk for a minute first? I promise I wont keep you too long. He leaned in closer to Louis, and he twitched as a response. Louis was afraid they would take him. What if Liam was wrong? They couldnt stop the doctors from taking him if they thought thats what was best. He needed to be back at the flat. What if Harry came home? Hes been gone four months, he said slowly, drawing out each word and syllable, tasting each word on his tongue. Four months and seventeen days. Hes not coming back is he? The man quickly scribbled some notes on his yellow paper and looked back up at Louis. What Id like to do Louis is throw an idea at you, and you tell me what you think about it. Is that okay? Kind of like a project. Louis perked up a bit. He found he felt a bit better when he used his hands, such as making tea for the neighbors, which he knew bothered Liam, but he liked the company of people who nothing about him. Everyone else just looked at him with worried eyes, like they were waiting for the time bomb to go off, but the neighbors didnt know Harry, and they didnt ask why he only stepped into the hallway and no further. He also had his journal, which he never wrote anything of substance in, except the letter to Harry a few days ago. He just liked writing his name, and usually thats all hed jot down. What if he forgets his name eventually? He cant. Hell just continue to write his name. Harry Styles. That named belonged in his mouth, in his journal, in his ears, everywhere Louis was that name belonged. The name and the lanky boy that came with it. First, Id like to see you once a week. Louis tensed up. What if Harry came back? I know thats a bit scary, but we really need to see some progress. Next, I want you to write a letter to Harry once a week. My hope with this that, in due time of course, well see a change. Your friends speak so highly of you, Lou, did you know that? Louis shook his head. He wasnt aware they had actually spoken to Steve, but he supposed they did a bit of research. Liam, Zayn, Niall,

and Danielle. Im quite proud of myself because I got all their names down. Such good people you have in your life, Lou. I know things are tough, but the five of us are here to help. You arent alone in this world, and Id hope that in a years time wed have the old Louis Tomlinson back in our lives. Just without Harry. You lived eighteen years before you met him, correct? I was alive, Steve, Louis said solemnly. I didnt live until I met Harry. Well get through this, Lou. He nodded at the man. He did like the idea of writing letters to Harry. Will I be sending the letters? Steve, who had been scribbling down a few more notes, looked up at Louis with water brimming at his eyes. No. Youll send them to me, and after some time well read them together. Okay? Okay. If youd like, Lou, were done for today so you can be on your way, but could you have Liam come back here? I need to speak with him briefly. Louis nodded in agreement, pushed himself off the leather sofa, and left Steve to his notes. *** Ive asked him to go home and write a letter to Harry. Liam swallowed hard, he was certain he knew where this conversation was going, and he regretting not taking Danielles offer on some company. He asked if hed send it to Harry, and I have to ask He doesnt know, Liam cut him off. We told him, obviously, in the beginning, but Im certain hes blocked it out. He tells us all the time that Harry might come back, but Well, yeah. Can I ask the details of what happened now? In our few meetings youve told me Harry wasnt with us anymore, which I took as him not being here anymore, but Ive done my research Mr. Payne, and Harry Styles died in a car crash four months ago. Liam hadnt heard those words come out of anothers mouth since the day at the hospital, when the doctors declared Harry, Anne, and Gemma dead on impact. God, he really missed Harry. I dont know all the details. Tell me what you know. Liam inhaled deeply. He hadnt spoken of it since it happened, and he wasnt quite sure he was ready. Anne and Gemma came to visit for the weekend, it was kind of just a weekend of doing really touristy type things that both Harry and Louis, and well all of us to be honest, got out of our systems a long time ago. It was Nialls birthday weekend, and we all just wanted to go to the pub and celebrate. Twenty-one is kind of a big deal, you know? Liam attempted to fight back the tears he could feel brimming his eyes. Harry fought with his mum that day, and according to Lou they kind of left on not good terms with him. He was fine at the pub, but he loved his mum, he loved her more than anything, and that fight was really weighing hard on him. He left us, saying he needed to sort things out with her and wed see him in the morning. Im guessing you never saw him? Harry did find them, obviously, as he was in the car with them, and he was the driver. His blood alcohol level was high, according to the doctors, and I told you I dont know the details. I dont know why Anne and Gemma were in the car with him, and I dont know why they let him drive, all I know is a much larger vehicle crashed headfirst into them. No one survived. Liam could no longer fight back the tears and they were rolling down his cheeks rapidly. Oh, God. He placed his hands over his face and sobbed into his palms. Letting the pain he had felt over the last four months come over him, as he cried in Steves office.

What happened with Lou? He asked when Liam finally looked up, swiping the back of his hands across his face, wiping away the tears. What you see now. They were in Lous car, so when help arrived on scene they traced who it belonged to I suppose, gave him a call, and we all flew to the emergency room. Ive known Louis quite a long time, and I can tell you, Ive never seen him in that state. When we arrived at the hospital, we all knew something bad happened, but never that. He was crying as he came towards us, but even then I wasnt ready to hear that my best friend had just died in a car accident. The first words he said were I assure you they felt no pain, Lou kind of just fell to the floor. He kept saying no, no, no as the doctor let out they were pronounced dead on scene. Liam exhaled deeply before continuing, remembering the image of his friend, how they had to hold him back as he tried to attack the attending. Remembering the image of Louis cursing and spitting at the doctor, who just kept saying he was so sorry, and that they couldnt save him. An image that he tried to forget, but it haunted his dreams. He continued, he slept for a week straight. He stayed with Danielle and I, and he only woke to vomit violently. I cant forget the sounds of his screaming in the middle of the night. Sometimes I had to leave. I just left Danielle with him, I just After that week he asked to be taken home, and we suggested moving him out, but he kept talking about how Harry broke up with him and he needed to be home in case he changed his mind. He remembers a conversation that never happened. Steve had tear stained cheeks and he shook his head in horror at the image of the young man. How serious were they? Liam laughed, almost sinisterly, at the true irony of the situation. Their wedding was in four weeks.