A YEAR-END STRUGGLE

At the eve of Christmas, and here I am, laying in this foam—I won't consider it as a bed because
it's really just the foam; no framework holding it. My nape hurts. I'm increasingly feeling the excitement
for Christmas, which, just hours before, were absolutely nonexistent. I'm upstairs, contained in this dimly-
lit room, I've no electric fan—they're all downstairs—luckily though, there're no mosquitos. I'm empty,
that's the truth. I think the only reason why I'm gradually being filled with the spirit of Christmas is that—
almost all the foods are cooked, and we're about to have our feast. However, I've a canker sore. A damn
canker sore, an incredibly unluckily-timed one too. Right in the face of Christmas. I've got this for about,
3 days now; I've been suffering for much longer time over petty things, but, it had just been exacerbated
because of this. Well, I'm not employing any sort of remedy, so no wonder it lasted this long. I've
reckoned it's because I chugged down two Mountain Dews in the same day. My mouth, which has
exclusively been exposed to lukewarm water for like, 1½ years, can no longer handle the acidity. I hate it
but, I've long accepted this punishment—this seems to be god's retribution against my chaotic conducts
and my disbelief of his existence as some sort of higher being. Well, I have no other choice anyway. If I
could remove my tongue—which I indeed could—I would've already. The canker sore is in my tongue, so
yeah. But then, I'll not be able to taste any of these delicious meals, now and forever. How miserable this
Christmas is, this year is, I'd say. We're out of business because of the pandemic, my family literally has
no income whatsoever. I can't even grasp how we're still going forward. To top it all off, we've been
wrecked by a typhoon just days ago; not only by the gale and the rain, but by a flood too. Thus, my family
aren't celebrating the holiday in our own home—which was significantly damaged. My university chose
to simply push back all the deadlines for our requirements, so, I've some pending still. We're poor, my
morale's poor, I don't know. All of these circumstances have pushed me into the brink of emptiness,
beyond that even. I'm empty before, empty already—didn't knew I could still be emptier, more than I
previously was.

Then I found myself in the presence of this Facebook user in my ‘People You May Know’. A
complete stranger. We have no mutual friends, so I don't why she's there. She's the only one like such. I
was now filled with immense curiosity—add the fact that she's, nothing short of pretty. I was interested. I
end up searching about how users placed in one's ‘People You May Know’ page is determined. My
search wasn't that thorough and deep—Quora was the extent. So, I found out that it's determined based on
mutual friends and some sort of connection, I don't know really. I went to her profile, luckily it wasn't
locked. She only has a single post—an informative one, disseminating various locations of charging
stations; that's due to the typhoon. I also don't know where she's from. Her only picture is her display
picture. That felt insufficient, but I knew she's really beautiful. I searched her name, then went to photos,
and there were some. And damn, she really is. I was quite the stalker there. It's the 24 th of December,
about 9:00 in the evening, and the only thing running through my mind is this stranger. I was piqued, to
an irritating extent because I've never felt this before. All was new.

An hour later, of constant contemplation, I found myself falling.

 I arrived at the conclusion of sending her a friend request... which I did do. On the 25 th of
December, I sent her a friend request. It was out of 'experimentation'. And I don't expect to be accepted—
like, I can sense my request would rot in there for years, and will be buried under hundreds more requests,
until I can't even remember her, nor this very Christmas, nor this sensation.

26th of December, time of day unknown, forgotten—I received a notification that she had
accepted my request.

I can't fathom why, but she's there, she's truly there—in my list of friends, of Facebook friends.
Turns out, we actually had mutual friends, her friend list's just privatized. That solved the mystery.
Nevertheless, I was joyous—it was, I’d say, a gift. However, it was equally, if not more, harrowing. I felt
that now that I've been accepted, I've been provided this sliver of a chance. Which I clearly don't have.
Some sort of opportunity. This thought only fueled a growing delusion, planted deep within this
crudeness of a mind. I guess that an imaginative mind used more for writing mythical nonsense than
academic excellence, is depressingly prone to delusions of romance. Still though, why? Why was I
accepted? I’m sure my request appeared there to have no mutual friends, since mine’s privatized as well.
Is she just friendly? Do I look good? Might be, might not be. I guess, there’s no point now, I got accepted
—that’s it.

27th of December, night—If I remember correctly, it was about 11:00. She went online. I wouldn't
have been able to know this, I'm not someone that usually scans through my active list of friends.
However, she was placed as the second active user in the default page of Messenger. Thus, the only
circumstance that would prevent me from knowing that she's online, is that if I’m blind. As it was in the
absolute obvious. Presented to me in a silver plate. I was rattled with emotions, especially the feeling of
excitement. Why was she placed second? Why? It seemed as if the universe itself was enticing me into
messaging her. Just, why? I asked myself continuously. I don't know, and I don't really intend to know. I
don't know Messenger’s algorithm or whatever. I've a friend I was talking with, but my Messenger’s in
the open—for, most of the time, it's just in chat heads. I was just observing, a sentry of her icon. But it
was nice that I'm collected, that I can control these urges. In the end of the night, as she went offline and
her icon vanished, my logicality triumphed over my unwanted, but welcomed, feelings.

28th, I've gotten sick. This is because I showered—technically, I 'pailed', if that makes sense—in
the middle of the night and outside, exposed in the cold of night. Shit. I've a runny nose, and frequent
sneezes. Luckily, no headaches, for now. Each and every hour I would consistently visit my profile,
checking if she's there, if she hadn't unfriended me yet or whatever—and still, there she was, in her
mesmerizing and gorgeous smile. Later in the afternoon, I'm reminded of tremendous feats of confidence
—shooting one's shot, as it's called. Should I? I think I should. I guess I’ll just send her a greeting, a shot
is too much. "Happy New Year!!!", something like this. I think I really should. But for someone to enact
such, especially to a total stranger, it's painfully obvious that the greeter has a crush on, on the greeted.
So, should I just throw in a confession too? I should, I think I should. I should, right? Yeah, I probably
should.

"Happy New Year! also, I have a crush on you." That should do it, I think. Isn’t that cringe?

And thus, I've been priming myself. Gathering the confidence that I could gather, if there are any.
For the little that I have would left me practically dead for days, for weeks, after such massive
undertaking. I’m incapable. I'm already 18 years old and I feel like a child.

I’m annoyed, that every time she’d went online, her icon is really displayed in the default page—
for my eyes to lay upon such grand sight. A mockery more than a sign. Every night it seemed a battle, a
storm that churned within me. A storm crafted by a shitty app. Like why? Why would you place a user,
that I’ve clearly not conversed with, in the front? While users I’ve history of conversation at the far end. I
just can’t. for 29th, for 30th, my night was all like that. There are some instances at daylight too. It’s eating
me from the inside, like a parasite that I willingly ingested. I have yet to do anything, but I’m already
regretting. Cool. I tried to ask some of my close friends—well, I really don’t know what to do. They make
it seem that I have a chance, it’s quite painful. Nothing but pouring gasoline into this burning heap of
garbage, my feelings—it’s illegal.

Entering the final day of this absolute abysmal of a year, I think I failed to muster up the enough
confidence. Still, I’m this husk. I shouldn’t have tried, I should have not sent that request and simply
buried this feelings with nonsensical things. I have gained not confidence, but unwanted stress. Is this a
good state to welcome 2022? This time, I knew the answer: no.

Such, I’ll proceed—I’d commit to what I’ve planned. Greeting her.

It’s now the 31st of December. I grew more anxious as the night progress, as hours became
minutes. And as these minutes eclipse into seconds, I started to shiver. Not only my knees, every limb of
mine did. I will just greet why the fuck am I this worried? I tried to calm myself—I listened to music, first
with upbeat ones, then to depressingly-peaceful tunes; I thought of happy moments, and I quickly ran out
of them. All to no avail. Well, shit.

It is upon me, 11:50 PM.

I wanted to prepare, to write my greetings already. But I did not, I would go in blind. Is this a
mistake? Every inch of my body whispered me a deafening yes; the entirety is a mistake. But I’m too
much of a fool now to back out. There’re no longer other way than forward. But, should this feelings be
really acknowledged? Be known by the catalyzer? To be validated? What? But I can self-validate just as
much. I don’t feel worthy enough… but maybe I do? I don’t know. What difference would it even make?
And I’m not even looking to make a difference. Is something even worth trying when you’re not
expecting anything? I don’t expect to be reciprocated—no, that’s just stupid, that’s absurd levels of
fantasizing. I feel that trying would just bring me more pain than letting this opportunity be lost in time.
Besides, I’ve nothing to lose—I’m pretty much in a constant and persisting defeat over these past 2 years.

It appears, I’m thinking too much. Man, it should be impossible to fall for a stranger in the net.
Why is it not? I’m stressed the fuck out. Why were you there? I’ve really allocated all my stresses to this
girl, to this feelings, rather than my pending requirements—of which are many. Anyway, It’s time.

11:58 PM, I closed my eyes… I took my breaths deep. “Inhale, exhale, inhale, and exhale.”

I can sense that faraway, the fireworks are about to be ignited.

I dove.

“Happy New Year!”

She greeted back.

I panicked.

“thanks! good luck on your academics and

i hope you have a bountiful year ahead”

She was typing.

As the sounds began to swell—the shouting of the neighborhood, the clamoring of iron pans, the
roaring of the thundering of distant fireworks, and the crackle of numerous firecrackers… then the night-
sky split into several colors, It all brought me back. It was 12:01 AM already. 2022 has arrived, and I was
trembling still when it dawned upon me. I contemplated, I stood up, I went downstairs, I messaged my
friends, and I greeted everyone in the house.